Bob Mortimer: Writing Novels, Gone Fishing & Last One Laughing

Why did Bob Mortimer never speak to Damon Albarn again? In this episode of The Romesh Ranganathan Show, Romesh is joined by comedian, writer and national treasure Bob Mortimer, ahead of his new novel Michael. They talk about how Bob writes a book without a plan, the surprising second series of Last One Laughing, and why Gone Fishing has become so much more than two men by a river. There’s also a heated cats vs dogs debate, a very particular opinion on lard, and a story about a pair of stolen glasses that Bob clearly hasn’t recovered from. A Ranga Bee Production. Chapters: 00:00 Intro00:45 Meet Bob Mortimer02:04 Last One Laughing: series two nerves08:09 A gift for Bob11:17 Why Bob prefers cats12:09 Writing a book with no plan15:25 Why Michael is such a brilliant book25:22 How Gone Fishing started33:01 Why Gone Fishing gets so deep38:44 Romesh's House of Fools audition45:12 A question from Shanthi50:00 Bob's notes on the show55:41 Bob's health and the lard question1:09:49 The ending of Michael1:12:59 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  These guys, I shouldn't, I shouldn't flag it.

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Flag it.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  They're so excited about you being here. It's actually slightly embarrassing.

• 0:08Speaker 02

  How much is the excitement dropping as this lingers on?

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Not at all.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  There are rows. There are rows. To a point where I found it quite insulting hearing them talking about you coming on.

• 0:19Speaker 02

  Well, you've met me, Romesh, so you're not gonna be very excited, are you? Jesus. It's that old fella, round head. Yeah. I'm Bob Mortimer and I'm gonna be on the Romesh Ranga Nathan Show. Oh, yes.

• 0:42Speaker 03

  Oh, shut up, Romesh.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  My guest today is a solicitor, comedian and storyteller. Fell into comedy after a chance encounter with Vic Reeves in a pub and proved himself to be a bit of a comedy genius. Smart, absurd, deadpan, very funny. He's had an insanely successful career on TV with shows like Shooting Stars, House of Fools and Gone Fishing. And he recently cemented his legend status and comic goat, not once but twice on Last One Laughing. Not only that, he's also a bestselling author and his latest novel, Michael, is out on the 90th of November. It's the legendary, which I've already said, but it's worth saying twice. I'll say it again, the legendary, the iconic, the peerless, Bob Mortimer, everybody!

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Uh, welcome to the show.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  Yep, thank you, legendary Romesh.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Thanks, mate. Listen, don't, because we'll get, we'll get comments going, how dare you accept that from Bob. Um, uh, how's life?

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Life is good. I just finished the book, Michael. What did you think of that as a title?

• 1:44Speaker 00

  I liked it. I mean, I would, I, I think it would be weird if the main character in it wasn't called Michael, but fortunately, you've dodged that bullet.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I already realised right at the end. Shit, thank God.

• 1:56Speaker 00

  I've got a fucking GoFundersons, Ctrl S, chase this, chase this guy's name from Daniel.

• 2:04Speaker 04

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• 2:21Speaker 04

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• 2:32Speaker 05

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• 3:03Speaker 02

  Because we did Last One Laughing together.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Yes, we did, yeah.

• 3:07Speaker 02

  Um, and it was a bit traumatic for both of us, I think. Is that fair to say?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Well, because you'd, you'd done this amazing thing of, because it's, it's actually quite rare what you did, which is to be a guest on a show and be so iconic on that show. And, and you know, you were so funny on it. And weirdly, it's one of these things where your appearance on that show, I think, even brought you to the attention of people that might not have been aware of your work beforehand. And that was just as a guest on the show.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  And so then, when we did the second one, um, I, I was, to be completely honest, I was in the middle of proceedings and I thought, oh God, is this gonna be shit? I, I, I was like, is this shit? Have, have I come onto the second series of a huge success and curled out a big steamer? Like, is this, this feels like it's going terribly. And then obviously, we couldn't talk, you, you can't, you're talking about whatever, but you're not, we're not gonna talk during, I'm not gonna say to you during the show, Bob, is this going shit?

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  So, but I thought, well, Bob, I came off and I think I said to my agent, oh, I didn't, I don't know how, I don't know how good that was. And I said, you're always gonna feel like it because nobody's laughing at you. That is just human nature is gonna, and then I saw you and you went, was that a bit shit?

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  I think we were all thinking that, weren't we? But it shows that it's a strong format, doesn't it? You know, so there you go.

• 4:32Speaker 00

  Well, I wonder if, from your point of view, um, because you, when you did the first one, it was all new. Like inevitably, when you come back to do the second one, it's gonna feel a bit weirder, isn't it? Because there's the excitement of what is this gonna be? And then the second time you're coming into it, sort of knowing, not knowing what's gonna happen, but it's a bit of a different experience, isn't it?

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. And it's, there's a, there's, there's weird different chemistries, isn't there, Romesh? Well, like I, I know in the first one, I, I know Richard, Richard Ayewadi. So that just, you know, that just calms you a bit.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 5:05Speaker 02

  And Daisy never shuts up.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  So she keeps things going.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Proper engine.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  So, and the, there was a different chemistry in the second one. I think that threw me a bit, actually, because I was thinking it would just be the same, but yeah.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  If I, if I, if I was, um, being hyper analytical, I'd say we didn't have as many good faces in our series as in the first series. What I mean by that is trying not to laugh faces. Because in, in the first series, you had Harriet Kemsley, whose try not to laugh face was very, very good.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Daisy's very good.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Daisy's was good, yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Judy Love had a good try not to laugh face, but then a good laugh as well.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  I think that is something for bookers to think about.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  You know, who, I think you, you, you chat to them and you go, can you try not, show me what it looks like when you try not to laugh?

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  And then maybe book people based on that.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  What would make them laugh?

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  Punching Robert Plant?

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  That, for example.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  I mean, anyone in cowboy boots and shorts.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  Any man over 50 in cowboy boots and shorts.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:07Speaker 02

  Yep. I would try, I would try not one. It was quite hard to laugh at that one.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  I did a lot of that.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. Still, that's Last One Laughing and it turned out okay.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. Are you gonna do it again?

• 6:19Speaker 02

  I've not been asked, but if they did, I would, yeah. I mean, it is interesting. It's like an unforgettable experience.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  It is, yeah.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  The, um, you know, I did years of shooting stars and I don't really remember much about it, really.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  You know, but I'll, I'll never forget that.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  You went higher.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  I don't, no, you just get, um, if you get on a real treadmill, write shooting stars, record shooting stars, edit shooting stars, Christmas, write shooting stars, you know, um, produce it as well. That's just seven years that are so similar.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  You know, and of course, your memory.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  Goes to.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  To somewhere.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  Where does it go? You, you, I used to remember things and they're gone now.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  Don't know if they're, where they go.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Well, I think probably if you're having the same thing, a similar thing happen over and over again.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  That probably, your brain probably goes, you don't need to, this is all feels fairly samey.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Let's file that away somewhere that you can only access in a real emergency.

• 7:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. I really like, this is difficult. Are we just, we just talk, do we?

• 7:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, look, there's, there's a light structure and I'll, and I'll prod you and, and need you as required.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  But essentially, it's a loose chat.

• 7:32Speaker 02

  Right, yo, the supermarkets are so full, Romesh. What do you, do you, are you a supermarket shopper or do you get it delivered?

• 7:42Speaker 00

  I tend to get it delivered. I'll tell you why. Lisa and I very rarely argue.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  But if we go on a big shop, it's almost guaranteed that we will argue.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  Right.

• 7:52Speaker 00

  And so we'd, we'd been consistently arguing in Tesco.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Every single time.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  And eventually it got to the point where we said, we can't keep doing this to ourselves.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  Right.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  And so now we get it delivered.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  It's nice the delivery.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  What do you prefer? There is something nice about going into a supermarket, though, isn't there?

• 8:09Speaker 02

  I love it, yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  My, my, my wife gets, um, not upset with me, but she doesn't understand that I like, I love to go to the supermarket to go, oh, we haven't got any Marmite on. And she says, well, I'll put it on the list.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  But, um, I'm, I'm one for instant gratification.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  If I've had a Marmite moment, I need it.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  You want it now? You're not thinking, I, I think I'm gonna feel like Marmite in a week.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  So, no, I, I love going around supermarkets. I like looking at the clothing.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  I like clothing. I don't like wearing it. I like looking at it. You dress really well, don't you, Romesh?

• 8:41Speaker 00

  Well, I don't.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  You, I think you and say, I think Richard Ayewadi dresses really well, you and him. Rob, not so much.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  Not so much.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  Not so much.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Romesh, he always looks neat and tidy.

• 8:54Speaker 00

  It's not bad. It's not bad, but it doesn't look deliberate.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  So, yeah, I like looking, I like looking at, um, the clothes.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  Well, we, we've actually got, we've actually got a present for you, Bob.

• 9:07Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you very much.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  I was supposed to give this to you right at the beginning.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  I hope it's sweet.

• 9:10Speaker 00

  But we got distracted. It's not sweets, but we have got loads of sweets.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  I ask for sweets for, from all my friends and family at Christmas and no one gets me them. I don't like these foam jelly ones.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, that's all we, okay, get out, Georgie, get the fuck out.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  Because it's.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Percy Pigs?

• 9:25Speaker 02

  Not for me, thanks.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  I have been, um, in my youth, my uncle worked at a gelatin factory and I've been to a gelatin factory.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  Uh, oh, man.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  But these have got no gelatin in, because I'm plant-based.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  All of those sweets.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  None of those sweets have got any gelatin in. Oh, there you go. What a 180.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Have these got gelatin in?

• 9:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're gonna.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  No, no, these haven't got gelatin in either, Bob. Do you want me to open them for you?

• 9:54Speaker 02

  I'm not that old, Romesh, I can't.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  No, but you just look, you look like you were struggling, that's all.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  That was off.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Was it odd?

• 10:00Speaker 01

  It was off.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  A bit off, wasn't it?

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry. No, you're right.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Do you want some help with that?

• 10:05Speaker 00

  I'm a guy, no. Can I tell you what? It's because you look like you were struggling with it.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  God, they're ma, they're heavy.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:12Speaker 02

  Heavy sweets.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's because, um, if you're not using pig, you have to put a lot of chickpea.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  Is that what it is?

• 10:19Speaker 00

  That's where the weight is coming from. No, I don't know what they use for it, actually.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  I'm gonna have one. I know it's not helpful.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  No, it's, it's good.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  What do you think? Yeah? Nice?

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Fresh bramble, picked off the hedgerow, into the packet.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  And into the gob.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  That's what I'm experiencing.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  Beautiful.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Right, here's, you can have that bag. Here's, here's this. Do you want me to open that for you?

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Do you want me to do?

• 10:47Speaker 02

  See what you think, Bob, and be completely honest.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  It's cat based, so I'm gonna love it.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  Oh, is this a hot war ball?

• 10:54Speaker 00

  No.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  What is that?

• 10:59Speaker 00

  I know, it's a good question. It's a cat teatowel.

• 11:02Speaker 02

  It's a teatowel?

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  But do the arms like hook over?

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, you put the arms on the, on the handle.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  Of the teatowel?

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Of the teatowel, no, of the oven.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, oven, yeah.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  So you can hang it there. And so it's like that, ready for use.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  Oh, I've got you.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 02

  I've got you. I've got a cat, uh, he was highly trained and what I trained him to do was to mash potato with his paws. And what a great contribution to the household. Was that? No. Percy will mash the potato.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  Superb.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  How did you train him to do that?

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Well, uh, let's put it this way, it was more stick than carrot.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 11:47Speaker 00

  It has to be. It's a cat.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, how'd you train a rabbit?

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Uh, that's nice. Uh, do, what do you think, honestly?

• 12:00Speaker 02

  I love it. My wife will absolutely love it. And, um, particularly, I can't reach, she could help.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  Thank you. My mom will love it because it's kinda, kind of one of those tuxedo cats.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  And we both love them. My first cat Billy was a tuxedo.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Why do you like cats so much, Bob? Do you, do you like dogs, by the way?

• 12:21Speaker 02

  No, not really.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Okay. And what, why is it that you prefer cats to dogs?

• 12:24Speaker 02

  Um. Whoa, I don't, I like the smell.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  Um, I like, you know, when I'm writing my books, both, both my cats, they sit, they sit sort of there making it awkward.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  But it, it sort of feels like they, they encourage me and, um, calm me.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  And keep me going, giving them a stroke and, uh. Don't punch him. I know that's what you're thinking. And.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Well, I'll see you get him to do the mashed potato.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  If I see the wife with a bit of spud there, I say, cats punch you, don't it?

• 13:00Speaker 00

  I'll have, I'll have a word with him. I'll have a word with him. No, don't. It's all right. It was my fault.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Is it, am I right in saying that it wasn't originally going to be what it ended up being? Is that right?

• 13:13Speaker 02

  This book?

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Um, well, I don't really know what, what it was ever gonna be, Rob. I'd just sit down, start writing. I'd just have a, a first point that I might reach.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  So you don't have a plan?

• 13:23Speaker 02

  No, no. I, um, do you know, I, my first, my first book's at Summa Complex. When I was a solicitor.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  There was a, a private detective that the company used and, um, he took, the private detective took me to a pub one night and said, we'd like to come and work for me instead of being a solicitor, because it was quite badly paid being a solicitor. I was a legal aid solicitor down in Peckham. Um, and he offered me a job, which was a, a lot more money. And then the following, I maybe say four days after that, he was found dead, um, with an axe in his head in a, be, behind, in a car park behind a pub in Sidham.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  The private detective?

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's quite a famous case. Um, Daniel Morgan. And I thought, well, that, that's interesting.

• 14:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  So I'll get, I'll.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  Feels like an event.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  So, you know, um, the book's not about that, I think.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  No, no, let's be clear on that.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  That would be a place to, I'll get to that place.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  And that, that would be about 2,000 words. And then I'll think, where could I go next?

• 14:20Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  And then in, somehow you end up with a book.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  But don't you, do, do you not run the risk of painting yourself into a corner?

• 14:26Speaker 02

  You do a lot, yeah.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:28Speaker 02

  That's the most tiresome thing is going back and amended it to fit. Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  He's not called Michael. Shit. Um, but that's quite exciting. I, I, I'm pretty sure, I can't remember his name, but the guy that writes Peaky Blinders.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:43Speaker 00

  I'm pretty sure he just does the most exciting scene he can do, or the most interesting scene he can do.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  And then figures it out from there, rather than plotting it all out in advance.

• 14:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think they do that with Mission Impossible, don't they? They just think of sort of 10 incredible scenes. Let's, let's join them up somehow.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  Um, yeah. So that's, uh, uh, when I first thought I could write a book, I asked a few people who'd written books and they said, you should plot it out and know where you're going.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, that's like, when you do an English GCSE, they say you have to do that. It's like the, you know, step one, that is.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  That is kind of step one of it. But, um, I looked, I did, I was, did a, like a search and, uh, how would you write a book?

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  More or less that sort of search.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  That was at the Google, that was the literal?

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Something like that, you know, what's the best way to write a book or how do you start a book or whatever?

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  And I found one little reference that said, there's a French school that just makes it up as they go along. There's a, you know, in France.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  And so I thought I'll join that school.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  So you, you've gone for the.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  The effort of plotting a book.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  I get it. You've gone for the method that most suits your tastes.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  So was it, was Michael originally supposed to be a memoir then?

• 15:52Speaker 02

  No, no. I mean, it might have been. I don't know. Do you know differently? I have no idea.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  I don't know. That's, somebody told me that and I thought that'd be a cool way to start this chat.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  Who would have read that rumor? Robert Plant?

• 16:02Speaker 00

  Maybe.

• 16:02Speaker 02

  Maybe. I don't, I've no, I, I can't remember, Rob. I don't mean to be rude.

• 16:08Speaker 00

  No, you don't.

• 16:09Speaker 02

  Stalling you on that one.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  No, listen, I appreciate it because you could have just gone along with it and then this whole, and then I would have got a message from your PR going, by the way, everything Bob said there was a complete lie. Could you take that out of the podcast? So I'd rather you challenge it at this point.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was good. Uh, uh, I'm gonna say this, I, I think, look, it's, it's a brilliant book.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  It's, it's the, the, the starting point is so intriguing.

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  And the whole story is this, you've got intriguing starting point, which are, you know, from your methodology, makes sense, right?

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  You've just, you've got this beautiful sort of chunk of life in, in the book. And then it's tied up so, in such a heartwarming way. Um.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, the end, I'm quite chuffed with the end. It's the hardest bit of a book.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  But a few people who've, who've read it, they've cried at the end.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  And I thought, oh, right. I had, then I think that means, yeah, I did pull it off. They actually felt something.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  I, I think it's a sort of book that makes you reflect on your life and think about it differently, I guess, or, or look back on certain key moments in your life and, and, and think about, because I, you know, when you talk about, when people ask you about how you got somewhere in your career or whatever, how, you know, how you met your wife, whatever it is, you think about, uh, people and circumstances that led to that thing. And if those things hadn't been in exactly the right place, you wouldn't have got there. And this book makes you really reflect on that. It's, it's, it's really beautiful in that way.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  That's kind of, I, I started, my starting point for it was, is like, I'm vaguely aware of people go to therapy and discover some sort of trauma that was in, um, their youth, which I suppose they'd forgotten or certainly hadn't realised the effect it had on them. So I thought, well, what about if an adult can go back and live that year and reflect on it as an adult? So actually, you know, live probably the worst year in their life because, um, it seems those worst years probably are the most important in some way. So I was just looking for a way to, you know, say, an adult looking back at his worst year and.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  I mean, it's really funny as well, but one of the reasons it's so funny is your turn of phrase is unbelievable. I mean, everybody knows that about you. So how come you don't like dogs?

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Um, I think, I have a vague memory of being very young and a, and a Labrador jumping out.

• 18:30Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Attacking me. And also I was a bin man for about a year up in Middlesbrough. And the dogs are, oh man. It's terrible. They're hunting packs, you know, they're, the stray dogs. I did, we did an area called Grove Hill, which was a, a, a bad area of Middlesbrough. And there was a pack of dogs that was led by a Great Dane. And, um, they're frightening. I lived in Hume in Manchester and there was a pack of dogs there as well. Um, just, what do they come, feral or stray?

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  And there were, there were a gang with a leader. And you'd come out, there was only one shop on the estate and you'd come out with your plastic bag and they'd go for you and take your bag off you. Um, probably sensing that I was scared of dogs. I don't know.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Apparently they can smell that.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  And so, okay. Well, that's interesting because, uh, have you heard about this theory that people that prefer cats, uh, like Chinese food and people that prefer dogs like Indian food?

• 19:25Speaker 02

  Wow, let me think. Ooh. I mean, I do, I do like them both.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  Right. Do you have a preference?

• 19:33Speaker 02

  As I sit here now.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  I could kill an old fashioned Chinese.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  I really could.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  But then some nights, Corey, but I'm having a lot, where I live in Tunbridge Wells.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Are you in Tunbridge Wells?

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I live in Tunbridge, and it's.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  That was such a ridiculous overreaction. I'm so sorry.

• 19:53Speaker 02

  Where'd you, where'd you?

• 19:54Speaker 00

  It was like you'd said you'd lived in Narnia.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Where do you, where do you live, Rob?

• 20:00Speaker 00

  I'm in Crawley.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Crawley?

• 20:03Speaker 02

  What?

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, so you're not so far.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  But in Tunbridge Wells, you can't get a decent Indian.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Can you not?

• 20:11Speaker 02

  You can't get a decent Chinese. They've more or less gone to Chinese. It's now like Vietnamese and Thai and stuff, you know.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  God, stop the boats. Am I right? You know, um, there's actually a restaurant, Bob, in Tunbridge Wells. Annoyingly, I can't remember the name of it, but it's on the tiles.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  And they've got a burger called the Romesh.

• 20:31Speaker 02

  As a tribute to you.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  I hope so.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  That's nice, isn't it?

• 20:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's falafel.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Right.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  How do you feel about falafel?

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Falafel's okay. It's filler, isn't it? It's like porridge. It's like hardened porridge balls. I don't know. Well, if, what would you like most like named after you, but I suppose like a car?

• 20:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, a car would be good.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  A football boot wouldn't be bad, would it? Do you know what I mean? So in the close up, the corner take, it says Romesh.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  On the side of an ad.

• 20:58Speaker 00

  It's, it's difficult. What would you want your, would you want your surname or your first name? Cause Adidas Bob? Do you think that works as well as Adidas Mortimer?

• 21:09Speaker 02

  Mortimer's got, feels like more clout. I was serious about this. Turn on the sixpence.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 21:15Speaker 00

  As Harry Kane laces up his Mortimers.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think Harry's gonna score today. He's wearing the Mortimers. Yeah. Are you old enough to, to miss the black and white, the, the, uh, black, um, players?

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Uh, boots, football boots.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, I mean, I, I'm, I mean, I'm not a big footballer, but.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  You, I remember like when you played, if somebody, I'm old enough that if somebody turned up with different coloured boots.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  They really had to have something about them.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  You know, if somebody, basically if you turn up with coloured boots, you were making a statement that you were the shit, basically.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  And somebody is gonna go through you at some point. That's the truth, isn't it? Is that?

• 21:58Speaker 02

  No, that's the truth, yeah. When those first coloured ones came in. The very first, um, dab of colour on a boot was the George Best boot.

• 22:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  Um, that would be very, very late sixties, early seventies and that, that laced along the side.

• 22:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  And the flap there was purple. And that was the boot that would mean you were gonna get clobbered.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  Right.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  And then the Alan Ball boot came out.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Um, which was all white. And that's the, I think is the root.

• 22:29Speaker 00

  The root of the problem.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  The root of the problem.

• 22:31Speaker 00

  What's your attitude towards coloured boots now?

• 22:34Speaker 02

  Oh, I don't mind it. You know, it helps you. Oh, that's Morgan Rogers' orange boot.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  You know, it helps a bit. Do you know what I mean?

• 22:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  Do you go to football, Ron?

• 22:44Speaker 00

  I do quite a bit, yeah.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  You're an arse fan?

• 22:45Speaker 00

  I am, yeah. Yeah. Do you go a lot?

• 22:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I go an awful lot, yeah.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  What, what is it like? Cause I think, just based on how excited these guys got. I imagine it's difficult for you to go to places without people kind of getting very excited. Do you get bothered at the football?

• 22:59Speaker 02

  It's the, it's the weird. I mean, I've been going a long time, like fifty years or whatever. So, um, I go in the away end with the singers and everyone leaves me alone.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  Really? Yeah.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  I promise you occasionally at half time, they'll come up and say, would you mind, Bob? You know, that business. But they leave me alone, which is, uh, I'm very grateful, cause I would miss it so much. And the nice thing is, is my sons are older now, so we're all going up to Middlesbrough, we're going up to Preston or Blackburn or whatever. So I get the whole Saturday with them, you know, five hour journey and the match and coming back. So that's nice.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  I, I don't, you know, I, I, my, my, I've got three boys.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  All into Arsenal. And I think spending a day going to the football with my kids is one of those things, if you were to do, not a year of your life, but if you were to go, can we do a highlight reel for you to go through again? It would be going to the football with the fan. I mean, I love it so much.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  No, it's brilliant, isn't it?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  It's just the whole thing. And also that, I think the whole going through that level of drama and trauma and whatever, and celebration and all that with your kids, it's, it's a make, I mean, it's magic, man. I can't.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  It is magic. It's like, but when I'm doing the fishing show with Paul, he's often his, um, dad will come up when we're talking. And he'll say, when I look back, he loves, loves his dad dearly, but when I look back, the only thing we had in common was fishing. We just talked about fishing. We went fishing. Other than that, that, that was it. But, you know, that was a beautiful relationship because it had that. Sort of a bit the same with the, the football. It's our real, that sort of gels us together and forces us to spend time together.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by Sky. Christmas is nearly here, which means more people on the sofa than any other time of the year. And every single one of them wants to watch something different. Sky brings together the biggest shows, blockbuster movies and live sports in one place with the best TV experience that just keeps getting better. So it's never been easy to find something you'll love. That is Christmas sorted. Well, um, Lisa and I like to, um, to watch box sets together. Um, what's really nice is when you've been married for a long time, is to find stuff that you can do that doesn't involve direct conversation.

• 25:21Speaker 00

  And, uh, I think Lisa and I, we're big fans of Rivals. And obviously, series two is in and amongst it. So we're watching that on Disney Plus. Or maybe there's something like Black Doves on Netflix. I just wanna be clear, neither of you are invited. Nobody here on this team is invited to ours over the Christmas period. And what I would say to you is I hope you have a Merry Christmas and I look forward to hearing about it well into the new year.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Well, maybe next year. Maybe next year, Will.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  I think that's unlikely as well, but do, do, so let me be clear, over the Christmas period, do not keep in touch. With Sky TV, you're guaranteed to find something to please even the fussiest and busiest of households. Only Sky brings you more of the top UK shows than anywhere else with Disney Plus, HBO Max, Netflix, Sky Sports and Sky Cinema all together in one place. Head to sky.com to find out more. That is Christmas sorted.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  Um, we've gone fishing. I mean, there's so many things that you've done that have, I think you've, what your career is full of, is things where you've done something and then taken it to another level. And I think gone fishing is one of those things. Uncommissionable on paper, right?

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  You know what I mean?

• 26:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, definitely.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Not, not because of you two, but because, oh, it's two guys that go fishing. And what's kind of the, the whole challenge? No, that's it. That's the, that's the idea. You and Paul Whitehouse going fishing. How, was it a completely organic origin story to that?

• 26:53Speaker 02

  Well, we go fishing. Um, we were fishing together, um, before the show was even, uh, thought of. And, you know, we do have fun. It's, that's kind of, the gone fishing is us having a fish, you know, and, um, Paul just said we could film this for television, you know? And I didn't think anything of it. But, uh, Paul's a little bit more go getter than me and he arranged a meeting with the BBC. And like you say, we're desperately thinking up, you know, but what's the reason?

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. They wanna hook, right? Pardon the pun.

• 27:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, uh, and, uh, so we, we just went in really forcefully saying, and that's it. And we can shut up if that, if you don't fancy that.

• 27:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  But Paul's an amazing comedian, you know, with the, and I suppose the thought, he just thought, well, may, just maybe these two six, sixty plus, that's maybe worth, cause it's ever so cheap.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  Of course, yeah.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  It's a really cheap show. Maybe give it, give it a go. And I'd not long had my heart bypassed. And I think that gave it its little hook.

• 27:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Even if the hook was, he might drop dead.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's what an episode that would be, by the way.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, way to go. Yeah.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, and then did you, so when you did it, did you, obviously you can't have anticipated how popular it'd get. But did you have any, do you have, when you're doing stuff like that, do you have any ambition for it? Or do you just think this is nice that we're getting filmed doing fishing?

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, you know, we, every year we sort of have to consider, do we wanna do another one? And because we have such a, we genuinely, it's just a holiday. I mean, you've produced stuff, Ron, you know, like we, there isn't a single meeting, there isn't a single word of, we just basically get a postcode to turn up to on a Monday. And, you know, I, we can never, we can never think to ourselves, why would we stop?

• 28:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 02

  Stop doing this, you know?

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Um, do you never, did the producers never go to, um, guys, it would be great if we had, we were thinking, uh, Bob's struggling to find bait. And that could be the thing, you know, do you never get that?

• 29:01Speaker 02

  We don't, Ron, because me and Paul are the producers.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  So, and there is a kind of strength in that. If you wanna make something different or a little bit unique, I'm not claiming it, but you know, a little bit unique. It, it's good to have just a strong or two strong voices and with a bit of a vision for it.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  And say, no, this is what we do.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  Um, I've never watched a show, I don't think, where a change in the format has improved it. I'm probably wrong. There's probably lots of examples, but.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  Any, no. I've think, I've thought about shows I've been involved in where we've changed the format and it's fucked it.

• 29:35Speaker 02

  It's difficult, isn't it?

• 29:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's tricky.

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. The only change we did was we introduced the little dog, Ted.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  Um, but that, again, it was just because Ted was at, Ted comes along with, um, one of the crew and, uh, he gets into shots.

• 29:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  And, uh, we used it and he was very, dogs are popular.

• 29:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Not for me.

• 29:57Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  That biscuity smell, that yeasty sort of miasma that surrounds dogs.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, not good.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  No, no, not for me.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  I mean, it's very umani, if you could bottle it, comb your dog's hair into a stew or something.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Maybe.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  That's a nice idea.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  But to accompany you. And people have them on their beds.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  You like dogs, I can tell.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  Why do you, why are you saying that?

• 30:19Speaker 02

  I don't know. You're looking like I'm a twat.

• 30:21Speaker 00

  No. I'm looking at you like that for a totally different reason.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Oh, well shit.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  No, no, I'm joking. No, I do like dogs, but, but I do think, it's weird. I, I love, we've got two dogs.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  But I also relate to what you're saying. I, I would never, I, I love our dogs. I do think they have a biscuity, yeasty smell about them.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  My asthma, I believe, is the worst.

• 30:41Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  But um, I definitely wouldn't have them on the bed. And I don't understand when people lick, when people let them lick their mouths.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  I find that worse than racism.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:56Speaker 00

  As, as a concept.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  You know what? I think you're right. I think you're right. It's terrible, isn't it?

• 31:03Speaker 00

  I just.

• 31:03Speaker 02

  It's terrible.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  I think it's disgusting.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  And it's kind of, it's kind of personal, isn't it?

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 02

  You know, uh, I think that, you know, this ancient mist that surrounds hounds, you know, I think it does. It affects the house.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  Right.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  In a dreary sort of way.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  You, do you, so you think.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  People sort of mistake it for comfort.

• 31:26Speaker 00

  Sure. Do you think if you walked into my house and you didn't know that we had dogs, you'd immediately, you'd be able to detect it straight away?

• 31:32Speaker 02

  That you didn't have dogs.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  But I did have dogs. Like, you, you, you think the whole house is kind of infected with this kind of.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  I think so, yeah.

• 31:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's been a dog here and a rum. Sorry, it's off. You know, sorry.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  And what's about cats? What's their, how would you describe their um?

• 31:47Speaker 02

  It's, it's bright and fresh.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  So cats are bright and fresh and dogs are kind of, what is it, cloying and?

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Misty.

• 31:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Dank.

• 31:56Speaker 00

  Right.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  Moldy.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:57Speaker 02

  You know, lickie.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  Snotty, gaspy.

• 32:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Turds.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Turds.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  Everywhere in the parish.

• 32:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  People walking after dogs and picking shit up. Where alive from?

• 32:12Speaker 00

  It's my, you're describing my life.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  It's the, can I tell you what it is? And look, we can cut this out if it's too much. It's the temperature.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Of the dog?

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Of the turd.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  That, that's, that is, to me, is the most difficult thing about the whole affair.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  We've got two dogs. Reggie.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  The older one, slightly older, they're brother and sister, but from different litters. When Reggie's taking a shit, unbroken eye contact.

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:41Speaker 00

  Because he knows in a second, I'm gonna pick that up.

• 32:45Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:46Speaker 00

  And it's always slightly warmer than I'm anticipating.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  I don't like it.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've not, I've not done it. I wouldn't like that.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  No.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  No, I wouldn't like that.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  No.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  I wouldn't, and I'd, I imagine that you grab it.

• 32:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:58Speaker 02

  You do this and so on, but there's gonna be bits, like skid marks on the gra, you know, there's gonna be bits.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  I get you, yeah.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Unless you go, you, you.

• 33:07Speaker 00

  I'm very much like, I'm like, um, I, I, I take debris as well to completely remove.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Oh, right.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  So I will take some ground foliage as well to make completely sure.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  You do, no tool.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  So often the bags have got leaves in and twigs and stuff.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Oh, right.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  And do you use a tool or just?

• 33:24Speaker 00

  No, I, you get the bag.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  Hand in.

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  Bang.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  Bang. Yeah.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  Inside out, tighten the knot. I normally hang it on a tree, which Lisa finds offensive.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 33:36Speaker 00

  Because what I don't wanna do is be taking it all, I don't wanna take it all the way on the walk and bring it all the way back.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  Hang it on a tree, then return.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  And then I come back and get it on the way back. Whereas Lisa, she's swinging it around like a fucking knapsack.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Like a rattle. You still like a little, little miniature J C B, nice.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Um, Bob, the thing about Gone Fishing is, you're going fishing, but it's actually quite, it's a very profound show, isn't it? You, you talk about mortality, you talk about, it's sort of an existential show in a way. Was that deliberate or did that just happen?

• 34:10Speaker 02

  No, it wasn't. I think that's the nature of um, two blokes in the late sixties. No, honestly, it is, you know, we, we, we, when we edited the first few, we were very, we were basically cutting that stuff out.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 34:24Speaker 02

  But we did a little bit about the heart um, health thing, and it seemed really resonate.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  It was kind of, you know, no, all that stuff, that being included was kind of um, a gift from the audience, really.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  Because they, because they fed back that they were liking that stuff.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  Wanna hear that, just old men, not, not kind of moaning, but.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  Talking to each other about, you know, their problems and such, but when you get to this age, you, you just do it, Rom, I have one of those things.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  So that, even if the cameras weren't on you, that would be, that would be, that would be where the conversation would go.

• 34:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, when we sat by the river, you know, the, the, the nice thing about the fishing is, is you're not together um, watching football or something busy or the cinema. And you're there for hours. And yeah, that tends to happen. How's your art, Paul? How's it going? You know, or how's it going with the, with the wife or whatever? You know, that's just happens. And we didn't realise people would be interested in that.

• 35:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  I think anything that's authentic is good, isn't it?

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  You know?

• 35:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's quite, it takes, I, I, I think it takes a bit of creative bravery to do that, to be honest with you, or, or to go, we're gonna, we're ju, we're just gonna do this thing, you know?

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  But, but do you feel like, because you always strike me now as, it feels like you're doing what you want in a way.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Which is great. Um, do you feel like you've cracked it? Into, I don't mean career wise, I mean, have you cracked it? Work-life balance, happiness, contentment, whatever you wanna call it, have you done it?

• 35:53Speaker 02

  I mean, I'd like to do a bit less.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  Um, but yeah, I think I'm a very lucky lad to be doing one fishing show and one book a year.

• 36:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  That's nice. You know, Rom, I can watch the telly when I'm writing the book.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:10Speaker 02

  And telly's my life. That's what I like, that's what I do. I never go out. So I've found, you know, I've combined like a living with watching the telly. Not easy to do.

• 36:20Speaker 00

  No.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  Not easy to do.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, I find the telly quite, um, Charlie Hickson, um, when I was asking about writing a book, said you should have music on. So I tried it. He sent me some music to, to listen to, said it was good, but it, it didn't work for me.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 36:36Speaker 02

  I could hear this music.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:38Speaker 02

  Um, but the telly, I'm fine with, I can ignore it. I can ignore the telly.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  I can't, I couldn't have the telly on.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  And I can have music on.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:46Speaker 00

  But it can't have lyrics, vocals.

• 36:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  So instrumental music.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  Love it.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, he said, it was mainly Philip Glass stuff. He sent me, he was someone I didn't know, but yeah, it's just instrumental.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  Do you know, do you use Spotify?

• 37:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  So, you know, you're talking about listening to Morrissey without telling anybody?

• 37:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  Are you aware that anybody that's friends with you can see what you're listening to?

• 37:08Speaker 02

  Really?

• 37:09Speaker 00

  So it'll go, it, it's like you have like a list of people that you're.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Can I delete that function?

• 37:16Speaker 02

  Can you show me?

• 37:17Speaker 00

  I don't know. Can you delete that function? Because, because sometimes I, I will click on the thing and it goes, it will say, blah, blah, blah, listening to. Like you can see, there's like a list of people that you know and what they're listening to.

• 37:28Speaker 02

  I'm probably not on that function because I've never seen that list.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Well, I don't know. You sort of have to look for it. It doesn't, you're probably on, I mean.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  I've been listening to Mildred.

• 37:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  Greg Freeman.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  And that's about it.

• 37:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  That I'm willing to admit to.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  Okay, fine.

• 37:49Speaker 02

  Do you like the torture podcasts?

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Just saying.

• 37:55Speaker 00

  I, I, I, yeah, I, I mean, I'm, I'm into the crime podcasts, actually.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Me too. Are you Sword and Scale? No?

• 38:01Speaker 00

  No, but I've been, I've had that recommend, is it worth a spin, that?

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what, that's the one I listen to. And there's three hundred and seventy of them.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  That's a lot of murder.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  Yeah. Some of them a bit too much.

• 38:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:12Speaker 02

  I don't think, I wonder if there's been a murder, is this stuff of no use to you?

• 38:18Speaker 02

  Sorry. I wonder if there's ever been a murder where someone has like filed or grated a body away.

• 38:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, eventually. Like, uh, and then, like Nutmeg.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, they've had, they've used that tiny little grater.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  Not that prolific, which turns out, turns out it'd take about a year to get rid of each body. Fucking, I've still got. Still got, the Nutmeg killings, there you go.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:48Speaker 00

  Still got all the fucking toes to do.

• 38:53Speaker 00

  How's it going, love?

• 38:58Speaker 00

  Um, no, I, I would, I'd love to talk to you about our, well, you, you've been very supportive to me, actually, because we did the, you helped me with the, my Valentine short, of course, I don't know if you remember that.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  No, and you were lovely, Ron. Did, how did it go? Did it, did you enjoy the experience?

• 39:12Speaker 00

  Great, I loved it. Well, that was my, that was my first proper experience of writing and putting something together like that.

• 39:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:19Speaker 00

  We had Aisling Bea on. Aisling Bea very kindly agreed to be my love interest.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 39:23Speaker 00

  And, um, you were great at shepherding me through that.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, like I wouldn't know anything. It was acting and stuff, wasn't it, Ron?

• 39:31Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 39:32Speaker 02

  Well, what would I know? I did Shooting Stars.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, but you, but you know your stuff, you know your thing. I mean, the other, the, the other thing was, that was great. One of the weirdest experiences I had involved you.

• 39:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  In my career.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Really?

• 39:49Speaker 00

  Which was House of Fools. And I'm not saying it because of the show.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:53Speaker 00

  But I'm saying it because of what happened, all right?

• 39:55Speaker 02

  What did happen?

• 39:56Speaker 00

  Well, so I turned up thinking I was auditioning, right? So it was me, Tom Davis and Tony Way turned up to your offices, right? And we thought we were auditioning, but it turns out, we discovered you in the process. It had already been decided that we were going to be in it. And this was just like a, let's see how you get on, right? So we were playing this rival dance group.

• 40:20Speaker 00

  And, um, I had done a little bit of acting and just very sardonic, dry, whatever. And so you were there, Bob, and you said, okay, guys, let's read the scenes. And so we read a couple of pages. And he said, let's go again. And I think you gave a couple of notices, let's go again. So we did it again. And I think we did it about four or five times. And then you said, Romesh, here's a little thought. Can you do it really camp? Right?

• 40:51Speaker 00

  And I, I was surprised that that's what you wanted.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  But I did it.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 40:57Speaker 00

  And so.

• 41:00Speaker 00

  I did it really camp. And then you went, that's how you're doing it in the show. And that's what happened. Yeah. I, I, that's the only time I've played, I was just super camp in this.

• 41:11Speaker 05

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• 42:10Speaker 00

  It was an amazing experience, though.

• 42:12Speaker 02

  They were good for us.

• 42:13Speaker 00

  We had to learn the dance, we had to learn, because we had to learn the choreography for this dance routine.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Right.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  We had to do a dance off. Um, it was an incredible show. It was amazing. Well, it's like, people that like, I mean, that's the thing about your stuff. People that like it, love it, don't they?

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:30Speaker 00

  How, how difficult was it to make House of Fools?

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Um, it took a lot of writing.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Um, and rehearsing and stuff, but, you know, we, we tend to, both with Jim and our Paul and everything, we, we, we just work with nice people. It sounds really crass, doesn't it?

• 42:50Speaker 00

  No, it doesn't. Sorry, I didn't mean to nod like that.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  No, but you know what? But it does a bit. But, um, you know, we've been using Tony Way for a lot of years. Um, just, he, he was just a, a little bloke who came and did some, did, there was a runner or something.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:06Speaker 02

  I was like, Tony's a nice fella. Let's get him involved in stuff. Do you know what I mean?

• 43:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  And, um, that takes away a lot of problems, you know, and really a nice director who hasn't got too much of an ego and stuff and. So, yeah, oh, I think all the shows that, it's, it's weird, we've, we've, kind of, when you look back, we've given a start to quite a lot of, um, people. And it's, it's one of the things that, say, Mark Mylord, um, who's directing the new Harry Potter.

• 43:39Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 43:39Speaker 02

  He was a runner on, shoot, no, he was a runner on the Bang Bang It's Reeves and Mortimer.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Right.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  And, um, he asked us, he, he just came out after it had finished and said, um, I've heard you're doing this Shooting Stars. He's just a little boy.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:57Speaker 02

  Really. Um, can I direct it? And you're like, oh, fuck, what? What? And he says, I would love to direct it. I could do a great job. Um, and we said, well, um, we'll have a listen to it. Then unbeknownst to us, he went, knocked on the door of, um, the BBC Two control or whatever, a head of comedy or something. And strode in and said, can I just have five minutes? I want to, um, direct the next Shooting Stars. And I've spoken to Vic and Bob and they say they're all right with it. So anyway, dull story, but then, and now he's got the biggest, uh, so you feel quite good. That feels quite nice. And people, like, say, Matt Lucas.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Started with us and Dan Skinner, quite a lot, quite a lot of people.

• 44:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  Came through. He's even Paul and Charlie and them started.

• 44:46Speaker 00

  Daniel Simonson you had in House of Fools, didn't you?

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Daniel's great. And is it, you've got quite a big star in America now, isn't he, Ron?

• 44:52Speaker 00

  So he is, he is, um, in, I think he lives in New York now.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 44:56Speaker 00

  And he's doing American, he's become like a cult stand-up figure, like, because, you know, his voice, I'm not, I was about to do an impression, but then I realised I don't have it in my locker. But his, his accent and mannerisms are so funny.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 00

  But he's like, become this kind of people, like, he's really, he's become a, yeah, he's sort of a star in the States.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, that's amazing. Yeah. And he was great, he was great in House of Fools. And also the, oh, she's one of the best comedians now, her and.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  You had Ellie White, didn't you?

• 45:26Speaker 02

  Ellie White?

• 45:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you know, she just came to read a part for House of Fools because it was meant to be her flatmate who was doing it.

• 45:36Speaker 00

  Is that true?

• 45:37Speaker 02

  I probably, you could ask, if you see Ellie, ask her. She, she wasn't meant to be there.

• 45:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 45:41Speaker 02

  And she just nailed it. I mean, you know, so she, uh, I don't know if she started with us, but she was, she got.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  So she'll be very grateful. Her flatmate, I imagine, will hate you.

• 45:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. Morgana, of course, is in it as well.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, Morgana. Yeah, some good people.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Matt Berry?

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Matt Berry. He says, I don't believe it. He says the first thing he ever did was with us. He did a, um, an antiques expert that couldn't quite get. You'd say, what's this piece then? And he'd say, well, this is a nineteen seventies. Then he, he can burp at Wilmat.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Right.

• 46:16Speaker 02

  Just burp a piece, dead, very dead, dead, deadpan.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:21Speaker 02

  Um, he was so funny. If you ever, if you want to look at the, you should look at the outtakes of Matt Berry doing the antique dealer there.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  Really? Yeah.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  So funny. Um, and he says that's the first thing he did.

• 46:34Speaker 00

  So that, is that's happened by accident?

• 46:36Speaker 02

  He wouldn't lie to me about that, would he?

• 46:37Speaker 00

  Matt Berry?

• 46:38Speaker 02

  No, he wouldn't.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Oh, he's known for lying.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  He's known as a bullshitter.

• 46:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big liar. He's a big bullshitter.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  I'm seeing him straight after this. I shall say, Romesh is a bullshitter. He's full of shit, man.

• 46:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. You, you don't have to phrase it as aggressively as that, but yeah.

• 46:52Speaker 02

  No, I think I will.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  I think I'll have to can't stand the man. Can't stand the man. He's full of shit.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, something like that. Uh, I don't know. Fuck you. Something like that. Just, I don't know, put it in a message. No, I love Matt. I'm joking. Um, uh, we've got a question for my mum for you, Bob. She's recorded this for you.

• 47:13Speaker 02

  All right.

• 47:13Speaker 00

  I don't know what it says.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Hi, Bob. This is Romesh's mum. How are you?

• 47:19Speaker 02

  I'm fine, thank you.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  So funny on Would I Lie To You? Is there any story you haven't told on that show because it's too rude or too naughty for TV? If so, I'd love to hear it and love to meet you one day. Take care. God bless. Bye-bye.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  Oh, mum's great.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 02

  Let's face it.

• 47:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  They're the best, aren't they?

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, they are the best.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  Just the best.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  Mums are the best.

• 47:49Speaker 02

  Best thing.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  Um, a story that.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  She's asking if there's a story that's too rude for Would I Lie To You?

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Too rude.

• 47:57Speaker 00

  Or too, or you never, the only thing is, why would you want to deliver it here? You'd want to put it, do it on Would I Lie To You, haven't you, really?

• 48:04Speaker 02

  Hmm, that's true. I was just going to say, there was, there was one.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  Have I talked you out of it?

• 48:10Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a good point.

• 48:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was, uh, once having, um, a shepherd's pie in the Ivy Restaurant.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Down the road.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 48:21Speaker 02

  With, um, the lads from Blur.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  And I had the best pair of spectacles. They took a lot of finding, Ron. You know, real sixties.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:33Speaker 02

  Um, New York, big, thick.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  Glasses that I was so fond of. And, and I thought, now I've arrived, I, I now, I will never have to buy another pair of glasses. These are incredible.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 48:45Speaker 02

  Um, and Damon Albom tried them on, went to the toilet, realised he now looks incredible.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  And stole them from me.

• 48:57Speaker 00

  How did he steal them? What, what happened?

• 48:59Speaker 02

  He kept them on and I didn't have the balls to say, um, well, before I'd had the balls to say, could I just have the glasses back? He'd left with my glasses.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's trauma.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Have you ever spoken to him about it since?

• 49:13Speaker 02

  Never spoken. The next time I saw him, didn't speak to him.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  Because of that?

• 49:17Speaker 02

  Just culture. It's like that.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  Oh, that's like that.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:22Speaker 02

  And Van Morrison was there, so they go like that.

• 49:25Speaker 00

  Because he's brutal.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  So I'm looking at day, oh, God. All because of the glasses.

• 49:31Speaker 00

  Did you, um, and you've never spoken to him about it since?

• 49:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 49:34Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 49:35Speaker 02

  No, I mean, I, you know, it hurt at the time. Still hurts a bit now, telling the story.

• 49:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm sure it does.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  You had to picture these glasses.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  You know, like, the big square ones?

• 49:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 02

  Then they go comedy.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  You know?

• 49:50Speaker 00

  Just in the sweet spot.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Sweet, sweet spot. And I've got a wide head.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  Hmm. No, I mean, no, I don't know.

• 49:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've got, it's so, you know, that's a bit of a tricky, they need to come out.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  And then they're gone, taken from me.

• 50:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:06Speaker 02

  You know.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  Um, did you try and get another pair?

• 50:10Speaker 02

  You can't, honestly.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  There's only one of those?

• 50:12Speaker 02

  There's only one of those, yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  Right.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  They're like the golden nugget, you know, the golden ticket. They're somewhere in the world now waiting to be discovered by another fat-headed bloke.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, has he worn them since?

• 50:23Speaker 02

  I don't know. Oh, I did see him in them once, yeah. I did a picture in the press.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, horrible.

• 50:30Speaker 02

  Horrible.

• 50:31Speaker 00

  Uh, so you're an Oasis guy then?

• 50:33Speaker 02

  No, I'm, I'm a Blur guy.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, despite that?

• 50:36Speaker 02

  And I actually think his music's terrific. I like Gorillaz and I like his songs.

• 50:39Speaker 00

  But just on a personal level?

• 50:40Speaker 02

  But just that.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  That specific thing?

• 50:43Speaker 02

  That specific thing, like, honestly, it's like walking around with a corn cob up my ass.

• 50:49Speaker 02

  It's always there.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 50:53Speaker 00

  I know exactly what you mean. Weird, I know, I know too vividly what you mean.

• 50:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  I know exactly what you mean.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  I think yours is more a Lego model.

• 51:08Speaker 00

  Um, Athletico Mints, you've retired it?

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was ten years I did it, Ron, ten years.

• 51:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  And yeah, I just, I just lost the, I had no new ideas and I really liked Athletico Mints, they're so funny. And, um, yeah, just that I had no new ideas and I didn't want it to be, you know, to have a shit period.

• 51:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  So, yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  Did you, was there any part of you that thought, let's just ride out the shit period and maybe ideas will start to come again? That's what most stuff happens. I mean, we've been coasting for a couple of months now.

• 51:41Speaker 02

  You know when you coasted, don't you? Yeah. I don't know whether this feels like a coast.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  This doesn't, but I look, you know, you're talking about this now?

• 51:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:50Speaker 00

  No, this is great.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  Well, you would say that, but.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Of course I would.

• 51:54Speaker 02

  You know.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  Full disclosure, if I thought this was a coast, I wouldn't say.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  You wouldn't say, yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  No, obviously I wouldn't, but, but, but I don't think this is a coast.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  Could you not throw a bit more at it?

• 52:02Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 52:03Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Do you mean in terms of my interviewing it?

• 52:05Speaker 02

  No, no, interviewing's great. I'm having a lovely time, but in terms of, um, looking after the show.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  You know, maybe throw a bit at it.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  Like what? What would you suggest?

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Well, I might put a fucking dog in here or something. People like that.

• 52:18Speaker 00

  But that would have offended you, wouldn't it?

• 52:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, but then we'd, you know.

• 52:21Speaker 00

  Would you really, would you have enjoyed this chat more if there was a biscuity miasma?

• 52:24Speaker 02

  No, not really.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  Right.

• 52:26Speaker 02

  But the, but the public might.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, they fucking love dogs.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 52:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:30Speaker 02

  Um, Bob likes cats, bring a cat in. I'd have been so excited.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:35Speaker 02

  I don't know, it's your show, Ron.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  No, I know, but it's just you sort of throw a bit more at it, so I was wondering.

• 52:40Speaker 06

  I cut in some pictures of cats.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  Cut in pictures of cats, yeah.

• 52:43Speaker 06

  And dogs.

• 52:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's not bad.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  Show pictures with big, people with big hands.

• 52:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. What, for, for what reason?

• 52:51Speaker 02

  Would you not enjoy, if I said, blimey, God, this bloke has got the biggest hands I have ever seen.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  If I said that to you?

• 52:57Speaker 02

  And you, you'd, you'd say, no, I don't want to say it, Bob.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  No, I wouldn't say that.

• 53:02Speaker 02

  Of course you wouldn't.

• 53:02Speaker 00

  No, you've made, you, do you know what? You've made a very good point there.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  I'm not saying that it needs anything at all. It seems lovely. I've just, you said, you said we're coasting.

• 53:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're coasting.

• 53:16Speaker 02

  You're coasting.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, no, we, we, we're prone to coast, not me.

• 53:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  I'm always here.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's this lot.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  I'm talking about the team.

• 53:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  I think.

• 53:26Speaker 06

  We put a lot of effort in, okay, yeah, Karen, sorry, Ron.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, I'd love to see that on screen and in the show.

• 53:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? There's gelatin out there.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  There's Cadbury snack biscuits, which are hard to source. Honestly, they are. All sorts going on.

• 53:41Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  Very clean toilet.

• 53:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you.

• 53:44Speaker 02

  Uh, but in the.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  In here?

• 53:47Speaker 02

  In here.

• 53:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  What they're throwing out.

• 53:48Speaker 00

  How much direct benefit is this show getting?

• 53:51Speaker 02

  From this lot?

• 53:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, I'm not seeing it.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  It's like, it's like they're the removal men, yeah? They're the removal men. They came and put all this stuff. They said, yeah, here you go.

• 54:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  Go on, man.

• 54:07Speaker 00

  Fuck around with the cameras, good luck.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:10Speaker 02

  It's what it feels like.

• 54:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, I, look.

• 54:13Speaker 02

  They've all got their laptops open now, they're shopping, aren't they?

• 54:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, some of them are.

• 54:17Speaker 02

  Uniqlo.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  Do, do, do any of you own a cat?

• 54:21Speaker 02

  The, um.

• 54:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  In the psychopath test.

• 54:24Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  Um, one of the questions is, is do you prefer dogs or cats?

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 54:30Speaker 02

  And the fail, as it were.

• 54:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  Is dogs.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  Okay, quite a high fail rate then, I imagine.

• 54:37Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, well, no, that's only one of, something like four hundred, four hundred.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  Four, four, sure, sure.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  But the, the, the fail is because, of course, you can dominate.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  You can dominate a dog.

• 54:46Speaker 02

  Tell a dog what to do.

• 54:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  Dog will, you know, you can't do that with a cat.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  Well, yours does the mashed potato, doesn't it?

• 54:55Speaker 02

  It's got to make a living, no, hasn't it?

• 54:59Speaker 02

  I mean, it's minimum wage, but, you know, it's got to make a living.

• 55:04Speaker 00

  Would you be buried with a cat, Bob?

• 55:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, that would be nice.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  No, that would be really nice if our deaths coincided.

• 55:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, if they didn't, how far would you be willing to push it?

• 55:13Speaker 02

  So with my last breath, I break its neck.

• 55:18Speaker 02

  Is that what you're suggesting?

• 55:23Speaker 02

  Well, it might, I know that makes it sound awful, but.

• 55:26Speaker 00

  Okay, no.

• 55:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I'm suggesting. You wouldn't do that.

• 55:35Speaker 02

  I wouldn't, of course I wouldn't do that. Um, I know recently that I found out that a daddy long legs poison is one of the most poisonous venoms.

• 55:44Speaker 00

  They're not poisonous, are they?

• 55:46Speaker 02

  They really are.

• 55:46Speaker 00

  Daddy long legs?

• 55:47Speaker 02

  Daddy long.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  Crane fly?

• 55:48Speaker 02

  A crane fly. Its poison is one of the, like, right up, post-cobra and that. But it's such a tiny amount that you'd like need to harvest five hundred thousand.

• 56:00Speaker 00

  Keep them in a sack?

• 56:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, squeeze it, yeah.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Squeeze that juice out.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  I, I cannot believe crane flies have got venom.

• 56:08Speaker 02

  I don't, poison, I don't know whether venom's snake, I think, but.

• 56:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  Poison.

• 56:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  Um, so I thought I'd drop that in.

• 56:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, nice.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:17Speaker 02

  Have you ever seen maple bean harvested, maple syrup?

• 56:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  That's a cracker.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 56:24Speaker 02

  Forest.

• 56:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  Forest, just trunks, trunks, trunks, as far as the eyes can see.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  They smack in.

• 56:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:30Speaker 02

  Um, a little pipe.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 56:33Speaker 02

  And join a rubber pipe to it.

• 56:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:35Speaker 02

  And then that rubber pipe goes into like a, a channel.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  So all these trees, thousands of them, are all dripping into this channel.

• 56:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:44Speaker 02

  And then by the time it gets to the processing place at the bottom, it's a little river.

• 56:49Speaker 00

  A similar process to what I guess you'd have to do with a lot of crane flies.

• 56:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, for a tiny little pin up their ass.

• 56:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, you could do it on a small, yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  Tidy scale.

• 57:02Speaker 02

  I don't know, maybe one of your, um, production.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:06Speaker 02

  Could find that out now. They, I am telling you the truth.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. No, I believe you. Um, Catherine Ryan loves maple syrup.

• 57:13Speaker 02

  It is beautiful stuff.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:15Speaker 02

  It's beautiful stuff. Do you prefer the thin, I'd say, English pancake or the thicker American one, Ron?

• 57:20Speaker 00

  Um, I like the, I like the thick American ones, to be honest with you.

• 57:25Speaker 02

  No, they're good.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  But that's quite, that's quite a controversial take.

• 57:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think of them as different things. Some, sometimes I want the big one, absorb loads of maple syrup.

• 57:35Speaker 00

  Right.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  And then some days, no, just lemon and sugar.

• 57:38Speaker 00

  Lemon and sugar.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  Just lemon and sugar.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  How, obviously you've talked about your, you know, your health issues and your journey with that. How healthy are you living now, Bob? What do you have to, what are your? Do, do you have sugar and stuff like that?

• 57:50Speaker 02

  I have, um, I, I have a lot of sugar.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 57:56Speaker 02

  Um, I've tried to reduce my animal fat intake.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  Um.

• 58:00Speaker 00

  Is it right, I'm, I'm sure that when we did the last one laughing press day, you said something to me like you've been reduced to a matchbox worth of cheese.

• 58:09Speaker 02

  That's the advice, yeah. That's tough, Ron, if you like your cheese.

• 58:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, you love your cheese, don't you?

• 58:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I love dairy stuff, I love animal fat.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  I used to, sometimes, like if.

• 58:20Speaker 00

  So it doesn't have to be in a cheese, you would have it pure?

• 58:22Speaker 02

  Honestly, I, sometimes when I was younger, I used to pass a horse and just bite into it, just to get a bit of fatty stuff.

• 58:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I get it.

• 58:29Speaker 02

  The top of its leg. Just love it. I've just always been drawn to fats, you know? I think they're very essential, the, the, the science on that.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  What did you just say? I think they're very what?

• 58:39Speaker 02

  Essential.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  Oh, right. I'd be honest with you, I thought you said sexual. That, that, that, that, that is honestly what I thought. I was doing that to protect you as much as I said.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  I mean, the, the science on it's very fluid at the moment, you know, like, um, I've got a big beef with Lepak.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  Okay, what's the problem?

• 58:58Speaker 02

  What is Lepak?

• 59:00Speaker 00

  It's butter, right?

• 59:01Speaker 02

  Well, that's the thing.

• 59:03Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  It isn't.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  Right.

• 59:05Speaker 02

  And I don't like that.

• 59:07Speaker 00

  So what is it?

• 59:08Speaker 02

  It's a sort of processed swirl of rape seed oil.

• 59:12Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  And, oh, sorry, Lepak spreadable.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  Okay, sorry.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  Sorry, I have no castor versions on the tin foil.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  On Lepak as an umbrella company. It's this specific variant.

• 59:23Speaker 02

  It's Lepak spread. Anyway, so I'm just saying, a lot of people are out saying, no, cook in lard and animal fat.

• 59:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  Eat proper butter, eat cream.

