S13 EP32: Chance would be a fine thing

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... It's been a busy week of podcasting and recording for the lads. For a brief moment they lose their tiny little minds... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. And now Footballing Hell is also available every Monday. A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:33Speaker 03

  Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  Fucking hell, I'm not ready, Rob.

• 1:38Speaker 03

  Why did you say you were ready?

• 1:40Speaker 04

  I'd forgotten we're doing that because we're just.

• 1:45Speaker 03

  Amy, can you say Rob Beckett?

• 1:48Speaker 05

  Rob Beckett.

• 1:49Speaker 03

  Can you say Josh Whittaker?

• 1:52Speaker 05

  Robbe- Robbe- Whittaker.

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 1:56Speaker 04

  Good job. Hello, I'm sending you this from the depths of newborn life. This is my first daughter Eve saying your name at 20 months old. She's now 27 months old at the time of sending and we've just welcomed her baby sister Cora three weeks ago. I hope you have time sending this well as I live on the sunny coast, Queensland, Australia. Originally from Doncaster, UK, Eve and Cora's dad is Aussie.

• 2:20Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 2:20Speaker 04

  If not, I will keep trying until we get in through the masses. Absolutely love the pod. It's like a light at the end of the very dark and sleepless tunnel. Cheers. Stay sex and relatable. Sally and Dylan.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  Sally and Dylan. Lovely. That's a move, isn't it? Doncaster to Queensland.

• 2:36Speaker 04

  I know. Hell of a move. I don't really know Queensland.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  Jimmy's home? Nah.

• 2:42Speaker 03

  Nah.

• 2:49Speaker 03

  Nah.

• 2:50Speaker 04

  I like Doncaster.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  Me too. But do you know what I like more? Queensland.

• 2:54Speaker 04

  Do you think you, I think you could move to Australia, Rob.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  I could. I could definitely live there. I, I can't at the moment though because of the kids and work. But I could definitely spend a lot of, a lot of the year there. I wouldn't live there. I could spend a lot of the year there. I've got an instant, I'm so excited to have an instant coffee, Josh. I've not, I had one coffee yesterday and it's, I'm still in this hotel. And I got here at 4am and it's half 11 now and I had no instant coffee in the room. So I tried to bring room service for a coffee. The lady answered the phone a bit like I'd rung my neighbour to bring me a coffee.

• 3:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:28Speaker 03

  And I'm like, well, it's a hotel.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  Well, is it a certain level of hotel you stay in where you go, I don't know if room service is done here?

• 3:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. And that's the level I'm at at the moment.

• 3:35Speaker 04

  And by room service, I don't mean could I have, you know, a poached egg on toast?

• 3:40Speaker 03

  No, no, just a coffee.

• 3:41Speaker 04

  Could I have some milk?

• 3:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Can I have some milk that isn't the, like, can I have some cold milk, please?

• 3:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  So this room, I've got no, it's, I'd say it's back to basics. I've got, I've got a smart TV. Pretty good.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  But with the wires hanging right down, it's sort of, it's designed very well. It's an old room that needs redoing. No fridge. No instant coffee, just instant tea, no biscuits, nothing.

• 4:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  Um.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  Instant tea.

• 4:06Speaker 03

  No toilet roll, been wiping my arse on the pillow.

• 4:08Speaker 04

  Of course, but you do that anyway if there was toilet roll.

• 4:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. That's my first port of call anyway. So if I've.

• 4:13Speaker 04

  Luxury.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  Burned out, there's no toilet roll. So I wanted to blow my nose.

• 4:16Speaker 04

  Exactly, exactly.

• 4:17Speaker 03

  So I've got a coffee and I'm very excited to drink it. But the anticipation of having it is, am I addicted?

• 4:23Speaker 04

  No. You just really like coffee.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  I don't like instant coffee though, really. Maybe I've become bougie, but I will need a shit mid pod if I drink this.

• 4:31Speaker 04

  Well, do you have, no, I haven't got the time for that. I've got two hours.

• 4:35Speaker 03

  That's not my fault you're busy. I, I'm living my life. I'm not changing my life because you've got more work. Okay?

• 4:42Speaker 04

  No, no, but we had this in until midday.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  This is what, this is exactly.

• 4:45Speaker 04

  Already overrunning and now you're going to take a shit break.

• 4:48Speaker 03

  How dare you? You are always the reason we're overrunning, not me. I'm never the reason. Hey, this is what happened with Paul McCartney and John Lennon.

• 4:54Speaker 04

  What?

• 4:55Speaker 03

  Your diary is Yoko Ono.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  Um, well, I'd say your diary is worse this week.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  No, Mike, don't you dare besmirch me.

• 5:02Speaker 04

  You got in at 4am.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm doing three days work. I'm doing three days work and I've got four days off.

• 5:07Speaker 04

  They have no use to me, those four days off, because I'm not working with you.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  True. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have been able to do this on Thursday or Friday because you're working. You're busy.

• 5:18Speaker 04

  True. I could have done Thursday morning. Do you want to do Thursday morning?

• 5:21Speaker 03

  I couldn't do Tuesday because you're working.

• 5:22Speaker 04

  You could do Thursday morning.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  I could have done Thursday morning, yeah.

• 5:25Speaker 04

  Shall we do Thursday morning?

• 5:26Speaker 03

  Well, it's, I've set up a full podcast studio in a hotel in Luton. I think if I'm just drinking a coffee staring at the setup, I've wasted my morning.

• 5:36Speaker 04

  What are you going to do? Can you talk me through? I think we can, we can say this is the one that goes after, right? The one where Rob's still in this hotel in Luton. You're leaving at 3pm. Talk me through. Are you just going to scroll on TikTok?

• 5:48Speaker 03

  So at the moment as well, we are, we're deep into Traitors at this point. And everywhere I fucking move, someone talks to me about Traitors. It is.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  The talk of the town. So it's very, it's, you know, I don't know if you, you've been under any sort of media, you know, scrutiny at all.

• 6:04Speaker 04

  It's never happened.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  Pretty wary.

• 6:12Speaker 03

  Look, you may not understand this. You won't be able to, you won't be able to relate to how I'm feeling at the moment. Okay?

• 6:18Speaker 04

  Of course. So.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  So we can move this along, you know? No, it's all right. No, it's, it's fine, but there is so big everywhere that it's, it is unavoidable. So it's every, on discussed on every TV show, every podcast and all that. So it's quite overwhelming when you're the subject of that.

• 6:36Speaker 04

  We haven't discussed it. We're the only podcast that hasn't.

• 6:39Speaker 03

  Well, we have eventually. No, but that's because we are.

• 6:42Speaker 04

  You can't talk about it.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  I'm not allowed to talk about it and.

• 6:45Speaker 04

  We're the only person who can't talk about it.

• 6:47Speaker 03

  I can't bother to talk about it if I'm honest, because I did it months and months ago and I've got nothing to say about it really because it's done and happened.

• 6:52Speaker 04

  No, it's fine.

• 6:53Speaker 03

  And I know what happens. So there's no jeopardy.

• 6:55Speaker 04

  No, exactly.

• 6:56Speaker 03

  So it's like, you wouldn't, if you know what happens, there's no point watching it. So it's, I'm not watching it.

• 7:01Speaker 04

  No, it would be insane for you to watch it.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  Well, no, I'm, as tame as I'm not watching the England Mexico game from the World Cup. I know what happens. It was great at the time when Dan Burn come on, that tension, that jeopardy, big header, bang.

• 7:14Speaker 04

  Did Dan Burn come on in Traitors?

• 7:16Speaker 03

  Oh shit, I knew I'd give something away.

• 7:25Speaker 03

  I knew it was him when I saw him holding the lantern and there was a finger missing.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Rob.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Oh dear, go on.

• 7:34Speaker 04

  Talk to me about, um.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Talk to me about life.

• 7:36Speaker 04

  Any untwore developments?

• 7:38Speaker 03

  No untwore developments. What else is going on? Um, Lou asked me what I want, what I want for Christmas.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:45Speaker 03

  A fire pit. I've asked for a fire pit for Christmas.

• 7:47Speaker 04

  A fire pit?

• 7:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I want some Lego. I've not asked for that yet because it looks pathetic. Um, what else has been going on? I'm thinking about getting a bike, actually.

• 7:56Speaker 04

  Can I just, no, grow up.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  Spot though.

• 7:59Speaker 04

  You're thinking about getting a bike? We, we did, I'm sure we're allowed to say this. We did cycling for Rob and Rama.

• 8:06Speaker 03

  I mean, well, I can't, well, can't talk about anything here.

• 8:08Speaker 04

  No.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  No, I don't want one of those, I don't like cycling, but a bike.

• 8:13Speaker 04

  Do we get back on the fire pit before we come to the bike?

• 8:15Speaker 03

  Go for it. This coffee's hit. Let's go. I'm ready to talk.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  Have you drunk it yet or you just high on the smell?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Lips in it. It's just sort of, yeah, teasing it. It's so hot. It's so hot in it. Black coffee without milk. So hot in it. I swear it gets hotter. There's a point where it gets hot, but then in the cup it gets hotter and then drops. It's, it's, it's never cooling.

• 8:35Speaker 04

  So.

• 8:36Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 8:37Speaker 04

  Um, is Lou going to install the fire pit, but you're not going to be allowed to see it until Christmas Day? Or is it going to come, how's the fire pit going to work as a Christmas present?

• 8:49Speaker 03

  My prediction, a massive box is probably going to arrive about 30 seconds after me saying I want a fire pit because that's how she operates. Immediately. I'll probably take delivery of that massive box and then I'll probably have to put that somewhere in the house. So it's out the way because it's a present. And then I will then have to get it out for Lou to then wrap. And then I'll have to move it to the room where the presents are of that morning. And then I'll open it and go, whoa, yeah, I wanted one of those. And then I'll have to build it. Then I'll have to chop some wood and then I'll sit there and kids will probably moan.

• 9:24Speaker 04

  Freezing cold.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Kids will probably moan, it's too cold. And I'll sit there alone looking at fire.

• 9:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  That I could have sorted out myself in one afternoon, but Merry Christmas.

• 9:32Speaker 04

  Problem with.

• 9:33Speaker 03

  Christmas as an adult for partners.

• 9:35Speaker 04

  Income is.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  What, what do I want, but not enough that I want to buy it now?

• 9:43Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, yeah, exactly. And also really.

• 9:47Speaker 04

  Cause I don't wanna brag, but I've got the money to buy.

• 9:51Speaker 03

  A fire pit?

• 9:52Speaker 04

  A fire pit.

• 9:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, if I, if I wanted to now, I could buy a fire pit.

• 9:55Speaker 04

  I don't think that's, you know, speaking out of turn.

• 9:57Speaker 03

  No, but obviously I suppose.

• 9:59Speaker 04

  Very lucky to have the ability to buy.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  Buy a fire pit. However, though, if the budget is tight, but then if the budget is tight, do you really want people, you know, rolling the dice on a fire pit?

• 10:09Speaker 04

  No.

• 10:10Speaker 03

  No, it's like, you know, I find Christmas presents when you're grownups are people very hard to, to, to get.

• 10:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  Do you, I, we don't really do presents for like grownup brothers and sisters and stuff like that. I'll get my mum and dad something, but not really adults.

• 10:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  It's a what? I'd rather loads of silly little banter presents in a bit, but, but to be fair, the way we do it is if there's something that we sort of want for the house or wanna do, we'll just put that down as a Christmas present. Like the fire pit.

• 10:39Speaker 04

  That's the true spirit of Christmas, isn't it?

• 10:43Speaker 04

  That morning's re-plastering, put it down as a Christmas present.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  Or what we do is experiences. So, but what happens is.

• 10:50Speaker 04

  Hand to work.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Lou will get me like a voucher for something, but then we'll be too busy to use it. And then like the third week of November, we're both getting a massage somewhere.

• 11:00Speaker 04

  Back to back.

• 11:01Speaker 03

  Come on. You can't do that joke twice, back to back episodes.

• 11:05Speaker 04

  So, uh, you were getting a fire pit.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  Well, that's what, yeah, I think that'd be nice.

• 11:10Speaker 04

  My leg things.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  You're getting your leg compressions, I'm getting a fire pit, but I want, there's a fire pit, I can't remember what they're called, they're like, select stove, I think, where basically it's smokeless, so it's fire from wood. But there's the, the, the way the air circulates the bulb, cause most fire pits are just like a metal bowl. I've got a big metal rusty bowl, right?

• 11:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, and that's about my arse. Let me talk about my fire pit.

• 11:35Speaker 03

  Just high five myself. Um, and basically all that happens there is loads of smoke, massive awkward, and this thing looks a bit more shiny and neat, uh, and it's smokeless apparently.

• 11:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 11:46Speaker 03

  Cause the smoke's the problem, isn't it? Everyone just stinks of that.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  But isn't the smoke the nice smell?

• 11:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, but not to the extreme of just like open fire wood, but then how do you make smoke disappear just with a metal bottom?

• 11:59Speaker 03

  Hmm? Hello?

• 12:01Speaker 04

  Come on now.

• 12:01Speaker 03

  Chance to be a fine thing. That's always a good saying, isn't it? That gets used a lot. Chance to be a fine thing, but I don't know where, I always know to say, but I never feel like I'm using it right. Chance to be a fine thing.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  When would you say that in a sentence or a joke?

• 12:16Speaker 04

  Uh, you'd say, um, you, you and Lou gonna, um.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  Are you taking Lou up Snowdon? I'm going on Wales on holiday for a hiking holiday. You taking Lou up Snowdon? Chance to be a fine thing.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly.

• 12:27Speaker 03

  That's that now, for that, yeah.

• 12:29Speaker 04

  I would never say the phrase, are you taking Lou up Snowdon?

• 12:33Speaker 03

  You take, well, no, but I'm trying to, what would you say?

• 12:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, me and Lou, um.

• 12:38Speaker 03

  Don't let me put things in your mouth. Chance to be a fine thing.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  Oh, chance to be a fine thing.

• 12:48Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  But yeah, I think that might have been a bit on the nose.

• 12:52Speaker 04

  Chance to be on the nose.

• 12:53Speaker 03

  I don't think that.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  And then the other thing my mum always used to say is if like someone was like cooking, I think I've told this before, and say, pa, oh, can you pass me that cucumber? Like, I'm making a salad. My mum would pick it up and it would look phallic and she'd go, oh, I think I know him.

• 13:09Speaker 04

  Oh, shit.

• 13:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's quite punchy, isn't it?

• 13:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's good.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  And then if it was something smaller, she would go like, oh, I definitely know him. And then like, look at my dad.

• 13:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  Horrible, actually. I'll be childhood memories. Yeah, very ability, but yeah, but then my dad.

• 13:24Speaker 04

  What do you think of, um, as the actress said to the bishop?

• 13:30Speaker 04

  That's, that's a good one.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  So why does that, where does that come from? So, well, basically actresses are saucy, basically towards the bishop.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Is it that the actress is having an affair with the bishop, right? The actress and the bishop are fucking.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  Okay, that, that, and that's, so, but then what word, what sentence would you say before that?

• 13:47Speaker 04

  So you'd be like, um, you'd be like trying to get the seatbelt in and you go.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  I can't get in.

• 13:54Speaker 04

  In the hole. Oh, is the actress.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 03

  The other one as well is when someone farts and they go, oh, new shoes, vicar.

• 14:02Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  But that's more like you don't embarrass the vicar, so you assume that the fart's his new shoes.

• 14:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:09Speaker 04

  New shoes, vicar.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  New shoes, vicar. This is fun. This feels like a, the spin off of Great British Banter.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Just gentle little fun chat after the main event of whoever's on the episode.

• 14:22Speaker 04

  It pretends to be a podcast, but it's actually just a cheap TV show, this one.

• 14:26Speaker 03

  They've got to stop, they have. The point of podcasts is it's a fucking wreck, not cameras everywhere.

• 14:31Speaker 04

  Um, so.

• 14:34Speaker 04

  Um. Talk to me.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  You talk to me?

• 14:40Speaker 04

  Okay. Um, the thing is, like, a lot of the things I've been interested in the last week.

• 14:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:48Speaker 04

  Are football, so that's saved for Monday.

• 14:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 14:51Speaker 04

  That's fine.

• 14:52Speaker 03

  You're not seeing your children because you're working too much. How's the guilt?

• 14:56Speaker 04

  No, no, no, I am seeing my children, but the, the, it's only been forty eight hours since we last recorded the podcast. This is the fourth parenting hell in forty eight hours. So to still have childhood anecdotes, child, child anecdotes they haven't used yet would be insane at this stage.

• 15:17Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, by the way, I took my children to Legoland. Did I not mention that? Do you know what I mean? Like.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  You did that after school Monday, didn't you?

• 15:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I'm thinking of going on the pumpkin express.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  As the actress said to the bishop.

• 15:33Speaker 04

  Chance to be a fine lady.

• 15:41Speaker 03

  What's the pumpkin express?

• 15:43Speaker 04

  She's got an email from South Devon Railway, which is like the, the, um, like the kind of little steam railway, not little, it's steam railway.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  But not your normal commuter one, it's the steam one.

• 15:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  All aboard the enchanted pumpkin express to the rare breeds farm.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  What's, what's the rare breeds farm?

• 16:00Speaker 04

  Chance to be a fine thing.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  That's no, that doesn't work.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  They're rare breeding.

• 16:07Speaker 03

  What's the reds breed, what's the rare breeds farm in Devon?

• 16:11Speaker 04

  I suppose it's like a horse.

• 16:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, was it people, it was just people outside the gene pool that live there.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  This one's come down from London.

• 16:19Speaker 04

  Here you go. Enjoy a reserved seat on a scenic journey, journey through the countryside.

• 16:24Speaker 03

  That sounds nice.

• 16:25Speaker 04

  Explore the farm, meet the animals, visit the seasonal pumpkin patch, handpick your own pumpkin.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  That's a great day out.

• 16:31Speaker 04

  I've never done the handpick of the own pumpkin. It's such a big deal these days, isn't it? Going for a pumpkin field.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  I, I, it passes me by a bit, uh, uh, October, cause I, I find as well, I go to a shop wanting to buy a pumpkin, but they're normally shit. All massive. And I'm like, I'm not taking a massive pumpkin home. Do you know what I mean? I've not got the bag for it.

• 16:52Speaker 04

  Do you ever, do you Lou ever, you know, hollow out a pumpkin and leave all the, leave all the good stuff on the side to make it to see?

• 17:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, then we fuck.

• 17:03Speaker 04

  Then you fuck.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, there you go. It's ruined the game. Completely ruined the game.

• 17:07Speaker 04

  Do you and Lou ever dress up for Halloween?

• 17:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, she's an actress and I'm a bishop.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Um, no, well.

• 17:18Speaker 04

  Quite a difficult outfit, an actress. It really depends what role they're playing.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course, because anything.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Or like Shakespeare, but then like a Shakespearean actress, do women have roughs?

• 17:30Speaker 04

  Um. Chance to be a fine thing.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Nah.

• 17:34Speaker 04

  That doesn't work.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  No, no, I don't think, I don't think one has worked.

• 17:40Speaker 04

  That's so fun.

• 17:41Speaker 03

  But I think we've really now got to just hold off until one really works and it will have much more impact.

• 17:49Speaker 03

  It'll have much more impact.

• 17:50Speaker 04

  If you're, I keep seeing an eye of gold and I'm just swinging for it. That's the problem.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Oh, as the actress.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  I want it too much. I'm forcing it through.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  I'm just forcing it through too hard. Oh, as the actress.

• 18:18Speaker 03

  You've got to deliver it, Ben, as well. Oh, chance to be a fine thing.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  It's so fucking hard.

• 18:27Speaker 04

  Coffee gone in the air.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  Coffee's got me. Anyway, right. Well, should we do some correspondence?

• 18:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  She wants to see our inbox.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Shop Black Friday appliance savings and get up to an extra $1,250 off select appliance purchases like GE Profile. Plus, free delivery on appliance purchases of $398 or more. Make life easier with the fridge that doubles as your personal kitchen assistant. Or upgrade your laundry room with the Ultra Fresh Vent System Plus Front Load Washer. So your clothes stay fresh after every single wash. Shop Black Friday appliance savings with fast free delivery at The Home Depot. Offer valid November 4th through December 2nd at participating stores and at homedepot.com. US only. See store online for details.

• 19:18Speaker 02

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• 19:48Speaker 06

  From the creators of Zootopia and Frozen comes Disney's Hext. Welcome to Hext and enter the world of witches, where it was foretold that an ordinary girl would become an extraordinary witch and save the world of magic. Disney's Hext arrives in theaters this Thanksgiving.

• 20:11Speaker 03

  Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Fucking hell. My stomach hurts.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  Oh, right. Oh, right. Let's just, let's just fucking grind it out and get this done. That's the entrance.

• 20:42Speaker 03

  Right, go on.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 20:48Speaker 03

  Horses' ashes question.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  Oh, right. I've just been listening to episode 18, where you discussed horses' ashes. I've had two horses in the past who are sadly no longer with us. I can confirm there is a lot of ashes when they are returned. They come in a massive box.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Charles, they come in a massive box and it takes two people to carry them. I didn't know what on earth to do with them, so kept both boxes of ashes at my parents' house. The problem is, they take up a lot of room and I kept in a room that is a playroom for the children. That inadvertently doubles up as a pet cemetery with multiple dog ashes also stored in there. No one knows what to do with the ashes. The children get to question it, but there's still time. Claire, 483 months from Tunbridge in Kent. Now, I think people feel too guilty to get rid of the ashes, but surely with a dog, I don't know, or maybe

• 21:56Speaker 03

  a horse, a favourite walk you did with a dog, surely you just do a little bit on that loop is the best way to do dogs' ashes.

• 22:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  Horses, again, if it's a long hack, but it's that two people are carrying it. It's just, it's a long walk with two people on both ends of it.

• 22:12Speaker 04

  Are the ashes good for the ground?

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Are ashes good for the ground?

• 22:17Speaker 04

  Like, is it gonna kill your grass? If you spread ashes in a paddock, a horse's ashes in a paddock, is that gonna?

• 22:26Speaker 03

  Can, can ashes kill grass? Yep, they can kill ashes, can kill grass if applied too heavily, as they're highly alkaline and act like concentrated salt or fertilizer that burns plant tissue. Oh, my God. There's a scorching effect. Can we have, let us know the weirdest or maddest places you've spread ashes, and if it's gone well or badly, human or pet, please send them in.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  I'm gonna set you a little game in a sec, Rob, but first, how are you sexy and relatable people? I would hope Josh has seen this absolute golden piece of internet history, but he may have not. This is show Josh the internet.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:05Speaker 04

  Okay, I'm gonna click to watch it now, Rob.

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Let me have, I'll have a look, watch as well.

• 23:09Speaker 04

  Which one of you took a shat? Oh, yeah, yeah, I have seen this.

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Play it out for us, Josh.

• 23:15Speaker 05

  Hello, by, show ride, oh, Rebecca G, babe. And don't forget, on the tour, we got, oh, the son of a not know how we flush the toilet after they've had a shat. Well, I was fucking wondering, yes. Disgusting.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  Disgusting.

• 23:36Speaker 04

  That's a classic.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  That's insane, though, isn't it? I mean, is, I'm, you know, in defence of that mother, I'm sure she's been under a lot of pressure and threats, but one would argue it's not the best way to, you know.

• 23:46Speaker 04

  No, no.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  The kids are having so much fun in that room.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  Lots of love, Amy from Bulldog.

• 23:53Speaker 03

  She's left a number. Shall I ring her?

• 23:55Speaker 04

  Well, this is what I was gonna say, Rob.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  I've got, yeah, go on.

• 23:59Speaker 04

  And you've got to get one of those phrases in without her noticing.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Hi, if you record your name and reason for calling, I'll see if this person is available.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  Oh, it's very official, isn't it? Very stern. Oh, hello, it's Rob Beckett here. You've not answered your call, Amy from Bulldog, and, um.

• 24:19Speaker 04

  Say chance, but as the actress.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Bulldog, as the actress said to the bishop. Bye. It's harder to do on a voicemail, isn't it? That was my chance, I balled, and I fumbled, but you came in. Hi, Josh, Rob and Sexy producer Michael, long time listener, emailing for the first time while I am nap-trapped by my four-month-old baby Elliot. I remember that. You can't go anywhere. Your whole life is dictated by a nap. Do you want to come round for lunch? Can't really, he's got a nap. What time? Between one and four? That's the whole day ruined. In my, in my parents' house, until recently, you could not have the kettle and the oven on at the same time, as it would trip the electrics.

• 25:00Speaker 04

  Great, great, great.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  This was a problem for about 15 years, as someone would inevitably turn the kettle on while the oven was on, making dinner, or it was especially a nightmare at family events such as Christmas dinner. In a house with many tea, coffee drinkers, there was often high demand for the kettle, so the workaround was to turn the oven off while putting, putting on the kettle. However, this often led to the oven being forgotten to be put back on. Over the years, there have been many meals ruined by the oven forgetting to be put back on, and it once made a turkey inedible. One year, we even put the kettle in the garage, so whenever anyone wanted a cup of tea, they had to go outside. This was particularly problematic for my dad, who I've only ever seen him drink tea. I said, only drink, only drink, he's like you, Josh, only drinks tea.

• 25:43Speaker 04

  No, I drink a lot of fizzy water.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  Okay, sorry. Didn't know you say rock and roll. Apologies. This temporary, permanent issue has lasted for around 15 years, until my parents got their kitchen done about two years ago. Sophie in Newcastle. Oh, see, I bet that was an easy fix. Just an electrician for the day.

• 26:00Speaker 04

  I think an electrician could sort that, but they're expensive, electricians. They are expensive.

• 26:05Speaker 03

  So is turkey, and they've not.

• 26:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, true.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  Is it what's just saying, spend?

• 26:10Speaker 04

  Well, I think the answer to that, Rob, is you, when the, when the oven is on, boil the cat, boil the water in a, in a disorpan.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. Or plug the kettle into a power bank. But when the kettle was on, so is anything that was plugged on the side would trip the oven, is that?

• 26:29Speaker 04

  No, it must be that the kettle is, kettles are high surge, aren't they?

• 26:34Speaker 04

  Because there's always the news story of when there's a popular piece of television, the surge of kettles afterwards.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  So it's just the kettle that did it. Try new kettle.

• 26:46Speaker 04

  The kettle must be higher than a TV, for instance.

• 26:49Speaker 03

  Because of the immediate power it needs to fire up the heat.

• 26:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know how it works.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  I've got another one here. I felt sure you wanted to see the champagne cork acting as our toilet flush button. A simple and elegant temporary solution has lasted close to 10 years.

• 27:05Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  It always gets comments from visitors, which we choose to use as a compliment.

• 27:09Speaker 04

  Oh, that is good.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Rachel, long time listener from New Zealand. That looks good, actually. That's quite funky, actually. You could argue.

• 27:14Speaker 04

  That is good. That is good.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  See, that's a temporary fix. It just doesn't need to be changed because it's got a bit of character to it. But the oven kettle thing seems like a lot of our graft.

• 27:24Speaker 04

  Totally agree, Rob. Totally agree. Do you like champagne, Rob?

• 27:29Speaker 03

  I do, but actually too much of it is too sugary, makes me burp, and I get a really bad headache. But I like a glass, you know, a glass of it, but if I go too hard on it. I had a particularly terrible night on champagne. When I worked in an events company, got invited to an event, we had unlimited champagne. I drank probably five bottles and had no dinner and just ate green olives. And when I come home, I had the fizziest, froffiest green sick. It was awful. Looked like I'd sucked off the Incredible Hulk.

• 28:01Speaker 04

  Chance to everyone, though.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  He's just angry enough. Come on, mate. I'm here for Hulk, not Eric. Is it Eric or Bruce?

• 28:14Speaker 04

  One of the actor and the character got the same surname, but I haven't watched it because I'm not a fucking child.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  So when I was at uni, the first year, I had a guy I lived with who had three films on VHS, we had a VHS player. And he'd watch them on repeat, probably each one once a week.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  And they were Stand By Me.

• 28:44Speaker 03

  Good film.

• 28:44Speaker 04

  Good film.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  Very good film.

• 28:45Speaker 04

  Good film. Me, Myself and Irene.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  Good film? Solid?

• 28:50Speaker 04

  Not, not Thirty Times. And Coyote Ugly.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  I've never seen that. Is that the one where they'll dance in the bar, the ladies?

• 28:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, John Goodman's the dad. I've seen it 25 times, probably.

• 29:03Speaker 03

  And you just, you just watched that on repeat?

• 29:05Speaker 04

  Hello, guys. Recently, you asked for stories about rubbish hotels. I travel a bit with work like yourselves. And I once walked into a very basic hotel room and closed the door to this sign.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  Fortunately, I was only there for one night. So it says Home Office, HM Prison Service Industries and Farms. The furniture in this bedroom is manufactured by Prison Industries.

• 29:28Speaker 03

  What, what? It looks, I've got the sign. It looks very official, like it was, it's just something you'd have in a prison, which isn't that welcoming for a hotel room. And two, why do we need to know? Because if you are trying to say, if the furniture's really good, maybe have a nice little business card saying, but that, that puts me off wanting to buy it. But it might be good furniture.

• 29:51Speaker 04

  Yeah. Have you stayed in the Oxford Malmaison, I think it is, which is a prison?

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Well, not a prison now, but was a prison. No.

• 30:00Speaker 04

  No, it was a prison. So it's got that kind of setting where all the rooms come out into that active kind of hall, big hall thing that prisons have. Can I ask, how do you think you?

• 30:13Speaker 03

  How would I do in prison? Well.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  What's your tactic?

• 30:17Speaker 03

  My tactic is.

• 30:19Speaker 04

  Are you going in hard?

• 30:20Speaker 03

  Am I going in as me or am I going as me as long as I'm like 18? Like, because I'm going as a famous person.

• 30:25Speaker 04

  There's a situation where you unknowingly have been caught up in a kind of, and it's fallen on you.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Right. Okay. So I mean, so I'm not in with dangerous, dangerous people.

• 30:37Speaker 04

  No, no, but you're, I've read Boris Becker's book. That's kind of what happened to him.

• 30:42Speaker 03

  So was he not?

• 30:44Speaker 04

  No, for the first six months, he was in a proper prison.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  Right. I think I'm basically.

• 30:50Speaker 04

  I think where even if you do end up in an open prison, you always have to do the initial period in a terrible prison.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  So my technique is I'm going in and I'm going to try and speak to the prison guards and get them on side.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  A snitch. No, no, no. No, but just say to them, look, I need to survive this. Obviously, like, please help me survive.

• 31:12Speaker 04

  You're just the leader for the nation.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  For the nation. People need love, you know? Just think, you know, if while I'm in here, memes aren't getting made.

• 31:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 03

  You know, there's not, you know, podcasts aren't getting recorded. Um, I would speak to prison guard and go, look, mate, who do I need to get on side on the wing? And is it a good idea trying to pay them to look after me? And just find the biggest, I would go, look, mate, if I, if I survive, if I've survived.

• 31:38Speaker 04

  Show that you're willing to pay.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:41Speaker 04

  You're gonna get.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, I am willing to pay.

• 31:42Speaker 04

  They're just gonna rinse you. They're gonna absolutely rinse you.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, but.

• 31:47Speaker 04

  Tough.

• 31:48Speaker 03

  No, I'll just go, look, if I, if I walk out of here in six months' time and no one's laid a finger on me and I've been left alone just to do my time in peace, read my books,

• 31:58Speaker 03

  I'll pay 10 grand. That's what I'm doing.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  I don't know if it's a good idea or not.

• 32:05Speaker 04

  Mate, you're paying me 10 grand a day because I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  And I'll go, I haven't got that much money. So you can either beat the shit out of me and get no money, or don't beat the shit out of me and get 10 grand.

• 32:18Speaker 04

  Okay. So that's what you're gonna do. You're gonna offer to buy yourself out of the situation.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  I think that's the only way. I'm not gonna have to fight my way out.

• 32:24Speaker 04

  That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go in the first day, I'm gonna knock out the hardest guy.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, but then when they go, you've got, they always go, you've got to go in prison and show that you're not scared, right? So if you do that, right? And like someone comes in and goes, like starts like slapping me about and I go like piss off and push him back and the fight starts. What happens next is I get beaten up. Now, once I've been beaten up, what point have I proved? What, do you know what I mean? It's like, it's insane because I'm like, well, I'm, I'm gonna show I can't be, can't be bullied about. No, I've just shown that I can be bullied about. Even if I put up a fight, I'll still get bullied about. So I don't know what, if anyone's been to prison for something fairly minor, through fraud or stuff like that, and found themselves with dangerous violent people, let us know your technique.

• 33:09Speaker 04

  What's the best thing to do if we go to?

• 33:11Speaker 03

  What's the best thing to do? Because I always think sometimes, like, I'm a law-abiding citizen, but you can always maybe get caught up in something or a rush of blood to the head and you do something crazy for emotion.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  Or you could get framed.

• 33:21Speaker 03

  Or you get framed. I just thought, imagine being in court and they go, right, yeah, you're being sentenced now. You're going down for two years. I should be like, come on, not really though, is it? Not actually. Not me.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  Got, I've got to go to prison. Come on.

• 33:38Speaker 04

  It's a good feel like something that had happened to me.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  Come on. Normally get a bit like little rubber to green. I'm a good guy. People seem to like me. Even if they don't, they still employ me. So, yeah, I think I'd have to do that. I'd have to just patiently try and pay off.

• 33:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  I'd be scrabbling around as well for anyone that I know from my actual life when, leading up to the trial, that may have been a bit dodgy in the past and go, who do you know and who can help me?

• 34:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:09Speaker 03

  And just try and pay for, I think the only way forward is paying for protection.

• 34:12Speaker 04

  So you don't think you could do it by force of personality?

• 34:14Speaker 03

  Force of personality? Well, just like, I'll be doing that as well. I'm not gonna have this security then wander around slapping people on the head and going, yeah, and what? I'm still gonna be trying to make them laugh, trying to be like, I'll be telling them a few stories, you know what I mean? Get them on side, make loads of stuff up.

• 34:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  When I was selling my house, my old flat, when I was, I was doing the walk around, this is years ago.

• 34:37Speaker 04

  You're doing the walk arounds?

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. So we sold it on a online thing where they basically do all the admin and then go, on Saturday, you've got eight people coming to view, one at 10, and do all that. And they give you the schedule and then you need to be there to let them in. And you can do as much as little, but you have to be there and go, right, that's that and show them each room, right? So I did, I just started to make it. I just like, because I've done a bit of telly. I just started going, oh, yes, you know, I'm making loads of stories of like famous people that had been there.

• 35:05Speaker 03

  Just made it up. It was fun. I was like, yeah, you know, because I thought like.

• 35:08Speaker 04

  Well, it surprised when it was you.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  Some were, some weren't, some were. It was a real mix of people. Where we were is out in South East London. There's a lot of posho kids that are just getting a sort of flat bought for them by their parents. Also, you're way more interested in the, uh, flat you're buying than the person with that. But I was, when a couple of people that did, I was just like, yeah, because what was a nice little story, but I've ruined that now. They listen. If they, I don't think they bought it though.

• 35:32Speaker 04

  They won't still be there.

• 35:35Speaker 01

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• 36:06Speaker 02

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• 36:37Speaker 06

  From the creators of Zootopia and Frozen comes Disney's Hext. Welcome to Hext and enter the world of witches, where it was foretold that an ordinary girl would become an extraordinary witch and save the world of magic. Disney's Hext arrives in theaters this Thanksgiving.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Shall we do another bit of correspondence where we go?

• 37:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, go on.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  Right, that's really long. Get an Alfred by an in-law. Hi, Rob Joshua Michael, long time listener. We're no kids of my own, but baby due in roughly two months' time. My Alfred by my father-in-law story begins when my now-wife and I first got together and almost immediately started living together due to lockdown restrictions. I'm a music teacher as a job.

• 37:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  One of my instruments happens to be guitar. And whilst practising one day, my wife said, "My dad plays guitar. He used to be in bands back in his day. He especially loves the Eagles. He'd love to hear you play when you can all me up someday."

• 37:37Speaker 04

  Oh, no. Oh, no.

• 37:38Speaker 03

  This gave me a great in with my then-girlfriend's dad. I practised the complete solo to Hotel California for ages.

• 37:46Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 37:46Speaker 03

  This is a bit much. This is, I think, you can have the guitar out and have a little jam, but practising...

• 37:52Speaker 04

  We've discussed this. I think anyone that's not a professional guitarist who plays the guitar is...

• 37:56Speaker 03

  Yes. Thinking about the day I could play it for him and hopefully blow his socks off. Months went by and we were finally out of lockdown and my day came. We went over for dinner and a couple of drinks. The guitar came out and I played a rendition of Hotel California, the guitar solo, and I was extremely chuffed with it. There was a moment's silence. We looked to him in expectation and all he said was, "Yeah, I've never really liked that song. Not enough vocal harmonies." What an insane...

• 38:23Speaker 04

  Come on, mate.

• 38:24Speaker 03

  I mean, also, there's two nutters at this table. A man that's brought his own guitar to do an entire guitar solo of Hotel California. If you play the guitar...

• 38:34Speaker 04

  No, is he not doing it on the dad's guitar?

• 38:37Speaker 03

  Okay, well, if you've taken the guitar, you're a wanker. If the dad's giving you the guitar, fair enough. That's your chance, because he's got...

• 38:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, so you go, "Oh, I've...

• 38:47Speaker 03

  Strassercaster460. Is that a Gibson?

• 38:50Speaker 04

  Well, let me have a go. Oh, wait a minute. Does anyone recognise this?

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Anyway, I was utterly crushed and spent the rest of the evening cursing all those misspent practice sessions. We're now married and I've come to realise he's pessimistic...

• 39:04Speaker 03

  We're now married and I've come to realise he's a pessimistic twat about anything he can't do himself. So lesson learned, I guess.

• 39:13Speaker 04

  Amazing.

• 39:13Speaker 03

  Much of say sexy related with Kyle. Now, I think I'm on Kyle's side here. He's obviously been given the dad's guitar. He got annoyed that he couldn't do the guitar solo. He's done it and... Well, how would you feel?

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Not if, but when your daughter brings a partner home and they're better than you at something. I'd be happy. I want my children to be with someone that's better than me.

• 39:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, good. Yeah, totally. So let's put it this way, Rob. Your daughter comes home. Yeah. You have dinner and then he goes, "Sorry." Is that a podcast, Mike?

• 39:47Speaker 03

  Yes, it is, Isaac.

• 39:49Speaker 04

  Do you know what I can do? I could just knock you out a podcast about what's going on in football this week, if you want. And then he takes the podcast...

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Picks the mic up, yeah?

• 39:59Speaker 04

  Picks the mic up and he does 50 minutes on the week.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Of absolutely tick-top nostalgia-reference-based current football banter.

• 40:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, he gets a couple of guests on. He is superb.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  I'd say 50 minutes, I'd get a bit bored, because he's Michael, they're live editing it.

• 40:20Speaker 04

  He doesn't need to. It's that good.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  He doesn't need it. Blimey, that is good. Or he picks a mic and just does loads of it. It'll be a chance. Chance would be a fine thing, but actually don't make sense.

• 40:32Speaker 04

  But it's a bit too much because it's about your daughter, so I mean, you do...

• 40:38Speaker 03

  Do you want another helping, love? Chance would be a fine thing. Whoa, Isaac, back off. We all like a bit of wordplay, but that's my daughter.

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Well, it's weird though guitar, is it? No one else does that and plays at them. No one goes, "Oh, my dad's a mathematician. I'll do a bit of maths and does an equation in front of him. You do puns. You go, "Oh, you're a comedian. I like having a laugh as well." And then just do loads of puns.

• 41:00Speaker 04

  Yeah. How would you feel if your daughter brought home a golfer and then you go out onto the golf course and he's unrelentingly destroying you?

• 41:09Speaker 03

  I don't mind that, genuinely, because I've had a bit of a realisation with golf.

• 41:13Speaker 04

  When he's taking it really seriously.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  Handicaps and men that actually competitively play and take it serious, I find really icky and embarrassing. Because when I play far side football, I cannot tell you what the score is. I don't know what's going on. I don't really, like, I know the people in bibs I've got a pass to and I'll try and score a goal and have fun in each moment. I'm not going, "Bro, yes, we won 10-9." But in golf, they do that and I'm like, "Does it matter?" So I would, I'd quite like it, actually, if someone's quite good at golf, but that... But what annoys me when someone's really good at golf is when they get angry and it's not gone perfect. And I just think, "Come on, you're ruining this for me because I'm so shit and I'm happy." To see you used to be so good and be unhappy, it's just depressing. You're not enjoying your life, mate.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  I take so much pleasure from being average at most things. And it's liberating.

• 42:05Speaker 04

  Well, to be not very good at something is joyful.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it's getting slightly better, slightly worse.

• 42:10Speaker 04

  How can I make this into a thing?

• 42:12Speaker 03

  So, no, I wouldn't be, if they was good at golf. I'd struggle if my daughter's partner started just doing puns all the time. That I'd find difficult. But guitar's weird. It's the only thing that people feel like they can just whip out and have a go on.

• 42:26Speaker 04

  Oh, gosh. Oh, God. Or the piano. Sometimes people just sit and have a tinkle in the old ivory.

• 42:32Speaker 03

  Talking of tinkling the old ivory, so on a shagger story?

• 42:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, go on.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Hi, Rob Joshua Michael. I have a third-party playground shagger story that involves a member of my family, which calls Carnage. Thankfully, I'm not involved. Please keep me anonymous. To set the scene, once by the time, a relative in my family, let's call him James, had a beautiful wife. Let's call her Jasmine. They were the stereotypical perfect family. Two children, he was very successful and she was a schoolteacher. Jasmine came from a strict religious family, so what was to come was pure entertainment for those not directly affected. Out of nowhere, it came to light that Jasmine was having an affair. This rocked the family. However, the final details were simply incredible.

• 43:17Speaker 03

  Jasmine had been having an affair with none other than the female head teacher at her school. Let's call her...

• 43:27Speaker 04

  Here we go.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  Mrs. Shagger. Deputy of head. Like that? Mrs. Shagger. It was a school she was working at and also the same school the children attended.

• 43:40Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 43:41Speaker 03

  You can't be fucking the lesbian head teacher, Jasmine. Not at your kid's school, where you teach. It wasn't done yet. Jasmine and James divorced and Jasmine proceeded to start a relationship with Mrs. Shagger. Mrs. Shagger, the head teacher, was now step-mummy.

• 43:57Speaker 04

  Oh, my word.

• 43:58Speaker 03

  This is tough for the kids.

• 44:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  James clearly took this personally and plotted his revenge, getting very friendly to the point where he then started sleeping with Mrs. Shagger's ex-wife.

• 44:12Speaker 04

  Oh, my word.

• 44:13Speaker 03

  Two sets, two new relationships. However, shockingly, this did not last. Jasmine and Mrs. Shagger are still happily together, however, James is no longer with the ex-wife of Mrs. Shagger. I dread to think of the extracurricular activities that went on at the school, but sadly, I'm no privy to that knowledge. All the best and keep shagging.

• 44:32Speaker 04

  Beyond this, there is a, there's a hierarchy problem as well. Someone's sleeping, the head shouldn't be sleeping with someone.

• 44:43Speaker 03

  No, no, that's, so there's two issues here, lots of issues. They should never be sleeping with an employee in your business. It's a power thing.

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  And also, and you have an affair with, like, there's children in the school and there's another parent involved.

• 44:59Speaker 04

  It's not ideal in so many ways.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  I just love, really do respect, though, James hunting out the ex-lesbian partner of the head teacher for a shag.

• 45:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, good on him.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Can you imagine?

• 45:10Speaker 04

  Good on him.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  Obviously, overall, it's probably a bad decision, as he said, you know, before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves and it's no good, but can you imagine the day after shagging the lesbian head teacher's ex-girlfriend, when he walked into that pub with his mates?

• 45:27Speaker 04

  But he still, do you know what? He'd have still felt empty.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  I enjoyed that.

• 45:31Speaker 04

  Fourth podcast in 48 hours. Fifth, if you include the football.

• 45:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I've done three panel shows as well.

• 45:38Speaker 04

  You've done three panel shows. And I've done a TV show and an office run-through. It's been a tiring start to the week.

• 45:47Speaker 03

  Loved it, though. Josh, I'll see you next time.

• 45:49Speaker 04

  See you later.

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