Pod Insights So True with Caleb Hearon Laura Peek Returns About this episode Welcome! This week is the return of the hilarious Laura Peek! Laura and Caleb talk the passage of time, a harrowing encounter on a plane, New York City, being chronically not online, and much more!
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Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud
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So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan. So True is engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.
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Transcript 13,147 words · 6 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.
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1:13 Speaker 02 This is a HeadGum Podcast.
1:16 Speaker 03 Everybody, can I get your attention, please? These shots are on me tonight for no other reason than we're celebrating friendship and being alive. What a gift it is to be on this earth at the same time. Oh my god. Raise your glasses. And then every, the whole restaurant does a shot, I'm gonna cry. The whole restaurant does a shot together, and then they just turn the music back up and everyone keeps eating. Being alive is actually really special.
1:47 Speaker 04 You're getting on in years.
1:48 Speaker 03 You're getting on in years.
1:51 Speaker 03 To be doing basement rooms in New York?
1:53 Speaker 04 I'm not having fun in there and they weren't having fun with me.
1:56 Speaker 03 What happened?
1:57 Speaker 04 Well, I wrote, I wrote a joke. I have like a closer. I don't think I was doing it on the road, but I have a, I have a closer that features very heavily, oh my God, the guy who played Captain Kirk. What's his name? Jesus Christ.
2:07 Speaker 03 William Shatner?
2:08 Speaker 04 William Shatner. It was on the way, the story I told at your, at your live pod about seeing him on a plane.
2:14 Speaker 03 Oh, yes.
2:14 Speaker 04 And he hit that woman and almost killed her.
2:16 Speaker 03 Yes.
2:16 Speaker 04 And so I've turned it and he, she really almost died. And, um, and so I have like a new joke about it. And I've been closing on it. It's a really fun story. I'm midway through that joke and I go, these fucking people don't know who William Shatner is.
2:28 Speaker 03 No.
2:28 Speaker 04 The blank little like hot faces like looking.
2:34 Speaker 03 These 22 year olds.
2:37 Speaker 04 Biggest eyelashes you've ever seen on me.
2:39 Speaker 03 Are out to sea right now.
2:42 Speaker 03 Trying to understand.
2:45 Speaker 04 And you try to play, you try to place him. You're like Captain Kirk. I mean, I don't know any sort of reference that would have been effective for them to understand.
2:52 Speaker 03 No, but that warms my heart that they don't know who he is.
2:54 Speaker 04 It's really cute. It's really cute.
2:56 Speaker 03 And it's also like, good. Let's get some of these people out of the consciousness.
3:00 Speaker 04 Yes, that's true. He's, he's, he's ready to be, well, the thing I didn't say when we were hanging out, because it's too sad, is that he like, he, there was a woman wearing a giant cast and he reached up and gets his overhead luggage and he just like, there was like plenty of time for me to be like, someone's going to give this old man a hand, right? Like someone's going to like help him get it down. And he just lets this sucker rip like from the front, just pulls it like this. First of all, very old looking luggage, like it had a bunch of like tags and shit on it. Where it's like, you're William Shatner. Also, why are you on this Delta flight with me? Whatever. But he just lets it rip and it falls like right on this woman. She had one of these big ass
3:40 Speaker 04 things on. It like connected. You know what I mean? One of those joints like, like she, she got her.
3:46 Speaker 03 Not the cartoon cast.
3:48 Speaker 04 Literally, literally.
3:49 Speaker 03 They don't even do them like that anymore.
3:50 Speaker 04 Anvil dropped on her by a wily coyote. Um, and it hit her on the shoulder and there was like a sound. Like literally like I heard like a crack and her eyes were so full of tears. And it was really devastating and she like turned to me like pleading like and I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I was like, how can I help? And he does the right thing. Initially, he goes like, he goes, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like, okay, good, normal thing to do. And then she didn't immediately hit him with like a, hey, no worries. Cause she was like, I guess he just reshattered her arm.
4:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:20 Speaker 04 And he goes, that painful, huh?
4:29 Speaker 04 And I went, yeah, I think so.
4:33 Speaker 03 I love that. I love that.
4:36 Speaker 04 That painful, huh? Can't even give me a.
4:37 Speaker 03 Damn bitch.
4:41 Speaker 03 Damn bitch. I didn't know you were built so soft.
4:45 Speaker 04 Oh, some pussies on the Delta flight.
4:48 Speaker 03 Get a load of this fucking pansy. Sheesh.
4:52 Speaker 04 It was so brutal. And everybody, I felt everybody on the plane at the same time be like, oh, this guy's a dick. Like, everybody was so shocked. Oh my God, it was crazy.
5:02 Speaker 03 Dude, that is so funny.
5:05 Speaker 04 But I can't say that on stage because people get really sad.
5:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's sad.
5:08 Speaker 04 They're like, I don't want to think of him like that. I'm like, listen, me neither, but.
5:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, I, there's a, there's a, um, I recently had one of my, I do, I would say like, once a week, I get onto TikTok.
5:21 Speaker 04 Right.
5:22 Speaker 03 And do a scroll and like actually watch the videos. And I feel better than most people alive because I only do it once a week. I do, I feel enlightened in a way that's like bordering on narcissistic. Like I feel, when people tell me how often they're on TikTok, I literally am like, you know, I feel so.
5:40 Speaker 04 That painful, huh?
5:41 Speaker 03 But when I'm on there, it manages to serve me some of the most devastating content I've ever seen in my life. And one of the things that served me right now is this trend. I can't remember what song it's to.
5:52 Speaker 04 Oh no.
5:52 Speaker 03 But it's, but it's people being like, how fast 50 years went. And it's a picture, ooh, I'm gonna throw up.
6:04 Speaker 03 It's a picture of them when they're like 22, 23. And then a picture of them now, and they, they look beautiful. It's a, it's a beautiful thing that's happening.
6:13 Speaker 04 Life has happened.
6:15 Speaker 03 But just the idea that I am at one moment staring of a, at a picture of them like that. And then the next at a picture of them like this. And they're, and they're, and oftentimes the captions are even more devastating. Like the captions are like, I have no idea where the time went.
6:31 Speaker 04 Oh, God.
6:34 Speaker 03 What the fuck? Why would you say some shit like that? Lie.
6:39 Speaker 04 Shit like, lie to me.
6:41 Speaker 03 Every minute accounted for.
6:42 Speaker 04 I, I, I remember every single second.
6:44 Speaker 03 Moved slow, had fun, like, lie to us. You have a responsibility to lie to us.
6:51 Speaker 04 Oh, that's brutal. I get a lot of these women in their like 60s being like, I'm 34 and I'm like, it's them going, I didn't figure it out until 45. And I feel the same way. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Tell me it's gonna happen tomorrow, bitch.
7:06 Speaker 03 Fuck you, shut up. I get, I get, I've gotten served recently a couple of different like, like the video is somewhat compelling. And then the comment sections are one of those ones where everyone has an example. And it was nurses being like, it was a nurse being like, you have no idea how many old women in, uh, marriages to men are on, are sicker than they realize. And then when they realize, they say, he was supposed to die before me. I had plans. That they're like, they're like, I can't believe I didn't like leave this man or do the things I wanted to do. And there's nurses in the comments being like, had the same thing, had the same thing.
7:41 Speaker 04 Oh, my God.
7:43 Speaker 03 She thought that she would live longer and she was finally gonna travel.
7:47 Speaker 04 I was gonna go to Copenhagen.
7:49 Speaker 03 Yo, what the fuck?
7:52 Speaker 04 That's so devastating.
7:54 Speaker 03 Old people, we really need to start monitoring the kind of shit they say.
7:56 Speaker 04 I, I, I need to, I need to approve. I need to approve what goes on in front of my eyes.
8:01 Speaker 03 I don't care if it's homophobic, sexist, fatphobic. Say whatever you want in those regards, but when it comes to like harrowing tales of the passage of time.
8:08 Speaker 04 Of life having been not lived to its fullest.
8:12 Speaker 03 Go ahead and shut it up for me.
8:15 Speaker 04 Cheryl, I don't need to hear about that. Tell me you hate your day, son.
8:18 Speaker 03 Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.
8:23 Speaker 04 Hit me with the wah-wah, Cheryl. Hit me with the wah-wah.
8:26 Speaker 03 Baby, you can't be talking like that with me.
8:29 Speaker 04 Hit the Helen Keller is crazy.
8:33 Speaker 03 You remember that song?
8:33 Speaker 04 Yes, dude.
8:35 Speaker 03 The Helen Keller and talk with your hips?
8:38 Speaker 03 Don't be talking to me about the passage of time.
8:42 Speaker 04 On my internet.
8:44 Speaker 03 And regrets held close.
8:47 Speaker 04 There was one that I saw just, just like yesterday, and you're right, you are better than, because I'll get on, I mean, days of my fucking life spent, just, maybe the next one will be good, you know, just horrific. Uh, but there was one that I saw and it was like a young man, young, hot British guy asking like older women what their regrets were. And it was the first one, she's like, I wouldn't have gotten married so young. And I'm like, for sure, yeah, you needed the time to figure out your life. By the fifth one saying that exact thing, I was like, okay, move on.
9:17 Speaker 03 Hey, give me a fucking break.
9:18 Speaker 04 We get it, bitch.
9:21 Speaker 03 That is so fucking funny.
9:22 Speaker 04 It's wild.
9:23 Speaker 03 Oh, my God.
9:24 Speaker 04 Have you seen what's, what's blowing my mind? I was thinking about this yesterday on TikTok is, um, like people that are like my age, like mid, early mid 30s, early.
9:35 Speaker 03 Please, early, please.
9:37 Speaker 04 Early, if you're, early, if you're nasty. Um, but it's them doing the like aged filter.
9:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:43 Speaker 04 And then being like, what people thought I'd look like at 35. And then they do that horrible sound. And then they take the filter off and they look like, you know, definitely more youthful.
9:53 Speaker 03 They're 38. But, but not 50, so.
9:56 Speaker 04 Exactly. And it's people being, it's, it's every single comment is people being like, you're supposed to take the filter off, queen. Like being so mean to them.
10:07 Speaker 04 So mean. And I'm like, it's always like young women doing it. I'm like, hey, girl, he's like, we got a caucus about this. This is so cruel.
10:13 Speaker 03 This is not working out. I feel bad because that has happened to me for so long now, just by being a person on the internet.
10:21 Speaker 04 Yeah.
10:21 Speaker 03 I get it. Like, I got it when I first started posting videos on the internet, not even doing like, I wasn't doing like, bet you didn't think I looked this good. Like, I wasn't doing like, age reveal challenges. I was doing like jokes.
10:32 Speaker 04 Yes, I was being a comedian.
10:33 Speaker 03 So I feel bad for these like pedestrians that are like, oh, I'm about to, like, I'm about to serve with this one. And then they get ripped to goddamn shreds. I'm like, you haven't trained.
10:44 Speaker 04 You gotta do, gotta exercise.
10:46 Speaker 03 It's like you're on Everest and your Sherpa just died. Like, you have no clue the storm that's coming for you.
10:54 Speaker 03 It's really scary.
10:55 Speaker 04 He froze.
10:56 Speaker 03 He froze. And now what?
10:58 Speaker 04 And now what? What are you gonna do? You're not making it out of here.
11:00 Speaker 03 Dude, they find people up there. People be thawed out up there.
11:03 Speaker 04 There's a lot of talk about this recently.
11:05 Speaker 03 Really?
11:06 Speaker 04 People getting like stranded on and being like, I paid, because I forget that you pay a lot of money to do that.
11:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, because it's foolish.
11:12 Speaker 04 Because it's so stupid and you don't belong up there and no one does.
11:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:14 Speaker 04 Um, but it's people being like, I'm about to freeze to death and I paid $70,000 to do this.
11:21 Speaker 03 And you've played the fool.
11:22 Speaker 04 And you, and you, and you're wearing a little dunce cap or two. Put your little dunce cap on you. You're a dunce monfrere.
11:29 Speaker 03 God.
11:30 Speaker 04 You're a damn dunce monfrere.
11:32 Speaker 03 Not for nothing, but like, they're, they're, they like hire these locals to go on suicide missions for them, for their vacation.
11:37 Speaker 04 1,000%.
11:38 Speaker 03 They're like, oh yeah, this old Nepalese man is gonna risk his life for this 270th time to take me up there.
11:44 Speaker 04 For, for Jenny.
11:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's like, you didn't need to go up there.
11:47 Speaker 04 For Jenny who's having a little bit of a midlife crisis.
11:50 Speaker 03 What cracks me up is there's so many places on earth we're just so clearly not supposed to go. And the evidence is in how hard it is to get there.
11:56 Speaker 04 Deep ocean, highest peaks.
11:58 Speaker 03 Sky.
11:58 Speaker 04 Sky, big sky. Stupid.
12:00 Speaker 03 Anyone, anyone who gets on a plane, if something happens to us.
12:04 Speaker 04 Wait, I'm sorry. I wasn't gonna go.
12:07 Speaker 03 We asked for it. We're not supposed to be up there.
12:09 Speaker 04 What was he gonna go just flying?
12:10 Speaker 03 Flying is crazy. Laura, we're not supposed to be up there.
12:14 Speaker 04 Caleb's like, I have no sympathy for anyone who's ever died in a plane crash.
12:21 Speaker 03 On a certain level, like, we keep going places we're not supposed to go.
12:25 Speaker 04 I know.
12:25 Speaker 03 The submersible, why'd you go down there?
12:27 Speaker 04 Oh, I mean, and, okay, the unity that our country had for 20 seconds after that happened was really beautiful.
12:32 Speaker 03 You're, you're truly meeting God and doing one of these in his face?
12:36 Speaker 04 You're jacking off in God's visage.
12:39 Speaker 03 You get, truly, you get what you deserve down there.
12:43 Speaker 04 Do you feel, do you feel unnatural every time you're in the sky? You're, because you're a sky boy.
12:47 Speaker 03 I don't think about it anymore.
12:49 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:49 Speaker 03 But the first 100 times I flew, of course.
12:53 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:53 Speaker 03 I'm grabbing the seat like this.
12:55 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:56 Speaker 03 I'm getting arthritic knuckles. I'm grabbing that shit for dear life.
12:59 Speaker 04 I'm telling people next to me that I love them.
13:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:01 Speaker 04 I'm sad, I'm saying, so I'm confessing my sins.
13:03 Speaker 03 And I was, I was flying as like a fat teenager with no money, so I was flying most basic economy, middle seat.
13:09 Speaker 04 Right.
13:10 Speaker 03 And just, uh, business, business people rolling their eyes and sighing when I sidled up terrified.
13:17 Speaker 04 Hey, if they're so business, get into business class, bitch.
13:19 Speaker 03 I'm saying get a better job or something, because I'm fat, I'm young, and I'm scared.
13:23 Speaker 04 And I'm in the middle.
13:26 Speaker 03 I'm taking up both armrests and I might puke.
13:29 Speaker 04 I'm falling asleep, I'm gonna drool.
13:30 Speaker 03 Do you have a fucking question?
13:32 Speaker 04 Do you have something you wanted to say to me?
13:33 Speaker 03 I'm young, fat, and horrified.
13:34 Speaker 04 He's asleep. Did you have something you wanted to say to me?
13:37 Speaker 03 Wake up.
13:38 Speaker 04 I can feel your energy, bitch.
13:39 Speaker 03 Say something to me.
13:41 Speaker 04 Wake up and say something.
13:43 Speaker 03 Wake up and say something to me. Say something, I'm giving up on you. Oh, God, yeah.
13:50 Speaker 04 I don't, I, I, something happened, and maybe it's just frequency of, of flying, but something happened to me where I've been experiencing, like, real turbulence lately in my life, no, in the sky, and I will go, I just, I, it doesn't, nothing happens to me.
14:07 Speaker 03 Hora, hora.
14:08 Speaker 04 Am I suicidal?
14:08 Speaker 03 No, I, well, okay, we'll talk about that, but, uh, the passive suicidal ideation is real, we'll talk, but I have to tell you, I was just telling these guys earlier, I, I, there, I did find a TikTok on my weekly scroll the other day.
14:20 Speaker 04 Yes.
14:20 Speaker 03 That has like, I've decided it's gonna fundamentally inform the way I live my life.
14:24 Speaker 04 Okay.
14:24 Speaker 03 And I love when I find one of these, it's this guy walking down the street and he goes, I really can't stop thinking about it, he goes, man, the older I get, the more I realize.
14:37 Speaker 04 I'm joining whatever church he's running. I love that.
14:41 Speaker 03 Cause wait.
14:42 Speaker 04 Pastor, hello.
14:43 Speaker 03 It really is like that. That is, I'm literally every day I'm getting closer and I feel like that's actually Nirvana.
14:49 Speaker 04 That's, it's so true. It's like you don't, I keep thinking, I keep waiting for like wisdom to come to me.
14:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:55 Speaker 04 And I don't think it's that. I think you fucking care less.
14:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:58 Speaker 04 I think you just start to care a little bit less.
15:00 Speaker 03 You literally have to go.
15:02 Speaker 04 Hell.
15:03 Speaker 03 What am I gonna do?
15:04 Speaker 04 Who knows?
15:05 Speaker 03 I'm gonna worry? Shit.
15:08 Speaker 03 It's the same, every, every religion has some maxim for this. I'm choosing pishe, but.
15:14 Speaker 04 You can't slow it down like that.
15:17 Speaker 03 I'm choosing that, but in Christianity, it's like God's ways are higher. It's like.
15:21 Speaker 04 Yeah.
15:21 Speaker 03 Everyone has some statement that's like, fuck it.
15:24 Speaker 04 Yes. Give it up to God.
15:25 Speaker 03 Can't be worried about that.
15:26 Speaker 04 Lay it at God's feet.
15:27 Speaker 03 And I'm sure other religions have one too, but I'm not worried about that or knowing that. So I'm just gonna stick with Christianity and this TikTok.
15:34 Speaker 04 And pshe.
15:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:38 Speaker 03 Tell me it's not real though.
15:40 Speaker 04 I mean, yeah, I think that's, I'm learning that so much too.
15:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:43 Speaker 04 But fuck it. Literally fuck it.
15:44 Speaker 03 Literally fuck it.
15:45 Speaker 04 I know. It's, it's very liberating.
15:47 Speaker 03 How you doing?
15:48 Speaker 04 Not good.
15:54 Speaker 03 Are you not?
15:54 Speaker 04 No, I'm fine. I, I am, um, I am, I was thinking about this this morning. I was trying to write it down. But I'm like, I'm waiting. Okay. Here's what I was thinking today. I'm waiting for some sort of, um, wisdom to come to me, like I said.
16:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:10 Speaker 04 I, I'm realizing that my image of myself, my perception of myself is based on the last thing I heard about myself.
16:17 Speaker 03 Okay.
16:18 Speaker 04 At 34.
16:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:19 Speaker 04 It's based on like, you're a fat bitch. You're like, I'm a fat bitch. And it lasts for like hours until, until one of my friends is like, you're a good friend. And I'm like, I'm a great friend.
16:30 Speaker 03 I just beat the fat bitch allegations. I've moved into great friend. Yep. And in that moment, I shed the weight. Wait, do you know?
16:41 Speaker 03 Do you know what I was talking to a friend about the other day? It's so much more insane to say the when it comes to weight loss.
16:48 Speaker 04 The weight.
16:49 Speaker 03 She lost the weight.
16:50 Speaker 04 The weight.
16:50 Speaker 03 Like the weight is so like, whoa.
16:53 Speaker 04 That's like, that's boomer mom.
16:55 Speaker 03 That's so funny.
16:56 Speaker 04 That's so. She lost all the weight.
16:58 Speaker 03 She lost a hundred pounds is different than she lost that weight.
17:00 Speaker 04 She's lost some weight. She lost the weight.
17:03 Speaker 03 Are you gonna keep off the weight?
17:05 Speaker 04 It's the weight we all know about. It's the only weight I've ever thought about is your weight.
17:08 Speaker 03 Capital W. Yeah, we've all carried it for you in many ways. The weight is so funny.
17:14 Speaker 04 She's just sighed so hard. We've all carried it for you, by the way. I've been shouldering the weight of yours.
17:20 Speaker 03 And it's that that transfers to other things as well. Like if you're like, you're like, oh, she's, um, you know, she's, she's, uh, she's out there fighting with her husband. She's out there fighting with the husband.
17:30 Speaker 04 Ooh, the, this is.
17:32 Speaker 03 The really changes things.
17:34 Speaker 04 It does. This is, this is readings very southern to me.
17:37 Speaker 03 You know what I mean?
17:38 Speaker 04 Yeah, she's out there with her husband.
17:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:40 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she's, she's been, she's been having some of the drink.
17:43 Speaker 03 The drink. Yes. The drink.
17:47 Speaker 04 She's been smoking the pot.
17:48 Speaker 03 She's been, she's on that stuff.
17:50 Speaker 04 The stuff.
17:51 Speaker 03 The stuff. The really transforms something.
17:54 Speaker 04 Because it may like.
17:55 Speaker 03 Makes it out like a proper noun.
17:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's like, it's making it singular.
17:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:58 Speaker 04 In that you've never thought about it in any other context than this.
18:01 Speaker 03 There's no other weight. There's no other husband.
18:03 Speaker 04 I'm, I don't have a corporeal form.
18:05 Speaker 03 No.
18:05 Speaker 04 You have the weight.
18:07 Speaker 03 You have the problem.
18:10 Speaker 03 She doesn't just have diabetes. She's got the diabetes.
18:13 Speaker 04 Okay, the diabetes hits.
18:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:15 Speaker 04 That's great. She's got the beedies.
18:17 Speaker 03 She's got the beedies.
18:18 Speaker 04 The Warren beedies.
18:19 Speaker 03 God, dude. But I'm sorry, you were saying, you're waiting for wisdom. It's not coming.
18:22 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah, I'm waiting for wisdom. It's not coming. I'm just generally, I'm, I'm going to have to either get much more medicated than I am.
18:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:29 Speaker 04 Or just passively accept that it's, it's not good.
18:34 Speaker 03 You seem so good.
18:35 Speaker 04 I know, I know. Well, that's the thing is that I'm, I, I do feel like most people who are ill able to present. And, and the only thing that brings me joy is this.
18:45 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:45 Speaker 04 So it's like, I have no inner life.
18:52 Speaker 04 Sorry, everyone. I have nothing. There's nothing going on up here. It's hellish up here.
18:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:56 Speaker 04 But people are my favorite thing in the world.
18:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:59 Speaker 04 I really do love other people.
19:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:00 Speaker 04 And so what brings me any amount of joy is bringing joy to others and having joy brought to me by.
19:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, participating in joy, yeah.
19:09 Speaker 04 Yes, but I, but in, but I go home and I'm like, just turn off.
19:13 Speaker 03 Turn off.
19:14 Speaker 04 Yes.
19:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:15 Speaker 04 A hundred percent. I'm trying to figure it out. I was, I, I've been thinking a lot about how I would like to, you know how people are like, you know, I'm fine on the outside, but on the inside, I'm losing it. You hear that a lot?
19:25 Speaker 03 It's like some shit that someone, like someone you went to high school with posted on Facebook at 3 a.m.
19:29 Speaker 04 Yes, exactly. He'll post it.
19:30 Speaker 03 It's like a black and blue hued print of like a werewolf tearing through a.
19:34 Speaker 04 A bit, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:36 Speaker 03 Of like a moon. And it's like, you have no idea what's inside of me.
19:40 Speaker 04 It's, it's a little duck and it's like, you know, its feet are working really hard.
19:47 Speaker 04 I'm calm up top, but at the bottom, I'm just.
19:49 Speaker 03 Is that you? Are you the duck?
19:51 Speaker 04 I'm the little duck whose feet are working too hard and the feet are my brain. And I feed her brain. But I've been thinking so much about how much I'd like to reverse that.
19:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:59 Speaker 04 Like, I would love to be totally at peace on the inside, but losing my fucking mind.
20:04 Speaker 03 That's Lisa Trager.
20:08 Speaker 03 You just described Lisa Trager.
20:09 Speaker 04 She has so much inner peace.
20:11 Speaker 03 She's spouting off at truly, she, what did she tell me? She goes, I was catching up with her the other day. She came over to my house and she goes, um, she goes, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm a little crazy. I went off on a man at the Delta Lounge. She had just like come from the airport.
20:24 Speaker 04 Flawless impression, by the way. That's exactly, I'm sorry. I'm just looking in every direction.
20:29 Speaker 03 I went off on a man at the Delta Lounge. And I go, what'd he do? She goes, well, he did nothing wrong, but in the moment.
20:37 Speaker 04 I live for her. She, you're absolutely right, though. She has such, I remember posting, I was like having problems with drinking, lol. And, um.
20:45 Speaker 03 LOL at my problems with drinking, of course.
20:47 Speaker 04 I have to have my famous problems.
20:48 Speaker 03 Well, you know, she's got that drinking habit.
20:50 Speaker 04 She's got, she's, she loves the drink.
20:51 Speaker 03 She loves the drink.
20:52 Speaker 04 She goes in for the drink. She's in for a penny, in for a pound on the drink.
20:56 Speaker 03 Baby.
20:58 Speaker 04 But I posted something to my close friends and it was like just after I had gotten kind of close with Lisa, I just added her to the list.
21:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:04 Speaker 04 And I had spent time with her and I, I like posted something about being like, really in my feelings, obviously, being like, how is everyone dealing with this? How is everyone dealing with addiction in my life that I love? Because I know we're all kind of struggling. She sent the most thoughtful.
21:17 Speaker 03 Yes.
21:18 Speaker 04 Like two paragraph response being like, you're, you have to stop beating yourself up about it. That's the first thing you have to do.
21:24 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:24 Speaker 04 Is stop experiencing so much shame about it. And then you see her online and she's like, well, I punched a man.
21:33 Speaker 03 She was going off, she was going off on a comedy club the other day online.
21:37 Speaker 04 The Blue Room screwed her.
21:38 Speaker 03 They did. And when she was doing it, she was like, I'm the worst person to try and do this to. And I'm like, the self-awareness of, you are.
21:44 Speaker 04 I'm gonna yap.
21:45 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:45 Speaker 04 I'm gonna yap about it.
21:47 Speaker 03 God, I love her.
21:47 Speaker 04 She, what is, I, you have a, I'm sorry to, to a little meta to talk about your pod inside your pod, but what did she say? You were like, what do you know about yourself? And she was like, I'm conspiratorial.
21:55 Speaker 03 Oh. Oh, it's one of my favorite moments of the podcast that I just completely unprompted. I was like, I was like, Lisa, what do you think your red flags are? Without missing a beat, she goes, uh, I'm conspiratorial, I fly off the handle, I'm confrontational. Like she really just listened. And every one of them, I was like, yeah.
22:11 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:11 Speaker 03 And I love you to death. She's one of, she's one of probably four close friends that genuinely listens to every episode of this show.
22:19 Speaker 04 That's so sweet.
22:20 Speaker 03 And this will bring her so much joy.
22:21 Speaker 04 Oh my God, we love you, Lisa. She's one of my favorite people on the planet.
22:24 Speaker 03 Her, uh, Katie Crutchfield, um, Doyle, I think our friend Doyle.
22:31 Speaker 04 Mm-hmm.
22:32 Speaker 03 Um, and one or two other people that I'm sure I'm forgetting that texts me like weekly being like, oh my God.
22:38 Speaker 04 Loved it this week.
22:38 Speaker 03 This week's episode when they said this. Like, they're really listening.
22:41 Speaker 04 You've got, you have cultivated, you've got friends.
22:44 Speaker 03 I have.
22:45 Speaker 04 You've got friends.
22:45 Speaker 03 I have stolen, I have stolen from the universe.
22:49 Speaker 04 It's crazy.
22:50 Speaker 03 And kept too many riches when it comes to friends.
22:53 Speaker 04 He's sitting on a big
22:55 Speaker 03 I've gotten so lucky. I've gotten so lucky with people. This is like the biggest gift of my life. Yeah.
22:59 Speaker 04 No, you cultivate it. It's not luck. It's like you care about people.
23:03 Speaker 03 Not really. I'm bad to these people. You should see the way I am to Chance behind the scenes.
23:08 Speaker 04 I have a feeling that you're really cruel. Is that right?
23:13 Speaker 03 I am contractually obligated by Legitimate Business Empire LLC to say nothing. Yeah.
23:18 Speaker 04 You can't see it. He's off mic. His hands are tied behind his back.
23:22 Speaker 03 Well, he works better that way. He focuses up.
23:24 Speaker 04 If you have, if you use your faculties like that, your brains work at extra time. That's right? It's like when you're blind and you can smell really good.
23:30 Speaker 03 Sometimes I blindfold him. Sometimes I put a big cartoon clip on his nose. I take away other senses so that he can
23:36 Speaker 04 Really walk in.
23:37 Speaker 03 Podcast produce. We call it playtime. Yeah.
23:40 Speaker 04 Oh my God, you're enrichment. Enrichment in your closure.
23:44 Speaker 03 Don't give him too much attention.
23:45 Speaker 04 I'm sorry. He loves it too much. He's smiling a lot.
23:47 Speaker 03 He starts to crash out.
23:50 Speaker 04 My, my, my sweet, fully offline husband the other day.
23:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:54 Speaker 04 We're moving. We've, I will say this, one thing keeping me in LA a little bit. We just found a truly glorious apartment in Los Angeles.
24:00 Speaker 03 I love that. What's the address?
24:02 Speaker 04 So good.
24:04 Speaker 03 I love asking people for their address.
24:06 Speaker 04 Oh, I, I really, I was trying to go with the bit. I said it.
24:10 Speaker 03 Obviously Chance is making a note of that will be.
24:13 Speaker 04 Chance, untie your hands and make a note of that. Um, no, but it's so beautiful. But he's, he's, he's terminally offline, like has never, I remember we were in college. He had a girlfriend that made him a Facebook profile in like 2009. And the moment they broke up, he was like, I'm gonna delete it. I don't care. But it just cares not at all to be on it.
24:31 Speaker 03 Need him.
24:31 Speaker 04 And you know what? I wax poetic about it and I brag about it. He's never said a fucking word. He goes, yeah.
24:35 Speaker 03 Yeah. Need him. I need him.
24:38 Speaker 04 He's the love of my fucking life.
24:40 Speaker 03 I need a man who's never seen a screen.
24:42 Speaker 04 He doesn't even know. He's never seen a television show.
24:45 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:46 Speaker 04 I don't let him watch movies.
24:47 Speaker 03 Yeah. I love that.
24:49 Speaker 04 But he, the other day, he had been like, um, like traveling from one place to the other or finishing packing, whatever. And he's like, yeah, I got really tired and I just, I went home and I just crashed out. And I was like, that's not what that
25:07 Speaker 04 I was like, you pitched a fit, like you had like a meltdown. He was like, no, I went to sleep.
25:11 Speaker 03 Oh, I love him.
25:12 Speaker 04 It was so cute. I didn't even tell him. I didn't even tell him he's gonna hear this for the first time. I just went home and crashed. I pictured him being like, fuck this.
25:21 Speaker 03 Throwing tables and shit.
25:22 Speaker 04 I hate moving.
25:24 Speaker 03 God, I love him. He's so real.
25:27 Speaker 04 He's the realest man I know. I went home and just totally crashed out, just honk, shoo, me, me, me, me.
25:33 Speaker 03 He's got a little candle on a plate.
25:35 Speaker 04 Little, little, little hat.
25:38 Speaker 04 Really long nightgown. Are you happy internally?
25:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:44 Speaker 04 No.
25:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, I am.
25:45 Speaker 04 I can tell. I can feel your peace.
25:46 Speaker 03 I am, but I've talked about this a little bit on here recently. The struggle, I think, is I, I don't, is trying to disabuse ourselves. I think a lot of us have this idea that there, there are happy people and then there are unhappy people.
25:58 Speaker 04 That's so, yes.
25:59 Speaker 03 That happy is a type of person.
26:00 Speaker 04 It's not a binary thing.
26:01 Speaker 03 That is not real. Happy is not a type of person. Happy is a feeling that you can experience. And if you set your life up, if you're lucky and you set your life up in a good way and you really pursue it, you can experience the feeling of happiness more often.
26:15 Speaker 04 Yes.
26:15 Speaker 03 And if, and if the ratio is bet, good, you will, you will think of yourself as a happy person and that's great. But that, happy people are not real. I am a person and I try to experience happiness as much as I can. And I do experience a lot of happiness, but I also experience frustration, burnout.
26:32 Speaker 04 Depression, lows.
26:33 Speaker 03 Exhaustion, depression, anxiety. I experience the full range of human emotions, thank God.
26:38 Speaker 04 Which is great.
26:38 Speaker 03 Which is great.
26:39 Speaker 04 The point of being alive.
26:40 Speaker 03 Yeah. And, and I think part of experiencing happiness at the most that you can is knowing how to deal with when you're frustrated, when you're tired, when you're exhausted, when you're depressed and just going, yeah, that's okay. Today I'm depressed or today I'm being moody or today I'm not the most fun to be around or today I'm quiet. And you just go, okay, I'll let that go on for an hour or I'll let that go on for a day and tomorrow it'll be better.
27:03 Speaker 04 Fleeting. Yes.
27:06 Speaker 03 Yeah, you have to treat the bad stuff just like the good stuff. Like it won't be here forever and that's okay.
27:09 Speaker 04 Can you, will you come talk me to sleep at night?
27:12 Speaker 03 Yes, I will. And it's gonna be so bad for you.
27:15 Speaker 04 It's gonna be terrible.
27:16 Speaker 03 It's gonna be bad for you. I was gonna say, one thing, do you spend a lot of time alone?
27:21 Speaker 04 I really like to be alone.
27:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:23 Speaker 04 And I cultivate alone time a lot.
27:26 Speaker 03 What are you doing in this alone time?
27:28 Speaker 04 Um, I'm pretending to write.
27:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:30 Speaker 04 Most of it, um, and then I'm just crashing out.
27:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:34 Speaker 04 No, it's not so bad. I, I, I do, I cultivate a lot of experiences by myself. I go to movies by myself. I go to dinner by myself. I, I go on extremely long walks every day of my life.
27:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:43 Speaker 04 And I'm trying my best to, to, to adopt that mentality of just being like, every emotion you have is fleeting. I, I feel like I'm grasping that, but when happy, when I do experience true happiness and joy, it's impossible for me to think about it as anything other than like momentary and that I don't deserve it. I have a, I have a deep amount of shame.
28:04 Speaker 03 Yes.
28:05 Speaker 04 Not sure where it came. I don't, I'm Catholic. I don't know.
28:07 Speaker 03 Do you think? Really? Why, why, why?
28:09 Speaker 04 I, I don't know. I was thinking about it the other day. I, I have living parents who are in love together and love me very much. There is no reason for me to have the amount of just like in, like truly inherent guilt and shame that I have. But it is the, the thrum of my entire existence is a low sense of really intense self hatred. Sorry.
28:32 Speaker 03 Did you, don't be sorry. This is very interesting. Did you, did you grow up Catholic?
28:35 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:35 Speaker 03 I mean, that's almost has to be it.
28:38 Speaker 04 It literally, it literally has to be. It literally has to be.
28:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:41 Speaker 04 But, but it wasn't, I'll say it wasn't like, it definitely in the home, that was not imparted on me. This was not like an insanely religious household in which everything, in which, you know, everything was a sin and everything you do is wrong.
28:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:53 Speaker 04 And school, I was, I was barely paying attention to that. I wasn't, I, you know, I wasn't even really taking that in. So I do wonder where it was, where it got really deep in there. But like, I will harp on and, and just, I will harp on any mistake longer than I have any right to, and really lash myself over it for a really long time.
29:13 Speaker 03 And the feeling, uh, when you're happy is that you don't deserve it.
29:17 Speaker 04 Yeah, immediately.
29:18 Speaker 03 Cause I don't, I don't have that, but I, and I'm, and I'm trying to understand that as you're saying it. I have, uh, when I'm, when I'm happy, I, that I can't hold on to it.
29:28 Speaker 04 See.
29:28 Speaker 03 And that makes me sad.
29:30 Speaker 04 Yes.
29:30 Speaker 03 And so there will often be times where I'm quite happy where I have to fight this, this creeping emotion of like, oh, this is gonna, tomorrow's not gonna be like this. You have to wake up tomorrow and do things you don't wanna do.
29:39 Speaker 04 Yes.
29:39 Speaker 03 You're gonna be sad again next week. Like there's this, there's this voice when I'm happy that's like. You can't hold on to this, isn't that sad? You may as well ruin this as well.
29:47 Speaker 04 Yes.
29:47 Speaker 03 And I just push, I fight that and go, no, you're not real. You're fake, get the fuck out of here.
29:51 Speaker 04 Yes, and I'm gonna enjoy my moment.
29:53 Speaker 03 The idea of not deserving it is so interesting.
29:54 Speaker 04 Well, I think so much of my, like, I have tied a lot of my, this is like career, weird career stuff too. But I have tied a lot of my happiness to what I consider to be success. And so I'm like, which is very toxic and I'm trying, I'm unlearning that. I'm talking about it a lot in therapy these days.
30:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:11 Speaker 04 But like, like big opportunities, things that I've really wanted, I go, yeah, it's a fluke. Like you do not deserve that. Like, like truly will talk myself out of being excited about it.
30:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:22 Speaker 04 At, at every stage of the process. And then as it's happening and as I'm meeting the moment and doing what I came there to do and, and, and doing a good job. I'm like, there you go. But that's seven minutes long. It's, it is, it's very, the, the, the place, and this is lame, but I, the place that I experienced the most true and lasting joy is in my relationship. And, and he, he is the least neurotic person alive and gives me a real sense of like, you deserve to be okay.
30:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:49 Speaker 04 But outside of that, honey?
30:51 Speaker 03 I, that, yeah, that's.
30:53 Speaker 04 We don't want it tied to the man.
30:55 Speaker 03 That's really good for you though.
30:56 Speaker 04 You could have a heart attack, you know what I mean?
30:57 Speaker 03 He could, he could, but you have it now. You have it now, and that's really nice.
31:03 Speaker 04 It is, it is.
31:04 Speaker 03 Thank God for that.
31:05 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.
31:19 Speaker 04 No, but you're right that it's like, I have to understand it as fleeting, but also very beautiful and important. That's all I need to know. That's a very good way to look.
31:27 Speaker 03 And also like with the career stuff, like, I don't know.
31:29 Speaker 04 Yeah, where are you at with that?
31:32 Speaker 03 I just don't, I don't think of it in terms of deserving. I don't think of it in terms of, I don't know, I just think like, I, I don't deserve the life I have. You know what I mean? I feel very lucky for it, but I don't, I don't think, cause deserve, I, to me, in my own estimation, deserving a very good life would imply that people deserve bad lives.
31:51 Speaker 04 Yes, wow, yes, the opposite has to be true, yeah.
31:53 Speaker 03 And I don't think that people deserve bad lives.
31:55 Speaker 04 Very good point, no one does.
31:56 Speaker 03 I think some people, I, I would like to see some people that, uh, have done bad things, get some, um, unfortunately, there's a part of me that wants to see them punished, which is not productive.
32:06 Speaker 04 If Pete Hexteth got hit by a train today, I'd be like, okay.
32:08 Speaker 03 I, look, I would say, what are we having for lunch? You know what I mean? Like I would move on pretty quickly from that news. But I think, yeah, I think, uh, just not think, trying not to think of it as deserving. And also like, I think I think about a lot that brings me great peace that used to bring me a lot of not peace is no, nobody, after enough time, nobody is going to remember what any of us did.
32:27 Speaker 04 Isn't that fabulous?
32:28 Speaker 03 None of us.
32:29 Speaker 04 Isn't that liberating?
32:30 Speaker 03 The most famous person on earth right now and the least famous person on earth right now. Or, and, and all the other descriptors, most rich, least rich, like, everything you can think of about us with enough passage of time. This solar system is going to crash into another solar system and create an amount of energy that will destroy every living thing. And, and none of, the only thing that will have mattered is that whether or not we had a nice time and were nice to each other. And even kind of frankly, not that, but I hold on to that one for fun. You know what I mean?
32:58 Speaker 04 I am gonna.
33:02 Speaker 04 I'm hanging on by a thread. It's gonna make me cry.
33:05 Speaker 03 Title of the episode being, "I tell my mentally ill friend that nothing matters."
33:10 Speaker 03 Her reaction live.
33:13 Speaker 03 I don't know, do you find it comforting or is that sad?
33:14 Speaker 04 No, I love that. I love that. That, I mean, no, that really does bring me comfort. And the idea, I mean, okay, make your mark. It's huge. We're having a ton of fun. I do, I am able in the, in the very moment to totally believe and understand that.
33:28 Speaker 03 Yes.
33:29 Speaker 04 I just, I, I, no, that brings me a ton of comfort. I, I just have to, I have to quiet my own mind. And it, and it, I suffer a lot from like racing thoughts. I suffer a lot from, from whatever this like shame built in thing is. But you're right. You're so right. Like it won't, young people don't know who William Shatner is. You know what I mean?
33:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:45 Speaker 04 And he's the most famous person who's ever lived. Yes. I thought you were about to say he's president of the United States.
33:49 Speaker 03 He's president of the United States. No, but you know what I do think of?
33:52 Speaker 04 Hmm.
33:52 Speaker 03 It brings me peace sometimes too in Korea to think of like, okay, so we're in a culture, we're in a subculture of comics and famous people and actors and whatever. We're a part of that scene.
34:02 Speaker 04 Yeah.
34:03 Speaker 03 And sometimes when I think about like, the kings of little fiefdoms near where I grew up, like the, the guy who's like, he's like chair of the school board in every, in every restaurant he walks into.
34:13 Speaker 04 Big dicks swinging everywhere.
34:16 Speaker 03 And I laugh because I'm like, this doesn't matter. And every person buying into this is so fucking silly. And then I look at myself and go, same to you, my friends.
34:28 Speaker 03 You are not better than that.
34:30 Speaker 04 You're walking into the Applebee's with your hog out.
34:33 Speaker 03 You are acting, you are acting like the school board president in Lynn County, Missouri.
34:39 Speaker 03 And anyone who's allowing you to act like that is just as foolish. It's not different.
34:43 Speaker 04 It's so true. He's getting the fajita platter and everybody knows it.
34:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's like the like status and the like pursuit and I'm trying, I try so hard not to be in pursuit of influencer status. But like, I, I think a good thing to think about is like, if you can look at another group of people who are so tied up in their own little power structure. And then look at whatever yours is, whether it's your office job, or your group of friends, or your theater group, or whatever. And just go, I'm as silly as them. Knock it off.
35:09 Speaker 04 A 100%. I'm as much a goose as any part. One of my friends said to me one time, my friend Katie was like, there is nothing, there is nothing more dangerous than like perceived power in like a small environment. You know, like, it really will drive you absolutely bonkers. And I think about the different stages of my life and who I ascribed that to, like you're saying, the school bird, right? It's like who I, who I gave that status to, all of them hilarious. All, absolutely all of them hilarious. The dude that I wanted to like me, the, the people at my school that I thought were more important or more popular. Like every step of your life, you have someone who is remarkably dumb and silly that you're like, that's it.
35:46 Speaker 03 And you look back and go, why did I give them any power at all?
35:49 Speaker 04 Yeah.
35:49 Speaker 03 I participated in their legitimacy. Why?
35:52 Speaker 04 I sucked him off.
35:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, I sucked that guy off. I sucked off William Shatner. And how the kids don't know who he is.
36:02 Speaker 04 That's title. Which, which member of, of, of the, the Hollywood elite did I suck off?
36:08 Speaker 03 There you go. There's the episode title. And we'll include the stammering.
36:13 Speaker 04 You have to. I lost it. I lost the thread.
36:15 Speaker 03 Which, which, uh, here's your title.
36:17 Speaker 04 Which, um, and when you, uh, um, and sucked him off.
36:22 Speaker 03 Dude, the number of times on podcasts that I, my, my brain goes, you've got something. And then I open my mouth to say it and I just end up going, oh, uh, uh, uh, um.
36:31 Speaker 04 And another thing.
36:33 Speaker 03 Or I'll be in the middle of the sentence and go, you don't have an ending. You don't have an ending to what you're saying. Wrap it up.
36:41 Speaker 04 Getting a light.
36:42 Speaker 03 I'm doing it to, I'm lighting myself. Wrap it up.
36:45 Speaker 04 He thought he ate. I thought I was about to eat for dinner.
36:51 Speaker 03 I thought I was about to eat for dinner. He was supposed to serve me dinner. I'm hungry.
36:56 Speaker 03 Dude.
36:57 Speaker 04 And, and, and, and, and, and one more thing.
37:01 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah, give it to me. Dude, I have to tell you something horrible.
37:06 Speaker 04 What happened?
37:07 Speaker 03 I've been trying to eat better breakfasts.
37:09 Speaker 04 Oh, what's going on with your breakfast? I'm a breakfast gal.
37:12 Speaker 03 I either skip it or I eat something horrendous.
37:14 Speaker 04 Right.
37:15 Speaker 03 I either skip it or I'm like, I'm like, well, you've got the whole day to like, for your body to work through this. You know what I mean? So I'll, I'll eat like, just something crazy, like something so, I'll, I'll have like a donut and like snack and bacon from Dunkin'.
37:28 Speaker 04 Oh, that sounds really good right now, but I get it.
37:30 Speaker 03 Because they like sprinkle sugar and crack cocaine on it.
37:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, a hundred percent. You wake up ready to go. Who needs a cup of coffee?
37:35 Speaker 03 And the other day, I tried this protein cereal. And I was like, okay, so then what you're going after is like, you'd like to be filled, filled up.
37:41 Speaker 04 Full. Hit your macros.
37:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, you want to, whatever that means.
37:44 Speaker 04 I don't know either.
37:45 Speaker 03 You want to be full. And so why don't you eat this protein cereal? And I got the, it looked like, it was a cute branding. And it was like, oh, there's like, you know, however many grams, 40 grams of protein in a cup or something crazy like that. And I was like, oh my gosh, awesome. And it says, oh, it's cinnamon toast crunch flavor. And I was like, I love cinnamon toast crunch. I want to say they made it out of rat poison and dog shit. It tasted so bad.
38:13 Speaker 04 No.
38:14 Speaker 03 And I can tell you, it was filling. I took, I took a.
38:17 Speaker 04 Yeah, I'm full of dog shit.
38:18 Speaker 03 It was so hard to chew. That I was like, this, they're, it's, it's a battle of attrition.
38:22 Speaker 04 I'm just tired.
38:22 Speaker 03 They're wearing me down. Yeah.
38:25 Speaker 04 I don't need to eat anything for months. I'm exhausted.
38:28 Speaker 03 I've had enough of this cereal and of being alive. I've just had enough.
38:32 Speaker 04 Forty grams of kill yourself.
38:34 Speaker 03 Truly. I was like, this is so bad.
38:37 Speaker 04 That's horrific.
38:38 Speaker 03 I know, and I really, when I bought, it was one of those moments when I bought it that I was like, you son of a bitch, you cracked the code.
38:43 Speaker 04 Look at you. Look at you.
38:45 Speaker 03 Cinnamon toast crunch protein flavored cereal.
38:48 Speaker 04 What was on, what was on that box? Can I ask what it looked like? Cause I get fooled by that shit a lot.
38:51 Speaker 03 It was like, it was the cereal, but they made the cereal look so appetizing and good and it was, yeah, it was really cute. And it was like a matte box, like with a nice finish on it.
39:00 Speaker 04 They're doing such beautiful things with branding, of course. I'm sure, yeah, twelve dollar bucks a cereal.
39:04 Speaker 03 It wouldn't be expensive if it wasn't good.
39:06 Speaker 04 That's right.
39:06 Speaker 03 You know, I was, and I'm just so, it's so funny that still at this point in my life, I can be in situations and think, this time you figured it out.
39:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, you nailed it.
39:15 Speaker 03 You, you found the thing that's gonna fix everything. I was putting so much on the cereal.
39:20 Speaker 03 I was like, my days are about to like be, I'm going to, I'm gonna write three hours a day every day because of this cereal.
39:26 Speaker 04 Well, it's, it's important to be excited, as we've discussed.
39:29 Speaker 03 Yeah. Delusional.
39:31 Speaker 04 Delusional, very delusional thinking. Breakfast is hard, though. Breakfast is always hard.
39:36 Speaker 03 I hate it.
39:36 Speaker 04 I went out yesterday, I'm staying at a friend's place in Prospect Park, and I was like, I'm about to have me a New York City day. And I was like, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna go for a walk, I'm gonna sit in the park and write. I brought all my little things, my backpack weighed a thousand pounds. I was really moving and grooving.
39:52 Speaker 03 I can't write outside. It's such a lie that I tell myself.
39:54 Speaker 04 Hilarious. I didn't write a word. I haven't written in five years, but.
40:00 Speaker 04 But I get up and I'm like, I'm gonna hit this little breakfast spot. And I see, it's very cute. It was very, the reviews were so adorable. It's like a soul food cafe. I was like, amazing. They have so many great things on the menu, like really healthy ways to start your day.
40:14 Speaker 03 Soul food cafe by Prospect Park?
40:15 Speaker 04 Gloria's? Was it Gloria's or?
40:18 Speaker 03 Gloria's, okay. That's not what I was thinking of. There's this soul food restaurant over there that I love that I will not say the name of on here.
40:22 Speaker 04 Okay, okay.
40:22 Speaker 03 Because it's doing quite well and I'd like to gatekeep it.
40:25 Speaker 04 Got it, got it, got it.
40:26 Speaker 03 I wanna know.
40:26 Speaker 04 Maybe I got the name wrong. It might be the same one. But, um, but I sit down and I'm like, look at all this. I'm like.
40:33 Speaker 03 Oh my god, that place is amazing.
40:34 Speaker 04 That was so good.
40:35 Speaker 03 Make sure you can't hear that in the recording.
40:36 Speaker 04 It was so good, glorious.
40:38 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah.
40:40 Speaker 04 He's like, was it Timmy's Tootin' Town? I'm like, that was it.
40:44 Speaker 03 That's my favorite soul food restaurant.
40:46 Speaker 04 It was so delicious.
40:47 Speaker 03 Yes, and they're so lovely in there. They're so nice, yeah.
40:50 Speaker 04 Well, I was sitting, I was really moved. I was sitting across from a woman who's maybe in her early 60s. And she's, she had one of those things, she didn't have reading glasses, but she had one of those little magnifying glasses that you put over a thing to read it. And I just saw her and she is just beaming, just ear to ear, looking around, smiling. The waiter comes up to her, kinda could have, could have taken her reliever, like, you know, not particularly interested in what this woman has going on. And she goes, "All of my friends have been telling me to come here and I'm just so excited." And I like, I was fucked up over that. I was fucked up. And she kept making eye contact with me and I would just go, we were just smiling.
41:27 Speaker 03 I love her.
41:28 Speaker 04 She was a doll, she was precious. And then she got her food and she's just, mm, mm. I'm like, so.
41:35 Speaker 03 Dude, it makes you feel bad, right?
41:36 Speaker 04 I felt like an asshole.
41:38 Speaker 03 It makes you feel bad. There's a, there's like a viral, there's like a viral video that I think I saw on like Instagram or something. That's like this, this, this, this girl is like recording, I think her, her mom or her aunt. And they're in like a hotel room in Cleveland. And she's like on the phone with her, the mom or aunt or maybe grandma. This older woman is on the phone with her friend and she's like, she's looking out the window, she's like, "Girl, we're in downtown and they got restaurants down here and it's so beautiful. I love it here. I bet you wish you'd come now." Like, she's so excited to be in Cleveland.
42:06 Speaker 04 Cleveland.
42:06 Speaker 03 And I'm like.
42:07 Speaker 04 DT Cleveland.
42:08 Speaker 03 And I'm like, I deserve nothing.
42:09 Speaker 04 Nothing, I'm a fool.
42:11 Speaker 03 I deserve nothing if I can't be like that.
42:13 Speaker 04 I'm a bitch of a woman.
42:15 Speaker 03 I'm.
42:19 Speaker 04 I can't make myself happy doing objectively some of the coolest things on earth? Fuck you.
42:25 Speaker 03 Dude, it's crazy to behold.
42:26 Speaker 04 It is, it's wild.
42:28 Speaker 03 It's really crazy.
42:29 Speaker 04 But she was just so, so happy and I kept looking at her and I was looking at all these things on the menu and I was like, I'm going whole hog, big breakfast.
42:37 Speaker 03 Yes, dude.
42:38 Speaker 04 There was a lovely looking salad. There were plenty of lovely options and I ate like four massive sausages.
42:44 Speaker 03 Oh my god.
42:46 Speaker 04 And then I went home and I went to sleep.
42:47 Speaker 03 You know what? I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna tell you a story about this place.
42:50 Speaker 04 Okay.
42:51 Speaker 03 And I'm gonna, I'm gonna say the name of the place. It's Cheryl's Global Soul. Don't cut it. I'm not gatekeeping.
42:56 Speaker 04 Oh, look at you.
42:57 Speaker 03 Who knows? Maybe they need the business. I don't, I think they're doing quite well, but I love that place so much. I had one of the most magical nights here. This was in maybe December or it was winter in New York last year and I had gone, I had gone with some people. I'd gone with a guy I was dating at the time and his sister. And we had, we had, we had met up with his sister at First Fridays at the Brooklyn Museum. The Brooklyn Museum loves when I talk about First Fridays.
43:22 Speaker 04 Oh, love that.
43:23 Speaker 03 Last time I talked about the Brooklyn Museum on here, they clipped the, the, the moment from the podcast themselves and put it on the Instagram.
43:29 Speaker 04 That's really fucking sweet.
43:31 Speaker 03 Shout out to the Brooklyn Museum. I love them.
43:32 Speaker 04 I was, I was next to it yesterday and I almost went in, but I went to the Botanical Garden instead. I need to hit the, on a, on a worse weather day, I need to go there.
43:38 Speaker 03 You must go. I, I love the Brooklyn Museum. It's so fabulous. But First Fridays there are First Saturdays. It's not First Fridays. I always mix this up. Chance tell me because I want to get it right. I don't care. Whatever. It's, I think it's First Saturdays.
43:51 Speaker 04 It's better phonetically, First Fridays. Yes.
43:52 Speaker 03 They don't, I think it's First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum. I go whenever it's on and they, they're off season anyway. They're not doing it until next year, I think. But I went. It's so many hot, cool people and they've got the, some of the exhibits open and DJs and like live music and food vendors and it's so fun. And then we walked to Cheryl's Global Soul. We sat down, we started ordering food. It's like really cold out and it's like they've got heaters on in there. It's so warm and cozy and cute and it's like full. It's full. And it's, everyone in there is having a good time and they're playing like, you know, great music and then.
44:24 Speaker 04 The playlist was crazy.
44:25 Speaker 03 The playlist is crazy. It's so good. And the food is coming and it's amazing and we're having so much fun. We keep ordering stuff, drinks and stuff. And then, uh, what I believe is the owner, I haven't gotten to have a long conversation with her yet. We've like exchanged a couple, hey, hello, how are yous? And, uh, she, she stands up, she's, she's there at the restaurant. She stands up and the, the staff starts bringing shots around to everyone in the restaurant. And she holds up a shot glass and she goes, everybody, can I get your attention, please? These shots are on me tonight for no other reason than we're celebrating friendship and being alive. What a gift it is to be on this earth at the same time.
45:01 Speaker 04 Oh, my God.
45:01 Speaker 03 Raise your glasses. And then every, the whole restaurant does a shot, I'm gonna cry, the whole restaurant does a shot together. And then they just turn the music back up and everyone keeps eating. Being alive is actually really special.
45:20 Speaker 03 As it turns out.
45:21 Speaker 04 Way.
45:23 Speaker 03 Being alive is one of the coolest things that's ever happened to me.
45:25 Speaker 04 It's a gift.
45:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, and I won't be taking it for granted ever.
45:28 Speaker 04 And I'm gonna be present in the present.
45:29 Speaker 03 Until later today.
45:33 Speaker 03 When somebody minorly inconveniences me.
45:35 Speaker 04 When a guy bumps into me on the train. Until then, it's a joy to be here.
45:40 Speaker 03 God, life is beautiful.
45:42 Speaker 04 So, oh, my God, what a fucking darling woman that is. The playlist was going crazy. I walk in like a, like a fool, like a person who's just inside my own head with my headphones. And then I, and then I'm like, no, I wanna, I wanna experience this. The food was so good. Oh, I know, get into this.
45:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:59 Speaker 04 Take a shot with the staff.
46:01 Speaker 03 Take a shot with the staff.
46:02 Speaker 04 I had the most beautiful waiter I've ever seen and we made a lot of eye contact too. He would like set, he would like set things down and be like, she's gorgeous.
46:09 Speaker 03 Oh, my God.
46:09 Speaker 04 I know, I don't know what's going on.
46:10 Speaker 03 I need that to happen to me soon.
46:13 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.
46:27 Speaker 04 Well, let's go there.
46:29 Speaker 03 Oh, really? I was at the MJ Linderman concert last night.
46:34 Speaker 04 I don't know who that is.
46:35 Speaker 03 As I, you don't know? Oh, my God, MJ Linderman, incredible.
46:37 Speaker 04 I'm so old.
46:38 Speaker 03 Put out one of my favorite albums of last year, if not, maybe my favorite.
46:41 Speaker 04 Oh, my God, I need to see.
46:42 Speaker 03 It's really, really good. He's great. And him and Annie DeRusso played at King's Theater last night.
46:47 Speaker 04 Oh, big Annie fan, of course.
46:48 Speaker 03 Come on, man.
46:49 Speaker 04 Oh, man, I should have come.
46:50 Speaker 03 A night designed for me. I know. I should have thought of it.
46:52 Speaker 04 OK.
46:53 Speaker 03 Um, but I went and, um, a really hot guy came up to introduce himself as a fan, clearly straight. And I was so, he was like, looking at me in a way, you know, sometimes when someone's a fan of you, they look at you in a way that's like, you're looking at me in a way that's like, I, just so you know, I want to fuck you.
47:14 Speaker 04 Yeah. Yes.
47:17 Speaker 03 You're looking at me like you, like you've listened to things I've said.
47:20 Speaker 04 You want to eat my heart.
47:23 Speaker 03 Like this is just like sweet, earnest, straight guy looking in my eyes, being like, brother, you're so funny.
47:28 Speaker 04 Hey, bro.
47:29 Speaker 03 And I'm like, you know, I'm like, should we kiss?
47:31 Speaker 04 Let's kiss, please.
47:33 Speaker 03 And I am, I was like, God, I have, I need to be looked at like that a lot.
47:37 Speaker 04 It is, it's, that's romantic love.
47:39 Speaker 03 That's romantic love.
47:40 Speaker 04 I'm like, I've heard your thoughts.
47:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:42 Speaker 04 And I've seen you.
47:43 Speaker 03 That's what it is.
47:44 Speaker 04 And I really respect you. That's romantic love.
47:46 Speaker 03 And it's a different, sometimes, sometimes those interactions are not like that at all. They're like, you're the famous guy from the internet.
47:51 Speaker 04 Very surface, very gross.
47:52 Speaker 03 Fuck you.
47:53 Speaker 04 Yeah, fuck off.
47:53 Speaker 03 But being like, being, but you can tell.
47:55 Speaker 04 What did he say?
47:55 Speaker 03 It's in the eyes. He was like, he was like, I love your stuff. You're so funny. Your special was incredible. Thank you for putting it out. And like, the stuff about your dad. And I was like.
48:04 Speaker 04 I'm horny. I'm horny.
48:06 Speaker 03 Straight up, I have a semi.
48:09 Speaker 04 I'm bricked.
48:10 Speaker 03 I'm semi-bricked.
48:12 Speaker 04 I'm bricked into oblivion.
48:13 Speaker 03 In these Old Navy jeans.
48:16 Speaker 04 I'm bricked in my Old Navy jeans. Thank you for seeing me.
48:19 Speaker 03 I have a semi in my O N J's.
48:28 Speaker 03 And we need to do something.
48:29 Speaker 04 Let's go.
48:30 Speaker 03 Let's kiss.
48:31 Speaker 04 I don't even like this band.
48:33 Speaker 03 Dude. A guy messaged me on Grindr last night, a cute guy, and he was like, he was like, what's up? And I was like, I had just gotten home from the concert and I was like, watching Gilmore Girls, Lorelai and Rory are in another fucking situation as always. What's up with you? He didn't respond. I'm like, you don't, what do you not know?
48:51 Speaker 04 Kind of the funniest thing anyone's ever said and you're not giving me anything.
48:53 Speaker 03 He obviously hasn't seen the show. Rory and Lorelai are always in a situation.
48:56 Speaker 04 They're at each other's, well, they're either at each other's throats or mom's acting up.
48:58 Speaker 03 Well, and sometimes you can't even tell who the damn parent is and who's the kid.
49:01 Speaker 04 Oh, she, I was watching him with Carson recently. He was like, I fucking hate Lorelai.
49:05 Speaker 03 What?
49:06 Speaker 04 He, he was like, he was like, she is so irresponsible.
49:10 Speaker 03 He's an interesting boy.
49:14 Speaker 04 Okay, not me making you hate him now.
49:15 Speaker 03 No.
49:16 Speaker 04 He was like, no, he was like, he was just, I can't remember what the scenario was.
49:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:20 Speaker 04 It reminds me so much of, my favorite thing he's ever said in my life was we were watching, you know, million three watch of Sex and the City. And I left to go to the bathroom and I was like, keep it going. You're enjoying this episode. I, I know it very well.
49:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:32 Speaker 04 And I heard him from the other room go, ugh. And I was like, what happened? And he goes, Carrie's making it all about her again.
49:44 Speaker 04 Really par for the course. I mean, does she is, does she is.
49:49 Speaker 03 And she does.
49:49 Speaker 04 And she does, she makes it all about her.
49:51 Speaker 03 And she does, she can hardly, she can hardly help herself.
49:53 Speaker 04 I mean, well, I just, I rewatched the episode recently where she, um, uh, did Charlotte get pregnant? Or something massive happened to Charlotte? No, she got engaged. She got engaged to Harry.
50:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:03 Speaker 04 And she had just gotten broken up with by Burger on a Post-it.
50:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:06 Speaker 04 And they're at brunch and she gives her two seconds of airtime before she goes, Post-it. I mean, she doesn't let her have.
50:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:12 Speaker 04 Her own engagement at all. I'm like, this bitch would be out of my life in two seconds.
50:15 Speaker 03 Yeah. She's crazy. Or what is so true to you?
50:20 Speaker 04 Okay, this is a big one for me. I was thinking about it in the car. I was 15 minutes late to the record.
50:26 Speaker 03 I was 12 minutes late.
50:28 Speaker 04 I walk in, Caleb goes, "Well, well, well." And he goes, "I just got here two minutes ago."
50:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, I fully just walked in.
50:36 Speaker 04 Okay, so true to me right now is that if they are coming, if our government is coming for free speech.
50:43 Speaker 03 Yes. And it seems they are.
50:46 Speaker 04 And it seems that they are. Just totally hypothetical. America as a country does not make any fucking sense without free speech.
50:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:56 Speaker 04 Like, it's too weird a place.
50:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:59 Speaker 04 To not be able... It's like if a... If you had a friend and they're like, "Hey, I'm gonna take you to the circus. And we're gonna go to the freak show."
51:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:07 Speaker 04 And you're gonna see the guy that swallows fire and knives. And you're gonna see a lady with seven tits and you're gonna see...
51:12 Speaker 03 And you have to watch that and you can't go, "Whoa."
51:14 Speaker 04 I can't say anything about it? Exactly. Exactly. You're like, "No, for sure." He's like, "Just one thing, you can't like, comment on it."
51:22 Speaker 03 Don't react.
51:22 Speaker 04 You can't comment on it.
51:23 Speaker 03 Or you'll go to jail.
51:24 Speaker 04 In any meaningful way.
51:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:26 Speaker 04 You just can't say shit about it.
51:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:28 Speaker 04 But that's the point of the freaks. I have to talk about the freaks.
51:31 Speaker 03 No.
51:31 Speaker 04 No.
51:32 Speaker 03 That's what you think, but no.
51:32 Speaker 04 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm gonna die with mounds of medical debt and I can't say a peep. Fuck off.
51:37 Speaker 03 You're really right about this. You're really, really right about this.
51:40 Speaker 04 Thank you. It doesn't make any... At least in North Korea, people are behaving. You know what I mean?
51:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:44 Speaker 04 We're too weird.
51:50 Speaker 03 How are you supposed to square like rural Louisiana with Chicago? And no one's allowed to talk about what's going on?
51:57 Speaker 04 Those two places existing in space and time and I have to shut my little gob about it? Fuck you.
52:03 Speaker 03 People are also not... People are not reacting big enough to me to... Like, we're taking so much for granted right now in terms of like Caroline Levitt, that dumb bitch.
52:10 Speaker 04 She's always such a loser.
52:11 Speaker 03 Is going on the news. And she literally was on the news like last night or this morning being like, "The Democrats' main constituents are Hamas terrorists." And it's like, that is a fucking crazy thing to say about most of the country.
52:23 Speaker 04 Oh my god.
52:24 Speaker 03 Cause they act like they're most of the country. We are.
52:26 Speaker 04 They're not. They're not. They're not in the majority.
52:28 Speaker 03 The MAGA is not most of the country. People who don't agree with them are most of the people in the country. And the election is not... The election is not indicative of that. Most of the country doesn't vote. Most of the country is not like you and to say most of the country is Hamas terrorists is fucking bananas, batshit insane and we're just going, oh wow, that's politics.
52:47 Speaker 04 She said another crazy fucking thing.
52:49 Speaker 03 It's not, that's not politics.
52:50 Speaker 04 Well, and at this moment, it's so, at this exact time, it's so hard to grab hold of the latest like fucking insane thing that someone said.
52:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:59 Speaker 04 That it's like, we should be talking about that to the ends of the earth. We should be commenting on that. It's like, you're so fucking wrong.
53:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:04 Speaker 04 A lot of people, the vast majority of people do not agree with you and is like remarkably not true. And we just let it go. It just becomes the next thing that they've said. We'll be worried about something tomorrow. It really is driving me insane.
53:17 Speaker 03 I feel crazy every day.
53:18 Speaker 04 I feel really insane.
53:19 Speaker 03 I feel crazy every day. And the thing is, most of us do.
53:21 Speaker 04 I know.
53:22 Speaker 03 But what can we do? Because we have this stupid, and they're fucking redistricting everything. They're about to gut the Voting Rights Act. Because god forbid, fucking, uh, people who aren't white get any kind of say in the government. They are gutting the Voting Rights Act and they are going to have like mega control forever, they think. I'm really hopeful, what would be awesome?
53:42 Speaker 04 About the?
53:43 Speaker 03 What would be awesome is if they didn't get the Voting Rights Act.
53:46 Speaker 04 You know what would be sick?
53:47 Speaker 03 Would be sick is if they left that. What would be really awesome is if they did and then a bunch of fucking people voted against them because of it.
53:55 Speaker 04 Yep, yep.
53:55 Speaker 03 Do I know, do I think that that'll happen? I don't know. But I know that the way they're trying to run this government is not going to work for working people.
54:02 Speaker 04 Exactly.
54:03 Speaker 03 Because Trump is doing fucking crypto schemes. He's manipulating the economy.
54:06 Speaker 04 It's insane.
54:07 Speaker 03 To drive up crypto prices. And when it doesn't work for working people, no matter what their majority is, they're going to either have to do legitimate Insurrection Act martial law and overthrow all of the people.
54:17 Speaker 04 Yep.
54:17 Speaker 03 Or they're going to lose crazy style.
54:19 Speaker 04 Yeah.
54:20 Speaker 03 They are going to lose crazy style.
54:21 Speaker 04 I have, I have a little bit of hope in the latter. I really, I really really do.
54:25 Speaker 03 A lot of fear in the former.
54:30 Speaker 03 I have a lot of fear that if it starts to seem like, uh, fucking Joe Plummer in Ohio is like, no more, they're like, oh, then fuck elections.
54:37 Speaker 04 I'll shoot him in the head.
54:39 Speaker 04 We're gonna go to his house and shoot him in the head.
54:40 Speaker 03 Well, that looks like Antifa, boys. Pepper spray that, pepper spray that priest, yeah.
54:46 Speaker 04 Joe Smith is a Hamas terrorist. And so is his wife.
54:50 Speaker 03 Yeah. Your right wing uncle who's an electrician in Texas. Really bad news, guys. He's Al Qaeda.
54:58 Speaker 03 We just found out. Caroline Levitt just found out he's Al Qaeda.
55:02 Speaker 04 Oh, my God, Aunt Cheryl's ISIS. Oh, shit.
55:06 Speaker 03 So we're sending, we're sending some schlubby 32 year old dimwits who couldn't find a fucking respectable job in ICE uniforms to disappear him.
55:14 Speaker 04 They are cracking me up.
55:16 Speaker 03 These guys.
55:17 Speaker 04 They are so inept and it is, it is scary in every way, but you throw a little Benny Hill soundtrack onto these fuckers trying to chase one guy on a bike, I'm laughing harder than I've ever laughed.
55:28 Speaker 03 They're so fucking ugly. It's awesome.
55:32 Speaker 03 You almost have to be jealous of these ICE agents because something really cool happened for them. Here are unfuckable, unemployable, unintelligent, ugly ass losers.
55:42 Speaker 04 Right.
55:42 Speaker 03 And now they get a job that pays them well for nothing. They get to be assholes to people that are cooler than them and they get to wear a mask.
55:49 Speaker 04 And they get a mask on.
55:50 Speaker 03 Oh, my God. They get to cover their ugly face.
55:52 Speaker 04 To go viral in a mask?
55:54 Speaker 03 Crazy. Crazy work. Like, they literally found a dream scenario.
55:58 Speaker 04 It's true. It is. It's the life. I mean, it.
56:00 Speaker 03 These dimwitted, fucking useless pieces of shit.
56:03 Speaker 04 If I was 75% less smart, you know, I would not.
56:07 Speaker 03 Oh, my God. Yeah. If, I swear to God, if you put half these ICE agents in front of the children's game where you try to put the square in the square hole, they'd be fucking ramming it at the triangle.
56:18 Speaker 03 These guys.
56:19 Speaker 04 He pissed his pants.
56:20 Speaker 03 All you can see of their faces, their eyes, and it's just giving Lenny.
56:27 Speaker 03 You just see, you just see a couple of Lenny Peepers staring back at you vacantly. It's crazy.
56:37 Speaker 04 There's nothing in there. There's nothing in there.
56:39 Speaker 03 We're gonna get that plot of land, brother. It's crazy. There's just not a light in the house on with these fucking guys. And they're showing up in unmarked fucking Toyota Siennas.
56:50 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah. Stepping off a dirt bike, coming into your home.
56:55 Speaker 03 And we're saying it's supposed to be like, "Respect our law enforcement." I don't, that's a guy.
57:00 Speaker 04 Hey, that's some dude.
57:01 Speaker 03 That's just some guy.
57:03 Speaker 04 That's some dude who got $70,000 to put that mask on. He's some fucking guy.
57:06 Speaker 03 You actually have to let him kidnap the Guatemalan line cook who lives next door and bothers nobody.
57:11 Speaker 04 And is the nicest man you've ever met. There was, oh my god, I saw a video yesterday of this woman going the fuck off. It was in New York on this man. And you're like, "There's a million things you can say to these people. They deserve every, every type of lashing out you could possibly imagine." She goes, "Your fucking wife is stepping out on you, you little fucking bitch."
57:32 Speaker 04 It wasn't like, "You're, you know, you're abusing my rights. You're not respecting the Constitution." It was, "Your wife's cheating on you and your dick is small, you fuck." It was so satisfying.
57:41 Speaker 03 I live. I absolutely live. There's been videos of protestors clowning the, the, like, outfits of the Ice Ageans. And you can just see that it's really getting to these guys.
57:53 Speaker 04 Oh, they're, they're, they really are starting to feel it.
57:56 Speaker 03 I love it.
57:56 Speaker 04 They're starting to see themselves reflected in these people a little bit. I mean, they have to.
58:00 Speaker 03 I really, obviously, don't want them to come to New York in the way they're talking about doing next year.
58:04 Speaker 04 Of course.
58:05 Speaker 03 I, I've just been thinking so much about the number of problems we have in this country that are so legitimate and need actual answers and solutions. And that all, of course, being upset about undocumented immigrants right now is like, if you were sitting on the street and a man pulled up in like a gold Rolls Royce and got out in like a, a $2 million suit and came over and said, "Open up, I'm gonna take a shit in your mouth." And then while he was shitting in your mouth, there was a guy playing harmonica a little loudly. Like 10 feet over. And you were like, we gotta kill the harmonica guy.
58:38 Speaker 04 The harmonica guy is driving me fucking insane.
58:41 Speaker 03 There's shit in your mouth.
58:42 Speaker 04 The harmonica guy is the reason that I taste so much shit.
58:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, meanwhile, everyone's loving the harmonica.
58:47 Speaker 04 Yeah.
58:47 Speaker 03 Everyone's having a good time.
58:48 Speaker 04 Sitting around, enjoying it.
58:50 Speaker 03 They asked him to play it.
58:50 Speaker 04 Enjoying it. He's a great community member.
58:52 Speaker 03 We're having fun. He's like a beloved member of the community.
58:54 Speaker 04 Good dad, loves his family.
58:56 Speaker 03 He plays harmonica at all the birthday parties.
58:57 Speaker 04 Uh huh, yes.
59:01 Speaker 04 He doesn't ask for anything in return.
59:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:02 Speaker 04 And I, but there's poop in my mouth.
59:04 Speaker 03 But there's poop in my mouth.
59:04 Speaker 04 And I wanna kill that harmonica guy.
59:06 Speaker 03 Laura, I have a segment for you.
59:10 Speaker 03 You know what's about to happen.
59:11 Speaker 04 What? Oh, yeah. Oh, God. I forgot. I've, I've historically performed well on these and I'm nervous now that I'm gonna...
59:19 Speaker 03 I'm gonna read you 15 statements.
59:20 Speaker 04 Okay.
59:21 Speaker 03 You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false.
59:23 Speaker 04 Okay.
59:23 Speaker 03 If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars. You ready?
59:27 Speaker 04 Yes.
59:28 Speaker 03 A sneeze can travel up to speeds of 100 miles per hour.
59:31 Speaker 04 Sure.
59:33 Speaker 04 Yes. No. No. Yeah? Yeah? The person I do a guy, a person of a guy who's deciding that the answer is yes while he's saying it, he goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yeah, yes."
59:47 Speaker 03 You think true or false?
59:54 Speaker 04 True.
59:54 Speaker 03 It is true. Drake and Josh had more episodes than Keenan and Kel.
59:58 Speaker 04 Hmm, true.
1:00:00 Speaker 03 False.
1:00:00 Speaker 04 Fuck.
1:00:00 Speaker 03 Yawning is contagious.
1:00:03 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:03 Speaker 03 True. Wicked debuted on Broadway on 2003.
1:00:06 Speaker 04 On 2003?
1:00:07 Speaker 03 That's how it's written.
1:00:08 Speaker 04 Okay. True.
1:00:10 Speaker 03 True. The Tennessee Volunteers football team played their first season in 1910.
1:00:15 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:16 Speaker 03 False.
1:00:16 Speaker 04 Fuck.
1:00:17 Speaker 03 1891.
1:00:17 Speaker 04 My mom's gonna kill me.
1:00:18 Speaker 03 The smallest bone in the human body is in the nose.
1:00:22 Speaker 04 False.
1:00:22 Speaker 03 False, it's the ear. Johnny Appleseed is a fictional character.
1:00:26 Speaker 04 False.
1:00:26 Speaker 03 False, he was a real man. Dollywood's official slogan is "Love Every Moment."
1:00:31 Speaker 04 True?
1:00:31 Speaker 03 True. Welcome to the Jungle was written by Motley Crue.
1:00:34 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:35 Speaker 03 False. Guns N' Roses.
1:00:36 Speaker 04 Shit.
1:00:36 Speaker 03 Bats aren't actually blind.
1:00:39 Speaker 04 False.
1:00:39 Speaker 03 True.
1:00:40 Speaker 04 Shit.
1:00:40 Speaker 03 LeAnn Rimes has released seventeen studio albums.
1:00:43 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:44 Speaker 03 True. The Great Wall of China is visible from space.
1:00:46 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:47 Speaker 03 False. Albert Einstein failed his fourth grade math class.
1:00:50 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:50 Speaker 03 False. Father Ryan High School's yearbook is called The Clover.
1:00:53 Speaker 04 False.
1:00:54 Speaker 03 False. It's Irish pride. A blue whale's tongue can weigh as much as an adult elephant.
1:00:57 Speaker 04 True.
1:00:58 Speaker 03 True. How'd she do?
1:00:59 Speaker 01 Another nine.
1:01:00 Speaker 04 Wow.
1:01:02 Speaker 03 We've had a run of nines.
1:01:03 Speaker 01 Bunch of nines.
1:01:04 Speaker 04 Oh, so close.
1:01:05 Speaker 03 Chance is getting good at this.
1:01:07 Speaker 04 Can I have twenty-five dollars?
1:01:08 Speaker 03 You, uh, since you came on last, is it, did we, did we pay you last time you came on?
1:01:13 Speaker 04 You know, I did it and you didn't pay me.
1:01:14 Speaker 03 Wow. We pay people now regardless.
1:01:16 Speaker 04 Oh, really?
1:01:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:01:17 Speaker 04 I get that fifty?
1:01:18 Speaker 03 You get more than that.
1:01:22 Speaker 04 Are you kidding me?
1:01:23 Speaker 03 You know, we made some changes.
1:01:24 Speaker 04 Oh my, this is the best day of my life!
1:01:27 Speaker 03 We took a look at the books.
1:01:30 Speaker 04 Things are going well.
1:01:31 Speaker 03 Took a look at the books and we said, hey, we've been actually accidentally doing some crimes.
1:01:36 Speaker 03 We, we owe people some money.
1:01:40 Speaker 04 I did a grand larceny.
1:01:41 Speaker 03 We did grand larceny on accident, uh, for, for, uh, legal reasons. Kidding.
1:01:47 Speaker 04 That's really fabulous.
1:01:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:01:49 Speaker 04 Changed my whole week.
1:01:50 Speaker 03 Really?
1:01:50 Speaker 04 Yes, it is. Yeah.
1:01:52 Speaker 03 That was kinda sad to hear.
1:02:00 Speaker 04 Yo, girl, that's a little bit sad.
1:02:01 Speaker 03 I hated that.
1:02:02 Speaker 04 I hated that. I need, I need you to be doing better.
1:02:04 Speaker 03 Worried about ya.
1:02:11 Speaker 04 Oh, sweetie, no.
1:02:13 Speaker 03 Oh.
1:02:13 Speaker 04 That's, oh, big bummer.
1:02:15 Speaker 03 Whoa, um, no, we love you so much, Laura. Thank you so much for doing this.
1:02:19 Speaker 04 I love you. Thank you for having me.
1:02:20 Speaker 03 Please tell people where they can find you.
1:02:22 Speaker 04 Oh, uh, find me on Instagram at LauraPeekLive, P-E-E-K-L-A-U-R-A. Did it backwards. And then LauraPeekComedy.com. I got a bunch of dates coming up. I'm gonna be all over the country.
1:02:33 Speaker 03 Hell, yeah. You said, you said, find me at LauraPeekLive, P-E-L-A. You, it's U-R and L-I-V-E at the end. The most complicated.
1:02:41 Speaker 04 Dot Smith.
1:02:45 Speaker 03 Go see Laura on tour.
1:02:47 Speaker 04 Backslash Love to Laugh.
1:02:49 Speaker 03 One of the best to do it. Simply one of our greatest living stand-ups.
1:02:51 Speaker 04 Love you. Thank you very much.
1:02:53 Speaker 03 Thanks for doing it.
1:02:55 Speaker 00 That was a HeadGum Podcast.
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