Stop Letting Your Boss Disrespect You

Some conversations go bad before the other person even has a chance to respond. In this episode, I’m reacting to some of the internet’s most insane texts between bosses and employees—and breaking down exactly where the communication went wrong. From guilt trips and threats to ignored boundaries and a complete lack of empathy, these exchanges are a masterclass in what not to do. Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/newsletter Thank you to our Sponsors: Every Dollar. Try EveryDollar Premium free for 14 days, full access, on me. Go to https://everydollar.com/jefferson BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/book Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/topic Join my School of Communication. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/membership Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher Follow me on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@justaskjefferson?lang=en Follow me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffersonfisher/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Today I'm looking at the internet's most insane boss texts. What went well, what went poorly, and how to fix it. Let's go. The boss says, "Good evening. I was reviewing the cameras from our shift today and noticed that you were sitting on a stool for the majority of your shift. This is completely unacceptable behavior and we will be discussing it tomorrow before the shift." Okay, here's what I, you know, you want to know what I hate about this right here? I don't see any question. There's no question mark in this. There's no room for curiosity. This message right here by this boss was sent not out of a moment of concern, but out of a moment to critique. That, that's the position of this message. So right here, this boss already starts it off.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  The, the compass is already, the heading is already going to lead them very far off of the message and it's going to go off the rails instantly. I, I can already tell. What I would have wanted from this boss, what would have fixed it is to say, "Hey, good evening. I was looking at the cameras today from our shift and noticed that you were sitting on the stool. Are you okay? Is everything all right? How are you feeling?" Any, any type of anything that could have shown concern for the actual human, rather than going straight to, "I've decided that this is unacceptable. There's no reason for this, none whatsoever, no excuse. And also, we will be discussing it tomorrow before the shift."

• 1:25Speaker 00

  That's an instant way of getting defensiveness and somebody to immediately clam up on you. And that's exactly what happens. Employee responds, "I cleared it with," looks like the lead manager, "I have two broken bones in my left foot. Doctor documented." That sounds pretty reasonable to me. "Aside from that, I worked the entirety of my shift, 12 full hours. I'm not sure if you're aware, but we do have a rank list for packing displayed directly above our stations. My efforts today earned me first place. So just to be clear, my impressive performance was overshadowed by the fact that I wasn't comfortable enough while doing it?" Okay. I hear the sentiment. I feel that. That's, that's justified. The language is not.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  I am fully in favor of this employee saying, "Hey, I have two broken bones here. I don't appreciate the message you just gave me. I have two broken bones. Thanks for asking." Right? I understand that. It's, everything else, what I would have wanted to see from this employee is the first sentence. "I cleared it with so-and-so and I have two broken bones in my left foot. Doctor documented." Period. End of it. Not all this aside, not all this, you know, um, what is very a condescending rhetorical question at the end, that's not going to do them any favors. Again, I understand the anger that's behind this and frankly, it's, it's deserved. I would have wanted just to see the first question and that probably would have cleared it up.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Boss continues, "I'm really not appreciating your attitude." Oh, really? "You could have just said the first part where it was cleared with another lead instead of being disrespectful. Hmm. This type of behavior isn't going to get you anywhere here." Ah, okay. Three things I hate about this response. Okay? One, "I'm really not appreciating your attitude." That's the sentence that this boss led with. Yeah, well, you know what, boss? You were the one who started with this attitude, so don't dish it out if you can't take it. Second is, "Instead of being disrespectful." That phrase, "Instead of being disrespectful." Well, again, don't dish it out if you can't take it. You were the one who opened with disrespect rather than leading with any human concern of any level.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  And third, "This type of behavior isn't going to get you anywhere here." That's puffery. That's measuring. That's, "Hey, let me pull rank, just so you know." That's not going to get you anywhere. I, I'm in charge here. I'm the one. That's, that's, that's ego, right there. That screams ego, thinking that the employee is just going to back down. Well, as you can imagine, that's exactly the opposite of what this employee does. Employee responds, "Hey, thanks for wasting my precious off time with some garbage you didn't bother to investigate beforehand. Seriously, what you claim to be the pinnacle of performance there, I achieved it and I get grief because I was sitting while doing it. You guys need to get your priorities straight. It's no wonder that you have such difficulties retaining staff.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  I'm not concerned with going anywhere there. It's a toxic environment with ignorant people at the helm. I won't be in tomorrow or ever again." Boss responds, "Hey, we don't need to rush to you leaving." Oh yeah, you got caught. Yeah, you got, your bluff got called. "Let's talk in the morning and we can sort this out." Employee responds, "No, thanks. Have a good life." Yeah, I want, I know, I wonder if the boss was sitting down when he watched the video footage. That's what I want to know. This whole exchange could have been avoided by one single thing, and that is the first sentence that this boss begins with. That first sentence is what sets the, the north star of this conversation. And when you lead with, "I know exactly what's happened.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  I know why you did it and I don't share any care for you at all." You're always going to set it up to where the other person's going to get defensive and they're going to come back with 10 times more resentment because you failed to ask a single question and a simple one. And that is, "Are you okay?" This boss failed because he led with criticism and critique rather than any show of concern. Okay, here we have another one. Employee sends a text, says, "Taking a flex day tomorrow." Boss responds, "You know, this is going to screw everyone else over tomorrow. We don't have anyone to run your route." I want to address this in reverse. The boss responds, "You know, this is going to screw everyone else over tomorrow."

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Full stop, right there. That's guilt. That's a guilt trip. You know that your actions are harming all these other people for whom you do not have a responsibility for. So I'm using their feelings as leverage to get you to do what I want you to do. That is called a guilt trip and you don't lead with that. "We don't have anyone to run your route." Question, is that the employee's problem? A boss makes a poor choice when you leave with a guilt trip and then follow that up with a business issue that is not within the employee's control. What did you expect this employee to do?

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Here's what I would have preferred this boss to say. Here's what would have fixed it is if the text had begun with company policy or the policy states, or "I can't permit that under the policy." Anything that says rules, policy, guidelines, anything that is an objective standard would have fixed this because when you see the employee saying, "Taking a flex day tomorrow." Yes, I see that the, the message seems to be sent later in the day. And yes, I see that the day they're requesting off for is the very next day, but I see the word flex.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  So I assume this is defined somewhere and I assume it's allowed because the employee is responding to this as if it's, yeah, this is happening. This is my flex day to take and I'm going to take it now. So the response to handle this kind of stuff is not even so much in the conversation as it is, you're preparing for it long in advance. And that begins with the guidelines of how you set up notice for these kinds of things. Is there, is there a notice policy? Is there a, "Hey, this, the company policy states that I need, that we need 24 hours in advance or three days notice for this." Or, "I would love for you to take a flex day." And I think that's great. Unfortunately, this does not meet the three day notice requirement. I'm happy to give you a flex day on this date."

• 8:01Speaker 00

  That makes sense to me. "You know, this is going to screw everyone else over tomorrow. We don't have anyone to run your route." That is a sure way of not gaining any goodwill in a business. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about the EveryDollar app. Listen, financial money conversations are hard. Some of the hardest conversations that I have, have to help people navigate are conversations about money, conversations about the budget. What do you not have enough of? What are you spending too much on? It brings anxiety. It brings conflict. It brings what? Arguments. And sometimes what you really need is a plan. Here enters the EveryDollar app. It is a common sense approach app that's built by my very good friend, Dave Ramsey,

• 8:44Speaker 00

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• 9:29Speaker 00

  free. Go check it out. And now let's keep going. Okay, next one. Boss sends a text, says, "Hey, Becky canceled on Saturday. I'll need you to come in and cover for her." Employee responds, "That's not my problem. Saturday is my day off and I've been working eight days straight and really need it." Boss responds, "I'm sorry, we're short-staffed. I need you." All right. Right there.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  This is where it all went wrong. I'm sorry, we're short-staffed. I need you. Okay, stop. Backup. Let's go to the top. Hey, Becky canceled on Saturday. I'll need you to come in and cover for her. There's no request there. It's a demand. Employee says, that's not my problem. Saturday is my day off and I've been working eight days straight and really need it. First, good on the employee for putting a boundary. That's, that's a fair boundary. I've been working eight days straight and I really need it.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  And rather than, hey, absolutely. Take your time. I'll ask somebody else. It's, I'm sorry, we're short-staffed. I need you. If we look at the first text, it's not a request. It's a demand. I'll need you to come in and cover for her. It's not the question of, hey, Becky canceled on Saturday. Can you cover for her? Question mark of given the choice. Says, no, I'll need you to come in and cover for her. When, when the employee puts up a reasonable boundary, the boss says, I'm sorry, we're short-staffed. I need you. Employee says, I'm not coming in. So boss responds, you have to. I'll see you Saturday. No, you won't. I'm not coming in. You can't make me.

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Good on the employee, again, for putting up a boundary. No, I'm not going. You can't make me. I have my time off. I've been working eight days. The answer is no. This is where it turns ugly. The boss responds, here's a question. It's not a good one. You sure you want to do this? Question mark. That's, that's a threat. It's a threat level question. You really want to put your health insurance on the line? Okay, this, this is unacceptable on all levels. You really want to put your health insurance on the line? That's, she's trying to threaten her with health coverage. Was saying, oh, I have your health insurance. You have to work here to have it. So you need health insurance. So yeah, I own you. That's what this is.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  I own you type language. Employee responds, what are you gonna do? Fire me? I know you are short-staffed after Hunter and Paige quit last week and you were already short on bartenders. Boss responds, I don't accept that type of attitude, though has no problem giving it. Last chance, the boss says. I'll see you Saturday or I won't see you again. So it's, it's a game of chicken. Trying to draw the line and ultimatum. It's really undeserved. Employee responds, did you really just threaten me with health insurance? Good on you. Whatever, I'm done with this. You can consider this my notice. I've had enough of your ish. Okay, well, you know what? I don't blame her or him. Here's what's acceptable.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  Acceptable is asking someone if they're available to cover a shift because some, sometimes they might for overtime or they, they have that opportunity. What's not acceptable is what this boss just put a clinic on. Making demands, threatening, using health insurance as some kind of barter, some kind of chip to negotiate with. And then three, making an ultimatum, making an ultimatum that they are to do as they say, jump when they say jump or they are fired. This is an I own you mentality. That is a toxic, corrupt way to run any business.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  Okay, um, this is a work memo, apparently taped to the wall while the boss was, had left her out of town. Is this, is this real? This, this, this is insane right here. This is, this is crazy. Attention employees of wherever, in all caps. Work is not meant to be fun. This is your job. Do not dedicate work time to discussion of non-work topics. Do not facilitate friendships during work hours. Exchange phone numbers and slash or hang out after work is complete. Reach me at wherever.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  If a coworker is having non-work discussions on company time, work is not your daycare truth. Okay, and this is with what? A minion? This is, man, they really missed the mark. If they're trying to emphasize no fun of putting a minion in it. Well, this, this memo is, it's, it's garbage. This, this memo, uh, one, it's a crime that everything is in all caps. First off, um, that's, that's, that should be a criminal offense. Two, don't use a minion like this. All right, that's, that's your next criminal offense. This, they're for only fun things.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  Three, of course, work is for all kinds of discussion. And in fact, sometimes at work, you need to discuss things that are non-work. To not facilitate friendships? What do you, what do you, what kind of business are they trying to, to run? If you are an employee of this place, um, you need to find another job. One, whoever made this sign, um, is not worth working for. First off, just grammatically formatting, clip art, all fail. So if this is any indication of the work conditions there, you need to get out fast. Okay, next up, I have a text message from a boss.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Context is the employee is flying back from a family funeral trip. Boss sends the text, oh boy, it says, are you planning on getting your work day done on flight or making up this weekend? I mean, read the room. I mean, my goodness, um, this employee is coming back from a funeral. To me, funerals are these, these spaces that are sacred. You have one chance, one opportunity to honor a life of somebody. And if there is anything that you need to go to for somebody that's been in your life

• 16:10Speaker 00

  and that influenced on your life, it is their funeral to honor them, to respect their life. That is something sacred. This boss just stomps all over it. Are you planning on getting your work day done on a flight or making this, or making up this weekend? This is essentially saying, uh, okay, yeah. Hey, um, while you're on the flight back, go focus on me right now. Hey, my needs, real quick, my needs. That's what this boss is saying here. This has no consideration whatsoever about the needs or thoughts or feelings of this employee. Are you planning on getting your work day done on flight? Which is to say, I don't even think you're deserving of a flight just to think for yourself and feel this, what could be a very heavy moment.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  I personally have a lot of heavy thoughts when I'm on a plane. I mean, I, I, I ideate, I think about things and I have no doubt that when, when you're coming back from a funeral, I know I've driven back from funerals and all I do is I replay that person's life in my head. I replay their memories. I replay all these things. And here, what a missed opportunity for building connection. That the first thing this boss says, are you planning on getting your work day done on flight or making up this weekend? How about, I don't know. How are you?

• 17:34Speaker 00

  How are you doing? Are you okay? How are you feeling?

• 17:40Speaker 00

  How can I best support you right now?

• 17:44Speaker 00

  I mean, imagine getting that kind of text from your boss when you're coming back from a funeral. Hey, how can I best support you right now? How can we best support you right now? How much longer would you want to work there? You go, that right there, that's somebody I can follow for a really long time. Somebody who's interested in me, not just interested in work.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  Or making it up this weekend. Listen, I, I understand from the business perspective of, yes, there is work that needs to be done. And you think the employee doesn't know that? No work is more important than some of the most intimate, special moments of your life. There's those handful of moments in life that, that are, words can't even do them justice. They're, they're there. Maybe it's the birth of a child. Maybe it is some moment, a memory that you have with somebody very important to you. To me, funerals is part of that. It's a moment to witness somebody's life. It's not about you.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  It's to be there, to witness theirs of what they meant to you, to share that moment with them. To, it is a sacred moment that is not to be disturbed or interrupted. It, to me, it's, it's untouchable when it comes to work. And the sooner a boss or any company understands and can communicate with the first priority being, how are you? Rather than, how can you serve me? When it's about, hey, what are your needs? Rather than, hey, time to get back to my needs? The faster they can get to that, the faster they're gonna build a business where people actually are, care about one another. This is certainly not one of them.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Here we go, last one. I'm, I'm seeing an employee message to a boss. Employee says, I'm wondering if there might be a day sometime soon that I would be okay to take a mental health day? Question mark. I've just been kind of struggling lately and I'm starting to really feel it pile up on me. Wow. Wow. I love that. Leads with a question.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  It doesn't demand and it's vulnerable. This employee is stating what they need right out of the gate. I've just been kind of struggling lately and I'm starting to really feel it pile up. That, that takes a lot of confidence to say that. Boss responds, oh, thank goodness. Absolutely, exclamation point. You can take any day you want to. Just let me know what day. If you want it tomorrow or this week, that is totally fine. If you want more than one day, you can do that as well. Take all the time you need. Well, I love that response. This person also loves exclamation points. There's an exclamation point after every sentence.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  But you know what? I kind of love that too. What a wonderful response to be able to meet that person where they're at and say, yeah, absolutely, you can take one. You, in fact, take two. Take two. Employee responds, I would love to take tomorrow, honestly. I'm definitely needing it. Boss responds, you got it. If you want more time, let me know. What I love to see there is that the employee made the ask. It was honest and vulnerable about it.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  And you love to see it when the, the boss takes the initiative to say, absolutely, in fact, here, have more. Let me know what day. You tell me and you have it. Now, I, I understand that not every business has that opportunity to say, yeah, you can do it tomorrow. I understand that that may not be the case. But the way to respond with compassion and say, absolutely, is I get it. Sharing that acknowledgement, affirming that feeling and giving, giving more than what is reasonable. This is an unreasonable response. And the way this boss says, if you want more than one day, you can take that as well.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  How incredible. I love that. This is, this, this gives me warm, this gives me warm feelings inside. I wish more bosses responded this way. I wish every person, every employee had a boss like this. And the crazy thing is, this is, should be normal human behavior. Just treating somebody as you'd want to be treated. Just, you know, being kind, caring about them, leading with compassion rather than criticism. Just common sense stuff. Good job on this boss.