Rosie Gets Scammed By An Inflatable D*ck

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie Ramsey discuss Rosie's trip to Verona, their different reactions to potential intruders, a Hen Do scam and why Chris very much felt his age when discussing the Radio 1 Big Weekend. They also chat about roller skates, robots and Rosie reveals how she was humbled by Sandra... All this plus beefs, a mum related voice note and some fab QFTPs. If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Today, get Huel’s full Lite & Lean Starter Kit online with our code SMA30 for 30% off at https://huel.com/SMA30. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  We talk airports and Rosie's holiday tales.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Rubbers in the night.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Speaking of crimes, you tried to kill comedy again.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  I can't help it, I'm a sensitive soul.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Awful.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  Getting old.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Getting old and robots.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Beef's, well, a beef from you.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yes, I get off scot-free, actually.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Questions from the public?

• 0:20Speaker 01

  And we clear up a lifelong geographical mystery. No cap. Keep listening. That's what the kids say, no cap.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  No cap?

• 0:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Oh, all right.

• 0:30Speaker 02

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• 1:30Speaker 00

  Hello, you are listening and watching Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsay.

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Oh, Rosie, Rosie Ramsey it is.

• 1:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Hi, hi, nice to meet you.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  Do you know what it is? I've been away for three nights.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  Hasn't been here. Literally no idea who this stranger is.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  This is ridiculous.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  On, but had it Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, four nights.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  Four nights. Bit of Verona.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Verona.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  My Verona.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  So like honest to God, it's so beautiful.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  Not a holiday.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Sixteen, one day we did sixteen thousand steps.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  We walked seven miles.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  You spotted me yesterday and you exactly, you said seven miles and in my head, I didn't say it out loud because I, you know, you get triggered by stuff, but in my head I went, not a holiday.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  If you said to me, unless it was golf, if you said, we're playing two rounds of golf, we're walking seven miles, I'd say absolutely, let's dance. Although it's hot, let's get a buggy. Um, I would not walk seven miles on holiday, not a vacation.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  But you get to say everything that way and we're like, we're like walking. Well, we didn't go out on the night times. I haven't told you this, we just went to bed.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  Right, I'm not surprised.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  And what, like drank wine in bed.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  I mean, I've, I've had a great time.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Don't need to go out. Don't want to get changed again. I don't want to get showered.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  I know what you mean.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  And wash my hair and go out on a night time.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  I, I honestly, on holiday, leaving the pool to go and get ready for the night upsets me greatly.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  I know.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Upsets me greatly.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  No, but I had a mint time. It's so beautiful. I'm gonna have to take you. Like, it's stunning.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been in my life.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  If come and take, if you can push us on in a wheelchair, I'll go. I'm not walking seven fucking miles.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  You could walk. You don't have to walk seven miles.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  I could, I'm not going to. Why would I do that? I'll get a Segway. Hoverboard. Oh, I'll go on a little hoverboard. That'll be my Verona.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  Is it seven miles or is it seven kilometres? I think it is seven miles.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Europe in it, so probably kilometres. Let's fuck all that.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  Great.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Um, well done you. Well done. Welcome back.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Thank you. I'm really listening.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  This is the studio, that's a microphone, the things in your ears, they're earphones, that's a camera.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Great.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  Um, slap a smile on and let's crack on.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  I'm tired. I'm tired. And, um, I think I've caught a cold.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Because, do you remember lockdown? And do you remember Covid?

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Eh, blanked it out.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  Right, coronavirus.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. My Corona. Hey, I'm getting loads of these today.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Um, well, there's some people. There's some people, I don't think they live through it.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  Because men, right, mostly, mostly men of a certain age, just sneezing.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  A pound for every time you said that, but carry on.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Just, I hate them.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Just sneezing.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Sneezing.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Sneezing.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Just into the, into the air, just literally like thinking that they were actually being well mannered by turning their backs away, but just not covering their mouths and just giving it a.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Right, so, uh.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Only men of a certain age.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  You're not gonna enjoy this. You're not gonna enjoy this. I'm on their side a bit.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Why?

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Because if you sneeze just into the ether, if there's no one in the way.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  In a room.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  Okay, not in a room. I mean, if you're outside.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Nobody even outside. Sneezes into something or onto yourself and then wash yourself. Don't just.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, so there is a thing.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  It's awful.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, so if you sneeze on your hand, your hand's a lovely warm environment for the bacteria to live and thrive. So if you sneeze on your hand, you should sanitize or wash your hand immediately. Right. However, if I'm outside, if I'm in the park with the kids and I'm standing in the corner or I'm sitting on the bench in the corner and the kids are playing and I need to sneeze, I'm not sneezing on my hands because I haven't got anything to wash my hands with. So I'm turning around, I'm just sneezing onto the floor, onto the grass because it'll die immediately.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  But we're talking about a city centre.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  You know, a very touristy, lots of people.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Right, but if there's no one around us, I would sneeze into the, like, towards the floor. If there's no one around us, I will sneeze towards the floor just because otherwise I've got to sneeze all over my hands and then I'm going, you know.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  Why can't you just agree that it's gross and I've caught a cold of an old bloke sneezing into the. I was not sneeze, I was not kissing. Can't speak. It was, so I think it was because it was May.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Clammed up.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Because it was May, the age demographic.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  It was very, I was very young on that flight, which is crazy because I'm 40 this year. And also I've got one other gripe, the new scanner machines have got.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Right. I don't understand the new scanner machines. What is this?

• 5:27Speaker 00

  They've introduced them in Europe. So you scan your passport and then you've got to do, you've got to do a picture and then you've got to do your fingers. So my mum, bless her, is nearly 70. She's got quite dry hands, right? I don't know what, that wouldn't pick up her fingerprints, what to do it six times.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  A cement block?

• 5:46Speaker 00

  I don't think it exists. I said, I was like, you could rob a bank, Sandra, and get away with it. We had to do it, like, I was literally pressing our fingers down on this machine and it wasn't picking up our little finger. I was like, you're dead inside, who are you? And it's just, so like, literally, when we went, when we got into the country, I don't, I don't know if it's a political thing. I don't know enough about it. I don't want to get into the politics of it, right?

• 6:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Whatever. It's just a pain in the dick. You get in, you've got to do your passport, you've got to do your picture, you've got to do your fingerprints. But obviously, if it was a queue full of Gen Z and millennials, it'd be done like that.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  But, you know, you're talking the older generation, and I'm talking older, older generation, bless them, like, it was just really tricky to understand. And you know, they haven't.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, it's a new technology for them, yeah.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  It's new technology and, you know, of course it's hard to understand, so it just took.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Wow, so it's fingerprints and face and passport.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  So you do it once.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  And then you've joined another queue, then you do it again, and this is just getting in. But obviously me mum's bloody crow fingers didn't get picked up, so she had to go in a separate queue. Didn't get picked up again on the second one.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Crow fingers!

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Poor bugger, she literally was like.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  What the fuck? I was like, you're dead. Anyway, so then you do it twice going in and then on the way out, you've got to do it again, another two times, and then the check it again, the check of passport. My passport was in the space of a four, like trip, it's checked six times.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  I'm like, who do you, who do you think we are?

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  It's gone, and then obviously you get really, so you're like, what they doing with this data?

• 7:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  From a conspiracy theories, you're like.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  So now they've got your face, your passport and your fingerprints.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  It was just, it was just a bit unnecessary.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  It's nuts, like, it is nuts.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  So, yeah, so if you are going, this is just a tip, I think Greece have done away with them.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Apparently, but if you're going on holiday, leave, if you're going back to England, leave a little bit more time in the airport because it's gonna be a nightmare.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  And moisturise, or they'll not pick up your crow fingers.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  And moisturise because, yeah. So anyway, but other than that, it was really, really lovely.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Good. Well done. I'm glad. And we're going on holiday tomorrow, which is nuts.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Fuck.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  We've had to record this in advance, so if you're listening to this, this has been recorded beforehand. So yeah, you're literally Tommy two holidays, you're back for one day, we're doing a podcast, we're doing a load of work, packing and then we're fucking off again.

• 8:07Speaker 00

  Thought it would be really sort of like glamorous. Do you only like?

• 8:11Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:12Speaker 00

  It's not, it's trashy.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Instagram and the internet and social media have led people to believe that travelling is glamorous. It's fucking dog shit.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  It's not anymore. It's not glamorous at all. It's trashy. And I think they do everything in their powers to not make it enjoyable.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Because I think.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  It's almost like they do it on purpose.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  I think they are.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Let's not forget, you're being fired across the continent in a canister in the air full of other people's farts and coughs and sneezes. It's mad.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  I genuinely think they're actually trying to make it so that less people, I think too many people go on holiday.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  And I think they're just like, right.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  I've said this before, like, you know, come out again with my corona, you know, the lockdown, remember? We had that lockdown, we had that summer, it was the. There was no flights. It was the greatest summer we've ever had. It was incredible weather. All the climate went down, everything. And then they put all the flights on again and everyone's like, oh yeah, it's weird that. It's not weird. It's not weird. There was, it was, it was a thing. It's not weird. All the flights were down. So no one was driving around. No one was doing anything. All the emissions went down. Weather went back to normal. Wasn't fucking windy.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  And also no one was driving. I did think about this.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one was driving. No one was flying. And everyone's just gone, oh yeah, it's mad, isn't it?

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Crazy.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's mental, isn't it? Listen, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being part of Shag My Day No. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe on all your podcast shops and on YouTube. You will wait for the main body of the podcast. This is now business. It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, and it's it as well, and I can't believe I haven't done it, but I might have, you never know. It is wearing a cap on top of your hood.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Ew, who was doing that?

• 9:37Speaker 01

  Saw a guy the other day, couldn't believe it. Literally walking along, hoodie on, hood up, cap on top of the hood, putting the hood to his head. You look like a fucking Playmobil character. Stop doing it.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  That's a new one.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  It was madness. I've never, you look like a fucking, you know what? You're one of them snakes. You're like a fucking cobra.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  They've got that thing on the side and it's just obviously a cobra.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  I wonder if it did keep you sodo. Was it raining?

• 9:58Speaker 01

  No, wasn't raining. Just a, just a, just a strange dude. So, yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Maybe like a trendy thing.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Well, it wasn't trendy. He looked like a Playmobil character.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  No, but certain trends, people say.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Tell you right now, he looked like a Playmobil character and I didn't like it. And do I regret running him over? No.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  That's what I did in the cars by the way.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Oh, is that what it is?

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, good.

• 10:20Speaker 01

  It's all about that.

• 10:21Speaker 00

  Okay, good.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  Hello, welcome back.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, back, back.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, but holidays are lovely and once you're there, it's fantastic.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Again, it's first world problems whingeing about, you know, but can I, sorry, can I just say it is very much.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  I will not be, no.

• 10:54Speaker 01

  No, you will. It's human nature to whinge about whatever, do you know what I mean?

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Um, but also I don't think as Brits we would go abroad as much if we got the weather. We just wouldn't. I don't think we would leave England.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  We, we have got, like, obviously as a touring comedian, uh, leg two on sale now, chrisramseycomedy.com for the next tour. Best tour I've ever done. Thank you very much. Um, listen, tell them the truth, it is, isn't it?

• 11:15Speaker 00

  It is a very good tour.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Um, I've been to some beautiful seaside towns that have died because of international travel. And so, you know, I'm talking like, um, what, uh, Winter Gardens, where the, Margate, you've got Margate. You've obviously got Blackpool, you've got Scarborough, you've got your Skegnesses, obviously, I mean Brighton's just.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  South bloody Shields?

• 11:37Speaker 01

  South Shields, of course, Tyne Mouth, Brighton still does very well because A, it's easily four degrees warmer than here at any point. And it's just outside London, so you've got all that money going on. Eastbourne, places like that, like Western Superman. All of them. Sorry, I have to say it like that because of T4 on the beach.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Yes. Anyway, what were you gonna say?

• 11:57Speaker 00

  But yeah, but we don't get the sun.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  We don't.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  So it's just depressing. Anyway, um, that was, I was done. I have got some things that happened on the trip, if you want to know about them.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Always good to hear stuff that's happened with you and your mum and your sister.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Just a couple of little things.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Um, so my Kate, I don't know if you know this about her, but I feel like it's a really big part of her personality now.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  She's found these ear pods, ear things that she puts in her ears and she can't hear a thing. So she just sort of like went out, was sharing a bed with her and she puts them in at night and she's like, um, don't talk to us because I can't hear anything.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  That's terrifying.

• 12:30Speaker 00

  That's weird. Like, what the fuck?

• 12:32Speaker 01

  That's terrifying.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  We were in a travel lodge because we flew from Leeds because there was no flight from Newcastle on the day we wanted to go anyway. And she was just, I was like, you're just sleeping in a travel lodge, just. Just blocking out the world. What the fuck?

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Crazy, just literally eliminating one of our senses selectively deaf.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  But literally, I didn't sleep right. I didn't sleep the night in Leeds. I don't, I think I saw every hour, right? I just don't know why. I was just wide fucking awake. And I was like, I'm so tired. And she's getting, honestly, my AirPods. You know, when you're like,

• 13:02Speaker 01

  I couldn't. It's terrifying.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  I hate AirPods.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  I couldn't do that. I like to hear stuff.

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. No, she's just like, what a life, eh? What a life. Um.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Sorry, can I just say, I heard the police helicopter the other night.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Uh, the middle of the night, I woke up, the police helicopter, I was thinking about South Shields.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Do you know what I fantasize about them hiding in my garden and me catching them?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Who?

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Whoever they're chasing, whoever the police, whoever the police, so I get up, whatever, I don't know if you've ever heard us moving around in the night, but if the police helicopter is ever about, and I've heard it, I'm, I'm at the windows. I'm at all the windows. I'm looking out the back. I'm like, I will, this is my moment.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Blue Belt.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Holds robber, keeps the, and I'm like, I'll find them.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  You've got to have dreams.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Honestly.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Why not?

• 13:44Speaker 01

  I literally, I'll have a hold of them, right? I'll have them back, I'll have both hooks in, back take, I'll have them, and in the ear, I'll be going, this is my moment.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Do you know what's so, that's so upsetting?

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Why?

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Because as a woman, I think about which room I'm gonna lock mine and the kids in.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  Oh, I see. I'm going out me.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Isn't that the difference there?

• 14:02Speaker 01

  That's not a knife. This is a knife.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  You're like seeking it. You're actually looking for it and hoping that you're gonna catch a robber. I'm every night pray that we don't get robbed.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  So that I don't get raped and murdered.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  In front of my children. Isn't that crazy?

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Are you, are you trying to kill comedy again? Is that what this, is that what this is? Is that what this is? Have you, have you lost the ability to just take a fucking joke? You have to go, honestly, the amount, if I had a quid for every time you said, as a woman, I wouldn't have to do this fucking podcast. I could just go and retire and live on an island somewhere. Not that kind of island.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  I'm sorry, I don't give a shit. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Do I have to always be funny?

• 14:42Speaker 01

  On the comedy podcast?

• 14:43Speaker 00

  I'm not. All right, well, girl, straight, listen, please.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Be a fucking nice, nice start, like be a start.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Daisy, put me in a different category because I'm sick. I'm sick of having to be.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  Put me in the one.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  Light hearted and merry all the time.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Put me in the one where everyone starts crying. Put me in the one, put me in the one where, put me in the new category. What's the category where you would say something, start crying?

• 15:01Speaker 00

  The interviews.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Factual.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  And that was when. Crying.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  There's another one for you.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  I've got an escape plan. You're looking out the window so you can catch them. I'm thinking of ways.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  I would go outside and I will, I will take this robber down. This is, this is me.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  God.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Not if there's two of them.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  I'm jealous. I'm jealous.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  Brazilian Jiu Jitsu doesn't work if there's two of them, because the other one just kicks you in the head. Um, I, uh, also, sometimes, this is gonna make it sound like a psychopath, but me and, me and Carl have spoke about this many a time. If I'm in a bad enough mood and something's happened and I happen to be walking along the street and someone slightly dodgy is coming towards us that I think I could physically take.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  In me head, I'm like, please. And I know a lot of men will, I know a lot of men will feel, in me head, I'm like, please. And I know it's a lot like, come on punk, make my day, but it, it is that vibe.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  We're built so differently.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  Weird, innit?

• 15:51Speaker 00

  I know that people love, I know like.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  I think it's also a bit of a midlife crisis. I didn't want this when I was 20. I didn't want that smoke, but I want it now.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  Maybe it's because you've done Jiu Jitsu now as well and you know that you could actually.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  Maybe.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Again, if they're lighter. I say it in me show, lighter, completely untrained.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  You know, yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 00

  It's a lot of.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Possibly with, you know.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Nah, I think it's all just a little bit angry inside.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, here we are. Yeah.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it helps get it out. But yeah, um, no, but I'm, I'm sorry. I know, I know. It's very different. I know.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  You don't have to apologize. You're not, you're not one of them people I'm, I would be scared of.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Excuse me?

• 16:25Speaker 01

  You're not scared. Sorry. Sorry.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  You can look out your window for me all you fucking like. I'm not scared of you. I would beat the shit out of you. That's different. I think I am quite hard.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  You would just talk us down, you. You would just talk us into the floor. That would be that.

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Do you wanna hear something else?

• 16:38Speaker 01

  I'd love to hear the rest of this stuff. I'm sorry for that.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  So, um, just constantly humbled by me mum, this enormous 40 year old woman. Uh, the best one was, she was in the bathroom, this is the morning, oh no, the night before we went away in the, in the Travelodge. A lot happened in the Travelodge. Um, I'd had, me toothbrush was out on the bathroom bench. Um, bearing in mind, I'm a very, I look after myself. I'm nearly 40.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  You know, I'm, I'm not a throth. I do look after myself. Um, humbled just from the, from the bathroom. Oh, someone needs their toothbrush head changed.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  That's a fucking great one. What a burn. What a burn.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  So I said to Kate, I went, have you brought your electric toothbrush? And she said, no. I went, oh, so she's talking about me. Just, there's nothing wrong with it. I got, I literally was like, ma'am. Then she was like, it's, it's, what's, free, like, what, what's, she was like, it's free. It's not, it's not. But what have I done today? I've fucking changed the fuck I haven't had because she gets in there, gets in there. So I've changed it.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Speaking of humbled, can we, can we, sorry, we've got another one there.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  I've got, I've got a couple more. So not to kill comedy, but, um, very, so something happened, right? Which I sort of impressed, also extremely pissed off. And you know, when you say you want to punch people in the face? I was scam, like not scammed.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  You were scammed.

• 18:01Speaker 00

  I was nearly scammed.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:04Speaker 00

  Right. So the, there's this new thing, right? And, and we saw a couple of hen do's in Verona. And I was like, hen, it's not a hen do place.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:14Speaker 00

  I was like, this is weird. Dressed up, all of the stuff, like in the t- matching t-shirts. Uh huh. And I thought, yeah, I was like, this is odd. Anyway, you know, whatever. We're walking down to the Colosseum, it was packed. And this girl dressed in a penis inflatable thing.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Great.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  I was like,

• 18:33Speaker 01

  They'd ruin everything, don't they?

• 18:35Speaker 00

  She was dead jolly.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Really lovely. Pissed. I thought she was pissed. And she was like, oh, I've been dared by my friends. She was with a group of people. She was like, I've been dared by my friends to get pictures with people. So can I get a picture taken with you? And I was like, oh my God. I was like, yeah, of course. Like, you know, you're on your hen do. And I know that you do days on hen do, like me mates have done them, blah, di, blah, di, blah. So we got a picture taken with her. And then she was like, do you want to stick out of me, me, but, me husband to be? And we're like, yeah, go on then. And she, and she was like, oh, blah, di, blah, di, blah. Having a great day. And then, and then at the end, and me ma'am and Kate were really wise to this and I was not. At the end she went, if you've got any like spare change, if I were to get a drink, that would be so cool. That would be great.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Fuck.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  Me ma'am, me ma'am went, no, no.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  What?

• 19:22Speaker 00

  Kate, Kate straight away was like, no, nah, no way. I literally, before they said that, had me hand in my pocket. I was going to give her like three euro to be like, have a great time. And it was a total fucking scam. It was a total scam, to the point where me mum was like, if we didn't have, they'd like, get a picture with you so they can pickpocket you.

• 19:44Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 19:44Speaker 00

  And I thought the lengths that they've got, I was slightly impressed, but then we walked off and watched them and they did it with loads of other people, just got-

• 19:52Speaker 01

  I can't imagine being scammed by someone wearing an inflatable cock.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  An inflatable fucking cock costume?

• 19:56Speaker 01

  I don't think I'd ever come back from that.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  She had me hook, line and sinker.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Fucking hell.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  I swear to god. And you know when you're like annoyed for the rest of the day? I was like, that little bitch, that little fucking bitch.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  No, no, I know what you mean. Oh, yeah, oh.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Cause I was like, oh, you're getting married. And she gave her this whole, she was like, I'm not getting married here, I'm getting married such and such. And I was like, oh my god, great.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  That's unreal. That, I'm, I'm, very rarely am I speechless.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  Uh huh, it was crazy.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  That's a fucking bold scam.

• 20:26Speaker 00

  I know.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  But it was so strange because the group of girls that she was with were like huddled, but they weren't like paying any attention to us, they like had their backs to us. It was just so odd. But me mum and Kate, they like, they clocked onto it so quickly. I was gonna give her money.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Fuck.

• 20:42Speaker 00

  Just to be like, oh, have a great time, like have a drink on me type thing. And then I thought, what, that's, you wouldn't ask-

• 20:49Speaker 01

  Where was she from?

• 20:50Speaker 00

  Um.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  English?

• 20:52Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  That, alarm bells are ringing immediately because the inflatable cock thing seems like a very English thing to do.

• 20:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  I'd be very surprised.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  That's why, that's why she had us, because I was like, home!

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, dare I say it, walking around, any country in Europe, a woman on a hen do from England with an inflatable cock, probably listened to this right now.

• 21:11Speaker 00

  Like, that's why I-

• 21:12Speaker 01

  They're our people.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  I was so drawn to her. And that's why I got me vote to her, because I thought-

• 21:16Speaker 01

  It made me really sad.

