The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Welcome back to the ba-
Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank?
Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh. You know how I'm triggered by pointing, so cut it the fuck out.
This is the new studio, so you're looking at it now. It's very lovely. Frank, nice little Power Ranger you got there?
So for people that watched the Patreon episode, they know that it was up for debate what I was gonna be allowed to put up here because you-
Yep. You brought a lot of toys.
I did. Mostly toys.
Yeah.
But some stuff made it, so I think it's well representative of me and well representative of-
Hot sauce!
Yeah, today, you guys can go get this Bloody Mary hot sauce, okay? This is the second version of the hot sauce that me and Greg did. The first one was the Everything Bagel hot sauce, but this is a Bloody Mary hot sauce.
And again, you guys, fucking, listen, I'm not being a shill because you pay the bills. It is really good, and it does go on everything that I have consumed. I have not had it in a drink.
Right.
Because I don't know why you'd put that there, but-
But we're gonna put it in a Bloody Mary because we got Bloody Marys!
Bloody Marys!
We're doing a brunch episode for the inaugural-
Inauguration. Joey's really pumped. He's celebrating. He's been celebrating the whole time.
How do I say that word?
Inaugural.
Inaugural. Inaugural?
Inaugural. But technically, if we want to be-
I thought it was gural. Inaugural.
Inaugural?
I don't know. Look at these bloodies, baby.
Look at that.
I mean, you have the chicken tenders on yours. I obviously went with a really well-cooked hot dog.
With a, with a, what's going on with the bun is my question?
The bun? So Greg, thank you for setting this up, Greg. I appreciate it, but he, when he heated up.
When he, when he.
When he went to heat up the hot dog, he also went and put the bun in.
The microwave.
So it came out like Play-Doh. But it looks good. It is wet. I'm excited, though.
Can I get some of the?
Ooh, and we have chicken.
It's a proper brunch episode, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, the boys like to do brunch one way, and that's.
Oh, my god, this chicken looks amazing.
Out of control. And the hot sauce, too.
The hottie sauce.
This guy, he knows what he's doing.
He does know what he's doing.
He knows what he's doing.
He's doing stuff.
Although.
Thank you so much. One syrup? What am I? What are we doing? Rationing?
What are we?
It's tough out there, Joey.
I don't know.
The trees, the trees.
You know what I've always wanted to eat?
Rations.
We, should we do a ration episode?
A ration episode? You know how they have like canned something?
From like canned peaches from the 50s or something?
Yeah, like I'd like to get my hands on some war food. You know what I mean?
You gotta be careful, man. Some of that stuff, I mean, I think canned, like, old-timey, like, survival food is different than like rations. Like, rations, you'll get like, it'll be like buffalo chicken, but it's like pressed into a cake.
That's what I mean. That's what I want to try.
You want to do that? I think we can get rations. What are they called? MREs? Is that what they're called?
Are you asking me?
I, I, you seem to know a lot. And also, in your spare time, you and your boys eat a lot of shit. So I imagine you would know what a ration is.
Yeah, I don't, I don't know. Frank, cheers?
This smells dishishish.
We're not gonna make it, dude. We're not long enough.
Come on!
Come on, cheers, brother.
Cheers.
And this has the hot sauce in it, right?
Cheers, big ears. Yes, the hot sauce is in here. We made it with the Bloody Mary hot sauce.
All right, here we go.
That's not bad, dude.
That's good.
That's good. Right amount of spice with the hot sauce.
Yo, that's actually good.
Right amount of spice with the hot sauce?
It's actually good. It's actually good. Also, I'm gonna say this, I made it.
Like, I made the drink. It's not bad. So, maybe all the ones that I've had in my life that I have hated is that you're already on the hot dog.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah. How many... Frankie, you are the most disgusting piece of bastard I've ever seen in my life.
You're dipping a hot dog in the Bloody Mary?
I mean, we're in Rome.
We're not in Rome. We aren't anywhere close to Rome.
We're closer to Rome.
I'm gonna put my syrup on it.
In some other places.
That's correct.
This is good. You got me one of those... Actually, I don't need it.
I'm just hearing Frankie chew in my ears.
Is it bad? Is it miserable? There are people on the internet that love this shit.
People that have, like, big fat crab legs and they're like...
Yeah, dude. I have a theory, not a theory, but like...
You've thought enough to establish a theory for mukbang?
No, so like, when it comes to food mukbangs, there's like, very specific ones that each race does. Frank, what the fuck are you doing?
These are brand-new desks. Frank has already gotten salt, pepper, and a tube of hot dog all over it.
I've already wanted...
Are you performing surgery over there, sir? Oh my god, this is disgusting.
I've always wanted to try this. Ever since I saw that Asian guy doing it at a baseball game.
He's using the hot dog as a straw, aren't you?
Oh, I broke it. I need to play like a flute.
He's sucking the hell out of that. Did it work?
Yeah!
It's good?
It's pretty good! No, man? Alright, I'm sorry.
It looks gross.
And there are a lot of people that are watching this that are like, "I'm tuning out already."
It's alright, but we're here, we're live, we're large. The boys, when we do brunch, we have one speed, and that's, let's do this.
Let's...
And that's, let's do this.
It's great time!
I haven't been to a lun- to- I haven't been to brunch in a very long time.
Oh, fell in again.
What time do you think brunch is?
Well-
Gimme a range. When's it start?
I say ten to two.
Yeah, because like-
How hard is that Bloody Mary? At ten o'clock in the morning, you think I'm going to brunch?
I- I don't know if you- what's the earliest you've drank? I think we've done this together. We've drank it like eight AM.
Yeah, when we were like, fucking seventeen.
It was sick, right?
Wrong, twenty-one.
Yeah, oh, oh.
Um, yeah, I don't see anything wrong with it. But like, a morning drink, maybe it was the potential of alcoholism at the time?
Think so.
It's way harder than an afternoon drink.
My Irish roots were really coming through.
Yeah, they were, they were present and available.
I'm just, I think ten to two is the perfect brunch time.
I was thinking like, noon to three.
Noon is lunch. By definition, noon is lunch.
By definition?
Definition of lunch.
But what's a brunch? It's breakfast lunch.
It's in between breakfast and lunch.
And, lunch doesn't end at noon.
I say breakfast, here we go. Breakfast, for, anywhere from seven, it could even be earlier, because people, you know, let's say, five to ten is breakfast.
Bro, no way. If you wake up at five and eat, you're disgusting. That's insane.
Oh, people do that, because they have to-
That's bananas.
I mean, people work early, so they have to.
But like, delay it. Have coffee, and then eat like an hour later.
Some people, some people are on different rhythms than you.
I understand that, but I-
Clearly not! Clearly not!
Yeah, I-
Too loud?
I didn't realize you had headphones on. You're in for a world of hurt over there, sexy fuck.
That Bloody Mary is beating the shit out of you.
Oh god, it is!
You got one sip in them, and it's already going crazy.
I'll be honest, this hot dog is doing a lot of work.
Yeah, you like it?
I've been on a health kick lately.
Frank, you're drinking a Bloody Mary and sucking it through a hot dog. The health kick is over. The health kick is completely over.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's gone.
I got hot dogs at the house, too, so those are on fucking call right now. I'm telling you that.
When you eat a hot dog, is it kind of like a waterfall? You're like, well, I need three.
Like, we have hot dogs. We only have four hot dogs at the house right now, and I act-
Why do you know the inventory? How many hot dogs are available? Like, why do you know that?
I just know. You know how many hot dogs on hand you have.
No, you don't.
Yes, you do!
Well, I don't.
How many hot dogs do you have on hand?
Zero.
Exactly. You know how many on hand.
But if I had a-
That's the point!
If I had a package, I wouldn't know how many were in there.
Yes, you would.
No, I wouldn't.
Joey, if you bought a package of eight hot dogs, because that's a standard package, small package.
See, I didn't know that.
Yeah, you did. You knew that, yeah.
Standard package, small package.
You see that, right? If you bought a package of eight and you had three, you'd be like, oh, so I probably have five left. You know. Don't sit here and be high and mighty because you ran a fucking marathon, and now you eat quinoa and you fucking, you like ancient grains and shit like that. You're a, you're a boy that loves hot dogs. You're a hot dog king. Don't ever let the world, don't ever let the world change who you are in your heart. Who you are in your heart dictates everything about you, your morals, your standards, the love that you show other people, and all of us, all of us,
are originally hot dog kings, or queens, or non-binary places of royal, I don't know, I don't know what the, you know, the, you know what I'm saying?
Can you hear, like, the amount of bullshit that comes out? Like, do you, what do you, what does it register as? Like, you're, you're making sense, or do you know it's bullshit?
Oftentimes, I start a, a sentence, and I want to see how long I can go until I just trip up.
That actually makes a lot of sense. There's a lot of that going around.
Anyway, I want to talk about yesterday. Had one of the worst days of my life.
Uh-oh. Like, a funny worst day, or?
Yeah, yeah, that was a little dramatic.
I was gonna say, goddamn.
But you know me, Pisces, dramatic, or sensitive? I don't know, either way.
Do me a favor.
I did want to cry.
Get the fuck out after that. Pisces dramatic.
Apparently does it. Yo, this is not bad.
Yeah, it's kinda slapping my-
The fucking Bloody Mary's not bad!
I hate the-
I'm gonna tell you it's because of this, which it probably is. Sauce is amazing. Go get it. heatonist.com by the way.
Secret Head's Egg Food Co., two for two. Just wanna throw that out there.
Bangers. Uh, but yeah, yesterday, uh, my dog woke me up at 6 a.m. and he never wakes me up, so when he woke me up, I was like, great, now he's got Diet Doodle Cha Cha Cha, which it was true.
Oh, the fun little name that your family gave diarrhea.
My, my mother, yes.
Um-
By the way, this is the family that swears that none of them have IBS. Go ahead. Ooh. Gotta say, metal straws.
Yeah? Because this one almost just broke my front tooth just now.
Your what?
My front tooth.
Oh, I thought you said fuck tooth.
My fuck tooth?
This is the episode, baby.
Yeah, alright.
Welcome! To the new studio.
That echoed. Um, but he woke me up, so he's got Diet Doodle Cha Cha Cha, so I take him out, sure enough, he's making espresso out there in the morning, right?
God damn it, Joey. There's 90 other ways that you could say that.
Yeah. So then we get back upstairs, and I'm like, alright, I'm gonna take him to the office with me. So me and Greg came here and we had a lot of stuff to do. The dog is driving me crazy. As soon as we get here, he, he needs to go out. So I take him out immediately. More espresso, right?
Please.
Sing the song.
(singing)
(singing) (singing)
Exactly. So then we come back in here, and he's being restless, he's going up to Greg, he's getting in my face and breathing and whatnot, and I'm like, oh my god, just relax for a second. I go to the bathroom. As soon as I go to the bathroom, he throws up on the carpet.
Nice.
So there's that.
Oh, he christened it.
He christened it.
You know how people like in new, like when their friend gets a new car or something, they throw like, spare change on the floor or something like that? That's what he, that's the, the dog's way of christening this new place.
The Greeks do that shit, right?
The Greeks love that.
They tie dollars bills.
They tie dollars all over the place.
Like, what is this?
There's, there's, they're, they're, they're sometimes stupid.
Say it.
I'm Greek, I can say it, baby. And this is, this, this, this espresso, vegetable espresso is killing me.
I don't know what that meant, but god bless him.
I can't have alcohol.
I know, clearly.
But anyway, we get in here and he's freaking out, so he throws up on the carpet. I'm like, oh my god, here we go. So, I put him on the couch and I'm just like, you know, trying to make him relax a little bit. This dude throws up like a fat man, like a lot. Like, throws up like, boof. And I'm like, bro.
When he throws up, do you hear him heaving, or is it just like a "pshk"?
No, you hear...
Yeah. Yeah, he does that.
Alright, I'm about to eat.
Yeah. Well, the story doesn't get better.
Oh.
Um, as far as eating goes. I don't know if it gets better in any other way.
I was gonna say, how would it get better at all?
So he, so he throws up like that, and I'm like, fuck, now I gotta take him... You mind shutting the fuck up? Are you forgetting that we're on a podcast?
What the fuck is this, kid? Frank, you're not actually at brunch.
Yo, here you go. Shut up, Joey.
Me shut up? Frank, you know what? Let's all wait until Frank's done cutting his fucking breakfast. How about that?
I showed up hungry.
Are you done?
Pretty good.
Yeah. So, then, I'm like, I gotta take him to the vet. Frank, you shut the fuck up right now.
I hate this kid. I absolutely hate you.
Go ahead with your story about your dog.
Oh, you know what? Forget the story. Let's just listen to you fucking eat. Let's just, let's just do that.
I'm sure you'll have a wonderful story later about something super cool. Or we'll start rattling off names of directors no one's ever heard of. Let's do that.
Luca Guadagnino.
Okay.
You want me to keep going?
No!
Okay!
I'd like you to stop.
Drew Goddard.
No.
Matt Reeves.
I meant stop eating and drinking. That's what I meant.
Alright, alright, hold on, one more, one more.
Onward.
Wow, you're really, you're cheat.
What? I was gonna say your cheeks touched in there.
You saw that, right?
Alright, go ahead.
So anyway, I go to the vet. I go to the vet. Can't find parking, I'm like, what the fuck, so I put it in a hydrant, and I get into, don't you dare eat that piece of chicken, Frank. Don't eat the fucking piece of chicken, alright?
This is like having children. You're pointing at no one, there's no one over there!
Alright, shut up, guys.
I'm not gonna tell the story if you're gonna keep doing this. I know that you're having fun, but I'm gonna come over there and put you in a chokehold.
Okay, alright, alright. I'm serious now, I feel bad about your dog that might be dying.
He's, yeah, I don't know.
Oh shit, seriously?
No. I don't know.
That's scary.
Yeah? Will that get you to shut up?
Then he is dead, how bad?
I mean, listen, if we're, if this was a serious health concern for your dog, then I would've stopped playing around.
Oh, you're playing?
You're a piece of shit, dude.
Alright, no, seriously.
One more outburst.
And I'm tearing the walls of this fucking studio down. I will throw all the money away.
I don't think you'd do that, this was, this was not cheap.
I will throw the money away.
Alright, go ahead, seriously.
So anyway. I get to the vet finally. And I put it, my, my car in a hydrant, I take my dog out, I walk in. And they like take him in the back, and I tell them like, what's been going on and whatever, and uh, then I come back out to the waiting room, because they're like, we'll take him in the back, we'll give him like meds or whatever. So I'm sitting in the waiting room, and like two minutes go by, and then this girl comes out from the back with a laptop. Well, before I got there, they're like, here's what your bill's gonna be. Do you wanna do the x-ray? If you wanna do the x-ray, it's this. It was seventeen hundred dollars, I was like-
With the x-ray?
With an x-ray, I was like, you know what? I'll just-
I'll look-
Look at him really hard, and then I'll figure it out, so I was like, I'm not doing the x-ray.
You, the person with zero medical experience, for humans, let alone animals.
Correct.
Yeah, okay.
Uh... But then, the bill was eight hundred bucks, I was like, what?
I mean, you don't have like pet insurance?
I do. But it's still eight hundred bucks.
With pet insurance, it was eight hundred bucks?
No, I think you have to like-
Oh, it's like rebate?
Yeah, that type of thing. I was gonna say mail-in rebate, but that's completely wrong.
I mean, that might be, technically.
You mail in the check and then they rebate you.
Yeah. They'll bait ya.
They'll bait ya.
Master rebateers.
Sorry, that's, that was the-
If you're gonna produce this show, you can't cough.
That was my bad.
He's eating, he's coughing.
Come on, this is serious.
Yeah, be serious. The dog is fucking sick. So I go out to the front, the girl comes up with a laptop. Now, I get super scared.
Because she sits down and she goes, "Okay, so you're Charlie's dad?" I was like, "Yep." And then she's like, "Okay, we just wanted to let you know..." And I was like, "Bro, what the fuck is going on right now?"
That's fu- that, that-
So scared.
Thirty seconds must have felt like four minutes.
I was like, "He hasn't even been back there long, so I can't imagine there's anything too crazy going on." But she's like, "I just wanted to let you know that we're very big Basement Yard fans." And I was like, "This fucking-
God damn it!
-just scared the shit out of me."
Oh, see, they should've ran with it. They should've ran with it. If I, if I was her, your dog, I'm telling you, your dog has something crazy. I'm just like, "Pranked, you've been franked."
I'm a big Basement Yard fan.
That's why you're not a doctor.
Can you imagine this kid has a doctor? It's like, "Yo, your son died." It's like, "What?"
Nah, I'm fucking with-
He has a fever.
Did you ever-
You look like an idiot!
Did you ever see, uh, oh, you've never seen Arrested Development? And have you seen Arrested Development?
I have not.
The doctor that they consistently run into that just like uses double entendres and they're all like, "We don't know what the fuck this guy's trying to say." And they're like, "Well, I have some bad news. He's gonna be alright." And I'm like, "How's that bad news?" He's like, "Because the left side of his body is all paralyzed. He's gonna be alright."
So, she tells me she's a big, they're big Basement Yard fans, and they're gonna give me $500 off. I was like, "What?"
You better-
Insane.
The name of this place, you better promote this shit like it's crack.
It was a Mollown City Bond Vet. Shout out to them.
Good for you.
So then I'm like, "Okay, cool. Some sort of thing that worked out today." Take, take Charlie home. This is where it gets interesting. Get him in the car. They give me all the pills and shit. We, I drive there, and then as soon as I get out of my car, he walks over to the first, uh-
Tree that he sees lifts his leg like he's gonna pee and starts firing out yellow diarrhea.
God damn it Joey.
Right? No pee!
Can I ask you a serious question?
I'm not done.
As the stream gets less and less, now he's just shitting on his own leg. The one that's in, in the ground.
Ew!
So he's shitting on his leg and I'm like, "Bro, this is so fucking disgusting," right?
Yes. You picked the episode where there's food in front of us, enticing food, may I add, that I'm not allowed to eat, apparently, according to you. Uh, and to tell this story?
Okay, go ahead.
So, I take him into the house real quick.
He's grabbing the chicken. I'll be honest, I'm, I'm trying to find the right time-
You can eat it, just don't eat it here!
Fucking guy.
Alright.
So, uh, no, no, no! No fork and knife-
Um, look, I'm-
Clanging and banging!
Look, I'm, I'm not clanging or banging, I'm doing this. There's no banging of clangs. I'm just, I'm like, removing the meat, by the way, this is good-looking chicken. Where'd we get this from?
Sweet Chick.
Oh, never had it, isn't that the place that Nas partially owns?
That's cool. Nas, come on the show?
That would be extremely strange, if Nas came on this show.
That would be cool, though.
We'll all wait, we'll wait for you.
No, no, no, onward, I'm not clanging or banging!
So, uh, he's got shit all over his leg, so we go into the, the elevator, and there's a, a woman who, a woman gets in the elevator, I'm like, "This is my worst nightmare now." Because the woman, what, what'd you do, are you throwing up, what's going on?
I'm try, I'm trying not to have the sound of my chewing in the mic.
Great. Uh, so we get into the elevator, and the woman who gets in, she's like, "Oh, he's so cute." And I'm like, "If this woman only knew." Right, 'cause he's faced, like, turned around.
Oh, he smells like shit in the elevator.
Bro, the most dog shit you've ever smelled in your life. So, yo, she literally keeps checking her shoes.
She thinks it's you!
No, she thinks she stepped in dog shit. She keeps checking her shoes.
Oh my god.
She's getting off on like, the 16th floor, and I'm like, "Get this woman out of here." So, she's like, checking her shoes, like, twice, she checked them, and I was like, "Nope, not, not the dog shoes." Not the dog shoes.
Not-
Not, not dog shit, it's my dog's leg.
It's your dog's leg.
Yeah, so then I have to get, put him in the tub. I put him in the tub.
This is fucking disgusting.
I put on gloves.
This is so gross.
I, I hope that you're not going in and, did you at least take your clothes off?
I took my shirt off.
So you're shirtless, with gloves, washing your dog. There is a whole sect of the internet that is just fucking horny right now.
Which one? Wha- what porno is that?
I, I don't know, you tell me, King Porno!
I'm not King Porno!
You're King Porno, this-
You just got horny, you're like, "Oh, shirt off, washing your dog."
You think I got horny for you, bitch?
There's poop in the tub!
You think I got horny for you, bitch? You wish, bitch.
Frank, there is multiple edits on, on the internet of you getting horny to me.
No, I'm not horny for you, I've never been horny for you.
Oh!
Never. You know why?
Bullshit!
You know why? I'm straight, bitch.
You didn't say that very convincingly.
You wanna know why? Because I'm straight, bitch.
Oh, dude, I'm telling you, if, if you were to post a picture with your, with yellow, you were using Dexter's mom's glove, right?
Uh, no, they were white.
Ooh.
They weren't long, they were just hands.
Oh, so it was just like doctor-
I look like a magician!
Like doctor, oh wait, wait, you have cloth gloves?
No, no, no, no.
They were latex.
No, they were latex.
Or like nitrite or whatever it's called?
Nitrite.
Is that what it's called? Nitrial? Nitrite?
Napalm. No, no, I don't know. They were just white gloves. They were like, they were like latex.
Alright, okay.
And I was like washing them.
So, some of it got in his tail, right? And the reason why I know that-
You had to jerk off his tail.
I'm so glad someone else is here now to laugh at me.
Cause like, how else would you clean a tail, brother?
I mean, yeah, you gotta like-
You have to jerk it.
So, I start jerking his tail.
Here we go, now we're talking!
How are you, were you standing next to him or over him?
He's in the tub, and I'm like lean, I'm like kneeling next to the tub, so I'm like washing him.
Gotcha.
And, the dude hits a shake.
He shakes shit in your face.
He didn't shake shit in my face, but he definitely shakes shit on my chest.
He shaked and there was a streak of diarrhea.
Let me.
From nipple to nipple.
And I literally was just like.
Get, move over.
I hate today! I think I actually yelled that. I hate today! And it was just like, I was like, bro!
I would pay thousands of dollars.
You should have seen me.
Thousands of dollars to have been a fly on the wall for that.
You know the, I have those loofahs that are like a ball?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the one that look like, you know, like they're like.
It's like lettuce.
Twilly, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I almost took my chest off with this in the shower, just.
Yeah, I had diarrhea on my chest.
Oh my goodness.
Connected my nipples.
That is, that is, that is bad.
And that's kind of how it ended. I mean, he's still sick right now.
He's better, though.
Yeah, like he's not, he's not shitting and throwing up.
Story if at the end of it, he like died.
No, no, no. I just got a text from the vet today and he said like his blood work is normal.
He may have just eaten something that like, I don't fucking know. Oh, I did give him a hemp chew. The day before this happened, so maybe.
A what?
It's like, uh, CBD.
You're giving your dog drugs?
It's not drugs. Like it's, it's for anxiety.
I don't know about that. It sounds like you're, you're, I mean, whatever. But anxiety, anxiety.
Blowing meth in his face. It's, it's fucking CBD.
I love how your dog's, your dog has anxiety. I wonder why. He just let go of his entire fucking week's worth of food. On himself.
He's a, he's a very sensitive and like cuddly guy.
You know, they do say that. Dogs take the personality of their owners, their handlers. I don't know what the proper term is. I don't want to offend any dog.
I mean, I don't have separation anxiety, but I definitely like to cuddle and like.
I have a question.
So you know how there are people out there that like to like dress up as dogs and like be on leashes and like shit like that?
Furries, yeah.
Are they furries or are they dog people?
No, they're furries.
They're, they're furries. But furries is different because furries are like.
Sect where they are, they're just dogs.
I'm saying, I'm not talking furries because furries are in like mascot costumes. They're in like big helmets and.
Those are expensive too.
I would imagine.
But. I'm talking to people that like wear like the, you know, the ears and the face thing and they like.
And they like hop over fences.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. The person that is there in, in control of them? How does that, like, what do they call them? Like, are they in a relationship?
Oh, like a master dog?
Yeah, like, is it, is that what it is? Is like, dog dom? You're my dog dom, dommy dog.
Type in dog play, is it dog play?
You want me to type in dog?
Oh, god, this is my computer. Dog playing. That's just a dog.
That's a dog play pen.
Dog play.
No, it's just gonna be dogs playing.
Humans are dogs, humans are dogs, and they play.
Put it, put in, uh, dog.
Humans, when, when humans.
Human, human wearing a leather dog face.
Human wearing leather dog stuff.
Wearing...
Leather dog faces.
Dog mask?
Yes, leather dog mask.
Boom, boom!
Leather puppy, oh, it's pup play, pup play.
Puppyhood.
Dog, it's pup, they're all puppies, they're young.
Pup play. What, what color would you?
Whoa, go to that one!
That one looks cool, that looks like it's straight out of.
Oh, my god, you would love that, it looks like a Power Ranger.
Honestly, I kind of like, don't hate it.
Click on that one.
I think they're pretty pricey, though.
Yeah, let's see.
Cause of like, dog.
Hundred and seventy dollars!
That's nothing, dude. Whoa!
They got the Puppy Avengers!
That's the Puppy Queen!
Oh, my god!
They're about to sing Puppy Bohemian Rhapsody.
Which one is the coolest, go?
Honestly, it's... I think the red or the yellow.
Uh, you read one.
I mean, the guy has the, look at the.
The blue one is clearly the leader, though.
Ooh, I don't know. Whoa, dude! That looks like if it was like, a Proud Boy did this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? They'd wear that, and then they'd post something that's like, "Defend!"
Oh, shit. Oh, these are cool, though.
They are pretty cool.
Damn, should we get some?
Yeah, actually, honestly?
I'm down.
There's a company, what is this, MRS Leather? Hey, make custom ones for the basement yard.
I think it's Mr. S Leather.
Ah, that might be it.
Let's see, you could-
Make a custom one?
Please select a mask feature? Is that what that says?
There's one review.
Oh, oh, what's the review? Mr. Ed Leather-
Whoa, this is a long one!
It's too long. I'm gonna read it.
Um, so they're reviewing the Neoprene K9 Hood. "Mr. Ed Leather has been the name and quality kink gear for my personal journey and their hoods, and in short, my gateway to home." Okay, good. Hey, we're not kink shaming here, baby.
At all.
I will say, have you ever walked around on your hands and feet like a dog? In your life, of course you have.
I love it, dude.
I think it's fun.
Going up the stairs is peak.
Exactly.
Going up the stairs as a human sucks. Going up the stairs as an animal, really cool.
Really cool, but have you ever tried to go down the stairs on your hands and feet?
I'll try it tonight, I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't try that about you.
I'll create my will and testament first.
I was gonna say, we need to find a new fucking, uh, co-host here. Yeah, and we also have ads that we have to get.
Okay! He was sitting there waving for like-
Do the ads!
I get excited, dude. I get excited. But we do have, we do have some ads for today, okay? Um, gonna have to type in my password here, uh, that I don't remember for some reason. Okay, um, the first one we have here is BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, which is online therapy. Uh, he's using this opportunity to eat.
I'm trying to go really quiet, too. You didn't hear no clanging or banging.
BetterHelp is online therapy. If you want to dip your toe into the world of therapy, you can do so with BetterHelp. Uh, you can, um, talk to a therapist in just under 48 hours. I've been in therapy for years. I think it's very beneficial. I think that everyone should be in it. Um, but yeah, and also it's just not for people who you think you have some like big traumatic thing that you have to get through or whatever, like, even if you feel like you don't have anything, uh, like any pressing matters or whatever, therapy is very helpful to help you with like decisions that you'll be making in the future, or just better understanding yourself. At least in my opinion, I think it's very useful in that way. So, for anyone, um, that would like to start doing therapy, you can do so with BetterHelp. Go to betterhelp.com/basementyard today and you will get 10% off of your first month, okay? That is spelled B-E-T-T-
B E R H E L P dot com slash basement yard right now for that 10% off of your first month and like I said I've been in therapy for years now and I think it's very beneficial so shout out to BetterHelp. We also have FitBod. FitBod it creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and your experience. It can be very educational because they have over a thousand demonstration videos so even if you've never you know started your fitness journey or you don't know anything about fitness, you can learn a lot from these demonstration videos. You can also do it in the privacy of your own home. If you don't have access to a gym or you don't have any equipment or anything, they can still create a personalized workout routine that's body weight or if it's just dumbbells. Or if you
have full access to a gym, they also can create a workout routine for that. And they also track your muscle recovery so you can avoid burnout. So yeah, it's like having a personal trainer but better and you can do it you know whenever you want. And you can save 25% off of your subscription or you can try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash basement. That's F I T B O D dot M E slash basement. Okay, so go to fitbod.me slash basement right now. Get that 25% off your subscription or try that for free. Enjoy.
Yeah, and listen, if you want company along the way in whatever journey you're taking this year, why don't you bring the Basement Yard, baby? Patreon dot com slash the Basement Yard brings more of us directly into the palm of your hands or on your TV, however you consume the Basement Yard. So go to Patreon dot com slash the Basement Yard and you sign up for that first here, you get these weekly episodes, one whole week, that's right, seven whole days in advance. And then every single Friday, you get exclusive episodes just for you and the other patrons that you can check out. So you start and end your week with the Basement Yard. Thank you so much. The reason we're in this new studio really is because of all of your support, especially the patrons. So we thank you guys. If you're able to take the Patreon journey with us, we welcome it. Also, we have two upcoming
shows. We have the shows in Vancouver at the Just for Laughs. What the hell was that?
I didn't even mean to break that sound.
That's the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival and then we're doing the shows over in Europe. Let's make sure we specify Europe. Go to thebasementyard.com/submit. Let us know what shows you're coming to and submit questions, you know, answers to the responses that we have in there. We did it last year during the shows.
We have prompts, they have the responses.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. You know, we did it last year during the shows, they were really fun, people enjoyed them and we liked interacting with people, it was a highlight for us too. So go check it out, thebasementyard.com/submit if you're coming to those shows and we'll see you there. Alright.
Lovely, that's beautiful. What?
You wanted the other hot dog, right?
Me?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, alright, well you're here.
Are you throwing a hot dog? The bun came out!
There's a bite taken out! You took a bite of it and you gave it to me, you freak! And the bun!
First of all, there are rules.
I did, I texted him.
No, I meant, you said throw me a hot dog across the fucking-
No, I didn't, I said Joey wants the other hot dog to eat, can you bring it to him?
Greg, you can hear me.
Like, I've never said that.
But also like, you know that this bite that he took out of it, he was so upset by it, he was just like, "Ah, this is my cheat."
I shouldn't have done that.
This is my cheat.
I really shouldn't have done that.
He's like, "Ooh."
It's not cheese, so he'll eat it. I am pretty, I'm not even lying, I wanted that, that hot dog, so. If you didn't want it, well no, the bun's on the floor now!
Eat as much as that hot dog as you can in one bite.
I'm not doing this, Joey.
In one bite?
There's some-
Don't do it sideways, do it this way.
There are some sneaky, that's way worse! There are some sneaky people on TikTok that'll, they'll, they'll be able to get videos of that, clips of that very quick and it'll end up all over the sites. I'm sure as you have sites that talk about your fucking sick feet, there are sites that talk about people that deep throat stuff. I'm not doing it. Nice try, America.
Did I tell you that one time someone tried to get me to sell my fart to them? Or sounds of my fart, oh like a recording of my fart?
Yeah, that happened to me too!
I should have done that.
That happened to me, uh, someone messaged me, remember their name? They're like, their name was Fart Slave Frankie.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Fart Slave Frankie.
Oh, I thought it was like fart slut.
Close enough.
Yeah, same thing.
But, uh, they wanted my-
Definitely not the same thing.
They wanted my farts. I have too much pride to record my, my farts and sell them.
I don't. I just will for the right price. I will sell, I will sell a recording of my fart.
We talked about this a while ago. Has your price changed? Has it gone up?
On my fart?
Yeah. Has your price of your, you have more valuable farts than you did three years ago?
If someone was willing to offer you like, like yo, next time you fart, take a video of it and just send it to me and I'll send you X. How much would that have to be?
Per fart?
One si- one sitting of fart.
Am I paying taxes on the money?
No, it's cash. It's not cash, it's a zell.
Man, first of all, I'm gonna get in trouble because if I get it once, you know me, once I get into something, I'm, I'm in, I'm in for the sprint.
You know what I'm saying? So, if I get, hmm, I would say realistically, $500.
Too much? Too much? Of course too much!
Why?
$500? Who do you think you are? Queen Elizabeth? Bitch, that, you, you have to set your standard high to make your farts more appealing.
Yeah, Frank, you're not selling it to me.
I'm just saying, this is business 101!
Jordan Balfour over there of farting?
I mean, if you're gonna, if you're going to ask me-
Sell me this fart. Sell me this fart.
I think, I think if you want to make, if my farts are only gonna have more value if I put them at a higher value.
So where are you gonna settle though?
I would settle on 350.
I, you know, Shark Tank baby, you go in-
For a quick fart, a little fart? Who's got that kinda money? It's not Warren Buffett buying these.
Hey, how do you know?
I don't?
How do you know? You think, you think the person's legal name is Farts Slave Frankie?
No, but I-
But they, you need to, you need to like-
How do you know it, who, how do you know it isn't someone of like high status, like, like Katy Perry on the other end, or, or-
You think Katy Perry's paying 350 dollars to hear you fart?
He's like a little blo- I'm sure he farts, he looks like he does.
You think he farts?
What, what, what do a little blooms farts smell, sound like? Not smell like. What do you think they sound like? Really?
I was going British. I was going, "Frank."
"Frank, die."
Poop.
It's so stupid.
It's gotta have a price.
I'm having a funny joke.
It's gotta, right?
It's gotta.
I imagine. These are good drinks. Again.
Buddy Mary Hot Sauce, eatingis.com.
Enjoy that.
Um, speaking of farts, bitch. Oh, yeah. Pull up the farting.
There's a story that came up.
Put up the farting. Put up the farting.
No, no, no, no. Very careful. Very careful. Dude, the story, bitch.
You need to have a farting.
The story that we had about farts.
You told us to put the fart on there.
Oh, my god.
Stinky farts.
This guy's fired. There was a story that came out of, of all places ironically. Uh, UK.
Uh, and, uh...
Oh, this is a UK?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woman gets charged in the first ever cyber farting case.
Which, if you had to guess what that meant?
Uh, I mean, cyber sex, cyber farting, cyber, cyber spitting.
That's what I'm thi- cyber spitting. I'm thinking that just means like I'm texting fart to you a lot. You know what I mean?
I think cyber now is just being used to, it's just used as a, as a highway. However, the, however the car gets there, it's just a highway. Cyber.
Frankie, what could that even begin to mean?
Like, so, that's like cyber, you know, cyber, uh, bullying. It's just you're bullying, but you're on the highway of the cyber. Does that make sense? It's, it's used-
That is like the, the most incorrect way of interpreting. Cyber means digital.
Yeah, so it's the, it's-
So where is the highway?
It's the method of transportation.
So like, if you were to drive to my house, you would say, "How'd you get there?" Highway. And I would say, "All right, how did you get the bullying across?" And you say, "Cyber."
I see where you're going now, but that's an insane way to say that.
I don't think it's insane. I think it is coherent and the drink is strong.
Can we go back up to the title, to the title of this thing? Uh, so, the case, woman gets caught, woman gets charged in the first ever cyber farting case after relentlessly sending multiple videos of herself farting to her boyfriend's ex.
Which is a very interesting way to get back at someone's ex.
Like, your ex- Maybe, maybe. I'm just putting my head in the, in the mind of the farter.
Maybe it was like, the ex thought they were being sneaky by messaging the boyfriend, and she's like, "I got his phone, I'm gonna send a voice note back, but it's just farts."
Well, it's video, so it's, it's her-
It's her leaning over and farting into the camera. Do you wanna guess how much she had to pay for?
I, I-
Oh, it was settled. Was the case settled?
Yeah, I, I have the number.
Oh, she was charged. She was charged. She was charged.
Definitely cover your nose because you're an adult. Uh, can we see?
You wanna see the number?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I didn't know this was a crime. I don't, this does sound like something that you would charge, that you would charge someone with.
If, if one of my ex-girlfriends did this-
And sent you farts?
I'm telling you right now, she's getting the cops called on her.
I know.
Without jokes.
Okay, so she...
I love how you can see this.
Look at this, there's no such law against cyber farting. Of course. Of course, there has to be. There's no, there's no law against that. How much did she end up paying, Ant? Uh, nearly 300 euros? What?
What's the, what's the conversion rate?
I mean, it's a little more than 300 bucks. Maybe it's like 320 bucks or something.
That's a lot of money, dude.
That's a ton of money! I was sending some farts! I mean...
You can recoup your losses real quick.
You go back to-
You go back to self.
This probably, this probably actually helped the farter.
Yeah, and anything, this is like free publicity.
And what do they say about publicity?
All publicity is good publicity.
Even if it's about your dumper.
Right, yeah, even if it's about your, your blowing farts.
Yeah. You know how much I hate this story.
Do you believe that? Do you think that all publicity is good publicity?
Me neither.
No, I do not.
I'm like, a bad publicity would really hurt my feelings.
Yeah, honestly, there is a very, there is bad publicity, which is bad. I mean, I think you can argue that like there's levels of bad. Like, bad publicity is probably to some people good, but then like, when it gets real bad, not good.
I don't want any bad publicity. I'd be, I'd be like upset by bad.
I mean, you know what?
I don't even need good. I'm, I'm cool with just pub.
Maybe, you know what? I'm gonna recant my statement here. And I'm gonna be, I'm gonna play devil's advocate. Maybe for the individual, it's not good publicity, but maybe for other people in the world, it could be considered good publicity. So like, let's use the example of like a real heinous crime. You know, a serial killer gets caught. For that person, for the serial killer, bad publicity. For the other people that were potential victims, good publicity.
How's that good publicity?
Now they know who the serial killer was.
He was caught, he's going to jail.
Alright, so they find out that there's a serial killer. Bad publicity for the serial killer that's out there, good publicity for the people that are worried about being serial killed.
I think you're confusing publicity with just news.
Is that not the same thing?
I mean, I don't, I think publicity refers to more of like a reputational.
I think publicity is like, first of all, we're saying publicity so much and it's starting to sound so ridiculous.
Like, there's no publicity with like, "It's gonna rain." Oh, that's good publicity.
But the publicity is the spotlight that is put on you. It's not necessarily the whatever's being written, it's just the fact that there is, you are now public. It's making public of something.
In a city, publicity.
What does it say? I can't read this, brother.
Publicity is notice or attention given to someone or something by the media.
Well, there you go. So, news is by definition publicity.
Yeah, but like...
No, but yeah. Yeah, but yeah.
But no?
No, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know if you're yes or no.
Got it. Okay, cool.
The point really made it here. I think, you know...
That's kind of a crazy way to get back at someone, though.
If you are in the...
How many farts? Do we know that? You know how many videos of farting this woman sent? Like, is there like a number?
I'll be honest.
Because one is like, bro...
Chill.
But like, thirty?
Bro, anything more than five, I would say, is excessive and requires criminal...
Oh my god, wait, what does that say at the end of that? The court also sentenced Evans to a 12-month community...
What does that say?
With a two-year restraining order.
Two-year restraining order? Two years for farting?
I'll be honest. If I sent videos and I got 12 months of community service, I am fuming.
Is community service picking up trash on the highway?
It could be that. It could be other stuff.
Like what?
I mean, there are like...
Coach a baseball team?
Yes, it could be like, I mean, that's what Gordon Gekko did. Not Gordon Gekko, that's from the other one, Gordon Bombay.
Who's Gordon? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he got community service and he went and he taught the ducks. Yeah, it's a different movie. It's his father, technically. No, different.
I, I mean, you know.
You could just, you have to get back to the community.
There's like, you could work for like, you know, with YMCA, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, shit like that. Like, there's other ways to do community service than just picking up trash. But that is one way, I guess.
Right, yeah. Um. I do think picking up trash with those big sticks is kinda cool.
Kinda wanna poke trash with sticks.
Yeah, I wanna do that too.
Just being like...
And then just throwing it in a bag.
Yeah, yeah.
That'd be so sick.
I don't, I don't know why it's always the highway.
Have you ever done community service?
Um, I think I had to do it in high school. Or something.
Probably, right?
Did we have to do it in high school?
Yeah. I did a whole year in a food pantry.
Oh, that's cool. That's nice.
That just sounds like he was in a food pantry.
Yeah, just sitting in a food pantry.
I did a whole year in a pantry.
I think, I did a lot during college.
I can't remember actually doing community service. I may have forged that, to be honest, because I don't remember doing anything.
In my, I think it was in my, my college, you to graduate had to do some form of it. Or maybe, no, maybe I'm wrong, but like, you definitely, like, in my college, it was like, you had to do some form of like, volunteer work.
Which, you know, people go to like, soup kitchens, homeless shops.
What is a pantry? You give out food to the homeless people?
Yeah, it's like a soup kitchen, right?
But it's not soup, it's just all food.
Yeah, it's just like boxed goods and stuff.
Sardines, a lot of sardines.
Really? Sardines?
Cause people donate and no one eats sardines, I guess. There's a lot of sardines.
You ever had a sardine? You ever had a sardine?
No, but I, the thing cracking open that can looks sick.
That looks so cool, dude. Back to rations.
Back to rations.
I will say this.
Roll!
Have you ever seen the videos?
Don't worry about me.
Of the cans? And they come with a little key?
And they have to like, twist it? That's what I was gonna say. If you gave me 30 seconds, you would've allowed me to say this, bitch.
Oh, I stole it.
Anytime I watch the old fucking Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry, and they fucking do that, oh, that looks so sick.
Yo, why do we move away from cans, bro?
Uh, we're still very much so using cans, brother.
No, I know, but like, we don't have the key can anymore.
I know, key cans were really cool. I, I think it would probably got too expensive to produce that.
Oh yeah, maybe. So while we settle for pl- plastic and now we all have microplastic?
No, we still ha- we still have cans. But it's just they no longer come with a key. The key itself is probably like, they were just like, we would save thirty cents per- per thousand if we... Ah, it does look really cool.
It looks so cool.
Have you ever seen the ones where it's like a little knife? It looks like a spearhead and they like cut the can?
That shit looks cool.
It looks like I would fuck that up, though.
You probably would.
Cause you're an idiot.
No, you'd fuck it up too.
No way. I'm opening cans all the time, dude.
Yeah, but they have the k-k-k. It's easy.
No, I- I have a can opener, but also I- I just have a- a s-
Can openers are cool as fuck, too.
We used to have one at the lake that was magnetic. And it was like mounted to the, uh, cabinet. And you literally just pulled the can up to it and it sticks to it. And then it just like-
Spins it?
It spins it and it stays there until you pull it off. It was so sick.
Damn, that's fucking cool.
Mm-hmm.
But I would rather crank.
I mean, I don't like modern can openers. They're kinda stupid.
The ones that like clamp down?
You like hold down and you do this?
I liked it, though.
Uh, we- we, as a society, used to be way cooler with opening cans.
I like when Popeye opens this shit. Fucking-
What was- what's, uh-
What a weird thing to eat to make you strong. Spinach?
I mean, spinach is pretty good for you.
I mean, it's not like it's like protein or something, you know what I mean?
Is there protein in spinach? I don't know.
I don't know. If there is, it's not like a ton.
That's a good question.
I'm sure there's maybe like, a little bit. Like trace amounts of protein.
I mean, trace amount. Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
How many protein in sprint?
Point nine for serving. One cup. Wow, that's nothing.
A cup of fucking-
That's nothing, dude.
And he's eating a can, bro. This guy's getting fucking, you know, half a-
Well, yeah, this is back when they were just like, oh, smoke cigarettes, your kids will be great, even if they're in utero.
Also, was Popeye even strong, dude? It was just his forearms.
My brother. You ever see those cartoons? This guy was lifting up shit, pound, bu- you know? Doing that old timey punch, you know what I'm talking about?
That old-
Charging up his punch.
That old timey punch and then he fucking hits, what's the guy's, what's Popeye's bad guy's name? Bludo?
I don't, no idea. Remember when old Irish people used to fight like this? What's wrong with you?
You, listen, you guys are-
What is this?
You had it wrong. That was the dumbest way.
Do you remember Popeye's girlfriend's name?
Welcome back to Popeye.
Sally?
Popeye Talk. Nope.
Was it Sally?
You'll never guess this. I'll give you four more guesses.
Is it a two-namer?
Like, she's got a last name?
Well, it's a two-name, first-name.
Oh, like Mary Lou?
Was it something like White Trash like that?
No, I've never heard anyone else name this. Have you?
Uh, no.
No, no, no.
Is it like Bullseye or something?
No, but kinda.
It's not a name?
It's not a name. It is-
It's not like Lampshade?
It's partially, I guess, could be a name.
What's the first letter?
O.
Orange.
No, you know, you fucked with me. What's her name?
You fucked it up!
Or, or, or, or-
I just turned to a seal!
Oh! That one went back.
Olivia?
Olive!
Bro, her name was Olive.
Olive what?
Branch? Olive, olive oil.
There it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
That took you too long, dude.
I honestly didn't know her name at the beginning of that.
Yeah, yeah, that was, you know, that was my nickname as a baby.
Olive oil?
Popeye.
What's so funny about that?
Look at you!
As a baby, my fa- like, I would always do that face.
Oh, okay, yeah.
And smoke cigars.
And I had massive tumors on my forearm.
Yeah, and I had a tattoo of an anchor.
Why that, why?
He's a sailor, bro.
Was that a thing that sailors were like, "I love being a sailor so much, I'm gonna tattoo it on me"?
You know how like, the, the basic girl tattoo is like a dream catcher?
Dream catcher, yeah, butterflies.
Butterflies.
You know, uh-
For men.
It's names and numbers.
It's a roman numeral.
Crosses this.
Oh, no, the worst one I've ever seen is I knew someone that had their first and last name on ea- like, one on each arm.
That is bananas.
That is the worst one.
Having your own last name across the top of your back, bro.
I'm trying to think if we know anyone that has that.
I mean, I think a lot of people.
Bro, did you ever see? We should just make this a back tattoo talk. You ever see Hulk Hogan's back tattoo? One of the worst I've ever seen.
Is it worse than Ben Affleck's?
It's in different ways worse.
I've never seen his tattoo.
Look at this piece of shit tattoo.
It says immortal.
Immortal?
What is he, Dracula?
No, that's the, well, his name was the immortal.
First of all, his back looks like someone's spreading their asshole open.
Doesn't it?
This poor guy, babe.
That looks like a butthole, dude!
Babe, babe, this poor guy's had like two dozen back surgeries.
Poor guy.
Yeah, well, actually, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously, there's some.
Um, yeah, no, that's bananas, that's bananas. Now bring up, do Ben Affleck's. I'm a, I like Ben Affleck.
I like Ben Affleck too.
I love the accountant.
That back tattoo is a bad one, dude.
It's a bad one.
I think because it's just like, I think in theory it wouldn't be that bad, but just like on him of all.
What the hell are we doing?
Of all places, like, that's just such a bad.
It's just...
Like, that is cool if it was not on his whole back.
That would be cool on a playing card.
How do you feel about, like, character tattoos? Like, people that get, like, sleeves that are like Pokemon or something like that?
I think old sleeves look cool. If there's like, if it's like, you know.
Look, there's like Josh. Josh has sleeves of like different horror characters. I think that's pretty cool.
I mean, it is a little strange that he has It the Clown.
Does he?
Yeah, he got Pennywise on it.
I'm sure it looks great.
It does, it does look good. He's gonna be pissed when he sees it, he's gonna be like, "Fuck that bup bup!"
No, but the, the, this is kind of like, it's just, it's so out of nowhere.
It's, yeah. It's just, like, that's the thing. If he was, like, openly, just like, loved talking about phoenixes, I would get it.
That just looks like a multress.
Uh, no, he wishes it was a multress.
Oh, here we go, some deep cut Pokemon, go ahead, who is it?
No, I'm not gonna say any Pokemon. But I'm saying, like, there's a lot of blue on there, like, if it was a multress, yeah, we gotta see some of these.
Oh, no, no, I'm not, I'm not going down here. Jesus Christ.
Yeah, no, that was, uh, that was a bad. You ever see Steve-O tattooed a penis on his, his face?
Yeah, he got a penis coming into his eye, or pissing, I don't know what it is.
I'm sure it's come, but where? It's up here?
Piss, coming in his eye?
You didn't see, type, look up? I probably-
We're on main YouTube.
Well, he goes on main YouTube, he has his own show, I'm sure he's okay.
Yeah, but he probably covers the come eye or whatever, I don't know.
I mean-
We do have, we have sponsors.
Oh, we're going right to the sponsors.
We do have sponsors.
You haven't even touched your chicken, bitch.
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Such a shame, such a shame.
What's a shame?
What Greg did... By the way, wait a sec.
Greg took a bite of his hot dog, sans bun. So he took a bite of the hot dog outside of the bun. He got no bun in his bite.
That seems wrong, right? Am I wrong?
That rhyme.
No bun in his bite, right? I don't like that.
No, I don't need a bun all the time.
Huh?
Like, I could eat a hot dog, like, cut up hot dog.
Buns make the dog better, though, we agree.
Don't yeah it like that. You yeah with confidence.
That also wasn't confidence.
No, I mean, like, yeah, the first one...
How's your chicken tendy?
I haven't had one.
Try it!
Well, at this point, it's just been sitting out, and now I'm like...
What's gonna happen, Joey?
Nothing, I just like, it's not as appetizing to me.
Take a bite.
I think it's more for show.
Take a bite, now.
I don't know, you think I'm like, one of your children or something? What's going on over there?
That doesn't work on them. I'm hoping it works on you. You're not gonna take a bite at all?
I love celery.
Was it you who said celery was delicious?
Yeah, I love celery.
You don't like celery?
Or what, did you say it was spicy?
Mm-mm.
This is you trying to gaslight me. I never said it was spicy. I said it has a spice to it. That's why celery seed-
You're a manipulator.
No, I'm not!
Did anyone just hear that?
No, no, no, no, bitch.
Go.
Because two things can mean two different things.
Two me- two things can mean two different things.
Yes. Two things can mean the same thing, two things can mean two different things.
Something that is spicy also has a spice to it. Something that has a spice to it does not necessarily need to be spicy. Frogs and toads, baby. Frogs and toads.
Something-
Why do you think celery seed or celery salt is a spice that you can use while cooking? Because there is a distinct spice, like a flavor to it.
A flavor?
A flavor. A spi- but there, it's more than a flavor.
Flavor is flavor. Spice is spice.
Yeah, but all spices are can- are just flavor enhancers or flavor additives.
Spicy is spicy.
No, because technically garlic is a spice.
It's spicy.
Why, who, what?
If you bit a garlic clove, you'd be like, "I- I- ah."
If you go in the spices aisle, you'll find things that are not spicy that are, you know, like oregano.
Is cinnamon a spice?
Technically, yes, it is.
So there you go.
It has a spice to it.
It does. Celery has a flavor and spice to it. That doesn't mean it is spicy.
But what is the spice? Like, what do you describe?
Just like a s- like a peaked, like, it has like a peak of a flavor. Like, there's something-
But what's the difference?
But it comes to a peak. Like, it comes to like more of a sharp edge than like a duller flavor. Does that make sense?
A s- so a spicy taste?
No. It's not spicy. Spicy is also subjective, you bitch. So like, what is spicy to me may not be spicy to you.
Right. You have a, do you, are you good with spice?
I'm very good with spice, yeah.
Really?
You think you're better at spice than me?
Without a doubt.
Oh, are you an atomic wing guy?
I, I used to, yeah.
But you don't anymore?
Anytime we would go, this is gonna be a, you can immediately pick apart this argument.
Oh, this is gonna make you-
But like, anytime when we were kids, we would go to Hooters, which we did pretty often.
I wouldn't say that.
We went like a couple times a summer.
I thi- Frank, I, I feel like I've been to Hooters maybe four times in my entire life.
Might have all been in the same summer. I've been at least a dozen times to Hooters.
That's insane.
No, it's not, is it?
You went for the waitresses?
Not, no.
Half of those times?
No, no, honestly, no. Like, some, my fraternity also did an event at Hooters.
Oh, you and the frat bros going to Hooters? I'm sure it wasn't about the tans.
Uh, it wasn't. It was during recruitment week. We were trying to show off that we had free, all, show up for all you can eat wings, we're paying for it. At Hooters. Who doesn't want to join that fraternity?
Wait, they have all you can eat wings?
I don't know if they still do, honestly.
Do other countries do all you can eat? Because that to me sounds like banana shit.
It is the most American thing on the planet. Like, pay a flat rate and just get all of the food, all of it, as much as all of it.
I used to think, you know how Olive Garden's like, oh, unlimited breadsticks? I'm like, so? Who cares? Then they said unlimited pasta, and I'm like, slow down.
Unlimited fucking...
Let's see, Brazil-
Fettuccine Alfredo?
Yes, other countries have all you can eat buffets, including Brazil, Hong Kong, and Japan.
Okay, buffets are different.
I'm saying, yeah, like, at restaurant specials, like, do they have, like, Tuesday is all you can eat wing night?
Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure they do. If they, they have buffets, like, why would they stop at buffets?
I guess. I, I haven't really been to many buffets.
Man, when's the last time I went to a buffet?
I went to King China buffet.
That was, that was like the place to go when we were kids.
They had a koi pond in the front, it was so cool. I used to throw quarters in there. I didn't realize that I was killing the koi's.
You absolutely were.
Absolutely was hurting the koi's.
And, uh, that was like the place that like, for like, 5th grade graduation, like, all the people went there after 5th grade graduation.
Mine was Neptune Diner. I would go there, get giant pancakes, and then on the way out, they had a little bowl of mints, and I would eat all of them.
I love sucking those mints.
I love sucking those mints, they have a little jelly in them.
They do, and they-
And they're dusty. Yeah, that was crazy. That was, that was wild. Yeah, that was wild.
Crazy.
Yeah, but they do have like a little jelly-
You sucked them till the jelly came out on, on, on-
Yeah, I mean, well, I would bite them.
Oh, dangerous.
No, no, no, they weren't hard. They were like the dusty ones.
So you like the salty, oh, like, like softer ones that you could bite to remove the jelly?
But you know what I mean?
I know what you mean. There were those ones, and they would get like, like, they'd kinda get like holes in them. So you could like
Yeah, I'd put them on my tongue and I'd go like
Type in dusty diner mince.
We're just abusing our ability.
I wonder if it'll show up. Do people know what they are?
Boom! Yeah, no, I remember those, baby.
Dusty diner mince. Get a couple bags of those bad boys. By the way, for those of you guys that weren't on Patreon, Ant is now our guy in the chair. Yeah, Ant is our guy in the chair who is now doing whatever we ask him to do, basically.
And thank you.
Besides looking up tattoos of
Steve-O's penis face, yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
Get some, get some, order some of these bitches here.
No, no, no, we don't need them. Cause I can't stop eating them.
I, well, what's the problem?
It's legitimate, like, uh,
It's just sugar.
It's like BTH for me.
BT, what the hell is that?
Black tar heroin.
Why do you, like, you're on a first-name basis with black tar heroin that you just give it a nickname?
Yeah, uh, no. But, dude, those are so good.
A dusty old diner is so sick. I love it so much.
I really do. The purple ones of those, you see how they're filled with the jelly?
The green ones are the best, brother. Greens-
Green were, green were good. I like the, the red ones and the green ones were the, I mean, the orange ones and the-
If you ever handed me a yellow one, I'll tell you right now, I'm throwing it against the walls hard as I can.
The yellow ones? I actually like yellow flavored, uh, shit, but like, and people like hate it. These yellow ones are garbage.
I don't like yellow flavored stuff.
The fucking purple ones, I'd rather eat-
Well, those are black licorice, aren't they?
Disgusting.
I think they were black licorice. Green was mint-
Why did old people, why don't old people fuck with licorice so much?
Cause that's all they had for fun back then. They would be like, hey, look, we got this chewing gum that when you chew, it turns black, and guess what? It's licorice flavor.
What the fuck is that?
What's wrong with you sad fucks?
You had cooler cans and way of opening cans.
That's it.
But that's it, dude.
Old people just love the worst shit.
And then wax candy.
Wax candy. One time my grandma got me these things. It's like, oh, it's wax lips.
My gr, my mom.
And I put it in my mouth, and it makes you look like you have big lips. And I tried to eat it, and I'm like, grandma,
You suck.
I'm eating a fucking candle here.
You suck, grandma.
Why am I eating this?
Yeah, I remember, my mom, and she gave it to me once, she's like, it's like chewing gum. So naturally, I tried to chew it like chewing gum. It's not. You know what it's like? Wax.
Yeah, biting into a candle.
Oh my god, it sucked.
Into a Yankee candle, which I- Would bite some of those.
Dude, I don't know if I ever told you this story, but in 7th grade, because remember, I went to that, I went to the new school in 7th grade. And that sounds like I got shipped off or something.
I went to boarding school.
I went to this school, but it was like, the promise, like the science rooms had like sciency tables. You remember those sciency tables that have like the black like chalk like?
And they had a sink?
A sink in the middle and shit like that. A Bunsen burner? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And our science teacher, he was like going over like what we were gonna be doing this year and it was like, cool shit. He showed us that experiment where like you dip a can in hot water and then you immediately go to cold water and it just fucking crushes.
Oh, that happens?
You've never seen that?
It's crazy.
He showed us the one where like he puts like liquid in a cup and then it just like turns black.
Oh yeah, I've seen that.
And then at the end of everything, he's like, it's gonna be, he was getting like so dramatic. And he's like, it's gonna be like, we're gonna like blow your mind. Science is everything and anything. And he lit a candle. And he's like, science will make you question your perception of reality. He blew the candle out and then ate it. And I was like, what the fuck?
Why'd he eat it?
This was crazy, dude.
It blew my mind.
He definitely thought, that's so cool.
I did. And then I found out that he was a fucking fraud. It wasn't a candle. It was a piece of string cheese. I was so pissed about this.
It was a piece of string cheese. And he cut the, he cut like a sliver of an almond and put it in the top and lit it so it looked like a candle. So he was like, candle, and then ate it. And I was like, yo, this guy's crazy. We're gonna do crazy shit this year. He's ate a candle. It was just string cheese with an almond.
I love how that was what got Frankie to be like, yo, this guy ate a candle? This class is gonna be sick. I would be like, what the fuck is going on, bro?
I would give him a shout out, but fuck him.
That pissed you off, huh?
I was, I was-
Wait, how long, when did you find out?
The end, it was like, like weeks if not months later.
So, and, but you were devastated?
I, of course I was!
How'd you find out? You asked him?
I think someone had like asked and he told them, or like someone figured it out.
He's like, "Oh, it was string cheese, you dumbass."
Yeah, basically. I remember being so upset about it too.
What?
I was just like, "Wait, that's not rea- that's not a, yo, you were bought in." I was so bought in to the science class.
Your world came crumbling down.
And then I just found out it was string cheese with an almond.
I love how you were so impressed by that, that it was devastating to you. That he ate a candle.
I was so upset!
Did he eat the whole thing?
No, he just took a bite. And it was like at the, literally it was as like the bell rang. Cause you remember teachers would be like, "The bell doesn't dismiss you." "I dismiss you." It's like, "Your dick is small, we get it."
Yeah, like, we get it, dude.
And he'd be like, "Alright guys, so, look forward, I'll see you," cause we had like every other day classes. So if it was Monday, he'd be like, "I'll see you on Wednesday, and never forget." Never-
We didn't need that detail at all.
Well, it was at the end of class, and, and then it was like, "I'll see you on Wednesday, two days from now."
What's funny about that?
I don't know, just unnecessary detail, I keep going.
Well, cause we, that, that added to the gravity, like it sat with us for two whole days. We had a whole day off to be like, "What the fuck is this guy gonna do next class?"
And he was just like, "And never forget, we're gonna have a fun year, science is everything."
And we're all like, "What the fuck?" And then we-
What grade was this?
Seventh grade.
Seventh grade, okay, that'll do it.
Just like the, the sweet spot of like, you still believe in like, the magic of the world, and, but like, then people start talking to you about the Bush administration.
That's, yeah.
See, that's what you had, and then I had my, uh, Chinese Spanish teacher that was failing me relentlessly every time.
Oh, I, I had a, I had a Spanish teacher that hated me too.
Yeah, yeah. Well, all my Spanish teachers, besides, wait, did I take Spanish in sixth grade? My seventh grade teacher was, uh, this Chinese woman absolutely hated me.
Yeah, we, we know, we remember the whole story.
Jesus.
Yeah, we gotta do not bring it up.
Our Spanish teacher, the reason she hated us, it made sense. Her last name was Madera, which is wood in Spanish.
What did anyone hear the ghost?
That's Ms. Madera.
Yeah. Wait, so what'd you say?
Oh, she, she got so many wood jokes, like boners.
I thought you were just making like wood jokes and I'm like, yeah, you got her.
No, no, no, like, you know.
Like, oh, wood? I bet you got wood, right? I got wood.
I, I don't know if I did that, but I'm sure something along those lines.
Hundred percent.
Did you, cause I remember in high school, did, did you show your, the priests in your high school, your, your boners or?
I think that's not appropriate, honestly. I didn't have any pri- ah, I did have, I had one brother. Well, which, what are those? What are brothers?
Monsinger?
Mon- Monsenior? Monsenior, yeah, but it's spelled with a G, brothers.
Yeah. Um.
Is that what it is?
Monsinger? What's a brother?
I think it's just like a guy nun.
Like a guy who's like almost there?
A guy nun.
Like a male nun?
Like a dude nun.
A gun. Our religious brother is a man who takes vows of poverty, chastity. First of all, he was getting paid.
Poverty?
And obedience.
What did we mean by, well, obedience, I get that, to the Lord.
And chastity, that makes sense.
Chastity, is that, is that no puss?
No sexies.
No puss?
And, uh.
Vow of poverty, he was definitely getting paid.
I mean, that, that doesn't, that, I don't understand. Like, you, you choose to live in squalor to feel more connected to God? Is that a thing?
I don't know, but I'm confused why there's not a vow of being a fucking asshole, because that guy was an asshole to me.
Oh, man.
Yeah, he was.
I, I always wondered, and I think I have asked you this before, but like, what, like, your science classes, like, where do they draw the line? Do they just like start and stop at earth science?
I'll tell you this.
Or like, they'd be like, and the rivers run because of this and that, and then because of God?
No, so it wasn't like that, was it for you? Our religion teacher said, you know, we're gonna learn about evolution. I don't believe in it, but we're gonna learn about.
Swear to God.
You wanna hear what I had?
So, by the way, for those of you guys that don't know, Joey and Ant went to the same high school.
Different times, and it's like six years old.
No, uh, I had my, my, um.
This is, this is actually kinda funny. My science teacher was a gay man, right? Not out at the time.
What's hysterical about that?
It's, you're saying like the thing that's like teaching science in a Catholic school, you're like, where they draw the line?
Oh, so-
And he was gay.
So he was, he had two strikes on him?
Right, yeah. He wasn't like out gay, but he was gay, like he was very obviously gay. Then my, I had another teacher who taught sex and religion, was that the class? Like sex, so it was sex and religion, who was, uh, trans.
Like, was, like, since then has transitioned, or at the time was transitioning?
No, it was like, like, yeah.
Wow.
I think maybe in the middle-
That's pretty cool.
Well, I was like, I didn't think about that till right now when you said it, like, where they draw the line in science, like, it was a regular science, like, we did chem and biology and-
That's pretty cool, that's, that's-
Cool in the sense like that they accepted her?
Yo, did I ever tell you the story about that class?
No. Uh-oh.
True, this is true, right?
Right now, well, I think I've said it before, honestly, but like, so on the first day, the teacher was like,
"We're just gonna make everyone comfortable, so everyone's gonna go up to the board, and whenever you, whatever makes you think of sex, write a one word on the board."
I think you have told me this, but continue.
So, people are writing like contraceptive, right, cause no one wants to be like nipples.
Yeah, oh, oh my god, forget it, if I was in that class-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you probably would've pranked the whole thing.
I would-
Honestly, if you were like in that class, what would you have written to try to be funny? Cause I was, I always tried to be the class clown.
I think I wrote like boo, or something like that.
Fat tits.
I didn't write fat tits, that's insane, but like, I wrote like something, like I was trying to be like, haha.
69.
There was a kid, I think someone did write 69, there was a kid who was strange. You know in the kids in high school that kinda act like cats, and you're like, why is this guy meowing? You know what I mean?
Yep.
There was nothing wrong with this kid. I think that he just.
Like cats.
Maybe.
Or he was a cat. I have no idea.
But.
He wrote hentai.
Up on the board. Uh, which is, which. The teacher didn't know what it was.
So he looked it up?
So, no, he wrote hentai and then as he's walking back to his seat, he was like. What is that? And the kid said something like. It's. When you're, it's something like when your favorite. Cartoons are having sex, but all the noises are real. He said something like that and I was like.
Very accurate way of saying it.
Frank, this was the first day of class in our sex and religion class with our transgender teacher. It was. A whole ton.
I mean, that, that's a good way to break the ice. I mean, good for.
Ice was shattered on that day. Okay. The ice was beat to shit.
Oh, I wish, I wish. Any teacher allowed us to do something like that.
Why? You, you want a full pass right penis on the board?
I would have got in trouble. That, that's for sure. Like if you were giving me a pass to a penis. First of all, there's no way I'm going up there.
Big cock!
Yeah, there's no way I'm writing penis.
People would have. Two thousand and seven, Joey, if, if one of us went on the board and wrote penis, they would have immediately. Pegged us as like, you would have gotten.
Whoa.
You know what I mean?
No, I know. I, I.
Am thinking about it right now. We were in high school in two thousand and seven.
Yeah. Two thousand and six, two thousand and ten?
That is so crazy.
Yeah. And you were born in two thousand and eight, right?
No. How old are you?
I just turned twenty-eight.
Okay. Four years. Five? How old am I?
Will be, well, he turned twenty-eight this year.
Five years.
And it'll be five years because we're turning thirty-three this year.
Oh my, yo, disgusting. Disgusting.
Ill, ill, ill, ill, ill, ill.
Ew.
I don't feel thirty-three.
I, you know what's funny? On the drive in, I was thinking to myself like. I still feel like. Like I, I'm the same person in. Just like. That's not true.
You haven't even said anything.
Thank god I didn't. But like, I still feel like the same person in a sense that I was like my whole life. Like, I don't feel like, like, 2007 was like, it feels like it could be a week ago or 18 years ago. You know what I'm saying?
It just, it all feels like it happened in a short period of time.
So like, dude, 2007's gonna be 18 years ago. It is 18.
Yeah, when I, when I'm, when I was younger, I remember thinking of twen- someone who's 23 and being like, "Bro, get your life together." Like a 23 year old.
I remember, I think we spoke about this recently on an episode, but like, I remember there would be like, there was always like one girl in our high school, and they were like, "Her boyfriend's in college, she's 22." And everyone was just like, "Whoa." And then like, now looking back on it, like, ugh.
You're like, "Yo, slapped some cuffs on that guy, dude." What the fuck is going on?
Crazy, crazy.
I, uh, yeah, 20 years ago.
Almost.
Can I ask what you're about to do?
I'm about to eat this fried chicken that's been sitting here.
Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
You're savage.
Hell yeah.
You're savage. That looked like it tasted really good.
Give me that hot sauce, bitch.
I can tag.
Ooh, a little one-hander. Frank, give him the Bloody Mary hot sauce on a piece of chicken right before we get out of here. Make sure you put the, the, the tip of the bottle right where you bit the chicken, you fucking asshole.
You can take that home with you now.
It's hot sauce, it sanitizes itself.
Guys, uh, I think that's all for this week's episode. Uh...
Are you gonna say it?
I was gonna wait until you say what you were gonna say, and then I was gonna say my things.
You can go try the, the Bloody Mary hot sauce that Frank has in his hand that he's about to, there. That he's, there you go.
Go get it at theheatness.com, go look for the Bloody Mary hot sauce. Uh, thank you for supporting, we appreciate it. Frank, where can they find you?
You can find me at @alfred885 on Twitter, @thefrankalbers on all the forms of social media. Go to patreon.com/thefacemyard to continue to support us. We appreciate you. And like I said earlier, if you're coming to the Just For Laughs shows in Vancouver, uh, on February 28th, 20th, 21st, 21st, uh, one of those, or if you're coming to the shows in Europe... Go to thebasementyard.com/submit. Submit the responses to the questions that we've asked you. It's gonna be a party. We want to see you guys and we're hoping you're happy.
And that's all for this week's episode. You guys go follow the show on TikTok and Instagram at The Basement Yard. We appreciate it. Thank you so much. Welcome to the new studio.
Bye!
See you next time.
Page updated November 4, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated