The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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14,110 words · 3 speakers
After everything that happens with Snape.
Yes.
He goes, "Pause it. Explain that to me, just so I make sure I understand." And I'm like,
"Well..."
Wait, you were explaining the plot and you cried?
But like, bro, I just watched everything that happens with Snape.
Yeah.
The pensive memory and everything.
Right.
And then I was just like, "I just want to make sure I understand what he said."
And then you cried.
And what happened.
What did he say when you started crying?
I didn't, I wasn't like bawling crying, but like I would be like choked. So...
What happened, you know, like I would like pull it together and I slowed up the conversation.
Did he say, "Kiki, what are you doing?"
He was just like, I, he was intently watching. I think he's at an age now where he's not gonna point out me crying, because it happens probably way too often. But he was just like, "Okay."
"All right, I'm gonna stop asking."
Okay.
You know?
He was like, "All right, whatever. Watch the movie. Jeez."
"Put it back on." So, but like, at the end, I was just like, "It was power love," you know?
Oh my god, Frank, pull it together.
No, bitch, I feel things, bitch. You fucking try it.
Bro, I'm mad sensitive, but we're talking about a movie that you've seen maybe eight times.
Doesn't matter. That's, that speaks to the strength of the storytelling.
Honestly, it was my favorite-
And acting.
Good acting.
Oh my god.
Good acting. All those people gotta stop dying from Harry Potter. Anyway, we do have announcements! We have an announcement, if you didn't, uh, hear already on the last episode, but we are coming to the UK.
Do it!
The boys are going across the pond!
Do it, do it, do it!
Tickets are on sale right now at thebasementyard.com. If you guys don't know, here's where we're going. March 25th, we're in Scotland. Do it.
All the boys are coming!
That show's gonna be great!
That's what it is. That's what it is. My favorite thing that you do.
The 25th, we're being, uh, Glasgow in Scotland. The 27th, we're gonna be in London.
We're gonna do it.
We're gonna do London.
We're gonna do it on Tuesday.
Is it a Tuesday?
I don't know, no, it's a Thursday.
Oh.
Or Friday.
Thursday.
Um, and then on the 31st, we're gonna be in Dublin.
Uh, can't do the Irish accent.
I mean, I think I could. If, if, ask me to talk about it like I'm fixing wood or something.
Um, hey, uh, can you, uh, talk about it like you're fixing wood?
Well, this is a piece of oak. Nope, see, I lost it.
I mean, it's not bad.
Well, it's oak. It's very not, no, no, I, I had it. We just did an episode a couple of weeks ago and I had it.
Yeah, you did.
Now I fucked up.
But anyway, we're going to cross the pond, we're gonna be in the UK. Uh, so we're going to Glasgow, London, and Dublin. Um, for the Dublin show, uh, there may be a second show, uh, if that show sells well. And the same thing for the London show. If the London show sells out pretty quickly, we'll add a second show. Uh, but yeah, for that's, so that's what it is right now. The boys are gonna come and do a couple of shows over there in the Uke. Um, but yeah, pop out. Uh, tickets are available at thebasementyard.com, uh, if they're not sold out already, which I hope they are. We hope people like us.
Tuesday.
Tuesday, we're gonna go there, have some food.
What are we gonna eat? Cause the food over there notoriously is not very good.
That's what people have said. I mean, I didn't really have an issue with the food when I was there.
I'm crushing beans on toast. I'm letting you know right now.
It's good, dude.
I'm, you know how I feel about beans.
You love beans.
Beans, bangers, put them anywhere you want.
Bangers and mash.
Bangers and.
Wait, what's the, I thought the bangers were the mash.
No.
What's bangers?
Bangers are sausage, babe. You bang the sausage.
Wait, why are they calling them bangers? Cause of banging? Like banging sausages?
Do I look it up or do you look it up?
I'm not, I don't think either of us look it up.
I imagine, yeah, that's probably, that's probably a very scary, uh, Google search. Why do they call sausage?
Bangers.
Why do they call it bangers? I imagine because they, like, you bite into them and the flavor bangs your fucking throat? Definitely.
That's not a good way to say it.
So many other ways I could have said that.
A thousand, infinite other ways.
Honestly, yeah, infinite, several, several billion.
Yeah, but we're excited to be there. Uh, we're gonna try and like see the sights. Frank's never been to the UK.
Oh!
I recently just went to Scotland. I've never been to London, never been to Dublin, two places that I've wanted to go in my life, so really cool that the first time is gonna be the show.
Mmm, it's, uh, it's gonna be something. We might be a little sleepy getting over there because of jet lag.
Jet lag.
Don't it.
What's that?
I don't, I don't know why I keep saying it.
So, uh, yeah, go check it out, thebasementyard.com and, uh... What's that? Oh, can we go, can we, can we see Platform Nine and Three Quarters?
Um, it is in a train station.
Is that King's Cross, isn't it?
Uh, yeah.
Is it?
I don't know where it is. It has to be in London.
It has to.
I mean, might as well start, right?
What do you mean?
Uh, we go, uh, yeah, we go.
There's probably a bunch of like, Americans that show up and they're like, oh, here's where, drive your car.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, absolutely. A hundred percent.
Will you take a cart and drive it into the wall?
They, I think the thing that they have there is that like they have a cart half pushing, like sticking out the wall and you can like
That's so cool.
Pretend that you're pushing it and stuff like that. Yeah. There's gonna, uh, uh, we're gonna be probably annoying Americans.
Hell, yeah.
All of those places.
Yeah, I don't think we have a choice.
Um, maybe, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it is just who we are, baby. It's, it's coursing through our veins to be annoying, so. Uh, we are the Tawdy, it Taw, uh, yeah, yeah?
Yeah, we're gonna be really excited. Bro, I hope you do the entire, uh, Scotland show on the accent. That'd be great.
Uh, I don't know.
Oh, my god, dude, we get to interact with the Scottish crowd and hear their voices.
Yeah, I, what, do you think their laughs sound different too? Because like here in America, their laughs were like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Over there like, eh!
In London, they're like, "Oh, this is Dony."
This is nice.
This is nice, yeah? We're on bunk, yeah? Aw, man. They're not gonna be happy with us, probably. They're just gonna be like, "What are you guys..."
Mostly you, I would say, but...
No, do you remember all that stuff?
I can't do the accent. Oh, yeah, we talked about the royal wedding. But she's dead.
I don't think anyone's fucking with this guy.
Who's the guy?
King? Ch- Ch- Charles?
With his sausage fingers? We probably should not talk about the king dad. They'll come get us.
What's he gonna do?
Probably several- there's several hundred years of history that suggests he might do something.
Was he gonna- he's gonna send his army of horses at us? Come on.
You wouldn't be shook if you just woke up and there were several horses running in your direction?
I'd be terrified.
With lances and swords and all that?
You'd be scared.
I'm rewatching Game of Thrones, and it's honestly crazy that, like, people on horseback could ki- like, you know what I'm saying? How hard is it to kill a guy on a horse? Why is that hard?
Uh, because it's happening very fast.
Yeah, but just cut the horse's leg. Like, now I feel like I'm- I sound like you.
I think that's what they do in the show, is like, they like, take the horses out and then... Like, isn't that what happens in Battle of the Bastards?
Yeah, they like, cut a horse's leg and he comes down and he fucking- you know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah, that show, I- I've seen it once, never need to see it again. I'm so okay.
Unbelievable show.
Yeah, I mean, it's- I think it definitely is a great show. It is not one of the greatest shows of all time. I- I stand by that. No, not even top five.
Easily, that's insane.
Um, I'm not even gonna ask your top five, because I don't care.
But the reason that you love it so much is because of the production value.
What? No, it isn't. How do you do something like that? What goes through your head that you- you're just so used to saying things that you're like, "Here's why you like it."
I- the reason-
"When have I ever said that?"
So why do you like it? The storylines? Joey, tell me one storyline.
Frank.
Oh, you like watching brothers and sisters fucking diddle-bop, bing-bang, bing-bang, bangers and mash?
Yeah, that's not why. I think it's such an incredible show because there's like nine different storylines going on.
The production value.
That's not production value, dumbass.
The fact that they can interweave. Alright, the writing. You're a big fan of George R R Martin?
Frank, that's the reason why anyone likes any show. And the acting is great.
Acting's good, I will say that.
It is good.
I think that a lot of people, they see that show, that show set a benchmark for TV. After that, now shows are fifty million dollar projects and each episode is a million dollars and...
Not Severance, which is coming out, has a hundred and rotten tomatoes, you're saying?
Oh, I haven't seen any of Severance. Is it good?
It's good. It's, I don't wanna like act like it's like insane, but the reviews for the second, uh, uh, season, which is coming out like next week or some shit, are like a hundred. Like it's getting like praised like, well, one of the best seasons of a show ever, which is like... I think it's a good show.
But if the second season is like great, then it definitely could be like, yo.
Okay, alright.
We're not gonna talk about shows the whole time. Anyway-
We could, baby. We can sit here and talk shows all day. I'm a show, I'm a show talker.
I know, I love shows as well. Uh, here's a more basement yard topic.
We got more.
You brought this up to me.
Mm-hmm.
And all I did was write down what you said.
And it says, "Son of OnlyFans star explains why he takes pics for his mother."
Now it's your turn to tell me what?
Um, or I can just sit here and hold out and make you squirm like a little piggy.
I don't even know how to respond to that.
You don't respond to it. That's, that's how, cuz you're, cuz I'm gonna put a ball gag in your mouth, you dirty little-
What's going on with you over there?
Kid woke up horny on the, on the horny side of the bread.
No, no, no, no, I'm not horny right now. Um-
No, I'm not horny right now.
No, no, apparently there is a, uh, an OnlyFans creator, or a content creator, what do you call them?
Creators.
Models?
Creators?
That's what they call them.
Okay, who's they?
The earth.
Gotcha, okay.
OnlyFans creators.
Because OnlyFans is a product of the earth.
Correct.
Yeah, uh, but apparently, I don't know what her name is, I have the information on my phone, but I don't care to look at it.
Hmm.
Uh, her son is the one that is the photographer behind the...
There goes that photographer again.
Come on, behind the camera, taking the pictures and presumably videos for his mother.
Is she, wait.
I haven't seen, I, I, I don't know.
Is this not against the law? Is there not a law like, hey?
Why? Why? Why would, I mean, I, I think it should be, but why would it be?
Because that's like, child abuse.
He's old, he's of age, I think he's in his like twenties.
Okay, then he should be in jail. Or they should, we should lock them both up separately.
Separately, yeah, together there might be, you never know what would happen.
The fuck?
No, but, uh, so people said like, that's weird.
Weird, it's disgusting.
We agree, right?
Of course.
If your mom.
Frank?
Don't finish your sentence.
Okay, okay.
But if your mom?
Fuck you.
Okay?
Did you ever?
No, no, no, I'm saying like if your-
Don't point at me!
Frankie?
Yeah, sorry.
Your mom was asking you, hey, I'm gonna take these photos, or I'm gonna, I need you to take these photos.
I'd be pissed she told me in the first place.
Do it on your own time.
I don't need to know about this. I understand now is a different place than, we're, we're in a different place in the world now.
Oh, we're not that different place, that you're gonna be taking naked pictures for your mother.
Bro, could you imagine?
Never in a million years, I don't care how close I am with my parents or my children, like that ain't happening.
I wouldn't do that for my friend.
Joey.
What?
You, what?
I don't like that you turned towards me.
If I called you and said, yo, take pictures of my dong, dong sack butt, I'm throwing it online, you're not gonna be like, I support you?
That's not what you're asking.
And take the pictures for you?
I'm not taking the photos.
Why?
I don't need to.
Just to be clear, I'm not taking them for you either. But, I would expect more, I would expect more respect than I give you.
Respect? Than I give you? I'm not taking the photos. I'd be like, "Here's a link to a tripod, set it up with a timer." But I'm not gonna be there five inches from your hee shay shay. Taking photos of it.
I'll show you a tripod.
Yeah, I bet you won't.
No, I-
That's bananas, though.
It is, it is ridiculous.
There's no, there's no excuse for taking naked photos of your mom.
So someone asked him, like, "Hey, what the hell?"
Sure.
Fair question.
I just, you know, re- uh-
I have a question.
Um, uh- Yes.
My first question is, "What the fuck?"
Man in the back, man in the black shirt?
I already did the thing.
Oh, do it again, well, let's, because it'll be funny. Just be like, "Alright, we'll be, uh, fielding some questions, uh, hold on one second."
Okay, yes, man in the black shirt, go ahead.
What the fuck is going on? What the shithole?
So he said, he was just like, "I, I, it's just, it's not weird for me, because I don't get horny." It's, I consider it work.
And then afterward, he goes, "Oh, and also, because it's my mom, I'm not attracted to her."
Yeah, see, you kicked that one under the dirt. What am I saying? Kicked it under the rug.
Whom are you? You are me, I am you, me, you and me.
What? Uh, yeah, no, that's disgusting, you can't be doing that. Uh, ill. That should be illegal, though, you shouldn't, you shouldn't-
The first part should be like, "Yeah, I, I, it is, I'm not attracted to my mom, let's make that very clear." Like, burying that underneath the first part is the weird. You know, like, they're not beating the allegations there.
How do you, as a parent,
approach your son, like, with this?
"Hey, can you take some pictures for me?" I imagine, alright. Let's roleplay here. I'm daddy. You're my son. Okay? You ready?
You're not daddy. Let's get that clear.
Alright, alright, what do you call your dad?
Dad.
Okay, I am, I am daddy.
Go ahead.
Oh, it's not me to initiate.
I'm sitting in my room.
Hey, hey, hey, sport. Uh, I need to talk to you for a sec. Do you mind coming and sit down? Right here on Papa's lap.
I am 24.
Okay, you're 24 again.
In this situation.
Alright, alright. No, I'm joking around. Just joshing you. Ha ha. Skirt.
Um.
Skirt? How would you bring that up?
I would say, hey, listen, I, um, I have to take some pictures for work. Uh, but I really don't have anyone to take. I don't have a tripod and I need to get them done soon. Do you mind helping me out?
What kind of pictures?
Uh, just stuff for work. Nothing crazy. You know, just.
What am I taking pictures of?
Me. It's just me.
Oh, just like, like a headshot?
Uh, no, a little more. Like head to toe. Um.
Full body shot?
Yes. Yeah, yeah. And only like three or four of them. Nothing crazy.
Alright?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Um, what?
What are you, why are you taking your shirt off?
Oh, well, I'm not gonna be wearing this for my, my, my.
Are you gonna wear a different shirt?
Look what I'm wearing.
You're gonna wear a different shirt.
I'm sorry? What did you say? I couldn't hear you.
You're gonna be a, is this shirtless? What are you doing? What are you doing?
I just, I'm not, I'm not, I can't wear, I just said I can't wear this for these pictures.
What are you, why are you taking your clothes off?
Quick, we gotta get this done.
I'm not taking underwear photos of you, Dad, and your pants are coming off. Are you changing your pants? Why are you taking your pants off?
Shaking your butt off?
I just, I can't wear this. You have, you understand.
I don't understand. Let's get that clear.
Let's get this done. Let's, I gotta send this.
You and your, and your underwear?
It's already like midnight in Tokyo. Come on.
You're, you're selling these to, to Japanese people?
So that's how you do it?
Yeah, but, but are you naked now?
Oh, I know, I'm running out of here.
You're really?
Yeah, no.
Just, just, just, just, just, quick. I already locked the doors. Just stay.
You locked the door?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not gonna eat. Just, just take the pictures.
I'm not gonna eat?
Just take the pictures or the shackles go back on.
It's weird. That's what we're joking about. Ha ha jokes. It's weird.
Yeah, no, that's, that's a little crazy. This dude should be questioned by the FBI, maybe?
Oh, I don't think it's in this country.
I think it's, I think it was in Brazil.
Brazil?
Yeah. So what would they say? How would they sound if the mom asked?
I have no idea. I don't know how to-
Oi chuchuku.
Okay. I don't know what that means.
It means like little cutie boy.
Does it?
Yeah. I remember that.
You remember that?
Who called you a little cutie boy in Brazil?
I dated a Brazilian girl.
And she called you that?
She called me chuchuku.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What does that mean? Little cutie boy?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I didn't, I didn't get any nicknames growing up, so-
Yeah, you've never like-
Got nicknames?
Never got nicknames. Like, no one called you like anything. You called yourself a lot of things. Um, Agent Zero, you called yourself. Uh, let's see, what else? You called yourself a Proud Boy for years. Um... Oh, that's all right. You're right. You're still calling yourself that.
Right, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's it.
You were, what? If you could honestly-
Yep.
Go back to when you were a teenager, if you could have a nickname, what would it be?
I remember, actually, this is gonna sound so fucking stupid.
Yeah, it will. That's the show. Welcome back to the basement yard where everything sounds really stupid.
I... Maybe, I don't know if you felt this way too, but like, you wanted a cool nickname-
That was just like not your name at all.
And I remember watching the Friday Night Lights movie.
What was his name?
And, and one of the running, the running back who gets hurt, his name, his nickname was Booby. Booby Miles. And I was like, damn, I wish people-
You want people to call you Boobies because you were so afraid?
Not Boobies, Booby.
Booby?
That was his nickname and it just felt mad cool.
So that's all, like that's like.
I wanted to be Booby.
I don't think that I ever like brought that to our friend group, be like, yo, how about Booby? Like, I never did that, but I was like hoping that you guys would. Like, just out of nowhere.
You thought we would accidentally call you Booby and you're just like, yup, yes, yuh huh, yeah. Say my name again.
Yeah, like I, I was like, I wanted my nickname to be Booby for some reason.
Booby, that's a weird one. I don't think.
I, I mean, you know, our, our, our nicknames were Joey and Frankie. I, I like. That was the closest thing. I, I don't think I had, like, uh, there was one person that we knew that called me Fax.
Who?
Uh, Chelsea.
I didn't think you were gonna say Fax for a second.
Yeah. What, what do you think? Oh, you thought I was going something way weird.
I was like, I know it was back in the day, but don't say that on this show.
I know, well, there was someone that we knew that, that, that used some bad words.
Wait, Chelsea called you Fax?
Yikes.
I mean, I didn't hate it.
I know, you loved it. We went to this splash and Frank, he got a tattoo across his chest that said F A X.
It was Fax Two. It was squared.
Fax squared, baby. Which is so many Faxes.
We had, that was our, that was our tag that we never once tagged anywhere.
Ever.
Ever. You were Joe Mudd. I was Fax Two. There was other kids in our class that like wanted one. I remember, I, I remember once my brother, my brother Nick was like, yo, like, do you think you can come up with a cool nickname for me? And there were these toys that came out at the time. And they were like little, like, they looked like stick figures, but they were made of blocks and you could like change the way that they were. You know, you remember what I'm talking about?
Weren't those like always on like dentist's office or some shit?
No, kinda, but like you can change the way that they were so you could stack them in like a building.
And they were called Nicknacks.
So you called your brother Nicknacks?
So my brother was Nicknack. Uh, and then, yeah, I can't remember anyone else.
Yeah, I, I remember, I remember my sister when she was like in eighth grade, maybe. There she was dating some kid. And I remember sitting outside of my stoop and his name was Joseph. Right, or maybe this was a little older. But I remember sitting outside on the stoop and this was like before he knew my name.
Mm hmm.
And she was standing there with him. And I think I was asking him. Like, oh, why do you go by Joseph? Cause to me that was like something my grandma would call me.
And he's like, because the nickname Joey is gay and that's what everyone called me.
And I literally was like, hmm.
And I never said it was.
You know what's funny is he obviously knew your name.
No, I don't think he knew my name.
He was dating your sister. I'm sure that. Yeah, there was some conversation about I have a little brother.
Bro, they're in eighth grade. They don't talk about like. So what do you do for work? I mean.
They just enjoy chocolate milk or whatever the fuck.
Maybe I'm underestimating how old eighth grade is.
Like when I fucking, yeah, they talk about their siblings and stuff.
See, so he was pressing me.
He was definitely, it was like a moment of like, I'm the man of this house now.
Got it.
Because Thomas was probably in college at that point, right?
Or like about to go. So he had to reestablish himself or establish himself in your home.
I was like, I'm the alpha male here. You know, Keith was on RuneScape, you know, he was busy.
So he was like, yo, you got a gay nickname, Joey.
Yeah, just to let you know, like I am, like you change it. I'm the only Joe in this house now.
I didn't really see it that way. I thought that he just didn't know my name is Joey. So I was just like, oh, yeah.
That was a power play.
Yeah, that's crazy. Yo, that is gay.
Oh, you know what? That's I, I, I, I, uh, my, I had a code name. I guess not a nickname. I think I've told you this.
You're not a secret agent.
Well, it was.
It's a nickname?
No, it was when I was in sixth grade, my sixth grade girlfriend and I would write like notes back and forth, but.
And your name was Chester.
Chester, yeah.
How did you land on the whitest name ever?
I don't know. I think we just.
Did you pick Chester?
Maybe. I'm not sure. It's quite possible.
What was her name?
Ah, I can't remember off the top of my head.
Damn it!
Yeah, I know, but you know, like I was Chester. I forgot.
What was the reason for having a code name?
Well, you pass notes explaining how much you liked someone and it would be. Forget about it. If a teacher caught that, you know, they'd do one of the whole like, let's read this out loud.
That happened to me. Miss Barbario's class. I was passing a note to Jamie and she took it. She didn't read it in front of the class, but she read it and she was just like smiling and she gave it back to me and I was like.
Yeah, what did it say?
I don't know, it was something about, I may have like passed it through you.
I was so, that was the thing that was so difficult for me is like I was the intermediary between both of you and I would be like, "Oh, what is it? You guys like each other? Cool." And like I would hand it off. You know, no one fucking.
No one rode for me. No one rode for me in 5th grade, dog.
First of all.
I didn't have a ride or die like you did in 5th grade. No one fucking.
I didn't have a ride or die either!
Yeah, she, she didn't ride or die for you.
That's what I'm saying.
You know.
And then you made out with her!
Well, you know.
I will never forget that.
Forget it.
I think it's time you can forget, bro.
I mean like, the whole part of it, like you finding out, that I will never forget, cause you were.
Finding out?
I told you, yeah. But you were not happy.
There was no investigation.
No, but like, I just, I'll never forget telling you that and your response. You were not happy.
Yeah, no, it was not good. Uh, but.
I'll never forget that.
It is seared into my brain.
That's fucking hysterical.
Um, yeah, but, well, I don't even know why I brought it. Oh, cause of the passing notes, but I was in Ms. Barbary's class. And, uh, you remember when they made us like walk down the hall and be like, "Oh, this is what high school's gonna be like."
This is what 6th grade is gonna be. You walk 20 feet to your next class, yeah. Well, I think cause they had, um, they had like switched up for math. To put like the kids that are strongest at math all together and then weakest together, you know. Uh, and that's why we were in, we were in the same math class and we were both good at math.
Back then.
I was always great at math.
Yeah. But. Believe it or not, me and Frankie were good students.
I, yeah.
We're only dumb now.
We're academically probably still very gifted.
Uh, and gifted in other ways. Not Wieners, I'm saying like, you know, like, well.
Why did you say Wieners?
Cause some people say like, he's got gifts, he's gifted, you know, well endowed.
I don't know why I went to Wieners first, I'll be honest.
Okay, maybe therapy, look into that. Uh, but yes, Ms. Barbary was class, I was passing a note and then she took it and she saw it, I was like, fuck.
I also very vividly remember that day because that was the day of the Mount Carmel dance and.
Well, Frankie.
I remember it.
I remember that dance too.
And you, it was like you and Jamie were gonna dance together.
We didn't.
I know.
But everyone was just like, oh shit, what's gonna happen? And I remember, cause where was that school? Cause.
It's on like 30th Avenue.
If you had asked me, that school is in upstate New York.
Bro, dead ass.
Hours away.
I, like, anywhere that I had to get in a car, I'm like, oh my god, we might be in Pennsylvania.
Yeah, yeah, swear to god, I thought the exact same thing.
Crazy.
But I remember, I remember going and being like, damn, like, everyone's so tall. Cause we were like, young.
Yeah, cause they, and they, but they were only like, three years older than us, like, it's not like they were like ancient.
Those three years are insane.
Like, for growth of like, your actual physical.
And you would see them, I remember there was a kid in our neighborhood that I think was only a year older than us, but I saw him dancing with a girl and I was just like, that's what I'm gonna be like when I grow up. Like that's.
Like that's, like, as a kid, you see people, like, older people doing stuff and you're just like, whoa.
That's so fire.
That's so sick, like.
Dancing girls is so sick.
This is what the future holds.
Maybe even less than a year old, like, a calendar year, like, six months.
Yeah, that was, Dancing with Girls was so, bro, do you remember, uh, Alex the Girl's birthday? At her crib and in the basement, they put on like, Spanish music and I was like, fuck.
I was mad scared.
I was, I, I remember around that time is when Yeah by Usher came out. And like that was the thing that like people just threw that on repeat and it would be like fucking like ludicrous yeah by usher.
And like that shit came on like.
I was scared, man.
And they shut all the lights off.
Yes, and there was like a light machine.
That like did like multi-color lights and I remember it was her birthday and we went into her basement.
And her parents like let us be down there.
Just chilling, yeah.
Just like crazy.
Put on, put on these lights, put on music and I was already mad nervous to like dance with girls or do whatever. And then fucking Daddy Yaki came on and I almost had a fucking panic attack. And I was like, if someone puts their ass on me, I'm literally going home.
Joey heard a rompe one time and it was, he got very scared.
Oh, I was like, no, no, no, this can't happen here.
No, I, I, I hear you. I, I, and I completely.
I think you danced with someone that day and I was like, damn, good for Frank.
Listen, man, I was, I was the mentality of like, just go for it, dude. You know, like I, I, we did it 180 in so many ways. Like at that time, I was like, life is short. I was 12.
Let's just do it.
Let's just do it now. Live for the moment. Now I'm like, let's take very calculated risks.
Right, yeah.
And making sure, you know?
Yeah. I remember, yo, that's so funny. Yo, dancing with girls.
That was such a.
And kissing them was like, I, I, I don't know if I've ever felt panic like that.
I really like, and I am not looking forward to that part of parenting, but like I wonder what, this is a weird way to say this, but like, that was like a, like a rite of passage when we were kids. Like our parents kind of let us experience life and didn't really talk to us about stuff like that.
At all.
My parents did not.
Me neither.
Your parents did not, but like I see the relationship that Becca and I have with Miles and it is very heavily based off of communication and like, how are you feeling and understanding and like, I have a crush on this person, blah, blah, blah. So like, what is that going to be like when our kids at that age are like, I have a crush on a boy. Like, bro, Ruby comes home, tells me she has a crush on a boy. I, I'm not kidding, I might kill a child.
No, you just gotta do a background check.
Not him, not her, him or her, whatever she's into.
But like, that is gonna be so weird to navigate. I'm gonna, I'll tell you this. We're gonna have a lot of material for the show, boy.
Yeah, yeah.
Because there's a-
Oh my god dude, can you imagine? I can't, I like-
Ah, yeah.
Teenagers, oh god.
And you know what, you know what will be nice though? I, like, my kids are at, are a couple of years older than your kids, cuz you have-
Zero.
Yeah. So like, I'll be able to like, walk you through it. I'll be big bro again.
When was the first time?
Say those ads, go ahead, read those ads.
We have ads. Uh, I'm older than Frank by a couple of months. Um, anyway, uh, we do have some advertisements for today, the first one being Squarespace. Squarespace is where you're gonna wanna build your websites, okay? They have all the, uh, all these amazing templates, so that it makes, uh, your website look nice and beautiful from the beginning, okay? Your website is your first impression, so if you have an ecommerce business, or you create content, or whatever, people go to your website, you go, you want it to look professional. I've gone to websites for certain things, and the website kinda looks, you know, not great, and you're kinda like, "Oh, I don't trust this anymore," so, you know, your first impression is huge, so with Squarespace, they're gonna make it very easy to make a beautiful website. Um, and, yeah, like I said, with the templates, you could switch things in and out, um, so
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Joe, we back to you.
Um, I, I, I, I, I think that, just kind of coming back to the conversation we were gonna, like, we were having before. There is a lot about parenting that like, I remember my parents saying to me like, wait until you gotta deal with this, and now I am terrified of it. You know, like.
Oh, like teenagers?
Yeah, dude. Like, bro, they're nuts. Ki- kids are nuts. Even when they're not, they're crazy, you know?
If they're not nuts, they're crazy.
That's what I'm saying. Like, if they're, like, and then, like, if they're not crazy, you're like, wait a sec, what is wrong with my kid? Like, why aren't they a little nuts? You know? So like, I don't know, do I want my kids to be crazy or nuts?
I don't know. I think that you are maybe causing yourself some anxiety there with, judging by the sentence that you just gave.
No, I, I'm, I'm excited, but also.
No, I'm cool.
I'm a cool, cool dad.
You know, I am gonna do my best, my goddamn best to embarrass these kids, though.
You're one of those dads.
I'm gonna have to be.
Hey, kids?
No, no, no, no, no, but like, if they're having their friends over.
Blast music while you pick them up from high school?
Oh, yeah. When they're, when they're having their friends over, door open, or I'll rip it off its hinges.
Uh huh.
Oh, like, don't close the door.
Yeah, hell yeah. What are you guys talking about? No phones, let me see it.
No phones.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like, you have, cause you have to establish, like, everyone always thinks you're gonna be a cool dad, you know? Cool dad, yeah, I'm chill, you know, like, yeah. And then these kids come home with, you know, and they're engaged to be married at eighteen years old. You know what I'm saying?
Wouldn't that be a good thing?
Bro, if you went home at eighteen, mom, dad.
Oh, and like, not, like, I married this person in Vegas or something?
Yup. Yeah, no, that's insane.
You know what I'm saying?
I thought you meant, I don't know. I, I, I don't really know. I, like, I was picturing, like, oh, like, cause our parents got married young.
Who was like your childhood crush at eighteen? Not childhood, but like, celebrity crush at eighteen?
Uh, maybe like Katy Perry or something?
Yeah, okay.
Which, who I would have married at eighteen.
So if Katy Perry had said, "Don't think about it too much, but you just turned eighteen and I wanna marry you."
Yeah. I wouldn't have thought about why that's weird until probably today. But, yeah.
I probably would.
If I had to think who was my-
I remember being upset that Katy Perry didn't know I existed. I'm saying didn't know like she does now.
Yeah, I mean-
She doesn't.
There's a better chance that she knows you now.
Oh, there was a less than zero at eighteen.
Like now she might have just been like, "Who's this loser that..."
Exactly.
That's what I mean. So like, maybe she saw my face at some point. But, I did have a huge crush on Katy Perry.
I mean, but she's also with-
Like California Girls Katy Perry?
She's with Orlando Bloom, so-
I know, I can't-
She'd see your face and just go, "Fuck this guy."
Ew.
You know, she's with Legolas.
Yeah, that's true.
Unless I beat him in a sword fight.
Well, he was never great with swords, obviously.
He was great with swords.
He was good with his sword, but his strength-
Not Legolas, bro. I'm talking about Pirates of the Caribbean now.
Oh, um, Will Turner.
Yes, Will Turner.
Will Turner.
He was not great with his sword either. He was just always in the right place at the right time.
No, apparently he was good with his sword. He was like a blacksmith or whatever.
Yeah, that doesn't mean you're good with a sword. It means you're good at making-
He was good with a sword, though.
Like him as an individual?
That was a whole thing. That was a, that whole scene of him fighting Jack Sparrow with the sword and Jack Sparrow's like, "Oh, this guy's pretty good." That's like, part of the movie.
Really? I don't remember that. I haven't watched those movies.
I would like to re-watch that.
I haven't watched those in a while, but I remember a lot of them being dogshit.
Nooo.
Some of them got a little too much.
The first one was great, too.
First one was good, second one was good, and then they, after that, they started going-
I feel like I fell off of-
When Jack Sparrow wakes up in like, the middle of like, nowhere.
That's like every movie.
That's like the third one. He gets swallowed by the Kraken, remember? In the second one?
I don't remember, honestly.
Remember his dad has barnacles on his face?
And she was cool.
Ugly, though.
Ah, yeah, well, duh. Uh... If you could pick to be... In like, the Lord of the Rings franchise... Hear me out.
Go.
You can exist as a character, and not like a loser character.
A cool one.
A cool character, in either... Lord of the Rings...
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Pirates of the Caribbean. I think this, my next is gonna easily give you an answer, but whatever. Or, or, I'll do this. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean. Because if I, if I ask Harry Potter, I know exactly where you're going.
Harry fucking Potter, baby.
But I'm not, I'm not asking Harry Potter, because we know you'd be a Hufflepuff.
Yeah, right! You'd be a Hufflepuff.
No, bitch.
No, the hat's gotta be, it didn't fit where I-
No, I'd be, I'd probably be a Slytherin, because I'm cunning.
Frank, you wish you were a Slytherin.
Bitch!
You wish.
Bitch! Go on, go on Pottermore right now. Let's figure this the fuck out.
Go on Pottermore?
Pottermore. You can get your Patronus, you can get your house.
What does that mean? Wait, hold on. Is this a website?
Yeah, it's, it's run by the Harry Potter people. Pottermore, babe.
So you're just putting in names?
Well, like, they'll ask, you'll take a quiz, and it'll be like, this is what your Patronus animal will be. This is what your house would be.
Pottermore, find out house.
The official Hogwarts house on... Yeah, okay.
But get sorted now.
Get sorted, but-
Start the sorting ceremony.
Okay, okay, okay!
Alright, I'm doing me.
Alright.
When's your birthday?
Well, we know your birthday.
Oh, it's, it's month 1st.
Oh, wait, that's how it works normally?
I thought they were doing that-
I know, I thought they were stupid.
Okay. Email address. One of these?
One of these!
You can put mine in if you don't feel, you know, just do it. But you didn't answer, as you're filling this stuff out.
Uh, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, or Star Wars?
Uh, it's gonna be very difficult not to like-
That's tough, right? Isn't it toughy-duh?
Maybe Star Wars.
You can travel to different planets?
Terrifying.
Yeah, but not if you live in the world.
Yeah, but then you're also under the regime of like, space Hitler.
Regime, yeah, yeah. So maybe, maybe Pirates of the Caribbean.
Yeah, honestly.
Like, it's warm.
Cause it's just, it's just like, it's not fantastical. I mean, there is some fantastical stuff.
Why are you saying fantastical?
Because, like, because like Lord of the Rings, there's orcs and wizards.
Here we go.
Dawn or dusk?
You are more, probably, I would say you are a dusk guy.
No, I like the dawn.
The dawn of a new day, dawn.
Alright, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Boom. What are you most looking forward to learning at Hogwarts?
What are the options?
All, all about magical creatures and how to befriend care for them.
You do like that one, you like animals.
Flying on a roomstick?
That's a good one, too.
Apparition and, I'm not even gonna read that, too many shins. Being able to materialize and dematerialize, no. Secrets about the castle? Kinda cool.
Ooh, that is cool, but I think-
Transfiguration, turning one object into another.
You know, we know what that means, Joey, you don't need to, like, read that part of it.
Hexes and jinxes?
Ooh.
Every area of magic I can.
I think you would wanna be a well-rounded man.
I wanna be well-rounded.
Well-rounded, yeah.
Choose a category to continue. Cats, toads, or owls? Cats, fuck you. Toads, ew.
Owls, a thousand percent, yeah. Joey's an owl guy.
Uh, which pet would you choose? Barn owl. Tawny owl.
Oh, what the hell?
Snowy owl.
Snowy owl, I mean-
Screech owl. Brown owl.
Wait, hold on, brown owl's pretty cool, and for diversity reasons, you should pick that. If you don't, you are racist.
But I like the tawny, he's brown, though.
Is he brown? Oh, there are pictures of these owls?
That's a tawny owl.
Oh, that one looks smart, that looks like it's gonna feed-
But look at that one, no.
The snowy- But the brown one looks like it'll be a professor.
This one looks like the one that ate all the-
The tawny one looks like it would be like a, like a professor, and he would say something like, you know, like, "We are doomed to repeat history if we do not acknowledge it."
Yeah. Okay, which of the following do you find most difficult to deal with? Loneliness.
You like, you like being alone sometimes, but like, too much loneliness is not-
Boredom. Hunger.
Being ignored. Cold?
What are those that you can't deal with, like the find the most difficult to deal with?
I'll say boredom.
Well, Joey lives in a forty million dollar mansion, so when you're cold, you just go into your hot tub. Your, your swimming full-size hot tub.
Which road tempts you the most?
Tempts.
The twisting, leaf-strewn path through the woods?
Oh, these people don't realize I'm a puss.
The wide, sunny, grassy lane? That sounds beautiful.
You do like woods, though.
I, yeah, but not dark woods.
Did it say dark, or did it say windy?
It said dark and whiny, windy. Twisty, leaf-strewn path through the woods. Oh, okay.
It doesn't say dark.
It doesn't. It looked dark. Um, the narrow, dark lantern it lit alley?
No, absolutely not. We grew up in enough alleys, we're okay.
The cobbled street lined with ancient buildings.
That one's kinda cool.
I'm gonna say the wide, sunny, grassy lane. Sounds nice.
Once every century, the flutterbee bush produces flowers that adapt their scent to attract the unwary. That's mad words, I can't. If it lured you, it would smell of, okay, so what would lure me? The scent?
Money.
The sea.
I do like the smell of money.
Attention.
And, and books.
And, oh, yes, books.
So if books is an answer, I'm taking that. This one says the sea. Who is tempted by that?
The sea, the sea smells good. The salty air. I don't hate that.
What am I, a fish? Home?
Mmm, that is subjective. Home smell is subjective.
A crackling log fire? Love that.
You like the smell of fire, though, or do you just like the sound of it?
I think that, no, I like both. I like the smell of.
Okay, alright, good.
Fresh parchment.
That's book, baby. That's book. That's as close to book as you're getting.
But it's parchment, I think of scrolls.
Yeah, and what do you think books were made of back then, Joey?
No, I'm gonna say a crackling log fire, though.
Whatever you want.
After you have died, what would you most like people to do when they hear your name? Ask for more stories about your adventures? Miss you, but smile?
Think of, think with admiration of your achievements? I don't care what people think of me after I'm dead. It's what they think of me while I'm alive that counts.
That one.
That one sucks. I'm gonna say-
Jesus Christ, this is getting morbid.
Ask for more stories about your adventure.
What adventures have you been on, Joey?
None but-
You've drank in several countries. Those are not adventures. Those just prove that you have possibly a little-
Oh, look at Lewis and Clark over here. Relax!
Heads or tails?
Heav-
Are you getting your answer? Look at, turn it to me. Turn it to me, turn it to me.
The sorting hat is ready to make his decision.
Alright, turn it to me and don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look.
Did it do it?
Gryffindor!
Yes! Way to go, Joey. Way to go.
Yes!
Congratulations.
I'm, and I'm, here I am. You know what I mean?
There you are, babe. Now you know. That's crazy. I'm not gonna do mine because either I get Gryffindor and I'm happy, or I get someone else and I'm pissed.
I would love to be a wizard, though. Besides the point, I'm picking pirate. I would still like to be a pirate for like, a month.
But like a good pirate, like a nice pirate, like a-
No, I'd like to rob, but maybe other pirates I'd like to rob, not like-
Oh, so that's pretty good. I mean, I'm saying like you're, you're, like you're, you're the pirate's pirate, you know, like you're going after the booty, like of-
For sure.
Of the other pirates.
And rum, there's that alcohol.
There it is.
Right, and wine.
Yeah. Ah, that one's tough because of all the, you know-
I don't really like being out at sea, though.
Being on this, being known as like someone that lives out on the sea is miserable.
Kinda crazy.
Let me tell ya, that sounds awful.
I'd probably have a really good tan.
Uh, yeah, and you'd also have a really good couple spots they needed to probably cut out of your skin because of the potential melanoma.
Yeah, I'd probably definitely get that.
Yeah. You'd be an old, leathery hag.
Yeah, but I have a cool hat and probably a pet monkey.
Let's just get, why can't we just dress like pirates?
Why can't?
You live in Brooklyn, most people dress that way anyways.
That's fair.
We could, like pirate chic, which is just pirates.
I mean, you would need earrings, which you have none of. You would need longer hair.
And I would, I would need mascara, not mascara, eyeliner?
Eyeliner?
Eyeliner.
I mean, whatever, that's fine.
A golden tooth, that'd be cool.
What? You know what's crazy is all, you know, like collectively, all of our success, neither of us have gotten grills.
You think that's crazy? That we haven't? Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, why not?
Wait, you want grills?
I mean.
Frank, I know that there was a point in your life where you desperately wanted them.
I mean, hear me out.
Would you hate it?
If I had grills?
I don't know that it would go with my whole life.
It doesn't match my life.
Grills? Yeah, or at least one gold tooth, like what's his name, like one of the wet bandits, Marv? No, Harry.
Do it, why not?
I don't know, I don't, I don't think I can.
I think you can pull it off.
I don't, I don't know.
I don't know, you probably can't pull off a grill.
What about you? Would, would you get like a, would you get like a diamond chain?
Like a big one?
Not like a giant one.
I'm not even gonna lie to you. I've recently been looking up getting more jewelry.
Okay, what kind?
Because one of the gifts like Becky got me for Christmas was a, a, a watch box and there's like slots for like jewelry and stuff like that.
So you're like, obviously you gotta fill it up.
So now I gotta fill it up.
Okay, but are you gonna get like diamonds?
No, so I'll show you after, I'll show you some of the rings that I've been looking at.
Rings?
Yeah, oh yeah, I need to.
Are you gonna fill up your hands?
Not like fully, but like, there's gonna be at least two on this hand.
But like, not at all times.
Shiny diamond?
Different colors, different colors, you know?
You're a ring guy.
I'm a, I think I am a ring guy.
You know, um, but like this hand, I like it just being my wedding band, like it stays on its own.
It's nice.
You know, it does its thing. This hand on the other hand.
Fill it up.
Is gonna be filled.
You know, and then I, I looked into like bracelets.
Ah!
And I saw, because we know someone who is just an absolute menace to society, who got like a, like a Cuban link bracelet, and I was like, I can't ever do that.
A Cuban link bracelet?
So.
But would you get a chain?
Becky got me a chain for Christmas.
I'm talking about like a, like a...
Like a big ol' one.
Not like a big giant one, but like something egregious?
No, no, no, no. No, I wouldn't. I think the one that Becky got me is pretty much almost, it looks almost identical to the one that you're wearing right now. But like, the way you have your bracelets, like, those aren't bad. Like, those are subtle, and like, I'm, I'm more into like subtlety with jewelry.
I'm more into subtlety.
I'm filling this hand up.
I said very clearly, I'm not filling it up, but I am gonna put some stuff on there.
Just a couple different...
Maybe take the tape off of your thumb, and that would make it look a little better?
Be?
No, but like...
Fill it up with tape.
If I come in and I, I have a ring for each hand?
That would be insane.
For each finger, you know?
Right. You just think you're Thanos with that?
Yo, I didn't even think of that.
Don't spend too much thinking about it. It's not very cool, I would say.
I wasn't even thinking of getting a thumb ring, but now that you said that.
I've put a ring on my thumb before.
Where else have you put a ring?
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Very good, very good.
Ooh, very good. Dude, we have to talk about, I'm down a rabbit hole, this dude on TikTok who is like addicted to soda and he drinks like... Around the clock. I, I, he opened up his fridge and it was just filled with soda.
I saw that.
And then he's like, people ask me if I have water. And then he's like at the gym, he's like, of course I've drank water, but I also, and he holds up like two Pepsis. And I'm like, bro.
I also saw that like he'll like pour, like, cause I, I, I was watching it too. I know what you're referencing and, and he opened it and there was like Fresca. And I was like, oh, okay. Fresca's not like.
What is Fresca?
I think it's just like, it's like La Croix.
You know, like that. I could be wrong, but I don't care to find out.
Uh, but then I saw he'd like pour a Fresca and I'm like, all right, that's not bad. And then he'd put like, three pumps of like, like Starbucks sugar syrup in it.
Ah.
Yeah, I have seen that.
Dude.
Not good.
I mean, he said he can go through like several 12 packs a weekend.
Yeah, it said, uh, he can, claims he can drink three 12 packs in a weekend. That's insane.
That's
a lot of sugar, dude.
That's like four times the amount of soda I drink in a year.
Well, I didn't, what does this person look like? Are they not like, well, maybe, maybe outside they look okay, but on the inside they probably are not doing so hot.
Even with the sugar content of, of a soda, like, bro.
The bubbies? That's a lot of bubbles going in. Well, some of us are adults and our insides know how to deal with carbonation. Unlike your fucking, you know, toddler insides. So the bubbies are not the problem. It's the sugar content.
Frank, the human body, if you drink a lot of carbonated shit,
will get bloated.
Yeah. And you go like this, bup. That's it. Bup. Sorry, Joey. Uh, uh, I haven't burped in, uh, 20 years. Hip, hip, hip, hip.
I have a condition.
Which is called what?
There is a name for it.
Oh, really? I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought it was just like a little jokey thing.
What'd you think I was doing?
I thought it was like a little like.
I can't burp. So now you're gonna bully me.
Oh, is it like a serious medical condition? I didn't know that.
Serious medical.
Are you okay?
Don't act like you give a fuck now.
Everyone now, he just guilted me into saying that. So now everyone sit around and let's talk with him. Are you okay? This is what you wanted, right bitch?
No, it's not.
Little bitch.
You're mean.
You're mean, and you're a bastard. Not in like the literal sense, but you're a bastard, being a bastard.
Being a bastard.
Yes, you have a father.
I'll wear that. I do, I do. And he's a way, he's a very like present.
Um, that's, that's a lot.
Three twelve packs in a weekend.
You know what? I used to love soda, but then like.
What was your favorite soda?
Coca-Cola.
Oh yeah, I knew that.
Yeah, you've, uh, you've made fun of me for that before.
What's, what's your favorite sodas?
What? What the hell is that?
Like you're like top five.
Oh, Coca-Cola, uh, Love Sprite. Love Sprite, orange soda.
That's like the worst.
Who loves orange soda? Frankie loves orange soda.
Is it true? Mm-hmm. I do, I do, I do, I do, ooh.
Okay, fired. Um, are you wearing yellow socks?
Why are you wearing yellow socks?
I'm not.
Those are cool.
Oh, yeah, I am.
They're like, not just yellow, they're like Easter yellow.
Yeah, baby, pastels. I'm, I, I, you know, I'm exploring my color palette with my clothing a little bit.
They're socks.
They're colorful socks though, bitch.
Uh, sorry.
I'm kinda hungry.
Yeah, I get angry when I'm hungry. Back to what I was saying. Yeah, so those are, I would, those sodas are up there. I like those sodas.
You know, but like, I don't like really hate, oh, I hate cream soda and I hate root beer.
And, and anyone that likes those.
Do you like a canned Hawaiian punch?
No, it feels wrong.
It does.
I need to drink this out of plastic.
Same with brisk. Although brisk.
No, I like it in a can.
I will say, yeah, I, I recanted that. Brisk and Nest tea, the one that had the cool looking, you know, like the cool looking snowman on it.
That's sick.
Fucked with that.
That was so good. Also.
Iced tea is great.
Not real. It was.
Sugar.
I remember the first time I had iced tea that was iced tea and I was like, what the fuck is this? This sucks.
Cause I was drinking.
Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. I remember my dad used to get, um, the powdered iced tea at the lake house.
You remember this, right?
And I would dump. No, so, growing up, we had like the big pitcher, I'm sure everyone had like-
Everyone had the same looking pitcher.
And the top spins, it's like one that has like, it goes through like this and the other's a hole.
If there's ice in there, yeah.
So, we had that, and like, if you, the rule in my house was like, if you finish it, then you have to make the new one. And we would just pray to God that Keith wouldn't finish it. Because when this kid would make iced tea-
Oh, yeah?
Half the bucket is going in here.
Real, that's the-
There'd be an inch of sugar on the bottom of the thing, even if you stirred it like crazy.
That's not surprising.
Crazy. It'd be the darkest iced tea ever. Or with lemonade, forget it, dude.
Yeah, all those powdered drinks, but my dad would do it, and I remember, I, he's like, "Hey, can you make it?" And I went and I read the instruction, and it was just like, three scoops, and I did it, and I was like, "It's just brown water." And then my dad was like, "What is this?" And I was like, "I made the iced tea," and he's like, "Go make it the right way." I'm like, "How many scoops do you do?" I swear to God, he told me sixteen scoops. I swear.
How is there any powder left?
I don't know.
Sixteen?
Yeah, dude, it was like sixteen scoops. And I was like, "Dad, how is this possible?" And he was just like, "That's how it tastes good." I'm like, "You're just drinking sugar at this point." Yeah.
That is an insane amount of scoops.
Yeah, my dad would say sixteen scoops. But, yeah, I can't, the, the iced, if it's in a can, it needs to be carbonated for me. I can't do like fruit punch in a can, except iced tea, they get a pass only because of the cool logos.
A, a snowboarding snowman?
Yeah, dude.
That's fire.
He was like a skeleton snowman.
Yeah, he was skeleton-y.
He was skeleton-y.
The fuck is that?
You know, but like, I don't know any soda that I could drink that much and not, forget about the health concerns, just like not hate, you know?
Three twelve packs in a weekend?
That's insane, dude.
When I was like twenty-one, I couldn't do that with beer.
Yes, you could. Yes, you absolutely could.
I probably could in the, at the lake, yeah.
Yo, we should do that for a Santa Gato Studios video, a case race.
I can't drink a case of beer anymore, Frank.
I think you can.
I can't drink thirty beers, are you insane?
Teams, me and you on a team versus two other people.
That would also be very tough to drink fifteen fucking beers.
I think you could do it. In a day?
In a day, yeah.
It also depends on the way in which you're consuming it. If we were playing drinking games.
We would be able to do it, but if we were just sitting down drinking out of a can, we might not.
Fifteen is so insane.
We could do it.
I don't think I've ever drank a case of beer. That's just like wild.
I have there in college.
You drank a case of beer?
There was a day, I'll, I'll never forget, I wo- we woke up at like nine AM and started drinking. And drank all day until like three AM. Yeah.
Good lord.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it was a tough day. Lot of fun.
You probably woke up the next day like, I'm good.
I remember, cause this was weird, this was when the state of Connecticut was weird with their, their alcohol laws.
The state of Connecticut.
Oh, oh.
Where like you couldn't get it after five PM during the weekdays or some shit, and then you couldn't get it at all on like Sundays. Um, and so we, I remember my, me and a bunch of my buddies in college drove to the New York, Connecticut border. And bought beer and then drove back to drink it.
Wow.
Probably drank on the way home like, yeah! I used to do that.
I know. I know.
No, you were allowed to drink.
I don't, I still don't.
Yo, I promise you that was the law, cause I looked it up.
Alright, so then at the time.
Not in New York state, but once you crossed the border into Connecticut, I was like pang.
I would just open up beers.
Not driving, let's make that very clear.
No, no, I was, I was a passenger.
He was not in the driver's seat, or probably even in the front seat, you were probably all the way in the back.
Our friend, who I won't say his name to incriminate him, cause he has a career. Uh, he, he didn't like when I did it.
I don't blame him.
I'll say that.
Cause it's terrifying.
Yeah, I wasn't sitting in the passenger seat, it was a big truck and I'd be in the back, and then I would just stare at my phone and we would cross the border into Connecticut. And then you'd just hear, and he'd be like, yo!
I'm already back here, what are you gonna do?
You made it like a thing, uh, that like you were cracking it, you'd go, tuck! You know, but all about drinking.
I will say, I think I looked it up, like, within the last five years and I think it has changed.
Well, honestly, probably good.
But it's kind of a crazy law to begin with.
Passengers over 21 can have open containers of alcohol in a vehicle.
Still?
That's what it says here, according to that Gemini, the AI thing that like told the guy to kill himself.
Right. Which allegedly.
Passengers over 21 can have open containers. Each passenger can have only one open container at a time. Drivers cannot have alcohol containers while driving.
Yeah, that's an insane law.
Yeah, that's stupid.
There's no reason why you need to be drinking in a car.
Drivers can't have open alcohol containers in parking lots with 10 or more cars? That makes no sense.
So they can in an empty one? Yo, let's go to the parking lot of the Stop and Shop that's closed and chill.
I, I, I think maybe if the car is like in park and off. I don't, I don't know.
That's weird. There is a law that like you can drink in your car as long as your keys aren't in your ignition.
Well, now with, yes, I, I know what you're referencing. Now it's not even about just in the ignition. Like you can't even be sitting in the front seat. Because now most cars are pushed to start.
Uh.
You know, like, isn't that crazy? Our kids will never understand turning it like a car on like that.
Bro, do you remember how fucking cool it was?
When those first came out?
Of like push to start? You're like, yo, that is like luxury.
Yeah, I remember when I got my Nissan, it had it in there and I was just like, yeah.
No keys, push to start.
Yeah, uh huh. You know what it is? Everything I do, do it big. Yeah, uh huh. Screaming.
What does he scream?
That's something. That's nothing.
When I pulled off the lot.
They stunting?
That's stunting.
Uh, but yeah, I remember push to start when it first came around. I don't like it. I like turning a key.
I kinda do too because you could do it angrily.
But also just like when a, when a car doesn't start, it's like.
I like the, I, I don't mind both of them. My old car, like the very first car I had, like I had to like rock in the front seat to get the starter going sometimes. That's how much of a piece of shit it was.
How would that help get the starter going?
Because with the start, like you, if someone has a bad starter, they say like move the car because that might like get it going, you know?
So you'd be in your car.
I literally would be in my car rocking back and forth, trying to, until you'd see the car from the outside shaking and it worked sometimes.
What was your first car?
A 2001 Nissan Altima.
It wasn't anything living.
It was already a dead person. No, and then I got, I went, I like parked, went into the store, bought us, everything I was buying, came back and there was a puddle of oil. Like, and I had, I had fucked up the oil pan underneath the car.
Of your, oh my god.
So I drove it to like the mechanic the next morning, cause on the way home, it was smoking bad.
Smoking?
Oh yeah, it was smoking. Bad dude. Yeah.
My first car was like, it was nice, it was good.
Yeah, no, mine, mine was not.
A Mazda three, I think it was?
Nice.
It was like-
Must be nice, being you.
Two hundred and nineteen dollars a month.
Must be nice. I paid a thousand dollars cash for what can only be described as the biggest piece of shit car on the planet. But I have a soft spot in that, in my heart for that plate, that car, like I, it, it, it did its job.
We're all shocked that you missed your old car, piece of shit.
That thing was a piece of shit, boy.
I'm surprised you gave it back. Didn't keep it.
I, I-
Oh, just keep it in my garage.
I dropped it off, I dropped it off at the dealership, I traded it in, they gave me fifteen hundred dollars for it.
You made money on that car?
Somehow.
How many miles did it have when you gave it back?
I mean technically, no, because I fucked up that pipe.
Wait, how many miles did it have? Oh, two hundred thousand?
Uh, uh, probably, yeah.
What the fuck, that's insane.
Probably two hundred thousand miles on it, and they gave me fifteen hundred dollars for it. And they didn't even, like, they didn't say like, let's go see the condition, they were just like, we'll give, yeah, we'll just give you the, for the parts.
Little did they know, those parts were dust.
Yeah, not, they were tied up, they were held together by literal string.
Liter- not an exaggeration, Joey, but yeah.
The, the, I told you with my car, when it got fucking smashed.
And the guy was like, oh, can you just pull it down the street? I'm like, dude, I'm scared that I'm gonna turn the car and it's gonna explode.
I literally couldn't shut the door and I had to drive it down the block.
That's the other thing, is I, I, I bent the door backwards on that one.
How did you do that?
Um, oh, no, no, not backwards. So I was pulling out of, remember the gas station up the block from us in Astoria?
I pulled out and I was like, I guess I looked back for something and there was a street sign, like a no parking street sign and where the front, I don't know how it explains, but like where the door hinges and where the front bumper meets, there's like a crease right there and it hit there and it bent it backwards. So my car door couldn't open more than like this.
So then I brought it to, I brought it to the guy that both of our dads know, the mechanic that was on, uh, 23rd Avenue.
Joe's Garage.
Joe, yeah.
And he, and he used some tool on it where he like put a crowbar in and there was like a thing on a track and he like, it was like a weight and he threw the weight back and it popped the thing out. He was like, you're good.
Damn, fire.
So sick. Being a mechanic is sick, but also sucks.
I love the idea of just having dirty hands all the time.
And a face.
And, and just like a.
And my wife beat it. It was all fucked up.
Yeah. And he just like, and also you wear the same thing to work every single day and it has a cool little.
Your name on it.
Your name, you know?
Right there.
Yeah, it's just me, uh, uh, you know? Yeah, it's no problem. I know your dad. He's your buddy of mine. Don't worry about it.
Buddy, always a buddy.
He's always a buddy.
Love that. Anyway, folks, those are our shitty cars. Well, one of us had a shitty car. I had a nice car. I did drive my dad's minivan for a very long time and that was filled with sandwiches and newspapers.
Yeah, that was a strange place.
Yeah, it was.
I'm, we knew someone growing up that had a big giant red van that just didn't have seats in the back and we would drive places just sitting in the car.
Hello, you're looking at him. That was me.
No, there was somebody else too.
Mine was a red minivan.
I know. This was a red like work van. There was no windows.
Who the fuck was it?
I'll tell you after. I don't want to say any person's name.
So strange because there was no seats in my dad's car.
Yo, nothing. No bench.
No, nothing.
Like not even like you could see the rivets or where they took it out.
It was just not there.
Yeah, that was the same thing with my dad's van.
It was weird. I delivered pizzas in that.
Yeah, I, I would sit back there on the way to like Jones Beach. It was so weird, bro. Weird place. Weird place.
Things happen. Um, anyway, uh, where can they find you Frank?
FALRZ, go find it.
Guys, go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram. TikTok is still a thing.
We don't even know, yeah.
We have no idea.
But also Patreon, patreon.com/thebasementyard.
Yeah, exactly. Uh, but yeah, that is all. Thank you guys so much for the support. See you guys next time.
Page updated November 4, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated