Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Three

On this week's Please Keep Me Anonymous Best Ofs, we're revisiting Chris and Rosie's chats with Joel Dommett, Tom Davis, Stevie Martin and Maisie Adam! With stories about how Tom got his Nando's Black Card, Joel's dealings with Paul McKenna, Stevie's queer icon status and Maisie's crush on Zayn Malik, plus hilarious stories sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:51Speaker 01

  So we first met, me and you.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've known you for a long time. I've known you as long as pretty much I've been doing stuff. Do you know a mad thing about you? One of my first ever dates with my wife was going to watch you do stand-up.

• 1:02Speaker 03

  Stop it!

• 1:03Speaker 02

  I text you, and she was a really big fan of Chris Ramsey. And I text you, and you gave me two tickets. I took her to watch you do a tour show.

• 1:11Speaker 03

  Oh my god!

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a mad thing.

• 1:13Speaker 03

  When was that?

• 1:14Speaker 02

  Thirteen or fourteen years ago, in London.

• 1:16Speaker 03

  Wow!

• 1:17Speaker 02

  So we went, yeah. So I texted her, said, "Chris, can you sort me out? I need to go."

• 1:21Speaker 03

  Wow!

• 1:21Speaker 02

  My missus is a big Chris Ramsey fan.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  And I sorted your tour manager out tickets for us, for our podcast tour as well. A lot of taking in this relationship.

• 1:31Speaker 02

  As soon as I'm in the gig, it's yours, Chris.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  I'm not asking you for anything, you fucking s-.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  And also, you know the thing I've always felt immense guilt for? The Nando's black card.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  I basically got your Nando's black card.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Yes!

• 1:44Speaker 02

  So there was a gig for Nando's.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  That's the first time we properly gigged together, that's why I was gonna get it.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  And somehow I got it, I don't know how. Were you at that gig?

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, the lady gave me it at that gig.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  I thought you pulled out of the gig, oh you were there? Because I ended up going out afterwards, with Carl Hutchinson.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:00Speaker 02

  And having a big night.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Oh no, that was the gig after?

• 2:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that one was in the Nando's. You were meant to do it with us.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  And then I ended up getting bumped up to a headliner that night. And then from there, I got the black card.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  Oh, get it, oh, how long did you?

• 2:13Speaker 02

  I'm sure you were like 25 minutes. I'm sure you were meant to headline, and then you got something else happened, or you couldn't do it. So I've always felt immense guilt, but then it did feed me for...

• 2:22Speaker 03

  No, you got one, did you?

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I knew you did, yeah. So you were there the night I got mine? I remember. The lady giving us it, such a lovely lady, I don't wanna name her in case someone's gonna want me named, but she's so cool. She got down on her knee and presented it like she was nighting us.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  There was always this weird joke about it for a long time, because you were meant to do that gig, and then I'd stepped in.

• 2:41Speaker 03

  And then you got it! That's amazing!

• 2:43Speaker 02

  I had it for like, and I remember we were drunk one night in Edinburgh, and we were joking about it. And you were literally, he was like, he was crushed. Honestly, Rosie, he was absolutely crushed. I remember just sitting at a table with his head in his hands.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  Fuck off!

• 3:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've done my hair, I've gone brunette.

• 3:04Speaker 03

  What made you go brunette? Have you ever been brunette?

• 3:06Speaker 04

  Been blonde for ages, and I was just like, and I'm, this is my natural, that's not, but this is sort of my natural colour. So I was like, I'll get more serious parts now, or any parts.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  You look really sophisticated.

• 3:16Speaker 04

  Thank you. I think immediately, it is bad, but you just, I look like a librarian, like I could be a librarian, or I could tell you about a book.

• 3:25Speaker 03

  I really like, you look really smart, really sophisticated, dare I say, grown up. It's aged you in a really positive way.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Apart from when you do that, apart from when you do that.

• 3:34Speaker 04

  It's aged me in a really positive way. That's such a sad...

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 3:38Speaker 04

  Okay, great.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  In a really good way.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  If it was a bob, it would be too much.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  Too much, don't bob it just yet.

• 3:43Speaker 04

  The long gives me at least a few years off.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  Can we, again, take a moment to just contemplate how different that would have went if I said that to you?

• 3:53Speaker 04

  I would have stood up and punched you.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, she would have punched us, you would have punched us, someone would have punched us through the screen, yeah.

• 4:00Speaker 03

  You can't, we've talked about this before, you're not allowed to comment on people's...

• 4:04Speaker 01

  I'm not, so I'm not allowed to comment at all?

• 4:06Speaker 04

  At all?

• 4:06Speaker 01

  On women at all? Even if I commented, she goes, "A bit weird that."

• 4:09Speaker 04

  I wouldn't mind that. Last night, I was doing a gig with Pierre Nivelli, and I liked his jacket, and I said, "I like your jacket," and he said, "Great," and then I said, "Great," and then I did something, and then some gig stuff, comedy, and then he came back, and he was like, "I think this is a compliment that he gave me," which now I feel embarrassed saying, because I'm saying a compliment, but he gave me a compliment about how I was dressed. And he was like, "You do tend to look really nice, your clothes look really..." And I was like, "Great, you just take that, it's not creepy." So Chris could say that.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, no, he probably could.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  She just, she just gets more...

• 4:42Speaker 04

  But you say it in a creepy way, just say it in a creepy way.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  I sort of do it in this voice.

• 4:45Speaker 04

  Yes, there we go. Okay, you've got the bottom of it, and you've got your sick out, and you start that gig.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  And then I add something on the end about the clothes a little bit on the floor, which I've stopped doing, but I do imply it with me eyes.

• 5:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, you totally can, you can compliment, but I don't think you're that, oh no, I don't wanna offend you.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Oh, come on, you're gonna say I don't give off any sexual vibes at all, so no one thinks I'm ever trying to hit on them ever. I've just said stuff like that before. She says that, I've heard it all before.

• 5:17Speaker 04

  Well, it is, I mean, I know that you're married.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  I also don't, I don't know when people are flirting, so that upsets her as well.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  I don't either. I've got into some situations.

• 5:27Speaker 03

  Have you?

• 5:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, not really, I mean, that sounds really intense, I've just been on dates, and I've been like, "Oh, that was a date." I thought we were like, we'd made friends at the Edinburgh Fringe, and we were gonna be friends.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  And I've said it at the day, "It's great to get to make fringe friends." Anyway, I'm seeing this guy, and they've been like, "I thought this was a date."

• 5:43Speaker 03

  Oh, stop.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  It's happened twice.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Shut the fu- re twice!

• 5:47Speaker 04

  And I was like 30. It wasn't even like, I'm like, "I don't know anything," like, no, I'm really bad at it.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  You should have known. Nobody's flirted with me for years.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  Again, it's very clear that you're married, you know, your brand is you are married.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  But still, it would be nice.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  It would be nice, offload me a bit.

• 6:04Speaker 03

  Yes, please, okay.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  I'm straight, but I could not be, because I'm wearing boots.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  That is, that is what happened. Did they not give you your gay card with your boots?

• 6:14Speaker 04

  Yeah!

• 6:14Speaker 01

  Did they not get it? Did they not hand it over with you? Because they're supposed to hand the gay card over with the boots.

• 6:18Speaker 04

  So many people have said that, though. And there was like, I'm not very au fait with sort of being talked about online, and...

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Stevie, don't look.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  Well, it was quite good stuff, someone sent it to me, and it was quite funny.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  It turns to bad very quick.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  I don't search, I will never look, I will never Google myself. Hmm, I have done it once, maybe twice, but it was quite bad. But on TikTok, there was all of these, like, people saying, basically presuming I'm gay, and they're like, "She's married to a man," and then people being like, "It's the Doc Martins." And it was like, I'm wearing trousers on television, that's what's happened. So it's mad, it's wild.

• 6:56Speaker 03

  We've got rid of the 1950s skirt, and then they all think everyone's gay.

• 6:59Speaker 04

  Everyone's gay.

• 7:00Speaker 03

  Gosh, yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  She didn't breastfeed a child once on telly, she must be gay!

• 7:04Speaker 04

  She's a queer icon!

• 7:09Speaker 03

  What have you done to your leg?

• 7:11Speaker 01

  What have you done, you're limped in here.

• 7:11Speaker 03

  Right, your leg's fucked, he's popped two amigroffens.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  What's the matter?

• 7:15Speaker 05

  Last week, I had my varicose veins done.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  You got varicose veins?

• 7:19Speaker 05

  I had varicose veins.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  Overhead and weight, Rosie.

• 7:21Speaker 05

  I had the V.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  The double Vs, not the double Vs!

• 7:25Speaker 05

  Not the double Vs, man. I got the double Vs, and I got it done, lovely people, got it done, wonderful.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  But, but, please don't tell me it was hashtag gifted.

• 7:38Speaker 05

  Well, look, this is the problem with it.

• 7:40Speaker 03

  Oh no, dis-.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  It was hashtag gifted! He got married, he's...

• 7:44Speaker 03

  It wasn't.

• 7:45Speaker 05

  Yes!

• 7:45Speaker 01

  You have changed, you have changed so much.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  I haven't.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  You can afford to get your varicose veins removed, yourself.

• 7:53Speaker 05

  Like, well, I did, look, this is the problem with it, I didn't really know it was hashtag gifted.

• 7:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:58Speaker 05

  Until they asked me to hashtag, until they asked me to not pay for it.

• 8:03Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay.

• 8:05Speaker 05

  And, so I didn't.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:08Speaker 05

  And, look, it, well, it was great, I got it done, the operation was amazing, I think I underestimated how much of a little bitch I am.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 05

  I am an absolute little bitch.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  I've done that to myself many a time, yeah.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  And also, my wife is like six months pregnant, so I'm getting no sympathy from her. But you are running around, this is the problem I'm at.

• 8:35Speaker 03

  Why did you get them done now?

• 8:37Speaker 05

  Because I just, I just, because they asked.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  Hang on, so how did they look, see you on the telly and think, "Here's veins, bulging."

• 8:47Speaker 05

  I was on, I was on this, I was hosting this morning, and I thought, "Oh, I'll ask the doc..." No, you know, usually people have a problem, they ask, they go to the hospital.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Unless you're not a GP.

• 8:56Speaker 05

  Unless, if you're a host of this morning, you ask the doctor on this morning.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  I would have 100% do that.

• 9:03Speaker 03

  Oh my god, I would, I would have a D.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  You would come back from, if I was hosting that, you would come back from the ads, and I'd be going, "Oh, sorry, so next night, I'd literally have to cock out," like, it would be ridiculous.

• 9:12Speaker 05

  Come back from the break, doing like a fly. "Sorry, hi, welcome back."

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Sorry, that wasn't me, too, I was just getting them all looked at.

• 9:20Speaker 05

  And I, and I asked Dr Zoe, and I said, "Oh, do you know a varicose veins place? It's called Varicose Veins." And then it just barreled out of control, and I went to a place, had a consultation, they were so nice, and then they were like, "Come back in January, get it done." And I was like, "Yeah, amazing." And because I just assumed that it was gonna hurt less.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  Than it does.

• 9:42Speaker 05

  Than it does, because I thought, like, you know what, it's 2026.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  They'll just zap them out, laser them.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  We could, you know, we can make AI people or something. Like, varicose veins is gonna hurt, and so I got it done, operation doesn't hurt at all. Next, all week, I've been an awful husband, awful husband, and...

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Just for a week, after 11 years. Rosie, after 11 years.

• 10:09Speaker 03

  He's a little bitch all the time, just constant.

• 10:11Speaker 05

  I love that I picked "little bitch."

• 10:13Speaker 01

  "Little bitch" is great.

• 10:14Speaker 05

  I don't think I've ever used the phrase "little bitch," and I looked you in the eyes when I said it.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  It was quite nice.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  She, Rosie may have sent that to you telepathically, and she may have been in her head going, "You fucking little bitch."

• 10:28Speaker 05

  If I looked at Chris, I would have said cunt.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  You little bitch.

• 10:35Speaker 05

  And so, basically, I have to, at the moment, I'll tell you where I'm at currently, and he's either be lying down or moving.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Okay, all or nothing.

• 10:46Speaker 05

  So there's no in-between.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  So how are you feeling now?

• 10:48Speaker 03

  Do you need to stand up for a minute?

• 10:48Speaker 05

  So right, if I stand up, then it's bad news.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 10:52Speaker 05

  So I'm either walking, fine. So I know I'm doing a lot of walking around the house.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  And then I'll lie down. It's not conducive to parenting.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  Okay, no, not at all.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Not a two-year-old, no chance.

• 11:05Speaker 03

  But how do you turn down free varicose vein surgery?

• 11:08Speaker 05

  This is the problem. I can't remember. The problem when someone offers me something free, or work in general, I say yes.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Is like, this is like a storyline from fucking Frasier. He would get varicose veins and he wouldn't be able to do his radio show. That's literally, this is a Frasier storyline. It's absolutely preposterous. It's preposterous that you got free varicose veins. You've not seen the video of his Instagram, man. It's so funny. It's him videoing himself and just as he starts videoing himself, completely unplanned, the woman goes, "You've got really muscly legs." And he goes, "Mum, I got that on film."

• 11:42Speaker 05

  I think I've become a really bad person. This ties in perfectly to it. And on the same day as me getting my VVs done.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  Double Vs, yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

• 11:55Speaker 05

  I got, I got.

• 11:56Speaker 03

  Laser hair remover, what else?

• 11:58Speaker 05

  I used to bite my fingers, my fingers.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  This is a myth.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  We both do this. We've talked about this. I pick mine shockingly.

• 12:06Speaker 05

  When I get anxiety, I bite my fingers and I get nervous and I do this, right?

• 12:09Speaker 03

  I'm terrible.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, he was trying to sort this out for him.

• 12:11Speaker 05

  Right. And I thought, I've got to get it solved. I think I've become unrelatable.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  Right.

• 12:16Speaker 05

  Because the way I got it solved is I called Paul McKenna.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  The magician?

• 12:23Speaker 05

  He is.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Hypnotist. He's not a magician.

• 12:32Speaker 05

  He did, he did. But he did make my bad fingers disappear.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  He did. He went, he went, look, he went, the thumb's gone, the thumb's gone.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  Stop it, you've done.

• 12:41Speaker 05

  May, I am telling you. I am telling you, I have not bitten my fingers since I left this hotel room.

• 12:55Speaker 03

  Paul McKenna, dude, visiting my hotel room.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  You're famous, but you're 90s famous?

• 13:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 03

  What the hell? Did you meet him on this morning?

• 13:04Speaker 05

  Uh, no, I interviewed him on my Radio 2 show.

• 13:06Speaker 03

  Okay, so through work?

• 13:07Speaker 05

  Different, different work.

• 13:09Speaker 03

  Holy shit, though, this is.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  And I was like, I have to solve this.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  So I, right, I bite the inside of my mouth. And I read somewhere recently that it can cause cancer. Because obviously, yeah, it does. And I need to stop doing it. Like, my dentist is literally like, the inside of your mouth. Do you want to see it?

• 13:25Speaker 05

  Which bit? Yeah, can I see the inside of your mouth?

• 13:29Speaker 05

  Oh, interesting. Like that, like that, like that.

• 13:33Speaker 03

  Inside, everywhere. It's horrible. It upsets us.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, so weird, by the way.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  I mean, I want to see your veins later. Well, or lack of. And I, right, I might, I might not have to go to Paul McKenna. Is there other hypnotist?

• 13:45Speaker 05

  Do you want to see a picture of my veins I took out?

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Yes, but first of all, can we just, can we just log, can we just log that the fact, in the future, if we do break up, it might have been because Joel Dommett pimped you out to Paul McKenna's hotel room one day?

• 14:02Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Where did the downfall start? She spent so much time in Paul McKenna's hotel room. It was unbelievable.

• 14:07Speaker 03

  You know, in life, when celebrities and you think you get them all mixed up, right? So you said Paul McKenna. In my brain, I went, Paul McKenna, Paul Daniels, Uri Geller. I saw all three of them. And that's why I said magician. So I saw all three and I went, I know which one you mean. Paul McKenna, hypnotist.

• 14:26Speaker 05

  I get anxiety and I bend spoons.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  Do you talk about exes in front of each other?

• 14:35Speaker 06

  Uh, yeah, like, if it's relevant, I don't think, I just like, start.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Don't just bring it over.

• 14:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, but like.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Tell you who I miss.

• 14:46Speaker 03

  It's just something that always comes up in our life because we know people who would never, ever talk about exes.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:53Speaker 06

  I think that's odd. I think that's a bit of a red flag.

• 14:55Speaker 03

  And we sometimes do because it's like that. It was just part of my life.

• 14:59Speaker 06

  It's part of your story, yeah.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  You know, part of your story. But then there is people who we know, like friends of ours, who I have no idea. Like, all I know is them with their husbands. And I'm like, who else?

• 15:08Speaker 06

  Or if, if, if like somebody brings up their ex and you can see the partner get visibly uncomfortable and it's like, that's funny.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  They're not here now.

• 15:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, I know, I know. They don't, yeah. Although where we live.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  They weren't born and then handed to you. Like, they had a life before you, yeah.

• 15:23Speaker 03

  Where we live, they're probably, they're probably at the school drop-off where we live. It's such a small place.

• 15:28Speaker 06

  My, my husband, when I, when I met him, he worked in a cocktail bar. And that's, that's how we met.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  He was, he was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar?

• 15:35Speaker 06

  He was. He was working as a, as a waiter.

• 15:38Speaker 03

  I knew, I knew you were going to say it.

• 15:40Speaker 06

  And we, oh, it's, it's a running joke. I think he started his groom's speech with, with that. But it's, um,

• 15:47Speaker 06

  like, working in hospitality, a bit like the comedy industry. There's a lot of internal dating and, and stuff.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  Right, yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 06

  And there was a good while when we first started dating, like, if we went to a bar, I could just tell by the way a waiter or a person behind the bar would be, just like with Mike, and I would go, you, you, you've slept with her, haven't you? Yeah, and he'd be like, yeah. Yeah, and you could just tell. You know what I mean? You know, you could just, like.

• 16:20Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 16:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  It's like giving him his pint.

• 16:22Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Just put your spit in it, hand him it, so you knew.

• 16:25Speaker 06

  But also, but it's just some few weird signs. But like, because they're all moving amongst the different restaurants and bars as well. Like, there was a restaurant that opened and we were so excited to go. And we'd got this table and then the woman came over to take our order. And she was like, "Oh, hey you." And he was like, "Oh, hello, you okay?" And I was like, yeah. And I was just watching it happen and then I was like.

• 16:48Speaker 03

  Oh, God, no.

• 16:51Speaker 06

  And he's just like, "Yep, just, what do you want for your starter?"

• 16:53Speaker 03

  That's, that's never happened to us. Has it?

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 16:57Speaker 06

  Do you get like, do you get nervous if you have to bring them up?

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Nah, we just, we wind each other up about it. Yeah. And like, whenever I mention it, I always say, "God, I miss them." Like, I always, I always prefix it with, "God, I miss them." And it's always, it's fine. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  None of mine were that bad. They were all quite cunning.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  So Rosie had a massive, you, you, you, you won't know this, but Rosie had a massive kickoff that.

• 17:20Speaker 03

  Not a massive kickoff.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  That when we got engaged or when we got married, none of them, she wanted them to turn up and beg her not to do it.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Big ghetto plaster over their shoulder.

• 17:30Speaker 03

  Not, not even a, not a DM or nothing. Not even like a, oh.

• 17:35Speaker 06

  The one that got, you want to be the one that got away to at least somebody.

• 17:38Speaker 03

  Always.

• 17:38Speaker 06

  At least one person.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Turns out she was the one that wouldn't fuck off.

• 17:44Speaker 06

  They were all looking at your wedding photos going, "Finally."

• 17:47Speaker 03

  I actually think there's probably a lot of men in South Shields who'll go, like, now that we do what we do, and they'll go, "She was a fucking nutter." About me. I do genuinely do. Like, oh my God.

• 17:58Speaker 06

  Like, I grew up watching Corrie all the time. And I think that sort of gave a weird, like, um, it misrepresented how common it was to have somebody crash your wedding and declare their own downfall.

