⚽ I've got so many football opinions...⚽

Welcome to episode three of Footballing Hell... where every Monday Rob and Josh discuss the weekends football (or the bits that interest them) in the only way they know how. Chaotically, with not enough sleep, prep or insight... This week we (sort of) discuss the stories from the weekend of football that have interested us. Including; Haaland's hair // Pep documentary // Spurs are rubbish. Why? (Cameo by Rhys James) // FPL update - Josh has a great week // De Zerbi looks like a sad hamster // Embarrassing football icks // Harry Maguire - yes or no? // Do I now like Chelsea? Enjoy!! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [email protected] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. Why football? Why now? We hear you ask... “Finally we can bring our unique brand of unprofessionalism, distractedness and inability to get things right to the until now slick and professional world of football pods. Get ready for no tactical analysis, zero discussion of VAR and a surprisingly high level of Neil Warnock chat. For people who find other football pods too informed.” - Josh Widdicombe "After 6 years of discussing my wife and children on Parenting Hell it's such a liberating feeling to finally have a podcast where I chat about something I truly love and care about in football" - Rob Beckett ⁠⁠Footballing Hell ⁠⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:02Speaker 02

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• 1:41Speaker 03

  Hello and welcome to Footballing Howl with...

• 1:45Speaker 04

  Rob Beckett.

• 1:48Speaker 04

  Josh Widdicombe.

• 1:51Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah!

• 1:53Speaker 03

  Someone who's too lazy to do a separate voice note?

• 1:57Speaker 05

  That was three of you off the bounce. Now, that is a current player. I'll give you a clue, it's a current player.

• 2:03Speaker 03

  I'm in trouble.

• 2:07Speaker 03

  Would I know who this is?

• 2:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:10Speaker 03

  Are they in the England squad?

• 2:11Speaker 05

  Ooh, when they're fit.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  Could they be called up for England reasonably?

• 2:17Speaker 05

  Uh, yes, if they have a run of games after a big injury.

• 2:20Speaker 03

  Cole Palmer?

• 2:22Speaker 05

  Uh, no. Do we just play it again?

• 2:26Speaker 04

  Rob Beckett.

• 2:29Speaker 04

  Josh Widdicombe.

• 2:32Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah!

• 2:34Speaker 03

  I've got no idea who this is, Rob.

• 2:36Speaker 05

  A Brummie.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  Oh, that centre-back, Tyrone Mings.

• 2:43Speaker 05

  Used to play for Aston Villa.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  Who does he play for now?

• 2:45Speaker 05

  This is, I mean, for a football podcast. He plays for Everton at the moment.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 2:50Speaker 05

  No, he doesn't, actually. He played for Everton last year.

• 2:52Speaker 03

  Oh my god, we are so rubbish.

• 2:53Speaker 05

  No, no, no, but he was there on loan last year.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  Oh, your mate from the Samsung world.

• 3:02Speaker 05

  The Android Boys!

• 3:04Speaker 03

  The Android Boys?

• 3:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's Jack Grealish.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  Jack Grealish, there we go. Yeah, yeah.

• 3:09Speaker 05

  Right, god.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Well, I think Tyrone Mings isn't the worst guess. A player that isn't in and around the England squad that's a Brummie. I don't think that's the end of the world.

• 3:18Speaker 05

  It's not the end of the world, that was fine. Now, Josh, slightly different energy to last week. I'm not in centre-back.

• 3:24Speaker 03

  Well, last week we were on a high because it was one of the great opening weekends of the season.

• 3:28Speaker 05

  Oh, unbelievable. I mean, this was pretty good. I mean, I stopped watching Ipswich-Man United when Man United went 3-1 up.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  I just go, I could just, I'm gonna say it now, Rob. I don't, I've got so many opinions. I feel like I'm on Talk Sport.

• 3:43Speaker 05

  I've got loads of opinions too. What's one of your opinions?

• 3:46Speaker 03

  I think that's the weakest, write in, if there's ever been a weaker... When was the last 4.30 fixture on a Sunday that was that weak on paper?

• 3:58Speaker 05

  I know.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  That is a Saturday 3pm for my tastes.

• 4:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, Man United are home to Ipswich.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  Man United are home. They're not even, well, they could have an upset, they've got to go to the Tractor Boys. Terrible nickname.

• 4:10Speaker 05

  I quite like that nickname, actually, because I think it's a bit of fun. They're farming, not, you know, from Chair Boys last week. I actually think Red Devils is an embarrassment.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think Red Devils is embarrassing.

• 4:21Speaker 05

  We're Cheeky Devil. Oh, shut up. And we're red because that's our team's colours.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  Well, Liverpool's is shit, it's just the Reds. Fuck it, Al.

• 4:30Speaker 05

  There is no, but I mean, at least, at least that's quite, no, but I think there's a, I quite like that. There's a simplicity to that. There's the Reds and the Blues in Liverpool.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  But the Toffees.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Oh, aren't they Blue Noses as well?

• 4:42Speaker 03

  I think Everton are strictly the Toffees.

• 4:45Speaker 05

  Why are they the Toffees?

• 4:46Speaker 03

  What do you think of, Everton mints is a sweet. What do you think of the Toffees as a nickname?

• 4:52Speaker 05

  I'd say the, what was it? The Everton mint?

• 4:56Speaker 03

  Everton mints is a sweet.

• 4:58Speaker 05

  It's not, I mean, it's not.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Hey, it's not.

• 5:01Speaker 05

  It's not a big, it's not... I've never heard of it.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  It's not polo, is it?

• 5:05Speaker 05

  But also, it's a mint, not a toffee.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Blue Nose is Birmingham, according to Michael. The Blue Nose.

• 5:10Speaker 05

  Oh, is it?

• 5:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:11Speaker 05

  Oh, Zeno. So, hang on, why are they called the Toffees if it's named after mints?

• 5:15Speaker 03

  I imagine that there was a factory, I don't know, but it's all from that kind of industrial time. But I'm presuming there was a factory that made Everton mints nearby to Goodison Park, hence the Toffees. That would be my guess.

• 5:28Speaker 05

  I'll stop listening. Do you want to hear?

• 5:32Speaker 03

  You asked the question!

• 5:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, I know, but sometimes I ask questions I don't want the answer to.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  Do let us know if there's been a worse 4.30 game in the history of Sky Sports.

• 5:39Speaker 05

  I've got a few things. Do you want to go through my bullet points and then we'll circle back? Yeah?

• 5:43Speaker 03

  Are we gonna circle back?

• 5:45Speaker 05

  Well, probably not, but at least we've made a plan.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  What are we circling back to?

• 5:50Speaker 05

  The start of the list, but I do the whole list.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  And then the start.

• 5:54Speaker 05

  Haaland hair, discuss that.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  So you're gonna do them and then we're gonna do them one by one?

• 5:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, potentially. And then you can give me your list if you've got one. The Pep doc.

• 6:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've only seen clips, but I want to discuss them.

• 6:04Speaker 05

  Well, and World Cup whissah, after the Tottenham-Newcastle game. Spurs shit, I've written that down. Romany lost 7-2. Fantasy football, because let's see how we're getting on. Enjoyed Alanga doing the Henry. Deserby looks broken. Ipswich keeper's six foot nine, two exclamation marks.

• 6:21Speaker 03

  Is he six foot nine?

• 6:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, big sir.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  I think that's more difficult.

• 6:25Speaker 05

  Sorry, we're gonna circle back in a minute.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  I've shown my hand.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  Just shoot it low.

• 6:37Speaker 05

  The last two, embarrassing. I find it really, a big ick, football ick, is when people are behind the goal and then someone has a shot and they flinch and it's on camera. I just think it's so embarrassing. I've got there potentially.

• 6:50Speaker 03

  What do you, oh, sorry, I've got more to say on that, sorry.

• 6:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, no, let's circle back in a minute.

• 6:53Speaker 03

  Circle back in a minute.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  So I've got an idea potentially of cool on-camera the football stories that people can email in. And I've got Harry Maguire, used to really like him, finding him a bit more unlikable since the World Cup moan.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  I've gone off Harry Maguire, but we'll come back to that.

• 7:09Speaker 05

  We'll circle back. Do you want to do your list and then we'll circle back?

• 7:12Speaker 03

  Plymouth obviously winning 2-0 at home to Bradford, who hadn't conceded all season.

• 7:17Speaker 05

  The Bantams.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  The Bantams. Dominic Calvert-Lewin, just, I just can't believe he's still going.

• 7:24Speaker 05

  Where is he?

• 7:26Speaker 03

  He scored for Leeds this weekend. He just seems to constantly be on the, anyway, we'll come back to that.

• 7:33Speaker 05

  He does sound like a Conservative MP.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  He does, yeah. We'll come back to that, Rob.

• 7:38Speaker 05

  We've got Dominic Calvert-Lewin coming on. That's what we're gonna say, sorry, I'm gonna circle back, sorry. Started riffing, didn't I?

• 7:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Do I like Chelsea?

• 7:46Speaker 03

  And have we discussed Michael Owen telling Jake Humphrey that he's unfair, that he's considered boring?

• 7:51Speaker 05

  I mean...

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Nope.

• 7:53Speaker 05

  Okay, we'll circle, but I've got a lot to say about it.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  And Florian Wirtz is still rubbish and I'm gonna keep coming back to it every week. Right, circle back to the top, please. Circle back!

• 8:03Speaker 05

  Let's discuss what's happened at the weekend and then we can do the documentary section.

• 8:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:06Speaker 05

  Deserby.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  That's really what we want to talk about, is Tottenham.

• 8:11Speaker 05

  Can we talk about his face?

• 8:14Speaker 05

  He always looks sad.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:16Speaker 05

  He's stressed at all times. I don't really know what's...

• 8:21Speaker 03

  He's...

• 8:22Speaker 05

  It's what, two weeks in and he's spent half a bill?

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Half a bill.

• 8:25Speaker 05

  Half a billion.

• 8:26Speaker 03

  Half a billion. Yeah, yeah.

• 8:28Speaker 05

  Yeah. Why is he so sad?

• 8:30Speaker 03

  Well, because they've lost twice.

• 8:32Speaker 05

  I know, but...

• 8:33Speaker 03

  But he's got, I think, I don't want to pick apart his face, but he's got...

• 8:40Speaker 05

  I'm just gonna get it up.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  He looks like, he's got cheeks like a hamster, hasn't he, Deserby?

• 8:46Speaker 05

  That's coming from you, mate.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  I know, I know. But he, he's, it's mainly bottom half his face.

• 8:54Speaker 05

  He's basically a cartoon hamster that's turned into a man. In like a Pixar film, do you know when like, all of a sudden the pet shop becomes human? And all the humans become pets and now the hamster, he's like the security at the front as the little hamster.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  He would definitely be a hamster if he was an animal.

• 9:11Speaker 05

  And he would be on a wheelie spinny chair, looking at all the CCTV.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  What other animals would the managers be while we're here, Rob?

• 9:20Speaker 05

  Graham Potter, alpaca, is he similar to Premier League? No, he's gone, he's Sweden manager.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  What's the manager of, the one that looks like Pep?

• 9:28Speaker 05

  Oh, Maresca.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  Maresca, earthworm.

• 9:37Speaker 05

  Carrick's a bit ostrichy for me.

• 9:42Speaker 05

  Aye.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Michael, I hope you're noting these down for the year for the Instagram.

• 9:46Speaker 05

  Right. Let's consider, are we circling? I never know what to say. I don't want to get dragged into actually talking about football properly.

• 9:54Speaker 03

  You know, this Spurs thing.

• 9:56Speaker 05

  What is, talk me through the Spurs thing.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  It's backed up our point last week.

• 10:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  They're just not very good always and they've just got to deal with it.

• 10:05Speaker 05

  But they are a mid-table team at heart.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're a mid-table team in an excellent concert venue, basically. That's what they are.

• 10:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  If, you know, we were talking about teams' average positions last week.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 03

  If someone has loads of time on their hands, could they like just set out the 92 teams in their average positions since? And send it in.

• 10:29Speaker 05

  Who's doing that?

• 10:30Speaker 03

  Send it in.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  Someone working out the last two weeks of redundancy, that is.

• 10:35Speaker 05

  Filling the hours.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  I don't know how you do it, but I'd love to, because Spurs are.

• 10:42Speaker 05

  Why are they so shit though? Because they bought loads. I did a really horrible thing to my mates in a Tottenham WhatsApp group. He'd text and was like, oh, FNL, this happened again. And I knew Marmoosh had played. And I went, he went, oh, we're just not scoring any goals. Well, don't worry, once Marmoosh starts.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 10:57Speaker 05

  You know, you have, it's just so, it's cheap, isn't it?

• 11:00Speaker 03

  No, but it's fun. But there's something about going to Spurs that just fucks you up.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  I think what's happened is really.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  Can a place be toxic? Like, I don't believe that, you know, this is one thing that really angers me on Match of the Day, right?

• 11:16Speaker 05

  Go on.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  So they'll go, um, there'll be a fixture and they'll go, it's a tricky tie for Bournemouth if anyone wants away at Manchester City since 1961. And you'll think, that doesn't matter because that's a completely different team. So none of those Bournemouth players are thinking, oh God, when we lost here in the seventies, it was disastrous. Do you know what I mean?

• 11:39Speaker 05

  Tottenham always beat Man City, weirdly.

• 11:43Speaker 03

  But, or is that you in your head thinking that? Like, do you know what I mean? I think the, the idea that Spurs are Spursy, I, it's just, it can't be real. Because this team is different to the team that Jamie Redknapp played for. They can't have the same failings. It can't be real.

• 12:03Speaker 05

  Well, because the Spursy thing came in where actually they got quite good and then they failed at the final hurdle, like when Leicester won the league.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  But loads of people have done that. So Brendan Rodgers Liverpool failed at the final hurdle and no one was like, that's very Spursy.

• 12:17Speaker 05

  I'd say Tottenham, unfortunately, are the most hated Premier League team in London. Cause.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  No, not by outsiders.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  Well, no, no, no. So Chelsea hate Tottenham more than they hate Arsenal.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 12:31Speaker 05

  Rivalry wise, there's always a big Tottenham Chelsea. West Ham hate Tottenham. Tottenham, but West Ham, you know, like that's probably the main rival, apart from Millwall, but they're not in the league really.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:41Speaker 05

  And Chelsea Fulham, but like they'll, they have their own rivals, but in London, they hate Tottenham the most.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:46Speaker 05

  Palace or Brighton, but then they're a little bit out the loop. But so they've got a lot of, and there's a lot of London centric. True. But I think there's a lot of London centric journalists that then will gang up on them because it's funny. If you're an Arsenal, Chelsea, West Ham fan, that's a massive demographic of people that may influence the media that will then make them the whipping boys.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  But they're, they're making themselves the whipping boys. They keep losing.

• 13:08Speaker 05

  It happened to Arsenal when Arsenal didn't win a trophy for like 10 years or something. That was the big thing, wasn't it? Oh, and then they won the FA Cup that stopped it for a bit.

• 13:15Speaker 03

  Oh, no one cares about the FA Cup. We'll come to that when the FA Cup starts, but no one cares about it anymore. It's a total.

• 13:22Speaker 05

  You wait till you're invited to do the draw before Strictly. You'll have your, you'll have your hand right in that little velvet bag. You and Rod Stewart swirling around Chef Wenzel.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  He's a good booking. Fair play if they get Rod Stewart.

• 13:33Speaker 05

  Have you seen him do it when he's drunk?

• 13:34Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, I have. But that was a while ago, wasn't it?

• 13:36Speaker 05

  That was ages ago. Um, right. Was it Tottenham in shit? Did you see Alanga do the, on re-celebration in front of the Tottenham fans?

• 13:44Speaker 03

  No, I didn't see that. No.

• 13:46Speaker 05

  That's, I mean, that's quite Spursy, like that. An Arsenal fan celebrating as an Arsenal player playing for Newcastle in front of the Tottenham.

• 13:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:54Speaker 05

  It's not ideal, is it?

• 13:56Speaker 03

  It's not. But they can't be in a relegation battle this year, can they, Rob?

• 14:01Speaker 05

  No, not that they can't, they, not with the money they spent, they have to.

• 14:04Speaker 03

  Okay. Is this a mad theory? I'm basing this on a sample of two, right?

• 14:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  What's this Michael's written?

• 14:11Speaker 06

  So Spurs, Spurs' average league position finish since the start of the Premier League is actually sixth.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  No, no, you need to check that.

• 14:20Speaker 05

  Yeah. Uh, uh, excuse me, but I don't want to go all Richard Keys. There was a top flight before the PL.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

• 14:28Speaker 05

  Put some respect on that. Why don't you do, um, suppose his average league position since, um, 1980?

• 14:34Speaker 03

  No, since they started.

• 14:36Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 14:36Speaker 05

  And do you like, so do you like Chelsea? What was that a question?

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Well, I hate Chelsea as a football club generally because I think, I think their fans are the worst of both worlds.

• 14:46Speaker 05

  Go on.

• 14:47Speaker 03

  Posh or like bald racists. Do you know what I mean?

• 14:55Speaker 05

  The worst of both classes.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  The worst of both classes.

• 15:01Speaker 05

  It's true, isn't it?

• 15:01Speaker 03

  I can't, you're like, you can't even pick one horrible group. You've chosen both.

• 15:10Speaker 05

  At least Millwall stick to one.

• 15:13Speaker 03

  So, so I don't really like Chelsea for that reason.

• 15:18Speaker 05

  And then also they bought, they bought, they, they've spent a lot of money as well.

• 15:21Speaker 03

  Yeah. I liked them for one year when Mourinho arrived because I found him absolutely thrilling.

• 15:25Speaker 05

  Oh, he's great. The Mourinho doc did.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  No, it's on my to do. It's on my to do.

• 15:29Speaker 05

  Oh, the Pep doc. Oh, since 1908, Spurs' average league position finish is 11.8. So 12th rounded up. Thank you. So if anything, Tottenham fans should thank us for putting 10th.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

• 15:41Speaker 05

  We're not here as these Premier League newbies. We're talking about it from 19, when is it? 1908?

• 15:48Speaker 03

  1908.

• 15:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, we're the pre-war boys.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, the pre-first world war boys. Free, before the idea of war. Um, can you check Chelsea, Michael?

• 16:01Speaker 05

  Before the idea of war. Um, so have we circled back Haaland's hair?

• 16:06Speaker 03

  Haaland's hair.

• 16:07Speaker 05

  I don't like it when we try and do lists. It don't work, does it?

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Well, let's, let's talk about Harry Maguire.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  Um, let's do Harry Maguire then Pep. Haaland's basically shaved his hair off and it's just not as exciting as it thought it was going to be. It's just a board.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  He just still looks like Erling Haaland. He's one of those people that actually gets his haircut and you realise it's not, what's this Chelsea 12th?

• 16:25Speaker 05

  13th since 1905.

• 16:27Speaker 03

  13th since 1905.

• 16:29Speaker 05

  And do all of them, Michael Weiler.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  They should get that part. They should put that on one of their, you know, those banners that the fans hang up.

• 16:34Speaker 05

  Average position.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  Every club should be forced to hang a huge banner, which is their average league position. Um, could you do Plymouth?

• 16:41Speaker 05

  Harry, Harry, Harry Maguire, right? So I turned the football off when Ian bowled it, then missed, kicked it. And then it bounced off an Ipswich player and went in, but they couldn't rule it out because it was an own goal and it wasn't scored by the person that handballed it, which is absolute bollocks.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 16:59Speaker 05

  Someone handballed it and then got an advantage and then they scored. Surely just rule out the goal.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely insane.

• 17:06Speaker 05

  I just found his World Cup thing so pathetic. Like, you've got me selected for the World Cup. And let's be honest, he had an all right season, but he weren't pulling up trees, was it? He, he weren't amazing. But a deeply average season.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 05

  And I thought, when else would you ever at work publicly, like, like teams being, if you didn't get picked to do Taskmaster, would you, you know, complain on Twitter?

• 17:29Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:29Speaker 05

  Would your mum chip in?

• 17:33Speaker 05

  Just look, Alex Horn, I think it's a disgrace. What haven't you done? What TV show haven't you done?

• 17:39Speaker 03

  I score him.

• 17:39Speaker 05

  Bake off? Done Bake Off?

• 17:40Speaker 03

  No, I've not done, uh, laughed, laugh, Last One Laughing.

• 17:44Speaker 05

  Last One Laughing, right. Have you released a, a statement about your upset anger and rage that you've, you've not been selected so far?

• 17:53Speaker 03

  I haven't, right? Do you think that's why I haven't got it?

• 17:56Speaker 05

  No, I think that's what they're, they're going, look, guys, if Josh was ready, you would have released a statement by now. Also, what happens after statement?

• 18:03Speaker 03

  Also, before the lineups announce, so imagine if the night before the next Last One Laughing lineup is announced, I go public to say, guys, I'm not doing Last One Laughing and my mum is livid. Just so you know, before tomorrow, I've spoken to Jimmy Carr. He phoned me up to tell me that I'm not doing Last One Laughing. Um, and I think it's a disgrace. I, I just want to.

• 18:30Speaker 05

  I've been, I've been really funny this year, actually, at the clubs.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  Really funny.

• 18:34Speaker 05

  I've, I've been really good. Everyone's saying I've been really good. I've got, you know, 18 points in my fantasy comedy league.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 18:43Speaker 05

  Every week.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  And I, I am ready for it. I've done it before. Well, it would be one I've done before. But anyway, um, also I then saw him on The Rest Is Football.

• 18:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:53Speaker 03

  He said, one of the things he said, it blew my mind. He said, I just wanted one more tournament representing England. You're like, well, that doesn't matter. That's another one else's fucking problem, mate.

• 19:05Speaker 05

  It's, it gives a fa, yeah, I'd quite like one. I'd quite like one World Cup, actually, Harry.

• 19:11Speaker 03

  You wanting to do it is neither here nor there.

• 19:14Speaker 05

  It's not asking your mum for an ice cream because your brothers have got two.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  Could you imagine his face when, he must have thought, well, it's all right because it's not like Dan Burns were going to become the most popular person in the squad.

• 19:27Speaker 05

  I don't, I thought it was wild. But anyway, because I quite liked him before that. Maybe he's got, he can redeem himself this season.

• 19:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:33Speaker 05

  With more handballs and deflected goals.

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• 21:14Speaker 03

  Can we talk about the Pep doc?

• 21:15Speaker 05

  Oh, do you want to do your fantasy league and then Pep doc? Or fantasy league at the end? Because you've smashed it, haven't you?

• 21:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've got, I've got an insane amount of points today.

• 21:23Speaker 05

  I don't really understand.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  I don't know how I've done it because I left it. Michael, I've got 87 points.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  This week?

• 21:31Speaker 03

  This week.

• 21:32Speaker 05

  I've got 65. What did you get, Michael?

• 21:35Speaker 06

  I got 79, but the average across the entire system, the ecosystem is only 29. So that's a really, really strong score.

• 21:43Speaker 05

  What's up with smashing it, the old blonde boys going at it? I've still got two players to play.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Have you? Yeah, I've got my Arsenal players to play. I'm going to, I'm going to top 100 points here.

• 21:53Speaker 05

  Who have you got from Arsenal?

• 21:54Speaker 03

  I don't know, do I? I don't know how to look at my team.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  Gabriel.

• 22:01Speaker 05

  Michael, how does it feel that Josh is doing better than you? And he is not even, doesn't even know how to look at his team?

• 22:08Speaker 06

  I mean, if I genuinely cared, it would be quite humiliating, but it doesn't really matter.

• 22:12Speaker 05

  Fair enough. Good response.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've still got, but I just, all my players kept scoring. Pascal Gross, when he scored, I thought we're in here. Haaland, Joao Pedro, Bruno Fernandes. What a week. Can we talk about the Pep doc?

• 22:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, now, the Pep doc is one of the most remarkable documentaries I think I've ever seen.

• 22:32Speaker 03

  Have you watched it all?

• 22:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, I gorged it. I haven't watched Michael Owen's yet, but it's only three or four episodes, but they're quite quick.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  And what is it? Is it the, is it a Man City doc or a Pep doc?

• 22:43Speaker 05

  It's a Pep doc, but it's about Man City when they went a bit crap and lost the league to Arsenal. And I think Liverpool as well, like two seasons. But it was that turning point when they went a bit crap, then they got a bit better. But it's basically, it just keeps, and I don't want to laugh because it is someone's life, but every halftime team talk, it seemed, there was a mention of him going for a divorce.

• 23:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:07Speaker 05

  Which I get is a terrible thing to go for and quite overwhelming, but oh Plymouth, sixth in the League One is their average position.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  Perfect, that's exactly where I'd see ourselves. Perfect.

• 23:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, but he'll say things like, look, guys, we're losing to Bournemouth. But my wife's really fit. If we're getting divorced, she's beautiful and I'm like, what are you thinking? If you're sat there.

• 23:35Speaker 05

  Just go, mate, just have a couple of days off.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  Don't bring it into work.

• 23:39Speaker 05

  No one knows.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Arguably, the fact you're here is, you know, you should be, you know, easing back on the old management thing, not bringing up your divorce at Bournemouth. Do you know what I mean?

• 23:52Speaker 05

  Well, like, you know, imagine being a player and you come home, like, how was work? Was our Pep, Pep was talking about his ex-wife and scratches his head, we lost 2-0.

• 23:59Speaker 03

  You can't be doing that as a boss. I've never, I've worked in workplaces and generally, personal lives are kept separately. That's generally the rule.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  Well, I think you can, if you're being a bit down, someone can say, you're right. And you can explain that you're going for a divorce, but for example, you wouldn't get Michael on here.

• 24:21Speaker 03

  No.

• 24:21Speaker 05

  Interrupting us and going, look, lads, we've had a good first half of the pod, but the anecdotes aren't quite hitting the back of the net here.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  That Tottenham stuff is all over the shop.

• 24:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I don't know if you know, all that circle back shit, but I'm going for a fucking divorce, all right? I need this. You need to sharpen up because I'm having a tough time at home.

• 24:40Speaker 05

  You know, I'll just say, Michael, I think we should stop the recording, you should get some rest.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  It's not that important. It's not that important, Michael.

• 24:48Speaker 05

  So I felt a bit sorry for Pep, but he's completely obsessed.

• 24:51Speaker 03

  Also, he's filming himself while he's doing it, which doesn't.

• 24:54Speaker 05

  Also, it's like, how many wins do you need? He's won everything, what's it matter?

• 24:58Speaker 03

  I know, it doesn't matter. You've only got one marriage and you've got six league titles at Man City. You don't need another one. There's got to be a point when she's like, I didn't sign up to live in Manchester for a decade.

• 25:11Speaker 05

  Well, yeah, because he normally does two to three years and that's.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  He's constantly extending his contract.

• 25:17Speaker 05

  I've told you when I saw Karanka on the train to Middlesbrough, didn't I?

• 25:23Speaker 03

  I don't know how you haven't, poor old.

• 25:25Speaker 05

  I was on a train to Newcastle, I think, or Stockton. To do a gig. Stockton's outside Middlesbrough, isn't it?

• 25:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 05

  And very glamorous lady came in. Stunning, all white, like, she held up the lot.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:40Speaker 05

  Then a handsome man in a suit sat down. I was like, I swear that's a footballer. And then I was going, right, what football are we going to? And they're like, ah, it's Karanka, the new Middlesbrough manager going up.

• 25:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:50Speaker 05

  And I just watched in real time of this, I assume, Spanish lady's face buzzing as she pulled into the first class train carriage at London Euston. And as she slowly crept towards the north, going through a different stop. I think the realisation that moving, you know, to Middlesbrough was very different to

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:13Speaker 05

  living in London or Manchester or.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:16Speaker 05

  And I don't think she was, I don't think she would, she was told the full extent of where Middlesbrough was because it's like, if you are moving from Spain, it's a fairly isolated city to start in.

• 26:28Speaker 03

  Yes, it is, it is. And I, I think, you know, and I think when she's got together, I don't know, but I'm presuming she's got together with Aitor Karanka.

• 26:41Speaker 05

  Great name, isn't it?

• 26:42Speaker 03

  When he's probably playing for Real Madrid. Yeah, that's who he played for, isn't it? And he's working three hours a day and living in probably, you know, an incredible city to live in.

• 26:55Speaker 05

  Well, he was, well, to be fair, she'd done a shift because he did Birmingham for a year, Nottingham Forest for a year. Then Middlesbrough. So they had a good old go at it, but they were there in Middlesbrough for four years. But since then, he went back to Real Madrid as an assistant. And now he's a Spain under 60. I think she went, I'm pulling Ranka, you get me back to fucking Spain, Sharpo.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  Mate, you're not going to be a manager of the top level. Get back to assistant and then we can choose where we live for the love of God. Also, I bet the hours are better as assistant.

• 27:31Speaker 05

  I always thought second reserve goalkeeper is the best job in football.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, so good.

• 27:35Speaker 05

  You do fuck all.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Oh, good.

• 27:38Speaker 05

  Carlo Cudicini, what a career he had doing fucking nothing.

• 27:41Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, people resent that when they're, or Scott Carson, you're like, that's the best gig.

• 27:46Speaker 05

  But then is it, or no, because they're still getting paid well.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  They are.

• 27:50Speaker 05

  Because like, what would be the equivalent?

• 27:52Speaker 03

  Well, I suppose it would be equivalent, Rob. If there was a stand by on this podcast, would you like that role? So you're sat, you're watching this podcast in case one of us gets a sore throat and you've been watching it every episode.

• 28:05Speaker 05

  No, but you wouldn't have to watch it. You could just sit in your house with a laptop near.

• 28:10Speaker 03

  They have to watch the football though, don't they, the goalies?

• 28:13Speaker 05

  So if we had a podcast standing, they'd be watching this and working out like Sol Shah did, ways to sort of penetrate the defence of the, the listeners and get, get jokes in and stories.

• 28:26Speaker 03

  If I come on now, I've got a great eye to Karanka story, they'd be thinking, no, he's fine, he's fine again. My favourite, my favourite detail is when they're in the gloves, when they're already in the gloves.

• 28:37Speaker 05

  What player?

• 28:41Speaker 03

  The gloves are absolutely beautiful.

• 28:44Speaker 05

  I just sort of think, when you're the reserve, you're just going up, sat in the dressing room going, I better tape up the fucking hands again for no reason.

• 28:53Speaker 05

  Just, it must feel a bit, oh.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  But Carlo Cudicini's hands are like softer than mine.

• 29:01Speaker 05

  Just moisturised them and slipping in a glove for 90 minutes.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  I reckon they're like Aitor Karanka's wife's hands, as Carlo Cudicini's.

• 29:10Speaker 05

  Oh, I always think that as well, like, you know, like Mrs Brown's Boys?

• 29:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:16Speaker 05

  Like in the dressing room before going on stage, like, obviously because it's a great act he does and he loves it, but like, when he's pulling on the tights.

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Oh, gosh.

• 29:25Speaker 05

  So you think he just thinks, fuck, why didn't I just do, why did I have to be Mrs Brown? I mean, that moment because like.

• 29:34Speaker 03

  Do you think that's similar to Carlo Cudicini putting on the goalie gloves again?

• 29:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think Brendan O'Carroll.

• 29:40Speaker 03

  Fucking centre back.

• 29:43Speaker 05

  At least I could warm up with my legs and look like, I can't even warm up without looking mental.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  Goalie looks rubbish when you warm up. You know when they, they've got a different guy, they just go to a different area and a guy kicks the ball at them.

• 29:55Speaker 05

  They're very, they're very, it feels like very separate worlds they live.

• 29:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's quite a sad world, I think, being a goalie.

• 30:02Speaker 05

  Well, I think if you're the goalie, it's fine.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  Do you think?

• 30:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, but if you're the reserve goalie, I think that's bleak. But I think it's, they're all quite odd characters, keepers normally, aren't they?

• 30:11Speaker 03

  Often at the lower level, Rob. The reserve keeper's the one that's knocking in the crosses and taking the shots for the warm up.

• 30:21Speaker 05

  Yes, they do. Oh, they actually did loads of crossing.

• 30:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:24Speaker 05

  Well, they volley really hard at their hands.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:28Speaker 05

  It's massive volley. It's always like a goalkeeping coach. I wear the little skinny tracksuits to look good on the players, but there's just a fucking 50-year-old bloke with a massive gut volleying balls at a keeper because he played for Leyton Orient 10 years ago.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  Should we go through the results? Like, because not just...

• 30:48Speaker 05

  Come on, I don't even know what's going on with the league.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  Okay, so Chelsea beat Brighton 4-3. Chelsea are exciting.

• 30:55Speaker 05

  They are exciting this year.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  Sunderland won 4-0. I mean, come on. Leeds won, Brentford won. Dominic Calvert-Lewin, as we discussed.

• 31:05Speaker 05

  Tottenham are actually bottom of the table.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  Tottenham are bottom?

• 31:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, because they've got the worst goal difference.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, they are with Crystal Palace.

• 31:12Speaker 05

  They haven't scored a goal yet. The only team not to score a goal in the whole league. Oh, that's funny, isn't it?

• 31:16Speaker 03

  Fuck me, yesterday, Rob, I had to listen. I didn't have to, I was driving at 3pm. I thought, I'll put the football on.

• 31:21Speaker 05

  Oh, no, sorry. Aston Villa and Coventry haven't scored either.

• 31:24Speaker 03

  No, it's bleak, isn't it? Yesterday, Rob.

• 31:29Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:30Speaker 03

  I was driving. It was Coventry versus Hull for two hours.

• 31:37Speaker 05

  So you listened to the game?

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Listened to the game.

• 31:39Speaker 05

  So what's happening? Have you got the wife and kids in the car?

• 31:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:44Speaker 05

  Right. So, but they're on iPads, headphones. You froze listening to Hull-Covey?

• 31:48Speaker 03

  Well, it was on quietly so we could talk. I wasn't intently listening.

• 31:52Speaker 05

  You weren't glued, you weren't lasered in?

• 31:53Speaker 03

  I wasn't like one of those people on the last day of the season with a, with a radio to my ear. I wasn't one of those.

• 31:59Speaker 05

  No.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  I was, I had it on quietly because they go around the grounds of the goals. So you get to hear the Plymouth goals when they go in.

• 32:06Speaker 05

  Right, okay.

• 32:07Speaker 03

  But fuck me, I was thinking, what am I doing with my life here? Coventry v Hull.

• 32:13Speaker 05

  You don't need to listen to that for this. I mean, we barely...

• 32:15Speaker 03

  No, I didn't need to listen to that for this, but I don't, you know, I just...

• 32:18Speaker 05

  Talking about the actual, actual games is so boring, isn't it?

• 32:21Speaker 03

  It's so dry. It's so many of the games. Okay, Hull. I don't think Coventry. Okay, here we go.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  Tottenham, Tottenham Newcastle. What's going on with Tottenham? That's the big story of the weekend. Why tactically are they shit?

• 32:35Speaker 03

  I don't know. Because when Chelsea won 4-3 today, I looked at their team on the Sky Sports app. Yeah.

• 32:43Speaker 05

  Do you not use Flash Score?

• 32:45Speaker 03

  No, what's Flash Score?

• 32:47Speaker 05

  You like Flash Score? That's the best for goals and lineups. Michael, what do you use for goals?

• 32:52Speaker 06

  Uh, just BBC and FPL.

• 32:54Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry, I didn't know I was doing a podcast with my fucking father-in-law.

• 32:59Speaker 05

  So you just go onto BBC Sport and look there, you fucking credit.

• 33:04Speaker 06

  That is flash, Flash Score.

• 33:07Speaker 05

  Mate, once you get into Flash Score, it's got a lot on there. Lineups, goal scorers.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  Lineups and goal scorers. At least he'd fucking expect it.

• 33:15Speaker 06

  Oh, wow. Goal scorers. Holy shit. Are we in the future?

• 33:20Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry. Let's go back to your teletext. Got 302, yeah?

• 33:24Speaker 03

  So, I like it.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  Standing, so much slicker than the BBC website. And what do you go on, Josh? Premier League app?

• 33:31Speaker 03

  Sky Sports Football app.

• 33:32Speaker 05

  But don't you want to do all the...

• 33:34Speaker 03

  That's got the highlights on it. Have you got the highlights on Flash Score?

• 33:38Speaker 05

  What do you mean the highlights? How soon can you see the goals?

• 33:40Speaker 03

  About an hour afterwards.

• 33:42Speaker 05

  That is actually good, to be fair.

• 33:45Speaker 05

  I don't have that on Flash Score.

• 33:48Speaker 05

  I...

• 33:51Speaker 03

  I, but yeah, I've got nothing to say tactically because...

• 33:55Speaker 05

  No, I don't understand tactically.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  I went on to the Chelsea team on Sky Sports, yeah.

• 33:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm doing that now on Flash Score. Go on, yeah.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, and they're playing 3-4-3. Right?

• 34:03Speaker 05

  Oh, they dropped their goalkeeper. They put a new goalkeeper in.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, they've got the Villa guy now.

• 34:07Speaker 05

  Oh, did they buy him?

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, they bought the Villa guy.

• 34:10Speaker 05

  This week?

• 34:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:11Speaker 05

  Fucking hell, it's hard to keep up with it.

• 34:15Speaker 05

  Well, he's had a good start, conceded three. Thank God they got him in.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  The other guy, gloves on, on the bench.

• 34:23Speaker 05

  Oh. To be fair, the way he plays, you take his gloves off, have no fucking hands after what happened last week.

• 34:30Speaker 03

  So, he, but yeah, they're playing 3-4-3. A minute, last season, Rob.

• 34:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Man U couldn't handle that at all. Suddenly Chelsea are brilliant with it. Why am I bothering with tactics? I spent a whole year being told by journalists that Man U's 3-4-3, they're a movable 3-4-3. It was a waste of time.

• 34:51Speaker 05

  Well, no, the reason, there are, so there are footballers, I speak to, that understand these tactics and they'll watch a game and be able to tell you what's going to happen in it because of the way that all the players are moving. But that's so boring, isn't it?

• 35:03Speaker 03

  So boring. It's, I'd much rather hear about I took her ankle on a train to Middlesbrough.

• 35:08Speaker 05

  High press.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  Oh, so bored of it.

• 35:11Speaker 05

  They've gone for an extreme high press. How about you fucking launch it to a big lad who nods it down for a little fella and bang?

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Do you know what?

• 35:18Speaker 05

  Michael Owen, Heskey, bang.

• 35:20Speaker 03

  Do you know what I've noticed about this, right? You get these managers and they go, he's brilliant because his team just presses everyone, right?

• 35:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:29Speaker 03

  Who's not pressing? Because it seems like that's, everyone who's good is pressing.

• 35:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, but all pressing is, is if someone's got the ball, run at them and try and get the ball. I mean, that's, that, when I played, if you did it with another mate, it'd be called bunching. And everyone would shout, stop bunching, stop bunching. I'm like, it's a high press.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  My football team at primary school, we had a fucking incredible press because wherever the ball was, there was 10 men on it. It was...

• 36:00Speaker 05

  We'd be so good at pressing, we'd press ourselves.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  It was unbelievable. The pressing was off the charts.

• 36:07Speaker 05

  Stop bunching. That's all I remember from the first five years of playing football.

• 36:10Speaker 03

  When I started football, when I started football, playing football briefly at primary school for a team, Liverton, right?

• 36:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  I realised everyone was bunching. And I just stood outside the bunch a bit.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:25Speaker 03

  And then the ball would pop out of the bunch, like a kind of pinball. And then I'd be through on goal and I scored quite a few. And I thought, I'm fucking good at football. And then the moment people stopped bunching.

• 36:39Speaker 05

  Nothing.

• 36:40Speaker 03

  I was gone.

• 36:41Speaker 05

  Um, any, any, oh, shall we do some emails quickly? People are sending emails.

• 36:45Speaker 03

  Thank you for the emails. Hi, Rob and Josh and Michael. When I was at university, I worked half of the season as a waitress at Stamford Bridge.

• 36:52Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, please.

• 36:53Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 36:54Speaker 05

  Yes, please.

• 36:54Speaker 03

  I can confirm their fans are the two worst types of human beings.

• 37:03Speaker 05

  Posh and scum. Posh and scum.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  No, it was the season of 2007-8, so that's the last Mourinho season. I can confirm that Jose Mourinho is unbelievably intense. I used to work pre-game in the players VIP lounge. So if it was a 7.45 kick-off, we'd have a huge table with fruits, cereals. Cereals?

• 37:31Speaker 05

  7.45?

• 37:33Speaker 03

  For the evening game.

• 37:34Speaker 05

  They're just doing that. I sometimes have that sugary cereal as a treat.

• 37:39Speaker 03

  Mattia Kesman's having a bowl of Cocoa Pops.

• 37:44Speaker 05

  Ida Johnson's smashing back wheat a bit. Who's had all the wheatos? Oh, Joe Cole's been in.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Fucking hell. Claude Macalale, he's had four bowls of fruit and fibre.

• 38:00Speaker 05

  Where's Adrian Moutu? Get off that. That's sugar on the shredded wheat. Calm down. Get your nose out me bowl.

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Right, so it's fruit, cereals and all sorts of carb-heavy foods.

• 38:20Speaker 05

  What's Shevchenko doing here?

• 38:25Speaker 05

  Sorry.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  Shevchenko and Drogba going for the same bowl again.

• 38:29Speaker 05

  And a crespo's on a bagel, good lad.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:33Speaker 05

  That's a dead smelly crumble. Those random Chelsea players. Sorry.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  Sorry. Mourinho would often sit in the corner whispering to someone or merely just staring. Fuck.

• 38:45Speaker 05

  He's completely nuts.

• 38:47Speaker 03

  He was highly unnerving and I would choose to skirt around his table and not clear his plate, hoping that someone else would. I didn't enjoy the job and preferred to work at the Oval as it was a far nicer, more relaxed atmosphere. Yes, cricket is just getting hammered after every fucking game. I enjoyed the first episode, so keep it coming from Jen.

• 39:05Speaker 05

  Thanks, Jen. More of that, more inside, frontline, insider from the frontline.

• 39:10Speaker 03

  I'd love to know what footballers are eating. Any inside from the frontline, please let us know.

• 39:14Speaker 05

  What weird stuff you've seen footballers eat if you worked at the training ground or the stadium?

• 39:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 01

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• 39:54Speaker 02

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• 40:58Speaker 05

  Irrational team rivalry behaviour.

• 41:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:02Speaker 05

  Buzz about your new podcast, listening to the story about the guy who won't even drive through Plymouth because he's an ex-Inter fan.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 05

  Reminded me that when I was a kid, I would never eat the Penguins biscuit, not birds, with the blue wrappers, whom my mum bought them for the family because I was a Liverpool fan.

• 41:17Speaker 03

  What?

• 41:17Speaker 05

  I'm now 50 and my football superstitions have only got worse.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  With the blue wrappers?

• 41:21Speaker 05

  Yeah. As my partner once walked in on a match, just as a goal went in against us, he is now never allowed in the living room when I'm watching Liverpool, as I deemed him to be bad luck. I watch every match, so this means regular banishment. All the best, Susan. Bloody hell, Susan.

• 41:36Speaker 03

  That's too much.

• 41:37Speaker 05

  That's a bit much. I've just highlighted that in blue to say we've read it. Just to fuck Susan up.

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Do you think she won't have an Everton mint as well? Do you remember my European Super League idea that I think is going to save football?

• 41:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Hi guys, I've just listened to Josh's idea about the Super League, where you have top league, second league, and then the four bottom teams of the second league are relegated back into their countries.

• 42:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, so basically there is a European Super League, but so Tottenham, for example, would have got relegated out of it last season and then someone else would go in.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  Four teams get relegated back to the domestic league and a play-off of the best four domestic sides to promote happens. I couldn't help but notice that there would be a problem if the teams who were relegated from the Super League weren't from the same countries as the teams who were promoted to it. Yes.

• 42:21Speaker 05

  Oh, so don't we just do the worst team of that country?

• 42:24Speaker 03

  If a team got promoted to the Super League from the Prem and none came down, there'd only be 19 teams left in the Prem, so you'd have to give a relegated team a reprieve, which would lose the jeopardy of the... No, no, no, no, no. So you've got two options here. You've got one, right, which is that each domestic league just has to readjust, so you'd promote an extra team from the Championship. It's fine.

• 42:44Speaker 05

  This does get messy.

• 42:46Speaker 03

  Well, the second is, you just get relegated into the league of the team who replaces you, whoever you are, so...

• 42:54Speaker 05

  They all of a sudden...

• 42:55Speaker 03

  Spartate Moscow in the Premier League.

• 42:57Speaker 05

  There you go. Wow. That's a spicy away day. Look at it.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  It's a difficult one.

• 43:07Speaker 05

  The Tractor Boys.

• 43:12Speaker 05

  Off they go. Ferry over to mainland Europe, long old drive.

• 43:19Speaker 05

  Got a combine harvester on the fucking autobahn. Well, next up, Moscow.

• 43:27Speaker 03

  So whoever gets relegated goes back into the leagues of the four promoted teams willy-nilly. They're just assigned to those teams. The nearest... You can go to the nearest four. The four that are relegated can pick which teams to which leagues they go in. They can debate it.

• 43:43Speaker 05

  Right, I think that could be fun. Or you just do the lowest people in each country get relegated.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. That's a more reasonable but less fun. So, Rob, no more. As a football widow, it would be really fun if you guys could give us a comment to say when the match is on, right, e.g. a big Sunday afternoon match, something everyone will watch. So we confuse our football-watching partners with our amazing insightful football knowledge.

• 44:08Speaker 05

  Oh, I don't know if we can help.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Well, let's... It can't be too specific because we won't know if the player is on the pitch or bench, mainly because we don't care unless... Right, so...

• 44:16Speaker 05

  So what do we need? We need some generic...

• 44:17Speaker 03

  So let's have a look at next Sunday's 4.30pm.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  Yes, because that's the big one. Who's on?

• 44:22Speaker 03

  Arsenal v Chelsea. So I think you could say, do you remember when Kanu scored that wild goal against Chelsea where he's basically...

• 44:32Speaker 05

  The hat-trick.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  The hat-trick, where he's basically on the touchline.

• 44:35Speaker 05

  Or, I think this is a bit more niche, but if you're... They should go, now Morgan Rogers has signed to Chelsea, are they both doing the cold celebration or is it just Cole Palmer?

• 44:46Speaker 03

  Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fun.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  So that's quite good, isn't it? Because basically he has that celebration where he looks like he's cold and rubs his arms, but Morgan Rogers does it and so does Cole Palmer, but Morgan Rogers reckons he did it first.

• 44:58Speaker 03

  Well, you can say that. You could say that. The other thing you could say with Chelsea v Arsenal is you could say, have you noticed Chelsea have the two worst types of human beings supporting them?

• 45:09Speaker 03

  How about... Is there anyone that's played for both teams? There's got to be loads of players that play. William Gallas.

• 45:15Speaker 05

  Cesc Fabregas.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  Cesc Fabregas. You could say...

• 45:19Speaker 05

  So who do you think will be... Who do you reckon Cesc Fabregas will be supporting today, Arsenal or Chelsea?

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 05

  Because obviously Arsenal through and through, but Wenger refused to sign him when he came back to the Prem because Arsenal had fucking De Nielsen.

• 45:32Speaker 03

  And before you know it, there he was at Stamford Bridge having a bowl of Calabasas at 6pm.

• 45:37Speaker 05

  Fabregas going back to Chelsea still upsets me.

• 45:41Speaker 03

  But you know, Rob, think about it this way. Think about it this way. Bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes, Stamford Bridge, 7pm, Cesc Fabregas tucking in before the match.

• 45:52Speaker 05

  He wouldn't be on that. He would have been All Bran or something. He was a sensible player.

• 45:55Speaker 03

  That, by the way, is from Josie, Jules and Ted.

• 45:59Speaker 05

  Josie, Jules and Ted.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Also, where do we start? Is it possible to just become a football fan? Bournemouth is our local team. That's useful information. So is it possible to just get into football, Rob?

• 46:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, just go get a ticket and go and watch Bournemouth play. They're a good team.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  If you just follow a team, you will soon pick them up. You will soon get into them.

• 46:19Speaker 05

  I find it really embarrassing that people care loads if their team win or lose.

• 46:24Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 46:24Speaker 05

  I love the sort of fun of it and the soap opera, but like, if Arsenal lose, say Arsenal lost 4-0 to Tottenham, I'd be annoyed for about 20 minutes, 20 seconds probably. Must have turned it off. I've completely forgotten. But these people, they let it hang over them all week, or even worse, they gloat about it all week.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 46:42Speaker 05

  I just... It just cringes me out.

• 46:44Speaker 03

  How long do you care, Michael?

• 46:46Speaker 06

  I love football, but it does not affect my emotional wellbeing. I think there's a point in your life where you reach a sort of level of emotional maturity where football should not dictate your mood beyond the match itself.

• 46:58Speaker 03

  Let us know.

• 46:58Speaker 05

  If you're going for a divorce, just let us know, fucking hell.

• 47:04Speaker 06

  For fuck's sake, guys, you haven't talked about embarrassing football icks when fans flinch behind the goal.

• 47:09Speaker 05

  Oh, yes.

• 47:10Speaker 06

  Get your shit together. Is Florian Wirtz still rubbish? For fuck's sake!

• 47:15Speaker 05

  Sorry, let's circle back. Let's circle back. Josh, is Florian Wirtz still rubbish?

• 47:19Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 47:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, and send in your football icks and which informees people flinch in behind the goal and send in...

• 47:27Speaker 03

  So sorry, you're stood behind the goal.

• 47:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:30Speaker 03

  Are you just... And Cole Palmer's through a goal.

• 47:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  And he shoots.

• 47:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  And you think it's going to hit you.

• 47:39Speaker 05

  Josh, if I'm behind the net, I'm hoping the net will catch it.

• 47:42Speaker 03

  But, yeah, yeah.

• 47:45Speaker 05

  If you're behind the goal where there's a net and you're flinching, if you're by the post, I get it. And there's a chance... I get it. But if you're behind the goal, there's a net and you're flinching, don't sit there. You're not built for it.

• 47:59Speaker 03

  Also, it's the shittest place to sit in the whole of the stadium.

• 48:04Speaker 05

  Awful. Unless someone scores and that's good. It's good.

• 48:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, but it makes up for it. But when the ball is at the other end, if you're stood behind the goal...

• 48:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's crap.

• 48:12Speaker 03

  That is absolute shite. The end is rubbish. I'm sorry. The end is a bad view.

• 48:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, I agree. Oh, should we? We're supposed to be ringing fans of clubs when their team's been shit to wind up. What Tottenham fans could be ringing? I know you know a couple of TV producers at Tottenham.

• 48:30Speaker 06

  Reece James.

• 48:31Speaker 03

  Reece James.

• 48:31Speaker 05

  Oh, is he a Tottenham fan? Should we ring him and ask him why Tottenham are shit?

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:36Speaker 05

  That is fun, isn't it?

• 48:42Speaker 05

  Hello, mate. Did you call me or was that an accident? No, I did call you. I'm doing Football in Hell with Josh and we just wanted to find out why Spurs are shit.

• 48:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's not great, is it? I think there's a sort of witch's curse going on.

• 48:55Speaker 05

  Right, okay, because you've bought loads of players now, you've got a good manager, and it's sort of exactly the same as the last two seasons. What's...

• 49:03Speaker 04

  Well, give it a second. I mean, come on, we've got a whole catalogue of players. You know when you...

• 49:08Speaker 05

  So the problem is you've got players?

• 49:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, but they're not gelled yet, okay? They're not mixing. You know when you buy a new outfit and the first day you wear it, everyone can tell?

• 49:20Speaker 05

  Right.

• 49:20Speaker 04

  Everyone's looking at you going, "All right, new outfit." That's what people are doing with Omar Marmoosh.

• 49:25Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 49:26Speaker 04

  That's what everyone can tell. He's got a new striker and it's not working yet.

• 49:29Speaker 03

  So he's... You know when the outfit's wearing you rather than you're wearing the outfit? Omar Marmoosh is being worn by Tottenham rather than Tottenham wearing him.

• 49:37Speaker 05

  I've worked out a problem here, Reece. You can't hear Josh. I'm going to have to push it through. So what do you want to ask Reece, Josh?

• 49:45Speaker 03

  Well, is he on tour?

• 49:46Speaker 05

  Reece, are you on tour? Do you want to plug anything?

• 49:49Speaker 04

  I'm just walking to my last Edinburgh show, the Edinburgh run today.

• 49:52Speaker 05

  Oh, you're walking to your last Edinburgh show?

• 49:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:55Speaker 05

  It's not ideal prep this, is it?

• 49:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's really getting me in the mood to have a laugh. Thanks for that. I went on stage just after, me and Spencer Jones and John Kearns watched the game yesterday, and Luke McQueen, big Arsenal fan.

• 50:06Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  And I went on stage immediately after that yesterday, so, you know, that was the worst one of the run.

• 50:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course. You're bottom of the league, conceded five, not scored one. Josh has got a quick question for you before you go on stage. What is it, Josh?

• 50:18Speaker 03

  What does he think Spurs' natural league position is? And there is a...

• 50:21Speaker 05

  What do you think Spurs' natural, most obvious league position? If you think of a position in the league for Tottenham, what would it be?

• 50:29Speaker 04

  Sixth.

• 50:30Speaker 05

  Sixth. In the Premier League era, you're right, but since the start of the league, it's actually 12th. I said 10th.

• 50:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, sorry. I'm doing Premier League here.

• 50:38Speaker 05

  No, no, we're doing pre-war. We're doing pre-war.

• 50:43Speaker 05

  Sixty Dean scored more than Alan Shearer, mate.

• 50:46Speaker 04

  Is it not enough that you've conquered the realm of parenting? What's happened? Have your kids got too old?

• 50:52Speaker 05

  Aye. But anyway, I have a...

• 50:53Speaker 04

  Don't worry, I'm an avid listener. I'm an avid listener to the other one.

• 50:56Speaker 05

  Oh, are you?

• 50:56Speaker 04

  Although I don't have kids and have no interest in having kids, I listen to your other podcasts. But I can't listen to this one because you're going to slag off Spurs every week.

• 51:03Speaker 05

  Well, no. Well, there's an answer to that, Reece. Fucking win, and we won't.

• 51:07Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, this is really getting me in the mood.

• 51:10Speaker 05

  Right, let's make this positive, Reece. What... How will Deserby make them gel? What's the plan? When do you start winning them again?

• 51:17Speaker 04

  He lost his first five games for Brighton, I think, Deserby.

• 51:21Speaker 05

  Right.

• 51:21Speaker 04

  And then he got quite good for a bit. Whereas Thomas Frank won his first two games for Spurs, and that's the worst manager I've ever seen in my life.

• 51:28Speaker 05

  No, no, you had Igor Tudor immediately after.

• 51:30Speaker 04

  He was all right. He drew against Liverpool.

• 51:32Speaker 05

  He was dog shit.

• 51:34Speaker 03

  He was awful.

• 51:35Speaker 04

  He got them fit again. He got them fit for Deserby.

• 51:37Speaker 05

  Fit for fucking what? The Championship?

• 51:40Speaker 03

  How do you get fit halfway through the season?

• 51:42Speaker 04

  Fit to 17th place again. Ole, Ole.

• 51:44Speaker 05

  Reece, have a good gig. What's your show called?

• 51:47Speaker 04

  Top Logic. It's the last one. I'll be phoning it in big time since you are coming tonight. I'm sorry, I'm a bit unlucky. I gave it to you yesterday.

• 51:54Speaker 05

  Cheers, Reece. Good luck on tour.

• 51:57Speaker 04

  Thank you. See you later.

• 51:58Speaker 05

  Cheers, bye. See, some Spurs fans are all right.

• 52:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. If they keep losing, I'll phone Josh Pugh about Coventry next week. See you later.

• 52:05Speaker 05

  Big one. Chelsea Arsenal next week. That'd be a good game.

• 52:08Speaker 03

  Oh, that'd be a good game. That'll be a good game. I look forward to it.

• 52:12Speaker 05

  See you next week!

• 52:14Speaker 03

  Oh, I forgot to talk about what they wore on match of the day. Bye.

• 52:17Speaker 05

  What did they wear?

• 52:18Speaker 03

  It was fine.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  The award-winning series The Diplomat is back for its fourth season, now streaming only on Netflix. Keri Russell stars as Kate Wyler. In a stunning realisation, Kate connects the dots that Russia's most powerful weapon is missing, and her husband Hal conspired with President Grace Penn in a dangerous plan to steal it, all behind her back. Kate is left reeling as she begins to question Hal's growing relationship with President Penn. Emmy winner Alison Janney returns with Rufus Sewell and Bradley Whitford. Watch The Diplomat, now playing only on Netflix.

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