Do We Really Need A Summer Body?

How do you stop procrastinating? On this week’s Wolf & Owl, Tom and Romesh answer your emails, giving advice on everything from unrealistic expectations to learning to feel comfortable in your own skin. They also tackle one of the biggest problems facing us all: procrastination. From writing scripts and stand-up to finishing their books, Romesh shares his top tips for getting things done when your brain would rather do absolutely anything else. Plus, there's a debate on which films would be best suited for a Muppets remake. A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Chapters 00:00 Intro 01:11 Tom hates the new World Cup song 03:40 On patriotism 06:21 ⚽ Hate continued 07:42 A question on your summer body 17:22 How to stop procrastinating 20:32 Tour competition 21:30 Romesh’s procrastination top tips 27:05 A Muppets question 29:51 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Wolf and Al email special. We do listener questions and queries and we try to help out if we can.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, rum and red and good Nathan got the answers.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  Tom Davis and Varmaish Ranganathan. Could you stop at the Wolf and Al station? We'll try our best to give you information. An integration to the Wolf and Al for you.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  So do your shoelaces up and pull your trousers up.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  Okay, great. That was a, you want, you want to remind me a little bit of when that, those guys did a mysterious girl on X Factor.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Can I say?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  Move your body. Come on, jig your body.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Can I say for the next football talk, I wasn't going to talk about this. I'll try to, no more of these fuck, they're cheap shitty football songs.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Okay, let's get this out in the open. We got Bellingham, it's coming back, I'm telling him. Why do you hate it so much?

• 1:18Speaker 01

  I loathe it.

• 1:19Speaker 00

  Why?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Because I just find it so fucking egg.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Isn't aren't football songs supposed to be egg?

• 1:24Speaker 01

  No, come in, like football's coming home, Three Lions, like the world in motion, like have something to it, like the dance, I look, I get it, you know what, it's, it's, I just found it really irritating. I, do you know why? I want to tell you, the, the person who ruined.

• 1:39Speaker 00

  It's calming, home, we're telling them. That's the bit that I found the worst, the shoulder.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  The, the thing I found so.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, that was bad.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  The kick. Oh, the head, yeah, yeah. Um, there's a guy who was in maths and he has done it before every game and it got to the point where I was like, and we've not talked about the World Cup on air going, it's not, because it's not a football podcast and so, but he was doing it before every match and it got to the point, I was like, I just hope we go out now. I can't have him doing this again. And for some reason, it's, I was horror watching, I, oh, I can't remember his name.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I, I think this is an interesting side of your character because people sort of think you're very happy, go lucky and you are, but occasionally things really wind you up.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  Anonymity objects wind me up.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Okay, that's a harsh way to describe this guy, but. Whoa, we got Bellingham, it's coming home, we're telling them, we're Englishmen in New York.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  We talked about this guy last time.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  Oh, we've got Harry Kane and he's gonna score again, we're Englishmen in New York.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  I can't, I don't follow him, he's one of these people. What irks me is it's like, you, you, it doesn't feel like, it feels like it's like a real drama school performance. It's all sort of, whee, like, you know, I'm like, fucking settle down.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  Hmm. There is something that's been quite, one of the positives I think about the World Cup is it has had a sort of unifying effect, hasn't it? Do you not think?

• 3:06Speaker 01

  In what sense?

• 3:07Speaker 00

  In that, in the, like, we are probably more divided than we have been for a long time as a, as a nation.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  And, and that felt like, whenever you have something like that, I felt like the same about the London 2012 Olympics.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  It's, it's like there's, it's, it injects a little bit of, you know, I, who are, I feel sorry for people that want to be nationally proud but feel like that has been compromised by discrimination and whatever you want to call it, you know, politics or whatever. And so when you have the World Cup, actually, so, somebody like you, who I would describe as a fiercely proud Englishman, right?

• 3:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  You, you might be, you, but you're also very, uh, sensitive and open-minded and, uh, you know, I, I, I, I think you don't like the, the other things that can be attached to that.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  So then I could imagine you going, I feel a bit uncomfortable about how patriotic I can appear.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's.

• 4:07Speaker 00

  Because, because it has certain connotations, right?

• 4:08Speaker 01

  But also there, there is what is England and England is a diverse country and that's the thing you're proud of, especially when you watch that team go out and play.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  So diversity is there on the pitch.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  But going, but going.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  But my, I have more, like, like, the, the thing I have with it is that, you know, I think the negative connotations which are, you know, and you're right, I think it bonds everyone and people like, you know, what's lovely is, you know, one of the games you're sitting there and you've got my, my mum and dad, Grace is watching, my wife, my fa, you know, and you're all watching together and then you're going out and you're chatting to people who've all sat up and watched it and it's a really nice, like you first are coming together.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Um, you're also aware though, in a, in a very cynical way, of how long is that even going to last?

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  You know, you're, you're aware that, the thing that really painstakingly was a woman in my office who was going to watch the semi-final at a place and I was like, and she's American, and I said, listen, you know, you need to make sure, you know, just be careful because all of this evaporates very quickly when we lose and it, and it always will. And that's the thing, having seen it and been around it, when, when England lose, it's not a nice thing. And that's the thing that actually, the coming together unity and all that, which, which is really, really enjoyable, is forgotten very quickly. And then you're like, how do we bottle this and how do we try and move forward with this as a thing? Uh, and you, you think that and you watch someone like, you know, Jude Bellingham, you know, you feel massive pride in watching someone like Jude Bellingham and what it

• 5:33Speaker 01

  means for Jude Bellingham to go out and, and what he then represents for the country. And then you hope that that's not just going to be something that is a six-week window, every four to, two to four years.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  And I think the thing, the thing that really for me that is most apparent is, is how, yeah, how you, how you turn around and go, okay, look, this, this is how things should be, it should be, it's nice, it's like, it is nice when you, you know, you're in England and everyone's behind the team and everyone's into the team and it feels like there, there's something that's bonding everyone. And let's not be naive, like there's the, still the people who are trying to, you know, pull that apart and twist that and whatever, that's always going to happen, but for the majority of people, that's a nice thing. I'm, I, it always just makes me sad when that, that's over.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  And it's not just over like a, a week later, it's very spontaneous.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  But that's why I think it's really important, I think people need to remember and not, is that like, what you can all get behind is, oh, we got Bellingham, it's coming home, we're telling them.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  By the way, the guy singing it, right?

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Right, big fan.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, great for him, but I'm like, you know, and look, well done, you've come up with a cheeky little song and, and, but, but these raps and Jack Skipper and Jake, I can't remember Jake's, they made a piss take one, which is doing it.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  But they, they, they're sort of like, they're always just, there's one guy that I'm watching doing it and I'm like, I can't rap, I never will be able to rap, but he's literally just, I, I'd love to try and find him to show you. I'm like, none of this rhymes and it's not like, go back and watch someone who could, could actually, you know, to a beat, put together some work. Fleur East has done amazing ones.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  I saw that, yeah, you shared it.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I've shared it quite a lot.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Fleur East, shout out. One of the best things about this World Cup was Fleur East.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  You said it's between Fleur East and Messi for you, wasn't it?

• 7:25Speaker 02

  Want to be the one who's always in the know about the game, the scores, the plays? Here's a tip, the Apple Sports app. Just pick your favourite teams and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  Right, shall we look at some emails?

• 7:53Speaker 01

  This has been, yeah, sorry, that was.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Like and subscribe please, okay.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Like and subscribe and write in.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Dear Wolf and Al, I will falpod at gmail dot com. And, and this could be you. I'm about to read out, could be you. Dear Wolf and Al, I've never been the most, the fittest or most handsome guy, I've never been the most confident either. Every year we book the obligatory family holiday to Mallorca or Costa del Sol and every year I beat myself up that I haven't spent the interim working out or buying the most stylish of clothes in preparation for my half naked day spent by the pool. After hearing your podcast, I realised all men of a certain age feel the same way and yes, there'll be the odd Uber dad with muscles rippling, but most of us are just normal people trying to make the most of our hard-earned time crisping up in the sun. This is just a small, genuine heartfelt thank you. Thank you for providing me with the entertainment through my headphones poolside. Thank you for letting me know that it's okay to be me.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  God bless you both and every success you have in life is a small win for normal people like me who have normal issues and hang-ups. Yours faithfully, the slightly red Irish wolf hound.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  That's lovely, isn't it?

• 8:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, it's slightly awkward there, I was just slapping my leg and you thought I'd start a round of applause.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, I thought it was a little round of applause, I was supposed to email.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Tom, would you like to tackle this?

• 9:02Speaker 01

  Someone sent me a picture recently, actually, of me on a lads holiday and all, in all the pictures, all my mates are sort of topless and I'm in a t-shirt, um, by the pool. Um, I, I think I, that's, I'm trying to think when I start, I, I think, if I'm going to be quite honest, I think when I carried a bit of weight, I was just like, oh, fuck it, no one really cares, I'm an overweight guy and I probably just thought if I've got a couple of beers in my hand, it might, I'll, I'll fall into a stereotype. I think really with caffeine and stuff, I, I think I've, I've cared less, not cared less, I just, I just don't, I think as well, you realise that no one's actually, for the most part, no one's looking, looking around at the pool for someone to be horrible about.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  And if they are, they're the, do you know what I mean? And I think that's, that's the hard truth, you know, so I think for the most people, as this gentleman's saying, I think you're like, yeah, everyone just, you, you don't want to be sort of staring or, I think everyone hopefully, for, for the most, and yeah, you, you'll get that, you know, the guy that last year that I was on holiday with, he would probably got stared at more than anyone, he was an incredible body, beautiful tattoos, every day wore these really lovely black trunks, fucking good-looking guy, you know, caused eruptions around the pool, let me tell you.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  And he could dive.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, it sounds like you might have been watching him quite a lot.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Well, I had some mirrored sunglasses. Um, no, but um, also you don't wanna pass on your anxieties and phobias on to your kids.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  No, I mean, that's a big thing, but I I I I think that actually, and I think we've said this before, but uh the the truth is, and this is something you'd love to really get around, nobody gives a fuck what you look like on holiday. No- nobody gives a shit. Everybody is worrying about their holiday, right? And understandably so. So the idea that anybody is paying you any mind at all for what you look like or whatever, they don't give a crap. And actually, it's weird, it's a it's a form of narcissism. It's a reverse form of narcissism to be really focused on how you look and stuff. People do not care.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  We had someone in our group of friends who's not now, not someone I associate now with for a number of reasons, but that person was someone we'd be around who would be quite evil and quite mean about people.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Uh, you'd be away or, you know, if you were out for dinner or whatever, they'd find people to be horrible about. Not people watching, we all do that. Everyone, you know, we'd be like, you know, this but, yeah, and I think that always set me about being like, oh shit, is that what?

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Well, put it in your head.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, put my, but also that I made a sort of think, oh, people are like that. And then since that and since sort of seeing what that person's really about and getting a closer look inside into them, I kind of was, you know what, the the thing is, for the most part, you you it's probably one of the most unhappy human beings I've ever known.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  And the way that they seek happiness is being quite mean and being quite horrible. And then actually you go, well, I'd sooner be the person you're laughing at who's just happily sitting by the pool or jumping in the pool and not really thinking about it, rather than someone sitting by the pool and just being nasty and vicious. And actually, that that viciousness and that nasty, that's just a sort of way of of looking across at other people being happy and having a good time and just there's almost an air of jealousy. So I was, I think that's, that was a life lesson for me.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I I I think that like, uh, it's slightly unfortunate that when I said, nobody gives a shit, A, you look like you've immediately given a story contradicting that completely. So it slightly undermines my advice. Um, I'd love it if you'd give me a bit of distance before completely collapsing what I said.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't, I was speaking.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  No, no, no, you gotta speak the truth, you gotta speak your truth.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  I speak my truth all the time.

• 12:41Speaker 00

  But yeah, I would say, yeah, I I I think that you do get people like that. Uh, but you know, but the thing is just like, I I think blokes get caught up in this thing of like, a- and I know women do as well, but I'm talking about from a man's point of view here. Blokes get caught up in this thing of like, you've got to look absolutely ripped when you go on holiday. But but but like, the thing is, I sort of think to myself, well, why? I- i- if you're happy how you are, right? What is, what, what is the, what is the tangible benefit of looking ripped on holiday? Is your like, what, why are you doing that? Because you want people to what, admire your body or whatever?

• 13:21Speaker 01

  I just think.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  I I just don't, like, that logic, it it psychologically, I don't think it's a healthy thing to aim for, do you know what I mean? It's it's like, I sort of think the only person I, the only person whose opinion I care about that really is mine and Lisa's, right? And if we are both okay with how I look.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  Then I don't think, who gives a shit? Do you know what I mean? And and and by the way, I'm saying that like it's really easy, but but as the the the addition to your happiness by caring less what people think about you, looks wise, behaviour wise, all of that. The addition to your happiness and contentment is um is so huge. But you think about like, the the number of times you've not worn something that's a bit out there because you're worried about being embarrassed about it, or the number of times you've you've not enjoyed yourself at a water park because you're worried about how your body looks. It's all these things where experiences have been damaged and ruined because of your perceived

• 14:23Speaker 00

  understanding of how people are looking, how people are judging you. Yeah, who gives a fuck? And like, and and and like you I I just think the net, there is no net gain from doing that. I I I I just think i- i- it's frustrating to me because I feel guilty of, I'm guilty of it. But you could add so much to your happiness and contentment in life by liberating yourself. And and and and it's as easy as going, you could wake up tomorrow morning and go, I have decided I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks about me, right? And and if you manage to do that, you'd be, I I'm telling you, like, I just believe you'd be so much happier in everything you do. Do you know what I mean? It's like.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  A hundred percent.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  A- and I think about.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  By the way, I, this is very Bart, like, you're on Stephen Bartlett and I'm in.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, I just, I just think it's like, I sort of, I sort of think about, say, for example, like, you are somebody I look up to uh, fashion wise, right? I could really like what you wear and stuff like that. And there are times when you wear something that's like unusual or out there, right? That is something that there is a pressure to not do that. Do you know what I mean? Like, like sometimes you might wear something that you think, you you buy something you think is really cool. And then you're about to get, yeah, I I I've had that thing where you buy something that's a bit out there. Have you ever had this where you you're about to leave and you look in the mirror and you go, I don't know if I can pull this off? Do you know what I mean?

• 15:44Speaker 01

  I had it with the socks today.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  These socks?

• 15:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  See, those socks are fantastic.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  But then I I, but then I'm also at his apartment. That, we had a comment recently on one of our videos uh, that we put out, one of them, and and someone put, uh, why the fuck would anyone listen to advice for a guy who's wearing a denim beanie? I was like, why, why, yeah, you know, when you just like.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  Do you know when um, when I do, when I go and do the Saturday show on Radio Two?

• 16:09Speaker 00

  If I get a comment on a so, like, when they post a social video of like, if I get a comment from somebody going, why is he wearing that? I consider that a victory.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  Because I just sort of think like, as soon as you're wearing something remotely kind of nice, somebody will go, nah, looks like he's wearing his curtains, or.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  But but then without being, it's like, I was walking, walking here, I was walking through Covent Garden and four of these builder lads walked past me. Bearing in mind, I'd worked in that world for a long time. And they walked past and all three of them were dressed in exactly the same clothes, right? Not a uniform, just the same, okay, we're safe in this this look. And they walked past and one, they looked me up and down and then one went, pink trainers and them socks and they sort of guffawed amongst themselves. I was like, yeah. The the you're you're just all completely, you're you're confined by a look that what, you know, you've got, oh, we feel safe in this.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  It's sort of an air of bravery and sort of, yeah. By the way, you know, you're talking, you're talking about someone who's ripped, to tell, all I can think of is Ned Flanders.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Ned Flanders is the most beige, but but when Ned Flanders takes his top off, you're like, he's hiding that all the year round on holiday. But then Ned Flanders, you go, fucking, oh, look at his body. Go over and have a chat and go, hey, by the way, it's worth that, dickhead.

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  I'd rather be homo.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Uh, so anyway, in answer to your question, in answer to your email, I'm glad that we've helped out in some way, but I would push it even further than that and like, stop giving a shiny shit. I wish I could take that advice.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Unfortunately, I'll end this podcast and immediately become neurotic about what I'm wearing today, but anyway.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  You look nice today.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Thanks, man. Thanks. Thanks so much.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Actually, your socks are cool as well.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Thank you. Actually, Cassie's dead socks.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Are they?

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Hi, Wolf and Owl, Swan and Cat. These two months have been leading up to my first set of final solicitor exa- solicitor exams that I now don't feel totally ready for. But in any case, I've achieved devouring at least seventy percent of your episodes and counting. It's always time well spent laughing like a mad woman while I listen to you two. What's the furthest you've gone to procrastinate or distract yourself from something important? Thanks for all the giggles, the distracted parakeet. Parakeet. Um, I'm a terrible, at times I can be an awful procrastinator. And I would tell you now, I had, I've had twelve deadlines for the book and the procrastination that I have done.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  And by the way, the editor of my book is one of my loveliest men and is an absolute fucking diamond. And he listens to this podcast. But I would tell you, like, I've never felt less, it's it's important, I wanna write it, I really wanna do a good job. I don't know, it's the only thing I've ever done in my life where I I write, anything I write.

• 18:51Speaker 00

  When you say deadlines, deadlines for the finished product?

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:55Speaker 00

  You've missed twelve of those?

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, or or like twelve beats of like.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Twelve stages of that process.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I miss it more time. Cause every time I write something, I'll go back to it and delete it. I I literally, if you, if I was to show you the document, it's an empty one.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Cause there's nothing of, I literally sit, write, go, oh, that's good, and go back and read it and go, who would fucking read this? Who the fuck would read this? Right? And I've, and that's been now two years.

• 19:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Um, and and I will, most things I'm pretty good. If I'm writing a script, I have a, I have a way of sitting down and I'll, you know, I'm I'm I'm tracked here. If I'm doing stand up stuff, if I'm going through performance, I I with with that, I I will proca- I cut a tree down the other day. I literally, there's a tree in my garden and Catherine was like, what do you think of that tree in the garden? And I was like, yeah, I mean, I haven't really thought about it. I'm just trying to do this stuff on the book. And she was like, okay. And then I went, actually, no, I'll do something about it. And then I Googled and spent like the morning or sort of a couple of hours looking at how I best take this tree down, because it was a, it was, the tree was dead.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Uh, and then then spent the rest of the day cutting it down, ordering a skip, then the next day filled the skip with the tree and then loads of other shit in the in the garden. I spent two or three days just doing gardening. Uh, and I went back to my laptop and thought, I don't know what I'm doing. I like, I have no idea like what the fuck this is. It's, yeah, so that, my procrastination of the book is by far like, like, i- if I could now just get someone to come up to me and go, okay, this is what you've got to do, I'll go, okay, cool. But I have, I have no, I have no idea what I'm doing. And every time I do something, and I I don't mean, I'm not saying this for, I literally will sit there and go, oh, this, oh, I found the thing I'm worse at.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Um, uh, my attitude towards procrastination has changed a little bit. Like, I am. Uh, so I'm writing a stand-up tour at the moment and, uh.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Next year, all dates nearly sold out?

• 21:01Speaker 00

  Pretty much, almost, yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  Uh, I've still got a lot of dates on sale, a lot of tickets to be sold.

• 21:06Speaker 00

  Can I, is it possible for me to talk about my tour without you replugging yours?

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you're tell, can I just say, you know, I know you've been at stand-up and you're fucking a big dog.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  I'm not a big dog.

• 21:14Speaker 01

  You are, but like, you know how soul destroying it is? My, my stand-up's the second half of this year. I'm still hustling to sell tickets. Yours is fucking next year and all I see is sold out dates. I'm like, oh, this guy, there, there's a level difference. I'm like, you, you, you know, like, people go, oh, you're gonna do any promo for your stand-up? Well, this fucking guy doesn't need it. You've, you've.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  I tell who? I do. Second night of the O2, needs selling.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  We've got three hundred and fifty tickets that need selling.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  And whole.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  And whole, yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  A whole, yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Fucking hull.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  If you're wondering which of mine needs selling, go on the website, um, all of them.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  Um, anyway, when I used to write stand-up, I used to build in to my days that I would get distracted, right?

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  And then I started getting frustrated with the fact that I was getting distracted. I was like, this is ta, it's eating too much time. And then I got annoyed in my brain for allowing myself to, you know, for, for getting, being like scatty or ADHD or whatever you wanna call it. And then I realised, or one of the things that I've started trying to do now is actually the key is, or the key for me, is to set up a set of rules where you cannot be distracted. And what I mean by that is, I'm talking about extreme things like giving my phone to Lisa and saying, do not give this back to me for three hours, right?

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  And, and like, uh, I, I don't, and, and, and setting up a workspace and going, I don't want to be, do not, nobody come and talk to me for the, you know, whatever. Or, and, and then you just sit, and a lot of the time, you, your brain is just going, you can get distracted, but there is not, but, but what you've got, what I've found is remove everything to get distracted by, so that actually the most interesting thing to do is write stand-up. Do you, do you know what I mean? And, and, and I've found that really works for me.

• 23:05Speaker 00

  And, and it's, it's actually quite, it, it is good. It has been better.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  And then the other thing I found is compartmentalising,

• 23:16Speaker 00

  how much work you're gonna do versus when your day is over. And what I mean by that is, I used to be like, if I'm writing stand-up today, ten in the morning till six in the evening, I'm writing stand-up, right? The truth is, that is unrealistic.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  Okay, because your brain will just turn to mush. So now, if I do, for me personally, it might be different for other people, if I do four and a half hours of writing stand-up in a day.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  So you, but you'll do like an hour of a break, an hour or, or like.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll do an, I'll do, I might do like an hour, but if I get carried away, or if I'm in, you know, I might do a bit longer. But I'll do an hour and then I'll just sort of take a break or go and get a drink or something like that, then come back and do it. And sometimes you can feel it. You, you're, the ideas aren't, the, the stuff that you're thinking about isn't as good. Do you know what I mean? You, you, I can feel where my brain's starting to, but it's starting to fray around the edges. And I used to be like, no, but you've got to sit at this desk till whatever time, because otherwise you haven't made. Now it's like, if I've done five, if I've done five hours of writing stand-up, not all in one chunk, if I've done five hours across the day, and I'm talking about like, maybe I did two hours in the morning, dick around for a bit, hour, dick around for a bit, two hours. If I do four, five hours,

• 24:27Speaker 00

  I am, that is a fucking great day for me. And, and then that means that I can then dick around and do whatever that, I've earned the right to put, to just shit around for the rest of the day. You know, I can do whatever the hell I want, because that to me is a productive day. But for other people, it might be different, but that's how I.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  With scripts, I can, I'll sit there, I'll do, yeah, I'll make sure like, if I'm writing a script, seven hours, six, but like, I'll go, nine o'clock start, like you, I, and stand-up very similar.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  Like, the phone goes off, I don't, you know, I don't have any like, literally, this is what, but the book is like, cause I, I can sit and write a script and go, I know what I'm doing it.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  And at the end of the day, I'll go, I'll look through the script and go, oh, that's not very good, but that's really good. Or that's, that could work. I could do this or I could put that there. I do. And stand-up, I'll go, okay, yeah, well, that wouldn't say that, but, but, but, you know, the book, I would, I've ne, like, I, I mean this, two years, I've never once sat there and gone, oh, wow, yeah, there it is. I literally will just delete everything.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  But then have you, cause I had that thing, when I wrote my first book, I like, um, I would write a chapter and then I'd come back to it later and I'd delete the whole chapter. So I reckon, I reckon when I wrote my first book, I probably wrote two books worth of stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like, I was just like, but, um, then I, I know he's a bit of a controversial figure, but that, that Rick Rubin, that creative act book, one of the things it says in that, and actually one of the things it says in that about writing anything is as soon as you, uh, like, you have to, I mean, this is so wanky now, but anyway, but this is, I've done a bit of reading. You have to delay your inner critic as long as you possibly can.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  So, so basically, the aim, and this is really difficult, is to write or create as much as you possibly can before you apply any kind of, is this good enough? Thought to it, or who's gonna read the, you, you've got to kill that guy for a little bit, or put that guy to sleep, right?

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:23Speaker 00

  And then you just get that shit out there. This is what I've, you know, I don't, I'm, uh, everything I'm saying here, I can't, I, I don't, I can't do it. I'm just, I'm not saying I've nailed it, but that person, you've got to put to one side as much as you can. And then once you've got it all out there, then you go, right, what's good here? Do you know what I mean? And, and, and that, that is, that, that is one of the things, especially as we've got like, um,

• 26:52Speaker 00

  low, you know, when you have low self-esteem creatively and your tastes and your abilities feel like there's a mismatch. We know what we like, but we don't know if we can create what we like. The problem is, is that as soon as you create something, you go, this is a piece of shit.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  And nobody can ever see this. And that is, that is the bit you have to kind of put to sleep for a little bit, I think.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, like, I, yeah.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  Or, you know, I think the easiest thing is to get a ghostwriter.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Okay, if I could do that, maybe.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  You could. And, and I think if you do, don't tell me or anybody on this podcast. Okay, should we go to the next question?

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Sweet, Romy Scummy, you're up.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  Hello, fellas. I've recently been on a bit of a Muppets kick, watching the recent movies from my childhood and the new show. Being twenty-one, it's probably not the most common interest, but it's probably because my late mother was a fan and showed me the old shows when I was growing up. My mother's tiredness aside, I was wondering, what classic tell-all movie you love, would you like to see reimagined through the lens of the Muppets? This is a very specific question to you. Crucially, which one character would be human? Or if had one of your own projects Muppetified, Muppetified, which Muppet would play your character? My dead mum would love to hear your answers.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  I'd like to see The Godfather, actually, would be quite cool, and it's my pet.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Really good shout. Do you know what I think would be great?

• 28:04Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 28:05Speaker 00

  Pulp Fiction.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Oh, that would be sick. They'd be two sick films. Who would you go Godfather? Kermit would have to be Michael Corleone.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Uh, Gonzo as, as Godfather veto Corleone.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  But who would you keep as a human?

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Um, probably Diane Keaton. But, but obviously not Diane Keaton now, it'd be someone else steps into that role.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Charlize Theron.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Charlize Theron.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  Jennifer Lawrence would be good.

• 28:32Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 28:33Speaker 01

  There's, yeah, Kay. Yeah. That would be, go on. Who would be the hu, human role in yours?

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Pulp Fiction.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  I mean, Miss Piggy's got to be devastated if she's not playing Emma Thurman's character.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, Bruce Willis's character, I guess. What's his name?

• 28:48Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that's okay, yeah. Bruce Willis would be cool.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  There's dead baby.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Who, the Cookie Monster is, is, um, Vin Romesh.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Oh, Vin Romesh, yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, that would be sick. Uh, the show for me, out of my work, is very easy. Murder and Successful for Muppets would be fucking sick.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  And then whoever is the guest would be.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  The human.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Uh, for mine, it'd probably be from my shows, uh, Weakest Link, probably.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Oh, The Muppets, Weakest Link would be amazing. When you get, what, one episode?

• 29:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, one episode. I'd be the human character in it.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  We've got eight of the Muppets.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  You should do that as a Muppets special. Get old Jim, is it Jim?

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, yeah, the Muppets are banging down our door to come on the weakest link.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  That would be sick, though.

• 29:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I'd love that. I'd love to make that inquiry.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  You should get someone, no, don't do it yourself, you'll look thirsty and a bit beggy. Get someone from production to do it. That would be fucking amazing.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, it would be. It won't happen.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  This is the thing about it, never say never. Like, you could literally, that, if that's your dream, make it happen.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  Okay, it's not my dream. We're literally, we're just triggered by this email.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  That would be great. The Muppets Murder and Successful, I'd love.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, that'd be good. Muppets and Successful.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I think, again, Gonzo would be a great sleeve.

• 30:01Speaker 00

  You'd be the human character.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you'd have the human be the guest. Your Gonzo would be a sleeve.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. Then finally, I'd get into an episode.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  I'd love to. If we could bring it back, I'd love to get you in. Thing is, I don't know how, we're so close now.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  I know.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  All right. Thanks, motherfuckers, for all your emails.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Any more pictures or emails?

• 30:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, any nudes. [email protected]. Send them in.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  No nudes. By the way, thank you for everyone, the nudes have really quelled now, they've stopped.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  [email protected]. We'll see you next time, bitches.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  As have Elise the baby.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  See you later. It's been the Wolf and Owl.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, honey.