• 18:09Speaker 03

  This is what I mean. This is what I mean.

• 18:12Speaker 06

  That really made me think, oh, this happens all the time.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  This is the thing.

• 18:15Speaker 06

  There's even a bit when I was saying my vows, I thought, "Any minute now."

• 18:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, someone's going to say.

• 18:19Speaker 06

  That bloke from year 10 is going to storm through going, "Wait."

• 18:24Speaker 03

  I love you.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  So I always, I always very loudly clear me throat at the, "Does anyone have any reason why the show?" I just always.

• 18:34Speaker 06

  It never gets awkward now, does it?

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Just let the norm always on.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  I know, I know, I'm normally there sat next to you.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  Just let the norm in, that's what I do.

• 18:43Speaker 00

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• 19:14Speaker 03

  Here's something about like old comedy days. Is it really nice seeing how well everyone's doing?

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  I think your generation of the comedy when you go on the circuit, I think every, well, the vast majority are doing really well.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  I think as well. It was an interesting time, an interesting generation, because I think we all came in after like the. I suppose the big names Bishop and Mickey and Kevin.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  You guys were the ones.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  But actually, it was sort of easier but harder, I suppose, in the same time. But there was a, you know, me and you did panel shows together. There was a lot there.

• 19:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  For us to get. But also, you sort of knew the people that you could, you know, like Chris and Catherine Ryan, I always think of, Ramesh Beckett. You could look at the people, Pasco and go, oh, they're gonna fly. But I never, do you know what, it never felt like, certainly for my, I never felt like an aggressive competition or. The weird one was Greg Davies. I remember doing a gig with Greg and he's one of my favourite people and I was a big Greg fan. And I was doing like an open spot and I turned up and I think it was something called Fat Tuesdays, Tina Durb used to run it in Islington.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  And Greg was headlining.

• 20:25Speaker 03

  Sounds wonderful.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  I turned up and Greg was there and he just did this whole bit about, oh my god, two comedians on the same night. And he was being really, I thought being serious and I was going, because I was such a big Greg fan, I was going, no, no, no. No, no, I don't think we did the same material. In fact, I know, like, and then he gave me, sort of put his arm over me, he was, I'm joking, I'm one of you. Do you know what, I've never, I played Greg's shoulder in something.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  What?

• 20:49Speaker 02

  One of my first acting roles was like, he did, he used to do a show called Cuckoo. And he was doing a show called Cuckoo and he was doing a show called, what's the one he used to do with Rashine and Mike Wozniak? The brilliant show. It was amazing.

• 21:05Speaker 03

  Oh, Man Down, Man Down.

• 21:07Speaker 02

  So I think he was doing those at the same time and basically they're like, so they sort of shot him out of what I think of one and I get it's cool, it's like, we've got, there's a role for you in this BBC, I swear. A BBC three sitcom. And I'm like, wow, like massive. Like shaking with nerves and you're like, can you come down? And I turn up and the guy's like, so basically like Greg, you're the only person, Greg mentioned you, but obviously the director knew who you were. So you're the only person who's the same height exactly as Greg, similar build. So we could basically use your, the back of you to shoot out Greg through people. So I was like, oh, cool. Yeah, that's so fun. But also, you also then have to learn all his lines because you can't hold a script and you're doing Greg.

• 21:50Speaker 03

  Oh my, so people were doing their lines to you from the opposite camera.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  You were dirty shot Greg.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I was dirty shot.

• 21:59Speaker 02

  I wish I'd come and saw that.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  What is a Greg Davies dirty shot?

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Anyone listening or watching who doesn't know what dirty shot means, it's when you see a movie or, and the shot is the conversation from behind the pit. And dirty means a bit of them is in the shot. The person who's not in focus, a bit of them is in the shot.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  So I'd be wearing Greg's costume. But during this, I think Murder and Successful, we got a pilot of Murder and Successful. And I was quite happy, I was sort of, so we were filming a scene and that, the news had come through and I was like, and it was like Helen Blackson Dow, Esther Smith, who's brilliant and a friend and, and that Taylor Lautner. I don't remember it. So, and I was like.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  Oh, of Twilight?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Yes, he was in it. And I turned around and I was like, oh man, like I've got this pilot for this show that I'm developing. And he was like, what? What, do you do proper acting? And I was like, yeah, no, I'm a comedian actor. And he went, oh, right. I thought you were just like a shoulder guy. I was like, what? He was like, I just thought you were a shoulder guy. You're Greg's shoulder guy, no? And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm, I'm a comedian as well. I'd hope that delivering these lines in a way I have, that this would be. Yeah. And then literally heard him walk around to people going, hey, you heard about Greg's shoulder guy?

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Thinks he's an actor.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Thinks he's a somebody.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Get a bit above his fucking station.

• 23:20Speaker 03

  So he fucking reminded his guy.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Talking about a pilot. God, I don't know if he's right. Does someone check in with him?

• 23:26Speaker 03

  Do we get them to stop talking?

• 23:30Speaker 01

  We are so like lucky to work in this industry and it's so fun and it's great. And, but there is, and I don't want to sound like weird here or like too privileged or whatever, but. I don't know many other industries, that is such a fucking offensive thing to be booked for. They get you down for the day, they get your costume.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  It was like a week.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  Well, you fucking hell. But do you understand what I mean? Yeah, job to job, but I can't understand any, am I being naive here? But it's, it's such a fuck you.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  You know what it is as well? It's a weird thing of like, when I look at like, and I've done, subsequently done other jobs now and people are standings and whatnot. And.

• 24:03Speaker 03

  You've ever. Greg?

• 24:04Speaker 02

  No. I was hoping Greg's, yeah, Greg would use me again.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  So that's the aim. That's, you know, people have a mood board and the stuff and they go, I've visualized it and I've put out the universe. What's, what's, I've manifested. You need to manifest a career where you are so fucking huge that you can get Greg in as a shoulder guy. But the difference is, but you're in the room. You're in the room.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Do you know the difference is Greg is sort of our daughter, like he's.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  He's amazing.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  But he's been on here.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  But he's so high status in his way, low but high.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 02

  It kind of suited me. But also it's like one of those weird things that even when it was happening and like you have this, it's like. Yeah. And you're very good at like, you know, being self derogatory. I think it's like you're, something's happening and you're like, yeah, this is kind of indigna, but also I'd never really been on a set before. And you're watching stuff and, and so you're getting an idea of, and it's sort of later and like, later as it sort of continues, you go, actually, that's how lucky you were. And I could, it was one of those things as well that you couldn't really get out of once it sort of developed into what it was. You couldn't then just go, actually, fuck this. Because you're always in the back of your head thinking, you know, if I'm nice, I'll get on with people.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  Do you know what it is though? Sometimes it's jobs that you might have met somebody on that job that could have got you something. It's like, that's how it works.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Well, I was hoping to become Taylor Lautner's shoulder guy. I can stoop tail.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  I can stoop, I can squat.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  I mean, I don't think he's worked since, but.

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Who's laughing now, eh? Would you do it, traitor?

• 25:30Speaker 01

  I think so, yeah.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  What would you want to be?

• 25:33Speaker 05

  I think, I know everyone says they want to be traitor, but I just.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  You couldn't be a traitor. You're faithful. Yes, you fucking could. Yes, you could.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  The stress of it, I couldn't. And I would be so like, it would be, I would give it away immediately. I'd get picked to be a traitor and I would go so the other way. Have you seen the scene in, you seen Trainspotting? Where he throws that pancake over the thing and then over the top and then he goes down and goes, no one leaves here till we find out what cunt did it. And it was him. That would be me. I'd be like, one of you is a fucking scumbag. And they'd be like, it's him. He's given away so much. We know it's him. Or I would hide it and I would hide it well. But then within four days, it would be like, oh, why does Chris look like he's going cold turkey from crack? He's sweating, he's aging, he's going grey within four days. The stress would get to us. I'd share too much.

• 26:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, I feel the same. I feel like I can't, this smile just doesn't hide.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  But that's why, but that's why Alan was so good on it though, because he was a traitor, but he hated being a traitor. Like you could actually see it was, it was.

• 26:39Speaker 05

  You guys should go on it together.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 03

  That would be good, wouldn't it?

• 26:41Speaker 05

  That would be so good. You together going on, because in the new series, they're putting lots of people, you know, now you've seen 27 episodes of it. It's, you guys would be fantastic together.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Well, in the best bit, they'll go, oh my god, we know that you guys are married. So that's not the twist, but then we reveal that we're actually brother and sister.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Finally, that'll be when we're revealing it. That'll be when we're revealing it.

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Daisy, we can't have it on this. We're gonna do it prime time, BBC One.

• 27:08Speaker 05

  The big secret is that Rose is actually having an affair with Greg Davies.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 05

  It turns out.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 27:14Speaker 05

  Imagine. She would never be able to reach him.

• 27:21Speaker 03

  It's all the same when you're lying down, Joe, actually.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Don't paint the picture.

• 27:27Speaker 05

  I see, that's a bit of you and Chris, you're picturing them lying down, obviously because you're the, you're the husband. I was imagining her literally climbing it.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  Climb it up and like.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  She can't do a fucking pull up. She's got no chance. She's got absolutely no chance.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Listen, I'm trying. I'm trying.

• 27:49Speaker 03

  It mad how much when you're a kid, how much you fancy boys.

• 27:52Speaker 06

  I think it's because you don't really know what it is that's happening. Like the chemistry and so you're just like, oh, I really, really like that person. I'm just gonna invent a life with them. And it's definitely like, just, I was so convinced at age eight that I would end up marrying Zach from Saved by the Bell.

• 28:10Speaker 03

  It's tragic, isn't it?

• 28:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  Although there is some people go like crazy, crazy, crazy. I was never that bad. I was never that bad. But I had to do a hotline man when Take That split, I was a boy zone. When one of the bands split up, they had to actually make a hotline man that teenage girls could ring. Because they were so upset about it.

• 28:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:32Speaker 06

  I felt a little bit like that when Zay Malik left One Direction.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  Oh dear. Were you a One Day fan? Oh, really?

• 28:38Speaker 06

  Massive One Day fan, yeah.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  I feel like you would have been a bit too old. Were you not a bit too old for that?

• 28:45Speaker 06

  Did I go and see them live for my 21st birthday present? Yes, I did.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  Okay, no, I like it.

• 28:53Speaker 06

  It's not weird because they're the same age, so. This time it's a genuine pursuit.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  There's a chance.

• 29:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  There's a chance.

• 29:02Speaker 06

  Zack Morris lived in a different country and crucially wasn't real.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:06Speaker 06

  As in the character.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:08Speaker 06

  Whereas.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  More attainable.

• 29:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:10Speaker 03

  Who was your favourite, Zayn?

• 29:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:12Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 29:12Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  Have you met any of them?

• 29:13Speaker 06

  Yorkshire, yeah, done Soccer Aid with Liam and Louis.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Oh my god, did you die?

• 29:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think I played it cool.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 29:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, nice, nice lads, they seem nice.

• 29:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 03

  Were they nice?

• 29:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, lovely.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  Oh, good, that's good, yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 06

  Don't really remember it because I'm sort of fizzing with, oh god, oh god, I've sung all your songs at your concerts. But here I am going, so do you split your time in here?

• 29:41Speaker 06

  Where are you on the wing, lovely girl?

• 29:46Speaker 03

  If only they knew.

• 29:48Speaker 06

  I know, and also like if you ever told 21 year old Maisie when she was at a One Direction concert, like, oh, you'll one day be technically working with them, what will that conversation look like? It'll be me going, do you think you'll play centre back or on the wing?

• 30:05Speaker 03

  This is wild, this is similar, this sounds similar to when me and my friend Kelly met Stephen Tomkinson.

• 30:12Speaker 06

  What?

• 30:16Speaker 06

  How did that come about?

• 30:17Speaker 03

  We do a charity, a charity thing in the north east called Sunday for Sammy. And he's been doing it, obviously, for a long, long time, he's like one of the founding sort of people. And I grew up, Washington seemed like, loved him forever.

• 30:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:30Speaker 03

  And we met and he was there, we went for drinks after because we were all, we were doing backing singing in this thing. And it was four o'clock in the morning and obviously loads of people had left and we were the only ones there. So we had a really big chat with her and I remember the taxi hop, we were just dying at hours.

• 30:46Speaker 06

  It's so weird, isn't it?

• 30:47Speaker 03

  How like mad it was, but also like how, how, well, I was just like, I can't, four o'clock in the morning, hammered, can't believe we've just had.

• 30:56Speaker 06

  It's bonkers, isn't it? Because you can't marry up the person that they were to you, the person that they are now.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  It's wild.

• 31:04Speaker 06

  Like, I've got a friend who, like, she's in musical theatre, she's in some really good productions and she was in one with Richard Fleishman, the actor.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:11Speaker 06

  Who used to be Craig the Goth in Corrie.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:14Speaker 06

  And the whole Craig the Goth had on me, like, when he, when he moved to Berlin and Rosie Webster didn't go with him, I was like, I'd have gone on the train with you, Craig the Goth. And then like my friend's just like, oh yeah, you know, we're in this production together. And internally I was like, can you ask him this, can you ask him that, absolutely.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  It does.

• 31:34Speaker 06

  Yeah, I had like a poster of him on my wall, which is weird because it's not like, he wasn't like One Direction. He was Craig the Goth from.

• 31:43Speaker 03

  He's a handsome guy.

• 31:43Speaker 06

  But it's weird to have Craig the Goth on your wall.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Where did they sell the poster? What a niche poster.

• 31:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, I know.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Did you make this poster?

• 31:49Speaker 06

  I might have made it.

• 31:51Speaker 06

  Just gonna draw Craig the Goth and put it on my wall.

• 31:54Speaker 01

  I imagine you got a TV magazine with a very small picture of him and went into some kind of printing place and went, can you make that for you one?

• 31:59Speaker 06

  Can you blow this up to life size, please?

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Back in the day, no, like soap stars were pretty, pretty big.

• 32:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh.

• 32:05Speaker 06

  Jamie from EastEnders.

• 32:06Speaker 03

  Yes, what was the one with Adam Rickett?

• 32:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  Breathe Again, oh, I loved that, fucking, I was solidly into all that shit, like, that was about my bad.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  When I did, I did, there was this panel show that they did on Channel Five for a bit, I can't remember what it was called, was it called It's Not Me, It's You? Eamonn Holmes hosted it.

• 32:23Speaker 03

  Holmes did it.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  And Vicky Patterson was a team captain and Kelly Brute was a team captain and I was on, I did like, I ended up doing like five episodes of it. And they got Jet the Gladiator on as a surprise.

• 32:33Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  For me, because it was like asking about stuff.

• 32:35Speaker 06

  About arm cushions.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Arm wrestler.

• 32:37Speaker 06

  No.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  It was like, oh, Chris was obsessed with you, Chris absolutely loved you and she had to come on the phone because she was a Gladiator, I had an arm wrestler in the middle of the thing.

• 32:44Speaker 06

  Oh my god, did you tell your friend, you had the deal with her?

• 32:47Speaker 01

  I phoned him, I phoned him from the dressing room and I got up to speak to him on the phone and he lost it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:53Speaker 06

  Oh, god.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:54Speaker 03

  It is weird, isn't it?

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  It is weird.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  And I beat her in the arm wrestle and I said, it's your fault.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  Did you be there?

• 33:02Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, she was dead, can he? But I said, it's your fault, this arm's so strong.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  Oh, god.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  I do love clothes, but I did enjoy wearing a uniform for school, just sort of like not having anything. Yeah, I did, even though I never wanted to.

• 33:16Speaker 06

  Did you like roll the skirts up, do they really, like, small thick tie, what was that?

• 33:20Speaker 03

  That was just our, our generation, I know.

• 33:23Speaker 06

  The bit, the knot had to be sort of, it was like a chode tie, like it had to be wider than it was.

• 33:32Speaker 03

  So true.

• 33:33Speaker 06

  I mean, like, this looks cool, you're like, this looks mad.

• 33:35Speaker 03

  Were you, were you allowed to wear trousers or did you have to wear a skirt?

• 33:38Speaker 06

  You could wear trousers, but no one did because if you did, you were like a lesbian or whatever and everyone was really mean about it.

• 33:45Speaker 03

  We, we had meetings to try and wear trousers.

• 33:48Speaker 06

  That's great.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, but it never happened.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  Was your school, your respective schools, part of the gigantic controversy that was the trousers with the skirt attached?

• 34:00Speaker 06

  Oh, yes, we did, yes.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  We didn't.

• 34:02Speaker 01

  Absolute fucking hell on in my school.

• 34:04Speaker 06

  What's going on?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  Hell on in my school.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, I used to wear them, what were they called?

• 34:09Speaker 06

  Torts.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  I do believe they were called abominations.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  No, there was, it had a proper name, didn't it?

• 34:14Speaker 01

  I can't remember what they were called, but it was literally, yeah.

• 34:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  I don't want to sound like I'm sort of a lady in a man's body pretending to not be, but I think they were from Tammy.

• 34:23Speaker 06

  Oh, my god, Tammy, yeah.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  I think you got them from Tammy.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  And it was black trousers with the thing over the top and I remember the headmaster in assembly going like, yeah, and they're banned, you're not allowed to wear them. And I remember thinking, well, you can pick a skirt, you can pick trousers, why not wear both? I don't understand why not.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, I got really upset about a lot of things, didn't I? Do you know I fainted in Tammy Girl?

• 34:42Speaker 06

  Right. Did you? Why?

• 34:43Speaker 03

  I think that was poorly.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  She's too excited, just like, oh my god.

• 34:48Speaker 06

  Too many great deals.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  How many bangles?

• 34:51Speaker 03

  I actually had a really bad virus, to which I think, do you know when you go, I was a mental kid? Because I think, I think I told my friends I had meningitis.

• 35:03Speaker 06

  I told everyone I had swine flu at uni and I didn't, I got Tammy flu delivered by someone under the door, just had a cold.

• 35:14Speaker 06

  I don't know why I did it, at the moment I was like, I can't take that back, I can't take that back.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  What did you do to stay in your room and oinked?

• 35:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, genuinely, everyone was like, oh, and I was like, why did I say, I just said it once, like, I think I've got swine flu and I was like, well, said it now, so I'll roll with it.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Thank you for that, yeah, I'll be back, I'll be back in a few days.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  You can't laugh about swine flu, a lot of people actually don't.

• 35:32Speaker 06

  Really bad, really terrible.

• 35:33Speaker 03

  It's bad.

• 35:33Speaker 06

  But I just had a cold.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I had a really bad cold.

• 35:40Speaker 03

  I was like, I nearly died because my nana took us to the sales at Tammy Girl and it was like the D F D box.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  And I collapsed and I split my head open, I had to go to hospital and then, then it turned into a Dorothy Perkins and I got a job there.

• 36:03Speaker 06

  So much going on.

• 36:05Speaker 03

  And it had the same man address and I was like, I fainted here when I was a kid, she was like, was that you? She was like, at Christmas I went, that was me.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  I had meningi, I mean, I had a virus.

• 36:16Speaker 06

  Also, I love the idea that you, you thought that fainting and cracking your head open to think, so we have to go to hospital was not enough drama.

• 36:23Speaker 03

  No, I know.

• 36:23Speaker 06

  I also have meningitis.

• 36:25Speaker 03

  That's what it was.

• 36:26Speaker 06

  There was something where everyone would put glasses on them all the time.

• 36:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, just to check what it was, yeah.

• 36:30Speaker 06

  And they'd always disappear and I'd be a bit disappointed.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Heat rash, just a heat rash, just a heat rash.

• 36:35Speaker 06

  It's a heat rash, or just a spot, or just your skin, you know.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, we, I don't think we do that anymore with kids. We don't do it with the kids, I don't think, I don't think I've ever done the meningitis glass roll.

• 36:44Speaker 06

  Interesting.

• 36:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 36:46Speaker 06

  Have they had a rash?

• 36:47Speaker 03

  They've had loads of rashes, but like, 111, you know, really good. When you've got little kids, really good, just to speak to someone and they're like, what's it look like? What happens when you press it and all this kind of stuff, it's really very good service, 111.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Well, where was it at time when you had a really bad throat and she told you to eat crisps?

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Someone told you to eat crisps, remember? You went either, you went to a walking centre, you went to a walking centre or you phoned 111.

• 37:16Speaker 06

  Just make that up.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  No, no, and they said, can I remember, they said, I think it was Gary Lineker, it was Gary Lineker, no, I'm joking. They said, eat crisps and swallow it so it scratches your throat on the way down and gets rid of it all, remember? Someone said that to you once.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  Similar memory, probably.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I remember thinking, get a second opinion, because that sounds like absolute fucking tomfoolery.

• 37:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, and if you're gonna do that, use like a sourdough crust.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, something a bit more dense. This was before sourdough, this was before, sourdough wasn't.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Was that not where?

• 37:45Speaker 01

  Pipe dream then, yeah, this was, yeah, knickknacks and Doritos, this.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  Are you not talking about when I ate the fish with the little bones and you meant to eat like?

• 37:54Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:59Speaker 06

  What? What is, what's going on?

• 38:02Speaker 03

  There's a fish that I love with little bones, but then I read on, when I ate it, I read online, you meant to have loads of bread with it.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  Just give me two seconds, just there. The way she said that up, right, it's, there's a fish that I love with little bones and the way she said it, it sounded like the next sentence was gonna be, we're raising money so we can have an operation.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  It's a fish I love very much, close me eyes, got little bones and we're raising money, we're trying to raise 250,000 pounds, we're gonna send him to America for a bigger, bigger bone operation.

• 38:37Speaker 03

  Stretch him out.

• 38:38Speaker 06

  Where you said it, it's a fish I love. And you're not meant to eat the bones.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  No, so you can, you can fully eat the fish.

• 38:45Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  It's a really known one, it's like, it's.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  It's not like white bait, it's like white bait or something, you know.

• 38:51Speaker 06

  Right.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  No, it's not even that, it's like a really well known fish. Oh, my god, I got it from Marxie's in a packet, in a zip, in a vacuum packed packet with a bit, star bit of butter. And then you put it in the microwave or you boil it and then you eat it, but anyway, yeah, you can eat the bones, but you're meant to eat it with like bread. So that the bones don't like stab you, so they kind of go into the bread and digest in your stomach with the bread, I know, but I didn't know this.

• 39:18Speaker 06

  Extreme fish eating.

• 39:19Speaker 03

  And I fucking raw dogged the full thing and then I was getting, oh, I feel a bit funny.

• 39:23Speaker 06

  A bit bone, bone like.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  Boney, and it was my mum who was like, do you not have any bread? I was like, no.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  I suffer because it's like a game of kaplunk.

• 39:31Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Listen, Masked Singer.

• 39:34Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  What I wanna know is, is there a, first of all, do you know who they are?

• 39:41Speaker 03

  No, he doesn't.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  When do you find out who they are?

• 39:45Speaker 05

  So, um, I don't know who they are at all. They don't tell me at all. Um, and, um, that makes it more fun. It's actually just really enjoyable.

• 39:53Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  To play the game along with everyone else. And then sometimes they're revealed. I'm like, oh. And so we, we, we actually have a stop of the record. So they go, take it off, take it off, take it off. And then we stop the record just before they're about to take it off. And then they get their makeup done and things like that.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Mad.

• 40:11Speaker 05

  And then we go back and then we go, take it off, take it off. And they're like, oh my god, it's this person.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  So you find out then.

• 40:16Speaker 05

  It's Chris Rappi. Hello.

• 40:22Speaker 05

  Voice is so annoying. The, um, my son has become obsessed with Masked Singer.

• 40:27Speaker 03

  Has he?

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 40:28Speaker 05

  And it's really cool. So he's two, he's almost two and a half. So I've sort of been waiting for this moment.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Oh, I love that. Such a good show for kids though, isn't it? Like.

• 40:38Speaker 05

  It's so fun. And now he wakes up and goes like, Masked Singer, Masked Singer downstairs now, TV Masked Singer.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  No way.

• 40:45Speaker 05

  And I was like, this is the best thing ever. Yesterday, we were in a shopping centre and we were walking along and suddenly I feel like it's backfired. Because now, where we were walking along, quite, it was quite busy, holding his hand. And he started just shouting, take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off. And I'm like, shut up. Shut up, you're embarrassing me.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  That's amazing.

• 41:10Speaker 03

  So there's two things in that. There's one that he's shouting, take it off, which is horrendous.

• 41:14Speaker 05

  It's embarrassing, yeah.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  Then the other thing is, oh, he presents that show.

• 41:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:19Speaker 03

  And he makes his kid watch it. And now he's obsessed with it.

• 41:22Speaker 01

  He's got his kid running, running some kind of PR, some kind of gonzo out there PR, like a flash mob, like flash mob shit.

• 41:29Speaker 05

  In the middle of his field. Sell his shows that he's on. This is awful.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  It's cute though, it's nice.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  What I wanna know is, no, no, I wanna know this. Is there ever a moment where they take it off? And you don't know who the fuck that celebrity is?

• 41:41Speaker 05

  One, honey percent. One hundred percent, little bit.

• 41:47Speaker 03

  This stress in the head a little bit.

• 41:50Speaker 05

  The, we, uh, so I've told this story before, but I, um, first series, there was this guy who was a politician. And everyone was like, take it off, take it off, take it off. And producer says my name is Alan Johnson. And I go, oh my god, it's Alan Johnson. And in my head, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? It's this guy. He looked like a friend of my dad's. I was like, can't be Nigel.

• 42:14Speaker 05

  And, um, and, uh, it's a bit, this series was, the Christmas show was really fun. Because, well, so it was the first time in seven series where, um, I sort of, I've been really good at keeping the secrets. And, you know, even if you do know who it is, you might go like, oh, who is this? Oh, you know, to keep all the illusion and all of that stuff. And, um.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  I saw this.

• 42:41Speaker 05

  Did you see it?

• 42:42Speaker 03

  You said who it was?

• 42:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Before he took the head off? Cause you knew, you recognised the voice?

• 42:47Speaker 05

  I don't know what, what happened on that day. It just like.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  Oh, I saw this.

• 42:51Speaker 05

  They were kissing someone and someone guessed, someone guessed who they thought it was.

• 42:55Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 42:56Speaker 05

  And I was like, oh, that's interesting. That's an interesting thing. Oh, and I think I said, oh, that's interesting. And then I heard the person laugh inside the costume. And I went, oh my god, it is Domo Leary.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  What? I've never seen this.

• 43:12Speaker 03

  They must have left it in though. Did they leave it in?

• 43:14Speaker 05

  I think they did leave it in, yeah.

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Cause it went right, like the clip is everywhere. I saw it online.

• 43:18Speaker 05

  It's like, I've never seen like a presenter ruin a format.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:22Speaker 05

  Their own format so quickly. Do you know what I mean? It was like, I've just completely, completely ruined it. Be like Bradley Walsh giving out all the answers on the chase.

• 43:38Speaker 00

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• 44:09Speaker 04

  Hi Chris and Rosie.

• 44:10Speaker 03

  Hi.

• 44:11Speaker 04

  Please keep me anonymous. Okay. Me and my partner, I was gonna just come up with a name that's a first name and a last name then, but I'm not gonna do that. Me and my partner had found out I was pregnant and were so excited to tell our friends and family. We invited his mum and dad over to tell them the good news. They were sitting side by side on our sofa and I handed my father-in-law a gift bag with a baby grow inside. So his mouth fell wide open when he opened it and my mother-in-law burst into happy tears. However, what happened next was not how I had pictured this magical moment in my mind. My father-in-law was in a state of shock, very excited of course, but clearly quite overwhelmed. So overwhelmed in fact, that as I bent over to give my mother-in-law a big hug, she was still sitting on the sofa.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  My father-in-law, who clearly didn't know what to do with himself, proceeded to guess. As in, you guess, he didn't guess.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  I know what he's done.

• 45:07Speaker 04

  What's he done?

• 45:07Speaker 03

  He punched.

• 45:08Speaker 01

  He slapped her on the arse.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  He's so excited, he slapped her on the arse.

• 45:12Speaker 03

  Who's he slapped on the arse?

• 45:13Speaker 01

  He slapped his daughter-in-law on the arse. He's, god, I'm love. He slapped her on the arse, am I right?

• 45:18Speaker 03

  Yeah. Why'd you, why'd you guess him? Have you not met him?

• 45:21Speaker 04

  That's concerning.

• 45:22Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 45:23Speaker 04

  No, but that means, like, that means that you would, why did you go there?

• 45:26Speaker 01

  Because in my head, I quickly put myself in his shoes and I quickly thought, as we were talking about earlier, being mortified about something you've done and thinking about it later on. I quickly put myself in his shoes and thought, what would be the most mortifying thing? I went to the most mortifying, but I thought.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Shout yourself.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  No, no, I thought the most mortifying was as she bent over, I went, whee. But that, and that one went, that was a, that was a tit. But then I thought, no, he's gonna slap her on the arse. And that, and that is like, yeah, that's, that is mortifying.

• 45:54Speaker 04

  That is, but that is absolutely mortifying.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  It is bad.

• 45:57Speaker 04

  My father-in-law, who clearly didn't know what to do with himself, proceeded to land a great big slap of his hand across my arse while exclaiming, Jesus Christ.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  That's for the bin.

• 46:07Speaker 04

  Really good. She got spanked, I got spanked by my father-in-law. I was so surprised that I couldn't even react, so chose not to acknowledge it, which is funny.

• 46:16Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 46:17Speaker 04

  Ignore it.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  It's even worse.

• 46:18Speaker 04

  Until later when they'd left and I told my partner, we found it hilarious and put it down to a state of overwhelm. I've never brought it up with him since. For context, I must say this, my in-laws are wonderful and I bloody love them.

• 46:29Speaker 03

  Oh, well, there you go. That's nice.

• 46:31Speaker 04

  She should wait until the, he tells her anything and then slap him on the arse. Or cup his balls.

• 46:39Speaker 03

  Oh my god, yes. Yes. Yeah.

• 46:42Speaker 04

  Good lord.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  I've got a lot of promotion at work. Whee, get in.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Amazing. Amazing.

• 46:50Speaker 05

  This is the thing, whenever we see each other, Chris, uh, or speak or text, we don't see each other enough. And, um, I just wanna say I love you.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  I love you too, man.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Oh, I love that. That's nice though. I've got two sons and I think men should tell each other that they love each other more.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  Joel's one of my good ones. Joel's one of my good ones. I've got a handful. I don't have many comedy friends. Joel's one of my good ones.

• 47:10Speaker 05

  I'll take that.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, good. Love that.

• 47:13Speaker 05

  I, I wouldn't have said that if I wasn't completely off my tits.

• 47:17Speaker 01

  I have got no excuse, I just love Joel.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  I am six neurofendee because I'm fucking, I'm all right.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  She kept my gin and tonic really to the edge.

• 47:29Speaker 05

  I'm gonna do a ram raid after this. It's fucking good.

• 47:33Speaker 05

  Such a nineties reference. Do you remember ram raids? They don't happen anymore, do they?

• 47:37Speaker 03

  What's a ram raid?

• 47:38Speaker 05

  A ram raid. They literally get in a car and then they drive into a newsagent and steal chocolate.

• 47:42Speaker 03

  I think that's a terrorist attack.

• 47:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  No, it's a ram raid. You drive it in. It's a interesting story. The barber outlet is, uh, in, in the town where we're from. Barber is from South Shields. The, can you remember when everyone had the quilted jackets?

• 47:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:56Speaker 01

  Everyone had the barber quilted jacket.

• 47:57Speaker 03

  Wax quilted?

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Not wax, just the quilted ones. Everyone had them in South Shields. Everyone knew someone who could get one. Cause they were all back of lorry jobs. Cause they used to ram raid the barber factory all the time. What happened was, someone who works there got the forklift truck, parked it next to where they were ram raiding.

• 48:13Speaker 05

  Stop it.

• 48:13Speaker 01

  And put the forklift blades, car, height. It got ram raided. Someone nearly got a head taken off. It never got ram raided again.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 48:24Speaker 05

  That's that story.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. Part the forklift right here. Go on, drive in dickhead. Go on.

• 48:28Speaker 05

  Oh, that's great.

• 48:29Speaker 03

  But you know what's hilarious? If someone had died, they'd have got done for murder.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:34Speaker 03

  So, don't win. I like to bring stories down.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, thanks. No, I just don't, you know, shit all over it, it's fine.

• 48:42Speaker 03

  Right, go on, go on.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  And you wonder why I wore a roll around with sweaty men for pleasure? Cause I live for this.

• 48:50Speaker 05

  Okay, here we go.

• 48:53Speaker 05

  Hi Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous.

• 48:56Speaker 03

  Oh god, it's obvious. You do autocue. You should be good at this.

• 49:01Speaker 05

  All he can hear in his head is.

• 49:06Speaker 05

  Please keep me anonymous. Last summer, we moved into our new house. Very kindly, the previous owners had left us all white goods, including a lush, American-style fridge freezer. Winner!

• 49:18Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 49:19Speaker 03

  Oh, nice. Okay.

• 49:20Speaker 05

  On moving day, we realised there were a few bits left in the freezer. So we thought, oh, well, they've left in a hurry, and threw it all in a kitchen bin. Fast forward two days, and the kitchen bin was full. My husband picked up the bin bag, and what appeared to be bloody meat juices was dripping onto the kitchen floor. We hurriedly put it in the wheelie bin and came back to disinfect the floor and bin, assuming whatever the previous owners had left in the freezer was a joint of meat.

• 49:48Speaker 03

  Oh, God. It's not, though, is it?

• 49:50Speaker 05

  Oh, it's something sexual.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  It's not a joint of meat. It's a...

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Rabbit's head or something horrible.

• 49:58Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 50:00Speaker 05

  We went out that day and were surprised to receive a message back from the previous owners to ask if we had possibly come across their forgotten item in the freezer.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  No, God, no. It's a fucking pet. It's a dead pet, Rosie. Come on.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  It's a dead dog or something.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  It's a dead dog or something. This is awful.

• 50:12Speaker 03

  It's a big American freezer.

• 50:14Speaker 05

  On reading this message, my husband and I simply could not believe what the contents of the freezer had been.

• 50:23Speaker 05

  It was the placenta.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Nah. No.

• 50:26Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  From when they had their daughter, who is now six years old.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  Shut the fuck up.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  Oh, there's no goodness left in that.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  That's gone.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  No, all of the... I don't know if it's true or not.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  You're kind of aged it.

• 50:40Speaker 03

  Surely this is like a six months.

• 50:42Speaker 05

  How do you...

• 50:44Speaker 03

  Best before date.

• 50:44Speaker 05

  There's more to come.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  Oh, Jesus.

• 50:47Speaker 05

  Let's read to the end. Let's read to the end.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  Okay, all right.

• 50:49Speaker 05

  That's right, a six-year-old placenta that they'd just left behind. But wait, when we were informed the previous owner that sadly the placenta had been thrown away, they asked, if it's only in the dustbin, maybe you could pass it to the neighbour we are still friends with.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Go and shut the... No. No.

• 51:08Speaker 05

  And they could keep it for us. We kindly informed them that the bin had been emptied and the placenta was no longer in our possession. What the actual heli, it had been defrosting for three days.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Oh, right. Right. Some people, some people are so unhinged and I don't know. Entitled isn't the word, but it almost kind of is, like, uh, you threw our placenta away. And that's the accent. No one north of York is fucking cracking on like this, right? That is so... Well, can you just get out the bin and give it to a neighbour who we're still in touch with? And they're okay with weird fucked up shit like this, by the way. You fucking hippies.

• 51:50Speaker 03

  I was never in a... If somebody had done stuff with my placenta and said, have this, I would have done it. I think...

• 51:57Speaker 01

  What, talking curry stir-fry?

• 51:59Speaker 03

  No, like tablets.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  Or tablets.

• 52:01Speaker 05

  We did the tablet thing.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Did you do the tablet thing?

• 52:03Speaker 05

  We did the tablet thing. It was frustrating because it's actually quite a lot of admin.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm not doing my own placenta.

• 52:09Speaker 05

  It comes out.

• 52:10Speaker 03

  A bit of liver.

• 52:10Speaker 05

  And then you're like, oh, my God, we've got a babe. Babe. Oh, wow.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  What do you do?

• 52:15Speaker 05

  Then you've got to fill out a form. The first thing you do, you're like, um, I've got to send off the form.

• 52:23Speaker 03

  That's too much admin.

• 52:25Speaker 05

  And then you put it in a freezer and a man on a motorbike picks it up. And that guy's Paul McKenna.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  What do you mean you did the tablets? What do you mean you did the tablets?

• 52:34Speaker 03

  And then you dry it and then like...

• 52:35Speaker 05

  Yeah. They like said professionally, they get all the bacteria out of it. And apparently the placenta has really loads of goodness in it.

• 52:41Speaker 03

  Oh, it's really good. And it's like, because as a woman, you kind of birth it out. But actually, that's where all of your good stuff, kind of, so you can put it back in. But six years later.

• 52:51Speaker 05

  The problem is, is that they made it into gummies, right? Placenta gummies. And I fucking love a gummy.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  Don't tell me you had a placenta gummy.

• 53:01Speaker 05

  Right. They were on the table for Hannah to just like pop at, right?

• 53:05Speaker 01

  So for the mother?

• 53:06Speaker 03

  Yes, of course, for the mother. Why do you... What? You haven't birthed out a placenta. You've lost any iron. What are you taking?

• 53:12Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 53:12Speaker 01

  Well, just have a fucking pint of Guinness and shut up, you fucking filthy hippie. What's going on?

• 53:17Speaker 03

  He's taken Hannah's placenta.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  So you're right. So you're not... Right. He loves a supplement, this fucker.

• 53:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  Hannah's got more iron than me. I'm not having this.

• 53:28Speaker 05

  I haven't been to the gym for a couple of days. Get some more iron in these basset.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Right, okay, sorry. So I might have sweepingly called everyone who eats a placenta a hippie there. So it's for the mother, who is breastfeeding and who is completely depleted from this incredible ordeal she's been through, to get some of the goodness back in her.

• 53:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  I wholeheartedly apologise.

• 53:46Speaker 03

  No, you're fine. The thing, I watched a programme once where somebody kept it in their house and they put like lavender and rosemary on it and that.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  What's the same one? I remember being this level of angry when we saw that. Yeah, yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 03

  But there's stuff you can do now.

• 53:59Speaker 05

  Do people like treat you like a roast?

• 54:01Speaker 03

  Yes. That's exactly what they did. They kept this placenta in like a tray and they just put like, like dried petals. Remember? We watched it together.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:11Speaker 03

  And like lavender and just like herbs. But it went like all like outdated and horrible.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  They had it as an ornament. They just had it as an ornament. It was a room odorizer.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  It was disgusting. But...

• 54:26Speaker 05

  You know how people like hang those dream catchers from a window?

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 05

  It feels like that sort of vibe.

• 54:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. Fucking nightmare catcher.

• 54:34Speaker 03

  That was horrible. That was awful.

• 54:35Speaker 05

  This... So, so at some point, I assume they've sort of come back with a placenta in a bag. And that, to me, that image feels wrong. Because it does feel like sort of you've decapitated someone.

• 54:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:52Speaker 05

  And you've brought it back and you put it in the freezer.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  But why would... After six years.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  That's what they've been doing. Unless they've been like chipping a little bit off and having a little bit now and then.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  That's cannibalism, in my opinion.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  Why is it still there? I mean, I've got stuff in the freezer that shouldn't be there.

• 55:07Speaker 05

  But that's it. That's it.

• 55:08Speaker 03

  To me, right, freezer space, sacred as fuck. Like, if there was a placenta taking a broom in our freezer, I'd be raging.

• 55:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm okay with it.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  I had to take my athlete's ice pack thing out because she was kicking off.

• 55:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:24Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean?

• 55:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, got to take it out. You're like, Chris, we've got to take the placenta out.

• 55:28Speaker 03

  It's got to go.

• 55:29Speaker 05

  It's got to go.

• 55:30Speaker 03

  It's got to go.

• 55:30Speaker 05

  It's freezer space. It's...

• 55:33Speaker 01

  That bin must have fucking reeked.

• 55:36Speaker 03

  Oh, it's like, the only way I can... I think a placenta looks like a really big bit of liver. You know, liver. I love liver.

• 55:43Speaker 05

  I did all the stuff and prepared for the birth and like tried to read all the books and tried to do all the stuff of... We listened to like YouTube tutorials about taking you through each step of all the birth and stuff. And I just think I forgot that, because you're all in the madness of the birth and it's all crazy. And you pick your birth plan. On the birth plan, I said that I was going to, I was going to, I was going to deliver the baby and give it to... Because I picked that because I thought that would be a funny challenge.

• 56:13Speaker 01

  You want to be business end?

• 56:14Speaker 03

  What the fuck?

• 56:15Speaker 05

  Of course I'm business end.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  What the fuck? I might as well have been in a different room.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  I was not business end. I wasn't in a B C and that. I didn't want to see you chop open.

• 56:25Speaker 03

  Well, I wanted you to take photos and you wouldn't.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  No fucking chance.

• 56:28Speaker 03

  I want to do a video.

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Absolutely no chance.

• 56:30Speaker 05

  This is going to make you all like... But Hannah was like, no, I don't want videos. I don't want to do any of that stuff. And I was fine. Totally get that. But when it was happening, I knew it was gonna happen. So I just put the video on my phone and I just set it up, uh, so making sure non-business end.

• 56:51Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 56:51Speaker 05

  You know, I know my angles are working totally.

• 56:53Speaker 03

  The moment.

• 56:54Speaker 05

  And it's honestly one of the most special things I have.

• 56:59Speaker 03

  I know.

• 56:59Speaker 05

  It's mental.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, I can imagine.

• 57:01Speaker 05

  Like, honestly...

• 57:03Speaker 01

  I thought you were about to slag it off.

• 57:04Speaker 05

  Oh, it's unbelievable. I would play it for you, but it's like the noise of it, because it's so funny. And we try and watch it every... This is the mad thing. Whenever you've had like a hard day or a day where you're just like, oh, fuck. If you sit down and watch that video, it sort of takes you back to like the majesty of it all. It's so ridiculous. Because it is fucking insane. But like the whole thing, so Hannah's giving birth and she's doing it so well. She's amazing. She's going to be there for 36 hours or something insane. And then the gift... And then I try and catch it so that the midwife goes, take your baby, take your baby. I shouldn't have picked it on the form because I was never going to catch it in school.

• 57:49Speaker 03

  Did you drop it?

• 57:50Speaker 05

  I didn't drop it, but I was very... They're slidey things, man.

• 57:54Speaker 03

  There's all that white stuff on.

• 57:56Speaker 05

  Yeah. Tried to catch a rugby ball when it's a rainy day.

• 57:59Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

• 58:00Speaker 05

  And then you sort of take it and then gave it to Hannah.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  And you're shot up by the midwife. I don't like that.

• 58:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's a lot going on.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  No, you should know.

• 58:07Speaker 05

  And on the video, the thing that I really sort of see an amazing moment, Hannah's like, oh, God, oh, my God, oh, my God. And you hear this cry from the baby and there's like this silence and I just go, oh, God.

• 58:26Speaker 05

  I feel like that, oh god, was like the start of the rest of my life.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 58:31Speaker 02

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I'm in a relatively new relationship with a guy who, for once, is absolutely great.

• 58:40Speaker 03

  Oh, nice.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  Well, this is nice.

• 58:41Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  It's a nice surprise.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's good, even though we don't know the person.

• 58:44Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, okay.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  It's just nice to get someone to have a nice time.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. He's sweet, caring, funny, and all in all, and all in all round, a great boyfriend. I think she, that's her, not me.

• 58:56Speaker 03

  Nice guy.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:57Speaker 01

  I feel a magnificent butt coming here, but okay.

• 59:01Speaker 02

  And also, so far, that's also like, my heart actually goes out to this person. Made me through some hurt.

• 59:07Speaker 03

  Do you think?

• 59:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, so she's fine, she's like, yeah, I get you, I get you.

• 59:10Speaker 02

  When we started seeing each other, I found out that he owned a dog with his ex. And when the dog died, it sent him into a very dark patch.

• 59:17Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  All very sad. God, god.

• 59:19Speaker 03

  Jesus.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  Losing pets is awful.

• 59:21Speaker 03

  I've never touched one, we haven't had a dog, so I've never had to lose a dog.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  On the horizon, like, I can tell, me algorithm has shown us a lot of dogs.

• 59:29Speaker 02

  Really?

• 59:30Speaker 01

  A lot of dogs. We're talking about it, we're being asked by the kids.

• 59:33Speaker 02

  Aye.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  A lot of dogs going on.

• 59:35Speaker 03

  Get one of them.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Like, I haven't got it in me, I haven't got the weather all to talk about it right now.

• 59:38Speaker 03

  Oh, bless you.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  It ripped you to shreds.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  Oh, gosh.

• 59:42Speaker 02

  On one side of the bed, the side I sleep on, he keeps a collection of the dog's things.

• 59:47Speaker 03

  Oh, fucking hell. I knew, I knew, yeah.

• 59:49Speaker 02

  We're talking collar, handkerchief. Handkerchief? How posh was this dog?

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Blew his fucking nose. I wiped his arse.

• 59:59Speaker 01

  I'm guessing it was around, it was around.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  It was gonna come out of his sleeve.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  I'm guessing it was around the neck, like a fucking train robber.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, but then why would he have a collar and a handkerchief around his neck?

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  Dunno.

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  He's accessorising this dog.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  He's accessorising it as well.

• 1:00:12Speaker 01

  Maybe the handkerchief is to cover the collar, so it's like, I'm not just a dog, I'm a fashionista.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  Oh, lovely.

• 1:00:18Speaker 02

  An envelope with the dog's name on it. I don't know what's in there.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  Sorry, what?

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Jeez. An envelope with a dog's name on it, and I don't know what's in there. That's like a letter maybe to the dog.

• 1:00:28Speaker 01

  Just never opened it?

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. I would not be, I'm so glad it's not.

• 1:00:31Speaker 03

  How would you sleep next to somebody who's got a dog's collar?

• 1:00:34Speaker 01

  This is on her side of the, no, this is on her side of the bed.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  If it was just a dog's collar, you could just think he was a bit freaky.

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  Well, we're fair enough.

• 1:00:41Speaker 02

  Then the handkerchief, you're like, okay.

• 1:00:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:43Speaker 03

  Tidy.

• 1:00:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  Wiping off the belly.

• 1:00:47Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 1:00:48Speaker 02

  I was just about to go there, but I was, yeah.

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  An envelope with the dog's name on it, yeah. And a mould of the dog's paw print.

• 1:00:56Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  What the fuck? She sleeps next to, I'm sorry, she sleeps next to a shrine to the dead dog.

• 1:01:01Speaker 03

  No, I'm not okay with this.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  Can I say, a mould of the dog's paw print, you'd go, look, you know, let's just call this guy Jack. Jack. I don't like Jack. He feels like a Jack.

• 1:01:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. Russell.

• 1:01:14Speaker 02

  We know some good Russells. We know some bad Russells.

• 1:01:18Speaker 02

  The Russell Barometer in comedy is.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, there is a, yeah, there's a big Russell Barometer. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  Really good Russells.

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  Really bad Russells. Very much like Star Wars, the Russells are driving.

• 1:01:31Speaker 03

  No comment.

• 1:01:32Speaker 02

  They're all working for the Ched eyes at one point, but then the dogs, I can't really.

• 1:01:37Speaker 01

  Surely meant the fucking dog, Jack Russell. Surely meant Jack Russell. Here we saw, you're gonna talk about Russells, you missed the fucking joke.

• 1:01:45Speaker 02

  A great joke, by the way.

• 1:01:46Speaker 03

  Thank you. Thank you.

• 1:01:49Speaker 02

  Bit weird that. But it's a closed box, so I can live with it. Is everything in a closed box?

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Sort of closed box by the bed with all of that stuff in.

• 1:01:56Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, I thought they were just like out on the bedside table. Right, okay, they're in a box. Still weird.

• 1:02:00Speaker 02

  In the bedroom is a green jar. I never questioned what was in the jar because part of me didn't wanna know. But I don't think I could have been prepared for how I found out.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  Oh, god.

• 1:02:09Speaker 03

  Some people just breeze through life, don't they? Never asking any fucking questions.

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  What's in the jar?

• 1:02:14Speaker 03

  I'd be like, what's in this jar? Probably, probably the second time I went, I'd go, what's this in this jar?

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  I'd have opened the jar the first time I went there.

• 1:02:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, you would have.

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  I'd have immediately opened the jar.

• 1:02:22Speaker 02

  Like a green jar, such a.

• 1:02:24Speaker 03

  Green jar?

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  Is it painted?

• 1:02:26Speaker 02

  What, a painted jar?

• 1:02:27Speaker 01

  Is it painted or is it, or is it like a glass, like a beer bottle green?

• 1:02:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:31Speaker 03

  We might not know.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  No, Heineken.

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  The three of us turning up going, hello, no, we did manage to track you down, even though this was anonymous. We just need to look at this jar.

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  These, me issue, and all the listeners know this, my issue is, these emails always just leave us with more questions than the answer.

• 1:02:47Speaker 02

  But I just, also, it's so specific, a green jar.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:50Speaker 03

  The green jar.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  I think Heineken colour. Remember Heineken?

• 1:02:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  Remember them days?

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  What sort of jar would be like a, yeah.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  He doesn't drink anymore.

• 1:02:58Speaker 03

  All right, I thought Heineken.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  I haven't cut it off again.

• 1:02:59Speaker 02

  Also, by the way, I was never a Heineken guy.

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  I'm sorry.

• 1:03:03Speaker 03

  What did you used to drink, just really quickly?

• 1:03:04Speaker 02

  Peroni Stella.

• 1:03:05Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 1:03:05Speaker 01

  There he is.

• 1:03:06Speaker 02

  Classicist.

• 1:03:07Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Fucking big toby.

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  Fucking Peroni.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  Big bloke, big head, big round, tiny cock, got it, boy, sad, yeah, boy, yeah.

• 1:03:14Speaker 02

  Doggy guy.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  Way to be fucking shoulder, boy.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  I was actually brought my best work at that time.

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  That was my chaucer. I was forward to a couple of weeks ago, and we were out for drinks, chatting about messy breakups. I was laughing about a situation a mate of mine had had when he broke up with his ex. And she prepared a spreadsheet which showed each item they owned together and a percentage by which he had depreciated the value of the item.

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 1:03:40Speaker 03

  That's a haul of the, that's a haul of the email in itself.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's weird.

• 1:03:45Speaker 02

  By the way, like, so what's that, like a sofa you've sat on and farted on and?

• 1:03:50Speaker 03

  Oh, my god, yeah, you've actually, like, you've took it down by 30%.

• 1:03:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  And like, nice and full.

• 1:03:55Speaker 01

  You used that nail brush more than me.

• 1:03:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:58Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:03:58Speaker 02

  You, that razor that you shaved your arse with.

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Keep that. That's yours.

• 1:04:04Speaker 02

  That's actually weirdly, I've got a lot now.

• 1:04:11Speaker 02

  My new boyfriend proceeded to tell me that he had a similar situation with his ex. They had broken up shortly after their dog died, and had quite a few hours deciding how to split the items relating to the dog. Oh, my god, so she's in a place where she's got a.

• 1:04:25Speaker 03

  How many more things does a dog have, though?

• 1:04:29Speaker 02

  A bowl, I guess, that was a big one.

• 1:04:30Speaker 01

  And also, he's got the, he's got the, the collar.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  The collar, the accessories.

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  Handkerchief and that. She's got the top hat, the shoes, the waistcoat.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  The Christmas outfit. Yeah, the Christmas outfit with the front legs tied in.

• 1:04:41Speaker 01

  The box was a kind of box.

• 1:04:45Speaker 02

  I've never said a break, Chris, again.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  It's ridiculous.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  She's got the dog's pipe, smoking jacket.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  Fucking hell.

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  His books.

• 1:04:56Speaker 02

  DVD collection. Molly and me. Oh, so ironic.

• 1:05:04Speaker 02

  The worst argument was the decision over what to do with the dog's ashes. As they could not decide on, oh, who should take them, they measured them out and kept half each. So, yes, I'm sleeping in a bedroom that is a shrine to a dog. Ashes include almonds.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  Half is in the green jar.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  Yes, but also.

• 1:05:21Speaker 01

  They measured them out.

• 1:05:24Speaker 02

  Like, on scales.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  This is awful.

• 1:05:27Speaker 02

  I'm guessing two green jars. Like, the green jar goes in the scales and it's, by the way.

• 1:05:33Speaker 03

  This is awful.

• 1:05:34Speaker 02

  Have you ever baked? How annoying it is just to get it in a, you've got a spoon. By the way, that spoon's not worth four quid now. That's why the dog's ashes are all over it.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  How much do you fucking inhale flour when you're baking? They've inhaled some of that dog's ashes, just accidentally.

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  I thought you were meant to spread them.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  The fucking hoover into the bin, it all comes back up.

• 1:05:50Speaker 02

  Why not spread them together?

• 1:05:51Speaker 03

  Well, I don't. Do you know how much, like, have you ever carried a person's dead ashes? Like, have you?

• 1:05:57Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  We should ask every, every guest this.

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  The weird of it, insane.

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  That's one thing I'm like, I'm genuinely worried about. I, I think quite a lot about my paw bearers. And that's one of the reasons I've lost a lot of timber.

• 1:06:10Speaker 03

  Stop. You think if you're gonna die, who's gonna carry you?

• 1:06:12Speaker 02

  I die too many times where I think about dying, and I think like, who's getting in for that?

• 1:06:17Speaker 01

  Do you think specifically about your paw bearers and how they're not gonna lift you?

• 1:06:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I'm thinking it's a 10 met, it's like, they might be rolling subs. Okay, I'll wait down the arm and someone going, okay, good enough.

• 1:06:27Speaker 02

  You're gassing Lee. Lee, pull Lee out, then get Dino, Dino, come on. Go back centre, mate, go centre, mate.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  You're not gonna come in with wheels. Yours is gonna have wheels. Do you know when, you know when Ed Sheeran's doing a gig in the middle and they take him in in a flight case and no one knows he's in it? That's gonna be yours. There's fucking no way they're left in there.

• 1:06:44Speaker 02

  On a slight angle.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  We actually cremated them first, because we just couldn't fucking get them in.

• 1:06:50Speaker 02

  It's a massive green jar.

• 1:06:52Speaker 06

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. You recently discussed a listener who got in touch about finding a very detailed spreadsheet on her boyfriend's laptop, chronicling every porn video he had watched.

• 1:07:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:07:06Speaker 06

  IMDb of porn.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  Hit them, hit them.

• 1:07:08Speaker 06

  However, I know someone who found much worse in similar circumstances. My friend borrowed her husband's laptop to do some work and found a suspicious looking file. On further investigation, she discovered that her husband had. Any guesses?

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  I've got two possible guesses, but you can go first.

• 1:07:29Speaker 03

  No, I've, I don't have, I'm lost.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  So is either.

• 1:07:32Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Nanaporn. No.

• 1:07:34Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:07:35Speaker 06

  Sorry.

• 1:07:36Speaker 03

  Actually, I think it's called granny porn.

• 1:07:39Speaker 06

  That's what I thought. It's granny porn. Nanaporn. Nanaporn makes it feel like it's just gonna be nice and comforting.

• 1:07:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's holding the cat.

• 1:07:47Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, the fire's on. Yeah, no, it's horrible. So I think he's either, it's, it's ex, exes. Weirdly, what we've been talking about, exes rated, or, and this is my actual guess, times that they've had sex together, rated. Have I got it?

• 1:08:08Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:08:09Speaker 03

  I would die. Imagine.

• 1:08:11Speaker 01

  Okay, don't, okay, just totally unrelated. Don't ever look at my laptop. It's a small file. It's a small file.

• 1:08:18Speaker 03

  It would be, the last year of it, very, very small.

• 1:08:23Speaker 06

  Don't be worried about the storage.

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, definitely. I'll not be, I'll not be after an external hard drive anytime soon, no way. It's not even on the cloud.

• 1:08:32Speaker 03

  But we still love each other.

• 1:08:33Speaker 06

  No, on the third investigation, she discovered that her husband had listed every single light and lamp in the house, the room each was in, what type of bulb it required, how many of that type of bulb they had in stock in the house, when the bulb was last changed, and the estimated date when it would need changing again. She was so horrified by this discovery, porn would have been less disturbing.

• 1:09:00Speaker 03

  That's awful. That's awful.

• 1:09:02Speaker 01

  That is.

• 1:09:03Speaker 06

  Controversial opinion, I think that's the hottest thing I've ever heard.

• 1:09:06Speaker 03

  I do. I do. I'm sorry. There's someone for everyone.

• 1:09:10Speaker 06

  I love a spreadsheet.

• 1:09:11Speaker 01

  I am, I am, I am hugely impressed by that.

• 1:09:15Speaker 03

  I knew you would be. No.

• 1:09:17Speaker 01

  Huge.

• 1:09:18Speaker 06

  That's an organised king right there.

• 1:09:19Speaker 03

  I'd leave.

• 1:09:20Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:09:20Speaker 03

  No. No.

• 1:09:23Speaker 01

  An organised king.

• 1:09:23Speaker 03

  That is. That's, that's, that is gonna kill you.

• 1:09:27Speaker 06

  No, because then when a light goes out, you're not having to go, oh, go on, we'll have to go to B and Q or we'll have to get one on Amazon. He's just there going, don't worry, darling.

• 1:09:35Speaker 01

  She is such, Missy's just such a hypocrite because we didn't have a bulb to go in one of the lights they had here and you were kicking off that we didn't have one. That guy.

• 1:09:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you know what? I would find sexier. Like, that to me is just absolutely not right. But I would find it sexier if, like, say it was you, okay? If I knew you had that, ick, vile. But if a light went out and you, and you got your coat on, you're like, I'm gonna go to B and Q now and get that, I'd go, that's it, that's my hero. But the fact that he's got a spreadsheet and he knows.

• 1:10:04Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. No. Honestly, are you saying that as soon as the light goes out and I hide my coat and you would let me go straight to B and Q to get a light bulb? You would let me leave the house?

• 1:10:13Speaker 06

  No, the kids are eating.

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  There it is.

• 1:10:16Speaker 06

  No, the kids.

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  You would let me leave. You would let me, tea time, so it's tea time, the kids are eating, you would let me quickly, you're full of shit. Because honestly, I'd be smashing light bulbs with Hamas about and get out of that house.

• 1:10:27Speaker 06

  You can't leave the house.

• 1:10:28Speaker 01

  There you go. Just full of shit.

• 1:10:29Speaker 06

  Okay. No, I just, I just think, right, okay, right, maybe it's not, no, I'm living in, I'm living in the past, that's nerdy as fuck. I don't find that sexy. I'm, I'm thinking of the columns, the room that each one's in.

• 1:10:41Speaker 03

  Would Zack from Saved by the Bell do that?

• 1:10:44Speaker 06

  No, that's the lazy of yesteryear, wishing for a, you've gotta kiss a few frogs before you get your, your organised prince. I don't want Zack Morris and his lack of bulb spreadsheets.

• 1:10:55Speaker 03

  Okay, fair enough. No, I get, okay, okay.

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:10:59Speaker 06

  This is, this is, this is green flags all the way.

• 1:11:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, no, it is. It's very sweet. It's, but it just, do you think he's gonna know where your clit is?

• 1:11:12Speaker 06

  He'll have a spreadsheet telling him where it is. He'll have a spreadsheet saying, keep going for five minutes.

• 1:11:19Speaker 03

  He's so busy worrying them.

• 1:11:21Speaker 06

  Then move to the left.

• 1:11:22Speaker 03

  Can it not? No, I hate them.

• 1:11:25Speaker 06

  He'll have time codes. He'll have time codes of when to move on to each area. He's, no. He's written the manual.

• 1:11:34Speaker 03

  Fair enough. I'll tell you.

• 1:11:54Speaker 00

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