The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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16,089 words · 5 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. How's it going, Francis?
Good.
Alright.
Francis. I don't like, I don't mess with Francis. Francisco I like, obviously, because it's my name.
You said Francis Co.
Francisco. But I'm saying, like, but like Francis, just as it is, don't work for me. You know? If you could have any other name outside of Joey, or Joseph, are there any that you're just like, "That's a sick one"?
Not off the top of my head.
Well, try to find one now, Joey.
Well, all the names that are coming to my mind are so weird, like Nathan and Arthur, pop in my head, and I hate both of them.
Nathan and Arthur?
Yeah, I don't.
I think Joseph is significantly cooler than Nathan or Arthur.
Yeah, Arthur's like a trees name or something.
Yeah, I feel like Arthur would be someone that like studies books, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Studies books is very funny.
Just like someone that's just like, is just like, "This is a book."
Like, "This is an older book."
Do people like research books? Because you're like reading books about other books.
Yeah, dude. People write books about other books.
That's so weird.
Which is so strange to me. I once stumbled upon a TikTok and it was like, a guy, I don't know if it was like a bookshop or a library or what, and he was just like coming to the vault. And you could see like the cool books that we have.
Take it easy.
Some of them were cool, dude.
Wait, was it like old bibles and stuff?
Well, there was one that was like the oldest known like bible. It's like King Henry or King George's or one of the fucking old bibles.
Oh, that's in Yale, isn't it?
Is it Yale?
Oh.
The oldest bible. King James, I believe.
King James, oh, he's a guy, he knows his, you know.
You know old bibles?
The father, son, the holy fucking book writer.
You're a knower of things.
Knower of things. You know nothing. That's what you know.
Uh... But it was like, oh, this is a first edition hardcover The Hobbit. And I was like, that's pretty cool, dude.
Okay, stuff like that is cool, yeah. I thought it was just like, oh, we really like these books. It's like, bro, you don't have to put it on a vault.
Do you still have your Harry Potter books?
I have one. I only ever had one.
Oh, really?
I only had the Sorcerer's Stone.
I got seven pages into that. I was too young. I was like, I'm good.
Oh, I read them. I read them and I got caught reading them by like our like elementary school. I've told this story before. Yeah, they did like a thing. It was like, get caught reading. And then like if they announce your name over the loudspeaker and you won. And I was like, oh, fuck, I won. I got caught reading.
What is get caught? What? Wait, when was this?
It, we were in fifth grade, I think.
This was when you were in school with me?
Yes.
What is get caught reading?
It was like a program they did where it was just like, get caught reading. Go out there and, you know, read. And if someone catches you and tells, you know, we'll pull your name out of a raffle. Uh, you know, and then if you win, you win a prize.
So would you like read out in the hallway or something?
No, I would like, I was legitimately, I wasn't doing it to win. I was reading fucking.
But like where? Where are they catching you?
Uh, and you remember how like when it's raining out before school, you'd go in and like sit in the lunchroom?
Got it.
Or like at lunch, you know, or something like that. And I remember I got my name called over the loudspeaker and they were just like, alright, and Frank, Frankie Alvarez, you know, from
Probably hype.
Five, three, two, seven, got caught reading. And I was just like.
Frankie.
You're welcome.
Hold on.
Was that our class?
Yeah, it was.
You remember the class?
Five, three, two, seven. I feel like that just rang in my head as something that's true.
Yeah, you're welcome.
You remember that?
Of course I do.
That is crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, getting your name over the loudspeaker when you're that age is basically like being on national television.
I was so hype. And guess what the prize was? It was a fucking wishbone book.
I was gonna say, is it another book?
It was a book! They gifted it for reading. I thought it was gonna be like, yo, like, we got you like, moon shoes, or like, we got you like, a trip to space camp.
Yeah, sketch or something.
I was watching a lot of Double Dare at the time.
Duh.
You know, but no, nothing. It was just fucking a book, dude.
I remember the first time that I was in the office when they were doing the announcements, and I was like, oh my god, I'm here for this thing.
You're seeing like, the sausage made.
They used to, yeah, they used to play a, a xylophone, you remember?
Ding ding ding ding ding! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they used to do that, and I thought it was just something they played, but the guy actually played it, derisively.
Yeah, so you saw the principal making sausage in his, uh, office.
You don't really have to say that, especially when I'm in like, 4th grade at the time, but he like, did that, and I was like, yo, what the fuck, like, this is crazy, and then he would do the announcements, I don't even think I said anything.
Oh man.
I was just watching.
I love, doing the announcements was like, the earliest form of like...
It's a talk show.
It was a talk show for us.
You're famous.
We were, well, we weren't, but like, whoever did it, and whoever did it was so lucky, you know, I remember, I, I, it's a very famous story that we've told a do- you know, a dozen times, I did it once, a couple times, in high school, and then I got banned from it, pretty quickly.
But, I just wish, like, how cool would a school be, like, I always thought like, when we would watch movies, and like, the morning announcements were like, a talk show, like, it was like, a video.
We had that, in high school.
Get the fuck out!
In high school, there was this kid-
What would they say, like, "Today it's eight Hail Marys, give us your daily bread", was it called daily bread? Please tell me it was called daily bread.
It was called Channel 1, you guys probably had it. We had it.
So stupid, you missed out, St. Francis Prep.
When I, when I was in the school, there was a kid who was older than me, and he created it, and then I guess it lived on, I wonder if they still do it now?
I imagine now, I, that, that, that's a, that's a-
Wait, how, what are we, 4 years apart? Yeah, you were born in twenty eighteen.
Five? Five years apart. Okay.
Yeah, so I mean.
I missed you.
He, so it like lived on, but he would do this, he would make a show, I don't think it was every day, I mean, it may have been once a week. Where he made a show. And it was like a news show. And it was about like stuff, but also like interviewing some people and stuff like that. And they would play it for everyone.
That's cool. I think they should, I think they should do that more. I don't know if they do, they probably do.
Yeah. They probably do in like other schools.
I went to Bryant High School where like, if you had put a camera and said, film something to someone in that school. Chances are it would have been sex related.
Oh, is that boring, yeah.
Yeah, it would have been.
In the staircase.
Exac- bro, exactly.
Yeah, I mean, you can't do that in that school, people are pregnant for god's sakes in there.
I mean, careful.
What?
People were pregnant in St. Francis Prep too.
That's very true.
So, there you go.
Girl a year under me was pregnant.
I remember it was a big thing, I don't wanna say her name.
Her boyfriend was on steroids and wanted to beat me up.
The boyfriend wanted to beat you up?
Yeah, and he was on steroids.
I almost got beat up by a guy on steroids too.
Look at us.
Wait, did the girl like you?
No.
Oh, he just wanted to beat you up?
I s- my, so here's what happened. Well, those things didn't happen at the same time, he was dating some other girl who was in my class at the time. And, uh, the teacher said to me like, oh, you look like you've been working out, to me, right?
Damn.
And I was like.
That, you're not beating those sausage allegations, let me tell you.
Oh, I was like, where are you going with that?
You look like, let me see, take your shirt off, let me see your, wow, you look like you've been working out.
That's crazy. Um, but, I don't know wh- I don't even know if that's what they said, but they said something like that. Or maybe they were referring to sports or something, and then the, the girl was, like chirped in from the back like, yeah, right, he doesn't work out or something like that. And I was like, yo, she's doing steroids, like your fucking boyfriend. And then everyone went, oh, and like, that's bad. Cause I wasn't, I didn't mean for it to be like that.
Yes, you did!
No, I thought that it would just be like, cause like I knew her, I was friends with her.
Oh, you thought it'd be like a ha, ha, ha, ha?
Yeah, but the fact that everyone goes, oh, then it's like, now it tells the person like, yo, I should be offended by that.
Now you're fucked. Now you're done. Yeah.
Her jaw just dropped and I was like, man, I'm fucked.
Why is she offended by it?
I don't know. But then her boyfriend found out and he's like, I'm gonna fuck you up. And I was like, I'm gonna hide.
Do I know the kid? Do I know the girl?
No. You didn't know either of them?
I just asked and you said no to both, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you don't know that.
Oh, mine was because there was a girl in Long Island that we knew. You actually might have been like in the know of this whole situation because you know the girl. And her, she was dating this kid, but they were like on again, off again, and he was like a fucking roided out freak. And.
A roided out freak. He's an ROF.
And she liked me. And he like several times messaged me like, I'm going to fucking kill you.
You know, just like that, but.
You know, we're good at ducking and diving, you know what I mean?
There were a lot of people that wanted to beat us up, but we never got beat up.
You know how people are like, yo, I'm not hard to find? I am very hard to find, dude.
Now.
Especially when I know someone wants to beat me up, dude, I'm like.
Now, but like back in the day, we were easy to find. And I remember the one time that like, there was like a group of people that were just like, yo, we're gonna fuck them up. I remember I was just like, you know where to find us. And they never found us. And we saw them often.
I remember when I was younger, someone was like, yo, come to the park right now, we're gonna jump you.
Yeah, that was stupid.
I was like, I'm literally going anywhere else.
I remember that call specifically.
R I P.
Yeah, he's the one who called me, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's gone.
Um, just kids being kids. But anyway, speaking of dying, um, I watched Sinners yesterday for the first time.
Oh, I watched it the other day too.
It's, uh, and you could like buy it now, I bought it.
Watched it.
What, you bought it or rented it?
I bought it.
To own?
So now you own this movie?
Yep.
You could have just rented it, buddy?
I could have, but I feel like, uh, everyone's talking about it has such a great movie, so I'm like, I'll probably come back to this movie.
So rent it and then wait till it goes on streaming, which is gonna happen.
I'm just gonna have it forever.
So, hold on. Hold on, hold on.
Mm-hmm.
You purchased the digital version of this movie?
When it's going to be available for streaming in two weeks poss- possibly.
No, it's a, it's like, shh, what do you mean?
You, you just wasted your money.
How?
Because you own a thing that is going to be readily available and accessible for the foreseeable future.
Those things go in and out of being owned by those platforms.
Some of them, some of them do, some of them don't for the most part. Anything or, uh, I mean, it depends on like what it is, like Harry Potter is jumping between Peacock and HBO Max every other day.
I mean, I own those movies too. I own all the Harry Potter.
Like digitally?
That's crazy, right?
I don't think so.
I'm a physical media guy. To this day, if I buy a video game, I'm buying the hard copy of it. I refuse to buy.
I don't wanna chase things around and try to find it and whatever, like I have the movie.
Oh, you just Google where it is and you go there, brother?
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Let me guess, you have all the streaming services?
I don't know if I do, but like I've bought it, it's easy to access.
You got Disney?
Uh, yeah.
You got Hulu?
You got HBO Max?
You can watch ninety, Netflix?
What is your issue?
I'm just saying, like you just, you made a silly little mistake and I wanna let you find it.
Alright, I don't even think it's a mistake. Like I think that like if it goes on to streaming platforms, it could come off at some time, or you know, whatever, changes platforms or whatever and I don't know. It's just easier, like all the, there's a bunch of movies that I've like bought over the years.
Like you see them on your, what do you have, you have an Apple TV, right?
There's like a bunch of, you know, first movie I ever bought on there was The Wedding Singer, I don't know.
It's a great movie.
You know, I was like, this is a good place to start, is this.
I don't know if I've ever, the girls, like Ruby accidentally, or Miles accidentally purchased Dumb and Dumber, which I don't hate, I'm very happy about that one.
It's a good one.
But, I, that's, that's just silly.
How do they buy it accidentally?
It was on like the HBO, not HBO, it was on like Verizon, and like.
Oh, like on a channel?
Yeah, and they went and did it, and I guess it wasn't like password protected or something, and they bought it.
It was automatic?
Yeah, so I saw on the bill one week, one month, I was just like, did you buy Dumb and Dumber? Beck was like, no.
Buying movies off, like,
TV.
The TV guide is insane.
Yeah, well, that happened, so now we are,
Unless it's like porn.
On Verizon FiOS, the owner of Dumb and Dumber.
I've never bought porn on these, like.
Have you ever bought porn at a hotel?
Oh, I don't know why you said like, I'm crazy. What do you mean?
That's a, that's a very like.
But you strike me as someone that's just like.
Oh, I'm a traveling husband thing to do.
You strike me as someone that's just like, it's something that like, it has happened, like, it's like a thing that people do, so like, I'll try it out once.
No, I, no. I mean, also like, it shows up on your bill. Like at the front, they're just gonna be like, oh, like, they know that you're like, watching Naughty Nurses 2.
Yeah, some shit like that. There was one time where our, our, my old landlord, we shared cable, and they bought porn, and it was like on the TV.
Wait, how the fuck do you share cable with your neighbor?
It's a long story, but it happened. And, uh, they-
You guys had the same bill? Did you charge them?
I mean, we probably paid like a, like a half of, half of it or something. It's, it's a long story, and I'm not gonna get into the details of it. But, we were like on the TV and we saw it was just like, you know, like a Wild West themed, softcore porno.
How did you see that?
Cause like, when you turn the TV on, it like, the main menu pops up.
What was the name? Wait, you guys are sharing a screen essentially?
In theory, yeah.
Wait, what? Where did you live?
I can't, I can't.
Fuck.
But like, we, and it was like a Wild West themed porno.
Did you watch?
Becca and I were like-
You should put it on.
We, we need to see what this is.
And we put it on, and the guy had just like a wild cough. Like, the guy, it was just like this old white guy.
Wait, I feel like I faintly remember you saying.
I probably have told you this story in confidence or on a show before.
And, it was like, he was just like a softcore porno guy, and he was an old white guy, and he just had a wildly bad cough. And then once we saw it, we're starting to get into the whole like, you know, like, oh, I'll get, I'll get you out of jail for a press, and then it's like.
And then it was cowboys just railing each other?
And we were like, we need to turn this off.
Was it gay?
I, I don't think I got far enough to see if there was any gay stuff, but from what we, where we turned off, it appeared it was going in the ru- the root of hetero.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it was going in, in hetero sex land.
Yeah, watching porn on your television? That's bananas.
Yeah. I remember back in the day, my dad had DirecTV. And I knew the channel for the Playboy channel.
The, I had a legal cable. It was like, channel like sixty nine, no, it was like-
Sixty-five.
Spice TV.
That's what it was.
That's what it was back in the day.
One time I put it on while my dad was in the dining room, that, my dining room and the living room is separated by nothing.
Nothing.
It physically, like, it could, it, there's no way it could be harder for him to like, I'm sorry, easier for him to see what's going on in it.
And I was like, I'm just gonna go real quick. And I remember, bro, I remember this clear as day. I, he's in the dining room, but his back is turned towards me and I'm like, I'm just gonna flip and see a tit real quick. And I get to the channel and all you see is just bush.
Just straight up bush. It took up the whole television. And I was like, oh my god. And I got, I got out of there. But I was like,
yo, I reme- this thing is burned in my memory, this bush. Burned in my memory.
The burning bush.
That was, that was crazy.
That was a different bush.
That's crazy. He saw that in high school.
Well, that bush was my religion at that time, so.
What an incredible wordplay.
Absolutely. Yeah, I remember that so like vividly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or, I remember, cause the, the illegal cable box that we had.
It was the one that had just the three buttons. On, channel up, channel down.
It was just brown.
And it was brown and it was like, light gray buttons.
And it had the red numbers.
How is that so, how?
How do we all have?
How did everyone have an illegal cable box? How? And like, no one?
How did we get it?
I don't know, but like, how did, how is it not a bigger thing? Like cable is such a protected thing now.
Yeah, and I remember when I found out, oh, it's illegal cable, I was like, yo, the cops are gonna go in here.
And say, give us your cable?
Yeah, I don't know, what would even happen?
I don't know, that's, that's, that's very strange, that like, everyone in New York, everyone that I knew had it.
And they all had the same channels, channel six was Nickelodeon, channel twenty-two was Cartoon Network.
Bro, yes.
Your memory is disgusting.
Yeah, it got there.
Twenty-two, I remember, I, I, yes, oh my god, that's so crazy.
And sixty-five was Spice Channel.
I do remember sixty-five.
Tits, brother, it was tits and bush.
Tits and fucking jazz.
Yeah!
Jazz playing, saxophones.
When we were kids, when, it was like, first of all, you could, you also like, you couldn't lower the TV enough. You had, like, so like, even at its lowest setting, you would hear like,
and it was just like,
you know, like, tits!
Yeah. Was that Careless Whisper?
It was Careless Whisper, yeah.
It was.
It's a great song.
Also, like, the cable box used to get a little fucked up sometimes, like, if it was like a rainstorm or something. So if you went to that channel specifically, which I have done during a rainstorm, uh...
It was fuzzy tits.
It was fuzzy, so I'd be like, I'd be looking at, like, black and white, fuzzy, trying to make out the curvature of a tit.
Hell yeah.
You guys don't even know.
Yeah, kids, you guys are so spoiled nowadays.
Four K tits, dude.
Four K, sixty-five inch TVs?
Fuzzy, fuzzy, dude, I had to slap the side of the TV and be like, yo, get this, I'm getting hit in.
Hell yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'd be slapping it and just trying to make this fucking signal work.
You guys don't get it.
You don't understand.
You don't understand, dude.
I used to have to spank my TV.
It's a weekly.
Yeah, it is.
It's a weekly, alright.
It's a weekly. But anyway, I was watching Sinners.
Yeah. It's a good movie. I liked it a lot.
I liked it, vampires and shit.
And that, uh, I mean spoiler, I guess, for the people watching it.
I mean, I think.
Bro, I was just telling this to Ant before, cause I asked him if he watched it, cause I watched it. And I said like, yo, they really like spoiled a big part of that movie in the trailers. Like with one of the characters being a vampire.
Because like, and here's the thing, is that like, I saw that character and I was like, oh, I know where they end up, but like, who that character was, like the turn was crazy. I was just like, oh, fuck. You know what I mean?
It was bigger than what I imagined that they would wanna spoil.
I think the whole movie was more of like to be interpreted and it wasn't really about vampires.
Yeah, I mean, a lot of-
That's why I think they could gave it away.
A lot of critics have come out and said that it's symbolic of cultural appropriation and the stealing of black culture and music.
That much was-
Pretty evident, yeah. I think he actually, one time, Remick says like, "I want your music."
Yeah, he does. Multiple times.
Well, yeah, several times.
Um, but, I thought it was a good movie, but, uh, like, at one point, it's like-
Vampires.
At one point, there's vampires. And I guess if you really are like crazy about spoilers, I'm not really giving anything away and be as vague as possible, but like, the vampires are trying to convince the people who aren't vampires, like, yo, be vampires, we'll live forever.
And I was like, bro,
I feel like I probably would be like, yeah, go for it.
Why not?
First of all, you see some of these motherfuckers.
I don't think that being a vampire is all that bad. Also, when I was younger, dude, I wanted teeth and bite-
Yeah, I know, I know, you did. What I'm saying here is like, you're thinking that they're gonna be like a little cute nibble, like a little, "ang", and then you turn into a vampire. Bro, they're gonna fuck your shit up.
Yeah, but then I live forever, bro, a little pain.
Oh, but like-
Why don't you make an omelet, you crack a few eggs, Frank?
What, did it heal though? Does it heal? I don't think so.
So bite my back.
Oh shit, Joey, where the hell did you go?
I'm just saying, bite somewhere that like you can't really see.
So you want them, I think one of the characters that got bit on like the shoulder or something like that. I don't know, man. I'm not doing that. What, you, you wanna live forever?
You're not living for, I mean, you're.
And then you just have this insatiable thirst for blood. So now you gotta go kill other people.
That I didn't really think about. Yeah, killing is rough.
Also.
Can I kill animals? Can I, can I eat animals? Like, cause that doesn't really change.
I think it's, I think that the whole lore about vampires is that the insatiable lust is for human blood.
Yeah, but you could bite and not kill, right? You could just take a little, little blood.
Yeah, but then they become a vampire and then they are no longer alive. So you can't like eat your vampire bodies.
The world would be very populated with vampires.
That's what I'm saying. Like this is like, this is like those like, you know, like.
Can vampires actually survive forever? Cause like, you can't just keep killing people. Cause if everyone is a vampire.
There's a great point. Eventually they won't be able to feed. This is like those like multi, multi marketing, multi level marketing schemes like Advocare and Fit Tea or whatever.
Yeah, you go out, get two.
Yeah, you go out, get two, you go out, get two, you go out. And it's like, they could only do that like 10 times before the whole world is a vampire.
Yeah. In this specific example though, I would have been like, yeah, just buy my shit, whatever.
Really?
I'm with all my people that I know in this small town in fucking Missouri.
You're nuts. You, all the people around you are going to grow old and die.
Not if we fucking.
But like, then you're gonna convince the people in your life to be like, yo, be a vampire with me. And one of those like, no, I went to St. Francis Prep.
I, I would shoot them a text first and I'd be like, yo, are we all vamping? And like, let's just vamp and then we could chill.
You think vampires can actually like use a, take a selfie? Oh, cause they can't see the reflection.
I just need to send a text message or just pick up a phone. And be like, yo, you're cool if I, if I vamp right now, can I come through and vamp you guys and then we'll be chilling?
Ew, no, why? Bro, you're, you're like, you're, you're then you're, you're being a bad guy.
Why? We're all just like chilling.
What if they say no?
What if you have, what if you have, what if you have children?
And like, I can't.
Oh, biting my dog. Biting the fuck out of my dog.
Well, he doesn't turn into.
Dog lives forever?
Dog vampire doesn't turn into a dog vampire?
No?
I don't think so. I've never seen a dog vampire. Have you?
No, but that'd be, that'd be kinda scary.
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Yeah. Oh, Dog Vampire werewolf?
Ooh, that's a good point.
No, bro, that's fucking like, no. Completely different.
So you're 100%? Alright, so how about this? You could turn three people into a vampire with you, and they like, they will say yes.
Well, and raising his hand.
You want it? You want to vamp? I'll do it with you.
Why do you want to vamp so hard?
Why do you not want to vamp so hard?
Because the idea of living forever sounds miserable.
But you're not living forever because I could just, you know, wooden stake in your shit and it's a wrap.
Yeah, but then I need to be like, cool with you killing me. And it doesn't, I mean, you saw the movie, doesn't look like it's very painless to get staked, stuck?
Staked? I'm sure that sucks. Or you can get shot with a silver bullet. It's silver.
Isn't that?
Or garlic?
I think so.
And dude, also-
Garlic. I meant, you'll, no more garlic for you. That would be heartbreaking for me. I love garlic.
I do love garlic.
And also, all the food in the world, you can't have ever again.
I could eat it, it just won't do anything for me.
No, I don't think you can. I think it makes you sick. I've watched True Blood, right?
Some food already makes him sick.
Anything makes him fucking die a doodle cha cha cha.
First of all, I think you're talking about yourself?
No, you're not.
The only thing I can't eat is shrimp. Big whoop.
Yeah, that's true.
You gotta lay off the garlic bread? Maybe alright.
Dude, you're losing garlic bread, garlic knots?
Any pasta that has garlic, any, honestly, all food, you're gone.
Also, now that I'm thinking about it, the biggest thing that would suck is no sunlight. Ew.
Yeah, you won't be able to see the sun.
I would have to like, get like a really good European tan and then I would vamp. Cause then I don't wanna be like, just like a white bitch forever.
I mean, that's the other thing, cause you're dead, you'd be a white little pale bitch.
No, I think that like, I could be.
I think you just, because like, Haley's, I mean, and then, you know, whoever, whoever in that movie becomes, they looked as similar as they did.
Yeah, but they're dead, so the pigmentation in their skin is slowly fading away, and you can't see the sun, so how are you gonna get a tan? And you're not gonna go to fake tanning because it uses UV, UV.
UV rays, which is what is dangerous to vampires. I'm very caught up in my vampire lore.
Yeah, I know, but I don't know. It doesn't sound that bad to vamp.
No way.
Also, to have like, really cool teeth.
The teeth would be, I would only be cool if they were retractable, like in True Blood, where they can just be like, and then just fucking, bing. That would be sick. You never watched True Blood, did you?
No. I've heard it's just like, blood and blowjobs. That's what I've heard.
You should watch it.
It'd be late.
No, you can watch it. It's all on HBO. You could go and watch it and report back after you watch the first season. Let it, let it, let me know what you think. Because they, they be fucking sucking, drinking blood. You know?
Also, can I just like, have?
I'm gonna do bad things to you.
If I'm a vampire, can I just get, like, let's say for instance, right? I hire Ant, and be like, yo, I'm gonna pay you.
Two hundred K a year. No, no, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pay you less than that.
Okay, okay.
I'll take that.
Okay, right up.
Yes. Um, so I pay you whatever I pay you, something good, and then like, you know. Once a week, I like, drain a little bit out of you.
Yeah, but you can't do that, then you, but the time you bite him, he turns.
No, I'm not gonna bite him, I'm just gonna drink his blood.
Yeah, I have to, I have to do it myself, get, get him my blood.
Yeah, like, you're my little blood bag.
I'll do that. I wouldn't like. So he's your prostitute, basically.
No, I wouldn't want to be called the little blood bag. He's like my lifeline.
We could, we could call.
I'm not gonna call you my little blood bag, but you will be that.
Also, once a week is crazy.
Is that a lot of time to do blood?
You need to eat food once a day.
Yeah, I mean, I have a few of him.
Okay.
Oh, well, now, now you're not his special little blood bag. Now you're just one of another.
You're still my number one.
No, no, no, no.
That's nice.
This is what they, this is what they say to all of them. You're not number one. You're just another one of the blood bags.
Oh, it's like, uh, what's it called? Mad Max, where they have blood bags.
Did they have blood bags?
Yeah, they were like having the blood from those people.
You make me a vampire, I'll get five blood bags, I'll be in charge of it, you'll be fine.
Now we're talking about a real pyramid scheme.
Now, now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's gonna manage my blood bags.
You drink one of this, you'll lose all of your weight.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna have a, a blood bag manager. But like, this way I don't have to go out and kill. How could you be like, yo, just give me your blood?
Well, like, you'd have, you'd have to-
I technically don't have to pay you.
Well, like, what they did, what they did in, uh, what they did in, uh, in True Blood is they, they learned how to synthesize it and bottle it and sell it to vampires.
There you go.
But we're not in True Blood.
Could be.
If we are, then you're in trouble. Cause they like fucking suck and fuck. And like, they take the vampires as like sex slaves and shit like that.
Why?
Gotta watch, gotta watch True Blood.
Wasn't it the opposite?
No, you don't remember they would have, I don't wanna spoil.
Oh, I remember.
A fifteen year old-
Four hundred years old.
Well, they were doing experiments on them, it's a whole thing, it's not exactly accurate.
All I know is that I can get some blood bags.
Yeah, well, because it'd be like, oh my god, that's Joe Santagato. And then it'd be like, yo, you'd be like, yo, thank you, like and subscribe and send your type O negative, yeah.
Is that like a thing in True Blood? Like, there's like certain blood that like tastes better?
I think so. Unless I'm mistaken, I think they bottled it and it's like, this is AB plus, this is A minus, you know?
The real blood tastes better than the synthetic blood.
Yes, obviously. I mean, that's, that's nature, baby, you know?
It's like processed foods. Actually, it's the opposite for our food.
It'd be cool at a bar.
You think processed foods taste better than real foods?
In theory, like, people are like, oh god, this is the sugar and whatever.
I see what he's saying.
Gotcha. Yeah, like glu- like sucralose and shit like that.
Yeah, like, it's supposed to make things taste better, but-
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, I don't think I would ever be a vampire. Because like, I would, I would see like my friends and family like grow up and-
Not if you vamped them.
But what if they say no? What if they say no?
I would be, just try to be convincing.
Mm-hmm. What if they say no?
If they say, "Listen, I wanna grow up and like see life through the lens of an aging individual." Because beauty changes. Because what's, what is, this is so crazy.
It's never too late.
This is so crazy.
It's never too late to vamp.
Because Joey is always the first one where we're just like, "Yo, a billion dollars, you get this," just like, "You become aimless, you have no purpose, why would I want a billion dollars?" If, if life is endless, does that not take the meaning out of life? If you have the ability to live forever, does that not absolutely take it from you? Because the, the beauty of life is the fact that it ends. That is what the beauty of life is, and things within the scope of our world, okay? What, what makes a wine delicious is that it will go bad eventually.
That's not why it's delicious.
What makes milk so delicious? Because that will go bad eventually.
Is milk delicious?
A flower is so beautiful because it is, it is crafted and then it eventually will die and have to grow back. Okay? If, if your life is just never-ending, eternal.
Uh huh, well, it could end. You're leaving that part out.
It could end by a certain word which we won't say, in theory.
Red rum?
Hmm, well, that way, but I'm saying if you were to choose to end it.
Sue?
Oh, vampires can sue's it?
I mean, is that not what you're saying? Is that not what you're saying?
No, I'm saying like, if, if some, if someone could attack me and do it.
You probably would have to deal with some vampire hunters eventually.
For shurs. Okay, do you really think that you could not overpower vampire hunters?
I don't know.
I think it's good.
I'd have to live in a dark castle. The, the biggest selling point for me is like, no sunlight, that's tough.
No sunlight,
no food. I'm crazy, it's crazy, you're not even think-
You can't eat food.
No, I don't think you can. I think like food makes them sick. So what, you're gonna take a bite of a cheeseburger just to then throw it up violently?
No, I, I think I would just eat it and be like, "Oh, but I still need some blood." Extra rare. Extra rare.
But that's cow's blood.
It probably doesn't not do anything.
Do you guys not keep up to date with-
I mean, we're drinking cow milk. That's not us.
You also need to feed off of, like, eventually-
Dude, I have blood bags. Are you not listening? I got my little blood bag.
Your little blood boy?
Aww.
It's my little blood boy.
Where are you draining it from?
That's not from me.
That's my choice.
That's your choi-
Yeah, that, that's my choice.
Where are you draining it from? His veins?
Gotcha.
I think Frankie would do it.
No, I would not. No, I would not. Unless I could, like, confirm, take my most beloved friends and family with me.
That's what I'm saying. I would say-
Yeah, but like, if they say no, then I'm, then what? Then what?
If they were like, "Yo, I wanna grow old," I'd be like, "Alright, when you get old, we'll vamp ya."
Also, when they're sick, you know, in, in their old age, eventually they'll be like, "Alright, vamp me."
Vamp me.
Yeah, but then you just have a, you never see like, an old, like, an old person vampire.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's always like, a young person, or like, in their, like, thirties, you know? Like, those are the vampires. You also never see, like, a, like, a, a, a morbidly obese vampire.
Well, they don't have a lot to eat. It's just blood.
You wanna talk about Ozampic? If you were a vampire, you'd probably be-
Ozampic.
Eh, Ozampic.
I hate that we said that.
Yeah, it was not, it was not one of our better ones.
I also don't love blood.
That's the other thing.
I don't like it, but I think I would, I would love it, though.
You're-
I would love it, obviously.
No, but like, you would need it. Just because you would need it, doesn't mean you would love it.
No, they love it.
That's like, for instance-
You've never seen, have you seen a vampire drink blood, dude? They're, "Oh, I need for it."
Yeah, because they need it, not because they like it.
But they drink and they're like, "Oh, it's probably like doing age."
We're going to age now?
It looks like it.
That's what they look like.
One of the things in True Blood is that, uh, that if you drink the vampire's blood, it's a drug. It's called V, right? Is that what it's called?
Would you sell, would you be a little blood bag for him? Little blood boy?
What's he paying? What are you paying?
An even exchange.
A Christmas bonus at least.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, you want a blood bag each other?
Yeah. A blood, bag for bag, you know?
Bag bo, bag? Just a little bit.
You guys are bag boys, duffel bag boys.
Going back and forth? Yeah. There it is.
Your wordplay has been outstanding this episode.
We're going back and forth with bags? Wait, so who's the vampire, me or you?
You.
Not you.
And then he's his, he's-
I can't drink a vampire's blood.
No, you give your blood to him.
Oh, you're the vampire. It's like a little drug for me. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, give me a little taste.
A little taste of that, a little good, good, you know?
Yeah, take some. Yeah. Get you hooked.
Then I start making you pay me, so then I can make some back of that salary.
That sounds yuck.
Drinking blood.
Disgusting.
Like out of a cup?
Aren't you one of those guys who drinks blood? You drink your own blood, like you suck your blood out of your finger?
Oh, like if I have a cut, I'll do that.
Yeah, that's nasty.
But like, I'm not drinking it like, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Frank?
Go crazy.
I'm gonna be serious when I say this.
Great, I'm gonna leave.
When I say this right now.
I'm gonna leave.
Frank, I mean, hold on.
You don't need to say it.
I'm gonna say, out of all the things that you've done in your life, that was the most impressive thing that you've ever done. I cannot believe that the volume at which you did that, and the accuracy of cartoon swallowing, this is the guy that you need. Pixar, whoever, whatever big company, Disney, this man is born to do cartoon swallowing sounds. That was incredible. Greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. That was like watching fucking The Comeback. You know what I mean? When the, when the Patriots beat the fucking Falcons, that was unbelievable. Couldn't believe what I was just watching. Unreal.
Oh my god.
God bless. But you do suck your blood. Yeah, how long do you have to be bleeding till you're like, okay, I'm sucking too much blood?
I don't bleed very long, guys. I don't know what you think is happening over here.
I don't bleed long.
I have a working anti-quaggleant, or what is it called? Not anti-quaggleant. I want quaggleants.
Yeah, you gotta quag.
I want my quags.
You gotta quag.
Uh, I have, my, my blood is good.
It quags when it's supposed to.
It quags when it needs to.
And it doesn't quag when it's not supposed to.
I have not yet experienced a situation where my blood is not needed to quag. So, quag? Good.
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Hell yeah!
I asked you a question and you didn't answer it. If you can turn three people, not including Charlie, into a vamp with you, who are you bringing with you?
You say "whiff"?
Whiff.
Who are you bringing with you?
You're a big mama's boy. I know you're bringing mom.
Not necessarily.
But it's about who you want. It doesn't matter about them. They don't get a choice.
You just said that's the whole point.
I know, but I'm saying in this situation...
I don't know. I- I- I think that like, I would probably not...
Like, if I could get the people I know to be like, "Yo, let's just all live like this."
You could start like a commune of vampires.
Now that I'm thinking about it, though, I don't know if I could do no sunlight.
Also, you're gonna have to live the rest of your life with some of these people.
Yeah. Well, no, I could move.
But like, they're tied to you, so they'll be like, "I've found you."
What? I don't know.
I'd pick, I- I-
What about wizardry?
What about it?
I don't even know what I meant by that.
I would love to be a wizard dude.
Oh wizards would be cool.
Would you go to Hogwarts?
Would I have gone to Hogwarts?
Would you have helped Harry Potter? I would probably be like, yo chill.
I'd be like, yo, there's a lot going on, like, I'm just trying to learn, you know, Wingardium Leviosa right here.
Bro, I got class. You wanna like fight giant snakes and wizard? I'm good, bro.
Yeah, I mean, I think eventually I would stand up because I tend to wanna be on the right side of history with my moral beliefs. So like, I would eventually be like, you know what?
Yeah, here we go. Captain Courageous over here, he's gonna fight Voldemort. People won't even say this guy's name and you're fucking 11, you're gonna be like, yeah, let's go fight him. You went to one class where they pulled a fucking plant out of a fucking pot and all of a sudden you're equipped to fight the darkest wizard who's ever wizard? I don't know about that. I don't know about that. I'd be like, Harry, you got the scar. You know, you're protected by something here. I don't know about me, bro.
See this right here, right?
I don't know about me.
See this? Rich white man with blue eyes and a clan hood? You think we know what side he's fighting on?
Doesn't have blue eyes?
Crazy that you went with the blue eyes first?
Why? What was the other things you said?
I said clan hood.
Oh. I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Yeah, because you don't wanna upset your buddies. I think that... No, I would, I would fight. I would be like, nah, you know what guys? Get outta here. Voldemort, listen dude. Get outta... And then he'd have a cadaver of me and I'd be like, I'm gone. I'd catch a vodka cav, you know?
You'd be Seamus dude. You'd have shit blown up in your face all the time.
I mean, he was, eventually, he was heroic. He fought on the right side.
Did he?
Yeah, he was part of them. He was hanging with them.
Well, they had no choice at a certain point. I'm saying like if Harry Potter-
They had a choice. Look at Malfoy. He had a choice and eventually he made it, but eventually, beginning, he didn't.
What? Oh, I was like, what the fuck? That confused me. No, but like, when the first year, this dude's like, yo, we have to go into this room that's guarded by a three-headed dog. It's like, bro, we don't.
I'd be like, no, we don't. Yeah, that, that, but like, once the fucking wizard Nazis are invading the school, I'd be like, alright, now I need to stand up. I'm saying that first, where it's just like, there's a fucking snake, we gotta go underwater and find it. I'd be like,
That's what I mean.
He's like, yo, there's a, there's a book and I'm trying to figure out all these riddles so I can go to the Dark Lord. I'd be like, dude, let's just like, go to school.
Let's go to class.
Let's go to lunch, dude. Why do we need to do all this? Yeah.
He's like, yo, have you ridden the stairs? They moved. Like, that's fun enough.
I will say this. A part of Harry Potter that they obviously didn't include. That place would have had so much sex. And so much hooking up.
Frank? I think. They didn't depict that for a reason.
I know, I know what I'm saying, like.
One thing that they left out was that no one got fucking fingers.
No, I'm, I'm just saying, like.
It's so not true.
Bro, if you had a bunch of fucking kids going through puberty living together, they would all be hooking up.
Right. No?
This is what they left.
What they left out was doggy style.
There wasn't enough dog, there was a three-headed dog, no doggy style? This is fake.
I'm just saying. Obviously, they're not putting that in the book. Although, you know what? With the way that J.K. Rowling's going, she might throw some stuff in there eventually.
There was that one scene that like, Ron was seeing a vision of like, Harry and Hermione like, fucking making out mad hard.
Yeah, dude, in the last movie where they're like, naked kissing hard.
Yeah, that was so weird.
Yeah, very strange. And they're like, you're, you're ashamed, Ron. And they're like, talking shit to him. You remember that?
They were just like, you'll never,
You'll never be good enough for me.
Yeah, you'll never be good enough for me. Here's me and Hermione, yeah.
Yeah, that was, that was a strange one.
I'd be like, what the fuck?
What's that?
It's weird.
What's weird?
It's the whole.
The whole like kissing scene was weird.
That was weird. And also, they looked very like, white.
I think the idea was they were supposed to be like.
Ghosts?
Ghosty looking.
Yeah, well.
Cause it was like a smoke thing from like the, the Horcrux. I, it is really crazy how much of this show just eventually divulges into us talking about Harry Potter.
It's kinda wild.
It is crazy.
But the idea of a child being like, I'm gonna take on the worst.
Well, let's talk about a series of unfortunate events.
I don't wanna talk about that movie with that one guy, Leminy Snicket, but he's got fucking ear hair.
First of all.
I don't care.
The author was Leminy Snicket.
The character that you're referencing was Count Olaf.
And he was played expertly by Jim Carrey.
Didn't his house have like, it was like.
Ricketty?
Yeah, well, it had some rickets. Is that a thing? What is a ricket?
It's almost a cricket.
No, but like when someone says something is ricketty, you know what it is.
It's like old and like creepy and like.
So then what's a ricket?
I, I don't, I don't, I don't think that's like, the origin of the word.
Well, if I say something is.
Ricketty is the origin.
Yeah, ricketty, but like, in order to be ricketty, there needs to be a basis for what ricketty is, which is a ricket.
I don't know that that's true.
Like if I were to say that you're.
Yeah, well, you're describing a, like adding L Y is adver- no.
Uh, you're, don't, don't start pulling out language arts on me.
Adverb.
I, no, don't you dare. Don't you dare. But I'm saying like.
You know what's crazy? The, the, the rise of pronouns and everything has really helped me like, with that.
Understand what a pronoun and adverb.
Like, a noun you know, an adjective you know, but like, a pronoun, once you start adding like, there's two syllable words. Pronoun, adverb, I'm like, alright.
We all know what an adjective is. It's a person plays their thing.
I know what an adverb is.
We all know what a pronoun is. We all know what a noun is. It's.
Person plays her thing.
That's an adjective.
No, it's not.
Oh, that's describing a person plays her thing. A noun is a person plays her thing. We all knew that.
Wait, what are you, wait, what are you talking about?
Just, I just wanted to make sure you knew.
Knew what?
Wha- what a noun was.
I know what a noun is.
Yeah, good. We all know, then.
You didn't know what a noun was?
I knew what a noun was. Nice try.
What's a, what's a, what's a, uh, adverb?
You know.
Well, break it down. You can get this. You know what a verb is.
I, I, I, verb. It's what you do. I remember those commercials from back in the day.
So then what would an adverb be?
It's doing what you do.
It's describing what you do.
Yeah, like an example?
E- exactly.
No, what is an example?
Well, uh, you give me an example, Mr. King Smart.
Well, um, I know what it is.
Alright, let's say at the same time.
There could be any number of words.
Alright, so let's say if the, the verb is, uh, climbing, an adverb is?
Quickly. Yeah.
It describes the way that you do the verb.
Exactly. That's exactly what it is. And then a proper noun, obviously.
Is that just like a name of a thing?
Well, you tell me.
I'm trying. I don't know. Is that just like the name, like, oh, like St. Patrick's Cathedral? Why is that? Example that I had.
Why? This has been a heavy, like...
Religious kind of?
Religious kind of talk.
Religious and vampires?
Top three cathedrals I've seen. St. Patrick's.
Dude, I, I went to Notre Dame. I like St. Patrick's better.
Yeah?
I mean, I'm gonna give it to Notre Dame because...
It's older.
Yeah, and I'm like...
It's a couple of years older.
I'm in France, so...
This is cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it Notre Dame or Notre Dame?
I think it's Notre Dame.
Probably.
But, you know.
The other day, Becca said Notre Dame, and I said...
It's like...
Like, "That's wrong."
You don't get to be both.
I said to her, I was like, "That's wrong." She's like, "You sure?" I was like, "Yeah."
Notre Dame.
That's funny. Yeah, no, uh, but yeah, that's definitely top three cathedrals I've been into.
St. Patrick's, St. Notre.
That ain't it.
What does Notre Dame mean?
I don't know that it has a me- I thought it was just like a, that's what it is.
Well, Dame is like, uh, like, it's for a woman.
Our lady. That's what it means? Our lady.
Look at me.
I'm a fucking genius, bro.
You don't even know what an adverb is.
I knew what it was, I just wanted to make sure you knew. We, oh, what makes us good as a duo is we hold each other to high standards. And my standard for you is understanding what an adverb is.
Is what you understand, exactly. Also, you brought up before that like, there's like banned names, can you, can you, I wanna know.
Yes. So, I saw this thing that came out that, um, there is a list of names that have been banned.
I don't know why I said it like that. Uh, and I wanna see, some of these are pretty good.
Are they like, they're not normal names?
Some of them are.
Like Trevor?
No. You could still call yourself Trevor, although we probably shouldn't.
What's wrong with Trevor?
Just a name.
Um, yeah, I thought there was like a reason why I'm saying that.
So, one of the ones there, uh, oh, I'm gonna go one further. Not only are they banned, apparently they're illegal. You can get in trouble if you try to name your kid this. So, one of them is ten sixty-nine.
Ten sixty-nine?
One zero six nine, yeah. I don't, what's that? Is that like a hip thing in the something community?
Who the fuck is naming their child, I mean, I guess Elon Musk, but like, who's, who else is naming their child like numbers?
Elon Musk goes to like a shooting range and like fires a gun at like a series of iron plates and then names his child that.
I think he farts on a calculator and then just goes, "This. This is what I'm naming my kid."
What was it, like, the one that was just like X A E?
That's what I'm referring to.
Omega N, and it was like, their name is Eric. And it was like, "Come on, man, what are you, what are you doing?"
I, I...
But ten sixty-nine?
That feels like a specific number. Why don't we just outlaw all numbers? Does anyone, do you know anyone with a number name?
We, we, their name was Seven, but it was spelled...
That's a sick name.
That was spelled, it wasn't spelled the number Seven.
Right.
But like, also ten sixty-nine? What, what is that? And why not just do like four twenty sixty-nine?
If you had to name your kid a number that wasn't Seven, what would you, which one?
Eleven.
Cop out.
I mean, you asked a question. Alright, uh, ninety.
I don't even know what you just said.
Ninety?
Ninety.
Why are you saying ninety?
Cause it's spelled with a T.
You pronounce that nine T?
I mean, I, I think for this, the conversation, I probably pronounce it nine T. But like normally I'll say ninety.
Oh, oh.
Ninety, uh. Ninety? That's interesting.
Like, this is my kid nine.
It's like thousand?
Thousand.
Millie. Million. And then it'd just be Millie.
That's, that's a good one.
Thousand, thou-
I was thinking like-
Or billion, Billy.
Yeah, like the big num- like the full number.
Naming your kid billion is crazy.
There, I'm sure-
Those aren't bad names though. Billion and million.
I mean-
Ninety's not bad either.
I'm very good at this. Sixty.
Nah.
Alright, fucked up?
Why does seven sound like such a good name?
Seven's great.
Seven, but the kid that we knew named Seven-
But it also sounds like Sven.
That's probably what it was. It was probably like originally like Sven, and then it was like seven, and then it just stuck.
Yeah, I like- Is ten a good name? Ten or one?
So you criticized sixty and you hate, you, you're going with ten?
Oh, I'm like, I'm trying it on. I'm, I'm like committing to ten. Eleven's a good one.
Eleven is a really good one.
It's like, it's-
Nothing in the f- fives or fours, so like four-
Five is, ugh.
Five? It's like, oh, this is fifty-eight.
Fifty-eight is crazy. That sucks.
Seventy is good, so like seventy-eight. Oh, it's just seventy-eight.
Seventy-eight?
Anything with an and, you gotta toss that. Like a hundred and one.
Yeah, no, no, no.
Hundred one.
That's stupid.
Seventy-eight. Seventy-one, seventy. Seventy, seventy? Seventy's not bad.
Yeah. Alright.
What are we doing?
1069. The next one is At. Just the A with the circle around it.
What are we doing? What are we doing?
If I ever, I'm not even kidding. If I met someone and they were like, "This is my name," and they wrote it out like that, I would, I'd be like, "Just on principle alone, I can't know you."
At?
"Hi, I'm At." I'd be like, "No, you're not. You're, I'm gonna call you Carl."
Yeah, I would like, call them something, not that.
Addie? Oh, I guess that kinda works.
Ooh, Addie.
Addie works.
Addie. At. That's crazy.
Uh, next one, uh, is Three. But it's just the Roman numeral for Three.
Aye, aye, aye.
Oi, oi, oi.
I guess if this child was named after Alpha Five from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, that would be their name.
Alright, didn't understand that one at all.
Cause he's saying, "Aye, aye, aye."
You know?
Hands laughing too hard.
Did you know what that was, what he said? He didn't know.
He's laughing way too hard at that.
It's so bad that it's good, right?
No, it was good. Three is not great.
Alright, next one, Messiah.
That's kinda-
I think that's a cool name.
I agree. I kinda like this one.
I get the religious, like, not like-
Wanting people to be named Messiah, but like-
Yeah, I, I don't mind this one. I feel like it's-
You can name your kid Jesus, can't name him Messiah?
Next one on here, Jesus Christ.
You can name Jesus, but not Jesus Christ.
But like, can you, can you do Jesus Christopher? Jesus Christ. And Messiah is a good one.
Yo, can I say something? Jesus Christ is a great name. That's just a good sounding name.
It's alright.
Nah, dude, it was always gonna be Jesus Christ.
If I was to rename Jesus Christ, I'd name him like-
Matza Shrek.
I don't even know what he said.
Was there Shrek in there?
I heard Matza Shrek.
Is that what you said? Matza? Master Shrek?
Max. But now that I think about it, Max Shrek was the name of Christopher Walken's character in Batman Returns.
His name was Max Shrek?
That's just for me.
Clearly. No, Jesus Christ is such a good name. It's such a pow- it's, it feels like there's light on it, you know?
I think Max Shrek. Or like something sharper than Jesus Christ.
How do you feel about the, about the name God?
I don't think it's that good.
Jesus Christ is a better name.
I feel like... Yeah, I feel like God should be named like...
Something cooler.
Something cooler than God. What's cooler than God?
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, that's like better.
Or like-
Have two names.
Knife.
Knife?
No, I wouldn't name God Knife.
This is our, this is... The one above all. What's their name? Stalactite.
That's not bad.
Cause, but that feels Greek.
Uh...
Like Greeks would probably be like, "This is, this is stalactite" and he like, you know, has powers and shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, alright. He stole the sun from like, you know... Someone or some shit.
Yeah. Or like, you know what? Instead of God-
Scissor!
I'm just thinking of a sharp thing.
It's very sharp, yeah. I was thinking... I was thinking lesbians.
Okay. And God forbid we had a God named after lesbians, right?
Have a lesbian God! Um, what about like Stone?
Ooh, okay.
Stone? It's too earthly.
Well, what is God if not of this earth?
He is partly of earth.
He? Crazy. Um-
Well, they call him Him. Don't they? Or is that Jesus Christ? Still back to that great name.
That's back to it. Um, next, uh, both on here, King and Queen. Separate names.
You could definitely name-
I mean, King is obviously just for like pit bulls.
Everyone knows.
Those are pit bull names.
It's my dog King.
This is King. And I walk him with a leash, but the leash is a chain.
It's a bike chain.
It's a bike chain and that's how I walk him and he eats raw meat. Only.
Come with me to get ready to feed my fucking pit bull human bone.
And watch how I take a picture with him with my legs spread out and he's standing in front of me like this. This is King.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm DMX.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm gonna sit on my car hood and take a picture with my dog who's also on my car hood.
And my dog for some reason has the biggest balls ever.
Yup.
Dude, people who have like, I think there's a correlation between people who use those big ass chains for their dogs and the dog's balls.
I was gonna say.
They're usually crazy.
Dude, there's a poodle in my building. The fattest balls. I'm like, what is that?
I was gonna say there's probably a correlation between fat nuts on a dog, tiny cock on the male owner of that dog.
I don't know. Dude, it's so rare that you see balls and I saw balls in the wild and I was like, yo. These are giants.
On a poodle nonetheless. I feel like I would never think a poodle was a, was a boy dog.
It's literally like, I feel weird seeing it.
I'm like, yo, I shouldn't be seeing this.
You shouldn't.
Put some pants on this dog.
Damn right.
I think that if your dog has giant balls, you should put shorts on.
Isn't that, yeah, I agree. They should wear something. I don't wanna see your dog's nuts everywhere.
Because they don't, they look like balls, dog. Like, they do.
They're dog balls, dog.
Yeah. Like, it looks like a dude's fucking balls.
And like, we're just out here on the street.
I was walking home and this tiny woman was walking this gigantic pit bull. And I was just like, if this dog wants a problem, we're both in trouble.
Yeah, dude.
Cause it got big balls.
No, yes.
I'll, I'll be honest, if I'm attacked by a dog, I'd prefer it has balls, cause then I got something to hit.
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Um, I think that maybe we should go back to you saying you wanna be attacked by a dog with huge balls.
No, no, no, no!
He said he wants to touch its huge balls.
No, stop that. I didn't say that. No, no, both of you, cut it out. Okay?
Firmly grasp.
I said, if I'm gonna get attacked by a dog, I'd prefer to be one with big testicles. So, I could have like a clear like, "Bro, when you play a video game, let's play Zelda." "Let's play Zelda together." And you see the big, like, the area on the boss that you need to hit with your weapons. Then it's like, "Alright, like, this is doable. I know what I need to do here." If a dog bites me, and it got nuts, I know where to kick.
Easy as that.
The comparison you just made is so funny.
Easy as that, man.
You know, I don't need to wonder how I'm gonna defeat this thing. I see the weak spot. And it's, and it's the dog nuts.
Bro, you know what happened to me? I was almost attacked by an animal. I was walking my dog, and there was a, a goose. And it was like, "Haa! Haa! Ha!" They like, they do like, they like hiss, or they go, "Thiff! Thiff!"
God damn it.
But they have their tongue out.
Yeah, they...
Yes, that's better. I don't know what I'm doing up here.
It's not bad, I'll be honest.
But like, they were like honking at me, and then hissing at me, and I was like, "Yo, you're lucky there's a fence in between me. I'll fuck you up."
Well, you remember my story when I almost had to fistfight a swan? This thing was big, brother.
I got bit by a swan at the zoo.
I would've killed it.
It got my finger a little bit. I liked it, though.
I don't know. Just getting bit by a little...
This one was foaming at the mouth. And I knew...
A swan?
What, to get fucked by a raccoon? How's that happen?
I don't know, this stuff happens. Maybe it got attacked while it was out there. Yeah, I don't, uh, duck, like, ducks are cute from a distance, brother. Like, cute, over there, like, I don't need to...
When I went to, when we were in, uh, London, I took a walk to whatever that park is called. But, they had a bunch of swans, and they were like right up on me.
Yeah, I don't fuck with that.
They were cool, though. They were chill. No one honked.
"Huh! Huh!"
Did you see the video that we that we were getting tagged in on TikTok where it's like you're walking alone at night? It says like an owl wants you going like huh huh huh and it's like a bunch of different ones that we're doing.
I saw the one that was like us, uh but it was the story of Lion King.
What? I missed that.
Oh, it's a good one. It's a really good one. I'll show you after we record. Um but it's like, I don't know how people have the time to do this. Thank you, but also crazy.
You were about to tell me what it was like and then you stopped. You're like, it's like, it's like.
I I can't explain it. It's just like it's it's it's us like talking and then the roar is in there and then.
You being a cat?
Uh I think both of us being a cat are in there. Oh no, I was a cat. That's right. I think like you're talking about like you're talking shit about Timon and Pumba. It's all in there.
I saw one in the basement yard, but it's it's only animals.
Yeah, the best one that I've seen and it was one that we sent each other was the building a house.
Bro.
Pang pang pang, bang bang.
I was dying when I saw that.
Uh some other names that we have on here that are also banned. Um.
Uh Majesty.
I don't know why. That's a kind of a cool name.
Bro. I know a kid that is a teacher and there was a kid in his class whose name was YA apostrophe Majesty, Ya Majesty. That was his first name.
I like that.
Ya Majesty.
I like that one.
I'm like, yo. You don't like it?
Eh.
I think it's I think it's heavy.
It's really heavy.
It's heavy because it's like, bro, this is like now you have to be like a royal dude.
Yeah, or you can just be yourself.
I know, but like you're using your majesty.
Hmm, I like Ya Majesty. I think it's a cool one.
Who are we to judge? You're Joseph.
First of all, no one's saying it's a bad name. I'm saying you don't hear that name.
I know, you don't. You absolutely don't. What's uh do you remember anyone that you went to school with? The only person I can remember was uh.
I guess I can't remember them.
You mean like a weird name?
I don't think I had anyone-
Oh, treasure, but that's not that weird.
I had a, uh, I had a princess in high school. I had a prince and princess, brother sister. Which makes it cooler.
That kinda does.
What are the parents?
But then what if you have a third child? What do you name them? Jester?
I think there's other.
Duke?
There's other ones, probably.
Duke is a good one.
You go back around, probably, queen, king.
Prince and princess, yeah, we had a princess in high school. I don't think there was anything else that was like...
I think there was one kid named Shuffcot, but everyone just called him Shovecock.
Shovecock is crazy.
There was kids in, in my high school that... Him, his brother, who's older than us, and their dad had the same name. Like same first name, last name.
Well, it was like George Foreman. George Foreman named all of his kids George Foreman. Which is, that, that just doesn't make any sense.
I don't, I don't even get the strat.
Yeah, like you're all George Foreman?
This is my daughter, George Foreman.
Yeah, weird. Uh, two more on here. One of them, I, I think you will... Obviously not like, uh, Nutella.
Nutella? Oh, that's a beautiful name.
I think it's a great name. Why can't you name your kid Nutella? It's gotta be like... The brand was just like, "Don't do that, they're Italian."
Are they also... Luigi? The fuck was that?
Dun, da, da.
Nutella, I love that name.
I love that name.
Nutella.
Ella!
Double, double L into an A names are great.
You like those?
I'm trying to think of like other, like Isabella.
I like Isabella.
Angela.
Esmeralda.
Michaela?
Where's the double L? Michaela, I've never seen it with double L's.
No, but like-
I guess it's possible.
I think that's like love.
I think you mean phonetically, like that.
That's such a like... Italian girl thing, like Maria Angela Bella.
I don't like that shit.
You remember that, back in the MySpace day, every girl was Bella something?
You know, Anna Maria Bella La La La La La. You know? La Bella Stephanie. Like, that was when it was even funnier, when it was just like, a clearly not Italian name. Like, it was just like, Michelle Simpson, and they were just like, La Bella Fuccina, Michelle Simpson.
There was a girl growing up, that her, I think it was like, her MySpace name was like, her name, and then Bella, and still to this day, I refer to her as that.
Yeah, she's still referred, like, we don't, I don't think we've ever used her last name.
It's she's so-and-so Bella.
Like, and everyone knows who we're talking about.
Like, because of her MySpace name, it's like, oh, that's, I don't want to say her name, but like...
Yeah, and then do you remember, there was like, a select few Italian guys that called themselves Bello? And we call, and they were, they got roasted.
One of them, I know that we called him Bello, because he did it on his MySpace.
Yeah, he was like...
I don't call him that anymore, though, I've seen him.
Oh, I haven't seen him.
I think I've made it.
I also wouldn't call him that, I would probably just call him by his regular name, but like, back in the day, he was like, I'm Bello. Bello so-and-so. I'm not gonna say his name, I almost slipped up, you saw that?
Yeah. I like Bello, actually. As a dude's name? Yeah, it sounds kinda cool. Bello and Bella? I'm sure there's dudes named Bello.
Um, Santa Claus. Can't call your kid Santa Claus. That seems disrespectful.
That feels crazy to do.
I'm paying respect to one of my favorites.
This is my son's Santa Claus? That's so crazy.
That would be awesome. That'd be the coolest kid in school, if we were kids.
What would your daughter's name be? Easter Bunny?
Or maybe they're named off, maybe, maybe that Santa Claus could be named after when they were conceived. So like, the next kid could be like, Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, but like...
It wouldn't be Santa Claus.
Yeah, but they can't, clearly they can't go with the Christ part of it, so they're just like, this is Santa Claus. And it's like, why are all of our kids named after, like, generally, like, holidays? Like, here is Saint Patrick, here is Cinco de Mayo, here is Arbor Day, here is Santa Claus.
Arbor Day. Christmas is a way better name than Santa Claus.
I disagree.
I like the last name Christmas, there's people with that last name.
Isn't there like, a football player recently with the last name Christmas?
Couldn't tell you.
But, I like the last name Christmas.
Lloyd Christmas, from Dumb and Dumber.
Oh, Lloyd Christmas, that's a good one, yeah.
Um, okay.
And the last one here, is, uh, obviously Adolf Hitler.
You added that one.
No, I did not.
Wow, it's on there.
It's on there.
Yeah, that feels like a without sa- like, you don't have to say it.
You know what's sad is that people have tried to use that one probably more than the others.
Like, there's some, I'm sure there's people that are just like, "We're gonna, we're gonna, why does he get to ruin the name?" You know?
Well, I think that you could probably still use Adolf. I feel like that's a popular name.
Yeah, but people probably...
I would probably steer clear just because.
I would, I would avoid it.
Because of the association.
Yeah. I would even just avoid Adolf.
That's what, well...
Oh, that's what you're saying?
You're not gonna be like, "Hey, this is my son Adolf Hitler."
Are there still people with the last name Hitler? Cause like, that is such a specific...
This may be a dumb thing to say. Was that his real name?
I think. I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know why, but I felt like maybe that wouldn't be his actual name. I don't think it's a dumb question.
I don't think it's a dumb question either. I thi- I think you're okay with asking that.
But like...
Boy.
Absolutely.
It was his last name.
Did he have any other like names, like a middle name or something?
No. I don't, I don't know Hitler's middle name.
What is this show? What is it?
The way you said that.
No, um, I don't know Hitler's middle name.
Yeah, I think we retire that one. Not retire it, I think we piss on it.
We could, yeah, we could pee on it, bury it, you know? Also, Adolf not, just not a great name.
Yeah, it's sharp.
It's, and, and the back, the back end of it, Hitler, definitely not a great name.
Don't like that.
Well.
We should talk about something else.
Yeah, before we get out of here.
You know, I'm really glad that we saved that for after the ads. Cause I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about that. What did you save? The dog with the balls.
I think you've never been attacked by a dog.
I have.
Like in real life?
Are you okay?
Yep. Um, I, when I was younger, I was going to Sign My Deli. I was with my mom and there was a dog outside and he was a big dog. But I was also like a kid, but I do remember this and he broke the chain. And just like jumped on me. He didn't like bite my face, but he like jumped on me and knocked me down and my mom screamed and the guy ran out.
How did they not ruin dogs for you forever? I feel like if that happened to a kid.
I mean, if he mauled my face, I'd probably be like, alright, I don't really trust dogs.
Yeah, but I'm saying like, still that would like terrify you. One of our friend's dogs snapped at me and like, I think like just grazed me, but like it wasn't bad.
Who?
Uh, it was our, remember our friend Shane had two dogs. It was like Dolly or Molly or something like that.
What kind of, were they Sheps?
They were, no, I think they were white and fluffy.
Oh. Dude.
They were bigger dogs.
Oh, were they?
Yeah, they weren't small. And well, maybe, I don't know, maybe, because we were young, so maybe they, you know, it's possible, but yeah, I remember they snapped and I was just like, oh shit.
Some little white dogs are fucking assholes.
Bro, small dogs.
They're kinda dicks.
They're, the scariest dog I've ever met in my entire life was a Pomeranian. This thing was, when I say vicious, that would be a good word for it. It was pretty vicious.
I hate when like I see videos on the internet of people's dogs and they're like, like touching their feet or something like, and they're like showing their teeth and they're like, oh, this is how he plays. And I'm like, bro, this is not normal.
This dog is gonna kill you one day.
Yeah, like it's not normal.
We always forget that animals like even domesticated animals are still animals.
I, if, when my dog was a puppy and they're finding out like how much they could bite you or whatever the fuck, or sometimes he would like snap at you when they're puppies. I would get in this guy's face like a football coach. What are you gonna do? Huh? Do it! Do it if you're gonna do it! Like I'd be right in his face.
Shame this dog and...
Literally. I'd be like, "I could just end it, right now, if you want to."
What would you do, seriously? Seriously, if you had a child and Charlie like bit and latched on to that?
Let me tell you something.
I've thought about this. Like, if a dog like attacked one of my kids, like, I'm gonna say to Becca, like, "Take the kids inside, it's gonna get messy out here."
Frank. I would, eh, like...
I love my fucking dog.
I would kill it with my bare hands.
Yeah. That's what I thought. That's what you should do.
I would literally snap its neck.
I mean, it would depend what it, what happened. Like, if, if like, a kid walked over and like, pulled the tail of, of the dog like mad hard, and it turned around and like bit their hand or something, then like...
I'm not, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying this thing...
Out of nowhere, like...
This thing latches on, and like...
For no reason.
Fu- fuck a reason, dude!
I think that matters.
But, bro, I, I, okay, it pulled its tail, but it latched on and it has its fucking canines in this thing's arm, and it's not letting go.
I mean, you kick it as hard as you can.
But then you can hurt the kid. I'm murdering that dog.
There's, there's, there's dogs that just snap one day and attack. In that case, like, I'm killing the dog where it lays. But like, I'm saying if, eh, if a child like hur- like, pulled on a dog's tail or something like that, and there was like, whatever, I'd be less inclined to be like, "Alright, there's something wrong with this dog." Like, you know, whatever. But some dogs just snap, and they'll like attack.
I can't, yo, I've seen videos of it's like, dogs just snapping and like, going after one of the kids.
Yeah, no.
I can't, I can't even put myself in the mentality of what I would do, because it's fucking heartbreaking.
It's a weird question. Do, I'm sorry, go. No, what you're gonna say?
Do dogs like, get dementia and stuff? Like, the dogs that snap, like eventually, are they like just, I don't know, losing it mentally?
I, I don't know why they do it, but it does happen, for whatever reason. I don't know why. I think that maybe they get territorial and there's a new baby, so it feels like, this is a threat to their dyna- I don't, I don't know. But like, it's definitely happened, and I remember because my, my brother has a dog, that...
Like, has killed like rabbits in their backyard. So they were nervous about having a baby because of this dog.
He's a husky. So they were just kind of like, dude, do we even like ta- is it even worth this risk? Or whatever the fuck. Um, but the dog's like, super chill, nice dog, like, nothing ever happened. But like, it's a concern because that does happen. Like, especially with dogs. I mean, my dog, the breed is not like typically, at least I don't think, or like, uh, Charlie's the biggest p- bitch in the world, by the way. Um, but like, there are certain breeds that are more susceptible to being like, they could do damage and like hurt people.
And like, have a tendency to do something like that. Or also if they were like in a pound and have some sort of PTSD or something like that, and something could set them off. It's terrifying, bro. Terrifying. But I've also seen videos of dogs like, saving kids.
Yeah, I've seen those, yeah.
And those are nuts.
Yeah. Where it's like, there's like a, like a wild dog runs across the street and this thing like runs in and tackles the dogs.
That's so crazy.
Yeah, that is cool.
It's so, it's so interesting, dude.
Now we gotta end on this. Should we go back to talking about Hitler?
Probably not. I feel like this is probably better, to be honest with you. Anyway, I think that is all for today, folks. Thank you so much. Like Frank said earlier, go to thebasementyard.com, get yourself some tickets to our live shows. We are coming very soon to a city near you. Uh, and if you're coming to the shows, go to thebasementyard.com/submit and submit some stuff so that we could talk to you during the shows, alright? But that is all. Frank, where can they find you?
You know, go.
Exactly, and that is all. See you guys next time.
See ya.
Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated