The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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15,625 words · 4 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. I'm here with Frank.
What you sucking on over there Frank? What you slurping on Frank? Cause you're slurping over there.
It's tea baby. You know how I be. Big tea boy. Is that, that means something.
Trans.
Oh. Well, I'm not. I'm not. Sport. Love it, but not me personally.
He's a big tea boy. He's just a big tea boy.
It's alright. It's okay.
That's out of the bag, tea boy.
T E A. T E A.
I got you.
T E, T E A.
We knew what you meant.
Careful, some people might not.
It's true.
But I don't wanna, you know.
It is what it is. We're gonna skip over that, just be, just dance around it Frank.
How you doing?
I'm doing well.
Can I ask you a question?
You're looking up and down, go ahead, say something, judge me.
How much was that shirt?
I don't know.
Was it too much?
Yeah.
What's the most you've paid for a t-shirt?
A t-shirt?
A t-shirt, cause they sell like-
I mean, we know the polo, the Gucci polo.
We know about Gucci polo.
Which I donated.
Yes, which is crazy.
What was I gonna do with it? Hand it down?
No, I get it, but like, I don't, I don't know.
Yeah, it's dumb.
I don't know. I mean, you know how I feel. I, I, I save a lot of, I donate a lot of clothes, and I save a lot for my kids.
Right.
So, some of the shirts that are like nicer, like shirts like this-
He saves them for their kids, so he can, they can get them one day and then donate them.
It's funny, because most of the stuff that I have for my kids is like graphic tees.
Because that stuff always comes back around. You know what I'm saying? Like, and think about it, graphic tees in the 90s are like big now.
Are they?
Yeah, there's a whole, like, companies, like Culture Kings and people that like sell-
Yeah, but they're selling to like us. They're not selling-
Like vintage. Yeah, I mean, us is like the people, we were a kid at that point in time.
That's like us wearing like a Cheers shirt or something, you know what I mean?
Bro, that's a big market, like vintage clothing and stuff like that. Bro, I ever tell you I looked up, so, those of you guys that may not know this, Young Jeezy. The rapper.
Hey.
Crazy that you did the accent.
Accent.
You dressed up like him for Halloween one year, right? Um, so.
I did not dress up like Young Jeezy, but you however, had the same closet as him.
Yeah, so apparently, I had a shirt from him that was a big, it was an all-black shirt and it had a, like a glitter printed on snowman and it said, "I got that snowman." Hindsight, I now understand it was referencing.
Cocaine.
And I will go as far to say that Frank, we knew.
I might have.
We knew that it was cocaine.
I probably knew, but like.
You back then thought cocaine and selling drugs was so cool, not cool for you to do.
No, no, no.
But it was like, yeah, sick.
Well, because I was.
I'm a big pimp.
Uh, because.
You know what I mean? You're like, "I'm a big pimp who slangs cocaine."
Yeah, that's fair.
And then your mom was like.
I mean, no, not fair. I'm not, I was not.
I mean, that's this, I mean, to.
I probably, here's probably what happened.
Stop 101.
I like, it's a great show. I like Young Jeezy the rapper.
I went and bought the shirt from the place that I went and bought my graphic, like, you know, large tees. You know? And then after I learned that it was, it was probably that I, and like then learned it was about cocaine.
That.
I then wore it even more frequently to feel cooler.
Why are we talking about Young Jeezy?
Because I went to look up, I had that shirt and I went to go look up to buy it and it's expensive now. It was like 200 bucks for like an XL shirt.
$200?
Yeah, dude.
For an "I got that snow"?
"I got that snowman" shirt, but like.
You bought it?
No, I didn't.
Oh, crazy.
No, I didn't buy it.
Frank, if you walked in here with that t-shirt, I would explode from excitement.
I can't, as an adult father, wear a shirt about doing coke.
First of all, your kids will not know what it means.
But they will eventually and be like, Daddy, what is that?
No one's asking you to wear it to the family barbecue.
They're asking me to wear it on the internet where it will be forever. I'd rather wear it to the family barbecue.
Also, you're like, I can't be a dad doing... I saw this morning, I open up TikTok, there's a picture of you playing with fucking whatever those are.
What do you think you want your kids seeing you do more often? Playing with toys or referencing cocaine on a shirt? Come on!
Well, first of all, I'm not asking you to snort cocaine.
I once went to a family gathering, the person shall remain nameless, and someone, not ironically, like seriously, because they thought it was a sick shirt, showed up wearing a shirt that was like, it said like strippers and cocaine or something like that.
That's it?
Was it an ampersand?
I don't know. Apparently it's like a brand or something. Maybe, maybe I'm...
The brand is strippers and cocaine?
I don't know if it's strippers and cocaine, like specifically. It might be like hookers and cocaine. Just...
Right, yeah, I got it.
Any variation of...
A lady of the night?
Yeah, and...
And drugs.
And drugs in powder form.
Just, you know, you could put them together however you choose.
But, yeah dude, so my kids are gonna inherit shirts that might be worth like three, four hundred dollars in a couple of years.
Frank, they're not going to sell them.
I know! They'll hold on to them.
And then what?
They gain more value.
But you're not gonna sell it?
I'm gonna give it to my kids.
I'm aware of that, but are they gonna sell it?
No.
Exactly, so what does the value matter?
Like, how are you not asking yourself that question?
I just want my kids to open up and I'll be like, you know, I'm like a 55-year-old man, and I'm just like, these are shirts from when I was 18. Here, these are for you, and they go, whoa!
Yeah, it's gonna go exactly like that.
Is that a Daredevil logo? It is, yes, correct.
You're like, no way, Frosted Flakes shirt? That's so sick! And you're like, careful, I bought that for 25 dollars? That's 28 dollars now.
That's what you're gonna say. Hey, careful with that Spider-Man tee. It's vintage. It's a collector's item now.
What have you saved for your potential children one day?
Nothing.
Nothing but money, which is hindsight a good idea.
Now that I said it.
Nothing but money. Uh, no, you know, I don't have that yet. Where I have like a sentimental attachment to like material things or like items or something. Like I, I, I, I understand it. Um, I'm sure, and I know that there will be times in my life where I will have sentimental stuff that I probably keep, but I don't know. It, it's hard to imagine. Like now I'm getting, I feel like closer to the idea of like, okay, I get it, but like five years ago even, I was like, I, I don't, there's nothing in my life. Whenever someone would ask you like, what's, what's the first thing you would grab? Or like, what's the three things that you would grab if there was a fire in your apartment?
My mind would just go to like, what's the most expensive stuff? So it's easy to replace. It was never like, oh, there's this something that's real important to me, like a pen or some shit.
Crazy, crazy. I've been collecting things meaningful to me my whole life.
I know.
I guess you're just, you don't care about stuff.
That, I mean, I wouldn't say that. I just think that you.
I think the, the obvious answer is the most important thing you would grab is Charlie.
Oh, we're not counting humans and pets.
I like how you started with humans. I thought you were gonna go, we're not counting people. I was gonna say, then that dog dies.
I just, I, I think like there's something like, I always look at like, even like some like old shoes that I have. I'll be like, wow, this will be cool. Like seeing my kids like run around in them one day. It's been like, that was daddy's.
But do you think they will do that?
I think with certain stuff they will, like, uh, obviously.
Your old shoes?
Yeah, like shoes and socks and stuff. Like I think they will.
Socks? You're gonna give your kids your old socks? Frank, they're not gonna wear those.
I, I mean, maybe that's.
Here's my socks.
No, it's not like ones that I currently wear. It's like socks that I had previously worn that I saved for them.
Yeah, no, that's what I'm talking about too. That you have old socks.
Like I don't wear them all the time now. They're, and they're in storage.
Frank, they could be in the Smithsonian, protected. It wouldn't matter. Old socks that you wore. What is your, what is your attachment to these socks?
Some of them just have a story to them, like when I got them, what they are.
Is there, is there one that like stands out? Like here's a story about these pair of socks that I can't wait to pass on?
Not at the moment, but I'm hoping that something will come to me before. And like, if I see them, you know how they say like, you need to feel the energy of something when you hold it and it's just like, oh.
Like when you, you, like you know what you're gonna name your baby and then you hold it and you're like, oh.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.
But you feel that way about your old socks?
Well, yeah.
I, back, just so you're in agreement, Becca also feels that I shouldn't have a bin full of socks saved for our kids.
Bin?
How many pairs of socks? How many pairs of socks are just like in your house that are yours?
Mine, uh, at least two hundred.
Two hundred?
I would say.
For yourself? Frank, do you have a sock drawer?
Yep.
Is it just socks in there?
Do you have a sock drawer with just socks? Socks and underwear. Yeah.
Oh, I have an underwear drawer and then, so it's mine is-
Hold on. How many pairs of, let me ask you, how many pairs of underwear do you currently have in rotation?
Maybe like thirty or forty.
Thirty or forty?
Is that too much?
How many do you have? Thirteen? That's a normal answer. I was gonna say anywhere from thirteen to like twenty. And I only really get to like nine of them.
Oh, alright.
Forty? You have forty pairs of underwear? I get why women have-
Between like what I have and then what's in storage.
Women have an unbelievable amount of underwear, but like-
It's, it's in their ass, bro. It's in their ass. Like you need a lot because you, those things are like-
But they're cool and colorful and it's like this one's lace.
Oh, shut up bitch. I got some cool and colorful, I'm sorry, I bitched again. I got some cool and colorful underwear too.
I get that, but it's less of an accessory for men, in my opinion.
Uh, that is true. That is true.
Like they've got matching sets and like that looks nice. We don't have matching sets.
Well, because, yeah, there's no, there's no, uh, fucking-
We don't have a bra. It sucks.
Yeah, well, like what are we gonna, like, there's no, what's it called? Uh, like, you get a Victoria's Secret, what's it called again? The word is escaping me.
Penis?
Nope, that's not what you get there.
Lingerie?
There's no men's lingerie, you know what I mean? Like, that's a big industry, so that's why women have like cooler like underwears and stuff. I, I, I mean, I don't, I guess now that you guys are saying it-
Forty pairs of underwears, wow.
I would say maybe thirty.
That's so crazy, but also like-
But I never run out. So like, I never, I'm never like, "Oh my god."
I don't run out.
I mean, you must, if you only wear nine. Oh, you only have, I'm sorry, you, you, I thought you were saying you only have nine.
I have a, I have like, a top five, that if they're clean, I'll go out of my way to wear those. So like, if they're not clean though, then I go to the other ones, but then I'll do laundry.
Yeah, I just-
But like, do you, do you wear forty, or thirty, rather?
Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I'm a little late on-
Always flipping them around?
I'm wearing, you know, one per day, and I do laundry-
Didn't you switch to like, tighty whities too?
No, see, this is why you have to be careful of what you say. I, I have not switched to tighty whities. I accidentally bought underwear-
But you wore them.
Yeah, they're, they're very comfortable.
And they're not white.
And they were gray.
And, and I have a gray and a blue.
A gray's crazy.
Gray and blue!
Blue's fine.
Why is gray crazy?
I don't know, it's... Could leave evidence.
Of what?
Crap? Is that what you're worried about?
Anything, I mean, it's a-
Can I ask you a serious question?
You've got two holes with stuff-
Well, you think I'm just like, leaking piss out of my pee pee?
Frank, you're a human, you're a human being, okay? Everyone's penis has deceived them one day, okay?
Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair.
I did it yesterday.
Yes.
And I know this might be a little gross for some people. Legit.
When's the last time you had a skid mark in any form of underwear you've worn?
In the last three hundred and sixty-five days.
That's disgusting!
That's gross!
But, it's not every day, like, it's not like-
It's still gross, control your butthole, dude.
It's, I know. I mean, dude, accidents-
Honestly, how? Accidents what?
Like, I think-
Oh, like, you, you played, you, you flew too close to the sun?
No, well, that did happen too, when I had fucking food poisoning.
Yeah, okay.
And that was fucking crazy.
You flew too close to the sun, and you was like, "Oh, oh, oh!"
Well, no, well, yeah, I had food poisoning, and I was just like, literally dying, I had neurovirus, and I was just like, shitting every five seconds.
Neurovirus or food poisoning, they're holes in this story, just like apparently in your penis. Apparently it's crazy, we all-
We all have one. We need that, we need a hole. Um, but yeah, just like, an accident, you know, or like-
Just like a little.
Crazy.
I'm not saying I'm shitting my pants and I'm like, I got.
I mean, in theory, if you have skid marks, you're shitting your pants.
Why wouldn't you wear white underwear, though?
Because I am an adult male.
But like also because like, bro, just in case.
You know, honestly? If I was younger, not me, I couldn't tell you the last time there was like something and I just went like.
You know?
I mean, it's not, it's like having car insurance.
No, one of those is required by law.
No, so, but it's like having car insurance to me because it's like, I'm not saying that. Because I have car, I'm getting car insurance because I get into accidents all the time. It's just in the event of an accident, I'm covered. So I'm not going to wear white, I'm not going to wear gray, I'm going to wear dark colors just in case there's an accident. Then there's nothing crazy going on.
I guess, I guess, I'm, you're working really hard to get me to follow you there, and you know what? That's fine. I just, I don't see, honestly, do yourself a favor, go out and pop.
Go out and buy yourself underwear, like legit, like underwear, you know what I'm talking about?
Whities?
Not, it doesn't need to be white, it could be any color you want, wear it and tell me like it's not kind of fire. I'll be honest with you, I'm over.
Why'd you do this?
Because like they come up around the thighs.
Those are whites.
No, they, you're just, there's more, they don't need to be white, Joey.
I'm just saying like, tidy, tidy whitey, it could be tidy.
Tidy blueys.
Sure, sure, sure.
You know what I'm saying? Those to me are tidy whitey is like the shape.
Oh, like granny panties is like the, the term.
For women.
Yeah, alright, just tidies.
Okay.
Just call them tidies, go out and buy yourself tidies and tell me that they aren't kind of superior.
Let me ask you this, or actually not, let me ask you anything.
Put that finger.
Or maybe I'm, am I telling you something? Do you, no, I'm asking, do you think granny panties would be comfortable to wear?
Bro, we've, we spoke about this recently, if I was a woman.
No, no, no, I'm saying as a man, right now, if you put on a pair of granny panties, do you think it'd be?
What's granny panties if not tidies, just thinner?
But also the material.
I just said thinner.
That just beat the fuck out of me, that material.
I said, I said that, thinner.
No, no, no, it's like a, am I crazy, when I'm thinking of a granny panty, I'm thinking something like shiny, like silk or like some shit.
No, that's just like.
You got silk underwear?
Uh, no, no, I don't.
In all those forty, you don't have one pair of silk?
Oh fucking forgive me giant cock.
Forgot about that.
Yeah, no, I, I, I do not have any silk. I have like a silk like, I'm pretty sure it's silk smoking jacket.
Why is it like, it's crazy I don't have silk underwear?
I have a silk smoking jacket.
What are you, Hugh Gaffner? What are you talking about?
I don't have, I don't have silk underwear. I have a silk smo- what is a smoking jacket?
Uh, I think it's exactly what it sounds like. It's meant to be smoked in.
But what do you, what does it look like? Like a robe?
Kinda, it kinda looks like pajamas.
It kinda just looks like, like I have a set. It's the pants and...
They're smoking pants?
I'll wear them one day.
Are they silk?
Uh, I think they are silk.
They're like a shiny like...
They're, they're shiny as hell.
And it feels good?
Oh yeah, it does.
Yeah. I'll wear them in one day.
Is silk hot?
I've heard that silk under the, under heat doesn't do well. Cause I remember I looked into getting a silk shirt for Radio City.
Frank?
Now that this moment has passed, okay? Now that this moment has passed.
Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. I'll do it. You got it. Go, go, go.
Frankie, when we were doing Radio City, he's like, oh, we gotta wear something nice or whatever. And then he showed me this shirt. And I was like, oh, you're gonna get that? And he's like, he's like, yeah, I'm thinking about it. He's like, it's super expensive, whatever. It's Radio City, blah, blah, blah.
Frank, I didn't say this at the time, but that is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen in my life.
What?
Wow.
No way!
It is worse than the polo.
It is, Frank, it's infinitely worse.
It's louder. I wouldn't have said...
Frank, it is a flashbang, okay? You would have fucking deafened the audience with this. I, I almost would have probably been like, I don't know that you should wear that. Should, can we pull a picture of it?
I mean, yeah, if he can find it. Well, let's start here. Just go to the Versace website.
Yeah, you know what? Anyone who's familiar with Versace, just go to the website. Look at those underwear! Ninety-five dollars, that's crazy.
Sab Karp is here, dude.
Um...
Sab Karp.
What am I... Uh, just scroll to men's shirts. Oh, I could just... okay. Just go to men's shirts. While he gets that up. Type in horrific... Hold on, let me defend myself. Okay, really quick. So... It wasn't those. Where am I going? It wasn't those, you're getting closer. It's black, keep going. You're getting warmer. Keep going.
That's close.
Keep going. Oh, that's all they got? They might have removed it. Oh, no, show more, baby.
You're not getting...
There it is! Wait, where? On the right.
This? Yes. That's not black, first of all.
First of all, that's the shirt that he was going to wear.
Let's read off the price?
Yeah, uh... It's a couple bucks.
Was it this one or this? Uh, nine hundred ninety dollars.
I wasn't wearing long sleeve, babe. Okay, I'm so sorry. Hear me out. Hear me out. Yeah, okay. You wanna do this? Yeah, what? We're gonna get heard out then. If we're airing this out, if you're fucking... If I've gone through all forty of my underwear and we got dirty laundry, let's air this shit out. I didn't get it.
In hindsight, it was not... Like, what was I thinking? Yes. However... However... That shirt's great. However...
It was a big occasion. Yep. And I wanted something to memorialize the event. Do me a favor. Memorialize? Ask me if you think I ever would have wore this shirt again. Ever, ever!
Frank, I know the answer.
It was going in a frame.
In a frame?
Yeah, people frame shirts, like they frame jerseys.
What are you, Aaron Rodgers? It's not going in a frame. Did you frame the clothes that you wore?
Uh, no, I actually just put them away, though, and I said like, "Oh, right." Like...
Alright. Wait, like, put them away?
For the winter. Like, for, like, their winter clothes, or like, fall clothing?
It sounded like you put them down. You took them out to the backyard, "Alright, you've served your..."
Just look at the flowers! Now, but that's such a crazy... Who would do that? Who would buy something to memorialize, uh, an event? Did you buy anything to memorialize Radio City?
What'd you buy?
A watch.
Frank, that's-
How much was that?
The watch was very expensive.
Yeah, it was.
It was the most expensive thing I've ever bought in my entire life. However... One, let's go, let's go.
We're going?
One, one is this-
Get the fucking gloves out, babe. Let's go.
No, no, no. The watch.
Yup.
I don't think the issue that I have with this thing that you bought, that we're planning on buying, was the price.
The issue was...
What it was.
The item, okay.
What it looked like.
Listen. Joey?
Me.
You see that there? That hurt.
I'm a little confused by what you're doing.
You see that there? You see those veins?
Guess what runs through those veins? Blood. And what does blood make me? A human. I'm only human, babe. I make mistakes, we make mistakes. Okay? And... We only... We can only do what's best for us, as humans, in those situations at the time.
He's doing one of his rants that don't make sense, but it's a lot of words.
Hindsight. The benefit of hindsight on our side. Hindsight is always 20/20. Of course, we can look back and say, "That was a dumb idea."
You think that's true? I don't think it's true. I think sometimes I look back and I go, "What?"
Well, you look at it like that because you have the benefit of hindsight on your side. You can look back and say, "At the time, you were like, 'Yeah, I was gung ho about it.' Hindsight now, I don't know."
Gung ho.
Damn right. I'm just saying, I was trying to memorialize what was professionally our biggest achievement.
Okay?
But, and, but, I know.
And I wanted to do it with Versace with me, okay? With a silk Versace shirt.
With Donatella Versace.
With Donatella Versace on by my side.
You know what, and I will say this, I will say this. I don't like it, right? I don't like the shirt. But I, I will say this, I think that if you did wear it, of course I'm joking, I would have never been like, ew Frank, don't buy that. If you wore it, I honestly think that you could pull it off.
Thank you!
And I think that it would have looked good. It would, it honestly would not have boded well for you though.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
To be like, hey Frank.
All of the jokes that you make about me.
There were some other ones that I had contemplated, yeah, there were some other considerations, there was a white one that I almost got, you can keep going. And I'll tell you, if it comes up, some of these are just like...
These are hideous.
These are... Some of them are, that white and black one, and that gold and, and blue one were up there too.
These two?
You know, one time I actually walked into a Versace store, uh, or someone I was with, maybe I was with Danny or something, but like, I think someone wanted to buy a Versace, um, swimsuit, trunks, or whatever the fuck, and some of the shit there is just, like, when I picture these, these things, it's all like older, rich dudes in Miami.
Mm-hmm.
With white pants.
And they're wearing that shirt.
Yep, absolutely.
You know what I mean?
Flowy white pants, too.
You don't really see a lot of younger people in, in, uh...
I just, again...
More of the, more like...
At the time, my mentality was just like...
These are...
My mentality was just like... Let's memorialize this with something that is so insane. Cause you know me, I like loud shirts. You know me. It's not like loud. I know, this is not loud, but like it's louder than what you're normally used to, you know, like you're not a loud shirt guy. If you were to say, is Frankie a muted style person or a loud style person? You would obviously say. Power Rangers or something like that.
Louder. I thought in my head, it's almost become like a part of the show. That like Hawaiian shirts, loud clothing. You haven't worn Hawaiian shirts in very long, Frank. I can't remember the last time I wore them, but I, I wear them fairly frequently. One you've worn, but like besides that. I, I wear them every now and then, but like you see me twice a week, normally, you know? Yeah, but I've seen pictures of you. But also, I mean, not, regardless, we're splitting peas here.
I just think that it would have been like, this is Frankie at the pinnacle of being Frankie onstage at Radio City.
So you think in order to be the pinnacle, the peak of yourself? I need to be. Your shirt needs to be. Well, I need to show that I am. 400 decibels. Listen, Joey. A worry that people might have about you and I is that along this road that we call life. There it is. Which is a long, windy road. The long and winding road.
Is windy a word? Windy? I think so. Or I know it's winding in that song. Yeah. But like if something is windy. In the path of windy. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. In a circle. You go low. The circle of life.
The Lion King. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Bang! Yeah, that's fucking, they held that motherfucker up.
Imagine that was real, like the animal kingdom, like a monkey's gonna hold up a cub and all the animals line up.
And then they're fucking, and the, the, the, what are they called, the ones, the gazelles are just like, hell yeah, I'm fucking bout this shit.
Bro, also the gazelles aren't gonna be there. Those things get eaten by fucking everybody.
Well, that was, that was the thing that they said in the movie. It's just like, don't we eat these animals? And it was just like, yeah, but every, it's the circle of life. We all.
It's like, we're having an assembly. Everyone chill.
Yeah. Bro, that soundtrack, go back and.
Go back and watch that fucking movie. You open up with Circle of Life, Just Can't Wait to Be King, Be Prepared.
Just can't.
Hakuna Matata.
Is that, is that like the pinnacle of like Disney soundtracks? Not my answer, but it's one or two.
I, recently Finny texted me and he was like, yo, I just saw a video where it was like top 10, uh, movie soundtracks or something, or maybe it was Disney soundtracks. And he's like, Tarzan is 10. I was like, that's fucking illegal.
We can, we can debate this one day on a Patreon episode, but I think it's, Lion King is definitely in the top five.
Wi- without question.
Bro, you're forgetting so many other fucking movies that are just.
I mean, Aladdin's probably number one.
Aladdin is in there, Little Mermaid is in there. Oh, Little Mermaid! Pocahontas is in there. Mulan is in there. Bro, people go, people ride for Mulan, dude.
Tarzan, man.
Tarzan, exactly.
Bro, Mulan, not Mulan, uh, Pocahontas is like, it's got one.
Colors of the Wind?
That's it.
Yeah, that's a problematic movie now that we think about it. A lot of them often are.
I don't even know the story of that movie. I don't even know what.
I mean, it's just like.
What is going on? White guy falls in love with a?
Yeah, and then like his big like dude is just like, nah, fuck that, this is our shit now. And she's like, no. But the, what makes it problematic is like what the real story was. It was like, at the, like the real Pocahontas was like 11. Yeah. Ew. There's some stuff.
Pocahontas is such a cool name. By the way, that was like my first crush.
Pocahontas?
One of them, yeah, Pocahontas.
I could see that.
I was in love with Pocahontas.
Oh, you know, you know my answer. Christina Ricci and Casper. That's it.
Hmm, that's another one, yeah.
You know.
See, I didn't, I didn't have the same kind of crush on Christina Ricci that I had on Pocahontas. Pocahontas, I was like, oof.
Fucking Roxanne in a goofy movie? Are you kidding me?
I know, when I was younger too, I was like, I'll never, I'll never be able, be good enough for Roxanne.
Nala. We did, uh, years ago, we did an episode where I think we did a bracket of like, the best looking animated characters. Might be time to revisit that. Uh, but...
Yeah, some goodies there. Anyway, we do have some sponsors for today. Helloooooo mama! Uh, so, the first one being, how you doing BetterHelp? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, okay? That is online therapy. So, uh, if you're going through something traumatic, or even if you're not, if you're going through, you know, if you just have a lot of life decisions coming up or anything, I suggest you get into therapy. I've been in therapy for a number of years. I think it's very helpful. I think everyone should be in it and would benefit from it, even if you think like, ah, you know, it's not for me, or whatever. Trust me, I think that it's, it's good for everyone. It makes you a better communicator. It's just, it's just all around a very helpful thing, in my opinion. Um, but BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience with matching people with the right therapists from their diverse network of over 30,000 licensed therapists, okay?
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The boys are back at it. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! Too much? I'll be honest. I didn't know where you were going with that. I lost my elbow on that one. We announced that we are the new tour. New tour. From the Basement to the World Tour. The Basement Yard boys are getting back after it. Yes, sir. If you guys, for some reason, haven't seen everything that we have been talking about or posting about, go to thebasementyard.com. All of our information is going to be on there. If you're seeing this early on Patreon, May 13th. Yes. At 12:00 PM Eastern Standard Time is when the tickets go live for pre-sale with the pre-sale code basement. If you're not a patron and you've seen it after that, still go check. See if we're still available in whatever cities are close to you or in your city.
So, go check it out, thebasementyard.com. We're excited. We'll get you tickets. Come see your boys! And this is, you know, if you came last year, new show. Yeah! We got new stuff. We want to make it so it doesn't feel like last year and you're not, you know, you're getting new stuff. Yeah. So, go check it out. Thank you, guys. We love you. We wouldn't be able to do this without you. Yes. Amazing. Let me ask you a question. Oh. You. I don't know. Can I? I don't know why I hate the pointing so much. Like, it's not a bit. I just don't like it. And it's not like you're doing anything wrong. Like, we're in a show. We point at each other. We talk. But like, you just did that and I was like, ew. Maybe you got something.
Like what?
I, I don't know.
Trauma.
But you, but you do, the way that you react to like poop conversations and mustard and me pointing apparently is, is pretty...
Pretty the same?
Yeah, it's pretty like intense.
It's similar to how you reacted to when that shirt popped up on the screen that I was gonna buy.
Yikes.
Uh, but what were you gonna ask me babe? Go ahead.
Um, well, the question that Ant, he kind of proposed to us before this, so I wanted to bring it back up, but it was like, if you had a full day to hide a paperclip?
Paperclip?
A paperclip from the FBI, five agents?
Sure.
Five detectives are gonna raid your house, you have to hide a paperclip somewhere in your house. Do you think that you could fool them and you could successfully hide it?
What equipment do they have?
Bro, I don't work there, I don't fucking know.
I mean, do they have like x-ray, do they have like stuff that can detect metal?
No, that's cheating, that's cheating.
Do they have a metal detector and stuff like that?
Uh...
Or are they just looking like good old gumshoe tactics? Like, are they just going with their hands and they're looking around?
Let's say that.
Okay, yes. I can hide forty of those fucking paperclips.
Okay, that's insane, no.
Bro, one?
I'm gonna find forty paperclips.
I'd hide them all, I'd hide them all in the same place. That's, that's a trick, Joey.
That's not a trick.
Well, where would you hide a paperclip?
I mean, the easiest way that I know they're not getting it is I swallow it.
Um... They'll know.
How?
They're gonna check ya.
Well, they said they don't have a metal scanner, so what are they gonna do? They're just gonna poke my belly and like, you know, put their ear to it and stuff like that?
Also, I don't know what's gonna happen to you. You already got a little sensy tummy. You just swallow a piece of sharp metal.
Yeah, it won't work well, but if, uh, uh, uh, 'cause...
Let me tell you something.
Here's the thing, here's the thing.
It's gonna be a red wedding when you take it down.
Here's the thing, here's the thing babe.
Ant said that if they successfully don't find it, I win a billion dollars.
Oh, is that the thing?
Yeah, but if they don't find it, they die.
But if they don't find it, they die?
What if they find it, do I die?
No, you just don't get a billion dollars.
If they don't find it, they die, and I get a billion dollars.
So they're frantic. They're gonna shove their hands down your throat and up your ass to try and find this thing.
Um, they could try, bitch, but they ain't getting very far. It'll be in my belly.
The first place they'll check is definitely some sort of wand to make sure it's not in ya.
Regardless, there's no way they're finding this thing.
Where would you put it then if you weren't there? What would you do? Do you know?
I have no idea.
Here's what I would do.
Okay, walk us through. I'm a detective.
You ever, uh...
Ow, whoa!
Well, you're gonna have to be tougher than that, detective.
Open up, Joe. It's me.
We're not doing role play.
Why not?
Because...
People like it.
So...
You know when you get like a scratch in your wall or something, and then you like take soap and then you paint over it?
Soap?
Yeah, you've never done that?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Like, if you get like a little nick in your wall or something, or like the molding, you can take like soap and you keep going over it.
Oh, like a bar of soap?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like to fill it in?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I thought you meant like to clean the mark out. Okay.
I meant like that.
So, my thought process is like shave a part of the molding out, and then put the paperclip, like, open it, and then put it like that, and then do the soap over it, and then paint over it. It'll just look like part of the molding.
That's actually, that's a really good one. That's really, really good.
If they have metal detectors, maybe I would shove it deep in a TV or something?
Well, here's the thing. If they have metal detectors, they're gonna find it.
What is "deep" in a TV? They're flat screens! How deep? I'm saying I would take it apart and put it in somewhere deep, because if they have a metal detector, maybe that'll throw it off.
So you're hoping like, well, you need something like lead. You need something like lead in order to protect from seeing through. That's what's famously, Superman can't see through lead, so...
Superman works for the FBI.
Damn it.
No, I, if we're saying like metal detectors, they're gonna find it. Does it need to remain in paperclip form? Could I like melt it? Can I like melt it down and make it into a ring?
No, you're hiding a paperclip.
I'm hiding a paperclip.
Make it into a ring?
Just thinking out loud here.
Um, what, alright.
I think like the easy answer is like hide it in the piping somewhere, so like... Most bathrooms have like copper piping and stuff like that and like, put it down the drain. You have to be able to get it. No, he didn't say that. That was not, that was not spoken. Oh, I mean, I'm assuming you have to like be able to access it. You can't just flush it. Well, then it wouldn't be in your house. That's why I didn't say flush it. I said like, put it in the drain and like, tape it to the side or something. Nah, they'll find that. You think so? I think so. There's this spot that we have in our house. So, technically, our house has a chimney. And, but there's no fireplace or anything. I guess it's just like a chimney for some reason. And in the attic, there's a spot between the brick chimney
and the like attic, and there's just a hole. And I don't know where it goes.
Throw it down there. And it's not like big enough that like they can fit down there and get it. They would have to like send a drone. What if I took it and I wore a rubber glove and I shoved it in a socket, electrified it? So even if they find it, it's like, I can't, I can't get that. Okay. You know, they could just put on, they could put on the rubber glove and remove it. Oof, didn't even think of that at all. Uh. I think, like, I, I definitely think, also, we have young kids. There's like a ton of like little toys that like you could hide shit in. They're gonna just smash them all. But could they?
I like in a pipe. I like in a pipe. A pipe is not bad. Or like a, so like, you know how like bike tires? Like that you have to like, it's like a tire and then a tube on the inside? Mm-hmm. That's a good one. Yep. You know, the tube and the tire. Yeah, I like that. You know? I like that. That's not bad. Does your yard count? Can we bury this fucker? Ooh. Sure. Oh, then they're never finding it. Yeah, I'm burying it. I'm burying this thing forty feet down.
Forty feet down? I'm burying it. You probably hit China.
I believed that when I was a kid. I legitimately believed at the beach that if I dug far enough, I would end up in China.
Am I fucking stupid?
Yes, you are.
Am I dumb?
Yes, and go and try it right now and let those walls cave in and take the oxygen and your life with you. I think that there is, if you ga- how much prep time do I have? If you tell me like, "They're coming tomorrow."
Like, okay, so like, then I could definitely do it, but if you're like, "They're coming in an hour." I'd be like, "Oh, fuck."
If you dug forty feet, you can tell, "Oh, someone just dug there in a day." What if I took a cucumber? And I just shoved it in slow?
Brother, I'm go- that's the easiest thing to see something metallic in a cucumber?
They would have to crack open the cucumber.
Done. Bing. There it is.
Oh, yeah, I guess I'm making them not doing that, yeah.
Ooh, what if, I know what I would do. I know exactly how I would do this.
I would buy
a truck's worth of needles. And I would throw the paperclip in the needles, needle in a haystack.
I believe that's a paperclip and a needle stack.
Oh, exactly. So...
I mean, if they knew that...
Even best-case scenario...
Damn, I thought I'd get him... Frank, Frank, I didn't get him! Bing, bang, boom! Best-case scenario, they're sitting there sifting through that. Or, I got another one. I buy the big needle stack.
And you tell them it's in there?
And I tell, and I, and I don't tell them it's in there. But they think like, "Well, that's where he must have put it." It's elsewhere.
You fill your house with needles. And then you hide it in a good place anyway.
Or...
Needles fucking everywhere.
I'm on it. I'm on it. Remember the movie Saw II? Hear me out. Remember Saw II?
Where are we going?
You saw Saw II, right?
Remember where the girl gets thrown into the, the big, like, hole in the floor with the syringes?
Literally my least favorite part of all of the Saw movies.
That's a bad one.
Ew.
What if I had a pit like that? You don't.
But what if I did?
I'll buy a kiddie pool.
Are you saying if you had a pit of syringes?
In your house?
Yep. And I turn the pa- I open the paperclip so it looks like the needle part of a syringe and I put it in there.
The whole pit of syringes was so like not needed for you to like do that, yeah. Um. Hmm hmm. Ooh. What if? This is, this is good. I think it's good.
Alright, hear me.
You're supposed to listen.
Alright, hear me. Um. Somehow. Okay. You take it, you take the paperclip and you make it flat. And then you put it into a tube of toothpaste. And you get it all the way onto the side. So you could just use it normally and it's like toothpaste. Like, there's nothing in there. If you get it all the way in. And then you put it off to the side, then it'll just act as toothpaste.
Bro, I'm sorry, if I have twenty-four hours and I'm a detective. Everything that could have something in it is getting torn open. And cut open and searched thoroughly.
I think the molding's a good answer. What if while they're in there, I slip it in their pocket?
They're gonna walk away with it, you dumbass.
Well, they're staying in the house for twenty-four hours, unless they.
But if they can't find it, they're like, ah, I guess we're leaving. As soon as they walk out, they'd be like, wait, I have it.
Exactly, it's over. The twenty-four hours is over.
But they'll have it on their, in their possession.
But they didn't. Yeah, but they didn't find it during the time, the allotted time that they had to find it.
This is a horrible idea.
All the, they're gonna be like, ah, damn. And be like, oh.
Yeah. I think hiding it in something or under something is the easiest answer, like. You could do.
In an urn. Hmm. Yeah, they could really dump out grandpa. Let's be honest.
That's fair, that's true. I was thinking, ooh, what about, you know, um.
I think I got it.
You have hardwood flooring in your house? You guys had hardwood flooring in your house. You know, there's like the nails? In the hardwood flooring?
What if I make it look like it's one of the nails? I just like, I like drill in and put it in. And then like make it look like a nail.
I think it would stick out unless you're gonna put that like floor glaze on it.
I would make it look good. I would make, I would do my best to like make it look good.
You know? Or like, in, you know, you know how like? Floors that have carpeting, they have like ugly throw-up colored carpeting. It's just like the spongy foam underneath it.
What if you just shove it in there? Like, in, in the, in the throw-up carpet?
I mean, this is another thing that I think they're probably just gonna rip up, the same way that you said anything packaged.
I think we could do it.
What if we put it in a, in a pot of boiling hot water?
Gotcha, gotcha.
Come on, Tor, watch this. Turn it off, let it, just look inside and let it cool down.
I feel like if I drill a hole into a door, and then put it in there, and plug that up, how would they really find that?
Can I, can I?
You'll tell that there was a hole in a door.
Can I alter this paperclip at all?
Yeah, you can make, you just can't melt it.
You can't melt it, you can bend it. So I can, I can bend it, I can paint it a different color?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Okay. That doesn't help me honestly. I just wanted to check if I can do that. I just wanted to check. I think that there's a possibility that... Why don't we do this?
Bro, why don't we just put it, like when you first walk in the house, there's molding above your door, and do the thing that I said, right by the front of your door?
I think that's tough because that's the first place they're gonna check, like any good detective.
Bro, shove it? Get a giant ladder, right? Climb up to your roof, and shove it somewhere.
He said "in the house", not "on the house".
Ooh, so does it count as "in the house" if I put it in the brick outside?
Hmm, brick boys!
If I'm like pointing the house, you know, you get rid of the old, um, shit, the concrete between the bricks, you put it in, and then you point the house, boom!
I was gonna say in a paver. I'd say the driveway! In the driveway, in a paver?
Tar!
You cut a little, like, a little section of it, and you put it in there, and then you put it down, and just make it look like the paver never came up?
Yeah, I was gonna say, just under a tile in your house. How would they get in that?
Here's the thing, yeah, so here's the thing. Pure, regardless if there's five of them, if you put it somewhere where the, just the timing doesn't make sense that they would get to something like that?
Like, by the time they got through every single paver, I'll take those chances. For a billion dollars?
Unless they just, yeah, yeah, no, you're right.
Million dollars, babe.
Yeah, there's no way. There's no way they're finding it. There's no way.
Not a single fucking way. Woo, what fucking detectives do you know, Clouseau?
Woo!
Who do you know?
Wait, what if they have a dog and the dog knows what paperclip smells?
Dogs can't smell metal. They smell bombs and drugs and kids.
But if they smell me, they'll know I... You have to have someone else place the paperclip.
Hey, brother, it's your house. Everything smells like you.
Not outside in that one brick.
It's your house. The place probably smells like you, period.
Dogs can't smell a brick in the air?
In the air.
That's like if you were just like, well, if I murdered someone in my house, my fingerprints are on the, all over the place. It's like, yeah, because it's your house. Same thing, your scent is everywhere.
Do you think you could hide...
Like a... Hmm... I'm trying to think of like something like bigger than a paperclip.
A baseball.
No, baseball, they'll find. That's tough. That's really tough, yeah.
Literally impossible. I can't hide it in the wall. I can't... Also, if I'm the agent and I'm gonna die, I'm walking in here with a sledgehammer, the walls are coming down.
Everything's down.
Everything, I'm dismantling that place piece by piece.
That'll make it harder. If you start knocking the walls down...
I mean, they'll have to go through it, take it out, not in there, go through it. Like, they'd have to do it in a smart way.
I know this is like not the conversation we're having, but like, you're moving into a new house soon.
Did you ever like, and I don't mean to ruin this for you...
Here we go. It's done. I'm not, I'm...
But you ever think about like, that there could be stuff in the walls? Like a body.
I've never thought about it, but thank you for this now.
Right. Or like haunted? Have you ever spent the night there? Do you know haunt?
I don't think you know how buying houses work, but they don't like give you like a one-night trial.
Second night, can't sleep over?
Yeah, just like if you don't like it, no satisfaction guarantee, you'll get a full return. No. Basically, the first, when you get the place is when you stay in it.
I always think about that when I, like, in my new apartments, the first night, I'm like, oh, fuck, I hope it's not haunted.
So, I don't know, I don't have my Realtor's license, so I can't with confidence say where this happens, or like the minutia of it, but like...
Frank, hold the fuck on.
You've said minutia four times today Frank. How? Four minutias. When have I said minutia? He minutia'd in the video we shot before, you minutia'd on the call earlier. Did I minutia? You minutia'd. I don't remember any minutia. It'll be in the video. I honestly don't remember minutia. When you guys see the video, you will know he minutia'd, and you minutia'd now, and then you minutia'd on the call. Did you just learn minutia? No, I've always known minutia. Well now, it's very popular now, and it's been four minutias. It's a popular word, it's gonna be pretty laborious for me to take that out of my fucking vocabulary. Don't bring that back either, and I'm giving you a point on purpose. I think... Frank, also, can I be...
You don't, you don't... I, I... You don't... No, I don't know. Alright. What is it? So, like, wait, what are you talking about? Minutia. Oh, just like the little parts of something. Like minute. Yeah, like minutia, like, like, like the little, like, little things. Little details? Yeah, little details. But, what I was gonna say, is that some places, some states, that might be different state to state, or, or, whatever, but you need to like, if there's a known crime, like a murder or something that has happened, or like if it, it's suspected of being haunted, like... Yeah, but I'm not thinking, I'm not saying like known crimes, I'm saying like, this crime was covered up. Unknown crime, yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen, man, out of sight, out of mind, ignorance is bliss. Could be all bodies in the walls.
There could, the walls could be, this house could be being propped up. By dead bodies. By skeletons. And I wouldn't know, yes, and? I'd be more worried that someone sees an open house sign, and then they're just living in there. Uh, like squatters, that's, that happens, dude. Wait, what? You ever see those videos of people are, oh, that my bunch of bananas is gone, I don't know what it is? Oh my god, and there's like, like a small Asian woman that crawls out of like a cupboard, and they've been living there for like four years or some shit. That's kinda what I'm talking about. Yeah, dude, that shit terrifies me, I'm telling you right now.
Well, I don't know where this happened, but like I saw a video once and it was just like, I've noticed like things have gone missing, so I set up a camera and then there's just like someone that like crawls out of a cupboard. You've heard about this, you might be able to look it up, look at that video.
Shut the fuck up.
You've never seen this, but like, in that situation.
Wait, what are you talking, why are you saying open house? That's like when people are showing their house.
Right, and then.
Yeah, but they're.
Go ahead. And then they see that, okay, this house is gonna be vacant, they get in there and then when the family moves in, they're just secretly living in the house.
Son.
That can hap- I'm sure it has happened, and like,
shit like that, I'm sure.
I'm like, beating this person like they're a demon. Because I wouldn't believe that they're human.
It's, it's pretty crazy. It, it happens.
In my house, a person crawling out of a cupboard.
Bro, I can't believe you've never seen this, you need to, you need to pull this up.
I'll try to find it.
And like, they would like, they like found the area and there was like, quilts and like pillows set up and shit like that and like food wrappers and like this person would sneak down. Maybe it was like, maybe it was like publicity for like a movie or something, but like.
No, that's terrifying.
Bro, I would.
I'll take ten dead bodies before I take a human living in my crawl space.
You'd rather the dead.
Absolutely, the dead don't talk.
Yeah, that's true.
The dead can't creep around.
I mean, if they're ghosts.
I don't like being jump scared. That's my thing.
I would rather if someone squat and squat and be in a living room like, and let's have an argument in court or something.
But don't sneak out in the middle of the night and steal the cookies.
Well, you know, sometimes when people show houses and open houses, like it's someone's house that's currently living there and then they move out after it's sold, so like, they might, people might not have the opportunity, but I'm sure like new build construction, people just go in, it's also a thing with like, they'll like steal piping and shit like that, copper piping isn't cheap.
Right. I, I don't know if you know the law, the rules around this, but like. How does squatting make any sense?
Bro, it's like, you, I, I, I don't know either, but like, I've heard stories of like, people just show up, they have like a bank statement, like, send them mail there, and it's like, oh, I got mail here, it's mine now, I'm a squatter. And, there's like, rules and regulations that people are like, landlords are like, please fucking help me, I can't get this person out.
I, I can't understand that, like, I don't, I don't know the law.
It was, I think in theory, it was meant to, it was set up to protect, so like, the landlord just didn't kick people out for no fucking reason. But like, it has now become like, the opposite of that.
If there's no contract, where you're like, living there, or something like that, then,
you know what I mean?
So, this is, this guy was missing things, and then he set up a camera, and then he saw this.
I can't see shit.
It's, it's very dark, cause it was nighttime, but someone crawls out of the, and then, starts living their life while they're sleeping, steals things.
A deranged woman living in the attic, is what it says.
Bro, oh my god, see, this is the thing, and this is so scary. Yo, I, I don't even know what I would do, I think I would abandon my house.
Abandon my house? I take, I'm not gonna say what I would do.
Yeah, cause, because, I'll say it though, if I woke up in the middle of the night, and there was a dark figure, shadowy figure, in my fucking kitchen, grabbing shit, it's fucking on. It is so on.
Here comes Ken Griffey Jr., you're swinging away, baby.
And I'm screaming at an octave, I'd be embarrassed of, because it'd be very loud.
Be honest with me, would it be, like, screaming, or would it be like, yo, yo, kid, yo, yo?
It would be that.
Barking a little?
It would be that, but the second they turn around and come at me, I feel like,
Do you really think, like, have you, I've, I've thought of this before, like, do you really think you could beat someone up with a bat?
Like, what are you asking?
Like, if, if, if you had a bat, right now, and I charged at you, you think you could kick my ass?
Are you saying like?
I feel like people think it's easier that, because they think it's like a stationary target and they're gonna swing, hit them once and knock them out.
Frank, I'm gonna knock your block off. What are you talking about?
Watch this.
So then, you, did you get hit with a bat, though?
No, because I ducked it.
Right. So I'll swing lower.
I imagine that like, it's not as easy as you think. Like, I think people think like, you know, like those people that have like bats by their base, uh, uh, bats by their bed, if like someone breaks in and they run down like that, like, bro, I think-
It's better than not having one.
Correct. But I think people think that like, I'm gonna swing at a stationary target and I'm gonna hit them square in the head where it's gonna knock them out immediately.
I mean, if you have a weapon and someone runs at you and you do end up connecting with their head, they're probably dead.
But their head is, you know, what, 8% of the length of their body or something like that. Definitely more than 8.
It's more than 8?
But you know what I'm saying?
Is there a sock on the bat?
What the fuck is that?
A sock on the bat?
It mea- like, so if you swing at somebody-
What is it like, you put, what people put socks on their doorknobs like they're having sex in their room, or you fucking a bat?
If you swing at somebody and they grab the bat, if there's a sock on it, when you pull, the sock comes off, you got another chance.
That's incredible.
Really good. We called you stupid for a sec.
Well, the camera just shit its pants. Uh, so, uh, we had, we, you know, we got, we jumped right to here. Well, good thing it wasn't wearing tighty-whities. Full circle, okay? Not a half circle.
Brought it back, brought it back.
But a full circle.
You're welcome.
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It's pretty good.
In final news.
We have a new pope.
Oh, we have a new pope?
Is el nuevo papa.
We're new pope?
El nuevo papa.
El nuevo padre del amigo del padre del padre del hijo.
Isn't he American?
But apparently it's like another country is trying to take credit for him too, but we got a Chicago pope. He's this guy that's like...
He's from Chicago?
He's from Chicago.
He's a Cubs fan?
He's a fucking...
What's the place called, the hot dog place?
Oh, I don't know, I don't remember.
Some dogs?
I don't remember, but he's gonna be like naming a father to shine and Jordan dropping 84.
Yeah. I, I think the internet is ablaze now because I think this is the first American pope.
Ever?
Is it? And you might need to cross-reference that.
I didn't even know that popes could be American.
I thought they were all like Itl- Itl- I was gonna say all Italy.
No, the last one Pope Frankie was from...
Oh yeah, he was like German?
He was from Argentina or something, and then before that...
German.
He was German.
There was some stuff. Uh, John Paul, where was he?
JP? I mean, I imagine Italy.
Oh, was- so is this the first American pope?
Never in the history of the Roman Catholic Church has there been an American pope.
Damn.
We're back up.
We're back up, baby.
Trump's gonna take fucking credit for this.
Listen, I mean, he could take credit for whatever he wants and often does.
Make the Vatican America again.
That's kinda cra- bro, imagine a guy up there- this is kinda weird, bro. I don't know if I want a pope that is American.
Yeah, we- we gotta know which way he's moving if he's going American, because American, American...
Are you American if you're living in the Vatican though? It's a different country.
I mean, technically, yeah. I mean, I don't think he was living in the Vatican. He was part of like The Boys. He was just like, he was there on like a weekend bender and he was just like...
"I'm pope now, guys."
No, no, he's not like a- just like a priest and then you're pope.
He was a cardinal. We've talked this-
Yeah, bro, being a cardinal is like you gotta put in some years. You gotta do your time.
He did a- he- he- he-
You know, you start in the mailroom, or what's that called?
He grit his teeth. What do they call it? Cut your teeth?
Grit.
Grit- he grit his teeth. He was getting after it.
He did- he put in- I wish they could do like, for whatever the new popes are, they have like, you know, like stats, like tail of the tapes for them, it's stuff like that, and it'll be like, "Pope, this guy."
Fifteen-time pope of the year, fifteen-time priest of the year.
Twenty-two-year cardinal, you know, thirty-eight, uh, thirty-eight-inch wingspan.
Over a hundred thousand Hail Marys hailed.
I just think, this could be the turning of the tide, to bring America back to a place of just like, "Oh shit, okay." Or it could be real bad.
I wonder what- what they- how do they- how do they vote on who to- who to pope?
I think they go up there and they're just like, "Yo, what do you think?"
Like, "Yo, anybody cure blindness?" Or like, anything, you know what I'm saying?
There's that movie Conclave. I haven't watched it.
I haven't either. I watched the trailer and I was like, "I'm not watching that." I was like, "Why am I watching that?"
Why is Voldemort telling me who should be the pope, dude? You know what I'm saying?
What is this?
I- I- I heard it was a good movie. I haven't watched it. But, John Lithgow's in it, so, what does that do for you?
I mean, it's a, he's an actor.
I, I, I don't know how they pu- like, how they choose it. Is it just like, cause you've never been in like fraternity, like, election board meetings and stuff like that, where it's like, everyone gets to vote? It's basically like-
They vote.
I know they, they vote. And also the smoke thing?
Fire, dude.
So sick, dude.
Just edging the Italians out there.
So-
It's like, alright, send out the smoke, but don't say anything yet.
Not even the Italians, the Catholics, dude. Just like, they're out there and they're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! White smoke! It's white! It's white!
And then I feel like old Italian women are crying in the streets and they're like, "He's calm." Or something, I don't know.
"Papa's aqui."
"Papa. Nuevo papa."
"Papí."
Bro, the Twitter has been absolutely electric. It's like, you know, like the, uh, I don't know the name of the song, cause I know there's an actual name, but like, the bulls walk out music? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
And it's like, this is what the new pope is coming out to. And he's just like, you know? I-
That's crazy. Does he get new, like, drip?
Bro, if we don't get like a Cubs pinstripe-
Bro, also, I didn't know that they get to choose their own name.
Well, yeah, you got to choose your communion-
His name's like Robert, but he's like Pope Leo.
You got to choose your own communion name. I imagine it's the same shit. Like, what were your ni- what was your name again? Like Frederick?
No, Nicholas.
Nicholas, okay. Well, there you go. It's the same idea. I think they probably do that in order to be in line with like-
Tradition.
Not just traditions, but like, probably so they like, fi- like, they, they, they're kinda like, in line with maybe who they're taking the name after.
Oh, like, who you're most like?
Yeah, like who they wanna most follow in being in the poping.
Isn't there like fifteen John, Pope John Pauls?
Well, no, I think there was only two.
Really?
Pope John Paul and Pope John Paul II. He was the one that, that, that-
Were they back to back?
No, I don't know. I know JP II.
I know, uh, uh, CMC. I know Benedict.
What about JP the OG?
JP the OG?
I don't know anything about these guys, to be honest with you.
Yeah, me neither. And we should probably be careful so we don't blaspheme. We're only just talking about their names, we're okay.
Not blaspheming, anyway.
We're okay.
They're just names.
Yeah, what are you worried about?
Are you scared of God? You're not even a God guy.
We are doing a show in Chicago. Do we invite the pope?
Ooh.
Do we invite the pope to the show? Just like, yo, bless our show.
Do you think that we could sell out a theater at the Vatican?
What is the Vatican? Have you been to the Vatican?
I have.
What is it like? Like, what's the surrounding? Cause it's like one big church-
It's the only completely, isn't it like the only, like, country that's entirely in another country or something like that?
I don't know the facts about it, but that is true.
It is also the smallest country in the world, too.
It is. That's also true.
But like, what, what, how big is it?
It's just a big, big, pretty church. Also, there's catacombs down there.
Speaking of burying on top of dead bodies. Is that where they put all the popes?
I think so. I think they, they throw all the bones down there. Uh, is the, is the Vatican-
Throw the bones down there?
I think that, is, is the, is the Vatican, this is probably a very stupid question, but like, the Vatican is not just that building. It's like a little city around.
Yeah, Vatican City is the name of the country.
So like, what is that like? They got like a dumping bonus and shit?
Those gift shops probably go hard, dude.
So many gift shops.
Oh my god.
So many gift shops. You can buy everything.
Holy water's probably-
You can?
Fucking twenty dollars.
It's from the brook. It's right there. You know what I mean? It's like taking a cup of water from a river, go to the Vatican, you're, you're getting it straight from the source. That's some, that's some pure spring water. You know what I'm saying?
You can kill a guy and drink the fucking holy water there, and he'll be totally fine.
Can you drink holy water?
It's water.
What do you, what'd you think holy water was?
I thought it was something different. I'll be honest.
No, it's just water that someone was like, "I'm gonna have to have it." That's it.
One more time.
That's what, that's what it is.
Can we make this holy light strike?
Can we make it holy light strike? Speaking of holy water, holy light strike. I've been stricken by the light.
Of God.
I, I think, uh, of like, all like the chain restaurants you, you know, what do you think would make the most sense to be in Vatican City?
Chick-fil-A?
They have been pretty consistent with their messaging, so yeah.
They're like, you know.
They're like, yo, we're so holy that we hate gay people and won't open on Sundays.
Isn't that what they say?
I, I, I could think of one.
I'm pretty sure.
I might upset some people. I'll tell you offline.
Wait, you could think of one?
I can think of one that would, that would line up with some stuff that has happened in the past.
Oh.
I know your answer.
Yeah. Subway.
Yeah. Right. Little Caesars?
Caesar, Roman? No? Alright, I don't know what you're, we're coming off the heels of Subway and I was like, what are you talking about?
That's fair. If they did, I mean, Subway would have great marketing. If they did a, like, it was like a, a foot long, if it was like five dollar foot long, but it was in a cross.
Ooh, a five dollar cross long.
Yeah, that would be good. Cause you can get two different sandwiches.
Let me get that pizziola, chicken pizzola.
I used to order that from Subway.
I know, that's what you used to get. I remember very clearly. That thing was soaking wet with sauce that you used to get.
I used to tell her, keep going.
When I got this thing, I would douse mine in oil and vinegar. Listen up.
I used to like dirty talk to the Subway. Basically, I'm dirty talking to the people at Subway when I'm like, Oh, go, go, go, go, go. Make it fucking saucy.
Oh my god, more, more, more. Toast it, but.
Leave it in, leave it in, toast it.
More cheese, more, more, more.
Make it more crunchy.
Yeah, you can't order from Subway without it sounding a little sexual.
You're like, banana pepper.
It's just like, what kind of bread do you want? It's just like, oh, garlic herb.
Oh, let me get that garlic herb. And then they open it up and there's like,
They like split it open for you, they're like.
They literally, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This bread?
Yeah. This one, you want a six inch or a foot long? It's like, the fuck, what do you think I'm here for? Get the fucking foot long.
What do you, what do you want? You want some oil on it?
Oh. Yeah. She's like, give me some more oil and vinegar on that.
More? Oh.
Yo, anyone who walked into a Subway and ordered a 6-inch is a fucking bitch. Yo, I've never in my life, ever in my life, ever! Gotten anything other than a foot-long Subway sandwich. 6-inch. Who are you? A bitch? Or the kids one? Bro, if you bring your kids to eat at Subway... That motherfucker better get a foot-long too. I don't give a fuck. Just bring them to McDonald's, dude. Just bring them, you know? 6-inch. This is America, dumbass. And now we got the fucking, the Pope. Now what? Now what? Now what? We got a Chicago Pope. Hell yeah. What's gonna, now, what are you gonna say? Chicago Pope, he's out there, he's like, eh... I really wanna hear him talk. Really do. Is he an old fuck? I'll be honest, I don't wanna hear him talk. Is he an old bastard?
He looks like he's in his like 60's. Oh, that's young. Yeah, he looks kinda young. He's a young guy from Chicago. Get the fuck outta here. He looks like he's in his 60's, maybe 70's, but like... I might go visit this dude. I mean, I... You're not, you're not gonna. Why not? Who you, well, what are you gonna go visit the Pope? I wanna see the Vatican. Okay, you could see, visit him though is different. Let him wait till he comes here. Well, I'm not gonna like, fucking go have dinner with the guy, but if he drives by in the Pope mobile... Bullshit. If the Pope hit us up tomorrow and was just like, yo, I wanna have dinner with you guys and bless your show. Frank, we're going and I'm asking him about how much he loves Chris Bryant.
Former Chicago Cubs, third baseman. I was gonna say, of all the Chicago athletes... He's 69 years old. Yeah, okay, so we were close. Of all the crazy number to get it. Guy's 69? American and they're just like, you're the new Pope. 69-year-old Pope, you know? Pope, uh, fucking, Coach Ditka.
Bro, if he was the first American Pope and he was voted in on April 20th and he's aged 69, my head would've exploded. And imagine he came out and his like robes were just like weed socks?
420.
Listen, jokes aside.
What does the Pope do? Can he like, do some shit?
I'm sure, I think it's, it's like a liaison, you know, between the Catholic Church and different countries and stuff like that. I do, in all jokes aside.
So he's an ambassador?
Kind of, yeah. I think, I hope that this creates more of a sense of love and happiness and inclusion on behalf of the Catholic Church. Because there has been some times where they've not been those things.
Sometimes?
Yeah, most of the time, they have not been those things.
Props. Um, that's crazy though, dude. Shout out to Chicago, just getting the Pope, dude. They probably lost it.
Aw, man.
That fucking river's gonna run green.
Why green? Wouldn't they run it red?
That's what Chicago does.
Wouldn't they run it red?
I don't know why. What, why does that mean?
Well, red, green is for St. Patrick's Day.
Red would be for the Pope. It'd be white, I think. White? I feel like you got a better chance of making it gr- uh, probably white. Yeah, you can dump like, milk or something in it.
See what happened? Like, I told a, one of the worst jokes of all time, and then the conversation was just horrible. I'm sorry, guys. I think I was.
Struck it by the light, land is a w-. What did you even just say?
Well, there you have it, folks. Uh, I think that's all we can do legally.
Me and Frank are gonna take, uh, you know, at, at some point during the tour, uh, we do have some time off, so we are going to go to the Vatican and have hot dogs with the Pope.
Brother, no. In Chicago. If we in Chicago have a hot dog with the Pope.
You can't go back to the hood, dude.
Imagine they were like, this is the Pope, he's from O Block.
Fucking Chief Keef up there?
Yeah, dude. That's fire, though.
Hey, man, let's hope this is good for the Catholic Church. Because.
America as a whole ain't been doing so hot.
I wonder if he was doing his time in Chicago, like he was just like a pastor at like a, you know? I don't even know what a pastor is, to be honest with you, but like-
Yeah, I don't know-
He was a priest or something? I don't know that like the-
The pathway, Pope-
Yeah, like the, the, the track toward Pope ship.
Cause if you're a Cardinal, I'm assuming it's like, alright, you don't have to be at the little churches, we'll put you in a big church.
Well, I think that the Pope needs to be Cardinals. So like, it's like Cardinal is like Pope Junior.
So like then it's like, oh shit, there's an opening.
Maybe you could jump, like maybe like-
Bro, can you imagine how fucking mad you would be if you worked your whole life to be the Pope? And then it's open and then it's like, nope.
Someone else poked over me.
Someone else is getting poked first.
I'd be fucking tight. Also, apparently he had like, there's like betting odds on it.
And he had a 1% chance at winning at the beginning. Hunter.
Ants just lit up, the guy wearing a parlay-
1% chance of winning. Probably a lot of plus money there. Someone with insider trading, cause you know that's corrupt. Someone's probably like on the inside like-
Oh, well, yeah.
Robert from Chicago's gonna win the whole thing.
Listen up, listen up. You didn't hear it from me. You didn't hear it from me, but Wrigley is a great place during this time of the year.
And it's like, huh?
Damn, that's crazy. So all the Cardinals-
Yo, how hyped would you be if he sings Take Me Out To The Ball Game at like the next Cubs game?
I just want him to get at that, cause I'm used to the Pope just being so old that you could barely understand them and then they're all, they also like,
you know, I'm, I'm just, I'm just not expecting a 60-year-old fucking guy from Chicago out there.
You're not a very, I wouldn't define you by any stretch of the imagination as a religious person.
You couldn't tell from the last 20 minutes?
But if this guy-
In his first like meet, like official like press conferences Pope, if he does this, tell me if you're completely back in. If he's just like-
Feet up?
So my plan is by the end of the year, 20,000 Hail Marys. To supplement with an Our Father.
Like, how pumped would you be? And then he just like, cracks open, "A light strike!"
This is like, the perfect way to get out of a bad joke. He just go right to the light strike?
And just cracks it open.
I've done it twice so far.
And he's just like...
You know, like, hell, like when people crack open a, like a... What would he do if the Pope sat down with a 40? And like, just a...
He's not doing that.
Pack of cigs.
I don't even know, dude. I mean, him kicking his feet up would probably be enough for me. I'd be like, "Damn, this guy's really on to something." He's like, "We gotta change something. We gotta change this. The whole thing around. I don't know."
What if he, like, makes it... Will you go back to church if he was just like, at every Sunday Mass? Every person that comes in gets a hot dog.
And crinkle fries, I'll go.
And crinkle fries.
If he go, if he throws in a crinkle fry, I'll go. Best fry. I'm not having this conversation.
We don't need to, because all fries-
Best fry, go.
Mmm... Steak fry. Yep. Oh yeah.
I was gearing up to yell at you.
I'll go steak fries. I don't like, I, I think fries are one of the most overrated-
Steak fries?
I think fries, period, are overrated.
I remember you said that, you like onion rings. I think that shoe string fries, I would literally rather eat my legs.
Light strike!
Ladies and gentlemen, I think that is all we have for today. Uh, Frank, where can they find you?
Also, you guys, uh, like Frank said earlier, go to thebasementyard.com, uh, our shows are posted there. So, uh, if you're coming out to the shows also, don't forget to go to thebasementyard.com/submit and submit, uh, your stuff, uh, to, uh, our show. And sometimes, you know, we read those things out at the end of the show and we have conversations with people in the crowd, so, come out, come see your boys, uh, you know. Our time is gonna be split between the tour and the Vatican now at this point, so, uh, yeah. So come out to our shows, uh, go to thebasementyard.com, get tickets. And, yeah, that is all. See you guys next time.
Pink Pantheress here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences and personalised products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com
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