S13 EP31: King of the Buffer

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. And now Footballing Hell is also available every Monday. A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Observe. The North American Dad. 50s. Great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, dang, that's a good offer. The highest form of approval. No haggling, no hassle. No one called him boss. He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with.

• 0:36Speaker 02

  Eevee, say, Rob Beckett.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  Beckett.

• 0:42Speaker 03

  Beckett.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  And Josh?

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Widdicombe.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  Rob Beckett?

• 0:53Speaker 02

  And Josh Widdicombe?

• 0:56Speaker 02

  He's funny. Is he funny?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  There we go. Cute laugh. Fucking dogshit introduction.

• 1:05Speaker 04

  Really boring.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  If you're new to this, I don't even know who's hosting it. Do you know what I mean? I mean, like, yeah, I get it. Your baby's cute, but this, we need this as a.

• 1:13Speaker 04

  This is top level podcasting.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  This is a functional part of the show. We need.

• 1:17Speaker 04

  You think Steve Bartlett would part with that?

• 1:18Speaker 01

  No, he wouldn't. But do you know what he would do? He'd call all these children in, line them all up, film them, then do an example trial reel on Instagram and then whichever baby was the best, they would pick and the rest would be sent home. And that's why he's a successful guy.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  Huel, I'm going with you rather than Mercedes.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  He's chugging a Huel, he's raring to go, and that's why that guy earns more money than us. But will I be able to sleep at night? No, but that's for other reasons.

• 1:47Speaker 04

  Hi, Rob, Josh and Sexy Michael. This is 19 month old Eevee having a crack at your names. My husband and I have been silent listeners, i.e. never written in, since I fell pregnant with our eldest Luca in 2022. My favourite time of day is walking home from work, earphones in, laughing silently to myself as I listen along, probably looking like an absolute weirdo to pass by. Stay sexually related with Natalie, 398 months.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you very much, Natalie.

• 2:12Speaker 04

  Fell pregnant is an interesting phrase, isn't it?

• 2:16Speaker 01

  So is that you fall onto an ejaculating penis and then conceive? You trip. Ooh.

• 2:22Speaker 04

  That's.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Nah, bit of fun. We can't do all the clever stuff. You've got to have a bit of Route One stuff.

• 2:27Speaker 04

  It is a bit of fun, obviously.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Is my lighting okay? Or do you want me to bit my light on me? What do you reckon? I can do this.

• 2:34Speaker 04

  Oh, that's less.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Is that nicer?

• 2:38Speaker 04

  You're a bit of a floating head.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, because I've got this black curtain. I feel like I need something to hang on that. I had a black top on, but then I thought, oh, I don't want to be all black. So I've put on this blue Melbourne top that they sent me. Melbourne are on tour at the moment.

• 2:51Speaker 04

  Are they? Are you going?

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Well, I wanted to, but I can't because I'm hosting a corporate.

• 2:55Speaker 04

  Listen, lad, always the way.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  I'll be giving out an award for best marketing manager at the same time as they're hitting into the rollout the barrel. They sent me a medium and luckily this shot cuts off my tits because at the moment I look like I could breastfeed eight kids.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  If we did have a subscription element, you'd be able to see the tits.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Michael, if I creep, how difficult is it for you to pixelate me if I on camera just show my tits, but you pixelate it?

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Well, it's not too difficult.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Right, should we just do that? It'd be quite funny. We're just a.

• 3:28Speaker 00

  Very underwhelming.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then the pixelating will look funny.

• 3:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  All right, what do you want that?

• 3:35Speaker 04

  Oh, yes, please.

• 3:40Speaker 04

  Loved it.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  My skin was so light that the camera had to readjust when the blue t-shirt went back onto my body.

• 3:46Speaker 04

  Speak as a man who has a perm at hand at the moment, that is a.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  You looked stunning on Saturday, your little tan.

• 3:52Speaker 04

  You should have seen me on Friday, Rob. It was problematic.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  Was that Ross in Friends?

• 3:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  So this is the spray tan you get for Strictly?

• 4:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  I imagine though, as the series progresses, you are building a base level.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, that's what.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Most people don't get one months a week.

• 4:10Speaker 04

  They don't, they don't.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Certainly not a 40 year old man from Exeter.

• 4:14Speaker 04

  Forty-three.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  That is so mental, your job. Is that just pop up to her? Quick tan. Couple of links. Stick Shirley Ballas in a bin. Let's go.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  I love that, by the way. I don't want to keep blowing smoke up your arse. We are loving the little skits and the jokes of you and Emma. It's so funny.

• 4:31Speaker 04

  Rose sent me, you know, what's that page called on Instagram where it's like your explore page or whatever it's called?

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's got the little chili and it says click link for bio.

• 4:42Speaker 04

  No, it's so it's the things that it's. What? Oh, sorry.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  That's like when they've got an OnlyFans page. You know that?

• 4:48Speaker 04

  That's nice. Sorry. I was caught in whether I was copying or whether I was going to save the photo to my phone.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  I let the kids pick my new phone case.

• 4:55Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  In a sort of, I just want them to love me and like me, Josh. So I sort of agreed to whatever and in a fit of, yeah, I'm a cool dad. I'll just do, you know, why take yourself serious? Yeah, well, it's just a case. Look what they picked.

• 5:12Speaker 04

  How is that working for your pocket?

• 5:14Speaker 01

  It ain't working for the pocket. It's not going in the pocket. Look at you looking at me.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  It's quite good though, because I just pick it up by the leg or the eye. For people that are not watching, it's basically a frog with big orange lips and little.

• 5:28Speaker 04

  It's an alien, isn't it? Or is it a frog?

• 5:31Speaker 01

  I don't know if it's a frog or an alien.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Sorry, I thought it was an alien.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  It looks a bit like an alien, but it's quite good as well, actually, because when I think, because this is my work phone, as we know, I've got two. When I pick it up, I just think, my job's an absolute joke.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Nothing I do matters.

• 5:46Speaker 04

  Okay, Rob. So this is what Rose's page, based on her algorithm on Instagram.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  I can't show you mine. This is her page.

• 5:55Speaker 04

  I want you to take me through it. Do the outside ones first and then do the one in the centre.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Okay, so we've got a sort of cool looking lady in a really nice outfit, walking along the street. Don't know if she's an influencer or fashion. Some cat memes, then it looks like some sort of crafting for Halloween, right hand corner. Then some beautiful shoes and a fancy designer bag, then a sort of big like leopard Jaguar that's actually in someone's house. Looks like a bit of a viral thing. Then really cool illustrations of sort of leopard print cats. You've got Bob Mortimer with a cat on his shoulder. Then you've got another sort of cool outfit on the left and then slap bang in the miserable, in the miserable. I've read that slap bang in the middle is me, where there's been some sort of thumbnail of me looking incredibly intense with I was miserable in capitals underneath

• 6:45Speaker 01

  from when I've done one of those clickbait podcasts.

• 6:48Speaker 04

  So you're banging the centre of Rose's interests.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  I've got nothing to do with anything else.

• 6:53Speaker 04

  Well, Bob Mortimer, I suppose, you're slightly.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then Bob Mortimer's there because he's got a cat on his shoulder. Let's face facts.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  The only reason he's there is the cat's on his shoulder.

• 7:02Speaker 04

  I was miserable, Rob Beckett.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Well, to be fair, the second part of that sentence was, I was getting no pussy. So maybe that's why.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Poor Rose. Oh God, mine's bad.

• 7:13Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. Shall we?

• 7:14Speaker 01

  This is a really fun game to play at the pub, this.

• 7:16Speaker 04

  Oh, it's brutal though, isn't it?

• 7:18Speaker 01

  You go to your search and you can see what you get.

• 7:21Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Do you want to talk you through yours or do each others? Let's fall to them into each other.

• 7:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  That's fun, explaining what the other person's is. This is a really good fun game to play at the pub because you find out who the perverts are.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Okay. Michael, can you do yours as well?

• 7:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, so like.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  This is going to be filmed, isn't it?

• 7:37Speaker 04

  Okay. Do you want to do mine first, Rob?

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Sorry, I'm just texting what time sunset is tomorrow because my neighbour's trying to book a tea time for us.

• 7:45Speaker 04

  Oh, okay. Sorry.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Does sunset mean it's completely dark at quarter past six? Or is when it starts to get dark?

• 7:53Speaker 04

  No, you could still play in sunset, but it'll get, it's when the sun goes behind the.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  That's when it ends.

• 7:59Speaker 04

  And it goes dark pretty quickly about.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, about seven it'll be gone.

• 8:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Right, okay, cool.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Oh, you've got mine too. Talk me through my one.

• 8:09Speaker 04

  Top left is Noel Gallagher celebrating a goal.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  In a Stone Island jacket.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  Stone Island jacket. Then there's some brown leather golf bags.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 8:19Speaker 04

  Then there's Ali G.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  Then there's a woman jogging with, I think it's fair to say, big bosoms.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Yep, and as she runs, they move.

• 8:34Speaker 04

  And let's be very clear, it's got, it's got almost 10 times the views of the Noel Gallagher Stone Island clip.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 8:41Speaker 04

  Then it's a policeman dealing with a skinhead rioter.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 8:45Speaker 04

  Maybe a football fan.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  Maybe. And then, there's no way of saying this otherwise, it's a fit Welsh fan holding a pint of lager in a kind of.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Female for the record. Again, heavily chested.

• 9:01Speaker 04

  Heavily chested. Then it's Tyson Fury boxing.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  To be clear, I've not searched for this. It's been sent to me as options.

• 9:07Speaker 04

  Sent to you, yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 04

  Because of what you linger on.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  Tyson Fury boxing.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 9:14Speaker 04

  And then a Man City fan, is that?

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think with the.

• 9:17Speaker 04

  It looks like, oh, it's actually the same. It's the same riot, but a different clip because the background's the same.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 9:25Speaker 04

  Then two hugely fat boxers facing off.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  Yep, that's separate to the Tyson Fury one.

• 9:30Speaker 04

  And then another clip of that riot.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  I love ci- I love civil disorder.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Yeah. And then Greg James and a woman who's too short, I can't see who she is.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  I don't know what that's.

• 9:45Speaker 04

  I don't know what that is. And then more Man City fans.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, very Man City heavy, that.

• 9:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  And I've got, this one's your one.

• 9:52Speaker 04

  So boring, mine.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Roy Keane talking. We've got a guy on Five Live talking about.

• 9:57Speaker 04

  PMQs.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  PMQs. Then you've got Ian Hissop talking about Broken Britain. Jack Whitehall's dad, sort of probably being bemused by something he actually knows about.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  But you've got. This next one's a low blow for my algorithm.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  From the in-betweeners doing questions about The Office on Mastermind.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  You've got Rory Jennings talking about Man City, the Talksport rage baiter. You've got Jamie Oliver doing Weird Eyes saying, is squirrel the new chicken? When, like, that romesh, don't get yourself dragged down by clip bait stuff, mate. Come on, you're better than that.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  That's on the romesh, no.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  And you've got Jarvis Cocker just saying, hello, I'm good, Jarvis Cocker.

• 10:36Speaker 04

  Do you know what that is?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  You're too good for me. What's that London thing?

• 10:39Speaker 04

  That's just a hit single from the 1980s, but on London records. I don't know what that is.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Then you've got David Mitchell with Bob Mortimer, Roy Keane, and how to be dangerously, what's that?

• 10:50Speaker 04

  I don't know. Good.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  There's Michael send his as well.

• 10:54Speaker 04

  He's slow, quickly deleting.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  He's deleting.

• 10:57Speaker 05

  I'll send it now. I didn't want to send it when you were mid-chat in case it.

• 10:59Speaker 04

  Oh, come on.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah. No, he's quickly searched films, Spielberg.

• 11:05Speaker 04

  Is that a joke?

• 11:05Speaker 05

  No, no, they're genuinely.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Miserable again.

• 11:08Speaker 04

  Is that genuinely?

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Yours is mental.

• 11:10Speaker 04

  Rob Beckett's, I was miserable. So what's this then? Top left, is that a film thing? Why do you do this criteria?

• 11:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, Criterion is like an American nerdy film label.

• 11:22Speaker 04

  Right, then Rob Beckett, I was miserable.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Again, still being miserable on everyone's For You page.

• 11:26Speaker 04

  Someone's like, Taz Toy.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Tasmanian Devil high five with loads of Simpsons merch.

• 11:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Hannah Frye talking.

• 11:34Speaker 04

  Hannah Frye talking about if you get burgled. A home decor thing about why you shouldn't paint things like Ikea. A woman in a yellow dress.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  With a man near her bottom half. That looks a bit perverted, that one.

• 11:50Speaker 04

  A clip of Richard Osman presumably on their podcast saying, remember this for celebrity traitors.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  There's a, there's a long list. Are you watching or not?

• 12:01Speaker 04

  Live size R2-D2. Jack Coin got fired, now he's building the MTV, MTV for his generation. That's because Mike was a media player.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  And then, oh, the unwritten hierarchy of a film set. Fuck off, mate.

• 12:14Speaker 04

  Send us.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  Your Instagram pages if they are as humiliating as possible.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Do you know what? I was happy with mine. Normally mine is literally all women.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  All you have is the Welsh fan and the jogger.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  I don't want it to be all men. Down with the patriarchy.

• 12:29Speaker 04

  Down with the patriarchy. Um, yeah, to be fair, Rob, yours was more diverse than mine. Mine was a lot of white men talking about football.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  I need more females rioting to up my female account.

• 12:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Anyway, I don't know why we got bogged down by that.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  Oh, it's because I sent you that from Rose.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 12:44Speaker 04

  I, Rob, yesterday.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 12:46Speaker 04

  Saw the third largest pumpkin in the world.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Oh, third larg-.

• 12:52Speaker 04

  Too right.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Okay, took me for it.

• 12:54Speaker 04

  There's a place called Dart's Farm near us, which is like a, um, big, nice farm shop, but it also has events and stuff. It's, it's a very, you take your kids there because it's got a big park and all that kind of stuff.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Do you mind if I quickly open my window? Because it's really hot in here.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  I don't mind if you open your window, yeah. Is there a woman with big boobs running past? Do you want to have a quick oggle?

• 13:13Speaker 01

  I wish. No, Lou's gone out.

• 13:15Speaker 04

  It is also, the Instagram thing is absolutely unremittingly accurate because it, no, it's not what you think you're liking is what you're, what you're lingering on.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  No, it's not. It's what they think someone of that demographic wants.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  I don't want that. I have, right. I don't have to say this.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  The amount of big boobed women you've scanned through and just thought, I don't want that on my feed. I don't want that on my feed.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  The amount of big boobed women that get sent on my For You page that I am now actively pressing not interested.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  When that's a lie, but it's the right thing to do. There needs to be another button. I love this, but I shouldn't love it as much. Please stop sending it to me. You're telling me if, like a stripper walked past your front room window every day, you wouldn't look out the window? But if there was an option to go, can you keep, stop walking down, please? You're not interested. Obviously I am. But it's not healthy or productive. So please stop sending it to me.

• 14:22Speaker 04

  It's healthy. I think it's healthy.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Not the amount I'm looking at it.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Getting neck ache, putting me head through the curtains.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  So I'm saying not interested, but they keep sending me the same things.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  That's because you're lingering on it.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  I feel like as well, I've gone all, because I'm not using it as much. They've upped the ante because I'm not there.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  Just say this is funnier because you're a flowing head. It just looks funny.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Honestly, I think they're upping the ante of the big boob women on my social media because I'm not there now. Weekends, I'm not there.

• 14:51Speaker 04

  More of them or bigger boobs?

• 14:53Speaker 01

  I'd say more of them with bigger boobs and more in motion. They've gone, stationary big boobs isn't enough, let's make them run. And I'm like, no, no, thank you. Not interested. I obviously am, but I'm not.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  I'm not.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  They've started sending me AI ones. No.

• 15:16Speaker 04

  It's a, it's a vicious circle as well because when you're presented with them, you can't get out of the thing because they, they, you're spending time telling them you're not interested and they're going, he's loving these.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Oh, you're lingering. No, I'm not lingering. I'm trying to find the not interested button and desperately not send them to someone by accident on TikTok. Honestly, Josh, I can't deal with technology anymore. We went through the drive-through McDonald's the other day. I was using my personal phone. Tried to pay with the, because it's an Android with a wallet thing. I couldn't work it. I just couldn't work how to pay. And I just said, sorry. And then there was a queue. And then I, I just said to the lady, so I went, I'm so sorry, I just don't know how to do it. Give me a moment. And I actually felt, I took a moment. I was like, you know when people don't realise they're a boomer? Because it happens.

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  I felt like I, I was in that moment of the switch.

• 16:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Because not only did I not know how to do it.

• 16:07Speaker 04

  Which is another thing you can't work, isn't it?

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Not only could I not do it, I didn't even care either. I almost just looked at her, I can't do it. So what are you going to do about this?

• 16:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  Are you going to call the police for eight quid's worth of McDonald's? Or should we just give it to me and let me get on with my day and accept that I'm slowly decaying?

• 16:27Speaker 04

  So anyway, I saw this pumpkin.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, sorry.

• 16:29Speaker 04

  No, we went to a pumpkin patch. It was great. And then it had loads of things.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  Well, at the weekend.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  There was like a, a woman on stilts and then you could dress as a pumpkin and then you could, um, roast marshmallow. And then there was the third biggest pumpkin in the world, just there. Bolus brass.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  How big we talking?

• 16:47Speaker 04

  Well, I took a photo of the sign and then I realised I didn't take a photo of the pumpkin today, which was just insane.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Mad decision. Someone else must have took a photo. Dart Farm pumpkin.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  The third biggest pumpkin in the world ever.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Ever?

• 17:00Speaker 04

  1,258 kilograms. Sown in April.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Oh, was it on a pallet? And it was all like weird and beige?

• 17:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's in the exit of Daily.

• 17:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  Very important pumpkin, VIP. A colossal 1,258 kilogram giant pumpkin has touched down in Devon.

• 17:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  So where was it? It was grown by a Hampshire-based vegetable grower, Ian Paton. But Lou took first place at the UK National Giant Vegetables Championships. Sown in April, the monster pumpkin could make 1,500 pumpkin pies and weighs the equivalent of a Mini Cooper.

• 17:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, it does.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Why do they always do it by car? Why don't they just do it of something you've lifted before?

• 17:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, because I've never lifted a Mini Cooper, so I don't really know what a Mini Cooper weighs.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, but if they said 300 fridges, you'd go, fucking hell, because I've tried a fridge, that's well over.

• 17:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  I think they need to do it like washing machines.

• 17:50Speaker 04

  Obsessed with bags of sugar or then straight up to cars.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I think it needs to be like something, the biggest thing, what's the biggest thing you've ever carried?

• 17:59Speaker 04

  What's the biggest email in?

• 18:01Speaker 01

  I think tumble dryer alone.

• 18:03Speaker 04

  Tumble dryer alone?

• 18:04Speaker 01

  Because they're not as heavy as the washing machine.

• 18:05Speaker 04

  You didn't carry it though, did you? Surely you put it on a, a roll?

• 18:08Speaker 01

  No, I've lifted that from the mouth of it, pulled it on my thighs and waddled along.

• 18:13Speaker 04

  Have you?

• 18:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:14Speaker 04

  Fucking hell. Was this for a strong round thing?

• 18:17Speaker 01

  No, just because it needed to be moved.

• 18:19Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Or have I made it up? How much does a tumble dryer weigh?

• 18:23Speaker 04

  Well, you might have.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  25 to 32 kilograms. Yeah.

• 18:26Speaker 04

  It's fine, actually. Quite easy.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I couldn't have carried it far and I couldn't, I didn't like lift it up, but I'm like, you know, you just get it up off the ground and waddle along and you're taking a bit of weight on the leg.

• 18:35Speaker 04

  Well, this is 52 kilogram, 52 tumble dryers.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Now, now I'm in. Yeah, because a washing machine can go up to 70 kilograms.

• 18:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, there you go.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Or 95 if it's a, you know, large capacity front loader.

• 18:49Speaker 04

  Obviously.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  Obviously the clothes were out as well when I lifted it.

• 18:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:52Speaker 01

  I'm not mad.

• 18:53Speaker 04

  No, of course.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  So that's one hell of a pumpkin, but you took a photo of the sign and not the pumpkin.

• 19:03Speaker 04

  No, what an idiot.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Um, so how many pumpkins did you get?

• 19:11Speaker 04

  Four, two orange, two white.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 04

  And I'm worried we've gone too early. We didn't mean to go there. We just meant to go to the park bit. And then the pumpkin patch event was there. There was a magician. It was great.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Well, I apparently, so we bought like 12, but like we got loads of little ones and it only comes like 26 quid or something for like 12 pumpkins. How much were yours?

• 19:35Speaker 04

  I don't know. It was about 25. No, we, there were two of them are quite big. So it was maybe 18 quid or something.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Idea, have you? You're guessing, aren't you completely?

• 19:43Speaker 04

  Well, I remember thinking that's reasonable.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I thought it was cheap because we got loads because we made, we basically made a display at the front door.

• 19:49Speaker 04

  That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go back and buy more and do a display.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  We got loads of the little ones, the little tiny squash ones. Um, so we bought a display and then they carved two, but they said they will rot in about two or three days.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  If you carve them.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, but if you don't carve them, they will last longer.

• 20:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  So don't carve or carve a couple and then get more. Just go back and get more.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  Go back and get more.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Did you make the mistake? Cause what I got there, it said, don't pick them up by the stalks. And now I immediately picked one up by the stalk.

• 20:14Speaker 04

  Did you snap the stalk?

• 20:15Speaker 01

  No, that's what I thought. I thought if you do that, you'll like, it'll break the pumpkin. It doesn't. They're just sharp.

• 20:21Speaker 04

  Right.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  And I cut my hand picking that one up.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  You cut your hand on a pumpkin?

• 20:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. I'd never thought of that. They look so smooth, but they got the stalks spiky, like, but not when it's like, but the spikes come off. So I've got, in the end I got a stone and scraped all the stalks.

• 20:35Speaker 04

  Oh, nice.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  We had a little wheelbarrow going around getting some pumpkins. Very wholesome.

• 20:40Speaker 04

  Really nice, really nice. Went to a climbing wall. That was quite wholesome.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Did you do it or just watch?

• 20:46Speaker 04

  Just watched, just, just attached her and then she went up.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  And then we went to a fish and chip shop, Rob.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 04

  That does unlimited chips, which isn't as good as you think it's gonna be.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Isn't that all fish and chip shops?

• 21:01Speaker 04

  So it's a restaurant.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  I never finish them.

• 21:03Speaker 04

  Exactly, Rob.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  So did you order more?

• 21:05Speaker 04

  No, I didn't eat dinner though. I had such a big lunch. I ordered.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  So fish and chips was lunch?

• 21:14Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, yeah. Three halloumi tacos with chips.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  A fish and chip restaurant?

• 21:22Speaker 04

  It's like a posh fish and chip restaurant.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  I don't wanna go there.

• 21:26Speaker 04

  Curry sauce and I had garlic spinach.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Halloumi tacos. So what's in the tacos?

• 21:31Speaker 04

  Halloumi battered.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Batter, fucking hell, that's heavy. No wonder you didn't have dinner.

• 21:36Speaker 04

  I know.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  You're swerved breakfast.

• 21:37Speaker 04

  Do you know what I had for dinner?

• 21:38Speaker 01

  Can't batter halloumi.

• 21:39Speaker 04

  I had a bowl of all brown for dinner.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  But halloumi almost has its own batter built in.

• 21:43Speaker 04

  No, you don't need to batter halloumi. You just don't.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  And they're just doing that to drag it into fish and chip world.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  That's a heavy lunch for you. I'd struggle with that and you can't do heavy lunches.

• 21:52Speaker 04

  I was so tired. I was so tired when I got to the pumpkin patch.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  That's meant, so you've got the halloumi that's heavy, the batter that's heavy, then tacos and then chips.

• 22:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  You're a potato boy from a full brown, are you?

• 22:06Speaker 04

  And a scoop of mint chop chip ice cream as well, Rob. Didn't give me the boost I needed.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  You're off the rails.

• 22:11Speaker 04

  I was like Augustus Gloop for about an hour.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Well, I had a wholesome morning at the pumpkin patch and we came back and the kids had to do some homework and they were carving pumpkins. And I said to Lou, I'm gonna go and have a little eye down and watch the football because it was the Man City Liverpool game. Laid on the sofa, fell asleep. A perfect half an hour nap, woke up for the start of the game. And then I went to get some milk and some biscuits because that's what I like as a little treat. And when I looked in the fridge, Lou had done an event at Henley Book Festival and they are sponsored by Gower Chocolate Brownies. Have you ever had these? They used to give them away on leave of their own.

• 22:45Speaker 04

  They did used to give them away on leave of their own.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Oh my God. They're the best ever. And I sort of forgot they existed. I opened the fridge and saw a full box.

• 22:51Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  I've never been so happy. Took two of them, sat on the sofa.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  Glass of milk.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Oh, two glasses.

• 22:57Speaker 04

  Two glasses of milk.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  But it was greedy because I didn't need it. And I sat there with such a massive gurgly belly, but I loved it. I genuinely thought, there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be right now.

• 23:07Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  This could not be improved upon.

• 23:09Speaker 04

  That's how I felt when I was having my chips and my battered halloumi and before the instant regret sent in.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:17Speaker 04

  I think now really I've realised I'm, I'm a big napper, Rob.

• 23:22Speaker 01

  It's a dad thing, I think.

• 23:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  I don't know why mums don't nap. I think they can't switch off in the same way as men because men have, do have an ability to completely box their brain off. And just where I think it's another mental load argument where it's harder for women to do it because they're always thinking about things.

• 23:41Speaker 04

  Put me a podcast on and I am out like a light.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  You've had a very busy start to September and October.

• 23:49Speaker 04

  I tell you, I've got a duvet in my dressing room strictly.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  By the way, can I say you look really refreshed and relaxed and chill today?

• 23:57Speaker 04

  Oh, thank you.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  So well done.

• 23:58Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  It's hard to manage that when you're busy and you're smashing it.

• 24:01Speaker 04

  I just love a nap, Rob. I just love a nap.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  But you, you're not sleeping well at night either though, are you?

• 24:07Speaker 04

  I slept all right last night. I had a weird dream actually, Rob. I've had two bad dreams in a row, two really bad dreams.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 24:15Speaker 04

  First dream was that I'd started drinking again, which is horrible. That's a horrible dream to have that I'd had a drink.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  Was it fun?

• 24:22Speaker 04

  No, it was awful. It was awful.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  That's a good dream then. The bad dream would be if it was really fun.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  And next one, Rob, I was recording my special.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:33Speaker 04

  Why didn't you have a gander at this for anxiety dream?

• 24:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:37Speaker 04

  So I'm recording my special at the end of my tour, but they've put it on in a venue that hasn't sold very well.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:45Speaker 04

  And the support act doesn't know me and he just does 10 minutes and then he leaves the stage. And then I've forgotten my outfit as well. And so the whole thing is me worrying about how badly it's gonna go. And then I'm trying to record some Talking Heads footage to be edited in because I think it's gonna be too short. The Talking Heads footage is, I've decided to restyle it as this is a bit of a different special because this is the worst the show's ever gone on tour. And that's the one I'm gonna release.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 25:18Speaker 04

  What's that?

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Well.

• 25:20Speaker 04

  What is going on there?

• 25:21Speaker 01

  Do you want me to tell you or not? Shall we leave it off pod?

• 25:24Speaker 04

  Let's leave it off pod.

• 25:29Speaker 04

  Oh God, it was a tiring dream.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  I had a dream where I couldn't walk down the street because there's a big fucking angry moose.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  Really?

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'd had watched a video on social media of a big moose that was chasing people down a road before I went to sleep. So that might have slipped in, you know what I mean? Sometimes there's an easy answer.

• 25:43Speaker 04

  Chasing some big booged women by any chance?

• 25:48Speaker 01

  No, there was no heavily chested women running down that street. Actually, it was just me and a moose.

• 25:52Speaker 04

  Okay. Do you have any recurring anxiety dreams?

• 25:57Speaker 01

  No, when I was younger, I had a lot of dreams, weird anxiety, when I, really bad anxiety about my teeth falling out and teeth, stuff to be teeth.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Falling out. And I don't think that's just because I've got big teeth.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  And I've kept another weird reoccurring one about like a donut and an iceberg, but I can't remember what it was. What's really weird is if I'm anxious about something or worried about something.

• 26:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  I'm very good at dealing with it when I'm awake because I've got coping mechanisms. And one, you can just be distracted by like, you're out with the kids or whatever. And also if it is coming on top, I can meditate or do that. What I struggle with is whatever's worrying me creeps out at night. And when I'm asleep, I, I, I can't do the coping mechanism. So they, they, they go into the dreams and I start having mad little dreams and get really tense and stressed at night. And I'm sort of waking up with like headaches and like tension. Because I can't talk myself down from it when I'm asleep because I'm not conscious to do it. But what's lucky about that is that's more by talking around the houses, a slight more reaction to an experience that happened.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  As opposed to a current problem or thing that's coming up.

• 27:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  So that's more of like a slight, we're not going into PTSD, it's more like a PTSD thing of something that certain factors can remind you of at the time. But luckily it's not anything I'm worried about coming up or my actual day to day life. It's more if I'm reminded of something that happened, then I, I, I find it easier to process when I'm awake than when I'm going to sleep.

• 27:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  And the problem is the kids keep coming in and out and waking me up. So I'm, I'm not sleeping as well as I did when I was on tour.

• 27:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  Because I'd find myself at home, not sleeping much, but then I'd go on tour and I'd be sad because I missed the family and feel quite alone. But even if I couldn't get to sleep till 2am, I'd be able to sleep till 10am. So I was getting my eight hours when I was on tour. But when I'm not on tour, I'm at home more, but I'm, I'm up at half six every day.

• 27:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  But because I'm doing gigs in London, I'm still getting a bed about one in the, so sometimes it can be like three or four nights on the spin of four hours sleep.

• 28:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  Which don't help. If I haven't slept, that's when I'm at my worst for any kind of stress, anxiety, flip out reaction, you know?

• 28:10Speaker 04

  Do you want me to take you through my buffer free week?

• 28:13Speaker 01

  You've got a buffer free week this week?

• 28:14Speaker 04

  It's insane.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Talk me through your week. Monday today, we're doing what? Podcasting till about one?

• 28:20Speaker 04

  I've got to post those headphones back.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  You still haven't posted those headphones, so okay.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  Then I've got the osteopath at two.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 28:27Speaker 04

  Then I've got to buy a book from the new bookshop near me that my daughter wants for her birthday, which on Thursday.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Oh, it's her birthday Thursday. Nice.

• 28:36Speaker 04

  Tomorrow, free time, personal admin.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  That's not free time if you're doing personal admin though, is it?

• 28:41Speaker 04

  Punching up on emails, doing all that kind of stuff.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Okay, life admin stuff.

• 28:45Speaker 04

  Life admin.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Any actual relaxing or hobby?

• 28:47Speaker 04

  I'd like to think so tomorrow.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  And what would that be? Say you had, say for example, let me put this to you.

• 28:53Speaker 04

  Go for a run, go and take some photos. They're the two things I'd love to do.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  If all your admin's done, you'd love to just get up, go for a run and then take some photos?

• 28:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  I think you should take photos of like strictly behind the scenes and all that kind of stuff. And then not to put out now, but like at some point.

• 29:09Speaker 04

  Well, do you know what? I, I never take any photos and Emma was always taking good photos. And I'm like, I should be taking photos.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, even if you don't put them, not even for Instagram, just for you.

• 29:17Speaker 04

  Now I'm calmer with the whole thing. I'm gonna start doing it.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  Exactly. No one wants to turn up with a fucking tripod and camera on the first day. We're gonna practise this link, Josh. So I'm just getting an artsy shot of the outside of the studio, actually.

• 29:28Speaker 04

  Yeah. Can we get some more light on Jojo, please? Wednesday, last leg meetings.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  Hang on, so Wednesday, tomorrow is your Tuesday is your chill day.

• 29:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, Wednesday, last leg meetings in the morning.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, because you've got some satirical stuff you want to get for chest. You've been reading the papers. What do you want to talk about?

• 29:45Speaker 04

  Strictly script read, pick up the kids, double dentist.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Double dentist, not for you.

• 29:51Speaker 04

  Busy day with the kids on Thursday, um, last leg on Thursday day, and then I have to get up to London and then Friday. Yeah, Friday, strictly rehearsal day.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 30:02Speaker 04

  Get on the back of a motorbike, go to last leg, do last leg.

• 30:06Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 30:07Speaker 04

  Back to the hotel in Elstree, go to sleep, next day, strictly.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  What you've described isn't above a free week, it's above a free next eight weeks?

• 30:16Speaker 04

  Kind of, yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  When's the final last leg episode of the series?

• 30:19Speaker 04

  The day before the final straight episode.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Which is?

• 30:22Speaker 04

  Nineteenth of December, twentieth or whatever the Saturday would be.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  I'd love to tell you what I'm up to in November, but I don't want, I don't know if it'll be annoying for you.

• 30:32Speaker 04

  Is it golf?

• 30:33Speaker 01

  I'm working Monday, Tuesday, like the whole week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

• 30:37Speaker 04

  I'm fully away the week, yeah.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Yep, okay. And then I've got the weekend off.

• 30:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:42Speaker 01

  And then Monday, we've got to do a bit of podcasting.

• 30:45Speaker 04

  One hour.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  Or two hours, I think, or whatever, but a couple of hours in the morning. But from the twentieth of October.

• 30:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  I'm not working again until ninth of November.

• 30:56Speaker 04

  What?

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Welcome to King Buffer.

• 30:58Speaker 04

  That is insane.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  I know.

• 31:00Speaker 04

  That is, that is pure buffer. You're going to go mental.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  That is pure, that's.

• 31:04Speaker 04

  I'm going to place a wager with you.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  By the ninth of November, you will have done a stand up gig.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Ninth of November, so but that's not including corporate-y ones, like.

• 31:14Speaker 04

  No, in that gap.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:16Speaker 04

  You'll do a stand up gig.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  A hundred percent. How much do you want to bet on that?

• 31:19Speaker 04

  Six pounds.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  Six, okay, I'll bet you six pounds.

• 31:22Speaker 04

  You have your choice.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  At six pounds, I will not be.

• 31:24Speaker 04

  Day.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  I promise you I won't.

• 31:26Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  That's my time. That's buffer Beckett time.

• 31:29Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  So I think we might have different energies over the next couple of weeks.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  There's a chance, there's a chance.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Well, we have recorded a couple in advance for the half term and scheduled clashes.

• 31:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 01

  Oh, me and Lou, so I've got to tell a couple of things. Me and Lou, do you do these, me and Lou call them Cobra meetings?

• 31:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Where we sit down with our diaries and plan out the next like three, four weeks about who needs to.

• 31:49Speaker 04

  You get out your little Cobra.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  Little snake charmer, take the little wicker basket hat off it. Trust in me. Rob Rinando's, get your file effects out. Lou's bought actually a leather bound paper diary.

• 32:04Speaker 04

  Why?

• 32:05Speaker 01

  Don't know. I think she thinks if she's got it.

• 32:07Speaker 04

  Just insane. I, I love Lou, but we're in the age of the Google diary. Where everyone can see each other's diaries. It's so much better. You can't lose it.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  Agree.

• 32:19Speaker 04

  You can't forget it. You can't have one thing in that with Rob thinking it's another thing. I'm sorry.

• 32:28Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 32:29Speaker 04

  Leather bound diary is nicer. There's no denying that.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:32Speaker 04

  But all you're getting there is the feeling of, oh.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Control.

• 32:36Speaker 04

  This is nice buying stationery. We all love buying stationery. I love buying stationery as much as the next man.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  It feels like you're taking an active step to control your homework.

• 32:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  But not as you do your homework. So the problem Lou's got now, I don't, I don't want to bring this up on pod, really, before I've brought it up with her. We've both got a Google diary that is connected to.

• 32:54Speaker 04

  You're not insane.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  My work and her work and our personal stuff. So I put on there like this podcast, but I've also got on there. I've got a kid's football matches. My daughter's playing in a football match this afternoon and then I've got the time, the place, all that. So that Lou knows that's there. I know that's there. And if it was a person, so I was playing golf, I'd put golf at two o'clock. So Lou can look, he's doing that, whatever. And also agents can go, you've got that in, but we've got.

• 33:15Speaker 04

  It's a great system.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Oh, it's great. I don't need to explain this. It basically is a calendar. Everyone that needs to know it, knows it.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  It's editable by the right people. Everyone that needs to see it can see it. If anything, it's perfect.

• 33:30Speaker 06

  Where's your playlist taking you? Down the highway, to the mountains, or just into daydream mode while you're stuck in traffic? With over 4,000 hotels worldwide, Best Western is there to help you make the most of your getaway, wherever that is. Because the only thing better than a great playlist is a great trip. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western.

• 33:56Speaker 06

  Book direct and save at bestwestern.com.

• 34:03Speaker 01

  So I tried to transition from my Apple calendar to full Google because I was putting stuff in the Apple, then it weren't matching up. So now I'm full Google calendar.

• 34:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  Lou is still operating an Apple calendar.

• 34:15Speaker 04

  Right.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  And the Google calendar.

• 34:17Speaker 04

  Why?

• 34:18Speaker 01

  And if rather than just go, let's condense it onto Google, she's added a third in.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  Right, okay.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  I think it's more trouble.

• 34:26Speaker 04

  I need the voice note. I, I presumably the voice note will be arriving soon.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  So I ring her and ask and see what she says or says.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  Why does she need the Apple calendar?

• 34:35Speaker 01

  Well, that's the one she used to use before I moved to Google and her work is now on Google. So she used to just use the Apple one for herself.

• 34:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  And basically for 10 years, the Beckett's operated on a system of, I just went out the door and did whatever was needed for work and Lou just did whatever was needed for the kids. But now we're readdressing that balance.

• 34:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  And moving away from one fully default parent.

• 34:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  This is where the new system needs to come in.

• 34:59Speaker 04

  She's bought a leather diary.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, but she's very happy about it. So this could go wrong actually, but. See if she answers, she's.

• 35:06Speaker 07

  Hello?

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Oh, hello. Um.

• 35:07Speaker 07

  Hello, you're right.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm on the podcast with Josh. Can you talk quickly?

• 35:11Speaker 07

  I can talk.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, so basically we're just discussing.

• 35:13Speaker 04

  Are you checking her diary if she's got a space to talk?

• 35:16Speaker 07

  Am I in trouble?

• 35:17Speaker 01

  No, no, not at all. Uh, Josh, Josh said, um, have you got a gap in your paper diary to talk at the moment or not? Are you busy?

• 35:25Speaker 07

  No, I, I've got a gap. I've got a gap.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  So.

• 35:28Speaker 07

  This paper diary is going to change my life.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 35:30Speaker 07

  One of the series of diaries and this I'm convinced that this is the one that's going to change my life.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  Well, Josh is suggesting that if you just did the Google diary with me and got rid of the Apple one and got rid of the paper one.

• 35:40Speaker 07

  I know, that does sound sensible, doesn't it?

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 35:43Speaker 07

  Almost too easy.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, because then that way there's just one diary with it all on and it can't be lost.

• 35:49Speaker 07

  There's a lot on that one and you'll find it a bit confusing. And I do like sometimes I like having it laid out. So. As well as my paper diary, I also make um tables on my notes app of every day between like, say, because between now and Christmas is very busy. I've got one big table of every day and what I'm doing on each of those days because I need to be able to see it all.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  So you've created another, you've created another calendar. So you're operating four calendars?

• 36:14Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  That only, you can only see two of them and no one else can see.

• 36:18Speaker 07

  I can see all of them. No, I can see all of them, but no, nobody else has my table. No, but for things like return parcels or book birthday party, that goes on my table. And in my paper diary, because you don't need to know, must do in post.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you can put that on there.

• 36:33Speaker 07

  Yeah, I could. I just like having it written down. I like being able to see it all out in front of me.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Right. So do you think it might be worth getting rid of the Apple one?

• 36:40Speaker 07

  Probably. That one could go, I reckon.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  Maybe just whittle it down to sort of two or three.

• 36:45Speaker 07

  And then where's, where's the fun?

• 36:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, well.

• 36:47Speaker 07

  Where's the jeopardy?

• 36:48Speaker 01

  So you're aware that it's sort of a bit of a strange method.

• 36:51Speaker 07

  I don't think I've ever claimed that any of my systems are efficient. Everything gets done, but it, it adjusts.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Does it though? Because I have to keep reminding you of things that you've, you've got coming up. No, but that's because I said, you can't do that Lou because of the kids have got an appointment.

• 37:08Speaker 07

  Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  That sounds sorry.

• 37:10Speaker 07

  Yes, you, yes, you remind me of things sometimes, but I do do the organising. So there is a lot. If something slips. I'd say it's, it feels like a lot to you, but there is like one percent maybe of the, no, no, you do a lot as well. I'm not saying that I do all of it, but like. There, there is a lot. So between now and Christmas, there's say two birthdays, a half term.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:30Speaker 07

  I've got work, you've got work. So like, there's just a lot. So I just write, I like it in a few places so I can see it.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  Fair enough. Okay. Well, let's, let's see, let's see how we get on. Shall we do a score of any engagements that are missed and see what system works best?

• 37:42Speaker 07

  No, I don't like this tally keeping. That feels.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Are you suggesting that us playing out our intermarriage or arguments to a podcast audience is sort of not very uh positive or a good way to operate as in a marriage?

• 37:57Speaker 07

  No, I, I think it's just that I'm going to forget things and you won't. And then I'll look bad. And so I can already feel in, in my waters that I'm going to lose this. So I'd rather not play the game.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  Okay. So is that not an indication that maybe you should just move to the Google calendar?

• 38:11Speaker 07

  I hold my hand up. I absolutely agree. It's not an efficient way of working, both hands. It's not an efficient way of working.

• 38:17Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 38:17Speaker 07

  But it's the kind of only way at the moment that I can find that works for me.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Okay, cool. Perfect. Well.

• 38:22Speaker 07

  I've got only, I need to assess for things.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  Any questions, Josh?

• 38:26Speaker 04

  No, actually I've come around to a way of thinking.

• 38:28Speaker 07

  Also, I quite like the idea of having like a, a little leather journal with, with paper in it and a nice pen that I, I keep my appointments in. I like that. It feels a bit romantic for me. I don't know. And if I want to be that person that gets out a journal on the train and writes notes.

• 38:43Speaker 04

  I've got a question then. Does she feel her, her life currently lacks romance?

• 38:48Speaker 01

  Do you think your life currently lacks romance and excitement and sort of things like that?

• 38:54Speaker 07

  No, it's a question. Um.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 38:59Speaker 07

  No, I just, I just like the idea of being a person that.

• 39:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:02Speaker 07

  Has a leather journal.

• 39:04Speaker 04

  I've bought so many more skins. She's a woman after my own heart.

• 39:07Speaker 07

  I'm not, basically. I'm a big pretentious dickhead and I'd like.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  No, you're not. Um, I, I, how about then we just get rid of the document, the, the, the notes. Oh God, that's the front door.

• 39:17Speaker 07

  No, I need the notes. I need the notes. I need my notes app.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  All right, okay. We'll keep the notes app. Keep your journal, get rid of Apple. Can we get rid of Apple?

• 39:24Speaker 07

  I'll get rid of Apple. I will compromise on Apple.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Okay, thanks Lou. Right. Um, have a good day. Love you.

• 39:29Speaker 07

  Thank you. You too. Love you. Hi Josh, bye Josh.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  Hi Josh, bye Josh, bye.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  Now a word from our sponsors, Apple. Why do you use the Google, the Apple calendar, Rob? I use it all the time and I just find it so useful.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Well, there's nothing wrong with the Apple calendar. The problem is it's not the calendar that our agents use. That's.

• 39:47Speaker 04

  I've said this once and I'll say it before.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:49Speaker 04

  We both are at an agency that I'd say has got a lot of big acts and are big swingers in the comedy industry.

• 39:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  And I introduced the Google calendar to that agency personally.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  What were they doing before?

• 40:03Speaker 04

  When I joined, I said, I've got a Google calendar. Why don't I just add you to that?

• 40:08Speaker 01

  This was years ago.

• 40:09Speaker 04

  Two thousand and ten. And that was the first introduction of the Google calendar.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:14Speaker 04

  To that world.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  Because I had to ask my agent to send me his Word document. Want to book a holiday? Do you mind sending me the, the Word doc, please?

• 40:23Speaker 04

  Times change, people change. One day people will be going to me, you sad o a Google calendar. What is this? Two thousand and eight.

• 40:33Speaker 01

  You're revolutionary, Josh.

• 40:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, but all revolutionaries become, you know, the establishment.

• 40:38Speaker 01

  There's actually a poster of you at the office with a little Che Guevara beret on. Sat there with his phone out of a Google doc.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  I struggle with the actual Google Doc docs, you know, when someone you have to request permission. Oh my god. Also, most of the time, if anyone sent me a Google Doc, I don't care what's on it, but you have to look at it because it's work. And I'm not, I'm not requesting permission for anything. They need to change the wording of that, like, asked to take a look. I'm not requesting permission. Who requests permission? What am I, three? Fuck off.

• 41:09Speaker 04

  I don't know if this happens in other industries, but sometimes when someone sends you something that's password protected and you go, oh, grow up. No one cares.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  Oh, password, in case anyone sees this spreadsheet, you fucking losers.

• 41:26Speaker 04

  The hotels for my tour are password protected. Are you fucking kidding me?

• 41:30Speaker 01

  Who's gonna snoop in there? Oh, look.

• 41:32Speaker 04

  Oh, look, it's your call time for, you know, big fat quiz of the year. It's password protected. Leave it out.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, thank God your hotels are password protected because the paparazzi don't know where you're staying strictly.

• 41:46Speaker 04

  That's a bad example. My password, my hotels are not password protected. It's usually like edits of things, isn't it? Oh God, anyway.

• 41:53Speaker 01

  I could not do a proper job. I mean, it just drives me mad.

• 41:56Speaker 04

  Oh, I just couldn't.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  I would end up like just setting fire to the place.

• 42:01Speaker 04

  If I had to be on Slack, I've got a friend who's constantly on Slack.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  What's that mean?

• 42:06Speaker 04

  Like an Intranet version of WhatsApp.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  What?

• 42:10Speaker 04

  It's like a big communicating tool for call offices.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  Slack. So it's WhatsApp for people trapped in a corporate job pretending to work in media?

• 42:19Speaker 04

  Not just WhatsApp. So you could probably share a, you could all jump on the same doc or whatever on Slack.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  Oh, let's all jump on that doc.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Honestly, oh, I just explode. I can't bear it. I can't. I don't know how people do. Massive respect, if you do nine to five, I just couldn't.

• 42:44Speaker 04

  You're right. You're having a moment.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  Just the thought of it.

• 42:49Speaker 04

  You okay?

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Just, you know what? I just took a moment to appreciate how lucky I am to do the job I do.

• 42:54Speaker 04

  Incredibly lucky.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Very lucky.

• 42:56Speaker 04

  Incredibly lucky. Um, do you want me to tell you one more thing?

• 42:59Speaker 01

  I mean, talking about, I wish I had not, Rob, hi, Rob, just a whizzing across a reminder of your call at 1.30. I'm in the fucking system.

• 43:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  I've got to do a call at 1.30 like a fucking real person.

• 43:11Speaker 04

  And you've had a reminder whizzed across to you.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Just end of play today.

• 43:19Speaker 04

  I've had a suggestion about keys. You know, I got locked out the other night.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:24Speaker 04

  So a friend of a friend, I was told what they do, Rob.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:27Speaker 04

  Is this a good thing? He is worried about losing his keys when he's out and about.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:33Speaker 04

  Not knowing where his keys are when he gets back in.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:36Speaker 04

  What he's got is one of those Airbnb style lock boxes with a code on it.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 43:43Speaker 04

  And every time he leaves the house, rather than taking his keys with him, he locks his keys in the box next to the front door with the code on it. So that when he gets back.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 04

  He can just unlock his keys.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  And you could also, I suppose, put the key box in a bit of a hidden place so people don't know where it is.

• 44:00Speaker 04

  Of course. So it's not next to his door. I was just, you know.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Next to the lock.

• 44:03Speaker 04

  And he's got the, the, the full code digits scrawled on it. So he doesn't have to remember it.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  I think though, I, what I wouldn't want to do with that is though, like always have a key that can open the door next, near the house at all the time.

• 44:14Speaker 04

  It feels mental, doesn't it? That, that just feels like you're asking for trouble.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I suppose if it's hidden well.

• 44:20Speaker 04

  It feels like you're probably invalidating the insurance as well in some way. I don't know.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  But yeah, I mean, but then I suppose if you don't have one in there, it's no point having the box because if you lose your key, there's not a key in there.

• 44:31Speaker 04

  Yeah. What if I've got a small journey, then I've got to lock it in and then.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  I've got an idea. I've got an idea. This is what you do. You put a lock box on your door, near your door. You do a lock box on your neighbour's door, switch keys.

• 44:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, switch the key.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  So if someone bangs it open, they can't get in.

• 44:45Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  And they're not going to think to go next door.

• 44:48Speaker 04

  Exactly, Rob. My voice is going.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  You're right. I'm emotional about my great idea.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  Sometimes when you witness genius, it just hits you in the heart, not the head, the heart.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  Why don't we jump on a dock and put these ideas down?

• 45:03Speaker 04

  Let's jump on a dock and put these ideas down.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  But I suppose we jump on docks, don't we? When we wrote the Parenting Hell show, but us jumping on a dock was having a burger, bullet pointing things to say on stage. That's jumping on a dock.

• 45:14Speaker 04

  Well, we're about to jump on a dock.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  Are we?

• 45:18Speaker 04

  Yeah. Do you know who jumped on a dock, Rob?

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Who?

• 45:22Speaker 04

  The policeman that arrested Harold Shipman, he jumped on a dock, didn't he?

• 45:27Speaker 01

  Hmm. Long way to go for that, isn't it?

• 45:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. I was trying to think of someone who's fucked a doctor, but I couldn't think of one. Doctor Hillary Jones's wife, and then I've said the word doctor.

• 45:35Speaker 01

  You've trampled on the punchline.

• 45:36Speaker 04

  Diane Van Tylacan's wife. She's always the jump on the dock.

• 45:39Speaker 01

  You've got to be really into Channel Four panel shows to know him.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Okay, um.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  Mrs Dolittle.

• 45:44Speaker 04

  Mrs Dolittle. Did she do a fucking?

• 45:46Speaker 01

  But he was a vet really, wasn't he?

• 45:47Speaker 04

  And you'd think Eliza Dolittle there from What's That My Fair Lady or something.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Doctor Fox, but then he's compromised.

• 45:52Speaker 04

  Susan Kennedy from Neighbours. She jumped on a dock.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  No, no, no one's thinking of that as a doctor. Uh, who's the most famous? Doctor, Doctor Dre.

• 45:59Speaker 04

  Doctor Dre. Who's he married to? No one knows.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  So what you need there is the famous doctor that is also married to someone famous.

• 46:06Speaker 04

  Someone who's had an affair with a doctor would be good because then he's.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Who's shagged Doctor Who?

• 46:10Speaker 04

  Well, I don't know. Is he kind of, he's asexual, isn't he? Yeah.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's just in his little telephone box wanking. I used to, yeah.

• 46:17Speaker 04

  Piper? Was that a sexual? I don't watch Doctor Who.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  No, neither do I.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  Do write in if you've got a punchline to the jump on the dock joke.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Jump on the dock, yeah.

• 46:24Speaker 04

  While we are, I'm jumping on the old, um, small business shout.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  You know who jumps on the dock? Oh, it's Redding.

• 46:30Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  Dock of the Bay.

• 46:32Speaker 04

  I mean, no, I got it.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, all right.

• 46:36Speaker 04

  Right. Should we jump on the small business dock?

• 46:39Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, Defo, get that dock open and get me in it. Let's promote small businesses.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Now it's time for Small Business Shoutouts brought to you by Vista Print, your expert print partner to help bring your ideas to life.

• 46:52Speaker 04

  Nothing says you're a serious business like a proper booklet. And frankly, I take one of those over QR code menu any day of the week, especially when I'm trying to stop my kids from stealing my phone. Give me the booklet now. Right, who we got today? Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm Amanda, always slightly frazzled mum of two young kids. Last year, I quit my job in advertising to set up my own small business selling Christmas crackers created by comedians. Rob and Josh, watch out. I've got my eyes on you with the eyes emoji. Always means business with the emoji. I've got sick of spending money on crackers with jokes that make no one in capital letters laugh, full of plastic gifts that

• 47:34Speaker 04

  go straight in the bin. There had to be a better way. Cue Comedy Crackers. Jokes written by professional comedians with exclusive content, bespoke party games, and crucially, no plastic rubbish, all made in the UK and limited edition. Our current range includes Finn Taylor, obviously we've had him on before of this parish, plus our house set featuring jokes by a mix of up and coming comedians. They're firmly for adults. Cannot be clear enough about this. Anyone with a filthy sense of humour should feel right at home. But this is just the start. I've expanded my team, i.e. roped in my friend Lauren. And next year, we're planning family friendly options too, amongst others. Watch this space. We'd love a small business shout out. You can find our range at comedycrackers.co.uk.

• 48:19Speaker 04

  Absolutely nailed it on the email address. Or follow Comedy Crackers Official on Instagram. We've sold out of crackers three years in a row, so don't leave it until the last minute. Thanks so much, Amanda.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Vistaprint.co.uk, print your possible. To get 15% off your first Vista Print order, visit vistaprint.co.uk and use the code PARENTINGHELL15.