• 21:17Speaker 00

  Oh, I know, it was really, it was really horrible, but then I just, whatever.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  I told you when I got, when they phoned me once-

• 21:21Speaker 00

  At least they're putting some effort into it. At least they're not just stealing from your bag.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  I'd rather just be fucking stolen.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  A bit of acting. I'm literally, I was like-

• 21:28Speaker 01

  I think, I know, I think I'd rather be-

• 21:29Speaker 00

  Went to drama school, she had me.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  I think I'd rather be blindly pickpocketed to just go into me bag and realise something's gone than be fucking romanced into it and cheated on in one go, do you know what I mean? Like conned.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, I felt really conned. I was like, you stole a minute of my life.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  And they phoned up me and they pretended to be the bank and stuff.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  Aye.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  I was having a bit of a crack on with that.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  I know.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  I laughed and everything. And then when I realised then, I got the bank to phone that number again and it didn't exist. And I was like, I'm here to laugh.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  I know.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  Like, I know that sounds, I'm not trying to sound like ridiculous here, but you know, when she was just like, yeah, you're right. I was like, picture her accent. I was like, okay, you're from an area that I've probably been to.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. You feel like they've stole a little part of you, don't you?

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Well, they just.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Does that give her a little part of my, because I was like, eh, how lovely.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  I'll tell you exactly what they've stolen. They've stolen a little bit of your faith in humanity.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  And I would say, don't let them steal it because everyone's great. Everyone's not great. Most people are cons. So, yeah.

• 22:19Speaker 00

  Well, my mum and Kate were for our.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  They need to keep stealing it until we've gotten on left. And then that's the only way we'll be able to live free.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  Okay. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 22:28Speaker 02

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• 22:59Speaker 04

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• 23:29Speaker 05

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• 23:58Speaker 00

  Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  So, I had a horrible little revelation the other day with me mates. And obviously I don't like talking about being old because obviously there's people who listen to this who are much older than us and there's people who are much younger and it's just an age. But when you get on a certain bit in life, sometimes, like I said, there's now children serving us in bars, which I find a little bit jarring. I was having a drink with my mates the other night. Now, as we record this today, it is the 21st of May as we record this. By the time you listen to this, we'll be back off our holiday.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  But this weekend coming, Radio 1's Big Weekend.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Is in Sunderland, in Hererton Park in Sunderland. And I remember when I was younger, I worked at the Stadium of Light and I was, you know, I was like 17. I'd just got a car, a little Renault Clio and all the other guys who worked there were all banging to our music. It was like, "Radio 1's Big Weekend." I remember some people got tickets, other people like jumped the fence and it was like a big thing. And I was standing having a couple of drinks with my mates, not a few days, not but a few days ago. And one of my mates went to my other mate, "Hey, you seen that Radio 1's Big Weekend's at Hererton Park?"

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's called.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah." And he went, "Yeah, yeah." And he went, "Here, have you seen the..." And I'm expecting, "Have you seen the line up?" He said, "Have you seen the road closures?"

• 25:20Speaker 01

  And the other mate went, "Yeah, I'll not be driving around there then, fucking nightmare that like, yeah, you're gonna have to go around the other way around in that bit of the 80s." And I was just...

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Oh, Chris.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  And it was like, yeah, fine, like, fine. But Fatboy Slim's on, he's our generation.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's mint.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, but...

• 25:38Speaker 00

  There's some really good people on, it'll be mint.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Have you seen the road closures? Fucking wounded.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  I would have loved to have gone, but it should be too busy for me.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck, too loud, it'll be too loud, it'll be too busy, they'll all be bloody smoking their vapes.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  How are you getting home?

• 25:54Speaker 01

  You're not gonna, you're not gonna leave taxi.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  You'll not get a taxi.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  You're gonna get picked up because of the road closures. Yeah, I tell you what. And all the food in there, too salty for me.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, just, nah.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Doesn't agree with his...

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Cues, man.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  There's loads of cues, eh, in the toilets.

• 26:07Speaker 00

  Oh disgusting.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  Here you can it.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Disgusting. The last time I went to a gig, that was like, not too far away from home, but not close enough to like, whatever, was at the Stadium of Light, the Spice Girls, years ago, do you remember?

• 26:18Speaker 01

  You pissed on your shoe, yeah, yeah.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  When I pissed myself on my shoe on the way home, because we had to walk home.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Classic British, I'm annoyed, eh?

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, a bit of history there.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Brilliant.

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Oh babes. Yeah, old bastards.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  Speaking of being old, I tell you what freaked me the fuck out the other day.

• 26:33Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  I was driving, eh, through Sunderland, and, eh, out the corner of me eye, I was on the phone to me mate, obviously I was just always on the phone to Jordan or Carl or someone, right? I was on the phone to Jordan, and I went, mate, I went, sorry, I think I've just seen a robot going down the street. And he went, what? And I went, there's a Just Eat robot going down the street?

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  And he went, oh yeah, yeah, they're a thing.

• 26:57Speaker 00

  I didn't know they were a thing here. I've seen them in London.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Literally, a little.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  I hate them.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  Ro- I've had so many questions. I went, well, what? I went, well, I went, do you just meet them somewhere? Or do they go to your house? He went, I think they go to your house. I went, how do they get across roads? He went, I don't know. I went, how do you get the food out when you get there? He went, I imagine it's a code. And I went, oh god, like, honestly? A robot?

• 27:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Have you ever seen Judge Dredd? The first one was Sylvester Stallone.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  No.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Not Karl Urban. Rob Schneider, Rob Schneider is in Judge Dredd.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  And he, he hides in a, in a food robot.

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  When there's a shootout at the beginning, and the food robot's just thinging around, and it's going, um, it's going, eat recycled food. Recycled food is good for the environment and okay for you.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  And it's that.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:49Speaker 01

  It's the, it's unbelievable.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  Yeah. We're living, land cuckoo, land man.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm really sorry if you live in a part of the country where robots delivering food is the norm now. But I, I mean, I had to go and pick up something from the, the garage the other day.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  Can I, can I just say something, right?

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  And this is wild and maybe a bit privileged, right? But why can't we say no to these things? There was never a vote. Is everyone okay with robots delivering shit on your streets? No, I'm not actually. I don't want them.

• 28:18Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Don't want them.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Well, I wasn't walking along, it's just a little fucking buggy.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  I know, but it's just rank.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Right, but okay, so vote at your feet. If not enough people use them, it'll get scrapped. That's the point. But I've only, do you know, you made me pick up something from the parcel thing, the drop off.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  I won't have a bad word. I won't have a bad word against the drop offs.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  I've never done it before.

• 28:40Speaker 00

  The parcel drop offs.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  It was unbelievable. I went up and it says tap to wake up. I tapped the screen. I know I sound like I'm 7,000 years old here and I scanned the QR code and it said door open and stand back. I stood back, door opened, parcel was there.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  So actually, so okay, I'm not a full luddite. I'm not a full luddite because that I can get on board with.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  So if that, you would not like that parcel on wheels coming to your door?

• 28:59Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  Because, because then the problem is it takes it out of your hands. Like what if they can't reach the doorbell? Or you get a text out there, I guess.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  You think it's got a little extended alarm?

• 29:10Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  So it's just gonna reach up and press it all in. I just don't know how people have, I just said to my mate on the, I said to Jordan, I said, how are people not kicking the fuck out of these? Like how, I don't understand why someone hasn't just ran over and just flipped it. Like we live in a place where people do stuff like that.

• 29:22Speaker 00

  Well, we grew up in the 90s, like it's a difference in time, like, I don't know. Whatever you do.

• 29:29Speaker 01

  So I'll tell you one thing, I often forget how many people listen to this podcast and I forget like it's sort of, you know.

• 29:34Speaker 00

  I constantly do.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And I forget that it's sort of part of people's life and we're out there in the world and I got reminded.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  Hi everyone.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  Hi everyone. And I got reminded in an incredible way. And this is why I love our listeners so much. So I obviously trained Jiu Jitsu at SBG in South Shields. You have a blue belt, it's behind us on the thing, you know, I say it. The place itself is amazing and they do kickboxing, they do all these different things and they've got stuff for kids and everything. And the staff there are awesome. And there was a medical emergency in there, right? You saw me looking at the video when I got sent the video of the medical emergency. That was nothing to do with the training and no one got hurt in the training. It was a pre-existing thing that happened to the person while they were training. I just have to say that so you know that nothing happened untoward in the place, right? But this is the funny bit. The paramedics came to, to, to the scene to sort out the person who was having the

• 30:24Speaker 01

  medical emergency and me mate who runs the gym said to us that one of the paramedics was down sorting it out, sorting the person out, helping and the other paramedic was just standing watching and she stood up and she looked around the room and she went, hey, is this the cuddle club?

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Stop. Stop, she listens to this?

• 30:45Speaker 01

  I swear to God, yeah. And after, he texts us, he went, you'll not believe it, he went, they were sorting it out, he went, and one of the paramedics, she looked around, she said, is this the cuddle club? I went, you can piss off, no way. He said, I'm telling you, she said that. I went, that's incredible, incredible. I just forget.

• 30:58Speaker 00

  Did anyone comment on the video you shared on Instagram?

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Which one?

• 31:01Speaker 00

  The, the gayest video in the world.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Uh, you mean me doing?

• 31:04Speaker 00

  So gay.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  A mounted triangle? You mean me doing a mounted triangle on someone?

• 31:08Speaker 00

  If anyone's watched heated rivalry, Chris shared a video of cuddle club the other day. It's so gay.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  You're so gay.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's gay as fuck. It's great though.

• 31:18Speaker 00

  Gay as fuck.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  It's great, I'm not bothered, I loved it.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  But also just therapy for blokes.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  It's therapy for blokes, it's fighting, it's let's have a fight, let's high five, how good was that, bye.

• 31:26Speaker 00

  You've got a lot of testosterone, like it makes sense, you know?

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Well, just when you, whenever you watch the UFC, you know, I'm like, oh, these two hate each other and at the end they cuddle and you're like, well, it was fake. No, they've just got it all out, it's gone, it's gone.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't get it, anyway.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, there we go.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 31:44Speaker 00

  What's your beef? What is your beef today, baby?

• 31:48Speaker 01

  So, my beef, I have been, I have been dry aging and marinating and slow cooking this beef since you went away.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  Oh, before I went away, this is?

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have tested this beef out on multiple people, almost like, you know when I'm doing new stand-up?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Great.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  And you hear me tell the same story to multiple people in my life and you want to die.

• 32:14Speaker 00

  I can't do it, what's happened?

• 32:15Speaker 01

  Well, Carl's had it, Jordan's had it, Auntie Cath's had it.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Right.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  A few of those, so, someone else, a stranger had it. Oh, yeah, one of the dads from school's had it, one of the mums from school's had it, everyone's had this. So, my point is, this beef has been road tested with the people, everyone's on my side, so you can't kick off, okay?

• 32:36Speaker 00

  I mean, watch me.

• 32:39Speaker 01

  So, everyone listen to this podcast, boys, girls, everyone involved, gather round, listen to this. Rosie Ramsey, you, you, I'm talking to you, don't look surprised.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  Yes, I don't know what you're talking about.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  You took our children, just before you went on holiday, you took them to Smith's Toys because they had gotten some pocket money off Nana Bridget.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  You took them to Smith's Toys and you brought them home, and in an hour's time, no, no, no, shut up. In an hour's time, you were leaving to go to Italy for four nights and you bought our children, as you were leaving the fucking country, you bought both of our children with no prior experience. Do you want to tell everyone we bought them?

• 33:28Speaker 00

  Roller skates, baby.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  Fucking set of roller skates each. Hi Chris, we're back from the toy shop, both your children have got roller skates. Bye, ciao.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Ciao bella.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  I was fuck up fuming, I've never been so angry in my entire life. I've ne- hey Chris, I'm about to go, here's an incredibly dangerous toy for both of them that needs constant monitoring, bye. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. Honestly, I've known nothing like it, I've known nothing like it.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  Well, all right, sorry, I have got a constant tummy, like flabby bit above my bikini line from carrying those two children, so you can't deal with just a little bit of roller skating.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  Why don't you get some roller skates, I'm on the promenade.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  If you want to have a competition of who's had a harder time with these kids, I'll go there.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  It was, all right, I'm going on a golf trip in a couple of weeks with the lads, just be prepared.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Don't, I don't.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  You know what they're getting each, you know what they're getting each? Six puppies and an air rifle.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  There you go lads, there's an air rifle each, six puppies, don't shoot the puppies, but you know, bye.

• 34:43Speaker 00

  Great, no, okay, okay, but in my head, they chose them themselves and I thought it was really wholesome and I thought, oh, that's really sweet, have they been on them much?

• 34:53Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Did you put them away?

• 34:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, took the wheels off, took the wheels off, no I didn't. Rafe didn't want to go on his again, Robin went on his, but just round the house, fall into the cupboards and stuff, horrible, genuinely horrible, I've known nothing like it.

• 35:06Speaker 00

  Sorry about that, oh god, and honestly, any chance for me to mention my gun to her? Well.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  I think it's me good.

• 35:16Speaker 01

  It's not.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  Is that Fat Fanny?

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:18Speaker 00

  I've got one of them and I'll do it. Listen, I don't have a beef with you because I went away and you've been mint with the kids. Not one little word of complaint and it's only took you nearly 10 years to finally be all right with being a dad.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  My anxiety's lower. They're really easy. Life, like honestly, anyone, I said this to Carl the other day, anyone out there who's got like really, really young kids and it's like suffocating when you're like, obviously you love them so much, but it's suffocating. The whole organisation, everything you've got to do and you feel like you're spinning plates, but they're smacking the plates off.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Gets easier.

• 35:53Speaker 00

  It really does.

• 35:53Speaker 01

  Gets, and we've got a big age gap and it still gets easier.

• 35:56Speaker 00

  Well, thank you though, because it made my time away really enjoyable. And do you know what? Like I said this before, sometimes like, because I think the world bombards with reasons why we're not happy.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  Like all these videos, like you've married a narcissist or not, like not telling you you have, but just sort of.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's just your algorithm.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Algorithm knows something I don't.

• 36:20Speaker 00

  No, I don't know if it's just a woman thing and it listens to conversations that you have, but anyway, it's just sort of like, I don't know. But anyway, listen, I was in Verona. Call me hand. I was in Verona with mum and Kate and I had a lovely time, but the whole time I was there, I was like, I would love to be here with you.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  And it was dead romantic. And I just thought, oh, after how many years we've been married now, like nearly, we've been together like 13 years.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  But I was like, after 13 years, I still want to be in a romantic city with you. So that was nice. That was a nice affirmation.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Why are you killing comedy again?

• 36:55Speaker 00

  I'm not killing comedy. I'm just telling you something nice.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  Oh, thanks.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  But genuinely, and I think that's like, sometimes, you know, when people go like, how do you know if you're in a happy marriage?

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  I think that's like a sign of it. Because if I was there and I didn't give you a second thought.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Then I think I'd be like, oh, I'm probably not in a happy marriage. But I genuinely was like, I would love to go there with you.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Oh, well, I, I thank you. And you know what? I'd happily do that. But I, I realised when I was on tour this, this year, just gone, second leg on sale now. I. On Saturdays and Sundays, during the week wasn't as bad if I was just in a hotel or kicking around or go to the gym or whatever. But on Saturdays and Sundays when I was just in the van, in the hotel, and I would ring you and I was aware that you three were all just in the house. I was like, I'd rather, I'd rather be there.

• 37:41Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, there comes a point where I, I said to my mum, actually, I was like, you know, when the kids were really little, I was desperate for escape. I was always, and I always felt like, oh my God, like it's just, but I really missed them. I really missed you all when I was away, actually. I was like, oh my God, it's finally, it's finally happened.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, but this window was really, really small, as they keep telling you on the internet. This window's small and then soon they're not going to want anything to do with when we're going to be left going, oh my God. Because it's so fucking tough when they're tiny. It's so hard. And then it becomes really fucking fun for an incredibly finite amount of time. And then they're gone.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  I know. So we need to embrace it. And we're going on holiday tomorrow and it's going to be bloody lovely. I'm really looking forward to it. But don't piss us off. And I'm sorry about the roller skates.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  She'd give it to you, take it away. I've packed them for the holiday. Yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  Please don't.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Exactly, exactly.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  No, you're right. It was, it wasn't a good decision. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 39:35Speaker 05

  When you shop Kroger delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. From delicious produce to everyday essentials, enjoy the convenience of delivery and the trusted selection you've come to know from Kroger. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Right now, enjoy free delivery on orders of $50 or more with your digital coupon. Restrictions apply, see site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's [email protected]. If you would like to write formally, a long form, correspondence, should I say? And if you'd like to send a voice note, it is 07874 406650. Thank you kindly.

• 40:30Speaker 06

  Hi Chris and Rosie. I've been wanting to send a voice note in for a while about my mum, weirdly. When Chris talks about Sandra and about her being a wumble. That always reminds me of my mum, because my mum will do anything for a bargain, she loves it. Bit of background on my mum, she's four foot eleven, she's a lollipop lady, she's never smoked in her life, she's very innocent. She told me once, she'd been to the charity shop and she was so excited, she'd got this top, it was a real bargain, she was really happy, it was an Adidas top. And she was like, "Oh, I'll wear it, I'll wear it tomorrow."

• 41:10Speaker 06

  And she came round to my house and took her jacket off, really excited to show me this cheap Adidas top that she'd got. Only it wasn't an Adidas top. It actually said, it actually had like a cannabis leaf instead of the Adidas logo, and instead of saying Adidas, it said addicted.

• 41:34Speaker 06

  She didn't have a clue what this meant, so I had to explain it to her and she's never worn it again since.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Love it. Oh bless her heart. Oh, that's great.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  I don't want to sound pathetic here, but it's even funnier because it's a little...

• 41:52Speaker 00

  Well, because she's only four foot eleven. Four foot eleven is dead for you. Do you know how little I'm all gonna be?

• 41:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, you shrink, didn't you?

• 41:58Speaker 00

  You shrink? I'm only five foot one.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:00Speaker 00

  I nearly laughed at her four foot eleven. I thought that'll be me.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  Probably go down to four foot eleven, yeah. It's just in between your spine. You need to hang every day. You need to hang.

• 42:07Speaker 00

  Is this?

• 42:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, you need to hang every day.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Great. I'll add that to my other bloody nine million things that I've got to do.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. All your supplements.

• 42:14Speaker 00

  Collagen.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  Collagen, yeah.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Venomous thing.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  Wake up at five o'clock and journal.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Walk on the grass barefoot, practise gratitude, hang.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  Get in the bin.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  No, getting in the bin isn't one of them. Actually, getting in the bin's bad for your spine. Really bad for your spine.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. So, the A1 sex shop have been in touch.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  No fucking way.

• 42:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's actually got a proper name. It's not just the A1 sex shop. It's called Pultons Cocktails. It's a franchise. It's a fully blown, like, what's it called when there's loads of them?

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Franchise?

• 42:44Speaker 00

  Franchise. There's loads of them. It says here, "Hi, we, collaboration opportunity." Okay?

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm all ears. I'm a businessman at the end of the day.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, we love a bit of money, no matter where it's from. "We recently came across your reel featuring our A1 store and honestly, we loved it. We'd love to invite you both to visit the store properly as our guests. We reckon your followers would genuinely enjoy seeing what it's really like inside the store. If it sounds like something you'd be interested in, we'd be happy to chat through what a collaboration could look like and find a date that works best for you." So, thank you so much. For the sake of our children, I think it's a no.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  It is a no, I'm sorry.

• 43:23Speaker 00

  If we didn't have kids, I'd be all over it.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:25Speaker 00

  I would be dildoing me tits off, but, or in me tits? Is that where you put them? I don't know. Lube? Ugh. Anyway, so, but I did actually, to give them a proper shout out, I went on their Instagram and I watched a reel and it doesn't look awful at all. It doesn't look seedy at all. It looks really nice.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Genuinely.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  And what does it sell?

• 43:45Speaker 00

  Like, like costumes, brassieres, like sex toys.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  Long trip home, stomach on the way home, bit spicy. I buy, yeah, I buy, yeah. I'm on my way home, I've been working business all week, I'm on my way back on the year one. Pop in, get a little pair of edible knickers for the wife.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  They, like, literally, we're just a bit vanilla.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  Again, yeah, we are.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  That's just us, but a lot of people aren't, and that's their lives, and I hope that yous do really well. Pools and cocktails.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  It makes sense, actually, because the amount of time I've been in the W Smiths at Wetherby and asked for a fucking

• 44:17Speaker 00

  Leatherette thong, the back biddies.

• 44:19Speaker 01

  Couple of cock rings and some mayo beads, and I haven't got them. And I say, what the bloody hell's happened to this country? But you're right, I'm in the wrong place. Yeah, I'm in the wrong place, yeah. Fuck, it makes total sense.

• 44:29Speaker 00

  So, thank you for getting in touch, and I much appreciate it. Big love, pools and cocktails. Shout out.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  There you go, you've got your free advert.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  You've got your free ad on the board, so there you go.

• 44:37Speaker 01

  Congratulations, wow.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have three stories of sexual embarrassment for you.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  There it is.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  One with a woman, one with a man, and one by myself. In chronological order.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  Seeing no evil, hearing no evil, speaking no evil.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  Hey, all of the sexes.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  Come on, then.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  Um, one. When I was about 14, I went into the bathroom for a wank, grabbed some lotion from the shelf and did my thing.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  14 with lotion? Come on, what? Fucking kids these days.

• 45:06Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 45:07Speaker 01

  Lotion? I didn't try lotion years later.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  Did you not?

• 45:11Speaker 01

  He's lotioning up at that, what the heck? Fucking lotion, you've already had a lotion at 14? Jesus, where do you go from there?

• 45:17Speaker 00

  It was only when I was cleaning up, I realised it was actually my mum's tanning lotion.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Heavens to Betsy.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  I had a very sun-kissed penis and right palm, and nothing would get it off again. I just had to wait until it faded.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  Caught red-handed.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  Literally.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  Caught brown-handed.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Caught brown-handed.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  That's great, that's devastating.

• 45:35Speaker 00

  When I was with an ex-girlfriend, we were once getting hot and excited in the bedroom, when she decided to try and add in some sexy talk. She sensually whispered the words, "You can ping my flaps if you want."

• 45:48Speaker 01

  Well, the fucking microwave.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  Ten minutes, ten seconds, eight hundred watts.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  Ping. I just laughed and said, no, you're all right. And the sex time ended there and then.

• 45:59Speaker 01

  No, you're all right.

• 46:01Speaker 00

  Still no clue what you expect me to do. Ping my flaps.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Ping?

• 46:05Speaker 00

  I've got a pair of flaps.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Congratulations.

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Thank you so much. Thank you.

• 46:12Speaker 00

  And I don't know what that means by ping your flaps, like flick them?

• 46:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Ping them? I don't understand.

• 46:16Speaker 01

  People like getting whacked sometimes, don't they?

• 46:19Speaker 00

  What, they're flaps?

• 46:20Speaker 01

  If it's the thing that they like.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Ping's an amazing.

• 46:23Speaker 00

  I don't like anything, like, too aggressive.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  No, no, horrible.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  Look, like, ju- oh, no. But not, it's ju- I hate it when we're going, what? Let's not talk about our sex life on here.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  No, no, no, come on, man. The kids are getting older. We can't, we can shame everyone else and talk about shit. I said shame, not shave. We can shame everyone else, but we can't talk about ours. Ours doesn't exist anymore. We've done it twice and that was it. Remember?

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  And it was horrible. What a horrible.

• 46:47Speaker 00

  Bit vile.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Vile's a bit what?

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Last one. My first experience with a man. So I think this is a man.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Okay. Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 00

  Oh, this, he's got a penis.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, the tannin lotion thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  So this is a man.

• 47:01Speaker 01

  Hey, you're like Sherlock Holmes. Well done. That was really good. Deduction.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  And my dear Watson.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  That was phenomenal. Don't know what that word, don't know what that accent is. Elementary, my dear Watson.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Elementary, my dear Watson.

• 47:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:11Speaker 00

  Elementary, my dear Watson. There you go, thank you. My first experience with a man was one I met on a certain app, on Thinking Grinder. We agreed to meet in his car in a local car park. As I got in, I saw he was about 20 years older than he claimed.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  Heavens.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  That's upsetting. But I soon forgot about this when I noticed some movement in the backseat. I turned to see a small fluffy, fluffy white dog wagging its tail.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  No way, man.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  The guy told me to ignore it and told the dog to stay.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  He's, he's, he's really took dogging to the literal meaning of the word there.

• 47:45Speaker 00

  Just leave your dog at home when you're going out shagging.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  You have got to take a dog or it doesn't count as dogging.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  Poor dog. So the guy, the guy said to ignore it.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  After some awkward kissing, he took out his rather disappointing dick. Oh, no.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  This is why.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Harry Potter and the rather disappointing dick.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  That is.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  They're disappointing.

• 48:31Speaker 01

  That is two of the, two of the most lethal burns I think I've ever heard in my entire life have happened on this episode of the podcast. Rather disappointing dick and someone needs their toothbrush head changed and.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  Don't put, don't put me in the same as them.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Not coming back from either of them.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  No, humbling, humbling. And as I knelt down to suck it, so he's still going for it. Whilst I was busy, he was turning around to stop an excited dog from jumping into the front seat and was repeatedly saying to it.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  What ween, what ween, what is it?

• 49:00Speaker 00

  Oh, listen, this is awful. And was repeatedly saying to it, the dog, what's daddy doing eh? What's daddy doing eh? Oh, that's horrible, that's horrible. I quickly stopped, made my excuses and left.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  That is horrible.

• 49:14Speaker 00

  Oh, listen to this, which was fine with him as he had to return the car to his parents who he lived with. No, that's disappointing.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  Everything about that.

• 49:22Speaker 00

  It's sad, it's really sad.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  It's sad, it's grubby and I don't like it.

• 49:27Speaker 00

  I don't like it at all.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  It's made us very sad.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  He should have left when his dick was really disappointing because.

• 49:32Speaker 01

  You should have pinged them flaps.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  I know.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 49:35Speaker 00

  Don't get the, what's daddy doing eh?

• 49:37Speaker 01

  That's horrible, that's horrible.

• 49:38Speaker 00

  Anyway, I thought you'd like these stories, we like, kind of did, but also hated every second of it.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  I hated them, but I loved, I loved how much I hated them, so never stop, never stop.

• 49:47Speaker 00

  What, what, what's some sad sexual experiences?

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's the thing.

• 49:52Speaker 00

  Piggy flaps probably put them off girls.

• 49:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  You know, the disappointing dick and the dog in the back, he's probably, what's it called when you don't want to have sex at all, asexual?

• 50:00Speaker 01

  Probably celibate now, we're cats.

• 50:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, don't blame him, honestly.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Listen dude, there's an amazing sexual media one that we are fully involved with.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  Pools and cocktails.

• 50:08Speaker 01

  We're fully involved with and endorse.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  Get yourself there.

• 50:12Speaker 01

  Just use the code Chris and Rosie and get yourself kicked out of the shop.

• 50:18Speaker 00

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. Hello Ramses, hope you're okay, we are.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Yes, we're great, thank you, thank you.

• 50:24Speaker 00

  I've discovered a new ick about my husband that I needed to share immediately.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Brilliant, thank you.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  We are on holiday and I'm writing this as we're on the bus transfer from the airport to the hotel.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Nothing sadder, nothing sadder. I don't care, there's just something about that extra little bit of travelling. I don't care, I don't, I don't care if you're getting a limo from the airport to your hotel. It's still the worst bit.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  Got to drop everyone off.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's just the, I mean, they're dropping everyone off, yeah, but even if you're on your own one and a taxi one, like, it's just.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  Do you remember years ago, um, when you didn't know where you were going?

• 50:58Speaker 01

  That was a thing that people could do, that could just book them holidays and yeah, they didn't know which one they're going to. And you were pulling me going, is this ours?

• 51:03Speaker 00

  We did it once.

• 51:04Speaker 01

  Look how amazing it looks, no. It's like a full fucking holiday of, look what you could have won.

• 51:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, for a villa, I think it was off teletext holidays. And every single villa stop that they made, we were like, this is, like, looking going, oh my God, it's amazing, is it us? Is it us? I mean, luckily the villa we went to with kids was closed.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Wild fucking, what a wild way to live.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  And now we like read every review, we like check all of the pictures.

• 51:28Speaker 01

  That's such a good point, now we're like, yeah, oh, this place looks good, five stars, hold on, hold on, someone said they didn't renew the towels daily, right? We're not going there and we, yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 00

  It's madness.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Does that still happen? Are we privileged? Does that sound, can you still book a holiday where you've got no clue what your accommodation is?

• 51:44Speaker 00

  I don't know, you probably can, but uh, no, I don't, I mean, no.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  It can't be.

• 51:50Speaker 00

  No, I don't think it does, we'll find out, but I've.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, exciting, excuse me, exciting?

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Terrifying.

• 51:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I wouldn't sit well with it.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  No.

• 51:59Speaker 00

  Listen, I'm writing this as we're on the bus transfer from the airport to the hotel, we haven't even got to the holiday yet.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Oh, and you're just already getting nicked out by them, right, okay.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  As the bus departs, my husband takes out his phone, opens Google Maps and puts in the hotel destination as if he's driving. So that he can follow along the journey and make sure the driver isn't going wrong. He looks so proud of himself and all I could think was, ugh.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  Do you do that?

• 52:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Do you do that?

• 52:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  Do you?

• 52:30Speaker 01

  Re- regularly.

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Really? Oh, I didn't know that.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Sorry, I think most blokes do that.

• 52:38Speaker 00

  Oh, really, is it?

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm literally like, because I want to know, one, I want to know how far it is. And two, I just want to think, all right, where's he going now here? And I'll just have a little look at the route.

• 52:45Speaker 00

  If I've got a train to catch, I sometimes check how far away it is.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  No, but I mean like.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  So I'll check the time, but I wouldn't follow along. Uh huh.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  So I like the, um.

• 52:53Speaker 00

  You're on your holiday, why does he care?

• 52:56Speaker 01

  I don't know why I do it. I do it. I will, I'll do it when we go to, I'll do it tomorrow. I will be doing this. What time is it now? I'll be doing this at about this time tomorrow in a taxi from the airport to the, to the, to the hotel.

• 53:05Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  Literally looking, going, right, how far do we have to go?

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Because, do you know what I find crazy about that? And I don't want to be a complete dick yet.

• 53:12Speaker 01

  I'll have to ask you what the hotel's called.

• 53:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  Oh my God, I do this. I've just been slagging off. I go on holiday and I've got no idea where my hotel is. I don't know where we're going.

• 53:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  Ah, I booked this on Telly Text, that's why.

• 53:26Speaker 00

  No, Chris, you, you have not booked anything. But you will, but you'll check how far it takes to get the hotel.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'll ask you what's the hotel called, by the way.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  What country we're going to, really, do you actually know?

• 53:35Speaker 01

  We're going to Mallorca.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 53:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. What airport are we flying to?

• 53:39Speaker 01

  Palma.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Oh, well done. Okay.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  Well, that's because it's the only airport in Mallorca.

• 53:42Speaker 00

  Is it Malorca or Mi- I don't know which one.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Double L, is it? E, E.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  So we're going to Mallorca, so we're going to Mallorca?

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Mallorca, Mallorca, Mallorca.

• 53:50Speaker 00

  But then there's Majorca and Menorca.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  Menorca is definitely a different place. Majorca, I've always been on the fence about that. I don't know if that's just people saying it wrong. I don't know if that's just jalapeno. I don't know if that's just jalapeno jalapeno.

• 54:02Speaker 00

  Different.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  I don't think. Google!

• 54:05Speaker 00

  Do you know what I hate? When people are like, where are you going? And I'm like, I just say Palma. Because I don't know, because we're not going to stay in Palma. I don't really know where we're going.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  Majorca is an island. No, Majorca and Mallorca are the same thing.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  Great.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  Oh, hold on.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Top question on Google, well, fourth question. Are Majorca and Mallorca the same? Yes, Majorca and Mallorca are exact same island in Spain's Baleric.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Balerics?

• 54:30Speaker 01

  But, yeah.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  Completely bottled that and I moved away from the microphone. Sorry, sorry, I'm dead busy. Um, no, what's Menorca?

• 54:51Speaker 01

  Fuck me, Menorca is a different one.

• 54:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, Menorca is different.

• 54:54Speaker 01

  Also in the Billings.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Oh, Menorca is a smaller island off Mallorca slash.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  Let's actually like zoom in for me. Let's actually learn this now, okay? Cause I'm sick of being thick as shit. Right, so.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  So let's look on the map here now.

• 55:15Speaker 00

  So how do you pronounce where we're going?

• 55:17Speaker 01

  Mallorca.

• 55:17Speaker 00

  Mallorca.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  That's Menorca.

• 55:19Speaker 00

  Menorca.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  That's Palmer, that's Magaluf.

• 55:22Speaker 00

  Okay, so where's the place that's spelt M A G O R C A? Mallorca?

• 55:27Speaker 01

  That.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  It's just, it's just the way they spell it and the way we spell it.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  Don't know.

• 55:32Speaker 00

  No, I think that's what it is.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Mallorca is the original Spanish and Catalan spelling of the official name. Mallorca is the anglicised spelling historically used by English speakers. Also we've bastardised it as usual.

• 55:44Speaker 00

  Great. So there's not three different places?

• 55:47Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 55:47Speaker 00

  It's just we've changed.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  Menorca is one and Mallorca and Mallorca are the same, but we've aluminummed that.

• 55:52Speaker 00

  Oh God, okay, good.

• 55:53Speaker 01

  See, I said that, didn't I? I said it's Jalapeno. I knew that.

• 55:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:57Speaker 00

  Right, brilliant.

• 55:58Speaker 01

  So, yeah, and all on the islands. Jesus.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  But also.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  You're welcome if you've learnt anything.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  I can guarantee everybody.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  And Mallorca.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  Everybody who edits our podcast will now be thinking, why do we work for these twat?

• 56:14Speaker 01

  These fucking no hope morons.

• 56:16Speaker 00

  Assholes in charge of what we do and they've got to edit this. So guys, we're really sorry. Cause they're very, you know.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Again, if anyone says, if you hear anyone saying Mallorca, they are just saying Fujita and Jalapeno. That's all that's happening there. So there you are.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  Good. I'm glad we learned that. I feel better about that.

• 56:32Speaker 01

  Ah, you know what it is? That has plagued me for some years now and I've just avoided it. I've avoided it. Yeah.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  I feel better now. I feel great.

• 56:41Speaker 01

  Mallorca and Mallorca, same thing. Do you know what I'm gonna say that to someone on the holiday and they're gonna go, yeah.

• 56:47Speaker 00

  I know.

• 56:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:48Speaker 00

  There's only so much room in here.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  In your head?

• 56:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's no room in yours. You're kidding us. It was like, you know, in Storage Wars. And they open one of them metal containers and there's just like a dusty old fairground ride in it.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  That's me. I'm struggling at the minute actually because I need to go and find a pair of sandals in the garage and it's all I can think about.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Oh, can I, can I please beg to not be part of this at all?

• 57:12Speaker 00

  Oh, no, come on, come on.

• 57:13Speaker 01

  No, I'm not coming to the garage. I'll buy you some more sandals. I'll buy you a new set of sandals.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Listen, we haven't got time, we're going tomorrow.

• 57:17Speaker 01

  AirPods sell sandals.

• 57:19Speaker 00

  Oh, no, not good ones. Do you know, oh, accessories, okay, maybe.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  Do, I'm not going in the, I'm not, I will smash the garage button that opens the garage. I'll smash it and I'll snap the key.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  Mirroring.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 57:31Speaker 00

  If you're just there when I'm doing it, I get it done better.

• 57:32Speaker 01

  I'm not standing in the garage while you look for some sandals that you won't fucking wear anyway. No, no.

• 57:38Speaker 00

  Please.

• 57:39Speaker 01

  No. No. No, no. Where's me rolled up newspaper? No.

• 57:44Speaker 00

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, bah. As always, thank you so much for listening to our stupid little podcast and it's just lovely, lovely to do this still after seven years. Lovely to have you here week after week. We love you.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  We do, we really, really appreciate it. Thank you so much. If you want to get in touch, it's [email protected]. And as I reach over the desk from me phone, because I'm incredibly professional, if you want to send a voice note, it's 07874 406650. Finally, you've got your phone in your hand. ChrisRamseyComedy.com. The next leg of my tour is on sale for the autumn, it's selling fast, but obviously not fast enough, I wouldn't be fucking mentioning it every five minutes.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  Oh, you're gonna have to go on telly, you're gonna have to do some good, oh my god.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  I'll have to go on some interviews and stuff, yeah. Maybe even some rival podcasts.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  No.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Imagine that. So someone out there is gonna have to start a podcast, because this is the only podcast. They'll have to start a podcast open and I'll have to go and do that podcast.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  Oh, you're gonna go and talk about your feelings and that?

• 58:41Speaker 01

  I'll do some crying.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  No, you can't do one of them.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  I'll just cry, I haven't sold all the tickets.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  You're too anxious to do one of them, you'd break down.

• 58:48Speaker 01

  It would break us, yeah. I get offered them all the time, I go, I'm all right, I don't wanna, I'm a comedian, I don't wanna come on and cry about stuff. If you wanna do that, that's fine, I don't fancy it, I don't fancy it. I don't want me crying in the show, I see you kind of.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  Same, my dear.

• 58:59Speaker 01

  So are we.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 59:05Speaker 02

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• 59:35Speaker 03

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• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite? Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 1:00:14Speaker 01

  Hey, let's get back to work, please. But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft-and-swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 1:00:20Speaker 02

  Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm.

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.