• 59:32Speaker 00

  Are you supposed to cook in lard now?

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Well, as I say, Romesh, you can, you can, nowadays on the internet, you can find whatever you want to find. If I want to say, can I find some advice that says eat animal fat?

• 59:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're looking for confirmation bias, yeah, yeah.

• 59:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, so who knows?

• 59:49Speaker 00

  So are you cooking in lard?

• 59:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 59:51Speaker 00

  Okay, are you?

• 59:52Speaker 02

  Sleeping in lard.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 59:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, living in.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  Lardy life.

• 59:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  Lardy da.

• 1:00:01Speaker 00

  I believe that's the etymology of the phrase.

• 1:00:03Speaker 02

  Mister Lardy Da, big fat fella, walking round Middlesbrough, it's Mister Lardy Da. Hello, my heart's fucked.

• 1:00:15Speaker 02

  But it's a good life.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  So no, you try, but you take your pills.

• 1:00:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  Um, and you do a bit of exercise. I've got some weights. That's it. Watch the tally.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good. Yeah.

• 1:00:33Speaker 02

  Something. And like about once every six weeks, um, I mean, the wife hire an Airbnb and go walking. And I can still do it. I can still do five or six miles.

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  Are you counting your steps every day?

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  Oh, no. Shall I see what I've done? Or is that no interest? Cause it's terrible.

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  I'm trying to do ten thousand a day.

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  It's a lot, Ron. It's a lot.

• 1:00:54Speaker 00

  It's a lot.

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  It's, what would that be? If you did a walk, just a straight walk.

• 1:00:58Speaker 00

  Ten thousand miles, but ten thousand steps.

• 1:01:00Speaker 02

  Two hours.

• 1:01:01Speaker 00

  Something like that. Hour and forty, hour and forty, probably.

• 1:01:05Speaker 02

  Let's have a look. I do apologize.

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  No, that's all right.

• 1:01:08Speaker 02

  For the lull.

• 1:01:09Speaker 00

  One hour thirty five, Bob.

• 1:01:10Speaker 02

  That's pretty good.

• 1:01:11Speaker 00

  If you wanna get ten thousand steps.

• 1:01:14Speaker 02

  That's pretty good, Ron, isn't it?

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:16Speaker 02

  My average steps, um, are one thousand three hundred and forty eight.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  I think that's pretty good.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  I don't. I've got no idea.

• 1:01:27Speaker 02

  I think it's pretty good. Look at me, Jesus Christ. I've got heft this around town.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  You're in, you're, you're in fine fettle, Bob.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  Thank you, Ron.

• 1:01:36Speaker 00

  I actually think you're, I mean, you're a sexy guy, aren't you? But there's no getting around it, is there?

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  Do you know what? There isn't, there's a.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:01:44Speaker 02

  I don't know what it is.

• 1:01:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:45Speaker 02

  There's a miasma, miasma around me.

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:49Speaker 02

  Which is just jazz.

• 1:01:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got a jazzy miasma.

• 1:01:52Speaker 02

  You're more jazzy.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  A my jasma.

• 1:01:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, a my jasma. I bought, I bought my granddad a snowboard for Christmas.

• 1:02:02Speaker 00

  You bought your granddad a snowboard for Christmas? Snowboard?

• 1:02:05Speaker 02

  Snowboard.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:02:06Speaker 02

  For Christmas this year.

• 1:02:08Speaker 00

  This year?

• 1:02:09Speaker 02

  Yes, last year.

• 1:02:15Speaker 02

  He's been going downhill ever since.

• 1:02:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Something like that.

• 1:02:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  You know?

• 1:02:25Speaker 00

  What about the dental stuff? Are you still self administering?

• 1:02:28Speaker 02

  No, I got, these are all, um, implants.

• 1:02:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got an implant.

• 1:02:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. How did you find it? All right?

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  Well, you know, they've got to, it's the first bit that I find, that I found the most, uh, tricky. You know, when they put the steel rod?

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:43Speaker 00

  And then they've got to put like a falsi on there.

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  To see if it takes or whatever.

• 1:02:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:49Speaker 00

  That's the bit I found the most.

• 1:02:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not bad though, is it?

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  Apparently, well, apparently, so which one, which ones are implants? All the top?

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  All the tops implants. So there's, it's three pieces.

• 1:02:59Speaker 00

  So do you know they're like, that's like a hundred times stronger than normal teeth?

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  That's what they say, but my front three came out last week.

• 1:03:06Speaker 00

  Okay, so that's bollocks then.

• 1:03:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:08Speaker 00

  They came out?

• 1:03:09Speaker 02

  The, you know, rod surrounded by porcelain.

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:13Speaker 02

  The porcelain just came off, so I was just left with the two, two pegs.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  The two rods?

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  How long did he stay like that for?

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  Um, only, um, a day.

• 1:03:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  Um, but you know, I've had problems with, I, I was once gonna do Sunday brunch.

• 1:03:28Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  And the day before, a whole lot came out.

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:31Speaker 02

  Top, so I, um, so I couldn't go on the show.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  What triggered that? Like, were you eating an apple or something?

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  No, it's just neglect. It was actually a, um, a Kit Kat Chunky that did for them.

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  On that particular occasion?

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  It's weird in life and it's so innocent.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  It's like a bright red Kit Kat.

• 1:03:52Speaker 00

  Chunky.

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  Chunky, and then chunky.

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. Bang, ah.

• 1:03:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Speaker 02

  Cause it was one unit then, so when it went, the whole lot went. Yeah.

• 1:04:01Speaker 00

  Did you finish the Kit Kat?

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  I'd like to think so. Fuck it.

• 1:04:10Speaker 00

  Just peg it.

• 1:04:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  Just peg the rest of it. Um, right, Bob, we're gonna play a little game with you now.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  Go on then.

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  It's called misquoted.

• 1:04:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:04:19Speaker 00

  I'm gonna say some things that you may or may not have said.

• 1:04:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:04:21Speaker 00

  And you've just got to tell me whether you said them or not.

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

  No jeopardy, but it's a little bit.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  It's a bit saucy, is it?

• 1:04:29Speaker 00

  It's not saucy. I don't think it's saucy. Unless you wanna make it saucy.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  Please, no.

• 1:04:32Speaker 00

  Okay. So you want this completely clean?

• 1:04:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:35Speaker 00

  Okay. Um, did you or did you not say this? At one point, I was putting seventeen sugars in my tea.

• 1:04:45Speaker 02

  I said that, cause I used to. Oh, hold on a minute.

• 1:04:49Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:04:51Speaker 02

  Sixteen.

• 1:04:55Speaker 00

  You're trying to make a game of this, aren't you, Bob?

• 1:04:57Speaker 02

  No, I, I said that.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  You said, at one point, I was putting seventeen sugars in my tea to the Guardian in twenty nineteen.

• 1:05:03Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 1:05:04Speaker 00

  Um, apparently you said eighteen is, eighteen's too much.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  That was always the thing. I, I, I, I often, I often think, Ron, like, um, you see, it was different times. Funny how things change and that. I'm sat there with my mom at the table.

• 1:05:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:18Speaker 02

  Putting that in.

• 1:05:19Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:05:19Speaker 02

  And she's not saying anything.

• 1:05:20Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  And, and so, you know, it wasn't, and it was delicious.

• 1:05:25Speaker 00

  So to you, it's normalized. You, you're just going, I, this doesn't feel unusual to me because nobody's flagging this, right?

• 1:05:30Speaker 02

  Well, you know, we say like with Michael, it's like, um, looking back and trying to find what, you know, the events in your life that, that really, really left a deep mark. I look back, I started taking all the sugar.

• 1:05:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:46Speaker 02

  Just after my dad died.

• 1:05:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:05:48Speaker 02

  And then I'd never made that connection before.

• 1:05:50Speaker 00

  How interesting.

• 1:05:51Speaker 02

  Cause it's a bit of a, I think it's a bit of a mood changing thing, sugar. So that, yeah.

• 1:05:56Speaker 00

  But you, I think, it makes sense, doesn't it? Cause you sort of think you're going through it and then sugar is a comfort, isn't it?

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:03Speaker 00

  And so you're like, this is something that I'm, I'm resting on. How many, are you still, how many are you having now?

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  I'm having, I sometimes indulge in five, but I try to keep to three.

• 1:06:12Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 1:06:13Speaker 02

  It's not as nice.

• 1:06:14Speaker 00

  No, of course not. If you're doing seventeen.

• 1:06:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:18Speaker 00

  Does it, does it change the, the viscosity?

• 1:06:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, no, it gives it a silkiness.

• 1:06:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:06:24Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 1:06:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, got you. Here's your next one, Bob. Uh, my costume was covered in piss. Did you or did you not say that?

• 1:06:32Speaker 02

  I did say that.

• 1:06:34Speaker 00

  Do you remember what context that was?

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  We, I was, as Davy Stott and Donald Stott, we were interviewing Mr. Sting. All right, Sting, how you doing? Like, you would like some pork pie? And, um, Jim. Cause we didn't, we, we, we did, you know, we didn't really know what we're gonna ask him. We had a couple, we had a couple to start it. How do you think you ever put your ass outside of the window, your bedroom window to let it dry in the breeze? But whatever, whatever we were saying to him. And Jim got up and said, Mr. Sting, do you have a big red sports car? And I thought, but it just got me and I just, and I wet myself.

• 1:07:23Speaker 02

  And you can see it on the, I've got these yellow trousers on. You'll see them change. And I also wet myself when we were doing something called the Weekenders with Paul Whitehouse.

• 1:07:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:34Speaker 00

  Um, is that the only two times you pissed yourself?

• 1:07:36Speaker 02

  I think so, yeah.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  Hmm. I pissed myself in front of an agent, comedy agent once.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:07:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  What fear all after?

• 1:07:43Speaker 00

  No, neither actually. I, I, um, I was between agents.

• 1:07:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:07:48Speaker 00

  And I was in Edinburgh and he said to me, we should go out for a few beers to get to know each other, to see if you wanna, if we wanna have a working relationship. I'd already had a couple of drinks before meeting him. I had a couple of beers. Then I said, I'm walking back to my flat. And he said, where are you? And I said, I'm the other side of the meadows. He said, me too. And so we're walking across the meadows and I needed, I started to urgently need a piss, you know, when you had a few beers. But for some reason, I thought it would be inappropriate to go behind a bush. Cause I thought we might be having a working relationship. So I thought I could stall this out. But then it became too desperate.

• 1:08:21Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:08:22Speaker 00

  So initially, I thought I could release a little bit of pressure by doing a small, uh, piss. Like a unnoticed one, just to, uh, so I did a little bit and stopped. It was raining and it was dark.

• 1:08:34Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:08:35Speaker 00

  Just for context. Um, and then we carried, I carried on walking and that had made it worse, that little pressure releasing. And I really needed to go. Um, and we still had quite a way to go. So then I made the conscious decision to just slowly piss myself.

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, because once you open the tap.

• 1:08:51Speaker 00

  It's over.

• 1:08:52Speaker 02

  They're all going, come on.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:54Speaker 02

  And then they're stopped at the door.

• 1:08:56Speaker 00

  Come on out.

• 1:08:57Speaker 02

  Bang on it.

• 1:08:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when I said goodnight to him, cause I thought I'd got away with it. It was raining, it was dark. We'd both had a few drinks. I said goodnight to him and my jeans had steam coming off them. Here's your next one. Did you say this? I always wanted to be one of those hair models you see on the windows of hairdressers.

• 1:09:15Speaker 02

  I'd say no.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  Correct, Bob.

• 1:09:18Speaker 02

  Hey.

• 1:09:18Speaker 00

  It's quite similar to something, well, it's not similar, in the same area. I always wanted to be a hairdresser. I think I'd be pretty good at it.

• 1:09:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  Guardian twenty twelve.

• 1:09:27Speaker 02

  I still believe that.

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  You still think you'd be a good hairdresser?

• 1:09:29Speaker 02

  I haven't given up on that dream.

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  Right. What, uh, men or women or both?

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  Men.

• 1:09:34Speaker 00

  Okay. And what sort of styles do you think you'd do?

• 1:09:37Speaker 02

  I would, uh, there's, there's, when in the eighties, I used to cut people's hair, friends' hair and stuff. And I used to do what was called, uh, north was called a froffer, which was a little bit like Rod Stewart's.

• 1:09:47Speaker 00

  Hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, um, now I just do a standard Turkish.

• 1:09:54Speaker 02

  Two up to seven, whatever.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  Right, yeah. Like a fade?

• 1:09:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:58Speaker 02

  I do a good fade.

• 1:09:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. You do a good fade?

• 1:10:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I promise you, yeah.

• 1:10:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:03Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm not, this is hardly hair, but I cut my own.

• 1:10:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. Um, all right, here's your last one, Bob.

• 1:10:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:14Speaker 00

  Did you or did you not say this? Offer me a herbal tea and I will deliver a fart so dense and multi-layered that your face will bend in on itself and become a butter dish.

• 1:10:26Speaker 02

  I said that, yeah.

• 1:10:27Speaker 00

  You did. It was, uh, you tweeted it.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  Did I tweet it?

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  Get me?

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  Twenty nineteen. Um, are you a gassy person, would you say?

• 1:10:35Speaker 02

  I don't think so. My wife may say differently.

• 1:10:37Speaker 00

  Hmm. Um, do you revel in your farts?

• 1:10:40Speaker 02

  A little bit. I don't know. You've got three boys.

• 1:10:43Speaker 00

  Hmm. Oh, yeah, they love it.

• 1:10:45Speaker 02

  They love it.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  My farts, they love.

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  They love it and my wife hates it.

• 1:10:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:49Speaker 02

  So it's kind of that sort of.

• 1:10:51Speaker 00

  But say if you, if you were sat with your wife now, not doing a podcast, you know, you're sat, I don't know, TV's over there. Like, do you mind showing me how would you, if you needed to fart, if the, if, if you had to fart?

• 1:11:04Speaker 02

  I would go.

• 1:11:07Speaker 02

  Always do it.

• 1:11:07Speaker 00

  So you're masking it?

• 1:11:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't want to get into trouble.

• 1:11:09Speaker 00

  Sure. But she knows, she must know what's going on.

• 1:11:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, she says, I know what you're doing.

• 1:11:16Speaker 00

  Would she fart in front of you?

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:11:18Speaker 00

  No, okay, interesting.

• 1:11:19Speaker 02

  It's weird though, cause, cause the, the presence of her there is what makes it funny for us boys.

• 1:11:24Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 1:11:25Speaker 02

  If we're just sat there watching the football, we just fart and no one comments.

• 1:11:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:29Speaker 02

  But mum's there.

• 1:11:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:30Speaker 02

  So it becomes a giggle.

• 1:11:32Speaker 00

  Right, yeah. Yeah. Um, you're, offer me a herbal tea and I'll deliver a fart so dense and multi-layered that your face will bend in on itself and become a butter dish.

• 1:11:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a promise that.

• 1:11:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a promise, but it's so beautifully worded.

• 1:11:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:11:46Speaker 00

  And I think there's lots of that in Michael. There, there's so much of it. There, there, there are bits where

• 1:11:54Speaker 00

  you're describ-, you know, Michael's describing a scene and what, and the, the, the imagery is so beautiful. Is that something you've always been good at?

• 1:12:02Speaker 02

  I think probably it might be the only thing that I'm good at. Do you know what I mean? That, that's, that I've got a a little, a little tiny skill that would make it sort of worth picking up rather than another. I think, no, I think my biggest thing is that I think that people buy the book who like what I've done.

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:12:23Speaker 02

  And they can always read it in my voice.

• 1:12:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:27Speaker 02

  And I think that gives it a little push to a little bit of accessibility, you know?

• 1:12:33Speaker 00

  Well, I think what you've nailed with this book, if you don't mind me saying, Bob, is you have written a book that I think is unexpected from you in terms of the story and the concept.

• 1:12:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:12:44Speaker 00

  But regardless of that is undeniably Bob Mortimer.

• 1:12:48Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  You know, like in terms of the humour in it, the way everything's described, the wording of it, I feel like I'm reading a book by you. But it's such a cool idea. It's, it's so beautifully executed. It's a great, it's great.

• 1:12:59Speaker 02

  Did you spot the ending?

• 1:13:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:13:02Speaker 02

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:13:03Speaker 00

  I didn't. And I'm embarrassed to say that even when you said, Michael says in the book, you've probably guessed it by now, I felt like such a thicko.

• 1:13:15Speaker 00

  Because I hadn't.

• 1:13:16Speaker 02

  You hadn't. Oh, that's not, well, that's nice for me.

• 1:13:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. No, it's great. Um, now, Bob, we like to end the podcast on a big moment.

• 1:13:23Speaker 02

  Okay. I can peel a hard-boiled egg in one so that there's.

• 1:13:28Speaker 00

  So that it's just one single shell?

• 1:13:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um,

• 1:13:34Speaker 02

  that's about it.

• 1:13:35Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:13:35Speaker 02

  I mean, I can click my ears.

• 1:13:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:40Speaker 02

  It used to be up to.

• 1:13:41Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:13:41Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 1:13:44Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 1:13:45Speaker 02

  I'm usually a bit better than that.

• 1:13:48Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:13:49Speaker 02

  Oh. You did your.

• 1:13:51Speaker 00

  I did my Tunbridge Wells.

• 1:13:54Speaker 02

  We all sit there in Tunbridge Wells. Hi.

• 1:13:58Speaker 02

  I'm not doing it very well. I'm very good at it.

• 1:14:01Speaker 02

  Anyway, that's, um, it's hard to say that's a talent, no.

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  Uh, something you haven't said publicly before?

• 1:14:09Speaker 02

  Show Ranga Nathan Romesh the. Never said that.

• 1:14:13Speaker 00

  Perfect.

• 1:14:14Speaker 02

  The what though?

• 1:14:16Speaker 00

  Pardon?

• 1:14:16Speaker 02

  See, if they put some work in, that could be an item.

• 1:14:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Speaker 02

  Show Ranga Nathan Romesh the.

• 1:14:22Speaker 00

  Something.

• 1:14:23Speaker 02

  Something, yeah.

• 1:14:24Speaker 00

  Show Romesh Ranga Nathan the.

• 1:14:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay, good. There you go. You've given us an idea. Um.

• 1:14:29Speaker 02

  Or just clean the toilets.

• 1:14:34Speaker 02

  You know, whichever, whichever you think's contributing most. It's like, I don't know.

• 1:14:40Speaker 00

  Um, Bob, it's been such a pleasure to talk to you.

• 1:14:43Speaker 02

  Well, thank you for having me.

• 1:14:44Speaker 00

  You're a proper legend. These guys, it's a dream come true for this team.

• 1:14:48Speaker 02

  Well, thank you for having me.

• 1:14:49Speaker 00

  Um, they haven't stopped banging on about it and you haven't disappointed. You've been brilliant. Please give it up for the legendary Bob Mortimer, everybody.

• 1:15:01Speaker 00

  Thank you so much for watching and listening to this episode. Before you go, if you've enjoyed this episode and you've not subscribed, that's a bold decision, crazy behaviour. Follow and subscribe to the Romesh Ranga Nathan Show wherever you listen. It helps me really, like, really helps me. It helps the team and it costs you absolutely nothing. We drop episodes every Monday and Thursday. Mondays, I'm joined by great guests. Thursdays, my mum Shadi joins me to answer your questions and family dilemmas. I'll see you Thursday with mum who, let's face it, is who you're actually here for. If you've got a problem you want to solve or a story you want to share, send it to [email protected], voice note or text us on oh seven seven three one six two three three five five.

• 1:15:42Speaker 00

  We can't promise good advice, but you might end up on the show. See you soon.

• 1:15:47Speaker 03

  Oh, shut up, Romesh.

• 1:15:51Speaker 04

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