The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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13,095 words · 2 speakers
Welcome back to the
Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going?
Oh no, I don't know. I think
No words?
Double thumbs.
First of all, those aren't even thumbs up. Those are thumbs
Thumbs out.
Yeah, your thumbs out?
Just right here.
What is this?
Hitchhiking?
Hitchhiking. Craziness.
Dude, my father-in-law tells me all the time. He's like, "Yeah, I used to do it a lot." And I'm like, "Why?"
How has he not been killed?
Because he's a white man. No one wants to kill white men.
That's true.
They didn't want to kill white men back then. They needed them. They were like, "We need you."
Yeah.
Ronald Reagan was out there. That was a little later, I guess.
What?
Ronald Reagan was later on.
What is Ronald? Oh, did he say that?
I mean, I imagine when people think of like, white men in the US, they close their eyes, they see Ronald Reagan.
That's what you see?
Personally?
I don't even know what I see.
I mean, I mean
Well, yeah.
What do you mean? What do I see?
Yeah, yeah.
You see it. We all see it.
Yes.
Uh, but like, I think of, I think men of a certain generation, or people of a certain generation, when they think of like, the prototypical, "Close your eyes, see an American white man," it's, you know, it's fucking Leatherface Ronald Reagan. He's long dead, by the way. He's still alive. Ronald Ra- Ronnie Rags?
Yeah, he died.
I think, right?
You said "long dead," so now I don't
When did Ronnie Rags die? Look that shit up, bitch.
I always get him confused with, uh, Richard Nixon.
Very, very, very easy to make the distinction.
Ronald Reagan, dead?
Nixon, Ronald Reagan.
2004, dude. He's super, bro, Ronald Reagan was born in 1911.
Yeah, man, that's an old bastard.
Older than my fucking old dead grandma.
Uh...
Both of them.
Both of our grandmothers.
29, I think.
Mine was 29 too, yeah.
What the hell?
That's really crazy.
That is weird.
Actually, no, mine was 26. And this is a serious, serious way that I remember it, because
9/11.
Frank.
You remember what year your grandma was born?
Because of 9/11, yeah.
Tell us the mnemonic device that you created. Tell us.
Uh, well, because, um, we did a 75th birthday party for her and we had it on tape. And on tape are my, my mom, my aunt and my uncle and they're talking about like the devastation of like 9/11.
On her birthday tape?
You're telling me it's a bunch of people being like, "Happy birthday, yah, yah!" And then it cuts to your mom being like, they're, that like, there's, we're at war now.
They were just saying like, you know, the world is a really scary place and it's nice to come together and stuff like that. And that's how I remember what year she was born because of, it's a weird, like, this is not a joke!
Wait, but I'm confused.
What's confusing?
How soon after 9/11 did you have this birthday party?
Uh, um, through, less than three months.
Oh.
Because my grandmother's birthday was December 1st.
Ah.
And it was her 75th birthday. And it was, you know, I remember it. So it was somewhere within, you know.
That's hilarious.
It was like, uh, my, they like, it was a big, I remember, it was like a big family thing. I brought a plastic, you're gonna laugh hysterically at me.
I'm sure I will, go ahead.
First of all, one, this is when I tried out my breakdancing. On the video, there's like, I have to get this video.
Wait, you were doing, you went through a breakdancing phase that I didn't know about?
Yeah, yeah, I tried, I tried.
Maybe I just don't remember that.
You don't remember it.
I probably did too.
And I've since told you.
Any ripaway pants, I'm in.
I did have ripaway pants with the buttons.
But that was, I, I think those two things might have been mutually exclusive.
Right.
Not entirely lined up.
But, uh, the, on the, like, they did, like, remember, like, are, we had that, like, family thing where they would, like, film parties? And tha- that was like a whole industry of like, party filming.
Yeah, with the big fucking cameras.
With the big fucking camera, and it was always the same bald white guy, he like, did my baptism. I don't remember his name, but-
Oh, my mom filmed ours.
Oh, we had like a-
You hired?
There was someone hired, dude. Yeah. And, uh, he would like, cut and edit the whole thing and put like, graphics over it. Remember those like, nineties graphics where it was just like, the film rolling down?
Uh, and it was like, you know, Gloria's seventy-fifth birthday.
Damn.
And then it's just, you know, an hour of people at a table talking, and then a mic being handed to them, and they're like, "Congra- Happy Birthday Gloria! We wish you the best, we hope you're doing well, to seventy-five more."
I-
Do you want to take it? And then they would, they would hand it off to somebody else and they would-
I've seen that for weddings, but you guys were doing that for birthday parties?
Uh, for my grandmother's seventy-fifth. I need to find this tape, and, and like, it was a big thing, and it was-
And you were breakdancing on it?
I was breakdancing on the dance floor, babe. And I had brought with me, I remember very clearly, I brought with me a plastic bag, good old plastic bags, by the way, of wrestling figures. So like, if I got bored, I was just, I would go under the table and have like, a Hell in a Cell match underneath a banquet table.
I mean-
Isn't fourth grade though, too old for that? Am I making that up?
Uh, yeah, yeah, maybe, actually.
Yeah, I feel like it is.
Toys are eternal, babe.
Okay, but like-
That's what I tell myself.
If you go to a, a, like, a fucking party or something, you're not bringing toys for miles.
Um...
Fourth graders now are different than when we were in fourth grade. We can, we can say that openly.
Tell yourself that. I mean, they're probably smarter, but like-
We can openly say that.
Yeah, but I think bringing a bunch of, a plastic bag full of toys.
Dude, can I say something really quick?
I'm ready for the backlash.
Are you ready?
For what?
The backlash.
Of? Toys?
No.
America, let me talk to you.
You need someone to talk for you right now, so let me do it, okay?
Plastic bags are just better than any other type of bag.
Paper- Paper bags are trash.
Reusable? You know how many reusable bags I have now? We've openly just had to give them away to people.
Yeah, I have mad reusable bags.
No, and, cuz any type of-
Cuz I'm not reusing it.
Bro, plastic bags were not only great bags. Minus the whole pollution and stuff, that was bad, I agree.
Frank, that's the whole thing. There's no other reason why we got rid of them.
But, plastic bags became so much more than just plastic bags, they became uh, like dog shitter picker-upper, what are they called?
Nope, they make dog bags now.
I know, but those are not as cool as a, just a giant trade fair plastic bag.
No, I don't wanna pick up dog shit with a giant Trader Joe's bag.
Trader Joe's never had plastic bags, I don't think.
Well, you know what I mean, a trade fair, whatever.
Trade fair, that's it.
You don't do that. You got a little thing now, it goes on the, on the leash.
I know what it goes on, I, we had those, I'm just saying-
Those are great.
Having a place in your house that had thousands of plastic bags-
From the fucking-
My mom still has that.
From the eighties, that is a relic.
Do you realize you are sitting on like fucking history, babe?
Yeah, I mean, that's a little crazy, I feel like you're going a little wild with the plastic bags.
I'm just saying, like, I am, I am all on board. Big Oil convinced us that we were fucking up the world with plastic bags, when they were sitting there drilling into the fucking third layer of the earth's mantle and crust. So they were like-
And spilling it all over the ducks.
Guys, I'm just telling you, as there's fucking oil all over these poor damn ducks-
You gotta get rid of plastic straws, you gotta get rid of plastic bags.
I will say this, whoever is working in the marketing department over at Dawn and was like, "Yo, let's just go over there and start washing the seals and put that on TV", you're a genius and you deserve everything you have.
I will say, I will, I will agree to that, I mean, I think, I think there's a conspiracy, I think Big Soap and Big Oil have gotten together and they're just like "Make us look bad, but help sell some of your stuff and we'll get people's attention away from the fact that we are draining the world of its natural resources."
Frank, I think exactly the opposite is happening. Dawn is like raising awareness of the fact that these idiots are spilling oil into the fucking ocean.
Are they, or is it just a big conspiracy?
Why would they make them look that?
We're on to you. Don't, don't be confused.
First of all, I'm not on to anything. I believe in soap.
Joe is with me here.
No, I'm not!
I believe in soap, but I believe in good soaps. Natural soaps. I'm not gonna give out any free plugs right here unless some companies wanna start sending me some free stuff.
Frank is not. You're a whore is what you are. They say he's a whore.
I'm not a whore!
You're a whore.
I'm a slut for soap.
Okay.
Good soap.
How's that better?
Whore, you get nothing in return. Slut, you're just living the dream, baby.
I don't know, I've been watching a lot of Game of Thrones, so like whore's been thrown around a lot.
Oh, you're re-watching Game of Thrones?
Is it that dark of a time in our country's fucking history that you wanna watch one of the most gray and dark shows ever put on TV?
Peter Baylish.
Yeah. Oh, he's such a little, he's such a rascal.
He's such a rascal.
You're mad horny when you use that word, I feel like.
No, no, no, I wasn't. What was his name in the show, Bo?
Yeah, but what's his like nickname?
Oh, Littlefinger.
Littlefinger, he's a
Rascal, he is. And he's always scheming and stuff like that.
He is.
That's a testament to the actor.
Yeah, he's good.
He's very, very good in that show. You all up to date on Penguin?
Unbelievable, right? Ah, oh my god, that's good.
Love a good Penguin, love a good Penguin.
Penguin is so good.
Didn't, wasn't, wasn't watching any of that. I mean, the other day, uh, obviously I was watching the election. One word to describe the election?
Reactions?
One word?
Uh, scared.
Cool. I was gonna go with yikes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was gonna go with yikes.
There's a bit of a yikes in there somewhere.
Um... Is what it is. Uh, I guess, and, uh...
I haven't, I imagine your mom's reaction was like, what do you think of me?
I don't know what she said. No, she's she just wrote quite the contrary.
I just, it, I get very fired up when like, I don't, I'll be very honest with you. I don't remember my dreams 99.999% of the time. You're a big dream guy. You wake up, you immediately start writing.
But what does that mean? That you can remember dreams?
I don't know.
You're sleeping, I'm sleeping better?
I don't know, honestly. I, I mean.
You ever take melatonin?
I don't take melatonin.
Have you ever?
Does it, then you dream, bro.
I, I'll tell you something right now. Seriously.
I have not slept well in maybe a year. And I've been open, I've told you about that. I, I just can't sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me.
But take a fat tonin.
I, in that, in that time, I've take, I've toned.
You've taken?
I've taken and toned. I've even started taking other stuff that people are like, this is also good for sleep.
Just Nyquil randomly?
Magnesium 3 and 8.
What the fuck is that?
Babe, I'm drugged up over here.
Wow.
Trying to sleep well.
Wait, 3 and 8 or 3 and 8?
3 on 8.
Oh, 3 on 8.
There have been claims that like, it helps you with sleep, like, and.
Got it.
Um, I can't speak for other people, only could speak for myself.
Not helping me with a goddamn thing, okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm still taking it because I paid a couple bucks for the bottle.
Dude, I could take 10mg of melatonin and it will, I will have, be having motion pictures.
You know what I'm gonna do tonight? I'm gonna go home and.
50mg, I don't know what's a safe amount.
Yeah, I don't know, it might hurt me, but I also have young kids. I don't want, God forbid, there's like an intruder or something. I don't want to be like.
Wake up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, I'm gonna, like, I don't know, there's no way around this, but I'm gonna try to not overdose on, uh, uh, melatonin, but like, I'm gonna see what's an unhealthy amount and I'm gonna get right below that. You know, right below that threshold.
Daily recommended and be like, I'll take that.
Well, I have the extra strength gummies. And it's like.
Oh, you've got gum?
And it's like, 2 gummies is like, I think it's like 10mg.
Gummies are great. Like, some of the best shit we've ever done in this world is like implanted things in gummies.
Can I say something really quick?
Like protein gummies?
Can I say something real quick?
I have been, you know, I've spoken with you candidly, I'm on a bit of a health journey, okay?
Uh, I am trying to be a healthier version of myself, not because I'm normally unhealthy, but just because I wanna feel good about myself.
Whom is to blame for Green's powder?
Oh, that, the athletic greens?
Whether it be, I don't wanna name any companies in particular because we get in trouble.
You want it for free.
No, no, no, I'm, I'm just saying.
You hate them.
I hate them all.
Well, cuz they taste like shit?
Because they're just like, they're delicious, they're a part of your-
They're not delicious.
They are not. They taste like chalk and grass fucked, and then they're secretly cousins, and you have their inbred child in your mouth right now. Okay? Who in the fuck is just like, oh, yeah, you have a great solution? I know there are companies out there starting to put them into gummies, but I don't trust those either.
No, I, I, wait, what?
There are companies now that are doing like-
Protein gummies?
They're greens, the green gummies.
And, again, I don't wanna name companies, I don't wanna upset people, but like-
You don't trust them.
I don't trust them.
You've been burned by greens.
Well, I, they're just like, put, uh, put this into a couple, a glass of water-
It doesn't even look good.
And watch your diet change completely. The only thing that has changed is the amount of toilet paper we've had to buy in our-
It is, and, and it's so funny cuz people are like, it's so good, and you drink it and you're like, you like choke it down.
Does it make you, like, your colon blow up?
I don't know what it does, but whatever it's doing, doesn't feel good.
Right. I'm usually like, like, protein, for whatever reason, I can't, there's only one protein that works for me, and it's like, it's like these shakes, honestly, I'll free plug them cuz I like them. But it's called OWIN, O-W-I-N, Only What You Need, uh, but it's like-
Oh, I've heard of those.
It's like Plant Braced, Braced.
Plant based protein.
Yeah, plant based protein.
Yeah, that's me, bro. But it's like plant based, bro, what the fuck? What the fuck?
Well, I'll say it, you just continue. Plant based protein.
Boom. Uh, and then, um, plant based protein. Thank you, God. Uh, and then, uh, there's like some fiber in it or whatever. And it's like, I think it's like 20 grams of, of protein. But like, those are the only things that don't fuck me up. But if I just take regular like whey protein.
I do well with whey protein. My issue is now I'm being, again, I'm being more health aware and cognizant. Is I'll look at it and it'll be like, this is the best qual- dude, I went to, I, I'm not gonna say it because I don't want to insult the guy. Uh, but I went to like a supplement shop not long ago and it was the most dude bro guy in the world. And he was just like, what do you got today? Just went to the gym. Fucking awesome, bro. Like, seriously, like, he was just like, what are you looking for? And I was like this. And he's like, honestly, this is super yummy. Like, just like, you know what I'm talking about? But all of them have just artificial flavoring and I'm afraid of that stuff because like.
Frank, you love hot dogs. You're afraid of protein.
Well, I, first of all.
There's no rebuttal. A hot dog is much worse.
I'm just a little more aware of, I'm a little more scared of artificial flavoring when I have a protein that's just like, what flavor of this? This is cr- uh, crunchy berry, uh, fat tits flavored. And it really tastes like fucking giant knockers, you know?
Damn, where, what store is this? Shit.
What are you do-
I'm back.
Oh, here we go. I'm not, I'm not doing this. Yeah, Frank's got another idea.
Big business. Actually, you know what? I'm gonna save it. I just pitched, I just pitched you a Patreon episode that you'll have to watch in order to get it. Go to patreon.com slash the basement yard. I'm gonna write this in my phone right now, but your mom, maybe racist, definitely not. Definitely not, yeah.
No, but also like whenever, uh, there's like proteins that are like, this one's flavored fruity pebbles. I'm like, this feels like someone came into a bowl of fruity pebbles, dude. This just doesn't taste like- This is disgusting.
No, a lot of them, but see, that's the thing is that a lot of them do scarily actually taste like what they are, but they're not like related to, like they're not officially branded.
I don't like the, the like film that it leaves in my mouth.
There is a film and I don't like that either. I'm with you there.
Feeling, but I get the same thing from, uh, Captain Crunch. That film. I don't like that.
Oh, man, I'll, I'll.
I love Captain Crunch.
There's a new study that came out. It was like Captain Crunch is the most unhealthy.
Bro, by the way, can we like, it's Captain Crunch. I know it says Cap in crunch.
But who's pronouncing it that way?
And if, and if you ever meet anyone that does.
Me, I'm gonna cut your head off.
And honestly, I'll be right there with the saw. Okay. I'll hand you the saw to cut the head.
Oh, I was gonna do it with a sword. I've been watching Game of Thrones.
There it is. That's right. Rod sword. Then stock.
Valerian stew.
Man, uh, maybe, uh, no, I don't wanna rewatch that. Um.
Pretty good.
Yeah. Uh, I
wish that we could go back to the days of like 2011 when pre-workout was basically just drugs.
Or they were all named after shit that explodes. It was like TNT, no C4, no explode.
TNT, sodium bicarbonate. You know, just like.
What are you drinking? Oh, me? I'm drinking nitroglycerin XL, the pussy crusher.
Yeah, it's literally like that. It was like.
Bro, I used to.
Tit fire. And you're like, why are you drinking that?
Or they get like demonic with it. Like I remember there was one that was called like the curse.
That's crazy. Oh, one time, this is the, the, I took, I've only taken pre-workout like a handful of times. The first time I ever took it in my life, I was like maybe 23 years old and it was called assault.
It was literally called assault and I, I thought my fucking heart was gonna dude burst out of my chest.
There was one, there was one that was called like the demon and I, and I remember uh Danny and I had taken it. My brother-in-law and he was, I, I actively texted him like I blacked out for 40 minutes and I woke up at the end of a fucking uh insanity video.
Yeah dude, it's crazy.
They're wild.
I could feel every hair on my body and just be like, I'm fucking, Jesus!
Dude, I, I swear to God, I rem- I actively said out loud like this is what I imagine Emperor Palpatine feels like.
See and now this is what you gotta do, you gotta fucking say Star Wars shit in the middle of this?
Because like I remember I would feel like-
Electricity coming out of there?
Bro, in that moment, whether it was because of the possible traces of amphetamines in the pre-workout.
Which there were a lot.
There were some, or because of my inability to grow up, I felt like I could shoot electricity out of my hands.
Good! Do it!
Seriously, I'm telling you, you know, but uh yeah, no, I go, just circling back, your mom is a very kind person. Clearly your dream was off.
I just had a dream.
I will say it was probably related to some things that may or may not have been said about certain people that might have been running for office in certain parts of this country, or the whole country.
Certain!
You know, but um yeah, so uh you know, I don't even know, that is
after what happened with the Yankees.
What was the last, what was the last dream you had that you can remember?
Man.
Don't fucking lie and make something up.
No, I, I'm honestly, I'm, I'm serious right now, I, I really can't remember much. Oddly enough, the ones that I can remember are the ones that are like nightmares, like I wake up scared.
Oh, sometimes I have dreams that like aren't cool, like it was like I had a dream that I was like on my couch and then I wake up and be like, I wasn't on my couch.
Like that's so stupid.
That is very stupid and, and I'll go one step further and say, have better dreams dude.
I know, like that, that makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.
I get really worked up when I do have a dream and I'll tell someone about it and they'll be like, what do you think of me? And it's like, I don't actively think anything about you of the sort, like your mom.
You know, I, I, I never, I don't think I've ever dreamed of your mom.
You fucking better not.
But like what I'm saying is like in that situation like your mom could be like what do you think of me and it's like I'm not thinking you're a racist at all.
Yeah, you think I'm implanting this inception style in my head?
I think there was one time I had a dream about you and you were you you said and like I told you about and you were like what do you think of me and I was just like nothing bad but just like
Oh, oh, but that was crazy.
Which one was it? Do you remember?
I think I don't remember exactly what it was, but like I think you you had a dream that I called you like disgusting or something. Like something ridiculous.
Yeah, it might have been, but like again, I don't think you're a bad person, but like maybe it's my fears. Maybe I'm afraid you're secretly a bad person.
There's a dream expert just being like, ooh, and just going crazy.
Oh, my God, there are people, there are people that love horoscopes right now that are just like, well, wait until you find out what happens if you have teeth in your dream.
Yeah, which I used to have that dream a lot.
Yeah, your teeth.
I had a dream once that like I was eating and like my tooth, my teeth like chipped or something. I was like, oh, fuck. So I went to the mirror and I went like this. And then all my side teeth were like welded together like it was one big tooth. Fucking debunk that.
I gotta say, that sounds kinda cool, dude.
To have one big side mouth tooth?
If, alright, so there are like three, four parts of your teeth. Okay?
Are you about to give me a lesson on teeth, Dr. Alvarez?
Yes, I am, patient bitch.
Tell me about the four parts of my teeth and if you say, if you say top or bottom, I'm gonna come over there and assault you.
Alright, so I won't say top or bottom.
Don't say roots either.
Okay, I won't say roots, baby.
Good.
Okay. Different parts of your mouth have different purposes. Okay?
Oh, no.
Okay, the front part of your teeth right here. They're called incisors because they're meant to scissor. They're meant to
Scis.
They're cutting the food. You know, when you bite something, you cut it with this. You know, your canine, you have them sharp bitch canines.
I got sharp canines.
It's kinda cool, though. You gotta be honest.
I could bite beers open.
You could be like, the hell?
Yeah, I don't.
Well, you could.
I guess.
Okay. But those are meant to puncture. So they'll puncture and they'll start the incisors and then So maybe it's three parts of the
Molars.
Then the molars are meant to grind them into a paste.
Damn dude, look at you doing, you're grinding on nipples right now is what you're doing.
That's it, right?
Are you, are you a, how many fingers on nipples are you going? Are you going two? Are you going three? Are you going more?
I don't go like this, what am I?
Tony Soprano like begging for nipples?
I don't wanna be a chicken.
So nipple fuck, da, da, da, da.
Nipple fuck? Um, I don't know.
I feel like I'm more like saying hi.
You're more, oh, you're more like-
Well, I'm not waxing on and off, I'm not doing this.
You're Mr. Miyagi.
I think you're-
Sometimes I'll, I'll, you know?
I can't speak from, I can't speak from experience with you because you've never rubbed nipples in front of me and you've never touched my nipples.
Right, well, I can't get close to your nipples.
You're damn right, you can't bitch.
You got an electric fence around those things.
You're damn right.
So like, I imagine-
I've probably pinched your nipple.
You're like a, you're like a, you know, you're like a, you're like a, you're like a, a, a white man that doesn't know how to salsa dance. What? Is this a, you know, like, that's what I imagine you are.
Frank, why would I be doing this?
You're like a Doctor Strange.
No, that's not, that's not what I'm gonna- I feel like you would do that.
No, I-
Yeah, you would, Mr. Comic Books.
Fucking guy.
The Book of Ashanti, please lick your titties.
I don't even know what that means. The Book of Ashanti?
Oh, I, I'm jacked up today.
I can tell.
I took the curse before I got here.
I had some assault before I got here. Uh, speaking of, uh-
Nothing.
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Well, I think that this story, I think someone sent it to me and they were like, "This feels like a Basement Yard topic," and like, they're not wrong. Apparently, the North Korean soldiers are addicted to porn, because they just got access to it for the first time. Because I don't think you're allowed to watch porn in North Korea.
No, North Korea is pretty strict on their internet access.
No P-O-R-N.
And we're not saying anything about them.
Who?
North Korea.
I mean, we're not there. It's fine.
No, but like, they, they have eyes, babe.
I know, they got, I mean, that's true.
If they saw that Seth Rogen, James Franco movie, you think they're not seeing us?
Well, no, wait, what are those?
Yeah, those, what was it?
In theaters, like, once a podcast.
But also, didn't, that was their balloon, wasn't it? Am I making that up? I can't remember.
I think that was China.
Oh, it was China's balloon.
I think it was China's balloon.
I can't remember.
Isn't that crazy? Doesn't that speak to how insane our world is that there is a balloon maybe from China just like hanging out above our country?
Not one balloon.
Well, and then we just forget about it.
Um.
Stuff's happening these days.
There's some stuff happening.
The shit is burning, it's happening and uh, we're, you know.
The reason that, yeah, so the North Korean soldiers were sent to assist in the Ukraine and Russian war.
Uh huh.
Which we're not gonna touch on that, uh, but now they have access to the internet for the first time and apparently they've been going porn crazy.
Right, yeah.
Which.
They have unrestricted internet access in Russia and the first thing they do when they get there, there was like, "Big tits." It's fucking crazy.
Do you think?
A well-jerked-off soldier is a better soldier or a worse soldier?
Frank, I'm not even going to dignify that question with a response. Because what are you talking about?
Well, like, it, like, let's use the logic of, alright, let's go back to ancient Greece, ancient Rome, okay?
Too, too far back?
Uh, no, I, I just don't know, what, what are you asking me?
I'm saying, do you think, like, their mentality is just like, if they, if they are celibate and they don't masturbate, they don't have sex, they're a better soldier or a worse soldier? Like, would you want someone that's just fat balls?
I have no idea, bro.
You don't know?
No, I don't know that that plays a part in it.
I mean, I, I'm gonna say it.
I just think it's interesting, I think it's interesting that like, the second you get unrestricted access to the internet, it's like, that's... Like, that, is that like innate in people? Because when you're younger and you're like 11 or something, or 12, or I don't know when we started looking at porn. But like, as soon as you get like a computer that you're like, no one's around, you're like, you Google like, "Girls with see-through shirts." Wet t-shirt contest.
You go to wetwhitet-shirts.com.
Bro, I'm not kidding, when I was younger, I would look up wet t-shirt contests. Why would I not just look at no shirt? Stuff.
Yeah, I don't know, that's a weird.
But I was like, oh, wet t-shirt contest. I'm like, that was cool.
That's a weird thing. Do you remember if you would just stay watching TV up until a certain time, you'd see the commercials for Girls Gone Wild? Do you remember?
I don't remember that. What? I honestly don't remember that. I've never seen Girls Gone Wild, ever.
I mean, I've never seen it either, but I remember it would be like midnight or 1 a.m. watching TV.
Midnight or 1 a.m.? How old, Frank?
I mean.
Because my father.
I was like 13, maybe, like 14, 12, 13, 14, around that age. And like, it would be like, uh, uh, order today. This is when you had to, listen, if you were addicted to porn in the early, in the late 90s, early 2000s, you were working.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to better have a good job.
You had to fucking mail in a check. You had to call this number.
Mail in like four checks for like 1608 each.
And then get back a tape.
That was just like.
Having tapes of porn to me is so bananas.
So crazy.
Having actual, actual, physical porn is a fully ripe banana.
Well, that was before like the internet now.
I know, but like a box of porn, dude, relax.
Yeah, that was, that was the thing back then is that you had a porn collection.
Remember, what movie was that? Um.
Forty Year Old Virgin.
Forty Year Old Virgin. He's just like, here's my porn collection, it's yours now.
Crazy. Like, do you remember there was a video store in our neighborhood that we would sneak into the back of the porn section of it?
And they had XXX.
And they had like, it would be like, you would see just the name at the top and there was like a black card in front of the picture. And you would move the black card and it was just like.
I do remember that.
It's just like, yeah, Girls Gone Wild, you don't remember those commercials where it was just like, we went to the craziest college?
New Orleans!
Orleans? What did I just say?
I said New Orleans.
We went to New Orleans!
They would do like seasonal tapes. They'd be like, guess what's out? The Mardi Gras tape.
The Girls Gone Wild, Volume 8, Mardi Gras Mamas.
How did that start, by the way? We're gonna give you beads if you show us your tits? How is that any even trade?
Google that, baby. Where did tits for beads come from? I mean, because honestly, if I'm dumping it out, I wanna see, I want something better than beads, babe.
Yeah, I want like, give me-
Something that I can get at any fucking bar mitzvah I go to.
Bar mitzvah?
Yeah, babe.
I've never been to a bar mitzvah.
I was the king of bar mitzvahs.
I know, you had a lot of Jewish friends.
Bar and bar mitzvahs, man, I was there.
Those were like the first Jewish people I had ever seen. Do you know that? I'm serious. Your Jewish friends were the only Jewish people I knew. Isn't that weird?
But there's no, there's no Jews in our neighborhood.
There were not any Jewish people in our neighborhood. That we knew of, maybe they were hiding. Like they were like afraid to be open about their religion. It's possible, there are people like that.
But not in our neighborhood.
How do you know?
Cause it was a nice neighborhood.
Oh, you say that, you never know.
Yeah, I guess.
That's the whole idea, if they're afraid to say that they're, that they're afraid to be openly Jewish, because they were afraid-
But there was no synagogues in our neighborhood either.
That, that is correct, but that doesn't mean they can't travel for them.
Yeah, I'm just saying. What, uh, what was I typing in?
Uh, where did boobs for Mardi Gras come from?
Boobs for beads. Mardi Gras.
Hold on, while you're looking that up, I need to give a shout out to those, uh, I think their podcast's called like Almost Friday or something like that.
You ever seen the videos they do where the guy just grabs a Roku remote and speaks into it like YouTube search-
I fucking love that shit.
He's like, stinky, sticky tits.
Stinky tits.
Reese Witherspoon kicked off of set for having just stinky tits.
It's like stink lines cartoonishly coming from just giant tits.
Uh, the tradition of flashing from Mardi Gras beads began in the 1970s. So there's, there's people who are named that were credited with this.
Oh, like the founders of tits for beads?
Basically.
Who are they?
1976, Anne Lena Curtis? A 19-year-old artist from Jackson Square may have been the first to flash for beads. She sat on a friend's shoulders above the crowds and stretched down her bare chest to the writers. Stret- oh, stretched it down to show her bare... Bro, I'm thinking, what? She stretched them down?
If you're gonna, if you're gonna knock your tits out, are you going up or are you going down?
That's a good question.
Right?
If it was me, I'd probably go up.
I would go up too.
Going down's like...
But that's when women wore more like blouses and stuff, like crew neck t-shirts are a lot more popular with women now.
I think if you got big knock bags, you gotta go up. Cause you can't get them out down.
You'll ruin a shirt.
Ruin the neck of the shirt.
You'll ruin the neck of a shirt.
You know, so yeah.
But if you got cool, if you got cool little ones, then you should be like, fucking, you know what I mean? Or it depends what kind of shirt you're wearing.
Yeah, it could, if it is a blouse.
If it's a structured neck, you gotta go up. You can't, you're gonna ruin the shirt.
Yeah. What feels more like?
Uh, just go, just go, yeah. Wait, why did someone see a pair of tits and then just give her beads?
I don't know. I don't know. Um, and then this, it says in 1975, this is Alex Allen and Robert Spencer? These feel like made up names.
Robert Spencer, uh...
Something, Ronald Reagan is coming to mind right now.
No, that's wrong. Um, Allen and Spencer witnessed a young woman on a balcony flashing for beads in 1975. So, oh, oh no, those are different years. Cause I was gonna say, maybe they saw, uh, Anne Curtis or whatever the fuck. Some say the practice started in the gay community and spread in popularity. Stole it from the gays.
Classic.
Stealing from the gays.
The coolest thing comes from the gays, I'm telling you right now.
Other thing, name one other thing, go.
Uh, really, like fruity drinks.
Those are good.
Those right?
Um, I saw a TikTok the other day. It's mad funny. It was like a girl like out on a date. A guy over there and he's like drinking and it just says like, "Stop ordering an old fashioned. We know you don't like it. Just get the strawberry daiquiri."
Yeah dude.
I was like, "Bro, I am not like that. I'm getting the motherfucking like flamingo, the, the flying flamingo."
I watched Joey get a glass of wine in a glass bird with a straw in its ass.
And I fucking drank the shit out of it.
And dude, and I'll be honest with you, it looked way cooler than any Manhattan I've ever had in my entire fucking life.
Yeah, no, that was good.
You know, "Oh, there's an orange peel and muddled cherry. Cool. Give me the one that has mango and fucking salt."
Pineapple or something in there?
Oh, hell yeah. It comes in a hollowed out coconut? Uh huh.
I've done that before. That's a lot of fun. One time I got a coconut and it had the circular ice in it and the drink in there, but it was like, "This is the best thing I've ever had in my life."
And then, of course, you know, like everyone was just like, "No, I'm not gonna drink diet." You know, "Give me, just give me an ice cold lager. Stop."
Stop.
Yeah. Man pissed off. Love that. Um, but yeah, I guess.
Stole it from the gays.
I don't know how, but who's flashing?
What gays are showing their tits?
To others. I mean, wait, what?
But like?
Lesbians?
You know, actually, no, I guess that makes sense. I was gonna say like gay is just like gay men. You think of gay men.
But gay is also lesbian, like lesbians.
Gay is lesbian.
So they, but what is the origin of that word?
Lesbian?
And gay, I guess.
We have the world at our fingertips right there.
How does it start from gay? Because like homosexual sounds like a scientist made that up.
Exactly. That's, that's the Latin term for it, you know?
How did the word gay?
Because gay used to be like, dude, like Sinatra was saying it and something tells me he wasn't really, you know, an ally. So I imagine that they, that, that someone just like took it and just be like, "Oh, overly happy? That's the gay people."
Oh, 'cause gays are happy?
I mean, they were pretty not happy, probably.
They were probably not very happy when they were being pelted with insults.
Yeah, that's probably.
Look at how happy they are that I'm pointing at them and trying to kill them.
What the fuck? This says the word gay originated in the 12th century from the old French word gay, which meant full of joy or mirth. Mirth?
Mur- what is mirth?
I don't know, I'm assuming like-
What the hell is mirth?
Is mirth a way to say happy?
Google mirth!
Mirth, we're in a deep rabbit hole now.
This rabbit hole, you could find a fucking cup of tea on the table in this one. Allison Wonderland, baby.
Okay, mirth, amusement, especially as expressed in laughter. His six-foot frame shook with mirth?
Hold on, so you're telling me, we took words that describe just absolute happiness and joy, and used them as slurs for fucking-
No, no, no, that wasn't-
People that were just sucking and fucking?
No, that wasn't, that wasn't, uh, the slur.
But gay!
Gay isn't a slur, well, it was used as a slur.
They were using it as a slur!
But like, no, back then, they're saying the original word of gay meant like, that's what it meant. It meant, uh, full of joy or mirth.
Yeah, so you're, so they were calling a group of people that they were not very kind-
No, bro, the word gay!
Listen to me.
You're not listening!
I am listening, but it's my turn to listen, to you to listen to me.
I understand that gay meant mirth.
Full of mirth.
Full of mirth. Which, everything that you've read about the word gay sounds happy, joyful, laughing a ton.
Mirth.
And now they're using that-
People use that-
As like a slur to homosexuals.
Yeah, like you're so happy.
You're so happy and full of joy and laughter.
You're so- You have so much mirth.
Yeah, Jesus Christ, what's wrong with this world?
I've never heard the word mirth before.
Never have, not once. Look up, look up where lesbians come from. Like, the word. When did, when did they get here? We know, we know where they come from.
Where do they come from, Frank?
Farms.
Farms?
Yeah, dude.
When you think of lesbians, you think of farms?
I don't. Um-
Can I have a water back?
Well- Yeah, how about, there's not a, oh, there is a little bit in there. Uh, how did the word lesbian come about?
Hmm, the word lesbian comes from the Greek island of
Lesbos, I've heard of this.
Oh my god dude, I thought you guessed that!
No, no.
You would've had me going!
It sounds familiar now that you said that, Lesbos. And it was like a mythological island of women and stuff like that, right? It's basically where like the idea of Wonder Woman came from.
What? Oh, that's why you know! I was like, why you have so much lesbian research done?
No, it was, yeah, it was called like Lesbos. And it was like a mythical island of, uh, like warrior women. Now that I, now that you've said that, it like, now I remember it.
Wow, interesting.
Yeah. You, you, by the way, you ever hear about where like the origins of Wonder Woman? The character?
Guess.
Well, it's actually, it was made into a movie. It was called like Doctor something and the Wonder Woman or something like that or... Um, but
Am I gonna care about this, do you know?
I mean, it's interesting.
She was made to be like a symbol of like BDSM and like, yeah, like Submissiveness, the whip, yeah.
It's a rope, it's not a
Lasso, excuse me, lasso, it's the lasso of truth.
Yeah, whip, take it easy.
Yeah, sorry.
The paddle.
No, but like, it's like Doctor Martin and the Wonder Women or something like that. He made them to be like, "This is a powerful submissive woman."
Is she submissive if she's got the lasso and stuff?
Well, no, it was, it was re, they took it back and they were just like, "Oh yeah bitch?"
"We're from Lesbos."
Yeah, yeah, that's funny. Uh, we do have some more sponsors before we continue our, on the Greek island of
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And Frank? What? Why are you?
Shaking your head?
There are a few moments in history.
That really rob you of. What you feel is the validation you deserve.
This better be good. Whatever you're setting up better be good.
We didn't get named the sexiest podcast host of 2024, Joey.
We didn't get named the sexiest podcast host of 2024.
Oh, yeah. That was two weeks, that was weeks ago that that happened. And it came out. I was pretty devastated too. First of all, I don't think we were even on the list.
Act? What am I doing? Act with me? No.
The directors might be watching.
They might be watching.
Okay. Uh, let's use a real voice though, because we're doing a podcast and stop whispering. So, because I could barely hear you.
What do we need to do to be sexier? Be quieter?
Fucking.
Jason Kelsey and Travis Kelsey, they were named the podcast, the sexiest podcasts.
Of 2024, hosts of 2024.
We didn't get runner up. We didn't.
We didn't get, not only did we not get runner up.
We didn't get bronze.
We weren't even on the podium, babe.
We, I don't think we were in the voting.
Number two was, or, or they beat out, uh, uh, Penn Badgley.
Who's that?
You.
No, what is Penn Badgley?
Are you kidding me?
Who is that?
Yes. What?
Do you, are you, do you not watch?
Frank, now you're fucking.
No, I'm not. Do you not?
Watch what?
You! You gotta be kidding me. Please tell me.
Oh, is it a show called?
Yes!
What the fuck? Oh!
About the killer guy.
Yeah!
Oh, you did the who's on first thing to me.
No, I did not!
Yeah, you got me.
Joe, you know-
You could've said it was a show!
You could've just ad- admit to the fact that you were fucking too stupid to have picked up what I was putting down.
No, I didn't.
You had a breadbasket of knowledge put in front of you, and you're a dumb gluten-free idiot. You didn't pick it up.
Shut up. Who's third?
Josh Peck.
Bro!
Listen.
Listen. Listen. And then the other one, I saw the name of the other one-
Did they not see Frank's shirt? You're not gonna put this guy on a list?
Josh Peck! That was my Josh Peck impression.
That? One more time.
Josh Peck!
Frank, that's no one. That's not an impression.
And the other one that was on, uh, was TJ Holmes. This is a good-looking guy.
Who the fuck is that?
I gotta admit, it's a pretty good-looking dude. That, that? That makes sense, that one.
He's got a man's jaw. You know what I mean?
He, he, he's got everything about him, and he's got like a little salt and pepper, like-
I know who you're so horny for that.
Well, I'm not horny for any man. Let's be very honest, real quick.
I'm saying you're horny for men's hair.
I am not full of mirth, okay?
You're, you're mirthy.
No, I am not.
Yes, you are.
I'm girthy, not murthy, okay?
Whoa.
Barely.
But like, listen.
I'm not calling Josh Peck, or Penn Badgley, or, definitely not that guy, ugly.
Right. We just wanna bid.
I just, I, I think this. Imagine, audience, close your eyes. Imagine Drav- Travis and Jason Kelsey.
You're gonna say Imagine Dragons?
Imagine Dragons.
Radioactive.
Lightning in the dunda!
Yeah, yeah. Dunda, duh-duh-dunda.
Yeah. Lightning in the dunda! I can't tell if I love or hate that band.
I don't know what they are. Are they a band? Are they DJs? Are they people?
I don't know. It's an interesting genre.
Have you ever seen Imagine Dragons? And like you could say like, "That's them."
I've seen, I've seen videos of the lead singer.
Can you point, can you point them out in a crowd?
No, I can't point anybody out in a crowd, basically.
Can you point Selena Gomez out in a crowd?
Yes, I can.
Can you point Tyler, the Creator out in a crowd?
Probably, yeah.
Exactly. You can't point out Imagine Dragons, okay? They're like, like, no one really knows what they... How many are there?
Who's the one, not...
How many dragons are there?
You remember, I think there's like five dragons.
Really?
I think so.
Do they play instruments?
Yeah, no, they play instruments.
They do. So they're a band of dragons?
No, they're, yes. They're a band of dragons.
I don't know about this one.
But it's kind of like, not that it's like this, but you remember like, um, what's the name of that band? Gorillaz? Where there's like, oh, they're cartoons.
Keith loved that fucking song.
Dude, that's a good song.
That's all I know.
And he's just like, he looks like every emo kid, like the cartoon is like a cartoon drawing.
Yeah, it's all cartoons.
The kids that spent way too much time at Hot Topic and like, grew up and had a nightmare on Elm Street. No, Nightmare Before Christmas tattoo.
Hmm, that was almost you. Uh, but, wh- why was I even, oh, what were you saying?
Not Imagine Dragons. You said, "Close your eyes, imagine," to people.
Are Imagine Dragons fun?
Fun?
What does that mean? Are they fun?
Are they fun? Like, are they the same?
What the fuck does that even mean?
You gotta be kidding. It's gotta be another bit of yours.
Are they fun?
Are they fun? Like, are they the same? Or are they different?
Who? Frankie.
Imagine Dragons and Fun.
Oh, okay, now I see what you... You, why are you trying to set me up again?
I'm not trying to set you up!
Frank, you know that I would get confused with that! I forget that there's a fucking band named Fun!
Oh, oh, oop, forgive me, fucking... Oh, you're a music mogul?
Frankie-
You're sitting there and you have all the fucking peo- Oh, you don't, don't you dare, big-
You said, "Are Imagine Dragons Fun?"
Are they the same? If I said, "Is Bruce Springsteen Billy Joel?", you would get that right immediately.
Frank, you know that Fun is an adjective. You know that.
I do know that. I, forgive me for thinking-
And no, they're vastly different.
I have a very, very high standard for your intellect. You are clearly just trying to fucking chip away at-
I bet you do.
I'm just saying, are they not the same?
No, absolutely not.
Are you sure?
Frank, they don't even sound similar in the slightest.
Well, one is just a little more like, you know, like, "I'm gonna sing on like a Call of Duty game", and one is like, "I'm gonna sing on like a, you know, Just Dance game." I base most musicians off of where their music-
Clearly, yeah. They're completely different, not even close genres.
Yep.
Haven't heard a Fun song in a while, but they were great.
Well, we know that their big one was tonight, "We Are Young".
That's a banger. What's the one where it's like, "I was doing coke in the bathroom and the Empire State Building's outside", or something like that?
My friend, my, my friend- What was it? It was like-
Doing cocaine!
No, what the fuck? Oh, no, "My, my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State-" What did I say?
My friends are in the bathroom getting- Higher than the Empire State. My lover, she's waiting for me, just across the bar, my- I think that's the "We Are Young" song.
Yeah, I think so, I think so.
Did I ever tell you I saw my dad cry listening to that song?
What? Your Colombian dad, who I've only heard listen to Colombian radio, heard a Fun song and cried? At which part of the song?
It was Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve.
Tonight we are young.
It was Christmas Eve and my dad was driving us. My brothers, my sister and I to, I can't make fun of him too much for this, but I will. Because it's just like the weird parts of being a parent. But we, he was driving us to his brother's house for Christmas Eve because we would spend Christmas Eves with my dad. And it was on and he was driving in the Denali. Windows down, December twenty-fourth. I get that from, I get that from my dad.
I lo- no matter the weather outside, I like the windows down.
But. And we were all in the car, myself, my brothers, my sister, and the song was on. And he was driving us and we're listening to the song, probably singing along to it, and I look over at my dad and he's crying.
Oh, because he's like, my kids are young?
My kids are here and they're singing.
That's amazing.
Crazy, right?
Uh, but yeah, the one of the other fun song.
I don't know, but you told a lot of details just to say your dad cried to a song. You told us the windows were down. What the fuck does that have to do with the story?
Most, I'll be honest, most of my memories in the car with my dad, the windows are down.
I remember-
When I found out that my middle school principal got hit by a bus, we were listening to How We Do by The Game and Fifty Cent, windows down.
Good song, bad principal, by the way.
Bad principal, great song.
Great song.
That was supposed to be the-
So bad, yeah, I know, like, I got it, but it didn't sound like it. Um, was, what was his, he kinda looked like a, like a, not a loohoo, a whoo- Whoville. Whoville. No, no, no, uh, fucking your-
Oh, the principal, yeah, he did, he was a little bastard.
He had like a slicked back hair.
He had slicked back hair and he had a voice. I remember that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he had a squirrely voice.
Squirrely voice. I think he got in trouble for embezzlement. And he got hit by a bus and people cheered.
Yeah, I do remember people cheering.
People cheered.
I remember he yelled at me one time because I went to go like pick you guys up from school, not pick you guys up, but like meet up you guys after school.
Mm-hmm.
And he was like yelling at me. I was like, I don't even go here.
Yeah, oh, whatever, but, um, so what I was getting to, before we got into Imagine Dragons and fun. Close your eyes, audience. Oh, their eyes are still closed. Open them. We've been talking the whole time. Close them again.
No one closed their eyes. It's fine.
Imagine Travis Kelsey.
And Jason Kelsey.
Without having ever played sports at a very competitive level.
And with a couple few dollars. That's us, baby.
A couple less dollars.
Less, yeah, a couple fewer dollars.
That's us.
A big fat couple.
I'm a big burly dad.
So you're Jason.
I'm Jason. I am, we are.
And I'm Travis.
You're Travis. Dude, you look like him when you smile. I'm serious. No, no, no. When you do like your actual smile, that like people could see the resemblance. And if I just had a long beard.
And you were like a hundred pounds heavier of solid muscle. Not a hundred pounds heavier.
Careful, okay? Cause you said solid muscle and you didn't.
No, he's like a fucking, he's yoked.
It's funny that I said that because I just got a
just got a cramp from just shrugging.
Yeah, no. I mean, that's not bad. I mean, you're probably closer to Jason Kelsey than I am to Travis Kelsey.
No, I think.
Frank, I would need to grow a whole foot.
Let's start with that.
Correct. He's only six two, so you are right.
How tall is he?
Nah, he's like six six, I think.
He's gotta be a big guy.
Yeah, he probably, I think he's like six six and like two sixty.
Travis, Travis Kelsey's not two sixty, dude. He's six five, so he's got inches on me.
He's got a whole foot on you. That's crazy.
Shut up.
You said it.
Let's go Travis Kelsey weight. Holy shit, he's two hundred and fifty pounds.
Told ya.
Big guy.
We are the poor man's new heights. We are the old depths.
Poorer, poorer man.
We are old.
Poorer men of them.
We should just call our show.
Old Heights.
Old Depths.
No, Old Shorts.
Depths.
Old Weights.
Height.
Weight.
The opposite of heights are depths.
Valleys?
Peaks. What are you not getting there?
I'm trying out other words.
Old Depths is a great word.
I don't like the word depths.
Why?
And also you're mispronouncing it somehow.
Well, you want it to be mirth?
That's a great word.
It's a pretty good word.
Pretty mirthy.
I'm just saying like. I understand we might not be their level of sexy.
Well, they get it this year. I just want to be on the ballot for 25.
Just like a write-in, like, you know how like, like, people jokingly write in? Yeah, like Harambe got like 6% of votes in Ohio, like.
Just, we just want to see People Magazine, who are our friends at this point in time. We have established a relationship with them.
True.
We have established, I don't need to be called sexy. Make it just like People's.
Guys, just a couple of guys.
Bro.
Two guys.
Two guys, podcast host.
Like, yeah, who won the most, two guys?
Who won the most, like?
We're just guys, we're just guys.
And, and, and, it doesn't need to be like, it doesn't need to say like, the most or anything. It just needs to be this.
This picture, the most.
These guys.
The most.
That could be the, the name of the award. It's like, these guys.
Yes, the most, these guys of podcasts.
We're the most like these guys.
Well, not even just the most like these guys, but the most like those guys.
The most like.
See, that's what we are, I think.
We are.
You know, like, when people are like, oh, do you feel famous or whatever? I'm like, I'm not.
I just feel like.
People go, that guy.
No guy.
You know what I mean?
It's not like, yo, oh my god, Travis Kelsey. It's like, that guy. Oh, it's like, oh, those guys.
That guy.
Those guys.
Oh, you're that guy. That's what I feel like.
Exactly.
I don't feel famous, and I don't define what we are experiencing as fame.
I experience it as just like, oh, you're those guys.
Because anytime someone recognizes me, and they just go like, you're that guy. And yeah, that's what we're experiencing.
So, People Magazine.
Make it, make a.
We'd like to win an award. For something. I don't even care what it is.
It doesn't even need to be a physical award. I doubt anyone's giving a physical award to Jason and Travis Kelsey for being sexy.
I'll stop you there. I'd love a physical award.
Oh, okay, you can have it. I have a physical award to determine how sexy I am, and that is my wife. Now I recant that because she's not an object.
There it is, there it is.
Oh my god, she makes me feel sexy.
Here we go. He said she's, uh, there's, that's, she's property to you.
She is an award, bitch. She is, she is an absolute award that I consider every single day of my life.
You're trying to save it, but you called her an object. Um, wow.
Get him.
Me? Why me? There's other people to get right now.
Get them.
Get other people. There's some other people that might need getting gotted.
We're feeling mirthy today, I think. Can I say that?
That's honestly-
I don't know how to use it.
That sounds a little mean, too.
How to get, how to use mirth? Cheeriness.
I am, I am full of mirth.
So it's like, usage of the word mirth in the 1800s had a moment.
Steady decline, up until 1950, but then it starts moving up.
Are we bringing mirth back?
Well, I don't...
What'd you touch?
That's weird.
It's like, so, but look, you see how it's like, there's a dip. In 1980, it's, no one's mirthing.
Well, everyone was on coke and they wore, they for some reason wore suits and rolled up the sleeves.
But mirth is on the rise, dude.
We can do it.
We have brought back, Joey, look at me, seriously. Look at me.
Look at me. With our show, with our words, we have brought back crap.
I don't know about crap.
Laborious.
That came and went.
We can do-
It had a moment, though.
We brought Red Lobster straight out of bankruptcy, and, don't get, don't get me wrong, I see you guys tagging us and trying to use our juju to bring TGI Fridays out of bankruptcy. TGI Fridays, you need to earn it. Earn it. Earn our, earn it, and we'll get, we'll pull you out, just like we did Red Lobster, and just like we're doing with mirth.
I, I'm, I'm trying to look up laborious, like the usage of that one, and get this chart, because if, if there was a fucking like a then I, then that would be crazy.
I'm just saying, listen, I know people are gonna say, you know, I went to school, I understand the use of statistics, I took classes, quantitative analysis of statistics in criminal justice, this is all stuff that I did study and got a degree in. I just wanna say, yes, causation does not necess, I'm sorry, correlation does not necessarily mean causation, but-
In this situation, we're going to-
We have revived some different stuff.
There's, there's a tick. Give me a tick.
It only goes up to 2019, so that was
When did you think we started using it?
After that.
Yeah, way after that, honestly, but...
Oh, wait, hold on. 1800s to, let me get, let me get to 2023. Oh, oh, 2022?
There's a very steady decline from the year 2010 to 2019, so... But there's no more data.
But I will say that
Data, data, data, data, do you data?
Yes, yes.
What's data?
Data and data, data and data.
But when do you use the one and the other? Data. Data is like computer? Oh, no, that's data.
Data's number, data's computers. Technology's data, nu- numbers is data.
Data? Wait, which one's data?
Don't care. Why are we focusing on this?
Data.
All I'm saying is, the numbers could...
They're promising. We have brought back laborious. Crap. Red lobster. Our words have power, okay?
You know what they say?
Our words?
Our words.
Oh, God.
What? This is a good episode, right?
It's been nice.
It's been fun, it's been fun. Our words
Good, pronounce.
Have power.
Okay?
What do they say? The pen is mightier than the sword, but the tongue can lick them both. Our tongue has revived
Did you make that up?
No, baby. Revived laborious. It is revived crap. Red lobster, TGI Fridays, you have a chance to do something really cool and maybe we'll get on board and help you out here.
TGI Fridays?
Yeah, they just filed for bankruptcy. They're looking
Now people are tagging us, like, you guys know what to do, we need your help here.
I've never even been inside one.
Okay, I have, and I've had some good times in TGI Fridays, so...
Has anyone ever, like, can you lick a sword, by the way?
Can you? Yes, absolutely, you can lick a sword.
I'm not gonna ask how you know that, but...
Think of, think of a sigh. You know what a sigh is?
A mini, like the mini swords that like Raphael has.
Why did you do this?
Cause he holds them like this.
Oh, those things!
Yeah, they has like the, you know, like, yeah, those are called scythes. They're just mini swords. You've never seen like someone like, "Eh, eh, eh, eh."
No, I've never seen them in person either.
You've not played enough Mortal Kombat, babe.
You're right.
Yeah. Um... Because you know who uses scythes in Mortal Kombat. Melina.
Carmen Electra. No.
Well, yeah, well, she's Electra, uh, you know. Well, no, wait a sec. Carmen Electra is the act, the, the model. Electra, who was played...
Did Carmen Electra play her?
No, she was played by Jennifer Garner.
Feels like a missed opportunity.
It was, but also probably not.
Uh, but she has scythes, correct? You know, and she punches sandbags.
She hits sandbags. But then also Melina from Mortal Kombat, who is the, the, the failed clone between...
Too far, too far.
Too much! We're here all day! We're gonna fucking listen!
He doesn't want me to get into the Tarkata Army, but we're not gonna do that today.
The Tarkata?
Tarkat?
Well, depends if we're going pre-Mortal Kombat 1.
Ooh, and we gotta go! Oh, we're outta time! We're outta time! Frank, where can they find you?
Okay. Uh, @albers85 on Twitter, @freakalbers on all the forms of social media. Instagram, TikTok, Bingo Bango, check it out. And then check out Patreon. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. We love that you folks have been helping us grow on there, and we wanna keep growing. So, tell your friends. The holidays are coming up. If you wanna gift a Patreon subscription, that's a great idea. Go check it out. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard.
Yep, and you guys can go follow me at, uh, Joe Santagato. Go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram. And that is all. See you guys next time.
So, pre-Mortal Kombat 1, the Tarkatans were an actual race.
I'm ending it, I'm stopping it.
Page updated November 6, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated