Body Image, Infestations & Fantasy Football

What's the best way to get rid of fat? In this episode of Wolf & Owl, the boys are dealing with some of life’s less glamorous problems, as one family battles a full-blown outbreak of nits, and another discovers an absolutely horrific maggot infestation in the bin. Tom and Rom also get into the complicated world of body image, weight loss, and visceral fat, discussing everything from liposuction and CoolSculpting, to the realities of trying to change your body or accept it as is. Plus, Tom has a serious beef with wasps that needs exploring, the boys realise they’ve forgotten to set up the annual Wolf & Owl Fantasy Premier League, and they discuss their hopes for GTA 6. Another week, another collection of deeply unpleasant household problems from Wolf & Owl. A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Chapters 00:00 Intro 00:59 A nits outbreak 03:30 Cooties 05:30 How to combat fat 14:00 Body image 22:31 A maggot mess 25:08 Tom’s insect beef 33:45 A side note on heart disease 34:34 On Richard Osman 36:20 Fantasy Premier League 43:35 Tom’s Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Wolf and I podcast. With me, Ramesh Wang and Ethan.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  And me, lazy dick.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Um, do you ever? What are you doing?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Just texting Catherine.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  What are you saying?

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Ramesh is really funny today.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  You're not saying that.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Ramesh looks hot today and sent that, I just sent that picture of you.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  You've sent that picture to Catherine?

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Um, I'm going through a phase of thinking I look terrible at the moment. You know, I'm not bothered about it, but it's not, you know, I haven't got it. I haven't got it at the moment.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know that feeling.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Sad, isn't it?

• 0:29Speaker 01

  I don't think I've ever had, not had that feeling.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  Hmm. Welcome to the Wolf and I poddy pod podcast.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  Uh, how are you, Tom?

• 0:52Speaker 01

  Good, yourself?

• 0:53Speaker 00

  Really good.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Good. I say good.

• 0:55Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Um, we've had a, we've had a nits outbreak in the Davis household.

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Okay, I would say that you're pretty clear.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. I'm okay.

• 1:08Speaker 00

  Catherine and little G?

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, obviously as a bald person, nits is something that I can just walk around life.

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Hmm. That's like an arid desert.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Apparently you can get in your beard.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can imagine so. Nits in your beard is, that's funny.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  I've, I've, yeah, I've checked, they're not there.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Um, but, uh, yeah, it, the process of getting them out, have the boys had nits?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  It's a mission.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Not for a long time, but yes.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, what did you do?

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Well, firstly, you've got to comb it.

• 1:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  To see that if they've got it. Then you put the nits mousse on.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Which stinks.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  Nit mousse, yeah.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then you co-, uh, you leave that on for fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, and then you comb it, see if the nits are all out, and then you've got to shampoo, wash the hair.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  We found this out late last night, just at bedtime.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, what you, you, I, you like discovered that she had nits?

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I was like, she's itching her hair, and we were like, do you think it's nits? And I thought, well, she's been in the pool a lot, maybe it's just chlorine.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  And then, uh, yeah, did the test, had to get, uh.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  What's the test?

• 2:11Speaker 01

  Well, just to comb, you've done the comb, see if any nits.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  You could try and find some.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then we were mad, it was on the toilet paper and you could see them alive.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Horrible, isn't it?

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's grim. Uh, and then, yeah, it was all answered at the net station.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  But it was fucking, and then obviously poor Catherine then checks her head.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, she got them.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  She's got them, my sister.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Your sister's got them, your nephew?

• 2:33Speaker 01

  They came round, so, yeah.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Uh, poor little G. Yeah, I had to sit down and say, listen, you've got nits.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Did you say it like that?

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. I want to sort of like get her ready for some.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  That makes it sound really serious.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Listen, um, it's not easy having me telling you this.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  You're gonna cry.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  But you're gonna get through it, and we'll get through it as a family. Significantly worse for you and your mother and anyone else who's been in this house with hair. So now we have to, it's like, you know, people with like STIs, you've got to then contact everyone we've been around with.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then obviously as a side note.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  You've had to do the STI.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. I hope that didn't ruin your weekend.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  No, it's okay.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  But, yeah, I, I, I thought I'd better tell you, just in case you gave Lisa cooties.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Just, I shouldn't be updating this on the podcast, but a little bit of cream cleared it up.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  Herpes, little herpes, right, you had some herpes around the lips, didn't you? Like, that moustache covered it up. Um, have you ever had cooties or herpes?

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Have I ever had cooties or herpes?

• 3:34Speaker 01

  They're the same thing, mate, John.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  I don't think they are the same thing.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  What are the cooties?

• 3:38Speaker 00

  I'm pretty sure we've had this discussion before.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Have we?

• 3:41Speaker 00

  On an early episode, yeah. Um, I don't know what cooties are, what are cooties?

• 3:45Speaker 01

  Coot, mouth, I thought cooties are.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Isn't that what you call people from the Southeast Asia origin?

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Okay, so it's a sort of imaginary contagion that kids use.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  Fictional childhood disease that children use to playfully describe germs or avoid peers of the opposite sex.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  Playing fast and loose with the word playfully there. Kids' lives were destroyed. As a result of being told they had cooties.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Did you ever said that you had cooties as well?

• 4:09Speaker 00

  No, but there was one kid in particular who got it bad, and it was horrible. And, and I look back on that time and I think, I wish I'd stood up for that kid more than I did.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Did you ever say that he had cooties?

• 4:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  No, but, but what would happen is, is that you would get worried about hanging out with them too much.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:30Speaker 00

  Then you might get tired.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, you might, yeah. You'd catch cooties.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  I wasn't worried about catching cooties.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  No, but cooties being like this fatal disease.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  It's such a horrible, horrible thing.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Like, that whole concept of like, just suddenly deciding.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  That this kid is completely off limits.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  I was, I've been that kid.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you had an actual thing, didn't you? I'm, I'm talking about, I'm talking about when they're imagining.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  I didn't have an STI when I was fourteen.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  I don't think, I don't think when the kids are saying you've got cooties, they're saying it's an STI, mate.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  So, but her, mouth herpes are, I think, right? Because once you get mouth herpes, you can never come back from it.

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Well, you can come back from it, but.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  No, no, but.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  People have gone on to live quite normal lives with it.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you can, you, it's always in you.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  It's always in you.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Because if you do a job.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Same thing as fat cells.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  What?

• 5:19Speaker 00

  I believe.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Fat cells?

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Also, if you lose fat, oh yeah, it can always come back to fat.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Well, because the cell goes like that, doesn't it?

• 5:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  And then, but it's still there, and it could go like that again.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. Well, me and you both know that.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  I have got, uh, subcutaneous fat around my midsection, right?

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, you and me both.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  So, soft fat, that is.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's better though, by the way.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is better.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Because I've got the worst one.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Cosmetically, uh, unappealing.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  And it's more difficult to get rid of, but it's less health affecting.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Which is good. It's the visceral fat that's the real issue.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  What I've got a problem with.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  You've got a problem with that?

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I went to a doctor and he was like, my stomach was really hard.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  Rock hard.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Rock hard.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  So he's like, your visceral fat is well above what it should be. So you've got to do some serious work to lose visceral fat.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  We really are the UK Segura and Kreischer.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Is that what they're talking?

• 6:14Speaker 00

  I'm pretty sure that's what they're talking about, but.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Visceral fat is, yeah, it's, it's.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  Anyway, the point is, I then started to look into extreme ways to get rid of it.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  I don't want to have liposuction.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  No. Is that one of the things they do?

• 6:28Speaker 00

  To get rid of it, yeah.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  Liposu-, what is liposuction?

• 6:31Speaker 00

  It's where they stick like two, they stick pipes into you and then just sort of pump it out. And then you get given a jar of it to sort of use on toast and stuff like that. No, but they just.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Is that how liposuction, they pump it out?

• 6:41Speaker 00

  They just pump it around.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  And you get that long skin.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  Well, I think, uh, uh, depending on how they do it or how much they do, I don't know what happens in the skin. So anyway, that's what.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  That is, what other ways can you, what else can you do?

• 6:52Speaker 00

  So I was like, I'm not gonna have liposuction, mainly because.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Is this a conversation with you and the family?

• 6:57Speaker 00

  No, I've not gathered the family round for this.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  Okay, but you and Lisa?

• 7:00Speaker 00

  I've said it to Lisa, yeah. I've not, I'm not seriously consuming liposuction, but people we know have had it.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Really?

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Anyway.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  Mate, did it hurt?

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Don't know, not spoken in detail.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Evasive.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. But, uh, and you're six weeks out of commission.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Well, can't do anything for six weeks.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  I don't know if you can't do anything, but you're not, you, that's how long the recovery is.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  What's it, oh, man.

• 7:23Speaker 00

  Not that I've looked into it in detail.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  So what, what are your other options?

• 7:28Speaker 00

  There's this other thing called CoolSculpt.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  I've seen this before.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Where they, it's, it's like freezes it or something.

• 7:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  And then it kind of.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Falls out.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Like you shit a fatsicle. No, I don't know how it comes out, but.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  The cool, that sounds quite, well, yeah, yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  Well, I, I, I actually thought maybe we could go together.

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, I mean, that's great for you. I'll tell him, and I go, uh, yeah, Ron, we can do you, but this guy's got visceral fat.

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't know if it works.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  The fat is all around.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  That before and after. Is that from CoolSculpt?

• 7:59Speaker 01

  CoolSculpt, I've heard of it, it's incredible.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  I mean, I would say it's not as, I, I need something a bit more radical than that, I would say. Oh. It's horrible, isn't it, when you consider the before an aspirational target?

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, but visceral fat is really tough.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's really tough.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  So how do you get rid of that? No, but visceral fat, I'm pretty sure is easier to get rid of than subcutaneous.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Uh, subcutaneous fat lies right under the skin.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. So that's why you can have it sucked out?

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, lies right under the skin and accounts for about ninety percent of total body fat. Holy shit.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  So you could get, you look, you look like ripped if you got that bit out then.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Is it all round that one area?

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm feeling increasingly less comfortable talking about this, actually. Yeah.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  No, but.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  I've got a midriff issue.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  Is it around your titties or in, and like, and your stomach?

• 8:57Speaker 00

  You're not being, I don't know how sensitive you think you're being in your line of questioning, but sort of giggling, is it around your titties?

• 9:04Speaker 01

  No, but you know.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  That's actually quite, you're sort of, I would say you're flirting with, you're flirting with bullying, if you don't mind me saying.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  I have it around mine, that's, yeah. I find making light of these situations, having a joke about it.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Okay, make light of it about yourself.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  Don't fucking say.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  I would say, can I just say?

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Is it around your titties?

• 9:22Speaker 00

  I didn't think to myself, oh, God, Tom's being really self-deprecating.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Right, can I say, is it around, I have it around mine. That's a, that's.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Okay, so open with that.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Okay, I find theirs, that's very stubborn there.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Right.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  To get rid of, okay?

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Stubborn.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Stubborn titties. I can see why you're giggling now, it's making me want to giggle.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Um, but what I'm saying is.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  My titties aren't so bad.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  It's just my belly and my kind of, I've got love handles.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  And I don't like it.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, but why would you?

• 9:50Speaker 00

  But I don't, but I don't like the fact I don't like it. Does that make sense? Like, I, I, I think I'm a victim of societal pressure. You know?

• 9:59Speaker 01

  But I look at, so the, I actually never had a problem, like visceral, I look, the visceral fat when I spoke to the doctor about it was, he's generally like, this is really dangerous.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  That sounds horrible.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  That sounds awful.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  It was like Grace with the nits.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  He went.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  Well, I think visceral fat's slightly more dangerous than nits.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Depends how big the nits get.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  But he was like, it's really, really dangerous.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  Right.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  And your visceral fat is very high.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  So you really now had to focus on that being the thing that you lose. So calorie deficit, exercise.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  And so if I'm honest with you, there's nothing about, like, I pause at the moment, apart from my titties, this is my point. My case in point is, I don't mind, having a stomach's fine. When I was, you know that thing where, we were talking about in the last episode, where you're on holiday, someone takes, you take pictures when you're coming out, you know, in the pool or whatever with mates, you're in the sea.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  And quite a lot of them, all I can focus on is the fact, I'm like, I've got a fucking, you know, a little pair of boots, yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. But you don't have that.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Well, I'm, you know, I've got, it doesn't make me self-conscious, it's my gut and my sort of. Basically, I did a gig last night, I did four gigs last night, actually.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Okay, so swaggy the way you said that.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  And people tag, you know, people tag in photos, I looked horrendous and everything, to my mind, I looked horrendous.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  I bet you didn't, though.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  I felt like I did. And so obviously, there's a psychological thing. But the other side of that is, do I tackle, you know, there's two options here. Either I just get over it and start like working on getting rid of it gradually, if I really feel badly about it. Or I take an extreme measure and like pump it out of me, right, and sell it on eBay. But, but the, the, the thing is.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  You trying to make jokes to make you relax about it.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Oh, I feel horrible talking about it.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  But, but the thing is.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  I mean, I had nothing coming into today's episode.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  If you, if you, if you take it.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  And Grace will be listening to you going, oh, yeah, maybe about him.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  But if you take, I don't want to take an, basically, I'm not going to get liposuction, but what I mean is, I'm not going, I don't want to take an extreme thing because I'm a victim of societal conditioning, you know.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  A cool sculpting.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Could be fun.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Could be fun.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, that could be a fun thing to do.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  Based on those before and after photos, I think that's like the final, that's the final bit.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Here we go.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  I need some major, you know what I mean?

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Would you, if someone contacted you now and said like, you know, hi Rom, heard the war finale the other day.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Obviously, this, you know, you're worried and we get a lot of people who come into the clinic who are worried about this. We can offer you a free call sculpting.

• 12:45Speaker 00

  Who do you sound like?

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Um, and if you want, you know, we, all we'd require is some before and after pictures.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Really?

• 12:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  Because it's quite expensive.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've got it.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Right, I can't help but thinking you're taking the mick out of me.

• 13:01Speaker 00

  No, this is how I, this is my non broadcast voice, but the point I'm trying to make is, I'd rather just pay the money than bloody.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  But can I just say, a lot of people will get a kick.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, I'm not in this game to give people kicks.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  But that's your job, you're an entertainer, right?

• 13:19Speaker 00

  But it's not, I'm not trying to entertain people by going, look at my flabby midsection.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, but what you would be doing is going, look at my old flabby midsection and look at my new.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Flabby midsection, yeah.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I should say, by the way, I don't know if you've seen the work we do, it's usually with people who are in a little bit better shape.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Right. So what I would say in response to, in response to that, rather, is, first of all, you're a [BLEEP]. And the man playing you is also a [BLEEP].

• 13:59Speaker 03

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• 14:23Speaker 04

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• 14:25Speaker 05

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• 14:43Speaker 00

  Anyway, I don't know, I, I, I just think it's, it's so, and I'm conscious of the fact that the animal pack have heard us talk about this for a long, long time.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  We, to be fair, we haven't actually, we haven't talked about this for a long time.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  But, but it's not, I am not down about it. It's not like, I'm not getting depressed about it. It's just a thing that for as long as I can remember has slightly irritated me. And then you go, so you'll have, I'll have moments ruined by my body image, right? So, so.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Tour de France?

• 15:14Speaker 00

  So, yeah, Tour de France was horrific. So then, then the other thing was, when I did a tour of, when I did my tour of America, they sent a photographer to do photos of the show. It's my first like tour of, of the States. And the guy comes and he takes a photo and he goes, and as a present, it was so lovely, he brought like a little printer with him. And he took the, like, one of the photos and he presented me with the little, it was such a lovely thing, presented me with a little framed photo of my first night in America. And I hated that picture. And it wasn't because of what he'd done, I just thought, fucking hell, you look hideous. And I've had to pretend to be really happy about it because I didn't want to upset him.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 00

  And it was a, it took, it took a really good photo, but I was just like, oh my God, that's what I look like on, you know, that's what's going through my head. And so you have this like psychological thing, just annoying, do you know what I mean? But I'm fully aware of the fact that I need to check my privilege, I'm happy with, I'm fully, you know, able to do so many things with my body and all that, I've not got anything, there's no, I've got no health issues. So in that way, that's more than a lot of people can say, you know, I'm very lucky in that regard. So there's part of me that feels a bit like I'm being a prick by going, I want, but then, I think whatever level you're at, whatever level, but you know what I mean? Wherever you're at with your body, I think most people are like, I wish this was different. Do you know what I mean? I think it's almost, almost everyone's like that. So there's part of me that goes, there's two paths I could take here.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  One is aggressively trying to sort that out, or I just go, do you know what? This is just how I am, I'm in my 40s now, fuck it.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Well, can I tell us, and this isn't being like, when you did the, when you did the marathons and stuff, was it, was it still stubbornly there?

• 16:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, because, but even like when I got, you know, I'm, I'm bigger than I, and I say bigger, I've, you know, I've been doing more weights and stuff and put on a bit of weight since I really dropped. But even then, when I was really, I would say too skinny, I still had a belly, do you know what I mean? So it's like, it's trying to, you know, it's sort of annoying.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Because that, that's the thing that, with it, I think, like, if I'm honest with you, I know we have talked about this a lot. I went to, when I went to the doctor's, I was genuinely like going to and going, I feel really positive about myself, I feel like I'm in good shape, I feel like I'm actually, like, I've lost a bit of timber, but I've, again, I dress it, I lost a lot more. And I didn't feel as, didn't feel right about myself, I was like, you know, I, I felt I was, I'd lost too much weight. So I'm sort of, I feel a happy medium. And it wasn't until I went to see him and he was like, saying about visceral fat. That's like, I was like, what the, I've lost, you know, you've got to think from what I was coming into like, you know, when I put videos, I put King Garry and you go, that was when, you know, probably even just going into that, probably my very heaviest.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  But, so I thought, oh yeah, I'm in relatively good neck and, and then he was like, no, no, this is, your problem is this thing. That's, that's, we really need to get that number down.

• 18:08Speaker 00

  Can you, first of all, stop smiling. I know you feel like you've made some progress, but this is some of the worst levels of visceral fat I've ever seen.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  Ever seen.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  So, I'm not saying that you have to, what I'm saying is you should be crying.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  You should be fucking worried.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  No.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Because I'm worried for you.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Shitting it.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:27Speaker 00

  And the idea that you would bound in here, proud of yourself.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  The high five was such a big, so, but yeah, I, I know, I completely, I think a lot of people would have this thing, where a lot of people worry about that. A lot of people, I think, for you anyway, I think if you, I think, there's pictures that I've seen, I've been in with you, or you've taken, and I've got, it's a great picture, you look amazing, and I can see your face going, no, I don't feel, so.

• 18:54Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, I don't know how quickly it can happen, but I'd love to do liposuction live in the app, do you know what I mean? I could be talking to you and it could be getting pumped out of me.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, that would be pretty sick.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  That could be.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  I'm pretty sure you have to be completely unconscious, though.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, but we, me and John could be sitting there. Me and John could be commentating at night.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  That's a good idea.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  He's got an erection, John.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  Don't need to take any fat out of that.

• 19:22Speaker 00

  With that girth. Maybe put some in there would be my advice.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  I wonder what they do with all the fat then?

• 19:29Speaker 00

  They must have to dispose of it in like some sort of.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, like a special fat.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Special fat.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Do you think it goes in the sea?

• 19:34Speaker 00

  Probably goes to like local kebabalons and.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  What happens to the fat?

• 19:41Speaker 02

  So either transfer it back into another part of the patient's body.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Penis.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Oh, hello.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Oh, you're bum.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Someone's gonna get some.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  You're bum.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  I could get some junk in my trunk.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  That could be fucking, that could work nice.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  Oh, my god.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Fucking big ass on you, boy.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Guys, can you imagine if I came in here with a flat stomach and a big old booty?

• 19:59Speaker 01

  That would be, you have to get all new jeans.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  What if it changed my personality though?

• 20:04Speaker 01

  You would be so arrogant.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you'd have an arrogant.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying, maybe like a little bit of, um, a little bit of low self-esteem and self-consciousness probably.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  I think you've got an arrogant so and so in you.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe I do.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  I think you get coming in with a six pack and a beautiful juicy big ass. Or you'll be bringing skinny jeans back.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Imagine if I start the wolf now, just like.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Your ass does look, it looks, it looks like it's gained some.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck off, my ass knocked the muff off. Jesus, that's how much, that's how I'm operating.

• 20:37Speaker 00

  I've got so much booty here, knocked the mic off, baby.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  Put in your quads?

• 20:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  What if you could give it to people who also need some stuff?

• 20:45Speaker 00

  Donate it, yeah, it's not a bad shout. I mean, that's the ultimate privilege, isn't it, having so much fat that you can hand it out to other people?

• 20:52Speaker 01

  You have it put in your lips? That's what I do quite a lot.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  You could have loads of, um, like sort of women who are having those, those lips done and people going, oh, we've got a lovely.

• 21:03Speaker 00

  If you wanna hear more of Tom's thoughts on that, please do watch his special, it's still available on Sky.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  If you are, after your lips being done, we have a lovely range at the moment, we've got the Romesh Regulation, Ranganathan.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Are you right?

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Regulation, and we've got the Romesh Ranganathan gut fat, uh, lips. Oh, that sounds nice.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Oh, my god, people walking around with my gut fat in their lips.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. That would be a cool thing.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  Do you think, so what do you, where, where are you at the moment with this? Like, what's Lisa think you should do?

• 21:35Speaker 00

  Um, Lisa says, you look great, you're imagining this, I wish you'd feel better about yourself, those, those are her words of advice.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Not like that, though.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  She starts laughing like that and she's often doing while she's like, um, sort of got her arms around another bloke.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Staring into her eyes.

• 21:59Speaker 00

  He thinks that a flatter stomach will make him attractive.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  And a big juicy ass.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think you're gonna kick out me now, which you go.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  Uh, no, Lisa's like, uh, uh, she's, her thing is that I wish she felt better, I wish she felt differently about it. But, um, and I wish I did too.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's hard though, isn't it? Cause you feel the way you feel.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  I know, but I think it's a result of like, you've got, there's some sort of perfect combination of things that have happened as you've grown up.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 00

  And things that you've seen have solidified this belief and then you can't.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  When I, on holiday, what I noticed is certain people who, there's a thing of people who've had good, even like if they've had a good body, played a lot of sports.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  Good body.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  And you see them in the pool, the confidence that they have, it's a confidence you either have or you don't.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Cause you can even see people have done double well, they've lost a bit of timber.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  They've really worked hard, they're looking good, they still have, they still carry themselves in a way.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, I'm nervous to tell this next thing that's happened to me in the last few days, it didn't really happen to me, I'm worried about judgment.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  But I've spoken to a few people since then and it's happened to quite a few people.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  So the other night, I, um, picked up Charlie.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Shout out Charlie, doing well in Oliver.

• 23:20Speaker 00

  Got the train back together, quite a late train, and Lisa was kind enough, she said to me, don't get a taxi. I'd, I wanna pick you up, alright, I don't know why, she likes picking, I, I always say to her, I'll get her to cab, I'll get a cab, she's like, she likes to be.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  You know what, that's, that's some you time then.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  I guess so.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  You get a little time, just the two of you, hey babe, how you doing today?

• 23:39Speaker 00

  We don't leave him at the station.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but he gets in the back and he's always fine.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, yeah, no, fine.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Oh, actually Charlie's a chatty kid, he's like, my mommy was amazing today.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay.

• 23:53Speaker 00

  Um, so Lisa picked us up.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  She was traumatised.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  Why?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  A trigger warning here, this is quite disgusting, she said to me, I've had the most horrendous last hour, said, what is it? She said, she said, I went to take the bins out.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  What?

• 24:08Speaker 00

  I opened the bin and there was this most chronic maggot infestation.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Oh god, where had you smelt in?

• 24:16Speaker 00

  She said it was absolutely.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  Rammed full of maggots.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  It's disgusting.

• 24:21Speaker 00

  She said, I freaked out. She basically slaughtered all of them.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Hot water?

• 24:27Speaker 00

  Hot water, yeah.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Good.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  She just put forty from the hot tap, if anything, it gave them a bath, no, she boiled a kettle, she killed them all.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 00

  Scrubbing out the bin, she said it was like that deep with maggots in the bottom of the thing.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  So she was, she was like, she said, my skin feels itchy, I feel horrible.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  Um, so, oh, oh, I mean, it's obviously how it happened, is the hot weather is exacerbated, I was speaking to a few people and it's just been happening to a few people.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  I don't, I didn't feel right for the next two days, I wouldn't even, I mean, I did see them afterwards, but I didn't.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Well, you saw their corpses.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  I saw a couple of, yeah.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  We went and looked at them.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Like a funeral.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Well, I didn't say a prayer for them.

• 25:08Speaker 01

  But you just went and, let me see, make sure they're dead, girl, show me them.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  Well, I was trying to empathise a little bit because, you know, I was just like, what, cause I said to Lisa, that's a horrible thing to go through, well done for dealing with it. And then I said, where did it happen? And then she showed me and I drew little chalk outlines.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Mate, uh, we had it in ours, the smell was unruly, opened the bin, then there's maggots in, inside the, the top lid and then, yeah, but did exactly the same as Lisa.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  Horrific.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I, I completely agree with what she's saying, the, the feeling.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Of like, just feel dirty afterwards. Why didn't even, cause they, there's flies lay, lay eggs, right?

• 25:47Speaker 00

  So basically, the hot.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  This, this, we talked about this and you stuck up for them, but fucking flies, and I'm saying now wasps, I got stung twice on holiday by wasps. Wasps, there's no rhyme and reason for them, I'm having bees, I've, I've talked about this until the cat's come home, alright? Bees, I like bees, wasps, I just don't see the point in them, and everyone around the pool agree with me, I was going around saying, just been stung, be careful, grab yourself a candle. Lemon cam, a candle.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Right, um, and then you said, don't you think wasps are a waste of time?

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Wasps are essential, natural pest controlers.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Do you know what some dork who loves wasps has written this?

• 26:26Speaker 00

  That protect plants and crops by hunting millions of insects like aphids, caterpillars and flies, flies. You were just about to go in two footed on them, weren't you?

• 26:35Speaker 01

  No, I can't stand flies and wasps, I'll tell you what, if, just, caterpillars by the way, why have the, caterpillars have never done a thing to anyone.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  They're, they're a gardener's nightmare.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  What, caterpillars?

• 26:45Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Cat, well, what about butterflies? That's what my argument would be, there's nothing more joyous than, everyone goes, oh, I've got a butterfly. Right, there's no butterflies without caterpillars.

• 26:55Speaker 00

  The world, uh, could technically survive without wasps, but ecosystems and agriculture would suffer severe near catastrophic damage. But Tom would be happy, we'd be, we'd be sitting in here after the world's in fucking turmoil and go, I still think, I still think it's worth it.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  I think it's a sad state of affairs that we're turning to wasps to help us out.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  We're not turning to wasps. We're not turning to wasps.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  There's no rhyme and, I actually, by the way, as well, someone went, did you, I heard someone saying, he, he didn't even do anything that was stung him, cause sometimes people flapping their arms around.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  You've heard somebody say that?

• 27:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  Why just making shit up?

• 27:29Speaker 01

  No, I swear.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck off, Tom. You did not hear that, oh, he's an innocent party in that, poor bastard. Seems like such a nice guy as well, and then I heard him saying, oh, he's got such great chat, hasn't he? It's not often that you, you meet somebody in holiday that you like to hang out with the whole time, but that definitely happened there.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  It's a good holiday.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Did you?

• 27:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, good holiday friends this year, um, good, good, yeah.

• 27:53Speaker 00

  Did you really, mate, could just?

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, good people.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Are you gonna keep in touch with them?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I have already, been texting Matt, Matt from holiday, he was there when I got stung and he, he genuinely, like, I was sat there, I was like, I'm not gonna even pay any mind, let the wasp do its thing. I'm sitting there, I eat my chicken strips, I'm like, just.

• 28:12Speaker 00

  So you managed to get chicken strips for yourself?

• 28:13Speaker 01

  In the hotel.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you couldn't get, you couldn't get them for, couldn't get them for little Jay.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Crispy chicken, yeah.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  She had to put up with fucking disassembling a rat.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  In the hotel, they, in the hotel. In the hotel, they were clearly marked and they had English in there.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Um, and this wasps just came out, it took a dislike into my aftershave or a dislike into me and it just bit, um, cause they don't.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Who's putting on aftershave at the pool, by the way?

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Mate, I put aftershave wherever I'm going.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  At the swimming pool?

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  At the swimming pool?

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  You put on aftershave?

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Mate, my ritual is, I get up, I have a shower, but spray a little bit of aftershave.

• 28:45Speaker 00

  But no, if you're spending the day by the pool, do you?

• 28:47Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  But, um, sometimes when you're out in those places, like, putting on aftershave in the evening.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  I know it's an instinctive thing to do, like when you get ready for dinner, but you're actually making yourself a mosquito's paradise, I mean. So sometimes I think, how much do I want to smell like this aftershave? I do get BO.

• 29:09Speaker 01

  I've never known you smell a BO.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  I've never known you to smell a BO.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  I have smelled, three or four times I've smelled a BO, when we did King Gary, I fucking honked one day.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  Did you? John stinks all the times, that's difficult to say.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  I smelt one day and I said to you, I think I smell a BO.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  And what did I say?

• 29:22Speaker 01

  And you, you were being really sweet and I'd rum and then I did that and I was wearing a fucking top from costume, like costume, and then you went, you know, you do smell. And you weren't, you said it in a really sweet, friendly way, I specifically remember, I.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  I don't remember that.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, I definitely, that definitely happened.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Anyway.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  I've smelt a couple of other times, one day I forgot to wear deodorant with you.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  We're out together, I I literally not put it on, got devastated the whole day. I've walked around like that, it comes for me quick.

• 29:53Speaker 00

  Really?

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  I am, so anyway, the point is, sometimes I really do, I think to myself, do I really wanna get bitten to shit? And then I put the aftershave on, because I'm addicted to wearing aftershave, and then I go out.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Well, that's part of your USP, you always smell nice.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  What's part of your USP, you always smell nice?

• 30:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  John always stinks, as we know.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Stinky John. Old maggot John.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Old smelly maggot John.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  But you do both smell very nice, I have to say that.

• 30:20Speaker 00

  That's very sweet of you to say, thank you.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Always.

• 30:22Speaker 00

  Thanks, mate.

• 30:23Speaker 01

  He's an honourable chap, old John.

• 30:24Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 30:25Speaker 01

  I'd like to go on holiday with John.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  You should.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  You'd be, I bet you'd be a fun holiday.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think you'd be a fun holiday.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  You'd be good for organising stuff as well.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm quite good.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Now we start to see the, the real reason.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  No, but I think.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  Tom starts leaning on John.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  I've got, you know, I've got an activity in me.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, I bet you have.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, whereas you're, oh, just wanna lay by the. I just wanna lay by the pool, please.

• 30:49Speaker 00

  I do just wanna lay by the pool.

• 30:53Speaker 00

  Um, I do wanna lay by the pool.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Um, have you ever been stung by a wasp?

• 30:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, it's screwed, twice.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  And then people, oh, yeah, he got done twice. And by the way.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  Over how many, over what period of time?

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Three days.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Three days, so stung twice in three days. What, so the first time you were an innocent bystander?

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Under the arm there.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  Right, and then what happened the second time?

• 31:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:18Speaker 00

  But did you aggravate that one?

• 31:19Speaker 01

  No, I'm like, I, I literally was like, cause that just makes him angry. But that's also, by the way, what you're dealing with with the wasp, is the same thing with dealing with a fucking lunatic in a pub. And when you were younger and you were standing in a pub and someone walked in, everyone go, fuck it, be careful, he's in there. Don't catch his eye, cause he'll fucking throw a bottle over your head or something.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  So you're terrified. That's what a wasp is like.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  It's like literally dealing with something, you're going, don't, don't, don't aggravate it, it will sting you, it'll bite you. That's all you're told as a kid, so you're like, fucking hell, I'm set on a holiday like that.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  And it still stung me.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:56Speaker 00

  We went to Hever Castle a few days ago.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Right, any wasps?

• 32:00Speaker 00

  Loads.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  Hever Castle.

• 32:05Speaker 00

  I ha- I, listen, I love Hever Castle, a big fan of Henry the Eighth, as everyone knows, that's one of the, my first things that people find out about me.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's very, very surprised that you're still married to Lisa when you had your other five wives.

• 32:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, but they've got a wasp problem. We went to get, we went to get lunch.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  A wasp nest, it's illegal to move them.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I, I think it was just because of the way that they're just all over your food and everything like that, like properly coming for you. My mum, um.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  I know your mum was there.

• 32:31Speaker 00

  Where?

• 32:32Speaker 01

  At Hever Castle.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, she was.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  Um, she just started like really battering them.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  Good for her, mate.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's like you're just winding them up.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, did she kill any?

• 32:42Speaker 00

  No.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  Why is that the worst?

• 32:44Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, cause then if you, if you're gonna go at a wasp, it's like fucking all those Marvel films and Batman films that you like. If you're gonna go at the fucking main villain, you've got to fucking make sure you've got a plan. Cause if you aggravate them, they are.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, she didn't have a plan.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  Um, I, although I saw a TikTok video where they just spray water on them and they fuck off.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, apparently, cause they think it's rain, they're stupid as well, like any other psychopath. Like if you spray a little bit of water, fucking raining.

• 33:08Speaker 00

  I wish I'd have seen that version of Batman where he just. Gets the sprinkler out.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  And Bean just runs into. Oh, I must run. I know, it sounds like fucking Yoda. We will get ruined in the what? Um, I mean, it's always raining in Batman. Yeah, I, I wanna buy one of those little salt shotguns, have you seen those?

• 33:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  That's, that's, that's the dream.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  I wanna get, but I don't know if you get that through customs.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  So do they, they shoot, they shoot salt?

• 33:36Speaker 01

  They shoot like a, a thing of salt, they're incredible.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  I've used, I used one in America.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Really?

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  What on?

• 33:42Speaker 00

  On a load of insects.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Did it work? By the way, as a vegan, that's.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  Well, I didn't use it on insects, but that's what it was for.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, bugger salt, this.

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've used that.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  They should, do you know what they should have done with this?

• 33:52Speaker 00

  What?

• 33:53Speaker 01

  And then they sold a lot more, got someone like Jason Statham to do the advertising. It does look a cool thing to get though, doesn't it?

• 33:59Speaker 00

  But you can't shoot a jelly with a load of salt, can you?

• 34:02Speaker 01

  Well, you're not, you're not meant to shoot the food with it.

• 34:05Speaker 00

  Well, that's exclusively what they're showing here.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but it's gonna, I mean, I suppose that's the only thing, the salt will go on the food, doesn't it? That'd be awful to get one of these, get one of these and go, oh, what happened to Ramesh? Oh, he bought one of those bug sawers, he never got stung by a wasp again, but he died of heart disease.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  His food was so overly seasoned.

• 34:26Speaker 00

  It's even in the fantasy, you're the one that wanted this gun, but I die of heart disease.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, but it's obvious now that you're, I'm more likely to die of heart disease than you, because of the visceral fat.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  No, don't say things like that.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  Well, no, that's true, yours, your fat is friendly fat.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  I've got a history of heart disease in my family.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, but.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  I've died of a heart attack.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, but it's not coming for you, my, both my grandfathers did. Like, but that, that's not coming for you now, you've got that nice fat.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Do, do, after this chat and what we've talked about, do we still go in the comedy podcast category?

• 34:55Speaker 01

  I don't know, today I think it's, it's been a more educational one.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  If there's a sub category sort of death and general depression about physical appearance.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  I don't think we've been that down about it. I'm not down about my physical appearance.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  You know what we should do, we should, we should move to goal hanger, and this podcast could be called The Rest Is Low Self-Esteem.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  I didn't know that The Rest Is Entertainment was a part of that.

• 35:21Speaker 00

  Fucking hell, Tom.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  I didn't, I just thought, I thought Richard Osman would have had the nous to start his own podcast. I thought, no, he's one of the most educated, cleverest guys I've ever met in my life.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  I thought, oh, he'll just have his own podcast.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Right.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  There's no, I didn't think he'd lean into someone else being his.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  Well, it's a known brand, isn't it?

• 35:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, you, listen, you do brand stuff every week, you should know about that.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I haven't got as much money as Richard Osman by a long fucking stretch, I'm on fucking twenty books in.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Well, okay, well, roughly, how much do you reckon Richard Osman has got?

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Uh, twenty-five million.

• 35:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, easy, just for the books alone.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  Like, and then they've been made into a film.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  And then what's he getting for each episode?

• 36:02Speaker 01

  And also, by, by the way, a very, very, like, very bright.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  Producer.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Incredible producer.

• 36:08Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  How many books is it he's written?

• 36:11Speaker 02

  Seven.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Seven, seven books and?

• 36:14Speaker 01

  And they're all bestsellers, by the way.

• 36:15Speaker 00

  Thursday Murder Club or whatever.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  Got made into a film.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. So he's been a nice tickle out of that.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  Pretty packet for that.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's got the podcast, which is massive.

• 36:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  He was on Pointless, which is massive.

• 36:27Speaker 00

  Massive, yeah.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  And, and, and he's an exec producer on.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, and he's been doing it for years and years and years.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  Zepatron, by the way, which is one of the biggest entertainment, yeah, Richard Osman is doing very well.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  How's it feel, Richard?

• 36:38Speaker 01

  I'd like to be a pound note.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  It's not so nice when the shoe's on the other foot, is it? We're discussing you.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  Sweet, sweet Richard, he's a sweet guy.

• 36:45Speaker 00

  He's lovely, I love him.

• 36:46Speaker 01

  He's an absolute legend.

• 36:47Speaker 00

  Um, okay, Tom.

• 36:51Speaker 05

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• 37:17Speaker 06

  Bonjour, compadre, it's the.

• 37:21Speaker 06

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• 37:49Speaker 00

  Tom, let's talk about how you're gonna do your closer in a few minutes.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  I enjoyed last week's closer, so I enjoy the, the concept now that you, you've stumbled upon a concept.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Oh, Tom, sorry, I'm sorry to cut you off there.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  We've done something really bad this year.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  What, what?

• 38:06Speaker 00

  And it's too late to do anything about, well, it's not too late to do anything about, it's too late for me. Um, we've not set up a wolf in our FPL.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, have you done an FPL team?

• 38:14Speaker 00

  No.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  I have, I'll never not do one.

• 38:17Speaker 00

  It's just, so last year.

• 38:19Speaker 01

  We taper off of it.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  That's the problem, my interest, my interest wanes.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  And also, by the way, I'm more involved this year than ever, because of West Ham being down.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  Oh, I see.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  I can't tell you how depressing it, I didn't think I was gonna be so depressed, by the way, I mean, I know this is a football podcast.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  Rob and Josh have already stole the march on, they knew.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's really good, it's nice to see them in a, a different setup.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  Um.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  And talking about football, I said.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  I didn't know how depressed I'd be about West Ham being a championship club.

• 38:46Speaker 00

  I thought you were excited about it.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  I was, until I was sitting there, first day of season, yeah, I thought we were gonna be half decent, not an absolute fucking travesty.

• 38:53Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Um, and then I was sitting, opening day of season, we're playing Burnley.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  Two nil up, managed to just about hold on to a two two draw and I'm sitting watching and in a bar and behind me is Arsenal, absolutely smashing city, playing some of the best football I've ever seen.

• 39:10Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Literally with some of your biggest stars not even on the pitch. Miles Lewis-Skelly, this kid.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  My god. I literally was like, this is, and then who are we gonna buy? We spent all chat, being told we're gonna buy Troy Parrot and ended up with some fucking helmet from Leeds who's, anyway. It's so depressing. I actually genuinely, my FPL team is the one thing I'm actually enjoying about football.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  We could, we could still set up the FPL, but I can't be in it because I've missed, I've missed two weeks.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  No, no, you'd have missed about six weeks by the time this comes out. You've missed six weeks. Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, scoring starts. Look, you can do, you can choose when it starts. So we could choose that our league just starts a little bit later.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  That's a good idea. Okay, so we, because we forgot to set up a league, we're starting from match week six.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  FPL from match week six. Do we need to, should we generate this code now?

• 40:05Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  M L two seven F Y.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  That's M L two seven F Y.

• 40:12Speaker 00

  That's M L two seven F Y.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  That's M L two seven F Y. That's your fantasy FPL code.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Uh, so we're setting up the league, that'd be good, wouldn't it? That'd be fun.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  You, you drop out of it so quick though.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  I'll just get fed up.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  Why?

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Because what happens is, is I'm, I'll miss two deadlines in a row to make transfers.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  By the way, the skill of it is to not fucking panic and do the deadlines.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Everyone panics and does transfers.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  I've been playing FPL a long time and every time I do it, I always just fall into the same trap. I'm gonna take out this person, this person. And this year I've made one solemn promise, unless the person's having an absolute stick. So for example, a few weeks back, uh, Harry Maguire had a terrible opening game season against Hull. Years before I'd have taken Harry Maguire out. I don't want Harry Maguire in the team, he's had a bad game. I kept him in. In the next game, he scores, or he's hit his own goal, so he gets an assist, plays a lot better. So you keep Harry Maguire, you show him some faith.

• 41:12Speaker 00

  And you've got a great anecdote out of it.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That I've been telling everyone in the pub.

• 41:17Speaker 00

  Um, can I ask a question about, I don't know if you're allowed to say this, your F C twenty seven advert?

• 41:22Speaker 01

  Yep. Yeah.

• 41:24Speaker 00

  That you're involved in.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  You can ask me a question.

• 41:26Speaker 00

  Very jealous that you're involved in that.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 41:28Speaker 00

  What F C privileges do you get in exchange for doing the advert? None at all. Did you get the game early?

• 41:34Speaker 01

  No, no, no. I mean, I'm, I'm, hopefully I will. I haven't had it yet.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Who did you meet?

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Kid Fenwick.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  He's great, right?

• 41:41Speaker 01

  I love him. He's an actor. By the way, I actually think he'd be a sick actor.

• 41:45Speaker 00

  There's a bit where you're not.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  Vinnie Jones vibe.

• 41:47Speaker 00

  Oh really? Yeah.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Like genuinely, like I was like, oh, this guy can actually really, he's just got a way about him.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:53Speaker 01

  He's really cool.

• 41:55Speaker 00

  And then there's a bit when you were lying on the inflatable.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 42:00Speaker 00

  How did you feel about that?

• 42:01Speaker 01

  I hated every moment of it.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought you might, but you looked great.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  I'm not sure.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  You looked wonderful. Was it a fun advert to do?

• 42:08Speaker 01

  It was very fun. I loved that game.

• 42:11Speaker 00

  I've just bought, this is not an endorsement, so I've just bought a little handheld, it's on its way.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  The PlayStation?

• 42:19Speaker 00

  No, no. Um, it's a little handheld console that's got all the old like Commodore sixty four, Atari, blah games on it. It's not arrived yet. I'm so excited.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  Do you know what I can't wait for? And this should be a whole.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  It's got Wonder Boy on it, guys. Wonder Boy.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  I'm so excited for the new Grand Theft Auto.

• 42:39Speaker 00

  Are you?

• 42:40Speaker 01

  I'm getting a nosebleed about it. I'm fucking so pumped. Like, I think we should do Wolf and Owl.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  It's quite an edgy take from you. So you're excited about the new Grand Theft Auto?

• 42:49Speaker 01

  I think we should get the Wolf and Owl, do a Wolf and Owl Grand Theft Auto special.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  And what would that involve?

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Us playing Grand Theft Auto together online.

• 42:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Do you play? Are you a player?

• 42:59Speaker 00

  First of all, do not ever ask that question like that ever again. Are you a player?

• 43:08Speaker 01

  No, but I don't know.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  You a player?

• 43:11Speaker 00

  Do you Grand Theft Auto? Do you GTA?

• 43:13Speaker 01

  GTA.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  You were GTA?

• 43:14Speaker 01

  You G, G, GTA'd.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  Uh, the last one I, was it, what was the last one called?

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Five. GTA five.

• 43:21Speaker 00

  I, no, the last one I played was San Andreas.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Things have changed, baby.

• 43:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Um, you, it'll blow your mind if you want me playing now.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  Really?

• 43:29Speaker 01

  The graphics, the world.

• 43:31Speaker 00

  I would have played San Andreas, I thought it's never gonna get better than this.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it has. Wait till this new one comes out.

• 43:34Speaker 00

  Better than San Andreas?

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Mate, I swear that I, I just can't wait. Red Dead, I, I took two weeks off.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  From anything. And this was just, I'm all about the Red Dead, baby.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:46Speaker 01

  I think it was during Covid, I think.

• 43:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, sure. Everyone took a bit of time off, mate.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  That was probably before that, actually, I think. This is, yeah, we should do like a, like a Grand Theft Auto Wolf and Owl where people can join our world. On Grand Theft Auto. That would be so fucking cool. And they gotta find the owl and you're hiding out.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Do you know, um, it feels like, this is, this is, you are the Steve Jobs of this podcast. Which is, you shit out an idea, right?

• 44:19Speaker 00

  And then you will have no more to do with making that a reality. All right? And, and your only ongoing involvement will be to send occasional WhatsApps going, uh, any news on what's happening with this GTA six thing? I think, I think this is a really good idea. It feels like we're missing an opportunity by not setting this up. That's what, that's what's gonna happen. All our lives are gonna be dominated by you chasing this project that you're not willing to actually commit to in terms of actually helping set up.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  You make a wacky character called the owl, right?

• 44:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  And everyone, someone's, and we set up a little world that people have got to find you in it and arrest you or kill you.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  Right? And I'm like the sort of main hunter with them and then John's like my little sidekick, right? And we're trying to find you and you've got to hide out.

• 45:00Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 45:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's quite a fun game.

• 45:02Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 45:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:03Speaker 00

  It's quite a fun game.

• 45:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, yeah, we, we should try something like that.

• 45:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  Any Grand Theft Auto Animal Pack listeners, get in touch. If you play, um, get in touch.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  Uh, okay, Tom, do you want to take us out?

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, should we do, I, I enjoy.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Oh, do you want to do that? Do you want me to suggest some stuff?

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Do you wanna go? Yeah, go.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, all right. Um, maggot.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  Um, nits.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 45:27Speaker 00

  And Grand Theft Auto.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  Okay. Well, this is quite a tough one.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  The world turns and a poor little boy with a runny nose plays on Grand Theft Auto as a cold wind blows. Addiction. We've all been there. Alcohol.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  The devil's lettuce, whatever your potion.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  But for Troy Southern, his

• 46:00Speaker 01

  his addiction with Grand Theft Auto, he was obsessed with the game. He waited and waited. Beth baited until it arrived. The day arrived, his mother was like, Troy, Troy, you're going to work today? He's like, I've quit my job, I've quit my job. And she's like, why? He's like, Grand Theft Auto is out for crying out loud. Running up to his bedroom, switching on his console as the screen illuminated. And this faux world began. Troy felt good, complete almost, as he ran his character around, shooting people, getting in trouble with the police, living a life that Troy himself

• 46:42Speaker 01

  couldn't even dream of. Nice cars, ritzy nice clubs, good clothes. A week passed and then a month. Before you knew it, it was two thousand twenty nine and Troy was still playing the game. Friends had stopped calling, work had stopped.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  He had nits badly and he didn't know he got them, maybe through the game, probably through his mum. Every night she'd go, come into his room, she'd go, I'm worried about you Troy, and give him a kiss, her long hair cascading down his back.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  She said, I'm worried about you. Look at your room, waste everywhere. When did you last clean that bin? Opening the bin and maggots just spilled out. A tear dropped down her eye and she was like, Troy, this is no life. This isn't a real life, Troy. You're addicted to Grand Theft Auto. Troy sat there and said, I'm not addicted. She said, it's twenty twenty eight, twenty nine? I can't remember. Twenty, twenty nine. It's been three years since she went outside. Troy looked down at his long fingernails he hadn't cut, wearing the same clothes, dust all over his body and skin. Little smell of himself. That aftershave scent had wavered and B O had cascaded from his armpits.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  He took a moment and the screen went blank. A power cut or search, either way, the same outcome. And instead of Grand Theft Auto, Troy had just got a look at himself, the man that the world had forgotten. It's like he pressed pause on his own life and his own game to enter a world that didn't really mean anything. And Troy put down the controller, stood up and he walked outside. And at first the sunlight hurt his eyes because he hadn't seen it for so long. But after a while, he got a swift, sweet smell of something. Old Mr. Acorn next door was having a barbecue. And you know what? There was a burger on that grill for an old friend. He hadn't seen for some time. There you go.

• 48:41Speaker 00

  Oh, really good.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 48:45Speaker 00

  I gave you three quite tough things to incorporate.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, thank you so much for listening and watching, uh, the Wolf and Owl podcast. We will see you next time. Next time you see us, it'll be an email special, especiale. Bye bye.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  Dankeschön.