Pod Insights Sh**ged Married Annoyed Please Keep Me Anonymous with Rhys James About this episode On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie Ramsey are joined by comedian and Mock The Week star, Rhys James.
Rhys chats about his new role as a Team Captain on Mock The Week, why cracking your head open is a retro injury and he shares a pretty harrowing back stage Green Room story.
Chris reveals an old hygiene habit from the Edinburgh Fringe and Rhys and Rosie do their best to explain Rat Boy Summer. All this plus a horrifying story from one of you lovely lot!
You can catch Rhys on tour this year with his show Chop Logic, for tickets visit rhysjames.co.uk
If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!
📧: [email protected]
📱: 07874 406650
You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed
YouTube channel: youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed
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Transcript 11,051 words · 7 speakers
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1:00 Speaker 02 Hello, this is Shag Marini, please keep me anonymous. We're actually just laughing, recalling stories that we've just told, we've just talked about.
1:07 Speaker 03 Yes, the guest this week is, we've done it again, we've got one of my old comedy mates on.
1:11 Speaker 02 All Chris's friends going on the pod.
1:13 Speaker 03 Honestly, this is just like a reunion for me sometimes. It's comedian Rhys James, who we used to write together back in the day. He's now team captain on Mott the Week, and he's just a funny guy.
1:23 Speaker 02 Funny bones.
1:24 Speaker 03 Just incredibly funny. He's going on tour soon with his tour at Chop Logic. Rhysjames.co.uk, you can get your tickets there. It's R-H-Y-S, James.
1:35 Speaker 02 So more like rahy.
1:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, so the thing is, what you've got to know about an R-H-Y-S, James, is when they meet other R-H-Y-S, James, is they get incredibly excited.
1:45 Speaker 02 Oh, do they?
1:46 Speaker 03 We have another R-H-Y-S on our team, on our social team. So when they came in, they were all over each other like a fucking cheap suit.
1:52 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:53 Speaker 03 And my tour manager's called Rhys like that as well. Whenever he meets one on the road, it's unbelievable.
1:58 Speaker 02 Because what's your that, R-E-C-E?
1:59 Speaker 03 Oh, there's all kinds, but R-H-Y-S is the most, I think it's the most Welsh one. So they get very excited.
2:05 Speaker 02 Oh, nice, okay, well, listen.
2:06 Speaker 03 They get very, very excited. But he's a very funny man, we had a great chat. I can't even keep track of what we're talking about, but it was a whirlwind and it was fantastic. And I hope you all enjoy it. And please rate and like and subscribe. Subscribe on YouTube if you can, that would be really lovely if you're watching this, and enjoy.
2:29 Speaker 02 It's the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Jingle.
2:39 Speaker 03 Mate, I haven't seen you for so long. It's so nice to have you here.
2:42 Speaker 04 It must be a decade.
2:44 Speaker 03 It's got to be.
2:45 Speaker 04 I've probably seen you in regularly. There was a period where I was seeing you very regularly.
2:49 Speaker 02 Yeah. What was it? Because I can't remember.
2:51 Speaker 03 When I had like different TV shows and different things, Reece used to write with us on all of those things.
2:57 Speaker 02 Is that how long ago it is to be?
2:59 Speaker 04 An era of my life, I call the Chris Ramsey pilots.
3:03 Speaker 03 The pilots. There were so many pilots.
3:04 Speaker 04 There were a few pilots.
3:05 Speaker 03 What we're doing again, Chris? Yeah.
3:07 Speaker 04 We're doing another one of those pilots of yours.
3:09 Speaker 02 Not him again.
3:10 Speaker 04 Get some better writers. Maybe you'll get one on the air.
3:12 Speaker 03 No, you were brilliant always. But that's the thing. What's really hilarious is I'm doing What The Week in a few weeks.
3:17 Speaker 02 Yes.
3:18 Speaker 03 And Reece used to be one of the go-tos I would go to about I'm doing What The Week, what we're going to write. He's now team captain on What The Week.
3:23 Speaker 02 Amazing.
3:24 Speaker 04 I'll still write for you if you want.
3:25 Speaker 03 Nah, nah, nah.
3:26 Speaker 04 I'll send you some of my stuff.
3:27 Speaker 03 Couldn't afford you.
3:28 Speaker 02 You actually said, he's not going to be able to write for us.
3:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:30 Speaker 04 It would be funny to ask. It would have been funny to ask.
3:33 Speaker 03 Imagine that.
3:33 Speaker 04 So are you available for?
3:35 Speaker 03 Actually, I'll start off. He's gone half an hour free as well. That'll be good. Yeah.
3:38 Speaker 04 Well, he's just riffing. He doesn't have to, you know. He's free the day before, isn't he?
3:42 Speaker 02 Oh, you're enjoying it?
3:43 Speaker 04 It's great. Yeah, of course. Well, it's like anything. I don't know if you have this attitude to life, but I have this attitude to life, which is like, you want to be asked to do things. You don't want to have to do them.
3:53 Speaker 02 Oh, my god.
3:54 Speaker 04 It's nothing more than going to work ultimately, regardless of what your job is.
3:58 Speaker 02 I'm exactly. See, I get full on formal through me phone.
4:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:02 Speaker 02 But then I'm like, I've been to that thing and I hated it. So.
4:05 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. You just go, yeah, obviously when you're actually doing it, I think it's all just nerves that make me go. It's like, it's the build up to the recording on that day where I'm just like, oh my god. I'm going to phone in a bomb threat to the studio so we don't have to do this. I'm pulling the fire alarm. While Dara's doing the warm up about to say my name, I'm like, well, I'm going to have to do something.
4:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:22 Speaker 02 Can't be arsed.
4:22 Speaker 04 But then obviously, once you're sat there and doing it, it's like, this is great. And we record on Tuesdays. And I would say, the last series we did, for every Wednesday, I would swan around like, I've got the best job in the world. My life is amazing.
4:34 Speaker 03 Wow.
4:34 Speaker 04 But the Monday and Tuesday, I would be like, I would give anything to work in recruitment right now. I hate this so much, but it's just, that's how being terrified manifests itself.
4:45 Speaker 02 It's anxiety for me, no, it's so, so true.
4:46 Speaker 03 Well, they say, they say find a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life.
4:48 Speaker 04 Wrong.
4:49 Speaker 03 They are wrong, because everything's relative.
4:50 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
4:51 Speaker 03 Everything's relative. We are human beings, we are awful, we're fallible, we can get sick of anything.
4:57 Speaker 04 Of course, you get sick of anything.
4:58 Speaker 03 That's why the concept of heaven is such bollocks, because there's nothing that we wouldn't go to.
5:01 Speaker 04 It has to be constantly changing.
5:02 Speaker 03 Fucking Jorgan, ain't ya?
5:02 Speaker 04 Yeah.
5:03 Speaker 03 Do you know what I mean? Like, do you know what I'm saying? You don't believe that, do you? You believe, I'm looking at Rosie here.
5:07 Speaker 02 What? What do I believe? You don't go and tell us what I believe.
5:10 Speaker 03 I just think we could get, I don't think, I've gone really deep here, but I don't think there could possibly be a concept of heaven that anyone, that everyone could be, that even anyone could be like, this is perfect.
5:18 Speaker 04 Well, not if it's staying the same the whole time.
5:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, it would have to change.
5:21 Speaker 04 After a while in heaven, you're like, pop some flames in here, mate, make it a little bit. Prodd me with a pitchfork, lad.
5:26 Speaker 03 Stick there, gosh.
5:26 Speaker 02 This is too nice, yeah.
5:28 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5:29 Speaker 02 I don't know what, we talked about religion when Daniel Sloss was on, it got a bit deep, didn't it? But like, who knows? Are you religious?
5:35 Speaker 04 No, what, is Daniel Sloss religious?
5:37 Speaker 03 So religious.
5:38 Speaker 04 You'd have to be.
5:39 Speaker 02 No, he's not. No, he's not at all. He's not at all. But I was talking about him.
5:42 Speaker 04 Oh, no, is he, is he big atheist? Is that what's going on?
5:45 Speaker 03 Of course he is, yeah, yeah, yeah.
5:45 Speaker 02 Yes.
5:45 Speaker 03 But anything he says and the accent sounds religious oddly.
5:48 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. He's the first atheist priest.
5:51 Speaker 03 Everything sounds like a prayer. Yeah, it's weird. No, I didn't mean this, got start going on about heaven and hell here, but it is that thing of like, yeah, you, even like, I love our job, love, love what we do, but it's, it's, it's, you get like, you would rather do fuck all.
6:04 Speaker 04 Of course.
6:05 Speaker 03 I just believe everyone would rather do fuck all.
6:07 Speaker 04 But then if I was doing fuck all, I would be like, oh my god, I need to go to work. Like, why am I not at work? This is ridiculous.
6:12 Speaker 03 I get, I think I talked about on the podcast years ago, I get formo. If I'm in the house, I want to be out. If I'm out, I want to be in the house.
6:17 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:17 Speaker 03 You know, if I'm working, I want to be off. If I'm not on tour, I want to be on tour. While I'm on tour, I want to be at home.
6:21 Speaker 04 Exactly.
6:21 Speaker 03 Some Saturdays when I'm on tour, I'll, I'll video, I'll FaceTime you and you'll be at home with the kids. And I'll be like, oh my god, I want to be at home with the kids. But I know how fucking horrible Saturdays at home with the kids are.
6:31 Speaker 02 That's not the good deal.
6:32 Speaker 03 They're awful.
6:33 Speaker 02 I used to work in an office, like as a secretary for a, oh, what the fuck did they do again?
6:38 Speaker 03 There it is.
6:39 Speaker 02 It was like, um.
6:41 Speaker 04 Choose a job you love, you'll never forget.
6:44 Speaker 02 They supplied the ink for the printers, the big massive printers in offices.
6:50 Speaker 03 Oh, right. This is the one, we drive past it on the year one.
6:52 Speaker 02 Every single time.
6:53 Speaker 03 Every time we've been to the metro centre and you go, I used to work there.
6:55 Speaker 02 I used to work there.
6:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
6:56 Speaker 02 But there is days when my life was just so simple and I would sit there and but I sometimes craving, I think, oh God, I missed that job. But then also I was bored chipless.
7:06 Speaker 03 Yes.
7:07 Speaker 04 I think the one thing that I look forward to inexplicably in my diary is when it's like, right, busy week. And then that's an empty day where you can actually just sit and write. And it's like, there's not a gig in the evening you've got to worry about where your like, energy's going to shift. I can just sit and I can focus and I can like, write stand up. And then as soon as that day comes around, I go, I can't sit here and write stand up.
7:27 Speaker 03 Oh, I can't.
7:27 Speaker 04 This is awful.
7:28 Speaker 03 Writing stand up is the worst.
7:29 Speaker 04 It's the worst feeling in the world.
7:30 Speaker 03 I hate writing stand up. I hate it so much.
7:32 Speaker 04 It's impossible.
7:33 Speaker 03 Yeah. At my tour then, I've just done one leg of it. I'm doing the second leg in the autumn. And I was so lucky because we'd had, I'd had four years off stand up. I hadn't done any since with, since, since sort of, I'd named a tour at 2020. And then it didn't go because, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the only time I.
7:48 Speaker 04 The one year, not to name it after the year.
7:50 Speaker 03 It was like, just call it the 2020 tour, because I'm doing it in 2020. Oh, never again, right? So I'll never name one after the year ever again. After that one, when it finally went out, I had four years off and obviously I don't write stuff, but I write little thoughts and ideas down for the podcast. And then every other little thought and idea that wouldn't go on the podcast went into this, into this other folder. Six previews and the, and the two I was done because it was four years of.
8:13 Speaker 04 You had so much.
8:14 Speaker 03 I've got these stories. I've told them to friends and family, but I haven't told them one thing. Sitting down, there's something really odd about sitting down with a bit of paper and a pen or sitting at your laptop and going, I need to be funny now.
8:23 Speaker 04 Also, it's when it's, it's when it's like, I need to write with no restrictions or like, when you can write about anything.
8:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:31 Speaker 04 And you go, well, what though? You sort of almost want someone to go, write a show about this subject.
8:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:35 Speaker 04 They are, I can do that. If you give me a subject I have to write about, it's like, cool, well, I'm gonna poke it.
8:38 Speaker 03 They send, you're not noise, Rosie. When you do, I'm dreading doing it again, right? You get sent, it's like, like what Sarah Paschal says, it's like your GCSEs.
8:44 Speaker 04 Yeah.
8:44 Speaker 03 And you get sent a pack and it's every fucking news headline and every top line and every quip and every, and then the prime minister said this and then there's a.
8:54 Speaker 02 And hang on though, when will you get that? Because it's got to be quite current, doesn't it?
8:57 Speaker 04 Day before.
8:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, day before.
8:59 Speaker 02 Shut up, you're gonna have to...
9:00 Speaker 04 It's just basically-
9:00 Speaker 03 I didn't even say this when he said that!
9:01 Speaker 04 Day before. Day before, day before, Rosie. Imagine what that day feels like, when you're going, right, I've got to write three hours of material now-
9:08 Speaker 02 So are you gonna have to do that the day before?
9:10 Speaker 03 I mean, I'm gonna have some staff.
9:12 Speaker 02 When is it? You'll be out of the house.
9:15 Speaker 04 Not writers, just people getting your lunch and stuff, cleaning the house.
9:18 Speaker 03 So, all I, what I used to do and what I still will do and what loads of comedians do for the show is you go, right, I've got a couple of people who I write with who do stuff with us, there's your news pack, send us what you've got. Another person, there's your news pack, send us what you've got. They'll send us what they've got. I'll go through, I'll, I'll sort of cul it and pick and add to it and then I'll add my stuff to it and then that'll be it.
9:38 Speaker 02 Cool.
9:39 Speaker 03 But you go on with a pile of stuff, you say 10% of it.
9:42 Speaker 04 Oh yeah, you just need to have it there. It's just, it's like revision, basically. You just need to know. It's also like, some of it is just being so familiar with, so, because you don't know what anyone else is gonna say. So just being familiar with the news story enough that you can kind of, like, when they go down that route of the news story, you can, you know what they're talking about.
9:58 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:58 Speaker 04 Although, I've, this last series, there was quite a few times when I was like, what? And it was quite fun to go, I've not read this bit, what are you on about?
10:06 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:06 Speaker 04 And then have someone have to explain this, like, ridiculous thing that happened and then you just react in real time as to like, sorry, that's mental, like Donald Trump said, what?
10:14 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:14 Speaker 04 And it is quite fun to just do that and see it for what it is, because what you realise after a while is that kind of is what the audience are doing. Like, sometimes you're doing it on Mork and you've, like, written all these jokes, but they kind of assume a lot of knowledge from the audience, but these are people who are just, like, at work and then have come to this after work and are busy and they've not spent-
10:29 Speaker 02 They've not had that pack?
10:30 Speaker 04 -all of yesterday reading that whole bag.
10:31 Speaker 02 They have that pack?
10:32 Speaker 04 They need to send that to the audience.
10:33 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah!
10:33 Speaker 04 When you walk in, they've also got knives.
10:36 Speaker 03 God, fucking, what a stressful day I would be.
10:38 Speaker 04 I had that one. I already had that joke, Reece, actually. We all thought of that.
10:41 Speaker 03 Genuinely, nothing worse.
10:42 Speaker 02 Hang on, is this, do they still do the go to the mic thing?
10:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
10:45 Speaker 02 Oh.
10:46 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:46 Speaker 02 What's that called again?
10:47 Speaker 04 Scenes we'd like to see.
10:48 Speaker 03 Scenes we'd like to see.
10:49 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, like unlikely lines from a blockbuster and stuff like that.
10:52 Speaker 02 You're gonna have to be careful.
10:53 Speaker 03 I'm just honestly, just since he's come, I'm betting now, you know.
10:55 Speaker 02 Have you grown up? When was the last time you did this show?
10:57 Speaker 03 I was a child. I was an actual child. I was in my twenties.
11:01 Speaker 02 Right, just be careful. Just, just, just remember, the cameras are always on.
11:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:05 Speaker 02 The mic's always on.
11:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:06 Speaker 02 Just be careful what you say.
11:07 Speaker 04 It's not live.
11:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:08 Speaker 02 No, but still.
11:09 Speaker 03 Lot of people used to think it was live.
11:11 Speaker 02 If he fucks it up, it fucks for me as well.
11:13 Speaker 03 There's a lot of pressure for me now because I'll get shit off everyone else and then I'll get even more shit off her when I get home.
11:17 Speaker 02 So you've got to be careful, do you know what I mean?
11:18 Speaker 04 And if you get fully cancelled, then what, this podcast has to become like a right wing podcast?
11:23 Speaker 03 I know she just gets a lass in and they talk about periods and stuff.
11:25 Speaker 04 Yeah, fine. There's your two options.
11:27 Speaker 02 I would quite like.
11:28 Speaker 04 You've got two options.
11:29 Speaker 03 I'm quite happy for myself.
11:29 Speaker 04 Either you get, you get your words lass in and you talk about periods, or you put a Union Jack behind you. Those are the only two options, aren't they? For if you get cancelled in a podcast.
11:39 Speaker 03 We put a Union Jack and then we release her some kind of protein drink?
11:42 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:43 Speaker 02 Can't wait.
11:46 Speaker 03 I never ever look at the notes that we get for guests, right? Because obviously I'm like, oh my God, I know Reese. I've known Reese for years.
11:51 Speaker 02 But this is why I think you'll be shit on Mark the Week.
11:53 Speaker 03 I know, I will. I, I know, I was good before. I was good back in the day.
11:57 Speaker 02 Hmm.
11:57 Speaker 03 Um, I know hardly any of these things about you, which is freaking us out. You've got a fear of cracking your head open.
12:04 Speaker 04 Well.
12:05 Speaker 03 Why is that on me? Why is that on my notes?
12:07 Speaker 04 I don't think that's necessarily like a phobia. It's like, who, who there's walking around going like, if I crack my head open, I crack my head open. Who gives a shit? This is what I don't understand about phobias, like should all be irrational. When it's like, what are you scared of? Drowning. It's like, yeah, that's a given, isn't it?
12:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:20 Speaker 02 I'm scared of cracking my head open, can you see that?
12:22 Speaker 04 No, it's not that. I think I've said in the past that there used to be, when I was a kid, there was such a climate around kids cracking their head open, right? That had every party I was at, a kid.
12:33 Speaker 03 Even the friends.
12:34 Speaker 04 What, cracking your head open?
12:35 Speaker 03 Cracking your head open.
12:36 Speaker 04 It's so brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just like, yeah, you're bleeding from the head. That's worse. Yeah, but it's every.
12:43 Speaker 02 Have you never cried, have you never had a head injury?
12:45 Speaker 03 I've had head injuries, but cracking your head open, it's just some, as I read it, as I read, he has a fear of cracking his head open.
12:51 Speaker 04 I don't have a fear of cracking my head open. Don't make me sound, no I don't.
12:54 Speaker 03 Reese is written in.
12:55 Speaker 02 Where have you said this?
12:56 Speaker 04 I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now. Um, I, this, this rug wasn't here. I insisted on this rug being in here, just in case. No, it was that every party I went to when I was a kid, someone cracked their head open.
13:05 Speaker 03 Yes.
13:05 Speaker 04 And it doesn't happen anymore. So it doesn't happen at like, my brother's got kids and no one cracks their head open at those parties ever, right? And it's like, well, parents back in the day just battered at these parties, not paying attention that kids were running around and then just falling over.
13:18 Speaker 02 My brother cracked my head open when I was a kid. Yeah, so he was two, I was five. My dad, I've talked about this before, my dad was fixing a door handle and hadn't bothered to put it back on because he's a lazy bastard. And so my little brother picked up the metal door handle and cracked it off the back of my head. I had to go to hospital.
13:34 Speaker 04 I thought it was gonna be an accident, sorry.
13:36 Speaker 02 Oh no, he just did it, yeah.
13:38 Speaker 04 Or intentionally cracked your head open.
13:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:41 Speaker 04 Oh my god, that's crazy. I'm talking about just sort of like slipping over while charging around like a party somewhere.
13:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:47 Speaker 04 In a pub, when it would be in like a pub or a TGI Fridays or something like that, and the kids are all going crazy, parents in our just have had too many pints, aren't looking.
13:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:54 Speaker 04 But I also, the thing I find mad is that when I'm at these parties for children, the parents are still doing that. They're in, it's in a pub and they're still not really looking at kids. They're just like all chatting and the kids are going nuts.
14:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:05 Speaker 04 So what's happened to kids? That they have skull, have we evolved? Have we evolved to thicker skulls? The kids fall over but it just doesn't crack open?
14:13 Speaker 02 Has everything become safer?
14:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, like floor, what?
14:16 Speaker 02 Do you think, I don't know.
14:17 Speaker 03 Corners, a corner's a bit more rounded.
14:19 Speaker 02 Gosh, I don't know. You're totally right, you know.
14:21 Speaker 03 Bring back sharp corners.
14:22 Speaker 04 Bring back sharp corners. That's what's wrong with this lily liver generation of kids.
14:27 Speaker 03 Pubs have gone woke, that's what you're saying to me. Although, although I, you know this, I was at a, I was at a party with our youngest when he was about, he must have been three or four. And.
14:37 Speaker 02 Oh, is this, I know what you're gonna say. Yes, I, oh god.
14:40 Speaker 03 There was a bouncy castle, right? It was a church hall, there was a bouncy castle. I'm not kidding, the bouncy castle was probably two thirds the size of the church hall.
14:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
14:45 Speaker 03 It was a bouncy castle in a room and everyone else was just around the castle. No word of a lie, there was 40 kids on the castle, probably more. And he was like, I wanna go on the bouncy castle. And I saw two kids running into each other and both their fucking teeth came out, like they just smashed their teeth. Like a really aggressive teenage kiss.
15:01 Speaker 04 Oh my god, yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:02 Speaker 03 If you have a clattered teeth with someone, like back in the day, like, bum, screaming, two kids screaming blood everywhere. And I literally went to him, I will take you to the toy shop and buy you whatever you want if you leave this party right now.
15:14 Speaker 04 What?
15:15 Speaker 02 That's good.
15:16 Speaker 04 Sorry, the tone with which you said that was like you were the spy. We have to get out right now. I will do this. I will kill you if you don't walk out with me right now.
15:25 Speaker 02 Why do you keep doing that, man?
15:26 Speaker 03 I do it.
15:27 Speaker 02 For god's sake, can you stop telling us these stories?
15:30 Speaker 03 That was years ago, that one, though.
15:31 Speaker 04 That's amazing. Well, and then when the actual teeth came out?
15:34 Speaker 03 Two teeth out. One cracked, one just out. Both kids screaming, blood all over their faces, like a horror film.
15:40 Speaker 02 Got a monitor. You've got a monitor at a bouncy castle.
15:42 Speaker 04 That's good to know, actually. I find that reassuring to hear.
15:45 Speaker 03 Happens in the north, mate.
15:47 Speaker 04 That's it. The south, the pubs in the south. I went to a party once. It was Lou Sanders' birthday and it was in the upstairs room of a pub.
15:54 Speaker 03 Big, big fan of Lou Sanders.
15:55 Speaker 04 Ninety percent of the room was a bouncy castle, like inflatable thing that had a surfboard on it that you had to like stay on.
16:01 Speaker 03 Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:01 Speaker 02 Amazing.
16:02 Speaker 04 But it was like, there's like 200 people invited to this upstairs of a pub and most of them are downstairs in the pub because you can't get into the room because of the fucking inflatable surfboard machine. It was just the most inappropriate place for it to be. And also, no one on it, like maybe every 50 minutes, someone goes on it and it's Lou again.
16:21 Speaker 03 Well, Lou's a rollerblader. She's got really good balance.
16:23 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
16:24 Speaker 02 I love that so much. I love it.
16:28 Speaker 02 Also, just going back to your notes.
16:29 Speaker 03 Oh, I love your notes, like.
16:31 Speaker 02 These, these are really good. I don't know where you've said these things.
16:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:34 Speaker 02 You, you got, you had a kidney removed at 10?
16:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, just a bit. Just a bit.
16:40 Speaker 03 Just a bit?
16:40 Speaker 02 The whole thing?
16:41 Speaker 04 The whole kidney, the whole kidney.
16:43 Speaker 02 Why?
16:44 Speaker 04 I just fancied it, you know? It didn't have anything interesting about me. Thought, get it out, get it out. I wanted to be able to go to the toilet whenever I wanted it at school and to have a little water bottle on my table. Those are the only luxuries afforded to the single kidney people. It died. It shriveled up and died.
17:00 Speaker 02 Stop it.
17:01 Speaker 04 It, it was causing me some issues, i.e. pissing blood sometimes. Cheers. And, uh...
17:07 Speaker 02 Could have just got braces, couldn't you? Had to get your kidney removed.
17:11 Speaker 04 Got those as well, thank you, don't worry.
17:13 Speaker 03 Couldn't just have a lazy eye like everyone else.
17:15 Speaker 02 That's wild.
17:16 Speaker 03 Wow.
17:17 Speaker 04 Yeah.
17:17 Speaker 03 Oh bless you, a 10. Oh, we've got a 10 year old, that's horrible, that's terrifying.
17:21 Speaker 02 We'll be looking out for the bloo- nosebleeds.
17:24 Speaker 03 Dude.
17:24 Speaker 02 Huge at the minute, do you know that? 10 year old boy.
17:27 Speaker 04 Huge at the minute, or do you have a 10 year old yet? Huge at the minute?
17:30 Speaker 03 I don't want to point fingers here, but you look like you were a nosebleed. You were a nosebleed.
17:33 Speaker 04 Big time, absolutely, of course, big time. I heard all the tricks, it was like the sort of old wives tales of what fixes a nosebleed, what stops a nosebleed, like wet flannel on the back. What are you talking about? It's like when mums are like, conkers on the stairs gets rid of spiders. Like, these two things are not in any way connected. The blood's coming out of my nose, maybe flannel on the nose?
17:53 Speaker 03 Rub a bit of, rub a bit of meat on a wart, bury it in the garden. As the meat rots away, the wart disappears.
17:59 Speaker 04 Oh my god, is that real?
18:00 Speaker 03 You know, I heard that one.
18:00 Speaker 02 I've never ever heard that one.
18:02 Speaker 03 Shut up, man, really?
18:03 Speaker 02 Speaking as a woman with a current verruca, I could have known about that.
18:06 Speaker 03 Verruca, how 90s is that?
18:07 Speaker 04 You said that, the way you said that was like, we should like, be doing like a drive for you, like a charity gig, speaking as a woman with a current verruca. My god, yeah, I've got, who hasn't got verrucas? I've got verrucas.
18:19 Speaker 02 Well, have you?
18:21 Speaker 04 Why not? I mean, it makes more sense for you to have, because you're presumably at swimming pools with children.
18:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:25 Speaker 03 Fuck off, you've never fucking been, you haven't been to a swim pool for years.
18:28 Speaker 02 No, but the kids have, Robin sometimes has verrucas and you can just catch them from being around the house.
18:33 Speaker 03 Can you?
18:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, like genuinely, start wearing some socks because I've been verruca juice and all about.
18:39 Speaker 04 Oh, but you're a big hygiene guy, aren't you? You're a-
18:41 Speaker 03 Eh, do you know what it is? I play fast and loose with it these days, Reece, I've changed a lot.
18:44 Speaker 04 Oh, do you? You were really OCD about it back in the day.
18:46 Speaker 03 I used to be when I didn't have kids, yeah.
18:48 Speaker 04 Ah, now it's impossible.
18:49 Speaker 03 I play fast and loose with it, it's not impossible.
18:50 Speaker 04 Didn't you used to have a mat next to your bed that you'd scrape your feet on before you got into bed? Is this correct?
18:54 Speaker 03 Yes, that was at the Edinburgh Fringe.
18:55 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:56 Speaker 03 Yes, that's because the, you know this.
18:58 Speaker 02 I don't, I don't know, no I don't.
19:00 Speaker 04 You're like, you're so obsessed with not any dirt on your feet being in the bed.
19:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, so that's because, right, so at the Edinburgh Fringe, I'm sure we spoke about this, Rosie.
19:07 Speaker 02 I don't know about the foot mat, I don't know anything about this.
19:11 Speaker 03 Do us a favour, Rosie, Reece is here, when I tell you about it, sexually control yourself. We've got a guest. No, no.
19:18 Speaker 04 Don't do that for my benefit. I'd love to see it.
19:20 Speaker 03 When I tell you, please don't throw yourself at us because, you know,
19:23 Speaker 02 Oh god.
19:23 Speaker 03 Wet floor sign. Listen, so I would have, Edinburgh, we'd go to Edinburgh, every comedian, you go to the Edinburgh Fringe for the summer. And some of the houses were, you know, sort of terraced, big old, you'd love them, sort of old Edwardian Victorian Edinburgh houses with the floor, wooden floors.
19:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:41 Speaker 03 And you would walk around barefooted for the day and you'd by the end of the day, you'd just have a look at the bottom of your foot and it was fucking squishy, like a fucking chimney sweep. So I would have by the side of my bed, whatever, would have towels, I'd have a hand towel on the floor and I would just use it like a doormat. I would wipe my feet like a little dog. You know when a dog's having a shit and it like scrapes?
20:00 Speaker 02 Wipe, wash your feet.
20:02 Speaker 03 Because then I'd have to walk back through the-
20:03 Speaker 04 I think they've solved this. I think inventors have solved this issue. It's called socks.
20:07 Speaker 03 Yeah?
20:07 Speaker 02 Socks of foot gloves.
20:09 Speaker 04 When you said the phrase, and you'd walk around barefoot all day, I was like, well, I'll stop you there.
20:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
20:13 Speaker 04 No, you wouldn't. Who's doing that in Scotland?
20:16 Speaker 02 Scotland.
20:18 Speaker 04 Walking around barefoot all day on wooden floor in a student house in Scotland.
20:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. So yes, yes, I did. I used to have my little mat at the side of the bed and I would wipe it. Yeah, yeah. And I remember I think Jimmy McGee, so a comedian friend of mine, Jimmy McGee saw that and told, told everyone. Yeah.
20:34 Speaker 04 No, I don't think I heard it on the rumor mill. I think you told me. I think you explained it was-
20:38 Speaker 03 I might have been bragging about it.
20:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you, what was most likely happening is you were slagging off our mutual friend for being unhygienic about something,
20:46 Speaker 03 Right.
20:46 Speaker 04 possibly to do with his foot or something that led to you being like, mate, when I'm in this situation, I'll do this.
20:51 Speaker 03 Right.
20:51 Speaker 04 And then we were all like, you've come out of this more mad than whatever weird bollocks he was dipping his toes in.
20:57 Speaker 03 That's happened quite a lot in my life, yeah.
20:58 Speaker 02 I kind of don't mind it though. I'd rather you were clean than squishy.
21:00 Speaker 04 It's been the other way around, yeah.
21:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, I did once catch scabies from an ex-boyfriend's house, so.
21:06 Speaker 04 What?
21:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course.
21:07 Speaker 04 How, do you know for sure that it was from his house?
21:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was a student house.
21:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's rough.
21:15 Speaker 03 A mate of mine caught scabies off a sofa in a student house as well.
21:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, it might have been off the sofa.
21:19 Speaker 04 Is it like, how do you, so how do you get scabies?
21:21 Speaker 02 They're just on stuff, I think.
21:23 Speaker 03 What is scabies? Sorry, I'm starting to think, scabies not like the lurgy? Is scabies a real one? Have we made that up?
21:29 Speaker 04 Yeah, what is it?
21:29 Speaker 02 No, you're thinking skin cheese.
21:31 Speaker 03 Oh, skin cheese.
21:31 Speaker 02 Skin cheese is where-
21:32 Speaker 03 Tapping on the window there.
21:33 Speaker 02 Skin cheese is when you don't want to be on, so you've got skin cheese.
21:37 Speaker 03 That's so you can't get scabies.
21:38 Speaker 02 You've never heard of skin cheese? Like skin cheese?
21:41 Speaker 04 Yeah, you know all the knows are weird. Yeah, what do you call knock down ginger and fucking knock a door on?
21:47 Speaker 03 Do you know, I found out my last, I had a full tour, we're all over the place here. I had a full tour and I had a massive routine about knock a door, run and knock down ginger, whatever you call it. You know, my last date, after I'd recorded it for a special and everything, the last date was in Belfast. Do you know what they call it in Belfast?
22:02 Speaker 04 No idea.
22:03 Speaker 03 Guess.
22:04 Speaker 04 And I'm not, actually, I'm not going to guess anything about Belfast. I will not fall into this trap. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna make any assumptions about Belfast.
22:11 Speaker 03 You've said it.
22:12 Speaker 04 What?
22:12 Speaker 03 Belfast.
22:13 Speaker 04 No way. No, it's not. They absolutely had you on there. You've fallen for it. All of that crowd are still laughing at the fact they tricked you into thinking it's called Belfast.
22:22 Speaker 03 Belfast.
22:23 Speaker 04 As if.
22:23 Speaker 03 I'm telling you.
22:24 Speaker 04 As if it's called Belfast.
22:25 Speaker 03 Belfast. I swear to God, full, full crowds were like, yeah, I was like, you call it Belfast?
22:29 Speaker 02 If that is, if that's true, that is nuts.
22:31 Speaker 03 I was like, this is the fucking last night of me tour and I've just recorded it and I've,
22:34 Speaker 04 you don't get to say.
22:35 Speaker 03 Oh, Belfast. I've done it in the Royal Variety.
22:40 Speaker 04 Yeah. It would have been perfect. This would have been perfect.
22:42 Speaker 03 It was unbelievable. But yeah, so scabies, right. So shingles is.
22:45 Speaker 04 Is scabies like rash?
22:47 Speaker 02 It was like a rash. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:48 Speaker 03 So scabies is rash. What's shingles? Shingles is?
22:50 Speaker 02 Shingles is adult chickenpox.
22:53 Speaker 03 Oh, fuck, yeah.
22:54 Speaker 02 Make you really poorly. Yeah.
22:55 Speaker 04 Right.
22:56 Speaker 03 Yeah. Because you can get them through stress, can't you?
22:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
22:59 Speaker 03 But you get scabies just off having sex with dirty students on sofas?
23:02 Speaker 02 Um.
23:03 Speaker 03 Specifically.
23:04 Speaker 02 I can't remember having sex on the sofa, if I'm honest. I think I just sat on it.
23:08 Speaker 03 Prude?
23:08 Speaker 04 Yeah.
23:10 Speaker 03 Fucking frigid.
23:14 Speaker 04 Well, I hate to come on your podcast and call you frigid, but I will. If I have to, I will. I'll go on every podcast around the country and call the host frigid if I have to. Mate, I'll make that my mission. This is what I want to do from now on. I want to like have an annual, I don't have kids, right? So I actually have more time than I give myself credit for. So I now need an annual project, right?
23:32 Speaker 02 This should be it.
23:33 Speaker 04 And so if it's like learn a language or something like that, but actually it's going to be tick off as many podcast hosts that you can call frigid on their podcast as possible and see if anyone notices that you've been doing this everywhere.
23:42 Speaker 02 I know. I quite enjoy it because I was anything but. So it's actually quite nice.
23:45 Speaker 04 There you go, yeah. Reputation will change.
23:46 Speaker 03 Very nice.
23:47 Speaker 04 Um, what's mumps then?
23:49 Speaker 02 Oh, Jesus.
23:50 Speaker 04 Is that more serious? That's more.
23:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. Don't, don't we have vaccinations for mumps?
23:55 Speaker 03 Measles, mumps and M R.
23:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's the glass one where you.
24:00 Speaker 03 No, that's, that's measles. If you've got measles, you rub a glass over it.
24:03 Speaker 02 I've never had mumps. Have you ever had foot and mouth? Hand, foot and mouth?
24:07 Speaker 03 She's not, sorry, that's out of sexual favour.
24:10 Speaker 04 You're not frigid at all, my god.
24:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, she's not frigid at all. She's just off the toilet.
24:14 Speaker 04 Jesus, I haven't, but I'll try it.
24:19 Speaker 04 If it's available, yeah. Who said there wasn't a fee for this show? Wow. You really treat your guests better than off menu, let me tell you.
24:27 Speaker 02 I will not be called frigid.
24:31 Speaker 04 Not if I want.
24:32 Speaker 03 I will suck a man off in the toilet just to prove I am nothing, anything like a frigidness.
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25:41 Speaker 01 Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite? Uh, Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
25:50 Speaker 01 Hey, let's get back to work, please. But Taylor Hanson's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.
25:56 Speaker 04 Taylor Hanson? Nice.
25:58 Speaker 03 Try one.
25:59 Speaker 04 Mmm.
26:03 Speaker 04 King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.
26:13 Speaker 04 I did once do a corporate gig where my, it was in the, in Proud Embankment. And Proud Embankment were hosting the Young. What?
26:22 Speaker 02 I don't know what that is.
26:23 Speaker 04 Proud Embankment is this big sort of glamorous cabaret club.
26:26 Speaker 02 Okay.
26:26 Speaker 04 I don't think it's there anymore.
26:27 Speaker 03 Is it London?
26:28 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, um, it was Proud Embankment, which is like, I think it's a big gay cabaret bar, basically.
26:34 Speaker 02 Okay.
26:35 Speaker 04 And it was hosting on this night, the Young Pension Awards. Try and make sense of that, because I certainly didn't have anything to say about it. Young Pension Awards? Pensions, please. Yeah. Don't know what that means. I think it's young people who work in pensions. I should know this by now, given the gig was 10 years ago. I still haven't done the research.
26:48 Speaker 02 Young Pension.
26:49 Speaker 04 But my dressing room was just like kind of this windowless tiny box room. And, uh, yeah, and that was it. And it was like, not one of those corporates where they put you up in a fancy hotel or anything like that. It was like, just go in there for five hours and just wait. But when we did it, we did the rehearsal. For some reason, Arj from The Only Way Is Essex was in the venue because he was playing in the venue in like a month.
27:07 Speaker 02 Singing.
27:08 Speaker 04 He was like singing, doing a sound check.
27:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:09 Speaker 04 And then he just went and sat in my dressing room with like his entourage, but he wasn't even playing that night. He was just like, and he wouldn't get out. And so I had to get like staff from the venue to be like, can you leave? Because this is, I'd like asked and they were just like, no, we're just gonna be here for a bit. And I was like, I can't believe I'm getting bullied by Arj from The Only Way Is Essex. This is pathetic. So anyway, eventually he leaves, but this sort of starts the day off on quite a bad note. So then he leaves and then I'm sat in the dressing room and normally you would just like, I would just chill out in whatever they've got in the fancy hotel and just wait there. But because it was so, it was like, it was just a horrible tiny room. I went out for dinner and came back. By the time I came back, in the room, there were like ring dancers suspended from the ceiling, like dancing in rings above the Young Pension Awards.
27:49 Speaker 04 Right? And they were like, they're like basically naked. They're just like in like bikini type clothes and they're just like floating around doing all this shit while they all have dinner below them. And, um, I go into my dressing room and now, and I realize from all the feather boas and sushi that are around that I'm obviously sharing this dressing room with said ring dancers. So I sit there, it's tiny, this place. I'm sitting, I'm trying to write a set about Young Pensions or whatever. They eventually both come back in and they're just like, oh, hi. And then they go and like sit over here and I'm just like in this bit like, yeah. And I'm like typing away. Then these two ring dancers loudly have a conversation about how they both currently have mumps.
28:23 Speaker 02 Right. I had no, when you started talking, I was like, I thought we were talking about mumps. Right.
28:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's what, and I'm, so I'm immediately texting my mum like, have I had the MMR vaccine? Because I'm in a windowless box room with two naked ring dancers who currently have mumps, who just by the way, performed suspended above an entire party.
28:45 Speaker 02 Have all invented your fashion?
28:48 Speaker 03 Chemical warfare.
28:49 Speaker 04 Yeah. Release the ring dancers. These pensioners are getting too young.
28:54 Speaker 03 Oh my god.
28:55 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:56 Speaker 02 She'll be vulnerable.
28:58 Speaker 04 So I'm doing that, I can't get any signal because I'm in this airlocked room with these fucking, they eventually like pack up their feather boas and leave.
29:06 Speaker 03 That's awful.
29:06 Speaker 04 I then go into the, there's a little bathroom bit of this and I just go in there, then I'm gonna come out, I've got to get changed into my suit and then go on.
29:11 Speaker 03 Do you find a mump?
29:14 Speaker 04 I wish. What happened when I came out is there was just someone, one of the patrons of the party, one of the people who was up for an award, was just now in my dressing room breastfeeding.
29:24 Speaker 04 And I was like, don't do that in here, there's mumps in here. Of all the places, there's no way your baby's had a vaccination yet.
29:29 Speaker 03 There's not mumps in here.
29:31 Speaker 04 There's mumps in here. Absolutely dreadful, really awkward. They, I come out, she was like, they said I could do it in here.
29:37 Speaker 02 Did you tell her about the mumps? Do you not want to worry her?
29:41 Speaker 04 I'll be honest, the conversation we had was quite awkward already.
29:44 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:45 Speaker 04 Someone is openly breastfeeding that I've never met in front of me.
29:47 Speaker 03 Ah, Reece, I'm just gonna put this out here, I don't think that was your dressing room, pal.
29:52 Speaker 03 I'm gonna say it.
29:52 Speaker 04 It was Arge's.
29:53 Speaker 03 I don't think you had a dressing room. I don't think you had a dressing room.
29:56 Speaker 04 Do you think I didn't even have one?
29:57 Speaker 03 You had a communal area that they had told you for ego purposes that that was your dressing room.
30:02 Speaker 02 It's the green room.
30:03 Speaker 04 Yeah.
30:05 Speaker 02 But what I'm, I'm gonna have to Google mumps after this.
30:07 Speaker 04 I didn't get mumps, so I must have, I must have been vaccinated.
30:09 Speaker 02 I think you must have to be quite close.
30:11 Speaker 04 I don't know. I was quite close.
30:13 Speaker 03 Apologies to the mump community.
30:17 Speaker 04 No, actually, I don't apologise to the mum community.
30:20 Speaker 03 I mean, because of our ignorance towards mumps.
30:24 Speaker 02 But I know about measles and rubella.
30:25 Speaker 03 I've got a worse dressing room corporate story than that, but it's not my story, it's Carl Hutchinson's story, but I'm sure he's told it on his podcast. I don't know if I've told you before, has he?
30:33 Speaker 02 Stealing material.
30:34 Speaker 03 Are you aware, no, this is just something Carl's told us. Are you aware of when he was, he was doing a gig somewhere and there was a, the, the, the venue was a strip club afterwards?
30:44 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
30:45 Speaker 04 My god.
30:46 Speaker 03 Because he's told me this so many times. He was just like going through his notes, ready to go on, and there was a male stripper there next to him, watching porn on his phone, just,
30:59 Speaker 03 just getting himself gig ready.
31:01 Speaker 04 Oh my god. Oh my god.
31:04 Speaker 03 Carl got an email.
31:05 Speaker 04 That's so good.
31:06 Speaker 03 Carl got an email after the gig saying like, was everything alright? And he emailed back, he's like, no, actually, everything wasn't alright. And he searched the email, he showed us it and he sent items.
31:16 Speaker 04 No, it wasn't alright.
31:18 Speaker 03 It wasn't alright. There was a male stripper.
31:20 Speaker 04 Oh my god.
31:21 Speaker 03 And what, Carl's exact words in the email were, woman, he's not.
31:28 Speaker 04 Oh my god.
31:29 Speaker 02 Oh no.
31:30 Speaker 04 Also gutting for any like, you know, female visitors to strip clubs who want to see male strippers, knowing that that's actually fake.
31:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:38 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, no, it's not.
31:39 Speaker 03 He's not excited to see you.
31:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Well, Fluffa's, he's putting Fluffa's out of business.
31:44 Speaker 03 He's his own Fluffa. Saved a few quid there.
31:45 Speaker 04 Did Carl manage to see what he was watching specifically?
31:48 Speaker 03 Got no idea.
31:49 Speaker 04 Because if I'm Carl, you know, I'm livid, but I'm fine again.
31:52 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah. What do professionals watch?
31:53 Speaker 04 Yeah. He's a real stripper stripper.
31:57 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh, he gets the good stuff.
31:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, exactly.
32:00 Speaker 03 That's porn hub pro.
32:02 Speaker 04 It's when someone goes, you're a comedian, what makes you laugh? And then you say like a really niche comedian, that's like a character. They're watching like really weird clown porn. Just a bit different. We've seen all the hack stuff, you know. The thing is, if you watch normal porn, I just know where it's going. You know, I just sort of, you can see like the joins a little bit.
32:17 Speaker 03 It's like a busman's holiday if I'm honest with you. I've got to watch the, I've got to watch the good stuff.
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33:54 Speaker 03 Sorry, dead quick.
33:55 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah. Is there another weird one on there?
33:58 Speaker 03 Just another weird one that I need. You used to go home from sixth form and have focaccia with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and watch Flight of the Conchords.
34:05 Speaker 04 Yeah, this isn't off-menu, but yeah.
34:06 Speaker 03 We're from different worlds.
34:07 Speaker 04 Yeah, not every day, but most days.
34:10 Speaker 03 Describe yourself as a sparrow.
34:12 Speaker 04 No, well, I've been described as a sparrow. There was a period where I looked very bird-like. And I would be described as a sparrow by... It started by, do you remember comedy promoter Cory Shaw?
34:21 Speaker 03 Yes.
34:22 Speaker 04 Used to work for Chortle?
34:23 Speaker 03 Yes, I know Cory.
34:24 Speaker 04 Would always call me Sparrow, and then that caught on.
34:26 Speaker 03 There it is.
34:27 Speaker 04 For a fringe, yeah, I was known as Sparrow.
34:28 Speaker 02 Bird-like is a thing?
34:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
34:32 Speaker 02 Well, at the minute.
34:32 Speaker 03 Tom Rosenthal, very bird-like.
34:34 Speaker 04 Yeah, but also sounds very bird-like.
34:36 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:37 Speaker 04 Squeaky.
34:39 Speaker 02 But I think it'll have a thing around, because at the minute, isn't the rat look really in with the men?
34:44 Speaker 04 Yep, sure.
34:44 Speaker 03 Sorry.
34:45 Speaker 02 So your time will come, the bird look will come.
34:47 Speaker 03 That is the worst compliment.
34:49 Speaker 04 No, but it is true. I know what you're referring to.
34:50 Speaker 02 It's a big thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:52 Speaker 03 What do you mean?
34:52 Speaker 04 Rat Boys, Rat Boys Summer.
34:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:54 Speaker 04 I think Rat Boy Summer's out. I think that was a couple of summers ago sadly.
34:57 Speaker 02 Oh, sorry. I'm still behind in time.
34:58 Speaker 03 What the fuck is this?
34:59 Speaker 04 They say it's a Rat Boy Summer. It wasn't a Rat Boy Summer.
35:01 Speaker 03 I thought it was Brat Summer.
35:02 Speaker 02 That's something totally different.
35:04 Speaker 04 That was that as well.
35:04 Speaker 02 That's very different.
35:05 Speaker 03 Right, explain Rat Boy to us, please.
35:06 Speaker 02 Just so very quickly, a couple of people. I think the main guy in the bear, he's a bit rat-looking.
35:12 Speaker 04 Yeah, you're Josh O'Connor's, you're Timothy Chalamet's.
35:15 Speaker 02 Yes.
35:15 Speaker 04 You know, this sort of like slightly ratty features, rather than like a hunky jock look. It was like the ratty facial features.
35:23 Speaker 02 Chris doesn't look at anything.
35:24 Speaker 04 What was popular for a bit.
35:26 Speaker 03 I don't understand.
35:27 Speaker 02 But I'm saying bird will have it, I think.
35:28 Speaker 04 Bird.
35:29 Speaker 02 Give bird, it'll be, it'll come around, bird boy, bird boy summer.
35:32 Speaker 04 Sparrow summer.
35:33 Speaker 02 I'll shoot it.
35:33 Speaker 04 When Sparrow summer comes in, I'm gonna clean up.
35:35 Speaker 03 It's gonna be spring, innit? It's gonna be Sparrow spring.
35:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sparrows are out. Listen, the sparrows are out and it's just me doing stand-up.
35:42 Speaker 02 I'm just trying to think what you look like.
35:44 Speaker 03 I don't wanna fucking know.
35:45 Speaker 02 No, you're like a little, like a puggish, like a little pug.
35:47 Speaker 03 Fuck you.
35:48 Speaker 02 No, in a nice way, like you look like a German shepherd. You look like a dog, like.
35:54 Speaker 03 I'm so kind, I'm so inbred. I'm inbred, I'm cross-eyed, I can't go up hills.
35:58 Speaker 02 No, if there was an animal, I'd say you're like a dog.
36:00 Speaker 03 Right, okay.
36:01 Speaker 04 In a way, just to go back to sort of internet lingo, in a golden retriever kind of way, do you think you have a golden retriever husband?
36:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, yes. Yeah, he's a walking, you're a green flag.
36:12 Speaker 03 A green flag?
36:13 Speaker 02 Yes.
36:13 Speaker 03 I'll take that.
36:14 Speaker 02 You're a green flag.
36:15 Speaker 04 He scrapes his chimney sweep feet before he gets into bed. That's not a red flag.
36:18 Speaker 02 He's delicious. You're a little green flag.
36:20 Speaker 03 Alsatian autumn? An Alsatian autumn coming up?
36:23 Speaker 02 Something like that.
36:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
36:24 Speaker 02 Your time will come, don't you worry. Right, okay, let's do this.
36:26 Speaker 03 Rat Boy Summer.
36:27 Speaker 04 Rat Boy Summer, it's gotta come back.
36:29 Speaker 02 I'll show you. There was an article online, I'll show you.
36:31 Speaker 03 Fucking hell, I feel a thousand years old. Cold, I'm confused, I wanna go home.
36:36 Speaker 04 Your young listeners, though, do you have them?
36:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:40 Speaker 02 We do, we go all the ages.
36:42 Speaker 04 All the ages.
36:43 Speaker 02 We span the decades.
36:44 Speaker 04 Me too, I do the Young Pension Awards. I'm covering both. Okay, fine, your young listeners will also be thinking that you sound a thousand years old because Rat Boy Summers is out. That was ages ago.
36:54 Speaker 02 Oh god. He has me thinking it was literally just.
36:56 Speaker 03 He has a quick one, just about your rings, the people doing the rings.
36:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:59 Speaker 03 I did a corporate once, I've told you this.
37:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, you've told.
37:02 Speaker 03 Camden Roundhouse.
37:03 Speaker 04 Oh yeah, tough venue.
37:05 Speaker 03 Tough venue, very high ceilings, concrete floor. They had silks on beforehand. Now, the silks are like the rings, but they're the ones that are just on a big ribbon.
37:13 Speaker 04 Oh, fuck me.
37:14 Speaker 03 And they do that bit at the end where they roll themselves up like a roller blind and they come down and they stop just before the floor. One of them didn't stop. So I'm talking 25, 30, 40 feet from the top of the thing.
37:25 Speaker 02 Yep, cracked my head open.
37:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, that was my next question.
37:27 Speaker 03 Cracked her head open, broke her collarbone in her wrist or something, literally smashed into the floor. I was introduced as the very funny comedian Chris Ramsey while someone was wiping her blood off the floor with a towel.
37:41 Speaker 02 Great.
37:42 Speaker 04 Oh my god.
37:43 Speaker 02 Great.
37:43 Speaker 04 What is your opener there? What is your opener there?
37:46 Speaker 03 It was a blur.
37:47 Speaker 04 Welcome to the Health and Safety Awards.
37:48 Speaker 03 It was a blur. And they said, can you just assure everyone that's just okay? And that the exact line they gave us was, you don't get as good as she is at doing that without hurting yourself a few times. She's an athlete, she's done it, she's probably, so she'll be absolutely fine, kind of thing. I had to do it, it was horrible. She was carried backstage like she'd been hit by a car.
38:08 Speaker 02 Oh my god.
38:08 Speaker 03 And walked past us and I went on and I could see someone just wiping her blood up and people were just like, they were eating, they'd stopped eating. People were fucking standing, people were crying.
38:15 Speaker 02 That's...
38:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, I was like, so the other day, right?
38:18 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, so my wife.
38:19 Speaker 03 I know you're on a bus, over here guys, over here. And then I remember doing 10 minutes of the worst stand-up I've ever done, like the worst, you know, the worst crowd, the worst setting, you know, it was all right stand-up.
38:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
38:29 Speaker 03 The worst setting and then literally like, okay, award number one of 35, I had to do the full awards as well. It was rotten.
38:36 Speaker 04 Fuck me. It must have looked like when you let go of a toilet roll. But you're still holding the end.
38:40 Speaker 02 Yeah.
38:40 Speaker 03 It's all gone. The noise, the fucking noise.
38:43 Speaker 04 Thud.
38:44 Speaker 03 Crazy.
38:44 Speaker 02 Oh god.
38:45 Speaker 03 So there you go. So read your little story.
38:46 Speaker 02 Okay, so let's do, let's do this story then.
38:48 Speaker 04 If I brought this in.
38:49 Speaker 02 Jesus Christ.
38:51 Speaker 04 And now can we get to the crux of the thing? I want to read my little story.
38:53 Speaker 03 Yes.
38:53 Speaker 04 That's why I've come here. Okay, dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous for the sake of my professional registration.
38:59 Speaker 02 Oh.
39:00 Speaker 04 And also because I never want this woman finding me again. I work in oral and maxillofacial surgery.
39:07 Speaker 02 Ooh.
39:07 Speaker 04 You heard of that?
39:08 Speaker 02 No.
39:08 Speaker 03 No.
39:09 Speaker 04 Maxillofacial.
39:10 Speaker 02 Is that when they put the fingers in your mouth?
39:13 Speaker 04 You're not frigid at all. My god, how dare I?
39:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, you picked your wrong slag.
39:21 Speaker 03 Here's a problem that we've got, by the way. She says freely uses the word slag so much that sometimes I accidentally use it when I'm not with her and get some weird looks.
39:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're not allowed to say slag.
39:30 Speaker 04 It's slag out.
39:31 Speaker 02 No, for women it's in, but I don't think men are allowed to say slag.
39:34 Speaker 03 But now and then I'll be like, oh slag, and people look at us, I go, oh fuck, I'm not with Rosie. I kind of get a bye. Whenever Rosie, I get, I get, I get allowed to say it.
39:41 Speaker 04 You need a hall pass. My mum says I'm allowed to say slag, actually. Wow. Okay, so it says, so think facial trauma, abscesses, and a staggering number of drunk people knocking their own teeth out.
39:52 Speaker 02 All right, okay, nice.
39:54 Speaker 04 But it is kind of what we've been discussing this whole episode.
39:56 Speaker 03 It's joyous.
39:57 Speaker 02 Not my tooth though, 18 drunk.
39:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:59 Speaker 02 I did it twice, then I did it again when I was 24.
40:01 Speaker 04 And did you go, what happened?
40:02 Speaker 02 I swam to the dentist.
40:03 Speaker 04 And did you, they put that, was that tooth smashed, or did they give you a fake one?
40:07 Speaker 02 I got a fill in. If you look really closely.
40:09 Speaker 04 Yeah.
40:10 Speaker 02 You can tell.
40:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:11 Speaker 02 Look closely. I actually swam to the dentist the other day.
40:14 Speaker 03 And she's giving you a foot and mouth, you can have a good look.
40:15 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, when I'm doing your hand foot mouth.
40:18 Speaker 04 When I'm doing your hand foot mouth. What a phrase, what a phrase, dude.
40:22 Speaker 02 I went to the dentist just the other day, I can barely, the other day, and I had to have a nerve test because he's like, yeah, it's going a bit grey. I was like, great.
40:28 Speaker 04 It's grey.
40:29 Speaker 02 It's going a bit grey. It's still alive.
40:30 Speaker 04 Dead tooth.
40:31 Speaker 02 It's still alive. No, it's still hanging in there. Two decades later.
40:35 Speaker 04 You can, it's when there's certain light, isn't there? If you're like in a nightclub, and then it's like the.
40:39 Speaker 03 We'll not have to worry about that.
40:41 Speaker 04 And you smile, and then one of them's just like, they're all white, and one of them's blanked out or whatever.
40:44 Speaker 02 I know.
40:45 Speaker 04 Or the other way around, I don't know.
40:45 Speaker 02 Right, sorry. Trauma.
40:47 Speaker 03 Okay.
40:49 Speaker 04 Anyway, yeah, after five years of blood, pus and chaos, I thought I'd seen it all. I had not. Last summer, I was running a clinic seeing new GP referrals. In walks this lovely lady and I start taking a history. She tells me she has a partial upper denture. There we go.
41:04 Speaker 02 Oh.
41:04 Speaker 04 Uh, one where you still have some of your own teeth, so it just fills the gaps. Um, so she got that but hasn't seen a dentist in ages.
41:11 Speaker 02 Okay.
41:11 Speaker 04 During this time, one of her front teeth has fallen out. Now, most people in this situation have two options. Uh, go to a dentist like a normal human being, uh, or accept the gap and do nothing about it.
41:23 Speaker 03 Which is dumb.
41:23 Speaker 04 Second card.
41:24 Speaker 03 I know exactly what's happened. Yeah, this is horrible.
41:26 Speaker 04 This lady chose the secret third option and went for go feral and take matters into her own hands. She proudly tells me she sorted it herself and removes her denture to show me her handiwork. At this point, I'm expecting maybe a bit of dodgy glue, some chewing gum. No, she had, I'd like to invite guesses.
41:47 Speaker 03 Oh, well, that was me. That was me guess. I thought she'd glued it. I thought she'd glued the other tooth to the denture. But it's not glue. It's something else.
41:53 Speaker 04 Not glue, it's not chewing gum.
41:54 Speaker 03 Oh, so she's, what she's done is, so she's got this palette, it's like a, like a braces palette, but it's got the tooth that was there by the dentist. Now she's knocked another tooth out. So my thought was, I went, she's just glued it to the thing, but she hasn't just glued it. She's done something else.
42:08 Speaker 02 But I think, has she put a bit of mug?
42:11 Speaker 04 What a great shout that is. A bit of mug.
42:13 Speaker 02 Or like a bit, a little porcelain.
42:17 Speaker 04 But like with a logo on it. Mock the what?
42:22 Speaker 04 World's best.
42:24 Speaker 03 Happy Mother's Day.
42:25 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
42:26 Speaker 02 Dishwasher, say. Um.
42:29 Speaker 04 The little dishwasher, say, if I go.
42:33 Speaker 02 But am I wrong?
42:33 Speaker 04 Sports Direct. Fucking hell, it's a big tooth.
42:37 Speaker 02 So it's not that though? It's not that?
42:39 Speaker 04 It's not a bit of mug, no.
42:40 Speaker 02 Okay, okay, okay.
42:40 Speaker 03 What is it? Cause I thought she just glued the extra tooth to it, which she hasn't.
42:43 Speaker 04 This woman, you're gonna lose your mind especially. This woman had grown out one of her fingernails to tooth length. Off. Cut it off and super glued it onto her denture to replace the missing tooth. She had made a nail tooth. Safe to say, I'll never complain about a slightly dodgy denture again.
43:03 Speaker 03 That.
43:04 Speaker 02 That's.
43:05 Speaker 04 That is so inconsistent, though. Like, the feeling you get on your tongue of your tooth behind is like.
43:11 Speaker 02 That's just, you'd have been better off doing a mug.
43:13 Speaker 03 I was just about to say, a mug would have been better.
43:15 Speaker 04 Mug is the right thickness, yeah, yeah.
43:16 Speaker 03 Just the handle, just the handle of a white mug.
43:18 Speaker 02 Holy shit.
43:19 Speaker 03 A handle. Yeah, a little bit, you know, a little bit of curve in it, a little bit of curve in it for you.
43:22 Speaker 04 I'm not going, I'm, handle is the most rogue I've ever heard in my fucking life.
43:26 Speaker 02 I was thinking a chip, that's disgusting.
43:28 Speaker 04 Handle's way too thick.
43:29 Speaker 03 I don't think, I don't think.
43:30 Speaker 04 It's a full handle coming down, you know what I'm imagining now?
43:33 Speaker 03 Like one of them goats where the horn grows into their eye. Um, that has upset me so much.
43:39 Speaker 04 What you're feeling in your mouth is, that must be.
43:41 Speaker 02 Just some nails.
43:42 Speaker 03 I wouldn't have a bit of stop tongue in that, I would have ulcers on the end of my tongue.
43:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:45 Speaker 04 What if you bite your nails? You're constantly biting your own tooth off with, with your tooth.
43:48 Speaker 02 With your teeth. We've had some wild stuff on here and that is, that's up there, that's crazy.
43:53 Speaker 04 You'd also, you'd definitely notice looking at it when they smile.
43:56 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, but yellow.
43:57 Speaker 04 It's gonna look like a little cap, like a little peek of a cap. Yeah, all right, so there's a white bit at the bottom, you mean? A white bit at the bottom.
44:04 Speaker 03 Oh.
44:05 Speaker 02 In their defence.
44:06 Speaker 03 White nail polish, oh.
44:07 Speaker 02 Well, it's part of their.
44:08 Speaker 04 It's gotta be, right, because it doesn't, it doesn't look, a nail doesn't look, I've never looked at my nails and gone and thought they look like it.
44:13 Speaker 02 No, mine are like yellow, they're disgusting.
44:16 Speaker 03 She's buzzing about it as well.
44:17 Speaker 02 Well, but it is part of our body, I suppose, just thought, like recycle, reuse, whatever.
44:21 Speaker 04 And you could paint it any colour as well, so if you wanted a red one that day.
44:24 Speaker 02 Gold.
44:25 Speaker 03 Christmas, yeah, New Year's Eve, put a gold or silver.
44:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, just glitter for Christmas, yeah.
44:28 Speaker 03 I suppose that must have metal grills, won't it? No, we can't defend this, I'm not having it, we're trying to be nice here, just in case.
44:34 Speaker 04 How are you biting down on anything?
44:36 Speaker 03 You're taking it out to eat.
44:37 Speaker 02 You can't eat without.
44:38 Speaker 03 You've got to take it out to eat, you take them out to eat anyway, otherwise you have a sandwich, it's gonna get all behind it, you take them out to eat, yeah. But yeah, that's.
44:45 Speaker 02 Um, this has been really nice.
44:47 Speaker 03 It's been so lovely to see you.
44:48 Speaker 04 What a pleasure.
44:49 Speaker 02 But we've got, we've got to go, this is actually.
44:51 Speaker 04 Cracking heads open and whatnot.
44:51 Speaker 03 It's been very, yeah, there's been a lot of medical trauma, there's been heads cracking open, there's been, well, you've got a theme, so you can write to a theme, don't worry about it, just, there we go.
45:00 Speaker 04 That's all I can do, that's the problem, I can't write not to a theme. If you say crack your head open, I'll talk for an hour.
45:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:06 Speaker 04 If you go, speak about what you want, I go, uh, I don't know.
45:07 Speaker 03 But your tour is called Chop Logic.
45:10 Speaker 04 Yeah.
45:10 Speaker 03 Why?
45:11 Speaker 04 Chop logic is an old phrase that means basically taking the bits of an argument that help you and so and just sort of like manipulating an argument around. So just not giving everything out. But also, there's quite a big bit about haircuts in it. So I thought it's quite satisfying. I've got a big bit about Turkish barber shops, basically.
45:28 Speaker 03 Brilliant.
45:28 Speaker 04 And how we can use the logic of Turkish barber shops to basically fix the country.
45:32 Speaker 03 Right, okay.
45:33 Speaker 04 But I can't give any more away because it's the best joke in the show.
45:35 Speaker 02 Okay, but you need to go say it.
45:37 Speaker 04 The only good joke in the show is my theory on the Turkey circular economy. So I can't say it yet. But that is sort of like, I thought, maybe that's a bit satisfying because chop, no one's going to make that connection at all.
45:46 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:47 Speaker 04 But you have to come up with a title and I didn't want to do 2020.
45:52 Speaker 03 Never name it after the year. Never name it after the year.
45:55 Speaker 02 Very silly, very silly.
45:57 Speaker 03 Uh, Reece James, thank you so much.
45:58 Speaker 04 Thank you so much. What a privilege to see you both again. I'll see you in 10 years.
46:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
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46:41 Speaker 05 Ugh, I hate Mondays.
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Previous Ikea Role Play , Mouth Breathers and Chris Gets Owned by a Bouncy Castle Next Rosie Gets Scammed By An Inflatable D*ck Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated