The Basement Yard
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15,725 words · 9 speakers
Ugh, I hate Mondays.
King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?
Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
Hey, let's get back to work, please.
But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.
Taylor Hansen? Nice.
Try one.
Mmm.
King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.
Welcome back to the...
Frank's got a new toy. Let's see it again.
Oh, you got some sparks there, too.
Yeah, look at that! Look, don't ask me where this is from, by the way. The famous company KLXCW? What is that?
You're still holding it. You've defeated the purpose. You gotta do it again. You fucked up.
I didn't fuck anything up. I have an actual sword.
Wait a second, why the hell is yours so big and mine... And also, your sword's not on, bitch.
I'm just playing...
Your shit is smoking, brother. Wait, why is yours smoking?
I don't know, Ant.
You have a cooler one! You have a big one, too!
He's got the biggest one.
What the hell is that? It doesn't matter, though, because I got the skills.
Yeah. Be honest for a fucking split second.
Can I be honest, real quick, before you? 33, 33, 29, 28?
He still fucks it up. He still fucks it up.
That's a problem.
Speaking of fucking up, can you give me that, please?
I can.
Can you get that for me, please, baby?
This shit is still smoking, and now I'm scared.
I think it's supposed to smoke. It looks like it has a smoke hole. Yo, your shit is... Oh, look at him. That was a crazy way to get down there, brother.
Everyone has a smoke hole.
I think...
We all have got a smoke hole?
Hold on, let me go back to a cool color. Ooh, red!
Yeah, yeah.
I really... Be fucking honest. You've never thought that you had the skill of sword fighting?
Um...
I really think I could be a good sword fighter.
Maybe when I was six? I feel like I did. I was really into ninjas.
Like, yo... You know what? After this, after the cameras go off, let's do an actual sword fight. Like, with those swords.
With these?
Yeah. I mean, they're, they're hard plastic. They will break. But like... If someone came at me...
You know? Someone came at me...
Yeah.
That's pretty fucking good!
I remember, do you remember Keith? When we were, this is getting annoying.
Well, no, I, I know. Where Keith like held up a cleaver from my mom's kitchen and was like, "You're supposed to hold it like this."
You're supposed to hold it like this, like he's fucking...
A ninja.
What are you doing?
Keith, Keith said that the most dangerous way to get someone with a knife was like that. Brother. That, that went.
I feel like a stab is probably...
I feel like...
Rough.
I, I, I do think... And this is based off of...
Nothing?
Not one thing. I would be a good sword fighter.
Right.
Because it just seems like something you need a lot of skill for.
What do you think you'd be bad at?
Um... Writing a book.
Okay.
You asked a real question.
Yeah, I did.
You asked a real question and you got a real answer.
You don't think you have anything interesting to say?
It's not even about saying something.
You wanna know something, actually? And I don't, but when we were at the after-party after MSG, someone came up to me and they were like, "I..."
Sorry. I just tried to put it back in while you were talking quietly. And it's just not going in.
Keep them separated?
Hold on.
Clearly, there's some friction going on.
Got it.
But there was someone who came up to me, they were like, "We work at W. Morris and we..." W. Morris? "We work at William Morris and we work in the book department."
And WB Mason, and "We want you to write a book with our pens."
Yeah, with the frog, that's CW. No, but she was like, "You guys, if you guys ever feel like writing a book." And I was like, "Whoa, are you at the right place?"
I think it's only a matter of time before you write a book.
What am I writing it about?
I think you'll definitely, and, come on, Ant, Ant, look at me, Ant, Ant, come on, get me here, Ant, Ant.
It'd be one of the few books I've read.
You'd read my book?
I'd read it.
What do you think it would be about?
Well, I don't know, you.
Me?
Again, I could imagine the chapters would be titled like, you know, "Young Irish Boy, Chapter One."
Right, so this is why you wouldn't be good at it?
That's what you're...
"Young Irish Boy."
If you write a book, can I write the foreword? I know Greg has already written books and he's, he's obviously very good at it.
He's gonna ask Greg first.
I imagine he'll ask, but Greg will write something like, you know, like, "When we think of icons of today's society," like, he'll write something actually good, "I'll write something better." Like, in a sense of fun.
From the basement to your shelves.
It would be like, "Chapter One."
It'd be something about F1, it would be that I'm short.
Well, well, chapter, like, chapter one through five will be about, like, your childhood, your upbringing and everything, and then like, chapter six will be like, the start of YouTube, so it'll be called like, "How to be a Salat."
Or like, "Hoes."
Right. Also, am I writing the book now? Cause you just said, "Chapters one through six."
Well, chapters one through five would be about your life.
Uh huh.
You know, your, chapter one, this is classic, you know, am I wrong here? I know books.
I mean, you just said that you wouldn't be able to do it, and now you're doing it.
No, no, I would be able to write it, I would be able to, like, produce it.
Produce the book?
How does that, is, what's a book producer called? Publisher?
Yeah, like, or an editor, maybe, I don't know.
Editor might be the thing. I would be able to edit your book from like a, break it up like this type of way.
Which is just like my sword's fighting abilities, based off of?
Nothing.
Also, a big moment in my life. Interacted with Joe Jonas on TikTok.
Oh, yeah.
There's a little bit more to that story that people don't know, actually. So, I had my secret Santa party, so I was...
Drunk.
Having it. And I also was earlier that day at a, at a Rangers game, so there were, there were drinks made, had. And made, because I had them after they were made. But, I go on my TikTok and someone tagged me in something, so I saw it. And it was Joe Jonas and he was using one of our audios from the show. So I was like, oh, that's crazy. So I commented like, are we gonna hang out, or whatever? I was, I don't care, at this point. So, then I like go back to my TikTok like, an hour later, or something, and he replies, yes, and follows me. What is my reaction? Mind you, I had just said, I came from the Ranger game where they were flowing the drinks.
Well, you were drunk, so he followed, so you, obviously you had to send a DM.
He followed me, I immediately DM'd him my phone number and nothing else.
That's a lot of forward, guy. That is very forward. You've come a long way.
Joey, if you're watching this, that's on me, dude. Super aggressive.
Which your phone number, by the way, which is...
Right. But I did do that. Like, he immediately followed me, and I was like, bang, number, what's up?
Hold on, you are, you, you took an approach.
I'm shooting.
You stuck to it, bang, you don't need a sword for this shot that you're shooting over here, baby. You went and you knew that the right way to be about it was direct, because I'm sure these big Hollywood types, people play games with them.
Big Hollywood.
You know, these big Hollywood types, people play games with them and they're like, man, I would love to get our people to get us together, you know? And it's just like, nah, fuck that. I'm Joe Jonas, I'm Joe Santagato, text me.
I, I literally just sent my phone number, and then the next morning, I remembered that I did that, so I went back to the DM and I was like, that was aggressive.
Was it? Like, he obviously didn't text you.
No, and I also, but I did, I, I, my second message to him was, "That was aggressive." And then like, that was it. But I don't even know if he's read it, I don't know.
He hasn't, okay.
Well, there's been no contact.
But there will be. I mean, can you imagine you get together, text us like, "Yo, what's up? It's Joe Jonas."
That'd be so funny. I actually would text him back and be like, "Alright, you're crazier than me."
Now you're nuts.
You don't know me.
Yeah. Now you're a little crazy. I mean, the Jonas Brothers are, are in their, uh, you know, they're a new era, a very playful era, where they're just kinda getting after it on social media, they're on tour.
The J O V O, yeah.
You know, so, I think it would make sense if they're doubling down on it, being relatable fun guys.
You know? I think, if we're being honest, I probably have more in line and, and, and, and more, uh, what's the word I'm looking for here? In common with the Jonas Brothers than you.
Oh.
I mean, you're, you were not a Disney kid growing up.
What?
I used to watch Disney Channel like it was going out of style.
How do you know that I didn't do that?
Did you watch Camp Rock?
Nah.
There we go, that's how I know. Um, uh, I at one point had a haircut more similar to the Jonas Brothers than you did.
Hmm, yeah.
I could sing my ass off.
Did any of it, well, no, Nick buzzed his head once.
When, when he was older, and when you buzzed your head. Ironic? I think not. That'll be a chapter in your book.
Yeah, no.
I don't think the Jonas Brothers ever wore double-breasted button-up shirts for Easter.
Well, the thing is, I'm a visionary. I also, I also wore a belt that day, there, I mean.
Pull the picture up.
I, I, I don't, I can't like, access it immediately, but there is a photo of me that I think my mom took. Double-breasted white t-shirt tucked into a pair of jeans, and I'm wearing a belt that looks like Santa Claus would wear.
It was like a big, black strap. And it was just like a square, and I'm like, "What the fuck am I doing?"
You were a visionary, alright.
You know?
I should've been visioning myself down the barrel of a gun.
Too much? Too crazy?
A lot of much, a lot of much.
Man, I'm shooting off the end of my phone number.
We're trying to get Joe Jonas on here, not that kinda talk that's gonna get the Joe Bros to come hang out with us. I mean, come on, listen. Yeah. Alright, so what could we do? Oh. To make our show more Jonas Brothers safe and fun? Safe? Yeah. Because- I don't think we're not safe. I think we're pretty safe, but I'm saying like, we gotta remember- There's no danger? We gotta remember, these are the Joe Bros. You know, these are the- I would- I'll tell you right now, I'll ask a lot about the, the promise rings. Yeah. I'm asking a ton about the promise rings. Come on, dude.
Those are for show.
Those are- I think they outright said like, those were for show. I think Nick came out and he was like- Yeah, I think like, any of those were real.
Who's that? Whose voice is that? Who was that, by the way?
That was Nick Jonas.
That was Nick Jonas?
I think so.
Do his voice again?
I don't think I can redo it.
Oh, I think you can.
I mean, alright, alright. You give me- ask me a question as an interviewer, I'll be Nick Jonas.
So we see that you guys are wearing promise rings, what's that about?
Yeah, I mean, I- like, none of the, like, promise rings are real.
And, and I- and, listen Nick, that was him, that wasn't me. Well, you- Yeah. Decided to be too forward with Joe Jonas, which I would never do, Joe, by the way. That's- I took a shot, and it is what it is. Shoot for the clouds, land amongst the stars. Is that what they say? Nope, it's the opposite. Okay, whatever. Or you shoot for the sun, shoot for the moon? Shoot for the moon, land amongst the stars.
Aren't the stars further away?
I think they're a lot further away.
Should be shooting for the stars.
Shoot for the stars, land amongst the clouds.
That's actually a good consolation. You're not getting very far, now that I think about it, like- Well, do you know what it is? Do you shoot for the stars, land on the moon, something like that? Wait, why do you wanna land on the moon? You said it so definitively, we don't know either. Why would I wanna land on the moon? It's a nothing dust rock. Yeah.
It's high up.
Yeah, but the stars are higher. Way higher! Yeah. Come on, brother. What are you talking about? I, I think we can make this, uh, us more palatable for the Jonas Brothers. So, let's start again. So, I'll be Joe Jonas. How do you think this is gonna go? I'll be Joe Jonas, and you're gonna work through the appropriate way to approach. Because you clearly went in a bit of an aggressive route. Yeah. And you need to redo it. Dude, we're just two guys hanging out. I gave him a phone call, and he texted me. Well, you're not just two guys. That's Joe Jonas. That's Joe Bro. That's burning up. Bro, he's a guy from New Jersey. That's DNCE. They're from New Jersey, right? Cake by the ocean, you know? Cake by the ocean. They are from New Jersey, that's right. So, I, I got more in line with the Jonas Brothers again than you, cuz I live in New Jersey now. This isn't a competition, Frank! You're right, it's not. Where are you at?
I think you're playing it wrong. I, I would play it as, I don't even want them on the show.
Tell us! Tell us! Yeah.
I don't even want them. I don't even want them here.
How many times have you spoken to Joe Jonas on social media? Only one of us has Joe Bro. Let's get that out of the way. He sent him his phone number. He did. I, I said that was incorrect. It was, it was a choice. I made a decision. So, I'll be Joe Jonas, you be you. Okay? And we're gonna work out the appropriate way to approach. One second. What were you gonna say? What's the appropriate thing to do?
Uh, I was just, I don't even want them here. I don't even want them to come on the show.
So, how are we gonna get him on the show if that's your attitude? Oh, he wants to like bait them. He wants to... Oh! This is what he likes. He likes to edge people with this shit. You wanna like Joe, you wanna, you wanna... Joe Bro bait him? You wanna edge the Jonas Brothers, huh? You wanna, so I should be like, "Oh, yes, whatever."
Yeah, I don't even want them.
Just don't even follow him. Really? Yeah, it's cool. Oh, see, I'm not built like that. I'm not built to be that cool, like you guys. I would just be like... First of all, I did the opposite. Yeah, that's right. So...
You know what you did do, the, you know what you did do, though? You shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars.
No, you won't. That's not how... That's so stupid. Space works. I know, that's what it is. There are no stars between us and the moon.
Neil Armstrong.
Neil said that? What does he know? Neil should know better, he's been there! Yeah! He knows there's no stars? He's getting up there in age. Is he even still alive, this guy? Neil's gotta be down in the ground, no? Oh, sorry, no, Neil said, "Shoot for the stars, but if you happen to miss, shoot for the moon instead." That's even dumber. I mean, if you shoot in one direction, you can hit both, potentially. Oh, and the cloud thing, that was a Kanye take. Oh. You've been following him around. What was that? Wait, what was that? Shoot for the stars, so if you fall, land on a cloud, that was what you said. What? I didn't say anything! Oh, yeah, that's from a song. Following Kanye. That's a Kanye song. I didn't, uh, uh... That was awesome. No, I didn't, I didn't do that. What, Joey said that one. Platform him.
I think I am going to remove the platform for now. Um, uh... Can we do this now? Can I be Joe Jonas, again? Yeah, I don't know what you're trying to do. I'm gonna be Joe Jonas. I'm gonna say out my, I'm gonna say my comment on the picture. You're gonna respond, and then you're gonna approach me in what would be a better way to approach Joe Jonas, and the, the rest of the Jonas Brothers. There's three to come on the show. Alright, you ready? There's four. Well, I mean, there are more brothers, I think. I think the other, I forgot the other one's name. Frank.
More in line with what I have with, in common with the Jonas Brothers. Franklin, I believe. Well, that's... Oh, it's his name. I almost slipped up. I almost slipped up! Almost! Oh, you're gonna say something negative about his name? I wasn't gonna say his shitty name sucks, I was just... Wow, that's crazy. Franklin, I would never say that about you. This guy's saying that, that's insane. Anytime I hear Franklin, I just think of, oh, neither of you guys have seen Arrested Development. God damn it. Well, I think of the turtle. And I fucked with the turtle. Yeah, I didn't like the turtle. Hey, it's Franklin! Whatever. Alright, I'm Joe Jonas.
You say... What, what did you say in your comment? You, you did the whole, like, "Are we gonna hang out, or..."
That's what you did. Yeah, I did. Like, or what, Joe? Yeah. So, go ahead and say that part, and then I'll be Joe and I'll respond. Are we gonna hang out? Ha, yes. Okay, I'm done with this. That's, that's, I'm, that's, I'm sick of this. I'm already done. Point being, you know,
you take your shots, you see where, you see what happens. I mean, we haven't killed it. We don't know that it's dead. Well- It could come in at any time. I mean, here's the thing about the Jonas Brothers. I think that they like doing fun quirky stuff. Yeah. And I do think at our core, we are fun quirky guys. Okay. Uh, uh, like us and them. We all have that in common. So, Jonas Brothers- Just a, just a good east coast quirk. Jonas Brothers, you guys wanna, you like having fun, you like laughing, you like talking, you like reminiscing. That's what we do. That's what this show is. So, this is the Basement Yard's official pitch. Oh, okay. We are inviting, rolling out the red carpet, the J O B R O,
to the Joe Bros to come be on the Basement Yard. Yeah. I think it would be a great, great episode. We can laugh, we can talk, we could sing. We could just do a whole episode singing. Hey, there will be singing on that. And, and I think it would be- I think it's gonna come out of me and you, too. And I think it would be a good time. So, listen, Joe Bros, no pressure on you, but if you don't come, you kind of, you're gonna lose all your street appeal. Joe, just let me know. Just text me, bro. It's fine. You'll see.
I think I'll- It's in there. The number's in there. You know what I'm gonna do? Yo, you know what I tried to do, too? Unsend it. They don't let you do that on TikTok. I've also never sent a DM on TikTok before. That was my first one. Oh for one. Uh, and you can't unsend it, so that- Here's what I'm gonna do- I tried to delete it, and it was like, delete for you. I was like, well, that's not gonna do anything. Here's where you messed up. Here's where you messed up. Oh, I know where I messed up. There's a clear path that I took. You went straight to the top. You tried to, you, you tried to penetrate at the, the, the hardest part of a mountain. I don't like, I don't like the term. I'm gonna message Franklin Jonas. No, you can't now. And I'm gonna get in that way. No, you can't. I'll be like, hey, my buddy messaged your, my, your brother, he's a real piece of shit. First of all, that's not good. Now, we're, now we're double penetrating the brothers.
I'm looking, I'm looking at his father. So, like- I guess I'll message Kevin. Stop this! So Franklin Jonas has Uh, what is that? Uh, 603,000 followers.
Mm-hmm.
Joe Jonas on Instagram has 12.7. What's he more likely to see? Who's more likely to see this? I think if we can get in with Franklin, I, when you just said his name was a piece of shit.
You said that!
You said that. Why would I insult my own name, dude?
We've got the same name.
If I just like relate to him on a Frank to Frank basis, first of all, this could happen.
This is, this is spiraled.
Spiraled how? Spiraled up, spiral mountain, Banjo Kazooie.
What are these words? What is that, the video game?
Yes.
Haven't played that in a very long time.
You should play it.
Well, I, I don't have, I'm 64, cause it's not 1912.
I do, 1912?
1912. Whenever I think of a year, I always say 1912. Why is that?
Well, that's when the Titanic went down, so obviously it was a big year.
Was it the 12? I thought, and the war of 1912.
What the hell was that?
It was a war.
Is that the year the Titanic went down? If I got that off rip, I am impressed with myself.
You answered that in the Jeopardy one. I think it was 13? Am I crazy?
1912.
Oh, it was 12.
If I know, I know the years of tragic events.
Okay, name another one.
1941.
Who's that?
Pearl Harbor.
Yeah, that was a rough one.
2001?
It's also when the Oreo was invented.
When?
1912. The Oreo was invented?
Big year for, big year for cookie, bad year for ships.
Bad year for ships. Also about to be A good time for everyone, the roaring twenties, and then a very bad time.
Yeah, it was a pretty bad time for a lot of people. A lot of people, which, it was
Bro, what do you think the first Oreo tasted like in 1912?
That had to suck. I'm not gonna say it, I don't wanna offend Oreo.
Why?
They're not even the same people. That's fair. Probably like real chocolate.
I thought you were gonna be offending like 1912, but just asking.
Nah, I'm offending current Oreo.
That's great.
I love Oreos, don't get me wrong.
What is it?
I dunno.
I don't know what it is.
It is a brown dust, black dust?
Brown, brother. What time was the last time you had an Oreo?
I mean, it's, they're black.
Jet black.
It is, it is very, I mean- I love an Oreo, though. Wait, Oreos were the, like, were the first big cookie?
Nah, chocolate chip came on the scene.
King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?
But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.
King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.
They're dicks out.
I mean, when, though? When did Chips Ahoy? We got it, if we're taking it from-
What's the best chocolate chip? Cookie?
Chocolate chip.
Not like, like a brand that makes chocolate chip cookies, what's the best one?
Oh, I kinda fuck with Chips Ahoy, if I'm being honest with you.
I, I do too, but bro, hear me out.
Are you going with those old ones that are packaged, like-
Famous Amos?
Ooh, those are a good fucking cookie, bro. I love Famous Amos.
Famous Amos could suck on my anus.
Amos, Amos, not anus, I said anus.
Yeah, no, no, I, I, I think, I stand by, I think-
Ooh! Green. Tate's. Mad good.
Nah, it's alright.
Woo!
I've peaked, I think we peaked at cookies when we got or, uh, uh, Chips Ahoy candy blasts. The best.
But there's other ones out there.
Ooh! Oh, oh, the, uh, uh, the, uh, uh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm, I'm getting over being sick.
The fucking Keebler Elf. They make some pretty good ones.
Did we say Entenmann's? Entenmann's?
Entenmann's.
Entenmann's only makes good like coffee cakes. Oh man, those tiny chocolate chips.
I kinda fuck with them, yeah. I used to put them in a bowl.
Little bites? Get the fuck in. Actually, I like those muffins.
I mean, we've talked about this and I'll say it again. The best cookie I've ever had were those ones that you'd get at like an after-school program in the mi- in New York City, where it was like the cinnamon raisin with like the white frosting on top.
Yeah, the uh raisin oat- or oatmeal fro- frosted oatmeal cookies or some shit.
Oh, I don't know what they were. But let me tell you.
There was another chocolate chip.
They sent a message to your parents and told them that it's time for fun.
I also, all the like cookie companies now that they make like crazy, like they're like cakes basically, when they do a chocolate chip cookie, it sucks. Like they're, they're like cake in like dumbass shit that they make that like, when I'm in the mood for a cookie like that, they ma- that's a great job. But the, the regular ones that they make, I'm like, ugh.
You know what sucks? Chocolate, chocolate chip cookies. Too much chocolate.
I don't like when people like triple dark midnight cake. I'm like, bro, chill.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not, I'm not a big fan of sponge cake as it is.
Ooh, I like a sponge. Like a fucking wet, fucking, yo, oh, like a cake, I wanna just press it down and let it spit and squirt. You know, like a wet ass cake, oh my god.
How do we even unpack that one?
You ever look at a cake and like, you just go like this, cause you could see the light dancing off of like the sponge part? That's my favorite. I love a wet ass cake.
I don't like sponge cake.
I don't like a triple chocolate type shit though.
I just think sponge cake is overrated. I think that all sponge cake is the same. You've never had a sponge cake and be like, that's the best sponge cake. It's all the sa- it's all the same. They all use box cakes.
I mean, it's not all the same because it's, there's stuff that you could put in the cake and also the icing is different and flavor different.
Joey, I'll tell you this. One of the things I learned from Jon Bon Jovi was that it's all the same, only the names will change. They literally are the exact same cake, they just add different shit on top of it and different hats, baby.
Yeah, that's every food.
No.
Cakes. Cakes is all cakes. You like ice cream cake. I do love ice cream cake. Don't get me started on ice- That's a different cake! No, but it's not sponge cake. I'm saying all sponge cakes is the same. They don't taste the same. Yes, they do! They're literally different flavors. Sometimes they do different flavors and stuff like that. That would make them different. No, but it's all the same. How is that the same if it's different? Only the names will change. How is it the same if it's different? Because it's all from sponge cake. All cakes are sponge cake. Except for ice cream cakes, which are, they've made their own cakes. I don't even know how to... So you think things that are different flavors are not different? They are in a little bit of a sense, but they are the same.
Why? It's true! It's not true! I'm shocked that you don't agree with me on this one! All cakes are the same! All cakes are the same, but they have a little differences. It's like books. If you read one book, you read them all. All books- That's even dumber than what he said! All books are books. All books are books, but they just have different little words in them. Which would make them different books. Am I going insane? Call my therapist! Book a session for today! But listen to what you said. That it makes them different books, but they're all books. What point are you making, Frank? Because that doesn't, that doesn't, that's not the conversation we're having. All books are books! You're... Okay. All books are books. Are you- Our dictionary and Harry Potter are books. They are the same- So then cakes are cakes! Yes, that's what I said! So ice cream cake is a cake? No, but ice cream cake is not the same cake. Ohhh! No, the same cakes are not cakes!
The ice cream cake is only a cake because they are referencing its layering and its presentation for events and celebrations. That's insane. Like a graphic novel. A graphic novel. Exactly!
You guys are rage baiting me. No, I'm not! I'm being serious. All books are books. You're baiting me. All books are books. Frankie is a master at it. I am not a masturbator. You guys are rage baiting me. You like that one. I do- I need to protect my peace right now with you guys, because it's really pissing me off. No, I, I, I, I do think though that all books are the same. All books are the same book. I mean, they're- So the bible is the same as- See, don't- The, uh- Don't do that. The, any other religious book. Mm-hmm. I'm glad he didn't name them, because I was, I was afraid he was gonna- Why? What's wrong with naming religious books? Because you're trying to violence bait me. What? You're trying to bait the violence against me.
Sometimes you do this thing where you say a sentence and it means nothing and it just short circuits me. And that was one of them. And I'm like, I don't even know what to say to that. I got nothing. I mean, we could sword fight.
We could sword fight. Or we can get to these... Frank, don't do it. That thing's gonna spark like crazy. And here we are.
You didn't turn it on. I don't need to turn it on for it to be deadly.
Are we still talking about swords here? Good lord. Uh, guys, listen, we have some sponsors for today. The first one being, how you doing? BetterHelp. Uh, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy, so if you want to talk to a therapist, you can do so in under 48 hours by signing up for BetterHelp. Uh, it has helped a lot of people in this, uh, country. And yeah, they have a bunch of licensed therapists that can get you all set up. They make it very easy, the onboarding process, to switch from therapist to therapist to make sure you're getting the right fit for you. And, uh, they have over 30,000 therapists. It's one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. I've been in therapy for a number of years. I think that it's very helpful. I'll always try to advocate for that. Uh, but yeah, they get, they make it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist
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What was that?
I don't know, I didn't realize I had to go so quickly. Also guys, patreon.com/thebasementyard, thank you guys for an incredible 2025. We are so excited for 2026 and a big part of that is all the love and support that you guys have given us on Patreon, you know, looking back and how much growth there has been on that platform individually is kind of just astonishing, you know, since, you know, the show, you know, since I joined on the show back in 2020 and then all the way up until now, we love you and we thank you and we're so appreciative of all the love and all the support. So if you want to join Patreon, you can get these weekly episodes one week in advance for free, not for free, excuse me, with that first tier, if you go and sign up at patreon.com/thebasementyard. And then if you sign up for that second tier, you get weekly episodes every single Friday. So you could start and end your week with the basement
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What's the, that was defense that you're doing?
Why would you ever defend like this?
Well, your hand was like this and then you had that, yeah.
Well, I'm using my other energy with this hand to push your energy out.
Hmm.
I really think I'm gonna do a sword fight with you after this.
Yep. Or Ant. I think Ant would be a good sword fighter.
Are you a good swordsman?
The best.
That's not confident.
Well, the best sounds intense.
Are you bringing that?
No, I'll, I'll borrow one of the big ones. Which again, by the way, the fact that you guys two, you two got the big ones and I got the small ones seems wildly disrespectful.
I don't know if you'd be able to handle the ones we have.
You see that shit? I mean, alright, fine. Bring your big one and I'll show you why this little one, I don't need a big one. Okay? This, 'cause guess what? Might be smaller, but it, it works. It's just as deadly.
Boo!
It is much bigger.
Much is a stretch. It's about the same, not it.
Yeah, pretty, pretty commonly. Um, I didn't even tell you the other day I had, I wanted to pull my hair out, 'cause I was in the steam room. Excuse me, the sauna. Uh, and there was a, I walked in on like a sixty-five-year-old white woman talking with another person in there.
Co-ed sauna?
It was a co-ed one, 'cause the, the, the, the single ed was out. Yes?
No. Fully clothed.
Everyone was fully clothed. Myself included.
And I walk in and she's talking about, she's like, "Yeah, we vacation, I'm not, this is exactly how it went." She's like, "I, we vacation in Barbados and we love to go down there and live like the locals." And I was like, "Oh, fuck, how's this gonna happen?"
And she was like, "We go down there and we live like the locals on our catamaran." And I was like, "Okay, well now, you lost it."
Wait, is that a boat?
Yeah, big, it's a, it's a, it's like a rich person's-
Is that like the, like, it's got a net in the back or whatever?
I don't know if there are nets on the back, but you can look up "catamaran." Don't ask me to spell it.
I feel like I know what it is, but-
Uh, but then, she's like, "Oh, we love living like a local on our catamaran. We eat seafood and then we go and we listen to, uh, she goes, "We go listen to live reggae." Reggae. Reggae, and I wanted to pull my hair out and put it down my own throat and choke on it. It was so fucking bad. And she's just doing this like in the... She's like with her friend in the sauna? Well, she was talking to like another old, rich, white man. It does have the thing. Alright, you're right. Not that one, but... I mean... That one does, it has the net, yeah. What is... I... Listen, if you can afford it, good for you. Joe, probably will be there soon, if not already there. Uh, but like... It's a cool boat. It's cool. I don't fuck with boats. You don't fuck with boats?
Don't fuck with boats, don't fuck with the ocean. You wouldn't get on a boat? Probably not. Like a yacht party? Nah. But they don't go like out to the... Where do they go? Oh, before you say anything, where do they go? Not far from land. But on what? Water. Which... Frank, you've been on water before. Yeah, lakes. I'm cool with lakes, brother. You don't see yachts on lakes. But why are you cool with lakes? Because you have a good understanding of what's in that lake compared to what's in the ocean. Cause guess what can not get you in a lake? Great whites? Yeah. Yeah, guess what you could mostly see the bottom of? I can't see three inches into that lake. I mean, I'm saying like, uh, but like, you could, you have a sense of like how deep this water is. Bro, the ocean? What?
I feel like, you know, you've never jumped in the osh? Off a boat? Nope. No, I have not. And get, watch, I'm gonna do you one further. Yep. I ain't gonna. No? No way, baby. What if you were in like Europe? Like the Mediterranean? There's so much cool stuff on land. Yeah, but I'm saying like if you're on a boat... I'll put my feet in like on the beach. Where I can see my feet and see anything that would approach. But like if you're telling me we're going, I'm not even saying far offshore, you're saying we're going... Not far. Uh, uh... Fifty yards. Fifty yards.
Forty-nine yards, too many, baby. Let me tell ya, I am not doing it. You ever jump in the ocean?
Hmm. I went tubing. That's pretty far out.
In the ocean? That's crazy, dude. That is insane.
It's pretty far out, you fall in that, it's a problem.
Wait, you were tubing in the ocean?
The most fun part of tubing is falling off. What's the ocean? What ocean? Where were you? No, but where were you?
Oh, I went, I was in, uh, Aruba for one.
Aruba?
In Sicily for one.
Jamaica? You were tubing in Sicily? They do that?
Yeah, that was a mistake.
Why, why was that a mistake?
Because we saw where we could be going out, and in my head I said, "Well, as long as we're not going past that rock." Cause that rock looks really far. And then we went probably fifty yards past it, and great whites everywhere. In Sic- like, big, big great white thing.
You're, and you're on a tube?
I'm on a banana boat, so...
You're on a little banana boat? You literally look like a snack. So you're on your, you're on your knees?
Yep. And, and there's great whites around.
Banana, I don't think you've been on a proper banana boat. You sit on a banana boat, you straddle it like a giant wang.
You still straddle, like, you're, you're straddling.
Kinda like kneed up, no?
I mean, the way that we used to ride banana boats is you would be on your knees, but like... I, I, I can't believe I said that. There's no way of getting out of this now.
It was scary.
I don't, but that's crazy, cause they say like, like fluttering and like making a scene is what attracts sharks. Because they're like, "Oh, something's over there, I'm gonna go fucking get it."
When, when we fell off, I said, "Let me go on first, back on, and I'll help everybody up." I just had to get up there.
Smart man, yeah.
I didn't wanna be in that water.
Yeah. Dude, cause that's the hardest part, is waiting for them to come back and get you.
That could feel like an eternity. Hell no. I'm like, well, so I'm in agreement, like, that's crazy. I think that's a little nuts, but...
I, I, uh, when I was in fucking Mallorca, I, I went swimming in like a thing, but it's like, it's open ocean, and then there's like a little cove. And some of it, you can touch the bottom and you can see whatever, but then, uh, somebody had goggles, so I put the goggles on, and there's mad fish everywhere. It's fire. Like, you don't think that's cool to see?
Very salty. Yes. Very salty, but.
I do, I would go in the Dead Sea. That one I would go into.
Is there anything in there?
No, because the salt content is too high. Literally why they call it the Dead Sea, because nothing can live in it.
Ah.
That would be cool, because you could like float.
It's so salty, you can just chill.
I wonder if you'd be interested in a sensory deprivation tank?
Uh, people like lose their minds in those things, don't they?
Not that I've heard. You start seeing faces, maybe. I definitely like hallucinated a little bit.
Well, hallucinated is like a very aggressive way to say that like my, I'm... You're just in complete blackness, and you're just kind of darkness.
And you're floating in like salinated water, right?
It's, yeah, you're like floating, and it's the perfect temperature of your body, so it feels like you're just floating.
Is that not terrifying? Like, why are we putting ourselves in these circumstances that are just kind of freaking us out?
I think it's like relaxation. Like, I find it to be a little relaxing.
You both said you hallucinated a little bit.
Hallucinated was aggressive. I meant that like, I can kind, it felt like I was seeing stuff. But not like actual stuff, like...
Little things.
So it's pitch black, and I'm basically floating in nothingness, and I can't hear anything?
You...
That's also terrifying, because what if I start to drown?
You're, you can't.
What if they start, what if it's like a...
If they start filling it up?
If they start filling it up with water?
No, you can get out at any time.
But why? How?
You just sit up and open up the thing.
But what if someone locks the thing, and they start filling it up with water?
Well, you, no one can get in your room.
How do you know? What? It's a room, brother. Yes, they can.
No, so like you, so the one that I went to, it's like you walk into a room, and you lock the door behind you, you have to take a shower. And then you get into the tub.
I need a shower to get in this water?
Yeah. Because I mean, it's, you know, it's a nice thing. But like, you, you get in, and then you close the thing. There's, they also had like a light show, or like a guided meditation, but I was like, I just want full nothing.
I think that like, in those moments, I mean, you see how I am when we go to these Airbnbs on tour. I lock, I like barricade my doors and shit like that, like... I am fully preparing that like, oh, someone can come in here and just start filling this up with water, and then I'm going.
But they can't, like, the, the water is like this, it's like being in a tub.
Yeah, but the, how big is the enclosure?
It's, it's enclosure, what do you mean?
How big is the enclosure?
Like, how much room is between you and the ceiling?
You could probably touch it.
Okay. What happens if they start filling it up with water?
It would like pour, like it's not deep, like the water is like this deep.
He's not getting me. That's like you saying like you can't.
But how would they get in and start filling it up?
I don't know, but I gotta think about this stuff, Joey.
But how would I even, I'm confused how that's a worry.
Listen, it's hard being me and. What was that?
That was funny. I agree. What was that? I'm just saying, maybe there are people out there that want me dead and maybe they could find that I'm in a sensory deprivation tank and start filling it up with water.
It's not something that locks.
How do you know?
I went to it.
Have you been in one that they're all the same? Only the names will change?
Bon Jovi's back, baby.
He's back, 100%.
We should go, we should do one.
They scare me, they really do, I'm not kidding.
It's a little freaky, but like, once you get in there.
Like also, also massages, I've gotten a couple like 60 minute massages. That's terrifying too.
They're kinda scary, you're like super, like this person could just like, you're relaxing and then they could just grab a knife and stab you in the back.
Yeah, that's your whole life.
I know, it's scary. Like when I get my, when I go get a hair.
Yes, what are you thinking about? How can you possibly relax during a massage?
Sometimes.
You're thinking, yo, this is going great, but if this woman takes a knife and puts it in the back of my skull.
Like yo, when I go to get a haircut, now they'll be like, hey, do you mind if I use a straight razor? And I'm like, yeah, of course, go ahead. And then I'm like, yo, all they have to do is just go like that and I'm gone.
It's a wild way to live.
I mean, you need to prepare yourself.
How are you preparing for to, against a knife attack? That was a stupid question.
You just gotta keep that thing on you all the time. And I always have that thing on me. But you don't have weapons, you're not a weapons guy. Not a weapons guy, because I have the ultimate weapon. You know, what do they say, the pen is mightier than the sword, but the tongue can lick them both.
I have never heard that.
I've said that with much aplomb and I'm upset that you guys didn't realize it.
The tongue can lick them both. The tongue can, but I don't know what that's gonna do.
I mean, it's a saying.
What does it even mean?
Well, cuz the sword, swords are normally what were used to kill people.
Okay? The sword is mighty, but you know what's even mightier than that?
The pen.
The pen. The written word.
It can enact change.
It can enact change, but guess what can lick them both? The tongue.
But what does that mean?
There is a hierarchy to power and, and, uh, you know, being able to
Sway.
Move the masses. Pen, the, the, the sword could do it. The pen could do it stronger, but then the tongue could lick them both.
I feel like there's a better way to say that, cuz I feel like if you licked a knife or a sword, you'd be in for a rough one.
That'd be your last lick.
You could lick a sword. Well, Bro. The pen is mightier than the sword, but the tongue is mightier than them both put together. Is the... Is the...
Please tell me that you made it up!
No, I've heard that somewhere. Can lick them both? I've heard that somewhere. Type that in right now. If it doesn't show up, I'm literally calling the police. That what I, that's what I was typing in, and that's the phrase that kept coming up. It's close.
No!
No, no, it is not close!
No, I've heard this. Don't, listen, don't do this.
Type in the full sentence! I did.
Don't do this.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
But the tongue can lick them both.
Type that in. If there's zero searches.
No, I've heard that. I've heard it somewhere.
In your dreams, pal!
No, no, no, I've heard this.
Let's ask Joe Jonas. He's probably texting me right now.
Joe Jonas is very, he's very, yeah.
Joe Jonas is texting me right now.
Yeah, what'd he say?
I did have a text from a number that I, that I didn't have, and it was Verizon.
Fucking bastards.
They were asking me for money.
I have Verizon too. I love Verizon. I'm gonna be honest with you. I, I enjoy it.
It's not here.
No, there's no way.
It's just not here.
There's no way. I refuse to believe that.
You're thinking of... How could, what would the tongue licking a pen or a sword mean? Cuz that doesn't like, stop the, like...
I mean, it's just a saying, Joey. Now I'm panicking over here.
I hope that you find something. I, I, I, I really hope so.
I also hope he finds something.
From Goodreads.
Goodreads?
Marcus Gar- oh, nope.
Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Yep, yep. Read that one.
What's it say?
Read that one.
This is the, the phrase he's thinking of. It's Marcus Garvey, right?
Yeah, that's what I said. It's, uh, "The pen is mightier than the sword, but the tongue is mightier than them both put together."
I, I'm telling you, I've heard about the tongue licking.
If you took a pen and a sword and you put them together, you can lick them.
I'm telling you, I didn't make that up. If I did make that up, that's way better than Marcus Garvey's.
No, it-
Yes, it is.
It doesn't make sense.
Yes, it does make sense. Like, guess what could lick both the pen and the sword?
The tongue.
What good does that do? It's a, it's a, it's a euphemism, Joey. It's symbolic. It's symbolic.
I understand that, but like-
I think if anything, my version of it is way better than Marcus Garvey's.
We know.
I'm just-
We know you think that.
I'm just saying, you know?
But the tongue can lick them both. I mean, we have to make posters now. Like, that is-
I mean, is that not, I think that's a cool-
Just you in like that outfit with an apple and it's just-
I mean, if someone hasn't made that yet, I'd be astonished.
Man, that is so good.
I do think, I mean, guys-
All quotes need to come from somewhere.
So like, I'm sure when, the first time someone said, you know, "The pen is mightier than the sword," they were just like, "What? What? What is that?"
That was you, by the way.
Well, that's not how it was framed. You said, "It's like they say."
They have said it. They have said it.
Dude, this is 2025. We have the internet. That means everything's in there.
No, it doesn't.
And no one said it.
No, it doesn't. There are stories that we have as individuals that have been passed down that are not necessarily on the internet yet.
You know? Think of all your-
Maybe your dad, maybe your dad said it and you're like, "Oh, that's..."
If my dad said that-
He's a genius.
However, I can with confidence say, he probably didn't, and he probably isn't.
The tongue can lick them both. The tongue can lick everything.
The tongue can lick everything, that's right. It's just meant to encapsulate that the power of good orators. You know, they can go out there with much aplomb and they can move people based off of the spoken word. I, I think that that is a very clever way to say that, and, and I'm gonna take my victory laps.
You should, because that, that was, I'm really glad that we got that on camera. We do have some more sponsors for this show. Before we move forward with more quotes from our, you know, our resident philosopher here.
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Uh, fix your computer.
Yeah, my computers, my computers panties came off.
You had to go with panties?
Panties.
It was the top, brother.
What do you think of panties? What do you see?
What do you see?
Yeah, I, I mean, you're looking at- You're thinking hard, dude.
Don't think too hard.
You're thinking real hard.
What do you think of when I say panties?
Pink?
Okay, why?
That's not-
I mean, what do they look like?
And small?
Lace?
Yours on fucking fire, yeah.
Yeah, like the shape.
I think, I think, I think panties is more like, lace, I, I, is not panties to me.
Lace is bananas.
Lace is not panties. I'm thinking like a cotton blend.
Oh, you're thinking a cotton blend.
I'm thinking like, you know, like-
Polyester?
Sure, that could be in there, you know, but I'm thinking like, what, what would be like the equivalent to our boxers? You know, like something a little more comfortable than just a fucking piece of thread in someone's asshole.
Yeah, cause thongs are thongs.
Yeah, thongs are thongs.
So, like a panty, though? Like, are you thinking a granny panty?
I think, I, I don't think it's, it's as, uh, you know, pronounced as a granny panty. I think granny panties are a little more loose fitting and, uh, uh, larger.
I think these are something-
They cover the whole butt.
Yeah, I think these are a little more like, you know, pronounced, but still, there's a good mix of like granny panties going for entirely-
It's a diaper.
Comfort, too much on comfort.
A panty is like a mix of comfort and style.
And then a thong is just, it doesn't even care about comfort at all.
What do you think, what do you think of panties?
Pink.
That was great.
My bad.
Alright.
Yeah, um, I do, I, I have some New Year's resolutions. I think I'm, I'm really trying to, you know, be the best version of myself. I wanna, you know, be more active and stuff like that, the normal stuff. I'm pretty basic with my New Year's resolutions every year, you know? I mean, it's easy because during the holiday season, I really commit to being like, eating like a piece of shit.
You know, really getting after, I mean, it's all hams and fucking butter stuff.
I had ham yesterday. My mom made a ham.
She made a ham?
Oh, god.
Hammed it up.
Also did a number on the mashed potatoes.
Ooh.
Yeah, dude.
She have her world famous broccoli?
Did she make the broccoli?
Yeah, she made the broccoli.
The broccoli's fantastic also. Um, but yeah, the fucking mashed potatoes really threw me. I wasn't expecting that.
Are you, is the ham repeating on you today? Are you feeling it?
No, I didn't have that much ham.
How much ham you talking?
Like, three pieces?
What size pieces?
Oh, yeah, I didn't get one of the, you know, the big hunks.
Yeah, the hunka hunka.
The hunks are crazy.
And I was like, I just, I know too much about the the sodium.
Just to be very clear, you knew nothing about ham pre one month ago.
Um, I knew what it tasted like.
Gotcha.
And that, that was enough for me.
And you knew it was probably not healthy?
You just didn't know?
Well, I did know, like, now I know, I'm too aware of like the sodiums, I'm like, oh, I can't, but like, whatever.
I mean, it's, I'll just drink a lot of water, you'll be alright.
It's an easy way to fix it.
Uh, what else did she have? I don't even remember, but it was a great dinner, loved it, hammed it. Also was putting some of the ham juice. Uh, and I was dipping my dinner roll in it, it was pretty fucking good.
Ham juice doesn't sound.
Yeah, like the juice.
Oh, like, oh, like the, the, the, the glaze.
Well, it's like. No, it's a little bit of juice. It's like a juice and you juice, you put a, you pour it back on your ham. It's in a little like genie lamp? Yeah, you don't do that?
Gravy?
It's not gravy.
No, no.
Gravy guys.
What, uh?
It's like a liquidy, it's liquidy, it's not, it's not gravy, it's not like a thick.
I don't, I can't even tell you.
You've never poured anything on a ham?
No, it's baked with a, it's, it's cooked with a glaze and then you come out and you cut it up and eat it.
Oh, wow. You do, you do the juice?
Yeah, I'm juicy.
Yeah, we do juice.
Juice it up.
Yeah, there's like a whole, my mom has like a little thing of juice and we, we ladle it on.
Yep.
Juice?
You do, you do the ham, if you, if you make a little sandwich with bread, you put some juice on the bread.
What, I, not even ever.
When you take it out of the thi- I don't even know, I, I don't know if it's coming out of the ham and it's just in the pan?
I mean, if you're calling it ham juice.
Yeah, I mean, it's for the ham.
Like, it, it sounds like an uncooked kind of sanitary nightmare when you say it like that, ham ju- like if I said chicken juice? You'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
No, but that's still kind of exist, you know, when you're cooking it and it's in the pot, it's in the pan.
Yeah, that's not juice, my guys, that's, that's like the, the, the gravy, the oils.
It's, it's definitely not a gravy. It's not, yeah. It's certainly not.
It's not thick to be a gravy.
Not at all.
Wrong word.
I, I, yeah.
It's also like see-through, it's reddish.
It's clear.
It's not clear.
I need to see what these fucking juices are.
Brownish?
Am I?
Could you pull up ham juice?
This is crazy.
Could you pull up ham juice for me?
Just type in ham juice.
I don't think it's gonna work.
I mean, I, I think you'll be able to find it.
You've never had a ham juice?
But you know what, you can't find-
You've been at my house?
You can't find a lot of things on the internet because they didn't have that.
That ain't it.
That doesn't look good, no.
That's like a ham broth, what the fuck? What the fuck is this shit? None of this looks particularly like what I'm- Should I call my mom and ask her about ham juice?
Ask your mom about ham juice.
Alright, let me call my mom.
Say, ma, what the hell is the ham juice?
Alright, let me.
I just, I, I think. Like it just, like I said, if, if I were to say, here, I gotta think of turkey juice, you'd be like, what the fuck?
Let's find out what Biz is doing.
She better answer. She better.
Hi Joey.
Hey mama.
Hold on, yeah speaker, okay.
Oh, you're on the basement yard at the moment, I have a question. Hi Liz.
Oh, stop. Hold on, I gotta turn the meatball off.
Turn the meatball off. It sounds like you're in the shower. You got any meatball juice? Mom.
You're kidding me. Oh yeah, yeah, you hold on, whatever. I'm on the basement yard.
Where's Keith? Mom.
Alright, I'll retake you off speaker now.
Hi.
Hello. Oh, he said hi. Hi Liz. Frank says hi. Ant said nothing.
Hi, thank you.
So, we're talking about, uh, yesterday, we had ham, right?
Uh-huh.
And now, the ju- the juice that we put on the ham, ham juice.
Well, okay.
What, what is that? Cause Frank's never heard of ham juice. I've never heard of ham juice. He's never been juiced, he's never juiced his ham.
Well, let me tell you how I make this, and it turns into a ju- it's not juice of the ham.
That's what I put over it, like, some people glaze a ham.
But, um, I put the big ham in the pot, in the pan.
And I put mustard.
And I put, uh, a lot of brown sugar. I put the pineapple juice from the can of pineapples.
That I'm gonna put her on there, and I put, what else do I put? Um, a little bit of ginger ale, if they need a little more, uh...
Whoa.
Pancake syrup.
Oh, I mean, don't give this away if we, uh, we, uh, no, but...
It's cream.
So wait, that's what the juice is? That sounds like a glaze. Pancake syrup?
Yeah, so then when it all melts down, and with the sugar.
It's a glaze!
And whatever. It's like a glaze, but it's more like a, a gravy, so to speak, you know?
It's not a gravy, mom.
Well, we use it, you know, you put the ham on your plating, then you put the...
Yeah, but a gravy is like, thick. It's like a, it's like watery. But is that, that, when, so the thing that you're dumping, you're dumping that on the ham when it's cooking, right?
Yeah, no, no, I, I put it all on, and then I put it in the oven and forget about it.
So she gla-
And forget about it!
Thank you so much. So she glazes the ham with this concoction.
And then, all the, clearly like the sugars and stuff bind and stick to the ham, and then the liquid that's left, she uses to ladle on is kind of like a gravy.
That's what we said. That's why I'm calling it ham juice.
But you said it's tha- but I said it sounds like the, like the glaze, and you were like, "No, it's ham juice."
No, you're like, you glaze it first, alright, I'm gonna have a different conversation with Frank. But, you're, like, this is all that you put on the ham, and then it kinda gets into the pan, and then you pour that into a cup?
Yeah, after I take the ham out to slice, I, the rest of it, I pour into a, a thing.
I mean, I, I can separate, you know, if there's any, like, real fatty grease, you know, I could use the gravy separator to get rid of that, and then we just pour on the rest.
Alright, well, you answered my question, thank you so much. Save me some meatballs.
I'm coming over tomorrow, by the way.
Alright, I love you.
Bye Liz!
Ant says hi.
Merry Christmas. No, Ant didn't say anything. Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Alright, I'll see ya.
Okay, bye bye.
Merry Christmas is crazy. Merry Christmas is crazy, I apologize about my m-
No, no, no, so I'm right. So I was right this whole time.
This isn't about right or wrong.
Um, I can, I need to hold on to any bit of being right that I can get.
This isn't right or wrong. I was saying, there is a juice that comes from the ham, like, in the pan, and then you ladle it onto your stuff.
Yeah, but you said, I was like, "Oh, it sounds like it's, like, from the glaze," and you said, "No." I thought it was-
No, you said you make a glaze.
The way it sounded, and maybe I'm completely misinterpreting it, was like, it was a separate juice that, like, your mom, like-
Oh, I didn't, I, I didn't know whether that was right or wrong. Like, I didn't know whether she made it separately, but I assumed that it came out of the ham. That's why I was like, "How have you never heard of ham juice? I assume it's in the pan." Like, that's the juice.
I, I, I think we were, we kinda were both explaining the same-
You baste the, you baste the ham!
Yes, but we were explaining the same things, but just in different ways, if that makes any sense. Like, we, I, I, I've had ham juice-
Do you-
Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one.
Taylor Hansen? Nice!
Bites.
No, but my whole question, how this started was, do you ladle stuff onto your plate?
But that's the question. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, but then you were saying ham juice. And I was like, what the fuck does this juice come from?
It's the juice for the ham.
From your mom glazing the ham.
I think we lost once she used the word gravy.
Yeah, it's certainly not a gravy. I don't care what she says. Like, it's not a gravy.
The ginger ale, I wrote down the recipe, obviously. But the ginger ale, that was a, that was surprising.
Oh, my dad, like, his thing, when he's like, I want, yeah, my dad just, the only thing he does to his ham is he pours like five cans of Coca-Cola.
I've seen people do that online.
That's a lot of Coca-Cola.
I think it's just because of like the sugar content and whatever.
Yeah, and it basically, once you cook it, it just, it crystallizes, basically, and...
Do you do mustard with your glaze?
Beck does, yeah.
And you're all right with that? Because it buries it, right? It buries it.
Yeah, guys, listen.
We could talk about it.
I feel like we should myth bust this.
Bust the myth a little.
I-
You gotta be open, though.
I'm open. I have had and continue to have mustard incorporated into dishes.
You know, like, it's just like, hot dog, like, yellow mustard or brown mustard, like, on something, or like, as a dip or something, no way. That's filthy disgusting.
I will say, not liking honey mustard is very confusing.
I just, I, it's, it's the mustard, it's just mustard.
Stirred.
Mustard.
It's mustard.
Like a slur. Mustard.
I, that is disgusting to me. And, it doesn't make sense, because a lot of people say like, oh, it's like very vinegary tasting and stuff like that. I love vinegar. I don't like mustard.
I wouldn't describe it that, I think yellow mustard is like, whack.
Well, that's what, yellow mustard-
What's the one with the little brown beads?
That's like brown mustard or Dijon or anything, but like, you know, that is, you know how they make that?
They soak it in like vinegar, and then they puree it.
That's it?
I believe. That's one of the methods.
You know what blew my mind? Almond milk is just crushed up almonds.
Well, they let them soak in water and then they blend them together.
But isn't that weird?
Uh, you can milk an almond?
I know.
I mean, it's, it's more like a milk smooth, it's like an almond smoothie.
But it, you know what I'm saying? I mean, yeah, I mean, I've seen videos of people making it. I'm like, there's gotta be more. Like, I don't believe this. I know.
Almond milk, I know it's a good alternative.
You've said it in the past and I wanted to strangle you. It's not better than whole milk.
I said that almond milk was better?
Yeah. You said you prefer the taste, which I have to take your preference and destroy it.
I don't think that, I don't even remember what whole milk tastes like. I haven't had it in so long.
Delicious, let me tell you, brother.
Maybe I've had it like in stuff, like I'm sure like ice cream has like whole milk in it or something. Are you an oat milk guy? No. Cause I think oat milk. I had oat milk one time. I put it in a coffee just to like try it and I was like, that ruined my coffee.
I've had, I've had all cashew, oat milk, hemp milk, almond milk.
I've only really had almond.
Um, it's, it's just not milk. It, they're, they're like, it's, like, there's no taste or flavoring to it. It's just white and.
I mean, sometimes I would get an almond milk that had, would have like a vanilla in it. And that shit is.
I would eat cereal with that.
So the, the, we are myth busting here. I, I've had and will continue to have mustard incorporated into dishes. But not when it's like a player. You know what I'm saying? Like not when it's like on the cover of Madden.
So like, you wouldn't do like a pretzel dipped in like a Dijon?
No way.
That's crazy.
But every time we've had Texas barbecue, the, like the binder is mustard.
And like that doesn't bother me at all.
There's a ton of other shit in there too.
I love when there's like a peppery crust.
I'm gonna tell you right now, I recently was thinking about that Texas barbecue we had and. Man.
I actually had a very good, I went to a steakhouse recently.
Oh yeah, now you're speaking my languy.
And it was in midtown, so. Finance people, mind you, it's 1pm, not my idea to go here, obviously, to go to a fucking steakhouse at 1pm. But at a, at a steakhouse, bunch of finance dudes there, martinis, steaks. I'm like, bro, how can I, like, wouldn't have survived that industry at all. But they had a bunch of these fucking peppery crusts on these steaks. It was so good. And a lobster mac and cheese that would make you take your head, pull it off and suck your own wiener.
You don't have the.
Like stomach strength for a lot of the best foods.
Call my doctor and tell him I don't need one now, since you're the one.
Consistently making up stomach issues.
No, but like, listen to what you just said. That sounds like the best lunch I've ever had, but if you went-
That's such a heavy thing to eat.
Exactly. If you went and had a lunch that was martinis and steaks and lobster mac and cheese and throw in dessert. You, as Joey, you would need to go lie down.
No, it's not about that. It's about like-
Me as Frankie-
This is an insane thing for a lunch.
I'd walk out there and I'd be like, "This is quite possibly the most energized I've ever felt in my entire life."
But eating that and then being like, "I'm gonna have a dinner later," is crazy to me.
Monday to Friday? I mean, no. Doing that every day is, that is crazy.
Yeah, you're sprinting. You're asking for it.
I mean, metabolism, brother. Like, I, I can eat a big lunch at 1pm, a steak, whatever, and I will be ready for dinner at 5 or 6.
That's just, it, it's not like of interest. Like, it feels like that's such a heavy thing.
And I think, I think that's, I think that's also, and you know, jokes aside, like the whole stomach thing, like, I think that's the, the difference for you, is like, you're just like- "Oh, I'd rather not eat that and feel a little sluggish." But I'm like, "I don't care."
It just strikes me as a dinner food.
Steak?
Like, yeah, like that meal.
Steak is universal, baby. Steak and eggs.
Yeah, I just-
You ever had steak and eggs?
I've had it, but it's not, it's, I definitely wouldn't get that. Like, I feel like my meals need to be, like, light to heavy.
Really?
Yeah, like the lightest stuff in the morning and then something else, and then the dinner one can be whatever.
Brother?
Not super light, but you know.
Every single one of my meals could be like a fucking full diaper of baby shit.
I will say when we're on the, we're on the road and we stop at a fucking Buc-E's, then I'm getting some brisket sandwiches.
Yo!
Don't matter what time it is.
Those brisket and egg-
Blew me away. Shocked me. Didn't think it was gonna be good at all.
Like, eh, that whole experience, I'm not kidding. Listen, a lot of people can say a lot of things about America, especially today. Lord knows I do. Lord knows you don't.
The, like, microcosm of, like, America is Buc-E's. It is.
That's what people probably view us as, yeah.
And, and, and honestly, I'm not ashamed of that because it's good food, it's reasonable prices, it's well-paid employees.
And a fat-ass wall of jerky.
And a... Brother.
And a beaver.
A wall of jerky. What about the wall of sodas?
I missed that.
Yo, they had fountain sodas for fucking days, dude.
Did they?
When we were down there, you didn't see it was called like Big Red?
That's like their drink in Texas. When we were at, when we were at the, the Pecan Lodge in, in Dallas, which by the way...
That was good.
They're fucking, they're like, they were like, "Oh, our drink of choice." Like, on the tap, they had two sections for Big Red. And it's just... Fruit punch soda.
They had a good candy section, too. Oh, what's that shit? Beaver tail? Beaver crunch?
The, yeah, I, I, the...
Fuck.
They're like little corn pops.
Yeah, those things are fucking outrageous.
I'll tell you right now.
Beaver? Beaver shit. What is it called?
Beaver Nuggets.
Buc-E's Beaver...
Oh, oh, the Beaver Nuggets?
Yeah, what are those called?
Bussy Nuggets?
Excuse me? Bussy? Buc-E's Bussy?
No, it's a Beaver Nugget snack.
Right?
It's like a sweet little, it looks like a corn pop.
Yeah, I, I... Hello?
Beaver Nuggets!
Yes, yeah.
That's what it is, Beaver Nuggets. Corn puff snacks.
That's what I said.
They are so probably not good for you.
I mean, it's like fried...
I think it's just a puff, syrup puff?
Fourteen sugars.
Fourteen grams of sugar?
Yeah, and there's thirteen serving sizes in the bag. I ate one, I ate, well, I didn't eat the whole bag.
You ate like half a bag.
I ate half a bag in the ride to, I don't know, maybe fifteen minutes somewhere.
That's a big bag.
Bro, yeah.
So...
No, no, no, I stopped for my health, not because I needed to.
Joey, when we got to wherever we were going next, you ran like three quarters of a marathon.
It's like I'm gonna burn off this Buc-Ee's. But the Buc-Ee's, yeah.
You been to a Buc-Ee's? Hey.
Never.
I mean, we're, we're picky boys, picky boys video. You go, you go to right to Buc-Ee's.
There you go. Good. I was sent a Buc-Ee's costume. The P.O. box.
Yeah, you don't need that.
That's good.
You go to, go to, this is, just document the experience. Look, we're giving you free stuff here, baby.
This is a great idea. You fly to Texas and then you go to as many Buc-Ee's as you can go to in 24 hours.
I mean, that would be, that would be it. We went to four.
You went to four? Why?
We went to four, 20, we drove, driving into Houston.
Why's a good question?
Why or why not, I think is the right question.
Or, or did we know we were doing that is better because...
I think the first, so we, we talked, not talked shit, but like Zach was just like...
He was talking it up, similar to what we're saying.
But like, he was all about it. And then on the drive, he was like, guys, we're passing a Buc-Ee's on the drive from Dallas to Houston. And we were like, alright, whatever, like, we'll stop to appease you. We walked in blown away.
Bro.
Blown away.
The brisket's good.
Hot brisket on the board! It was a four hour drive, or three and a half hours, what was it?
I don't know.
We stopped at another one.
And not like a, oh, Frankie needs to stop. It was like, everyone's just like...
Where is it?
Alright, there's another one coming up.
I miss it. And then two more?
And then leaving Houston to, to go to Austin.
Two more.
Okay. And it, and I don't think that we realized that we had done that until it was over. I mean, like, we just did four. So...
It became a problem when like, the next morning, we were just like, we'll just go to Buc-Ee's for breakfast.
Yeah, I would've. If they had one up here, I'm telling you, dude.
Yo, I'm letting you know right now, that's one of those places I'm driving and experiencing traffic to go and experience.
You, you should do that, though. It's a funny video.
Alright. Cause you guys did it for, you did it for the Rainforest Cafe.
We did.
At, uh...
Hitting a Buc-Ee's.
In Minneapolis, right?
Yeah, Minneapolis. I spun a wheel. If you find an area where there's like enough, like within a, you know, reasonable driving distance, you could probably hit a bunch.
I'm sure, like... I think there's one in Florida, which is an easier drive than, I mean, easier fly than, than Texas.
Also, great bathrooms.
Literally award-winning bathrooms.
Award-winning?
Yes, they got recognized by like, you know, like Rest Stop Daily or something like that.
Like a Michelin star outside the...
Yo, yes dude.
They have a car wash, they have a lot of different, like, gas pumps. So like, they're there for the peep, for the people.
I'm looking up, uh, the closest Buc-E's for you.
The closest one is in like Tennessee, I think.
But every fifteen minutes is there a thunderstorm?
Every fifteen minutes there's a thunderstorm in fucking Rainforest Cafe?
That sucks, no one cares about it.
Is it just lightning and nothing?
Yeah, the animals...
The closest Buc-E's is in Florence, South Carolina.
And it is a, let's, let's say we were to drive from here, let's say we were to drive from right here.
That's a, it's a bit of a drive.
Nine, ten?
Ten and a half.
But, that flight is like, hour buck twenty?
Yeah, if that.
Dude.
Seeing if I could hit ten Buc-E's in twenty-four hours?
Bro, with enough enthusiasm and gas, yeah. I mean, I don't even know if that's true, but it would be something. But you gotta get a brisket sandwich every time.
Yeah, it's, it's really, I'm not even kidding, like...
Or some jerky, definitely some beaver nuggets.
Now it sounds like something I send Danny to do.
Yeah, I mean Danny would probably rip that place to shreds.
Place is amazing, and I'm, I'm... Gonna find a way to get back there soon.
I saw a bird in one.
That's cool.
Yeah, he just was like walking in and out near the exit, because he knows what's going on.
What kind of bird?
It was like a pigeon.
But he was just like, you know, like... I know there's brisket in here.
I mean, if, if you're a bo- a bird, the place to live is Buc-E's.
You know, you gotta, you gotta commit to it.
It's not a bang for your buck. I mean, if... Oh my god, I didn't even realize I said that.
Look at that, Buc-E's, hire the guy! Let's get a brand new, yo, you think Buc-E's will be a sponsor?
No. I don't think they need any more marketing, like people, it's like a mythological like creature.
Why don't we start a Buc-E's up here?
It's privately owned.
But can we be like franchisees?
No, because it's privately owned.
So like hit up Mr. And Mrs. Bucky? And be like, listen. My name is Joe Santagato. You might have recognized me from.
My friend Joe Jonas.
My friend Joe Jonas, uh, uh, people of the interma- uh, uh, people of Walmart, uh, version twenty-eight. Uh, and co-host of the wildly popular and incredibly funny basement yard.
I am looking to expand my business empire. Now. The best way to do that would be.
Gas station.
Gas station to bring an iconic piece of the United States. To the northeast. Let me introduce you to, and then you would pull a big like, like a sheet. And you would have like a model, you know how they do that in those like movies and stuff like that? Be like. Buc-E's of New York. And it would be a fucking. One city block in Manhattan. And it's a Buc-E's. And it's a five foot tall, no, five story tall. Buc-E's.
Five foot tall Buc-E's.
You know how?
If you own that land, why even open it? Just the land is worth more at that point?
He's not thinking.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not. You know how like the, like the garages in Manhattan have like the garage, the bottom part is the parking garage? The bottom part will be all the gas station pumps.
First level. Buc-E's brisket. Second level, merch. Third level, executive offices. Fourth and fifth.
Hotel rooms. Buc-E's themed hotel rooms.
Can we have an indoor pool?
On the roof.
That's not indoor.
On the roof in a bubble.
But the bubble is shaped like Bucky the Beaver.
I'm in.
I, whenever I have these business ideas, I, I surprise myself with how good they are.
Yeah, me too. I'm so surprised. But.
All that to say, it's a lovely gas station. And we're big fans. And I really would, I really honestly think it's one of the best breakfast sandwiches I've ever had. Like, it's definitely within my top five. Definitely is crazy. Top seven, though, for sure.
Doesn't top seven just mean it's seventh?
It could be five to seven.
I would say top five, the, the, the egg and brisket breakfast burrito, whatever that was.
Good, bro.
It's good. And like, yo. You know how I feel about flour tortillas? It was a perfectly cooked flour tortilla.
Mmm, I got mine in a bun.
Perfect. So good.
Anyway, that's all we have for you today. Uh, oh wait, this is the first episode of the new year, so welcome to 2026.
Happy New Year and stuff.
Happy New Year.
Yay!
We started to talk, we tried talking about our resolutions. I wanna call you a bitch less. That's what I, that's one of my ones. I wanna say, I wanna use bitch directed at you less.
What a resolution.
I mean, I think it's something that I can work on.
How about?
Not gonna hold my breath.
How about I tally it and every time you call him one on here, you owe him a hundred bucks?
A hundred bucks?
That would keep him.
Ten bucks.
Ten bucks, I'll do that.
Ten bucks for every bitch, and then at the end of the year.
Alright, but you need a word too, then.
What do I call you a lot?
Uh, well, we can't say those slurs on here.
Set that one right up.
Yep, yep. How about every time he points at you, ten bucks?
Ooh, that's a good one, yeah.
And then at the end of the year.
You give it all to me.
No, we'll give it all to-
We're just full of ideas on this show.
We'll give it all to charity.
Yes, of course. I like that.
The charity is named.
Frank Albers Charity for New Collectibles.
For new business ideas, for opening up a Buc-Ee's in Manhattan.
Alright, so it, it'll be the bitch count and the point count.
Love that.
I think you need to actually say on top of it, though, too.
I will.
And then you gotta throw in ten dollars every time you fucking make some sexual remark over there.
Yeah, you horny dude. You're a horny boy.
Cream pies and glory holes over there.
Pink panties. Throw ten dollars down right now.
That'd really be handcuffing me there.
That's a sexual one, too. Horny.
Twenty dollars.
He wants to be handcuffed.
But that is all for this week's episode. Frank, where can they find you?
The Frank Alvarez is on social media everywhere. And then make sure you check out TBY Tour merch for any available pieces of our merch from our tour if you want to try to get your hands on them.
And you can find me at @AntPrisco on Instagram. Ah, it's a new year. It is a new year. We're gonna edit that out. Yeah. Go follow me @JoeSanagato in the basement yard.
It'd be funny if someone just bleeped over what he said.
And that is all. We'll see you guys next time.
Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated