The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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15,475 words · 4 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the Basement Yard, our 500th episode. That's 10.
It's double 5. A 5 for me, a 5 for you. So 5 over here, 5 over here. That should be...
Or you do, you do...
5-0-0.
So this?
Correct, yes. For the audio listeners, you have no idea what's going on with this whole time.
No, no, no, it's our 500th episode.
Also, for the audio listeners, you can't see this.
Yeah, there's big eyes.
But Frankie's dream has come to fruition. We have two big, fat beer towers.
I don't know if it's my dream.
This thing's coming out like piss.
Yeah, look, I mean, this is a... I think this also speaks to the level of hydration that we both regularly keep, where yours looks a lot more healthy, and mine looks like I am about to die.
Did we run these through, like, a dishwasher or something?
Oh, I mean, it's beer, it's alcohol, it sanitizes things.
It's beer. Beer towers, 500th episode?
500! Cheers to us!
Clink me, dink me, throw it in my stink pee.
Wow.
Oh, man. Michelob Ultra, that's what you bought. I feel like I'm on a golf course right now.
Frank's not drinking Michelob Ultra, but...
I made myself a vodka diet.
Yeah, so right, so-
A vodka diet?
That sounds miserable. Right before we started recording, we noticed Ant was really sheepishly quiet in the corner over there.
Yeah.
And then I know, I just hear the ice clinking in the glass as he's walking over. And it was clear, he couldn't not be involved in the celebration.
Had to drink.
Right.
Had to drink, and you made yourself a vodka and diet Coke?
Yes.
That sucks on so many levels.
Hmm.
Okay.
You really are 21, aren't you?
Uh, I'm a young girl at heart, you know?
No, so am I, though.
500 episodes.
That's bananas.
That is bananas.
This is, uh, what, I joined in 200 area?
250 something.
I thought I had a burp.
Oh, don't puke?
I don't think, I don't think it's that-
Do you think we're gonna finish this whole tower?
I, if we do, this is gonna be the messiest episode we've ever done in our entire lives.
Ah!
Yeah, it's alright. Um, 500 episodes, doesn't feel like it.
You know, what's like the podcast record of episodes? Joe Rogan, they're at like 1100 or something, right?
I have no idea. That's a long time. We do 52 episodes a year.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's how numbers work. I mean, technically, we do double that because we do a Patreon episode every week, too.
So if we start counting those, Rogan, count your fucking lucky stars, bitch.
Yeah, dude, in 15 years-
You might be in trouble.
Yeah, so, we got the beer towers. I haven't seen one of these bad boys in-
Couldn't tell you how long.
It's been a while.
It's been awhile.
Since I had-
Oh, my head of hair. I'm so glad that I can sing because I've been like, losing my voice kinda, because I was like, sick, like, 5 days ago.
So we filmed yesterday, and I made a joke, you sounded a little like RFK Jr.
Not because of what you were saying. Yeah, not because of what you were saying, let's make that very clear.
But just because of how you sounded.
And, um-
Yeah, it wasn't like, "Oreos are making your kids autistic."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, whatever.
If you feed your ki- I don't want to do the impression. That's kinda fucked up.
I know.
I'll do it. I'm not gonna.
I already did.
Yeah. Well, he's just like, you know, saying shit like, "Goldfish will turn your kids gay and then they'll be transgender for New Year's," or something.
Yeah. I mean, goldfish are a gateway fish to gayness. Let's be honest here.
Are they? They have rainbow ones, so I imagine that like-
Rainbow fish are fucking cool. Don't even-
I'm not, I'm not, I'm on. I'm on board, baby. I'm imagining-
You know what's an overrated fish? The fighting fish.
I'm good. The hell are fighting fish?
What are those called?
Beta fish.
Beta fish?
What's a fight- why did, why are they fighting?
I had them when I was younger.
Oh, you mean the actual fish?
What you think, what-
I thought you meant the rainbow goldfish. And then-
What's that?
They have goldfish, they have a bag of rainbow flavored gold- not flavored, but rainbow colored.
Bro, I'm talking about animals. You're talking about snacks?
Well, I started with goldfish!
I thought you were talking about the rainbow fish in the book with the, with the scale that's holographic.
Oh, by, I know who you're talk-
I know exactly what you're talking about.
I was talking snacks, baby.
Oh!
I was talking full snacks.
Goldfish are fine. Pizza flavored-
Good.
Ew, dude.
What? Let me guess, you're also a freak that likes combos? Like a real-
I don't hate combos!
Like a real incel?
You think that, first of all, you are not going to pass combos over to the incel community.
I, they, they, they have, the incels have Mountain Dew-
Monsters energy?
Monster energy, combos. Uh, we're really fighting to keep beef jerky on our side, the non-incel side of the-
One of us is fighting for that, apparently.
I love beef jerky. You don't like beef jerky?
It's good, but I don't need it.
Crazy. You're just gonna give that to the incels willy-nilly?
You're about to give combos!
Combos, they've taken, they've taken it!
No.
I don't like combos. They're kinda gross.
No, I, I like them. I like them.
What would you prefer? Combos? Or those Ritz sandwiches that had the cheese in the middle?
God, you're making me, it's like picking a favorite child here.
Which you don't have one, because you don't have any children, that. We know of-
We get it. I'll say, I'll say the Ritz-
Yeah, that's duh. That's a duh.
Crackers.
That's duh.
That dusty cheese is good, dude. I like that dusty cheese.
When I put my mouth on that cheese, and it- Evaporates into what can only be described as like-
So you know me?
Yeah, I do.
You know that I like to like-
You love to suck things.
But I don't suck these.
You, you-
Yeah, yeah.
I knew it. I knew it. This freak Joey likes, and for those of you guys that are audio listeners, he takes his tongue, he makes it sharp. Those of you guys that don't know, Joey's got a sharp tongue-
I do.
That has quite the butt crack on it.
Does it?
Yeah, you got a butt crack right down the middle of your tongue. Look at that shit. Look at it.
No, don't look at my ass tongue. My butt tongue.
But, and then he just like, for some reason, just like, uses your strong tongue to just punch the shit out of this fucking cracker.
Well, no, that's not what I was gonna say. I do do that sometimes, especially with Oreos.
You scrape-
I can scrape an Oreo clean, dude. Yeah, I can do that. Um, but the, the little crackers, the Ritz crackers with the cheese, I'll like, put the whole thing in my mouth and then kind of open it, eat the one side of the cracker, bullshit.
You know, I get what you're saying. You know what I like to do?
You haven't even, I haven't even gotten to the meat and potatoes of what I'm saying here.
Go ahead. I'm sorry, you're right.
I get it down. Now I just have cracker and then cheese. And then I take the cheese and I try to get it off of the cracker, and then I take the cheese and I rub it on the top of my mouth with my tongue, and then it just like gets all dusty on the top of my mouth, and then I eat it.
Anybody else do that? There's dead, you can hear a pin drop in here.
I don't think you realize how borderline insane it sounds like.
To do that?
You just chew them up and eat them?
Yup. Yeah, yeah, I do.
You don't take-
I might, I might.
You don't take the cheese and like-
No. I do that, I swear to god. Sometimes I'll like, separate, you know, like I'll separate the cracker in my mouth where I'm like, you go over there, cracker, you and the cheese go over there.
Segregation.
You know, stop that.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, men over here, women and children first.
You know, and then I eat it like that, but the only thing that I think I have a weird separation thing with when I eat is peanut M&M's.
Peanut M and M's.
I like cracking those bitches open.
I cracked the shell, I removed the whole shell, I removed the whole chocolate and then I got just the peanut in my mouth and I like to find the seam and I like to split that shit.
I like to do that too.
And then that little, that little, you know, that little like bean bean on the top of the peanut, I love to take that and it's sharp.
And I get it all out of there and then I crack that bitch right down the middle.
Yes, yes, yes. I, I love that.
I love that. Also, Robin's eggs. The shells on those, I love cracking that shit in my mouth.
Unbelievable. Robin's eggs are a tier, top tier candy, which is why I stand by Easter might have the best seasonal candy of any holiday.
It's, it's very, very, very possible.
It's very probable and possible, but in true Basement Yard fashion, we completely got away from what we were doing. 500 episodes.
500.
