The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. Are you scatting?
No, I'm doing like the beginning of like Christmas songs when they have like the bells, but they're like, not bells. You know what I'm talking about? It like, it sounds like it's just like.
You know that?
That's a great add-on to that song. Dude. The ding ding dingaling dong ding in the background? Amazing.
Happy holidays, Seem.
Happy holidays, got the trees.
Merry Christmas, we got trees.
Got a tree, they're naked.
And they won't be.
They won't be naked, baby.
And decided to put them up for the fucking, for the episodes.
I also have a tree.
You also have a tree, yeah.
Mine's right here.
Yeah.
Right, exactly.
This art is not imitating real life right now, because your tree is probably more likely bigger than both of ours combined.
Wait.
Remember these big fat cock guys?
Oh, that's what you're talking about. Yeah, you got a big, what a loser with his big dick and balls!
Oh, let me guess. Life is so great having a massive dong.
Oh man, how am I even gonna drag this around the whole holiday?
I am doing a perspective thing for sure, because this tree looks way bigger on there than what it is.
Yeah, well, I mean, that's...
Part of it, that's part of it.
That's part of the game, my friend. You gotta play the game in order to win the match.
What's your favorite Christmas song?
Uh, you're gonna hate my answer. I've told you this a million times and you hate it.
Is it Jingle Bells?
No, no, no, it's Melaka Liki Maka.
Oh, you're one of those guys.
Well, it was my mom's and like, she always...
Was it?
Yeah, my mom is a big Bing Crosby guy.
Your mom seems like a, um...
Fucking Michael Buble guy. Michael Buble was, is only around the last 20 years. She had a whole lifetime prior to that. Yeah, but once you hear Mikey Bubs. Mikey Bu- don't get me wrong. Yo, his voice is like butter, dude. I'm telling you right now, if you can take like a s- a piece of silk and make it into a human being, that's the bubbles. This, his voice is like, I feel like he could cure me. I remember the first time I saw him, it was at like a 2003 or 2004, like they did, remember they would do like the Christmas tree lighting? And it was like a big thing people watched on TV. I'm sure they still do it, but it's not as cool anymore. Yeah. Because Whitney Houston isn't there. Okay.
That's the first time I heard they were like, and you know, here's Michael Buble. Mikey Boobs. And I remember at the time should be like, this guy's got something. Yeah, here we go, Simon Cowell over here. Fucking Michael Buble, one of the most like easiest voices, like it sounds like he's not even trying, he's like, "I've yourself," oh my god. Whoa, you had it there. You started, you should've kept going. You started. I could do one note, but that's it. That's it.
I know, I know where to stop. Yo, he's, the guy's good. Mikey Boobs, dude? And I'll tell you this though, but I'm gonna be honest about Mr. Boobs. Talk about the boobs. It's his Christmas stuff that is the hits. His otherwise stuff, it's okay. Oh, isn't he, that's kinda wild. Sway with me? But that's, that's a cover. What's that? Doesn't he only do covers? No. First of all, no one's disrespecting the boob in front of me. Don't, don't let him talk about boob covers like that. Don't talk about, yeah, you're not talking about boob covers, you're talking about bras. Mikey Boobs, but the, the Christmas album, absolutely ridiculous. Dude, and he is one of those people that has done the unthinkable, and he has put new Christmas music
in the stratosphere of like iconic Christmas music, because most of the Christmas music that we like is 70 years old.
I apologize to the boobs. What is a song that he created involving Christmas?
Don't fucking disrespect the boobs.
Involving Christmas?
No, I see what he's doing. He's rage baiting him.
No, you said you, he added new.
I'm saying his version of Christmas songs.
So they, the covers.
Are so, shut up.
So you're saying the covers?
Shut the hell.
Yo, you're disrespecting the boobs. I'm judging. I'll come over there and I'll fucking shove that fucking tree in your ass. You talk about the boobs like that.
I like the boobs, was just asking a question.
Yo, Mikey Boobs, you know what's funny about that Christmas album? You know the song like? Santa baby.
Oh, yeah.
Da da da, da da, da da da. When he does it, he goes, "Santa buddy." Cause he's not gay, dude.
Cause he's not gay, dude. He's not gay.
Santa buddy!
The boobs understands. He's not like, it's not Santa baby, cause he's not trying to like.
He's like, "Yo, I'm not calling the sh-" I'll, I'll sing Christmas songs, but I'm not calling them baby."
Yeah, what do you think they shaved? You think they were gay people in the seventies? No way!
I'm fucking Mikey Boobs, I'm not gay!
Nah, Mikey Boobs.
I'm pretty sure he's married and has a family.
He seems like a very nice guy. Let's get that out of the way.
Let's make that very clear.
I love Mikey Boobs.
Right. To be clear, also a cover, right?
See, like, see, what, see, what are you trying to do?
Yo, yo, you're gonna, you're fucking, you're going down a bad way right now with me.
You're going down the wrong alleyway, and guess what? We're the thugs at the end, ready to stick up for boobs.
I think he would meet me in the middle, but.
No, we'll let you get there, so you got a sense of comfort.
First of all, it's our alleyway.
Yeah, don't tell us how to operate our alleys.
Yeah, we wait, you think that you're safe when you're halfway through.
Keep your boob talk out of our alleys, you know what I'm saying?
Got it, got it, got it.
I just, he has done, like, his versions of Christmas songs.
Hold up, I'm looking up this album now. I'm not, I'm not taking this shit. They have gone into like, it's very hard to crack into like iconic Christmas music. And he's one of, I would say, four modern artists that has done it. Obviously, Mariah Carey's the other one. Well, she, I mean, that might be the greatest of all time.
Cr- fucking, what's his name? Beebs.
Mm-hmm.
Overrated.
What's overrated?
His Christmas music.
It's...
It...
I can't, what am I gonna say to that? I mean, it's just like, it's an insane thing to say to people.
I will say this. At least his was original. You know who has a shady...
It wasn't!
Was it? Yeah. Some of it was. You know who has a shady...
There's a song called "Christmas Love"? Banger.
Who cares? You know who has an incredible, original, I think, Christmas song that is also a big, we're big fans of here at the Basement Yard? K. Clark. Kelly Clarkson.
She's so... Bro!
(singing)
That song?
Hit the fucking desk harder, so we can all hear. Jesus.
Yo, that song, it does, there's no lead-in, it's just like, boom, we're off to the race.
And she's just fucking like...
Banger.
I love slow, like Nat King Cole, you know, like, I love that.
There's a candle and it's snowing.
But when you get punched in the mouth by Kelly Clarkson's vocals?
Nothing is preparing you for it.
Usually Christmas music is like more slow and it's like a cozy song and you're laying on the couch, whatever, but that song's like someone threw a present in your fucking face. Just like, bang, Christmas slut!
Wait, you never answered, what's your favorite Christmas song?
Oh, I, I, yeah, I didn't. Um, also, I'm looking up the, the tracklist.
Is it all out?
To the, to the boob. Um...
It's all covers.
Most...
Pretty much. But that doesn't matter. The thing that he's done, which I think is even more impressive,
Is he's made him...
He's taken these songs and been like, these are mine now.
And these are better than the original versions.
Andy Williams who?
Perry Como? Don't think so.
Well, hold on, Andy Williams, that one I really like.
It's a banger, don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong.
When you hear those bells,
it's the most...
I'm like, forget it, bro. It just, it, I hear that song and it puts me in like, holiday rush mode, you know what I'm saying?
I'm shopping during that.
I'm shopping, you know, and I'm running around with the bags like this, like,
where are the toys?
Yeah, exactly.
I, I, I'm fully in on the Andy Williams.
It's the most wonderful time!
Also, we gotta give credit to our girl Brenda Lee. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree is quite frankly, just an all-timer.
I feel like it's a little over. I think, I think, I don't know.
Wait, what, what's your favorite Christmas song? I can see yours be, I think I know it.
Yeah, I think you do.
It's the Mariah Carey.
No, it's not.
Oh!
Well, I mean, it's hard to not, like, that is a great one, but like, I really like the fucking NSYNC song. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.
The fact that's even in your top 10 is bananas to me. It's a good song.
What?
It's a good song, dude.
It's a hit.
I wouldn't...
Yeah?
I don't even think it deserves to be in the fucking sniffing competition.
You could sniff it.
Frank, that's not an expression at all.
It doesn't deserve to be in the sniffing competition. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Mine doesn't have a good rep right now.
Oh, is it? Baby, it's cold outside?
Baby, it's cold outside.
That is a great song, but I...
It's so good.
But it is a little sexually aggressive.
A little?
A lot of sle-.
Bro, let the girl go home.
Jesus.
But, I will say, the version in Elf, my favorite.
Ooh, you're going Zooey Deschanel?
She kills that, bro. I love hearing that. And even like, Will Ferrell be like...
No, but like, no, but they do...
Fuck with that.
So he does it in the movie, but like, there's someone that does like, an official cover with her. That voice is caramel in a chocolate. I don't know exactly who it is, but, "Baby, it's cold." I can't even do it proper justice.
That is a good one. It is sexually aggressive, so you're getting cancelled.
I do think they redid it. I think they redid it and took out some of the...
I mean, if they redid this song, it should be, "Baby, it's cold outside." I really can't say, "Okay, let me call you a cab." Or, "Okay, let me escort you home." He's just like, "No, come here. What's in this drink?" "Oh, what's that?"
What is that about, by the way?
Yeah, it's not great. It's really not great.
Say, "What's in this drink?" He's like, "Shh, shh, shh, it's cold. Come on."
She's like, "Why is my drink fizzing?" He's like, "It's freezing out there."
What's that tab at the bottom of my drink? And he's just like, "It's so ice cold."
I love that he wasn't even backing down from like, "It's cold." Like, "It's just cold outside."
Like, that's the only thing he needs.
Yeah, like, that's all he could think of was like, "I, I, it, do you not understand it's freezing?" And then he tries to like, find other ways to like, work that in, where he's just like, "It's up to your knees out there." Like, "You're not even gonna be able to make it home, dude."
First of all, if the snow is up to my knees out there?
I'm playing in it.
I'm going out there. Oh, you think I'm not making a snow angel, dude?
When's the last time you played in the snow?
Every year. Really? Like you go out and play in the snow? What is playing in the snow? Like roll around, jump around, throw snowballs? Oh, I'm rolling. Really? I'm rolling every year. Good for you. I'm glad. That's more like me than like you. How can that be? Because you are more like, when it snows outside, I need to open my emails and talk about bottom line and gross margins. The thing is, you don't know me at all, clearly. No, I know you quite well. Oh, and I'm, oh, I'm Frank, I'm the quirky guy, so I go and I make a, shut the fuck up! You're damn right, I'm the quirky guy. Fuckin', I'm looking up songs right now. You know what sucks, dude? That song, I don't even know if it's a Christmas song, it's, oh, it is a Christmas song. War is over. War is over.
I mean, that's John Lennon, yeah, why, oh, well, because he starts up, "Well, so is Christmas." That's fire. That part's cool. "What have you done?" Hate the rest of the song, though. I mean, I will say, the only Bruce Springsteen song that I like is his version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." That's a good one. It's like, "We got a, a drum!" Yeah, no, Bruce Springsteen, dude, that's my favorite. He's like, "Hey, man!" "Clarence, you got a Santa Claus gonna bring you a new saxophone on round." Yeah, man. "You better good man, dude." And he's just like, "You better watch out." "Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry." It's, it's, it's the only good Bruce Springsteen song, I will go out and say that, on the record, and I'm gonna get killed in Jersey for saying that. Yeah, that's fucking crazy that you think that. I mean, what's, what's better than that?
I don't know what's better than that. What is good? "Glory Days." He's just screaming, "Glory Days!" That's a great song, dude. Vague, who cares? What's the other Bruce song that I know of? "Born a Run!" "Born in the USA." First of all, those are all... They're really good. Yo, "Born a Run" is so good. Mid, mid, mid, mid, at most. No, it's not. "Born a Run" is unbelievable. It's just him. "Hey, we were born who, uh..." Listen. It's pretty good, an impression. I gotta be careful, because it's pretty good. Yeah, you're, honestly, you're on a, you're on a vocal hit this morning. I don't know what's happening. I am going to get some shit for my Springsteen slander. He lives like, I think like 25 minutes from where I am. He will come over here. You know what that means? No, no, no, no. The property taxes are unbelievable out there.
No, his property taxes are way, his were in the hundreds. Frank, you don't know this song. You scared the fuck out of me right here. Sorry, I got mad excited because I saw the words right there. You don't know this song, probably. Because it's, it's a, it's like a- It's a Christmas song by Ariana Grande. Oh, I know it. Santa, baby, when you're ready, yeah. That is it, but- Never come and save us all. That's probably like my favorite Christmas song right now. I blast that song. That, I, I was talking about Miles with that song this morning. He was just like, wait, she sings too? And I was like, she's the total package, dude. Holy shit, he's like, oh, that's crazy that people don't know Ariana Grande sings. Well, he's, he's only, he's only 10. Yeah. You know, he really only knows her from Wicked. And I was like, yeah, she acted, then she sang, and now she's back to acting, and I'm sure she'll do singing again.
Uh, but, uh- Santa, tell me if you're ready, yeah. I can't, I mean, clear, I can't hit the whistle though, you know what I'm saying? You're not Ariana Grande. Yeah, I'm not Ariana Grande. She's a pop anomaly. Let's make it very clear. She's not very grande, I will say that. She's very- She's very pequeña. Yeah. You know? She is. Uh, but, uh, what were you gonna say? Um, I don't know. Okay. Was I, was I gonna say something? I don't know. So I would say that like, modern Christmas songs, these are my top five modern Christmas songs that have broken into being all-time hits. Okay. Mariah Carey, "All I Want for Christmas Is You." Duh. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Is that modern? Was that 92? I mean, I- Hot take. Uh, no. Hot take what? Hot take what, though? That it's old, or that it's like what?
God, here we go. Hot take what? That song's kinda overrated now. That song kinda sucks. Joey, call the gunsmith. Ask him to fashion two guns we can brandish that shoot 100 bullets. I'm gonna call the North Pole and put you on the naughty list, you fucking piece of shit. First the Mikey boobs and now this? What, what do you like? Not much.
Get out of there.
I'm calling the bomb company.
We're calling 1-800-bomb on you. Yeah, hey, bombs, bombs.com. Bombs away. Bombs, Bombs R Us? Make one for Ant. I just, I think, All I Want for Christmas Is You. Sure. Anything by Michael Buble. The Boobs. We could put the NSYNC song in there. It's not my favorite, but I could see its appeal. It's, it's, yeah. The Ariana Grande. Santa darling, whatever it is. Santa tell me. Sure. And, uh, Kelly Clarkson.
It's a, it's just a, it's just stupid. It's a good day today.
She's so good.
Yo, I got gooseies. I got gooseies.
Give me one Christmas song you like. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas?
It's beginning.
Dude, you know who has a banger of a Christmas album too?
Who is that?
Is that, is that Andy?
It might be Perry Como. I mean, I'm sure all of them did a version of it. Uh, but Elvis got some bangers.
Bro, am I the only one that sees Elvis and I go, who like that?
Dude, horny teens in the 50s.
I know, but I'm like, I'm like, listening to him and I'm like, what is this?
Nah, he's, he's got some, he's got some songs that I could see the appeal to.
That's what I'm hearing.
It, it's, it's just clearly he stole the sound from Chuck Berry, did it himself, and everyone in the music industry was just like, a white man doing it. And they're like, now we love it. Bing Crosby. Okay.
Oh, yeah, Bing.
We've talked about him.
Yeah, we've talked about him. Big Bang Boom Crosby, baby.
There's some stuff there.
With all these guys.
Every single one.
Any sort of white person who's singing a really good song, and it's filmed in black and white, I'm like, alright.
And, I mean, we need to look into this. Let's just look, anyone, I would say 90% of them, pre-19...
99.
You know what's a red flag for me? When it's black and white and the white people are holding a skinny microphone. I'm like, look into that.
Oh, like the Lawrence Welk show? Where they're just like...
Just, just look into that. Cause there has to be-
There might have been some stuff with Bob Barker too. He kept that skinny microphone to the end.
Well, that one's extra skinny. That one was super skinny.
No, they all had some skinny dick microphones.
Well, the ones that are like, "heep!", and it's like a little pop.
Yeah, dude.
It's like a fucking, you know what I mean? Like a Q-tip.
Alright, so the crux of this episode, which we were getting to, because we could talk Christmas music all day, is, we decided that as we were doing these Christmas trees, holiday trees, if you feel attacked by us, I know how much Ant hates that.
Uh, we decided we were gonna bring in some ornaments to decorate them.
It's the Santa Gato Studios Basement Yard way. We spread cheer. We lay it on thick.
Right.
Velvety.
Okay.
Like the silky sounds of the Michael Boobs.
Yeah, Mikey Boob-Blay.
Uh, so-
Damn, let's get him on the show and have him just fucking serenade us.
I would do a whole episode with just Michael Boob-Blay singing to us.
I will throw an episode away to do that.
Just have him stand right there and whenever he feels like it, sing. And I'll just shut up.
Uh, he's gotta sing cool stuff. If he starts throwing out like the religious Christmas songs, I'm off.
Bro, Little Drummer Boy?
What is that song?
Who cares?
Even-
Who cares about this little kid that can play the drums? Yo, you know what's a banger? Noel. That I actually thought of.
Noel, Noel.
Oh wait, no, not Noel. Not that. There's another song that I'm like-
Noel.
Oh, it's, it's, it's another one in Elf. At the end, the song with the, uh, fuck, what's it called? It's like, not real words.
I don't know.
She's on the piano, like James Caan's playing the piano and she's singing it. Oh my god, I just watched Elf the other day.
Oh, fuck, yeah, we just watched it the other day too. Now I can't, I know what you're-
Like, literally the end credits.
Oh, that, there's, those are real words. I mean, they're like not, though.
That was good. Old Lang Syne? See what I'm saying? The shit is words, but it ain't words. Old Lang Syne? It's literally, it's, that's what it's called. It sounds like a board game that's stupid. It sounds like Latin.
Probably.
What are the words? What are the actual words? Like pig Latin?
No.
Is pig Latin? Inse is the unse.
Rob Stewart.
Rod Stewart?
Rob.
Oh, Rob Stewart. Oh, I thought you were saying Rod.
No, no, no, it is Rod.
Rod Stewart? Maggie May, Rob Stewart? Ma- is, didn't you say his dad said that he had, he was filled with some stuff?
My dad said that.
Yeah, your dad, that's what I'm saying.
He said they pumped a bunch of cc's of jizz out of him.
In a hospital. And I'm like, I'm not even gonna listen to what you're saying.
I was in the hospital. Also started that with, did you hear about Rod Stewart, Dad? No one has heard about him. At that point, I was in my twenties. No. No, no, no, no. I know two songs.
Are you gonna tell us the words?
No, the, it's Old Lang Syne.
Yeah, it's, yeah, it's, it's that, and then it goes into like, Old Lang Syne, my dear, Old Lang Syne.
What the hell is Old Lang Syne mean?
I believe it's like an, it's a Scottish poem.
Scottish? Oh, can't, don't fuck with the Scottish. They'll beat the brakes off of us. No one's doing that. Oh, you? I like looked into it, cause I remember hearing that song and being like, wow, I love this song so much for some reason. And then I was like, I wonder what the words are, cause I ca- you know, sometimes you hear a song and you're like, I don't know what that part, like it's, it could be anything. And then I looked it up and I was like, oh, it's what I thought it was, it's just not. It's just not real. I would love to hear like a Scottish Christmas song, or like a Christmas song sang in Scottish. Well, give me, give me one, give me one and I could, cause I know it would be just very loud.
Yeah, probably Jingle Bells.
Jingle bells, them fucking bells are jingling. They're doing it, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the fucking way.
Oh, man. God damn it, I love Christmas. Yeah.
It means old, like, old times, for old times' sake.
Stupid. Ah, okay. Alright, so we brought in some ornaments, each of us, to decorate our trees. Yeah. Uh, and we're gonna go, and we're gonna show them, and we're gonna hang them up. And I think in true basement yard fashion, they're probably gonna be a little ridiculous.
Yeah. Uh, I'll go first?
Oh! I, the, (laugh) the first one I have, it's a, it's a cheeto, but it's got Danny DeVito's face, and it's a Danny De-Cheeto. That is, that's really orange. It's, and this looks like it was 3D-printed. Does it taste good? Yeah. Not edible. Not edible? That's cool, Danny DeVito, icon. Dude, he's like 80. Fuck off. He's getting up there, dude. Danny DeVito's not 80. I think he is. Oh! I think he's getting up, him, Morgan Freeman, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro. Al Pacino looks 80. He's looked 80 since he was 50, to be fair.
81.
Oh?
Danny DeVito's 81? Yeah. Fuck outta here, bro.
I tell you what, for someone his size.
Don't bring that up. What the fuck? You are skidding on thin ice, and you're about to fall into the lake. What is wrong with you?
It's like how, you know, they say really, really tall people.
First you attack boobs, now you're attacking Danny DeVito? Yeah.
I want 200 years out of him.
Let me tell you something. I love Danny DeVito. You're fucking cruisin' for a bruzen at the end of our alleyway. Okay? Cause we're thugs. We're thugs, okay? Um. That's really cool, though. Wow, that's crazy, 81. You like cheetos? That's more of a cheese doodle, if we're being honest. I know, I don't really fuck with the puffed, I fuck with those. I fuck puffs, too. I don't really like the crunchy ones. I want some hips behind my cheetos. I wanna, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want this thing to, like, pack a punch. Sometimes I like to shove two into my mouth, like I'm at the dentist. And then, yes! I do that, and then I punch my cheek.
Okay, that one you're doing by yourself?
No, no, no, no, you guys don't do that? Not a shared experience. Really? Yeah.
I threw up a full cheetos puff once.
I threw up chee- uh, chee- uh, chee- I threw up. Choo choo choo choo choo. I threw up, uh, cheese doodles in pre-k. All over the floor. Wait, what'd you do? Wow. What, what, what did you do?
I threw up a full Cheetos puff once.
I threw them up too. You didn't eat it, you didn't, you didn't chew it?
I, I have a suspicion that it formed a Cheeto back in my stomach.
Okay. What an insane. What is insane? So wildly inaccurate, my bro. I have a suspicion that, that, that science and physics. Put it back together. You think, you think your stomach is just cooler than everyone else's stomach? Regular ass stomach. Bro, imagine if you did throw up and came out with the, the full thing. I mean, that, that happens with like, I know people that have like thrown up pills and they've come out full pills still, cause they take a time. That's not what I'm saying at all.
He's saying like throwing up, like you eat a steak, then it comes back a T-bone.
Like a steak. That would be kinda cool, actually. A T-bone. Um, alright, Danny De Cheeto, I kinda love that. Yeah. I think that's a nice color pop. Yeah. And it's a good looking De, DeVito. Yeah.
Alright, I'm gonna start.
So, it's been a good year in our house.
Great year, incredible year, but I, I, I have noticed that one of the most regular inclusions in any grocery order that we have is pickles. So that's why I have this, which is a Christmas tree made of pickles. Mmm. It's just such a pickle year, I think pickles are having a resurgence, I brought back Hawaiian shirts, I brought back the word laborious, I do think that I am slowly bringing back pickles for the world. You, okay. What? That's, why is your other hand below the desk? I don't like that. Okay, cause I didn't know if there was something going on. I mean, there's some other stuff going on. I'm sure there is. I got some other stuff. Um. Just into pickles, man. Yeah.
Bro, we get pickles so much. Like, every order we do, it's stacked with pickles.
What is stacked with pickles? Costco sized pickle jars. And we get the Grillo's. Where do they go? Into our mouths, brother. No, no, where can it be stored? Into the fridge, my brother. You could fit a giant jar in your fridge? It's like this. Yeah. And it's the Grillo's pickles. Are those, are those full or are they sliced? They're sliced. I do get their half sours though and I've, dude, you know I love pickles, remember at the old studio? Yeah. I'd get pickles all the time. Yeah, I mean, watching you eat a pickle, that is the interesting thing. My days of consuming pickles have changed. My previous days. Okay.
I used to, I, it used to be a little sexually aggressive, just like that song. Yeah, it was.
Now, instead of the full pickle at once, you take bites?
No, he like, he sucks the pickle dry. And I'm, and I know that sounds like I'm trying to make a joke, but it, he literally would like suck the pickle. Until there was no moisture. Yeah, what I would do is I'd turn it into a raisin, which is naturally a pickle raisin. Right. And it, I would bite the top off and I would, I would literally, I can't do this. Suck it off. Yeah, you'd suck it until it's dry. I, I would, I would. You'd suck it rotten. Can you, can you take it back one fucking step? I feel like I'm not being that crazy. I think you're being a little crazy in sucking something rotten. Well, I, I think that's a, that's a nice one. It's good. I like it.
Do you have ornaments too?
I do.
Oh, nice, good.
A little bag.
Oh! Um, I don't know if they're all gonna fit on the tree. I got one and I realized how big it was.
So, this is a ornament.
That.
Hey, Ant.
Yep.
What the hell is that?
Yeah, so it's a, it's stuck here, give me a second. It's a mermaid reindeer holding a gift that looks kind of similar to...
Wow, that does kinda look like Joey. What the fuck? Did you make that?
I did not.
Yes, you did!
You wanna come see it? I need to get close to this guy.
What do you got rattling over there?
Why am I, why am I...
Oh, he's stuck. Oh, you're real stuck.
I'm wrapped up!
Would you like to see?
Dude, what the hell?
I don't, I don't know.
That is pretty...
Can you see this?
Wait, what did you type into Amazon?
That is uncanny.
Weird ornaments, and it's a mermaid, it's a Christmas mermaid, wearing a scarf with reindeer.
You almost knocked over your tree, by the way. You sat down and it was fucking horizontal.
Oh, there it goes.
We're fine. The cheetos hanging. The cheeto is good?
Um, kinda looks like you.
Yeah, it does. Also, it's the size of your tree.
That's the problem.
That is a big, that is a big ornament. What's that made out of? Is it hollow? Brother!
How much was that? It looks like it was forty dollars!
It was about...
About thirty-three dollars.
How much?
Thirty-three dollars.
Dude, that's a lot of money to spend on a joke ornament. We're, we're, we're, also, that was, that's out of your pocket.
Well, this one looks like... This one looks like you. I feel like it'd be out of...
This is unbelievable. Oh, wait, we're getting reimbursed for our purchased ornaments?
Frank, it's a pickle ornament.
I think it's beautiful.
That is insane.
That's big, dude. Oh, of course, he got little tree, big ornament. He's overcompensating for his tree.
That's the biggest one I have.
It's huge! It's way too big. It's the biggest one I've ever seen! Needless, yeah, honestly, that is the biggest. Outside of like the stars that go on top, which I didn't bring any, did you? I didn't bring any either.
I forgot that.
You would hate the star that we had on top of our tree for years. I already know what it is. What is it? Is it the same one as Espo? Which one is Espo?
It's like the Super Mario star?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was.
Children.
Okay, um... We do, let's, before we get to the rest of the ornaments here, uh, we do have, uh, some sponsors for the show. The first one being How You Doin' Zocdoc, okay? So, don't forget that during this holiday season, you also wanna be healthy, be happy. Uh, a lot of people going into the new year also, um, you know, they start doing their new year's resolutions, and they wanna be healthier and whatnot, but you should go to the doctor and get your checkup, your yearly checkup.
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Alright. We'll catch you on the flippity-flop.
Alright, so it's your turn.
I have to add the ribbon.
You need to add the ribbon.
I didn't do this part.
Oh my god.
Um, this one is a heavy hitter here.
Heavy hitter in what regards?
This is, uh, Thickeless Cage.
It's Nicolas Cage on a thick girl's body.
It's backwards, it's backwards.
Shit!
There you go.
There it is, there's Thickeless Cage.
Yo.
Yeah. Oh wait, is that his face from Con Air?
Um, I hope.
Um, but yeah, that was a great movie. Dude, you know what's so funny that you say that?
You know what is so fucking funny that you have that ornament? You know who texted me in the wee hours of the night last night?
Nicolas Cage?
Could you imagine? No. Hank Green.
Oh yeah, he texted me yesterday.
Yeah, he goes, "Joe shared your number. Sorry I didn't send you ducks." Here's a duck, and it was Nicolas Cage.
Not as a duck. And he goes, "Oh fuck, sorry." And it's just another picture of Nicolas Cage, and he's like, "Oh shit."
And I responded, "That's not a duck, that's a goat." Wow. That's a good one. Dude. Hank Green. Nicholas Cage, so you just have a celebrity-filled, celebrity-filled Christmas tree. So far. That's all he, that's all he wants, that's all he needs. Favorite Nick Cage movie? God, god, um... Damn, you know what? I just watched National Treasure on a plane. It's so good! It's good, man. It is so good. I really liked that movie.
What's the one with the green, the green balls?
Oh, that's The Rock.
Those green balls look sick, dude.
Is that with, uh, Sean Connery? Sean Connery, yeah, yeah. Michael Bay.
That's about, what's it called?
Breaking out of, or breaking into...
Alcatraz.
Alcatraz, yeah.
Let's put, let's put Nicky up here.
Ooh, you're getting Nick, Thickeless Cage right in the middle? Thicker than a fucking bowl of oatmeal, I'll tell you that.
That's crazy. I saw someone recently said, "Thicker than zoo glass."
That's great. That's a good one. Okay. Well, listen.
I'd be remiss if I didn't bring in something from my childhood. And I had to, and I know I previously brought this up, but this was mine when I was a child. It's a skateboarding dinosaur, and now that I look at it, I have the wrong one. This is my brother's. Where is mine?
That's not your brother, that's yours?
It says "Sun 1994" on the, on the, on the back. Oh, fuck, okay. Wait, do you have all of your, your skating dinosaurs? I guess I have, I guess. Or have you just had this one forever? I've had this one and be like, "This is mine," and now that I see it's 94, maybe it's my brother's. It cannot be, or maybe you got it when you were two years old! Or maybe they just got it to me in two years old, yeah. Regardless, he's a skating dinosaur with a backwards cap. Which is so cool. And a pink backpack, which at the time, not ideal. Yeah. You know, but, look, he's hip, he's fly, he's got a bit of childlike wonder, and he's bouncing on his really rad skateboard. That's cute. I think it really captures my joy and happiness.
Yeah. You don't look like it. I think I can look like it, what?
You can't. The building's coming down, by the way. The building is on its way down. Yeah, Hagrid just got here. What was that?
It's just, you know, this is, this is a, a family, an Alvarez family relic. And this will last forever. Nice. And if it ever gets thrown out, I will haunt any of my ancestors that have done that. I'm sure you will. That seems like on par for you. Don't say it like that. What, if people throw stuff out, I, I believe it. Alright.
I was, I was looking at the, uh, my feed over here. The arms on this thing look great in this lighting.
Nice.
Just saying.
Yeah, you're horny.
Alright, what else you got?
I have one that looks like Joe, so I thought I'd get one that looks like Frankie. I have It, Pennywise.
Oh, fuck you! Wow. Why do I look like It? What am I looking at? Who am I? I can't even see it. Why is the balloon in front of his face?
That's a little bit of it.
Cause that's how he stands, dude. Oh, that's right. Ready to float? Not bad! That was pretty good. Not bad, dude.
I don't think you look like this.
I, I figured it was a joke.
Um, although, Bill Skarsgård?
Actually, I know what I think about it. He's got big eyes. He's got big eyes. Dude, that whole family. Bill, Alex. Bro, they can see, dude. They can see. They can see, and they can act, let me tell you. Yeah. Like a family of actors. Good for them. Uh, I... Have you seen, you've seen the It movies, right, Joey? Yeah. Um, I only saw the first one. It was, the second one was a little disappointing personally. Well. It's a little crazy, too. They took some stuff out of those books that I'm glad they took out. Do you know about the books? Ant, you know about the books?
Yeah, well, they had to take out that.
Yeah. Uh, so the- I'm not-
Stephen King's a weird dude.
Stephen King was clearly on cocaine for several decades. And, uh-
When the kids get out of the tunnel?
Yeah, when they get out of the tunnel after they defeat It in the first part of the book.
They thought that to defeat It, they needed to grow up and not be kids anymore?
Yes.
So they all practice having sex with the one female member of the losers' club. He's writing these about-
Excuse me?
He's writing this about ten-year-olds.
I didn't know Frankie was just gonna hammer it there, but-
I mean, I don't think any way to describe it is any worse than the actual what it is.
I had no idea that was part of the thing.
It didn't really work.
It didn't-
I don't think that would've been green. It absolutely did not work.
He ended up coming back.
Right. Well, I got this one for Ant.
Oh! Oh, that's just... What is this?
This one's for you, bud.
Thank you.
You got one from it. Thank you. Yeah, no, um-
Is that supposed- is that Mickey?
It is.
It was.
I'll be honest with you. I got this as a joke and I'm looking at it and I don't like it.
Now you feel bad about it?
Yeah, I do.
You- I'm not- you have a full-on-
What's with this? What's that?
That's like on the things, like they have like little red things on them to like snap it.
Oh, that's the crank?
Yeah, I'm sure it's just like a design thing.
Yeah, I don't like this anymore.
It's kinda mean.
Well, it has to go on your tree now.
Yeah, now you have to put it up there.
You have to put it up-
Now you have to declare that you are a murdering psychopath.
Put it in the back of the tree.
Well, she fell.
Is it like a good quali- that looks like a good quality ornament, too.
Is it heavy?
Yeah, it's kinda heavy. Alright, what do you got?
Okay. Well, I also went the route. This one, uh, it's got some bells on it. So it's festive. Okay. Uh, and it says, "Go ahead, jingle my bells."
Frank, is that- am I looking at a ass?
I think those are balls, brother.
What am I looking at? But what am I looking at?
Uh, it's- yes, that's an ass and underneath those are supposed to be the bells.
Wow.
I just think like, you know, it's playful, it's fun, it's happy.
It's like, it's like a, go ahead. Like, this is what I expect to see on the back of like a Ford F-150 during Christmas time.
And now it's on your tree.
And also a Punisher logo.
That's clearly taken out of context because people don't understand that the Punisher actually didn't like corrupt people.
Alright.
Uh, but yeah, go ahead. It's, it's, it's wood.
Oh, thank god.
I can't put this up on my tree at home.
That's for sure. There will be questions.
There will be questions. I just thought it was a cute little way to say like, "Hey, you don't like me? Fuck you."
Right. This is the appropriate setting for that.
I would think so, yeah.
Well, I mean, I killed Disney.
Yeah, you have a full-on murder scene on yours.
And Ant has, what I can only imagine is the, how he goons over you as a merman.
Oh, it's sex.
What are we doing?
I brought it in. Well, if he's going balls.
You're going?
Gingerbread. I told you I had it.
Yeah, it's an interesting one.
This is what I'm doing.
How do you, YouTube it, it's alright. It's a gingerbread.
Say again?
YouTube, it's a gingerbread.
Oh, they probably, I mean, yeah, I hope not.
They don't know what this is.
I mean, we got balls and now dogs. Yeah, I don't think anthropomorphic characters, like animated characters, are gonna get us into a ton of trouble, right?
You couldn't say animated? You didn't want to say that? What was the reasoning behind anthropomorphic?
That's not even, I don't think anthropomorphic.
I don't even know what it means.
Um.
This is pretty prominent.
Yeah. Who's, who's, and, and for some reason, the balls keep turning toward me, and I don't like that. So, we're just gonna put them, the, the, the balls yearn for you, baby.
The balls just, they're attracted to me, I guess.
Alright, what else do I got in my bag of trees?
Whose is worse? Ant's full-on sexual intercourse happening on his tree, or mine, which is just like a little haha innuendo?
I mean, we don't know. Um, I got-
Maybe answer the mic?
So, this one, very easy, obviously. It's very base mirror.
It's the weener mobile.
Oh, I love it!
Yeah!
That's a good one. Dude. Put a ween on there! Dude. Get your ween out! Come on.
Joey's got a weener on his tree, I got balls on mine, and Ant has where both of them go.
The sex one.
Oh.
I was like, don't talk about that.
I didn't even think of that. Dude, when's the last time you had a hot dog?
It's been a minute.
I mean, obviously, it's December. Oh, yeah, obvious. Okay, so I'm gonna ask. Last week. Oh, yeah. Do you count sausage?
Unless they're called Italian hot dogs.
No? You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't buy that?
What was the occasion?
Uh, Sunday.
Got it.
It was the Lord's Day.
It was the Lord's Day, and daddy needed a dog. Let me tell ya.
What are you, what are you finagling over there?
I have to put in another ribbon for my next one.
Oscar, Oscar Mayer, those are good dogs. Oscar Mayer, Nathans. Some good dogs.
Mm-hmm. The only ornament I bought was the Joe as a mermaid. The rest are all, these all go on my tree.
Oh, my God, that's insane.
You put that actual one on your tree, that's insane.
Yeah, but when, sometimes it's in the back of the tree.
Got it. Okay, well, my next one might be a little infuriating for some people, but
why do we confine to the, the limits, the limits that big Christmas puts on what is and what isn't an ornament? Nay, I say an ornament should be something that you want to proudly figure, uh, uh, excuse me, proudly and prominently feature on your tree. So, yes, these are all technically ornaments, sure. But an ornament that I have that will be going on my tree is Jeff Hardy. Okay? Now, yeah, sure, he doesn't have traditional ornament build. But, it's, it's, a tree should be representative of its owner. And, I am, I, if I am nothing, I am a wrestling fan.
So Jeff Hardy is gonna be going to Swanton Bomb off the top of my tree. Frank, I know you think this is gonna piss me off, but I love it. Really? It's Jeff Hardy. I didn't think you were gonna like it. I thought you would for sure be pissed off and be like, "That's not an ornament." No, I love Jeff Hardy. Is the top of the tree in the shot? I mean, he's gotta be on the top, he's on the top rope.
It definitely won't be in the shot, but...
Alright, so then I'll put him where he's ready to do Swanton.
So Jeff Hardy, man. That's a great. I mean, that, that, that's a WWE legend. Yup. You know, king of the Swanton. Right. And fishnets. Yeah. And humping the air very aggressively. Also was the reason why I bought a necklace once and it cut me, so I had to take that off. The Hardy logo necklace? The sharpest thing I've ever had in my life. My brother wore it playing basketball and it went through a kid's finger. See, yeah, it was fucking dangerous. Did you ever see, you were not a big wrestling fan back in the day, right? Hmm, not really. Did you ever see the Hardy Boys logo? Probably in passing. Dude, look it- But it's like, it's fucked and it's sharp. Dude, look it up and you're gonna see, like, this was on kids' necklaces and this was like diecasted metal, so it was like... It was hard.
It was not- It was like that. Dude. But the, but the edges of it were so sharp, dude, and it like cut me once and my mom made me take it off. I was so upset. Those things were, not that one, that wasn't the one we had. It was just silver and it was like a beaded lo- I mean, we don't need to fucking pull it up, but it was like beaded. Yeah, dude, it was, it was not- It definitely looked sharp. It is. It's not that one, but- It's like that purple one right there. Just type in the necklace, just type in necklace.
Gotcha.
It was, it was, it definitely had some edges to it.
Necklace.
There you go. The first one. Very first one, yeah. Yeah, that thing was sharp as fuck. Dude, it looks pretty rounded in this photo. In this photo, it's not doing a justice. But it killed me. It's not doing a justice.
This one looks sharp, this, this one.
Yeah, it wasn't that one. And no, well, that has a beaded necklace too. Yeah. It could have been that. Well, regardless, this thing almost killed me. But I think my tree wouldn't be who I am and who I feel I am if it didn't have some wrestling on it. Frank, you're not Jeff Hardy. Oh. I'm closer to Jeff Hardy than you are. That's ridiculous. How is that ridiculous? You think you're closer to being Jeff Hardy than me? Who do you think has done more whispers in the wind, you or me? Me! I have Swanton, all I do is Swanton bop. You've done a 101 at Swanton, but I would do a lot of poetry in motions with my brothers. I ju- that's a, that's a Matt Hardy thing. That's me, dude. You don't know who Jeff Hardy is? Don't look at his mugshot. You don't know Jeff Hardy?
No, I didn't say that, I was just trying to compare.
Oh, I was about to freak out. I mean, if we're going based off looks, sure, it's Joey, Twinkie Boy.
But if we're going based off of just general vibe and I'm more of a like a he kinda looks like a like a
What's that shit called? A vampire. He could be if Jeff Hardy was a vampire, I would not be astonished.
No, he wouldn't be able to wear this cross here.
Yeah. That's true, it would hurt him. Also-
It would hurt him.
Of the two of us, you are way more likely to wear fishnets than I am. I'll give you that. I will give you that. Alright, what do you got?
I have a resin Twisted Tea bottle cap ornament.
Well, obviously.
I talked about this as well, I believe. I brought this in, just, you know, just some proof here.
That's nice. Maybe put that one over the sec- Did you make that? Did you drink the teas yourself?
No, I bought this.
On Etsy, yep.
You could have made that. You guys are pretty handy around your house.
I don't know how to do a resins thing.
Yeah. Have you ever made, have, did you guys have the beer, the beer wall? Like the wall that was just like the cut out boxes?
I wasn't in a frat. Like it's more frat-y housey.
Bro, your life is fracked. What are you talking about?
Yeah, but I gotta live. I can't just, I can't-
They didn't give him the letters, but they gave him everything else.
I walked into Ann's house one time and there was a contraption that like you pour a giant bottle of fucking Jameson.
Yeah, I see that. Like the, like the wheelchair for it, right?
It's not a wheelchair, but like, it's like, like a hand truck.
Like what? Yeah. Yes, I hear what you're saying. I was gonna say something that probably would have upset people, but yeah.
Well.
That's nice. Wait, you, so you bought that?
I bought this, yes.
I'm gonna ask.
Well, I, well, this was, I bought this like four years ago.
I think it was like thirty something.
Bucks.
Bro, the budget you have for-
That is crazy.
Might have been eighteen.
You could have made that for-
How could might have been eighteen? It's such an in, uh, exact number.
How does back-loading expenses work?
It doesn't!
What does that mean?
He's gonna charge me for this.
Oh, it does work. Yes, you can. You can do it, yeah.
Thank you, Frankie.
Comes out of somewhere.
She was like, "Try it."
I'll move the sex thing.
Okay. No, leave the sex one up. This one, because your tree tells, I'm sorry, I don't mean to cut you off, your tree tells a story. So what it is, is someone saw a mermaid and was so horned up, they drank a bunch of twisted teas and had sex.
We could tell a better story than that. Uh, alright, my next one, I have just a cute raccoon covered in Christmas lights, because they're cute, and he's doing the rock on.
Oh, that sucks.
No, it doesn't.
I hate raccoons.
Don't be a bastard.
I'm not being a bastard, but if I had a gun, I'd shoot your tree.
You hate animals.
I don't hate animals. Oh, I love animals.
You're a little serial killer-y when it comes to animals.
First of all, the only serial that I'm killing is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Second of all...
Let's call up the joke fucking master and tell him his jokes fucking getting, just someone's down here telling jokes.
Get the fuck out of here.
I thought that was quick and witty. I thought it was perfect. I don't hate animals. I hate raccoons because they're little fucking mongers.
Mongers?
I just don't like that they're so chaotic and stupid and ugly.
Frank, this is objectively adorable.
I did see something that you're gonna be pumped about. There's research to suggest that raccoons are becoming like slowly more domesticated, which means we can have them as pets soon.
Talk that talk, because I'll get one in here. You think I won't get one?
I'm letting you know, if you get a raccoon in here, I'm putting it in the trash can.
And it'll be chilling.
I will lock the trash can and then put it on the stove top.
And this is where we're getting to serial killer. You're a serial killer.
The only serial that I've killed is Apple Jacks.
That's a great one. That one, that, I mean, it is cute. Hey, he's a little cute guy, covered in lights. But if you saw that in real life, that exact, real thing. If you can guarantee that a raccoon doesn't have rabies, I'm hugging it. Get the hell out of here. They're just a little, it's a little, it's literally a little rat. So are you. How you like that? You're not allowed to call Hispanic people rats, Joey. That's what your fucking, your parole officer told you.
No more. What do you got over there? Alright, listen, I'm sticking with family heirlooms, okay? I like this tree to be representative of me, where I've come from. You've said this every round. And where I am going. And nothing helps me keep a humble, a, a, a, a, happy, and optimistic, playful approach to life than remembering my first love on this planet. And my first love on this planet was Barney the Dinosaur. Wow. Now Barney the Dinosaur was not only one of my first loves, but he's ice skating. That's fire. And Barney the Dinosaur, I loved him so much. Did you? Oh my god, I was a big Barney guy as a kid. Really? Big. But now that he's being festive and skating. Yeah.
Makes me love him more. And this, when I see this, it reminds me of... Being a child. Being a child, humble beginnings. Life.
Joy. You know, you don't need materialistic goods in order to, to, to, to find happiness. True. You could just go back to the days of Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Right. Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination. Is that the song? And what's more beautiful than that? It's good. So that's why I put Barney on my tree. That's a good one, I like that a lot. You better.
I can't even be nice without being yelled at, it's insane.
That one's cute.
I like that one. What do you got?
Those balls are staring right at me. Um, I have a little Mario Kart.
One, and he's waving the checkered flag, assuming that he's one, I believe.
Hey! I have a couple Mario Kart ones at home, too.
This one was sent to me, it was very nice.
Oh, oh, wait. Sent to you? What Mario, is it Mario?
It's Mario.
What kart is he on?
Pipe frame.
Pipe frame kart, standard.
Standard.
Standard pipe frame kart?
Yep, yep.
Not a lot of weight to that. Good drifting. Good drifting, but not a lot of weight, not a lot of acceleration. You need some, you need some more, you know, we know who the meta is.
Berto. Well, no, you want to go with a heavier character. From what I believe, last time I brought in Mario Kart and we played, I think Joe beat you Frankie. Uh, I think he did. I guarantee though, if we were to play again, I would, I would smoke him.
I am putting up, I would put up a, a substantial bet. Well, the reason why I won was because of, uh, there was like. You had the cheating RCs on. Yeah, he had the cheating RCs on. Wait, what? The, like RC tail that you can't fall off the mat.
Yeah, I did. Which I didn't know. I didn't, I don't even know what that is, but. What the fuck is that? Like you could. You can't fall off. So you can't fall off. So you're telling me.
I think he had it as well though. Am I bugging? I don't know, but we definitely didn't tell him you had it. And it was funny you were watching.
I remember you being like, oh, you got the RC tail. I was like, what is that? So you're judging his victory over me based off of him cheating? I wasn't cheating. I didn't turn it on. If I can quote Joey from 2020, stop the steal. Let's play again.
And I will absolutely beat him. Whoop his ass. Stop the steal. Absolutely. Recount the votes. The stars. Oh, that, that is a good one. Do you have any, do either of you guys have any that like make sounds or like lights or anything on your tree? Um, like in real life or today? In real life. Uh, no to both. I don't know why I even asked that. I don't know. Um, that one that I actually, uh, told you about where it's like the crib or whatever, there is a button on the bottom, but I feel like it, it broke like years ago, but it used to like sing a song. They used to have ones that you could plug into the lights. Like I remember my mom. That was, that was like that. Yeah, my mom used to have one of those. What about you? Do you have any that make sounds or lights? No. No. You?
Yes, I do. I have a couple of video game ones. Like I have a, a Donkey Kong cabinet that you press the button and it does the song. And then I have a Super Nintendo that does Super Mario World. Nice. It is very cool.
Super excited. Well, before we go a little further here, we do have some more sponsors. The first one being Skims, okay? Skims is a lovely company that is making underwear for the boys and for the girls. They've got stuff for girls as well, but I have a lot of Skims underwear. They sent us a couple of pairs to try out and they are honestly like my favorite underwear. They're very comfortable, they're very breathable, they don't like hold in a bunch of moisture or anything like that, so you take it off you're like, "What's going on here?" But they are extremely breathable, they're amazing, they're not too tight, but they also like are tight enough to, you know, keep everything where it should be. But they have lovely stuff for this upcoming holiday. I think this is a great gift.
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So that is Squarespace.com/basement and you will save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain, alright? So get to it and then send me your website, I want to see it. Alright, how many do you guys have left?
I have...
I have... Dush. I have one. Alright, so how about I go and then we'll come back around?
We can snake draft.
Nope.
Do you have two left or just one?
I have two.
Oh, okay. So then, why don't, yeah, why don't you, you, you, me, you, me, you?
Me do that.
So, uh, my, another one I have is the green frog wearing glasses from the Rainforest Cafe.
This dude loves the Rainforest. This tree is so you, dude. This is so you. That's a good.
And there's a big Joe in here.
Yeah, that's, that's, that's not you. It is, it is by ratio kind of more Joe than him.
It's true. I'm trying to catch up to how much Joe this tree is.
You should put it over his face.
No. It's too big.
Put it up here.
Dude, can I ask you, where did this obsession with the Rainforest Cafe come from? How did that start?
Hmm, it's a good question. Probably circa 2004.
Circa is crazy, dude. Just tell us.
I appreciate that. Circa.
Uh, the Animal Kingdom and Disney, we would always eat at the Rainforest Cafe.
There's a Rainforest Cafe there?
Guess that makes a ton of sense. Is or was?
Still there. We go all the time. Not all the time.
Is there food?
It's good enough.
The atmosphere is fun. You're in the Rainforest.
The atmosphere is what you go for. The animatronic rubber. Would you ever go to like an actual rainforest? Does that?
No way. You just like the cafe?
I got my fill at the cafe.
Right. Dude, rainforests are terrifying.
Yeah, they're very scary.
I would, I'd, that would not be fun to go to. Do you like nature?
So what about it is appealing? You love fake?
That it's, that it's nature adjacent.
It is by definition, absolutely not.
I also love an outdoor indoor. Love an outdoor indoor.
An indoor that looks like outdoor.
Oh, like a tree inside a restaurant?
Yeah, an indoor-outdoor.
Dude, you would have loved, I built a restaurant with my dad once that was based off of a garbage dump. You would have loved it. It, Basurello? Yeah.
Built a restaurant?
Yeah. Well, my dad used to do that shit all the time. Now he can't because his knees look like SpaghettiOs. His dad worked construction.
But it's making it seem like him and his dad hammer nailed this restaurant together, which didn't happen. No, that is exactly what happened. You and your dad? Yes. I know there was more people involved. Of course there were more people, but like, we did most of it. Well, I'm sa- I think there's a construction company. No, my dad like, was like, it was a not big crew because my dad was doing it on the side, like. Basurello. Basurello. It's in, is it still there? Still there, yeah. Is it still there? It's on Steinway. If anyone lives in Astoria, or visits Astoria. Steinway and Broadway, right? That's the corner right there?
Have you been there? I've never been in there.
Oh, I've eaten there several times. It's good.
Yeah, it's good Colombian food. Go and touch the walls. My dad and I built that. Chances are if you touch the walls-
Go and touch the walls.
You're touching 2005 Frank's hands. And they were huge, dude.
All the biggest hands.
Big hands, dude, just big-
Fat hands, yeah.
Non-dainty-
Really, really meaty hands.
Alright, what do you got?
I got, I think you're gonna like this one. I have a love for Christmas, I also have a love for Star Wars. That's why I got Santa-
-stuck in the carbonite. And that's pretty cool, it's like from, from, uh, Return of the Jedi- And the Vampire Strikes Back, you see, you know what happens.
Of course.
You know, Han Solo, and she, "I love you!"
I know. I used to love watching his face, like, when, when it, it's like, uh, melting or whatever.
I was like, "Oh, that's so cool."
I love when Princess Leia would like, get dressed up in like, in Return of the Jedi. And she'd be like-
Yeah, some shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't remember exactly how she sounded, but you know what I'm saying.
I know.
So, it's, it's him, if you guys don't know Star Wars, um-
Get to it.
Okay, let me tell ya-
Go watch the original trilogy.
Let me tell ya, don't listen to like, Fox News talk about it, just watch it for yourself.
I really feel like people who go back and watch stuff like Star Wars, but like, "I'm gonna watch it in the actual order." I'm like, "That sucks."
So, that's a real, like, topic of, like, contention that I recently went through, because Miles and I started watching it last year.
Star Wars?
Yeah. What, if you were to show your child-
Little walrus-
Wants to watch Star Wars. Daddy, show me Star Wars. What is the, what is the order at which you're showing them?
The order in which they came out.
Really?
I think there is a magic to, like, "Oh, this is, this is a prequel." Like, that adds something. You know? Like, there's like, callbacks there, but you don't get any of that, um, if you just watch it, like, you're gonna start at like, what, the Attack of the Clones? Movie sucks, by the way. Phantom Menace is the first one, canonically, actually, Rogue One.
Yeah, but like, you would start with Rogue One, that's bananas. Sorry, Rogue One is not canonically, I'm so sorry. I mean, yeah, it can't be. It can't be. But like, whatever it is, it's like, that would be so stupid to do. So what a lot of people do, and I was thinking this might be the way that I, so we started with One, and then we went to Two, and then we went to Three. What is One? Phantom Menace. You did do this. So we did that. However, I think in revisiting them, I've thought more about it, we'll do, what people do is Four, Five... I don't know the numbers. Four is New Hope, Five is Empire Strikes Back, and then they do One, Two, Three, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine.
I would just watch them, and what's the point of doing that? Because, I mean, if you watch One, Two, and Three, it spoils a big part of, a big reveal. Wait, so you make all of the original ones prequels? No, so you watch Four, and then Five, and then you go back and watch Phantom Menace. Four and Five are One and Two.
You gotta give titles.
Alright, New Hope? Yeah, but New Hope is One. Is Episode Four. Oh, shit. No, it's Episode Four. It's the first one that came out. This is what I'm saying.
What's the one that came out with Rey?
Seven, Eight, Nine. Got it. Uh, Force Awakens, New, uh, uh, Force Awakens, Last Jedi, and, uh, Last Sky, or Skywalker? Who cares? Not good. I don't care. But, I think it kind of ruins one of the big reveals if you watch One, if you do Four, Five, Six, like, it resonates better, and then, I don't know. I don't think it ruins anything. I mean, they, they put it out that way, so everyone knew going in. I mean, they didn't put it out that way with the hindsight, like, they did it and they were just like, "Let's make prequels now." Yeah. I can't grab the ornament. I just, I like, I don't know, I just, I don't know. Okay, alright, well, that's my, that's my... I feel like that story is too... All over the place. It's gotten a little out of hand.
Um, do I go? Yeah. Yeah, I go. You got your last one. Yeah, my last one, and, you know, I don't know.
It's Nicolas Cage again. What's going on? It's just a flat Nicolas Cage. Why, what is going, why do you have several Nicolas Cage ornaments? You know, I, as I'm staring at it, this is actually freaking me out. I don't know why. I don't even, I'm not even a huge Nicolas Cage fan per se. I think if you, if you, if you like the bird, you like the cage, you know what I'm saying? Nope.
So, how and why Nicolas Cage?
Um, I just think it's funny.
It reminds me of the Nickelodeon, remember Face?
Didn't you have that Nicolas Cage pillow back in the day?
That was a gift.
I did have it. What the fuck is hap-
What is going on with you?
Who gave me that?
Do you have like a spiritual connection to Nicolas Cage?
I don't. I think Joey Gatto got that for me.
Dude.
It was like sequins and you, it would look like whatever, then you would go like this and then it was Nicolas Cage.
What if, hear me out, we can make this happen, we just did MSG.
What if we got Nicolas Cage on an episode? And he just sits down with us and we give him things to read and his best Nicolas Cage.
You mean just his voice?
Like, but like he has to give it the full go, you know what I mean?
I'd rather have Mikey Boobs up here singing show tunes.
What if we got Boobs singing to Nicolas Cage and Nicolas Cage is just acting out?
Yeah, I mean you haven't thought about it.
I haven't, I just, well you understand, it's in its early infancy. It's in its early infancy. I'm working it out, I'm working it out, in real time here, baby.
It's not, it's not, you said, it's not in Practical Jokers. Joe Gatto?
No, no, no, my friend.
Oh, Joey Gatto.
Yeah, yeah.
I, I had that at first too, to be honest, but Joey Gatto's-
Cause you know, I don't know who he knows, he knows everybody.
No, he does, he's big, he's big, he's, he's breaking out. You saw, he was in like a fashion magazine?
What? Him?
Yeah, they were gooning over him.
You're really pushing the goonin'.
No, there was like a fashion thing where it was just like, "Look, look at Joe Santagato."
I wasn't in it, by the way.
No gooning.
Uh, alright, my last ornament here.
Again, why are we-
-allowing Big Christmas to dictate what is and is not an ornament?
Well, this is gonna be just-
Who are we? Okay, this thing, I don't know if you guys feel this way, my trees are supposed to be representative of me.
We know that.
You know why? My childlike wonder.
You said that.
Imagination.
Joy.
Humble beginnings.
More adjectives.
So that's why, my last ornament. Is a boxed copy of Super Mario 64.
Well, what are we doing?
From the Nintendo 64.
I think-
Now we're getting crazy.
Why? How?
Why is this getting crazy? You allowed Jeff Hardy, but, but an Italian plumber from Brooklyn you don't like?
Is he from Brooklyn?
Is that true?
Well, I like that.
What do you like?
I like that part.
This is a relic of the past. This was released with the United States version of the Nintendo 64.
This feels like you just wanna tell people you have this.
No, I've, I've always publicized that I have this. This is not new.
How much was that?
Well, I bought it, I bought it several, several years ago at a steal, because this is not its price now. I got it for forty-four dollars.
What is it now, you think?
It's a couple hundred bucks.
So you paid forty-four dollars for that ornament? And you're judging me on mine?
Crazy.
Well, his isn't an ornament.
And yours is.
That's the-
So that's-
Go ahead.
That's good. Yep. Now, what happens if that falls down and breaks?
Uh, it's not in mint condition, so I'm not really that upset about it.
It won't be in any condition.
If it falls down and breaks, Joey-
Have you ever, have you opened it and played it?
No, I have not. It is an open copy, though, and it's, it's not in great condition. There's some tears on the edges and stuff like that, but it's just cool to have. I don't care about all that. But, again, when you look at the tree, you go, "That's Frank, baby."
Can we-
Did you just hear that?
Yeah, that was terrifying.
That was my fucking throat.
What did it do?
I think only I-
It like barked.
Only I could've heard it.
That was insane.
That was fucking crazy. I was just like, "Bark."
I wanted to say "barked," but I almost said "barfed." And then, but I wanted to say "roared."
You should roar.
I don't know what's going on.
Is it possible to tilt that box, like, down a little bit? I'm getting a lot of reflection here. It's a very shiny box.
It's very shiny box.
That's much better, actually.
I think it's, it's, again, when someone looks at my tree, they're gonna say, "Wow, this is someone that is..."
Connected to their humble beginnings.
You love doing.
Establishes a childlike wonder and maintains it.
And is a lover of things.
Yeah, that's what they're gonna say.
What do you got?
I think to round off my tree, that is so clearly me.
Uh, it would be remiss to not add a, I have a picky boy's logo ornament.
Oh my god, he's using it as a cheap plug for his podcast!
That's fucking absolutely crazy.
It's Christmas themed though.
That's how, you know, this is, this is, this is.
Let me guess, you're selling it in a merch store?
Uh, no, this one's one of one.
This is a monster of our own making though. If we had just let him plug his shows. One time, this wouldn't have happened.
I have to find ways.
He left a perfect space in the, in the front of the tree so that it would.
I mean, it's kidding, he knows marketing. Good for you. You know what? Good for you. We'll let you keep it for this episode only, bitch.
I think. How much did you spend on that?
Uh, probably about thirty-three bucks.
Bro, this is the most expensive tree.
No, I'm kidding.
You know what?
It's like twelve bucks.
I didn't even think of that. Trees are expen- like, once you like, put all the ornaments and lights on them, they're like.
They could be like five hundred dollar. More than that.
I mean, I have a fake tree, so it was more than that.
How expensive was your fake tree?
It was a lot.
I think.
It's a balsam hill.
No big deal.
Spend it, spend it if you got it, baby. Spend, spend it. Hey, you're not gonna look back and worry about that purchase.
A balsam hill?
Oh no!
Um, but yeah, I think it was like eight hundred bucks. Which is crazy for a tree.
I dropped my game.
I gotta get it.
I don't have a lot of, um, I guess I have a decent amount. Of like, we ha- we have a lot of like filler, uh, ornaments too.
Yep, yep, it's good. This is the issue with putting a whole box on a tree.
I feel like my tree looks beautiful.
It does, yours is covered, man.
It's a wonderful tree. A little less space to cover, that's why.
And I got you right in the middle.
I appreciate that.
I got you.
I, I, I don't know how I feel about being a mermaid.
Don't fuck around, you love the idea of being a mermaid.
Oh, in life, I would like to be a mermaid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But not merman.
A shirtless one you're not into.
Well, you gotta be shirtless, I can't wear a shirt. In the pool. In the ocean, I mean.
What fucking?
Dude, imagine mermaids were real, that'd be fire.
What was that movie where that kid slowly?
Little Mermaid.
You think I forgot The Little Mermaid?
What are you thinking?
I was gonna say, what was that Disney movie where the kid like slowly turned into, or someone slowly turned into a mermaid or something?
Oh, yeah, what the fuck is that?
Could just be called Mermaids.
Splash?
Oh, that's it, I remember.
That's not a Disney movie either, that's a Ron Howard movie. That's a full-on movie movie.
I thought of L. Ron Hubbard, when you said that, I said, what?
I, I don't watch L. Ron Hubbard movies, Joey, and we should probably be careful about bringing their lord's name up.
Cause they'll be upset.
Yeah. Um, you know what, that reminded me of like the movie, uh, that you were just talking about, remember those like weird Disney movies? I, the one that always stuck out to me was Lucky the Irish. The kid who played basketball? I looked like him.
You looked like him as a little, as a kid.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
But he also, his, his hair just started to get really red.
Yeah, oh, he full-on started turning into.
Yeah, that dude.
Dude, you're gonna tell me you didn't kinda look like this kid?
Nah, bro, come on, give me a break.
You had the frosted tips and everything.
Oh, and the, look at the, I never had frosted tips, I wish.
I remember Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off.
What was the?
Smart House. Smart House was a good one.
It was like, I always remember that, the scene in that movie where they had a party and then the floor just like sucked up all the garbage. And it was like, oh, it's a clean house now, I was like, damn.
That, that would be nice. Uh, what was the one, there was also the one where the girls, the, the twin sisters played basketball?
Have you seen, have you seen, that's why I'm doing that. Have you seen the clip from it that has like circulated?
How bad it was done?
Dude, it's painful to watch.
Oh, is it another thing like, we hired actors that can't play basketball?
Clearly.
Is it basketball music?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, they, Disney movies had some bangers back in the day. I mean, we were open lovers of High School Musical and Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters.
Cheetah Sisters.
Lizzie McGuire.
Oh, banger. Um, it's a banger. I didn't say I want a banger. I, I don't know why that's, I like, I felt the need to correct myself.
We understood, no, no, no, we understood what you were saying.
I want a banger, like, that's not what I said.
She's coming out with new music, by the way, Hilary Duff.
Perfect.
If Hilary Duff does a Christmas album, dude, didn't Disney do a Christmas album?
They probably did.
I'm sure.
Look that up.
They were working those children.
Look up Disney, what?
Look up Disney star Christmas album.
I just haven't, I, I wonder what it could be.
Like, it's like Corbin Blue singing Blue Christmas.
That would be incredible, but now that I said it out loud.
I don't know, but incredible.
I have a blue Christmas.
That's my Corbin Blue impression.
Disney 2000's Holidays?
No. Uh, Disney Channel Holiday Hits 2016, a bunch of the stars did a short EP, November 18th.
I don't care about that. I want to hear, like,
the girl from Proud Family doing, you know, It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.
Isn't that Raven Simone?
No, I forgot her name. Ki- Ki- Kira, I can't remember. Raven Simone was from?
That's a Raven.
I thought Raven Simone was on that show too.
No, she was on?
She was, she was.
The Cosby Show.
She was Stephanie on The Proud Family, she was on that show as well.
It was animated though, so there's no way you knew that.
It was animamorphic, dude, I knew it.
Yeah, as I remember, we'd be watching Disney Channel, there'd be like those like Christmas, like, the, the commercials would be like them singing a Christmas song.
Yeah, but it would be like selling a CD or something.
Yeah, good times.
Kids, Bob, dude. Who are these kids?
I don't know. I have, I, can I just, really quick, say something? My tree's the best. I know it's not a competition, but with you guys, it always is.
I feel like mine is not, is not good. Like, there's a lot of Nicholas Cage.
I mean, two is a lot. If we're being honest.
This is cute. This is the cutest we have, everywhere. Ah, the Barney one might be cuter.
Again!
Oh, well, that's the problem. See, if you don't follow the rules, there's consequences, Frank.
I don't want to be this guy.
My tree blew. Size, good things come in small packages, is what I proved here today.
Your tree blew?
You guys out of the water.
Oh. I don't know about all that.
I think that you could have possibly, it's, it's like, you got, you got it there, which is a different holiday.
Yeah, that's true.
I, I, I think that, you have a good tree.
It's a good tree.
It's nowhere near the quality of mine.
Frank barely followed the rules. I thought he was gonna pull out, like, food or something and put it on there, like something.
You know what's funny?
Like, an actual pickle.
You know what's funny is I was on the drive-in looking for a hot dog stand, and I was gonna bring a full, actual hot dog.
We, that wouldn't have lasted on your tree.
Yeah, it would've.
No, I would've walked over and ate it.
Oh, really?
That would've been yummy.
That would've been yummy. Um, well, there you have it, folks. It's a very Merry Christmas. The Christmas season's officially here. Wanted to decorate our trees, because the trees are staying for, for December, alright? So, thank you so much to everyone, uh, you know, this year. We're feeling very thankful and grateful. Um, but it's the Christmas season, trying to get some joyous memories with you families, alright?
Oh, I actually do have one more for you, if you want.
What is that?
Here, it's for you.
I already, I saw what it was in the air. And it's a, you know that meme with the guy with the giant dick? That's what it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh.
You can't show that.
Well, here it is.
Why, why did you have that, like? You spent money on that too, didn't you?
That was 12 bucks.
Well, now Joey's has a lot of phallic imagery, by the way. The cheeto, the hot dog.
At this point, I'll take anything that is a Nicolas Cage.
You got it. If anything could be more of the opposite of Nicolas Cage, it's that. Um, I also, I have one more thing. If I could.
What, what's going on? You sneaky, sneaky ornament guys. Oh, God, okay.
Alright, alright, well.
And a very Merry Christmas to you guys too. And holidays, happy holidays. They almost got me just now. You gotta throw the holidays in. Um...
Oh, God.
You got, you got him. So good. So good.
I've been gotten.
Chris Mahana Kwanzeka, for whatever you celebrate. How about that?
Sure. Where can they find you?
And?
I'm not getting this one.
No, you are not! Just look at his tree!
We will see you guys next time!
Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated