The Traitors, Therapy and Bathroom Etiquette

How do you deal with people who don't like you? The Wolf and the Owl join us again to talk about therapy, cortisol, managing stress and accepting that sometimes people just aren't going to vibe with you. From an insight into Tom’s bedtime routine, to discussing the dangers of leaving your emotional "tabs" open and an important debate on poo etiquette, it's a varied episode packed with role plays, scenarios and advice. Plus, Tom pushes Rom to spill some of the The Traitors tea and discuss why spoilers might be the worst thing about modern TV. A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Chapters 00:00 Intro 01:01 A sleep situation 06:25 Cortisol conversation 08:26 Therapy talk 11:40 A role play on speaking up 16:54 A stomach rumble interruption 17:26 Wrong words and Trumpism 19:45 Tom’s bathroom window beef 21:43 An awkward scenario 25:31 Poo etiquette 33:30 Method acting 35:04 How Tom deals with haters 38:28 Tom wants to talk Traitors 42:23 Not being liked 45:59 Tom’s Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to the Wolf and the Owl.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Yo Rummy, Rummy, are you ready to podcast, Rummy?

• 0:11Speaker 00

  About some stuff.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Um, I think we've got a really pressing matter, by the way.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  What?

• 0:17Speaker 01

  So Jean has made quite a lot of appearances now, he's become quite a feature of the, it feels obtuse that he doesn't have an animal's name. I think the coyote.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Like, so the wily coyote, smelly.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  He smells nice, he smells good.

• 0:33Speaker 00

  Sorry, I'm just trying to think of the most horrible things I can say.

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Uh, hyena? I think the coyote's nice. You happy with the coyote?

• 0:39Speaker 02

  I like that.

• 0:40Speaker 01

  Okay, you're in as a coyote, yeah. The wolf, the owl and the coyote.

• 0:44Speaker 00

  Like and subscribe.

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Um, so we've got a bit of a situation.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  You have got an erection?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, you're so brave in those trousers, by the way. With Mickey drips, that is an insane thing.

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I've told you, I, I.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, you don't suffer, you're fucking immune to them.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  I'm not immune, but I've got a technique.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, you did a.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  I do the U bend, the U bend finger.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've tried that, it doesn't work.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  It works for me.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've got a strong urine.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, unfortunately very weak pronunciation.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  I love it. By the way, I know you're tired now.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Well, how do you know? Cause I'm getting shitty.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can feel the tired, like you're like a little baby, you're like a three year old.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  I'm quite tired, I'm quite sleepy though.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Uh, you've got a sleepyness, but how is your sleeping?

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Um, well, I've started, so do you remember many, many moons ago, I talked about magnesium butter?

• 1:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  And then I got fed up with rubbing that on myself before bed. So I've now got a spray.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  What? What comes as a spray?

• 2:02Speaker 00

  It's like a, it's like a joint spray, but it helps you sleep.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  Oh, you know, I've, I've got that.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  So I've been doing that, uh, I've been trying to stay off my phone before bed, that's not always worked.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, the aroused meditation, any more erections when you're meditating?

• 2:15Speaker 00

  No more erections, that happened once.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Um, but the other thing that's.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Someone asked me about that on the train.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  What did they say?

• 2:22Speaker 01

  About, oh, like they whispered it sort of like, like that we were both there. Oh God, I bet we've always got an erection when he was meditating.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Just sort of, we laughed together, it was quite nice actually.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  I think I need to move my bedtime earlier.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  What time are we going to bed?

• 2:36Speaker 00

  I, I normally start to think about going to bed about 11 o'clock.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  What?

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Is that late?

• 2:41Speaker 01

  About nine o'clock for me.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  You're not in bed, but yeah, but we're comedians.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, from gigging, obviously.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  No, I know that, thanks a lot guys.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  Not only opening, to do a gig at six, eight.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  But that's what worries me is, cause like, i- if you're going to bed at nine o'clock and then you go on tour, then what you're doing is, you're having to perform during a time when you'd normally be asleep, that's what makes me worried.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Thinking is I'm resting, like a, like an animal, I'm resting amongst that other time, that's where I'm catching up my sleep then.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  You go to bed at nine o'clock?

• 3:11Speaker 01

  Uh, nine o'clock.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  So you don't watch any post watershed television?

• 3:15Speaker 01

  You said you start thinking about going to bed.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Right, so nine o'clock you start thinking about.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  Nine o'clock I go, okay, I'm gonna go have my shower, go through my bedtime rituals, get into bed.

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Talk me through your bedtime rituals, please?

• 3:25Speaker 01

  They've become more and more now.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Great, great news.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Always a poo, always trying to have a poo before bed, don't wanna risk that, um.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Risk what?

• 3:35Speaker 01

  No, just having to get up in night for a poo.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  The problem is you're quite, if you don't, if you need a poo before bed and you don't do it.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  You're very farcey.

• 3:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, and also you don't wanna wake up at four in the morning, three in the morning.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  I've done that on more than one occasion.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd rather clean out for the day, muck out the handbag, um, and then, uh,

• 3:55Speaker 01

  and then I have a shower with some lavender, like a lavender wash.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Uh, um, brush your old bricks, uh, I've been put, I've got this new bald stuff.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Oh, is he just trying to brush new teeth?

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  Okay, thank God.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  What did you think it was?

• 4:13Speaker 00

  I don't know, brush the old bricks, I thought, has he got a special flannel for his testicles or something?

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Uh, and then I've been, I've got this new stuff that you, for bald guys, like an SPF you use during the day.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  Like a cream, like an after cream that you use in the evening.

• 4:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  So I've been doing that, I do that, uh, I do a little bit of breathing, I do the four, two, six.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, you should be breathing all night really.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I hold my breath, certainly I was asleep, I, I tape up my nose and my mouth, um, I do the four, two, six breathing method.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  So, so talk me through that?

• 4:43Speaker 01

  Four seconds in, two seconds, hold, six seconds out. It's really good for your heart apparently.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Right, have you heard the thing about, you know, you know about cortisol?

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, cortisol by the way is the biggest prick in your body, it does some good stuff, but cortisol is a fuck. That's why a lot of us have guts is cortisol.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  It's like cortisol holds, that's where you hold all your fat.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  You can lower your cortisol levels by just sticking your tongue out for a while.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Really?

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  How long?

• 5:08Speaker 00

  For about 40 seconds.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Forty seconds?

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, you stick your tongue out, it lowers your cortisol levels, you should do that every night. I think the one I read was like, it was like five times, you do it five times back to back, 40 seconds, back in, 40 seconds, back in.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  And then by the time you've done that, you actually, that, that's one of the most, well, not one, I don't know if it's one of the most.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Cause that's what breathing's gonna do as well, right? So if you do the breathing, I mean, that's, that's almost 10 minutes of.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  Have you heard about this, uh, also the other thing that, uh, spikes your cortisol or keeps your cortisol levels high? So apparently the, by the way, please don't, I'm not a doctor, this is just stuff I've read, so cortisol levels.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  You're well read though when it comes to this stuff.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Well, not particularly, not as well read as I like to be, but you know, I've got a family and a burgeoning career to take care of, but, um.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  It's weird, cause you went from doing the violin to doing the vocal, didn't you?

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  You didn't really make a decision about what you were doing when you started.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Oh, I see, okay.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  That's the.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  So, uh.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Wanna be the one who's always in the know about the game, the scores, the plays? Here's a tip, the Apple Sports app, just pick your favourite teams and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone.

• 6:52Speaker 04

  Cashmere outerwear and boots are up to 60% off at Nordstrom Rack. Save on brands like Ugg, Vince and Kohan. Join the Nordy Club for free to unlock exclusive discounts. Great brands, great prices, that's why you rack.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  What was it? Oh yeah, so cortisol levels.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  So cortisol, um, is, makes your body hold on to fat because it feels like there's an emergency on the way.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's fight or flight.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, so, so there's lots of things that, stress and all of that, it's all stress related. But apparently there's lots of little things that we do that contribute to our cortisol levels, for example, you know when you have something that you, you're dreading a little bit?

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  Like, say for example, you've got to make a phone call to your accountant or something, that's sort of the example which brings to my mind, not that I don't like my accountant, but.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Nice guy?

• 7:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, really nice guy.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  What's his name? Ian?

• 7:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  That's genuinely quite an accounting name.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, very nice guy.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Ian Batterworth?

• 7:51Speaker 00

  No.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Okay, one of the guesses, surname.

• 7:54Speaker 00

  All right, I'll give you three guesses.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Okay, Ian Batterworth, that's my first.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Uh, Ian Armstrong?

• 8:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Fuck off.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  It's Ian Armstrong.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Really?

• 8:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Are you joking?

• 8:05Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Are you serious?

• 8:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Wow, fucking hell. I mean, I'd have preferred if it was Ian Batterworth, but Armstrong.

• 8:12Speaker 00

  I just, it isn't, but I just don't want you to do three of those, um, so, uh.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Greaves?

• 8:19Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  So if you, um, if you leave, if you don't make that phone call, so for example, it occurs to you in the morning, I've got to phone my accountant.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  And then you don't phone your accountant, that's like keeping a tab open, right? So, and so if you've got a few of those things where you've got to do things like that, or you haven't finished a script that you're trying to work on or whatever, or, or you've got to talk to a family member about something, or whatever it is, you know, these little tiny stresses? If you go to bed with those still open, it maintains your high cortisol.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Wow, that's fucking mad.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  So actually it's in your interest to.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Close as many as you.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, to actually.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  It's like an advent calendar.

• 8:58Speaker 00

  Grab the thorn by the, grab the nettle by the.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Thorn?

• 9:02Speaker 00

  By the, grab the, grasp the nettle.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  You know, that's what you're supposed to do.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Have you been better at doing that?

• 9:09Speaker 00

  Well, uh, without wanting to divulge too much personal information, um, I've been having regular therapy recently.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Okay, cool.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  And one of the things that my therapist said, uh, aside from the fact, I think I shared with you that he told me that he's, that can't remember a time he's spoken to somebody that talks as negatively about themselves as I do.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 00

  The other thing he said was, is that I am not, uh, I need to own my feelings more. So what that means is, if, if you do something to upset me.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Or say I feel aggrieved at something you've done, or I'm annoyed by something you've done.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  My, uh, he says my, not that, we didn't use you as an example by the way, but.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  I don't know, hope so.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  My default setting is that I will just keep it to myself or just.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, but.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Live with it, right?

• 9:55Speaker 01

  I think, I mean, I do that.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  And that leads to ongoing resentment and then it might lead to a bigger falling out in the future because these, you know, like, you know, we've all had this with our partners where you, um, you don't say something, then something else happens, then something else happens. Then by the end of it, you've got a six month record of all of the things that they've done that fucked you up, they're essentially the same misdemeanor in your mind, but you've not spoken about it at the time. So what he said was, is that, is that I need to get better at saying what I think or, or, or saying what I feel about something and worrying less about the other, so say if you do something to upset me.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  If I say to you.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Like if I wipe my ass with your t-shirt, for example.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I mean, I don't think I'd have a problem in saying that I was annoyed about that. That, that is not something that I would keep to myself, I wouldn't go, fucking hell, I don't wanna upset Tom and make him think that's not the right thing to do.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  All right, um, okay, so like, say for example.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  Here, here's an example, say for example, we were out with a, a group of work colleagues, we're working on a.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  So we're out with John, Will, Big Ben.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Oh, not people that work for us, I mean, colleagues, right?

• 11:03Speaker 00

  I don't mean staff.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  No, say we're up for a group.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Josh, Robbie B.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know, I'm joking, I'm joking. Ben, John and Will, right? Say we're out with them.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  John's dancing probably.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know what he's like.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, TGIs.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, taking his tie off.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Waving it above his head, swinging it above his head like a lasso.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, actually appropriately, a lot like Coyote Ugly.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's 10am at Chiquito's.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  On a trading estate somewhere. Yeah, okay.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  And then you started taking the piss out of me.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:41Speaker 00

  Like, but doing it in a way that was a bit, like, you know, say you got carried away.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  I'm trying to think of an example that'd be close to something you would do. Where you really started like warming to your theme and started humiliating.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  And so like, I found it upsetting.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  So.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Like, I've basically done it, so Ben then joins in.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, everyone's like really killing me over and you've been.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  The waiter comes in and goes, well, get a tip here if I take a mick out of this, Nick.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I just have a terrible time, right?

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  So, one choice is to just keep it to yourself and be really upset about it. The other thing is to go, you know, you do it in a polite way and at the right time. But I would say, look, to be honest with you, in fact, you can, we can role play if you want.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Okay, oh, cool.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  So, imagine, like, so let's both, let's exaggerate, we'll have to slightly turn up, because we're not playing a character now.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  You're being you, I'm being me.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:29Speaker 00

  But let's slightly turn up our issues. So you're a bit bullshier than you normally be.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  And I'm a bit more timid than I'd normally be, okay?

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Okay. Um, the vegan stuff's for old stink here.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Oh, shut up, John, that's enough now, mate. Oh, what was that, Ben? Oh, give it to him a little harder than that, mate.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Um, do you think John should put his pants back on?

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Run, mate. Why are you spoiling it? John's having a good time, he works really hard. And if he wanted to fart on your burger, you should let him.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  Um, Tom, can I have a quick word, please?

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. What is it, mate? You're all right, you're not gonna cry again, are you?

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Um, no, I'm not gonna cry, I just think, um.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Well.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  What was that?

• 13:18Speaker 01

  I was sort of, silences make me feel uncomfortable.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  Okay, well, I was talking, so it wasn't actually silent.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  All right, good.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  Um, I've got to say, I think you're being a little bit.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  What have I done?

• 13:31Speaker 00

  Well, uh, the, the, you've not done anything wrong, but I just wanted to say the way that you are sort of cheerleading this kind of, uh, piss-taking out of me.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  I actually find it quite upsetting.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Wow, okay.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Uh, uh, and it's sort of making this, it's making this evening a lot less enjoyable for me, to be honest with you.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Well, you know what, it's, I felt uncomfortable. So I've overstepped the mark and I realised that. And actually, I feel really, really bad about it. And I didn't want you to have a bad time, but I wanted everyone else to have a good time.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  And I totally get that, I totally get that.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  And you've become the doormat to the entrance into having a good time, and that's not fair on you. So should I order some mojitos and get everyone to stop?

• 14:14Speaker 00

  That'd be amazing.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Okay. Hey, guys, um, I know we've had a laugh, but we've sort of joked over, Ramesh said.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  I, I, I, I didn't want you to do like a little, can I have another word with you over here, please?

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Sorry, guys, be back in a minute. Oh, John, John, get us another mate, you know, another Stella.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  John, please put your dick away.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Where is it, mate? You all right?

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, I didn't really want you to make a big thing of it.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Well, it's quite a big thing.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  I know, but then it becomes a bit more of an incident.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  And you're basically all of our boss. So it's sort of like, like, everyone will be really, really upset about the fact you're upset.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying, I don't think you should say something, I think, let's just like, let it kind of.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Okay, well, it's.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  It doesn't have to be a big thing.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Right. Then we go back to the table and Will's like, I don't know, put a pin on your seat, so you sit down. Will, you fucking idiot, Rom's already upset, mate.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  No, wha, wha, wha, wha, can I have another, can I have another quick word? John, balls away.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  What is it, mate? What's wrong?

• 15:12Speaker 00

  Again, you're sort of making a thing of it.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, but Will put that pin on your seat.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  I know, I know, but just, I could, I saw the pin, we could just move it aside and you don't have to be aggressive.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  Okay, cool, I'm just saying, on an edge now, because I don't want you to get upset.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Well, you don't have to be on edge, I don't need to be on edge, you shouldn't, you shouldn't have to be on edge to just sort of be decent to me.

• 15:27Speaker 01

  Okay, okay, let's go back.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  All right.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Oh, by the way, I wanted to say how amazing Ramesh is and how handsome I think he looks today.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  Could I have a quick word again?

• 15:38Speaker 01

  You all right? What's wrong?

• 15:40Speaker 00

  I don't need you to big me up.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  It's, it's somewhere in between.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Okay, somewhere in between.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  Bigging me up and being horribly abusive, so.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Guys, I was just about to say, actually, you know, he's really average, sort of one of the mill, sort of in the middle sort of person.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Tom, Tom, can I have a quick, can I have a quick word? You don't have to do any announcement. You, you, let's just return to the evening.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Okay, cool, okay.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  All right.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  Everyone having fun?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, probably not as funny, it was, it was a couple of minutes ago, but still fun, because we're still eating and stuff and, yeah. So obviously you don't want to say anything else.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  John, could you get your cock out of the mustard, please?

• 16:14Speaker 01

  That's, so you see, that's good, the way you've dealt with it, it's really.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Um, anyway, sorry, that, I mean, obviously that was a bit of a mad example, but the point is, you're supposed to own your feelings.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  I think that's cool.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  And you're supposed to not take response, so say, for example.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Like.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Sometimes, sometimes you don't, sometimes you don't say something to somebody because you're worried they're gonna get upset, right?

• 16:32Speaker 01

  And then it upsets you.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's not your responsibility. Like, all, all, all you're saying is, I feel like this. And then it's up to them how they take that on board, do you know what I mean? And you have to slightly, not to be, not to not give a shit, but.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Like, treat yourself as a friend.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's kind of how it is. So anyway, that, I've tried to do that a bit more.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Who, who, who's that involved? Who have you had to have that chat with?

• 16:56Speaker 00

  It's just like everyday things, like if something and not, if, if something, if you don't want to do something or you feel like somebody's, you know, overstepped the mark. Or it like, it's happened at work a couple of times, but like, something might happen, not, not that anyone's been horrible to me, but like, something that I wouldn't normally speak about. I wouldn't normally, I wouldn't want to make a fuss, I've actually said, and you don't have to say it in a combative way, you just have to go, it would help me out if we didn't do it like that from now on, do you know what I mean? Or that's actually, I would actually, I'd actually find it easier if this was like this, or it wasn't, you know what I mean? Like, you, it's kind of doing stuff like that, which isn't something that comes naturally to me.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's good that you're doing that.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  But I think, but then I think people get surprised when they say that, because my stand-up and like, and also I'm a piss-taker, but, did you hear that?

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Where's your tummy?

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Fucking hell.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ. Do you know what that is? That's anxiety you're, you're carrying around in your tummy.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  Let me see if I can.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  You've got a baby in there when you do that.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was, well, no, but it's like, it made a really loud grumble, didn't it?

• 17:51Speaker 01

  Massive grumble, I'm sure if we listen to this back.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Do you reckon that's a medical, do you reckon that's a medical thing?

• 17:54Speaker 01

  No, it's just because you're hungry.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  Okay, fine.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  You probably need a fart.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  It's, that's, that was loud, by the way.

• 18:00Speaker 00

  It was really loud. That's one of the loudest noises my stomach's ever made.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  That's probably the loudest I've ever heard. It felt like.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Ever in your life.

• 18:07Speaker 01

  Tummy rumble, yeah. I don't think I've heard a tummy rumble that's been so translucent, lucen.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  I don't think I've ever heard somebody use translucent more in the more incorrect context. Do you know what translucent, what do you think translucent means?

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Loud and sort of like.

• 18:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  What does it mean?

• 18:23Speaker 00

  Translucent is like, uh, see-through.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Okay, well, yeah, in a way it was, because it felt, I could sort of see right into your belly, how loud that was.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Is that what translucent means?

• 18:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  It, it felt, yeah.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  You know what confused me is because transparent means that as well.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. By the way, we, we said this in about episode 10. What a stupid idiots come up with two different words. Someone should be, someone comes in and goes, right, okay, I've invented the word transparent. About two weeks later, someone's gone, Eric, have you got any new words? Oh, translucent.

• 18:50Speaker 00

  Shall we have a look at what the difference between translucent and translucent is?

• 18:52Speaker 01

  Also, look at the idiots who came out with both words. That's the thing that really annoys me, when two words mean the same thing.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  Okay, transparent materials allow light to pass through clearly, enabling you to see distinct objects on the other side. While translucent materials allow light to pass but scatter it, resulting in a blurry, obscured view, I see. So you can, what are you getting, so they mean two different things, don't they? It's exactly what you can play.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  So many things to remember.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  This is the narrative of what just happened. Let me give you the chronology.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 19:19Speaker 00

  Annoyed that there are two words that mean the same thing. Discovery that they actually mean a different thing. Annoyance, still.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. You've got to do what you said, would you rather I just look that in silence?

• 19:29Speaker 00

  No, but, no, but it's like, no, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is, that is the, like, that's Trumpism.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Trumpism.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  What you've just displayed is Trumpism, which is you've decided something's to be the case.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  Somebody shows you that it's not the case, and you're still angry about it being.

• 19:46Speaker 01

  Because I still think you've got three things that are almost the same.

• 19:50Speaker 00

  Well, opaque is the opposite, so.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  We've just, we've, so we've got, in front of us now, we've got transparent, translucent and opaque. Tom said that's three things that mean the same.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  It's because there's three things to the different windows.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  It's three images clearly showing different stuff. One of them is a window that is transparent. The next one, the best way to describe it is like a frosted window.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  Right? So translucent, where the, you can still see through, but, and then the third one is opaque. Tom has gone, what's the point in three words or something for the same thing?

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Because I was looking at the window.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Opaque and transparent are opposites, bro.

• 20:27Speaker 04

  Stay cosy and look cool with up to 60% off cold weather gear at Nordstrom Rack. Save on cashmere, outerwear, boots and more from brands like Ugg, Vince, Cole Haan and Hunter. Join the Nordy Club for free to unlock exclusive discounts, shop clearance and new arrivals first and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favourite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  Can I just say by the way, I think a low life action, right? It's when someone has a transparent bathroom window.

• 21:01Speaker 00

  A low life action?

• 21:02Speaker 01

  I think if you turn around at someone's house and they've got a transparent bathroom window, that's a low. It's insane. I went to someone's house the other day, literally.

• 21:11Speaker 00

  You're talking about downstairs bathroom?

• 21:12Speaker 01

  Downstairs or upstairs. Like, you go to an upstairs bathroom and they've got a transparent window and everyone can just see in.

• 21:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, but if you're upstairs, who's seeing in there?

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Other people from other houses.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  But it's very, I mean, I know we see it in apartments, I get it, but how many of your windows are matching up with your neighbour's windows?

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Everyone nearly across the side. Quite a few. If you looked, if he looked out of a certain window, he'd be able to, mine by the way, are all opaque.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  But haven't you got like, you've got a whole fence the whole way around, like, nobody can see in, can they?

• 21:44Speaker 01

  You're so cheeky. By the way, can I say you've given away because of the fact you haven't got anyone near you, you're living on a state.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  I've got, I've got neighbours either side of me.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  You haven't got neighbours.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  I have.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  Four miles either side.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  Sometimes I see them when I go on a really long walk.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  My point being, when you go in someone's house and they have got like transparent glass, downstairs, downstairs is the worst. I've been in a downstairs, at someone's barbecue.

• 22:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  And they didn't even have a blind.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  That's bad. I would say that's bad. It's really bad. I wouldn't say it's, I wouldn't say it's low life.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  I would, I would say that, yeah, I would, that's, that should be your first port of call, is getting a blind or some curtains. Because if someone walks past, the indignifying thing of someone walking past and seeing you standing there having a wee.

• 22:30Speaker 00

  I think it needs a blind, it does need a blind. It does need a blind.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  You're a sit down wee at people's houses as well, aren't you?

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Have I told you that before?

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:37Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't want to piss on somebody's shit.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  But then people come around and go, oh, she's having a crap.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Well, they don't because I, I, I don't know about you, but I'm slightly quicker at taking a piss than I'm a crap.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  No, but if I walk past the window.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Oh, I see, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  I'd assume you're having a shit, yeah.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, probably.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  Where would you sit? Because I know you're an awkward going to the toilet guy. How would you be if you're sitting there, you're having a wee, someone walks past, knocks on the window and go, you alright mate, have a drink? How would you be?

• 23:05Speaker 00

  What are you fucking talking about?

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Well, you're sitting on the toilet.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  So is it a barbecue then?

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're going to someone's barbecue, a house party type thing, right? It's England, England are playing, right? It's an England game. Right? You're like, I'm just gonna pop for a wee.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  How well do I know these people?

• 23:19Speaker 01

  I don't know, it's, someone from, say someone from the off the curb office.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Okay, so I don't like them?

• 23:28Speaker 01

  You know, it's Rick from off the curb, he's having a big, big shindig, right? You arrive, Rick's like, hey Rob, how you doing? If you need the bathroom, it's in there, just round flora, don't use the upstairs ones mate, show some respect.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Lisa, kids, come through. Ah, you look lovely Lisa, you alright? So, right, that's all done, right?

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, completely needless for this example.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  I don't think there's anybody going, I mean, and this needs more context.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  So the football's on, right? Rick's like, oh, there's people arriving all day mate, don't worry, come and go as you please, you know, if you get bored, well, I'll go home, go home.

• 24:14Speaker 00

  What's wrong with you?

• 24:16Speaker 01

  I don't know why, it's funny, it's so funny. So, everyone's in the garden, barbecue's going, he's got a big screen in his garden. I've never been to Rick's house, but this is what.

• 24:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  Right? Loads of different people are there that you know, you need to go to the toilet, right? Do you ask permission or just sneak off?

• 24:32Speaker 00

  If he's showing me where the toilet is, I'll probably just sneak off.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  Okay, so you go, you go to the toilet.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah. Or if you're in the middle of a chat, you just go, I'm gonna piss for a.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, enjoy it. Have a good one mate.

• 24:43Speaker 00

  Who are you now?

• 24:46Speaker 01

  Rick.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  That's Rick.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  Rick's dancing.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Have a good one mate, enjoy it.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  Thanks man.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Don't do anything, I wouldn't. So, yeah, you go to the toilet, someone walks down the side of the house where the toilet is, you're waiting and they're looking, they're going, oh Rob, I didn't know you were here.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Do you, can you still go to the toilet or are you alerted that you have to stop?

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Well, I'm sat there now, so I've been caught, haven't I?

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  So I'd probably just go, yeah, I would have another drink.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  But you wouldn't, would you be embarrassed?

• 25:19Speaker 00

  I'd probably come out, I would be embarrassed, yeah, then I'd come out and I'd go, I would acknowledge it, I'd go, it's a bit awkward.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  You've seen me on the, like, by the way, I was only a sit down wee.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  I thought, yeah, I told him for any of this shit.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. And by the way, Rick, Tom thinks you're a fucking low life.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  I was, by the way, I'm gutted I've not even been invited.

• 25:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  But I'm being.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Well, there's a certain tier of curb actually that you invite.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  You're there, McIntyre, Dommett, all the big names.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  Don't ever greet me with those names again.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so funny the thought of Rick just dancing.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Nobody knows Rick, so I don't know how funny anyone else will find this.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, Rick's quite cool by the way.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  He's very cool.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, very cool guy.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. By the way, I will say this with Rick, because I don't, Rick, but I think one of the first things Rick would do if he bought a house is put a blind or curtains on the downstairs.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  That is why, that definitely is like, he's got very strict morals about that sort of stuff.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I was using him as an example, but that bears no.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  That's not fair, it bears no.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  That's one of the, probably the most offensive things I've ever said in this podcast, I hope that Rick doesn't, or just use him as.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Well, there's stuff that we didn't put in the edit.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  Isn't there?

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, anyhow.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  What about when you kept on demanding to know why I thought I had a right to support England?

• 26:38Speaker 00

  That was fairly offensive, wasn't it?

• 26:40Speaker 01

  It was, it was.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Here's a question for you.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Go on, mate.

• 26:46Speaker 00

  Has Catherine seen you poo?

• 26:48Speaker 01

  No.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Has Catherine seen you wee?

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:52Speaker 00

  Have you seen Catherine poo?

• 26:53Speaker 01

  No.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Have you seen Catherine wee?

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, but like, I've walked past the toilet when she's wee.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  You've heard each other fart, I see him.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  If you go to a hotel, there's a reason for all these questions, not just from my own personal memory bank, but if you go to a hotel.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Occasionally, the bathroom kind of unit in a hotel room provides no privacy because they're seeing the two people.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Can I say, that's a fucking, you know, if you're talking about the, you know, have you been to the hotels where they've got a glass window?

• 27:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Looking into the bathroom.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  They're insane.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I mean.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Fucking idiots that thought that was a good idea.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  I know, I know.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Like as an architect, pervert.

• 27:32Speaker 00

  Architects.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Well, no, that architect is a pervert.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, that architect's a pervert. I don't think it makes you perverted to draw the blueprint for it.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, but if you're going, oh, by the, oh, sorry mate, we're doing a wall up here.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  Pervert enabler, I'd accept. Pervert facilitator. But you're gonna be staying together, aren't you?

• 27:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're staying together, but no one needs to look in and see someone having a crap.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  I agree, that's what I'm saying, that's the whole point I'm raising.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  By the way, I think, yeah, if it is a very limited, if you're in very close proximity, which we, I've been in that situation. I think one of you has, yeah, I'll often go, right, I'm just gonna go for a stroll and I'll use the toilet downstairs in the lobby.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  That's what I do. You have to. In that situation, you have to.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then I think you then both sort of, there's almost a code, this is the moment we're both gonna take a dump.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Occasionally, they've got the ones where if you stay at quite a fancy place, I don't know how fancy this is, but where there's a switch to thrust the glass.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, but sometimes you've got to find that switch.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  But what I don't want to see is, what I don't want Lisa to see is a silhouette of me shitting.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen Lisa drop a juice?

• 28:38Speaker 00

  No, drop a deuce to do so?

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  That's my fucking wife you're talking about.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  No, no, you asked me about mine.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I sit, I sit in quite a great, she's doing a drop a deuce.

• 28:52Speaker 00

  Have you ever seen Catherine curl out a steamy fat one?

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Has she ever caught you though, in the end?

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Caught me?

• 29:07Speaker 01

  No, like, you're, you've got the door open.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  No, no, no, because I lock the door.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  What, even when you're home on your own?

• 29:12Speaker 00

  If I'm taking a poop, the door locks.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  It has to be.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Are you still phobic about doing it elsewhere, outside the house?

• 29:20Speaker 00

  No, I, I've started to try and get to grips with that a little bit and I'm better at it than I was.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  I've come worse at it since I've known you.

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Really?

• 29:26Speaker 01

  I've come more, yeah.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Well, we're probably approaching the same level, but it has to be, I have to really be under the cosh.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:32Speaker 00

  Like, for example, for me to take a shit here.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  No one else can be around. Probably Ben, John. John, John, John feels like he can keep a secret.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  Well, I don't want to say this on the podcast, occasionally he's asked if I want to and if he could watch if that was the case.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  Or just listen in.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, but he asks it in a polite way, he didn't say.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  I find train toilets the ones that really throw me.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  And, and our services.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  If you've ever had to go to the toilet and the services is a low, it's awful, I thought.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  I was on the train.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Oh, on the train and you had a poo?

• 30:07Speaker 00

  Pardon?

• 30:07Speaker 01

  You had a poo on the train?

• 30:08Speaker 00

  No, but I was, I was on the train not that long ago and the guy that was, somebody was using the toilet but had forgot to press the lock thing on the door.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  And so I pressed the button and the door just revealed a complete stranger fucking in the middle of his business.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Oh my god. He probably was like, oh fucking hell, it's Ramesh.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  Anyway, I took a selfie and then shut the door for him.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Could you shut the door from outside or did you have to do the thing where you put your hand?

• 30:34Speaker 00

  No, he looked absolutely horrified.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  Of course, but then there's not, the button to shut the door is in the inside weirdly.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  I don't, I think he shut it.

• 30:45Speaker 00

  I'm pretty sure he shut it.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  That's, that's a, because you've also got a whole carriage.

• 30:49Speaker 00

  You don't want to just go, let me shut it for you, and then suddenly you're in there with him.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  No, you've got to just, and we get out of here mate, because the whole carriage can see him.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  That's a real, there's no coming back from that.

• 30:58Speaker 00

  No.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  It's, were people, did that awful thing that people go.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would finish, wash my hands, open the toilet door, jump straight out the window.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Wash your hands, if that was your intent, you'd wash your hands and wipe your bum, what's the point?

• 31:16Speaker 00

  Well, because, because if you die in the, in the incident, I don't want the police to find me with a shitty ass.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you, you're gone anyway.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  I don't want them to go, yeah, we found a body, 48, male, has not wiped his ass.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  Would you have a PhD or something?

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then Lisa's getting caught, Lisa's getting caught, they pulled a blanket, it fucking stinks.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, he does smell. We think he might have taken a shit and not wiped his arse before he went.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Like a weird dirty protest.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a real, that's a bad one.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  That's a bad one. I've done it before, like, yeah, sort of walked in and, you know, like, so many men's toilets, especially around football tournaments, locks just get kicked in and then you open the door and someone's just sat there.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  I always found that's a bad one.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  What do you think it would take for you to take a shit at West Ham?

• 32:07Speaker 01

  I'd sooner just.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  I would actually, I'm not just saying this, I would rather, and this sounds like an exaggeration, I would rather shit my pants.

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Than take a dump at Arsenal.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  The theatre's the one that really, when I went to watch your show.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  I was actually dying for shit when I went to watch your theatre thing and I was like, I can't go. By the way, all toilets in theatres are terrible.

• 32:28Speaker 00

  Correct.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  I think they're so bad.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 32:31Speaker 01

  They're just, and there's not enough of them.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  I think there's a reason for that. Well, first of all, a lot of the old theatres.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Everyone was smaller back in the olden days.

• 32:39Speaker 00

  Exactly. So that's part of the issue there. Secondly, I think if I was designing a place like that, or if I was, I, you'd want the toilets to be unpleasant, to discourage people. So if somebody's fifty fifty whether they wanna go or not, you want them to go into the toilet and go, I'm not taking a shit.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  That's the idea, really.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the fact is, as bad as that, there's also so little of them. Like, when you go in there, there's like three urinals on one cubicle. And there's like, how many people sat in the theatre that you were playing?

• 33:08Speaker 00

  Six, fifty something.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Six hundred and fifty people. So the queue for the men's toilets is insane.

• 33:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I get it.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  And you're fine because you've got your dressing room, your luxury toilet and all that.

• 33:17Speaker 00

  Shared toilet?

• 33:19Speaker 01

  You had a shared toilet?

• 33:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  What, with the other guys?

• 33:22Speaker 00

  No, I was sharing with strangers in the street.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, the other people in the cast.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  How many toilets?

• 33:27Speaker 00

  There's one on each floor.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  Wow, fuck. I'd love to have come backstage with you and just had little knows of that. What, did you have any pictures and stuff in your dressing room? Oh, I like that. Classy.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  I didn't have pictures, I had snacks and stuff.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  I did a film once with a guy who, in his trailer, he just, he, he put up all the things that he thought his character would have. He transformed his trailer. It was insane. It was like quite cool, but it was fucking mad, like posters and sort of weird porn and stuff.

• 33:56Speaker 00

  Um, because they haven't got into character?

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's what he thought his character would be like.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  What do you think about that?

• 34:02Speaker 01

  It was a weird thing that Paddington did.

• 34:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. What do you, what do you think about people that do that? How much do you think that helps?

• 34:09Speaker 01

  I don't know how much it helps. I think there's a little bit of it that is.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Because Brian Cox famously thinks it's bollocks.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  I'm sort of with him on it.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  I think, look, I think there's a, there's a fine line between it, but I'm like,

• 34:21Speaker 01

  how much of this, like, having your trailer decked out exactly how your character would be, is like gonna help the fact that your, your performance, and by the way, he had the similar sized part in his film than I did. We weren't big, big characters in this movie. We were like both, sort of peripheral characters.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  So, and like, but even, like, there was a tennis table, uh, competition we had, table tennis. And, uh, he, he wouldn't play because he didn't think his character played. So things like that, he was just very, very, I've never met anyone like who played, like, he, yeah, he was so into his character and what his character was. And, and the porn was quite full on.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Okay, so I thought you were joking. So he had porn?

• 35:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, porn on the wall. Like, yeah, no, no, no, serious. Like, and then, yeah, I was like, and if I'm gonna be quiet, I was like, there's nothing in your character, from what I've read, that would suggest that he'd be into this kind of pornography. This just feels kind of like, uh, and there was quite a famous actress who was on set.

• 35:24Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Who would rip into him. But she was like, what the fuck is he, what's he doing? I don't understand why he's got all these fucking weird pictures up.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  And, uh, yeah, it was a bizarre, bizarre thing.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. Uh, will you find it weird if you work with him again?

• 35:39Speaker 01

  I've worked with him twice.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  And does his character always happen to be into niche porn?

• 35:45Speaker 00

  When he, when he's working on the backstory?

• 35:47Speaker 01

  The second film, I don't think, I don't think I saw his trailer. It wouldn't, I, it wouldn't have shocked me if he'd been, he, but again, in the second film, which is actually now, I've never really thought, the second film, he was really into character as well. And that was even more bizarre because it was a far less, uh, it didn't fill the place for it necessarily.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  Right, right, right, right.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. He, he was a, he was a, yeah, quite an intense chap.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Hmm. So are you two a bit of a double act now then, would you say?

• 36:15Speaker 01

  I'll tell you something for now, right? The thirstiness, I, I wanna be everyone's friend. I like to get on with people.

• 36:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  I'm also very fucking, I have a certain acumen for when someone, I'm like, oh, this person fucking hates me.

• 36:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  And the very idea of being in my orbit makes you wanna be physically sick.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Uh, I would go as far to say as we couldn't be more opposite. He hate, like, to the point where if I walked on the, yeah, like, the dining bus, I could see him going, nah, yeah, he was just not a fan. On both projects, he was, and he didn't really hide it.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  But, yeah, that's all. And in both times, I, I, I'd weirdly,

• 36:58Speaker 01

  weirdly, the first time I thought, oh, he's a character actor and he's really into his part at the moment, maybe his character doesn't like my character. And the second time around, I went, oh no, he just thinks I'm.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  This is, yeah, this is very much a Tom thing.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm sorry to, I can't imagine anyone disliking you.

• 37:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, happen. By the way, yeah, I'm not fucking, I'm like, you're open enough to go. Yeah, that's, that's just how it is.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  I just don't understand anyone. I'm, I'm not, genuinely, I just don't understand how anyone could not like you.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, I.

• 37:30Speaker 00

  I'd not find you annoying at times, yeah?

• 37:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, but there's an ilk.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  Wish you'd shut the fuck up on occasion, sure.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  There's an ilk of person that, that I'm like catnip to. Is it catnip, is it catnip the thing they hate?

• 37:42Speaker 00

  Catnip's the opposite.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  You're catnip to me.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  There's an ilk of person who, who, yeah, who are disgusted by me and my, yeah. And he, he, yeah. You know, like, you ever been in a situation when you're as an adult, where you're like, it's not like being bullied, but you're like, oh my God, like, these, these people just really, like, and I got stuck with them at the premiere and they were like, you three are together for a photo. And they were both, oh, nah, and I've never just felt so unc, and, and me being me, I'm just then trying to have a conversation.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  And then you're trying to counteract it.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, and just think, oh, maybe if I do this, they'll like me.

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Maybe if I do this, they'll like me is, is one of the sad circumstances.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  I had the thing that you were talking about to bring it back as a callback. I wish I'd gone, like, I'll get it, you know what I mean?

• 38:28Speaker 00

  But even, but you don't even have to say, like, like, that, that, I mean, that's another thing that we could all be better at, I think, a little bit. Most of us is, is accepting if somebody doesn't like you.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  I'm fine with it. But my thing is, my, my thing, my point is, is like, I actually don't like really either of you two, but the difference is, I'm trying to be nice and cordial still, rather than actually what my, what my intention should be and what I wanna do in this situation is do what you're doing.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  I don't really, you've both been unclear and pretty, uh, pretty clear and pretty, uh, you know, showed your feelings. You've not hidden away from the fact that you're not, you know, so, and I, but then I, through the whole of it, have just been like, oh, you know, well, you know what, I'll just try and be nice because, and actually by the end of it, I thought, oh, I should just be, I should just fucking kind of, without saying, I think you're a pair of pricks.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  Be just fucking the same. But I found myself still trying to be friendly and cracking jokes. Uh, yeah.

• 39:28Speaker 00

  Sorry to say that, bro.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  That's fucking life, isn't it?

• 39:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, fuck that guy.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Have you, have you had that situation?

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Where somebody doesn't like me?

• 39:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. What, what's the closest you've had to something like that?

• 39:41Speaker 00

  No, I've had it loads of times. Uh.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  Traitors, anything like that?

• 39:47Speaker 00

  What are you doing?

• 39:48Speaker 01

  I'm just always trying to sniff them out, traitors. I just wanna get little juicy bits. I feel like we've got, by the way, can I say, other people are really fucking monetizing and getting on the top of the traitors thing already.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 39:59Speaker 01

  What other fucking people have been in your series of traitors already, like, you know, not, they're, they're carefully not dropping any information.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  I, I keep saying to people, Romesh has probably told yourself about traitors. I'm like, let me tell you something about Romesh Ranganathan. Hilarious guy, law friend. You're gonna do a bank job or you're gonna do a secret fucking operation. Go Romesh Ranganathan. He signs an NDA. I've never known anyone like it. He takes it for fucking, would you say? Yeah, a hundred percent. The, the ink is like sacred to him.

• 40:28Speaker 00

  No, it's not.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  As soon as your NDA is done, it's like, you have my word, I won't say a thing. And I respect that about you.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  That's not just the NDA. I don't thi, you don't want to know.

• 40:38Speaker 01

  I don't wanna know, but I don't.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Even, even when people think they wanna know, they don't wanna know.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  I love watching that show.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  And can I say, when your best friend's in it, absolutely delicious, mark me down for a place for two.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, but, and also, not only Ross Kemp, I was there too. Do, do you know, do you know, um, like, so on the first, I think I can say this, on, like, early on in filming.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  We, we got Paps doing one of the missions, right? And then they, I, I think they, so when we were filming, they got like, I don't think I'm, anyway, I can say this. They got a bit, understandably, production were a bit like, fuck, do you know what I mean? Like, we don't want this all getting leaked out. What I don't understand is, right,

• 41:20Speaker 00

  why, I, I don't understand the logic in doing it, right?

• 41:23Speaker 01

  What, popping it?

• 41:24Speaker 00

  Well, what I mean is, pop it and then release, if you wanna release the photos, release them later on, right? But the, the thing about traitors is, it's not, it's not the wor, it's, it's like, the, the enjoyment is watching the show, right? And the enjoyment is part of the surprise and all of that.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  But you're dealing with gossip and there's something.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, why are you ruining that?

• 41:43Speaker 01

  Because in the modern society, everyone wants that power. And power is having a bit of gossip. Every time you walk into a room or every time you go into new surroundings, having a little bit of a tale or something to say. So whoever had those pictures is power, right? So, so as soon as they're walking in, they've got a something to give to people. And to be fair, those pictures did nothing because it's the first day, everyone's in the picture. I mean, like you say, I probably, I mean, I'm not even in the fucking show. And I can tell you now, so many people have stopped me in the street or chatted to me on trains or whatever and gone, has one got on the traitors or did Beckett say anything about, you know, people are obsessed with it. And I'm like, I don't know anything, but also, I don't, I don't wanna know. I like, it was, it's one of the best shows in the world.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  And if you took out the excitement of series one, Alan Carr winning, and you knew Alan Carr was gonna win, you knew that Joe Marlowe and, and Nick Muhammad were gonna have that, all that, you, it was, it's dead and gone.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  The, the surprise, and without the surprise and, and the fucking twists of that show, it's not really a very good show. That's what makes it an exceptional show.

• 42:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  So if you wanna ruin it, my point was, like, I'm just, I just want, I want a little bit of the tea. I just want a little taste. Or was there anyone in there who sort of like gave the old Ranganathan the sort of bare back?

• 43:00Speaker 00

  I I can't I can't even guess at what you mean by that.

• 43:04Speaker 01

  They didn't want to give you the old hedgehog's prick.

• 43:07Speaker 00

  No, but what what I would say is you've got twenty one people in that in the castle. So I think you get on with certain people but more than others, not that you don't like, but but what you're saying is right. I am the wrong, I I'm not just saying this based on traitors, I'm the wrong flavour for a certain type of people. Do you know what I mean? And like, for me, I sort of think to myself, I love you, I love you.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:35Speaker 00

  And the idea that somebody wouldn't wouldn't like you, it feels really weird to me. But the truth is, is there's so many different, you know, there's certain types of personality that just rub people up the wrong way. Do you know what I mean? And so sometimes you have to accept that however you are is not someone's. And but but the thing is, is like, we we grow up wanting such validation.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  That somebody not liking you, your instinct is, I want to make you like me, but it shouldn't be. It's just, we ain't supposed to be friends. Like, you you you, you know, you don't like me and that's fine. What you don't want to do then is that that's why I said when you went, what could I do, what do I have to do to make you like me? It's so far from, and I know you were saying it as a joke, it's so far from how you should be thinking.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  Do you know what I mean? It's like, because as soon as you start, and I'm not talking about basic politeness and consideration. I'm talking about your personality. If your personality is not right for somebody, that's on them. Do you do you know what I mean? And and I think like, we're all so guilty of going, what, how, I don't get, I don't get it. I I don't understand. I've been really nice to this person. They just don't, they just don't vibe with you and that's fine.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  Do you know what? And it used to feel like age is a good teacher of this and also happening before. Like, and you can beat the name up, but and I've talked to you about this. I don't know if I talked to you. When I met, I've met twice, right? And both situations, I've really, really tried to go, because it's, right? And both situations, I've gone, oh, you can't, you can't stand me. You don't know about what I'm about, like, you, yeah, and that's fine. I don't bear it because why would he be?

• 45:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  If there's two polar opposites of people, it's probably me and him.

• 45:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  Right? For me, I grew up watching him. I'm like, I can't wait. He's a legend, right? I'm like, what an incredible, but he's just not having me.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  And and there was a time in my life that I'd have thought, oh, fucking hell, why? And and it would have kept me up at night. Now I'm like, of course, why would he? Do you know what I mean? And also, fair enough to him. When I'm his age, and someone comes in, you go, oh, fucking hell, this. What what helmet this geezer is? Why are you making fun? He's, you know, why are you going to make the time for it? Do you know what I mean? And so I I get it and I don't sit here feeling sorry for him. And I could be quite a big, not a big character, I get, I I know, I know my own, you know, the, what my, what what would be an irritant to some people and what would be annoying to some people. And likewise, when people say to me about you, they're like, if people find find me, they go, oh, yeah, I thought he was quite serious. He really, I said, well, one of the least serious people I know.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  He, but also it's like, he might have just been having like, he might have been having off day or quite a lot of the time. He he's taking, he is a really good listener and he's actually taking in what you're saying.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  And you might be just misappropriating, misappropriating. His body language, but he's like, I've known the guy for like fucking for for what fifteen years? Sometimes I'm talking to him and I go, I think he's fine.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  And I know he loves me, but it's like, he's just taking it in. That's why I think you've done very well in traitors, by the way.

• 46:38Speaker 00

  You've got no idea.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  I've got no idea. And this is what I love about it. I'd be speculating with anyone, but I I think if you knew the rules of poker and how to play poker, which I don't know if you do, you'd be fucking a nightmare at poker table.

• 46:49Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  This is the difference between you and poker, right? You get a good hand.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  You get a bad hand. I get a good hand.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  I get a bad, I get a bad hand.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  That's the difference.

• 47:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Right, Tomo, it's about that time, I G.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Thank you. Well, it's been a joy. Thank you for running along. It's been real fun.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  I've enjoyed, I've enjoyed this one.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  Me too, yeah.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  It's been like a delve in. It's like being a sort of like.

• 47:20Speaker 00

  Deep dive.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, a deep dive into spirit and yeah, I could actually, this one could have gone for another hour.

• 47:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, but let's not, let's wrap it up.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. I actually got a real impact. I just want to stroke your face for a little bit.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  You know, like when you see a nice cat or a nice dog, you know, I want to give that dog or cat a stroke.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  That's how I feel about you right now.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Okay, well, why don't we wrap this up and we can see about arranging that.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  You can stroke my face now if you want.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Go on, bring it. That's nice. Soft beard. What, are you using your beard or?

• 47:49Speaker 00

  It is actually.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 47:51Speaker 00

  Uh, Tom Ford tobacco vanilla.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. I love a Tom Ford beard. Well, anyhow, opportunity knocks every now and again. But does it knock? Or does it silently come into the room like a ghost or a shadow? See, seldom you realise the times the opportunity is in a room. Sometimes it can just be in the form of another person eyeballing over. Or maybe in the form of some food you've never tried.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Go back to last week's. Opportunity can sometimes come at you in very different ways.

• 48:29Speaker 01

  And what are you supposed to do? Have a big net so you can catch the opportunity where it arises? Like a fisherman on the banks of a wily river or a sea fisherman on the banks of a wily sea.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  Or a horse rider looking for a horse and jumping on the back of it. See, those are physical things, but opportunity seldom is. It's more spiritual. So what do you do? Do you let opportunity pass? Well, sometimes you have to, friend. Sometimes you've got to let it go because the opportunity wasn't for you. There's someone else in the room who had a quicker net, a lasso saddle ready to put on the back of that broad horse. Sometimes it's up to you, though, when you see an opportunity to go, hey, Pete, hey, Sue. Notice you've got a bit of opportunity there. Mind if I jump in and share it? See, some opportunities aren't just for one person, they're for everyone. And that's the thing about life.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  We learn a lot jumping in alone, but we learn a heck of a lot more jumping in together.

• 49:38Speaker 00

  Fucking hell, you managed to pull something quite profound out of a real sack of shit there.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  Yep. Yeah, that last bit I'm actually really proud of. I think that might be my best ending for a while.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  I think it is. I've got no idea how much sea fishing happens on the banks.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Uh, we should probably look that up at some point. Uh, thank you so much for listening and watching the Wolf and I podcast. Please could you like and subscribe for your benefit, not ours, or it does help us out. It's a mutually beneficial situation. Um, and.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  If not, Johnny's coming for you. The coyote roars.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  Okay, bye.