Chicks Dig Scars | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

In this episode of Friday Field Notes, Ryan Michler breaks down the core fundamental needs that dictate relationship success or failure: women crave safety, while men crave respect. Drawing from his own 18-year marriage, divorce, and years of self-reflection, Ryan dispels common misconceptions around modern dating and red-pill rhetoric. He explains why safety isn't about avoiding conflict, but about consistent emotional regulation, clear leadership, and unwavering stability. Conversely, he addresses why men desperately need genuine respect and appreciation - not entitlement or passive compliance. Tune in to learn actionable ways both men and women can step up, fulfill each other's core needs, and build a resilient, long-lasting partnership. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS 00:00 Welcome & Qualification Through Failure 03:09 The Core Need of Women in Relationships 04:45 Why Uncertainty Destroys Relationship Safety 07:45 Consistent Emotional Regulation vs. Volatility 10:08 How Men Build True Safety & Security 14:54 Rejecting Red Pill Myths Around Leadership 17:02 The Core Need of Men: Respect & Appreciation 19:29 The Entitlement Trap & Earning Devotion 21:48 Raising the Bar for Masculine Standards 25:09 How Women Can Soften & Support Their Men 29:49 The Power of Complementary Dynamics Battle Planners: Pick yours up today! https://store.orderofman.com/products/order-of-man-annual-battle-planner Order Ryan's new book, The Masculinity Manifesto https://www.amazon.com/Masculinity-Manifesto-Establishes-Influence-Credibility/dp/1684513316/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1665048672&sr=8-1. For more information on the Iron Council brotherhood https://orderofman.link/iron-council. Want maximum health, wealth, relationships, and abundance in your life? Sign up for our free course, 30 Days to Battle Ready https://orderofman.link/battle-ready-0

• 0:00Speaker 00

  And this is what I hate about the red pill movement and Meg Tao and incels and all these other assholes frankly is they'll tell you that if you're trying to create safety and stability for the woman in your life, that somehow you're a beta and you're a cuck. You're not. You're actually the man. That's your job to create safety and stability. Now, the commitment was, I will protect, I will provide, and I will preside. That's the commitment you made when you enter a long-term relationship with a woman.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  Men, welcome to the Order of Man podcast. Whether this is the first time that you're joining us and tuning in after 11 years of leading immense movement to reclaim and restore masculinity, or you've been listening to us for the past 11 years, I want to welcome you today. I've had a lot of conversations over the past couple of weeks with guys who are struggling in their relationships. And obviously with relationships, there's a lot that goes to it. If you've been following me for any amount of time, you might even question whether or not I'm qualified to have this conversation because I went through my divorce about three and a half years ago.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  And quite frankly, it's been the greatest failure of my life. I mean, I can't sugarcoat it any better than that. It has been a huge failure. It's been a cloud that has loomed over my head. And as much as somebody might say, well, Ryan, you're not qualified to have this conversation, I actually think I am. And I'll tell you why. Number one, I was married for 18 years. I was with my ex for 20 years. If longevity is the indicator of somebody's qualification or acumen on talking about relationships, when you get to 18 years, then you can talk with me about it. But if you've been married for five, or 10, or 15, if you're basing it on longevity of the

• 1:56Speaker 00

  relationship, then you're not qualified to talk about it. Not only do you think I'm not, you're not. So that's one thing. And I don't think it's about the longevity of the relationship. I actually think it's more about your ability to learn from the lessons that life has handed you. And in this case, in many of our cases, the situations and circumstances that we have created for ourselves. I don't like the passive language of my circumstances, or the situation I found myself in. No, I created a lot of this negative situation for myself, for my ex, and for my children. And over the past three and a half years, I've had to come to terms with that.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  But over the course of a very successful relationship for many of our marriage years, and over the course of really doing a lot of self-analysis and reflection on what I could have done differently to show up, and what maybe even she could have done differently to show up in the relationship, I've come to the conclusion that men primarily and generally are after one thing from the woman in their life. And women are primarily and generally interested in one thing from the man in their life. So that's what I'm going to talk with you about today. And I'm going to give you some insights into how to address these things, how to communicate

• 3:19Speaker 00

  effectively with your significant other about what you need, and also to elicit and inspire and influence what you're looking for from your partner, once you know exactly what it is. So, what I'll say is, first and foremost, let's talk about what your wife, the woman in your life, is looking for from you in a long-term, sustainable relationship. It's very simply one thing. And guys, it manifests itself in a lot of different ways. And there's a lot of different strategies and tactics that you can employ and use in order to foster, in order to build this

• 4:03Speaker 00

  type of relationship with your wife. But the one thing that she's after more than anything else is very simply this, it's safety. She wants safety, guys. She wants to know that she's secure. She wants to know that she's free to express herself. She wants to know what version of the husband that she married is she getting when you walk in the door, when you show up on the weekend, when you wake up in the morning. What she does not want, the antithesis of safety, is not violence, it's uncertainty. Hear me when I say that. The antithesis of safety is not

• 4:43Speaker 00

  violence, or threat of violence, or fear, it's uncertainty. This is why, and I'm going to explain this, I'm going to, I'm going to help you guys understand why I'm saying what I'm saying. I've been fascinated with the idea that both men and women will stay in emotionally, verbally, and even physically abusive relationships to their detriment. Why would they do that? Well, the reason they do it is because the fear of the unknown, uncertainty, is greater than the fear of them staying exactly where they are. We've all heard the phrase, the devil you know.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  This is, this is what I'm talking about. A woman, or a man frankly, will stay in a relationship, an abusive relationship, because she knows that at least she has the certainty of that versus the fear of getting a job, the fear of providing her own way, the fear of other people who are coming to her life, the fear of rejection, the fear of what other people might think about her. It's not necessarily the fear of, it's the uncertainty. It's the doubt, it's the concern. This is why when you as a man come home, at the end of the day, and you walk into the house,

• 6:04Speaker 00

  and you fully expect it to be this picturesque moment where your children leap into your arms, and your wife comes in in her apron, and she's got dinner cooking on the stove, and she greets you with a deep embrace, and a hug, and a kiss. That's the vision that you have in your mind, but reality paints a different story. The reality for most men is that you come home, and little Timmy and little Susie scatter. Your wife might not be anywhere to be found, and you walk in the door, the kingdom, the castle, if you will, and you're like, why is nobody worshiping me? Well, the reason they're not worshiping you is because they're not quite

• 6:46Speaker 00

  sure what version of dad and husband they're going to get. And in the absence of uncertainty, leaves a lot of doubt, leaves a lot of confusion, leaves a lot of frustration, and withdrawal. Of course, they're going to withdraw. They would love the ideal version of you. And you might say to yourself, well, I came home excited today. Yeah, cool story, but what about the other seven days, six days of the week? Did you come home agitated? Did you come home frustrated? Did you come home on edge? Did you come home impatient, or impractical, or irrational? Because if you did, one day of you coming home in a good mood isn't going to offset the other

• 7:30Speaker 00

  six days of you coming home in a crappy mood. And nobody wants to guess. Nobody wants to wonder what it's like when dad's going to get home. You know what they do want, especially the woman in your life? She wants to know that you, as a man, are going to show up consistently, steady, that although you might have had a bad day, you're going to still show up powerfully, you're going to still show up emotionally regulated, you're going to still show up in a way that she can lean on and rely on you. You're not going to lose your cool. You're not going to be impatient. You're going to be kind and caring and empathetic. You're going to ask her about her day. You're going to be vested in what she's doing. You're going to be vested in what the kids are doing.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  You're going to tuck the kids in and put them to bed. You're going to play games with them. You're going to ask them about their day. And you're going to be fully present despite what else you might have going on that is concerning you. And guys, this is the reality of the situation. My kids don't know everything about what's going on in my life, by design. Now, I'm pretty vocal, I'm pretty forward, and I'm pretty honest with them. But they don't know all the pains of my day. They don't know all the frustrations. They don't know when I lose a big client. They don't know when I'm struggling to make a bill payment, or they don't know any of that. And they shouldn't know any of that. Because I don't want to put that on their shoulders.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  What they see, ideally, not always, I'm willing to admit that, but ideally, what they see is a man who comes home and is engaged, period. And your wife is no different. Now, I'm not comparing her to your child, but she's no different. She wants to know that you got this, that you can handle this, that whatever circumstance you might be confronted with, whatever situation, whatever bad news you might be confronted with, that my man has got this taken care of.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  And she wants to see an emotionally regulated man. She wants to see a man who can control himself, who can control his impulses, whether it's addiction, or frustration, or

• 9:39Speaker 00

  I mean, you name the vice. She wants to know that you can control yourself, impatience, frustration, anger. These are all things I experience and I'm not above letting those three, those things creep, creep out from time to time, but the more I do that, the more volatility I create in the lives of the people that care about me. So twofold on this, how do you create safety? And then secondary, not even secondary, but in addition to, how does a woman, and this goes for our female listeners, how does she elicit safety from her man? So let's talk about the first one. What do you do? Number one, emotional regulation. Guys, you gotta be regulated emotionally.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  If you're losing your shit, if you're coming unhinged, if the slightest little adversity buckles and crumbles you and makes you angry or agitated, or makes you cowardly and wimpy, of course, she's not going to give you what you want. And we'll talk about that in a minute. But also she's not getting what she wants. Maintain your frame. Be a man. Yeah, bad things happen. Some of them are your fault, some of them are not your fault and bad things happen. And so what are you gonna do? Throw the equivalent of a temper tantrum in a grocery store when your two-year-old bangs on the floor because he's not getting a SpongeBob icy pop or whatever it is? Like that's childish behavior and we laugh and we ridicule and we mock that behavior,

• 11:08Speaker 00

  but many men do the same exact thing. And they ask themselves, well, why doesn't my wife care about me? Why doesn't she respect me? Why doesn't she believe in me? Because you're acting like a damn child. We don't act like that. We create safety and security. Now, look, when it comes to what you can do, I'm not saying that to create safety and security, you need to avoid having difficult conversations with her. I'm not even saying that you can't talk to her about a bad day. You should be able to do that. But if you can't talk to her about a bad day without losing your cool and swearing and getting agitated and losing your patience and raising your voice, that's not masculine or manly behavior. That's acting like a child.

• 11:53Speaker 00

  You can have a bad day and say, hey babe, had a really bad day today, lost a big client, very frustrated. I might be a little distant tonight, but tomorrow I'm going to get to work. I'm going to make some calls. I'm going to secure some new clients and we're going to get over this. That's safety. Safety from her perspective is not, it's not believing that you never have a bad day. It's knowing that regardless of a bad day, you're the kind of man who can handle the situation. The best way I've ever heard it described for the relationship between men and women is that men are to be the bull. It's the structure. It's the support.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  It's the boundaries in which women can operate. And, and women like that. They might not say it because of this third world feminist idea, or the third wave feminist idea, but they like it. They like structure. They like guidance. They like discipline. They like knowing that you're going to lead. They, they like knowing that you can take work off of their plate. They, women love that because it's safe to them if they believe in you. And if you can elicit that sort of response from the woman in your life, not only will you feel better about the man that you are, she's going to feel better about the man you are, which allows her to slide into her feminine role, which is to be nurturing and kind and

• 13:23Speaker 00

  empathetic and beautiful and lovely. And inevitably, when I say beautiful, I met with a bunch of screeching feminists who say, I can't believe you talk about beauty. Are you kidding? What kind of man doesn't want the woman in his life to be beautiful? And I'm not just talking about physical beauty, although that is an aspect. We're visual creatures as men, but I want, I want the woman in my life to be lovely. I want her to be kind. I want her to be empathetic. I want her to be understanding. I want her to be soft and lovely and feminine. I'm not saying I want her to be weak. I'm not saying I want her to be pathetic or cowardly or a wimp or lazy.

• 14:08Speaker 00

  It's not what those words mean, but I do want the woman in my life to be kind and empathetic and supportive and nurturing and lovely and beautiful. I want to, I want to come home and see a beautiful smile. I want to come home and know that she's, she's there taking care of things and excited for me to be home. I want to be wrapped up in a big hug and embraced when I get home. And the only way to create that environment is if you as men are providing the structure. I can't tell you how often I talk with even single, married men and single men, we're like, hey, I'd really like to take my wife out, but I don't know what to do.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  It's like, dude, pick a restaurant, take her into consideration, but don't ask her. Don't say, hey babe, where do you want to go? That's not safe. Why are you turning to your wife for leadership advice? Say, hey babe, I know you love steak. Brand new steakhouse just opened. Hey babe, I know you love seafood. Brand new seafood place opened up in town. I've heard good things. Got us reservations at seven o'clock. I know you like Cynthia is our babysitter. Cynthia is coming over at seven. I know you want to make sure that the kids get their homework done. We spent some time this afternoon, kids' homework is done. That's the kind of safety that she wants.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  But what's interesting is that we live in this, this, this world now where if, if I or you, and this is what I hate about the red pill movement and Megtow and incels and all these other assholes frankly, is they'll tell you that if you're trying to create safety and stability for the woman in your life, that somehow you're a beta and you're a cuck. You're not. You're actually the man. That's your job to create safety and stability. Now, I'm not going to say it's reciprocal or it's contingent upon what a woman is doing, but there is some level of reciprocity.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm not just going to go randomly create safety for a bunch of women who, you know, don't necessarily do it or add, add it, add any value to my life. Unless they're, you know, the 80-year-old woman who lives next door and she just needs me to mow her lawn, I'm happy to do that. But I'm not telling you to sell your soul. I'm telling you to honor the, the commitment that you made, either expressed or implied. And the commitment was, I will protect, I will provide, and I will preside. That's the commitment you made when you enter a long-term relationship with a woman. I will protect you, I will provide for you, and I will preside. Synonymous with leadership.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  I will be the leader of the family spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. And if you can do that, you're going to provide the safety that she desires and she, I promise you will open herself up to you. Now let's pivot and shift gears. What is it that men are looking for? We're looking for respect. Where women want to feel safe, men want to feel respected. And I can't tell you how often I hear from guys who are like, my wife doesn't respect me. I'm trying to start this business. I'm trying to do this thing and, and she doesn't respect me. Well, yeah, brother, why should she? Honestly. And I know some people are going to take this conversation out of context and they're

• 17:34Speaker 00

  going to think that I'm worshiping women. I'm not. I'm actually just telling you to focus on what you can control. And you can't control how she responds to you, but you can influence it. And the way that you influence the way people respond to you, whether it's your romantic interest, or your children, or a business partnership, or platonic friendships, is to show up powerfully. Be a man of your word. When you say you'll do something, do it. When you say you'll do something, follow through. See things through to the end. When there's a right, some sort of rife or like a riff or an issue or a challenge or, or some adversary or confrontation, address it like a man would.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  And if you do that respectfully, honorably, with integrity and with righteousness, how is she not going to respect you? Ladies, I want you to hear, I want you to hear what I'm saying. Yeah, we love to be loved by you, but the best expression, the best manifestation of your love is respect. And you know what respect looks like? Thank you. Right? Like if you say thank you to me, I feel respected. If I take you to dinner and you say, babe, thank you for taking me to dinner. Thank you for creating this opportunity for us. Thank you for getting a babysitter. Thank you for providing for us financially where we can afford to hire a babysitter and go out.

• 19:05Speaker 00

  See, the problem that we run into is that everybody in the world today feels entitled, including women. They feel like they're entitled to a man's attention. They feel like they're entitled to their husband's devotion. And while I would agree, two truths can exist at once. Your husband should be devoted because he made that commitment to you. And you should also ladies, be somebody worth being devoted to. Two things can exist. He should be devoted because he said he would. And you should be somebody worth devoting his life to. Why are those at odds with each other? Can't both exist?

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Can't I work tirelessly to honor my commitments, to honor my vows? And can't you work tirelessly to be the type of woman who's worthy of my sacrifice? Who's worthy of my commitment? Who's worthy of the effort that I put forth? You know, I think it's easy to say when we look at relationships, if we look at it as a piece of pie, it's like, let's split it half down the middle and 50% is your effort and 50% is your effort. I don't buy into that. I don't buy into the 50/50 rule. I buy into the 100%, 100% rule. I will pour 100% into you and you will pour 100% into me.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  If you don't do that, I'm out. If I don't do that, I would expect you to be out. But what we as men are looking for, ladies, if you're curious, is respect. And men, if you're curious why you're not getting it, that's a good question. Are you honoring your commitments? Are you getting out of bed on time? Like many of you guys will say, well, you know, I don't know what the big deal is, you know, like I, I make enough money to put food on our table and roof over our head. And, you know, I don't, I don't beat her.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  I've actually heard that. Like, I don't abuse her and I, I pay the mortgage. Bro, you pay the mortgage, what, your $2,000 mortgage and you don't abuse a woman? Congratulations, you're a tadpole on the totem pole of evolutionary biology. Well, I don't beat her and I pay the mortgage.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  I think, I think we can raise the standard a little bit, guys. What is the standard? Honoring your commitment, being ambitious, being motivated, doing what you'll say you'll do, holding boundaries, communicating boundaries, following through on business ideas and ventures and dreams and goals. If you tell your wife, hey babe, like one day, we're gonna go do this amazing adventure in Costa Rica, or we're gonna go to Africa, we're gonna travel the world, and she's sitting around waiting for you for 10, 15, 20, 25 years, and you're like, why doesn't she respect me? Because that, because you didn't do what you said you would do.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  So ladies, here's my message to you. If your man is doing something for you, just honor it. Just honor it. And you might say, why do I need to honor it? Look, we can, we can argue about that. We can fight about that. You, you can tell me you shouldn't honor the fact that he does the bare minimum. I can argue with it, with you about that. But at the end of the day, you're just creating riff. If he's, you know, if he cleans his shit up at the end of the day, and you're like, ah, finally, he cleaned his stuff up. Just say thank you. Hey babe, noticed you cleaned up your laundry today. I really appreciate that. That means a lot to me. That helps me throughout the day. Yeah, does he need that? No. Should you have to do that? No, not necessarily. But who cares?

• 22:56Speaker 00

  Just respect the fact that he did it. He's never done it before. I promise you, he'll do it again. He wants the attaboy. We do. We shouldn't need it, but we do want it, if I'm being honest. If he goes out of his way to do something special, you know, maybe he's clunky about it, like we are. We're clunky. Like, if I come up and I slap your ass because I'm attracted to you, and you might say, well, I'm on, I'm on my period and I'm frustrated and I'm bothered, and why would you slap my ass? Like, what, what, why is that the problem? I slap your ass because it looked good. I slap your ass because I'm attracted to you physically. And you're gonna sit here and you're gonna complain that I'm actually attracted to you? Come on. Like, this is the nonsense that men and women need to get over. This petty bullshit

• 23:40Speaker 00

  that keeps us from being able to connect. Yeah, maybe you didn't want to get slapped on the ass. You know what? There's greater things than a man being attracted, greater problems, I should say, than a man being attracted to you, a man you love and committed to you than being attracted to you.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  And so just smile. Play it off. You know what? Just go up and slap his ass. Like, do something funny. Do something fun. We just gotta, we gotta lighten up a little bit, and we gotta afford each other some grace. But we have to operate from the means of understanding what women want and what men want. And what women want is safety and stability, period, bar none, hands down, no debate, not subject to interpretation. Women want to be safe. Make her safe. Create enough income for your family.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  Come home is the ideal ver- even if you don't feel like the ideal version of, like, there's so many days. Today's one of them. You might hear it in my voice. I'm not particularly enthused about today. It's been a long day. I've done a lot. I'm frustrated at the end of the day. I've had a few things come up and a few conversations I've need to had in the last hour that I haven't been thrilled about. But you know what? My son's up there and we're gonna have a good conversation. I got him some dinner. I'm gonna go to the football game later and I'm gonna have a good conversation with my friends. It doesn't matter how you feel. Just show up and create safety and stability for her. And ladies, guys, you can correct me if you think I'm wrong. Respect him.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Just say thank you. You know, there's, there's a, there's a meme or kind of a joke that goes around where women get mad because a man might say, hey, you know, you'd look a whole lot prettier if you smiled. You would. I don't know what else to say. Like, we love women who smile. We love women who are happy. We love women who appreciate what we try, even if we fall short at times, try to bring to the table. That's something that's very attractive to men. Not this whining, griping, moaning, bickering, nagging, hen pecking thing that third wave feminism will tell you to do,

• 25:57Speaker 00

  but like, just appreciative. Hey babe, like, I really appreciate you going out of your way to do that thing for me. I really appreciate that gift that you got me. And maybe it's a stupid gift. Maybe it's a silly gift. Maybe it doesn't even make sense. Maybe it's not something you wanted. He tried. Like, give him some credit. He's trying to do the best he can do. And I promise you, the more you do that, the better you're gonna get out of your man. That's the message for the ladies. And I promise to the fellows who are listening, the more that you invest in creating safety, comfort, stability, structure, guidance, predictability, the more that you're gonna let

• 26:37Speaker 00

  her soften. I hear so many guys who are like, ah, you know, so many women today are, are hardened, they're masculine. Right, they are. That's not a lie. They are. But they've had to be. They've had to be. Because men aren't stepping up the way they ought to step up. And when men, you step up for a lady, she'll soften. And when ladies, you find a man who will step up, you better soften. Because if you don't, if you don't soften, he'll leave. Because you don't respect him. Or at least you're not communicating the respect that you have for him. Communicate.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  All it takes is saying thank you. Hey babe, I see you. Thank you. Thank you for working hard today. Thank you for busting your butt and coming home and providing income so that we can have this delicious meal. Pray together. And when you pray, thank God that, literally, physically, verbally, thank God that you have a good man who cares about you, who works hard for you, who wants to provide for you. Men, when you pray, thank God, literally, verbally, that you have a woman who's beautiful and lovely and wants to pour into you and be the, the, the softer, kinder, tender

• 28:00Speaker 00

  version that you need in your life. Otherwise, life gets miserable. If men can't step up the way men do, women don't have everything they need. They're lovely and kind and beautiful, but if they don't have structure, they're lost. And conversely, men are hardened and disciplined and rigid and, and impatient. And if we don't have the female counterpart who comes in and says, relax, it's okay, I respect you, I love you, I appreciate you, and puts her hand on his

• 28:36Speaker 00

  shoulder, rubs his back, kisses his neck, kisses him on the lips, then we are just robots that feel like we're just supposed to be martyrs for the people in our lives. This is why the relationship between man and woman is so powerful. What men naturally gravitate towards and offer is so beautiful and amazing. If only women would be receptive to it. And if women offer their kindness and their tenderness and their empathy and their loveliness and their beauty and their nurturing, we as men, I want that. I don't want to be a hard ass all the time. I want to be able to put down my armor

• 29:21Speaker 00

  and take my shield off and wrap myself, myself up in the, in the arms of the woman that I love. I would like that. And then when I wake up in the morning, I can put my shield and my armor back on. But when I'm with her, I don't want to do that. And that requires respect from her.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  That's my message for you guys. I'm gonna go spend some time with my youngest son upstairs. Then I'm gonna go to the local high school football game, second round of the playoffs. Go Hurricane Tigers. We'll see how they do tonight. And I hope everybody's doing well. And I hope this message resonates. If it does, please leave me a message. Send me a, a message in Facebook or Instagram, or just leave a rating and review, or subscribe, or even share it with somebody else. That goes a long way in growing and building the movement of reclaiming and restoring masculinity. All right, guys. So I will be back next week. Did a really, really cool conversation with Anthony Deal, Meathead Professor, Professor, excuse me. And that one will be

• 30:21Speaker 00

  available on Tuesday of next week. So make sure you subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to this podcast. And we'll be back on Tuesday of next week. Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you are meant to be? We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.