I think we celebrated 300.
First of all, she's, you hear her?
She's screaming at you?
She's yelling at me, look.
Careful.
She's yelling at me, she's yelling at me.
You almost took that shit onto your fucking brand new computer, which by the way.
Joey has used this thing more than any computer's been used in history.
It's true.
To justify buying it.
It's so true.
But in true Basement Yard fashion, we got off the topic.
Uh huh.
Is this, cause you started the, the show, is this where you imagined the show would be?
I'm sitting here with Barbara Walters, thank you for that question. Um.
Oh, I thought you were just gonna slam, wham, bam, maybe the next one? What? I like what you got going on here. I'm a big fan of cream and green. The cream and green is good.
I don't know what it is lately, but like I'm greened out, baby.
Bro, me too. Ant was just talking shit that he's like, yo, everything you do is green.
Green phone?
Bro, I got a green phone too!
Green face?
Ooh!
Green pants?
How's your undies? Whoa, oh, you're green.
How are my undies today?
How are you? Are you wearing tighty whities like before?
No, oh, you would hate these.
Why?
They're, they're not cream. They're not green or cream.
Are they multicolored?
There's no cream on these boxers.
By the way, Frank.
Gotta say that in a better way.
There's no cream in these boxers. Um, Frank showed up to the, the shoot yesterday.
The socks that this man had on.
Enough!
A j- a very, very bright orange.
I was like, well, they were orange and blue.
They were orange and blue or green, I can't remember. I have several pairs.
Of those specific?
They're socks! Enough! Enough with all the socks slander! Socks are meant to be fun and playful. They're the only article of clothing you can be really super playful with for only yourself. Shirts, everyone else sees it. Everyone else sees it, so like you wear a playful shirt, people should be like, "Oh my god, enough." Boxers and sh- and boxers underwear, for those that wear underwear. And socks.
For those who wear underwear?
Like, I mean like tight underwear, cause like women wear like...
Strings.
Not boxers, you know, I'm just saying, you know, they have underwear.
If you were to wear women's underwear, what kind do you think you would wear? Would you thong?
Listen.
Or would you wear panties?
Listen up, real quick.
Ladies, let me speak on your behalf, okay? I'm gonna protect you here. Thongs, they're, they're sick, but if I was a woman, I wouldn't be wearing them. Unless it was like sexy time, here we go, bing bang boom.
Okay. So if you were a woman, you wouldn't wear thongs?
I would wear them like if I'm trying to like, if I know I'm getting myself into some shenanigans later.
But like, if it's, if I'm going straight comfort, baby, these panties is gonna be grannies.
You're going granny panties?
I'm going underwears, babe.
What about, uh, what's it called? Booty shorts or something? I don't know.
Like Spangks? But those are like on an on top of thing, aren't they?
Spangks are like, you know?
They're like sh- shapewear, I think is what they're called.
I'm talking about like, uh, they're like shorts kinda. But even the bottom of your butt sticks out.
I, I just, I, the idea of wearing a thong and always having this thread in your asshole.
You probably don't feel it, though.
I mean, yeah, they've probably at, you know, through their life, warm enough, but like,
You're gonna tell me that's made for comfort?
Apparently, everyone's wearing them. It's all the rage these days, thongs.
Those kids are wearing the thongs!
The kids love the thongs!
No, I, I would-
That was disgusting.
Yeah, disgusting.
Here we go! Make sure you edit that.
It yells at you, right?
Look at your hands. Look at your hands. Hang that up. Um, also, I had a very interesting, I went back to the vet for my dog.
Oh my god, just let this dog die already.
Jesus Christmas. He's alive and well. That's good.
It's insane.
This dog is just trying to die on you and you just won't let it happen, dude.
When was the last time you went to the vet?
Take the hint, Joey.
Oh no. It's a couple beers.
You are a heartless pig. That's what you are.
You can't call a Smash Man a pig. I guess you can now, actually, I guess you can nowadays.
I don't even know, nowadays? Where's the connection?
Here we go.
Jeez, would you fill that with vodka in there? What the fuck's going on over here?
Here we are.
You have a stash.
Damn right I do.
Yep.
There he is.
Welcome. Back to the basement yard.
Perfect. Uh, I went back to the vet and it's because I saw that my dog was like licking his penis a lot.
Does that mean like, he, I, could you, I, serious questions here.
I remember you talked about the hotspots that dogs get because they, they lick them, so in your head were you like, "My dog's penis is a real hotspot right now."
Technically, yeah.
Technically, I had to refer to my dog's penis as a hotspot.
Uh, also, I had to get in there and check it out.
You jerked off your dog?
That's not how you check it out. So, he was licking his, don't, hey, giggles!
Sorry.
So, he was-
What the fuck?
I, when we got back from, uh, Europe, I picked up my dog and my mom was like, "Hey, he's been licking his penis a lot." And I was like, "Maybe he's just like in that kinda mood, I don't know."
Is that a mood that he's been in before?
Huh?
There's several. You would, you, we would. You would if you could?
I don't know, Frank, what are you even saying? Anyway, I pick up the dog.
You heard giggles again, right? You heard, he, he laughed like this.
I pick up the dog and she's like, he's licking his penis a lot. I'm like, okay. So then I notice him doing it and I'm in my apartment. So I go over, I'm inspect, I'm inspecting this dog's penis.
Right? And he's looking at me like-
Are you gonna walk me through how?
Looking at it. I don't, what do you want me, what do you want me to do?
Well, dogs, dogs have retractable dicks.
It's not on the, on his actual like-
Oh, so he's-
Red rocket penis. It's like the sheath.
The sheath. Incredible. I was ready to attack you, but I love that. Go ahead.
So I just saw something there. I was like, oh yeah, it looks a little red. Gonna take him to the vet. So I take him to the vet.
Wait, his penis looks a little red.
There's like a thing that looks like a cut. So I'm like, oh, it's probably a hotspot. You know, cause like if they get cut, they start licking it and then it could spread.
Infect, yeah.
Whatever. So it looked a little infected. I go to the-
Ant's looking at me like I was the one licking it. Like he was licking his own fucking hotspot. I mean, nothing. I wasn't.
I get to the doctor and he's like, oh, you know, what's going on? It's like, I think there's a hotspot on my dog's penis. He's like, okay, we'll kind of check it out or you know, whatever. And he was a super nice guy. And then-
Technically, it was your dog's foreskin.
It wasn't, I don't know what, I don't know what to call it, to be honest with you.
It's like the, the protective barrier.
So it's like the wall.
What is the point of what this interjection that you just had? What are you trying to establish that you don't already know?
Trying to hear myself talk.
Trying to hear, trying to hear myself-
She's whistling. Um, so I, I go in there and I'm like, oh, there's something wrong with my dog's penis or whatever. And then he's like, okay, cool. We'll check it out. And then he tells me, he's like, by the way, I just want to, you know, I didn't want to, cause I was in the lobby.
I don't want to tell you, I'm a huge fan of yours.
He's like, I'm a huge fan of yours and you know, whatever. I love the podcast. I was like, oh, thank you, man. I appreciate it.
Is this the same guy that gave you a discount last time?
No. So I went to a different one. And he actually made a comment. He was like, oh, you know, we were jealous that you went to the other one. And I was like, oh, I don't, I don't even know how they fuck they knew that. I think cause-
Maybe the records, yeah, the records.
So he says that and I'm like, okay, cool. And um, he leaves the room for a second to go get the doctor. I look down.
My fly could not be more gaped.
It's so open.
And I'm like, it's so embarrassing now.
You know what's so funny? Is you openly told me that's something that you always check for.
Because I, yeah, because I'm like always, before we go on stage, I'm like checking to see that it's open. But it was so, dude, I'm not kidding, so cavernous. It was so open.
Just like, what kind of pants were you wearing? Jeans?
I was wearing pants like, kind of like these, like a, whatever, but like, I think the way that I was sitting, it, it just didn't help. And it was so opened, and I'm like, this guy's getting a look at my penis and the dog's penis.
So he's seeing one of them is a real hotspot, and the other one is just.
Just a spot.
Playfully infected.
Just a spot, just a dot. Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay, thanks, but that was like, no discount, but you know, they did a good job.
He should've gave you the, the, the, I'm a fan of you plus the dick discount. That would've been sick.
I was totally okay with that. I mean, it wasn't a huge bill. The other one was a pretty big bill, so.
Well, yeah, last time you had to get him milked, or whatever the hell you said.
You don't even listen when I talk. Cause nobody is gonna milk my dog, Frank.
Didn't you say milk, they milk his anal glands or something?
They express them.
Oh, but it's, it's a form of milking.
Yes, it is, I guess.
So it's just not the type of milking your dog would prefer? Or you would prefer, probably.
I would not want my anal gland expressed.
Cause I don't even think that's something that we could do, can we?
I don't think we have that either.
I don't think we got that shit, and I'm fine with that.
I'm cool with not having that.
I'm cool with not having that. That's funny that you brought that up, though, cause I went to the DMV to get that fucking real ID thing.
I don't wanna do that.
Oh yeah, you probably have to.
Was it a, was it a, did it take long?
I, I had to literally like, like I was getting fucking Zayn Malik tickets, like go on at like 8 a.m. one morning and get an appointment. And it was like the only appointment that was left.
And, first of all, naturally, go there.
They lost power.
The DMV?
Yeah. They lost power.
Are they allowed?
They were, they lost power and they were waiting for the, the, what's it called, to come back up. The internet? So I got there and they're like, "You here for Real ID?" I'm like, "Yeah." And they're like, "Ah, bad news." And I'm like, "What?" And they told me. So they're like, "Listen, you can take this sheet and come back anytime you want in the next two weeks and we'll take you right in. Or you can wait and, and then try your luck to see, because, you know, Verizon was just here. See if that'll come back on. And then if not, you can come back and, you know, we'll, we'll, we'll give you that sheet again."
Hey Spotify listeners! When you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In-flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi. Sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com.
And I'm like, "All right, you know what?" I was like, "I, I might as well wait a little bit." You know, just to fucking test my luck. And I sat there, I sat down. And I'm like, "All right, I'm giving myself 45 minutes." I was like, "If, if I don't even hear that the internet is back, like if they don't take someone in front of me in that time, I'm just gonna leave and come back another day." So I'm sitting there, sitting there, waiting, whatever.
I, when's the last time you physically went to the DMV?
When I got my permit.
Dude, I don't know what it is. It's all old people. It's not-
What are they doing there?
I don't know!
Oh, maybe expired-
Well, so one guy was there and it was just like, he needed to get this changed and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like, it was all, it was, I was the youngest person in there by 25 years. Like-
Do old people just like the DMV?
I don't, maybe-
It's just like a hotspot for them?
A hotspot. Well, this is a hotspot episode.
It is.
Um, possibly, because that's the only place people talk to them, because they're, you know, maybe like old decrepit losers.
You've got so much karma, you're coming your way, it's insane.
But, so I'm there, I'm waiting, I'm like, alright, I see, I'm watching, you know, looking at the time. And it gets to forty-five minutes, but I notice Verizon is like coming in and out of the building. So I look over like the server room and they're in there and I'm like, alright, you know what?
They're hacking the mainframe right now.
Yeah, hacking the mainframe.
They'll have it up.
I'm in!
You know, I'm thinking like, might as well, just give it another few minutes unless there's a sign that I should get out of here.
Like from the Lord above?
I don't know, I don't, you know how I feel, I'm pretty like in the middle agnostic, so like,
Yeah, but you're superstitious.
Send me a sign, exactly, I'm superstitious, that's I think the best thing. And then, I'm like, unless there's a sign.
At this volume, there's an old man directly in front of me.
Scrolling through like Facebook, uh, not, Instagram has reels, TikTok, I don't know what TikToks are called, I guess TikToks. But like, what's the Facebook one called?
I have no idea.
The short little video formats.
I think we get what you're saying.
Stories or whatever?
Whatever it is, he's scrolling through them. And it's like, you know, like, oh, five signs to see if your, you know, house foundation is messed up. And then one is just like, if you're using these roofing nails, stop right now, you know? And then he gets on one, and it's a clear AI voice. Like, my, it told me, you know, you know that, how it sounds, how it's kinda like disjointed?
Please tell me this was like, oh, my big fat tits or something.
It was it? What'd it say? Bro, the guy, I couldn't, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe what I was listening to, so I put my phone down to listen more and looked around me and other people were just like, It starts playing on his phone, and it's like, I gave my stepson these pills to help him with his cock growth.
I couldn't believe the results, so I had to test it out for myself.
What?
Yo, I couldn't-
He's watching porn?
Watching porn, in the DMV!
Out loud.
Like louder than you would, like first of all, I know this is a pet peeve of yours, but people in public scrolling on their phone, you're either at no volume, you either have headphones on, or you're at one.
Two is jail. If anyone else can hear you, crazy.
But it's on full volume, honestly to the point, I might have thought to myself like, "Does he have a speaker in his pocket or something?" Because it was loud.
And it was like, "My, my son's dick."
"And I've gotta try it out."
Yes, and I thought for a second-
Did anyone say, "Hey, bro"?
I thought for a second, might have been like, I gave this old man watching porn in public the benefit of the doubt.
Did you see his phone?
No. So I, I like, I thought for a sec like maybe it's-
Benefit of the doubt, what is it?
The benefit of the doubt of thinking like, "I gave them the pills, so then I took the pills to try it on myself."
But that's the benefit of the doubt?
But then I listened, and it was a female voice, and then she started getting more sexual.
It was just like, I unzipped his pants and couldn't believe it.
This guy's listening to a smut book.
Bro, I couldn't, I was sitting there flabbergasted at this fucking guy. And not only watching porn in public, but like blasting it. Not only blasting and watching porn in public, but it was like, my stepson, which is fucking disgusting.
I said, I literally put my phone in my pocket, I put my papers by my side, that was my sign, I got the fuck up and left.
Oh, so you didn't get it?
I didn't even, I didn't, I just got up and left.
So that was your sign?
That was my sign.
Damn dude, you should have been like, "This'll be good for the podcast", and walked over and be like, "Hey Rusty, what are you watching?"
The fuck is this?
You wanted me to like inquire and just be like, let's sit down and analyze this together.
I mean, I don't have that in me. I could never do that to a stranger and walk up and be like, are you blasting audio porn right now? What's going on, sir?
I like, I looked over, there was a woman like four seats to my right and she was just like, you know that look? You know what I mean?
It's like, is he watching stepmom porn?
He, I couldn't, like, at what level of not giving a fuck do you allow something like that to happen?
Bro, you know what's crazy? Like, obviously that's ridiculous. There, there's those videos that exist, you said that one was like AI or something?
It sounded like, like the cadence was very AI like, you know what I mean?
It probably was. And he was like, oh. I can only imagine what he was watching, honestly.
Oh, God.
I've been getting these like TikTok shop fucking ads or something.
Bro.
But they're so weird. It's like a girl in the middle of telling a story about oh, my boyfriend has never clapped my cheeks as hard as he has this past weekend. And then she's selling some product like ashwagandha pills or something. It's like, yo, my boyfriend like was clapping the thunderclapping the shit out of my cheeks. And I'm like, this is what advertising is now?
This is what sells, apparently.
And so somewhat, a dude is watching that being like, oh, if he thunderclapped her shit, then I'm gonna thunderclap some cat.
I can take, see, this is the way, if you're gonna sell fake cock pills, the way to do it is at a bodega on a rack, right next to like, you know, a, a, a hundred grand bar. And it says something like Rhino Fuck. Or like, Jackhammered Cock Time.
You know what I'm talking about?
Did I ever tell you what I went to, I, when I lived in Astoria, I went to the deli and I got a sandwich. And I'm, uh, I'm paying for it and the dude goes, He starts pointing to like, cause there's like, it's right next to the
Yeah, I know, it's literally, as you're paying, it's right here.
Yeah, and literally, it's like giraffe tits, or so, you know what I'm saying?
Hard giraffe dick, or whatever it's called. And it's like, something like that. And he's like, yo, you want, you need this? And I was like, no, I'm good. He's like, nah, bro, I see, I, he's like, you need it. And I'm like, what's going on, bro? I'm trying to buy a sandwich from you, I'm trying to like, help out.
What about you gave off lip dick energy?
Yeah, I was like, yo, why do you think that I need some, you know, turbo hyena dick? Or whatever the fuck, like, what vibes am I giving off that you think I need that?
I can't imagine. Now, listen, I understand, you know, there are people that suffer from erectile dysfunction, and you take whatever supplements and pills you need to work on that.
Yeah, but like, take something with class!
Like, that's what I'm saying!
That was crazy.
That was nuts. That's what I'm saying. Like, go, go get a blue chew, if you feel so inclined. Cialis.
Something from a doctor.
Uh, what's the Viagra? Bro, if you're getting your cock pills from the same place that you buy loose cigarettes, you're fucking up in life.
Yeah, come on, bro. Maybe you did some irreversible damage to that fucking yang.
I imagine, though. Like, there's gotta be, I saw one, uh, on, when I was like scrolling, I, I, I follow this account that like, tweets crazy things that like, I screenshot and we use for the episodes. And one of them was just like, the new viral sex chocolate. And it's like, what is going on, dude? Like...
Chocolate to make me horny?
I mean, apparently chocolate's an aphrodisiac in and of itself.
Nothing has ever, I've eaten anything and been like, it's go time. It's never happened to me.
Yeah, they say that about like strawberries, chocolate, oysters.
Never.
I will say this, I've eaten quite a ton of oysters.
I can't imagine that the oysters are what made me horned up.
Right. It's usually just women.
That's usually what does it-
That's what I'm saying. What did the trick was women, not, not-
Not the Hershey bar I ate on the way over, okay?
Like, maybe that's what our next business venture needs to be. Maybe if you guys make another hot sauce, Secret Handshake Foods Co. Did I say that right? Secret Handshake Food Co?
They had the two-
It felt wrong when you said it, but it was right.
You have the everything, bagel hot sauce, you have the Bloody Mary hot sauce. What if your next hot sauce is an aphrodisiac hot sauce that like, is like laced with like, hints of chocolate, strawberry, it's other foods that are horny foods, so it's a horny hot sauce.
It's a good name.
Horny hot sauce.
Horny hot sauce?
I'm giving you that for free, by the way.
We're not gonna market a horny hot sauce.
Everyone else is doing it. People are getting their thunderclaps tied down and bang, bang the ring.
You might as well.
I know, it is kinda crazy that those are like a thing. And, and again, we're not saying there's an issue with people who have ED. I get it.
Correct.
People have erectile dysfunction, that's totally fine, but if you're going to buy your pills,
right next to where you would buy a lighter.
A lighter with fucking-
Like-
A lighter with like a, a skeleton like this on it.
I'm just saying, maybe you've made mistakes.
If you get breakfast sandwiches from the same place you buy your, your, your dick pills, you need to reevaluate that.
Yeah, fuck that motherfucker that was pawing off the pills-
Yeah, that's crazy.
And saying that I needed them-
I mean, they always had horny goat weed was the one they had by us.
Horny goat weed.
Which-
There was a hyena one that I saw though, and I was like-
Hyena humpor.
I don't know what it's called.
I don't know either, but I imagine, I mean, they're all animal based.
And they're all like-
I don't know why goats are the one that they put in there, though.
It's also about like going fast and then an animal.
Yeah, so it'll be like-
Nitrous oxide hyena dick fucker, so I don't know.
We'll workshop the name.
We're, we're, we're coming up with stuff, but we do have, we do have some ads, that's not a good place to start. Um, we do have some ads, uh, for this episode, the first one being, "How you doing?" Uh, Stitch Fix, uh, shopping is hard, but a better way to do that, with Stitch Fix, okay? Stitch Fix is like an online stylist. Okay, you go onto their website, you take a style quiz, you tell them, "I like wearing clothes like this, um, I like stripes, I like this kind of fit, I'm this tall, this is my waist size," stuff like that. You let them know the kind of clothes that you like to wear, and then they get to work and they pull a bunch of stuff from a bunch of brands that you know and love, they send it to your house, and you only pay for the stuff that you keep, okay? The rest you send back, and
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Yeah, and you know what? If you're feeling good and you want to have a little more of us, go check us out at patreon.com/thebasementyard. We thank you guys for your continued love and support. Uh, we are working tirelessly to give you guys more of us and you can get more of us at Patreon. That's right, patreon.com/thebasementyard. You go and sign up for that first tier. You get these weekly episodes one whole week in advance. In that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start and end your week with the Basement Boys. Thank you, guys. We're creeping toward 34,000 paid patrons. We are so appreciative and thankful. If you sign up for that second tier, you get all those backlogged episodes. So don't just sit there and think like, oh, I'm going to sign up and then just get them when they come out. No, hundreds of episodes at your disposal.
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There she goes.
Bro, I've done a number on this.
I'm at just below two.
Holy shit, this is 1.5 liters? Yeah, I'm not finishing this.
You got it, you got it.
That's banana pants.
Frankie was beating Joe, but now Joe took the lead.
Why are they yelling? There's so much yelling going on.
There's a little, there's little.
Oh my god.
Um, so, uh...
Stinky Winky.
Who's Winky is stinky?
Not my dogs.
Your dogs is fucking hot.
No, I fixed it.
You fixed it?
That's crazy. He just said my dog's...
Hot spot, baby!
No, I know what you meant, but...
Hot spot!
I know what you said.
Um, I have a question.
Ask me.
Did you see this video of this snake in Thailand? This is a very Weiner episode today.
Did I see a snake in Thailand?
Well, you've never been to Thailand.
Would you?
Hell yeah.
Yeah? Oh, you haven't watched White Lotus?
No, I haven't, but they have elephant sanctuaries out there and I would love to pet an elephant.
Would you like an elephant if it were... Like, would you like to like pet it or ride it?
Ride?
Uh, I would ride it. I would, but I feel like... Not if... They're mean to the elephants.
You know what I mean?
Well, like, they need to be a little mean to horses.
Who?
When you're riding a horse. When's the last time you rode a horse?
I've never ridden a horse.
What? You should ride a horse, man.
I've rode a horse with you.
In pre-K.
Yeah, those are probably donkeys.
We, uh, so, we rode horses, Becca and I for our anniversary, and Becca, bleeding heart. Love her, but she was like a, the woman was just like, "Alright, give him a little kick in order to like move faster."
Oh, you gotta kick him.
And Becca was just like, "I don't want to," and she's like, "They have very thick, like, actual thick skin."
Bro, also, I could never hurt a horse, even if I wanted to. I feel like you could hit a horse with a baseball bat and they'd be like, "Hello."
I mean, yeah, maybe, I don't know.
They look strong as fuck. Not that I would do that, that's psychotic, but...
Bro... You don't understand the power of a horse until you're on one.
I don't know why that
Until you're riding this thing.
Horsepower.
This thing.
Oh, I felt horsepower, buddy. You ever get in a Mustang? Yeah, I felt it. I got a Ford F-150 packed in the backyard.
Um, but y'all, did you see this snake in Thailand?
It might make you want to rethink it. Ant, pull this shit up. So there apparently there was, there've been some floods over there. We hope everyone's okay. And.
What the fuck is that?
So this video came out and it's a python.
This isn't real.
It may be fake, but who cares? We're not the, the real police.
Wait, is it, did it eat?
It was a, did it eat?
Dude, that looks like it ate a fat man.
That's what they, I mean, I think.
There's no way that's real.
Bro, why not?
I refuse.
Dude, there's, you ever heard the story of the Amazon? That there was like, it was like the late eighteen hundreds or something?
Yeah, I can't.
I can't.
I'm not, I'm not ready to speak words yet. Because of how what? The fuck?
That's a big bitch.
If, if there are things in the world that exist. Like that.
Dude.
We don't have a big enough military then.
Well, we, we definitely don't.
Can you imagine? I mean, we, we do spend a lot of the military.
You know what's crazy?
We have a big military, yeah.
We have a.
Yeah, but I don't trust them. I trust the military. I don't trust the people who control the military is what I wanted to say. Um.
We're on an episode, this is becoming. Get drinking!
Um.
Dude, what would you do if you came in and Nat was just like hanging from here?
A giant.
There's nothing you could do. You would be.
I'm gonna say spider.
You'd be dead.
Fuck, how much did I drink already? Um, yeah, no, I'm not excited about that at all. I mean, if I saw a snake, I'm not like afraid of snakes. But anything that big, I'm afraid of.
Anything that big? You're afraid of elephants?
See, I'm, when it comes to animals like that, I'm in the same way, I'm like.
We're dumb in different ways.
Who's we?
Me and you.
Oh.
We're dumb in different ways. No, no, so like you think you could like beat animals up.
I.
I think, well, actually, no, this is similar because with you and gorillas where you're like, oh, I'll kind of like, whatever. I think that I have something in me.
That when animals see me, they know that like I'm their boy.
You're not a threat.
And not that I'm not even a threat, that I'm just like, that I get them. Like they see me and they're like, oh, like a doctor do, I'm dead ass, I think this.
Yeah, I know. No, no, no. This is like, they feel their vibes and they're like, this guy's not a threat, so I'm just gonna do my animal thing over here.
When I am walking on the street and I see a dog and we make eye contact, I really think that they see me and they, in their mind, they're like, oh, yeah, no, that's a good, that's good. Like, I don't, like, I think that they understa- like a dog barking or whatever, I would, I feel like I would walk up to it and it would stop barking. I'm an idiot.
You're like Caesar Milan, basically, is what you're saying.
What I am is fucking stupid.
Yeah, we know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I, but I feel like that, so pu- but I would say giant snakes, I don't feel that way with.
I don't think.
Elephants. An angry elephant who's doing the thing. If I walked up to them and I just felt like I could like calm it. If I just, if it's, if it, you know, you gotta get on the side of them, but.
You'd put your head under here. You'd do that. You'd do that thing.
Well, I would just look into his eye and I'd be like, it's okay, big fella. And it would chill.
Gotcha.
And I don't know if that's real, but I feel that in my heart.
Big fella.
I don't know if I would use that language.
Yeah, well, what if you angered it even more because it was like, did you just assume my gender? I'm a big elephant.
That's true.
Crazy. And you could tell elephants' genders pretty easily. You just go around the back.
They got big swinging dicks.
The dicks are big, the vaginas are big.
Really?
They're just big animals, dude.
I don't know that I've seen an elephant vagina in my day, but.
I mean, neither have I, but they're big animals. I imagine that they got.
They gotta have it.
They gotta have it, you know.
They gotta.
They gotta have a walk-in closet back there.
Yeah, I, yeah, exactly. Um, I watched a video of a rhino taking a dump the other day.
Alright, everyone, I'll see you guys later.
I'll tell you this, they produce a lot of dump, a lot, a good a lot.
Yeah dude, have you ever seen the one of, uh, the eleph- the hippo dumping? And it's just like its tail is like acting like a fan?
Yeah, it's like slapping it around, that is dumb.
Yeah, dumb design, absolutely.
Also like, yo, hippos don't even need tails.
Yeah, I agree, they have really dumb stupid tails.
You're so big, you have this very thin tail.
And it's like, it has like a little thing at the end, it's just like...
It's got like four Homer Simpson hairs at the end of the tail, what's the point of this?
I don't like that shit either, although have you seen, uh, an elephant tail up close? Dude.
I can't, I can't, oh, no, they're big.
It looks like a mace, those hairs look like if they hit you, they'll pierce ya.
They're sharp hair?
Dude, I mean, they're just thick hairs.
Ooh.
Ant, do me a favor, look up, as he's doing that, we're gonna talk, look up elephant tail up close.
A lot of animals have tails that don't need them, bears, why the fuck do bears have tails?
I'd like a tail though.
I would not hate one.
I would like a tail just to like...
Just to wag it?
Just so, just to have it?
Or like, if it was big enough that I could like pick stuff up?
Go to that first picture babe.
This?
Like, I wish I had it, whaaaaat?
Yeah dude.
That's an elephant's tail?
Hell yeah, and look, there's one of it crapping right below it.
Don't, don't click on that.
That's an elephant's tail, that's so weird.
Look at how thick that hair is, that's like brush, brush.
Looks like, yeah, it looks like you clean your grill with it.
That does look like that.
It does.
I have another question, since we're just asking questions today, let's let them fly.
Why, why is everyone so mad at Katy Perry?
Oh, yeah, they did the Blue Origin?
They did that Blue Origin space thing.
Before we get into Katy Perry, do you think that's real or is it fake?
I don't know, I think a lot of people now are saying that it's fake, like they're suggesting that it's fake. I haven't looked in enough to be able to plant my flag in either side of the argument.
But.
Would you do it?
No. The fattest no that I could ever imagine.
That's a scary one, dude.
No, I hate getting in a plane.
That's true, yeah.
You think I would be like, "Let's go to space," where there's nothing.
You're, I mean, you're in sp- are you in space? Or are you like in the ozone or the atmosphere?
Yeah, that's a good question. I think technically you, you leave.
If I could, oh, see, that's the thing. First of all, I'm with you.
Nah.
Nine.
No, no, no.
Not doing it. But like, the idea that I could be above the earth, looking at it, and then also look into space for a second is so crazy. I can't, I can't even imagine. I, I'm, I almost feel like
it can't be real because if that was me and I went into space and I saw the earth in front of me, and then I saw space behind me, and I landed back on earth, I would be like so different.
Dude, I would be a different person because it would just like, I, I'm not even kidding. I think I would just look at life differently. Cause when you see like-
How big it is.
Not even, not even how big it is, but like, when you see like every person you've ever met, every interaction, everything is just right there, and then nothing? I'd be like, nothing matters to anything and I ever, ever, nothing.
I know. How do you get down and you hold up a flower and you promote your album? Like, I'd be like, "Bro, I'm not me anymore."
Yo, I would not, I wouldn't be able to get down and talk with people about anything other than like, "Nothing is real." Nothing is real. Dude, if I go and I see this thing and I-
You'd, you'd be doing the Jim Carrey thing. You ever see his interviews where he's like, "I'm not me, I'm a fictional character of a-" and you're like, "What?"
I would lose my mind because the idea of seeing the earth, the earth in like such a way that makes it feel so insignificant-
Is not, like, I couldn't handle that.
Like, yo-
And then looking and seeing the sun? The sun? The sun. You think you could just look at the sun and be fucking like, "Okay, dude?"
How, can we see the sun?
We see it from here, babe.
That's not what I mean. I mean like if you're in space. If you look at the sun, what does it look like?
The sun!
But like, so you can't look at the sun though, is my point.
But it's so far away that you can look at it and just go like, yo, that's the sun.
Isn't that wild that the sun is like the sun, dude?
Sun.
The sun is just the sun.
The sun is...
It's crazy.
It's big.
Big, brother.
Bro, also the sun is really the father. Really, if it decides, "I'm not going to work today, we're all dead."
What, also, wha- who named it the sun? Like, why didn't they call it something way cooler? S U N? Call it a cooler thing. What, bitch?
Uh, how many Earths do you think can fit inside the sun?
Millions.
I would say, I would say 150 million Earths.
Yeah, it's a lot. I would say...
Honestly, Joey, I'm, I'm, you know what? Cosign, 500 episodes, 150 mil.
150 million Earths.
Uh, 1.3 million Earths, but it's still a lot.
Okay. We kinda, we kinda, we kinda.
I'm excited that we are above.
I mean, 1.3 million is still a lot of millions.
That's a big burning... Star?
It's a star. It's just gas, dude.
Gas.
I don't think there's a surface to it. I think it's just like, gas.
How is it burning still? It's been so long.
Don't ask. Someone might realize and be like, "Yeah, actually, you know what?" Click. Turn that shit off. It would take eight minutes.
Wait. Wait.
How is the sun in space...
Burning so hot...
That it warms the Earth?
But as we know it, fire needs oxygen. And without oxygen, there can't be fire.
Maybe it's not actual... Maybe it's not actual oxygen. Maybe it's like, maybe it's, it's burning the hydrogen or something. I don't know, but...
Yeah, like, how is that happening that the sun is like...
Well, hydrogen is important.
It's fire. We know it's fire.
But is it real, like, is it fire, like, we know it, this isn't like a fucking, like, when you go buy a fucking lighter that has like a weed sock on it?
You know, like, this is like space fire. So I think it's like, different fire.
So it's not like fire, it's just like burning gas.
That doesn't need oxygen to burn.
Maybe, maybe, I don't know.
Like, that's so interesting.
And it's just there, like, it's just like a constant, it's got so much of itself that it's just like, we're just good forever, hopefully. Eight minutes is all we have, babe.
I saw one video and it was just like, here's what would happen if the earth, if the sun just burnt out tomorrow.
No, I'm not, I'm not.
You don't want to know?
That...
Well, it would take not long. It would basically be like...
Like a couple months and we're dead?
Uh, yeah, probably. Cause it's like, the first week, like, you'd go into like a winter.
Oof.
And then it, like, things will just, like, the ocean will freeze, like, everything...
That'd be cool, we'd go ice skating.
That would be cool, no, I'm not ice skating on the ocean, get the hell out of here.
I would.
I wouldn't like that. Ice skating on the ocean, dude? What if it cracks and you fall through?
It won't.
Or what if it does?
Dead?
I'll be dead in a week, anyway.
No, I mean, we'd probably survive off of like, I would say, three, I would say eight months, we'd survive.
With no sun?
I don't know about that, chief.
No?
Just in complete darkness?
I mean, think of science. Science has now allowed us to figure out heat, figure out light.
Think about science.
Think about that.
I'm thinking about science now.
You know? We, I mean, most of the food in America is chemically grown anyways.
You could survive on beans.
You could survive, I mean, I think beans need to grow. Beans are plants.
Canned beans, I mean.
What do you think those are?
Beans.
Yeah, but we have a bunch of cans. Yeah, but then we won't.
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We won't have them.
That's a good point.
You know? And then, and then what? And then what do we eat? All the fucking, it would become a desert. The earth would become a desert, basically.
A tundra, tundra desert. This is a...
Who do you think's eaten somebody first?
Maybe we shouldn't talk about the end of the earth apocalypse, because I don't, I don't, you know, I don't want to go there. I'm having a good day.
Okay, so back to my original question though, why is everyone so upset with Katy Perry? Like, did you see like Wendy's like tweeted at her like?
Kesha's got beef with her.
Kesha's got beef with Katy Perry?
Cause Kesha went to Wendy's and was like, "Ha, ha, ha", and she posted a picture.
Wait, what?
Yeah, there's beef.
Why is Wendy's always like, "For, you know, we're the beef boys, and we're all over beef." I just, I saw people are like upset at Katy Perry, and this is not me saying like, "I don't get it, what did she", I'm saying like, "I just don't know."
I don't know either. I mean, I don't know about the beef between Kesha and Katy Perry either, but apparently there is one.
Oh no. Is it gotta do with that guy that did all Kesha's music?
Wasn't there a guy that like was in charge of all of Kesha's music or something like that?
I'm not familiar. I know that Kesha, something happened to Kesha, something not cool. I don't know if that has something to do with this? I have no idea.
I honestly don't know.
All I know is that people are like, "Ooh, Kesha's shading fucking Katy Perry."
Well, cause yeah, cause Katy, they posted like a picture and it's like Katy Perry's made it back from space, and then Wendy's, the official account for the fast food chain Wendy's tweeted like, "Can we send her back?"
Yeah, that's wild. That's a wild...
I just don't, and then like there have been a ton of people that have been saying like, "Fuck Katy Perry, like, let her stay", and I think people's issue with the Blue Origin space thing is that like, it undermines like the work that is being done by like, space engineers and stuff like that.
That's what I've, I've seen people posting, like I've seen people just salty like, "We're rich, we can go to the moon, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba."
Oh yeah, that, I mean, it's, it's like tone deaf.
I heard that Katy Perry was like, "I recommend this to everyone." And it's like, "Bro, we can't afford to do that." "What the fuck you talking about?" That we can go do that.
It was like her, Gayle King, and
Other people.
Oh, I saw the video of them like, walking on, and Gayle did not look happy.
I mean, I wouldn't be happy going into space.
Me neither, I'd be shaking.
I mean, did she, did they sign up for it, or did they have to like, buy into it?
I don't know.
How did they choose Katy Perry? No offense to Katy Perry.
Katy Perry's, I mean, a big person.
I mean, she is no longer what she was 10 years ago. Like Katy Perry 10 years ago was like, A-lister, ton of music coming out.
She's absolutely an A-lister still. Like, she's still like, an A-list pop fucking, like,
Borderline, yeah dude. She has a giant following.
What is she, is she releasing new music?
I don't know, I'm not the demo, so I don't really know.
I mean, I mean, you, you, you have your ear to the ground, more than I do with this stuff.
You know, I just don't, like, people are like, upset. And, do you know why people are so upset at Katy Perry?
I think it's just what he said, just, uh, rich people going to the moon.
Like, tone-deaf shit?
But like, before that, people were upset with her for something.
I, here's what I'll say.
I don't know. If there's a reason to hate Katy Perry, that'd be fun. I love hating people. Right, but...
I think, if there isn't a legitimate reason to hate Katy Perry, right? And she got back from space, and Wendy's was just like, "Send that bitch back." That's fucking hilarious.
It is. It is.
And if I'm Katy Perry, bro.
Bro, if I'm Katy Perry, I'm beefing-
I'm going on Twitter and be like, "Suck my dick."
Bro, I'm beefing with Wendy's so bad.
If there's nothing, if there's nothing, is what I'm saying. If, if Wendy's just, like, just jumped off the porch like, "Yo, fuck Katy Perry."
Bro, this is not the first time, yeah, if like, Katy Perry's under fire, and this is us just saying we legitimately don't know.
I'm trying to picture-
If she's under fire for something like, heinous and ugly, like, yeah, fuck her, absolutely.
But we don't know.
We don't know. But like, why, for Wendy's?
I'm trying to, I'm trying to put myself in Katy Perry's shoes. If I went to space and came back, and it was like, such a crazy moment for me, and then Wendy's was like, "Yo, send his ass back." I'd be like, "Suck my dick, Wendy's?" Like, what the fuck did I do to you?
This isn't the first time that Wendy's has like- Just tried roasting people on social media like
Damn Wendy's
It's not, it doesn't make sense. And can you look up other times Wendy's done this? But like, out of all places, like, it just...
Wendy's, like, it would make sense-
It is funny though, to be like a fast food restaurant-
Bro, if I was getting, if I was beefing with a fast food restaurant on fucking social media...
Actually, that would be kinda sick.
That's how I got my start.
Oh, with Taco Bell?
Yo, I've seen people like reenact our interaction.
Drove me nuts. But-
Oh, like trying to take it to be your, their own? Like kinda like being like-
That was like 2010.
Which is crazy.
I-
I was hyped that a verified account even replied to me.
I am forever. I got hyped once with, cuz Chipotle like responded to me. I got hyped, and they like... I don't know, I was, it was so cool. And I loved Chipotle at the time. Now? Not so much.
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Alright, so it looks like Ant pulled up other times that Wendy's roasted people on Twitter. This is going back, oh, this is only a couple of years. I feel like this is way older, though. Embassy Suites by Hilton, replying to someone...
Roast us next, tell your dad to get off Twitter.
They roasted like other companies here.
So is it like their thing? Is Wendy's now like the official
Yeah, that's their thing.
roaster of people on like social media? This is stupid.
It's like Monster Energy, top drink of choice for when you hate yourself and so does your English teacher? Like it's a little intense.
That is true, but that's not a roast when you're just exposing the truth.
Have you ever drank a Monster's Energy?
No, have you?
I have never, but I feel like
I feel like if I did, I would immediately like just start wearing
Tapout shirts all the time.
I feel like that too. I feel like if I didn't want to have sex with women, then I would probably love it.
Like if you wanted to hate them?
Like if your approach to women was just like, I'm gonna be mean to them and then when they don't like me, I'm gonna hate them for it.
I'm glad that you brought that up.
Okay, oh boy, are we going after insults today?
Every day, get them!
Um, there was a, there was a tweet that I saw and it was a dude and like, I mean, obviously it's the internet, so who knows if this is like real? But it was a dude's, uh,
like Tinder profile.
Starts it off with, "Trigger warning."
Yeah, you've already, you've already lost.
If you write your own trigger warning to like your bio or like, "Oh, I might say something offensive." Or if it's like, "Me and my boy, if we started a podcast, we get cancelled immediately."
Cancelled immediately, yeah. Yo, you guys are sick dude. Um, just say you're racist.
It says, "Let me guess, you're 25 with three kids." This is how he's starting off.
Wait, who's he saying this to?
This is a random person.
Oh, this is his bio?
His Tinder bio.
Oh, so he thinks he's attracting a certain clientele?
Let me guess.
Let me guess, you're 25 with three kids.
And you've done, and you've, and you've done, had your fun, now you don't want that. You want a real man to settle down with and take care of you and your kids because you let a loser nut inside you.
Jesus Christ.
Then, then, the ultimate, "I'm six foot even." We're starting off with the height. That's when you know
That's what you guys do.
I mean, when you start off with your height or if your height is in your bio, then your dick is
Tiny.
I'm six foot even, have my own house, two vehicles. Vehicles.
Technically, a bike is a vehicle.
And I make over 75K a year.
Whoa! I mean, I know it's hard out there for people, but like...
To put it on here, like, it's like, yeah.
What do you bring to the table? If the answer is someone else's kids, then go kick rocks. No man will ever want you. Stop saying you're thick. You're obese. Also, you're not a dog mom. You're a pet owner.
I will say, that last, the very last line, I am fully on board with. You're not a dog mom. You're a pet owner. That kinda goes hard.
But does it... No, it doesn't. Fuck you.
No, I mean, you call yourself dog dad?
If anyone says you have any kids, you say, "Yeah, and he has four paws." If you did, Joey, tell me right now, because I will shoot you in the back of the head.
We got down to the bottom here. This is kind of insane.
Uh, no, I wouldn't say that, but... What do you... No, I'm definitely beating you.
My thing is, like, I don't understand why there's men on the internet thinking... Like, if your objective is to attract women, why is the thought process like, "I'm going to insult them first"?
Well, I, I think there's this mentality that it's just like, "Women want a man that's a real man, that tells them, like, 'Where's my fucking dinner?'" "And fuck you and your opinions, I'm gonna handle everything." Like, they, they think that's what people want.
Do they all sound like Stone Cold?
I mean, I don't know. But, don't disrespect Stone Cold Steve Austin, by the way.
I love Stone Cold.
Not in my fucking house.
Are you kidding me? It's my dream to get... Fucking stunnered.
We can make that happen.
I would love to make that happen.
Oh my god, it'd be so sick. No, I, I think it's because like, society tells them like, men are not men anymore. Now they wear dresses and they drink soy lattes and they have, you know, friends that are, uh, women that they're not fucking. You know, like-
Even straight guys are gay.
Yeah, basically. So like, they feel like, the people that are unable to formulate any opinion outside of what they're being told by the media, think like, okay, so in order to appeal to the women that I want, I need to be a piece of shit.
But like, I, I understand that. My, my, what I'm saying is like,
it's interesting for me to see guys thinking that in order to make myself look desirable,
I have to be mean, or have to say negative things about women and like, this is what I bring to the table, so, and, and you don't, right? It's, it's not necessarily about making yourself be like, okay, if you want to be successful, you want to be in shape, you want to do all those things, that's great. That's a great thing. You don't need to then put down women at the same time because that hurts your chances at being attractive. I don't get the idea that you're like-
Yeah, because you're not an idiot. You're not a moron. That's why you don't get it. That's why I've stopped even trying to understand it. When I say like, I don't get why these people are so stupid, it's because I'm not putting myself in the idiotic mindset to even try to comprehend it. That's why you don't get it. What, so, you, I know how you are, Joey. You try to understand things that you don't get. Sometimes, if you don't get it and you don't understand it, just let it fucking be dumb and idiotic by itself.
I'm just saying, I think that if the objective is to be like a high value man, the value, like-
So, hold on, so listen, right? I just want to get this out.
This is, by the way, like, four millers deep, this is what we're talking about, I know.
Those are Michelob's.
Potatoes.
We're on a golf course.
Can't do anything nice.
Yeah. Did you expense those?
Oh yeah.
I'm saying like,
if the objective is to be attractive to women, right? And even the term high value man.
I hate that shit so much.
Same, but,
who determines the value? I think if, if you're talking about the dating market, the person who makes the value is the opposite person. You know what I mean? Like, you're only a high value man if women see you as a high value man. Not if men see you as a high value man, because that's not the market.
You know, I'm not gonna say their names, but now all these fucking, like, pro-men podcasters that sit there and just be like, "You're high value because you're strong, you're high value because you are, your ancestors killed saber-toothed tigers." Like, they have convinced people that are sitting in their fucking basement and playing video games for 20 hours a day, which, I'm not saying anything bad about that, I love video games. But like, they have convinced those people that like,
they, they need to go out and grab respect by the fucking horns and rein it, rein it in, without giving the respect to other people.
No, and like, that's my point, like I'm saying, the term high value man, like, who determines the value? I, it makes more sense to me to be like, "Well, you're, you're a high value man because a lot of women want you." Not because a lot of dudes want you. Like, if you're a straight guy-
Oh, that's gay, and that's cool.
Well, yeah, no, that's not what I'm talking about though, but like, if you're a straight guy, if you're a high value man, that means that women are determining the value, because those are the people that are choosing. You know what I mean?
A supply and demand, baby, I completely get it.
So like, you're saying you wanna be a high value man because other men think that you're high value or something? Like, you're trying to prove a point to other men, like, that doesn't, but that doesn't, like, you're, you're isolating-
Joey, this is what, this is-
I know that, I'm not like confused, I'm just like talking.
But you are confused, and-
I'm not confused.
You're stupid.
What are you talking about?
I think, so Joey, right before we were recording, was saying that he believes he is a high-value man, and that people should be impressed when he walked into the room. Like, Joey said, he's like, "When I walk to the room, people say like, 'Oh my god, that's a guy that means more than anyone else in here.'"
I know, I'm talking out of my ass, honestly.
Now, yeah, now, I was getting to a point and you just...
I know, and I appreciate your point, but I also think that this is a comedy show, that we talk a lot about comedy.
Sorry, catch up.
Go ahead.
You don't want to talk about that? What do you want to talk about?
No, you can talk about it. I'm fucking around, Jesus Christ, Joey.
I was in the middle of the thing!
Good for you! You were in the middle of the thing, you made your point, that these people are idiots. We crossed that bridge back at fucking Timbuktu!
Okay, so go ahead. Sorry. How's your day going?
It was going good.
Can someone explain how these things always are bubbling?
What is carbonation?
Carbonation is gas.
CO2.
Yeah, it's carbon dioxide.
Is it CO2?
I think so. Yeah. That they pump into it.
But there's always bubbles. You ever have a glass of champagne, and there's one, it's like one bubble?
And it's getting like, bigger?
And it just goes one line straight up.
Oh, yeah, what the fuck is that?
How is that a thing? Where does it choose to go?
Why are we asking Ant as if he knows? This is the guy that walked over with a vodka Diet Coke.
I'm not even sure.
He crushed it, too, good for you.
Yeah, I was debating getting another one.
You should. You should get another one.
No, it's okay.
You should butt-chug another one.
Okay. How many days a week do you think you drink? Oh, can't answer that on here, can I? Yes, you can, because your parents aren't listening. Probably like, four.
That's more than half of the days of the week.
Three?
That's less than half.
Two!
Be honest, though.
Four.
Four days a week? Yeah, four. Let me ask you another question. So, I'll ask you two, then I'll get to you, because I know your answer is double.
If you're going out...
Like, let's say, we're...
Set the scene, set the scene for me, because going out and like, eating...
Okay. I'm not gonna say, like, let's say that, like...
Becca and the... Kids are like. Somewhere else. They went on a vacation somewhere and you're not there.
Without me?
Things okay at home?
I'm trying to, I'm trying to set a scene where it's like you don't have like responsibilities to go back to or anything like that.
I can come out with me and I have no responsibilities.
Oh, that's not what I'm saying. My, my, you'll, you'll see what I'm saying. If you, if you don't have like that whole thing and it's like, okay, you're gonna, you're, we're, me and you are gonna go out.
And get after it?
I guess. How many drinks? Do you think that you would usually have on a night out like that?
Well, again, like, am I, are we getting after it or are we just like casually, just like a dinner?
Um, okay. So it's like a dinner and then we'll go to a cocktail bar after.
Maybe like three, maybe three. I would say one at dinner, maybe two at dinner and then one at the cocktail bar. But like if we're going for it. And it's like.
What is going for it? Like, I don't know, like the.
Two thousand eleven.
It's not two thousand eleven. It's today.
Okay. Yeah, I would say three.
Three drinks.
Yeah, I would say.
How many would you say?
I feel like my answer is kind of boring. I, I don't, I, I would just match whoever is drinking the most.
Yeah, like you can't.
Whoever's drinking the most out of the group.
That's all I'll, I'll match. I'll find my buddy and we'll, we'll go after it.
So if we go out, so dinner and cocktails, we're talking about, let's say dinners at seven thirty.
And then we go out for cocktails or, and we're done by like eleven.
Okay. So that's three and a half hours.
So like a drink an hour?
That's not my answer.
What's yours? More?
My answer is as much as Joe drinks essentially.
I think like, again, like it, it, you have to match the atmosphere. If the people at the table are just like, yo, we're gonna have a night. Then, then it's like, all right.
It's not about having a night because like. If you drink, uh, drink an hour. There's never, uh, oh, it's going down. Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank.
He wasn't looking at the cup.
Um. No, I, cause I don't know. I was just curious.
How many, how many would you, how many do you order?
I think then when I go out with my friends. If we're going. Going out, if I go out at like seven o'clock, I'll usually have like five.
Okay. I'm not going to a place and ordering one. I'm not doing it.
I think like I'm.
I could do one.
I mean, yeah, well, yeah, I'm just saying, like, why am I here?
I just, I can't do alcohol the way I used to.
I, I don't.
I just can't. Like, this is, this is crazy.
Like, I don't know how we used to do this and then be like, let's get another.
I feel like back then, you were like, I wanna say worse and make it like that, but like, you could drink a lot of beer.
Dude, I, this is not an exaggeration. If we're going like college, I could have drank this and then another.
That's insane.
Don't get me wrong, I would have been very drunk.
But like, I would have been able to get through it. Bro, I don't think you realize, cause like, we also drank, the way that we were drinking was different. Now, we're like casual, you know what I mean? Like, we're poor one, we're like, ugh, let's uh, no, like, it was just, it was a lot more binge drinking like back then than it is now.
And it was also the way at which we were, bro, we would drink, think about this, we would play fucking ten games of beer pong a night. That's a beer in those, two beers in those cups, so one beer per person, and we would have a drink in our hand while we were doing it.
Like.
It's a lot.
That's a lot of fucking alcohol.
It's kinda crazy.
It's a little, yeah, it's a little crazy.
When you think about it.
Yeah, dude. I, bro, we have pictures.
If I go out and it's just dinner, it's a little date night.
Two?
Something like that.
Yeah, one or two.
I don't see my friends that often, so like, maybe like, I don't know, like, every other weekend on average, maybe? Something like that? But there's like times where I don't, I don't see my friends for like a month or something like that. But like, if I'm going out, like, it's usually like five or six drinks. If it's that sort of.
If the idea is to go out and, and enjoy, like.
Day drinking?
Day drinking, I can drink all day.
Well, that's what I'm saying, like, if, if you're like, oh, we're going to this thing at noon. That's a mistake. My issue.
Is burpy.
No, no, no, no.
You're a burpy boy.
Well, I am. I do.
Well, you're sorry, you're a.
Yeah. Cause I have that thing. I have a disease. People told me I have a disease.
You do?
It's called like something R or P D or or.
You have, you have P Diddy?
No, I don't have P Diddy. It's R. It's C three P O or R two D two.
R two D two D D.
But it's, it's something where it's like you can't burp, so it doesn't.
There he goes. Oh, hiccups? Oh, no.
No. Um. Oh, yeah, I don't know how to pronounce that. It's like retrograde. Crocoferengial?
Yeah, we got, everyone's got fucking college degrees over here.
Degrees now.
College dungarees.
Degrees. R C P D.
I got the C three.
That's it. Like when I was talking about it on the show, someone messaged me and they're like, this is what it is. I have it too. And then I started getting like fed a bunch of TikToks about it and I was like, this is me.
I don't care. So I'm just.
One more beer is gonna start swinging.
I'm not gonna start swinging. I'm gonna start crying.
I'm an emotional drunk. Don't do that. You know, you, you used to be Joey Muscles back in the day.
You're referring to like two thousand thirteen.
Yep. That's why I said back in the day.
Yeah, twelve years ago?
Yes, absolutely.
People change.
No, I know that obviously, but like back in the day, you used to be Joey Muscles. I've always been a very happy, fun drunk. I, I, that's something I hold very, in very high regard because we know people that when they drink, it's like. This is the worst person to be around in the world.
Yeah. Do you think? That we'll get to a point in life where it's like? Drinking is like cigarettes to us?
Yeah, absolutely.
Right?
I think, and honestly, I think we're pretty close. There was a study that came out a couple of years ago that like the generation. That's like turning twenty one.
Z doesn't drink, yeah.
They are drinking significantly less.
And we, we, we, when we did the Penn State show, we joked about that and they were like, no, we're drinking, brother. But like, that's a college crowd.
But I do think that alcohol is becoming less. Popular. You know? With the current generation.
I think eventually there'll just be a pill that you take beforehand and it like just gets rid of the effects anyway. Like I think eventually everyone's gonna be able to do whatever they want.
I think people are not drinking because of hangovers. I think they're not drinking because it's like not good.
Well, there is stuff now. He means like there's, there'll be a pill that you can take.
Like in the future, yeah.
That like you could feel drunk. There, it, it's called drugs, brother. They have those. They have those. They absolutely have them already.
It's called drugs, my guy. So that's what that is. Um, but yeah, I mean, we got so close. Well.
Some of us got closer.
Some of us. Are you closer than me?
Yeah, a little. Oh, no.
I, you know, I did picture this is how this would end.
Frankie's trying. Someone's gotta throw up.
I'm below you.
I beat you.
You're in the middle?
Just take from the spout.
Oh, wow.
I spilled a little.
Damn.
Alright, you win. You win.
I can't do this.
He has always said if.
That's kinda crazy. I, I, I, I.
Sorry, mom.
Um, anyway.
Has your mom said like, don't be drunk on the internet?
Oh, well, cuz I. Sorry, Liz. My mom. Sorry.
Nancy is her name, Frank.
But yeah, 500th episode.
Next time we'll do this with vodka.
You would do something like that.
It would. It would do it.
That would be the Piggie Boys, like, we're doing vodka towers. Like, bro, you guys are crazy. Yeah, you guys are sickos.
You are sickos.
Thank you.
Just wanna say, 500 episodes of the Base Me Yard. Very crazy. I can say, as, you know, I, when I started the podcast, I thought of it as a thing that was very supplementary to what I was doing at the time.
And just being like, you know, this is cool. I liked, it was the first time I heard myself on a microphone. It sounds really cool to hear your voice in headphones and through a microphone or whatever.
I don't like it. I don't like hearing my voice.
We abandoned the headphones, but I did, I was like, oh, this wow, this feels like very professional or whatever. And it was like cool to me and, but it never felt like the thing. And now it's just brought so much um to my life. So I appreciate it. 500 episodes of the show. And it's really cool. I'm really proud of it. I'm glad that you're here doing the thing with me too. And also happy that you're here.
We're doing it together.
He thought I was gonna say something negative?
I thought you were gonna say, I uh.
No, no, I'm happy Ant's here too.
Oh. Yeah, we are. You've been great.
Some people hate the addition of you. I'll say that.
Yeah, that's life.
It's fine.
That's life.
That's what all them people say. You're flying high in April, shot down in May.
But I know I'm gonna play that tune.
When I'm back on top, back on top in June. And they say that's life.
I can't deny it.
I don't know, tongue mouse. Thank you guys so much uh for being around for 500 episodes. Hopefully you're around for 500 more at least.
A couple more.
A couple more at least.
And tell your friends. Tell your friends.
But not even gonna do a regular sign off, but we appreciate you guys. Thank you so much. Uh, love it. What a ride. Having a great time. Thank you guys so much.
Love it. Dub it. Fibs and fubs it.
See you next time.
Beautiful.
Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated