The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard.
We're back.
He's all in red.
I'm all in red.
The lady in red.
Is that a song?
I think it is.
Lady in red, it is a song.
Lady in red.
Got it.
What, alright, who's by it?
I don't know if that's right.
Who sings it?
Joel?
Billy Joel is singing Lady in Red?
I don't know.
He doesn't strike me as a red guy. He's like a blue guy. Blue collar, blue like, "I'm Billy Joel, blue, blue." Red is more like a...
Sexy and dirty.
Like a, well, I don't...
Mean.
No, what is going on? Well, mean, yes. Do you associate any feelings with colors? I know we're getting into like...
Psychologically, that is a real thing that happens.
I know, it's synesthesia, or something like that, right?
No, that's like when you can see colors.
Oh, okay.
With like words and...
So like, it's psychological. I know like McDonald's and a lot of restaurants use red because it makes you feel like hungry and stuff like that, but like, Joey.
Go.
Forget about McDonald's.
Name a color, I'll tell you the feeling.
Green.
Earthy.
Yeah, but see, that's not a, that's not a feeling. You can't feel earthy.
Uh, green? That's an interesting one.
Green is like happy. It's like, "Yeah, yeah." That's happy for me.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Um, I get that, yeah, no, it's not bad. It's a good one, it's like an upper.
It's, oh, yeah, okay.
You know? What about, what about... Yellow?
Oh, yellow is like kinda dirty.
What?
Yeah, to me, yellow is like, yellow and brown and orange is like kinda like muddy and dirty.
Brown is, you're making it sound horny, though, when you say it.
It's not, it's not what I said at all.
Brown to me is just very like...
You're assigning the sexuality to it.
Strong, like brown is strong.
Yes, brown is...
And like charcoal and like...
Well...
Do you know what I'm saying?
I, I think you're saying...
Paper cuts.
I'm just talking as things are happening.
I think red is very like, you know, like, yeah. Like evil.
Cat?
And like, no, cat.
Red is like, to me, red is like, energy and explosiveness.
Explosions.
Yeah.
I see that red, also a combination of stuff, too.
What's a sad color?
Sad? Gray?
Gray, like, I think Eeyore, you know, like, Eeyore's like, boo.
Navy blue to me is also like...
Navy blue to me is like regal, like, I think it's because of the navy in it.
Could be.
It's just like, it's a very like, yeah, I wanna salute you because of the navy blue that you're wearing.
What does white do for you?
I'm terrified of it.
I knew you were gonna do, do that.
No, I think, honestly...
Oh, actually, white, black and white are not colors?
Yeah, I think they're like hues and shades or something like that.
One time I told someone that I love the color black and they're like, it's not a color, it's a, the absence of color. It might have been you, or you.
It's, honestly, I was gonna say you should've attacked them, but it is possible that it was me.
So, don't attack me.
I won't.
Um, but, do you, I don't, I can't remember the last time I saw you wear red. Do you wear red? You don't strike me as a red guy. You're like...
I have a red jacket that I've worn.
You're like, I don't wanna say muted, but like, your color palette that works for you is more whites and creams and browns and blacks, like, it's not very like poppy color, like, if you walked in with a pink shirt, I think I would, my eyes would fall out of my head.
I did wear a yellow rain jacket on the last episode.
That was orange, we've talked about that quite a bit.
It's up for debate.
No, it is certainly not up for debate.
Just so we're all clear.
I may have some sort of blindness, because it feels like very obviously yellow to me.
Brother, I think at this point in time, you would know if you had a form of color blindness.
This is like, yellow obviously.
That's very yellow.
And like, the jacket, do I have the jacket?
The jacket's over there on the table, we don't need to get up and get it.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do this over again.
Like, that's orange.
Of course.
But that's like a deep orange.
Deep.
Deep and red and orange.
That was a weird moment, but wait, hold on, hold on, I wanted to start this episode with something important, not important. I, it was a little dramatic. Uh, on my flight home, I just learned this thing. I had the weirdest interaction you can possibly have with a flight attendant ever. I went to the bathroom and I get up there. Well, first of all, I stand up. Turbulence immediately. I'm bouncing around, the fucking piss in my bladder is bouncing around like loose change in a dryer. Question, um, so I was on this flight. It was on our way home from Dublin, uh, Ireland, as they call it over there. Um, I noticed that they like, you, you're not allowed to walk up by where you rich people are. You know what I'm saying?
They close the curtains.
They close the curtains and, and then on top of closing the curtains, there's a sign that says, "Don't come up here unless you're one of us."
Does it say that?
Yeah, which is crazy. Like segregation exists on planes, apparently.
Big time.
I don't like it, but like, was the bathroom nicer?
It's a slightly bigger bathroom than I've been in other plane bathrooms. That sentence meant nothing. That literally meant nothing. I tried to make it-
Slightly bigger.
It was slightly bigger as mu-
But like-
That's the, I made it so hard. That's all I wanted to say.
Could I, cause I, I know you were in, uh, like first class, whatever it was called. Um, I don't remember.
Delta one.
Yes, there it is. Like, was there like, was the perks perky? Were they perky perks? Were they like, worth it? Because you were up there and I was just like, damn, I could see you first of all.
So like, it's not like you were like in like another wing.
Through the door that they closed. Don't come in here.
Through the fucking net that they closed and hissed at us.
You can look through the net, you gnats.
But like, were, were the perkeys, were the perks perky for you?
Um, I don't know because-
Any, I've, I haven't flown internationally that much, but I usually try to book Delta one. But where you are sitting, I think you guys got the same shit as me.
As far as like the food.
Uh, probably. And I think drink, I mean, I didn't drink on the plane, but like.
Bro.
Crazy thing, by the way. On our flight, they made an announcement that main cabin ran out of alcohol.
Bro, cause they were like, what? There was like four guys, like, uh, two, like, uh, aisles in front of me and to the right that were pounding drinks.
They ran out of alcohol.
And they were just like, we're the ones that did it. Yeah. They were like, they, they said that all they had left was red wine.
That's insane.
Yeah. I mean.
Um, but yeah, no, the, the perks are like, whatever. I mean, I do it because I like to lay down. Like, like obviously.
That makes sense. Yeah.
I would rather do that. And I have a lot of miles, so I can like bring the price down and stuff. Um, but, so I go up to the bathroom and there's a flight attendant right there and they're like kind of talking to another flight attendant. And
Uh, the door says it's in use. You know, when you lock it and the thing says occupied.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm just waiting. And then the guy turns to me and he goes, oh, you don't know the trick? And I'm like, what? Because I'm like, what is he talking about? Like how to hold in my piss or something? Like I didn't know what he meant. And he's like, you can unlock it from the outside.
I knew that.
And I was like, how the, why the fuck would I do that?
The little, yeah, well, that's the question. Because I've seen them unlock it. They like that little like cover they pick it up.
The thing that says, uh, lavatory, but it says like lavatory or whatever, right? You can lift that. And it's like a little thing and you can unlock the door. And I had no idea.
Yeah, I knew that. Yeah.
But also.
You've seen them do it? Cause I've seen them do it, but also, why would you do that?
Why did they lock it is my question too.
Why would they like, be like, you don't know the trick? Like this is a trick of the trade? Like, we're just gonna make it look.
Also, bro, do you think I'm gonna make the judgment call of like, there's no one in there. Let me unlock it?
That is risky.
Risky business. Let me tell you.
And I was on the verge of a big steamy piss. So someone would've got covered.
Yeah, I don't know why that was difficult for me to comprehend what you were saying.
But yeah, I just thought that was so weird cuz he's like, and then I so I went to the bathroom, peed, you know, did whatever, shut the door, and then I was like, hey, thanks, man, appreciate it. And he's like, now you can do it whenever you want. And I was like, dude, why do you want me to open bathrooms that are locked?
That was a freak of a flight attendant.
Yeah, it was like a weird guy. He was just like, you don't know the...
He was perky.
He was like, you don't know the trick? Oh my god. But he was like, now you can do whatever you want. And I'm like, no, I can't. Against the law, illegal.
Is it?
Opening a locked bathroom? It's gotta be.
I don't know. I mean, we're, we're, I, I...
Also, I don't need to panic now. Now that I know that's a thing, every time I take a poop on an airplane, now I'm gonna be like, oh my god. Someone can get in here and like...
Yeah, I mean, that is kinda terrifying. Now you're scaring me. And you know how I feel on planes, already scared most of the time.
So like now, I will say, those plane bathrooms were pretty big. Like, I got in there and I was just like, there's space. Cuz normally, I have pretty broad shoulders. Um, it's, you know, I get in there and I'm, I have to like,
Can't even go anywhere.
piss like Uncle Fester.
You know?
You gotta piss like you're freezing.
Jesus.
I don't know. But, yeah, oh, now, I'm letting you know. Next flight we're on, if you're not like guarded by like the royal guards of the planes, I'm going to, when you're in the bathroom, open the door.
Don't, I'll cause a scene. I'll get you on no fly. Is that possible?
Well, the fucking flight attendant was just like, do it. He like fucking like,
Yeah, he was trying...
schoolboy bullied you into like opening this fucking bathroom on people.
You don't know the trick?
I'll, I'll, you know what? I won't do it. I'll pay a med to do it.
What's that gonna do?
That, I mean, you never know.
My least favorite part of the plane bathroom is, it, it's been different things, but now, like, obviously, the faucet is annoying, how it like stops and you gotta, but now, it's like, I'm trying to just throw the trash out. Like, I'm trying to throw these towels out. And it's like, it's closing on my finger.
Yep, and now you have to double wash.
And you're making me like touch it and then touch the, and the opening is so small.
Agreed.
My hands are dirty again.
See, my issue is, and I, I think we spoke about this, but like, this sinks are not deep enough.
So like, I can't get my hands in there to wash them because... I can't shrink my hands.
I can't have little baby hands like yours. So like, when I get in there, it's like, as I'm washing my hands, it's like scraping the bottom of the sink.
And it's like, it's ruined.
You know how I get out? I shoulder the thing. I throw my shoulder into the lock.
Oh, I didn't even think of that. I just.
I, I do the forearm. Or, yeah.
I.
Like I won't. Yeah, I'll do that too.
Just to, just to get out.
Dude, I loved during covid when like bathrooms had that foot pedal.
Bring that back.
That is a good one. That is a good one. Also, big fan of the places that have the, like, they have like a new opening mechanism where it's like a bar, so you can put your forearm in it. But then like the angle is weird. Yeah, you've never seen that? You've ever seen that?
No, what are you talking about?
I've seen it before.
It's on a door? It's like you put your arm in it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like a handle. You know how like the handle comes out and comes out like that, but then there's like a bar that goes up. So it's like, you know, you can kind of open it like that, put your foot in, skedaddle on out of there. But you are correct. The foot pedal is.
I love the foot pedal.
Way better.
I am not a fan of like, when you go to bathrooms and it's all just one bathroom, but just little stalls for like individual people.
Are you crazy?
No, because it's not like, like anyone could be next to you.
Yeah, dude, a normal bathroom, I, in Europe, they, they love that.
I know.
Where it's one door, and then you walk in, and then it's like a sink, and like soap or whatever, and then there's two stalls, separate stalls, that are like full doors. But in an other bathroom, it would just be like, the half stalls, which I don't love. If I gotta take a dump in public, I'm already, I wanna lose my mind. Make, put me in a room.
Dublick, by the way.
Dump, dump in public.
Is a dublick.
A dublick.
I, I, I, and also, if I go into a, a public bathroom, whether it be restaurant, bar, anywhere, there better be more than two stalls. There has to be more than two stalls. Because if someone's pissing right here, I better have the chance to put a, a barrier, a barrier, a piss barrier in between us. If it's just stall on stall, and there's only two. I can't do it. Not that I'm like, it's just like, make it three, minimum. Minimum.
I, but I like being in my own little room. I think that in the US, I don't know why we do this thing where it's like, you can see people's feet underneath. Bro, put the door to the ground. Put the whole, put me in a box. There's no reason for this.
I, I, I can't really recall the last time I saw, like, in the US, like, a full, like, head-to-toe bathroom stall.
I, or they just do completely separate, like, the whole thing is in one little room, like, which I, I'm also, I'm on board for that too, but, always a line for those.
Yeah. Bathrooms are weird. You know how I feel about bathrooms. I'm all over the place. It's funny that you say that you brought up the interaction with the flight attendant on that flight because I, like, so I was just like, my stomach was bothering me. I was eager to get home and I was sitting there and the woman's like, "Do you want anything to drink?" And I was like, "No." And she looks at me and she goes,
I was like, "What?" I was like, "Wha-" I didn't get it, like-
Kill yourself.
Just didn't know. Like, I just, she just like, I don't know if she was signaling to someone else, but she was looking at me.
But she was like, "Oh, you don't want anything."
But, but like, you could hear me. Cause you know how like, like, weird like planes sound, like, you just can't really hear that well? But I said, I was just like, I can hear her well. I was just like, "No." And she's like, "No, you're good?" I was like, "No." And she goes,
I was like, "What, what is that?"
Did she go shoulder to shoulder or she cut her neck?
Bro, well, she didn't go like The Undertaker, you know? She wasn't doing that, but she did like the, you know, like the, like this. You know who this is.
At you? What did you say or do?
I was just like, I crumbled, honestly.
You like froze.
I didn't know what to do. I was like, "Oh, oh."
That's so weird.
It was just a weird, I don't know if she was upset that I didn't want a drink? Do you ever order a drink because you're worried if they're gonna get like offended that you don't get one?
On a plane?
No.
Okay. Me neither, but I just didn't know.
It sounds like you do, though.
No, no, no, no, I'm just saying like, they're like doing their job and it's just like, "Well, I paid for this, so I might as well get a water or something," you know?
Yeah, I mean, sometimes they'll do like, "Oh, do you want your meal?" And I'm like, "No," cause like, either I'll eat in the airport, so I'm just like, "I'm not gonna eat on this plane."
Bro, first of all, anytime there's a meal offered, like, for free, included with my seat, I'm getting it because I paid for it. I'm sorry, that's my mentality. It's just like, I paid for it, I'm gonna get it. It's gonna suck.
But I'm gonna get it. The guy next to me on the way to Scotland, first of all, sits down next to me, immediately opens like an old timey, like, you know how like women in the seventies would keep like their like...
Yeah, yeah.
This kind of thing. It's like a metal case.
You know what I'm talking about? Opens that, just pills thrown about. And here's the thing.
Damn.
People take pills, that's on them. But these were not all the same pills. They were all different pills that like, I can't look at a pill and tell you what it is. I know there are people that can. But like, it was like four different types of pills. And he just went like this.
But it was just a potpourri of pills.
And he, yeah dude. And he just took them and...
How many?
He, whatever you could fit in this.
He just clawed it?
He clawed it, took them, swallowed them.
Passed out.
And then put his hood up and went to sleep. Then, I don't know who this guy was, but I was thinking like, this guy might be somebody because he's kind of doing this with a lot of confidence. Then he goes, she goes, "You want your meal?" He doesn't even say yes or no. He said, "I'm going to sleep. Keep it warm for me when I wake up."
What, what is this, your wife? What are you talking about?
Bro, I was blown away, cuz I couldn't even believe the gall to speak to someone like that. Is that even an option?
It, it happened. It was fucking...
Keep it warm for me sweetheart.
7:30 when we got breakfast on that red eye, and out comes Tortellini.
And I was like, how did this guy fucking finagle this whole situation?
It's 8 a.m., he's eating the short rib from last night.
Yeah dude, I was so confused.
Wow.
I didn't know, honestly, I thought being on a plane, it's just like, you're, you're, you're in our confines. You do what we're telling you you can do.
Yeah, like your shit will come when we bring it out.
Well, like you go to a restaurant and like you could be like, "I want this, I want that, you know, hold this," or da-da-da-da-da. This guy was making edits to his order. I was just like, this is nuts. I didn't know you could do this in the sky.
You're just at a restaurant, you're like, yeah, I'll have this, this and this. Bring it in two hours.
What? Basically what he did. But also like, when I wake up, bro, if I'm a flight attendant, I'm not paying, I'm not paying attention to when you're awake or not.
I'm just gonna see you and be like, you're another person on this flight.
The plane is one of the places, the plane and the gym are the two places that I'm noticing that I've become very agitated by people. Where like, when people are just so oblivious and it's like, you're clearly not thinking you're in a public place.
Like you're the only person here and you're just doing all these things. There's a guy that goes to my gym and it's an apartment building gym. It's not even a public gym.
And he shows up in like jeans and he like trains some dude, I don't, I guess, or something. But he'll have like a coffee and his keys and his wallet and he'll just like leave it everywhere. And like on the bench or whatever and it's like, they're not even using it. And I'm like, bro, how? And talking mad loud.
It's like, bro, how are you not realized?
Can I ask you, how old's this person?
Uh, he looks like he's like late 30s.
Oh, that's worse.
I was gonna say, that sounds pretty in line with what you expect from like someone in like their late 40s, early to mid 50s, maybe even 60s, because they just, they, it's their world. We're just fucking living in it. You know, but like late 30s is a bit nuts.
Or like people get on a flight and they'll make an announcement like before you board and they're like, it's a full flight and if you're in these rows, then you're gonna have to like, you know, check your bag or whatever the fuck, you know, sometimes they make announcements like that. And then people get on this plane and they put their bag, their personal item, they start taking off their clothes, then put their clothes up there. And then they, then they sit down, then in the middle of boarding, will pop back up and take their bag down and then start getting stuff that they need out of their bag. And everyone's waiting for you. It's like, bro, get these people out of here!
I will say, I think that is the, the absolute, exact description of just like an entitled, American asshole.
It's horrible dude.
It's pretty bad. But it's not, you know, that's not us. That's all we could do.
In Europe, I did notice that like, there is no rules when deboarding.
Grab your shit, get off.
Well, also, like, the people, like, here typically, it's like, if the rows ahead of you, there are people sitting down, you wait, they get out, they grab their stuff and they go. In Europe, everyone's flying off that plane.
And like, I'm trying to pick a time to get in so I can just grab my shit and there's just old people fucking sending it.
Bro, I couldn't believe how easy those flights were, in terms of like, how quick they were. Bro, from the fucking, the first flight we did from Scotland to London, it was just like, we get up, bing, we're on our way down.
You know, like, it's crazy how like, close everything is.
But how different a lot of them feel.
The accents, the fucking, architecture, everything.
Bro, there was, I mean, in America, we talk about like, the accents we have in America. I feel like in England alone, there's way more accents than there are.
Oh yeah.
Stuff here. You know, and I can't, I can't do them, so don't even ask me, Joe.
Oh Frank, can you do them?
Uh, no.
Yeah, no, it's interesting. Um, but,
yeah, that's that. We do have some sponsors for today. We do have some sponsors for today. Uh, how you doing?
Doing pretty well.
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BetterHelp is online therapy, so you want to talk to a therapist, in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session. I've looked at in-person therapy before, sometimes it's double that. It's wild. Depends where you are, but it's very expensive, but BetterHelp, you know, you can save up to 50% per session on there, so it's more affordable, it's customizable, you can do it at whatever frequency you want, you want to talk on the phone, you want to text, you want to do whatever, you want to do it weekly, or bi-weekly, bi-monthly, you can do it, whatever you want, it's customizable for you, so, go check them out. You can go to BetterHelp.com/basementyard today, and you'll get 10% off of your first month. So if you just want to start therapy, you can do so.
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What is it, Encarta?
You don't remember Encarta?
Is that like a browser?
I think it was like, it was an old Wikipedia, like, pre, like encyclopedia thing. Encarta 95, anyone remember that?
Uh, sounds familiar now.
And then like Netscape?
I do remember that.
You know, Netscape. Oh, that was before you. You were born what year again? 19, 2004?
Yeah, something like that.
192000. Uh, need to tell you a story.
Uh oh.
I know you're gonna love it. I know you get very scared about stuff.
You know how I am then.
So, listen, more alien shit.
Come on, I don't like alien shit.
I don't know why this isn't talked about in the news, but there was this alien story is bananas.
Hold on, before you get to this, what did you say before our flight? Cause you know how I am before flights. Anyone, someone brings something up, I'm like, ugh.
Oh, I said I looked up the turbulence and it was bad.
Right before we're about to get on our flight, he goes, "Oh."
No, it was the day before.
Whatever. Still right before.
If it made you feel any better, and I also omitted this information, I don't know why, because I was afraid that you would be upset that I would even bring up turbulence again.
I was.
But I looked it up the next morning and it looked like, they were like, "Oh, nevermind, it's not gonna be that bad."
Okay, thank God.
But also on the flight, there was a guy next to me who had like, oh, like a flight weather thing open, and I just saw, I looked over and I saw red. So, fuck, wait a-
Like a whole computer?
Yeah dude.
Oh that's.
And he was like tracking it and shit and I was just like, oh god, here we go. Alright, ruined my week with this alien stuff.
Okay, so, I don't know why the news hasn't talked about this or, and people don't know about it, but like, this is wild to me.
I'm fine, I'm fine not knowing, you know how I am, ignorance is fucking-
You don't have a choice, the other people do. Uh, the CIA, there was a CIA document, uh, explained that the alleged aircraft was flying low and quietly above the Soviet, a Soviet unit, um, while they were engaged in a training mission. Long story short-
Soviet unit?
Yeah, like, a Soviet-
Like a, like a, like a Russian plane?
They were over Russia and the fucking army there.
Okay.
Anyway, shut off my volume. So there was a low-flying aircraft over like Russia, long story short, shot it down, right?
Russians don't fuck around, man.
Not at all.
Oh no.
So according to the only two soldiers who survived, when the soldiers approached the craft, they shot it down, five aliens freed themselves of the debris and came close together near the wreck. Moments later, the soldiers said the group of aliens merged into a single object that acquired a spherical shape.
Acquired a spherical shape?
Yeah, like, it, it like, became like a s- orb, essentially. So five of them got out, they got close together, became one circular dude.
You know? And then, uh, a new ball-like alien began to buzz and hiss before igniting into a brilliant white light. And then twenty-three out of twenty-five of these soldiers turned into stone. That's what this thing says. How is no one talking about this?
Turned into stone? Medusa's up there? Oh god.
Let me be very fucking clear about something. This isn't a bit. This isn't for he-he's, ha-ha's. This isn't for anyone else but me.
I hate this, really. Like, in my soul, I hate hearing stuff like this. And I was just talking, that's so crazy that you brought this up. I had to fix my hair.
I was just talking with my sister-in-law about this, and she's like, "Why? Why don't you like to hear about all this stuff?" And I was like, "Because there's this beautiful little island of ignorance that I live on, where it's nice to not hear stuff like this." Because guess what's gonna go through my head now, tonight?
Turning into stone?
That fucking waking up and seeing my children and wife is a ball of stone.
No, no, the people...
I don't, don't specify it.
Turned into stone poles, is what they said.
Stone poles?
Yeah, like stripper poles? Like, what does that mean?
Stone Pole, Alien Austin! Stone Pole, Steve Austin!
Um, it said, "The only reason why two of the men survived is because they were standing in a shaded area at the time of the..."
What the hell does that even mean?
I think that maybe that just means they were behind a wall or something.
Oh my god. Well then how would they have seen the ball, the rat king of aliens?
I think they saw, like, the bright light.
But then how would they know that they formed into a spherical alien ball?
Bro, I don't know.
First of all, where are you getting this from?
This is Daily Mail!
Daily Mail. Are you sure this isn't the text thread that you're in with Alex Jones?
But... According to the Journal of Applied Physics, "It is possible to use high-energy radiation or electromagnetic pulses to change normal matter into plasma, a form that is not liquid, solid, or gas." CA described aliens as "short humanoids with large heads and large black eyes."
Let me ask you a question. If you're going as far enough to shoot this thing out the sky, why are you even giving them a chance to become an alien ball? Because hear me out! They didn't know they were gonna be an alien ball? Hear me out, brother. I'm not Russian. Let's imagine I am, okay?
Hold on. Okay, go.
Got it. I shoot this thing... Do your best gun noise. Ready, three, two? Pew! Come on, give me a better gun noise. I went with one click, though, Joey.
Thank you.
Once I walk over and I see something move, guess what I'm doing with the rest of the ammo in the chamber?
Yeah, it's gone.
I already went as far enough to shoot this thing out the sky.
I don't think they knew that, what it was yet. And then they saw aliens, bro, imagine you witnessed this. Where five aliens came out of this thing and then just formed into a super mega fucking one.
You know I love Megazords, so I, a part of me is-
Would a part of you be hyped? You'd be like, "Oh my god, they're turning into-"
No, no, no, no, no.
Citing like old Power Ranger episodes?
That looks just like the 1997 Doctor Ooze or whatever the fuck.
You're two years off, 1995 is when the movie came out, and Ivan Ooze, he wasn't a doctor as far as we know.
I'm just saying.
That's so crazy.
I'm just saying. I wouldn't even give, bro, the moment I saw this thing start to move, I'm shooting again. I'm not giving it a chance to form a ball with its boys, dude.
Yeah, nah.
I'm not giving it a cha- and then they were like, it started buzzing and hissing. Guess what that ball of alien is getting?
Hissing.
More bullets.
Bro, anything hisses at me, my immediate reaction is to kick it at least.
Dude, this is wild.
There's no way, no goddamn way. I am fine, bro, there are so many stories that come out and it's just like, "The government's hiding it from you. They don't want you to know the truth." You know why they do that? What do they say in the movies? "We gotta protect the people. If they panic, it'll be chaos." You know who those people are? Bing! This guy right here. I don't wanna know. If they're just like, "Oh, it's like a mass conspiracy to cover up aliens turning into a big gooey ball of alien bros?" And turning people into stone poles?
You think I want that information? You think I need that information? No, let me go forever. What do you tell the families? He died, he was, he's, I mean, he's here.
He's a stone pole.
Movies or stuff where they're just like, uh, he died in combat. You know, we, we didn't recover his body. When like the body is being used to prop up the fucking construction out of Denny's or something. Like, I, I just, I don't need this. I don't.
If it takes five of them to turn into a ball and turn me to snow, snow, stone, I think we could take them. It takes five for it to work? You don't think we could?
I mean, brother, it doesn't sound like they're just like, we need five.
Twenty-three guys.
In a flash.
Twenty-three poles, dude.
Russian guys. I don't know.
Different guys.
Listen, I do not know what Russian basic training entails.
But I know that it's better than us.
I can imagine it is, they are.
Fighting bears, dude.
Brother, well, I know he's not Russian. Khabib is from what?
He's from Dagestan.
Okay, I don't know, I know he's not Russian.
Russian, I believe.
I didn't know that.
I don't want to get that wrong.
You gotta be careful. Those other two are on, they're looking for revenge.
I think Dagestan's his own country.
Okay. But they're out there, didn't he openly say he fought and trained with bears and shit like that?
He's from Russia.
Yeah, it's a republic.
Dude. If twenty-three, well, twenty-five Russian soldiers can't take down five gooey little fucks? You think I'm even giving this a second thought?
I am taking every gun that I can get my hands on and I'm emptying the clip in that direction.
Dude, speaking of the government, like lying and stuff, there was also a story about they found the Ark of the Covenant? Which I didn't know what that was.
You've never seen Indiana Jones?
No, I've never seen Indiana Jones. Uh, I'd also just, it just sounds like a, I think we've known that for a while. Still baffling you've never seen an Indiana Jones movie.
Yeah, I don't know.
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I do like whips, though. Not like that.
Oh, god.
Damn, Joey. I meant like, you know, like, get that thing off the table, like, psh.
Get that thing.
That sounds like I'm hitting my wife with a whip.
Get that off the table, tch.
No, like, uh, like his whip, you know what I mean?
I know what you're talking about.
I've dug a hole and there's no way of getting out now.
You're digging the hole right down.
That's not what I meant.
And you're just gonna live in it, it's okay.
But... I do like those whips, they're cool.
I've cracked an actual whip, and they're cool as hell.
I would never do that, I'd be afraid that I would hit myself in the face.
I mean, if you crack it this way, but if you just, whatch. Like, and it cracks, brother, that shit makes like the legit sound.
It's terrifying.
Um, I, I just, um...
Dude, they found the Ark of the Covenant.
Well, you, so you've never seen, uh, Raiders of the Lost Ark is the one with the Ark of the Covenant, so you don't even know what happens when they finally open it. Wait, what is the Ark of the Covenant?
I have it pulled up right here. According to Jewish and Christian tradition, the gold-plated wooden chest housed the two tablets bearing the Ten Commandments, uh, and there's like some old relics in there, and it's believed to be like...
Oh, so it's a treasure chest.
What do you call stuff that's like, God lives, like, his soul is, like, um...
Holy?
No, what's...
Godly?
Horcrux?
Is that not...
Scott.
I, I think, I don't know, like-
The word that I was going to use is so not what it is-
Omnisient?
What is that?
Cause like omnipotent means like of godlike status.
I was gonna say omnipre- omnipresent, but that's not it.
I mean, it's kinda, maybe.
But like, it's like god, it, it, they, yeah.
It's like god's, god's shit.
It's like, it's essentially a Horcrux for god, kind of, yeah.
Oh, so like, I'm not even gonna, I'm not even gonna-
No, you're not gonna like stab a book and he's gonna, you know-
With a basilisk fang or something, you know?
It probably won't happen that way.
But god is just like, "That's mine," and then it starts to glow.
Yeah, but apparently the CIA, uh, found it.
The CIA?
Ci- did I say that?
Oh, the CIA found it.
And then William Morris picked it up.
They, apparently they found it by using, uh, psychics.
Bro, stop!
What is happening, bro?
Bro, fucking cut it out! I'm not, this is not funny!
It says, "They conducted experiments as part of the secret Project Sunstreak."
What? So what, they had the Long Island medium out there and she's like, "Ah, anyone, anyone know what this is?" Anyway, I'm looking for the chest. I'm looking for chest, I, I'm feeling, I'm feeling chest over here, I'm feeling chest over here, something very godlike. I just, uh-
She's just, she's walking in the supermarket, she's like, "Hold on." Big chest. Ten commandments. I gotta go to the Middle East.
Wait a sec, Moses, Moses is here, Moses is here, Moses? What do you have to say, where is it? It's somewhere-
Does anyone have a mother named Mary? Anybody have a mother named Mary?
It's somewhere where the light doesn't shine. Okay, where does the light not shine? Where's, I'm getting darkness, but also the light could be figurative. Okay, you're like, I, I can't, I can't with this shit. Like, I don't think you guys realize. What is, I've said this before and I'll say it again. Fierro was on to something, okay?
Who the hell is that?
From Wicked!
Oh.
Okay? Life is more painless for the brainless. I don't need to know certain things because then I need to grapple with the reality of them. I am very comfortable.
Yeah, we get it dude, you don't want to know, but you're gonna. The CIA, the CIA conducted experiments as part of the secret Project Sunstreak, which they never, they name, never come up with good names, with individuals known as "remote viewers", a type of clairvoyant who claimed they could project their consciousness to receive information about faraway objects. So you're telling me they have a three-eyed, this is a three-eyed raven. They're like sitting there.
Oh shit, yeah, I guess so.
And then they're like going to find this chest.
See, you know, like.
There's no credible scientific evidence that remote viewing exists.
We, this is what happened, but we have no basis off of telling if it happened or not. It's just one person that wears socks on their hands in order to protect them from forever chemicals in the oxygen is telling us this, so we're gonna take it as credit and run with it. What happened to journalism, brother?
I, I.
What happened to good old Walter Cronkite is just like, you know what? I'm gonna tell them this because I know it's, I am cred, I believe it's true. Who the hell, this is, did you get this from Alex Jones too?
So you, this is Yahoo.
And when has Yahoo ever steered us wrong?
I mean, I haven't been on Yahoo in god knows how long.
Remember those commercials? Yahoo!
That's pretty good.
Individuals opening the container by prying or striking are destroyed by the container's protectors through the use of a power unknown to us.
Well, so that.
Ooh, they have a picture!
Don't look at it.
Don't, yeah, Joe, you close that. Don't look at it.
So you clearly haven't seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.
This isn't a real.
Close your eyes, Marion!
Oh, is that a thing? You can't look at it?
Well, so, I mean, spoiler for a 50-year-old movie at this point, I'm not sure exactly when it came out. Uh, but they, the Nazis find.
Hold up, the Nazis are involved in?
Raiders of the Lost Ark is, I, all of Indiana Jones, the bad guys are Nazis, except for one where it's a. Don't wanna get insensitive, but like it's, it's uh, like a, like a witch doctor or something. It's a little, well, there's a little tinge of racism in there.
Oh, I, I honestly had no idea. I thought he was like fighting old demons or something.
Well, there's a little bit of that, brother, but it starts with the Nazis. So the Nazis are like, "We are going to find something. We are going for Hitler. We are going to find the Ark of the Covenant."
Did it, did it look like this?
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know what it looks like. I don't need to see it.
Is it, you're not allowed to see it in the movie?
So they get it and then he's just like, "Don't open it." And they're just like, "Vergaiento." And then there's a back and forth and then they open it and Indiana Jones says to his lady like, "Yo, close your eyes." And then the ghosts pop out of that thing and fuck them up, dude.
Really?
They fuck these people up. You see people's faces melting and shit. You've never seen that gif?
Of the Nazi face melt?
I'm shocked.
The Nazi face melt gif?
And the fucking face and everything melts away and shit.
That's Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Yeah, dude.
And then the second one, the guy shoves his hand in the guy's chest and pulls out his heart.
I, I honestly have, I've never-
Do me a favor. I know like, I don't know if you are not watching them for any specific reason?
No, I just haven't.
You should watch them.
I mean, now at this point, I didn't know there was gonna be melted Nazis in them.
Hell yeah. There's melted Nazis, alright.
The best kind.
And if your face-
I mean, you said it. And I agreed with it.
If your face starts to melt,
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Boom.
Not, I'm, I'm not enjoying the conversations about aliens.
I'll go light, I'll go light with you. How's this?
What is, uh, you already, you just dumped all over me. What do you mean I'll go light on you? You just told me that there's balls of alien jizzing together and they're fucking turning people to stone poles.
Stone poles.
I will say this.
Yep.
If I were to die, getting turned into a stone pole doesn't sound like the worst way.
I don't know if I want to be a stone pole.
All I'm hearing is stone pole Steve Austin too.
Me too, honestly.
Every time we say it, I'm like, stone pole. Um, can you pull up the thing about KFC made a fried chicken something?
Oh, yeah.
What is it? A toothpaste?
So, yes, I, I saw this. So apparently, KFC, which I don't know if we're legally allowed to call Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore.
Why?
There was like a lawsuit years ago I heard about that it was just like, they had, they got sued because like, they couldn't legally call it.
Oh, cause it's not Kentucky?
Or, or something like that. But like, they made a fried chicken flavored toothpaste, which...
I do like fried chicken a lot.
I love fried chicken.
I would try it.
I've had flavored toothpaste before.
Yeah, but nothing that's like meat flavored, brother. It's like strawberry or mint.
Or bubble gum.
Hell yeah, now we're talking.
I used to eat toothpaste when it was like that. Not, I'm not, I know it's not good for me.
You shouldn't do that.
But I was young.
Make sure we all make that very clear.
I love bubble gum.
I will say, I, I think it was Crest, they had toothpaste, like kids toothpaste that had like little like, little, little like glitter things in it.
If you had told me it was candy, I would have eaten it with a spoon.
But I probably would have had some long lasting issues.
Uh, you want to guess the price they're selling this toothpaste at?
Oh, don't, don't tell me, they're going crazy with it now.
What's this?
What is a tube of toothpaste nowadays? Like, how much do you think that costs?
Uh, seven bucks, six bucks.
For a tube?
Yeah, brother.
Holy shit.
He hasn't brushed his teeth.
What is it, what does it cost? You know, yeah, I think it's like more expensive than you think, because everything is just giant expensive now.
I don't know why I reacted that way, because I was gonna say six.
And you said seven, eight.
Six or seven, I would say, you know, and like, that's just like the base stuff now.
Because seven, eight, nine.
There you go. So, if you get into the whole like, you know, like this is organic charcoal toothpaste that's gonna make your mouth look whiter than ever.
You ever see that where people have black toothpaste? I'm like, can't, can't do it.
So I tried, um, black mouthwash, charcoal mouthwash, stupid.
Does it make you look like you're thro- did you pretend to be like a zombie or like?
I pretended I was Danny DeVito, the Penguin.
That's a good one.
I was just like.
No, it was gross and disgusting, and it was, it didn't, it also like, it didn't feel like I was cleaning my teeth, if that makes sense.
What'd it feel like?
It just felt like I was getting, I was wishing around, whooshing around mud water in my mouth.
Ew.
And, you know, like, I know it's probably wrong, but like, you know, like, regular, like, Scope or Listerine.
They're so, they bite ya.
Strong, that it feels like I'm getting the job done. Bro, I could, yeah, I could, I could breathe ice.
After one of those. But like, yeah, I didn't like it. I would never do this.
I would say this toothpaste, if a regular tube is like seven dollars, I'm gonna say this one is twelve.
Here's the thing.
I think that they know that they have a novelty on their hands, and it's by a company, Hizmil. I don't even, I've never even heard that one.
No, I did the same thing, but was it called High Smile?
It's High Smile, cause it's a tooth, toothpaste.
I mean, it's spelled Hizmil.
Well, there's fries in the way.
Oh, the fries, it's a.
Okay, Hizmile, honestly, that would have been more of my guess, but I know I'm wrong, I just wanna make that very clear.
Right. I'm not the idiot here. It's the people that spelled it all one word.
I would do crazy things to that biscuit right now, honestly.
I'll tell you this, if they just gave me Kentucky Fried Chicken flavored chicken, I'm all about it.
I would love that. Oh my god, a bucket of chicken?
Hell, yeah.
I love that chicken comes in buckets.
It's clear, it's so American, it's, it hurts.
A plate is not enough, fill a bucket.
Yeah, hell yeah.
It's awesome.
It's clearly a novelty. So, and it's from a company I've never heard of. I imagine they, they have like more expensive stuff, you know, like you get like, now you can buy like $20 sticks of deodorant. We're all going, the world is gonna burn itself from the inside out.
You know, you know when I knew the world was ending? When I went to a Yankee game and they sold sodas that come with a cup with chicken tenders and fries?
Hey man.
And the straw goes through that. I was like, we're going down.
Hey man, that's just ingenuity.
It is ingenuity.
That is just genius modern ingenuity.
But I knew it was the beginning of the end when I saw that.
I'm gonna say this is $14.99.
Okay, so we have 12?
15, basically.
And 15. So...
Don't piss me off.
They are selling this for $72.
Seventy-two?
No, no, no. The limited edition KFC dental kit is available on His Miles.
Click on that thing, it's clickable. I wanna know what the fuck is in here.
Yeah, well, I imagine it's the toothpaste, the toothbrush. So you get, alright, let's see this. This is crazy. What's all those emojis up there for?
These are the flavors of the toothpaste.
Oh, they have just wild, crazy toothpaste flavors? So what is that? Blueberry, watermelon, loving this so far? Is that a lion's head?
I see a lightning bolt. What's that?
I figured.
This, this is sold out.
Electric.
Also, I think it is $72, by the way. They just call it the dental kit, but, uh, the lightning?
That's energy drink flavored?
Are these people trying to kill us?
Why are we not dead as a human race yet? Why?
How are we still going?
How have we made it this far? Energy drink flavored, and it's electric charge. I will say, the packaging, quality.
And?
Yes.
We should buy a couple of these.
Alright.
Hold on, is that a fucking tiramisu? Below the lightning bolt, is that a tiramisu? Oh my god, get it. I'm back, I'm back! Oh my god, buy it!
You wanna get a couple?
I am back.
Oh wait, I think it is thirteen dollars, you guys are right.
I gotta say.
Look at that.
Wait, so, alright, we were right in the middle.
So they're cheap, alright, let's get some.
Well, the dental kit, the dental kit was seventy-two, so that probably, can you find out what the dental kit comes with?
Yo, brushing my teeth with tiramisu?
Oh, I would kinda hate not loving that, I like it.
Let's check out the...
What does that mean?
Oh, Biscoff cookie toothpaste! Oh, Mikey is creaming his jocks right now, let me tell ya.
What else they got? Click on all of them dude, now I'm freaking horny.
We gotta see this. Sherbet, next, go home.
Bitch.
Ice pop, I don't hate that, Bang Pops, love Bang Pops.
What's that?
Blue raspberry.
Fire.
Kinda, okay, but it doesn't, okay, alright, keep going, Chupa Chups!
Chupa Chupa Cola.
Chupa Chups Cola?
I don't know what that is.
The hell is this?
Chupa Chups are like lollipops, I didn't know they had cola!
I don't know what these things are.
I mean, we're gonna go through all of them, bitch. Lichi? I've never had a lichi, have you?
It's very sweet.
They're okay.
Gotcha, these are sold out, okay.
Alright, let's, let's see the, let's see the Bang, the Simpsons purple squishy toothpaste.
I don't even know what that could mean.
Yeah, what does it taste like, and also, does it have anything to do with like purple ketchup? Because if, that's what we're working with, I'm kind of on board here. Uh, pistachio poppy?
Oooh.
I mean, I'm in for the, actually, no!
No?
No way! Get it out of here, dude.
I like a pistachio gelato.
I, I don't like pistachio flavored stuff. I like pistachios.
What's that, is that a cocktail in the bottom row there?
Chili marge!
Joey's gonna shove that up his butt and fucking sit.
I'm gonna spray it in.
Spray that in his ass. I will say this. This is crazy that like they, I never in a million years would have thought of like crazy, just keep going while I'm talking, Ant, while you're at it. Rainbow straps.
I got excited.
I'm just saying. It's, I never would have.
Rainbow straps sounds like something else.
Yeah. I never in a million years would have thought of like this flavored, flavored toothpaste at this level where it's just like, here, have a Chile con carne flavored toothpaste.
I think it's a good idea. Unless it's like you're, you're, it's not good to put.
I just, here's my thing that I'm scared about. What is the, what is getting that flavor?
That's what I mean.
That's what's scary because then when it's just like natural flavors or artificial flavoring, it's just like, oh, so you're just eating candy and brushing your teeth with
sugar paste at this point.
Do they have a, like a
ingredient list or something?
I don't think you need that.
Flavor with a U.
List of ingredients.
Do we have any like red 40?
They won't let you click on it. Aqua, sorbitol, glycerin, hydrated silica, xylitol flavor aroma.
Xanthan gum?
That's not good for you.
No, I don't, I mean, xanthan gum's like, fine, but.
I can't, sea salt, zinc, lactate, lime.
It doesn't look like there's anything too insane.
I just don't know what any of that stuff is.
So how can you say that?
I didn't think what you guys would.
You're just like, okay, all right, what do we have in here? Prio prostate.
Hexanidol, super.
Oh, they have pile of foxy.
Metadipuricide, that's fine.
I haven't seen anything that I know besides sea salt. And water.
Is that last thing lemonade? Oh, no, nevermind. I thought it was lemonade.
All right, let's see what other flavors, flavors we got in this bitch. By the way, you said your friend uses this toothpaste?
Danny, yeah.
Has his teeth not fallen out yet, dude?
Does he get these flavors or is he just like sticks to like, you know, the missionary of the flavors, which is peppermint?
What's the cupcake looking one?
I imagine it's probably just gonna be like birthday cake.
No, it's like down to the left, right there to the left.
Oh, I see it.
Mint chocolate toothpaste?
Oh my god, go to fucking hell!
Yo, lemme fu- lemme lemme shut up.
You know, hate this. So you're you're you're you're brushing your teeth with poop? Cool. Next, give me another flavor. I can't believe that this is a real thing in America.
Oh, gummy bear.
Uh, but again-
What do gummy bears taste like?
They taste like they're flavored like like over fruit. So like, it's orange or cherry or something, so like, gummy bear-
I'm gonna end up buying a thousand of these.
Honestly, should we have an episode where we're just brushing our teeth?
Alright, give me another baby.
Is this a frog?
Red frog toothpaste.
What the fuck is that?
This, you know what-
Is that a candy?
I, it's gotta be, because when I spelled flavor with a U, I knew this was some probably stupid Canadian shit. So, it's probably like a, like it's like a Timmy's candy up there, where it's like, "Oh, have a red frog." They're not British, but like, you know what I'm saying?
What is that one that's just letters?
Gotcha.
Strawberry cream Yoshi toothpaste.
Doesn't sound too bad.
This is too much!
What's the fourth one from the, from the top, like?
Just go line by line, just go line by line.
It just looks like a lion, what is that?
That's Chupa Chups, that's the Chupa Chups, yeah. Uh, just like, this is too much. Mint bomb? Okay.
I'm into it.
I like mint-
And I like bombs.
I don't know where I stand on bombs.
I'm indifferent about bombs.
The bombs I'm indifferent about.
You know, is that a beach ball? What the fuck?
No, I think it's just a-
A leechy.
So, so this one looks like a donut, this one looks like a donut, and this one looks like a donut.
Donut up! Cinnamon donut.
Cinnamon donut?
Okay. Honestly, I'll say this though, full transparency, that looks like-
So much jizz.
Looks like shit.
I have seen some of Becca's like makeup or something that looks like that.
I didn't know where that was going for a second.
I'm saying like the bottle, the packaging, Jesus Christ, everyone.
Alright, I don't know. Um, okay, what's the other donut?
I mean, I imagine it's just another donut flavor. It's glazed donut, yeah, okay. And what's the other strawberry frosted, probably, pink donut.
Pink donut.
I like the pink donut.
Give us, just click all the ones that we haven't seen yet, babe. Pina Colada?
Big fan of that.
I like the drink. I don't know if I would like the toothpaste?
I would like it. What's the one that looks like a bunny? What the fuck is that?
Oh, it's probably gonna be like a collab on like Miffy, yeah, something like that. Sweet apple.
You gotta get some of these toothpaste in here.
I mean, half of them are, three quarters of them are sold out.
Does Danny get like cool flavors? Have you tried them?
I just asked that.
Did you?
I, oh, I tried a red velvet one.
What did it taste like?
It was not great.
Dude, because like, here's the thing with toothpaste is like, it's there for a specific job. Bro, I'm gonna brush my teeth with a donut.
What? That you're grown adults and there's a guy upstairs brushing his teeth with like, donut flavored shit.
Right.
Like, it's just funny to imagine.
What's the one that's next to KFC? What's that?
This is the Simpsons.
Uh, the other side of it.
Oh, this is the Gummy Bears.
Oh, we like ran through all these now. Interesting. I mean, dude, the cinnamon donut, that's coming home with me.
I mean, no, apparently not. It's sold out everywhere.
That's because it's so good. They did a, they made a big fucking mistake leaving the tiramisu available though.
Honestly, you gotta worry though. Why is it still available? Do people not like it?
I don't know, but they're about to be sold out.
I just, I, I hate this. I wanna make it clear. Will I try it if, if 10 tubes of it showed up here tomorrow?
10? $130 worth of toothpaste?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. You're not paying for it. So like, why not, you know?
I don't know what I was about to say.
Joey's gonna, honestly, I'm afraid of what would happen to that. Joey would brush his teeth eight times a day if he has that tiramisu toothpaste.
I would just be walking into the bathroom and just be like...
Also, 2.1 ounces, that's not a lot, or 60 grams, like, that's probably not a lot. It's probably like this big.
It's about right.
Yeah. Which is just massive!
Yeah, that's more than enough, I think, Frank. How did I think about it?
Who in God's name would need anything more than that?
Enough to choke you, honestly.
I hate this toothpaste, and I hope that the company does well for itself, making...
Massive plug for this company.
Yeah, by the way.
Hismil!
Also, yeah, Hismil, Hismile. Listen, if they just happen to send us one of every flavor...
Even the ones that are sold out. Don't be cheap.
Don't be cheap. Mr. Smile?
Mr. Hismil?
Mr. Hismil? I wonder, like, if there's other companies that do this, like...
Flavored toothpaste.
Not just flavored toothpaste, but like, just something else you wouldn't even think about, like, flavored, here we go, copyright. So flushable wipes are a big thing. A lot of people don't use them.
Where are you going?
Just hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. Flushable wipes, okay? You really shouldn't use them because they're not good, but companies still make them.
Yeah, they're very, there's like, it's known as like, there's no, like, safe flushable wipe. They all fuck up your system. It's just a matter of how much do it quicker.
Oh, I thought you were talking about your body.
Oh, not this system, the plumbing system.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, the home plumbing, not the human plumbing.
What if we made flavored wet wipes?
Frank, see, this is where I was trying to prevent you from going, because what the fuck are you talking about?
I mean...
Who, how many wet wipes have you eaten?
No, not for eating.
For what?
What, do I need to spell it out for you, Joey?
You want me to wipe my butt with, like, a glazed donut flavored wet wipe? What am I getting out of that?
You're walking away with your ass smelling like a glazed donut.
I don't want that!
I don't need a tiramisu smelling ass.
But if you had one, would you be happy?
I love tiramisu.
I'm just saying, it might not be a necessity, but we as a country clearly have moved past can you to you should.
But also like, we're saying flavored. It should be scented.
Scented, scented, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, I mean, think about it. What else do we, or, um...
Like candles.
I thought you were going as like a little sexual experience kinda thing.
Sure!
I thought that's where you were going.
With wet wipes?
Like you clean first, then it tastes good.
Sure, sure, sure!
I swear to god, I thought that was very good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine with that. Like, for, really, like, direct this at
gay men and ladies. Or anyone that gets their shit ate, actually.
Like wipe my butt, wipe my butt with this tiramisu and then go to town on my lady fingers.
Like you're...
You know what I'm talking about?
And then shove your lady fingers.
I mean, listen.
Prank.
Be really real. Don't be a character right now.
You wouldn't have been hyped?
This is like flavored condoms, that thing, too.
I guess, but like...
I've never tasted it.
Who's eating a condom, Joey?
I mean, I think that's more... What do you mean? They made them.
I'm saying like...
People are getting very safe BJ's.
That's good, good, and I, I support that for them. I'm just saying.
Put it like a blue raspberry condom.
But like, what if you could get like a sanitary wipe?
So like, before you're about to get hot and heavy and you know your shit's about to get gobbled up on.
You're just like, hmm, do I go with the Red Frog? Or do I go with the glazed donut?
Right. Which one would you go with?
I mean, I'm not getting my shit ate.
Which one would you rather eat?
I'm cinnamon donut. Cinnamon donut.
Cinnamon donut on that cinnamon donut. You know? Yeah, I hear ya.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be a good one.
I just...
I tell you what I wouldn't pick, though.
KFC?
That's crazy.
Fried chicken.
Listen, companies love doing this now. Doritos had vodka.
Did you try that?
They did, on TikTok. It was bad, right?
It's the worst thing in the world.
Yeah, and tried it.
Did it taste like cheese? It tastes like you threw up Doritos.
Oh, no.
Didn't need that.
Um, but like, what other ones have there been? There've been other ones like that, where people do that shit. You know, KFC fucking toothpaste.
Uh... I'm sure there's other examples, you know?
Arby's fries vodka.
Arby's fries vodka?
They did that? Yeah. I've never had Arby's before.
Neither have I, and I'm cool with not having it.
We've got the meats.
I... SNL made the joke before I could, so I can't take credit for it, but they're like, "You don't want to go somewhere where they're telling you, like, 'We've got meat.'" And we're just like, "Yeah, that's... we didn't..."
"Think you didn't." It's like, "No, we got it! It's here."
Roast beef is on your window, so I hope that you would.
Ugh.
Fast food roast beef is so bananas.
Fast food... Fish is way worse.
Yeah, like a Long John Silver's?
Bro, even... I'm not even... you don't even need to go that far, but like, if you go to McDonald's and you get a Filet-O-Fish...
That's bananas to me.
I really think, though, like, a Long John Silver's should just be like a really big bear trap. And like, you get in, and as soon as you step on the rug...
They gotcha.
The whole building just collapses. And everyone ends up goes, you know?
I'm fine with that.
Yeah, just weed them out, you know? Weed them out from the rest of society.
I have to go get... Salmon at a Long John Silver's.
Yeah. "Hey babe, what are you doing tonight? What'd you have for dinner?" "Oh, I just had my second Filet-O-Fish..." Of the day.
What the hell is that? What is with fit- bro, while we're at it, the McRib? Super unnecessary to have that. It ain't, it ain't a thing, brother. It's not real food. I don't know what it is they're giving ya, but it ain't real rib meat.
Yeah, we've crushed burgers, fries.
Or it's like pigeon ribs. It's pigeon ribs or something, not like beef.
It's a quail rib.
Yeah, exactly. It's just like, what rib meat is this? And it's like, it's from an aardvark.
I've actually had quail. It's quite delicious, so.
I think I had it too. I think we had it together. And, do you remember we went out for my birthday years ago? And then it was like, we went to like that steakhouse and they had the bird, but it was like tied up, like it was getting fucked. Hell yeah, I remember that. Spatchcocked. That's what they call it.
Tied up by its legs and arms like this. And it was like, it had thick ass thighs. And I'm like, this thing is...
Joey, yeah. It is my birthday, isn't it? It was your birthday.
Gimme the chicken, extra sexy.
I'm gonna take a chicken home with me, if that's fine. Extra sexy. Can I get the chicken extra horny?
Let me get one of these to go and let me smack it before you put it in the bag.
Yeah, we'll get two chickens extra horny. Thank you so much.
Can you tie them up with my belt while you're at it?
With my belt? Yeah, the arms were like overlapped like this.
Yeah, the spatch- they, they, they, it wasn't spatchcocked, because spatchcocked is when they're like, open butt, you know, like this was-
No, this butt was intact.
This butt was intact.
It was.
The legs were like overlapping.
It was like prim and proper, like la la la.
Like you could've, you could've put like little, like little chicken Louboutins on them or something.
Yeah, I, we should go back.
Anyway, there you have it, folks. Uh, thank you so much for tuning in. Yeah, we're done.
No, we're not. Let's keep going.
Okay. Um, what other-
I can only talk about flavored toothpaste for too long.
Look up if there's any like, company partnered like, brand deals that they've done. Like Doritos vodka, KFC this.
Frank, that's the most vague thing.
I know, it's the end of the episode. I get one for episode.
And every, give it, give it.
Look up if a company has ever collabed with another company before.
Well, this is.
He's looking at the keyboard, he's like, I don't know what to start.
This is back when, companies used to be so willing.
If I need to hear this again.
So, I'm serious, when they were very playful with their, with their IP, and they were willing to like, partner with other people and stuff like that.
Nope.
Like.
KFC and Crocs.
Pokemon, what?
Okay, wait, maybe I did find something.
Arby's and Old Spice?
What the hell is that? McDonald's and BTS?
Ben and Jerry's and Nike?
Arby's and Old Spice is crazy, so when you take a huge roast beef shit, you can make it smell better.
The guy that's like, half horse, half man comes out. Or like, fucking what's his name? What's the big, the Jack dude?
Fucking Cruz?
Terry Crews walks out, after you eat your Arby's and he smacks you in the mouth.
Old Spice. Yeah, you can come in, have roast beef sandwich, but make sure you're wearing deodorant.
Swedish Fish Oreos.
That sucks.
Yeah. Food brand crossovers that left us uneasy. Thank you! Someone gets it. Hold on.
Peeps and Pepsi?
I'm on board!
I'm on board for a Pepsi peep.
A Pepsi peep?
Or Peepy Pepsi. A Peepy Pepsi, I like that.
You like Peepy Pepsi?
I love peeps.
Oh, there it is.
This sucks.
Mustard and Skittles.
They did an ice cream too, didn't they?
That, I can't even, like yo, put mustard, my hate for mustard aside. How does that taste good?
No, gross.
How does it taste good?
I'm convinced that's fake.
It's real. Do you like Skittles?
I don't mind them.
I love Skittles.
What they do to my throat is crazy.
Can we stop now? Can we end the episode now?
Skittles. What else we got?
Kraft macaroni and cheese and ice cream.
Van Leeuwen ice cream? Um...
Cheesy ice cream sounds nasty.
It might be good.
No, it won't be. Black label bacon and cinnamon toast crunch? Hold on a sec, hold on! I've been pulled back in!
Cinnamon toast crunch, if you sprinkled cinnamon toast crunch on anything, I'd be like, "Ooh, that sounds good."
Yeah, human shit?
There's most things, I think, then.
It's better than without it.
He's not wrong. Coffee mate and Dr. Pepper?
Ew, bro.
That's disgusting. Coffee mate by itself, I don't drink it, but everything I've heard, people say like, "This is gross."
I've never had it.
Might taste like a Manhattan special.
Velveeta and-
Compartes chocolatier and Velveeta?
What the fuck?
What the hell?
Chocolate? One is chocolate?
Well, I don't get it.
One is chocolate and one is cheese?
I don't get it, and I don't want to. Keep going.
Pepsi peeps, we saw that, we saw that. Coca-Cola and Oreo.
Absolutely fucking literally not. Disgusting, ruining a great thing.
I kinda wouldn't hate that. I could try that.
Are you a big Oreo guy?
I like Oreos! Um... Come on, come on, there's only a couple more, I can see it. Oreo Sour Patch, I could, I think I actually tried that one.
I think I did too, and it doesn't taste like that, right? Am I making that up?
Tastes like, it just tastes like a cookie with sugar. Like, that's, it's not like it's chocolatey.
Yeah, no, I didn't think it was like sour.
Don't hate it!
Don't hate it.
Lay's and IHOP Rudy Tooty Fresh and Fruity?
What the hell is that?
I don't even know how to unpack that.
What is that? Is that like a song from Little Richard?
Strawberry topped pancakes with syrup and bacon flavored chips.
What the hell? Where are they, where are they?
Why is anyone still fucking with IHOP?
Can we try them though? Like, cause we hate them?
Uh, hell yeah. Fruit Loops and Thomas's Bagels. I'm in for that. I'm on that. Damn, I haven't had- I'm all in on that. Haven't had a Fruit Loop in years. Yep. Hidden Valley Ranch teams with whiskey. Alright, shut this ga- shut this off. Shut this game off. Shut this game off, right now. Hidden Valley Ranch and whiskey. Shut it off. That's so nasty, dude. Thank you. Ranch is disgusting. That's bad. No, ranch is not disgusting. That- Risk- Risky. Whiskey I like. Risky. Ranch I like. I'm not one of those freaks that dunks a whole burger into it. But like, that's too, too, too much for me. Thank you guys for coming and hanging out.
It's my show.
Yeah, that's it. Where can they find you? Where can they find you? Uh, you can find me at Joe Santagato. At D. At D. Elephants in the sky. Birds. One, two, three, four, five, birds. How are we even doing that? It's so good.
Frenchmen coming down the street.
Running down the alleyway.
Where is all the meat?
You know where to find us. Go check out the Basement Yard everywhere. Patreon. Patreon.com slash the Basement Yard. Thank you, we love you folks. We'll see you next time.
Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated