Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Four

This week's Please Keep Me Anonymous Best Ofs, features chats and stories with Matt Edmondson and Mollie King, Emma Doran, Joanna Page and Seann Walsh (or is it Shaun Wallace?!) Matt and Mollie chat sensory deprivation tanks, Emma asks Chris and Rosie how they'd feel about being a dominatrix, Seann talks about the shock of seeing Matt Hancock when he entered the Jungle and Joanna's had her tubes tied! All this plus our guests read out some hilarious PKMAs sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:02Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:22Speaker 02

  I've had it with, do you know what, I've had it with Sean Locke, someone with a work in progress.

• 1:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  Uh, many, many, many, many moons ago.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  And it was going well, I thought, but there was someone that, you know when someone's face just stands out when they're not enjoying it? I was like, "Sorry mate, is there something wrong?" It's like, I thought it was Sean Locke.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Well, that's the same.

• 1:42Speaker 02

  Which is obviously hilarious.

• 1:43Speaker 03

  Same name, so I suppose.

• 1:44Speaker 02

  But, yeah, but I, but I knew one of Sean's routines off by heart, so I did it for him.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  And he, he bloody loved it.

• 1:53Speaker 04

  Wow. Wow.

• 1:57Speaker 02

  Got an encore, but as someone else.

• 1:59Speaker 04

  That's amazing.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  So, we're talking about you, there's two people, you're on tour at the minute. There's two people who have come to your gigs this week who thought you were someone else.

• 2:08Speaker 04

  As I said, two people.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, this has happened twice in the past week. So, basically, um, I'll tell you the, this way around. I did a photo, I was in Leeds, doing City Varieties, and I did a photo of someone that was telling me they had, this woman had travelled from Middlesbrough.

• 2:24Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, that's near us.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  Right, right, yeah, to get, get a selfie with me. And she couldn't, she couldn't come to the show because the show was sold out. I think I feel a bit guilty, I'm sorry, I would have sorted a ticket if I could somehow. Anyway, so I do this selfie with this lovely lady and she tells me that she loves my podcast, um, with Pete Wicks.

• 2:45Speaker 04

  Go on, fuck off.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  I know exactly who you mean.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, and, um, and I go, "Right." And she's going, "Yeah, I really love it." She says that we're, we're like the new, um, Morecambe and Wise. And she said, "I love, I love the episode with you when you're in your pyjamas." And I went, "Right, yeah." And it, yeah, it clicked, she thinks I'm Sam Thompson. And I felt so, she travelled from Middlesbrough.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  Not far from Leeds.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Nah, don't feel bad.

• 3:11Speaker 04

  Hour, hour and ten.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Okay, all right, that doesn't sound like a long amount of time until you, you take into consideration that it's to meet someone that is the wrong person.

• 3:19Speaker 03

  No, okay.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  And then that's a long amount of time. And so I, I went along with it.

• 3:23Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, good because she sounds stupid.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  You went along with it.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Just went along with it, just said, "No, it's Sam." "I'm glad you love the pod, we've got some great episodes coming up that I think you're really gonna enjoy."

• 3:36Speaker 03

  So she didn't, even when she met you in the flesh, didn't realise it wasn't you?

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Not at all, like, not at all.

• 3:42Speaker 04

  In her defence, it is an audio medium.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah, yeah, there is that, there is that. But I've had, I mean, I've had it before.

• 3:47Speaker 03

  You look a little bit.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Sam Thompson on, on T-MU. Sam Thompson from T-MU, I think is.

• 3:53Speaker 03

  Did she have glasses on?

• 3:54Speaker 02

  She did, no, no, listen, this is a just, this is a regular, you know, and, and, and if Sam Thompson's listening, "She loves you."

• 4:05Speaker 02

  I mean, "She really loves you."

• 4:07Speaker 03

  Listen, Sean, there's worse people to be, you said you look like Sam Thompson.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  So the other one.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Okay, all right, not Sam Thompson, this one.

• 4:14Speaker 02

  So this is another one.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  This is a different one.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  This person actually managed to make it to the show in Birmingham. And after the show, said, "I, I really enjoyed that, but I thought I'd come to watch Sean Wallace." Now, right, unsure?

• 4:30Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 4:30Speaker 02

  Unsure Sean Wallace, I was unsure, Sean Wallace.

• 4:33Speaker 03

  I might recognise his face.

• 4:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, from The Chase.

• 4:35Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 4:39Speaker 04

  The Dark Destroyer from The Chase. The, the black guy.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  And I, and I thought, maybe it's the glasses.

• 4:48Speaker 04

  At what point did they realise?

• 4:52Speaker 02

  About 20 minutes in. Hang on a second, that's not just really bright lighting.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  Look at that.

• 5:03Speaker 04

  Show the camera.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  Look at that, fucking amazing.

• 5:06Speaker 04

  Maybe it's the glasses, who knows? Can you see?

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Oh, no, well, again, though, same name, she's not looked at the picture, she's just thought, Sean, and Sean Wallace.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Sean Wallace.

• 5:20Speaker 04

  I'm not having it, I'm not having it, you're, you're a fucking moron if you're there now. I'm not having it, but I'm not, so, this has happened to me once.

• 5:28Speaker 02

  Black bald man.

• 5:29Speaker 04

  This has happened to me once. I was in Edinburgh Fringe.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  That's what I expect from that, I'm sorry.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  By the way, she enjoyed the show, but, but she said she was hoping it would be a little bit more intellectual.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  Well, yeah.

• 5:43Speaker 04

  That is such a burn.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Is Sean Wallace on tour?

• 5:49Speaker 04

  Everyone's on tour.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, that's true, everyone is in tour.

• 5:52Speaker 04

  Everyone's on tour, touring some shit. Everyone's fucking talking something.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  Oh, that's hilarious, fantastic.

• 5:57Speaker 04

  You'll remember the year in Edinburgh, when I see who it is, you'll remember the year that he was there, I walked out on stage and someone in my crowd, to be fair to her, I walked out, I said, "Hello," and she fucking shot up like someone had just like electrocuted her, just bolt upright, and she got her ticket and she looked at the ticket and she just went straight for the door. And I went, "Oh my God, I'm sorry, what's wrong?" And she went, "I'm not meant to see you," and she did recognise straight away because I am not and look nothing like Hannibal Buress.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  Who was also black.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  With glasses.

• 6:30Speaker 04

  With glasses. So the year Hannibal did Edinburgh.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  Okay, yes.

• 6:34Speaker 04

  And yeah, and I saw him afterwards and I went, "Dude," I went, "Did you have a lady come out tonight?" And he went, "Yeah," and I went, "She bolted out of my fucking show." So quick, mate, like, so quick.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  I would, I would have to stay and I would tell no one.

• 6:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, in her defence, Hannibal was sold out the entire run, it was very rare that he was in, he's American and it was very rare that he was in Edinburgh, and she took that, she took a bull by the horns and she went and I was fine.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  I, I, I hope this is all right for me to say, I think it is, but I, um, I, once I was in America, and in terms of like, you know, walking out of something.

• 7:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  I, my iPhone had broke.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  So I took it to the Apple Store to get it fixed, it was gonna take a couple of hours, they gave me a specific time for me to go and collect it, right? It was quite a couple of hours, I, there was nothing to do, so I thought, and I sometimes used to do this when I was younger on the road, you know, you're travelling all around the country, I'd, I'd just go to the cinema.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  And I'll just leave when I, you know, when I have to.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  And, um, I went and, uh, it was, I went to see The Black Panther.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  Mm.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  When it first came out.

• 7:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  And the cinema was sold out, yeah, that, exactly. It sold out and I was the, I'm not kidding, only white man in the screen.

• 7:46Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Right?

• 7:47Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  I'm enjoying the film.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  I don't see you walking.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  Great film.

• 7:51Speaker 04

  Oh, you had to go for the fall.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Gets to a certain time.

• 7:54Speaker 03

  Stop.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  Halfway through Black Panther, the only white man in the screen gets up and walks out.

• 8:03Speaker 04

  I'd have shouted, I'd have went, "I've got an appointment." "This is fucking awesome, this is amazing and I've got an appointment."

• 8:09Speaker 02

  I know. The only white guy. I was like, this is my worst moment of my life. And, and, and the cinema was packed, which you don't normally get in the, in the UK, like, it was sold.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  It was a big film, it was a great film.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that, yeah, so I should, you're right, I should have said, "Look, I'm really sorry, I have to collect my iPhone."

• 8:32Speaker 03

  Great film.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  Great.

• 8:35Speaker 04

  I do believe the whitest thing to say would be, "I'm sorry, I've got an appointment at the genius bar."

• 8:40Speaker 04

  "I'm so sorry, guys."

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Do you wear makeup for telly?

• 8:45Speaker 05

  Well, I'm not wearing any now, but if I were on telly, then yes.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:49Speaker 05

  But not a lot, really.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  They have to drag Chris to the makeup chair, like, literally, he hates it.

• 8:53Speaker 05

  If I've got like a little red mark or something, I'll just have them do that. And then like, they like putting powder on so you don't shine.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  So you don't shine, yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  But, um, otherwise, no. I mean, my first ever job was on kids TV and there was a woman and she'd done this, um, course where they, you ever had it, where they've got like an airbrush, literally like a spray.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Oh, they, they used to do that, didn't they?

• 9:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, and, and.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  That was a fave.

• 9:14Speaker 05

  And she was, she was bang into trying it out, but she didn't know what she was doing. And honestly, it was like an inch thick of foundation every day.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Oh, was she trying to tell you something? I never understood that.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  And just create a sort of offence.

• 9:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was horrendous.

• 9:30Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 9:31Speaker 05

  And you get to the end, they give you a wipe and you sort of try and wipe it off and it would be like, you'd create, you'd create a chasm.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:39Speaker 04

  Full Mrs Doubtfire. The first, first telly I ever did was some TV show on Channel 5, a little chat show on Channel 5, Ian Wright hosted it and they did that to me then. And they put the spray on us, I remember watching it back, it was the first thing ever, I watched it back at home and at one point I touched my face and it looked like a ghost was touching my face. It looked like a ghost's hand.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 04

  It come from under the table to touch my face.

• 10:02Speaker 03

  They always, did she, did she, how she turned your hands on her?

• 10:05Speaker 04

  I saw Claire, who does all the makeup, they, I wouldn't let her put too much on my face because then she has to turn my hands and I don't like it on my hands because it smells like sex and I don't like it.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  The hands are always the giveaway, aren't they? When you hold them up, it's like, "Oh, that's the real me."

• 10:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, the Donald Trump effect, yeah.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  The real me.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  I've seen, um, I've seen makeup artists apply, um, foundation to your legs.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  You're the only person I've ever met that's, that I've seen, that has, has makeup artists on the, on the legs.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, because if they're out.

• 10:31Speaker 06

  And I haven't been bothered to fake tan.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:33Speaker 06

  Do you know what? These are a bit ghostly.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 06

  They often are.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:36Speaker 06

  Never, never sunbathing anymore. Then we might put a bit of foundation down there.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, we don't see the sun anymore.

• 10:41Speaker 06

  Oh, hiding from it.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  To the point where our friends are having a baby, right? And we're going to a wedding and the baby, they're like coming in, how about weather to come, aren't they?

• 10:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  And the baby's going to only be six weeks. And I said to my friend Shannon, I went, Shannon, I don't sit in the sun. I will sit in the shade with that baby. You can go back to bed. Like, I don't, don't do the sun anymore at all.

• 10:58Speaker 06

  No, me neither.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:59Speaker 06

  I, I wanna see it, but from probably inside.

• 11:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, I wanna feel it.

• 11:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  But just secondary, like through the shade.

• 11:05Speaker 06

  Totally, but it means I'm quite ghostly.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 11:09Speaker 05

  I used to say about-

• 11:09Speaker 04

  But then she's always sat next to me, so it's fine.

• 11:14Speaker 06

  So then I suddenly get really sun kissed.

• 11:16Speaker 04

  I used to say about makeup, when, when you, when I first started doing tennis stuff and I put makeup on, you're like, you catch yourself on the camera and you go, oh god, I look, I look young, I look vibrant, this is amazing. And then going in the dressing room afterwards, wiping it off, it's like getting really ill really quick.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:29Speaker 04

  It's like, you're like, it's like you were playing a hangover to your skin.

• 11:32Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 11:33Speaker 04

  Do you know what I mean? You're just like blotchy and that again, and you're like, oh my god, I'm back to reality. And people see you in public and go, oh god, oh.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  I fully think men should embrace makeup more though. I really do. I really, really do, like, you age well, don't get me wrong. I think men, like, for some reason in this world, look better than women aging, but you could do with a bit of makeup. You definitely look better with makeup on.

• 11:53Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 04

  I live in South Shields, Rosie, I can't keep putting makeup on in, in real life.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  Do what you want.

• 11:58Speaker 04

  I'll get kicked the shit in Sainsbury's. Someone will jump on us, man.

• 12:01Speaker 05

  What would you, what would you, what would you have him do?

• 12:04Speaker 03

  Just a bit of concealer, just a bit of like-

• 12:06Speaker 06

  Your skin's so good, Chris.

• 12:07Speaker 04

  You've got makeup on now, man.

• 12:08Speaker 05

  Oh, right, okay, well, that's why, that's why I was gonna say.

• 12:11Speaker 03

  He's only good-

• 12:11Speaker 04

  Sorry, I take it back.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  He's only just started, the last, how long, three years? You've only started using like cream, like moisturiser?

• 12:18Speaker 04

  Well, I washed me, I washed me face in the hotel last night before bed and put moisturiser on and then came through and wanted to pat on the back of Rosie. I was like, I've washed me face, I've put moisturiser on.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  You should do your day.

• 12:27Speaker 04

  Never, ever, ever.

• 12:28Speaker 05

  Really?

• 12:28Speaker 04

  No, no.

• 12:29Speaker 06

  You haven't aged since the day I met you, you know that, don't you?

• 12:31Speaker 05

  Well, thank you very much.

• 12:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  It's because I also never go in the sunshine.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Mm.

• 12:36Speaker 05

  I don't drink.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:37Speaker 05

  And I sleep.

• 12:38Speaker 03

  Are you trying to say alcohol causes aging? I think it does.

• 12:42Speaker 04

  I won't believe, I won't have a bad word to say against alcohol.

• 12:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:46Speaker 04

  It's a, it's, it's a conspiracy. You all don't want me to have a good time.

• 12:50Speaker 03

  I feel fine after two bottles of wine, actually.

• 12:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  My day is not ruined at all. I can get through my Saturday with them kids.

• 12:56Speaker 04

  It's extremely healthy to piss the bed.

• 12:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:59Speaker 04

  It's so healthy. What's your problem? Do you know what, do you know the damage that it does to your knees getting up and going to the toilet because of the night?

• 13:09Speaker 03

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 13:10Speaker 04

  When did you start stand up?

• 13:12Speaker 06

  I started at twenty-nine. So, yeah, so she was like, say, ten, and then I was, I had just had another baby. So in the ten years, like, I'd met someone, we were like, having a great time or whatever. And I was like, it was a kind of a wake up call, because I'd done like little bits of, you know, bits of perform, but I'd be like, god scarlet, like, you know, I want to perform, like, you know what I mean?

• 13:36Speaker 03

  Because it's in you, was it in you for-

• 13:38Speaker 06

  I kinda wanted it, but I was embarrassed that, you know, I was like, oh god, looking for the attention and all. But I think when I was twenty-nine and I was having my son, I was like, do you know what? That ten years went so fast. I'm twenty-nine now and I've only really done like little bits and bobs. And I was like, I don't know if you had this realisation, but I was like, oh, I'm gonna have to put myself out there. Because I kept, I kept reading all these magazine articles about all these stars, like, it all just happened and, you know, so I was discovered and somebody said, you wanna do this? And I was like, yeah, and I was like, that's grand, that, I'll send out those vibes with my eyes and that will happen. But then I was like, I'm not good looking enough, I have to, I have to be a comedian. So I did-

• 14:22Speaker 03

  I didn't mean, I was saying, yeah.

• 14:24Speaker 04

  So you're just, offence taken, eh, carry on.

• 14:27Speaker 06

  But I went to the first one and I felt, I fell in love with it. I didn't know that would happen and I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know anything about stand up.

• 14:34Speaker 04

  Takes it on it though.

• 14:35Speaker 06

  Only from TV. I thought it would be like Eight Mile, you know, like Eminem, Puking in the corner and, and people are mostly nice at gigs.

• 14:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, I, so I used to do, did you, did you start doing like gong shows and stuff where they gong you off stage if they don't like you?

• 14:49Speaker 06

  No, we did, we didn't have a gong show in Dublin, but it would just be like, open mic, do this, you know, fifteen people on in the night kind of thing.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  So I would do gong shows when I first started.

• 14:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 14:59Speaker 04

  Eh, and they would play the Eight Mile soundtrack before you went on.

• 15:03Speaker 06

  Oh, no way.

• 15:04Speaker 04

  So, yeah, very sort of adversarial, gladiatorial style back in the day, like, you're very much, and then when you get to a gig that was quite nice and quiet and reserved and you're fucking shouting your material at them because you feel like the clock's ticking.

• 15:14Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 15:14Speaker 04

  They would always get a little bit, so then you'd have, that's when you got good at like reading an audience.

• 15:19Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 04

  But yeah, did it just get you straight away? Because it got me straight, after my first gig, I was telling people, oh, I'm a comedian now.

• 15:24Speaker 06

  It got me straight away.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 06

  I'd say it took me a while to put it on the old Facebook bio, you know, comedian.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:30Speaker 04

  Oh, I made my, I made my MySpace comedy page the day after my first gig.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  I'm not even surprised.

• 15:36Speaker 06

  But it's great though, it's so, it's so exhilarating. Like, I was really, I, I got chatting to comedians after the gig and they were telling me where else to go. So, you know, it was really like that thing, because it was one of these nights where you all do however many minutes and then the audience vote who was the best.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 06

  And I won, so I was like, oh my god. So I went home to himself and I was like, I won. And he was like, fuck off. But then I started getting, obviously really into it. And then a couple of months in, he had to take me to one side and he was like, sorry, what the fuck's going on? Like, I just had a baby, I was in a pub three, four nights a week.

• 16:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:11Speaker 06

  I'm not getting paid for any of these gigs. He's like, what is happening? He thought I was having a breakdown and I had to explain to him.

• 16:18Speaker 04

  It's starting to stand up is a bit of a breakdown.

• 16:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 16:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:21Speaker 06

  You know, so I had to say to him, no, look, if you, if you get on well in this place, they'll get you, and that place, whatever. And I explained the whole system to him.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:30Speaker 06

  And he was like, okay, but it's still kind of watching me like, what? But it's weird, it is weird.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, it's odd.

• 16:36Speaker 06

  You're going off, you're like, it was amazing night, there was eighteen people, and Jesus, I had them, I had them. And you're like, did you get paid? No, and I paid to get myself there and back home, but Jesus Christ, I'm onto something here, like, it's, it's a charade.

• 16:53Speaker 03

  It is a mad little world. I don't think it's, it hasn't changed much either. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. But I feel, because we've got a ten-year-old and a five-year-old, we're still in our house, there's still kid stuff, there's still toys everywhere. I'm like, when is this gonna end?

• 17:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  It's been ten years of just-

• 17:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Kids shit in my house. But like loads of my friends who've had two kids quite close together, their kids are older now and they're like playing in their rooms and they don't have toys everywhere. And I'm like, I'm still there.

• 17:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, still there. All of my mum friends from the first round, which was like, she's now thirteen, right?

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:27Speaker 07

  All of those mums, they've now got like their houses back and everything is tidy. You've got a kitchen that is just a kitchen, you haven't got like just a load of trucks and everything everywhere. But because bone out, and then the two boys, they've gone a bit more, Noah's just like really into football and Kit just wants to do science, so they don't really want a load of toys or anything. But bone out has just taken over the entire floor in the kitchen and it's been going on for thirteen years. And I'm now thinking, she's only four, so four, five, six, seven, about another three years solid of it before I suppose we can start getting a few things upstairs in the bedroom.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:59Speaker 04

  And you have another one?

• 18:00Speaker 07

  Oh, I can't, I have my tubes tied off though.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  Did you for real?

• 18:04Speaker 07

  Did you? Yes.

• 18:06Speaker 04

  You look so proud.

• 18:09Speaker 04

  Because I did win a fucking award.

• 18:13Speaker 07

  My husband, my husband felt like he had won an award when that was finally done. Because after the third one, because I had to have like lots of emergen-, well, my first was an emergency cesarean, second one, like nothing was going on. And, um, and so that ended up being a cesarean. So with my third one, I didn't have any choice, it was like you have to have a cesarean. And when I was having it, they said, look, are you thinking about having any more children? If not, we could do your tubes now and stuff.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  It's a big decision to me in that moment, isn't it?

• 18:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, but I'm quite impulsive, so I wasn't kind of freaked out or anything. I just kind of went, no, even though my husband was like, after three, that is it.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 07

  I kind of went, oh no, definitely not, because in my head, I've not really thought that that, this is gonna be it. So no, no, I'm not gonna do anything.

• 18:54Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 18:54Speaker 07

  So I was quite cool about it. And then we said, you know, well, he was adamant, there's not gonna be any more. And I thought, okay, I'm just gonna have a dog because I can see that he's not, you know, he's not gonna be pushed. And then, five years later, he was pushed. Yeah, and so it was like a complete accident when I was forty-four. Oh my god, right, you can tell that I'm so exhausted, right, from having all the four kids, right, and we're in the holidays, this is counselling and I'm full on venting because I've literally just met the pair of you.

• 19:21Speaker 03

  It's absolutely-

• 19:22Speaker 04

  We love it.

• 19:22Speaker 07

  I literally-

• 19:23Speaker 03

  What was it like?

• 19:24Speaker 04

  You're the same as us, you're an overshareer, I can tell.

• 19:26Speaker 07

  I'm such an overshareer. Because we had the three and my husband is one of four, so he was always like, you're gonna have four kids. And I'm an only child, so I thought, well, whatever you get, you're lucky with, you know?

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:36Speaker 07

  I don't know how many you're gonna have. And so we had the three and he said, right, that is it. And then, five years went by and I was forty-four, clearly ovulating, because, and I think my body must have been going, oh my god, this is like a last chance.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  The last hormone?

• 19:50Speaker 07

  Yeah, because I came home from the school run and he was in the garden gardening and, um, he was just in a pair, bare-chested pair of low slant, um, tracksuit bottoms. And I said, quick, get upstairs, we're gonna have sex. And he was like, oh my god, this is like insane, you know, we've got three kids, we barely ever do it because we're so exhausted, shot straight upstairs. As he's going upstairs, he went, you're ovulating, aren't you? And I went, I don't know, I genuinely, I genuinely don't know.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  It's your body telling you.

• 20:17Speaker 07

  Well, yes, and I was forty-four.

• 20:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, but make a baby because-

• 20:20Speaker 07

  Well, yeah, that month, you know, you can only get pregnant for about like three days or whatever. That month, we were so exhausted having three kids and everything and with whole life and everything.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:30Speaker 07

  We did it once that month.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  And that was it.

• 20:33Speaker 07

  Yeah, and that was it, and I got pregnant, forty-four, we'd only done it once that month and I got pregnant.

• 20:37Speaker 04

  Slam dunk.

• 20:38Speaker 07

  Yes. So after the fourth, I then said, yeah, okay, like just on a whim, I went, yeah, okay, I will get my tubes tied, because I do not, I would love to have another one, but I don't think I could go through another pregnancy.

• 20:48Speaker 04

  I will get my tubes tied because spring's coming up and if he puts them garden shorts on again.

• 20:53Speaker 07

  He starts gardening and he puts-

• 20:55Speaker 04

  That will be it.

• 20:56Speaker 07

  We are staffed.

• 20:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  With that Alan, with that Alan Titchmarsh vibes, come on.

• 21:04Speaker 04

  This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. TV License covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 21:16Speaker 03

  One of my favourite programmes ever is back for a 16th series. It's a real tearjerker. You're not as big a fan as I am.

• 21:24Speaker 04

  You are. This is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my God, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Long lost family.

• 21:32Speaker 04

  There it is.

• 21:34Speaker 03

  Born Without a Trace, ITV, BAFTA award winning series.

• 21:37Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  Hosted by Davina McCall and Nikki Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it, it's 16 series in, but it's just so emotional and it's just a fantastic programme.

• 21:49Speaker 04

  I don't know how they host it. It would kill me.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  I think that every episode.

• 21:53Speaker 04

  Yeah. I go, how do you do this job?

• 21:55Speaker 03

  They hold it together really, really well. And it's just beautifully, it's so well done. And it's, yeah, that's back for the 16 series, if you fancy it.

• 22:04Speaker 04

  Now, I tell you what else is back, something I used to watch all the time and I'm buzzing that it's back this, this summer, Animal Park. Marking 25 years of Ben Fogel and Kate Humble at the heart of BBC's longest running, it's BBC's longest running daytime favourite. It's so, I just, I like, don't get us wrong, I love your sort of Edinburgh nature things and your really in-depth things, but Animal Park, it's almost like, just a little cosy little, I don't know, like a little cosy little zoo, it's like the day-to-day running of the place.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:35Speaker 04

  It's just a really, a good show for all the family on iPlayer to watch whenever. And you're just sticking on when the kids are in and it's just a nice.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  Is it a bit of nostalgia as well?

• 22:44Speaker 04

  Oh, it's huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show.

• 22:48Speaker 03

  And Longley's a fab place.

• 22:49Speaker 04

  Brilliant.

• 22:50Speaker 03

  Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff.

• 22:52Speaker 04

  So do I.

• 22:56Speaker 04

  A TV License covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 23:09Speaker 00

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• 23:37Speaker 00

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• 23:51Speaker 03

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• 24:09Speaker 03

  You've got lovely new trainers on.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  I've got new trainers.

• 24:11Speaker 03

  Box fresh.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you. I don't know what brand, I do know what brand, how to pronounce it. Can you say it?

• 24:21Speaker 02

  Who knows? So basically, it's, I'm a celeb South Africa.

• 24:25Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  And the reason I'm where, this is, this is quite the, what do you call it? Reach around. But basically, it was the I'm a celeb South Africa launch yesterday.

• 24:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  And Gemma Collins is in it. And she, I spoke to her before the launch and she insisted that I got new trainers, because she does not approve of man just turning up like he was popping to the shop. Because my general dress sense, basically, if you had to name it, it would be man that has had to put on clothes to get something out of the car. That's, that's how I dress, basically. Like one Skecher, one of my daughter's slippers, you know, the joggers with the one string through the hole, the other string dangling down below the knee. So yeah, so this, these are, I'm wearing these because of Gemma Collins. It's such a weird, like, it's like a name drop, but it's not.

• 25:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  Strange life. Oh, those are nice trainers. Yeah, Gemma Collins told me to get.

• 25:21Speaker 04

  She told me I looked like shit.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  It's not a name drop, it's like, yeah, it's just.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  Before we started recording, I said lovely trainers and you just laughed out loud.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  I know, yeah, I'm sorry, yes, because I, yeah, courtesy of Collins. So yeah, jungle, jungle. Again.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  Did she last longer than it?

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Well, I can't, I can't tell you that.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  And this is going to be on in April time, yeah?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  This is going to be on in April time. I'm a celeb, yeah, it's Gemma Collins, Harry's back, Harry Redknapp's back, David Haye and Mofat, Scarlett Mofat, amazing, you know, there's so many names.

• 25:54Speaker 03

  So it's a best of, basically?

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know what, maybe they thought I was Sam Thompson. I don't know what I'm doing there.

• 26:02Speaker 04

  He came second, didn't he?

• 26:04Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 26:04Speaker 04

  I mean, he won.

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Oh my God. Shaun, you've been, you've been wrong.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  I know, it's brilliant.

• 26:09Speaker 04

  Brilliant.

• 26:10Speaker 03

  No, good for you.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, it's a good, because I laughed at the first time around.

• 26:14Speaker 04

  You must have enjoyed it the first time around.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  I loved it. I love, no, I know, I know, but I, do you know what, I didn't do any of the trials, really.

• 26:21Speaker 04

  Right.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  To be honest with you. And so I just got to hang around with amazing people.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  I don't, I never like fully, fully watched the full thing because it's just with kids, it's every night. Take Love Island, everyone's like, you're watching Love Island. I'm like, what? Every night of the week? I'm sorry. Sorry, no, I can't keep up, I can't, anyway.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  Celeb's great, the jungle's great. I just remember your first scene though, when you walked in and, oh God, what is it, Matt?

• 26:43Speaker 02

  Matt Hancock.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  Matt Hancock was there and you were just like, hello.

• 26:47Speaker 04

  Well, I think you went, oh mate.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Well, I love, in, they couldn't put this in the edit because of time. I laughed straight for 40 minutes. I couldn't, it was like a nervous laughter reaction.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  I couldn't believe he was there.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  What, what are you doing here?

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Didn't you, weren't you responsible for the handling of the pandemic? What are you? I just, yeah. And then within 10 minutes of him being in the show, he sang Ed Sheeran to me. And I'm like, is this really happening? So you know when they go South Africa, it's bigger, it's badder, you know, it's larger.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  It's going to be tougher. I had Matt Hancock sing Ed Sheeran to me. It's not going to be that much tougher. How do you react to that?

• 27:34Speaker 03

  I think you are the best person though to actually be the, they've thought about that. I think they were like, they were clever about that.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  It was, it was absolutely surreal. I mean, like, you know, I'm only messing with what I said in the tour show years ago, when I, so I came out of that and went on tour. But I said, like, I walk into the jungle, I'm a latecomer. I get, they, they kind of walk me in, they push me in, you're there in the gear. I look around, no, no one's there. I'm expecting to see like the 12 cameras. No one's there. I'm in the jungle. I've been isolated for 10 days. Been in a house. Because it was, it was the first one after Covid.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  So I've been locked on my own for 10 days and then released into the jungle. No one's there. I've not spoken to anyone in 10 days. Then the man, the former health secretary that dealt with Covid, walks out the bushes.

• 28:24Speaker 04

  Locked in a house for 10 days.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  And I thought, fuck me, everyone's dead. This is it, it's the end of the world. It's just me and Matt left in the jungle. What the fuck?

• 28:38Speaker 05

  Have you ever done an isolation tank?

• 28:40Speaker 04

  Hell no.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  I don't believe I could be with my own thoughts.

• 28:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like a coffin full of water and it's the temperature of your body and it's got salt in it. So you float. So the idea is that you, you can't, it deprives you of all of your sort of sensory input. So it just feels like you're floating there and they close it and there's, there's just sort of faint light on the, on the ceiling, which is about here.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  I've seen them.

• 29:05Speaker 05

  Yeah. And, and you're meant to be in there for an hour. And a friend of mine, this is before I knew I had ADHD, a friend of mine said, oh, we should go and do one. And I went in and I was there for about 45 seconds. I thought, what am I going to do for an hour? But to be left alone in a, in a coffin with my own thoughts for an hour, horrendous.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  That's torture.

• 29:23Speaker 04

  I'm literally, I've been lying there, you know, God's a lot Eminem, fill him with the venom and a little bit of that. Fill him with the venom and a little bit of other words, a minimum, I don't want to hear it.

• 29:30Speaker 03

  I don't like silence. I can't deal with, do you like silence?

• 29:33Speaker 06

  I hate it. I hate it. Even when I, if I treat myself to a massage, you know how they've got the, like the lovely spa music? I don't want it. I want like an episode of Friends or an episode of a podcast running so I don't have to think about my own thoughts.

• 29:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:46Speaker 06

  Otherwise I'm just lying there thinking, got to do that, got to do that. Oh, did that go okay? Oh, I shouldn't have done that. Actually, I just want to hear nonsense.

• 29:52Speaker 03

  I start counting the strokes and I'm like, I am insane.

• 29:58Speaker 04

  We've never got up with double digits though.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was going to say, what's your P?

• 30:01Speaker 03

  Come on, let's get past 12. Come on.

• 30:03Speaker 04

  We've never got up with single figures. Yeah, we've never got up with double digits. One day.

• 30:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, I'm the same. I think about everything else, I can't switch off.

• 30:11Speaker 04

  Sorry, stroke is just such a terrible word to use. You left, that was an open goal.

• 30:14Speaker 03

  You know, the stroke, yeah, I'm like, one.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  So I get, I get, I get obsessed. I don't know if I've told you this, I get obsessed with the symmetry of it.

• 30:21Speaker 03

  Oh, yes. They haven't done long enough.

• 30:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, so they'll do, we look one side of the leg and then they do that side. Oh my god, that was, they didn't do the same on that one.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  Never as long as they.

• 30:29Speaker 04

  I'm gonna be walking around in circles this afternoon. They've, they've broke us.

• 30:32Speaker 03

  Babado, babado, babado, ba. My sister's got two boys. She went, you know what, Rosie, one night, they'll just not come in your room ever again. And that's it. And I was like, that's the saddest thing I've ever had.

• 30:41Speaker 04

  It's like that thing, it's like that thing when people say, um, one day you'll, you'll put your child down.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  And you'll never pick them up again. And you're not knowing.

• 30:49Speaker 07

  Somebody did that to me when I went out for the first time after having Kit, who was my second one. And we went out and we were sitting outside like this cafe. And Eva must have been about two and a half and she was like running around and I was there and Kit was just like a couple of days old. And these women came up to me and they were like, oh my gosh, she's so adorable. And this woman said, you need to look at this poem. Called The Last Time or something and read it. So I was like, oh right, okay. So I was really hormonal anyway. And I searched it and it says, one day it will be the last time that you ever brush their hair. One day you will pick them up and carry them and then you'll put them back down and it will be the last time that you have ever picked them up. And I just sat there crying and was like, what sort of sadist does that to a new mother?

• 31:31Speaker 04

  That's so awful. That's like a drive by.

• 31:34Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 31:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, she just walked past, gave you the worst poem in the world and then kept going.

• 31:38Speaker 07

  But you did that to me the other day as well.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  What have I done?

• 31:41Speaker 07

  So, oh my god, your post about the table.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Oh, the table.

• 31:46Speaker 07

  And then it made me laugh afterwards that you then put another thing on saying, I'd just like to say that I was really premenstrual. And it's just a table. But by that point I was crying going, it's not just a table though, it's not just a table. It's not just a table. All of the times that I was watching them, watching them, when they're sitting, I started crying.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  That table's seen some, seen some shit.

• 32:06Speaker 07

  And it got to the end and I was openly saying, but no, it's, but it's not just a table though, it's not.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  Table.

• 32:10Speaker 07

  Do you know what my husband wanted to do? Which, because I was like, oh my god, I can't believe that this is along the same lines.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:15Speaker 07

  He wanted to burn the cot.

• 32:19Speaker 07

  What sort of man or human being does that? Because, right, we moved that to Oxfordshire.

• 32:24Speaker 03

  Not want any more kids, by the way. You cannot give, this man is giving you all of, do not have any more children.

• 32:30Speaker 07

  All the time.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Please, honest to god.

• 32:33Speaker 04

  You're gonna, you're gonna see, you're gonna see you've got a log burner or something, aren't you?

• 32:36Speaker 07

  No, we were, yeah, we live out in the countryside, right? So we had, he had a bonfire going in the garden.

• 32:41Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:41Speaker 07

  And he said, we don't need, uh, there's loads of stuff that we don't need now.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:46Speaker 07

  Um, and we don't need the cot, so I'm gonna burn it. I was like, are you serious? Can you not? Like, he was like, well, we don't need it, so we may as well put it on for what? I was like, but emotionally, and like, what it means to us, and every single one of our children has been in it.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  It's the same cot that you had for all the kids.

• 33:06Speaker 07

  The children have been in the cot. And I said, and aside from that, what, what that means to me.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:11Speaker 07

  Don't you think that that's like a really, like a bad luck thing as well? How could you do that on our family? So he did it. He told me to kick down the tip, but.

• 33:21Speaker 03

  No, he's burned it. Men don't give a shit.

• 33:23Speaker 07

  No.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  They do not give a shit. You would, literally, Chris would throw photos away. He's that kind of, he's that kind of fucking devil. I swear to god, like.

• 33:31Speaker 04

  I had to tell her that our table was still in the garage. It's not.

• 33:34Speaker 07

  Is it, has it gone? Has it gone?

• 33:36Speaker 03

  No, it better not be.

• 33:37Speaker 04

  I've got, I've had to go to Ikea, I've had to go to Ikea, buy another one and I've looked at them photos and I'm having to dirty it up the same as the one that we had.

• 33:43Speaker 07

  Oh my god.

• 33:44Speaker 04

  I'm joking, I'm joking, I've got it, I've still got it, it's in the garage, it's in the garage. It's a bloody good job, like, I got, I text him, your heart sank.

• 33:50Speaker 03

  I text him when, because loads of people commented on the video and they were like, you can't get rid of it. And I was like, I can't get rid of it. So no, we're gonna keep it. Because loads of people said, what about when you're like a, a nana and a grandma and stuff? And I was like, then the table comes out.

• 34:04Speaker 04

  We're keeping it that long?

• 34:05Speaker 07

  No, but you know what I've already decided? I said to James the other day, when I die, I want you to put me in the coffin and all of their artwork.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  The cot.

• 34:13Speaker 04

  Put us in the cot, put us on the bonfire.

• 34:16Speaker 07

  Make the cot, right, just extend the cot, right, and bury me in that. But all of their artwork, right, that's on the fridge and on the walls and that I've kept, I said, I wanna lie in the coffin. And then put all of that on top of me. And then I had to extend that then to the dog's ashes, who's already, you know, she, no, she's, no, the thing, no. The two spaniels' ashes, when they die, they've not gone yet, but when they die, they'll come in with me.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  Right.

• 34:39Speaker 07

  And then our other dog Daisy, our Jack Russell, because I wouldn't cremate her. So, oh my god, this is all getting like. I've already dug her up.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Dig her up. No, you fucking haven't.

• 34:50Speaker 04

  Sorry.

• 34:51Speaker 07

  So, she was my first ever dog that I had as an adult when I was 21.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  Right.

• 34:56Speaker 07

  And I was in London and I got Daisy, my little Jack Russell. And so, my god, from the age of 21, she lived until she was 16. So we've been through like everything together. And then when she died of old age, I said, I can't cremate her, I just can't. I just can't imagine doing that. I just want, I just want to keep her, I'm just going to bury her. So that is what we did. And then, um, we all buried her and the kids were there and then we put her in a basket and put like loads of flowers around her. And put a little blanket in. Oh my god, it was heartbreaking. So we put her in, I was just devastated.

• 35:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:29Speaker 07

  And then now, you know, years and years have gone by and we've moved from the house where we buried her. Day before we moved, I said to James, well, you've got to dig her up, you have to dig her up. Because she's my first child, she's my first born, you have to dig her up. And he didn't even say anything because he was like, obviously, he's, he had to. Because she was coming with us, there was no way in hell she was gonna be left there. So god love her.

• 35:52Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, I'm not.

• 35:53Speaker 07

  The night before we went, right, he had, you know, a head torch on and everything and he's there digging her up.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Why at night?

• 36:03Speaker 04

  Because their motherfucking neighbours to see.

• 36:06Speaker 07

  I think he was putting it off and then it got to a point when he was like, right, gotta do it now. Yeah. So he had to dig and he said he dug all the way down massively, all the way around, got like literally the whole thing out. Because we buried her in a basket with all the stuff and everything. And then we had to put her in like this big, um, you know, like see-through box thing. That you put clothes in and shove them up in the attic. So we put her in there and she's come with us. And, um, because I don't think we'll stay in the house that we are in.

• 36:34Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 36:34Speaker 07

  And she's still in the garage now, in the box. So, and I will never cremate her. So until we actually move somewhere where I'm like, okay, this is us retired and we're gonna be here forever, we will bury her here. We'll either do that or, oh my god, this sounds awful, but if I die before then, basically that whole box is just coming in with me. Pour all of that on me as well, put the lid down, then you can bury me.

• 36:57Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 36:58Speaker 07

  And this does make me actually want to tell you that, oh my god, this is generally like a therapy session. I bought somebody else's dead dog the other day. This is like insane, right? I was, um.

• 37:12Speaker 04

  You bought someone else's dead dog?

• 37:14Speaker 07

  Yes, and I didn't know it was somebody else's dead dog at the time, because I was in Wales and I was in a charity shop. And, um, I love buying all sorts of like mad or sweet cute little, you know, ornaments. I'd already bought this big fat blue tit. Because it had loads of symbolism on breastfeeding and all sorts of things like that, right? And so I bought that, brought it home, it was about three quid and James was like, it's disgusting, honestly.

• 37:37Speaker 04

  Blue tit, not the bird. Oh, a bird, right, okay, sorry.

• 37:41Speaker 07

  He was like, oh my god, it's, it's just, it's just not very nice. I was like, it's symbolic.

• 37:45Speaker 03

  It means something.

• 37:46Speaker 07

  Through. I saw this little ornament and it's like this plastic, see-through plastic. And it's about that size and about that wide and it's a cute little dog with a collar.

• 37:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 07

  And it, you can see through the plastic and it's got sand inside it. So I was like, oh my god, it's like a paperweight. You turn it over, there's a little stopper in it.

• 38:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:03Speaker 07

  And so I bought it and brought it home, showed it to all of my friends and they were like, it is, it's a dog's ashes. I was like, yes, it's not, it's a paperweight, look, you know, it's got sand. They said, that's not sand, those are a dog's ashes. And they said, can you see those big solid bits which are on the top? Those are bone, which haven't, you know, gone to ash. And, um, so I went and I went and Googled it and everything and I actually found the exact replica of it. It's, um, a plastic little dog, um, ashes urn thing.

• 38:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:31Speaker 07

  And, um, where that you put your dog's ashes in. So I brought someone else's dog's ashes from Wales all the way back home to Oxfordshire. And, um, we've now got them in the house and James says to me every day, can we get rid of this now? And I'm like, no, you can't.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  You can.

• 38:44Speaker 07

  No, I, well, I said, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go on a dog walk with our dogs and then I'm gonna find a nice tree.

• 38:50Speaker 03

  Oh, that's nice.

• 38:51Speaker 07

  Say like a little prayer and say goodbye and then I will have felt that that's respectful.

• 38:55Speaker 04

  Are they not coming in the coffin with?

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Surely there's room in the coffin.

• 38:58Speaker 07

  I know. I, I will not extend the invitation to somebody else's dog, but I will make sure that it's been scattered in a nice way.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  But that dog, that dog could have killed a kid.

• 39:11Speaker 07

  It could have, man. I mean, it could have. We don't know why it died. We don't know if it died of old age. We don't know if it was a traumatic death, or we don't know if it had to be put down.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  You don't know. This, this is what I think about old men. You know, old men sometimes.

• 39:24Speaker 07

  Yes, and you think they're all sweet.

• 39:26Speaker 03

  Well, everyone goes, oh, he comes in here every day. He's such a nice guy. You go, I don't think he is.

• 39:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  I think, I think his whole family have cut him off because I think he's a dickhead. And I think you think he's this lovely old man and, oh, we're, we're buying his denies.

• 39:38Speaker 07

  How do you know he's not a pervert?

• 39:39Speaker 03

  No, I think he's a fucking, I think he's, yeah, I think he's a wrong'un, actually. So, that dog.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  So Rosie has told me.

• 39:46Speaker 03

  Somebody, somebody has given them ashes to the charity shop. He was a bad dog.

• 39:50Speaker 07

  But they always say.

• 39:51Speaker 02

  Rosie's told me that theory many a time. I can't believe she's finally hearing it on the podcast, but there it is. The old man theory. That's, that's, that's one.

• 39:58Speaker 07

  But could be a pervert. You don't know.

• 39:59Speaker 03

  Well, exactly. I just don't think.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  You two in the same room together is danger. I don't, I'm not enjoying this at all. I'm very worried.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  You don't see many women, you don't see many women knocking about on their own, do you?

• 40:07Speaker 07

  True.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  You don't, you don't see many women. They've always got a friend or a family member.

• 40:11Speaker 04

  There is an old woman who used to walk up and down our street, who stopped and spoke to me once, and said that her whole family, children and husband and everyone else had died and she was the last one left.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  Oh, died. I was gonna say phone out there and then she's, oh, no, they'd all died. That's sad.

• 40:27Speaker 04

  And I felt the same as you, Rosie. I didn't trust her. So.

• 40:30Speaker 07

  How do you know she wasn't lying? Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I backed the Culver. I backed the Culver and I don't want to regret it.

• 40:35Speaker 07

  Do you have her ashes?

• 40:37Speaker 04

  I do. They're getting buried with me.

• 40:39Speaker 03

  Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Chris has got great Sean stories, you know, Sean Mall stories.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  Really good ones.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  I'd hate, I, I would hate those stories.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  You couldn't believe.

• 40:51Speaker 02

  We once, we once went to a country house with our mutual friend Jimmy McGee.

• 40:56Speaker 03

  This is the stories.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  A wonderful, brilliant comedian and, and friend. And, um, and we wrote, did we actually write a script?

• 41:04Speaker 04

  We wrote a pilot script.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  We wrote a script?

• 41:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, we wrote a pilot script.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  I don't remember. Right. I thought we just wrote a treatment. We wrote a script.

• 41:11Speaker 04

  I think so.

• 41:12Speaker 02

  Where me, Chris and Jimmy McGee were in a band.

• 41:14Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  Oh, I've never known what it's been about. Is that what it was about?

• 41:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, that was. I think I've been embarrassed about it.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  We're in a band.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  What was it for?

• 41:25Speaker 04

  For Channel Four. It was a script. We got commissioned. Yeah.

• 41:29Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no. You'll remember more than me. But the, one of the reasons, I'm sure there are many reasons that it didn't, um, it didn't go to TV. But one of the reasons was there was another, there was like a comedy group that were a band and they had a sitcom.

• 41:43Speaker 04

  They had a sitcom. What were they called? There was an actual comedy band.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:48Speaker 04

  Of younger, it's younger than us, better looking than all three of you were, apart from Jimmy.

• 41:52Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Jimmy's, Jimmy's quite a.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 41:54Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 41:54Speaker 02

  I'll accept that.

• 41:56Speaker 03

  He's a, he's a charmer.

• 41:57Speaker 04

  And they had, I can't remember their name, but they had a, they were a comedy band and they had a script in comedy and they, they went with them and said.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  I once, here's like a commissioning nightmare story that I, I still think about to this day.

• 42:09Speaker 03

  Love these.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  You, you probably won't remember this. Me, Chris and Jimmy.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  We got, we just, um, Chris's agent, like, just got us into the back of this car, like instantly went, right, love the idea. We all had several ideas to pitch a sitcoms. Right, come with me. And we just walked straight into a black car and we drive straight to Channel Four.

• 42:30Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  Amazing. What a thrill. Like this guy could just drive us straight into Channel Four. We go in, I think we pitched the band sitcom. I think there's another sitcom. And then I have a kind of left field idea. You won't remember this.

• 42:45Speaker 04

  This is ringing a bell.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Do you know, do you?

• 42:48Speaker 04

  Come on.

• 42:48Speaker 02

  Have you got any memory of it?

• 42:50Speaker 04

  Did you see it in the meeting?

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:52Speaker 04

  It was fucking, it was sci-fi or something weird, wasn't it?

• 42:55Speaker 02

  It wasn't sci-fi, but it was fantasy.

• 42:56Speaker 04

  Right, come on.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  Slightly different. My idea was that.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  I'm getting a flashback of like looking at the phone.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  Because you know, I'm gonna love it, you know.

• 43:06Speaker 02

  So, so the, the idea was me, Chris and Jimmy.

• 43:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  Played animals.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Does it, can you, does this, do you remember this?

• 43:21Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 43:22Speaker 02

  Right. We played animals.

• 43:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:24Speaker 02

  And, and it was, and it was like animals. Do you remember animals of Farthing Wood?

• 43:28Speaker 03

  Loved it, yes.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Right, I loved it.

• 43:29Speaker 03

  Amazing.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  Me, me and, and Chris and Jimmy played like foxes and badgers or whatever, a rabbit. And we're, and we're trying to get back. And if, and if, if ever it's like, if ever there's like a wide shot, as in, you know, you can see everything, the camera's far back, then you'll see like, will be, I remember I specifically pitched a scene where we were in a service station. And I said, but you know, when the camera's back, you see there's like a badger and a fox and a rabbit walking around the service station. But then when it cuts in, it's just us. Just us playing, it's just us as ourselves, but Chris is a badger and I'm a fox. And the woman at Channel Four broke into hysterics and not the hysterics you want, just started laughing at me.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  I just went like this. I'll never forget it. Sorry, are you serious?

• 44:23Speaker 02

  And I had to just sheepish.

• 44:24Speaker 04

  The best, the best bit about this was, no, no, no, no. The best bit about this was, there was a discussion in the car on the way there where we said, don't fucking say the animal one.

• 44:34Speaker 04

  And he fucking said it. There was a moment of dead space.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  And this is what I meant about Sean's story. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

• 44:42Speaker 06

  Me, well, I find comedians were terrible. If we audition, do you like, actual actors are auditioning all the time.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:50Speaker 06

  And then comedians might do an audition like, you know, once a month or something and they'll tell you about my audition for that.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 44:56Speaker 06

  But an actor wouldn't, an actor wouldn't, they're just like, I just audition all the time, like whatever.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  That's the thing about, when it's throwing off shit some sticks. They, like, you hear, like, so many massive actors get turned down for roles and you go like, but it's the thing in an actor is like, you audition, audition, audition, audition. You do 20 auditions, you might get one of them. Or you do 50 auditions, you might get one of them.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 45:14Speaker 04

  But comedians are so fucking precious.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:16Speaker 04

  You get one audition a month, you don't get, you go, never do it again. And then a month later, you'll get another audition. I've done like three auditions in my entire life. Got one of them, didn't get the other two. Thought, I'm quitting. I'm not, I'm not doing that.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know. Couldn't handle this.

• 45:27Speaker 04

  Comedians can't take, no.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 45:30Speaker 04

  I don't think so.

• 45:31Speaker 03

  But I, I sometimes think comedians make some of the best actors though. Cause I think you are so aware of like, you surround, well, in, in, well, actually, no.

• 45:40Speaker 04

  What happened there was Rosie started, Rosie started saying something that didn't apply to me personally and then changed it.

• 45:46Speaker 06

  I saw there was a little look out of the corner of my eye.

• 45:48Speaker 04

  Cause sometimes I can't read a room.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  No, but actually you are like, now that I've met other comedians, especially male comedians.

• 45:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  You're all very similar.

• 45:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:59Speaker 03

  You are all very, very similar, very similar people. Not extrovert, like very much introvert, which I find surprising.

• 46:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. But female comedians, I don't think I like that.

• 46:11Speaker 06

  They are, I think they are different. Yeah. Um, well, how would I compare a female comedian? Hmm. It's tough. You see, because I suppose for a female comedian, you never have the thing, oh, of after a gig, men sliding into your DMs.

• 46:27Speaker 03

  No, no, they wouldn't. Why would, you're too confident. You're too.

• 46:31Speaker 06

  The odd one, but they'd be like, can I send you money for nothing? Or like feed pics? You know what I mean? It would never be.

• 46:40Speaker 04

  Sorry.

• 46:41Speaker 06

  Would you like to go on a date or something?

• 46:42Speaker 03

  You'd be offered money for nothing.

• 46:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:44Speaker 04

  Right, Rosie, stop it. This is like when you heard about podiums.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  This is like, I would, do you know when people, you'd hear about like sugar daddies?

• 46:55Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  I would love a sugar daddy.

• 46:58Speaker 06

  You would be tempted though, because he is saying like nothing.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, nothing. They just like to buy you stuff. You don't have to do anything.

• 47:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:06Speaker 03

  You don't have to do anything at all. You just get.

• 47:08Speaker 06

  And some of them like, I think, I think I've heard, the nastier you are to them. So it's not even like that you have to respond or say thanks someone with grace.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 47:18Speaker 04

  I take all that nastiness for free. This is amazing.

• 47:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, you just let them send you money and you just say, fuck off.

• 47:24Speaker 03

  Fuck off.

• 47:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:25Speaker 03

  What, it came, it came. Yeah, it came, that bag that you bought came three days late, dickhead.

• 47:32Speaker 03

  And I've already spilled coffee on it, so fuck you. Um, that would give me so much pleasure.

• 47:37Speaker 06

  Wouldn't it be great? My, I would love to, now older down the line, I think like a dominatrix would be so much fun.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:44Speaker 06

  Wouldn't it?

• 47:45Speaker 03

  Yeah. But then. I don't know.

• 47:47Speaker 06

  No, but one that did nothing, that was just kind of like there with a whip kind of.

• 47:52Speaker 03

  That would be, yeah, that would be nice.

• 47:53Speaker 06

  Fucking stadia.

• 47:54Speaker 04

  Stadia, stadia. What's that thing?

• 48:00Speaker 04

  Stadia is the best.

• 48:01Speaker 03

  Look at that, stadia.

• 48:05Speaker 06

  I'm not doing anything. I'm not pulling anything in clamps or nothing, I'm just.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  No, I don't want to touch them.

• 48:11Speaker 06

  No.

• 48:11Speaker 03

  No, it's gross, it makes me feel a bit ill actually, but yeah.

• 48:14Speaker 06

  No, it's kind of hard when you have to have the card machine and you have to go, okay.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  At the end.

• 48:18Speaker 06

  No, just tap it, yeah, lovely, you know.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 48:21Speaker 04

  But then, all right, here's a question, right, and I never thought I'd ask, if you are a Dominatrix and you're like fucking stadia and you're like having a right go at them and you're slapping them, you're spitting on them and that. At the end, when they're paying the card machine, are you then given good customer service? I thank you so much, thank you, there's your receipt.

• 48:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, and they'll be booking you in again.

• 48:38Speaker 04

  Come and book you in again. So is it not, you know, like hanging their coat up and all that when they come in, is it all lovely and then does it go there? Or do they come in and you go, you're fucking late, you're.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:47Speaker 04

  I don't know how it works.

• 48:48Speaker 06

  I think you give them a coffee when they come into the waiting area and then when they come into the room, they're like, you stink of coffee, stale coffee. Disgusting, yeah.

• 48:57Speaker 04

  Would you like a banana? You've got banana breath, you fucking pig.

• 49:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:00Speaker 03

  I don't know why that would.

• 49:01Speaker 04

  I'd be up for this.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  No, you would.

• 49:04Speaker 04

  Not having a dun to us, I'd be up for being nasty or something.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  You could not have a Dominatrix do stuff to you.

• 49:09Speaker 04

  I couldn't be one either. Yeah, it would break us, I would, yeah, I would cry my eyes out, it would really.

• 49:12Speaker 03

  You, you would, if, if anything.

• 49:14Speaker 04

  You would strip us back to nothing.

• 49:15Speaker 03

  No, you would need like the, um, like, like to mother it, you would need the other end of the thing.

• 49:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'd be the baby one, yeah. Like, I don't want, I can't believe I'm saying this. I don't want either of them.

• 49:28Speaker 03

  No, it is your 40th this year.

• 49:29Speaker 06

  This is why I said it.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  This is why.

• 49:31Speaker 04

  So we're planning my 40th, right, and the choices are, right, well, right, gun to me head, baby, someone just cuddle us and give us some milk and let us have a nap. Or Dominatrix, nap and baby every single time. However, gotta have a normal life or live that, I'll have normal please.

• 49:48Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 49:49Speaker 04

  This is on film and audio and I've just said that.

• 49:52Speaker 06

  The only reason I've said this was, I was like, if I say this now, they'll have to say something back, let's see what they say.

• 49:59Speaker 04

  Or we'll ruin anything.

• 50:00Speaker 06

  Now I seem totally normal and you're talking about being swaddled.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  Oh, no, not, oh, I'm not, no, swat, you didn't mention swaddling, I get claustrophobic, I'm not being swaddled, I get too hot. I kind of, you know, I thought I'd enjoyed a weighted blanket, but I have to put my feet out the bottom. I'm not getting swaddled, you can fuck right off.

• 50:17Speaker 06

  We let you peek a little, a couple of toes out the bottom.

• 50:21Speaker 04

  Weirdly, this is, I'm to the piss, someone listening out there, this is their fantasy, there was a man listening to this now who has just got himself an unsolicited erection and shame on you, sir.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  I don't have a fantasy and I find that really sad.

• 50:33Speaker 06

  Silenced, I find silenced, like, ooh, silenced.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, like, no, I mean, like sexual, like a fantasy sexual, I don't really have any. I don't know, okay, let's stop talking about it.

• 50:44Speaker 04

  Emma, let's, Emma, let's see how good your media training is. If we just talk about sexual fantasies for long enough and just see if you just blurt yours out and then we'll tell you we can't leave, we'll have to leave it in.

• 50:53Speaker 06

  I was going to play, when I say something, we're like.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  I'm sorry, right, how long you been a comedian for, Emma?

• 50:58Speaker 06

  I have been.

• 51:00Speaker 04

  How long you been a pervert, Emma?

• 51:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 51:07Speaker 00

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• 51:36Speaker 03

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• 52:05Speaker 03

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 52:07Speaker 05

  Dear Chris and Rosie, a while back, I was running late to meet some friends for a drink and I remembered I needed to get some cash out. As I was heading to the cash machine, I noticed a quite handsome guy heading towards it too. So I picked up the pace and ran past him to jump in front.

• 52:21Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 52:21Speaker 05

  I put my card into the machine and typed in my PIN number. Suddenly, the screen went blank, just a white screen. I panicked, as you would, as I thought, of course, the machine had eaten my card. It then displayed, please wait, on the screen for about 20 seconds. I turned to him and showed him that there was an issue. Suddenly, I heard a faint phone ringing sound coming from the machine. I obviously thought, this was strange, so I was staring at the machine bewildered and then the ringing stopped and I heard, Sarah? I was like, what? I didn't know this was the thing, but the machine must have somehow picked up who I was and the customer service team were trying to assist me, Molly.

• 53:03Speaker 06

  I leant forward to the machine and I said, hello? It responded, Sarah, hello? I replied, hello? Yes, I can hear you. The machine isn't working, I don't know what to do, followed by ramblings of what the issue was and the fact that I didn't think I'd lost my card, et cetera. I kept talking, getting my face closer and closer to the screen so they could hear me, then silence. Here we go, guys, wait for this.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 53:30Speaker 06

  The handsome man behind me then tapped me on the shoulder and said, I think that voice is coming from you. I think it's coming from your pocket. Oh, no, it's coming from, oh, God, see?

• 53:41Speaker 03

  No, I'll just talk.

• 53:42Speaker 06

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. I took my phone out of my pocket and yes, I had somehow pocket facetimed my dad.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 53:51Speaker 06

  Oh, no, oh, no, and he was the one shouting my name, oh, my gosh, while I had my head fully planted into the cash machine, shouting out like an absolute moron. I hadn't noticed that the screen had gone back to, to normal in this time and eventually managed to obtain my funds.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 54:10Speaker 06

  The man stifled his laughter like an absolute gent, what a gent.

• 54:14Speaker 03

  Oh, nice.

• 54:15Speaker 06

  But I don't think he'll forget the girl that screamed into a cash machine for no reason.

• 54:19Speaker 04

  It's always.

• 54:20Speaker 06

  Way to make a first impression.

• 54:21Speaker 04

  In front of a handsome man.

• 54:23Speaker 06

  Isn't it, I'm still single and still cringe when getting the cash out.

• 54:28Speaker 03

  Oh, bless her.

• 54:28Speaker 04

  Easily done.

• 54:29Speaker 06

  Sarah!

• 54:30Speaker 04

  Easily done. That is so good.

• 54:32Speaker 03

  But how are people still pocket dialing?

• 54:34Speaker 04

  That's a fuck, I get pocket dialed quite a lot.

• 54:37Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 54:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, I always pocket dial people.

• 54:40Speaker 03

  Really?

• 54:40Speaker 04

  Because I use Siri quite a lot and sometimes it just decides.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:44Speaker 04

  You'll say like, oh, can you play this song? It's like calling Gary Bishop. You're like, I've, I've spoken to Gary for 15 years. Mine sometimes.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  It's Siri that.

• 54:54Speaker 04

  Mine does the same, mine sometimes tries to phone, I ask for songs in the car with the kids.

• 54:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:58Speaker 04

  And it'll try to phone someone, like, someone who I know who's famous, but I'm not on phone call in terms with, so if they saw a missed call from me, people, why the fuck are they ringing me? Yeah, like, Jimmy Carver, and I'm like, I know him, but we're not on, I'm not going to give him a ring on a Tuesday afternoon. Jimmy, I'm just in the car with the kids, got any jokes? Yeah, like.

• 55:14Speaker 03

  Sing us a song.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 55:19Speaker 07

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

• 55:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 55:23Speaker 07

  After hearing the stories about weird spreadsheets people keep, I wanted to share my story with you. Not a spreadsheet, but something just as harrowing. This story will age me slightly. When I was about 14, the local shops were full of magazines like Just 17, Cosmopolitan, Sugar and Marie Claire.

• 55:42Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 55:43Speaker 07

  There was a magazine called More, which was definitely the more risque magazine.

• 55:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, I remember that.

• 55:48Speaker 07

  I had that on subscription, and Just 17 as well.

• 55:50Speaker 04

  Well, that was, can I just say, that was a part of the magazines that all sounded like sex words. More, now, heat.

• 55:57Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 55:57Speaker 03

  Miz, I remember Miz, that's not really.

• 55:59Speaker 07

  Oh, my God, I loved Miz.

• 56:01Speaker 03

  Miz was cute, wasn't it? Yeah, that was really good.

• 56:03Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 56:03Speaker 04

  My mate was, um, Miz Magazine Top Television 2021.

• 56:07Speaker 07

  Oh, my God, who was he?

• 56:08Speaker 04

  Neil Granger. Neil Granger, yeah, yeah. Miz Magazine Top Television 2021, I forgot it.

• 56:14Speaker 03

  What was he in at the time, was it Crossroads?

• 56:15Speaker 04

  Crossroads, I think he was in, yeah, yeah. He then played, he then played, we were in, so you know Chris Guernan?

• 56:20Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 56:21Speaker 04

  So Chris Guernan had directed the first series of Heaven, the sitcom I was in, which was Baby Car as well. And it was just after, she gave me the full Gavin and Stacey Fox set because I hadn't seen it all at the time and she literally brought it and gave us it and I binged it while I was on Heaven, so, yeah.

• 56:34Speaker 07

  Oh, my God, that's amazing.

• 56:35Speaker 04

  Chris Guernan's the best.

• 56:36Speaker 07

  I love Chris, he's just amazing.

• 56:37Speaker 04

  Just fantastic, fantastic. Anyway, sorry, sorry, sorry, yeah.

• 56:40Speaker 07

  I would buy Just 17 but secretly read my older sister's copy of More from cover to cover.

• 56:46Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:46Speaker 07

  Yeah, it included loads of gossipy stories, fashion tips, but best of all, sex advice.

• 56:52Speaker 03

  I remember this.

• 56:53Speaker 07

  And a position of the week feature.

• 56:54Speaker 03

  Position of the week?

• 56:55Speaker 07

  Do you remember Position of the Week?

• 56:56Speaker 03

  I do, yes, oh, my God, it's all coming back.

• 56:59Speaker 04

  I thought it was just boys magazines that had this monkey stuff in.

• 57:01Speaker 03

  No, there was sexy bits in this.

• 57:02Speaker 07

  Yeah, Position of the Week.

• 57:03Speaker 04

  Position of the Week, how long does that feature run?

• 57:06Speaker 07

  It was every week.

• 57:07Speaker 03

  It was, yeah.

• 57:08Speaker 04

  But did you visit, we're, we're using them.

• 57:11Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 57:12Speaker 04

  Missionary again, like, what's going on?

• 57:15Speaker 03

  Missionary, but slightly on an angle.

• 57:17Speaker 07

  I remember looking at all of them, yeah, and not doing any of them because I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 17. But I was just like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

• 57:24Speaker 04

  Position of the Week, I'm sorry, after a month, I've run out.

• 57:28Speaker 07

  Can you imagine coming up with all the stuff, it's like every week.

• 57:30Speaker 04

  On the other side, on like, on your left side, yeah, one arm behind your back, fucking hell.

• 57:36Speaker 07

  They lifted this time but pointed feet.

• 57:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, fingers crossed.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  But it was always different and there was a full explanation, but like you say, I was so young and I was literally like, eh. Absolutely not doing tips.

• 57:48Speaker 07

  It's like, oh, my God, nobody will even kiss me yet. I'm never going to get to do anything like that.

• 57:53Speaker 03

  Real life Julia, Julia.

• 57:56Speaker 07

  The magazine got shared around friends at school, siblings at home and then ended up in the bin, or so I thought.

• 58:02Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 58:03Speaker 07

  Years later, when we were moving house, I was helping my mum pack her bedroom up. I went under the bed and found a lovely Liberty-esque gift box. I opened it, thinking it would be full of mementos from our childhood, first teeth, baby wristbands, et cetera, but no. The box was full of.

• 58:24Speaker 03

  Stop.

• 58:25Speaker 07

  You've got to guess what this is now.

• 58:28Speaker 03

  I don't, I always tell Chris off because he guesses it right every single time. But I feel like.

• 58:32Speaker 04

  I'm gonna go full in with cutouts of every position of the week.

• 58:37Speaker 03

  It might be that.

• 58:38Speaker 04

  Calendar, a calendar of position of the week.

• 58:40Speaker 03

  Under our mum's bed. What the hell.

• 58:42Speaker 07

  Do you want me to read it?

• 58:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, go on.

• 58:44Speaker 07

  My mum had collected our discarded copies of Moore magazine, cut out the position of the week and kept them in a beautiful box under her bed. I was absolutely mortified and stuffed the box back under the bed. Not only was my mum still having sex, but she had a catalogue of various positions that she must have been using for reference. I was horrified. I am now older than my mum was all those years ago and find it hilarious at how absolutely appalled I was.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  That's.

• 59:16Speaker 04

  Fantastic.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  I kind of, it's, it's really kind of liberating. It's quite cool and sweet, but at the same time.

• 59:25Speaker 04

  I love the idea that the mum and the, she should get them out, right? She'll shuffle them like a deck of cards and she'll fan them out and she'll go, go on, Terry.

• 59:31Speaker 03

  Which one do you want?

• 59:33Speaker 04

  See which one we're doing this week, Terry, like that. And he just puts them all.

• 59:36Speaker 03

  I can remember that, was it like stick figures?

• 59:38Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 59:39Speaker 03

  That they used to, it was like, there'd be a picture of it and then a full explanation.

• 59:43Speaker 07

  But why keep it in such like a beautiful, but I, I know that I wouldn't be arsed to keep it in like a beautiful box. I just sort of, I'd probably have it in a car, a carrier bag or like something like, oh, you know, or like just in my head going, oh, what one do you fancy now?

• 59:57Speaker 03

  Remember, wouldn't you surely?

• 59:58Speaker 07

  Yeah. But I mean, but it's kind of romantic because these days we just kind of go, oh God, if we need something to bring, what's on? Let's have a look on here and.

• 1:00:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:05Speaker 07

  But so, I mean, that's quite sweet.

• 1:00:07Speaker 04

  I love that. I love it.

• 1:00:09Speaker 07

  I wouldn't know if I want to pick them up and like hold them because I'd be a bit like, oh.

• 1:00:13Speaker 03

  I'm all right for positions though, like loads of different, I don't get that.

• 1:00:17Speaker 07

  Well, I think that I get to a certain age now that I'm kind of like, there's only so many and there's only so many. I'm tired.

• 1:00:25Speaker 03

  I know, I know.

• 1:00:26Speaker 07

  I'm tired. You know, I'm tired.

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  Well, sometimes, I couldn't really grab it, but sometimes I'm like, can I just be the one lying down?

• 1:00:34Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  And not do anything.

• 1:00:36Speaker 07

  Do you know what I think about like trying to conceive, like towards like probably about our third one? I sometimes would just be like, right, come on, just get on with it. Get yourself going. I'd just shove it in for the last bit because I just, I just can't be arsed now. I sometimes, because I'd be a bit like.

• 1:00:52Speaker 04

  Shove it in for the last bit. I'll pause, I'll just, I'll pause, I'll pause the telly, right? Go on, right? Okay, we're done.

• 1:01:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, great. Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 1:01:05Speaker 06

  Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. I've been with my partner for quite a while. I would love to tell you our magic story about how we got together, but it was basically a one night stand that somehow lasted 11 years.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  That's us.

• 1:01:17Speaker 04

  That's us.

• 1:01:18Speaker 06

  Lovely.

• 1:01:19Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:01:19Speaker 04

  11 years and go.

• 1:01:20Speaker 03

  11 years as well.

• 1:01:21Speaker 06

  A one night stand.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  One night stand.

• 1:01:22Speaker 06

  Was it good? Yeah.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was all right. It was decent.

• 1:01:26Speaker 06

  So this is where I should stop asking you about that now and what did you do?

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  I'm literally having my sexual encounters reviewed in front of us by my wife.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  We did everything.

• 1:01:37Speaker 06

  Did you?

• 1:01:37Speaker 03

  Everything.

• 1:01:38Speaker 06

  Everything, yeah.

• 1:01:40Speaker 04

  The people in the next room just fucking lost their minds because they know how uncomfortable I am now.

• 1:01:48Speaker 06

  You did everything.

• 1:01:48Speaker 03

  Well, like not everything, like just, just full. So funny because we love talking about other people's sexual, but we very rarely talk about our own.

• 1:01:56Speaker 06

  Exact same.

• 1:01:57Speaker 03

  But yeah, no, we did everything. We did the full, the full sex, everything.

• 1:02:00Speaker 04

  I do believe it was full sex.

• 1:02:01Speaker 03

  It was full sex.

• 1:02:02Speaker 06

  Lovely. Congrats.

• 1:02:04Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  I do, I remember I went home, I do, I remember afterwards, because I went home afterwards and I got me chart out and I did take the full sex box on me.

• 1:02:10Speaker 03

  Oh, good. Yeah, I'm glad.

• 1:02:13Speaker 06

  It's great though, when you first meet the person you're with and you're just riding to meet the band, you're just in bits, your legs are in bits, you're just like. Had a UTI every other week.

• 1:02:25Speaker 06

  But you're happy, you know what I mean?

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's the best dots, best dots.

• 1:02:31Speaker 04

  Oh, good God.

• 1:02:32Speaker 06

  Yeah. Okay, sorry. So there, there's a couple I had the same.

• 1:02:35Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah.

• 1:02:36Speaker 06

  Like a lot of couples, we enjoy a cuddle in bed before you fall asleep. Although after 10 minutes, we both are too warm and roll around and face the opposite direction, fall asleep.

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  That's right, yeah.

• 1:02:45Speaker 06

  After a while of being together, one night I felt an arm come around me during the night whilst he was asleep. Cute, I thought, even in asleep, he wants a cuddle. This occurred a few times and I quite liked it. However, one night, a few seconds after the mid-sleep cuddle commenced, I had the most bizarre experience of my life. Whilst his hand was on my stomach, he began fingering my belly button.

• 1:03:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:03:13Speaker 06

  It lasted a few seconds and then apparently satisfied, he rolled away and continued snoring. When I mentioned it the next day, he couldn't, he wouldn't believe me.

• 1:03:23Speaker 03

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 1:03:26Speaker 06

  I have an innie.

• 1:03:31Speaker 04

  Why is that so funny in your accent? I have an innie.

• 1:03:38Speaker 06

  I have an innie. It's just the way, it's such a statement. Look, right, I have an innie, okay.

• 1:03:42Speaker 03

  So it's more disgusting.

• 1:03:43Speaker 04

  Cards on the table, I have an innie.

• 1:03:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  So it's a hole, basically.

• 1:03:47Speaker 06

  Let's stop beating around the bush here. I have an innie, which is better than an outie anyway, but anyway. I have an innie. I wouldn't say it's weirdly deep, but apparently deep enough to satisfy his nighttime urge.

• 1:03:57Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 1:03:58Speaker 06

  Well.

• 1:03:59Speaker 04

  I hate them.

• 1:04:00Speaker 06

  Jesus Christ. Well, a few nights later, I felt those wandering fingers approaching my belly button once again. This has become a frequent occurrence over many years. Yes, my poor belly button is violated with unsolicited fingering on a regular basis. To make matters worse, not only have I developed a very niche ick, but the sensation, the sensation also makes me need a wee.

• 1:04:26Speaker 04

  Fucking horrible. This is torture. This is actual torture.

• 1:04:30Speaker 06

  So not only do I get awoken by this, the least sexy fingering ever, I have to lean my warm, comfy bed to go for a pee.

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  Oh, nah. Oh, no. I'm not all right with that.

• 1:04:42Speaker 04

  It's awful. Get this man tied down in the middle of the night. This is horrible.

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  I don't like that.

• 1:04:49Speaker 06

  I don't like anyone fingering their belly.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  No, I'm, I don't like being touched when I'm asleep. I'm just like, get off.

• 1:04:58Speaker 06

  Well, it's not consensual.

• 1:04:59Speaker 03

  It's not.

• 1:05:00Speaker 04

  But being woken up.

• 1:05:02Speaker 03

  Walked up by someone, prodding your belly button while they're asleep.

• 1:05:05Speaker 04

  And they're needing a piss pot, that's, so me and.

• 1:05:08Speaker 06

  It's obviously a button being pressed there.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  Well, it is, it's being bladder fucked.

• 1:05:12Speaker 04

  Well, me.

• 1:05:13Speaker 03

  Literally.

• 1:05:14Speaker 04

  Wow. Me and Carl Udsen, who's a friend of the podcast, who, who you know, who supports us on tour. And when we're on tour, if like, we sit side by side in a, in like a van thing. And if the tour manager says, oh, you know, there's a service coming up, is anyone in the toilet? If one of us lets slip and goes, actually, yeah, I'm desperate. We, the other one just leans across and just pushes the stomach as hard as he can to try and make the other one piss themselves. That's basically what he's doing to this poor woman every night.

• 1:05:40Speaker 06

  And you say that wouldn't be funny.

• 1:05:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, oh, do you, oh, you're desperate and just push each other's stomach in. Yeah, it's horrible.

• 1:05:47Speaker 06

  You see, and female comedians wouldn't do that to each other because we wouldn't piss ourselves out.

• 1:05:50Speaker 03

  Well, exactly. Oh my God, I sneezed on the train yesterday, a little wee. I've just remembered it.

• 1:05:55Speaker 06

  You're gonna have to sort out that back.

• 1:05:56Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:05:57Speaker 06

  The pelvic floor is in bits.

• 1:05:58Speaker 03

  It's everything. Just remember that.

• 1:06:00Speaker 04

  She's got, she's got a trampoline that she's only been on once. She's only been on the trampoline once because she jumps too high.

• 1:06:04Speaker 06

  Well, no, every, that's, but you know what you have to do if your kids have a trampoline and they want you to get on. It's another button. You've got to wear a tampon.

• 1:06:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. What, full dry, are you tamponing?

• 1:06:15Speaker 06

  Really, you can give it a spit and put it in, but you have to.

• 1:06:20Speaker 06

  That's the trick for the maz. If your kid has a birthday and you want to get on the trampoline with them, you don't have your period, but you've got to.

• 1:06:26Speaker 03

  You've got, yeah, yeah. Could maybe do that, but I will try that. Try it, honestly. Putting a dry tampon in, honest to God, I don't think there's anything worse.

• 1:06:34Speaker 06

  Nobody's putting a dry tampon in. Everyone's getting a lick.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  Sometimes when it's like towards the end.

• 1:06:38Speaker 06

  I'm sorry, it's just out of the pack.

• 1:06:40Speaker 04

  Do you know what's upsetting us more? I'm going to swear, it's nothing to do with dry tampon, it's nothing to do with the vagina here. It's the fact that you're licking, like, it's like quite a cottony.

• 1:06:48Speaker 03

  It's just cotton wool.

• 1:06:49Speaker 04

  You're not licking cotton wool. It's making us want to die. It's like getting hair in your mouth.

• 1:06:53Speaker 06

  No, but I get, get the one with the applicator.

• 1:06:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll try that. The fact, the fact that some men find like sanitary products disgusting is just.

• 1:07:01Speaker 04

  Licking a dry one is upsetting us, Anna. Hey, do what you've got to do. Look, this, you know, I'd rather that and you piss all over me trampoline.

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  I mean, it's my trampoline.

• 1:07:11Speaker 06

  I could rub your face by just coming in the door and just licking a dry tampon. And you're like.

• 1:07:16Speaker 03

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  Hi, Chris and Rosie. Greetings from the US.

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  Oh, hello.

• 1:07:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, right. Please keep me anonymous. I work at a retreat centre that turns into an overnight camp each summer.

• 1:07:29Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 1:07:30Speaker 02

  Right. As a councillor, I live in a cabin with eight to 10 boys each week.

• 1:07:35Speaker 03

  Awful.

• 1:07:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, making sure they get to where they need to go and looking after them throughout the day.

• 1:07:40Speaker 03

  Horrible.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  Now, I typically work with our youngest campers who are all eight years old and so, as you might guess, a lot of crazy shenanigans go down and I love it. For a bit of context, each night the boys must carry their toiletries and pyjamas down a small hill to the bath house to get a shower and brush their teeth. While they do that, I typically sit outside the cabin and wait for them to return. One night, I'm sitting there when one of my little campers runs up at the hill from the bath house. Backpack of toiletries thumping against his back, fully in tears. Now, this camper is one of the too cool for school boys of the week. So the fact that he was crying immediately made me think something awful had happened.

• 1:08:26Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

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• 1:08:57Speaker 05

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites, but unless I repeat the word kayak, kayak thinks you won't remember that. So Kayak asked me to say kayak as man. Any times as possible. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Kayak. Search and compare travel deals with kayak. Kayak. Got that right.

• 1:09:19Speaker 03

  You sound horrible. Oh, I feel worse. This flu is not playing around. Dad, you promised you'd be in my band, and it's showtime. Then it's Dayquil Intense Flu time.

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  For fast and powerful relief of your flu symptoms, try Dayquil Intense Flu.

• 1:09:34Speaker 04

  Hit it.

• 1:09:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:36Speaker 00

  Dayquil Intense Flu, the fast-acting daytime coughing, aching, aching, aching fever power through your flu medicine. Use is directed. Keep out of reach of children.

• 1:09:46Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:09:47Speaker 02

  What's wrong? I asked. Did something happen in the bathhouse? He pulled me over to the side and between sobs told me, "I pooped in the shower."

• 1:09:59Speaker 02

  Trying to hold back my laughter, I responded, "All right, buddy. That's okay. Which shower stall was it? We can get it cleaned and nobody even has to know it was you." But he shook his head. "It isn't in the shower anymore." "What do you mean it's not in the shower anymore?" I assumed he had stomped it down the drain, but I never would have guessed what he said next. "It's..." Or do you want to guess?

• 1:10:25Speaker 04

  I know where it is. I always get these right. I know exactly where it is.

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  It's in his back.

• 1:10:30Speaker 04

  It's in his backpack.

• 1:10:31Speaker 02

  Is it my backpack?

• 1:10:34Speaker 02

  The little boy had taken his toiletries out of the plastic, put it in the bag, and put the bag in the very backpack that was resting against his back at the very moment.

• 1:10:43Speaker 03

  Oh, poor baby.

• 1:10:44Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 1:10:46Speaker 04

  Oh, bless him.

• 1:10:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:49Speaker 03

  As a mother of sons, that breaks my heart.

• 1:10:51Speaker 04

  I know. Yeah.

• 1:10:53Speaker 02

  Poo bags are normally for dogs.

• 1:10:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:10:55Speaker 02

  Not...

• 1:10:56Speaker 03

  I've got a really... Oh, sorry.

• 1:10:57Speaker 04

  I just, I always worry. We've got sons. I always wanna be like, like, I don't wanna tell them to freak them out, but I want to say, sometimes I wanna go, "If you shit yourself at school, people will remember when you're 40. Don't fucking do it. Don't do it." So many things. I wanna go, look, with the benefit of hindsight, I'm telling you now, I spot people and I still remember that they shat themselves at school.

• 1:11:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:19Speaker 04

  Maybe that's because I'm petty, but, you know.

• 1:11:21Speaker 02

  Just whisper that into his ear every night before he sleeps.

• 1:11:24Speaker 04

  Don't shit yourself at school.

• 1:11:27Speaker 02

  Night.