The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, you seem like you're focused on something.
Well, Joey, I am the danger.
I am the one who knocks.
Frank's watching Breaking Bad at home and that's pretty evident.
It is a problem. I'll admit it. When I get into shows, they become my whole personality sometimes, and that's okay.
So you're gonna start cooking meth?
I'm not gonna start cooking meth.
Do you think you'd be good at cooking meth?
No, cuz I have no knowledge of chemistry. Although, I will say this.
It's probably just like cooking.
I am confident enough. What are you doing? What did I do? You're looking at us like something's going on. Because you guys were talking about cooking meth, I was it? Yeah. Start the timer.
Oh, you're worried about, oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, start the timer.
Demonetized.
Yeah. Oh, wait, we're a cooking-
I think it's just similar to cooking. If you're a good cook, then you're a good cook.
No, but I think like there's like titration and like-
What's that?
Polymerization and-
That's a Pokemon card.
No, that-
Yu-Gi-Oh?
It might have been Yu-Gi-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think it was.
But like polymerization and chemistry, I don't know enough about chemistry. I am confident, though, that if I did wanna learn chemistry, I'd be able to do it.
I don't think you need to learn chemistry, bro. The other guy became really good at it and he's an idiot.
Well, cuz he was watching him and he was a fucking master chemist.
He was cooking his own. You could cook good enough meth. I mean, I don't be down on yourself. You can cook good enough meth.
I mean, I'm not trying to cook meth.
No, you can do, you do a great job.
Let's make that very clear. I'm not cooking meth. I'm not, I don't have it in me to cook meth. I wouldn't be a good meth cooker.
I wouldn't do it because I heard it explodes.
Well, isn't it like-
If you're bad.
I heard, I heard that it's like- One little switch and it's like you make mustard gas instead of meth.
That's what I mean, yeah, you die.
Well, that's not good.
Yeah, but I would like to wear a gas mask. Those are cool.
Oh, I'm trying to think if I ever wore a gas mask.
I used to think that gas masks were so cool.
Well, because you were like a Banksy, you know, kid who like, you know, let me guess, you love the picture of Banksy throwing the flowers and you want a gas mask because it's culture and it's anti-art. And Virgil Abloh would like it because of Off-White.
I'm shocked you know that, Virgil Abloh. Virgil like did Off-White.
R.I.P.
Yeah.
Make that very clear. I'm not speaking ill of this man.
Uh, no, when I was like very young, I think I was just really into that. I went from like ninjas to like gas masks. Masks?
A lot of masks, yeah, I could see that. I could see why. You know, I think it probably is like an interpersonality trait. Like it's something that you want to find a new mask to wear because the masks that we wear are what we allow people to see of us. And there are the masks that we don't wear at home or when we're feeling the most comfortable with our loved ones, with the people in our lives that enjoy us the most, that see us as we naturally, really, truly are. Like for instance,
is Batman the mask or is Bruce Wayne the mask? That's a great question, Joey. And I think-
I love that you can't come up with an example that isn't a comic book reference.
All right. Let's, let's, let's use another very-
The Flash, Superman.
No, no, no, no, no. Uh, Stanley Ipkis. Who is the mask there? Is it Stanley Ipkis or is it the Loki mask that he finds at the bottom of the water?
For those of you who don't know what Frank's talking about, he is referencing the 1997 hits?
Yikes.
Five?
Eight.
Am I warm?
No, you're in the 90s.
94.
Give me the year.
Ninety-four?
Ninety-four, yeah.
The ninety-four smash hit, Jim Carrey in The Mask.
The Mask. He had three movies that year. The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, and, uh, the first Ace Ventura. What a year. What a year, dude.
Big year for big old teeth Jim.
Well, he didn't have big teeth, just the big guy.
No, he's a guy.
Do you think, if you were to be, uh, make, uh, like, create your own drug, we're back to the drugs, by the way. Are you doing meth?
Right.
Are you going something a little less?
You just said, "Create your own drug." Oh, you mean like?
Like, you can cook it, or make it, you know?
Oh.
I saw once, there was a video of Gordon Ramsay when people were making cocaine. You know how, like, certain people get to, it's just like?
Gordon Ramsay was making cocaine?
He was with people that were making cocaine.
He was with people making cocaine?
Yeah, it was like one of those, you ever see those, like, documentaries?
I'm picturing him. You dickhead.
You pink-
It's raw!
It's raw cocaine, you idiot!
It's raw cocaine. Let me take-
It's frozen.
You stupid bitch! This is fucking garbage!
No, I-
What does he call people? He doesn't call them big, he calls them big. He goes, "Pigs." He calls them something else, donkey. Donkey, you donkey!
Well, he, he's like, "You fucking donkey."
Cut it up, Finn, you idiot!
Oh, and he gets, he always like, he's like so defeated by, "Oh," like, I saw one where Wolfgang Puck was there, he's like, "Oh, it's Wolfgang!"
You know?
Oh, I saw that recently, and someone served him a steak at his own place.
And Wolfgang Puck was like, "What is this? This is not, I have no idea what is this."
It's too raw. It was pork, that's what it was.
It might, oh, pork, you don't want raw pork, that can be a little dangerous.
When I was in Europe, I ordered pork, and the guy's like, "We order, we, we do it red here."
Get the hell-
I was like, "What?"
He's like, "Yeah, I'm just letting you know."
No.
I was like, "I don't have the stomach, I'm an American." I was like, "So, cook the fuck out of it."
Red pork?
Yeah, they, that's how they serve it there.
No, no, no, no.
I was too afraid, I was like, "I can't do this."
Bro, I did see what, there was like a place in, like, Japan that did, like, chicken sashimi. You're you you have a better chance.
That's bananas.
Of eating me eating a whole thing of mustard. Like I'm not, that's crazy, but back to the.
Wait, one second, on Japan, I don't know if it's Japan. Feels like Japan.
Mm hmm.
You ever see the videos of them making that omelet? That's like wet.
Hell, yeah.
It's a cool video, but I'm not eating that.
I've tried it and I.
What? Where?
In my home. What do you mean where?
Oh, I thought you went and tried it at a restaurant.
No, no, no, I've tried to make it because it's like.
You make it with chopsticks?
They I I tried using chopsticks and.
How many attempts? Three?
Oh, one attempt because it failed gloriously.
Got it.
But like they like cook it and then they like fold and they roll it and then they like cut it over rice.
Cutting it is very cool.
Apparently that's like a like the the originator of it, the founder of those omelets.
He apparently it's like a super exclusive restaurant to get into. So like I know if you go to Japan, that's on your.
No, I'm not, I'm not.
No?
I don't like soaking wet eggs. I don't like dry eggs, but like something in between, but those are like, bro.
Well, they're cooked, they're safe. Like you're you're you're okay.
Maybe.
I would do it. Have you ever had the I remember I I I told you about the Gordon Ramsay eggs, right?
In at nauseam, you've done that.
Oh, my God, they're so good. A little bit of creme fraiche. I do a little sour cream because I'm not how often you got creme fraiche at your shop, right?
Creme fraiche would be great.
You know, but then like you have like the the the chives or a little green onion, you know, get really into it and you just keep it pan on off, on the heat, off the heat, on the heat, off the heat.
Chives. Is a decoration. Doesn't really add.
It's a decoration, bro.
It's a decoration.
It doesn't add anything. I don't even know how you're hitting that octave, Mariah Carey. Jesus.
Um, no, they definitely have like a garlicky, buttery taste. Absolutely.
And please, for the love of God.
No, they suck. No, they don't.
Not that even suck, but like garlicky, buttery is so nuts. That's what they that's what they do.
Chives?
Garlicky, oniony, buttery. To them. Yeah, absolutely. What do you mean chives?
What are chives fucking?
Mild onion like flavor, a subtle hint of garlic and fresh grappy, alright, grassy earth. Okay, maybe not buttery, but like. Everything else I said, yeah.
That's pretty close. Onion is what I assume.
But garlicky, it's garlic.
I love, oh man, I love green onion and chives. And just, just, like, I love, I love, I love herbs, I love cooking.
I like a lot of shit.
I'm like, you know what I'm having a renaissance with? Big cilantro house right now. Becca has been crushing the cilantro dishes.
Why does the earth hate cilantro?
Because there's like, half of the earth that is just absolute stupid. And they taste cilantro as like, soap. Are you like that?
Really?
That's devastating.
I've never tasted that, nor have I ever had cilantro, being like, oh, what is that?
Well, no.
I don't even like-
It's like a gene. It's like the, the, the asparagus pee thing. Like, not everyone smells, it's like a certain gene in their body.
There are some people on this earth who will eat asparagus and pee normally?
Weird.
Be honest with me.
Stinks. It stinks of asparagus. Is that what you're gonna ask me? If I have a single stick of asparagus, I'm basically eating it later when I'm peeing.
And like, instantly too.
Bro, coffee's same thing.
If I take it, really?
Bro, I'm pissing-
Your piss smells like coffee?
If I have a coffee, the next time that I pee, which is usually not that far after, it smells like I'm brewing a bowl.
What?
A cup.
That's a bowl of coffee.
I can smell coffee in my piss.
I've never heard of that, but I don't think that's a well-known thing. Eh, are you a coffee drinker? I don't think I've ever seen you drink coffee.
I like coffee.
Have you ever smelled coffee piss?
I don't think I've ever smelled coffee piss.
No, that, that might be you. You might be, honestly, we might have found something out about you.
Yeah, no, I can definitely smell it.
But asparagus piss?
Woo!
It's stinking.
It's wa- and it's hot.
You think there's any freaks out there that are just like, pee on me? But asparagus pee on me?
A hundred percent.
Ew!
What do you mean?
Ewee!
You think, but I think that if you were into piss, you'd be like, I want this to be piss. I don't want it to be some like, whack shit.
I mean, that's a great question. You, on other people's lives, you need to talk to someone that's into pee-pee play.
I'm sure I have.
See, like, like, yo, like, do they charge, like, this is an untapped market, and we might be into a business thing here.
One thing I've learned doing other people's lives, it is so tapped. I promise you it's tapped.
You sure?
Because like, you can get really, I mean, look at what we saw last week. Dr. Dan, okay?
Dr. Dan is really, he's a smart businessman, so like, is there a way to be more playful with pee-pee? So like, alright, asparagus pee is an extra like five bucks, because asparagus ain't a cheap vegetable, you know? There's an extra surcharge of, let's say, five bucks.
Hundred percent.
You know, and then like, we could do like, a really dehydrated pee, like a yellowy, frothy bastard.
This is what I mean, is like, if I was into piss, I would want it to be like, give me your piss.
Like, don't drink for three days.
Whack piss. Like, make it stink and hot and yellow.
Like, ugh, like, stale pee.
Stale?
Like, day-old pee.
That's so disgusting.
Like, off the side of the BQE in a water bottle.
There's nothing I hate more than day-old pee.
When I used to go, when I would go to Connecticut with you guys, and you would pee on your piss, and the piss would just sit there, I, I would flush it every time.
Oh, pee on, oh, you were the flusher?
Yeah, so for those-
I couldn't piss on this piss.
For those of you guys that don't know what Joey's referencing, at the lake house that we grew up going to, they're all work, they're all ran on like, early nineteen hundreds septic tank systems, like, they are not good. And the rule there is just like, they have like a little jingle.
In this aisle of fun and sun-
Fun and sun, we never flush our number one.
And then I-
So people would pee, and then leave it there, the next person would pee on that pee, and they would be, and I'd go in there, and I'd be like, I'm not pissing on this old ass piss, and I'd flush it, and then I'd pee.
What's the, why, what's the issue?
Because I've done it before, and it just kicks up a smell that I'm not, I feel disgusting.
It does, stale pee stinks.
And it feels like it gets on me.
Is stale a pinky?
Like, I don't, I don't like that. I don't like when, if something stinks so much, I, it feels like it gets on me, and then I'm like, I got, I can't.
Oh, really?
But then you just jump in the water, and you're good?
Because you've pissed in the water, right next to someone.
So hard. I've done that.
Do you like, try to like, play it off? Because I remember when I was a kid, and everyone would be like, are you pissing in the lake? And I'd be like, no. So like, I made it so like, when I am peeing, I'm like, more talkative. Because normally, people are just like, they'll be like, talking and like-
And then they'll keep going like, oh, that's when you peed. But I would just be like, yeah, so like, what's everyone, everyone thinking about right now? Like, we're gonna have a really fun night playing manhunt or something? Pissed the whole time.
I've pissed in that lake many a time.
What is the most you'll pee on a pee before you flush it? Cause at the lake, we've gotten to like, I'm talking like iced tea levels of dark pee.
I'm not, that is so gross. You're disgusting. Uh, I, I won't do it. I'll piss on one piss. If someone is...
You don't think?
Paying attention.
You don't think it's like a level of like? Like I one upped you. My pee is on your pee now, bitch.
What are you, a dog? You're going out there and you're pissing on other people's piss?
I just think like, uh, like the times I've been to like restaurant bathrooms or something and like someone doesn't flush, or bars.
That happens?
Oh, yeah.
I've, I've, can honestly say I've never experienced that.
Well, a lot of places now have automated things. So like when the person is done, they walk away, it flushes automatically. But like, I've been to places where it's just like, there's just piss.
That's crazy.
And you have something to contribute to the piss talk.
There's a good amount of times where I don't flush at a bar. Are you fucking insane? I saw, I, you too? Fired.
No, no, no.
You don't do it at bars?
I didn't say that.
What's the thought process? I saw a video of like, they flush a to- I know you do, they flush a toilet.
I did not say me too.
And it all like sprays up at you?
Bro, that's every toilet that you use ever. Yeah, but not as bad.
No, but some of them, I refuse to believe that like toilets that have a weaker flush are spraying piss and shit everywhere. Now, I've been to some toilets that are like the Cedar Rapids. Let me make that very clear.
Airplane toilets, nothing's getting out of that. It sucks everything down.
It sucks your fuck.
Yeah. Bro, I don't like automated toilets. Like in the airport, if you have to use the bathroom, I, which I've had to do against my will. I will sit there and it will flush in the middle of me sitting there and I, it's such a scary moment for me.
Yeah, because then your butt is all pee peed poop ton.
No, I'm, it feels like it's gonna suck all my insides out of my asshole.
That's crazy. That is pretty crazy.
I don't like that.
I have a thing where like, I like to, like, you ever seen like a movie about like the, the mob or, or some like organized crime? And like whenever they like whack someone, they like, or like the shot in, uh, Inglourious Basterds. After they kill the guy, one of the guys, one of the Nazis.
Bad.
Not demonetized before.
I don't know, the way the world's working, we might get more money for saying that.
They said Nazis, give them the money.
Like, you know how they like kneel down and they're like standing over them and it's like the point of view shot? I kinda like to like, after I use the bathroom to like, look. It's like, see what I did.
Wait, what? You, you pee in a, in a toilet and then you stand over and look at it?
I stand over it and I look at it, like, look what you did, you filthy pisser.
Therapy dude, like, I, I can't even suggest it.
How is that therapy?
Frank, that's not a normal thing to be doing in the world.
Why not?
Why are you looking at your piss like, look what you did?
Well, like, just, it's a sense of like, hands are hurting.
Like, what is that?
Hands hurting over there. Just like looking down at it, like.
And just walking away, like, I, I, job complete.
Like, I pissed in you?
You know, mission, mission complete. I did what I had to do here. Fucking.
You do that whenever you go to the bathroom?
No. Yeah, pretty much. I would say almost every time.
Wow.
I also, uh, you know, I, I know I've told you this before.
But I, I, I had a little race between the toilet and my piss.
I do that too.
Just for fun, man.
Yeah, like, when you're getting near the end, you're like, I'm gonna flush this thing and then I'm gonna-
Just to see who, who finishes first.
You or the toilet.
It's always a competition. Classic.
Yeah, you do that?
Tells all his time.
Sorry, I was crying.
Okay. I think it's-
Like, when you're peeing into a toilet, when you get near the end of your piss, you're like, I'm gonna flush this and I'm gonna finish my pee before it's done flushing.
No, because of the spray up thing, I like, reach over.
Are you, why don't you, hey brother, watch this.
You need to grow up.
Toilet seat. Down.
Close the toilet seat.
Down, dude.
In my own home, I'll do that.
Are you like a germaphobe?
I, I, I'm starting to figure it out, I think I am.
I mean, that's okay. That's okay to be a little afraid of a ger- uh, listen, public bathrooms. You couldn't convince me to eat in there.
You're talking all Frankie Dryhands over there. There's a lot of hand sanitizer that goes on those things.
Yeah, you know how I feel anytime, and I've been in some disgusting public bathrooms.
I have too.
Let me be very clear, there was one one time where I was in like, I was driving through like, for like my old job, like a shipping, like an industri- a very industrial area where there's like a lot of like shipping, and like eighteen wheelers loading up and stuff like that, and I looked on my phone like bathrooms near me, and it was, without exaggeration, just a stone building in the middle of like Newark, New Jersey.
Perfect.
And I went in there and it was...
A site.
What you would imagine a murder to be staged for, like it was like ridiculous.
You raw dog toilets?
No, I prefer not to.
What does "I prefer not to" mean?
I mean, I, if it, if the, if the setup is gonna be just as difficult.
Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean?
So you won't make a little, you know, like a bird's nest and then take a shit on that?
Yeah, no, I, I don't like that.
Wait, is it you?
Oh god, he got him.
Don't do that.
Yo, wait, isn't it you?
Are you the pitcher? No, no, no, you, don't you do this thing where you throw a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet?
Yeah, I do.
Tell him, tell him about that.
Wait, what? He'll throw a bunch of toilet paper into the toilet.
You said tell him and then you decided to tell me.
Yeah, I broke the rules immediately.
He knows, he got it, he got it.
Okay.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Oh, I thought you were gonna, oh, so like, I throw a bunch of toilet paper in and then I take a poop? Because, so the water doesn't splash back up at me.
Genius, very smart.
He makes a little bed for it.
I, I, well...
That's stinky though.
That, it, no, it's not, it's paper.
Bro, the water...
Well, no, yeah, raw dogging, your, your shit is in the air, brother.
That's what I'm saying.
Your shit, you have air shit.
Oh, I see.
Like if it's in the water, it kind of masks the smell a little bit.
A little bit.
You're over here just letting, you're, shit in your hand.
You have fu- big, big mud pies out in the open.
You're literally just holding it like this.
You might as well, you might as well shit and then put your face next to it.
Literally.
I courtesy flush?
You're not worried about the air of your shit?
You courtesy flush raw shit.
What are you talking about?
I'm saying like-
You cooking it in there?
No, I'm saying, like, it's like, so you've, you've established, this is the grossest episode, also a weekly episode, can we add?
So you, you go in and you full on make a damn like a poop beaver.
You do, that's what you do. And then you crap on top of it.
Yes.
So it's just airborne crap.
And then you flush and it's like, it might be close, because sometimes when you flush, it comes up and goes down a little bit. So like-
What is your concern? It's out when I flush. Are you just trying to say it's not out when I flush?
No, no, no, I'm saying the water, the water levels, like, they like fill up a little bit and then they go down.
Oh, you think that the poop's gonna hit-
It might hit your ass.
Bro, that ain't happening.
You might get, you, you might get-
How, what, what do you think, he's a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
A Tyrannus?
Like, how much dung do you think? Dung beetles, by the way, cool, but ill.
I mean, I, I applaud, I applaud their determination and work ethic. I can't say much about, you know-
You ever think about a dog and how it loves piss and shit? Because the thing that you just said, right, like, and I think about this all the time when I'm, when I'm walking my dog, he loves to pee on other dogs pee. Is that like graffiti?
It's like a, I fucking, this is my, because they, because it-
It's like graffiti, you know, like, they say like-
Not just graffiti, they tag up-
And you go over them?
Yeah, yeah, they tag up on-
That was disrespect, so is he disrespecting like the poo?
Hell, yeah, because that's their scent, that's how they mark their territory. So you take my piss and it's like, this is my fucking hydrant now. And then someone else does it and you're just like-
Damn, that's not mine anymore.
Bro, the dog, dogs, and dogs are like members of the cartel, you know what I'm saying, like?
You, you, you impede on their territory, they're gonna get upset about it, you know?
I have watched numerous times, a dog will walk over to a tree, pee on it, my dog will see that, run right over, piss right on it.
Yeah, and they always, dogs always have, I remember when we had a dog, like, they always have a little bit of piss to spare, just enough to like, just be like little, little petty little bitches, you know?
He doesn't have piss, he'll go through the motions and just be like, leg up, oh, got nothing, keep going.
But a drip-
That's good enough for you?
I mean, piss is very potent with its odor.
But no piss will come out, he'll just lift his leg.
No, but even one, even one drop, you know what they say, one drop of blood in the ocean, a shark will smell it. One drop of dog piss on a park bench, the other dogs will know.
You're not hearing what I'm saying, I'm saying no piss comes out.
I'm saying that you're probably not inspecting close enough.
Or you're wrong.
It's possible, highly unlikely.
Cause I'm walking the dog every day and I see it.
Highly unlikely that I'm wrong.
Right, it's unlikely.
But, it's possible, and I respect the possibility, but I also honor the improbability of my being wrong.
I don't even know how to, like, do all, I don't know how to unpack what you just said.
Love that sweater.
Thank you.
Really good sweater, you got it-
You have a new chain, what is that, is that a cat?
Yeah, Ruby gave it to me.
Ru-
She went to the jewelry store and bought you some jewelry?
She got like kids, like, playtime jewelry, and she gave me-
It's a kitty cat?
It's a little unicorn.
Oh, it's a unicorn?
It's a unicorn.
You know what I thought that was at first?
You know, like, the, the namaste hand thing?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, I thought it was that, and I was like, oh, okay, there's something going on here.
With the I in the middle, what if I just came in and had radically different, like-
You were just like, yeah, I'm really into-
Spiritual beliefs.
Yeah, I, I mean, I think that would be very interesting.
Yeah, I, I, we've never, I've never been a very spiritual person, so like, if I come in and I start talking about like, God or something, like, you know-
It wouldn't shock me.
Yeah, I mean, maybe one day in my life.
I think there will come a time.
Probably, cause I'm afraid.
Right, that's what I, yeah.
I'm afraid of a lot of things.
Yeah, I think you're gonna be like, one day I have to, like, I have to.
I have to because if I don't, then I'm in trouble.
Yeah, because if I think about not-
Not.
Then.
My father-in-law, put it best, my father, my father-in-law has a, a really strong connection to his faith, and he says like, "If I'm wrong, I lived life as a good person anyways," and I was like, "Good for you," you know, there's some certain beliefs I don't like, but like, maybe one day we'll cross those-
That's everyone's problem with religion, honestly.
Well, we'll go, we'll cross that down the road.
Yeah, now that we've talked about religion, how about we get to the ad?
Oh, and-
And Nazis and drugs. Forgot about all that. What an episode. Anyway, Squarespace. You guys want to build a website, you're going to do that with Squarespace, trust me, okay? It is the best platform to create your website. Uh, they have a bunch of templates to make sure that your website is a great first impression for any customers or possible customers that come to your website. Um, like I said, they have these templates. Um, they make it very easy. You just click on one of them, it kind of populates a website and you just switch out the text and, uh, the photos and things like that. And you have yourself a great looking website in a fraction of the time. I've done both. I've used Squarespace, I've used other platforms, where you kind of have to build it out for yourself. Takes way longer, doesn't look as good, and it doesn't have the same amount of tools
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And I think that, you know, at this point in the episode, I would love to talk about big scandal going around right now. The Girl Scout cookies are killing the population, apparently.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Allegedly.
Allegedly, oh my god, I don't want to be served by the girls.
He's done, the girls are getting him.
The scouts.
Oh my god, what would you do if they hand delivered a subpoena as like fully dressed up as Girl Scouts?
Can you imagine? You know, I never understood that, where it's like you got served, like people just like.
Oh, I used to do it for my old job all the time.
But like, why are people escaping that? Like dude, you're gonna get these papers.
I, I, I've served a lot of people.
But like, did they run away from you?
So, all the times that I did it was at their home. So, um, you basically, like, I would go up, I would knock on the door, and I would say, "Hi, I'm looking for Joe Santagato." And if it's Joe, he'd be like, "Yeah, it's me." And I'd be like, "I have the subpoena for you." I didn't do the "you're being served."
I was never told I had to. I think I might have said it at points, but like.
You've never like just walked up to someone on the street and be like, "Roger? Here you go, Roger."
No, no, no, no, it was all, it was all like homes and stuff. And then there were times where it was like, you know, like I had, I had driven like two and a half hours to wherever I had to be, and I told my boss like, "I can't sit here and wait for the person to get home." And it's like, "All right, well then you give it to the, whoever you give it to, get their name and their information." And then you have to provide something called an affidavit of service.
Yep.
Which basically just says like, "I served this subpoena on your behalf to this person." And I think there was like one or two times where the person was just like, "I'm not fucking touching this." And I'm just, and what I was taught was just like, "Okay, you don't need to. I am giving it to you. You don't have to take it. I'm leaving it here. What you choose to do with it is on you."
I would love to serve somebody.
It was not as glamorous as you thought, like you would.
I'd make it glamorous.
You'd be like a little bitch.
I'd stalk.
You'd be a little bitch about it.
Not stalk, that's crazy. I would, I would stake out, is what I meant.
I did a surveillance.
A cup of coffee and a cigarette just outside, like when he gets home.
I, so it wasn't my job traditionally, but I was one time asked to do a surveillance. And like, it was literally like, "Sit here."
Like a private investigator?
It was just, so it was for a subpoena, but it was sit here, wait until this person gets home, and then when they get home, hit them with the subpoena. And it was
It's cool.
On July 3rd of the year, and I was trying to like, I had learned about it that morning, we were gonna be leaving to go to the lake.
And I was just like.
Hopefully they come home.
They did not.
Oof.
I got out of there by like 5 or 6, cuz they never showed up.
Damn.
They probably spotted you dude, you were followed!
Nah nah nah, I was good, I was good. I was good, I was inconspicuous.
Anyway, apparently this thing came out, you know, Girl Scout cookies, very popular, but apparently they did a test on the cookies, and in 100% of the samples, they were some form of metal.
Oh, well, like, and not good.
Allegedly!
Allegedly.
We don't know what the deal is, we don't know if this is true, or if it's not true, or what the deal is, but there is an ongoing investigation, and there's 100% of the samples, they're saying have
Traces, yeah.
Traces of metal.
I will say this, if you had asked me, I would've said they had traces of crack, because, boy oh boy, once I pop, I cannot stop.
This is just my opinion, I honestly think, I think Girl Scout cookies are overrated.
You're bananas.
I don't think they're bad, I think they're overrated.
I think people are like, "Oh, I need 10 boxes!", they're fine. Well, it's because the boxes are cheap-ish, I guess, and
I don't know dude.
You're trying to like, support little kids, I will say, whoever
You're not supporting little kids, this is bull.
I will say, whoever was just like, "Let's get these little kids to peddle the cookies", and people will be more inclined.
I'll, I'll be real honest with you.
We'll give them a badge.
I, I recently bought Girl Scout cookies for like, a, a family member.
What's your favorite one?
I was gonna say the old name, but apparently they're not called Samoa's anymore.
They're called Caramel Delight, and then they have these little ones that are like, French toast.
Whoa dude, yeah, hell yeah!
I'm into French toast.
Hell yeah!
Do you like Girl Scout cookies?
Uh, a couple. I don't like Thin Mints. They can go ahead and die a fiery death.
Thin Mints suck.
Double suck.
So much.
Triple suck.
It's insane. And they're probably the most popular. People love them. They are disgusting.
I think, we did an episode, well, we did a video, a Saturday Night Studio Video, what was more popular?
That was well before Ant.
No, it was him.
Yeah, cuz it was like the one where it was like The Rock and it's like zero or one, or something like that?
I was there for that. Dumber than a box of rocks?
Something like that. Or, or, or maybe it was another one, but I forgot what is...
I did a Tate...
No, no, no, but I'm saying we did an episode, uh, something, and it was just like, Thin Mints are the most popular, true or false, or something like that.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, they're whack.
But, I, I mean, anything chocolate and mint flavored can go ahead and just...
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Do what it needs to do.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream, garbage.
Garbage. Absolute PP.
Masura.
Absolute masura.
Yeah, see...
No, I think caramel delights are the best.
Those are good. Tagalongs are good.
What the hell's a tagalong?
It's the peanut butter ones.
Hell no.
Yeah, you hate that combination, but it's good.
Hell, no. I, I just...
What the fuck is Adventurefuls?
Adventurefuls. These cookies are newer addition, featuring a crispy cookie with a caramel and peanut butter filling.
I...
Don't hate that.
That doesn't sound bad.
I will say, they, great job naming them, except the Samoans were upset about that.
Dosidos. Those are good.
Are peanut butter, what's with all the peanut butter, guys?
It's a lot of peanut butter, I'm just noticing that.
Why was with all the peanut butter?
I'm just noticing that.
Well, look up the French toast ones, those are fucking bananas.
Also, I'm not, can you just type in, type in Girl Scout flavors? Girl Scout, ew, Girl Scout cookie flavor?
I think everyone knew what you meant.
Alright, thank you. You never know, out of context.
Yeah, those...
Um... You know what's good, and I know I'm gonna get shit for this-
Meat the Cookies, way to go Girl Scouts. I can't, we, why are we attacking Girl Scouts?
We is crazy, I feel like you were saying stuff-
Adventurefuls.
The Dozy Doze are great.
Caramel delights are great.
Those are good. Caramel chocolate chip I've never had. Adventurefuls look interesting.
Where are the-
The smores, surprisingly, not great, dude.
Lemonades, I'd rather go to hell.
I hate lemon flavored baked goods. I hate it, because it's not, it's just overly lemony. Like, it's not like, a hint of lemon.
Yeah, give me some zest, zest me, but don't fucking like-
I'm, I'm, love a good zest.
You're eating no lemon here.
Zest all over me.
Yeah, go down?
Gotcha. There's the, there's the toastier.
Toastier, that looks good.
That one's-
Toffee Tastic!
Whoa, where'd you go?
Toffee Tastic is good.
I don't want ones that look like women. I don't wanna eat cookies that look like women.
Which one look like women?
The treefoals.
How does that look like women?
Those are women's faces.
Those are women's faces?
Are they not?
Yeah, I think, I think he's right. A little silhouette here.
Those are good though, I like the treefoals.
That's like the Girl Scout logo.
Treefoals are good. Toffee Tastic is mad good, dude.
Thin Mints, uh, Thin Mints! Fuck you!
How about you, how about you and me shut up together and I bite you, Thin Mints?
What does that even mean?
I don't even know. What the hell is toffee, though? Is it just like, brie schweiz?
I don't know.
I like Toffifee, which I think we recently brought up-
What the fuck is that? That sounds like a cat's name.
It's, it's a really cool little candy. Um, wait, hold on, I'm sorry, I gotta back up a little bit. You said they're overrated?
Yeah, yeah.
You're nuts, dude.
I just think that, that like, some of the, like, some of them are good, but I think the way that people talk about them, it's like, bro, I, I legitimately don't need them.
They have a really smart, marketing and business strategy. The reason that they're great, is because they're good cookies that you could only get in a short window of time from a little drug dealing child that basically sells it to you.
You know? So like, exclusivity, you love that.
Exclusivity, they make a billion dollars every year.
Yeah, because they have a lot, but like- I don't know. I don't think they're overrated. That's crazy. The world's gonna punch you.
Probably.
Maybe the Samoans are, that were upset can attack you too.
Samoas.
You don't wanna mess with-
I don't think they're called Samoans.
I know, but I'm saying the Samoans were probably the ones that were upset about them calling, being called Samoas.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Also those, they're good.
They are good.
I'm not a coconut guy, so that kinda like-
It's the perfect balance of chewy and cookie, you know?
I, I'm all about caramel.
I like caramel, but they, yo, some, I don't like old people caramel.
Oh, like Werther's?
No, cuz those aren't bad, but there's like a certain, there's a certain type of caramel that I've had, that I'm like, this is garbage. Like, gimme the sugary one.
I've had one thing with caramel that I fully believe is the worst use of caramel I've ever seen. And, listen. Mad respect to M and M's, but the caramel M and M's are fucking garbage.
I thought you were gonna say M and M.
Oh, well, he, he-
Yo, mad respect, yo.
He can get some respect too. Absolutely respect M and M's.
Caramel M and M's are a dog.
Caramel M and M's are dumpster pee pee.
You know, we're doing a lot of pee pee talk today. Basura.
Yeah, basura.
Que la verdad.
Cat piss, I would say. Caramel-
Whoa, that's the worst piss.
Cat, yo, disgusting. Disgusting piss.
Bro, my house used to reek of cat piss as a kid.
Cat piss is the worst piss.
Because we had, she, I remember, you know why I remember cat piss? My first foray into cat piss.
Cuz you had a cat.
We had a cat, but one, I saw her peeing and she was shaking.
Your cat?
Yeah. And then, she, I had a Triple H wrestling figure.
And she pissed on it?
And she, no, even worse. He came with like, you know how, remember how Triple H used to wear those giant denim jackets?
He came with that as like an accessory, and I took it off for his match. Duh. And my cat somehow got it and pissed on it, so like-
Pissed on his jacket?
Pissed on his jacket, dude.
And like, Triple H.
So that's why I hate cat piss. Not because it smells like piss.
It smells bad.
But you watch your cat shake and piss all over Triple H's denim jacket.
It looked sick, and she probably was. The signs were there.
Uh, yeah.
But yeah, no, and cats, cat piss smells like worse piss than any piss.
Hate that. M and M pretzels, those are incredible.
And I'm not even big on, like, I like pretzels, but like, not like that. Those are a great, ooh, peanut M and M's, best M and M.
Peanut M and M's are the best M and M.
And then the original.
Yeah, I will fully, oh, well, there was an M and M in the early 2000's that were M and M crunchies, they were like, like, you know how like, uh, it was like,
The Rice Krispy shit?
Yeah, like a malted milk ball.
Yeah, I like that.
And it was M and M, peanut, uh, not peanut, uh, the pretzel ones are good.
Pretzel ones are good.
I don't hate them.
I like them.
Um.
How do you feel about, uh, Whoppers?
Here's the thing.
Whoppers, as like, first of all, coming in a milk jug, what are you doing, Whoppers?
Whoppers come in milk jugs.
Oh, I have seen that, yeah.
But, the outside is too, like, the chocolate is too soft, so I go from soft to crunch? And I don't like that. But, tis the season. Whoppers makes their Robins Eggs?
Shoot, shoot everyone. No, don't do that.
Jesus.
Robins Eggs are the best version of that. I recently sent you a picture, when I was on my way in, and I was like, got my lunch, and it was my sunflower seeds and a bag of Robins Eggs.
Whoppers are very bad. Like, maybe the, like,
Out of the Halloween candy, whenever I get those, I'm like, I'm never eating this, this is disgusting.
I'll eat them if I'm feeling, if I'm feeling dangerous.
I'll eat way other, like, whacker shit.
Well, you know what makes a Robins Eggs really good? One, Easter.
Robins Eggs are not bad.
Easter, great. Two, the chocolatey, the, the candy coating on the outside.
Those are a great coat.
The perfect amount, you looked up legit Robins Eggs. And just put. Bird eggs up here.
But like the candy coating is perfectly thin and they're delicious.
Yeah, those are really, wait, it's Cadbury.
Oh, no, I've only had the Cadbury ones, which are very good.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, Robin's Eggs. They're, they're a Whopper brand. See?
No, okay, this I haven't had.
No, I don't, I don't like it.
I'll bring them in.
Cause I have gone on record and I will say this.
Cadbury's a top three chocolate.
Shut up. You. Of the holiday candies, like holidays themed candy, for like whatever, like Halloween, they have like pumpkins and like Halloween candy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Spooky guts and pee pee.
Everything's orange.
Yeah. Christmas has what it has, obviously. Easter has the best assortment of holiday candy.
Said it?
Yeah, I think you're right. I think you're right.
It's like.
Cause like when, when Christmas, I mean.
It's like, well, Christmas, everyone does like, oh, oh, oh, peppermint, peppermint, peppermint, peppermint stick.
No, I, I only like candy canes.
I like it, but like, shut up peppermint.
I don't like when other shit is peppermint. Like just leave, leave.
Leave peppermint.
Candy canes fucking alone.
Let them be.
But like everything else.
And like think of Easter. Easter, we have like Robin's Eggs. We have, uh, jelly beans. I know, I'm not gonna sit here and argue about the jelly beans. Peeps. Bang. Top tier.
Yeah, peeps.
Bang.
Trash. Peeps are so good. Um, Peep, if you're watching this, I will be your, if you wanna have a Super Bowl commercial next year, I'm in.
Super Bowl commercial? I hope that company goes belly up. My mom would be upset about that. She loves peeps.
I love peeps. But, uh, yeah, so I'm shocked that you don't, that you're not more of a, when's the last time you bought a box of Girl Scout cookies?
Like
Four years ago?
You need new ones.
Where am I gonna get them? I've never seen a Girl Scout in my life.
They don't like go door to door anymore.
No, I know, but like...
Actually, that's not true. They went door to door in my neighborhood once.
That makes sense, in like a suburban area, but like, I- there's no Girl Scout cookies-
I mean, you don't know people with kids, but like-
I've ordered them online. That's the only time that I've had them.
Yeah, so like a lot of kids now will have like their own page.
Bro.
This just led me to fuck Girl Scout cookies for a second. You know what's a thousand times better than that? When children are selling the chocolate bars. I love that chocolate. That is such an underrated chocolate.
The chocolate bar like on the subway, like they have that box that flips open.
It's called World's Greatest Chocolate.
Yeah, it's good choc- it's good chocolate.
It's a good name for a company, too.
Yeah, that was a- that was big when we were in like middle school.
I would make my dad buy the whole box, and then I would eat it.
A hundo.
You know what I recently got gypped into? And yeah, gypped is the right word to use here.
Really? Cause I feel like that might be a sleaze. A little slurs.
Gypped?
To the s- to the seas. To the seas. Isn't that like a- that's the- isn't that the-
You know what I'm saying?
I don't know, no.
Gyp-
I don't know, whatever, go ahead.
Oh!
What'd you get roped into? What'd you get roped? You got roped?
I- I got- you know what I got? I got the rug pulled out from under me.
From?
I got...
I'm trying to think of other one. I got finagled.
By?
A child.
Your own?
A- a strange child?
A family member's child.
Was doing a fundraiser.
Here we go, here we go.
Here we go!
They always got stuff!
I'm gonna get you!
They always got things!
And I'm not gonna say their names, but they know who they are.
Yeah, they will.
They won't watch this.
What were they selling? What were they peddling?
You ready for this? It's a fundraiser, and you get Krispy Kreme donuts.
Alright, hold on, I'm back in.
No, right?
Listen, honestly, I am always kinda apprehensive, because there's like a weird level of like, how much do you give, you know, blah blah blah.
Krispy Kreme donuts. I'm like, alright, I have to buy three boxes.
Frankie.
Listen to me.
It's insane.
Listen.
You don't have to do that.
No, but they didn't have, and I'll tell you why, because they didn't have the option to like buy one box and add a tip for like an extra for a bigger donation.
How much was a box?
I think they were like, like 12 bucks, 13 bucks each or something like that. 15 maybe. 15, I think it was 15 actually. And...
This is a good pyramid scheme.
You ready for this? I'm like, alright, I'm gonna do it to support, be a good, you know, member of my community. I do it. And I'm like, I notice that as I'm doing it, I don't put in my address information. And I'm like, how the hell am I getting these Krispy Kreme donuts? They go, great, thanks for the donation. Print this voucher out and go to a authorized Krispy Kreme location and pick up your boxes.
Give me my money back.
Give me this fucking money back.
I kid you not. Out of my full Tony Soprano, where's my money?
I was furious.
Here's a voucher?
If you're gonna make me donate my money and then get up and go to a Krispy Kreme donut?
Authorized? Unauthorized Krispy Kreme? What does that even mean to me?
Well, they have, Krispy Kreme has storefronts.
Special ones that are authorized?
They're Krispy Kreme.
That's what I'm saying. Walking into any Krispy Kreme is different. But I'm also not going there either.
I was mad.
The audacity to make me pay my money.
I was gonna say hard earned.
Leave out the adjective, it's fine. But it is your money.
It is my money. And then tell me to do an extra step? If I'm committing to this?
First of all. Ship them to my home. Or hand-deliver them to me.
The thing that you messed up is, it needs to be one of these, okay?
You're right.
Here's the money, donut coming the other way.
You're right. You're 100% right. That's why.
If you're ever in a kidnapper scenario, if you're ever in a kidnap scenario, you gotta be like, wait, I wanna see this.
I got fucking bamboozled. My boozled was bammed. Bing bam boom.
Alright.
I.
You gotta make sure you see the product in person. I can't have this.
I can't. And this is why I don't like shopping online. This is why. Because then there was another instance where I bought something online. I told you, we got you something for your birthday. And I, and it was like, ships fast. This is great. Do do. I buy it and they're like, this doesn't ship till April. And I was a bad angry man that day.
I honestly, like this is happening with I, the TV that we have. I wanted to put, I, I needed the original legs for it because I, I don't want to hang it up on a, on a, what's it called? A bracket.
So I just want to put it on the leg. So I had to go to the company and be like, can you ship me the leg? They're like, yeah. They're like, good news. They're in stock. Cool. As soon as I got the email that like, your order is confirmed, they went back order. I'm like, what happened to in stock? Now there's no ETA. And if you're going to do that, fine, but send me an extra pair so I could beat those with a bat. Because I'm furious with this. Like if you're gonna send me the things that I asked for a month after, send me an extra pair so I could throw them in the ocean.
I, this is why I don't like shopping online. Because I never, you never get a straight answer. You go to a store, I want this, here's my money, here's the thing, thank you, I'm leaving. I really, I, I, I much prefer that. I can't even tell you.
I like opening boxes.
I love opening boxes.
That's what I'm saying. When you buy online, you're like, oh, my clothes are here.
I know, but if you know what it is, like my issue, my, my toxic trait is I fully expect boxes to just show up at my house, but I hate shopping online.
So when Becca gets something, I'm like,
Is it for me?
I was like, do you mind if I open it?
You haven't opened anything.
Uh, she's like, yes, you can open it. And I open it. I'm like, whoa, what is this?
You know, but, bro, I recently bought something for Becca for Valentine's Day. And I bought it, again, ships fast within, you know, two days. If you place your order between, you know, before, whatever. I fucking buy it. 10 minutes later, I get an email. It's back ordered.
I, I can't.
And I'm like, and it's like, we'll let you know when your, your shipment is ready. And then this, it showed up two days later.
Figure out your system.
Figure out your goddamn system, you damn dirty whores.
You damn dirty bastard whores, bitch whores.
If you're in, if you're in stock, I make the order and now it's the back order? You're telling me I've, I'm the one, I'm on the back?
Or, well, they, yeah, yeah, you, you put it, you put it onto the back. They bare backed ya.
I've been bare backed.
You've been bare backed.
I hate that. I just, I hate, what is back order? I just spit.
Well, back order is that the demand exceeds the supply. So they're like, you know what? We fucked up. Fuck you. Take it off. I'm not gonna buy it if there's nothing in stock.
What happened to sold out? What happened to that?
Pre-orders. Pre, pre-orders get me. Pre-orders get me so bad bitch. They get me so angry.
Be transparent if it's a preorder. Tell me when. If I'm not expecting this, I'm not getting until summer, make a preorder, I'm fine with that.
I hate when people use like business terms when they're like, preorder this ship's Q1. And it's like, just fucking tell me what month. Don't do this. Don't, don't narrow it down to a fucking 25% of the year.
If you're gonna do a preorder, be transparent with me. Tell me how many weeks, tell me if it's gonna be months, or if I'm gonna get this in 2035. I just want some transparency. Don't tell me like, preorder, we'll figure it out. Uh, can't do this.
But also, and I know I'm probably gonna get flack for this, cuz I know that there's like actual like logistics that go into this. If I preorder something, there's no reason that you should cap the preorder unless you're like, doing it for like art purposes.
What does that mean?
Like, I, I, I remember there was a, a, a company I was looking at, they had a really cool watch and it was like on preorder. Okay? And it was like, oh, our pre-orders have exceeded the limit. And it's like, order more. Order more.
Well, they're making them.
I know, but order more. Have them make more. I know.
This never happens to Santa Claus. How is there no preorder with that? He's making them by hand.
Literally by hand, him and his elves. Is that offensive toward, toward?
No, it's fine.
Okay, him and his?
The elven men.
The elven, well, elven women can contribute if they choose.
And elven women.
I'm assuming the elven women do a lot over there.
Well, boy, what's that mean?
Is that? Is that okay to say?
That elven women are working hard in the North Pole?
Why would that be bad to say?
I don't know, I just wanna be careful, make sure we're not accidentally offending...
The elves? In the North Pole?
Well, they have a very important job and we...
Why you keep looking behind me? You're freaking me out! Is there a spider?
Is it an elf?
Yeah. What's going on here?
No, I just... I don't like it. If it's pre-ordered... There's no reason you eat, cap the pre-... If you get more than what you thought, if you only make 500 and you get 600? Holy shit! Make more right away! Make 'em!
I think...
They're pre-ordered, months out as it is.
But they're also probably doing a pre-order.
And I know there's an actual answer for this, I know that.
But you don't, it's not your problem, I'm the customer.
Exactly!
I get to be angry.
The customer's always right, rule one. Rule two?
Rule two, if it's in stock and then suddenly becomes back-ordered, give me a discount. Because I've bought this under false pretenses, if this was back-ordered, I wouldn't even dream of...
Oh my god, back, buying something back-ordered? What do you think I am, a bitch?
Yeah dude, you think I'm gonna wait?
You think I'm gonna wait?
I don't wait!
Oh please, sir, when it comes here, tell me, or...
Like I'm some cuck, send it to me when you get the chance. You have my money and now you have my dignity.
They're cuckin' you.
What else do you want from me?
That's what they're doing, they're fucking your wife in front of you, Joey.
Legitimately!
And then they're like, "We'll let you know when we're done."
Or it's like, "Oh, you want this? You could totally have it." I give them the money, they say, "Well..."
Hey, companies...
"I'll decide when they get it to you though."
Companies, we're on to you. And we're not, we're gonna be the one to break the fucking...
Snake oil salesman, pieces of shit.
Hell yeah.
No dignity, no respect, or loyalty to your customers.
And I'm gonna do you one better, you goddamn whore bastard bitches. If you have a thing on your website that's like, "Sign up for alerts of when it comes back in stock." I better get one email from your company.
You don't.
And it better be when it's back in stock. Cause I see an email that's just like, "We also have..." I'm not only gonna unsubscribe... From your email chain, I might find the company and spit at it.
Spit.
We'll email you when it's back in stock. Go to hell.
Don't send me an email. Don't ever go out of stock.
You know business people, call them. Let them know we're on to them. Let them know that we have figured them out. On your fucking heels. We're on your heels. Damn right.
We have ads.
We're flying today, baby.
We are on it.
Speaking of companies. Cutting me off while I'm singing High School Musical, bananas. Just go. You look like Dylan Efron today.
Who's that?
Zac Efron's brother.
Don't know him. Uh, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, okay? BetterHelp is online therapy. If you want to get into therapy, uh, you can do so with BetterHelp. They make it customizable. They make it very easy to talk to a therapist, just under 48 hours. So it's a quick turnaround. They also make it very easy for you to jump from therapist to therapist so that you can find the right fit for you. That is a very important part of the onboarding process. You can't just talk to someone who you're kind of uncomfortable with. You want to find someone who you feel like understands you. So it's important that you are picky when it comes to your therapist, okay? They have a bunch of therapists that are, that specialize in different things. So, you know, if you have problems with a relationship or, you know, some sort of trauma or, or something like that,
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But, you know, it keeps everything in place, but it's also not gonna make you like sweat a lot or, you know, give you a stomach ache because the elastic band is like super tight or anything like that. It's nice. Um, and Skims, you know, for a while, people thought, this is just for women. But it looks very comfortable. Wish they were for men, boom, they are, okay? And I'm telling you, I've worn them, Frankie's worn them, Ant's worn them, everybody's wearing them. All the cool kids are doing it with the Skims. So, uh, you know, for, you know, maybe a holiday or maybe a birthday or something, get your fellows some Skims. Or if any fellows are watching this right now, you want some comfortable underwear, dude? Skims. So go to Skims, uh, and, uh, yeah, enjoy that, okay? Shop Skims Men and more at skims.com and Skims New York flagship on Fifth Avenue.
Um, let them know that we sent you. After you place your order, select Podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu, okay? Skims, the official underwear partner of the NBA, WNBA, and USA Basketball. Huge. So like I said, go shop, um, Skims Men's and more at skims.com. And when you make your order, select Podcast, put in our podcast, let them know that we sent you, and enjoy that lovely underwear on your body, okay? And, um, let's just, let's just, where were we, by the way? Oh, we yelled. Oh my God, I want to ask you a question. Oh my God, okay. Saw this thing on TikTok, and stop me if you've seen it. Okay. Stop me if you've seen it, be fucking honest. All right, okay. Fuck, whoa, Jesus.
Let me ask you a precursor. There's a lot of questions being thrown at me right now. There's only gonna be two. One, how much do you think you pee a day? We're back on piss, heavy on the piss. The big pee episode. Yeah, it's huge piss. The boys be pissing. This is the thumbnail. Right, no. The pissing dogs. Don't do that. Pissing boys. No. How much do you think you pee a day? Fluid ounces or pints or gallons? Uh, I would say-
I probably pee a gallon of piss a day.
Damn, that's crazy.
I I've been really good with my water intake.
Nice.
For like the last couple of months, I've I've been consistently drinking at least a gallon of water every day.
Wow, good for you.
That's why I always have that smart water bottle, cuz it's a quart.
So it's four of those, four of those a day. That's it, babe.
Now, let me ask you, okay?
Just so you know, I don't know where my TikTok algorithm has led me. It definitely has not led me to piss, so I think we're safe.
Really? Baby, we're we're here right now. I'm gonna put this right here, so I can make sure that I'm reading everything and you can see. Okay. Frank, how long do you think it would take to fill up the Grand Canyon with piss if every single person on earth was pissing into it at the same time?
That's billions of people, dude.
It's eight billion, I believe.
Are we at eight already? I thought it was six.
Eight point two.
Wow, too many people.
That's a ton of people.
That's way too many.
Uh, everyone at the same time pissing. I've never seen or been to the Grand Canyon.
Like a normal pee too, so like.
I know, yeah, not like a.
If you if you in one, like, you know, one day.
Not like an Austin Powers wake up piss, like a, just a normal average, like pee.
Oh, man, how big's the Grand Canyon?
I I didn't even know how to answer that.
Big?
Big is my answer.
Alright, uh. I would say if everyone on earth.
They're on the edge of the Grand Canyon, we're all pissing.
And we're assuming that the Grand Canyon is lined with a non-absorbent material, so it's not like.
No evaporation.
It's not, so it's gonna be, it's like a pool liner.
How long would it take to fill up the Grand Canyon if it had a pool liner with human piss?
I would say. Billion people, man. I would say.
Eight billion.
Eight billion people.
Uh. I would say. Maybe like a month?
Right, that's what I thought.
Yeah, I'd say a month. Hands shaking, he said, show me a piss my show.
Wait, have you seen the video? Uh, I didn't see the video, but I know the question.
You're telling me, there's a viral video going around, but you know about this piss-filled, you know, like, thing?
You're just a piss guy.
Just a piss guy.
Dude.
So, the amount that you can fit in the Grand Canyon is 1.2 quadrillion gallons?
Is that 24 zeros or 40 zeros?
I can't even fathom that being a number that we're going to entertain. That's a circus number.
So if every, so 8 billion gallons a day, that's a lot of gallons, brother.
So, no, so on average, apparently, people piss a half gallon, which is still a lot of pee.
I would imagine I pee probably a half gallon too, because I retain some of the water I drink.
Yeah, uh, I think, um, so this is what this says. Is the math 100% correct? Not for me to decide here.
I mean, you're not a mathematician. Also, this is about piss, so...
Correct. They said...
What's quadrillion?
If people on average piss a half gallon a day, it would take, not a month, but 800,000 years.
Why?
800,000?
What was your answer that you knew?
I was gonna say 1,000 years, maybe?
Shut up!
What is the maybe? You made it seem like, oh, I know this question.
Yeah, I, maybe 1,000 years? You either, here's the thing, with questions like this, you're either criminally under what the answer is, like we are with a month, or you're outlandishly over.
Here's the thing, 1,000 years sounds way more like realistic. 800,000 years? I feel like I could fill it in 800,000. That's so much time!
Nah, brother. 8, well, first of all, you ain't living to be 800,000, Joey. Second of all...
I'm saying, in a, in a wizard life, where I could...
Live that long and pee.
Eight, that's, that's, that's a lot of years.
Bro, eight, think about everyone on earth, bro.
How big is the Grand Canyon, dude?
Apparently fucking massive. If it's taking this long to fill and piss?
It can't be that big. They've gotta be doing some mathing correctly.
I did go on Reddit cuz I was like, let's see-
Oh, it must be real on there!
No, no, no, this is a video that went viral, so I went on Reddit and I, to see, uh... Or I was like, looking it up, to like, make sure I was, I had the numbers correct. And then I saw a Reddit link, and then someone did math, and they were like, "I think this thing is off." And even they came up with like, 700 and something years. But that still seems way longer than I think!
Well, billions-
Bro, 8 billion people peeing into the Grand Canyon? You're gonna tell me that's not gonna take... A solstice, at most!
I dunno, I mean, you'll probably see some colle- like, water accumulation-
But like, isn't the, isn't it, oh boy, isn't the, like, Grand Canyon also deep, too?
It's a canyon?
Yeah. Well, what's, what classifies a canyon from just a hole?
That's great, I mean, you know-
I mean, we can talk about your-
It's, it's-
What? What are you talking about?
I was gonna, I was gonna make a joke about your canyon-like asshole. Insinuating that you normally get it-
Yeah. Estimated volume of the Grand Canyon is 4.17 trillion cubic meters.
Which, what is that? I don't even know what a cubic meter is.
A cubic meter is a meter-
That's a square?
By a meter, by a meter.
So, like, 6 feet by 6 feet by 6 feet, roughly. Oh no, 3 feet, sorry. A meter is about 3 feet and change, right?
Um, I like how I'm acting, and, like, he knows. You're the mother that's been to school the most recently, so-
I knew. There are 8.2 billion people on the planet, but for our purposes, we'll only include people over the ages of 15... Why, why?
No, baby's pissed, dude, baby's pissed, brother!
That's what I'm saying, what is this person doing? So equally, roughly 6.5 billion people, even that. 1 cubic meter is 1,000 liters, so we'll need, I can't even read that number, it's an insane number. Each person produces roughly 1.4 liters of urine a day. With 6.5 billion people, that's 9.1 billion liters a day. At that rate, it would take 458,241 days to fill the Grand Canyon.
Which is how- How many years?
I don't know, divide that by three hundred sixty-five. Twelve, twelve hundred years? That's quick math, I don't know. I, I hope that's not even close. Four fifty-eight, two.
No, I, I think you're, you're roughly in the ballpark.
Wait, hold on, I fucked that up. Two fifty-eight, what is it? Two fifty-eight?
Times a hundred thousand would be three hundred fifty.
Divided by three sixty-five.
Sixty-five thousand.
One thousand two hundred and fifty-five years. Not bad, buddy.
Really great, buddy.
One thousand two hundred and fifty-five years. You said twelve hundred.
Oh wow, look at me.
You don't even remember?
Just say it with confidence.
Math, good, memory, bullshit. I'm sorry.
Even twelve hundred years.
That's so much longer than I'm even believing now.
Yeah, I don't even believe that. I just think that this is a, like, I, I don't think people realize how much piss, like, the average person pisses a half gallon a day, but then you have freaks like Greg, who pisses several gallons a day.
Greg is pissing at an alarming rate.
I think, realistically.
Me?
Let's do a social experiment. Let's get a bucket in here. One cubic.
I'm not doing this.
And we just pee in it.
Or dump our piss into it.
We're back to the front. You wanna, you wanna piss on piss. That's what, that's how you get your rocks off.
You know, Steve-O, I, I don't know, did you ever, uh, you definitely didn't. Steve-O does stand-up specials now, and he had a stand-up special, and I watched it last year with my brother, and one of, it's basically like some stand-up, and he mixes in some like stunts and stuff, like, some of them are fucking crazy. I don't wanna give it away, because I respect you, Mr. Steve-O. One of them I will give away. He collects urine from everyone he knows for like seven months or six months, including the urine that's in his like traveling RV, and he puts it in a pool and he dives into the pool. Like a kiddie pool.
Go ahead. Take that in. Steveo, by the way, you're ever-
How's he alive after that?
Bro, he's done way crazier shit. Swimming in a little piss.
Swimming in a little piss?
Swimming in a little piss, baby.
That is so gross, dude.
That sounds like, that's like a rejected Jimmy Buffett song. Swimming in a lil piss.
Imagine the smell.
Yeah, it smells like piss, probably.
Worse.
A lot of piss.
It can't be worse than cat piss.
I'm sure it's definitely worse.
No, I'd rather a pool of human piss than cat piss. Are you crazy?
I don't even know if I have a preference, to be honest with you.
Yeah, Steveo, if you're ever in the area, what's up?
Go piss on Frank.
No!
He'd love it.
No, stop that.
Apparently.
Hey, Steveo, if you're ever in the area, let's pee on each other's pee.
And then you can swim in it.
That, that doesn't seem, alright, what about if people crapped? Way longer, because the average person is like one day, one crapper a day.
I think the real problem is that the difference between a billion and a trillion is just so big.
It's a million billions, right?
It's just so big.
It's a million-
How about a quadrillion?
Exactly.
What? Clown numbers. Did you ever see the thing that was just like, um, the richest man in history was like, some like African king or, or something, and it was like, he valued his, what the land was, or like Genghis Khan, and it was like, what the land was valued that he had conquered was like trillions and trillions of dollars or something like that.
That's crazy. I don't, so what, a billion is nine hundred nine, a billion is a thousand, a trillion is a thousand billions or a million billions?
How do these numbers exist?
I remember, what's, what's a Google? Is that a hundred zeros?
Why did we even get that high? They're not even usable to use these numbers.
I mean, they are when you talk about stuff like space travel and shit like that.
And piss.
One, oh, what am I looking at here? Can you zoom in on this stuff?
I can't.
One trillion. That's bananas.
It's not letting me. There we go.
One trillion dollars visualized. Those are double, and by the way, those are double stacked. Double stacked pallets like that.
So this is what I'm saying, so this is one.
This is the person down here.
Oh, fuck, that's what that is? I was literally gonna be like, a trillion dollars, I thought it'd be more than that.
No, like, this is the, the, the human.
And this is the trillion, and this is the, that's what I'm, like, that's why it takes a long time to piss in the grand can.
Yo, honestly?
But what, what size bills? That hundred million is not what I thought it was gonna be. I thought that was gonna be way more. That's it? I really struggle when people are just like, you wouldn't be able to carry uh, this much money in a bag because it's too heavy. I struggle with that, it's just paper. And I know, like, it's like a hundred dollars, a hundred pounds of paper, you know, like, they say, like, what's heavier? A hundred pounds of bricks, or a hundred pounds of feathers? And it's like, brother, they're both a hundred pounds. Bro, if you give me a backpack and my clothing, and like, some Janko jeans, or whatever you're wearing, like, recently, I'm walking out of there with at least fifty million dollars. Because it's paper.
I, I don't think that you could do that, just cuz, like, I think that's, like, more than you think.
But like, were those how heavy is, how much, it weigh about twenty-two pounds?
I don't think the pounds is the problem.
What, twenty-two pounds? Dude! It'd weigh about twenty-two pounds, you could easily fit a million dollars into a briefcase, backpack, or duffel bag. Yo! Fifty, oh wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Fifty million weighs five hundred kilograms, about half a ton.
Yeah, I didn't.
That can't be true.
I didn't think this was right, I think.
Bro. Fifty million dollars weighing half a ton?
I think that's right.
But what if it's hundred dollar bills? How much is a million? Forty-five pounds? A million dollars is forty-five, bro, I think that money is, like, heavier than you think. But like
half a ton?
Nah.
It's fifty million? I refuse to believe that. I refuse.
I, I actually believe it. I think it makes sense.
Paper is heavy, dude.
If you're...
A paper is heavy, bro. Remember we had to haul, did you bring any of those fucking stacks of paper out?
No, I wasn't here when you guys said you got it.
Bro, those are heavy.
Well, they're little reams of paper.
Yeah, but those are like not...
How much would one of those be in money? Five hundred sheets?
How would I even make a guess?
Five hundred sheets on four bills?
I'm just saying, give me a duffel bag, I'm leaving with at least...
You, I mean, you weren't there for this video, but remember those ten thousand dollar things? Like, those are obviously very light. Ten of them, though, is a hundred grand only.
And then, that ten times... No, but I'm saying like, that's a hundred grand, and like, that's like a lot of space. Like, to fit that in something, I think is difficult. And it probably wouldn't be heavy, and that's only a hundred grand.
I got it. I'd be good.
You're not carrying fifty million dollars.
Bro, put me, here, I have a great video idea for you. Put me in an enclosed room and say, you can, whatever you, you put as much money as you have in there. Whatever you can walk out with, you could keep, and I'm, I'm easily bankrupting you.
How much money you think I have? You think I have fifty million fucking dollars?
I've seen your bank accounts, I know that you have at least four hundred million dollars.
Imagine? I would be living in Tuscany right now.
I'll be honest, I think about it often.
Having that much money.
Four hundred million dollars?
Yeah, it'd be, it'd be...
I would quit well before that.
Did you fart?
No, I don't know what that was. Imagine you just let a fart rip. Like, I need more reasons. Give me more reasons.
"Give me one reason to stay here", you know that song?
Don't know it, but we're gonna get out of here before that continues.
Frank, where can they find ya?
Oh, don't cut me off when I'm singing!
You don't even know what song it was.
"Give Me One Reason to Stay Here" by Tracy Chapman. Give me one reason.
You know, Tracy Chapman.
I guess we're getting out of here. F Alvarez 8085 on Twitter, The Frank Alvarez on all their forms of social media, that being Instagram and TikTok. Go check out the Patreon, patreon.com/thebasementyard. Go check out the Basement Yard, at the Basement Yard, everywhere you enjoy us. Thank you for the love, support, everything that I could have think of. I'm a little fried right now, I'm kinda hungry, so.
It's totally fine, the food's on the way. And that is all. See you guys next time.
Bye.
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