A Garage-full of Beef and a Late Night Feast

This week on the podcast, Chris has single handedly been lowering the family golf handicap (someone’s got to!) and Rosie is planning a jam packed trip to Edinburgh Fringe! Chris has a big beef with Rosie, and they get a visitor in the studio... All this plus icks, QFTPs and voicenotes sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Mar Denoyd.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  It's still the school holidays.

• 0:03Speaker 00

  It's still the fucking school holidays.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Wow, still the school holidays. I've been away playing golf though, so I'm okay. I've had a nice time.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  We've got a massive spider in the studio.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  It's still in the corner, it's huge.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  It's all going on.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  It's staring at us. I have got a mega beef, mega beef. And you know what you've done? And bad, bad Rosie.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  Questions from the public.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  And some cracking voice notes. Enjoy.

• 0:30Speaker 02

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• 0:59Speaker 03

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• 1:29Speaker 00

  Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shag Mar Denoyd with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Welcome back.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  Hello, hello, hello.

• 1:38Speaker 00

  To the madness.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Yes, we're here.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  Kids are still off.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Kids are still off.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  Chris, Chris. Promise me now, next year, we are, we're taking on work. We are taking on some jobs.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  Do you know what it is? No, no, because the grad.

• 1:56Speaker 00

  Don't you fucking dare be, stop being nice.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  When you join in, I'll stop singing because you ruin it. It's not fun. It's funny when I do it. It's just good when you do it. Now, listen. There are parents out there who will be working day and day out of this holidays and they'll be gutted that they've missed the lovely hot summer with their children. You apologize now. You apologize to them, people. You apologize to them.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Because yeah, because actually you'll be watching the clock at work thinking, when can I get home to see me darling children?

• 2:25Speaker 01

  And it's still nice. Hopefully we can have the barbecue on at night. Hopefully it'll not rain, blah, blah, blah. We have been lucky slash very unlucky to have a lot of time off.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  We have. No, because both of us have a lot of stuff coming up this autumn.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  We are booked and blessed.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Yes, booked and blessed.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Booked and blessed. People still, people, people still like we're.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Weird, isn't it?

• 2:47Speaker 00

  After everything. So we know that we've got a really busy autumn coming up. You're going to be away. I'm going to be away quite a lot also. So we were like, listen, summer or nothing. Really regret that decision.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  I just, we haven't been to London.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  I know.

• 3:02Speaker 00

  Together, just on our own.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Because we're going to do Please Keep Me Anonymous. I haven't been down, but it's all coming. It's all good. And yeah, it's just, it is what it is. It is what it is. And I've got the tour coming up.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  See, be honest though, we're just slaves to our children.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  We're just slaves to our kids.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, 100%.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  Constant, 24/7. If I have to make another fucking cheese sandwich.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  I walked in the other day from being away for a few days, right? I went and did a gig.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Well, come on, Chris has had a lovely time. Chris has, Chris has been away.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  If you're watching this on YouTube, I'm smiling.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Chris has been away a lot.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Well, it was work. It was work. I went away on Saturday night.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  Could have come home straight after work, but he didn't.

• 3:42Speaker 01

  Right. Again, it was work on Saturday night. It was a gig. Big thank you to everyone in Hereford who came. Do you know what? It was in a circus tent.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Was it good? Literally, we haven't spoke with each other.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Phenomenal. Thank you to everyone who came to the gig in Hereford. Do you know what was hilarious? So Russell Howard did it the night before me. So it was like a two night comedy festival thing. So Russell did it the night before me, then I did that night. And I got in, everyone was like, yeah, it's much cooler tonight. This is so much better that it's cooler because Russell last night, we had to push the show back an hour because it was 40 degrees in the tent.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Forty degrees.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  You wouldn't have hoped well.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Well, well.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Oh no. Oh, you'd have collapsed on stage.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  But listen to how ridiculous it is. They pushed it back. It was probably still boiling hot, but listen to this, right? This is how ridiculous this is. It was in the big top tent in the car park of Hereford Court Theatre, right? So they told me this whole story about how it was 40 hot and Russell had to do it, push it back an hour. And then they went, oh, you won't go to your dressing room. Do you know what my dressing room was? The main theatre, the main air conditioned theatre in the venue was my dressing room.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  I hate everyone.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  I was like, why didn't you just, why didn't you just do it?

• 4:45Speaker 00

  What theatre was it? Let's compare.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  I think that I had to do two. I think that I had to do two in that main theatre, but you could have just done two one hour shows in the air conditioned theatre rather than put everyone in a 40 degree yet. But hey, I told them on stage, I was like, I was like, I was like, you are sitting in this, it was quite hot. I was like, you're sitting in this tent sweating. I was like, I've just got ready in the air conditioned theatre. I was like, that's like having shit in a bucket outside of your bathroom door.

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Ridiculous. Yeah, it is.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  It was, it was very funny. It was very funny.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  But we're British and we're quirky.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  It was a tent. It was great that it was in a tent. It was really good fun.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  And we don't think, we never thought we're going to have this summer.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  We didn't. Of course we didn't.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Of course we didn't. And the last time I did a gig in a tent like that, I don't know if anyone listening remembers, it was Norwich. I drove all the way down to Norwich. MC went on, did great. Opener went on, did great. Midlack went on, did great. Interval, thunder and lightning, had to cancel the gig.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  I remember that.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  I came straight home.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  I remember that.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Devastated.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Did you get paid?

• 5:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, nice.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  And then, and then I did stay away for next door night, Rosie, but I, again, I am, I am the only one in this family trying to lower our collective golf handicap as a family. No one else is helping with this, so I had to go to the Belfry and I had to play golf for two days just to get like this family, man.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  I know. So.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  I just need to get it down.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Well, that's fine. I'm going to the fringe this weekend.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  You are.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  And I'm very excited about it.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  I'm really looking forward to it. Like genuinely what started as a bit of a loner expedition of me just sort of being like, I'm going to go at the fringe. And what's sad is that everyone's like, why is Chris coming? I'm like, no, I'm not going with Chris. Not going with you. No, I'm going on my own, but I've like, I've got loads of friends there and I'm just going to mill, I'm just going to fucking mill about.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  You're going to mingle.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  I'm going to mingle my tits off.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Get in.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  And yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. So.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  So if you're walking around Edinburgh this weekend and you see a pair of tits on the floor, Rosie's mingled too much and the tits have actually fell off. They've actually fell off.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  I'm going to have to be careful though, because I don't want to be drunk.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Don't want to be drunk in Edinburgh on my own.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  You'll be drunk.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  Well, fair enough.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Once you and John McNally get on it, it'll be a couple of absolute raves and strays. Horrible.

• 6:46Speaker 00

  Raves and strays?

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Is that it? Waves and strays.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  Waves and strays.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  I've got a kid called Rafe, can't get him off my mind. I'm a good dad.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  But I'm also meeting up with Stevie Martin and she does also enjoy, she drinks a dirty, have you ever had a dirty martini?

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Is that just a martini when they haven't washed the glass?

• 6:59Speaker 00

  No, it's a martini, which is just straight vodka, I think, or gin, maybe straight gin. And I like gin with like olive brine. And I love olives, but honestly, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever had.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Well, I told you this, man. We were out in London.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Olive brine. So it's the.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Like the brine. So if you have an extra dirty martini, you're just having more of the olive brine. Gross. Fucking disgusting. Horrible. And I, when she was drinking it, I just thought, oh my God, I need to try one of these. I've never had one because we've spoke about this before. You don't really, I don't, in the north, you don't really go to the all bar one and ask for a dirty martini. I think they, I think they'd probably spit on you. But anyway.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  That's a really, with the spit in it, that's a dirty, dirty martini. It's actually called a filthy martini.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Right. That's what you need up here.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  It's filthy martini. I think dirty martini is the olive brine. Filthy martini is the spit in it. Rancid martini, the piss in it.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  What's the come?

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Sexy martini.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Sexy martini. Right. Like, well, yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Murder martini, they put blood in. Yeah.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  You know I love a franchise. Shall we start a like a can, a can drinks good of just.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  What are the shitty martini?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  No, let us, let me come up with something. Well, that could be dirty.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Not the shit in it.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Yes, I know, but you wouldn't, that's so on the nose. A shitty martini. Come up with something better than that.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Okay, sorry.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  Not be martini.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Earthy martini.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Earthy. Back to basics. Anyway, I tried that drink and it was disgusting. I thought I'm never drinking one of them ever again.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  There it is.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  So that's what she drinks. So, and yeah, we're going to see Fatia.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  Me mate Kelly's on. I'm going to see Kelly. We're going for drinks. Me manager Lee's there. Robin O'Brien's there, who did our TV stuff. All of the team from the podcast are there. I can't wait.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Buzzing on my goon.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  If anything, there's too many people to catch up with.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Buzzing on my goon. Really lovely to not be invited. Great. What was I going to say? Yes, actually, let's crack the fuck on. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for watching. Ooh, exciting news. If you are watching, YouTube are changing the way they count the views now. It counts from straight from the beginning. So honestly, fucking turn off now. We've only got your view.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  I've got your view. Fuck off.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Go fuck yourself.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Fuck off.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Don't, don't.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  Put a wash on, you lazy bitch.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Just leave on in the background. Yeah. So thank you so much.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  No, I'm sorry.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  No, good. Yeah, we're joking. Yeah, we're joking.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Stay now.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  So thank you very much. And subscribe on your podcast shops and all of that. That'll be lovely. Thank you. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Now I'm bringing a sponsor from back in the day.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Back in day.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Back in day, back in olden days. Can you remember? This week's sponsor is school. Can you remember when your kids went to school?

• 9:45Speaker 00

  No.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Can you remember school?

• 9:46Speaker 00

  It's been so long.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  What used to happen was, right? You used to get up in the morning, you'd get them some breakfast, you'd put on, it was called a uni, uni form? Una form.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  I'll have to Google it. Hold on, was it?

• 9:57Speaker 00

  It's, it's just shirt and shorts.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Uniform. Sorry. Apologies everyone's pronounced uniform. So you put that on your children and then you would take them in the car to school.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  You would, this.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  The school, the school trip.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  None of this is a mental bit. This is a mental bit, right? You would leave them there and you'd come back on your own. They'd go into this building for the, like for the day, like eight hours, and you'd come back home on your own.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Do they get dinner?

• 10:23Speaker 01

  They get fed there. They get entertained there. They get taught stuff. Rosie, you used to pick them up. You'll not believe this. Like three o'clock, four o'clock in the afternoon.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  You would have, if you had a day off, you would have a full day without them. And then you'd go and pick them up and you'd take them home and give them their tea and stuff at home. Isn't that amazing?

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Well, how do you find out about, what age did they go?

• 10:41Speaker 01

  I don't think it's a thing anymore. I haven't heard about it. It feels like, it feels like 15 years easily. I don't think they do it anymore, but they used to. It was good back in the day.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  When that comes back around, I would love ours to go.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  I doubt it will. I doubt it will. It's never happened for ages.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  That's a ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  Thank you for playing along.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  You're welcome.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Sometimes, you know, I know you get annoyed by us, but sometimes you play along and it really,

• 11:03Speaker 00

  I know.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Really makes us happy.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  No, I miss school. They've had a lovely time, but it's time.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Do I keep saying to Robyn, I think I said it last week, I keep saying to him, I got him again yesterday. I went back to school on Monday, he went, what? That's the week after.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  I just, do you know what it is as well, right? Let's be real here for a minute.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Um, oh, cause on last week's podcast, I called us working class. We are not working class anymore. Me and you.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Live a very different life to when we were younger, right? We can't, we can't bullshit. We've got a good podcast. You go on tours, you sell out. We've earned a lot more money than we ever had as children.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Well, lives have changed.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, lives have changed massively.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Thanks everyone, by the way.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Cheers. You're so welcome, honestly. Um, but I am finding, we can afford it, but I'm finding these school holidays expensive.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Horrible.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Mad expensive, but we're in a world where we can afford it. So actually, you know, that's fine. But I'm so aware that I obviously, we still live at home, all of our friends have very normal jobs. How the hell is everybody coping?

• 12:01Speaker 01

  How are you meant to have all of these activities and all these things?

• 12:03Speaker 00

  Well, you can't.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. And again, again, I know I say this to people all the time. I'm guilty of it myself. Do not look at Instagram and think you're the only one not taking your kids on all these ridiculous days out. You're not, you're not. People just, they're showing off. That's all it is. They're showing off.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  It's all it is. It's all it is.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Do you know what happens with golf?

• 12:18Speaker 00

  But I just find, I just think, I love, I love time off with my kids and I think it's really precious. But can we, can we like, the government, can you just spread it out? Let's have more. Do you know when would be a lovely time to have more time? Christmas.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  Do you reckon?

• 12:33Speaker 00

  Well, I just think before Christmas, the build up to Christmas, let's have a week there. So then you're down to five weeks, right?

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Do all your things, you do your Santa visits, your grottos and all that shit.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, spring. Let's have another week in spring. And that, so you're down, I think four weeks, summer holidays would be perfect.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Rafe's got how to read.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Well, I know. I don't think he fully has. Went through a book.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  He claims he has. He's full of shit, but he claims he has.

• 12:54Speaker 00

  I just think let's shorten the summer holidays.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  It would be easier for people to get childcare. It would be easy, it would be less expensive. So you could spread it out across the year.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  However, however, for people who do go on holiday, then you've got only four weeks that you can go abroad.

• 13:09Speaker 00

  No, because you could go in the spring.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Ah, okay. Oh, I don't know. Do you know, can I just say though, they're looking on Instagram, so it happens with golf. You literally, you look on Instagram and you look at anyone who puts photos of golf and you go, they're always playing. They're not. They probably played once and they put the photos on. It's fucking ridiculous.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  But I hope he's all right, because I just think it's just the world's gone mad.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it can be a lot.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  You go to the cinema trips, fucking.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Eighty, ninety quid, like it's just insane.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  It's disgusting.

• 13:33Speaker 00

  I know.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Disgusting, the cinema.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  I know.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Honestly, take your own sandwiches, take your own Christian sandwiches, fuck them.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Noised.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Hello, hello. Now, um, just one more little point on the gig that I went and did the other day.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  In the tent.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  In the tent. First of all, it was like, I haven't thought about my material for this tour that I'm on at the minute, this stand up tour. I haven't thought about it since me last gig that I did in Swansea in May at the end of the tour. And I was like, I've got this gig in Hereford. I was like, I need to remember the show. And I was panicking. And I just want to thank you because you handled it in a very good way. Normally I like to be indulged when I'm having my anxieties.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  I've already got two children. I don't need another one.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, I've heard you should get that tattooed on you. You say it that often. I said to you, oh, Rosie, I don't, how am I going to remember my show? And you, to credit to you, you went, I'm not doing this. You went, I'm not doing this. You'll remember it. You always remember it. Shut up about it.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  Been 10 years.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  And I went, okay.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  You do it every, every tour.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  I went, fair enough. And I did, I remembered. I listened to it once in the car, the recording from Swansea, and I remembered it and I did it and it was fine. So thank you. Thank you for not indulging us and thank you for doing that. And I appreciate it.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  You're welcome. I mean, there was part of us that thought, fucking hell, if he doesn't.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  And I, well, I texted him the night, said I remembered it and you were like, I fucking knew you would. So, yeah. So there we go.

• 15:12Speaker 00

  Because it doesn't go. It's like.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  There was some bit, it's so odd. There was some bits, I started the story and in my brain I went, where am I going with this?

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  And I just kept talking and it just fell out my mouth, muscle memory.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  If you put on, um, what's it? I remember when rock was young. I could do the crocodile rock for you.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  That I learnt at Pontons.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:32Speaker 00

  When I was 18.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  And it would just fall out of your mouth. Yeah.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  I remember when rock was young. Me and Susie had so much fun, holding hands and skipping stones. Na na na na na na na, with a rock of my own. It's called the crocodile rock. It was a dance.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no, no.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  I'm rocking a side of ship when your feet just can't keep still.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Right, so.

• 15:54Speaker 00

  I never knew me a better time, but I guess I never will.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Sorry, cards on the table here. Anyone coming to see, no, no, no. Stop there. Anyone coming to see my stand up, I actually remember it word for word. There's not a part.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  I didn't sing it. I just did the dance.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Great. There's not a part where I go, hey, so the other day, I fell over and that was just the teachers. No, I will, I will succinctly say every single word, so don't worry about it.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Right. Um, so I did that. I went to the, um, I went and did the gig and then I'm like, stop. She's got to finish it. Fucking Christ.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  I'm done.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  It was horrible. It was horrible.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  I'm ill, I'm ill.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  I went with my friend, Jimmy.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Jimmy McGee?

• 16:42Speaker 01

  Jimmy McGee, comedian.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  Is he Scottish? He's got any Scottish in him?

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Yes, originally. Yeah. Um, so we went and played Belfry, which was amazing. And, um, he, a couple of things. He reminded us of the worst gig I ever had in my life that I don't think I've ever told you about. I don't know if I've told you about this. So I finished, talking about Edinburgh, I finished me gig in the Edinburgh Fringe. I finished, I think I finished, I must have finished about half past nine at night. And I was like, right, should go for a curry. And Jimmy was like, yeah. So we went to a curry house.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  What time, what, what part of your career was this? Was this nine people in the audience or was this the pleasant?

• 17:19Speaker 01

  How dare you?

• 17:20Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, you've been there.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  I know, I never did nine, I'd never did nine people in the audience.

• 17:25Speaker 00

  How many was the least?

• 17:26Speaker 01

  How dare you? 10.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, sorry.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  10 minimum. Nine, that's a slap in the face. How fucking dare, are we counting staff?

• 17:36Speaker 00

  No.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I've done nine. Um, so no.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  Was it horrible?

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, tough.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, tough, tough.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  It's good though. Like, I think that teaches you a lot.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's character building. It is character building. Um, but yeah, so we went for a curry, right? And then we sat down, a couple of pints, starters, poppadoms, mains. Um, I finished a Madras. It must have been quarter to 11. And my phone rang and someone said, Chris? And I went, yeah. And I went, where are you? And I went, what? And they went, you're hosting, you're hosting Late and Live. And I went, tonight? I thought it was tomorrow. I went, no, it's tonight. I went, oh God. And I just put some money on the table and I stood up. And full of chicken Madras, beer, onion baji, poppadom, with a bag on, I.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Not a bag.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Full, you know, I hate bags. I full sprinted, full sprinted across Edinburgh to the Gilded Balloon, uh, which is about a five minute sprint, 10 minute walk. And I ran on stage and did Late and Live. And it was the worst gig of my life. It was the worst gig I've ever, ever done. I thought I was going to be sick for the entire way. I was sweating, I was burping. It was disgusting.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  So, and were you not at the level where, like, cause I feel like if you did that now, you're kind of at the level where you could get away with it and you'd be like.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  I would tell them. So I would tell them now.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  Totally forgot about this.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  I would walk on stage, I would go, you've got no, I have just finished a curry a mile away. And the phone doesn't sound like it is. And I'll be like, get us a chair. I'm going to be sitting. I would make a thing of it and I would tell everyone about it.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  Were you signed then?

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I was with Avalon. I was signed, but I didn't have the chops to make. I just had to go on and just do me bit. I just had a routine. God, it was awful. It was awful.

• 19:19Speaker 00

  No, you've never ever told me that.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  I can't remember who the first act was. You know, as the compere, as the host, it's your job to warm them up. They were clear cold when that poor first act went on. So whoever that first act was, I'm really sorry. It was awful.

• 19:32Speaker 00

  Oh mate, we've all done it.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Imagine jumping on a treadmill after a curry for five minutes and then doing a show.

• 19:36Speaker 00

  Awful. I've had other experiences. My tits used to come out a lot.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's just, you know, giving everyone a bit more for their money, isn't it?

• 19:42Speaker 00

  That is true.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  There it is.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:46Speaker 01

  This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. TV License covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  One of my favourite programmes ever is back for a 16th series. Um, it's a real tearjerker. I know you're, you're not as big a fan as I am.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  You are. This is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my God, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  Long lost family.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  There it is.

• 20:15Speaker 00

  Um, Born Without a Trace, ITV, BAFTA award winning series.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Hosted by Davina McCall and Nikki Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it, it's 16th series in, but it's just so emotional. And it's just a fantastic programme.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  I don't know how they host it. It would kill me. I would need.

• 20:34Speaker 00

  That every episode.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. I go, how do you do this job?

• 20:37Speaker 00

  They hold it together really, really well. And it's just beautifully, it's so well done. Um, and it's, yeah, that's back for the 16th series if you fancy it.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Now, I tell you what else is back. Something I used to watch all the time and I'm buzzing that it's back this, uh, this summer. Animal Park. Marking 25 years of Ben Fogel and Kate Humble and the heart of BBC's longest running day, it's, it's BBC's longest running daytime favourite. It's so, I just, I, I like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Edinburgh nature things and your really in-depth things. But Animal Park, it's almost like just a little cosy little, I don't know, like a little cosy little zoo. It's like the day to day running of the place.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  It's just a really, a good show for all the family on iPlayer to watch whenever. And you just stick it on when the kids are in and it's just a nice.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you?

• 21:26Speaker 01

  It's huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  And Longley, it's a fab place.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  So do I.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  A TV License covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 21:51Speaker 02

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• 22:19Speaker 04

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• 22:51Speaker 01

  This is another thing as well. So in our accent, stuff's sometimes really, really funny in our accent. It's funnier in our accent. Some stuff in a posh accent is funnier than our accent. So I was playing, Jimmy's quite a posh boy. So we're talking about, guys, we're talking about Jimmy for, he's the guy who empties his WhatsApp, deletes all of his WhatsApp messages to clean all his inbox out and never has messages in his inbox, like a psychopath.

• 23:12Speaker 00

  He's just got a very different life to us.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  He's got time on his hands.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  He's got no kids.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  He's got time on his hands.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  No kids, bit of money.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  He tells me sometimes he wakes up, you were sitting in our house the other day, because he stayed at ours, he was having a cup of tea and a cup of coffee and the kids were running crazy. And I went, is this a bit mad for you? And he went, yeah, he went, I'm normally just sitting with my own thoughts in my chair and I'll just finish the papers. He went, I'll just have a pile of papers and I'll just finish them all.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Did he hate it? Did he hate it really?

• 23:32Speaker 01

  He looked on edge. He looked on edge while our children were just screaming and running around and just going mental. He, he, he didn't look comfortable. He didn't look comfortable. No, I'll go be honest with you.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Oh, I've had him a croissant.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  No, he had the croissant, yeah. He had the croissant, but yeah, he was just, it was, it was a little bit like how I would-

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Not the house to come to when you don't have kids.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  It's a little bit like how I would sit if I was in a cafe and I thought a fight was about to kick off. That's kind of how he was sitting. I don't want to alarm you, but the size of that spider in the corner.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Oh, holy shit.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  That is fucking gigantic.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  Is it dead?

• 24:11Speaker 01

  It just moved.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Oh, by the way, I seen a spider. I was watering the plants at the front of the house the other day and there's like, the front of the house is like Victorian, so there's like that old school like air vent thing. Oh God. This spider crawled into it, in and out of it a couple of times. Massive, just a little bit smaller, like probably the, you know, my palm bit of my hand, like that. And you know when you're like, you cheeky little shit.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  No, like that's my house and you're just like in and out and I'm gonna, I'm gonna see you later and be devastated.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  You never know. Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  Oh, my fate? No, it was bigger than that.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Really?

• 24:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was bigger. But I was, and it was just like in and out, like it was like, man, fuck it, fucking hell.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  I'm really sorry, I'm gonna have to put a pint glass over this spider.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  I think it's dead.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  If I'm watching this, my Hebbin, Hebbin pint glass from the sitcom I did when I was 12.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  This guy's big, like.

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Oh God.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  Oh my God. Nah, nah, nah. Ah!

• 25:17Speaker 01

  He's got a pint glass over there. You just, you just watch the show from over there, mate. Shall I get him and show everyone? I might as well, I don't. If you're watching on YouTube, you can have a look.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  We've been doing this for seven years now, so listen, this is where we're at. We're showing you this spider. Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  He had a big old boy, him like.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  No, go to that one then. Oh, hello.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Any Australians watching, obviously that's not big, it's tiny. Apologies.

• 25:54Speaker 00

  Don't, please, please put it somewhere else.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, I put it the wrong way. Hello. Right here.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  All right.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  If you hear some screaming, by the way, everyone, it's, it's bench pressed the glass off and came forward. So I was playing, like I say, I was, I was playing golf with Jimmy. There was one hole where-

• 26:16Speaker 00

  Oh God, by the way, sorry everybody.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  No, I'm not talking about golf.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Good, because it's horrible.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Great.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  And you're gonna lose, listeners, if you keep talking about fucking golf.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  If you let us get to it, it's not-

• 26:28Speaker 00

  Nobody likes golf, other than sad lonely men.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  It's not offensive.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  I don't care. I'm sorry.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  This is worse, can you remember that time when you said that, I played it to nine people? This is worse than that. There was this-

• 26:41Speaker 00

  Ick, by the way. When you and Jimmy got in from golf and you went, she was so awkward with clubs. Oh God.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  Two handsome men in my house.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  What am I handsome?

• 26:54Speaker 00

  You're handsome.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Do you not think you're handsome?

• 26:56Speaker 01

  Say whatever you want now.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Sorry, do you think I'd marry a minger?

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Great.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, just ick, ick of the century. Go on.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  Well, you have to clean your clubs afterwards because we're going on the golf simulator and it'll dirty the screen.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  Awful. She went, so awkward with clubs.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Mast, the correct name is mast your clubs. She masked them. So there was this one hole, there was a power lines over the top of it and there were literally, I've never been that close to power lines, there was loads of massive pylons and they were, and this, like I said 20 minutes ago when I started this story, there's some things that are funnier in a posh accent that are not. And I went, God, I went, should I be able to hear them? I went, that's horrible, that. And he went, yes. It's quite disconcerting, isn't it? And he paused for a second and he went, this is how, this is how episodes of Casualty used to start.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  You're so fucking right.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Oh, do you know what I just remembered?

• 27:49Speaker 01

  Two blokes in a field, put the metal stick in the air, wah!

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is, that's an episode. Do you know what you word used twice, which I haven't heard for? Donkeys. Traite.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Traite?

• 28:01Speaker 00

  Traite?

• 28:02Speaker 01

  God, I'm sorry.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  I thought, oh, I'm bringing that back.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Do you think, do you think we should tell the estate agent that he slept over and see if it's put the pop in your pants off?

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Might have. Traite? And I can't remember what context to use it in, but it was, it was the right one. Yeah. And I thought, oh, I'm bringing trite back.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Was it not these pants were a bit trite?

• 28:17Speaker 00

  No, it was definitely like, trite.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  It's time for what's your beep?

• 28:24Speaker 00

  What's your beep? What's your beep?

• 28:25Speaker 01

  Beef, beef, beef. Okay, so I've been away, I've been a delight. You couldn't possibly have any kind of beef with me.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I know what your beef's gonna be this week.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Yes, you do.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  And I'm gonna be quiet and I haven't got one this week and I'm gonna take it, I'm gonna take it like a huah.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  And I'm just, because you're right, because you're right.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Right. This is good. Right, stop.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  You're right, you're right.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Listen, everyone, we did a tour, podcast tour. The second one we did, we had a big wall, I'm talking 80 feet of lamps, fake wooden fronted lamps and lampshades either side of the screen. We had all kinds of different stuff. We had a big, a big, the Blob costume that you were in.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  Cost, cost four grand.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, again, a business expense, part of the tour comes off the back end.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Get my bank.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  So then we didn't. Since the tour ended two years ago, Rosie has been in a constant battle with the people who are storing it. So they stored all of that stuff. The people who work for our management have said, look, this stuff's still in storage, what are we gonna do with it? I said, get rid of it.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  It was costing £60 a month, which was upsetting.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  I said, get rid of it. Rosie said, no, keep it in storage. No, get rid of it. Honestly, Rosie, pointless, get rid of it. Waited ages, what do you just want to do again? Get rid of it. No, keep it, like, get rid. Rosie gives in finally, no, get it sent up to us. I said, don't get it sent up to us. Please don't get it sent up to us. Just get rid of it. She said, no, get it sent up to us. Gets it sorted without me knowing, right? I'm not even on the email chain. Gets booked to come up to us. You go out for the day. That was the best bit. That was the best bit. Chris, there's a delivery coming. I'm thinking ASOS or some shit as usual. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. You know the Warburtons lorries you see on the motorways, guys? Fucking bigger than that. Bigger than

• 30:21Speaker 01

  that. Pulls up outside. I'm telling you, pulls up outside. This absolutely cool as fuck, South African or Australian couldn't really tell by his accent. Surfer-y looking guy. Brilliant.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  Racist and a dick.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  So fucking sound. He jumped out and I went, I went, you all right, mate? He was like, well, it's lovely, dad, the sun is shining. I said, of course I'm all right. I was like, nice one. This guy is so positive. This guy's great. He opened the back lorry, he went, don't worry, there's not much. Opened the back of the lorry. I'm telling you now, right? Eight, the best way to describe this, eight family-sized wheelie bins on wheels. Big wooden crates the size of them. Big, if you've got a family of six and you get the big fat wheelie bin.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Like the Biffaz?

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Aye, eight of them, right? Maybe 10. I can't remember. It was a blur. At the back of his thing, he goes, that's not that much, it's just this. Half his fucking lorry full. I went, you're joking. I went, all of them? He went, yeah, yeah. I'll give you a hand though. I went, okay. Open the gate. Gravel drive, by the way. So me and this guy are basically lifting and pulling them along the drive. I open the garage and we're putting them in the garage and we, halfway through, we've half filled that garage. That garage is fucked, right? And I went, I was, I'm getting more and more angry.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  So it's not all there?

• 31:36Speaker 01

  No, it's all there, but it was half filled halfway. Come on, maths. Half filled halfway. So the rest of it will fill the rest. And we're putting them in and he's like, what is all this anyway? I went, and I'm like, he was the most positive man and by the end I warmed down, right?

• 31:49Speaker 00

  I'm glad I wasn't there to see that.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, he went, what is all this? No, it was fine. I gave him money at the end. I gave him a tip, he was buzzing. He gave us a hug. But I think it's just because he saw how upset I was.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  He genuinely gives a hug.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  He gave you a hug?

• 32:01Speaker 01

  He gives a hug at the end, yeah, yeah. Because I gave him like, I gave him a few quid, like, I was like, get yourself a drink, like, thank you. He's like, oh mate, he gives us a hug. But it was mainly because you could see how upset I was because I kept going, and he got more down off his lorry and I went, and he said, it's all right, mate, come on. And he went, so what is all this? I went, oh, it's for a shore, for like an arena shore. He went, oh, great. When's the shore? I went, two years ago. He went, fucking what?

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, two years ago. He went, "Well, what?" I went, "This is all, it's all gonna go in here." I went, "And in six months' time, I'm gonna have to take it all to the tip." I went, "That's what it is." I went, "We're not gonna fit, we've moved loads of stuff from the garage, we've pushed it to the back." Do you know how many fucking light bulbs are in there?

• 32:42Speaker 00

  I know.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  There's a box of about eighty light bulbs. And we put them on, we got them right to the front. By the end, he was just as sad as me, until I gave him that money, then he gave us a hug. And I text you a photo of the packed garage, and what did you reply?

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Oh. Admit you're wrong.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  I haven't said anything.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  Good.

• 33:02Speaker 00

  I, yeah, totally wrong. I forgot how big an arena. In my defence, please may I have a little bit of a defence?

• 33:12Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:12Speaker 00

  Please, your honour, who is your honour?

• 33:14Speaker 01

  I.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Your honour, please may I stake my case? Please, bring the spider up, I'll say it to him.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  I was just about to say, do you want to make us feel better?

• 33:21Speaker 00

  No, I'm not eating a spider, no.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  Why did you go to eating it?

• 33:24Speaker 00

  What are you talking about?

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Can I just throw that?

• 33:25Speaker 00

  I'm not shagging a spider.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  You have to shag the spider out after filming. Can I throw the spider at you?

• 33:34Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  That'd be, I'd forgive you.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  No, I would die, I would die, I would die, I would die. Please don't throw the spider at us.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  In my defence, when we did that arena tour, Rafe was six months old. Genuinely, I was postpartum.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  That was the first one.

• 33:50Speaker 00

  He was a year old. Still, you're still fucked after, you tried to tell me, you're not fucked. Takes five years for you to get back to any sort of normality as a woman after children, right? I was fucked. Bluh, buh, bluh. Well done everyone who came, if you enjoyed it, like, I don't fucking know how, because I was a mess, right? And I forgot how big the arenas were, and I genuinely thought, I thought-

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Clues in the name.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  I was like-

• 34:13Speaker 01

  Clues in the name.

• 34:14Speaker 00

  No, honestly, Chris, please forgive us, I thought, "There'll be about ten, like, there'll be about ten." I know, there's like loads, anyway-

• 34:20Speaker 01

  And there are lamps so bigger than any-

• 34:22Speaker 00

  Alright, and I'm gonna do something about it, you don't have to do anything about it, I'm gonna sort it. I'm gonna charity them off, but you know, for raffles and shit like that, I'm gonna give away the lamp bulbs. I'm gonna give them away, and we'll sign them, the lamps, like, the lampshades.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  Oh, the lampshades, like, not the light bulbs.

• 34:35Speaker 00

  And we're gonna sign them. And we'll sign all the lamp, the light bulbs.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  Lot number fifteen on the raffle, it's eighty.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Eighty LED light bulbs.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  And, do you want a hug?

• 34:46Speaker 01

  No.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  Do you want a sorry hug?

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Are you gonna apologise? Oh, a sorry hug, oh, okay, come on then. Give us a cuddle.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  Say it. Say sorry.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 35:00Speaker 00

  You're right, it's a fucking mess. It's ridiculous, I'll hate myself. Yeah, so.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  Well, it's couldn't, it couldn't have gone better.

• 35:09Speaker 00

  It is ridiculous, I'm sorry, it's, you are right, you are totally right.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  I'm just, I'm such a cheapskate. I'm such a cheapskate.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  It was, it was when he asked when the show was, and I said, it was two years ago.

• 35:21Speaker 00

  But in my head, I was like, "Well, I bought them lamps, they're mine." I mean, it killed us, because I don't know what's happened with the backdrop.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Oh, the curtain.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  Don't sit me, do not sit me in a meeting going, "Oh, right, okay, so this backdrop costs twenty-five grand, this is gonna cost this." Because in my head, I go, "It's a lot of money." I don't know.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  But it's part, alright, how many times have you said to me, "Lady Gaga didn't make any money on her tours?" Because you didn't, because you put on such a show, she spent everything that she earned on the tours. We didn't do that.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  She would have took her lamps back.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 35:52Speaker 00

  She fucking would have.

• 35:53Speaker 01

  Fucking wouldn't have.

• 35:54Speaker 00

  Well, more fool her, more fool her. Anyway, it's fine, it's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  I'm not getting, I'm not getting anything out of the garage, I'm not going in to repressurise the boilers, I'm not moving any of that, I won't touch it. That's your, that is your bed, you fucking lie in it. Okay?

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:15Speaker 00

  Honestly, what about a car boot sale?

• 36:18Speaker 01

  A car boot sale that exclusively just sells-

• 36:20Speaker 00

  Lampshades.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Fucking massive lampshades.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  And actually, I don't even know if they're in good condition.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  No, they're not, they're fucked.

• 36:24Speaker 00

  Are they?

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, they've been all piled on dock, which are there in boxes, they're completely fucked. He might as well have delivered rubbish to our house. Actual rubbish.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  It's unbelievable.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  It was, by the way, it was fucking boiling when me and him were taking them in.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  Where did I go?

• 36:43Speaker 01

  You went out with your mates on the piss.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I knew they were coming.

• 36:47Speaker 01

  Me and him, me and this guy was sweating.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  I didn't think there'd be that much. I'm sorry, I know I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Gravel drive, it's a gravel drive.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  I thought, well, yeah, look, oh, ah. Right, well, look, you know, here, I've been put some of the lamp, the shade things, the things.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  In this room?

• 37:06Speaker 00

  I've put some up in here, and they're off in here, yes. I'll decorate the full thing.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Hang them from the, right, it's fine.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Look at the, look at the wide shot, it's already busy, you cannae put a load of fucking lampshades in here.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  It'll be nice, the stripes and stuff, yeah, I'll put them up.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  No, I'm in.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Behind you, we'll put some on that sloopy. Right, there we go, there's a couple of things, there's, there's three inches of the box.

• 37:27Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  Stop talking, I'm gonna get angry.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Oh, don't, no, I'm sorry, it's fine, it's just funny, it's just a funny little thing, her and life mental.

• 37:36Speaker 01

  Imagine I use that comeback. "Chris, you're always a bloody golf, you do this, hey, it's just a little quirky, little funny thing, isn't it, hey, hey?" That's basically, that's the only-

• 37:44Speaker 00

  It's not taking this away from me family.

• 37:45Speaker 01

  Ah, there's not, we just, we don't have a garage now.

• 37:49Speaker 00

  Oh, boo, fucking who, check your privilege, most people don't have garages.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  Isn't someone's bath at the back of our garage? When they want that.

• 37:55Speaker 00

  Me, I've got a bath.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  When they, when, when's he gonna come?

• 37:57Speaker 00

  He's gonna have to climb over the lamps.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Alright, Kev, you're gonna need a bath after you've sweated your tits off, moving all these fucking lamps to get you a bath.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  The action's on the court, and as the official beer sponsor of the NBA, Michelob Ultra is getting fans closer to the game with a chance to win courtside seats, merch, and more. Visit michelobultra.com/courtside to enter. Michelob Ultra Courtside, twenty-six to twenty-seven, no purchase necessary, open to US residents twenty-one plus. Begins on October first, twenty twenty-six, and ends on June thirty of twenty twenty-seven. Multiple entry periods, see official rules at michelobultra.com/courtside for free entry, entry deadlines, prizes, and details.

• 38:40Speaker 04

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon Fall Drop, because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's Fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 39:13Speaker 00

  Questions from the public.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is [email protected]. That's if you want to send a long-form email or a story or anything like that, that would be absolutely lovely. And if you want me to hear your voice, and if you're happy for your voice to be played on the podcast, send a voice note via WhatsApp to zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five zero. Thank you in advance, you're legends.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  Hello, Ramses.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 39:39Speaker 00

  Longtime listener, first time emailed.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Thank you for that, we'll love that, you know, just send it, it's fine. The worst thing that can happen is we're not, not read it out, we're not gonna be like, just, I imagine it's quite, like, nerve-wracking sending something in. It's putting yourself out there and sending something in, and then you think, "Oh, they haven't read it out." But we'll get fucking loads of these things, sometimes they don't get read out.

• 39:59Speaker 00

  We're going back, we're going backwards, though.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  But I know what it, we are going backwards, don't even get us started. And I know what it's like, even when I just put anything on Instagram, I still get mad anxiety about putting stuff on Instagram and people being like, "This is fucking shit." But they don't, if people, they're just not looking at it, you know what I mean?

• 40:14Speaker 00

  Oh, I know, I'm, I'm starting now to not care, and just put stuff out and, and whatever, whatever.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  I'm gonna start putting golf stuff out, because I want some free golf stuff.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  Alright, okay, what you after?

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Everything.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  Right, like what?

• 40:25Speaker 01

  Clubs, clothes.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  You've got enough.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Balls, I want more, I want it all free. I know people who get like, they get sent stuff, they get sent stuff for free, yeah. Vruga Salt?

• 40:34Speaker 00

  What's her name? Veronica? Vruga?

• 40:38Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 40:39Speaker 00

  The spoiled girl off Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

• 40:42Speaker 01

  Oh. I don't know, just golf, it's all sponsorship, everything runs on sponsorship and golf, you just, you know. Basically, Jimmy McGee, who I've been playing golf with, says that he knows people who run little golf podcasts and stuff, and they just get fucking ping sponsors and sends them loads of clubs and that, and I'm like, "I'll have a bit of that."

• 40:57Speaker 00

  Just buy it yourself?

• 40:58Speaker 01

  Nah, refuse, refuse.

• 41:01Speaker 00

  I'll sell all them lamps. That'll be me apology, I'm gonna get rid of all them lamps, oh no, I've given it to charity, could you be charity?

• 41:14Speaker 01

  Oh fuck it, no, come on then, right.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  No, just buy stuff.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  I will, I will.

• 41:18Speaker 00

  You've got enough money.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  But I want, it's the kudos of getting centred for nothing is the cool bit, do you understand? You don't, you're not into golf, you don't get it. They've got, they've got loads to give away, come on.

• 41:30Speaker 00

  All right, yeah. Listen.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  Listening to the story of the guy who came home drunk and ate a full Christmas pudding.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  Ledge.

• 41:37Speaker 00

  Good love him. Thought I'd write in to tell you of my dad's late night feast.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Oh, lovely late night feast.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  One night he came home drunk and fried himself some onion.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 41:47Speaker 00

  I mean, I love onion as much as the next person.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  Who's frying onion when they get in from a night out?

• 41:52Speaker 00

  It's a bit intense, isn't it?

• 41:53Speaker 01

  I told the story years ago, didn't I, of my two mates who stayed at, they went back to one of their mum and dad's houses. And the, in the middle of the night, they made bacon sarnies.

• 42:03Speaker 00

  Right.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  And they were like, I'm sure I've told you this.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  It was Michael and Stevie years ago.

• 42:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  And they went back and they made bacon sarnies and they were like, what, thick as hell, this bake? It was the gammon for the Sunday dinner the next day. They had gammon. They fried gammon sandwiches at like one in the morning at his mum's house.

• 42:19Speaker 00

  I mean, delicious.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  How pissed do you have to be to be eating a gammon, two bits of white bread and a fucking bit of gammon and going, thick this bake and like.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  What was your go-to piss food? So my, can I tell you mine?

• 42:36Speaker 01

  Always pizzas or chips for me.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Well, but you haven't been able to go to the takeaway.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  Oh, god, yeah. Well, just whatever's in.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  Mine was a tin of sweet corn.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  Oh, that's tragic.

• 42:48Speaker 00

  Just a tin of sweet corn.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  Toast, toast for me.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  Toast was pretty good.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  I stayed at my mate's house once, um, bread, anything bread-based.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  I stayed at my mate's house once and he was making with sausage sarnies.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Right, nice.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  Um, he was in Leeds, he was a student in Leeds, went back to his and he was making with sausage sandwiches. And while the sausages were cooking.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  I ate a full loaf of bread and butter.

• 43:08Speaker 00

  Dozens of prizes at home.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Full loaf. So he took four slices out, two for him, two for me. And while I was waiting, I buttered and ate the rest of the loaf of bread.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  You're a maniac and you won't have put on a pound either.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:19Speaker 00

  I'd have gone up a dress size if I'd have ate a loaf of bread.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Full, he was like, he was furious the next day.

• 43:26Speaker 00

  I mean, of course.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:27Speaker 00

  You didn't give a shit, did you?

• 43:29Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  So did he give him any money for it?

• 43:31Speaker 01

  I think one half was on it and I didn't eat it all.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  No, I used to, I used to get the, the, down the street in Shields, there was a, I think it might still be there, Burger King, but it wasn't Burger King.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  I understand. No, it was called something like King of Burgers.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Something like that, but it wasn't, yeah.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Takeaway king.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  No, I'm sure it was called mist, it was called like.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  On the hill.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  Burger.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  On the left.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  King.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  It was Fowler Street on the left. I know what you mean, yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, anyway.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  It had a crown as the, yeah.

• 43:56Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  But it wasn't Burger King, it was.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  It's not there anymore, is it?

• 43:58Speaker 01

  No, it was King of Burgers or something really clever.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  That was my go-to place. I used to get a beef burger with raw onion.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Slices.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  God.

• 44:07Speaker 00

  And tomato ketchup.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  Hadn't pulled then, had you?

• 44:09Speaker 00

  No, no, there was never on a pulled night. I wouldn't, I wouldn't get food if I was having a shag, no thank you.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  Of course not.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  I'm not doing that.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  Two cents. Wait in the bedroom, I've just eaten this burger.

• 44:20Speaker 00

  It was, no, it was a walk home burger.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  It was a walk home piss in the park burger, are you joking me? So that was my go-to, but also what I forgot is when I would get home, sometimes soup and noodles, that was a good one.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Nice, nice, nice.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  That was a good one, quick. Right, listen. One night, this bloke, this dad, he came home drunk, he fried himself some onion, awful. Nothing else, just onion.

• 44:41Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  However, in the morning, when my mother discovered the used pan, she asked him what he made and he replied, I just, eh, I just fried up the onion we had. I just fried up the onion that we had.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  That he found. It was a perplexed face on my mother, which gave the first clue something wasn't right. We don't have any onions, she replied.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  God.

• 45:03Speaker 00

  Eh, he says, yeah, we do, they were in a bag under the sink. And that's when the realisation hit.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  What's he fried?

• 45:10Speaker 00

  She replied, they weren't onions, they were, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Have I got to guess?

• 45:15Speaker 00

  You can guess if you want. I don't think you're gonna get it.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Were they a food?

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Eh, no.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Oh, god. What's he done?

• 45:26Speaker 00

  Do you want to, I don't think you're gonna get it, shall I tell you?

• 45:29Speaker 01

  I'm scared, yeah.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Don't be scared, it's not that bad.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:32Speaker 00

  Um, they were daffodil bulbs, bulbs.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  He'd cut up and fried a bag full of daffodil bulbs.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  That's fucking wonderful.

• 45:43Speaker 00

  It's disgusting.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  Serves you right. It serves you right for wanting fried onion after your night out, as if you don't fucking stink enough.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  But that's disgusting.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  That's so horrible. Would he not die?

• 45:54Speaker 00

  I don't know, no, probably not.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  They make you ill, they make you ill.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  Probably. Um, it gets worse. And that's not the only terrible food story about my dad. My mother, this really upset us and I don't know, it's not even that bad, but it's just like.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Some things can get you, we know this.

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Stupid. My mother went out and left him instructions on how to make tea. One part was mashed potatoes. This is what my dad would have done.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  And she'd left on the instructions, boiled potatoes already in the pan, mash.

• 46:22Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:22Speaker 00

  However, she left out one important part. My brother, 30 years later, still talks of the PST, PTSD he has from being served a plate of what can only be described as a mashed potato soup.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Just found out what he's done.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  He didn't drain the water.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  So he's boiled them in the water and then he's mashed them in the water.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  He didn't drain the water as it wasn't on the instructions.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  That's foul, that's foul.

• 46:48Speaker 00

  So he just mashed the full lot and served it. Eh, safe to say, he's never cooked us a meal since. Why is that so upsetting? What a waste of potatoes.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  That's so upsetting.

• 46:58Speaker 00

  It's horrible, isn't it?

• 46:58Speaker 01

  I can't even begin to think about the texture. It must have been like, it must be like paint.

• 47:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  But you can't mash all the lumps out, that's impossible.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  No, it would have been like a water, watery wallpaper.

• 47:10Speaker 01

  Watery porridge.

• 47:11Speaker 00

  Horrible.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  Oh, it's making us feel a bit sick.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  I know, isn't it, we decide.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  I think that might get people, you know, you can remember the, the fishbowl thing that I did years ago, that when someone spat in the fishbowl, that, this will get people.

• 47:21Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  I can taste that, I can feel that, I can feel that going, that lumps and water going down my throat, that's upsetting.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  I love mashed potato. What's your favourite kind of potato?

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Eh, oh.

• 47:31Speaker 00

  I know we've done this, but.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  I'm gonna sound like such a posh twat.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  What?

• 47:34Speaker 01

  You know what my favourite kind of potato is?

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Stouffer moi?

• 47:36Speaker 01

  Hasselback.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Hasselback, that's not posh.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Is it not posh?

• 47:40Speaker 00

  What, you're fucking just cutting it on a spoon?

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, so, Jesus, all right, I was frightened.

• 47:44Speaker 00

  It takes a bit of time.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, well.

• 47:46Speaker 00

  Probably decadent, but it's not posh.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  I like a Hasselback potato and I like a roast potato.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  I'm doing them for tea.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  Roast potatoes?

• 47:51Speaker 00

  You're welcome.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Not done with fancy Hasselbacks?

• 47:54Speaker 00

  No, I haven't bought new potatoes.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Great.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  Eh, mine's jacket.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Tune in next week for more absolute shite.

• 48:02Speaker 00

  What's your favourite dairy? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Just really quickly, men, you cannot win, you just can't win.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  Right, what is this?

• 48:09Speaker 00

  I think we hate you, right?

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, you still, yeah, yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  But we're still procreating and still whatever, doing stupid stuff, I mean, but I think deep down, we'll find you repulsive. So, um, this is from a lady.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Thank you for admitting it.

• 48:22Speaker 00

  We took our kids to an RNLI fundraiser at the day.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  RNLI, Royal, the lifeboat thing?

• 48:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Where we got to, to the lifeboats, I overheard a guy ask one of the lifeboat volunteers, permission to come aboard?

• 48:38Speaker 00

  Ick.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  We hate yous.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  We hate yous.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  I love it. Permission to come aboard on a doo.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, love that. What a guy. What a guy. I'd say someone like that, that's great.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  Oh, there's another one here. We hate, we do hate yous, right? You can't, you cannot win.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  Great.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  Okay. Hey Rosie and Chris, long time. Listen, a first time emailer. Um, quick ick for you here. My friend has been seeing a guy for a few months and she was trying to arrange a dinner date as they tend to just head out for drinks instead. The lad said he couldn't afford it because his car was in for an MOT. Ick.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  Why is that? That's, that's one of the har-. No, that's one of the hardest ones.

• 49:31Speaker 00

  That's horrible, isn't it?

• 49:32Speaker 01

  That's so harsh.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  Poor guy, he's paying for his MOT, so he's a bit, getting a bit strapped by cash and you'd think it's an ick.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  Ick. How dare you? How far, I'm not, I'm laughing and like, the only reason I laugh is because it's so fucking brutal, so brutal.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  I know.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  Ah, yes, you cannot win.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  Can't use, can't.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  Just the worst, really, man.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Poor guy.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Um, this one, I fear, I fear you may relate to this with me.

• 49:58Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  Okay, because I fear that I would do this. Hi Chris and Rosie. Um, this, this sort of ick is about my husband's bedtime routine.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 50:10Speaker 00

  He likes to lie in bed watching Netflix on his phone and his earphones in while he goes to sleep. So he's little, there must be Bluetooth ones. Fine, whatever, marriage.

• 50:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  Great. Last night, however, he decided he was feeling a little bit frisky. So Netflix was apparently put on hold and we did the deed. Afterwards, he gets up, switches the lights on and that's when I notice he still had one.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Headphone in the entire time.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Oh.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  Just one?

• 50:43Speaker 01

  One headphone in the entire time.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  Sitting in his ear like he was working a shift on the taxis and waiting for the next job to come through. Um, honestly, my vagina packed a bag.

• 50:53Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  Crawled back inside my body and I felt fraud as well.

• 50:55Speaker 01

  I love that. I bet, I bet you should, I bet you should bollock them. Have you had that AirPod in the whole time? What if he accidentally rang someone?

• 51:02Speaker 00

  What was he listening to? Was it still playing?

• 51:04Speaker 01

  He might have had the phone on the side.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  He might have. But how do you not know it's still in? You would be aware.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  No, sometimes I don't realise mine are still in.

• 51:11Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Sometimes I don't, as I say, I went, I went to the toilet on the train once.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  And I looked in the mirror and I went, oh fucking hell, my AirPods are still in. I didn't realise.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  I've stopped using them. I've gone old school.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Think you're clever. It's because they just sit on the outside of your ear, but that's funny. That's so, imagine he had his socks on as well.

• 51:27Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  Socks, some kind of tool belt.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  Instant divorce.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  And one AirPod and a hat.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  A hat?

• 51:34Speaker 01

  But you can leave your.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  I once had a sex with a guy who left his hat on.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Really?

• 51:38Speaker 00

  Awful.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  What kind of hat?

• 51:39Speaker 00

  Like a woolly hat?

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Like a smurf?

• 51:50Speaker 00

  It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Papa Smurf.

• 51:59Speaker 00

  Bad times.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  Oh, that's hilarious.

• 52:03Speaker 05

  Hi Chris and Rosie, you all right? Uh, just watched your latest podcast on YouTube.

• 52:10Speaker 01

  Watched?

• 52:11Speaker 00

  Is this, is this Barry Beane?

• 52:13Speaker 01

  It's a character.

• 52:16Speaker 00

  I love him. Alright, I'm here. Probably lives, probably lives over the road.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  I live round the corner.

• 52:23Speaker 05

  And with Chris talking about farting reminded me of something that happened the other day when the temperatures were ridiculously high. I was on the bus coming home from Whitley Bay to Blythe and

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Makes sense now.

• 52:39Speaker 05

  The heat was on the bus for some reason. Uh, none of the windows were open. Eventually got to my stop, I was so happy. But as I was getting off, I could feel something rumbling. And uh, as I was walking down the aisle to get to the, get off the bus, I farted twice. Now, my farts are horrible.

• 53:04Speaker 05

  So I got off the bus, the doors closed, the bus went away with my fart still inside of it. And was I bothered? Was I farted?

• 53:23Speaker 01

  He got me.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  Yes. Nice.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  He, that was

• 53:27Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  That was up there where people used to tiger trap where.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  Oh, do you think, but do you think you farted on the bus?

• 53:32Speaker 01

  I don't know whether you farted on the bus, but I did, that was, that was just a good, enjoyable little story.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Beautiful.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Was I farted?

• 53:39Speaker 00

  Was I farted?

• 53:39Speaker 01

  Well done. Well done, mate.

• 53:42Speaker 00

  Right, well do, what do you want? Do you want sex vape? Accent ick or fly zap ick?

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Sex vape immediately. Are you kidding me?

• 53:50Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 53:51Speaker 01

  You're serious?

• 53:52Speaker 06

  Hey, I hope you're both well. We just listened to this week's episode of the podcast and started getting flashbacks to potentially the biggest dick I've ever had in my life. So this all happened after a date with my ex-boyfriend. We'd gone to an Italian restaurant. It was lovely, so romantic. I'm talking candles, I'm talking wines flowing, carbonara's flowing. We've had a great time. We carry on this lovely little Italian romantic mood back to his house, back to his bedroom, you know? Key information about this bedroom, this bedroom is dark. This is, he's got a typical man bedroom. I'm talking navy bed sheets. It's also night time, so it's dark outside, plus closing the curtains and the door. This room is pitch black. This is key information, very key information. You'll see why in a second.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:36Speaker 06

  Anyway, we're doing the little one-two, we're doing the date. I am facing the wall. He is behind me. This again is very key information. He's behind me. I can't see what he's doing, it's very dark. That's fine, I don't need to see what's going on at the end of the day, however, what I didn't need to see in the middle of sex, where, you know, I'm putting in a top performance, I'm give, I'm giving it a good go as it happens. I see on the wall in front of me, in the pitch black, this little blue light appears on the wall, this little blue light. Accompanying the blue light is a sound that I will do an impression of in hopes that you understand what he was doing.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 55:25Speaker 06

  Then followed by a cloud of smoke.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 55:29Speaker 06

  In the middle of sex, this man has picked up his fruity little vape and has started vaping. In the middle.

• 55:36Speaker 00

  Absolutely not.

• 55:37Speaker 06

  In the middle of sex. I honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know if I was here or there. So I did naturally what I think anyone else would do in that situation, which is stop the action, throw a strop until he got me a McFlurry. I didn't see any other way out of that situation. Let me know, what would you do if you found yourself in that situation where, middle of sex, you just

• 56:01Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 56:01Speaker 06

  hits his vape, hits his fruity little vape, his little black orange flavoured vape. Anyway, I'm not with him anymore. I'm sure you can figure out why.

• 56:09Speaker 01

  Good.

• 56:10Speaker 06

  Bye, love you.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  That was a lot, wasn't it?

• 56:14Speaker 01

  First of all, um, the first guy who did the voice note and her, I'd love to put them in a room together.

• 56:19Speaker 00

  World apart.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  I would just love to put them in a room together. That is, that is, uh, it, that, right, I'm telling you right now, any TV producer that's listening, him and her in a camper van touring America. That's the show we're, that's the show we're gonna make.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  No, do the one on Channel 4 though, when they cover them together.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Alright, yeah, there we go, we'll cover them together.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  Anyway, we're, we're in a vaping epidemic.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  It's disgusting, that, like.

• 56:41Speaker 00

  Like, put your, how long are you having sex for?

• 56:44Speaker 01

  It lit up the fucking room. It lit up the room.

• 56:46Speaker 00

  The navy bed sheet was upsetting. That's the dark, the dark, the dark boy bedroom.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, got a short

• 56:51Speaker 00

  If our kids, I don't think I can go with that, like, do you know what I mean? If Robin's like, "I want a dark bedroom", I'd be like, "No, it's not happening, because you're gonna put girls off, or boys, I don't know." Do the gays like dark bedrooms, maybe? Who knows?

• 57:06Speaker 01

  But that, so she sees the reflection of the light on the wall and then she hears the and then

• 57:13Speaker 00

  But they were together. See, I didn't know whether it was a one-night-stand, because I feel like a one-night-stand, that would be horrific. But they're a couple, they're comfortable, and he's just thought, "I'm gonna vape." Wait till af, isn't cigarettes after sex?

• 57:25Speaker 01

  It's apparently, there's nothing better in the world than a cigarette after sex. Wouldn't know, because I've never smoked, but

• 57:30Speaker 00

  I've done it before.

• 57:31Speaker 01

  But, well, there we go.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  Never done it in a bed, though. Never done it straight. I've done it on like a, a, a front doorstep.

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Classy.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  It was alright, it was quite nice.

• 57:40Speaker 01

  Classy. Um, hat on or off?

• 57:44Speaker 01

  Don't smoke, you'll set me hat on fire.

• 57:48Speaker 00

  Oh, bad times. The 2000s were brutal for me.

• 57:52Speaker 01

  I just love, I just love being remembered how I rescued you from a life of shit. You're welcome.

• 58:00Speaker 00

  You did actually, because I think, yeah.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  And what have you done to thank us? You filled me garage with fucking crap.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've also saved you. You, you are just a better, you don't talk about your one-night-stands on here, but I know there's been plenty. You're just, you're just better at keeping it secret than me.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  You'd be surprised.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 58:19Speaker 01

  I've had loads of one-night-stands, not loads.

• 58:22Speaker 00

  You fucking did.

• 58:23Speaker 01

  Alright then. No, I never left me hat on though, so.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  You left your socks on with me one time, do you remember?

• 58:30Speaker 01

  Did I?

• 58:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, you did. Awful.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 58:33Speaker 00

  I know, it was very early days.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  Really?

• 58:35Speaker 00

  I don't think I've ever said that, honestly.

• 58:38Speaker 01

  I'm so sorry.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, where's me cuddle?

• 58:40Speaker 01

  I haven't even got it on now.

• 58:41Speaker 00

  Oh, you see? Good, glad.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  I don't like socks. I had to take them off to do the podcast.

• 58:47Speaker 00

  It was winter in your, it was November.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 58:54Speaker 00

  As always, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marry the Night.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  Do you know what? It's been an absolute pleasure talking to you, Rosemary, and to you, the listener, this week. Thank you so, so much. If you want to get in touch at shagmarrythe night at gmail dot com to send a long form email or to send a voice note.

• 59:10Speaker 00

  We're loving the voice notes, by the way.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you see now I slow this down as I get me phone out to check the number, because I still don't know the number, because I think you'd say it wrong and it'll be terrifying. Voice note 07874406650, email shagmarrythe night at gmail dot com. ChrisRamseyComedy dot com to get tickets for my tour, which starts again next month all over the UK. Derby, Liverpool, Hull, Hull, pull your fucking finger out Hull, you were whinging that I wasn't there last time and now you haven't even filled the place. I'll get yours, I'll get yours all. And that's it from me.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  All.

• 59:39Speaker 01

  All. Love all.

• 59:41Speaker 00

  Love all.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 59:47Speaker 03

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