Pod Insights Sh**ged Married Annoyed Ikea Role Play , Mouth Breathers and Chris Gets Owned by a Bouncy Castle About this episode On this week Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie Ramsey discuss flat pack furniture (which involves some customer service roleplay), a difficult time with a bouncy castle , what hay fever has turned Chris in to. and Rosie is caught eating an unusual snack!
There's some advice to be given that involves supermarket points and an ex boyfriend, plus some real life experience from a one time Findomme!
All of this plus QFTP's involving dry humping, cuckolding and loads more!
If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice
notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!
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You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed
YouTube channel: youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed
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Transcript 12,719 words · 7 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Marid annoyed.
0:02 Speaker 01 Bit of Ikea role play. Not like that.
0:05 Speaker 00 You loved it. Oh, it's not like that though. Yeah, it's not like that at all. I genuinely believe I've given myself hay fever. We'll see what happens.
0:10 Speaker 01 Oh, them sheets are coming out here. Awful.
0:12 Speaker 00 Dew is out.
0:13 Speaker 01 Beef's as usual.
0:14 Speaker 00 And some awesome voice notes and questions.
0:17 Speaker 01 Yes.
0:18 Speaker 00 Enjoy.
0:21 Speaker 02 Fall never arrives all at once. Burst the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.
0:49 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+
0:55 Speaker 04 What are you waiting for? Hop on.
0:57 Speaker 03 The must see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+
1:01 Speaker 04 This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt.
1:11 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu now streaming on Disney+, rated PG 13.
1:19 Speaker 01 Hello, you are listening and watching Shag Marid annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher.
1:24 Speaker 00 Hello, hello.
1:26 Speaker 01 Hope you're all well, enjoying the hailstones.
1:28 Speaker 00 We got every fucking season in one day the other day.
1:30 Speaker 01 I know, but hang on, we might be a bit out of sync because we are on holidays. So these are sort of like backlog a little bit.
1:37 Speaker 00 This has been recorded a couple of weeks ago.
1:38 Speaker 01 I've got a feeling there's gonna be a heatwave, so I think there might have been a bit of heat.
1:42 Speaker 00 Oh, I've got, there's always a heatwave when we go on holiday.
1:44 Speaker 01 Every single time.
1:45 Speaker 00 Do you want a heatwave? England, do you want a heatwave? Just book, make sure, find out when we're going on holiday and book your time off at home, your staycation for when we leave the country.
1:53 Speaker 01 Why is that?
1:54 Speaker 00 Cause, cause.
1:54 Speaker 01 And we don't even go on holiday that much.
1:56 Speaker 00 Yeah, I've noticed that. It is fucking irritating, mate.
1:58 Speaker 01 I know. Anyway, I'm gonna start the podcast. I've got an apology to make.
2:02 Speaker 00 Yes.
2:03 Speaker 01 Okay.
2:04 Speaker 00 And I accept. Is it just for your general behaviour and just the way you act around the house and stuff?
2:08 Speaker 01 Never, I will never apologise for that.
2:10 Speaker 00 Okay, great. What's about then?
2:11 Speaker 01 No, so a couple of weeks ago, I, for some, I don't even know why, we talked about homeschooling. And I was a little bit aggressive in what I said. And I think I've upset a few people who are homeschooling and genuinely, hand on heart, I never want to upset anyone.
2:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm the same.
2:27 Speaker 01 It's not how, it's not my vibe, like. I think sometimes we forget, we sit here as a couple.
2:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:32 Speaker 01 And we're, and we're just talking, there's nobody else here. And I think, I genuinely, okay, let's just say it. I don't want to upset people.
2:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:41 Speaker 01 My opinion is my opinion. I went a bit too harsh. If I was doing it again, somebody said I would not go as harsh. And also, what you do with your child is totally up to you.
2:53 Speaker 00 And at the end of the day, this is a comedy podcast and sometimes you can get irate for comedy purposes. And you do, like, if, if you're homeschooling and, and it's great and it's working for you, then that's absolutely fine. Don't fucking listen to us, but you have to understand that our opinions come through the filter of.
3:06 Speaker 01 Our children.
3:06 Speaker 00 Our children, cards on the table. I do not want my fucking children in the house all day.
3:12 Speaker 01 Yes, but okay, okay, listen, and then this is totally different what I said, but. Our, we're really lucky because we don't have to, but I, and I'm, I'm saying this from a point of view, and I did say that the other week. And I know that some children really struggle at school because I've worked in schools and I also have friends with children who have SEN. Like, I'm not trying, please, please, please. And I, I beg you, I'm not saying it like that. I wasn't trying to be a bitch. I'm not trying to ju, I'm not trying to be judgmental. It was just, it's a comedy podcast. It was just something that was said. And I hope you can all accept my apology because if watching Real Housewives has taught me anything.
3:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:53 Speaker 01 Conflict and resolution.
3:54 Speaker 00 There it is.
3:55 Speaker 01 And so I hope you can all take my apology and I hope that it's working for you and that I hope that it's going well.
4:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's the thing. Cause you've got to understand when our children leave in the morning to go to school, I feel like I've had a fight.
4:09 Speaker 01 Our children enjoy school, so we're really lucky.
4:11 Speaker 00 Yeah, we're lucky they enjoy school. We're lucky that school's working for them. So, yeah, I suppose, yeah. So.
4:15 Speaker 01 And, oh no, I'm just gonna keep going. No, I've just, I've just, all of my best friends are teachers.
4:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:21 Speaker 01 And I see how hard they work. And I think that's why I came so, you know, from that point of view. Cause I see how hard they work and I see genuinely how much they get, they try to give to all of the kids. But that might not be everyone's experience.
4:34 Speaker 00 Well, everyone's experiences are different. It's all relevant. And like I say, every, you know, everything comes from. Our point of view and our opinion. Um, yeah.
4:42 Speaker 01 But our opinions are often shit.
4:44 Speaker 00 Well, we've always said we're not experts, but Christ, when we had the fuck, I hate mentioning it.
4:47 Speaker 01 But no, what I was, what I said to you, sorry, it was just on the tip of my tongue. I could probably, I could possibly have a conversation with someone who homeschools for 20 minutes. And I would pull my kids out of school. That's how much you don't need to take my opinion seriously.
4:59 Speaker 00 So, yes.
5:00 Speaker 01 Because I am very malleable.
5:02 Speaker 00 This is why we don't do any kind of political shows or anything.
5:04 Speaker 01 No, don't talk about politics.
5:06 Speaker 00 I remember, I, I've spoken, I don't wanna say, I don't wanna say his name, but I was speaking to a very famous comedian. Uh, once about this and he was like, that's the, he was like, that's, he was like, that's the reason I don't go on Question Time or anything. Cause one person would say something, I can't do his accent or you'd immediately guess who it was. He'd go, one person would say something and I'd go, he's absolutely right. Then the other person would do their argument. I'd go, Christ, no, he's right. Like, ah.
5:26 Speaker 01 I know, I'm exactly the same. So there you go. All right. Let's carry on.
5:30 Speaker 00 Well done. You know what? No, I'm, you know what? In fact, no, I wasn't offended for us, so I can't, uh, oh God, is the window cleaner behind you? I freaked the fuck out there.
5:37 Speaker 01 Oh shit.
5:38 Speaker 00 I'm not gonna congratulate you for it, uh, uh, uh, uh, an apology, cause it wasn't to me, but you know, one day, hopefully you can be a big enough person to maybe apologize to me for something.
5:48 Speaker 01 You would just, you would love apologies. I know. I don't feel like I've got anything to apologize for.
5:53 Speaker 00 You've got fucking loads to apologize for, mate.
5:55 Speaker 01 We very rarely apologize.
5:57 Speaker 00 Apologize for that bullshit first off. Right, guys. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being part of this silly, messy little world that is Shag Marinoide. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor, it is, yeah. This week's sponsor is, don't cut this box with a knife, even though the only fucking way you can get into it is with a knife.
6:20 Speaker 01 What have you cut? What have you broke? What's happening?
6:22 Speaker 00 I was making, I was making wardrobes recently.
6:24 Speaker 01 Right.
6:25 Speaker 00 I'm making Ikea wardrobes. Big sign on the front.
6:27 Speaker 01 Come out lovely, by the way.
6:27 Speaker 00 Thank you. Big sign it took ages. Big sign on the front. Don't cut this box with a knife. Fucking, fully impossible to get into it without a knife. I'm sick of it. I'm sick.
6:37 Speaker 01 Do you think that's to cover them so you don't chop your hand off? Or is the thing underneath?
6:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, so you don't put a big slice of it through. So you used to just have it on the, you know, the mirrored doors? They used to just have it on the mirrored doors. It was like, don't fucking do this, cause you're gonna put a big slice down the mirror. Every bit of the box, don't cut this with a knife.
6:51 Speaker 01 Okay. Give me a call. I'm Ikea Customer Services.
6:55 Speaker 00 Hello?
6:56 Speaker 01 Hello there. How can I help you? This is Ikea Customer Services.
6:58 Speaker 00 I don't like your accent. Can I speak to a southern person, please?
7:00 Speaker 01 Course you can. All right, governor, this is Ikea customer services.
7:05 Speaker 00 Much better.
7:05 Speaker 01 How can I help?
7:07 Speaker 00 Are you southern or Australian?
7:09 Speaker 01 I, listen, I live all over the place.
7:11 Speaker 00 Ah, okay.
7:12 Speaker 01 What you done? You been cutting your fucking wardrobes with fucking knives again? You can't. What the fuck? Says on the box, do not use a knife to cut the fucking wardrobe.
7:24 Speaker 00 Yes, yes, sorry.
7:24 Speaker 01 Use a pair of scissors like everyone else.
7:26 Speaker 00 First of all, first of all, first of all, Ikea customer services.
7:29 Speaker 01 Use a key. What's wrong with the fucking key? Not got a fucking key. Not got a house, dickhead.
7:33 Speaker 00 Excuse me, can I go back on to the northern person, please? Can I speak to the northern person again?
7:36 Speaker 01 All right, fuck's sake.
7:39 Speaker 01 Hello.
7:39 Speaker 00 Hi.
7:40 Speaker 01 How are you? Sorry about my colleague there.
7:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, what's wrong with your colleague?
7:42 Speaker 01 Oh, honestly, all she does is upset people. She's had to do a five minute apology at the beginning of our comedy podcast. She is just awful.
7:51 Speaker 00 How does she still work here?
7:52 Speaker 01 I don't, honestly don't know, but we have to represent the whole of the United Kingdom.
7:56 Speaker 00 I understand.
7:56 Speaker 01 So you're currently speaking to me. I am from the north east of England.
7:59 Speaker 00 Wonderful, great.
7:59 Speaker 01 We are actually known as a very jolly place.
8:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:01 Speaker 01 And what, what happened to you?
8:02 Speaker 00 Bit of a grubby accent, but I'll talk to you anyway. We'll just carry on. Look, I'll just power through it.
8:05 Speaker 01 That's very classy to be, but that's fine.
8:07 Speaker 00 Listen, um, regionalist, I think you'll find. Listen.
8:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what I meant.
8:10 Speaker 00 Uh, yeah, see, you would have known that if you were southern. Listen, um, I have tried to open me Ikea wardrobes.
8:15 Speaker 01 Yes.
8:16 Speaker 00 Um, I've got two boxes here. One of them I opened with a knife.
8:19 Speaker 01 Yes.
8:20 Speaker 00 Uh, because the other one wouldn't open, uh, sliced the whole part of the front of it, uh, cut it. Uh, the other one wouldn't open without a knife and I've, I've hurt me fingers opening it.
8:28 Speaker 01 It explicitly says on the front of the box, sir, please do not use knives to open the box.
8:32 Speaker 00 Okay, cancel that one. Then the other one, I've hurt me fingers opening it without a knife.
8:35 Speaker 01 Right, okay. What did you use to open it?
8:37 Speaker 00 Me fingers and me teeth and I've, one of my teeth, tooth's come out.
8:40 Speaker 01 Unfortunately, we can't actually do anything about that.
8:43 Speaker 00 How am I supposed to open it? How am I supposed to open it without a knife?
8:45 Speaker 01 Uh, have you got a house?
8:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:48 Speaker 01 You got any keys? Keys. Always open boxes with keys. Doesn't explicitly say that.
8:53 Speaker 00 A key is basically just a blunt knife.
8:53 Speaker 01 I'm just telling you.
8:54 Speaker 00 Key is not strong enough to get through the cardboard. A key is not strong enough to get through the cardboard.
8:57 Speaker 01 It will get through the sellotape, sir.
8:58 Speaker 00 It wasn't the sellotape. They're not sellotape. Do you actually work for Ikea? Because you would know that they're just glued these boxes. There's no sellotape on Ikea boxes.
9:04 Speaker 01 I'm sorry, but, um, it's actually lunchtime. My meatballs are ready, so I'm gonna have to go. I don't like being last in the queue. Um, because sometimes we run out of gravy. All right, thank you so much, sir. I'm really sorry about that. I'm, I hope you can sort out one.
9:19 Speaker 01 You fucking can't.
9:22 Speaker 01 Oh, anyway, I don't know.
9:24 Speaker 00 I love that the Ikea staff are eating Ikea meatballs on the break.
9:27 Speaker 01 Oh my god, why wouldn't you?
9:28 Speaker 00 Yeah, you wouldn't.
9:28 Speaker 01 They're meatballs.
9:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:29 Speaker 01 Oh.
9:30 Speaker 00 Haven't been for a while, you know, I haven't had Ikea meatballs for a while.
9:32 Speaker 01 Well, are you taking the piss? You used to slag them off so much.
9:37 Speaker 00 But you like them, I'm seeing you like them, I'm seeing, well, you haven't had, you haven't had meatballs for a while, I don't like them, but you like them.
9:41 Speaker 01 Oh, this is what he does, you know, this is what he does.
9:43 Speaker 00 It's trying to be nice.
9:44 Speaker 01 You're a gaslighter, because you will go and you'll gobble up 10 meatballs and you'll go.
9:47 Speaker 00 You've got nothing, there's nothing else on.
9:49 Speaker 01 Not really my cup of tea. You're so, what?
9:52 Speaker 00 Well, I'll eat them if they're there, I'll eat them if they're there.
9:54 Speaker 01 Shut up, I'm glad you hurt your hand.
9:56 Speaker 00 I did, I hurt my hand and I took, basically, I hurt my finger doing it and I took a little bit off one of my teeth and I need Ikea to pay for some hand surgery and a trip to Turkey to get my teeth fixed.
10:05 Speaker 01 You're not gonna get it.
10:05 Speaker 00 And I'm gonna take my golf clubs as well and this shirt that I'm wearing that you've been slagging off all day.
10:09 Speaker 01 Oh, I hate that shirt.
10:10 Speaker 00 It's bad. So I was wearing this shirt, Rosie came downstairs, if you're watching YouTube, I'm really fucking gutted about this top, I'm really gutted about it. I put it on.
10:18 Speaker 01 Golf, you need to wear for golf?
10:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:20 Speaker 01 Or something really summery, or like a fancy dress, boy.
10:23 Speaker 00 Wow.
10:23 Speaker 01 You look like a clown. It's awful, it's horrible.
10:27 Speaker 00 Wow.
10:28 Speaker 01 And did I pick it?
10:29 Speaker 00 No.
10:30 Speaker 01 No, why trust the process?
10:32 Speaker 00 You know what the worst bit is? I've got it in another colour as well.
10:34 Speaker 01 Oh god, what colour?
10:35 Speaker 00 Like, the reverse of what it is now, no, the reverse of what it is now, so it's like, it's the, where's my finger going? It's this dark colour there and then that one there and then the white there.
10:44 Speaker 01 I just don't know what it is.
10:46 Speaker 00 It's horrible, isn't it?
10:46 Speaker 01 Is it marxys?
10:47 Speaker 00 It is marxys, but I love marxys clothes.
10:49 Speaker 01 Bang on at the minute, I know, so you've just, you've hit a doozy.
10:51 Speaker 00 I just came down, doozy means a good thing, do you mean a duff?
10:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:56 Speaker 00 Yeah. I was making coffee and you came downstairs and you went, don't like that shirt. Awful. You went awful, ick, don't like it. And then you went, oh no, it's alright, oh no, it's grown on us, oh it's fine, you can wear it, because you couldn't be arsed to go and get changed. And then I just came in here and I turned the cameras on, I've just looked at myself on the screen and I look like I'm fucking, ah, I don't know what I look like.
11:11 Speaker 01 What I said, what I said to you was that it doesn't match your personality, it looks like someone would wear that who's really jolly, really sprightly, just sort of like.
11:18 Speaker 00 It just looks quite corporate, like, it looks like, imagine I'm on a golf day sponsored by the insurance company that I work for, that's what it looks like.
11:26 Speaker 01 This is gonna be hard to people who are just listening, so let's carry on.
11:29 Speaker 00 Alright, all you wanna do, quickly go on Instagram, there'll be a. Clip me wearing this horrible fucking shirt with triangles on. I apologize. I hate myself. I hope you hate it as well. Let's fucking crack on with this.
11:37 Speaker 01 We're not getting changed because we're currently burning through clothes for this podcast. So my top doesn't even fit. Like my boobs are coming out of it. Of course they are. And so, and by the way, which was really upsetting. Bought a dress from Zara, right? Size large, which is usually fourteen to sixteen.
11:51 Speaker 00 Heard anyone say size large?
11:53 Speaker 01 They do small, medium, large. Like extra small, small, medium, large.
11:56 Speaker 00 All you had to say was large. Size large was a really weird way of saying it.
11:59 Speaker 01 Okay, well, I bought a dress large.
12:02 Speaker 00 Size large.
12:02 Speaker 01 It's like, fuck off. And it was too tight and I'm a fourteen to sixteen. And I was like, okay, fair enough. Bought an extra large. If it's great. But I'm just like, what is, it's just insane. Doesn't make sense. I don't think fourteen to sixteen should be extra large.
12:19 Speaker 00 Um, I don't really understand girls' sizes. And I don't really think I can comment on it. But I remember thinking.
12:25 Speaker 01 We're gonna have to do another apology next week if you start commenting on women's size.
12:29 Speaker 00 Well, no, but I, no, but can I just say I don't think that's maybe to me. So, are you aware that NASA had some kind of like, it was like a thing for blokes pissing? It was like a, you know, a thing for astronauts to piss in that they would put on, like literally fit on to their dick, right? So they had small, medium and large. And everyone, all of the astronauts just picked the large, even if they weren't. So they changed them to,
13:02 Speaker 00 large, extra large, extra, extra large. And they're still the same size. Do you know this? This is a hundred percent true.
13:08 Speaker 01 Well, I'm sorry.
13:09 Speaker 00 Yeah. So they should do the same with this. So they should do the same with this. So your size fucking zeros and all that to make everyone feel better, should be extra, extra, extra, extra, extra small. You know, God, I'm an extra, extra, extra, extra small. And Zara, you're fucking ten. Like, and it should go that way so that no one has to pick up a fucking top that says extra, extra, extra large and it's only a sixteen. Do you understand what I'm saying here?
13:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, I do.
13:30 Speaker 00 Mentality.
13:31 Speaker 01 I do. I know what you mean. God, why, why would, what, what, what dick size would you pick up?
13:36 Speaker 00 I don't think they have one. A nano, nano, micro, innie. Do they have innie?
13:41 Speaker 01 But surely having a medium dick isn't bad.
13:44 Speaker 00 Um, I don't know, but like, so apparently it was, it was this is, look it up. This is true.
13:50 Speaker 01 Large would be like, well, like, like porn star.
13:53 Speaker 00 Yeah, but now, now they made them. So they're still the same size. So say it was like four inches, six inches, eight inches. They're still four, six, eight, but instead of being called small, mini, large, they're called large, extra large and extra, extra large. This is a hundred percent true.
14:04 Speaker 01 Well, I'm sorry.
14:04 Speaker 00 It's great, isn't it? Even fucking astronauts, even the cleverest fucking people in our society who are literally going into space where a handful of people have gone are still like, well, I don't have a little tittle, what you do.
14:16 Speaker 01 Don't like sizing. Anyway, I've kept the dress. It's lovely and it's extra large. So there you go.
14:21 Speaker 00 Well, you own it. Well done.
14:22 Speaker 01 It's gorgeous. So I'm, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. But it's just a routine.
14:26 Speaker 00 I know what you mean. That's what I was trying to be. Do you understand I was on your side there?
14:29 Speaker 01 And I'm actually, I'm not, I'm like a 12, I'm like a 12 to 14. I'm not, I'm not even 14 to 16. I'm like 12.
14:35 Speaker 00 I could leave the room, couldn't I?
14:37 Speaker 01 Anyway, yeah. It's just, it's just whatever.
14:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:42 Speaker 00 It's crack on, eh?
15:03 Speaker 01 Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Ode.
15:07 Speaker 00 Hello, still here, still, uh, I'm not gonna look at the camera much this episode because I don't like my t-shirt, but there we are. Um, listen, how's it going?
15:14 Speaker 01 Uh, really good.
15:15 Speaker 00 Really good.
15:16 Speaker 01 I'm just waiting for my period to come.
15:17 Speaker 00 Brilliant.
15:18 Speaker 01 Got my little period and it goes on.
15:19 Speaker 00 Aren't we all?
15:20 Speaker 01 Honestly, a little bit late.
15:21 Speaker 00 The old doomsday o'clock.
15:22 Speaker 01 Little bit late.
15:23 Speaker 00 Little bit late.
15:24 Speaker 01 Mm hmm. There's always that little panic.
15:26 Speaker 00 No, we, we did, we, we did dirty things, but it was only a couple of days ago. That can't be happening.
15:30 Speaker 01 Well, the last time though.
15:32 Speaker 00 Oh, it was years ago.
15:33 Speaker 01 Oh my.
15:34 Speaker 00 Um, listen, so.
15:36 Speaker 01 It's a lot easier to track. Let's put it that way. But it's definitely doable.
15:42 Speaker 00 It's a lot easier to track. Uh, dare we say it, you have your monthly Chinese more than we.
15:50 Speaker 01 Been busy.
15:51 Speaker 00 Listen, right, um, funnily enough, right, let me, um, add an epiphany this morning.
15:56 Speaker 01 Okay.
15:56 Speaker 00 Um, so totally unrelated to what we've just talked about, and I want to make that clear. Um, our children both slept in this morning.
16:03 Speaker 01 Oh.
16:04 Speaker 00 We had to wake both of them up because sometimes on a morning, especially if when we're doing the podcast, when we're both there on a morning, I don't know if other people have this, when you're both there, both parents getting kids ready on a morning, the fucking can be a pair of knobs. Like, just, I don't know why. Worse when there's two, when it's only one, it's less. So I let you stay in bed this morning, I sorted everything out. Um, they both this morning claimed they weren't very well.
16:28 Speaker 01 I know, what was that all about?
16:29 Speaker 00 I'll tell you exactly what it was about. I stood thinking about it while they were fucking eating their breakfast, going, they both had to be woken up by us.
16:35 Speaker 01 Hmm.
16:36 Speaker 00 And Rob was like, I'm not well, I feel bad. And Rafe was like, I feel bad. I was like, no, this is called being woken up.
16:42 Speaker 01 Hmm.
16:43 Speaker 00 Like.
16:44 Speaker 01 This is how we felt.
16:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, fucking welcome to the future bitch. Like, this is, this is being dragged out of bed and it's shit.
16:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:52 Speaker 00 I wake up, I'm dragged out of bed by the pair of you dickheads and I feel like I want to die for a couple of hours. That's why I have to drink coffee every morning. This is, you're just being like, for the first time ever in your fucking lives, you're not waking up naturally and you can't handle it.
17:08 Speaker 01 We experienced for the first time ever, that shift between like kids waking you up and then like teenagers.
17:15 Speaker 00 Hmm.
17:16 Speaker 01 And that's gonna irritate me even more when I have to wake them up because like, having to get them to do stuff winds me the fuck up.
17:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:23 Speaker 01 So having to get them out of bed, first thing in the morning, I'm just gonna be like, oh my god.
17:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:28 Speaker 01 Get out of bed.
17:29 Speaker 00 When they've got nowhere to go, I'm gonna leave them in bed. But literally, when you've got to get them up to get them out of school, it was, Robin, it was like waiting for a teenager, teenager this morning.
17:36 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
17:36 Speaker 00 He's literally like, ah.
17:38 Speaker 01 He's gonna be a pure teenager.
17:39 Speaker 00 Oh, such a teenager, such a teenager. But yeah, that's it. They are literally for the first time ever experiencing what it's like to not wake up naturally of your own accord. And they fucking think it's so jarring for them, they think they're ill.
17:54 Speaker 00 Dickheads!
17:55 Speaker 01 I know, Robin came up. He came up because you were lovely, lovely lion, thank you very much.
17:58 Speaker 00 No problem.
17:59 Speaker 01 He came up and he was like, um, he said, I'm not well. I was like, well, since when? Like, what? No symptoms, zero, nothing, absolutely no, you're fine?
18:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's full of shit. He did the temperature, he had a cold pole, did it himself, like a little smackhead with the syringe and that. That was fun to watch. Um, two doses of six plus.
18:18 Speaker 01 What was his symptoms?
18:19 Speaker 00 Six plus. Oh, his main symptom was, can't be arsed.
18:21 Speaker 01 Can't be arsed, can't be arsed. Oh my god, he's heard, he's heard about the homeschool.
18:26 Speaker 00 He's probably, that's what I'm saying, stop saying it in front of him. Um, he did the temperature thing on his head as well, did it, thirty six point five, I want you fine, did it again, did it again. I'm not kidding, he took his temperature about six times. I was like, mate, like, what are you doing?
18:39 Speaker 01 I know, bless them. I used to try it all the time.
18:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, same, same.
18:42 Speaker 01 But my mum was a nurse, she was like...
18:44 Speaker 00 I remember being, waking up on a morning, the night, we had to write this thing at school called a life in the day of. Did you ever do that?
18:50 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
18:50 Speaker 00 Where it was like, a day, but it was like, was it your standard day that you had to write? I started it, my first word, and it was like a queer, and it was the noise of me bedroom door handle.
19:02 Speaker 01 Oh god.
19:02 Speaker 00 Like, it was like, yeah, it was the, and I remember it woke us up every fucking day, and I was raging when I woke up, like, yeah, and I was like, you gotta get up, and it was like, like this, oh god.
19:15 Speaker 01 Anxiety.
19:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's probably why I am the way I am.
19:18 Speaker 01 Maybe it is, I blame that door handle, I blame that door handle. Babadu babadu babadu ba.
19:26 Speaker 02 Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.
19:54 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+
20:00 Speaker 04 What are you waiting for? Hop on.
20:02 Speaker 03 The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+
20:06 Speaker 04 This is the way. Our only chance is to work together.
20:12 Speaker 04 Always wear your seatbelt.
20:26 Speaker 00 So, big news in my life.
20:29 Speaker 01 Okay.
20:34 Speaker 01 Sorry, I don't know why I'm laughing, but it was so weird the way you said it.
20:41 Speaker 01 Big news.
20:42 Speaker 00 Big news in my life. Well, my podcast, Rose is here as well.
20:44 Speaker 01 What's happened to you?
20:46 Speaker 00 I, touch wood, I hope I'm wrong. I really, really hope I'm wrong, but I do believe I've given myself hay fever.
20:53 Speaker 01 Oh, okay. So, was the antihistamine that you bought, did the work? How has it gone?
20:58 Speaker 00 So, lot going on with this experiment at the minute, right?
21:02 Speaker 01 Right, oh, an experiment.
21:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, basically, really, really stuffy nose, really horrible stuffy nose. I'm having to sleep with my mouth open, like a...
21:10 Speaker 01 You always do. I don't know why you feel like this is a new thing. You sleep with your mouth...
21:13 Speaker 00 It's worse. I'm aware of it now.
21:14 Speaker 01 You watch so, yous don't know this, I think it's been a beef, but there's times we are watching telly where I have to lean over and close Chris's mouth. Because it's just the grossest thing. Literally watching telly, like...
21:30 Speaker 01 And I can smell, not that you've got bad breath, but I can just smell your breath and I'm like, this is, I'm not enjoying myself.
21:38 Speaker 00 So, so, so, again...
21:40 Speaker 01 So, you're a mouth breather?
21:43 Speaker 00 I'm genuinely...
21:44 Speaker 01 I'm an observer, you are.
21:45 Speaker 00 In the cruelest twist of irony ever, I might be a troglodyte.
21:53 Speaker 00 I might be a knuckle dragon, I might be a knuckle dragon, mouth breathing troglodyte. I've become what I hate. Listen.
22:06 Speaker 00 Listen, right, this is such a-
22:07 Speaker 01 Oh, don't my makeup look nice?
22:08 Speaker 00 Oh, sorry, don't laugh because me makeup looks nice, oh, honestly. So, I, um, I've been waking up with incredibly like, I'm talking middle of the night, nose is like so stuffy and stuffed and stuff, it's hurting.
22:19 Speaker 01 It's hurting, is it? Is it hurting?
22:21 Speaker 00 I'm being a brave boy, but it's hurting. So, listen, it's running now. So, it was basically when I was playing golf the other day and me nose was like, just halfway around the golf course, I just felt like shit and me nose and me head was like banging, I was like, what the fuck?
22:33 Speaker 01 You've got a secret coke habit?
22:34 Speaker 00 Oh, oh, oh.
22:36 Speaker 01 You want to admit to it now?
22:37 Speaker 00 It'll just be that. It'll just be that. Oh, does my, mystery solved, it's me, it's me golf cocaine that I have. Every time you get a bogey, you gotta push up them bogeys. No, I am, so, eh, first of all, I was on the one show the other week and Roman Kemp was talking about how, we're talking about the Chelsea Flower Show and he's like, well, I can never go because I've got hay fever. And I said to him, I went, mate, do you know, eh, my supporter Carl's got hay fever and I know people who've got it and it's one-
23:02 Speaker 01 I've got a lot of sympathy for it.
23:04 Speaker 00 Well, it's one of the one things I never take the piss out of.
23:06 Speaker 01 Hmm.
23:07 Speaker 00 And Roman Kemp was like, why? And I was like, because I know you can randomly get it.
23:11 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
23:12 Speaker 00 Like the strain of pollen can change each year and bang, you can just get it one year. And I don't know if I've like willed it on meself.
23:19 Speaker 01 It's not a thing.
23:19 Speaker 00 No, I think I have. So, listen, first of all, I woke up the other morning and I was blowing me nose. Did I tell you this? I was, so I, to save toilet roll, I don't blow me nose, I just lean in the sink and I just like blast each nostril out like a footballer, like a 90s Premiership footballer. Um, and, eh, Robin, I didn't realise Robin was in the bathroom as well and I turned around and he was staring at us and he went, don't ever do that again.
23:41 Speaker 01 Well, he's seen the full troglodyte.
23:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. So, it's like sheets, it's like sheets of fucking-
23:46 Speaker 01 This is horrible.
23:46 Speaker 00 Really like, imagine blowing a bubble with bubble gum, it's like sheets of like thin like snot come out and they're fucking huge, it's really odd.
23:53 Speaker 01 Really?
23:53 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's like someone's been wallpapering the inside of me nose.
23:55 Speaker 01 All right, okay, I didn't realise there was loads of stuff coming out.
23:58 Speaker 00 It's horrible, yeah, but it's green, it's not supposed to be with hay fever apparently, it's, sorry everyone, thank you. Um, it's apparently clear with hay fever. Anyway, I got a-
24:04 Speaker 01 So, what is it? You dying, oh god.
24:07 Speaker 00 I got a nasal spray thing.
24:08 Speaker 01 I haven't got me bothered.
24:08 Speaker 00 But listen to us, man, listen, I got a nasal spray-
24:11 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
24:12 Speaker 00 And it hap-
26:43 Speaker 00 I was fucking raging. It's we're watching that thing where that guy, we're watching that thing on YouTube where that guy was showing around that ridiculous house in Colorado.
26:50 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
26:50 Speaker 00 And we whinged about the electric blinds and he went, oh, it's called technology, boomer. I was like, yeah, I will fucking.
26:56 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. It says, we've got like three Velux windows in our house that are just permanently shut because they're fucking, no, I hate it.
27:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:03 Speaker 01 Hate it, hate technology. I'd rather have a long pole. Take me back, take me back, lord.
27:09 Speaker 00 Ironically, most astronauts of NASA would also rather have a long pole.
27:12 Speaker 01 Oh, well, clearly.
27:13 Speaker 00 There it is. Wum.
27:16 Speaker 01 Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.
27:18 Speaker 00 It's time for what's your beef?
27:20 Speaker 01 What's your beef with me? What's your beef with me? I'll knock your teeth out before I tell you.
27:25 Speaker 00 I'll beef your teeth out. Um, ladies first?
27:28 Speaker 01 Go on then. Um, you have let the new bouncy castle become part of your personality.
27:37 Speaker 01 And it's extremely upsetting to witness.
27:41 Speaker 00 Right.
27:41 Speaker 01 Right.
27:42 Speaker 00 I had.
27:44 Speaker 01 Right.
27:44 Speaker 00 And I don't use this word all, I don't use this word lightly. I had an ordeal yesterday.
27:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:50 Speaker 00 With that bouncy castle.
27:51 Speaker 01 It's been a week.
27:52 Speaker 00 It's been a week long ordeal.
27:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:54 Speaker 00 And I've had enough. So we, um, discovered those bouncy castles that have the pump.
27:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:59 Speaker 00 And it's like, it's not just a, you know, because.
28:01 Speaker 01 Unbelievable.
28:02 Speaker 00 They're incredible. They're absolutely incredible. You can get them in all shapes and sizes. I know Carl Hutchinson's got one. He put a video of himself.
28:06 Speaker 01 They're a couple of hundred quid. We've had ours for about four, five years now. Five years.
28:11 Speaker 00 Yeah. One of them covered and mold and ripped. Had to throw it away. Other one's still going strong.
28:16 Speaker 01 But every summer it comes out. Absolutely unbelievable.
28:19 Speaker 00 And I thought, you know what? The kids play on it so much and they're getting bigger. I'll get a new one. That's got, it's a bit more rigid. It's a bit bigger. My mate described it as Takeshi's castle, which I was very excited about.
28:29 Speaker 01 We have a lot of children around our house.
28:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:31 Speaker 01 Of a weekend.
28:32 Speaker 00 Playhouse. It's great. Yeah. We go, Rosie, we go to the, it's lovely, but we go to the soft play and my kids, my, my mates' children come up and go, can we go to your house now? And I'm like, you're in a fucking soft play.
28:44 Speaker 01 I know, but I love that though. You know me.
28:45 Speaker 00 Do you know what it is? Love of my mouth. I love it on my mouth. So, I got the big lad, I got the Takeshi's castle.
28:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:52 Speaker 00 It's fucking amazing, the kids love it. But we got it out and the grass was wet when I put it out. It was a nice day, but the grass was wet and I thought, right, I can't put this away. I can't put this away because it's, it's, the bottom's gonna be wet and it's gonna be mouldy if you put it away. So I left it out. Eh, it fucked it down with hailstone and snow and rain and all kinds.
29:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:12 Speaker 00 For three days.
29:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:14 Speaker 00 And I spent all day yesterday. Looking at the weather. And going outside and trying to find out when it was gonna be a break in the rain for me to inflate them and dry them off. And I found the break in the rain and it took me two and a half hours.
29:29 Speaker 01 Yep.
29:30 Speaker 00 And honestly, it aged us about fifteen years.
29:32 Speaker 01 It was sad, it was sad to watch.
29:34 Speaker 00 It was horrible.
29:35 Speaker 01 I did, I kept checking on you and I thought, it's not.
29:37 Speaker 00 It was horrible.
29:38 Speaker 01 Sun's not, I was just waiting for the sun to come out for you.
29:40 Speaker 00 So I blew them both, I inflated them both, but I did them over the trampoline so that I could get some air under the bottom of them, right? Which was quite clever, yes. And then I waited until they dried and then I turned them over, which was a fucking nightmare by the way. Literally while they were inflated, I just lifted them and flipped them over like the Hulk. And then let the bottom of them dry. And then I found out, once I let them deflate and pushed them all down, there was water inside them.
30:05 Speaker 01 Oh god, you're joking.
30:06 Speaker 00 And I couldn't get it out.
30:07 Speaker 01 You're joking.
30:08 Speaker 00 It was horrible, so I had to fold the whole thing up with the pipe things facing the bottom and then I had to fold it in half and I had to hold it like a bear hug and just jump up and down. I should have jumped them down on the trampoline. I've just realised I should have jumped them down on the trampoline. Um, I just had to jump them down on the patio and let all the water out and then fold them out again.
30:22 Speaker 01 God.
30:23 Speaker 00 So I was just holding it and just jumping down like I was humping it.
30:26 Speaker 01 So the thing is, when are you gonna get them out again?
30:28 Speaker 00 Never.
30:29 Speaker 01 Right, well we didn't have this problem with the littler ones.
30:31 Speaker 00 Hmm, they're never coming out again. They are never coming out again. Eh, I'm telling you right now, it needs to be bone dry floor and no.
30:38 Speaker 01 Well then what was the point?
30:40 Speaker 00 Well, the point is, I made an error.
30:42 Speaker 01 Again, another thing, what, we should move, we, like, I love the. No, I love the north east, right? But it's just. It's just never that hot.
30:52 Speaker 00 Nah, it's exhausting. It's horrible. I love the place, I love the people, but the weather's so shit.
30:57 Speaker 01 I know.
30:57 Speaker 00 But honestly, you know what it is, right? No, I'm gonna go the other way. I will get them things out again, the bouncy castles out again, but I'm not gonna worry about them getting mouldy again. I'm just gonna fucking put them away when I'm finished.
31:07 Speaker 01 Maybe that's the thing, yeah.
31:08 Speaker 00 I'm not gonna let them own us. You know what? I'm gonna go on record now, the fucking mould from The Last of Us could happen on them bouncy castles and I don't care.
31:15 Speaker 01 Okay, don't let it own you.
31:17 Speaker 00 I'm not gonna let it own us, because I had a terrible day yesterday.
31:19 Speaker 01 Because this is what happens is that...
31:21 Speaker 00 I had a shower, an actual shower.
31:22 Speaker 01 The upsetting thing is, is that sometimes in the summer, we'll have a drink and stuff, and I know in the back of your head, you're just thinking about them bouncy castles.
31:28 Speaker 00 I know, I've gotta put them out. And I get bitten when I'm doing it.
31:30 Speaker 01 Oh god.
31:31 Speaker 00 Some of it bites us, some of it in the grass or something.
31:34 Speaker 01 Okay, but I mean, the kids do love it.
31:36 Speaker 00 They do love it.
31:37 Speaker 01 They do love it. Like, I said to you once when I was watching them, I think it was last year, I was like, this is core memories.
31:42 Speaker 00 It is core memories. It's lovely. Yes. And I'm a dad, I've just gotta take it on the chin and just put the fucking bouncy castles away, that's what I've gotta do.
31:49 Speaker 01 You're not fair, I won't be doing it.
31:51 Speaker 00 I don't blame you. I'll take that on the chin.
31:53 Speaker 01 Thank you.
31:54 Speaker 00 I'll add it to the list of stuff I do around here.
31:56 Speaker 01 You can.
31:56 Speaker 00 Which I'm busy compiling. Busy masters on here the other day and I didn't have anything, but it's coming.
32:01 Speaker 01 Okay, good.
32:02 Speaker 00 Oh, it's, oh.
32:03 Speaker 01 Oh, is that why you let me have a lie in this one? See, this is you fucker, you fucker, you little fucker.
32:10 Speaker 00 It's called currency.
32:14 Speaker 01 Took it like a chub. Right, what's your beef with me?
32:17 Speaker 00 My beef with you.
32:18 Speaker 01 But I've been delightful, so I don't even know how you're doing. I've genuinely, I think, I think my whole personality's changed with this coffee thing.
32:26 Speaker 00 You're having your coffee 15 minutes later on a morning.
32:29 Speaker 01 Half an hour, half an hour.
32:30 Speaker 00 Oh, sorry, half an hour.
32:31 Speaker 01 And a glass of water.
32:32 Speaker 00 You are, yeah, you are a lot better as a person. Um, listen, you were, I walked in the, in the front room the other night, and you were extremely cagey and defensive, so you know you were in the wrong. You were eating breadsticks, dipped in a little, god knows how old pot of
32:54 Speaker 01 It was still in it, just.
32:55 Speaker 00 McDonald's sweet curry sauce.
32:57 Speaker 01 Yes.
32:58 Speaker 00 And I said, are you dipping breadsticks in McDonald's sweet curry sauce? And you were like, yeah, one of it. And I was like...
33:04 Speaker 01 The pig noise was unnecessary.
33:09 Speaker 01 Everybody heard that. That was...
33:13 Speaker 01 That's a hate crime. Pig, pig noise. Are you actually joking me?
33:24 Speaker 00 Sorry.
33:25 Speaker 01 There's no need for the pig noise.
33:29 Speaker 00 I thought I would have got away with that. Oh, you were like, "Snack, snack." And then...
33:34 Speaker 01 It was breadsticks dipped in sweet curry.
33:37 Speaker 00 It's just the way you did it. You had the breadsticks.
33:39 Speaker 01 I don't see an issue.
33:41 Speaker 00 And you were just...
33:42 Speaker 01 Bloody lovely.
33:43 Speaker 00 It was just upsetting and you got so immediately defensive. I was like, "She knows that this is rotten behaviour."
33:48 Speaker 01 It was not rotten.
33:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, it was rotten.
33:50 Speaker 01 What's wrong with breadsticks?
33:52 Speaker 00 Nope.
33:53 Speaker 01 You just can't, you just don't enjoy a snack. You have not got the imagination to make yourself a snack. That's why you get so jealous of me. Because I can go in them cupboards, right? I can not have been to the shops for three days, four days.
34:05 Speaker 00 You are mixing your words up. You're mixing your words up here. That is not imagination. That is desperation. A breadstick dipped in fucking a sachet of McDonald's sweet curry sauce.
34:15 Speaker 01 Loved it. Sweet curry isn't actually my favourite. Sweet and sour is my favourite, but I...
34:20 Speaker 00 Desperation.
34:21 Speaker 01 I have to strongly diss it.
34:24 Speaker 00 Would you have them dipped in the sweet and sour? Sweet and sour? Would you dip them in ketchup?
34:29 Speaker 01 No.
34:30 Speaker 00 Would you dip them in barbecue?
34:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:32 Speaker 00 Would you dip them in garlic?
34:33 Speaker 01 Yes. I dip it... My favourite is mint sauce, actually.
34:38 Speaker 00 You're such a fucking condiment slag.
34:39 Speaker 01 I love condiments. Did you see last night? I had my tea without anything. God, it was so depressing. It was awful. Horrible. I'm so sad. Because I've decided that wine and condiments are why I can't lose weight.
34:52 Speaker 00 Right.
34:53 Speaker 01 So that I'm trying to cut out the condiments. I will never give a wine. But last night, so I made salmon, salmon with boiled potatoes.
35:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:03 Speaker 01 And like veg, which I genuinely like, that's not a... That's a lovely dinner for me. Like, I really... Not for you. Did you have the pizza later on?
35:12 Speaker 00 I had a cheese toastie about now and then. I was like, "Fuck this."
35:15 Speaker 01 No, that's a... But I didn't have any mayonnaise. I didn't have any... Do you know that bloody dill? The dill and mustard sauce that I get?
35:22 Speaker 00 Filth, like, filth.
35:24 Speaker 01 I think it's fen- fenomence or something. Anyway, I didn't have any of that and it was horrible. Had a horrible time.
35:31 Speaker 00 Well done.
35:32 Speaker 01 Thank you.
35:32 Speaker 00 Very well done. Proud of you.
35:34 Speaker 01 Do you want to retract the pig noise that you did earlier on? Because that was really upsetting.
35:37 Speaker 00 No, I'd like to double down on the pig noise.
35:39 Speaker 01 Great. Good for you.
35:40 Speaker 00 Yeah. And I'm gonna, in fact, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna redo the scene and I'm gonna add some more noises in. Rosie, is that what you're eating? And you farted as well. And then you, and then you burped.
35:50 Speaker 01 Great.
35:50 Speaker 00 And then you shit yourself. And then you were sick all over your tits.
36:00 Speaker 01 Babadu babadu babadu ba.
36:04 Speaker 02 Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.
36:32 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+.
36:38 Speaker 04 What are you waiting for? Hop on.
36:40 Speaker 03 The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+.
36:44 Speaker 04 This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I love this kid. Always wear your seatbelt.
36:54 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu now streaming on Disney+. Rated PG-13.
37:02 Speaker 01 Babadu babadu babadu ba.
37:04 Speaker 00 It's time for questions from the public. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch via email for a story or anything like that, something written, a long-form written correspondence, it's [email protected] .
37:19 Speaker 01 Yes, please.
37:20 Speaker 00 You would like to get in touch via the WhatsApp message system to send a voice note, that number is 07874406650. That's 07874406650.
37:37 Speaker 00 Bloody love you getting in touch, whatever it is, however it is that you do it, thank you.
37:41 Speaker 01 Yes. Our Daisy has sent some.
37:43 Speaker 00 Wonderful.
37:44 Speaker 01 Um, voice notes through, so here we go. I've not heard these.
37:47 Speaker 05 Hello, Rosie and Chris. Um, I have a question for the public and it is actually a question.
37:54 Speaker 00 Ooh.
37:54 Speaker 05 So, my absolute dickhead ex, who was really horrible, um, really nasty and quite not very nice. Um, so we broke up last July and I've discovered that he's been using my Tesco Clubcard QR code the entire time to get money off. Now, the question I have is, should I change the QR code? Just so that I have the knowledge that at some point he's gonna go in and try and use it and the smug horrible look will be wiped off his face because he won't get his discount of his bottle of rum?
38:37 Speaker 05 Or should I just carry on letting him get me points?
38:43 Speaker 00 Oh, that is a, no, that is a fucking dilemma.
38:47 Speaker 01 Get the points?
38:48 Speaker 00 Yes, but he's getting money off.
38:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, but get the points.
38:51 Speaker 00 What if he, can, can he spend the points?
38:54 Speaker 01 Could he claim the points? No, I, no, I don't know. Ooh.
38:59 Speaker 00 And she knows it's rum as well because she can check what's been purchased.
39:02 Speaker 01 Okay. Oh, but then you want a clean break, don't you?
39:06 Speaker 00 You do, but so if she hasn't.
39:08 Speaker 01 You know when people got dogs together, I'm like.
39:10 Speaker 00 This is even more important in my opinion. Um, so if there is a way that he can never spend those points.
39:19 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
39:20 Speaker 00 At all and she will be in full control of them and he can't access the account or spend them points or use them points for anything. If he can just keep getting his discount and accumulating her the points. I see, keep letting it.
39:31 Speaker 01 Absolutely, I agree, I agree. But then also, every time she sees something pop up in our emails or something, she'll think of him and then you don't want that.
39:39 Speaker 00 Maybe, okay then, maybe it's not worth it.
39:41 Speaker 01 I'd do a clean break, I'd change my opinion.
39:43 Speaker 00 You get your clean break for your mental health and you get to know that he now has to pay full whack for whatever it is he's buying.
39:47 Speaker 01 Yeah. Love a point incentive.
39:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
39:49 Speaker 01 Of supermarkets. Thank you supermarkets, because honestly, it's nice to get a little bit back, isn't it?
39:54 Speaker 00 Yeah, and this isn't an ad.
39:55 Speaker 01 This is not an ad, that's, you know, for mental health, brilliant.
39:59 Speaker 00 Tesco, Tesco, what you've got there, that's a fucking great advert. Stick that on the telly.
40:04 Speaker 01 Oh my god, like your ex using your...
40:06 Speaker 00 Your ex is still using it, but I still get the points and he gets the money off. Oh well, they're bygones to be, that's a hell of an advert. That's how you advertise.
40:12 Speaker 01 Maybes I could come up with a system where you could just have all of your exes.
40:17 Speaker 00 On your club card.
40:17 Speaker 01 On your club card.
40:18 Speaker 00 Right. Ex club card. Snub, snub club card.
40:22 Speaker 06 Babadu babadu babadu ba.
40:24 Speaker 05 I've heard stuff on the podcast about like dominatrixes and people who do like financial dominatrix. And I think the general feeling is like, it's like money for all to rule. But I got the opportunity to do it and I always thought it was the best job possible, but I was on a dating app. And there was this guy and he, he said to us that he wanted to invest in financial domination. So he would be the submissive and then I would be the one financially dominating. I would never have to meet him. I certainly wouldn't have to do any sexual favours. I would just need to basically treat him like shit. I'd get all of his passwords and his logins and I could like transfer money whenever I wanted.
41:03 Speaker 05 And I sort of had to control every aspect of his life and I wasn't sure like if I could do it, because it's not really my style. But I thought, well, you know, it's money. I was talking about trying to make sure if it was like real and, and that. And he says, oh, he says, I don't really have much in the way of family and friends because my mum's just died and she's left her house to us. But I'm gonna sell the house. To fund this, um, this fetish that I'm wanting to look into.
41:31 Speaker 00 Oh, no.
41:32 Speaker 05 And I was just like, oh, God love him. I, I don't know if I can be nasty to him. So I was like, all right, well, we'll try it for a bit. I says, don't give me any passwords or anything. We'll try and I'll just try to be like nasty with you. So I tried a couple of times, like send them a few messages and that and oh, you're a dickhead and all that stuff. And one of the aspects of it that he wanted us to do was tell them what to do and control his everyday life. I remember when I realised I couldn't do it. After this story that he told us about having no friends and family and he was selling his mom's house and oh God, I felt so sorry for him. He messages and says, oh, um, would it be okay if I get a chippy dinner on my way home tonight?
42:19 Speaker 05 And I just, I just said, aye, go on, pet, you deserve it. I just, it's not in his style and I don't know if it's maybe like, I would say it's a north eastern thing, but, but I think I know people who could be fucking horrible to him. But I was just like, aye, of course you know a chippy, like, who a lad? It's not, so what I'm saying basically is the domination thing, the dominatrix thing is not for everyone. It might seem dead easy. And occasionally there will be things that are easy, but it wasn't for me. Um, I learned a lesson that day, week.
42:52 Speaker 00 That's fucking amazing. That's so interesting.
42:59 Speaker 01 Imagine me messaging back going, oh, for fuck's sake, you meant to tell us no?
43:02 Speaker 00 Oh, I'm a call as a fat pig for fuck's sake.
43:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, send them my way.
43:08 Speaker 00 I say, just again, he just needs to get married if he needs all this.
43:11 Speaker 01 Oh God, but why does he want, is that, he's clearly going to him enough. Why does he want to be shit on again?
43:17 Speaker 00 He's got, he's, obviously bless him, he's got something going with him. But that is a, I love, I just love the idea that she's accidentally not like the first time she was like, e God love him. I love the idea. I just taught her, it's like, e God love you. I mean, you need to fucking wang at you, like. Oh bless.
43:32 Speaker 01 Oh bless.
43:33 Speaker 00 Can I get a chippy tea? No, you fucking can't. Go home.
43:36 Speaker 01 Is that what he wanted?
43:36 Speaker 00 So he wanted like, no, go to the fucking supermarket now, buy some cat food, go home, open it with a fucking screwdriver and a hammer. Not a, not a fucking can opener. I could do this. Not a can opener. And eat it with the lid, like fold the lid in half.
43:53 Speaker 01 Oh god.
43:54 Speaker 00 Get me on the phone.
43:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know. I was gonna say, you could do it. Easy.
43:57 Speaker 00 Eat it, open it with a screwdriver and a hammer, which is, if anyone's done it, is the, can remember when we lived in the bungalow, the one story glory? And I was trying to open some.
44:04 Speaker 01 Bad times.
44:05 Speaker 00 Beans, sausage and beans with a hammer and a screwdriver. It's the worst thing ever.
44:09 Speaker 01 It was terrible. I thought you were gonna take your face off.
44:10 Speaker 00 I thought I was gonna take your fingers off, yeah.
44:12 Speaker 01 So I wouldn't do well with that because I'd message back saying, why are you asking me? Oh, well, there you go. Maybe that's what you want. I'd say, why the fuck are you asking me? If you're hungry, go and get some chips. I don't care. I'm busy.
44:25 Speaker 00 Here's one then. So he wants you to.
44:26 Speaker 01 You rang me and you were like, can I go get a chippy tea? I'd be like, I don't give a shit.
44:29 Speaker 00 Do hate me asking anything.
44:31 Speaker 01 I hate anyone asking questions. I'm like.
44:33 Speaker 00 Well, yeah, so here's my point.
44:34 Speaker 01 Well, what did I say to you? I say, if I was dead, what would you do? And I know that's a really awful thing to say, but I would just literally.
44:40 Speaker 00 We'd probably serve food at the party.
44:44 Speaker 01 All that, I hate to talk about memes, but I can't think, stop thinking about that video that I sent, I've sent you, didn't I?
44:50 Speaker 00 Which one?
44:50 Speaker 01 Of just some, it was like a green screen of like just loads of buffet food and some bloke eating a sandwich and being like,
44:58 Speaker 01 British people, forty five minutes after their family members.
45:01 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:02 Speaker 01 The ground.
45:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, just scanning.
45:03 Speaker 01 Just at a buffet. Why do we do that?
45:05 Speaker 00 It is mad that we do that.
45:06 Speaker 01 It's rank. Everybody come here and.
45:09 Speaker 00 I don't, it's not just British people. They do, you know, all of Europe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:12 Speaker 01 Mingin'.
45:13 Speaker 00 Wow.
45:15 Speaker 01 And how about, how about you have a party with everyone at the worst day of your entire life? I'm married for a week, me like.
45:21 Speaker 00 I think it does cheer everyone up.
45:22 Speaker 01 Does it?
45:23 Speaker 00 I've been in a funeral recently where I think, you know, the people were cheered up after us to see everyone and you see everyone comes and talks about how the, you know, you look at it, you're great. It's always great turnout, isn't it?
45:33 Speaker 01 Fair enough.
45:33 Speaker 00 You've done it again. You've turned comedy into sadness. He has me point with this Dominique's fellow.
45:37 Speaker 01 It's as if I'm just a person with an opinion.
45:39 Speaker 00 You shouldn't be. Here's me.
45:41 Speaker 01 Yes.
45:41 Speaker 00 Point to this Dominique's fellow. Would he love it? Like, so you, you're a next level of fuck off. Like, he wants someone to control his life and be a twat to him. But you'd be like, stop fucking asking us. Do whatever you want. Stop asking us. You're doing me tits in. Would he like that even more? Or is that not what he specifically wants?
45:58 Speaker 01 Ah, who knows? But he's picked the, he's obviously, he needs to get better.
46:01 Speaker 00 He's picked a really nice last.
46:04 Speaker 01 She's like, Enoch, you've had a really bad day.
46:06 Speaker 00 Have a chippy. Go on, go on. Hey, get yourself a study as well.
46:08 Speaker 01 Use your mum's house money, because that's what she would have wanted you to have. Oh my god. I haven't had a chip butty for years. Chip butty with gravy and loads of vinegar.
46:18 Speaker 00 Nah, chip butty, me, me mate used to get chip butties with garlic sauce.
46:21 Speaker 01 Oh, from gills?
46:22 Speaker 00 Chip butties with garlic sauce.
46:23 Speaker 01 Oh god, I could die.
46:25 Speaker 00 Filth. Absolute filth. I'm talking about so much garlic sauce that you wake up at three in the morning and have to put your head under the fucking tap.
46:32 Speaker 01 Oh god, I'm starving.
46:35 Speaker 00 That was me, sorry, that was me mortar bolting me garlic sauce.
46:38 Speaker 01 Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi Rosie and Chris, hope you and the boys are both well.
46:42 Speaker 00 Hello, we are, thank you.
46:44 Speaker 01 For a long time, I didn't think I had a good enough story for the podcast, despite sitting on the story of my uni housemate who took a shit on a random person's doorstep. Or the result, or the events that resulted in me jumping out of a moving taxi, pretending I was James Bond.
46:57 Speaker 00 Nice.
46:58 Speaker 01 Until a recent girls' weekend away provided me with a perfect smar worthy tale.
47:04 Speaker 00 Here we go.
47:05 Speaker 01 My friends and I were sat around the kitchen table discussing all sorts, in brackets, girls' weekends away now, now also include five to eighteen month old babies. So why not drunk considerably quicker, so we can all have an early night. Oh my god, yeah, yes, yes. I went away with the girls a couple of years ago and we were in, on the first night, we were in bed by ten o'clock.
47:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:25 Speaker 01 Because we drank on the way there and it was just like.
47:27 Speaker 00 Rosie, I'm, uh.
47:28 Speaker 01 Please can we go to bed?
47:29 Speaker 00 I'm going on a golf trip in a couple of weeks' time with me mates and we tee off every day in Spain at ten o'clock in the morning. And I was talking to my mate the other day and I was literally like, mate, I'm gonna have to have a nap in the afternoon. I was like, I'm not playing golf. They're like, oh yeah, we'll go straight around the pool afterwards for beers. I was like, you'll get me around the pool for half an hour, I'll have a beer and then I'll be going for a sleep.
47:51 Speaker 01 It's different in the sun. You might see how you feel.
47:53 Speaker 00 You'd be surprised.
47:54 Speaker 01 Okay, well good for you. One of my friends, let's call her Sophia, suddenly told us she had a story about another friend. Leaning closer, we listened in. She proceeded to tell us that her friend went on a night out with Sophia and some other girls, but didn't wear her wedding ring.
48:13 Speaker 00 Oh shit.
48:15 Speaker 01 Instant alarm bells ringing, but you know, each to their own, whatever. Sophia said it was so she could flirt with other men and have drinks bought for her. As then I continued, Sophia and her friends got drunker and drunker until said friend disclosed that she always took back a random guy back to the house to have sex with.
48:35 Speaker 00 What?
48:36 Speaker 01 We were shocked. Shook earth, alright? I always thought I was quite liberal, but perhaps not. This woman had two young children and a husband.
48:46 Speaker 00 What the fuck?
48:46 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. The friend then continued to say that when she got home, her husband liked to watch them engage in sexual acts when they were in the bedroom. This happened, this happened every time she went out. Uh, my questions for you both is, and this is still unanswered from Sophia. Where did the husband stand? Or did he sit like some creepy serial killer? It's called cooking, isn't it? Cooking.
49:08 Speaker 00 Cook, cuckold, I think you're a cuckold if you just watch.
49:11 Speaker 01 Yeah. Did he hide in the wardrobe? Did he join in? When did she tell the guy she was bringing home that she was married with children? Um, do they mind if the children watch? Not the children, oh my god.
49:22 Speaker 00 Jesus Christ.
49:24 Speaker 01 If the husband watches, I'm so sorry.
49:27 Speaker 00 No, it's just a slip, it's fine, but you didn't mean that.
49:29 Speaker 01 Because it says here, where were the children, but I'm imagining, I don't think they're gonna be in.
49:33 Speaker 00 I am, I'm hoping they're out, sleeping out.
49:36 Speaker 01 Let's hope, okay. How many times was the change in the sheets each week? Please help. Um.
49:41 Speaker 00 So.
49:42 Speaker 01 So, my first, can I just tell you my first thing on this, right? What, and this is kind of a bit further down. What if she went out and didn't pull? Would he be like?
49:53 Speaker 00 Fuming.
49:53 Speaker 01 Annoyed?
49:54 Speaker 00 Probably, oh fucking hell, I've got to shag you, have I? You're joking, aren't you? I've got, I've got work in the morning. Cry you, you. Literally shagging, you lazy.
50:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:05 Speaker 00 Good for nothing bitch.
50:06 Speaker 01 One job, one job.
50:07 Speaker 00 You're telling me not one, I've got to shag you and not one bloke on that night I want to do? And I've got to, and I've got to settle for you, maybe.
50:14 Speaker 01 Here's your ring back.
50:17 Speaker 00 That is.
50:19 Speaker 01 Mad, innit?
50:19 Speaker 00 So awful.
50:21 Speaker 01 I know.
50:21 Speaker 00 Right, so first of all, at what point in the proceedings does she tell the person she's pulled? That, that, you know, is he just hiding in the room somewhere and holding? We talked about this, we talked about, I've, I have talked about it on here, the guy who used to, I have, I'm gonna say it again in case anyone's forgot it, you've definitely forgot it. The guy who, someone told me about a guy who used to do this. He used to like to watch his wife having sex with other men and he used to watch in the wardrobe.
50:50 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
50:51 Speaker 00 In the wardrobe, there was a stool and he stood on the stool and he put his head through a hole in the top of the wardrobe. But on top of the wardrobe on the hole was a racing helmet, like a motorbike helmet and he used to call him the stick.
51:01 Speaker 01 Awful. And so he would watch? So do you actually know someone who does this?
51:05 Speaker 00 I know someone who knows the guy.
51:06 Speaker 01 I wonder if it's this person?
51:07 Speaker 00 Don't know. Oh, bloody, oh, god, there's millions of them. They're all over.
51:12 Speaker 01 Okay, fair enough.
51:13 Speaker 00 It's not one guy. There's millions of the fuckers.
51:15 Speaker 01 So he, I can't, so.
51:18 Speaker 00 So his wife would be having sex with someone.
51:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, but he put the hole in the wardrobe to watch through the helmet.
51:22 Speaker 00 Normal wardrobe, there's a hole in the top of the wardrobe to put his head through, but you, it's not, he's not just poking his head out of the top of the wardrobe, because that would be mental.
51:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:30 Speaker 00 There's a motorbike helmet there. So he's got, so it just looks, to all intents and purposes, if you didn't know he was there, it would just look like a motorbike helmet.
51:37 Speaker 01 I'm gonna say something crazy here.
51:38 Speaker 00 Yeah?
51:39 Speaker 01 And I don't often stick up for men because it's usually toddlers and we know this, right? But I feel really sorry for the bloke in that situation.
51:46 Speaker 00 Which bloke?
51:47 Speaker 01 The bloke who's gone home with the woman?
51:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:49 Speaker 01 And then not knowing that some other bloke's watching through a helmet. I'd, like, you are a man who used to have one night stands, how would you feel?
51:57 Speaker 00 Um, awful. Um, first of all.
52:00 Speaker 01 Would you mind? Would you carry on or would you stop?
52:04 Speaker 01 Genuinely?
52:05 Speaker 00 I don't think I'd be able to do it.
52:06 Speaker 01 Hmm.
52:07 Speaker 00 I do not think I'd be able to do that.
52:09 Speaker 01 Lie on here.
52:09 Speaker 00 No, I genuinely don't. I genuinely don't. I can't piss when someone's standing behind it.
52:12 Speaker 01 I know, yeah. I'd, I'd, no.
52:14 Speaker 00 Uh, again.
52:16 Speaker 01 I'd be fuming if some lass was just there, just like, I'd be like, eh, who are you?
52:21 Speaker 00 Yeah. At what point does the woman tell? Because she's not wearing a wedding ring. So what part, or is that just for the initial bit? And is it like, oh, will you come back by the way my husband likes to watch? All right, I'm up for that. Or, oh no, sorry, I thought we had a connection. You're married? I'm devastated.
52:34 Speaker 01 Well, I guess I don't, we'll never know that.
52:36 Speaker 00 It's fucked up, man.
52:37 Speaker 01 Aye. Isn't it mad, isn't it?
52:39 Speaker 00 I find it weird, people who would like to just watch that. I couldn't think of anything worse.
52:42 Speaker 01 How far, we've been married now, nearly 11, is it 12 years this year?
52:46 Speaker 00 Who gives a shit?
52:47 Speaker 01 No, but like, when does it happen? Are we gonna get to this?
52:50 Speaker 00 Uh, no, I'm not cutting, I've just put them Ikea wardrobes up. I'm not cutting a hole in the top of them. You've got a fucking no chance.
52:58 Speaker 00 No chance.
52:59 Speaker 01 You would, I, you would not enjoy watching me have sex with somebody. I would not enjoy watching you have sex with someone. I would be fuming, and I'm not even that much of a jealous person, but I'd be raging.
53:10 Speaker 00 I can't imagine it being nice.
53:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's, well, listen.
53:13 Speaker 00 Are we, are we insecure? Are we insecure? Is it, is it maybe, are you like the ultimate secure with yourself person, if you can do that?
53:21 Speaker 01 Maybe, maybe it does.
53:23 Speaker 00 Yeah. I remember I watched a documentary about porn stars.
53:25 Speaker 01 Are we the monsters?
53:25 Speaker 00 You know, in the documentaries, Channel 5 would have random documentaries about porn stars and stuff. And I remember, like, I remember.
53:34 Speaker 00 There was a female, there was a female porn star. I just remember the guy's name, I can't remember, I still remember it. There's a female porn star and she was literally like getting interviewed and they were on set, it might have even been a Louis Theroux, you know? And she's obviously incredibly fit, like in a kind of Barbie doll kind of way, you know, figurine kind of way. And she's having sex with this porn star guy who's just like, looks like an action man, just muscly and fucking massive and that. And she was like, oh yeah, and this is my boyfriend. And our boyfriend came to all of them and he had like a tank top on, a cap and glasses. And I remember his name, his name was Skeeter. It's my boyfriend Skeeter. And Skeeter was like, oh, just come and watch. I remember thinking, oh, like.
54:16 Speaker 00 So she's having sex with these like really incredibly masculine like porn star guys. And then she's just got this like really fucking strange bloke.
54:22 Speaker 01 Well, that's the job though, isn't it? They, they very much see it as their job.
54:26 Speaker 00 I imagine.
54:27 Speaker 01 They don't see it as sex.
54:28 Speaker 00 That's, I imagine Skeeter's not.
54:29 Speaker 01 Zero connection.
54:30 Speaker 00 I imagine Skeeter's not sniffing around for sex when she gets home, is the point that I'm trying to make here. So she's gone with someone completely, so I don't know, maybe Skeeter in this story, Sophia's Skeeter.
54:39 Speaker 01 Looks can be deceiving, you don't know.
54:40 Speaker 00 Maybe.
54:41 Speaker 01 Anyway, each to their own. It's interesting to talk about though, isn't it? For us boring bastards.
54:46 Speaker 00 And Skeet does a great.
54:47 Speaker 01 Brings a bit of imagination. But what's it called? Dunno.
54:51 Speaker 00 Adventure?
54:52 Speaker 01 That's what I meant.
54:52 Speaker 00 Yeah. Well, I'm alright for it. Just so you know, I'm alright for it.
54:56 Speaker 01 Oh, I'm fat.
54:56 Speaker 00 If you fucking touch them wardrobes, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, I'll kill you.
55:03 Speaker 01 Hi Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous.
55:06 Speaker 00 Always.
55:07 Speaker 01 I wanted to share a story about a Tinder date I've been on recently.
55:09 Speaker 00 Get in, Tinder dates.
55:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:11 Speaker 00 Been a while. It's been a while.
55:13 Speaker 01 I met up with a guy for a drink and we got along pretty well. So we ended up having dinner too. Oh, that's good.
55:18 Speaker 00 Oh.
55:18 Speaker 01 That's good, the way you wanted to go.
55:19 Speaker 00 Well, that's quite nice. So, oh, just for a drink. Actually, I'm hungry. Do you want to get some food?
55:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:23 Speaker 00 Nice.
55:24 Speaker 01 Nice progression.
55:25 Speaker 00 Yeah. Oh, actually, I'm, I'm, do you want to come back? Me husband's in the wardrobe. Oh, too far. Okay, maybe not. Bye.
55:31 Speaker 01 Not for you. I didn't really think I could see it going anywhere, but I thought he was pretty attractive and maybe we could just have a bit of fun. So we got all excited then, but.
55:42 Speaker 00 Also, we're not going to the wedding.
55:43 Speaker 01 Oh, not happening. So a few days later, I had him over to my apartment at about eight slash nine for a drink. Before we had even kissed, he had invited himself to stay over.
55:54 Speaker 00 Eh?
55:55 Speaker 01 Thought it was a bit strange, but I took it as a sign that he was keen to have sex. So I went with it because obviously she's a consenting, consenting adult.
56:03 Speaker 00 And did he, did he already have the condom on? Did he put it on before he left as you should? Or was he gonna be, go rogue and put it on at the house?
56:10 Speaker 01 Gross. One thing led to another and we ended up kissing and moving into my bedroom.
56:14 Speaker 00 Heavens.
56:15 Speaker 01 I excused myself to use the bathroom and when I came out, he was in his undies, getting into bed like he was going to sleep. I made a few jokes about me being an Airbnb and got into bed with him. When I got in bed with him, he told me that he didn't want to have sex. I was really confused by this point and wondering why he'd stayed over.
56:33 Speaker 00 Right.
56:33 Speaker 01 Just after having that conversation, he starts to get things going with me. I had no idea what was happening, but thought maybe he changed his mind.
56:41 Speaker 00 Right.
56:42 Speaker 01 Things were going well and we were both really worked up. When the time came for him to actually go inside me, to my surprise, he didn't take his underpants off. He proceeded to dry fuck me with his underpants on. I would describe it like dry humping, but instead of some rubbing action, he was actually banging his pelvis against mine like he was having sex with me. He even changed positions like you usually would. For anyone looking on, it looked like full blown sex, minus the fact that his dick was still very much inside of his underwear.
57:18 Speaker 00 Um, sorry, if, if for those of you listening, my jaw is wide open. Um, very rarely am I speechless. Carry on.
57:27 Speaker 01 I, I think dry humping when you're young is actually arid. It's quite like, it has its time, don't you think? But like not, if people start moving around in positions, I'd be like, what's going on?
57:38 Speaker 00 So, yeah, what, what's he doing? Film? Was he, was he, he's filming a fucking Hollywood movie?
57:42 Speaker 01 Like what the, yeah, the beginning bit.
57:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, just, just, you know, they don't have sex, do they? They're just protect, even in the most ridiculously filthy ones, they've got a, a flesh guard thing on and they're just slapping against each other's bits. Like, you said, like dry humping as a place, it's when you're, it's when you're a genius, it's when, it's when sex isn't an option. It's like, you know, either you're not ready or either, you know, the parents are downstairs or whatever, when you're younger.
58:08 Speaker 01 I think it's got its place in life.
58:10 Speaker 00 But when sex is fully on the cards.
58:13 Speaker 01 Yeah. It's a bit, it's a bit confusing. Um, once I realised that for him, this was the main event and he wasn't taking his pants off, I called it off. By this point, I was extremely confused, sexually frustrated and so.
58:27 Speaker 00 Oh bless you.
58:28 Speaker 01 The whole situation was just so strange. We fell asleep. Oh.
58:32 Speaker 00 You let him fucking stay.
58:34 Speaker 01 How do you fall asleep next to someone who's just fucking?
58:36 Speaker 00 Yeah, but he doesn't sleep on the bed though. He's not sleeping on the bed. No, no, no, he stands at the corner leaning against the wall. Yeah, yeah. He's not getting on the bed. You can't get on the bed to sleep. What are you doing? That's, no, that's too much. No, no, no, no. No, pyjamas, uh, in a packet. He just holds them. Uh, he just leans against the wall. Fucking psycho.
58:54 Speaker 01 Um, why, why are these people letting, sleeping is really, is really in the mid thing.
58:59 Speaker 00 You know, the next morning, he got in the car, he put the key in, he turned the car engine on just to take the handbrake off, opened the door, pushed his car home.
59:06 Speaker 01 Loads of these, by the way.
59:07 Speaker 00 Pushed his car home.
59:08 Speaker 01 Um.
59:09 Speaker 00 You know, when he brushed his teeth.
59:10 Speaker 01 Stop, stop.
59:13 Speaker 01 His mind. I still don't know why he didn't want to have sex properly. Maybe he had an STI. Maybe he just enjoys dry fucking. I will never know. I would love, I would love to know your thoughts about the whole situation because it still confuses me. Some extra details for context, I'm 30 and he was 34. Neither of us orgasmed, how could you? And I never spoke to him again.
59:35 Speaker 00 You let him sleep? You slept next to this person.
59:38 Speaker 01 You would say, oh, um, yeah, leave, please, please leave.
59:44 Speaker 00 So fucking weird.
59:45 Speaker 01 And even, uh, correct me if I'm wrong, I'm out of practice of STIs. I don't think you can catch them with condoms, can you?
59:52 Speaker 00 Um, I don't know, unless it, unless it rips or something. But then you go, you go, well, look, I'm not, I'm not fucking staying over. I'm not.
1:00:01 Speaker 01 You wouldn't, I think, it, correct me if I'm wrong, if you've got an STI, let's not go on the pole.
1:00:06 Speaker 00 Uh, yeah, yeah. Or let's not go to someone's house.
1:00:08 Speaker 01 Let's wait until the antibiotics have kicked in.
1:00:09 Speaker 00 Or let's just say, we'll have some dinner and a bit of kissing and then I'll see you later. Is it that thing of like, ha, ha, is he playing a game where it's like, oh, so just don't make sure you hold it back that time and then they're like gagging for it the next time. But it's like, come on, dude.
1:00:24 Speaker 01 Awful.
1:00:25 Speaker 00 Come on.
1:00:26 Speaker 01 When you're in your 30s, you know if you want to have sex or not.
1:00:28 Speaker 00 Yeah, to be okay, fair enough if he was a student or whatever.
1:00:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:32 Speaker 00 No.
1:00:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, you should be fully informed.
1:00:34 Speaker 00 That's so weird.
1:00:36 Speaker 01 Like when I was talking about dry home and I was talking, you know.
1:00:39 Speaker 00 Parents are downstairs, yeah.
1:00:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:41 Speaker 00 Yeah. Fuck me, that's, it's so odd.
1:00:44 Speaker 01 It's grim, isn't it?
1:00:45 Speaker 00 It's so odd. She should have known though, because you know when they were having the dinner? He was just opening his mouth and just throwing the food over his shoulder.
1:00:51 Speaker 01 Stop, stop.
1:00:57 Speaker 00 My fucking wall, our wall was covered in bolognese.
1:01:00 Speaker 01 Still let him sleep.
1:01:01 Speaker 00 Still let him sleep over.
1:01:02 Speaker 01 Still let him sleep.
1:01:03 Speaker 00 Mad. So we shit in the bin next to the toilet.
1:01:07 Speaker 01 Stop, stop.
1:01:12 Speaker 01 Thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmire and we'll be back next Friday.
1:01:21 Speaker 00 We will indeed. Thank you so, so much for listening and being part of this wacky, wacky doo da little world. As always, if you want to get in touch at [email protected] for long form written correspondence and 07874406650 for your awesome voice notes. Please keep them coming, I absolutely love it. Love hearing from you. Thank you so, so much. Back to you guys next week.
1:01:42 Speaker 01 Bye.
1:01:53 Speaker 02 Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.
1:02:21 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+
1:02:26 Speaker 04 What are you waiting for? Hop on.
1:02:29 Speaker 03 The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+
1:02:33 Speaker 04 This is the way. Our only chance is to work together.
1:02:38 Speaker 04 I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt.
1:02:43 Speaker 03 Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu now streaming on Disney+, rated PG-13.
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