The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Pink Pantheress here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you, based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com.
Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. There he is, twiddling his thumbs, thinking of things. How fast can you do that? How fast? Have you ever thought about like how fast you can move those? My thumbs? Just any finger. I remember one time you were like trying to do this or something really fast. Bro, if you get going on that, it feels like a force of like nature. Like it doesn't feel like you're... The white people roll dance? Yeah, I hate... White people need to like get back together, call a meeting, and go back over... Well, I don't know about a meeting. Because like, yeah. They call them rallies, I think, Frank.
They're not meetings. Well, it depends on what you wear to the meeting. That's true. And where the meeting is. Cause you could wear normal clothes, but if you do it inside a government-protected building, some people will call it one thing, some people will call it another. Right. You know, but... But if you're out in the middle of the woods? If you're out in the middle of the woods, that's also scary. Right. You know, but like, do this as fast as you can and tell me it doesn't feel like there's just a force of nature and like you are like creating like a, like a, like a, like a, like an atomic bomb level amount of energy. I, I did try this on the show and it didn't feel that way. It didn't feel like that? I also hit my knuckles against each other and that... Like it, like, it feels... Did you just break your hands?
I hit my hand, but I'm okay. It feels like there's just something there. You look like you're doing that boxing thing. Have you ever been able to do that? I can do it like not insanely fast. Here's Big Cock McGee can fucking do it, I'm sure. Yeah, and it's like, oh yeah. Some, I would say it's easy, actually.
Wait, I just want to point out this, you know, for those who follow the NBA, this fucking piece of shit showed up today wearing an Indiana Pacers fucking crew neck, and I should punch you in the face.
And what's more crucial is that this is being recorded after game one.
Yeah, that's even more crucial. And I know that there's comments, "Oh, they're so mean to Ant sometimes," or whatever. I want to ball up all the energy I have and take it out on you like a rabid Wolverine.
They don't, they don't understand that we have literally made a living, and even before that, off a rag on each other, friend banter. Bing bang, bing bang boom. You know? So like, he comes in here trying to poke the bear and not get a response out of us. He's come in with-
By the way, I want to tell you what happened.
Celtic shirts, Pacers shirts.
I came in here, and his office is like off to the side, and I literally just put my middle finger over there, and he goes, "You didn't even see my shirt." And I start walking, I hear him, he goes, "I'm gonna chase ya, I'm gonna chase ya." And I sit down in my office, he opens up the door and he's wearing that.
Well, he started with the finger, so really, he started it.
You wore the thing! Yeah, you gotta, you have, you have, you came with- You're lucky I don't have weapons. If I had ninja stars, dude, they'd be in you. Oh.
That sounds sexual, but I meant like, I would throw them into your skin.
Right.
I, I, I think Ant, he's clearly poking the bear. We asked him earlier, we were just like, you know, "Who are you like a sport, like a fan of?" And he's just like, "Sports." He's like, "The game." And he's like- "The game." He's like- "My dad?" He's like, "I'm a better sports fan than you guys." "Just want to see a good game."
Oh, I'm sorry.
Way to go. You're fucking, I'm, I said it before and I'll say it again, you're that meme of Rob Lowe sitting at a game with just an NFL hat. Like, that's who you are.
Let's go refs.
You know, you remember those fittings back in the day? That were like, it had like the MLB logo, and then it had a patch for every single MLB team. They had them for football and basketball as well. That's what we should get them.
Remember the pants? Remember the big pants?
I don't remember the pants.
I remember that.
I don't.
Wait, hold on, before we go any further, guys, we do have some major, major news about the tour.
Ticket sales going unbelievably. We've already sold more tickets than we sold all of last year. It's been incredible. And one place in particular has supported us so much. And like every single show that we have listed in this city has sold out in literal seconds. So we're adding a third show to Toronto. Free, free. Pick number three, my lord. So we're gonna add another show, a third show on August 5th in Toronto. Tickets for that show go on sale right now. Well, not right now technically, if you're watching this at 7 a.m. Uh, today, June 2nd, uh, noon, okay, Eastern time. So at noon, uh, June 2nd, which is today,
when this is going out to the public. So at noon, get your tickets. Uh, our third show there. And if that sells out in seconds, I don't, I don't even know what to do. I don't, I don't even know. We're gonna have to move to Skosh. Um, we'll have to move to the bank. We'll do the show, if we sell that third one out, we will do a show where Ant is entirely covered in tin bits. We'll tape an entire- Hanging upside down. Hanging upside down. We'll tape- Covered in some sort of oil or adhesive? Well, tin bits, you know- But they're, but they're stuck to his body. They're stuck to him. We can tape them or glue them, but we will, we will adhere, uh, how many tin bits it takes to adhere to his skin if we sell out this third show. Right. I think that's a no-brainer. I think it's a no-brainer as well.
And he's also a huge fan of any team that ever has existed in Toronto. Big Leafs fan. Big Leafs, Raptors, Blue Jays fan, you know?
Um, but yeah, so go to thebasemyard.com. There's no code or anything. Just go to thebasemyard.com at noon today, June 2nd. You will get tickets to that third Toronto show. Thank you to Toronto specifically for being so supportive over the years. And thank you to everybody. As Joey said, the tickets have sold incredibly well. There's still some available, so go to thebasemyard.com, click and see if they're available in the area you're coming to. If not, if you feel so inclined and you want to take a trip somewhere, it's gonna be a good fun time. Yeah. What was that? I was stretching, but then I sounded like an old turtle. What's your, what's your go-to stretch in the morning?
That's a great question.
So you wake up. You wake up.
You go out?
You wake up.
Yeah.
Walk me through, are you still in bed for your stretch? Do you get up and stretch out of bed?
What are you insane?
People stretch in bed.
Yeah, me.
Oh, you!
You stand up and stretch?
Yeah, I get up and I, I, alright, so show me your go-to morning stretch.
You must, you probably stretch like a cartoon.
Definitely makes a noise.
Yeah, you definitely make a noise.
I mean...
What, my Yogi Bear?
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, you stretch like a bear.
Ah, no, no.
What a good slumber.
If I make...
That's how you stretch. Yeah, like, oh, I guess I'm getting a little tired.
If I wake up, any noises I make during the stretch are completely involuntary. I wanna make that very clear. I'm not waking up and going like,
like, I'm not like, it's not like a cute stretch.
I don't think we believe that.
My stretches get ugly.
That's it.
How do you stretch? What do you do?
My stretches are like, they like, start here, and then they like, like, contort.
Did you hurt his shoulder?
Shoulder, I don't know what part of my body that was, but everything popped and cracked.
I think I...
I don't do like, cute stretches.
No, me neither. I go back.
You go back?
I go back, while I'm laying down.
Oh, so like, do you like, arch your back like a good little bitch?
Okay, that's insane. Uh, that's not what happens at all. Uh, but I go back, and then I think I go, like, my face always contorts, I go like,
Oh yeah, you're pushing, you're pushing through.
And then I, and then I go out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're pushing through the stretch. So it's like,
Yeah, and then, but then I get him, I get in here, and I push my tits together.
You push your titties?
And then I, and then I, I stretch down.
So you...
Right after the wide, I go down.
Pop your cleavage, arch your back.
And then you just moan through it.
You're horny.
No, it's funny because like, I think the internet, like, movies, again, it's all movies. They've made it so like, you wake up and it's like, ah, wow, good morning, like, no. My morning stretches are like, I'm kind of like a little bit of a gremlin in them. You know what I'm saying? I'm just like,
Sometimes my hands do stuff, and I'm like, what was that? Like, I'm like, I come up, like, I'm like...
You pull up?
Yeah, like my arm's just like I'm like, what am I doing?
Okay, and you don't, you don't do like?
I don't stand up and stretch, that's bananas.
I do stand stretch.
I'm yawning.
I do stand stretch, I'm up here, and like, sometimes I get up a little too fast and I have to stop, I'm like...
That hasn't happened to me in a while.
I used to do that on purpose as a kid.
Stand up really fast?
Yeah, I would lay down on the couch upside down and then get up as fast as I could and see what...
How do you lay down upside down?
Like you lay, like with your head hanging off the couch.
Oh.
So like, literally my feet are my head, my head is my feet, and I lay there and then I quickly stand up and I'm like...
That did it for you, huh?
It's like whippets without the drugs, you know?
I'm very glad you're not into heroin. That's a crazy thing to be doing. Yeah, I didn't do that, um, I just, you know...
You didn't have any like cute like kid things that you did in terms?
I'm sure I did, I just, but I did sit on a couch normally, I think.
I also sat on my couch normally, don't try to turn this into like I was just a psychopath.
You got off on, on like, just standing up real fast and being dizzy?
See now, getting off is going down weird territory, I didn't get off...
Tell you got your rocks off?
I didn't get my rocks off, my rocks were right where they needed to be.
They were on tight.
My rocks were on tight, just like, just like those Timbits that are gonna be on hand if we sell that third Toronto show.
I need one.
Oh, that's nice. Wait, you'd eat them off of him?
One.
Can I ask you a serious question? Can I ask you a serious question?
Yeah, I love Timbits, I love it.
No, no, yeah, those are good, whatever, fine.
If you went to a party and there was one of those like...
Naked Asian girls?
Naked sushi situation. Are you even gonna?
If I had to?
No one's holding a gun to your head.
No, I know, but I'm saying like, I think, like... I think the answer is no.
Unless it's prosciutto.
Oh, so you're If it's a charcuterie.
I've always seen it as sushi.
Well, one, I'd walk in, I'd see the naked girl with the, with the food all over her and I'd be like, oh, I'm in one of those parties, I'm gonna get killed tonight.
You're gonna get, you gotta go.
Or bribed or blackmailed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because that's what happens those.
Oh, yeah, those freak offs, as they call them.
F O's. Uh. But I, I would not opt for that. If I had to, though, I'd probably try to stay like up here, like get a shoulder.
The shoulders?
Like a shoulder.
Okay, but like.
I would even go for a boob, but I'm not, I don't know. Once we start venturing.
On top of nipple, or are you going for like upper boob?
I think we're staying as high as we can. I think once you get around to that belly button, a belly button, I feel like is like a pool, things pool there.
It's a cesspool, it is. And belly buttons are kinda like little like gross like septic tanks.
Like a, like a, like a, you know, you could, I don't know. Have you ever done a body shot?
I don't think I have.
I feel like I've done a body shot.
If I have, I've completely forgotten.
I think I did a body shot at your house.
Off of whom?
One of our friends. Who was a girl.
Uh.
Who was a girl.
Who?
You don't need to say their name, unless you wanna let it, let it fly, maybe.
I'm not going to, I'm trying to figure out how to describe. One of our like friends, they're like actual friends that, I'm, I'm still friends with her.
Oh, okay.
She doesn't live here anymore.
Gotcha.
I got it. That's a s- really?
It was just like a.
That's honestly knowing how this, this person was a little like
kinda conservative, not with her political views.
But like with just like being the life of the party. So like that sounds a little surprising.
I think it was just like a, we were like, oh, it'd be a funny, funny joke or something.
It'd be hysterical if no one else in this room knew about this and you did it by yourselves.
It was literally on your kitchen counter.
Don't remember that.
I also, uh.
Remember like immediately afterwards, I was like, why did I do that?
What was it a shot of?
Probably something disgusting.
Oh, like Jameson or, sorry.
Jose Cuervo or something.
Oh, yeah, we're never gonna get a deal with Cuervo, so. You let that fly.
But it was something like that. And then immediately after, I was like, why the hell did I do that? Because then I just started thinking about belly buttons. And I was like, mine is not great.
Belly buttons, brother, yeah.
I actually like finding crumbs in my belly button.
Do you eat them?
Do I eat them? What am I, nine?
You like finding crumbs in your belly button. I don't know the extent of your maturity.
I never ate boogers. I never ate my belly button crumbs or any of that.
Yeah, I, as like a little, little kid, like two years old or something, ate boogers. Yeah, I mean, everyone did. Maybe, maybe three or four, but like, as soon as I started.
I've been sentient at two years old.
As soon as I started getting grossed out by it, like, that's one of those things that like, I see videos of people eating boogers and it just sends chills down my spine.
Yeah, it's disgusting.
Sentient at two years old. You don't know who I was at two years old, bitch.
Bro, people who, do you, when you blow your nose?
Do you check it?
You look at it and you go?
No.
No?
I don't wanna see the mess in that.
I take a peek. The mess in that. I take a peek just to make sure I'm not like blowing out some weird shit. But I don't like go there and go, oh, no. Actually, that's a lie. Sometimes I'll blow my nose and I'm like, oh my god, there's so much coming out.
You got that from your dad. Your dad used to do that. You told me that your dad would like inspect his tissues.
First of all, my dad doesn't blow his nose into tissues. Are you insane?
That's fair, yeah. He would inspect his hands or your childhood blankets or something.
Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen my dad use a tissue, nor do I think they would work against his face. You would need a paper towel for that sort of thing.
Well, if I blow a nose, I'm starting a fucking small hurricane somewhere, this thing.
You're always with this giant nose thing?
I have a big nose and I'm proud of it.
I don't think you have a big nose. I think it's proportionate to your face.
Then I also have a big face because I have a big nose. Can we see a side profile?
I've got a big face. I feel like I got a big head.
I saw a picture of me at like 14 and I was like, damn, that, that nose is my current nose at my then size.
Maybe it was big then.
Maybe it was big then, yeah, but.
You've grown into your nose.
I think so.
I feel like I have such a big face.
I don't think your face is that big.
It's getting smaller.
You know what? You're lucky. You're lucky you have a, like, your, your face goes, your profile goes back. The people whose face like open up like this? What?
People have triangular faces?
Like they're just like wide ass heads and faces?
Oh, wide faces?
Yeah, like, they suck. You don't.
You're, you're pretty good.
Sometimes I've seen pictures of myself. Oh, how many of us are in here?
I've seen pictures of myself from like, a year ago, and I'm like, "Look at my head."
I saw a picture of you from like, five years ago, and I was just like, "That hair, thank god he fixed it."
Bro, yeah.
Because, you look great now. You know, what you got working for you is...
Thanks.
But like, at the time, I was just like, huh.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, one of the unfortunate things about being white is that usually your hairline is in all that.
Yeah, and you age like spoiled milk.
I don't need to be reminded of that.
But, I was like, why would I be doing that hairstyle if it's like...
It's crazy because like, you're probably at your peak of good lookingness now.
Wow.
And then, you're only getting uglier from here. Every day, every day, you're getting uglier. And then, I'm probably gonna like, look my best when I'm in like, my like, late 40s. Mid to late 40s, early 50s. Hispanic, I, you know...
I feel like I'm offended by what you're saying.
You shouldn't be. I'm not saying that you're ugly. I'm saying you're gonna be ugly pretty quickly.
Right, and you'll be better looking for long.
We'll swap, we'll swap spots. I'm not ugly right now, but like, I'm only getting better looking with age.
Right, and I'm falling off a cliff.
I, falling off a cliff is dramatic. I would say, you're rapidly driving downhill.
So I'm driving off a cliff.
No, the cliff, there's no cliff. You're not like, here gone. It's like, you're just steadily getting uglier.
Getting worse.
Which is okay.
It feels like it isn't, but, like, but I will bring it up in therapy, I think, and we'll see what she thinks.
Oh no. Did I actually hurt your feelings?
Hand me an Academy Award if that real if I tricked you.
That was very good. That was quite impressive, honestly.
I could have got some tears going, probably.
You could have. You should have honestly rolled with it and told me yes, so I can lose sleep over it.
Can you fake cry?
I can, but I need like a full two minutes.
What I know.
I like try to make myself yawn, and I get it going.
Oh, you just said it. I.
You ever hear that thing that's like if you yawn and then someone else doesn't yawn at your yawn, then they're a.
A psychopath or something like that?
Yeah, like a serial killer.
People are trying so hard to find like serial killers now that it's just like they'll look at anything. It'll be like, well, if a dog doesn't like you, it means you're a murderer. And it's like, or it's just a dog that doesn't like you.
Yeah, dogs, they can sense evil.
Yeah, I've heard that.
My brother, because I was so afraid of tornadoes when I was younger.
A very, very, very obvious thing to be afraid of.
I was so scared of tornadoes.
Person growing up in New York City.
Yeah, so every time it rained or like a thunderstorm or it got like gray, I'd be like, oh, my God, tornadoes are coming.
And I'd always be looking at the clouds, thinking there was tornadoes.
Well, we grew up in the the age of Twister. That was one of the biggest movies from when we were kids.
That's exactly what did it. And I remember my brother was like, we had birds. Uh, Marty and Molly, they survived two years. But in those two years, I remember my brother used to be like, if the birds are going crazy and like that's when you should worry when because they can sense weather, like bad weather.
See, I've heard of that.
Yeah, but they're domesticated parakeets.
Yeah, but there is a certain evolutionary instinct that they don't miss.
I tell you what, the only thing that made those fucking birds squeak were food. Nothing else.
Well, they say if you look, sometimes you could tell like whether if you look at like certain trees and plants. So like, there are trees by where we live that they say that when it rains, they turn upside, the leaves turn upside down. And if you look, the tree will be green, like the leaves will be green. And then, because they're called, it's called a silver maple, is the type of tree because the under part of it kind of looks like whitish silvery.
Uh huh.
And sometimes when it rains, they turn a little bit. It's crazy, man.
Fascinating.
Aren't trees fucking wild?
Yeah, they're like alive.
But like also, they're just like.
Not.
What are they? And then they're just like, yo, we're gonna die for a couple of months.
Also, like, we breathe with you. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're cycling breath with you.
Circle of life, Elton John.
Like if you, I used to like, and when I found out that I was breathing. The shit like
Tree piss.
I mean, tree breath.
Like, I'm like, so if I'm in a jungle, is there just more oxygen and I'm like breathing really well?
That's a really good point. That's a really good point. But think about where there's no oxygen and there's no trees.
Space.
And?
Osh.
So yeah, maybe like if you go take a deep breath.
Like, there is oxygen in water, though. There's a lot.
But it's mixed with two hydrogen compounds.
That's why it's water. And I actually heard that it's, it's technically is, isn't it H2O2 is water?
I don't need to not know what water is.
I think, I think I saw something one time that it was just like, water isn't just H2O. Apparently it's like technically H2O2. Good chance I'm wrong.
Also, wouldn't make a dent in my life. What am I gonna do?
Wouldn't care.
Yeah, I'm still jumping in the pool.
Wouldn't care. So that's a good, we should do that as an experiment. Let's fly you to the Amazon.
Give you like 10 hours to just go take as many deep breaths in the middle of the jungle.
And then we test my, like.
And then just see if you get more air.
My pulse ox. Yeah, we'll find out my blood oxygen level.
Ant, Ant's got something.
It's saying H2O, hello, H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide.
You know, it'd be funny to turn this podcast into one of those Jubilee videos that every time we make a claim, there's like a fact check in the corner. Bing! It's like, no, that's wrong.
Just have a lower third, just say like, actually.
It pops up. It's like.
Yeah, that would not do.
That's not it.
It would be mostly that at the bottom of the screen.
Hydrogen peroxide, I put that in my ears sometimes.
They say, yeah, they say, yeah.
Yeah. Like when my ears get clogged, I throw it in there and it bubbles up.
Ooh, does it feel bubbly?
I don't love it.
Throw some champagne in that bitch, why not?
I know that the champagne, the champagne wouldn't do the same thing, but like if you're going for bubbles.
I'm not there for the bubbles.
I mean, it doesn't fucking like give you an ear infection, just putting liquid in your ears?
It's like, uh, no. I mean, I, I hope not. Well, I was told by, uh, an old Irish woman to do it.
So then it's gotta be real.
Yeah, it was my mom.
Or it's meant, or it's meant to like, exacerbate the fucking like Catholic Irish guilt that, you know, it's like,
Maybe.
They did it back in the day.
I threw it in there.
You ever get soap in the mouth?
No, my parents didn't do that.
I got it once.
Soaped you?
Yeah, because I said like fuck or pussy or cock or something.
Damn dude, you said pussy? I don't think I said pussy until I was like seventeen.
But like accidentally in front of our, bro, you definitely said pussy before.
Well, not pussy in the vagina sense.
You definitely did.
No way.
Joey.
Pussy?
Seventeen?
Uh, that may be an exaggeration, but, but in, but like sixteen.
Bro, I would call it like, you're a pussy, but I would never be like,
No, no, no.
Yo, that's a pussy I'm looking at.
No, you, but you would say, you would say,
Look at this lovely pussy.
You pussied way earlier than sixteen.
Way earlier.
No, I didn't.
Oh, oh, so you were a good Catholic boy?
It's not about being Catholic.
As everyone else around us was pussying and you were just like, not me.
No, I just, it's not about me being that. I just didn't, I just, I don't know why. I feel like I never used that word really.
I feel like, I can't wait until the technology comes out that we could talk to our, ourselves at twelve. And then just see how bullshit, cause I'm honest. I was a little piece of shit. Joey was like, ah, you'd go home and pray and mommy and daddy would help me clean my ears with hydrogen peroxide. And I was like, yo, me, D4L, dem franchise boys, pussy shit all day, you know?
I hope you guys know how flawed that is. It's insane. One, didn't pray. Two, cleaned my ears by myself. Two, what are you, this big cool guy?
Cause you're listening to fucking Shake That Laffy Taffy? No, no.
Dude, you were gaslighting girls.
Into thinking you were crying.
When you weren't.
Once.
With your away messages.
Once?
I, once.
All of your away messages.
No, the, the, the tear on the paper was once.
I guess I'll just walk until I can't walk anymore. Cause who care, no one even cares. That's the shit you would say.
I, oh Joey, let's not talk about away messages. Joey would just be like, damn, broken heart.
That's what Joey would do.
That's not true.
And he'd get flooded.
I would do that.
You'd get flooded.
What I would do, I would use lyrics, but I was never like you.
Oh!
Yo, I feel like no one even gives a shit.
You know what? We were two coins... What? We were two sides of the same coin, Joey. That's what we were.
I feel like no one even cares, really, honestly.
No, no, no. And then Joey would write a fucking like song lyric like, "We're are yet, I'm so sorry", with a broken heart. And people would just be like, "Oh my god, what's wrong with Joey?"
And Frank would change his away message to like, "My chest hurts from crying so hard."
Say shit like that?
No, you bullshitter.
Hurt my ankle, that's the last thing I need after all the pain I've been in my whole life?
We were two sides of the same coin. I was just probably a little more of a piece of shit about the way I was getting it, asking for attention.
A hug is nuttin'.
A hug is nut... No, that wasn't me. That was, that was somebody else. That was somebody else who made their...
A hug is nuttin', I went mo-din-dat.
The days of like... People are always just like, "Oh my god", like being passive aggressive started with Twitter. Bro, you forgot MySpace.
Your, your full name on MySpace sometimes is a paragraph. Someone that we know, I guess was dating this girl, seeing this girl, and then like they were leaving each other, and they hugged each other, and then went home, and then he changed his MySpace name to, "A hug is nuttin', I went mo-din-dat."
Mo-din-dat.
He wanted mo-din-dat.
He wanted mo... Who doesn't want mo-din-dat, though? Cause, let's be honest, a hug is nuttin'.
A hug is something.
It's, I agree, but like, what this person was clearly looking for...
They wanted mo.
They wanted mo-din-dat.
Then, dat being the hug.
Not dat.
You know, but more than, more, more than the hug. Dat referencing...
More than what he got.
What was your shit, "Shake that Laffy Taffy"?
That, one of them was "Shake that Laffy Taffy", one of them was, uh, do you remember, Josh? He's gonna be editing this, so he probably just like jumped out of his chair screaming it. Like, he was just like... One of them was, uh, when I like got together with like a girl that I had previously broken up with, and it was like, "Finally, sheesh."
Josh, like, I have, I don't remember the last time he brought it up, but for like years after that would always just say like, "Finally, sheesh."
Sheesh. Oh, sheesh, finally.
It's insane.
Yeah, what are you gonna do? We were, we were.
What children do.
We were.
We're kids.
And we did.
My mom got super pissed at me because one time I made my way message like, "Running around, running around the house naked, like, catch me if you can." My mom's like, "What the fuck is that?"
You see what I'm saying? Like, that's what yours were.
You know where I got that from?
Mine were just like, "Damn, like, heartbreak means something to me." And yours were just like, "I'm naked, eh." Like, "Oh, I'm showering, ooh." Like, "Oh my god, so sweaty after that basketball game where I scored 500 points, eh." Like, that's what he would do! And then I am the psycho. I was.
First of all, you, you make it seem, you're like, "Oh, man, my heart's so broken." It's like, one, your heart wasn't broken, you were lying.
No, I probably was heartbroken over...
For, for what? Four hours?
You know what I'm saying? Back then, heartbreak was so different than what it is now. Now we have the benefit of maturity and responsibility on our side.
The benefit of maturity.
We do. Back then, that four-hour heartbreak was the worst four hours of your entire life, Joey.
Got that right.
You're damn right.
Oh, man, uh, but we do have some sponsors, uh, to start to, to, to talk about here, okay? So, we can't have the show without stamps.com. Stamps.com, it brings all the amazing, uh, services of the post office right to your fingertips. All you have to do is go on their website, you can buy and print official US postage, uh, right there in your own home. You can do it in your underwear at 3 a.m. if you like. I don't know why you'd be doing that, it sounds kinda sus, but you could, if you wanted to, theoretically. Uh, but, go to stamps.com and, uh, you can save some time, okay? You don't have to drive to the post office, maybe wait in a line or something like that. It's convenient, so you can do that. Also, it's very useful for people who have e-commerce businesses and you're mailing stuff all the time. Stamps.com, uh, you also get, um, rates that you wouldn't get anywhere else, you can save some money as well,
like up to 88% off USPS and UPS rates. Massive, okay? So, big savings there and you're saving time, it's a no-brainer. Uh, so, sign up at stamps.com/basement for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts or anything like that. Just go to stamps.com/basement and, uh, yeah, you'll get that special offer. And this podcast is also sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is...
Online therapy, okay. It is customizable, so you can talk with a therapist at whatever frequency you like. You want to do it once a week or once every other week. You can do that, customize it the way that you want. And yeah, it's a fraction of the price of in-person therapy, which is probably the biggest deterrent, I would say. There was also like a study recently that like 26% of people felt like the thing that deterred them away from therapy was the fact that they'd be judged. But in my experience, as someone who's felt like that before and then turned to therapy, like, it's just not true. So if anyone out there is feeling like, "Oh, I don't want to be judged," or, you know, "Be uncomfortable," or whatever, like I'm telling you, it's going to be a very, a really good experience and you should, you know, definitely jump in. And if you want to, you can do so with BetterHelp.
Like I said, they're more affordable than in-person therapy, so you can save some money. And you can also save 10% off your first month when you go to betterhelp.com/basementyard, okay? That is B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash basementyard. So enjoy.
And you know what? If you're feeling crazy and you like just typing in URLs, going slash the basementyard, I got a good one for you. Patreon.com/thefacemanyard, alright? Go check it out! That's where we tell you guys to directly support us and we are so appreciative and thankful of you guys getting us to over 34,000 paid patrons. We appreciate it, we love it, and we want to keep giving you guys more of what you like. So if you sign up for that first tier, you get these weekly episodes, one week in advance. You get in on the jokes, conversation, all that fun stuff, seven days before everybody else. And then that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday, delivered directly to you, 7:00 AM like clockwork, baby. Bang, bang, bang, okay? So go to Patreon.com/thefacemanyard, sign up today and do yourself the favor.
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Keep the party going!
Oh, and also, sorry, I'm out of breath. As Joey said at the top of the show, we're adding a third Toronto show, okay? Which is gonna be on August 5th.
Yup.
So, go check that out. Also, if you're coming to any of the other shows, or if you're not coming to any of the shows, go check out. Tickets are still available in some cities. So, go to thebasementyard.com and you'll see the list of shows and then check out which one you might want to take a trip to, or it's in a city near you. Go check it out, okay? If you are coming to any of those shows, we do like a part of these shows to be interactive. We want to talk to you, about you, with you, all that fun stuff. So, go to thebasementyard.com/submit, S-U-B-M-I-T, in order to submit your responses to some of the prompts and questions that we have in there, okay? A lot of these places have been pretty crazy and wild and they've made some really fun, interactive experiences for everyone at the show. So, go check it out. Thebasementyard.com/submit.
You're not gonna feel bad about it, you're not gonna feel good about it, you're really just doing it, okay?
That's the ending part of that.
I have a question for you.
Go.
Have you seen this whole nonsense about airplanes now offering, well, next year offering standing seats on certain flights?
Yeah, I think I would do it if it was like-
Don't!
-a short flight.
A short flight is what?
Like, from here to Toronto. It's like an hour.
You'd stand for an hour on a flight?
I'd stand for an hour.
How can I ask? How does that not like, do you need to be seated for takeoff and landing? Because I know, like, they say, like, the fucking rules are you need to be here, you need to be, this needs to be closed and-
Yeah, you have to, yeah.
But like, so like, what do you do in that situation?
Fucking, I think you strap in like a, what's it called?
Like a roller coaster?
Kinda got me on board there now. I do love a good roller coaster.
Yeah, and like, you just chill.
So, what is, let's say-
The climb might be weird, though.
Very weird. That's why I'm wondering, like, are you gonna be sitting or standing?
I feel like I could stand right now on a plane and be like, I'm good.
What's the longest a flight would be for you to not do standing?
Or sure, I guess I should say sure, that was the worst way I could have asked that question.
Not long, um, I, I don't know, like, I, two and a half hours might be too long. So it would depend, it would, it would depend on the situation, so like, I, I'm a travel snob at this point in my life.
Really? I don't think, like, I mean, you would know better than I would.
Well, like, I, I, I don't, like, I, I like to spend on travel, like, if I'm gonna travel, I was like, okay, I wanna be as like, comfortable as possible.
That makes sense.
But like, if, if, a standing, but to a, to a certain degree, so like, that's why I'm saying like, a flight to Toronto, like, I'm not booking a first-class ticket to a flight for Toronto, like, you know what I mean, like, I'm not doing that.
Yes.
Like, that feels like a waste of money.
That makes sense. What is like, the, the rate, so like, let's say,
If it's like, under a hundred bucks.
Let's say main cabin is two hundred dollars.
Okay.
And then, standing is,
Like?
A hundred seventy-five. Is it worth the twenty-five?
Alright, it's on.
Oh, no, no, what's worth the twenty-five?
Is it worth the, only the twenty-five dollar difference?
Oh, oh, to do standing?
So it needs to be like, significantly cheaper?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if I'm gonna stand, bro, then like, if seats are two hundred, then standing room would be like, sixty bucks.
Wow, that's a lot cheaper, dude.
I mean, I'm fucking standing here.
That's a lot cheaper.
I don't know, like, clearly the people that are coming up with these designs have forgotten about the mid-two thousands and party buses, because, clearly the people have noppin' on a party bus.
You think we're gonna strap you in, though?
Bro, do you remember how chaotic party buses were? Everyone was holding on, and then would just, they would try to dance at a red light, and then it would move, and they were,
Yeah. I'd be all over the place.
You know, like, this shit is, like, that shit is dangerous.
Yeah, but, so you know what's funny? Like, a while ago, I saw a video of the CEO of Ryanair, which is like an affordable airline in, in Europe, talking about standing only. And then he had made, they were like, "How safe is that?" And he's like, "It's actually incredibly safe." And I don't know the reasons why, or the research. That's all I have to say. But if someone like that, who, Ryanair famously, zero plane crashes, their whole airline. Uh, but if that dude is saying like, "It is safe," I also believe that it's safe.
I just, I don't-
Like to stand there?
I just-
Landing would be weird.
First of all, Europe, brother. The longest flight that's there is what? An hour? Tops?
Unless they're coming here.
Uh, yeah, well then, I mean, if someone took, bro, and someone's gonna do this-
Or Africa. I mean, they have pretty big access to Africa right there.
Well, northern tip of Africa. I mean, the rest of Africa is ginormous.
Well, I'm saying, they could get flights that are like, four hours, five hours, and shit.
Bro, you would do a four or five hour flight standing only?
Nah, that's crazy.
I don't think, it, it, it's gonna, like, someone's gonna do it? Crazy to me.
What happens if you get tired? Like, can I just like, take a little seat?
So, when I saw the seats, they're like, they look like they're in like, the seating position.
Yeah, can you pull up a picture of them?
Like, they're in the seating position, and then the like, bottom falls out, and it, it's like a, it's more like a lean. Like a healthy lean, almost.
A healthy lean?
Like, it's not entirely like, on a bus, like, people stand and shit like that.
A lean seat?
Yeah, see, like-
Wait, is this Ryanair? Cause those are yellow.
I don't, I don't know.
Whatever, click on it.
I'm not sure, but these are designs, like, they're, they're kind of pseudo-standing?
First of all, that looks way harder than just standing.
Yeah, you're squatting. You're doing wall sits on this flight.
Yeah, what the fuck? I changed my answer to 45 seconds.
They're
That's standing?
This is what they're
That's not, I don't think, the one that I saw was like the one in the top left.
This is what they're considering.
The top left is the one that I saw.
That like, like the
And it like, it starts in like a seated position and then it opens up a little more.
It looks the same as these.
I would have to get in it.
You would have to strap me up.
I would need to be either
Through my crotch like a baby.
Like those old baby seats?
Yeah, like that.
I would need to be either completely standing or completely sitting. This whole like, half in, half out bullshit.
Yeah, come on.
Not gonna work for me, man.
I'm not doing this bent knee, oh, maybe they do that because I heard that like, if you're straight legged for an, uh, like an extended period of time.
You could pass out.
Yeah, like the, it's like your circulation is like
Yeah, I've heard, I've heard and, and like, I, I've not seen people do that, but like I've heard of people, firsthand accounts.
I read here that it says that they're pretty much not gonna be on flights over two hours. Like, it's designed for planes to go under two hours.
That's smart.
I would, I would consider, I would definitely do it for the story too, like, today I would do it.
Just to say you did it. You have to go and raw dog it.
Yeah, that's fine.
I think, hear me out. Whoa, I got an idea.
Turbulence like that is probably better.
I, I mean, no, because then you have no, like, at least when I'm seated, I feel like I can just be in my seat. Like, if I'm standing up, it's like I have nowhere to go but down.
Hey, that's the reality anyway, but
I know, but I mean like, in terms of standing, it could be double down, like I could fall and then be down. Um, what if?
Cause a lot of airlines, airlines, are you listening? Big plane.
They're looking for like the next evolution in like air travel and like making things more luxurious and shit like that. And I'm not talking like the ultra luxury brands, like
Oh, I was about to say something ultra luxurious.
Like, no, not like Virgin or, or Qatar, like airlines, that's, that's one, right?
Yeah, I would say Virgin is like, crazy.
Oh, I don't know, Emirates, I know is, is one. Like, they're, they're like, they're, they're mom and pop brands, although they're not mom and pop brands, Delta, United, JetBlue. Them.
They make it
Bless you.
What were you saying?
All that?
All that. Instead now, you can book like, seats at a bar on a plane. And like, that's your standing seat. But it's at a bar.
On a stool?
But, no, no, no, no.
Oh, the standing one.
The standing one is at a bar. It's like, you could sit at the bar on the flight.
That'd be fire.
And it's like...
I mean, if they have a bar on the plane, then you could just wait till it gets up there and then you can walk around.
No, fuck that, but your seat is at the bar. If you're a real alcoholic.
You know, and you're just like, so they have like, you know, like, like, let's use Delta as an example. They have Delta One. Okay, that's like, premium, you know, like, bang. Then they have like, Extra Plus, or whatever, or whatever it's called. And then they have like, Comfort, and then they have Main Cabin. Get rid of Extra Plus.
And just put a bar.
And the seats are just at the bar.
And like, there's a bartender on like, one of those like, you know how like, VR games, they, they like strap them in and they can like, turn and walk around and stuff like that?
Yep.
Put them in one of those, so they're safe.
It's not necessary.
So not safe? What are you saying?
They are safe.
Yeah. Right.
I, I trumped it there, I don't know why. And then they're just like, you're sitting at the bar for two hours for your flight.
I was thinking that, I can't believe they don't, you know, like, the ultra-rich people don't do this, where it's like, if you gotta fly to Australia, bro, just put me under. Wake me up when we get there.
I mean, people do that with like, they take like, allergy medicine and shit like that when they get on planes, don't they?
No, no, I'm saying like, anesthesia.
Oh, like, gas my room and then like, I'll fall asleep?
Bro, gas the cabin, put us all out, and then fucking wake us up.
I don't like that, because sometimes you need the passengers. Like, is there a doctor on board? We have an emergency.
No emergencies if everyone's taking a snooze.
Or, someone has a bad reaction to anesthesia.
That too. Does that happen?
You're the one that said you're afraid of that movie Awake.
I am. I've never been put under.
I've been put under.
I talk all this shit like that I would, but I would never do that. On a fucking plane, my like unconscious body.
What if it?
It ain't happening. Bro, one time, by the way, I've been doing this thing where I don't wear my seatbelt when we land.
Bro, I'm gonna tell you something.
Wear it.
You should wear it.
Because
I did it once and it was, I guess I just had a really good flight. I don't actually like do this all the time, but I did do it. The first time I did it by accident, the second time I did it on purpose. The first time I didn't realize that we were landing and we landed perfectly and I was like, why do they make you wear your seatbelt? Is that just like because of insurance or they have to so they could say? I like, it was some stupid shit that I was thinking.
This is the whole where like the approach where you take where it's just like, you don't need to check out at hotels. That's all a myth.
I don't check out at hotels. Do you check out at hotels? No, honestly. Frank, Frank like has to check out.
Yeah, because it's courtesy because these people need to know that I'm gone.
But I'm usually leaving at the time that I have to leave anyway.
Sometimes you may not.
But I'm still not checking out.
Crazy. But go ahead.
I just don't, but anyway, um. What was I even saying?
The whole like the when the plane lands and stuff like that.
Oh, so the second time that this happened, I was like, I'm not gonna wear my seatbelt. Like whatever. Last time I was chilling. I almost went under the fucking seat. Cause when you hit the ground and then they hit the brakes, bro.
Laws of motion, babe.
Almost fucking flew under.
Yeah, I mean, you think about it. You're going from when you're landing probably slower, 300 miles per hour to so like, yeah, your body's gonna keep moving. Same idea with a car crash.
Well, it's, it's, it's not until that they hit the brakes, like you're already on the floor and then they hit the brakes really hard. And then you're kind of like, like that, where I almost slid underneath the seat in front of me and I was like, never doing that again.
That's such a.
Bro, did I ever tell you the story about the old Asian dude who took my seatbelt?
Yeah, you did.
Did I tell you that?
Yeah, you have.
I was on a flight and there was this old Asian guy sitting next to me and I had a middle seat. So I was a little confused about where my seatbelt was because I couldn't find it. I found, I was like, okay, I have one of them. And then I look over, he's buckled in and he's holding mine, like he's bracing himself basically. So I was kind of like, this guy seems like he's nervous to fly. Like I'm not gonna like take his thing from him or whatever, but he held on to it. So I was just kind of like. Going up for the flight, it was crazy.
You gotta ask him and be like, "Hey, can I have it back, please?"
Yeah, I just figured the dude was like scared to fly or something because he was holding on to that. Clearly, he knew he took my belt. And he was just like, "No, I'm scared." Which I'm sympathetic to because I used to be very afraid of flying.
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Good for you.
And there was another time our girl came on my flight. I thought I was gonna have a free seat next to me. This is in Vegas going home. She got on the flight, her sandal was blown to shit. And she was sweating like crazy. And I was like, "Oh, she just ran for the plane." But then she sits down and she's fucking terrified of flying. And she's audibly, when the plane's just like driving on the roadway, like on the tarmac, she's just like not having a good time. We're climbing and she's freaking. "Oh, oh, no!" And I, this was already like, this was like one of my first kind of flights and shit like that. So I'm just like, "Yo, shut up." Like in my head, I'm saying like, "Yo, please stop you making this worse for me." But I couldn't say anything and she's going, "Woo!" Like that. And it's like, it's at night, it was a red eyebrow, I was up. I couldn't. It was terrifying.
Like, think about how much worse that makes it when someone else is going, "Oh, oh!"
Well, you know how I am. Anytime someone brings up like something happened on the flight, I'm like, "Shut up!"
Yeah. Frank just goes into a zone. He's like, "Turbulence? Not anymore."
In my head, it's, it doesn't exist anymore.
Yeah, you're like, "Nope, it's fine. I'm, I'm literally in a truck."
Yeah. Or, or, "I'm in Jell-O."
That's not what I say. That's what the internet says, which makes no sense, but... Ever been on one of those flights that has a full bar? Like you go walk up to it?
Never.
Like the very big airplanes?
No, never.
I think you can only do that if you're going like Abu Dhabi.
Let me guess, Big Dick McGee, you have?
No, I have not.
Oh, yeah. He's like, "Have you ever done it?" Have you ever done that? Well, guess who has? This guy with the 10-inch flaccid.
Yeah, no, I haven't. That would be lovely though. Or like, take a shower, which is kinda dumb, but... I mean, yeah, there are those flights that are like twenty hour flights and you can pay like thirty thousand dollars to have basically like a studio apartment on a plane. Which, if I, if I had that like money to just blow twenty thousand dollars... First of all, I don't think I'll ever be getting on a flight that's longer than five or six hours. But like... You have... Six hours to Europe. Oh. But you would. You've already been there. If you were a little further, it'd be seven hours. I don't, I don't, like, it's scary.
Then I like, then I live on there, you know? Then I like start to... Seven hours? Yeah, it's like, this is too long. Hawaii's long, but... I wouldn't do Hawaii. You refuse to get on a flight longer than six hours? I don't refuse, but the idea of it is something I would need to be coerced into. What is it about the time that's scary? It's just too long.
But what does that mean? I just don't like it. What do you mean it's time? Well, no, I get like turbulence and like, you know... You're just, oh, when you're, like, you're just in the air too long. Our bodies are not made to be there. To be in the air. We're supposed to like, every now and then, like touchdown, just like check in with the ground. Like, I could do like, it would suck, but if it was like twelve hour trip, and it was like broken up into like four three hour flights, or three, four hour flights, or two six hour flights, or six two hour flights. Enough.
I would do, I would do that. Okay. What about like, or eight one point five hour flights, you know? Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Imagine that? It's like, yeah, you can go, but there's eight layovers. I, I... So you would never go to like...
Amsterdam? Or like Sweden?
You didn't hear what I said.
Oh, if you had to break it up?
Yeah, I could break it up. But like these people that are just like, oh, I flew to Australia and it was a 12 hour flight and then another 12 hour flight and then another 10 hour flight. It's like, just don't go dude. Just, we're just not, maybe we're just not meant to go there. And that's okay. Like, accept it. Cool. We just don't need to do it.
I mean, the question, I guess. It begs the question. What are we meant to do?
That's a great question. I don't have an answer for it.
We were meant to live for so much more. Without no time.
I don't remember or know the lyrics.
Okay, so like Australia is out of the question. You're never?
Yeah, I have no-
We went to Japan. You want to go to Japan?
I would like to, but I would hope that they figure something out by the time I decide I want to go.
What, we're gonna get an Elon Musk rocket ship?
Well, they've said, they've said that they have discussed planes that could do like the trip from here to London in an hour and a half.
Terrifying, but-
Be blasting through the sky, dude.
It's something, right? Like, it's a choice. I'm not saying that like-
What does that cabin feel like? Or maybe it feels normal.
I, I feel like it'd be like when you're on one of those like, not roller coasters, but like, remember at the fair, they had those?
You stick to the wall?
Yeah, you stick to the wall and then you could like.
You know? I feel like it'd be that, which wouldn't be ideal, but, you know?
So if you were to go to Japan or like Australia or whatever, it would have to be like, alright, we're gonna stop in France?
I feel like there's no way to get to Australia that isn't at least a 15 hour flight.
Props.
Because like, unless it's legit like-
You're stopping everywhere.
10 flights, yeah.
You'd have to stop in like France and then like-
It'd be, it would be like, yeah, France, but even that's nine hours, right?
No, France is six hours.
Okay, so like, France and then like-
Somewhere else.
Somewhere else. Somewhere in between those two. But then like. Like Russia or some shit? Oh, you probably have to like, I don't even know. Russia, brother. Russia's just going fucking. Right away.
I forgot who, someone in my group chat asked us this, but like, I think it was Gio. How close do you think Russia is to the United States in miles? Like the closest points of those countries, how close are they? Well, there's that, that thing that, that connects Alaska and Russia and it's like a, a couple of miles. The Bering Strait. The Bering Strait. Yeah. Isn't that like six miles?
That was not the answer I gave, but yes, you're right. Oh. I didn't know, so I didn't know that was Russia. I'm smart. I told you guys. The answer is six miles. I'm saying the Bering Strait though, is like the thing that connects them. Yes, yes. It's, but it's under a hundred miles. I said like four thousand miles. No, yeah, it's, it's very close. The joke. I had no idea. Sarah Palin said, she was like, I could see Russia from my house.
You know? Damn, do you sound just like her. What is it? What is the actual mileage? Did you look it up? I thought, I thought he knew. I think it's like forty something.
I only know that because of the risk board. I know Alaska and the thing on the other side is connected.
What an insanely loser-ish answer. I know because of the risk board? Goodness gracious.
You know, no, we don't judge where people get their facts.
I, you know what? You're right. Okay.
Two point five miles.
Two?
Pretty close, yeah.
Wait, what did you look up?
The closest point the US and Russia are separated by.
Two miles? That's crazy. I thought the answer was like forty or something. That's so sick. Anyway, uh, we do have some, uh, more sponsors. Uh, we have a new one here today and that's Square, okay? Square is your all-in-one business partner, making your day-to-day easier. Okay? So it's like a POS system, a point-of-sale system. Uh, you know, you, you can use it for payments, inventory, customer tools, uh, brings everything together in one simple platform. Okay? And Square is what we use when we go on tour and we're selling merch. That's what we use. There's like a little, uh, machine and then, you know, you pay for it and blah, blah, blah. It's got everything. It's got your inventory, got the, you know, the, um, sales and everything you could pay with it. So it's great. And whether you're running a cafe, a salon, a boutique, or you know, you're selling merch at a show or something like that.
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What were we just talking about?
Whatever you want.
I forgot what you were saying.
He, he had to move us away from the fact that he gets most of his world knowledge from Risk.
Forgot about that.
Is there any, like, worse, like, I love board games, but like, in terms of like, the worst board game, is there anything worse than Risk?
Monopoly.
No way. Monopoly's so fun.
Monopoly's so.
Monopoly's incredible. You're also naming very popular, but there's some bad. I know they're popular, I'm not saying that they're not popular, but like, you know who else was popular? Hitler. How do you feel about that, Ant?
Hard H, getting demonetized there, alright.
Who, the worst board game name?
There's some bad ones, like, there's a board game called Diplomacy, very bad board game.
What is that like?
I imagine it's just like a UN meeting that you need to like-
Kind of, there's some bad board games. Catan's good though.
What's the, oh-
You guys love Catan, he loves Catan. I've yet to play Catan.
I'll tell you what, I played at his house the other day, they've all, they've all been playing by the wrong rules for about fourteen years.
First of all, the first time I played that game was like, three years ago. Second of all,
that wasn't the other day, that was like, last year.
Was it?
It was not, it was not twenty twenty-five. Um, and I was blacked out on wine, so, that's-
I think what makes Monopoly fun is like, you can kinda like, your inner Tony Soprano could come out, you know what I'm saying? Like, you could just be like, lish it up, you can make deals under the table, you can strong-arm people into certain things.
Steal money from the bank.
I never, you know, I understand why that's a thing, people do that. I, I like to win legit, you know? We know that the, the cream of the crop in board games is Cranium. Duh.
I like Cranium, I like Trivial Pursuit.
Trivial Pursuit's too smart for me.
It depends what-
Like, it asks about like, Anne of Green Gables and shit like that, and like, I don't need it.
You need an updated one, you can't be like, oh, this nineteen seventies cartoon, I'm like, alright, bro, what is this?
Yeah, there was one actually, there's a, it, it, it made the rounds a couple of years ago. It was a Trivial Pursuit card, and it was like, the entertainment question on the, the card. And it was like, which of these actors has never played Batman? And at the time, it was accurate, and the choices were Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, Adam West, and Ben Affleck. And then it was like, oh shit, well,
Someone has played Batman since then.
Damn.
I just, Risk, like, my, my father-in-law-
I've never played Risk.
He keeps trying to get me to play it, and I hear it's fun, but like, it just seems like, such a chore.
Is it like armies, and you gotta place them?
My, my mom's side of the family used to play when they were younger, every week, and it's, it could ruin families.
Every week?
Oh, dude, parcheesi?
Bro, wait, hold up. Are we skipping over the fact that your family would play Risk every week?
That's cute, that's a good family thing.
They got, they got together, I wasn't around yet, it was a while ago, and it would-
Risk every week is bananas.
I think, I think it's a very common thing that families do like, board game night every week.
We, we used to do that growing up.
Okay, so, I mean-
I'm saying Risk every week is insane.
Yeah, that might be a little much.
We used to play a lot of Scrabble.
Ugh. I hate
Really? You don't like Scrabble?
I really dislike smart board games.
Why?
Because I don't wanna be smart when I'm having fun.
Cranium and there's trivia.
I know, but it's just like fun trivia. Like, you need to be smart for Scrabble. You need to have like, knowledge outside of just general nonsense knowledge.
It's, it's words.
I know, but like, certain words, like, people get too into it. And I don't like that.
I don't like when people start doing the, the two-letter words. It's like, oh, QI. Triple letter. And I'm like, fuck you.
Yeah, I just, I feel like Risk is one of those that I'm just not a big, a big fan of. But, sorry, trouble.
Sorry's underrated. Trouble's underrated.
You know what I recently played, and it's a lot of fun? Do you remember Perfection?
Oh, were you taking the pieces out of the?
No, you need to put them in the thing.
And it's like, it's popping up, or like, the timer's going, and then it pops up at the end.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That shit is fun as hell.
Oh, I was thinking Operation.
Oh, yeah. Operation's fine.
Similar game, but...
It's okay.
It would just like be a, huh.
Oh, it would, it would, it would huh.
Yeah, that shit was intense.
What's the one, ooh, you know what I loved? I've never played an actual round of this. But I just liked fucking with it. Mousetrap.
We have mousetrap, the pieces might be destroyed somewhere, but it's okay.
Yo, I love videos of like, anything that's like, dominoes, but it goes on for like, ten minutes. Or, it's like, a marble that like, lands in this thing, and the thing spins and drops it in here.
What are those called?
I love that.
Rube Goldberg. Rube Goldberg are what those are called.
Rube Goldberg?
Yeah. They're like, it'll be like, to make coffee, and it like, starts with a marble and all that shit.
It's so cool. I saw one where a guy had a whole machine to like, help him get into bed, and it like, brushed his teeth and like, made his bed. I was like, this is so fun.
Yeah, that's a little too much. It always reminds me of that scene in Casper.
Yes!
Oh, I love Casper, but they, I'm okay with Rube Goldbergs. They're cool, but like, setting them up is such, I imagine, a chore.
Oh, I don't wanna do that. I just wanna like, watch them.
You just wanna see them already done.
I love when people do the dominoes, and it's like, a big domino thing of like, Mario riding Luigi. And it just like, in one. You've never seen that?
Mario riding Luigi.
I meant Yoshi.
You know what, I'm sure in the right parts of the internet, that one exists too.
You know what I love when Domino's reveal a picture of two brothers fucking each other?
Two cartoon brothers?
Haven't had it. Alright, I'm miss-
Going crazy on each other.
I misspoke, uh, forgive me. Um, before we started recording, Ant asked a question.
It was a really good one, that I, I don't particularly know if I have any more answers to, but the question was, if you could have a billion dollars, but you could only buy things with, that start with the letter that your name starts with. So you can only buy things starting in J.
F, A.
Jungle juice.
Oh, oh, why would you buy that?
My, my snap answer was jewelry.
Jewelry, but that's a good one. I said fruit.
Yeah, but you could buy that now.
I know.
A billion dollars, how much fruit you buying?
A lot of fruit.
I could buy...
There's expensive fruit too, those like Japanese melons and shit like that.
Jellyfish!
Why would you buy jellyfish?
I don't know.
But he can. He can.
I can get one for my fish tank.
You could buy a jet.
A jet?
Oh, you can buy a jet.
That's great!
And I could buy an F1 car, or an F1 racing team. Ooh!
I think they're gonna say like an F-150, I'd be like, alright, bro, come on.
Yeah, no, I'm not, I-
A, a, a good truck, I guess, but I don't-
I guess, but not, not for me.
Not for a billionaire.
You know, I'm not a- An F1 racing team, that's not bad, right?
That would be awesome.
Would a billion dollars get me-
That's a good question, I don't know.
Any part of it, cause it's owned by like Ferrari, and then like-
I'm sure you would.
You know, who else owns them? Ferrari.
Someone else. I know so mu- you know what it is, I know so much about F1.
Ferrari, Red Bull, Aston Martin, Williams. What else you got?
Uh, I know so much about F1, that it's hard for me to keep up with.
It's tough.
Well, I mean-
Audis become, or Cadillac.
Well Cadillac is like slowly trying to get themselves in.
You know, but, you know.
Uh, what else? Ant, Ant said he'd buy an airplane. He also said an air hangar. Well, I would need that for my airplane, obviously. That's fair. Honestly, he's kinda right. What can I get? What else can I? You could just buy- Jungle cat! I could buy a jungle cat! But like- But what are you gonna put them in? What am I gonna put them in? Yeah. A cage? Can't buy a cage. Hmm. Oh, it's like, everything? Everything. Everything, babe! How do I survive? I can only eat j- jelly beans? Jambalaya! Jambalaya! That'd be great! Nevermind, I'm chillin'. Jalapenos? Jalapenos in your jambalaya! Those are delicious! Oh, I didn't even think of things with silent Jays! Yeah! Jalapenos? Yep. Others? Go ahead. Jal- uh, uh, uh- Jambalaya, Jolly Fruits. Jolly Bee?
Jolly Bees. Um- Japanese food? Japanese! Oh, you're chillin', brother. You're chillin'. Can I buy j- I could buy Finnish food, which is probably like, fermented shark or something. Probs. Uh, I could buy- Frankfurter? Frankfurter! I'm living on hot dogs, baby! Hell yeah! I'm dead in a month. Yep. If I only eat hot dogs and fruit. Uh, me, jambalaya and jelly beans, I'll meet you there. I mean, Japanese food. They got some stuff in there. That's true, yeah. Uh, F. Uh, I can, I can have a steak in Frankfur- French fries! French fries. I can have a steak in Frankfurt, Germany.
That's not how that works. I think you can buy part of a city, can't you? For a billion? Bro, I thought you meant a steak that you would eat. Oh, no, no, no. I was like, you can't eat steak? No, like, I can own a piece of Frankfurt, Germany.
What's J? I mean, fried foods I could eat. I'm gonna be dead very quickly. Nothing that I could like, you could buy like jogging equipment. A Jeep? Shoes? A jet ski? A jet ski?
Jogging equipment? I mean- Shoes? Sneakers? Yeah! I mean, any, or like nipple, like, you guys love getting your nipples fucked up, taped up, right? I have two shirts that don't make my nipples hurt. Okay, so you could buy jogging equipment, shirts fall into that. I could buy. Jersey mikes. Oh. Not the worst sandwiches in the world. No, I honestly, I had them once and I was like, alright. This is what Subway should be, minus a lot of stuff that Subway is, you know? Yeah. What about, uh, um, jumping jacks? Jump rope? Uh, Jack in the Boxes? Mmm, jump rope.
Oh, I'm sorry. Apartment building for myself, I'm buying that by the way. Buying an apartment building? Can't get a house though. I can't get a house. Well, you could buy like a. You could buy apples. You could buy. Anal beads? Bro, you could buy, you could buy Steak and Apple. That's a good one. That's a good one. Apple, yeah. You could buy an, uh, an, you could buy a ton of AirPods. Back to Apple.
Apple iPhone? Apple laptop? Anus?
Yes, technically. I don't know. Oh, Frankie Factory, buy Factory. I could buy a factory that makes what though? Nothing. Frankfurters. You know, I could buy. Fort. I could buy a fort, that's where I'll live. In the fort? I'll live in a fort. Where am I gonna live? Fort, like, you could buy like Fort, like Netflix just bought Fort Monmouth, I could buy Fort anything. What if I bought a, uh, uh, jum, jar? You can buy several copies. Jennifer Lopez? No. Well. Jennifer Aniston? Again, I don't think the person was the issue, I think maybe the purchasing humans was. Uh, you could buy several copies of the 1997 classic Jingle All the Way. Right.
I could buy any movie that starts in F, you know? Fast and the Furious, I hate those movies, but like. Enjoy buddy! I could own it. Yeah. Uh, I could buy. Ginger. Um.
Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks lifelike statue. Yeah, see how much that gets ya.
Oh no, you'll only dip into your billion dollars and you'll have nine mil- nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars left. Everyone better that I made that joke? Yeah. I feel like after the second round of ninety-nine. I would buy fire. Fire? Fireplace. Fireplace. Firewood. For my fort. Firewood. Fire starters. You could buy a firefighter. A firestone tire. A fire department. I could buy a fire department. For what reason? Just in case. I could buy firefighters. I could buy your dad. He's not a firefighter anymore. He was, once, once and always, brother. It's a brotherhood. It is. And it's for life.
You can have a jacuzzi.
Ooh, a jacuzzi, a jet ski and a jet, but nowhere to live. Nowhere to live. I mean, you could live in like a jungle house. Okay. You can live in a, oh, a, a, a. Yeah. You could buy Janko jeans. Joey's could buy Janko jeans. Jenga. You could buy a lot of Jenga. Uh, I could buy. Where, this is.
Fucked up piece of shit.
I could buy film studios. Oh, again.
Why not? Billion dollar, I don't know, aren't they like? I mean, you could probably buy a stake in them. Yeah. More steak. That's all I got. I mean, I, I think J is a bad name, a bad letter, so. J is a good one. A is a really good one, too. I feel like. Jewelry, and then I could pawn that. But then I would have more money that I can't buy stuff with. I could buy, I could buy fancy stu- if I just put fancy in front of it, can I buy it? It's like, oh, that's a fancy car. Oh, that's a fancy house. No.
If you could do that, then I could do, can I buy a house, a water bottle?
But A is, fancy is an adjective. A is just. And then I could do like, uh, I don't, can't do that. No, you can't. I could get a ju- I could. A jo- a jo- Just, just a house. Just a house. Just a. Just do whatever I want. Ooh, if your name is Walter, can you get whatever I want? I mean, if we're avoiding just a house.
That's true.
Um, but I got nothing. Walter. That's the name you went with. Uh, name another W name. Whitney. Male.
William.
William, yeah.
Sorry.
One more.
Uh, walrus.
Walrus, this is my son Walrus? If I had a child and I named him Walrus,
what would you say?
I would-
To my face?
Well, how did you land on Walrus? Alright, do we do another, like, turn in the Santa Gato Studios acting, acting course?
We'll do an acting thing.
Alright, I named my kid something insane-
Alright.
And then you're just-
What's your name? Give me backstory.
Oh, we're just acting now, okay?
Yeah, yeah, ready?
Oh, my god!
First of all-
He, she, they, them, what are we going with pronouns for this baby?
It's a boy Walrus, Frank, it's my baby. So I'm telling, I'm telling you, I'm, I'm coming in-
Oh, I'm not meeting the baby?
I'm coming into the scene, I have the baby.
You have the baby with you, okay.
It's not a walrus, right? No, it's a baby named Walrus.
Gotcha, alright, I'm in. Alright.
Okay, and this is, you're in the hospital, okay, so I'm coming out, I'm like-
Why are you coming out of the hospital?
I'm coming out of the, the room, with the baby.
Okay, so you're meeting me in the hallway, you didn't even invite me into the room?
Yes, my wife's in there, she's fucking opened up, she's, she's, you know, give her some space, for god's sakes.
Oh, so this is immediately after-
So in this situation-
This is immediately after the Caesarian-
You go from taking your child out-
No, it was naturally born.
Oh, well you said opened up?
I mean, like, her shit was opened by a baby.
Okay, I mean, they recover-
Yeah, I know.
But I'm saying, like, she's, she's still, she's just open-
She doesn't want you visitors, I respect that, okay, that's fine, no problem.
So I'm walking out with this very fresh baby.
You know?
But he's been, he's been hosed off. And, and, uh-
Hosed off?
He's been hosed off, and the, you know, he's, he's good, you know?
So I, now I'm coming outside.
Alright, you're coming out of the room, are you opening the doors, is it a sliding, automatic?
Meat?
Oh my god!
Walrus.
Wow!
We named him Walrus Santa Gato.
Hold the hat.
Oh my god, he is, how's everyone doing?
She's, she's doing
Doing okay? You know, oh my god, he's incredible. Can I hold him?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh my god.
You're already, yeah.
Uh, where'd you get the name from?
We, like, it's her favorite animal. It's her favorite animal and like, I don't know, I just think like the name Walrus just kinda like sounds cool, we're gonna call him Wally.
Yeah. You don't like it?
I, I, no, listen, man, it doesn't matter what, I, I'm gonna love this bundle of joy no matter what his name is.
Right, but what do you think of the name?
I, I think it's a choice. I support it though. So cool, Wally? Wally West? The Flash? And walruses are cool animals.
Why'd you say it's a choice?
Well, it's, it is, it is by definition. No, I do, I think it's so cool.
Can I have my baby back?
I think, hold on.
Give my, give me my baby, I just, I just had the baby.
Hold on, hold on, give me my fucking baby. Security!
Give my fucking baby now, Frank.
He's yelling at me, this is not his baby.
Frank.
Give me my baby, you son of a bitch! We're gonna be okay, we won't name you Walrus. That's a newborn! We won't name you Walrus anymore! Hand scene.
Incredible acting.
I would rescue your child named Walrus.
The way you were running and slamming a newborn in your... Unbelievable, uh, not naming my child Walrus, so there's that, but...
Let me ask, serious question.
How much money would it take to give me the naming rights to your firstborn child?
There's not an amount of money.
Oh, so like, for free?
The other way.
So like, you'll pay me?
No, I feel like you're ignoring the obvious one that I'm saying, which is, there isn't enough, an amount.
You don't trust me to name your child?
I don't want you to name my child.
It's not about wanting.
It's not about trust.
It is trust.
It isn't trust.
Do you think I would name him something, or her?
Oh my god, I said him first, though. Do you think-
I got pregnant!
Do you think-
I would pick a good name.
It's not about that.
I'm asking that, though.
Do I think you would pick a good name?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, your kids have good names.
Thank you.
Would you let him do the middle name?
Hmm.
Would you let me do...
That was more intense than the first name.
And, yeah, why is the middle name more important?
Because it's like, that, like, that changes something, like, it's naming a child.
Hmm, got it.
Joey's gonna go the most...
That's the overall reason why.
It's gonna be the most, like, traditional white names for children, like, it'll be like, you know, like, Maria Angelina, and like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Joseph William, uh, uh, he's looking at me, isn't he?
He is looking at you. You're talking about my unborn children, uh, in a disrespectful way.
No!
And I told you that your kids have great names.
My kids do have great names, and I appreciate that, I'm just, I need to protect.
Protect what?
Your kids from you.
Can I just see him?
You have him, apparently?
Oh, that's right.
Stop running. Um, anyway, I think that's all we have for today.
But, guys, don't forget, uh, like we said, we are adding a third show in Toronto on August 5th. Tickets go on sale at noon, June 2nd, which should be today, if you're watching it on YouTube on the day this comes out, June 2nd, uh, thebasemeyard.com. Tickets go on sale at noon, uh,
August 5th, we'll see you there in Toronto, and also, uh, you know, there's tickets to other shows that are available as well, go to thebasemeyard.com, get your tickets there, fill out the forms, um, so that we can, you know, interact with you guys during the show, uh, you know, thebasemeyard.com/submit to do any of that, and, uh, yeah.
We're gonna find you.
With your baby somewhere.
Yeah, apparently.
I have your child Walrus with me.
Cool. Try to get Frank to act out a scene where I have a weird name of a baby, and then he's kidnapped it. I don't know how we got there.
I mean, things happen, things absolutely happen, but you know where to find me, FAlvers885 on Twitter, X, whatever, uh, TheFrankAlvers everywhere else, and then The Basement Yard, patreon.com/thebasementyard, go see the shows, go bing bang boom, bing bing bang boom it. Walrus and I are gonna start a new life in my purchased property in Frankfurt, Germany.
Enjoy that.
I hear it's actually kinda nice, Frankfurt, Germany. Alright, uh, yeah, so... You're just letting me leave with your kid? That's all. We'll see you guys next time. I have a jet and I'm coming over with a jungle cat and a jet ski and then kill you. I mean, the jungle cat won't be able to differentiate me from the baby. It'll probably eat the baby first because that's quicker. We'll see you guys next time.
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