The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank.
How you doing, baby?
I'm doing great, how are you?
Do you prefer baby over bitch?
Yeah, I think anyone would.
Well, some people don't like baby. Baby makes them feel a little uncomfortable.
What do you mean?
Some people don't like baby. Love that jacket you got going on there, by the way. Absolutely love it.
Love it.
Um, just the colors are great.
I love a good inside pocket, because then people think you have a gun.
Nothing is cooler than when I'm wearing a suit and I put money in there.
Bro.
Dude, it makes me feel so... Hey, welcome back, by the way, guys.
Yo, at weddings, when you have like the card?
And you pull it out and you're just like, "This is for you."
Yeah, but have you ever, have you ever... Giving anyone anything from my jacket pocket is the coolest thing in the world. It's better than smoking cigarettes, which is cool.
Oh!
Not actually, but it is cool looking.
No, don't do it, don't do it, don't.
Cool looking.
Don't do it.
Yeah, but like, at weddings sometimes, the card I got is too wide and it doesn't fit in my pocket. And I get so fucking mad.
I hate that. Listen, as a former cigar smoker, it's...
You gave it up, you retired cold turkey?
I think I'm done, baby.
You're cold turkey?
I'm gone, yeah, I got nothing like my turkey. Cause I got no reason to right now, I just...
What was the reason before?
Enjoying it. I just don't, I don't know, maybe if the time was right. But like, right now, I'm in a place of just like, "I don't need it, I'm trying to not die." Uh, but whipping out a cigar and then whipping out a Zippo lighter out of one of those bitches and just being like...
Zipper lighters.
Dude, what a great, bro, lighters?
Lighters?
You, all of them?
Like, there's some-
Metal ones. Metal lighters.
Oh yeah, like, plastic bix?
Yeah, like, I'm not-
Listen, no offense to bix, but why pens and lighters? Like, why is that-
That's very confusing to me, to be honest.
Like, but, dude, there's some, there's like this, like, lighter account on TikTok? And it's like, this French guy, and he finds a bunch of old lighters, and he's like, "This is from the Japan," you know, forgive the French-
It's okay.
-accent.
Oh, so he has all these old lighters. Does he refurbish them?
Dude, and he like gets them-
Is that the right word? Refurbish?
Refurbish, yeah.
Like, you make them new again?
But what is, so then, if fucking something up is refurbishing it?
Yes.
Don't. Don't, look it up.
No, but I love when people get, I mean, we've talked about this too, because there's that one Irish guy who's like, "Oh, I've got to bring this thing back."
Oh, the wood.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's like woodworking.
Sometimes he'll, I've seen him like, make a machete look really nice and shiny again. That's fun.
Have you ever seen the ones where they put the machetes in like the tub, and then they shock it to get all the fucking rust off of it?
No, what?
What? You've never seen that?
I do like that though, because sometimes they do that with like watches, or like jewelry.
Oh, and it's like-
What is going on in this little tub?
Oh, it's a little horny little tub.
What is it? Is it electricity?
I'm sure, so like, it's like a, yeah, I don't know.
Or it just shakes it, it just shakes it.
I don't think the shaking is the thing that's cleaning it. I think it's probably the chemicals that are in it.
Oh.
But-
So I can't like, put my finger in there? Like, if I had a dirty hand, I can't like, clean myself?
That's a great question. I don't know. I don't think we should look it up, because how would we even look that up?
Would you get in a, like a shaky tub like that? Knock the dirt off of you?
I don't, there's something in the way you said that, that seems a little like double entendre, and I don't like it.
What does that mean?
Like, too mid-
No, I know what a double entendre is, but like, how am I saying-
No one's knocking the dirt off me. My, my dust has been knocked off. See, now I fucked it up, and I said it.
So now you do get dusty.
We're all a little dusty.
Definitely.
But, so this guy, it's like old lighters and some of them are just like, it looks like a little clam. And then you open the clam and it's just bang, a fucking flame.
Yeah.
And it's so sick dude.
You know what's cool? Yo, I don't really, I mean, I don't know. I don't know if I love torches.
I love torches. My dad, my dad.
Yeah, like, no, no, no, what?
My dad. My dad always had, cause my dad gave up smoking cigarettes to smoke the better option, which is Black and Milds.
Right.
And he would light it with a plumber's torch, which is the fucking torch with the giant.
Oh, not that, not that.
Canister underneath.
And he would light it like this.
And that thing was fucking wild.
Yeah, he doesn't have eyebrows anymore because of that. That's an insane thing to be lighting that with, by the way.
I mean, it's my father. Does anything surprise you about it?
It is true.
Were your parents smokers?
No, I mean, one time, my dad like never smoked. Remember, I don't think he's ever smoked in his life.
Really?
I've never seen him smoke and I, and I remember them saying.
Oh my god, I can only imagine you asking him. Dad, have you ever smoked?
Yeah, he would be so offended.
We have gotten like it out of my mom, it's been like, mom, you used to smoke weed. And then she's like, I.
And I'm like, whoa!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got her.
You smoked weed, you fucking pot head four twenty. That's a three. Fuck.
Um, but yeah, so I think my mom like smoked a little, a little bit of the grass, the devil's lettuce.
Well, you definitely shouldn't say that. There's definitely better ways to say that.
Devil's lettuce?
Yeah, cause weren't, it was, I think like all those like old timey terms for weed were kind of like a little insensitive toward people of color. Well, yeah, cause they, it was like a popular thing to smoke by. Black men and women. So like the white people were just like, you know, you know how they be. But.
What? I thought the devil's lettuce was like because it's a drug.
Also, yes, but like, there's another word for them that I don't wanna say because. It's, it's kinda mean, but like it has to do with a type of music and then they call it the music cigarette.
I've never heard that before in my life.
Have you, have you ever heard that?
You're so tapped into like.
Yeah, man. But backtracking a little bit. Again, you know, I'm not a, I'm not a cigarette smoker, but.
If you pulled out of your jacket, those like old timey metal things that like held cigarettes?
Yeah, but they're, they're hand rolled and you made them earlier.
They're like, yeah, they're like, you bought the tobacco at the store.
See, I would do that.
Really? I mean, it's still bad. It's still bad tobacco.
Duh. That's not why I'm saying I would do it. I would do it because it's just cool. Or, honestly, hate this aesthetic, but there is something about a rolled up cigarette pack in your, in your sleeve.
Oh, like you're fucking Johnny from the fucking greasers?
Yeah, exactly.
When we were kids, um, at like, when I would do like Cub Scouts, my sister and I-
You did Cub Scouts?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did Cub Scouts.
Do you have badges?
Bro, how did I not know you're a Cub Scout? I was a Cub Scout. I don't think I finished-
How long did you Cub?
Uh, I think there, I think that means something else, but, uh, it was at St. Francis. It wasn't very long, but I, I remember my parents, we used to dress, they used to dress me as fucking Danny Zuko from Grease and my dad used to put an empty pack of Marlboro Reds in my t-shirt as like a five-year-old.
Wait, I thought Cub Scouts wear uniforms?
But like they had like, you had to make like those cars. You never saw those where like you have to like woodwork a car and like win a race? My dad put so many quarters in that thing.
You'd strike me as a Cub Scout.
No, no, no.
Eagle Scout? No, that's better.
Well, I think you need to go from one to the other. You can't be an Eagle Scout if you don't stop as, start as a Cub.
I don't know the hierarchy.
I stopped at Cub. I was done. I think I saw too much.
I didn't Cub.
Did you do anything like that though? Were you a part of clubs when you were younger?
I did, I will say, I did go camping with some Boy Scouts once and it was an experience.
Were you a Boy Scout or were you an adult?
Not an adult.
Because the way you said that was like, I went camping with some Boy Scouts.
I was in, uh, middle school and some of the kids that I went to school with were like, you, you remember some of them?
Um, they were Boy Scouts and like we went for like two nights and it was just like-
Where?
I don't remember where. It was somewhere in New York, but like it wasn't like anything intense. It was one of those like, you ever see those TikToks of that guy that's like in the wilderness and there's like a shack that's like four campers?
The guy with, oh no.
The guy that's just like, so we're gonna be digging out.
Is that the guy with the glasses?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love-
I love that guy.
I will kill for him. We watched one of his videos when we were in Vancouver.
We did.
We threw it on the TV. This dude gets like 28 million fucking watches a month.
He's like, "Look at this." And then he, he takes a stick out and he's like, "14 foot snow." I'm like, "Dude, get off of that."
Like, "It's dangerous, my guy."
I love, I forget what his, I think it's like Brave Wilderness or some shit like that.
Yeah, I don't know.
But he's like, "So today, we're gonna be like, I, I brought this homemade bread." And it's just dough in a bag.
And he's like, "And I got this honey butter." And he's just scooping charred bread that he made over the fire into honey butter. All about it.
There is a TikTok account that I, there's a couple of them, but there's one in particular that I don't remember the name. But it's this dude who has the sharpest knife in the world.
Isn't the Obsidian Knife?
What is that?
Star Wars?
Alright, you finish then I'll talk.
Sword from Zelda? What is that?
Do you want me to go off about the sword from Zelda?
I'm sorry I brought up Nintendo.
Cause there's the Skyward Sword, there's, alright, go, go ahead.
No, but this guy, he like, goes out into nature and he'll find a piece of wood or something. And then there's like a river, so he'll like grab a fuck, he'll get a fish. And then like he'll scale the fish.
Oh, yeah.
And then he'll make a fire out of like a stump and something else. And then he'll create a fire and then he's got like, like bread.
And then he's got like a piece of meat.
And then he's got.
Oh, oh, oh.
He's, he's making, he's, you, what are you doing?
And then he's like slicing tomatoes, thin, thin tomatoes.
And he's got that giant fat knife.
And they're see-through. The, the, the, the tomatoes are so thin that you could see through them, bro.
It's unbelievable. And he like, takes a big like rock and he wets it and cleans it in the river. And then he just like puts it on and he cooks a steak on this fucking dumb rock.
He's got the steak and then he takes like a piece of rosemary or just like a piece of leaf. And then he like dips that in olive oil and he goes like this and I'm like, "Dude, this guy's not worried about diseases at all."
And he does it. And he throws an onion in the air and he catches it on his knife. God, whatever this big knife guy is, you, uh, love your knife and I love your skills.
I love your knife and skills as well.
I know, those are the best, dude.
When he throws the onion and then catches it and then he turns it over. And then he starts going.
Shung, shung, shung, shung.
I'm like, fucking, oh my god, dude.
Yeah, oh, it's so good. Uh, you know why I like it? Because I know I could never do it.
Dude, and then when he slices, like, rosemary, like, extra thin, and he's like...
Well, rosemary, rosemary is a, it's like a leaf.
Well, I know, he like scrapes it off, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Oh, when he has like parsley and he like shaves it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and he's like, oh, it's like, zick, zick, zick, zick. Oh my, oh, bro, this is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Or, or like, he has like a mortar and pestle, and he puts like peppercorns in it, and he's like, huang.
The dude, dude, and he...
Shark.
And then, and then, yeah, yo, bro! Oh, my god, when people like go the extra mile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's like, yo, there's salt and pepper, it's everywhere, where you're like, I'm gonna make it.
I, I could see you in a couple years, after all this is said and done, Joey's gonna be one of those. He's gonna be it, and I'm proud of you.
Thank you, I haven't done it.
I know, but like, the prospect of you doing it, I'm proud of you.
I would love for like a Patreon video.
Wait, do you know the Canadian one?
Go ahead, go ahead.
Do you know the Canadian guy?
Which Canadian guy?
There's a Canadian guy that does this, but he's, hello, buddy. You've never seen that?
Have you ever seen, bro, there's...
Don't skip over this!
Oh, you skipped over me! The skipping continued on your side!
I was afraid that you were gonna go off of these TikToks. He, he, it's like a little cabin, and he's got a big, he's got, he's got like stash, and he goes, hello, buddy. And then he, he makes a thing, there's like a tea that he makes, and a little meal, and then he sits down at the end of it, he's in this cabin with a tiny TV, he's playing like Duck Hunter, bro. You mean Duck Hunt, but...
I do mean Duck Hunt.
You mean Duck Hunt, awesome.
Unbelievable, and then, so the guy I was gonna bring up before, I forgot who he is. As if I, his name would matter here.
I, I don't know.
He like makes like ancient tools, and he's like...
What? What's so funny?
We're so deep in, this is so niche now.
He's like...
There's a guy who makes ancient tools.
He has like a piece of like cowhide on his leg, and he holds like a piece of obsidian, and he takes a rock, and he like...
What's obsidian?
Obsidian is, um, like, super cooled lava that becomes glass. And like a lot of like ancient, uh, um...
I was gonna say companies, no. Ancient cultures and uh, what's it civilizations would make tools out of this shit because when it it breaks so thin and it's like thirty times sharper than a scalpel and you don't need to sharpen it because the more it breaks, it just breaks thinner and thinner.
So like old swords, look up old obsidian swords, look that up right now, old obsidian swords.
Do they sell this? Let's get a sword.
Let's get a sword in here?
Old obsidian swords, look at this, that's what I'm talking about.
They put them on like paddles and stuff.
And they were like the ancient, ah man, I feel bad that I won't be able to understand like correctly.
It's Aztec.
Aztec, okay, and they would like, shing, shing, but then they'd catch them and then rip it. And it would just fuck their shit up.
Damn dude, I'm not on, I'm not on ancient tool making TikTok.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he like, he like holds it.
Whoa, are those obsidian fucking?
Bunch of?
I was trying to look for prices, but yeah, then he's fucked up.
Um, but like if he like takes it and he's like, bang, and he hits it with a rock and it like poked, it like comes, it cuts off.
Damn.
It cuts off.
Dude, TikTok's got some great stuff, man.
TikTok.
You know, honestly, I'm kinda sick of people like us just talking, like let's, let's see some skills. You know what I'm saying?
I think what we do is very skilled.
Ah.
In a different way.
It ain't making obsidian swords.
I mean, you wouldn't see them going and selling out Radio City, what are they gonna do?
I would buy a ticket to that. If there was a, hold on.
If I could go to a show.
Where they just do that?
Oh, you know, you go to like a Peyton sip and you're like, haha, like if someone's like, yo, we're gonna make ancient fucking swords in here. And we're gonna drink some wine, that's probably a little too dangerous.
Shut up, what if it's, uh, you know how they would do like the old timey, like people watching surgeries in like the theater in the round?
I think they still do that.
Yeah, I mean weird now that we do that, like we could.
It's for students.
I know, but still stupid, like if they.
I think the students should learn how to do surgery before they do surgery.
They don't need to be watching it like a fucking vulture.
How you gonna, hey, you get out, you're not in his way.
Sit with you and watch? Yeah, done, you don't need to fucking have it in a pod where people watch you like it's a lion's den, I think that's actually what they call it. Or maybe that was a wrestling match that included Ken Shamrock. Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman.
Those are wrestlers.
They were, um, but.
Yeah, I don't know either. I have no idea where we were.
Now you're, you've offended me.
The thing...
You've offended me. But if they did that, but like, in there, they're not doing surgery, they're just like shaping wood into a canoe.
Just like woodworking. There's that guy, remember that guy who went viral years ago on Twitch? He's a, I think he's from New Zealand, or from Australia, and he's just a, just a big happy dude, and he's just like, "Alright, we're gonna make, you know, uh, we're gonna make a paddle today." You know, and he's just like, and like, someone gifted him a sub, and he's like, "Oh, I wanna send you the money back. You don't need to do that, I just like doing this." And now he's huge, dude.
Yeah?
Very, very underrated impression that he did.
I, I feel like I've...
It was good?
It was very good.
It's funny because...
His name is like Brock's, or something like that.
That's a, that's a sick name.
So cool.
But that's also the impression he does for David Beckham.
Well, now David Beckham is here.
Now do, now do the guy.
Um, alright.
Maybe it's a little close.
You know what, they, they are pretty similar. But one of them, bro, if I saw David Beckham, and I heard him talk like that, I could, I know I could beat him up. If I saw this guy, I know I can't.
David Beckham.
You think realistically, you could beat up David Beckham?
Absolutely not. I've seen him. I mean, maybe.
You've seen him sitting down, Joey.
He was standing at one point.
But he's not that tall, he's what, like, he's like your height, like 5'1"?
He bastard. Six foot.
Well, uh...
Height and weight, I mean, he's definitely 150, I'll dog him when it comes to that.
So he's got, so he's 6 feet.
What the?
75...
What do you mean, is this fucking, is, is, is stats?
75 kilos is... Yeah, 75 kilos, that's like 170.
Are we sure about that?
I have no idea how to do the conversion, to be honest with you.
75 kilos to pounds.
163. Oh, see that? Confidence paid off. Now I look smarter to everyone that thought I knew it.
I feel like you just, like, I'm trying to picture his body and how much he would weigh.
Crazy.
Um, but, six feet, you're done. You're toast. This guy's got a good 10 inches on you.
Alright. I was like, what are you talking about? Um, yeah, no. I guess shout out to David Beckham and his wife, Victoria. Why am I doing that?
You ever see that clip of where she's just like, talking about like, "My dad, we had it so hard." And, and he's like in the back, David Beckham in the back, and he's like, "What school did your dad drop you? What car did your dad drive you to school in?"
And she's like, "It doesn't matter, David." He's like, "What, what car?" And she's like, "David, it doesn't matter." He's like, "It was a bloody Rolls Royce."
Or something, something like that.
Yo, I'm a big fan of bloody, by the way. When, when people from, like, England say, "Oh, it's bloody crazy." Or like, whatever. And I'm on cheeky too now.
Cheeky, I, I really, like, I would, I love the idea of cunt, but like, we can't do it here.
We could.
Cheeky.
Cheeky's cool.
Cheeky's cool because it's playfully naughty, you know what I mean?
But if you say cheeky cunt, you could probably get away with that.
You're cheeky bloody. What, what, what comes next?
Cunt?
We, we, so we're gonna do, I actually planned on this, we're gonna do an episode of, uh, like, Europe slang. Before we go over there, so, we'll be well-versed. I was gonna say endowed for some reason.
We'll be well, we won't be that.
We'll be well-versed before we go over there. But, speaking of well-versed, there's actually something that I saw that I wanted to bring up. I don't know if you saw this, it's been...
This is not gonna have anything to do with well-versed, huh?
Uh, no. Or well-endowed, or maybe.
Speaking of well-versed, here's something that has nothing to do with that.
No, no, no. Well-endowed might be the thing. Um, I'm not gonna show you-
Which means big dick.
Uh, yeah. By the way, I'm not showing you a picture of a dick, just-
That'd be great.
Okay, I'm not, I promise. But-
This just sounds like you are now.
But it's been going on the, around on the internet. So there's a woman who, look at me Joey. There's a woman who found, was going through her dead grandmother's like belongings. After, could grandmothers be dying? I mean, we know that.
They do be dying.
And found this card in her dresser.
Mm-hmm.
And show the first one first, the fir-, no, no, no, yeah, so that one. So this is a card that was in her dresser, presumably from the 50s or 60s for Dr. Dan. Expert plane and fancy fucking evenings by appointment only.
This is awesome.
Grandma was getting it dude. So, I mean, we can just go-
Cut rate to a party of six or more?
Satisfaction with one hard on.
This dude was giving out six man discounts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, first of all, way to go Dr. Dan. By the way, also spelling doctor wrong, is that? Is it doctor or doctor? Is that spelled right?
No, it's doc-, it's, that's wrong, doctor.
It is doctor.
So this guy didn't want to get in trouble.
I don't think this man is a doctor.
I don't think he's a fucking doctor either dude.
What are the lines of being a doctor though? I think that's something that we definitely have to ask.
Schooling, schooling, schooling.
Yep.
Because you could be a doctor of thuganomics, look at John Cena. Uh, you could be-
Maybe to you.
Uh, but, this guy knew-
Extra attention given to neglected married women.
Also, bottom right corner, widow a special, widow's a specialty.
How, he specializes in widows?
There's one part of this that you are vastly overlooking.
Virgins treated gently.
Spinsters satisfied. What the hell's a spinster?
What's a spinster? Spinster, spinster. What is that? It sounds like Chucky Finster, which I think doesn't mean anything compared to this.
Who is that?
Chucky Finster?
I don't even know why I asked.
Chucky Finster, Tommy Pickles.
Oh, that's his last name? Chucky?
Oh, I didn't know that. By appointment only is great. You can't just walk in here.
So-
With a party of six.
So, this was clearly, so grandma was...
She was getting, she was, you know-
She needed Dr. Dan.
I'm assuming, you know, grandpa died, she became a widow, and that's a specialty.
What do you call this? A gigolo? Is that what that technically is?
I think so, yeah.
Or a male prostitute?
Yeah, it could be.
I, I, I gotta say-
I mean, this is a doctor, for-
I gotta say. Gigolo? Cool word. It's a fun word. It reminds me of Jell-O.
It does.
It reminds me of...
Say it, R. Kelly.
God damn it, I wasn't going that. That is a-
I'm a gigolo, always on the go. Imagine making a song about like-
It was a gigolo spending lots of dough.
Do you remember who sang-
I thought he was always on the go.
Do you remember who sang that song? He did the hook.
R. Kelly.
He did the hook. Do you remember whose song that actually was?
No.
The signs were there, man.
Stop, P. Diddy?
No, the signs were there. It was Nick Cannon.
Was it a Nick Cannon song?
Yeah. Pull, uh, don't, you don't need to pull up it.
Absolutely do not pull it up.
I mean, the song kinda hits. I think it was on like Now That's What I Call Music, like, 7 or 8? And I remem-
Why do you know that?
Because we had those. My mom would get us those albums.
You had all the Now, That's, whatever?
Not all of them, but we had a few.
Did you have any kids, Bob?
No, thank God. Thank God. You had kids, Bob?
I did.
You would, you would, Kids Bob! You bop!
Your parents probably loved that you were a kid bopping.
I guess.
I don't even know how to understand that.
Do you remember any of the good Kids Bob? Like, did you like legit listen to it, or did you know immediately, like, this is-
I just remember some of them were pretty good.
Like what?
I don't, I don't remember. I couldn't tell you.
It's kind of a bananas move, to be like, yo, let's take popular songs, make kids sing them, and then sell CDs and give them probably nothing.
Oh, yeah. I told, did I tell you that there was a company who reached out to invite me to Kids Bob?
Yeah, they tour.
They tour, and they were just like, "Bring the family," which is cool.
By the way-
Very gracious, but then they were like, "Meet the stars of Kids Bob."
And I was like-
It's like, I'm not gonna meet Tommy, bro. What am I gonna do with you?
What song do you like, you know?
Yeah. Uh, I was gonna ask, tour?
Like, that's how you say it?
Tour.
Do you say tour?
Or you say tour.
Going on tour.
Tour, yeah.
Tour?
See, like, yeah, people say tour.
I think it's just a regional difference, you know what I mean? I don't think there's much.
Someone from New York one time was like, "Tour." I was like, "Oh, what the fuck? Tour?" I also pronounce a lot of words wrong, but, you know.
Well, we're New Yorkers. We do, you know, coffee, chocolate.
Everyone gets on me for "axe."
Axe, well, that's because you're just saying it wrong, but I understand you're...
Yeah, I don't have time.
So, just based off of what you're seeing here, if you knew someone that needed a little fancy fucking.
Right. If there was neglected married women, then who better to call than a doctor?
I mean, here's the thing. Nothing here that says it's only for women.
That's fair. That's fair.
Nothing that says...
He's not, Docter Dan isn't giving the Doctor Dick to Dad.
And the virgins are treated gently, which is...
Which is what you want to hear.
Exactly.
You know, you want them to be treated with respect.
We don't want anyone treated not gently, unless they don't want to be treated gently. In that case...
I really hope there's nothing about this that has come out that has been like, bad or dark, because then, then we sound bad, but...
What did we say?
I'm just saying, I know, I know, I know, I'm just saying. Alright, so now, Joey, there's another portion of this, which is the back of the card.
Wait, hold on, real quick, I just want to point this out. There's a photo right underneath this. So it's so funny that there's like a family photo, or her and her husband, and then right under that, Docter Dan with the dick out.
If, because your grandmothers are all gone.
If you had gone...
You made it sound like I have twenty of them.
Both your grandparents are gone.
Both your, both sets of grandparents are gone.
You're clean slate.
Cleaned out.
Yeah, we're empty.
Gotcha.
If you found this in your grandmother's drawer, would you be hype? Or would you be like grandma?
Frank. Oh, if she's alive?
Mm-hmm. Well, no, no, no, if she's-
Oh, if she died?
Current situation.
If, if, if my grandmother died and we went to her house and I found this?
I'm putting it in a frame.
And I'm hanging it.
Really? You're that pumped?
100%.
Yeah, I would, I, I-
This is honestly like finding the Declaration of Independence.
There's also something sad about this because at the time, women were, not, not that they're treated great now, but like-
Do we know what time this was?
It's, I, so, we're gonna get into that. So, I think, I tried finding the original post and I couldn't find it. I think it's around the 60s. So, there's another part of this, before Ant pulls it up, that includes what is offered by Dr. Dan. What his services-
Services, okay.
The services. So, in addition to what the services are gonna pull up, we went the extra mile here at the Basement Yard. We take research very seriously when it is stupid. And we did a conversion of what the cost would be.
Oh, with inflation?
With inflation, adjusted for inflation.
I love that.
Perfect.
So, why don't we pull up the next-
Why don't we get to the ads and then we'll get to this?
Alright, yeah. Ads and then we'll talk about Dr. Dan giving that, go to the ads.
Yeah, thank God. Uh, first off here, we got Omaha Steaks. Omaha Steaks, they make, uh, amazing steaks, okay? Legendary steaks. They sent a box of them to me and Frank and we are very excited about that. They're in my freezer freezing right now. Uh, they have been America's original butcher since 1917, okay? Way before Dr. Dan. Uh, they delivers the world's best steak experience and brings people together with more than 100 years of family-owned expertise. But yeah, now during their semi-annual sale, you can get 50% off site-wide at Omaha Steaks. Plus, our listeners will get an extra $30 off with the promo code basementyard at checkout, okay? You're saving tons of money here and these are great steaks and they have a bunch of different cuts.
Um, so if you're having a party or, uh, you know, anything like- Like that, or you're just a steak lover. You can get them at Omaha Steaks. So, grass-fed, grain-finished beef has more marbling for exceptional flavor, and has a choice of steak houses and professional chefs around the world. So, you're getting that kind of quality steak, alright? So, don't miss the semi-annual sale at Omaha Steaks. Visit omaha-steaks.com for 50% off sitewide. And for an extra $30 off, use the promo code basementyard at checkout, okay? So, saving a ton of money there. 50% off, omaha-steaks.com, and get that extra $30 off with the promo code basementyard. Go get yourself some steaks, alright? And we also have Caraway, okay? Good-looking, clean-cooking.
There's a lot of pots and pans out there, and, you know, we've learned over the years that cooking with them enough, you can kick up some dirt, and there's some toxins that are in the things that they are using to protect the pots, or whatever, and it's not good, because it gets into your body. But with Caraway, we got rid of that, okay? You know, like, microplastics and stuff like that. The amount of plastic in brain samples has increased 50% since 2016. I'm gonna think about that for the rest of the afternoon and scare myself. A single scratch on Teflon cookware can release over 9,000 microplastic particles. Also gonna think about that. But Caraway kitchenware is crafted with sustainable, non-toxin materials,
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Yeah, and you know what? If you're cooking something up in the kitchen, you know, why don't you throw on more of us? More of the Basement Yard, which you can get at patreon.com/thebasementyard. Thank you so much to everyone that continues to support us, especially the people that support us over on Patreon, which is kind of realistically the most direct and easiest way to support us. Go to patreon.com/thebasementyard, sign up today for that first tier and you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. And then that second tier, well, you'll get exclusive episodes every single Friday at 7:00 a.m. like clockwork, baby. Our biological clock is ticking right along for ya. Okay, so yeah, thank you, Ant. So, go over to basementyard.com slash, nope, patreon.com/thebasementyard to check that out.
We thank you guys so much for continuing to support us and we appreciate it. And if you can't do it, it's okay. I completely understand, but please do it. Joe holds a gun to my head when you're not here and the cameras aren't on. Also, if you're coming to any of the Europe shows, we're doing shows in Scotland, London, Dublin. If you're coming to any of those shows, make sure you check out thebasementyard.com/submit. A part of the Basement Yard experience shows that we've incorporated into each of the shows is that we like to talk to you guys, with you guys, about you guys. And we ask you, you fill out a little questionnaire, include some funny stories, something scandalous. You know, we've had several people tell us about their significant other cheating on them with their parents. It's crazy. So, go check it out at thebasementyard.com/submit. Tell us what show you're coming to, fill out the questionnaire,
and then you never know, maybe we'll talk to you about you. We're not sure. So, thank you again. We appreciate it and we'll see you in Europe.
I love the to you, about you, from you, to you.
Well, I'm very good at this.
In the name of the Father and the Son.
Obviously. So, okay, so here is the price list that Dr. Dan was so kind to provide us with. So, we're gonna go from the top down, baby. Top-down price list. Starting off clear cut, okay? Plain insertion.
Plain, no pepperoni.
No pepperoni.
No sausage.
Well, no.
Maybe sausage.
There's sausage.
Just sausage.
Well, there's, well, I-
Twenty dollars?
Twenty dollars. Now, with caresses.
Twenty seven.
Yo, seven dollars for caresses? What are we talking about, by the way?
Well, caresses, we've figured out, is back of the hand.
Back of the hand, so like this, because a caress adds a level of intimacy.
I don't know that I've ever caressed.
So, what Dr. Dan is clearly doing here, obviously, is establishing, as a businessman, that he is no nonsense.
Right, twenty bucks.
Twenty bucks for just the base insertion.
Is there tax?
Um, you know, that's a great question. I imagine that Dr. Dan does not report any of his income from this.
I don't think so. I don't think he has an LLC.
Uh, so, twenty dollars for a flat, you know, insertion with caress twenty seven. And, just for shits and giggles, can you let us know in 1960 what twenty or twenty seven dollars would be in 2025 inflation?
Insertion with caresses, twenty seven dollars, would be two hundred eighty-nine dollars.
So, base pay?
Two ninety, basically.
Also-
To get caressed and frared.
Now, you're a businessman.
A lot of people respect you, myself included, as a businessman. Do you think he's missing out here in any way, because he's clearly establishing flat rate for plain insertion, do you think he should charge per percentage of insertion?
Just the tip.
Tip in part, forty percent, fifty percent.
Does anyone really do just the tip?
I don't know, but-
I don't think that's a-
I mean, listen, there are people out there that dress up like SpongeBob and scream at each other during sex. I'm sure people do that.
Yeah, but they don't go just the tip. They put the whole fucking Krabby Patty in there.
You know?
Listen, if Nickelodeon didn't have bigger fish to fry, they would've come here and shut that down.
Probably, yeah.
But, I mean, potentially, as a businessman...
$289...
For just a plane in Sersch.
It's a plane.
Now!
It's not a bad starting point.
Now...
Okay.
The next line makes me think that...
That this is just flat-out missionary. Inverted positions.
What is an inverted position?
I would imagine anything other than... So...
Inverted sounds inside-out.
Doctor...
You know what I'm saying?
You're kinda not wrong.
Like a 69 is inverted?
I think inverted is just like, in this sense that Dr. Dan is defining it different. So, if I was a businessman here... Which I'm not.
I would say, "Well, Dr. Dan, you need to explain what... Your base position is." Define that, because there's certain legal things here that is not lining up.
Inverted positions, so is this, I guess, I assume this is on top of what...
Yeah, because the next line says "dog fashion."
Right, and that's $22.50 as well.
With, included, barking and yelping.
Barking and yelping. Yelping is funny.
Well...
Yikes! That's what I pictured, a yelping. With barking and yelping is $25, just doggy style, $22.50, not bad. Uh, barking and yelping being $2.50 seems fair to me.
I mean...
Put in $2.50, what would that be?
So, an extra $2.50.
$2.50, $26?
Whoa, that's way too much!
$2.50 in 19, what was this, 1960 we're doing?
We're saying 1960, yeah.
So, 1960 would be $26 now? I'm not throwing that in. I'm not barking and yelping.
For $26, barking and yelping, well, I imagine, so he's doing the barking and yelping.
W- womb stretch? $39.25?
You're jumping ahead here, Joey.
Jumping ahead?
What's a womb stretch? Is this that? You're going like this?
Bro, what's $39.25? Put that in. That's gotta be...
Okay, okay. 300 bucks?
What is it, 25?
Here we go.
$421 to get your womb stretched? Honestly?
What is a womb stretch? That sounds like it's medicinal. Maybe Dr. Jane does have some knowledge.
That sounds like a birth.
Maybe he's like a part-time obstetrician.
Is that a doctor name?
That's what the OB and OBGYN stands for, brother.
Fire. That you know that. Barking and yelping right now sounds so not worth it. When you consider, if you just level up a little bit, you can get a womb stretch.
I mean, listen, if you're into, if you already got $27 for caressing.
You might as well.
Bro, you might as well.
You might as well throw barking in there.
If you're into stretch.
Oh, that's you caressing.
That's caressing, yeah.
Oh, okay, I got you.
It's the caress and the bark.
I, I'm understa-
Can you give me your best bark?
What kind of dog?
Um, well, so he specifies barking and yelping. So I imagine barking is a larger dog.
And then yelping's like.
He's doing both. There's two dogs. Now I understand why it's $250.
You had it.
Do like a little teacup Yorkie.
Holy shit, that was incredible.
Yeah, so.
That was really good, dude.
I can see why the yelping. There's people that work right behind that wall, by the way, that are confused. Yep.
Um, okay.
The womb stretch, though. $420.
What is a womb stretch? Cause that honestly-
I think that's like, you just, you gotta, you wanna stretch it. So you're probably-
But that sounds like more, like I said, medicinal.
Maybe that's fisty.
Because that'll stretch it.
That will stretch it.
Joey, you can't.
Of course it will. Everyone knows that.
All right, we gotta move on from the womb stretch.
Wait.
$50 for tongue bath.
A tongue bath? 50 bucks?
I mean-
I'd rather be stretched in my womb.
Joey, at the time, there were not, what is a tongue bath, by the way? I imagine that's conalingus.
Well, no, because the next is muffdive.
What is the difference between, all right.
Oh, muffdive is if you have hair?
So, I mean, so then by appointment, you need to hope that this guy is a beard. Cause muffdive might not be always available.
Muff, I think is pubes.
Maybe, yeah, maybe he charges like if you are...
If you got a lot of pubes.
If you have a lot.
I need fifty extra dollars. Because a regular tongue bath is fifty bucks, a muffdive is a hundred. This guy seems misogynistic to me. Why can't women have a...
Well, we, at the time, five hundred thirty-six dollars. Hey, man. Well, at the time, men, like, women would be like, "Ah, I'm, I'm, I'm not feeling great because I've been home all week with the kids." And he's like, "You're crazy, I'm gonna get you a lobotomy." So clearly, men had no sense of being a gentleman back then.
Yeah, have a cigarette about it.
Yeah, exactly. "You're pregnant? Here, just smoke this, you'll feel great."
Hundred dollars, put that in. How much is a hundred dollars with, with a...
I mean, we could do the simple math. It's a thousand, yeah. It's fifty with seven, yeah.
Bro, a muffdive for a thousand dollars? Dr. Dan may be a little out of the price range of a normal purse.
Uh, well, I mean...
That's a lot.
Clearly, this gentleman was one of a kind. I mean, have we seen other or heard of any other...
Doctors?
Giving, by the way, also, giving out cards. This was like the card, the sesame drinks card that we knew when we were... Maybe that's what Dr. Dan evolved into. He stopped pleasuring lonely widows, and he started selling alcoholic drinks.
Yo, this is also kind of crazy right now, because there is a womb stretch on this thing. But on the front of the card, it says, "Being gentle with virgins." I don't know how gently you can stretch.
Can you do me a favor? Urban Dictionary, tongue bath. Just so we're on the same page.
What do you think it is? Like, what do you think?
I just think it's, I think it's, it's eating out, cunnilingus.
Oh, is, maybe a tongue bath is just like soaking, but tongue. You know what I'm saying? Like, just taking a bath, just chilling out.
Uh, tongue bath, the art of licking the entire body of your partner. A literal like you're a dog! So it's literally, he's
Oh, he's licking her whole body.
He's doubling down on the barking and yelping. And now he's like, "I'm just, we're a dog as it is."
Now I understand why it's 50 bucks. That's a big job. To lick a whole body.
Oh my god, and that could be a disgusting job. Have you ever licked your hand or arm? That could be gross.
I've watched you lick your hand a lot.
Yeah, my hands are a little dry right now. I haven't moisturized today.
Yeah, you lick them like a cat.
But, basically, that's what he's doing. So then, just do me a favor. Confirm what a muff-dive is on Urban Dictionary. Just so we're all on the same page. We know what we're paying for. Honestly, 50 dollars for a tongue bath? Might be low-ball in it.
I don't know.
It's, it's what it sounds like.
Performing all sex on family.
Exactly, yeah. Alright, alright, so we figured that.
Alright, so time limits? Per hour?
37.50 on top of all this?
So yeah, so if you're doing an hour of plain insertion, that's running you 57.50. Now, you're getting into, I imagine a tongue bath comes with a minimum amount of time. You know, like, union rules, it's like if you have them come in for even 20 minutes, they need a minimum of four hours of pay.
And like, they're gonna take a break in the middle of that.
Yes, they need their union-mandated breaks, depending on the amount of time, before they go into compliance. We don't want to get into HR issues here. Which clearly Dr. Dan is worried about.
OSHA-certified. Also, all night being 12 hours? Bro, whose night is 12 hours? That's bananas.
The world's night is 12 hours, brother.
Nah, night is not 12 hours.
Standard night is 12 hours.
No, it's not. We have evening.
I think, I think at the time, Joey...
There was only day and night? This is bullshit.
I mean, that sounds about right. All night, 12 hours. 150 flat rate.
Hold...
Alright, so, Joey is clearly skipping ahead here into the bottom portion of this.
We have the sides.
We have the...
We've gone to the entree!
The shareables.
So, extra attention. The first one there, for a dollar 15, you could do titty chewing.
Which, what is that?
I don't know. We know what it is.
I don't know what that-
You want me to chew on those tits?
I mean, a titty chewing sounds like there's more teeth involved than normal.
Yeah, I mean, I think that like, yeah, what is this?
Dude, you know that like, John D Rockefeller's neglected wife is just like, "I'm, give me the everything on the menu."
Chew on my tits.
Two of everything!
Yeah. Titty chewing? Chew on my tits.
For a dollar fifteen, some people, you know, there have been claims that
people get off just from titty play.
Yeah, there are. No, there's no claims. There's science, there's a small percentage of, of women who can orgasm just through titty play. Uh, I don't know that from experience, relax. I just know it because I-
He's never, he's never from any experience, experienced orgasm.
I'm a, I'm a virgin who needs gentle Dr. Damn. Uh, but titty chewing a dollar fifty, French kissing, I love that he specified mouth.
Two dollars fifty, seventy-five cents, steal. And then underneath, in, it says-
Pussy.
See muff?
And see muff dive.
See muff dive?
See muff, and the eye is upside down.
Yeah, I don't know. I think the French kissing is for the mouth this price, but if they want it somewhere else, they need to refer to muff dive.
Got it.
See, thank God you're here.
Genius, genius, and clearly-
And, yeah. Yeah, good for you, buddy.
You got any grandparents named Dan?
A French tickler.
Taking over the family business.
There's a French tickler involved, three twenty-five?
French tickler, what is that?
We're back to Urban Dictionary. We gotta, we gotta find out what that is.
French tickler, I imagine-
I imagine it's something like, yeah, but on a butt. I think it's something with a butt, a French tickling, eating a butt.
French tickler, a sexual device in the form of a condom containing a massaging accessory at the tip. It's nineteen sixty!
Wow.
This guy, what was it, the Nikola, Nikola Tesla of sex?
Used for, uh-
A massaging accessory at the tip.
Why is it specified, "used by those who play guitar and suck toes to do both incredibly"?
What is the play guitar?
I couldn't tell you.
Alright, um.
Alright.
Then we have a finger diddle, which we know what that is.
We figured out what the finger diddle is.
And then we have Vaseline if needed.
Flat rate, one twenty-five.
That makes sense.
Of course, there are some people that require that. One twenty-five, a thirteen dollar upcharge.
Bottle of Vaseline, yeah.
Well, no, I mean a bottle, dude.
Yeah, whoa.
And this was when it was made from like legit like petroleum, like you were basically getting like gasoline rubbed on your shit.
This is crazy.
Is there a number on the front?
No, I checked for that.
Okay, goddamn.
See, here's the thing too, they have this, but it's kind of mysterious because you have no way of getting in contact.
Is it, I imagine there's gotta be.
You just gotta run into the doctor again. Did they have phones in the sixties?
Yeah, dude.
What do you mean, did they have phones? Have you never seen anything from that time?
This phone's probably from the sixties.
Yeah, uh, that's more like the seventies. I know my phones.
Um. I know my phones.
I would say that's probably from the seventies. Could you imagine just being like, pick that up and call in Dr. Dan on a rotary phone?
Imagine the other one where it's like you have two, uh, two pieces and you're like, hello? Dr. Dan? Come chew on my tits.
Titty chewing's bananas.
Titty chewing's pretty.
Yeah, that's cool though, I like that.
I hope wherever Dr. Dan is, I imagine he's dead, just like the rest of everyone at that time.
Yeah, he probably is.
You don't, you don't make it out after this.
He's not living a long life.
Bro, if I, like, seriously, if I had grandparents that like loved each other, I saw this, I'm like, what the fuck? This would ruin my, cause you know how like?
This would ruin your life. You'd be so upset by this for some reason.
Well, no, if it was just like farting, my, if it was like a, like an old timey gramophone recording of my grandmother farting, I'd be pissed.
It's a giant grandma phone and he's like plays it.
Grandma.
I told you when my grandmother died, we found like saucy letters that her and my grandfather sent back and forth to each other.
Oh, like, oh, I can't wait to see your ankles.
Yeah, basically. Yeah, cuz my grandfather was in the Korean War and they like wrote messages back and forth like postcards.
And it was just like, one of them was just like, I can't wait to hold you in my bosom. And like, that was, that was.
That's basically titty chewing.
That was sexting.
That was sexting at the time.
I've never found anything of my dead grandparents, uh, anything horny, honestly.
I mean, I, you know, sex is a part of life. So like, you do have to imagine that like your grandparents were doing it crazy. You know?
My grandpa on my mom's side was dead before I was born.
That's right, yeah.
So I don't know how much sex she was having.
Yeah, I mean, there, I think there was also a, a type of woman that was just like, I've lost my life partner and I'm just gonna be celibate for the rest of my life.
She was very Irish and like traditional, like.
Irish Catholic.
Yeah, Irish Catholic, so. She was like, God's watching and now my husband's watching me. I can't even do anything.
The vents didn't get cleaned out.
Yeah, no, well, I don't think that we should say it like that.
I mean, my, my grandparents too. Although I will say one of my grandparents, actually, one of my, both of my grandfathers are kinda dogs.
In what way?
Not like, in like the D A W G way. Like, they both had affairs and left their wives.
Oh, okay.
And then went and had children with the other woman.
Right, so they were really interested in sex.
Yeah, and then like, one of them, I'm not gonna say who, I'll narrow it down to two.
We're not, I can't even follow your family tree.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be, honestly, me neither.
Because they mix. Because some of the branches go into the other branches, that's why.
You hear this shit?
Oh, you're confused?
His uncle, like.
No, no, no, no.
Married his cousin or something.
There are two cousins that are distant cousins, like third cousins that.
Distant meaning they live 10 miles from each other, go ahead.
They, they, they are now married.
That'll do something to the root of the tree.
Yeah, and they, and they have a kid who's, uh, his eyes are in his mouth.
No, no, no, I'm kidding. I don't even know if they were able to have kids.
God bless.
Um, but no, no, no.
I think that's a good place to start some ads, I think.
What? Oh, I was gonna tell you about my, uh...
Who's your uncle?
No, it's not. My, one of my grandfathers had an affair. And then, like, would, like, was with the new woman and would fly the other woman, like, his original wife
The OG.
to come spend weekends with him.
In the house?
With his new wife?
Yeah. Crazy stuff.
Baller.
Uh!
That's crazy that you're just appropriating, like, the way that, like, fucking people did that.
I mean, you told us earlier to smile on your face. I feel like I'm the only one who should get credit here.
Look at this. Look at this. Look at this smile. There's no smile.
Sorry.
Watching.
You're happy. You're happy. Any of your grandparents cheat on each other?
Probably.
Probably?
Maybe.
They were all, let me guess, they were all happy till the end?
Uh, I got a pair.
You still got a pair left?
Wait, both of them? Or, like, one and one?
No, like...
Hold on, read the ads and I'll ask you about your fucking old-ass grandparents.
One of the, what, pair's dead?
Okay. Alright, cool. Why are we laughing at that?
Yeah, crazy.
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What was that? There's a lot of construction going on.
There is a lot of bangs and none of them are from Dr. Dan.
I'm sure there's tons from Dr. Dan.
So you got a, you got a pair left?
I got a pair.
Good for you, man. Are they like, how old? Are they in their 70s or 80s?
70s.
Wow, so they're young.
What?
Mid, late 70s.
Okay. I mean, still kind of relatively, I guess not. Everyone back then, they were having kids. They were like, "You're 20 now. Time to have a child."
Crazy. You like them?
What do you call them? Something white like?
Oh, my God, do you have those names?
Pim-poom and a game goof.
It's my Italian side, so it's nono and nonna.
That's not too bad.
Yeah, I like that. Did you abuela? Abuelita, abuelito. Yeah. And then yaya and papu?
His accent is so fake.
No, that's why we say yaya.
Yaya.
I mean, yaya, you were there, yaya.
Yeah, I know yaya.
You can't not say that, but Papu.
I never met Papu.
Yeah, he was there.
Did you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we used to see him.
When, when did he croak?
Uh, the same year as my grandmother, as his ex-wife.
Damn, so.
He came to the wake and he was just like. He showed up.
He came to the wake and then died that year?
Damn, bro, old people die because of broken hearts, it's kinda sweet.
I mean, no, I don't think he had a broken heart, I think he was like, super cool.
He was super cool with it? I mean, he showed up, bro, probably broke his fucking heart.
I was, honestly, bro, if I showed you a picture of this man, you'd say, get the fuck out of here.
Why?
Because there is the Greekest looking man on the planet. The Greekest looking man, I'll show you, I'm not gonna go.
I'm picturing cigarettes.
Hell, yeah.
And gold chains.
Hmm, I don't remember gold chains.
Hairy chests.
The mustache dude? You couldn't believe it, I, I, fuck, I really wanna show you right now.
Wife beater, sitting down outside of a cafe, I'm, this is.
This guy, he was, so he, he had several restaurants, he was like a cook.
And that's, you know, guy was fucking something, but, yeah, he came to my grandmother's, and he would always, he'd scare me when we were kids, he'd pop his teeth out, he had dentures, he'd look at me and he'd go, and he'd fucking drop his teeth out of his mouth and scare the shit out of me.
He's a good guy.
Damn, that's crazy.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
Um, anyway, I wanted to, uh, talk to you about this thing, apparently there was a, um, wait, before I even get to that, which maybe, probably at this point we will never get to, but I wanted to ask you this question, um, that I thought of yesterday, and I was like, would you drink a full? Let me just pull it over here, would you drink a full sixteen ounce cup? Right, so like a.
A pint.
A draft beer.
Of a random person's piss. Right? If it meant you could be granted one wish, can't be money, and you can't throw out. Can't throw up, or else it doesn't count.
Yeah, you think you can do that? I start gagging right now and you'll throw up.
I'll be alright.
If you th- it-
Get the fuck out of here.
16 ounce glass of a random person's piss. You have to get the whole thing down. You can't throw up.
Is there a time limit?
On what?
How long it takes me to drink this piss.
No, but why would you want to stretch it out?
I mean, if I only take a little bit and I stretch it out to, you know, like 2-3 days.
Oh, no way. I think you just chug it as fast as possible.
Chug piss?
Yeah. If anything, you get one wish and it can't be money.
So then what could the wish be?
There's other things in the world besides money, you pig.
Crazy with the pig.
What do you-
What would you wish for?
Am I- can we- I have some- I have some questions.
Go.
Is the piss diseased?
So, that's the thing. It's a random person's piss. If it is diseased-
Is it diseased piss?
If it's diseased-
Is it dirty piss?
Here's the thing. If it's- it's yellow. It ain't some clear, you know, guy-
Okay, so I can't even- I can't- I'll know it's piss. Like, it's not like-
It's piss.
There's no doubt about it.
It is so piss.
Is pee carbonated?
Shouldn't be.
I've seen some bubbles in my pee.
Damn it.
He's going to the computer. Um, pee is not carbonated. Are we okay, guys? Do we even know what that means?
It's in there.
It can't be.
Cause urine carbonated, it always seems so bubbly.
I think it's just like if you- if you smash water together-
Well, that's Quora. We don't know how accurate Quora is. Let's go to that one. Northwestern Medicine.
This is foamy urine. Oh my god, if we're gonna find out-
We're gonna find out I'm sick. Let's not click it. Let's not click it. Let's not.
Frank's gonna find out he has-
Oh, no, no, no!
An STD. What causes foamy urine? Your kidneys.
No, I think it just creates bubbles when it goes into the water.
I also think that too.
Yeah, yeah, alright. I mean, that piss in the bottles and there are bubbles in there.
The foamy sea. From sea to shining s- oh, they don't say foamy in that song, but you know-
From foamy sea to shining sea.
Um-
So i- is it a diseased piss?
So, you don't know, but if it is a diseased piss, I don't even know if, I mean, I'm sure you can get sick from drinking piss, probably. But like, if you drink the piss, it's not like you're impervious to the sickness. The only thing is, you won't like have some long lasting thing that happens to you.
So if it's diseased, it might be something that's easily curable, whether it be that day or a couple of weeks.
Right, but you'll feel the effects of the piss.
Well, yeah, I mean, it's piss. Rarely poses a health risk.
Okay, so there you go.
Um, I mean, of course, there's, you know, STDs and stuff in there that I would not want.
Can you get STDs from g- from drinking piss?
I believe so.
I think this is all encompassing. I don't think you can.
I, bro, it's like bodily fluids.
Pathogens contained in urine rarely poses a health risk.
Yeah, but bodily fluids? These bodily fluids do not spread HP- HBV, saliva, tears, sweat, or pee.
No, you're good.
Interesting. Okay.
There you go.
Um, hmm.
What'd you do it?
Ant has a question. Ant.
Can I chill it?
Great question. Can I mix it with anything, or it's gotta be straight pee?
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You could chill it, but you can't put ice cubes in it.
Well, then how are you chilling it? Are you just letting it sit in the fridge for?
Yes. Answer your own question very easily.
Pour it over, a couple dash of bitters. Can I make it into something else?
You have to taste the piss full on.
I mean, I'll taste the piss.
Yeah, no, you're gonna have to full piss it.
Because if I put it in a, like, an alcoholic drink, like a pina colada.
Mmm, that would be a good pee pee, yeah, colada.
It would be the easiest piss I ever drank.
Uh, no, but it has to be.
You've drank more piss?
You can put, what?
No, no, no, but it would be the easiest one I ever drank.
But if you put it in the freezer, you would just have to let it sit there, and you could like chill it in that way, but you can't put ice cubes in it, so straight piss.
I'll do it then.
But what would you wish for?
Teleportation.
Why did you do this? Like it didn't matter what the wish for. That's the whole reason.
What am I gonna... So for the... You can't see him, obviously, but Joey goes, "What are you gonna wish for?" He goes, "Teleportation." Like, obviously idiot. Like, what else would I wish for?
I didn't know that it was obvious. I thought it was just like, "Whatever, teleportation." Like, I'm not even gonna think about it.
I would wish... You know what I would wish for? I would do it, yes. Because, whatever, brother. Piss. Me and piss are like this at this point.
It is a random piss.
It's not your piss.
I mean, if there's nothing about the piss that's gonna be like... It's gonna... And you also said, "Don't throw up." I'm taking the chance. There's a good shot I'm gonna throw up.
And you would spread it out over a course of days?
Just two days. A little sip of piss. You know?
I feel like that would just make the whole experience much worse. Like, I'm continuously going back to the piss.
Alright, so maybe I'll try to chug it. I don't know. In this hypothetical, I'm sorry, I haven't figured out.
Can't hold your nose either. Can't hold your nose.
That doesn't work for me. People that do that where they're like... And they take a shot, still taste it.
You do that shit.
No, I...
Yeah, you do.
Do you?
I don't think so.
I thought he does.
I'm just gonna... I'm backing you up here.
Thanks.
Yeah, I mean, I'm taking the chance. And then I'm wishing for, like, Tony Stark level intellect. I'm talking like, this... The brains to be able to do anything and figure out anything.
I wanna make it clear, so, not world peace. Not wishing for world peace.
I can make... I can... Hold on, hold on. I can...
Teleportation?
Yeah, what do you mean? So, you're not taking world peace? Mister, I can fucking snap of a finger. You're gonna... You'd be jumper. That's what you wanna be? The 2006 movie jumper?
He just wants to be able to get back and forth from Epcot.
He's like, "I could get to Disney like this."
Yeah. Um, I'm saying, yeah, because I... With that intellect, I could solve world peace, you know? Tony Stark wasn't able to, but I could.
I don't think no one's smart enough to come up with world peace. I just don't think the rest of the world is willing.
That's true. That is true. But I would be willing... I'd be smart enough that I'd be able to make them willing, you know? With my Iron Man armor.
Is your wish that you'd be Iron Man?
No, no, but just like Bruce Wayne level intellect. Because with that intellect-
He picked two billionaires, by the way.
Well, Bruce Wayne is not just a, by the way, he's known to having a genius level intellect. It's not like I'm picking like Elon Musk, who very well could be a dummy, you know?
No, I'm saying you did pick two billionaires, though.
Okay, but, alright, Charles Xavier intellect.
Isn't that just mind reading?
Well, no, he's also very smart.
Before that, he did-
He's a professor.
He's a professor. Uh, uh, there's, there's so many, sorry that all the smart people I can reali- Stephen Hawking. You know?
Very smart.
You know, uh, uh, uh, but I'm just saying-
Yeah, yeah, you, but you said like you would want to be as smart as you may possibly-
The smartest to ever exist, that like, there's nothing out of my intellectual reach.
Okay. Drinking piss to get there.
Yeah, whatever. I mean, listen, man.
That's life. You can't make an omelet without cracking a couple of eggs. Can't be smart without drinking a couple of cups of piss.
Yeah. Can you, but, okay, same thing.
Wait, what are you wishing for?
Uh, what did I say? I said that I would wish for, that I would never get sick.
Perpetually perpetual calendar.
No, I would get, I would never get sick.
That would be, that would be a good one. But I would be smart enough to figure out that I'd never, like, I can never get sick.
I don't think that you-
The brain, I can cure the common cold.
You, what do you think, you just, because you're smart, bacteria dies?
Well, no, if my brain knows no bounds, then I would be able to solve all of the world's problems. Hunger, uh, uh, war.
I mean, you don't have to be a genius to-
Sickness.
Frank, you don't have to be a genius. You, like I said, you can figure out how to do world peace, but people have to be willing.
Yeah, but I would be, but that's the other part of it, is that you need to be smart enough to understand how they're gonna be willing, so I'd be smart enough to do it all.
This kid is such a fucking-
I'm so smart that I can convince people and manipulate the world, and I run the world, I'm god.
Now, you used the M-word. I never said manipulate. I just said that I'd be smart enough to figure it out.
Yep. What would you wish for? Oh, you said never get sick again.
I could never get sick. Like, I just know that, like, I'll just always be healthy no matter what.
But does that mean that you'll live forever?
Because technically, dying of natural causes is as a result of sickness.
Yeah, so like, I also thought about that too. I mean, obviously, I'm still like, I could get hit by a bus. Like, that could happen.
Damn, that sucks.
It does suck, but that could, that's a real.
So why not wish, so why not wish, "You can get hit by a bus too, genius!"
No, because I would be smart enough to not get hit.
To get out of the way!
I'd be smart enough to not, I'd understand the probability of a bus hitting me that day and I would remove myself from that opportunity. Yo, you doing this as the smartest person in the world, I would kill you with a gun.
But I would know that you'd be pissed and I would see the gun killing coming.
Would you see all the thirty hitmen I hired? The assassins!
I knew that I would, you know, like, Ozymandias, another, again, a billionaire, you don't know who that is.
I don't know. Who's Ozymandias?
From The Watchmen?
Uh, okay, but now, same thing, and it can be money.
Human shit.
Log of poop.
Uh, one log?
Yeah, but like, the master log.
I didn't know you had different rankings for craps.
You know, but you know what I mean.
Just, alright, so a good, like, just, I mean, that's too big.
Yeah!
But just a log of solid shit this large.
And it's a random person, bro.
And I can't do anything to this log of shit.
You could use a fork and knife.
Can I throw up? Cause that is gonna make me throw up. That's gonna make me throw up, dude.
Yes, you can throw up.
Yeah, so then I'm taking the shot, baby.
You're taking the shot?
And you're definitely getting sick, I mean, you're eating bullshit.
Well, actually, no, I'm not. And I'll tell you why. Because with the cup of piss, I have the genius intellect to figure out how to become the smartest man, richest man alive.
No, this is the, this is the, what does it have to do with eating the shit?
I won't have to eat the shit and wish for money because I already have the intellect to figure out how to be the richest person on the planet.
And that doesn't even mean that I would use my intellect for that. Maybe?
He's like, "If I'm smart, then I can invent." And now I'm back to the billionaire.
Uh, uh. I'm, yeah, I'm, I mean-
But like, obviously different worlds. You're, are you, would you eat the shit?
Oh, yeah. You know how much money I would pay to watch you even sit in front of a plate of human shit?
Me?
Why him?
You would gag, maybe uncontrollably. You may suffocate from gagging.
What is this? Can I chill it?
Honestly, I feel like it'd be better hot.
Hot and ready, like Little Caesar's? No, I don't know that.
Oh, my god, I'm gonna fucking throw up.
Can I chill it is such a funny question.
Why, you want it to be like sausage?
You're making my eyes water, but you're not gonna get me.
I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get him once.
You want it to be like sausage? I can see it happening. Slowly, I can see his face, he's gonna gag.
What is that, bro? How come you are so like-
This is the easiest thing in the world!
It's crazy. Why would you want it chilled?
I feel like it'd be nicer.
I feel like it'd be nicer!
But like, you wanna be able to cut it like a sausage?
Chopsticks?
I gotta eat, ugh!
Oh, like a sush?
It's kinda.
Shushus?
What about-
Oh, no, I got hiccups now.
You deserve that a little bit.
That's kinda disgusting, for some reason. Do you have hiccups during this conversation?
Go, keep going, keep going, what were you gonna ask next?
What are you doing? Oh, is this, oh, is this how you're gonna get rid of him? Oh, you do the keep- You've done that a lot on a show. On the show.
Oh, god. Did it, did it work?
Yeah. I mean...
Yeah, yeah, so far.
Yeah, so... Yeah, well, I'm, I'm-
If it means, if it means a comfortable life
for everyone I know, I will gladly eat a log of human shit.
Six ounces of semen.
Six ounces?
Fluid ounces?
Well, I think there's a difference between fluid ounces and like just weight.
Can I pick the person?
No. Two shots.
Two sho- two sho- two shot glasses, I meant.
Two shot glasses.
Can I pick the person? How would you even go about picking that?
Honestly, I think that's where I draw the line.
Seamen.
Two shot glasses of blood.
I'll ask for a third.
What's it? Ew, dude.
Two bloods is crazy.
Nah, blooded, tha- that's...
Really? I'm disgusted by it.
Like, like, arm, like, blood?
If it's, if it's my own blood, I don't care.
It's not your blood, that's the point. It's a random person's blood. The idea of drinking a random person's blood is so disgusting.
Let's be very clear, all this was gross and probably got us demonetized a while ago.
Props.
Uh, but...
Good morning to whoever's watching the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, on their drive to work. We're like, ah, it's gonna be a beautiful day.
It's gonna give you something to think about for the rest of the day, though, because you are gonna probably ask your friends.
Hmm.
Like, "Yo, you drinking this piss?"
That's a good question. Yeah, I'm gonna ask, I'm gonna go home-
Yo, the piss thing is probably like, anyone who says no is a fucking idiot and you should kick them out of your lives. Like, you should, you should be able to easily drink a glass of piss.
Piss, piss means nothing to me.
Bear Grylls was pissing, is, is, is drinking his own piss!
Now, Bear Grylls is different, though.
I know.
He's a, he's a weirdo. I think he, I think there's some stuff about Bear Grylls that is not very nice, like, he told someone-
How about the fact that his name is Bear Grylls?
Awesome. Definitely can't be his real name, though.
Definitely. Gimme, give us, give us that, give us that, baby.
Oh, my god, if he has like a whack name?
Yeah, if it's like Roger Stevenson, I'm gonna be so pissed.
Bear Grylls' real name.
Edward Michael Gr-
His name is Edward Michael?
Is anything in this world real? No, it's not. And honestly, he deserves to drink his own piss.
He was given the nickname at a week old.
His sister gave him the nickname Bear when he was a week old.
So it's not his own, alright, you know what, but he also perpetuates it. Cause you know he goes around, he's like, "My name's Bear." You know he does it. So...
Damn. What's his wife's name?
Shauna, it looks like. Shara?
What does it say?
Where? Oh, here? Sh- Shara Grills?
Shara? Oh, Shara Grills.
Shara Grills.
Or is that a weird Sarah?
It could be, cause there's a lot of like Irish names that are like, it's spelled and it's like, the name is like Siobhan.
It's like-
But it's spelled like Shabogan or something.
C-O-B-Han.
Yeah, like, what are we doing here?
Yeah. Well, we don't want to offend anyone that speaks Gaelic, so...
Or anyone that watches this name Siobhan.
Or anyone that's watching this name Saoirse.
What's that?
That's another, like, Gaelic, uh, Irish name. Like, the actress, Saoirse Ronan.
It's spelled like S-A-O-I-R-S-E.
Soiree.
There's a lot of those.
There is a lot of those, like-
There are.
Really difficult to pronounce Gaelic names.
I used to tell people I was Gaelic, cause I just thought Gaelic meant Irish. I didn't know.
Oh, there's no way you were getting, like, when I heard Gaelic in like 2004, I was just like, huh?
A Gaelic?
Yeah, oh, okay.
Ew!
You speak what?
You're gonna Gaelic your boys? Um, anyway-
That's an interesting question.
I think that's where we can end. Right there. You know what I mean?
With Gaelic.
Gotcha. Okay. I mean, alright.
Where can I find you, Frank?
Um... Drinking a cup of piss to become the smartest man in the world.
I wish.
FAlveras8085 on Twitter, TheFrankAlveras on all of the forums and social media. Go check it out, Patreon, patreon.com/thethebasementyard. If you're coming to any of the shows in Europe, thebasementyard.com/submit. Go follow The Basement Yard on everything, go follow Joe on everything, go follow Ant on nothing, and then, yeah.
You saw that coming, you did, you saw it.
Yeah, I did.
You saw it.
Would we calm down?
Yeah. Yeah. Go, go, go.
Anyway, guys, you-
I love how he goes like this. He goes like, like, prepare.
Yeah, anyway, guys, we-
That one's good. That was a good one.
That was a good one. One more time.
Yeah, his eyes are going, "All right, guys, seriously, this time, we're not gonna-"
Ew, don't actually do the thing.
Did you hear the rumble? You rumbled!
This is now just the stupidest show ever. You've taken it to a new level of dumb. Yeah, well, hey, baby. Guys, that is all for this week's episode. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time.
Turn off the lights when you leave the basement. Better?
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