The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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14,432 words · 5 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. Slick back Frank sitting over there.
Slick, slick back boy. Slick back.
Slick, slick.
Slick back baby bitch.
Slip, well.
Slip back baby boy.
Baby back.
Slip, slick. Slip it back you baby bastard bitch.
Mad excited.
Slick back boy.
Slick back.
It's sleek and sleek.
A snake, you're a.
A snakey snakey snake.
It does look like you got your head like you're on a hog and she's blowing.
Oh, hair styled by wind? I would love that. I don't think that's ever happened to me.
You said that like it was a commercial, like get your hair styled by wind. Would you get on a motorcycle?
I've been on one and I'm against motorcycles. Yeah.
Were you on the back?
Yeah, it was my, I've told you this, I've been on twice. I've been on two motorcycles.
Hugging a man?
Yeah, which at the time for me was awful.
You were catching a dub back there. Cause you got it, he's.
I think that was more.
That's a bump your own that you're on. It was also one that like you hold on to like you're about to like squat and like take a piss or something like that.
Wait, what?
It was like the ones, there are certain ones where you could like hold on like this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but uh.
Were you doing that or were you like hugging?
I think one of them was a hug, one of them was a, one of those will hold on in the back because one of them was my uncle and.
Which one was he? You were hugging your uncle?
I was hugging my uncle.
Okay.
The other one was my ex-girlfriend's father.
And that one you were like?
Yeah, and you you remember who it is. You remember the
I actually know.
You know, you know.
And Dino was his name.
Oh, I could not hug him because he would have hit me.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, but yeah, it was like, have you been on a motorcycle?
No.
I I'm one of those people like, and it's it's one of the few things that my dad taught me that I think has value. And, uh, I
It's a crazy sentence, but okay.
No, there's there's a couple few other things.
There's eight.
But he's like known several people that have gotten, and we've known people that have gotten into motorcycle accidents. And he like, it was the first time I heard it. I think it's a very well-known, popular saying now, but it's just like, Frank, with motorcycles, it's not if you get accident, it's when.
Yeah.
You know, so my dad, like from an early age, he told, like legit said to me, he's like, I will support you anything you want to do. Well, I think he was really testing the boundaries there, but he's like, except for motorcycle.
Not doing that.
But if you were to ride a motorcycle, would you get one of these? Or would you get one of these?
I would get one of these. I'd get a I'd get a bike. I'd get a chopper. I'd get a bike.
But are you like these?
That's a chopper. You're talking like old Harley, you know, where, yeah.
Ying, ying, ying!
No, I can't do that because, bro, I I feel like I have less control of anything at this height and my shoulders would fucking give out.
It does feel not ergonomic.
Like, it it it just makes less sense. If I'm trying to control this thing, God forbid, something's happening and I need to control it. I feel like I have way better control here.
Than I do here. Like, whoa, whoa!
And like, let's be honest.
It it would kind of give people the ick. You know what I'm saying? Like if you
It's so dumb. Why do they do that?
And they like sit back and far back. So they're like this. They're like fucking.
How, how could that possibly be comfortable?
I don't know.
I get the other ones, cuz you're like.
I also like, there's something about lar- like, not large, but like loud motor vehicles that I wanna fucking lose my mind. Like, when, when someone drives by and they have like a, a souped up fucking Nissan Altima.
And the fucking, you know, like the exhaust like pops. You ever heard that where it's like? Keh, keh, keh, keh.
I'm just like, dude, you suck more than any other person I've ever met. You know what I'm talking about?
I hate it. So same thing with motorcycles. When motorcycles are just like, the louder, the better. You know what do they say? Like, the louder the purr, the bigger the lion, or some shit like that?
Just, I don't know any bikers, so I wouldn't know if that's right or wrong. No. The louder the purr, the bigger the lion?
Yeah, something like that.
I mean, it's not wrong.
Technically, right?
But I, I can't, I can't.
Yeah, no, I've never gone on a motorcycle. I would like to wear a helmet, though.
I did have, when I was a kid.
Like a blacked out helmet, you'd be like, tch. Like, you just shut it real quick.
Oh, when, when, when we were kids, my bike helmet was a motocross helmet.
Like bicycle?
You were wa- why do I not remember that?
Um, I don't remember.
You were riding a bicycle around in a motorcycle helmet?
Like a helmet that had like the mouthpiece and like the, you could only see the eyes. Which is smart, dude.
And you were taking it three blocks to the park?
Well, no, I used to ride it to see my girlfriend, Tyena.
Tyena?
Who the fuck is Tyena? I don't know Tyena.
Why are you upset? Oh my god.
Bro, I've known you my entire life. I've never heard of you having a girlfriend named Tyena.
When I was in sixth grade, there was a Puerto Rican girl in one of the classes named Tyena, and I used to ride my bike to Astoria Park. And we would like, look at each other from a distance, cuz her parents were super strict.
Did she know you guys were dating?
Don't do that, Ant.
It's a fair question at this point.
Don't do that. Yes, I wasn't just staring at this woman from a distance.
You just said you were.
Well, hold on.
That's the thing.
It was a consensual stare from a distance.
Right.
She-
Did she have like a pair of binoculars, like, oh?
Oh, I don't think it was that far.
She was looking out like Elizabeth Swan, like, where, where?
Like, I'd be like, I'd tell kids in like other classes, like, yo, let's meet at the park. And it's like, you remember like dating in like sixth and seventh grade is like, when you saw your girlfriend, it was like, you were on that side of the park, they were on that side of the park, and then you'd like see each other and just be like, what's up, girl?
Hello.
Hello?
That's fine, when she gets the water poured on her.
I say that 24/7.
Hello? So, you have no desire to get on a motorcycle? No, nothing?
Damn the motorcycle, Taina.
Oh, okay.
6th grade?
Where were you? Baccalaureate?
141.
Oh, 141. Yeah, no, I just, I was, I wasn't tapped into that.
I, I like, I had my first, like, real girlfriend going in, the summer going into 6th grade.
That was your first girlfriend?
No, no, no, she wasn't. It was a girl named-
Who was your first girlfriend?
Uh, we've talked about this briefly, but it was a girl that I went to summer camp with.
Randy.
Shit.
There was another girl named Nicole.
And, uh, maybe it was the year before, but her name was Nicole. She lived in Ireland.
That's fire!
And like, she was a real person, like, I knew her.
Yeah, I know.
She just went to another school in another country.
His first girlfriend lived in Ireland, his second one he used to look at from across the park.
No, so like 6th grade, I was just like, "Oh, girls think I'm cute," so I was just like, I was like dating, I was trying to date like, a bunch of guys as much as I could, yeah.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Who was your first, like, "You're my girlfriend, I'm your girl," I think I know the answer.
Does Jamie count?
Well, did you guys call each other boyfi girl?
No?
We like had a, it was like, we had a telepathic connection.
You just knew that you liked each other?
We crushed on each other.
Yeah, dude.
But like, we never said, I never, I've never in my life told Jamie that like, I had a crush on you.
You've said it more on this show!
That's how she knows. Well, she knew because everyone, all, everyone would tell her. But like, growing up, there was this girl from kindergarten to 5th grade, I've talked about it mad times on the show, this is insane now, but like, I had a crush on her through, like, elementary school, and like, I've never said it to her, but like, you knew, other people knew, her friends knew.
Everyone knew.
I was, I was putting it, I was putting it out.
You weren't not telling, like, it was the classic thing of like, telling your friends and just be like, "Just don't tell them."
Do you, so, my first girlfriend, did I tell this story on the show?
We've told years worth of stories.
In 6th grade.
Chances are, yes, chances are also possibly no.
My first girlfriend actually was that girl, uh, Samantha in 6th grade.
Yeah, I remember that.
But I, did I tell you about my friend Sean? How he like, made it happen?
I, I believe you have, but remind the people that are watching for the first time.
He literally just walked up- Cause I like, again, you don't tell the girl that you like, that you like them, you tell everyone around her.
Well, this is 2003, 2004.
How dare you tell a girl that you like them?
Insane. You tell the people around them and then you let it get to her and then you see what the reaction is.
Exactly. You let it, and then, and then it eventually gets, it's like water, like leaking in a wall. You don't need to pour the water on that spot in order to see the leak. The leak will find its way to the leak eventually.
The water will find its way to the leak eventually, and then eventually, you'll find out, yeah.
This is like what police departments do when they're trying to find a rat. Like, they put a, something out there.
Cheese.
And then it's like, oh, okay, now we gotta fight.
Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese. Peanut butter, cheese. Peanut butter and cheese.
Peanut butter. That works really well with rats.
Oh yeah, very well.
But, uh, my friend Sean knew that I liked this girl, and then he had heard from her, uh, consigliere that she liked me too. So he walked, he, at one point, it was like the end of a, a school day, and he's like, alright, you like him, he likes you, you're dating. And then we were dating.
And that was it.
That was nice. That's, that's how it was back in the day. I was not as, I wasn't as lucky as one of those situations. I, I had to be like so.
Oh, you had to.
I had to. It's like, so like, do you think like there's even, you know, like, if you, like, if you don't want to, like, it would be cool, like, you know, like, do you just like?
You probably hate me.
Yeah, I know you probably don't feel the same about me because like, everyone knows, but like, I have a crush on you. And like, would you even like wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend or something?
I feel like you would, you'd be like, I know that you think I'm a fucking idiot and like loser.
Oh yeah. I still do that with Becca now, what do you mean? Now I'll just be like, lying in bed, and sometimes I'll just be like, it's crazy you don't even love me. And she's like, where the fuck did this come from?
It's like, you feel differently about me.
Yeah, well, it happens. Uh, I have something for you. And I don't want you.
Is it a motorcycle?
It's, can you imagine a fucking bike just came in? I would get, I'd get like a Fast and Furious bike, then I would get a chopper.
Well, it would sit right there.
If I had a chopper, I would need to wear bandanas.
Yes. And you would need to have a very long mustache.
Which I don't, and I can't.
But you can get one.
You could do it too, look at you.
I know, but then my shit starts turning weird colors.
Also, if I ride a motorcycle, do I need to wear boots, or can I just do like sneakers?
Uh, you need to wear boots.
The hell no then.
Something needs to be leather on your body.
That's fair, that's fair, yeah. I would, whether it be a jacket.
Gloves too dude, it gets cold, your hands get cold in the wind.
Oh, hold on, now I'm in, I'm back in, I love gloves.
Cut-off gloves?
Yo, no, you don't need cut-off gloves for riding motorcycles.
Can I say something?
Uber drivers, you don't need cut-off gloves. What do you think you're doing? I got into a couple of Ubers in the last two weeks and there's been multiple drivers with cut-off gloves. I'm like, unless you're like bullying someone in the 90s, what are we wearing these for?
I don't understand that. I think that's like an old-timey like-
Cab driver thing.
Cab driver thing, yeah, like they would have like that cab driver hat and they'd, they'd have to have the, they'd go, "Where you going?" You know?
What do you need, a grip? What is this?
Well, you do need a grip to drive.
Hands.
I also think you're not allowed, is, some states might be like this and I, I could have heard this like wrong. I don't know if you're allowed to drive with gloves on.
Why not?
Because I think it like, it could affect your grip.
I could be wrong. And I honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, I probably am wrong.
I know that you can't drive shirtless.
I don't know, that's bullshit, maybe it's distracting?
That could be a good one, yeah. That could be a good one. Do you remember like the whole like-
You can't have women with their boobies out on the highway. People be flipping over their cars.
They would. They absolutely would. But I, so, just to, so we don't bury the lead here.
I got you something.
And, uh, by "I got you something" and got it, but I'm taking credit for it.
Okay?
Um, and hear me out before you jump down my throat. Before you're all in my throat, just fucking hear me out.
No, I'm not doing that.
Come on.
Doritos vodka? Is it vodka?
Yeah, I don't know, it, it doesn't specifically say.
Uh, it says-
It doesn't even say what it is?
It says, uh, Doritos X Empirical Batch 1. So this is like, this is like a collector's item right now, so you already got me into it. Um-
It doesn't say-
It should be collecting dust. Yeah, it doesn't say vodka, he's right. It just says base spirit.
I'll like take a little tiny sip.
And, and it says Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips Extract and then Yellow Dye Number 5.
Hold on, set it on the table. Why is there that much missing?
How much have you drank of that?
Those are the picky boys.
A lot of it.
Is it like for punishments?
Yeah, for punishments, yeah.
It's that bad?
It's not good.
It's not good at all. I mean, I, hear me out. I, you know I don't like vodka. I do like Doritos though. Favorite Dorito, right now, three, two, one.
Cool Ranch.
Ooh, okay, alright.
Or Sweet Chili?
I was gonna go with spicy nacho.
Bro, for those of you guys that don't know, the king of Doritos is Keith.
He has tried, and like, not even like-
Bro, I'll pull up on Keith sometimes and he has a bag of Doritos and it's a color that I don't even know is a color.
Like a pink bag of Doritos and we're like, what is this?
It's like a shade of green I've never seen before.
It's like, it's the cherry blossom flavor, it's exclusive to DC only, and it's like, Keith, how?
I walked there and got them.
Yeah, Keith is like, always been the Doritos king. Um, so I wonder what Keith has to say about this. Has Keith tried this yet, Ant?
No, I don't think so.
Okay, well, we're going to-
How are we gonna go to try?
Oh.
Oh no.
These are big, we're not, we're not, because you know I'm not-
First of all, I'm not even-
I'm not, I'm not drinking right now. So, we're gonna do a little, a little-
Like a, like a mouse sip.
But we have to smell it.
Well, you gotta do a little bit more than a mouse sip.
What's a mouse sip?
A rat sip?
A cat sip?
Oh yeah, I'm fine with that, no.
Have you ever drank water or anything like a cat?
Frank.
So many times, dude.
Of course I've drank-
So many times, alright.
I try to drink like a dog, sometimes. You ever watch a dog drink in slow motion?
I love how they cup their tongue back, they're like, ugh.
Yeah, and it's kinda dumb.
Does it smell good?
No, it doesn't smell that bad at all.
Alright, so pour some.
I've smelled way worse than this, alcohol wise.
Mm-hmm.
The distinction. I've smelled things worse than this.
That's a lot.
I mean, I'm, I'm just gonna take a sip.
Here you go, baby.
Thank you, mama. Wait, oh.
Um, let me, I'm gonna give myself significantly less. Still somehow the same amount.
What the hell does this smell like?
It doesn't smell that awful, so just so everyone is clear. Ant is on the other side of the camera, covering his mouth. Cause I think he knows what might happen.
I mean, you guys might like it, I, I, this is the worst thing I've ever-
Oh, you guys might, they won't, okay.
Well, hold on!
Hold on! Don't be so sure, you never know.
This is so weird, when I'm far away, it doesn't smell bad, when I get close, I'm like, that's alcohol, but far away, I'm like, what is that?
I can't really smell it like-
It smells kinda like, okay.
I've never had a, I don't think you could say it like that.
Can I say that?
I think.
I don't know what the hell that is. I guess I am getting a little Doritos in there.
I'm not getting any Doritos.
Alright, well.
You should probably pour a little more then.
No, no, no, no bitch. Nice try bitch.
Do you have any, what's the cool thing? Do we have a cool thing?
Para arriba, para abajo, para centro, para dentro.
Well, yeah, that one, but like, do you have like a different one where it's like?
Oh, where the one where it's just like, we like fucking, uh, there's, there's wooden ships, there's steel ships, but the best kinda ship is friendship.
I, there was one I saw on Love, Love is Blind, and it was like. Uh, I'm not below you, I'm not above you, but I'm right here with you.
That's kinda cute, but like, I hate the ones where like, it's just like. To fucking women's titties, and like, underneath is where their vaginas are.
What's the one where it's like, fuck him, fuck him and when they're dead or something?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was someone, that was a fraternity that I, not my fraternity, but a fraternity I knew someone was in. They were just like.
Forgotten.
For those that forgotten, dig them up and, it was like.
Fuck them rotten.
Fuck them rotten or something. It's like, why?
Yeah, it was something about necrophilia.
Why are we drinking and promoting necrophilia?
Yeah, it's kind of insane.
Alright, we'll just say cheers.
I would say one at a time, probably take it for a, just reaction wise.
Just reaction wise? Okay, I'll go first. Because this might, you might not take it after.
No, we're fine.
Okay, here we go. We're just gonna do it.
We're just gonna do it.
Do it.
We're gonna, yeah.
We're gonna on five.
Five.
Four. Three. Two.
Do, one.
Oh, he doesn't like it. I don't think he likes it.
Why are you, what is it?
It's.
God, hold on. You look like you're about to do a push-up.
How is it?
Oh god, hold on. It's, yeah.
It's not, it's got a bad after?
It's not, like, it doesn't taste bad, it's just...
Bad.
It's unlike anything I've ever tasted, so my brain is immediately like, "This is fucking poison."
It is.
It, but, the vodka part makes it poison.
Yeah, the old Polish poison, or Russian? I dunno.
Oh, wait a sec, hold on.
Oh, is she coming up?
She had a sex.
She's coming up from the basement?
She had a sex. She was down there playing video games and she might come up for a couple chicken tendies.
It's time for dinner, come upstairs!
God.
I think you should just finish that, right there.
Yeah, you think I should, right?
The, it lingers and gets worse, I'll say that.
Don't, don't peer pressure me.
It's not, it's not the worst thing I've ever tasted, but it's far from the middlest part I've ever tasted.
Middlest? Okay, let me give it a go.
Oh my god, that's disgusting, Frank!
It's bad.
That's not good.
I see why the... Oh my god, that's nasty.
I'm sorry, Ant, I'm not fucking with you here.
No, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm not.
I'll lock in for the people.
Yo, that's disgusting, Ant.
I'm seeing stars.
To me, it tastes like someone, like, when you threw up...
Threw up.
Doritos, yep.
Did I just drink throw up?
Did I drink, did I drink? Could I, could I?
Am I hammered? Did I just drink throw up?
That's the closest thing to drinking...
My mouth feels like I did throw up.
Yes.
My throat feels thrown up in. Or, I threw out.
Threw...
I threw out my throw up!
Threw out your throw up, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what it feels like, when you throw up in your...
Regurgitation is what you're looking for, that's the medical...
In the gest.
Nope, one of those causes the other.
I'll let you figure out which. Ant, just for... Shits and Gigs. Shout out to them. But... What was your reaction to fucking doing that?
I know that, oh yeah, gag, gag real hard. Do you gag, or do you throw up?
I gag.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How many gags is, equals a throw up?
Yeah, do you often throw up?
Do you gag throw up, or is it gag gag gag gag gag? I'm good.
Probably the fourth one, it'll start to be like, oh no, I can't have one more gag.
So a fifth gag is when you-
It might be, yeah.
You girl.
That's, that's, that's, I can see, fo- four gags is a lot, because you have prolonged gags, too.
Yes, cuz I've stopped eating Doritos when I'm drinking, cuz I've thrown them up once and it was the worst tasting thing ever.
Oh, no.
And then that brings it right back, so I don't.
That's how I feel about cheese doodles. I love cheese doodles, but as a four-year-old, I threw them up and I just can't look at them the same.
Really?
Puffed or crunchy?
I like both. If you ask me what I am going to bring to the cookout, it's gonna be puffed.
Yeah, puffed is better.
But like cheese doodle brand. I'm not like, puffed, like other brands-
What about balls? You like balls?
No, the Utz balls suck, dude.
You don't like cheese balls?
No!
I love cheese balls.
We keep talking about balls, my aunt's gonna start to gag.
I, they're just like, okay, because I've never, ninety percent of those that I've had have been stale.
So it's such a small window-
A fresh pack of balls?
A fresh, fresh pack of cheese balls is out of control.
Oh my god, I love a fresh pack of balls.
But also like, good old, fresh, crunchy, you know what I love doing with cheese doodles? You're gonna love this, cuz you're a freak with food. I love putting it on my tongue, and then like, I'm in like, a video game level. You know those levels that's like, you need to run through the things, but it's like, it's gonna smush them, or like, go like that, that way?
I just shove my tongue as far to the roof of my mouth, and I crush that cheese doodle like it's my little bitch.
So hard to follow what you said.
Why?
But you're talking about a crunchy one?
Yeah. No, I'm talking about a puff one.
Oh, and you go, eh?
I go, I like, send it to its doom. I like, just shove it on my tongue-
And its doom is the top of your mouth?
And the doom is the getting crunch in the top of my mouth.
And you remember those video game levels as kids? Where it was just like, you need to run through a maze-
You get like, smashed?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Crash Bandicoot had a ton of those.
Sure. Super Mario, Donkey Kong.
I don't remember many in Super Mario, Donkey Kong either.
The, the rocks that come down.
Thwomp!
Very good.
That was not bad, right? First time I've ever even tried that. Gimme one.
One what?
A thwomp.
Do it?
I don't know what it sounds like.
Oh, so you're just talking about something that you don't know about?
I know it, I don't know the sound.
I did it once, I don't wanna fuck up. It was actually not that bad.
Stay out on top, baby.
Anyway, Pope died.
Pope's dead, dude.
Speak of El Papa with a little more respect, Joey.
Ding dong, the Pope is dead.
Don't do that, don't-
Brush your eyes, get out of bed.
Don't do that!
That's a song celebrating the death of the wicked witch.
That is true.
A lot of people-
No, the Pope was a good Pope, apparently he was a good guy.
This dude was cool with like, he's like, "Yo, gay people, I'm cool with them, dude."
Yeah, he was like sick.
Not that that speaks to me specifically, but I like that he is like a loving Pope.
A loving Pope.
Not like gatekeeping Catholicism or God.
I don't wanna Pope that's like, "Yo, just straights."
That's, bro-
Like, get the fuck outta here.
Not fun.
Yeah, make this shit gay-er than it is.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude.
Yeah, get a little fucking gay.
I think, you know, speak more respectfully of El Papa?
Oh no, I was just making a little song.
I hear you. Is your mom okay?
My mom?
Your mom is alright?
She's not that Catholic. My grandma would be distraught right now.
What did your grandma do when PJP went down?
It's a good question. When did he go?
2008 or something like that?
Oh, so that was like four years before she went. She probably didn't even know that was going on, honestly.
Really? She was that far gone?
I mean, her eyes started going near the end, so I don't know if you could even watch the TV.
What is the end though? Is that the last year, three, four, five?
Well, that's the thing, I don't know.
I mean, PJP was, he was, like, a lot of people believed he was the icon. And then after him, remember there was the-
Benedict?
Benedict. I remember him because of the eggs.
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Yeah, or I always think of Benedict Arnold and I'm like, is this guy a traitor or is he a good Pope? I don't know. Didn't we have a bad Pope though? There was a Pope who was investigated. It was Benny?
I think it's Benny.
Benny?
I think Benny was in a little bit of hot water.
Listen, man.
I also think that there might have been some loose ties to like Nazis.
What?
That I was not expecting at all.
I think, I think there might have been. I don't want to speak ill of the fallen Popes.
I mean, nothing's gonna happen to you.
That's crazy, just sitting there and just putting a fucking flag in the ground of what he feels about the afterlife. I don't know.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm in the middle, I'm agnostic, I'm not sure.
First of all, the Pope isn't God.
He's like, his boy, dude.
They're boys.
That's like, that's his consigliere. That's the hand to the God.
Hmm, no, the Holy Spirit. What is the Holy Spirit? Do we have a?
You tell me. You've been confirmed, correct, confirmation?
I did get confirmed. I got confirmed and to me, the Holy Spirit is just like a, you know.
I think it's more of like a feeling.
Spirit?
Like a, like a, it's, you know.
Listen, I got no problem with, with.
I was raised Catholic.
Yes, you were, quite.
And I'm not saying anything bad about the Pope. All I am saying is that he has passed away.
Did your mom sing the hymns?
Frank, I don't know the last time you went to church, but some of the hymns are bangers.
Oh my God.
I just wish, I.
Do you know the hymns?
Not really.
And he will raise you up on eagles' wings.
Eagles' wings?
Something on the breath of dawn. And you to rise like the sun. And hold you in the palm.
Of his hand. Shit is a banger dude. Shit is a banger.
I was focusing way more on my snaps than what you were saying. It sounded pretty good though.
Yeah, no, they got some shit over there. They know how to, they got melodies.
I will say, putting eagles' wings in there was smart, because if they were just like, he will lift you up on like pigeons' wings, I'd be like, you lost me.
Pigeons is crazy.
You lost me, but like going with eagles?
You, you, but like you go to a Greek church, maybe they say like Pegasus' wings or something?
Well, that's mythology.
Yeah, but like.
The Greek churches like are not being like, oh hell, Zeus for when he struck down, you know, Cronos.
You guys read like books about Medusa and shit?
We guys don't do anything. I haven't been to church in god knows how long. I remember Greek, bro, Greek Orthodox, from what I remember of it, was just, it was shiny as hell.
Shiny?
Shiny dude.
What shiny?
Everything. Everything was shiny. Bro, gold everywhere, bro.
Fire.
And it was a lot, it was like shiny and then white, because there was just like marble everywhere.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah. Bro, the Greeks know how to church.
Yo, churches are beautiful.
Bro, mad nice. When we were in Dublin, I walked into a church over there. Just to see, anytime I'm like somewhere and I see a cool church. I'm more inclined to be like, let me go in, but like.
When I see one here, I'm just like, alright, it's a church, but like.
Nah, bro, you got, do you ever walk into St. Patrick's Cathedral?
Yeah, that shit is nuts.
Bro. The churches, the church knows how to build a building.
They know what they're doing.
If nothing else, they know how to build. They got architects.
Listen, they know what they're doing.
Did you go into, did you go by Notre Dame, Notre Dame?
Of course.
Was that cool?
It was cool.
Damn.
Very cool. It was open. I walked through it. They have a bunch of shit in the back. They have a bunch of dead people in there too, I think. Like tombs or something?
Catacombs. Oh, good word, the branding.
Makes it a catacomb. Is that just like it's underground?
I don't know, don't care. I will say this. I do think it's crazy that people like, you can like bet on like.
The new pope.
The new pope. Like, is the new pope gonna be a person of color? Is the new pope?
They got a black pope up there.
Are they gonna? We could be, we could have a Black Pope. I didn't even know that that was like a thing that like, I, I fit, you would figure those, you know, an old traditional thing like that is a little racy.
Yeah, they don't strike me as a very welcoming group.
Black Pope.
Have you ever had a Black Pope?
I don't know. Ant's gonna have to do some digging on the Pope.
He's like, no way.
I don't know if we've ever had a Black Pope, but.
Have you, was your mom and grandma, when he like came here, were they like, we need to go see him?
The Pope?
Your Papa.
Nah, I mean.
Not even PJP?
I didn't even know the Pope even came to New York. What was he doing here?
Bro, the Pope Mobile is like a, it's a famous vehicle.
I, I know that, that, I thought he just drove around the Vatican. I didn't know that he would like come to New York. Where's he going, Carbone?
Like, what's he doing here?
Well, he goes to churches and stuff. He'll go, he'll be like, yo, I'm doing a.
He does like a tour?
I'm doing a one hour set at St. Patrick's. Come see me, you know, might be some special guests.
You know?
I might pull out Moses and shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's maybe what they should do with the next Pope. Like, they should promote it as like, a comedy tour, you know what I'm saying? It's just like, and they'll call it things like, the Pope, maybe I'm blessed on tour, 2025, you know?
I like that.
And it's just like 80 cities worldwide, you know, tickets available, you know, just, three prayers.
Now that I think.
In order to get in, you gotta.
Um.
Like, show us your Hail Mary at the door and you get a VIP entrance or something.
There's no, uh, like when you're going through security, it's pearly gates.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They get through, um.
The security isn't like patting anyone down. They're just going like, alright.
Great. They're only selling holy water.
We're, we're still going.
We could keep going, honestly.
We're selling hosts.
We can keep going. Greg will be up there. He'll be the producer and he'll like throw the Eucharist out at the end of the show.
You ever had one of those?
Yeah, did you see, I saw someone-
You stole one when you came to church with me?
Hell yeah. I saw someone recently like made one that was like, they made it in like mac and cheese and they were just like the crunch of Eucharist or something like that.
That's bananas. That's a little even, maybe a little more blasphemous than I'm comfortable with.
I'm not doing it. I'm just saying someone else did, Joey.
Someone else did do it, which is, which is the issue.
So, do you think, if your grandmother were alive today, which just to cover the basics for those of you guys that have missed it, she isn't.
Do you think she'd be like, what would her reaction be? Alright, you be-
I'll be my grandma?
I don't remember your mother's maiden name, and don't say it on the show, just in case people, you know, start looking-
Track her down?
Yeah. But like, Grandma Joey.
You're her, okay?
Hey Grandma, did you call her Grandma? Do you call her Memma? Do you call her Bim Bom?
Grandma.
Bim Bom?
People, people get crazy.
Yeah, no, we call her Grandma.
We go, so alright, so, I'm you.
Go ahead.
You're Grandma Joey.
Go.
Just be like, "Hey Grandma, how you doing?"
Good.
"How's everything going?"
Good, I just walked 10 miles to the supermarket.
Okay. "It's only down the block Grandma."
I got lost.
Okay. "Hey Grandma, I have some bad news for you." Now, I need you to act here Joey.
We don't know who's watching. Spielberg might be watching. Pull it together.
He is.
Pull it together.
Okay, I'm my grandma.
Seriously. I'll be you, I'll, I'm gonna act straight too. Like, straight, like, I'm gonna-
You know what I mean?
Yeah dude.
Alright?
Put on your best straight performance.
I'm gonna be my best like-
Okay, I'll be my grandma.
Joey, alright?
How old am I grandma?
Uh, I, what year was she born?
Use that for context. What did she live through? Did she see WWII?
She's seen everything.
Did she see Korea?
I don't know, honestly.
Not the place.
She was born in like 29, I wanna say.
Oh, that's crazy. My grandmother was 26. Um, it does nothing-
There's no relation there.
Okay. Alright, so 1929-
No, I'm saying like, what age am I? Am I like near the end grandma?
Alright, so, uh, if she was born in 29, that means she was what, 63 when you were born or something like that?
Frank, whatever.
Yeah. So-
I'll be my grandma. Ready, go.
Okay. Grandma, uh,
I have some bad news for you.
My mom's gonna be really mad at me.
Oh shit.
I'm joking, I'm joking.
I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking.
No, no, no. My mom's gonna kill me.
She's gonna be so pissed off.
Oh my fucking god. God almighty.
It wasn't even like that.
My bad, I'm sorry. My bad, bro. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm joking.
Oh my god. Oh god almighty, that was good.
No, no, no. Okay, be serious, be serious. Do it again, do it again.
You gotta rein me back in now.
I know, I know.
Straighten me out, come on.
Okay. What are we doing this for? What am I doing?
For us?
No, but like, what am I?
Spielberg.
No, no. What is the situation? Why am I reacting?
I'm telling you that the pope died.
Oh, she, I actually have no idea.
Joey.
Alright. Grandma.
I don't know how to say this.
The pope is gone.
Where'd he go?
Hopefully to heaven.
He's died.
He's died?
He's died. He's done died.
Well, you know how they say, that could be the proper way, because you know how they say like, "he is risen"? That doesn't make sense to me, but it makes sense to them. So like, "he is died."
Oh, you said "he is died"?
Well, "he's" is an abbreviation of "he is."
True.
I'm so sorry. I hate to break the news to you.
But here's the thing, I don't think my grandma really cared about the pope like that. She like...
What does she love more then?
God?
Hey grandma.
God died.
Oh shit, oh shit! Listen, we have sponsors. Uh, sorry grandma, oh man, I'm in big trouble. Big, big, big, big, big fat trouble about that.
Your mom won't see it, she won't see it, she won't see it.
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So you're going to tell me your grandmother didn't, like she had no reaction?
No, I don't think so, no. Well, we're, we're past that at this point, I need to talk about this. A local pizzeria, where was this, doesn't matter, who cares, make up a town.
Bim, Bim Bom.
So a local pizzeria in Bim Bom, there was someone who came in and they ordered a Miller Lite and then the people at the... Okay? I just not laughing.
Great beer by the way, I stand by it.
You love Miller Lite?
Love Miller Lite.
This woman ordered a Miller Lite and then it came to the table and it was a Bud Light.
So, right, oh.
Careful, careful. Uh.
But they-
Where was this? Because the city might actually mean something now.
Yeah, I don't know.
Huntsville, Alabama.
That's actually a progressive part of Alabama.
Oh, well, I love the people of Huntsville. I don't know.
I think it's like up and coming. Um, but, so there was like this, this story where, uh, they brought over a Miller Lite and then it- Or they ordered a Miller Lite, they got a Bud Light and they didn't want to really bring it up, but then a friend was like, oh, you should say like, you know, whatever. They were just kind of like, oh, you know, this is the wrong beer. I actually ordered a Miller Lite. So it was like that. Then when they got their bill, there was the pizza that they ordered, the beer, and then a five dollar bitching fee.
Oh shit!
Which is like, when I first heard this story, I'm like, yo, I'm on board with putting bitching fee on, on people's like orders. That's not a bitching fee.
I mean, gotta be careful. That is, I mean, if you're giving that to a woman, there's, there's something there that is not really cool.
Giving what?
A bitching fee to a woman. It's kind of, it could be a little-
Unless they're bitching.
Derogatory. I mean, you could just be, how about asshole? I feel like asshole is pretty gender neutral.
I mean, if, a dude can be a bitching fee.
I agree.
Anyone who's being an asshole in an, in a restaurant, especially if you're being an asshole to the waiter and you're like disturbing other people's, you should get a fee. Oh, I am, I just want to make this very clear. I am fully in agreement.
Yeah, that's not a bitching fee.
I mean, yeah, no, the, what this person clearly did, it sounds like they were just like, listen, like, I'm sorry, you know, which honestly is the, as the, the person working there should just be like, you know what? My bad. Like, this is on me.
And then give, or, or be like, yeah, okay. And then bring them another one that's on them, you know, on you, on the house or something. But like-
I think if you make a mistake and someone brings up a mistake, I don't think that's bitching.
Yeah, I don't think it's bitching either, but I think that there are instances that do call for bitching that 110% require, like, and a bigger fee than five bucks.
Yeah, I think if you're disturbing people-
I'll be honest, disturbing the peace, DTP?
What are you pointing at me?
You remember disturbing the peace?
Ludacris's like group?
Um, I think if something is bad enough, I will take a five dollar charge in order to raise hell. I think a bitching fee should be like-
No, it's tiered.
A hundred percent tiered?
It needs to be like, minimum though, minimum, ten percent of the bill. Because if you go, bro, if you do a ten dollar and I'm buying four hundred dollars worth of food at a restaurant?
Whatever.
You got it.
But if I see that my bitching fee cost me ten percent of the bill? And that bitching fee should go to the individual that got fucking in-
Bitched at.
Bitched at, yeah.
I, I, I really can't see, unless the waiter was being, was like name-calling and being like disrespectful in that way, I can't think of a reason why someone would stand up in a restaurant and be like, and like throw their, uh, napkin down and be like, "This is unacceptable." Like, I can't think of a reason why that would happen.
I used to love this establishment. When establishment-
I come here all the time and spend money.
I don't give a fuck, bro. I saw one of those the other day in real life.
I can't.
Real life white privilege from a Karen.
And I had to like, I had to like remove myself. We went to go take the kids to take pictures with the Easter Bunny? And this woman, we were in the line for like the timed fucking slots, you know, like the appointments? And the other woman was in a line that it's just like, you run the ri- like, we'll get to you, but like, these are our priorities.
And she's like, "I've been coming here since he was a baby. I, this is not how things are done around here." And it's just like, "In what world do you think that is going, if anything, personally, I am going to go out of my way to make it harder on you."
I just don't like that. "I come here all the time and spend money."
"I pay your salaries."
Um, Frank.
Don't even get me fucking pissed off at that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Excuse me?
Yeah. I can understand it on like a government level when it's like, you know, like elected officials.
Any sort of bitching though, I, I like.
You don't like bitching?
I don't.
You would rather like if someone, if you saw like spit in your food, you'd just be like, I'm gonna eat this? I know, I know, I know.
That's a little crazy, but like.
It would be very difficult for me. I, I, I don't think I have it in me to like stand up in a public place and like. You know, whatever. If, if something's happening to me, I can see that happening if someone's being disrespectful, like if we were out. And the waiter was being a dick to you, or being a dick to another table or something. Then I would be more inclined to be like, what the fuck? But if someone's doing it to me, I'm just gonna either remove myself and say fuck off, or like, I'm not gonna stand up and make a scene though.
Bro, also. You need to acknowledge, if you're one of those people that bitches at people, like service people, and you're with a larger party. They're fucking collateral, dude. You're now, you're now ruining, you're potentially putting everyone at that table at risk. So yeah, if I'm with you hypothetically, you wouldn't do this, but hypothetically, if a situation like that happened where it's like me and you were out. And you started bitching, I'd be like, yo, you're fucking, now there's gonna be spit in my food.
Because you're, you're a bitcher by association.
Now, exactly. Now we're bitching.
Now it's not.
Like they're bitching.
They won't say like, the guy at table six, they'll say, table six.
Is bitching.
And I can't have that because then, then. We're all done. We're all, we're all getting spit in our food, you know, or, or we're all. You know, paying for it. Bro, that's another thing.
Ah.
If we're going out to an establishment, I know you don't do this now, neither do I, but like, people will split the bill.
There's a bitching fee.
If there's a bitching fee, I'm like, yo, you're paying that.
You gotta pay the fee.
I'm not paying your fucking five dollars.
You're the one who bitched.
You bitch, bitch?
And I don't like that.
Me neither. I don't like that at all. I'm not splitting a bitching fee.
What do you think is like the worst tier bitching? Because there's a level of like, this person just won't pay this.
I'm even okay in certain places in intimate restaurants. You being like, fellas. You're being a little loud. Chill out.
Oh, just with like laughter?
Not laughter. Like.
Just noise, like you're very loud, bro. Like, there's other people around.
I mean, I think, yeah, I could see that because if you're not matching the vibe of where you are.
By the way, this is coming from a person who grew up in a family that is
Loud.
Very loud.
And I hated being at a restaurant with like my, my family and then our like uncles and aunts and stuff. And I'm like, I feel so bad for everyone in here.
Well, then you need to read the, if you're, if you have a loud family and you're going out to dinner, you need to be a good tipper. You can't do like, oh, I'm just gonna like tip normal. If, like, whatever you're doing is putting the people on that staff in some form of pressure, you have to acknowledge that you need to be a better tipper.
Yeah, I mean, my family wasn't like, they're not assholes. They're just loud people.
Yeah, just in, bro, same.
Very nice to the staff, like tipers, like whatever, but like, not, just not quiet.
Bro, my mom, I love this woman to death. Going out in public with her to like a restaurant or a store or anything where there could be a minor inconvenience on her, it's bad. Bro, for my, Becca threw me a surprise party, like, not a surprise party, it was like a surprise dinner for my 25th birthday with my family. And my mom, we ordered a bunch of small plates. We were at Elm City Social in New Haven.
We ordered a bunch of small plates, but like, you know, the idea is like, when you order small plates for everyone to share, like, unless if no one else is getting a main, then bring it out all at the same time. But if people are also getting mains, bring those out first. Yo, you would have thought that someone like smacked me in front of my mom the way she was. She was furious, bro. And, no, I need them to, and I'm like, mom, you have to, you have to stop.
You know what I don't like too? When like, there's something wrong with the food or whatever, and the waiter's right here and you're telling me what's wrong with the food and they're standing right there.
Tell them.
Not tell them. Wait till they leave and then say it to me. I don't want to be here. You talking to me? And then you're like, no, this is like, ew, this, what is that? That looks, the guy's right here. Wait till he leaves.
Then say it.
I, I am in full support of a bitching fee. I think it shouldn't be a dollar amount. Unless it's like, you know, ordering one beer.
That's fucked up.
That makes sense.
That's not a bitching fee.
No, she didn't deserve that.
No. And if there's something wrong with your food, or you get the wrong beer, or whatever the case is, and you're like, hey, I'm sorry, I actually ordered this thing. No bitch.
Your mistake. Oopsie.
But also you need to acknowledge, like, is it worth it for you? You know what I mean? Like.
I will say this. You eat the food. And then you bitch.
Now you're getting a bitching fee on top of that.
You don't get to eat the food and bitch at that bitch.
You're getting a double bitch fee, baby.
You'll be two bitches at the same time.
I'm just, I think. In that situation, clearly wasn't pitching.
Personally, I will just drink the, the Bud Light, you know? Sounds like this person had an issue with Bud Light.
Let's, let's, and let's say it right now. Bud Light, Miller Lite? Same thing.
Pretty similar.
I don't have the taste buds to go like. Yeah, that's the original light beer. You know?
Every light beer is slightly rest.
Slightly less or more tasting like rust.
Hmm, it's a good way to think of it. You know, maybe we should like.
Rusty water.
We should do like a taste test of something to see like, cause I don't think I can taste the difference between Coke and Pepsi.
I could definitely taste it.
I mean, I, I, I'm just giving you an example. I, I think I can, but I'm saying.
Waters.
Yeah, like, oh, oh, this is Aquafina, this is.
Not a chance in fuck.
You know, I don't, Fiji.
Yeah, no.
You know, smart water. I don't, I don't think I could.
No way. Beers? Maybe.
So are you on board with what I'm saying? Here's what I, here's what I propose to all. Restaurants, bars, whatever, people that serve food, basically. Or drinks.
If there is a bitching fee, it needs to be clearly tiered. It needs to be tier one, tier two, tier three.
And you get a warning.
And you get, of course, everyone gets one warning.
One warning, one more again.
Just want to let you know, you are approaching tier one, DEFCON one bitching fee.
You could, you could potentially be incurring a fee.
Yeah. And then it needs to be a percentage of the bill.
I would need some sort of description as to why.
Okay, the, the warning, like I warned you and now you've entered the bitch zone.
Now you're, right.
Like now there's nothing I can do, I'm sorry, but the, the, the charges will be charged.
Now you're in bitch zone level one.
Keep it up.
And there's a bitch zone level two coming.
And then you're in double bitch territory.
And so help me.
You don't want the three-headed bitch.
If you get the Medusa bitch?
Then we're in trouble.
Cerberus.
Cerberus had three dog, yeah, I was gonna, honestly, originally, it's a Greek dog. Uh, originally, I was gonna go Hydra, but Hydra, no, famously, you know the saying, go ahead.
Cut one, two, grow back.
Cut off one head, two more shall take its place.
Wait, who's Cerpa? What'd you say?
The three-headed dog in Greek mythology, also Fluffy from Sorcerer's Stone.
Fluffy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shout out to Hagrid, by the way.
By the way, they're coming out with a show.
Hype.
Day one.
Who's, who's the Hagrid? I forgot, it was good.
Nick Frost. From Shaun of the Dead?
Oh, that's a good one.
That's a great one, dude.
It's a good one.
Yeah, I, I, people have been upset because.
Black Snape.
Basically, yeah, because here come, here come the racists, AKA some of J.K. Rowling's most diehard fans, um.
They're not racist, they're transphobic.
Yeah, but there's some other stuff in there too, you know?
There's probably some crossover there too. You never know.
The Venn diagram of hate, kinda.
Yeah, I think, uh, you're either on the team or you're off the team.
Yeah. Uh, but yeah, uh, uh, I, I forget, I don't want to butcher the actor's name that's playing Snape. Because it would be insensitive to them, but like, I'm excited to see what they could do.
Bro, I'm fucking hyped for a Harry Potter show, dude.
Dude.
I love Harry Potter.
And, uh, you know, why, let's think of it like this, alright? I'm gonna, here's my, hey, do you have that soapbox before that you were standing on before, do you mind if I have it?
I think it's over by you.
Alright, cool. If we wanna go like acting wise, you know, like who's gonna act, I don't wanna spoil anything about Snape for those of you guys that haven't seen or read the books. But like, this actor's gonna bring some real world gravitas. This is someone that has had to probably endure some real world bullying and racism in their life. So like bringing that to the role, this Snape might fucking, no disrespect to Alan Rickman.
Might be pretty good. Rest his soul. Rest his soul. Do it Alan Rickman right now. Come on.
That's, that's all.
Not even a single line?
Potter.
I, I know that you were asking me to do it because you wanted to do it, so I was just trying to get there for you.
Fame isn't everything, Potter.
You, you know what's crazy? Through all those movies, not one of the students ever was like, "Come on, just fucking say the sentence." I'm watching the movie and I'm like, "Talk faster Snape, like just get to the thing."
Yo, Snape would not have lasted in like a Bronx high school, because he'd be like, "Alright, everyone, shut up." And someone would stand up and- Suck my dick! Eat my dick, eat a Frank, Snape. Someone would stand up and toss a textbook at Snape. Yeah, 100%. Fame isn't-
Alright!
Talk faster!
Oh, and chances are Malfoy would have been just, absolutely had the shit kicked out of him.
I don't mean to do this whole Harry Potter thing again, but like, someone explain to me this shit, right? You go to school, and I know you guys don't have the answers, but you go to a school, you open the textbook, and like, learning a spell. How fucking hard can it be? It's a word and this. Why are we making it seem like this is hard?
Well, I think that there's probably instructions and like, there's probably more magical, like the essence, like you need to feel it, like the way you stand. And like, your foot is off, and like, as, as, as much as like a swish and flick, I mean, look at what Seamus did. He blew up his face.
That's what I mean. How is that, how is that happening? How bad do you have to be to blow up your fucking wand?
I think the same way that you have to like, know like, general mathematic arithmetic, like you can't just look at something and go, "I know it all now." You need to be able to apply it.
It's one word.
You also need to remember hundreds of spells. Where they should be like, "Yo, can you get that for me?" And you're just like, "Uh, Lumos? I don't remember." You know what I mean? Like, you need to be able to recall that information quickly.
It's called memorization. How hard is that?
For a lot of people, it's very difficult.
Have you ever tried to hit a target with a rented paintball gun compared to like a professional one?
That's a great point. Ants on point duty today, let me tell you.
So the wands are like the strong, like the, that's pretty much how the spells go out.
But they all have, but they all have good wands.
No, they all have.
Ron recently probably has some dogshit wand.
Well, when they like share wands and shit, you know, when like fucking Ron is like using so-and-so's wand and shit like that, but like, they all have their own wands.
I'm pretty sure it's like a class system, like the, like the richer kids have good wands, like the, obviously the professors, but I think some kids have bad wands.
Well, some of them might have hand-me-down wands, but I think that like, it's like part of the curriculum that like, "You need to get these books, you need to get these wands." So like, here's like a voucher for Olivanders where like, "Buy the wand, bring us, give them the voucher, bring us the stamp and we'll give you 95% of the money required."
But didn't that dude say like, "The wand chooses you?" So if you're just like a bitch, then like, you're gonna get in there and get some whack wand. Cause it's like, that's the one that's calling for you.
That's true. That's true.
That's a good point.
You'll never be a good wizard.
I really wanna go to Harry Potter world. I know we talk a lot about Harry Potter on this show for some reason.
I love that shit. And I also wish it was real. I would love a wand and I would love to just like...
Well, the convenience of life would just be out of control.
Although not being able to use magic until you were 17 or 18.
I'd be totally cool with not having a wand, can't do any of that, but riding around on a broomstick would be something I would do.
That's magic. You can't do it unless you're 17 or 18.
Frank, I'm 33.
I, I'm saying like, leading up to that point, you know?
Oh yeah, whatever. But I would like to be on a broomstick or even better, on a big dragon thing.
A hippogriff. Let me tell you.
That thing.
Let me tell you.
Get me a hippogriff. I, me and Buckbeak, like, fucking this, son.
You know what I'm saying? Close as hell.
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I mean, I don't know if that's the thing to say.
I don't know. Whatever that means. A body in the summer is what it is.
A body in the summer? Uh, well, and don't forget, folks, just be on the lookout. We are rapidly approaching dog sucking season.
Deceiving.
We are. We're getting close. And, oh, fuck.
Stop.
Let's keep you.
Frank, Frank, got me, Frank. You got Franked. You've been Franked.
Keep you on your toes, bitch. Yeah.
He was loading that up for about four minutes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All for that. Did you say to him, you're like, what are you gonna do?
That's exactly what.
He loves that. You might like that part more than the prank.
Probably, honestly. Watch this, watch this. I even tried to whisper to him.
Watch this, watch this.
This season, I think last year, we coined it, we agreed that, uh, the, the, the, this season, dog sucking season, the topic, uh, excuse me, the theme is gonna be, this year, the dog sucks you. So stay on the lookout. We will have, uh, some more information coming.
Will we? I don't even.
We will. Don't worry about it.
This year, the dog sucks you.
This is, this is season four of dog sucking season.
Uh huh.
You know, we've gone through some incredible iterations. Um, you know, we, we, we are innovators of.
Of hot dog content on the internet. And I think we need to continue to maintain the, this, um...
The suckage of the dogs.
Not only the suckage of the dogs, but everything around, the power behind the suckage of the dogs. Because I think people know and respect us now as quality suckers of dogs.
Yeah. That's the thing.
I, I, so we-
If we don't get a fucking hot dog sponsorship-
Yo, it is crazy. It is, it is-
I just wanna drive the truck.
It doesn't even need to be that. It just needs to be like, "Bro," and all respect to him, because I love the show and I love him. Uh, the guy that played Kevin in The Office, Brian Baumgartner, I think, forgive me if I'm butchering his name. He got a deal with Bush's baked beans for chili, dude.
He's the biggest mover of chili in the modern century.
He is the chili guy.
Are we not the biggest movers of hot dogs in modern century?
Are we? I don't know if we are, but I'd like to be.
And I'm not even saying in consumption-wise, because I understand Joey Chestnut. He has, he has his records- He's got, you know, yeah, there's some-
Didn't they just kick him out, though?
I think there's some stuff there, yeah. Oh, well, because I think like something happened.
Well, he like took a deal.
Well, Netflix was just like, "Yo, come, come suck the dogs with us."
Yeah, and Nathan's like, "Bro, if you're gonna suck with them, you can't suck with us."
Yeah. I'm just saying, I do think that we are-
We're up there.
We're up there, dude.
Who else is peddling hot dogs like us? I would love to see, and this is a serious thing, since we've started discussing dog sucking season. I would love to see the hot dog sales numbers in the United States. Do me a favor, Ant.
Alright, now you're getting crazy.
Do me a favor, try to find that. I just think that there is, just look up dog sucking, no, don't do that.
Look up hot dog sales in the US by year.
I'm pretty sure you can cross-reference dog sucking season and hot dog sales in this Google Trends thing. Never mind, give me a second.
Just, just do what you gotta do. Dog sucking season, we know when we started talking about it. I just think it's time. Listen, I stand up for us, Joey. I'm very passionate about this.
I can see it in your face.
I think that we as people have done nothing but try to give back to the hot dog community, and it has given us so much.
Despite all of the bad press that has gotten this year, human DNA in the hot dogs, not gonna slow it down. Not gonna slow it down. Not gonna slow me down.
It takes 25 minutes off your life. If I live in a world where hot dogs kill you, I'm ready to die tomorrow. You know what I'm saying? And they don't.
They might.
We don't, we don't know.
You don't know until you're gone. That's the thing.
I don't even know that either. I'm just saying, how could we?
Has there ever been an autopsy where they open you up and then they're like?
And they go, "Hot dog."
You know? Oh, god, hot dog.
I mean, maybe if it was like choking or something.
But like.
Choked on a hot dog.
Bro, this, there's this fucking guy that has a ponytail that has, uh, he's had a Big Mac every day for the last like forty years or something like that.
And he's got a ponytail?
He's got a ponytail.
And he's been eating cheeseburgers every day?
Every day.
What's this guy smell like?
Probably what you would expect, a guy that eats every day a Big Mac.
Beef and piss.
Yeah, and probably stale hair.
You know what I'm talking about.
I actually do know.
I'm just saying, what he has done for the Big Mac, I think you can make the argument, we have done that for hot dogs.
With a little help.
From you guys.
We're begging now at this point.
We've, the, the people that watch the show and have supported us consistently, go out and buy hot dogs and send us pictures of hot dogs and tag us in hot dog related content.
It's actually, you know, hilarious that like during the summer, a lot of my DMs are pictures of hot dogs.
I love it. I don't see, I don't get those, but people tag me, I see the tags on Twitter or something.
Oh, yeah, that too.
I don't, I, I really don't see like Instagram or, or TikTok, but like, I just like the, what we have done for the culture of hot dogs.
We are shaping a generation.
Your eyes look so sad.
To continue an American staple. Let's be honest, Joey. America is not in the best situation right now. A lot of turmoil, a lot of arguing, turbulence.
Are there tariffs on hot dogs? We don't know that. No, those are American made. I don't know that either.
But, how can we as a country?
Unite more and stronger if it is not through a hot dog?
I am, I think there's a lot of different ways, but I'm with you.
I just stumbled upon a new theme for this year of Dog Suckin' Season.
The first one being the dog sucks you?
And now the new one is...
Now, the new one, I wanna, I'm gonna leave it to you and the people to see what they feel is more marketable.
We'll speak with our marketing, our people.
Dog Suckin' Season, Season 4, Find Love in a Bun.
Why, I'm confused with...
But like, find, like, reconnect with people over a hot dog. Bro, if you're telling me that fucking dick pills are having commercials where they're just like, "Love, happiness, joy."
Are they?
I'm just saying.
You just made that up?
Why can't we do a super emotional commercial about fucking hot dogs, dude?
Probably because there's like, press about there being people in it.
We're not sitting there and peddling that they're healthy, by any stretch. And I'm not even saying just the unhealthy hot dogs. Bro, get a vegan hot dog in there.
Get a, get a, get a, get a, like, an uncured turkey hot dog, chicken hot dog.
I was just gonna say, does chicken hot dog count?
Yeah, why not?
Anything that, that's shaped in a bun.
Joey, we are, we are inclusive-minded men. We want the world to be happy and everyone to feel included. That includes chicken hot dogs.
I agree. What can we make like a, like a, like a, like a, like a dessert dog? Like, what can it be?
Hell, yeah, we can.
Like a brownie, and then you put scoops of ice cream on it? Am I okay?
Honestly, that sounds incredible, but I'm even go, brownie might be a little too decadent.
You could just do a cookie.
That's a phenomenal idea.
And you could do ice creams, like, or like, or, shut up! You could do a cookie, and you could do frozen yogurt on top as the ketchup.
And then you could do shaved chocolate.
Oh, in a bun?
Hear me out. Now I might, I think I found another tagline for this year of Dog Suckin' Season.
We're all about the taglines.
Dessert dogs. Bark for 'em.
That may be tougher to get through HR. Dessert dogs bark for them.
I mean.
I will say that apparently, I don't know how they get this stat, com- social conversations about hot dogs have increased over 10% the past couple of years.
What about sales? What about sales?
Fuck the sales dude, 10%?
Well, no, we don't wanna know. No, because if they can show that correlation between these social conversations had led to lower sales, they might be less inclined to wanna deal with us.
And, just Google "hot dog sales by year in the US."
I don't know that that's an easy thing to find.
I'm sure you could find it.
I'll, I'll help you. So, the past four years, it was projected that the hot dog market, $20 billion.
Beautiful.
Now, they're projecting that in the next few years, it'll double to 40 billion, so it is going up.
Ooh!
Hold on. All jokes aside, what the fuck?
I don't know, I don't know why.
Why the hell would it double?
Bro, anywhere you go, any, any event, any show, any stadium.
It's been that way.
Yeah, but now people are making longer dogs. They're not sell- they're not switching the amount of dogs they're selling, they're sizing up the dogs.
That's true, is a foot long one dog?
That's a good question, that's a good question.
Oh, I know, that's just like, it's not two dogs.
Two dogs, it's by weight, it's by weight.
It's by weight, probably.
By weight.
Well, it's, it's by dollar amount, that's probably why it's gonna double.
That's, oh, that's true too.
The tariffs, bro, I don't know if that's true, but like, the prices of things go up.
Yeah, fuck!
$40 billion is insane, dude.
Hot dog sales by year, gotcha.
Hot dog sales by year, US, we don't even know the world, but honestly, we do have a worldwide reach.
I mean, I don't think they eat a lot of hot dogs in Europe.
Maybe they should.
I do have to sign into a lot of these things.
It's fine, we're never gonna-
We don't need, I mean, if you find it, great, I'm just making a pitch, and I hope-
I'm just making a pitch.
I hope that you can respect me as your co-host, most importantly, your lifelong best friend.
What are you asking me to do?
Cosign with me. Dig our feet in the sand and say, "We're not moving, world."
Hot dogs.
You're preaching to the choir, li- like, literally.
I know.
And I just wanna make sure that we're in this together.
A, a, a, a strong, united, hot dog front.
And we hold hands. And the, but our arms are hot dogs.
That's a great poster.
Dessert dogs.
Bark for them.
Bark for them. I mean, where can you go from there? That was beautiful. Unbelievable. Don't start making up more taglines. I think that we should go out on top.
You sure?
Because I feel like you're, you were getting a little further from the point.
The point is?
Here comes a tagline.
I know you. I know, once you looked off into the distance to the left, I was like, he's making more taglines. Is that what you're doing?
Just, I'll, I'll quit while we're ahead. I, I will, I can't give them this for free. We are also respected businessmen, you and I.
And we need to be business savvy, synergistic, and understanding market fluctuations.
Beautiful. Frank, where can they find you?
Wherever you can find a hot dog, folks. Because I am in essence in every hot dog that you have, as is Joe. Every bite you take of that savory, delicious beef, pork, turkey, chicken, vegan goodness, you're taking a bite out of Joe and I. Every bite out of a dog is a bite out of the basement yard. Thank you, folks. Joe.
Technically, that is, it could be true because they did confirm that there's human DNA in hot dogs. That's besides the point. The business is booming, apparently. Forty billion dollars. What a treat. Anyway, guys, you can go follow the show at The Basement Yard and go follow me at Joe Santagato. Uh, and that is all. See you guys next time.
Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated