Tessa Coates

Tessa Coates – creator/show-runner of Prime Video’s hit show ‘Ride or Die’, stand-up, writer and former ‘Nobody Panic’ podcaster – is this week’s guest diner. But will they talk about the time she met Paul Rudd? Yes. Tessa Coates’s series ‘Ride or Die’ is available now on Prime Video. Watch it here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ride-or-Die-Season-1/dp/B0DNSVC1FD. Listen to Tessa’s podcast ‘Nobody Panic’ wherever you get your podcasts https://podtail.com/en/podcast/nobody-panic/. Follow Tessa on Instagram @wheatpraylove https://www.instagram.com/wheatpraylove Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Ed Gamble is on tour in 2027 with ‘Fresh Hell’. For dates and tickets go to edgamble.co.uk https://edgamble.co.uk/ Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, fresh hell. And we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows, they're going to be great, they're on sale now. Edgamble.co.uk for ticket details.

• 0:25Speaker 01

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• 1:11Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the oyster shucker of conversation, cramming it into the oyster shell of humour, cracking open that bad boy pod and enjoying all the juicy oyster chat on the inside of it. Oysters.

• 1:30James Acaster?

  That is a gamble, my name is James.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  I should have done all the bits you can add.

• 1:33James Acaster?

  Together we own a dream restaurant, every single week we invite a guest, ask them their favourite ever star, a main course dessert, cider, champagne, drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is?

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Tessa Coates! Tessa Coates, a wonderful comic, James, a wonderful writer, a wonderful performer, so many.

• 1:47James Acaster?

  Director.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Director, oh my god, this is.

• 1:49James Acaster?

  Like, Tessa's done everything. We first.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  She's got so many hyphens, reading CVs like reading bloody Morse code.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  So many hy- dashes.

• 2:01James Acaster?

  Brilliant comic, brilliant comic actor.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:05James Acaster?

  Tessa's show Ride or Die is on Amazon Prime now, Tessa's the showrunner, she created it, Hannah Waddenum is in it, Octavia Spencer is in it, very excited to see this from Tessa.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  Me too, she's fantastic and she's coming to the dream restaurant to give us her dream menu.

• 2:19James Acaster?

  But we will kick her out if she picks the secret ingredient. And this week the secret ingredient is yoghurt coated raisins.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Coats.

• 2:26James Acaster?

  Coated.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like yoghurt coated raisins.

• 2:29James Acaster?

  I like it, my mum used to buy them from Daily Bread, which was a Christian shop. We had them as kids.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Yogurt coated raisins, body of Christ?

• 2:37James Acaster?

  Exactly, well, a certain part of his body, that's what we were told in Sunday school.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Every different food is a different part of Christ.

• 2:46James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:47James Acaster?

  Every different food you can imagine, different part of Christ.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Remember that, remember that, kids.

• 2:51James Acaster?

  In remembrance of him.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Yes. This is the Off Menu menu of Tessa Coates.

• 3:06Speaker 03

  How does my hair look? That's my first question. Okay, fantastic.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  That's on tape.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  I brushed it specially.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 03

  Have we begun?

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  Okay, ready?

• 3:15Speaker 00

  I normally do a bit now, but we're going to start with you saying, how does my hair look? Okay, but I'll do my bit now.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  I'll be silent.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Welcome, Tessa, to the dream restaurant.

• 3:23James Acaster?

  Welcome, Tessa Coates, to the dream restaurant, please, buddy, give us some time.

• 3:28Speaker 03

  It's, thank you, it is so much more exciting than I thought it would be to see you do that to my face. I've heard it so many times, of course.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  How exciting did you think it was going to be?

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Sort of 50% of that.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it was way nicer.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  That's pretty cool.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  And also, if I may share another truth.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Please.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  I thought you did that bit where you talked about me while I sat here silently.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  No, that would be weird, I think.

• 3:49Speaker 03

  Well, I always think, wow, people are really keeping it together by being silent.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Everyone ever has kept it together.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  Has really kept their shit together, I'd better be quiet.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:56Speaker 03

  But it turns out, we're straight in.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  Well, we do that before slash after you leave.

• 4:02James Acaster?

  Behind your back.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Oh, perfect.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  Behind your back, yeah, because of course there's a secret ingredient as well, we don't want you to hear the secret ingredient. Is this one of your questions you wanted to ask?

• 4:10Speaker 03

  I was like, wow, they just hear it, so why, of course they're not going to say.

• 4:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, understood, yeah, a lot of the behind the scenes of the work of the restaurant becoming clear, thank you.

• 4:18James Acaster?

  The live episodes are where that's difficult, because we have to source the secret ingredient from the audience, and we really have to just get the guest to promise they're not going to listen backstage.

• 4:28Speaker 03

  During that section.

• 4:29James Acaster?

  And then sometimes they just come on and go, yeah, I listen.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say a lot, but then a lot of guests, the suggestion that they would be listening backstage, they are absolutely horrified. They're like, no, it's fine, I'm not listening backstage.

• 4:41James Acaster?

  Yeah, I don't care.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  I'm a Candy Crush, you idiot.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:44James Acaster?

  Listen to the first, huh?

• 4:45Speaker 00

  I'm drinking my prosecco you've bought for me that I demanded.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  That I insisted on when I was here.

• 4:52James Acaster?

  Great hair.

• 4:53Speaker 03

  Thank you so much. Okay, you don't, okay, listen, listen, listen, everybody, I just got nervous.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  You've got great hair.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Thank you so much, I, the seating arrangement, I just wanted to check, I look nice for the people.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  You do, you look great.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  You've got very intense fans, and I don't want them to be like, I'm not listening to this bitch, look at her hair, you know?

• 5:11James Acaster?

  Speak about how intense they are, what do you mean?

• 5:14Speaker 03

  I, they.

• 5:17Speaker 00

  Absolute hospital pass.

• 5:18Speaker 03

  Don't do that to me at the right, at the get-go. I guess, okay, so there is one of my, an aspect of my menu, my menu, I wanted to check that no one else had done.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  And so I Googled it, and there is more Reddit threads out there on you guys than I, than I thought possible.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  And, you know, they're, they take it seriously.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  And I just wanted them to know that I'm also taking this seriously.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Well, what we'll say is, you have a podcast with Stevie Martin.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  This is correct.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Who's been on this podcast, so.

• 5:48Speaker 03

  The wheels came off the operation pretty quick.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Yes, they did, so I think there'll be, there'll naturally be comparison between your menu and Stevie's menu.

• 5:55James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  I'm going to say it right now, mine's better.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay, well, you'd have to go some fucking distance.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Some distance, hers was so heavily mayonnaise based.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:03James Acaster?

  Yeah, people pretty angry.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  Sure, sure.

• 6:06James Acaster?

  Some people were very frustrated with her.

• 6:08Speaker 03

  Sure, understood.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  I think it was the mayonnaise in the guacamole that really got to people.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, people didn't like that bit.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:12James Acaster?

  And how beige everything was, or yellow and beige, or, and I think maybe two courses were identical, I can't remember now.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, that's Stevie. Once, years ago in Edinburgh, we did Get Your Own Back, the live.

• 6:28James Acaster?

  Yeah, so I just.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  For listeners.

• 6:30James Acaster?

  For any listeners who are confused.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, for our American listeners.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  Sure, there is a large arts festival every August called the Edinburgh Festival, is that the bit I need to explain?

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  Edinburgh's the capital of Scotland, where for one month in August, it hosts an arts festival, and then, other piece of background reading you need to know, is that in the 90s, there was a TV show called Get Your Own Back, in which kids competed against their parents, and if a loss got gunge.

• 6:52Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:53Speaker 03

  Then they brought the live show of that with Dave Benson Phillips to.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Who was the host, yes.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  To the host.

• 6:57James Acaster?

  The original host.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  The original host, the OG, returns to the assembly rooms to play it live, and which we went and played. And one of the events was, one of you had to put a duvet on a duvet cover, and the other one had to eat a cold can of beans.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 03

  So we didn't even discuss, me and Steve, I just got up to do the duvet cover.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  It was basically Taskmaster before Taskmaster, yeah?

• 7:19Speaker 03

  It was, yeah, he was really, yeah, exactly, it was the, yeah, he was late, he was walking so that Greg could run.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:25James Acaster?

  Greg's not running, man.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, Greg's not running.

• 7:27Speaker 03

  And so that Greg could sit very still.

• 7:31James Acaster?

  So unnecessarily mean.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  So mean about him.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  So come on, you leave an open goal like that, Greg running.

• 7:36James Acaster?

  And he would make that joke about himself.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  And you made it, and then I made it, just in case.

• 7:39James Acaster?

  Just in case.

• 7:41Speaker 03

  Would spring mean things about Greg, if it hasn't got across. Anyway, I did, I was inside the duvet, obviously, for the game. But I, and I could hear, the game had begun, and the speed at which Stevie ate the cold beans, there was this like noise in the room of the audience that were like, no, like, it was like so visceral.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  No, no, they were, and I was like, inside this duvet, Stevie was too fast, that was too fast for people, that's what she likes.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, cold beans.

• 8:12Speaker 03

  That's what she likes. We got gunge, and when we were being led off, and like, put in like, sort of hosed down, our very intense thought was, who hosed the children? Like, who hosed the children on this?

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Yes, of course, yeah, yeah.

• 8:24Speaker 03

  Like, you never ever think about that until you're being hosed.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:28James Acaster?

  Maybe you have a children.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Then point to mother children to hose off.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  And that's okay, yeah.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  And that's fine.

• 8:34Speaker 03

  And that's fine.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:35Speaker 03

  And that's fine, that's our legally binding.

• 8:39James Acaster?

  So is it fair to say you're feeling a bit tense or trepidatious about this menu because of, you're very aware of the reaction to it online?

• 8:48Speaker 03

  No, no, no, my menu's absolutely banging.

• 8:50James Acaster?

  You're very confident about it.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  My menu's banging, I just want to make sure everyone has a good time in my restaurant.

• 8:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  That's nice. How are you going to make sure everyone has a good time? Are you, does that start before the meal, does that start when people arrive at the restaurant?

• 9:05Speaker 03

  Okay, so vibes are, to me, 99% of a meal.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  I really need a restaurant to have thought through the vibes, lighting, sound, ambiance, tables, chairs, all the things you need.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Very important.

• 9:22Speaker 03

  But I, I also, I like, I, there's so many bits, sometimes I go to a restaurant, I'm like, oh, you haven't, you're like, you, I can't, this is surgical lighting, I'm not doing, I'm not in hospital, I'm leaving, I want them to.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Have you left because of lights before?

• 9:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, only if I was on my own.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Right, yeah, yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  I understand that it's not okay in a group, and I just have to endure.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  But if I was solo, I'm like, nah.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Also, if you're alone eating, you need a dark restaurant, I find.

• 9:48Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  You want to hide.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, for the, you want candlelit, you want to pretend you're reading a book, you want to, you know, if I don't have anything with me, I'll ask for a pen and then I'll sort of do things on a napkin and pretend I'm thinking of a novel, you know?

• 10:02James Acaster?

  I don't know if that's true or not, I don't know if that's a joke.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Will you ask for a pen?

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Why would that be a joke?

• 10:08James Acaster?

  Because it's silly.

• 10:09Speaker 03

  No, it's not.

• 10:10James Acaster?

  That you ask for a pen, then you draw the napkin.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  That's not silly.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  I also, the kids menu, that you can do colouring in, yeah, yeah, excuse me, I'm colouring in my novel.

• 10:18James Acaster?

  You've done a lot of episodes of this podcast, and that's just never come up before, that if someone's dining alone, they ask for a pen, and then they, so that they can.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  Write on the napkin.

• 10:26James Acaster?

  Write on the napkin.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  I, this has blown my mind, I would think that was the number one thing to do.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  Have you ever seen anyone else doing it in a restaurant?

• 10:33Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, there you go.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  Okay, so if you're solo, are you just, you're crowning, and what are you doing?

• 10:38James Acaster?

  I guess I'm on my phone.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  On your phone.

• 10:40James Acaster?

  And that's not healthy.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  Do you know, I did completely forget that phones existed in that moment, and as I was.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  But that's great.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  I did, obviously phone is what it's supposed to be doing. But I guess it made you feel like, you know, a woman, a Bloomsbury literary circle woman. With a pen and a napkin, just having the muse has struck.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  I guess you need some lighting in that scenario because you're.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  Candle, candle is plenty.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  The muse has struck, so you need to.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  The muse has struck. I don't want to be dark. I do not want to dine in that pitch black restaurant.

• 11:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  Vibe's poor.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Um, what sort of things are you writing? Cause you're sort of pretending to write important things on the napkin.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  But you're just sort of free writing.

• 11:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's just nothing.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  I want people to think about that.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Hello, I'm in a restaurant alone, that sort of stuff. Yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  Thanks. Hello, I'm, hello. Sometimes I'm like, people think I'm writing something clever, but I'm not.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  Great.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  You know, that sort of stuff. Obviously got to dispose of the napkin, burn it. So no, the waiter isn't like, wow, that woman's unhinged afterwards.

• 11:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, or really spill loads of stuff on it, like tuck it in and then just dump a whole plate of spaghetti over it. So they can never read it.

• 11:43Speaker 03

  So much grosser than just me quietly taking it and putting it in the bin.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Hose you off, hose you off afterwards.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  That's true. That's true.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  Little kid, little kid will hose you off.

• 11:51James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  What's worse, an adult hosing a kid off or a kid hosing an adult off?

• 11:56Speaker 03

  Adult hosing a kid.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:58James Acaster?

  I think in both instances, it depends how much the adults enjoyed it. Um, I would say that, I would say that, I would say that your whole thing with a napkin, and I know you're surprised that not everyone does it, but I think it hinges on everyone not doing it. Cause otherwise you writing down, you pretending to write stuff when you're not. If everyone did that, then it doesn't work. Cause everyone goes, there's someone pretending to write important stuff in a napkin, but she's obviously not doing it.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Right, right, right, right.

• 12:26James Acaster?

  So the only way that works and tricks people is if no one really does it.

• 12:32Speaker 03

  I guess the thing is if I saw someone do it, and I never have, it would never occur to me they were pretending. I would just think the muse has struck.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  And why do you not have a pen with you?

• 12:41Speaker 03

  Great question. That is the crucial question here. Um.

• 12:46Speaker 00

  Cause what happens if the muse, the muse generally, genuinely strikes?

• 12:51Speaker 03

  Regularly. And I'm just adrift. I'm like, I just getting every day, getting through the day is a huge hurdle.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  So the days that have a pen on me, that is a huge win.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:00Speaker 03

  But they are few and far between.

• 13:02James Acaster?

  Yeah, I would say that you're someone who, I, I think you probably have several ideas a day.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 13:09James Acaster?

  I, I, I imagine like constantly.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:11James Acaster?

  But no, none of them are, uh, like full thought about, I should do that. Like, I should take a pen out with me.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 13:21James Acaster?

  Or I should take an umbrella.

• 13:22Speaker 03

  They just hit it?

• 13:23James Acaster?

  It's just constantly, why don't I invent this?

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:26James Acaster?

  Why don't I write this?

• 13:27Speaker 03

  Why don't I write that? Yeah. What if, um, yeah.

• 13:30James Acaster?

  What if what?

• 13:31Speaker 03

  What if bees wore shoes? That's, that's what. That's what happened there, James. I'll be absolutely honest. What if?

• 13:37Speaker 00

  What if bees wore shoes?

• 13:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 03

  Well, one time I was in the toilets of a, at an airport and I hung my bag, luckily it was just a shopping bag of something I just bought, on the hook on the back of the door. And I thought, I'll forget that. And then the entire duration on the toilet, I was like, people should invent something where the hook is weighted. And it says like, Bing Bong, I still have your bag or something like, until, until you take it off. Thought about inventing that all the way onto the plane, plane took off. I thought, bags, bags still on the hook.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  Bing Bong, there was no Bing Bong.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  No Bing Bong.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  You imagined the Bing Bong so clearly. You thought the Bing Bong was real.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Of course. I was like working out, you need to wait it. And then it's just an automated Bing Bong. And then as soon as that's off, it will stop.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Stop holding back that laugh. It's, it's like going on Dragon's Den and just seeing them be like.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  I think the Bing Bong's pretty good. I mean, it would mean the toilets in airports were so loud.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  So loud. What, someone shouting Bing Bong, your bag's on me.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  And it may as well be Bing Bong, someone's having a dump in here.

• 14:33James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're right. In the ladies, that doesn't happen because everybody's in the cubicles regardless.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  It depends how long the Bing Bong goes on. If the Bing Bong goes on for a long time, you know that a dump's happening, right?

• 14:43James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's the dump.

• 14:44Speaker 03

  Bing Bong's too long. Yeah. Bing Bong, Bing Bong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  Just want to say that. I know ladies sit down to wee. Just being clear about that.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  Well, it was a huge.

• 14:53James Acaster?

  He knows.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:54James Acaster?

  He knows.

• 14:55Speaker 03

  He knows.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  I'm a man of the world.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:56James Acaster?

  When he was a little kid, he had to hose them down.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  They called me Little Flash.

• 15:04James Acaster?

  Little Flash.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Cause I'm acting like a, anyway, come on.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Sorry. Your question was, do you remember? And then this happened.

• 15:15James Acaster?

  Oh, I was gonna say, did, did, did you remember when you were on the plane? Because they turned the seatbelt signs off.

• 15:24James Acaster?

  That's what I was gonna say.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, good. Worth it. Worth coming back to.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  It was worth it. It was worth it. I like that. It was worth it.

• 15:31James Acaster?

  Benito is desperate to talk about Ride or Die. He's just talked about it all morning. He's so excited about it. Uh, what can you tell the listeners about this show?

• 15:38Speaker 03

  Uh, Ride or Die is a new show that's on Amazon Prime. It is a show, it's got Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lasso and Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer from The Health.

• 15:47Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  And Bill Nighy.

• 15:49James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  National treasure.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  From, from everything.

• 15:52Speaker 03

  From literally everything from your dreams.

• 15:54Speaker 00

  From heaven.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  Uh, from, from, truly from heaven. The man is, um, oh, he's everything you could hope.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 03

  You, everything you could hope. He's so wonderful. One time, um, his character is, is a very serious gentleman. Obviously his character is just him. And, um, his suit was quite plain. And so I was like, oh, I think we need a pop of colour. Why don't we have a, a pocket square or something? So I went to say, what do you think about having a, a pocket square, Bill? And he went, I mean, we can, but a, a pocket square is social death. I just like, literally slid off my chair. I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. Like the most shame I've ever felt.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  We should say you, uh, you wrote the show.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  Sorry, I wasn't just describing the show.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  It's literally like you were saying, I can't wait for this to come out. It looks really good.

• 16:37James Acaster?

  Tessa's a runner, by the way.

• 16:40Speaker 03

  I just, I'm just popping in. Everyone's like, why are you suggesting things to Bill? You, you need to leave. Um, I, the, the American term for it is showrunner, which is crazy because obviously runner is the person who gets the tea, a job I have done for many years. And then showrunner is actually the very top boss. America should think of more words. That's what I'm saying. They haven't got enough.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Don't burn any bridges on this podcast.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  America, God bless you. Love, love every one of you. Um, I, I, I wrote the show and I'm also, when, when I was writing it, I, cause we filmed it in Prague. And I said, I remember saying, do I get to go to Prague? And they were like, do you get to go? They were like, it's compulsory for you to be there.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  You have to, you are the boss.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  Every day. You have to be there. Um, so we filmed it for, in Prague for nine months. There's eight episodes. Um, it is about, oh, sorry, it's about, um, two best friends, Hannah and Octavia, who know everything about each other, except Hannah turns out to be an international assassin. And then they have to go on the run. It's a bit of fun. At the very least, it's got some action pieces in it that I do think are genuinely very good.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  You see, I think if people didn't know that you'd done this, I think the first part of the conversation where you say you never carry a pen, and you have to borrow one at a restaurant to write down on a napkin. And then you've written a show for Amazon Prime where you are the showrunner. It's like two different people.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Well, truly, at, at one point, um, my, my husband came to a set when we were like midway through episode seven. And it's in this like plaza in, in Prague and like smoke bombs are going off and people are shooting at each other and people are running. There's like a helicopter, things are exploding. And he literally stood in the middle of this as I'm like run in control, in charge. And he literally went, you've never even made a blap.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  You've never done fucking anything. And I'm like, now look at you.

• 18:18Speaker 00

  It's so cool, Tessa.

• 18:19Speaker 03

  Oh, thank you so much.

• 18:20James Acaster?

  But also you've been working like so hard for so long as well. For, for the listeners who aren't familiar with everything you've done. This isn't just like, you've never done anything and suddenly this has happened.

• 18:31Speaker 03

  That's so kind of you.

• 18:31James Acaster?

  You've like, like, I, I always think of you of like how much you've grafted, especially over there in LA and stuff, to try and get stuff off the ground for a long time. And we've spoke about having to go through that system. And you know, the amount that you get nearly there, you get just a bit close and then it, and then it doesn't happen. And you have to start again with something else. And then like a commissioner changes or something like that. And it's scrapped again. So it's, it is really exciting that this is like, this has paid off and happened. So like, I think we're all looking forward to seeing it, seeing it a lot.

• 19:03Speaker 03

  Thanks, man.

• 19:03Speaker 00

  And Don Review.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  And see, I've been grafting since the very beginning. You're in the Don Review, right?

• 19:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, big time. I like, I like the path for all this.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my mentor.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  Without me and, without me and Nish, none of this would have happened.

• 19:18James Acaster?

  Well, everyone knows about you and Nish at Don.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  Stevie said that in an interview once in a, in a broadsheet about me and Nish casting her in the Don Review and starting her comedy career. And she's absolutely gutted she said that. Cause we messaged, we messaged her so much, being like, why aren't you thanking us more? You should be thanking us on everything.

• 19:33Speaker 03

  You did not cast me because I'm, but, but Stevie does. So.

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:39Speaker 03

  And she's not wrong. Down the line it goes.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  I look forward to my money.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  How much do you want? A percentage?

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Percentage of.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Just a set fee every year.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Of the, of the Amazon deal, please.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Coming up. Coming up. No, yeah. It's, uh, because I was so new to so much of the process, I did feel like someone was like, someone said, it's like, um, you're one of those dogs that they've sent into space.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 20:04Speaker 03

  And all they want to do is see like how long the dog can survive. You know, like that dog's never coming back. You know, like Sputnik, the dog.

• 20:10James Acaster?

  Nah, I'd say I think Sputnik's the dog.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Is that Sputnik the shit?

• 20:13James Acaster?

  I think Sputnik's a satellite.

• 20:15Speaker 00

  Like, like her is the dog.

• 20:16James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  So confidently.

• 20:18James Acaster?

  So I don't think you're lasting long in space with that kind of knowledge.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Is that your next show for Amazon Prime?

• 20:22James Acaster?

  Sputnik the dog.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Sputnik the dog.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  Sputnik the dog.

• 20:27Speaker 00

  Tessa, we got some notes, a new idea.

• 20:30James Acaster?

  Imagine if there was one person at NASA, I think it was NASA.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:34James Acaster?

  Who, at the time, got a bit muddled up and thought Sputnik was a dog.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:39James Acaster?

  And everyone's talking about Sputnik, and there's this one person in the office who's like, how's that fucking, how is that dog going around the earth again?

• 20:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:46James Acaster?

  We need to, now we've fed that dog. And it is going, have anyone checked on Sputnik lately? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Sputnik's fine. Are we sure?

• 20:54Speaker 00

  Sputnik's got to do a fuel dump.

• 20:56James Acaster?

  What the fuck?

• 20:58Speaker 00

  How long has that dog been in space?

• 20:59Speaker 03

  He's eating fuel these days, that's how he's surviving.

• 21:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  The thing is, my granny coach did have a horrible dog called Sputnik, so I guess that's where I got it in my head.

• 21:06Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, she was mixed up as well.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  She was confused, like, that's the dog that's in space. Anyway, my point about my dog analogy is that it felt like I was the dog they just sent up there to see, like, no one thought anything of the dog, you know? The dog, how long can the dog live in the atmosphere up there? And then against all the odds, the dog is manning the space station.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 03

  The dog's doing it, the dog's gonna land a plane.

• 21:26James Acaster?

  I think you've got to have some faith in the dog to send them out there with some Oscar winners and national treasures. You can't be wasting their time as much as, you've got to think.

• 21:34Speaker 03

  A dog, Bill Nighy.

• 21:36James Acaster?

  Yeah. You know for a fact that they respect those guys, they respect the three of them.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  You're making fantastic points.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  Do you think Nighy and Octavia Spencer and Hannah Waddingham realised they were working with the dog in space?

• 21:47James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  The dog really kept it together.

• 21:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good.

• 21:50Speaker 03

  So the dog did not reveal that it was a dog wearing a coat.

• 21:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  You know, it was like, I'm a person.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  It's mad to me that you kept it together, because I'm sure this has come up on the pod before, and it definitely came up on, I went on your podcast.

• 22:02James Acaster?

  We all know what's about to be said.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  I mean, it only happened out there when, when we had Paul Rudd in here and you met Paul Rudd.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  It was only a matter of time before Paul Rudd came up.

• 22:11James Acaster?

  A dog involved in this story.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  Well, it's only because you said you kept it together, so I thought, time to undercut Tessa on that.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  I guess I did not go to, you're right, you're right, how did I do on my first meeting? You're right, I did, okay, I guess I had learnt from that experience. Just for everybody else, everybody else, it was only us, just literally just the four of us who experienced it. Well, five, because Paul Rudd was there.

• 22:35James Acaster?

  And a dog, toast the dog.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  And a toast the dog.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. He had it together.

• 22:39Speaker 03

  Seven people.

• 22:39James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  He took it under control.

• 22:41James Acaster?

  It's fine around Paul Rudd.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  Um, I, as I was today, have been late to make this podcast, not this one, I come every day to try and be on it, but to make nobody panic every day for five years. The singular day, I was ever early and I was so excited striding through the door to say how early I was. Um, the great Benito met me at the doorway, when you're still in enclosed, but nonetheless glass area. But then I can't go back from that point.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  I guess I could have pretended to be a delivery person or something. Either way, the great Benito meets me and he says, welcome, you're early, be cool, Paul Rudd is here.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Kiss of death.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  To which, hi, is that fair, factual? Yeah. That's got a shrug of acknowledgement. And I, I do think about leaving, then I panic, I pick up toast, because that felt like a good barrier. I then cross, across the room, you're there chatting with Paul Rudd, who is, may I say, glowing? The man is, a light is coming out of him.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:35Speaker 03

  And I wasn't really ready for that, how radiant he would be. Meeting a deity. And then I say, and then you guys very politely are like, oh, hi, Tessa. And I say, hi, and then you say, this is Paul, and I go, hello, Paul Rudd.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  While looking him dead in the eye.

• 23:51James Acaster?

  I'd say quite a lot louder than that as well.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was louder, louder.

• 23:55James Acaster?

  It was so loud.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  What do you mean? Okay, you do your impression of it. Hello, Paul Rudd!

• 24:01Speaker 00

  And while you were moving as well, it was a drive-by, it was sort of a drive-by hello, Paul Rudd, while you were carrying your dog for no reason.

• 24:07James Acaster?

  Slow down for, at all.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  And then you marched, you just marched off round to the office.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  I did, I couldn't cope.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  And red, bright red.

• 24:14Speaker 03

  Bright red, bright red, that, I, but not in the beautiful way of a deity. Oh god, okay, so I screamed it.

• 24:21James Acaster?

  Yeah. Hmm. You wailed it.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 03

  I wailed. In my mind, it's just like, huh, all right.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  So I guess you had more time to prepare when you met, when you met the people in your show.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  That genuinely, after that, I was like, that can't happen again. We may not pull Rudd.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  I said to myself, looking myself in the mirror, keep this shit together, do not do that. Hello, Bill Nighy!

• 24:42James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. That's day one and then.

• 24:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 03

  Day one, and then they're like, I'm not working with this dog, she's crazy.

• 24:51James Acaster?

  Still sparkling water, Tessa?

• 24:53Speaker 03

  Uh, tap, please. Next question.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Always, always tap.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  Tap water, please, unless I have to pay for it, you're gonna make me pay for a bottle of still.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Illegal, I love saying that in restaurants.

• 25:04Speaker 03

  I think so too, thank you, thank you, in which case I'll have sparkling on principle.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  Because if I have to pay for it either way, it feels like a more bang for my buck with the bubbles.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  I don't think anyone's really charging, I don't think you're allowed to charge for tap water, are you?

• 25:15Speaker 03

  No, but if it's a bottle of still.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  I think that's such a waste.

• 25:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  And like, yeah, it's fancy and it felt fun when you cracked the top, but like, to what end? That's free in the tap, you know?

• 25:24Speaker 00

  Fancier when you crack the top?

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Pardon?

• 25:26James Acaster?

  When you open the bottle, it feels fancy.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  Crack open a glass bottle of ice cold water and crack the top, come on, you don't feel fancy?

• 25:37Speaker 00

  Does it feel fancy because it's so unnecessary, because you could just have tap water, yeah?

• 25:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, because opening this bottle of sparkling is like, I just have to open this to get to it, but something about opening the still, I think it's like, this is outrageous, this is free, I shouldn't have one of these. And then once it's cracked, like, that's done, there's no going back.

• 25:55James Acaster?

  Um, the tap water, where's it coming from? What's the best tap water in the world?

• 25:59Speaker 03

  What a beautiful question. Um, I'm unprepared, as Sally Phillips was with her mineral waters of the world. See, I'm deep on the Reddit.

• 26:07Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  I'm checking, I'm checking everything.

• 26:13Speaker 03

  London's.

• 26:14James Acaster?

  Really?

• 26:15Speaker 03

  A jest, because it's full of it. I guess like a beautiful glacier somewhere.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  There is this documentary on, on Netflix called Mermaids, don't quote me, I think it's called that. It's about people who are professional mermaids, for like, in Vegas, or, you know, you put on a tail and you do a thing in a tank.

• 26:34James Acaster?

  Wow.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  Ed Noddink, James Looking.

• 26:36James Acaster?

  I've done it, never heard of this.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  I have, did it for a TV show, yeah.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  King. Which TV show?

• 26:41Speaker 00

  Almost Royal.

• 26:41James Acaster?

  Almost Royal, he did everything on that.

• 26:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, we just did everything available.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  Almost Royal, those were the days.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  But I did it, because the character was a member of the royal family, I did it with the tail on and then a shirt and tie.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  That's fun.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  It's like fully underwater.

• 26:55Speaker 03

  You're so jammy, you two.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  What a time.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  But that, yeah, with those, it's in, I can't, it's in near Florida, I think.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay, so there's, did you get to go in that special one, the special lake?

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:07Speaker 03

  And what is the water quality like? Because on this documentary, these women who swam there as mermaids in the seventies, they're all like, sort of in their sixties now, and they all speak with this like wide eyes about this water, they're like, there's something in this, it's like a reservoir, or like a natural, it's coming up from the rocks. There's this, there's something in this water and that is the water I'd like to drink, please.

• 27:26James Acaster?

  Okay.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  So can I have that?

• 27:27James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  So you want the water that all those old ladies have been in?

• 27:31Speaker 03

  That's the one, because I want whatever's making their eyes wide.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:35James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  Because they really are speaking like, they're like, I've never felt peace like being in that water. And I was like, I want that.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  Do you think their eyes might be wide because they're crazy ladies who are professional mermaids?

• 27:46Speaker 03

  I won't be, I won't be discussing that. I won't be moved.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  For the listener, it's like, it's something, it's called like.

• 27:52Speaker 03

  Something spring?

• 27:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, but, Benita, can you look up what it's called? Because it's gonna drive us to something spring.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  Wiki watchy.

• 28:01Speaker 03

  We would never have got there.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, wiki watchy, yeah, that, that's the one I swam in. So for the listener, there's like, it's basically like a, a tank, but then there's like theatre seats in front of the big sort of aquarium window, so then you watch like the people dressed as mermaids.

• 28:16Speaker 03

  But it's not just a tank, right, it's, it's built out of the rocks, it's.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's beautiful, it looks really nice, but I wouldn't, I don't remember the water quality being amazing.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  I cannot believe I've brought, well, this is the magic of the dream restaurant, is I come here to say my one true dream is to taste that water.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  And you've done it.

• 28:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:31Speaker 03

  And the answer is, it's absolutely fine.

• 28:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's fine, yeah.

• 28:33Speaker 03

  So that's, you know.

• 28:34James Acaster?

  He had everything on his mind, he was pretending to be a member, like, like a lineage to the royal family. He, he was like, wearing a shirt, he's trying to be funny for the TV show. You know, he's got to do improv, he's got to make everything count, he's not thinking about the water.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  He's not thinking years from now, someone will ask me how clear this water is, he's not present, you're completely right.

• 28:53James Acaster?

  Those mermaids are properly like, they're feeling it, they're engaging with it all.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  You make such good points.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  We can get you, we can get you a couple wiki watchy.

• 29:01Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  No problem.

• 29:03James Acaster?

  Pop lobs or bread, pop lobs or bread, Tessa Coates, pop lobs or bread!

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Okay, thank you, sir. So in my real life.

• 29:11James Acaster?

  I got her.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  You got, I'm not, I mean, of all the guests we've ever had, I'm not surprised you got Tessa with that one.

• 29:17James Acaster?

  Yeah, really easy.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  I am easily shit scared, I am, I, I'm really good audience to do magic to. I'm, I'm gasping. Um, I can't believe anything.

• 29:27James Acaster?

  Can you remember any, have you ever had close up magic done for me?

• 29:30Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I, I've lost my mind, I've lost my goddamn mind. Uh, and in a play, like if somebody comes out of a, like, goes in one door and, wow, I'm gasping.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  Goes in one door and comes out another?

• 29:41Speaker 03

  That's right. Okay, there's this tiny bit in the play that goes wrong, where somebody goes in a box but then comes out a door.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Right.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  The behaviour of a other member of the Don Review, Liz Smith, who was sat beside me at the time, I went, oh, and she went, Jesus Christ.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  So I'm shocked by everything.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  Deeply present person.

• 30:01Speaker 00

  And that went wrong.

• 30:02James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  And that went wrong.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  Imagine if it had gone right.

• 30:06James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  Imagine. No, anyway, so that's my.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  They should do the play that went wrong.

• 30:10James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  It should go right if they're calling it the play that went wrong.

• 30:13James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Do you see what I mean?

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Because you go expecting it all to go wrong.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Right, right, right.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  So it should go all go right. The next time they do it, they should just do a normal play.

• 30:21James Acaster?

  And it goes right and everyone goes, what the fuck?

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:24James Acaster?

  I came to see the play that went wrong.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Says on the door.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  We told you.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  It went wrong.

• 30:27James Acaster?

  We fucked it up, guys.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  Well, no, we didn't fuck it up. We did it exactly right.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:30Speaker 03

  Because it went wrong.

• 30:31Speaker 00

  But they fucked up what they're supposed to be doing.

• 30:32James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Perfect. You could tell them that.

• 30:34James Acaster?

  We tried to do it wrong. We messed it up.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:35James Acaster?

  We got it right tonight.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  Pitch that. Pitch the play that goes right and it plays in the theatre next door.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  And it's just you guys doing an immaculate, very serious, like the Dolls House or something.

• 30:43James Acaster?

  Yeah, just do like a well-known play.

• 30:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:45James Acaster?

  But call it, call it the play that goes right.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  The play that goes right. And everyone's like, oh, I'm Ed and James doing this. Yes, please.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  It's gonna be so funny.

• 30:52Speaker 03

  It's gonna be so, and it's just, wow, this is serious shit.

• 30:54James Acaster?

  Jerusalem.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  So boring.

• 30:59Speaker 00

  Could, we could do Godot, suppose.

• 31:00James Acaster?

  We could do Godot.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  Godot is that it has a path of comedians double, double acts doing.

• 31:05James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 31:05Speaker 03

  You know? And so everyone's like, okay, fine. But something, something real boring.

• 31:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. I saw.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  The Lion King.

• 31:11Speaker 00

  Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen do Godot.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  And blow your mind?

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Well, I kept, I just kept thinking about X-Men.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  Right. Sure, sure, sure.

• 31:18Speaker 00

  That's all I could think of.

• 31:19James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  That's Magneto and Professor X.

• 31:21James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 31:21Speaker 03

  When are they gonna do their tricks?

• 31:22James Acaster?

  Yeah. Yeah, that is.

• 31:25Speaker 03

  When's anything gonna flat?

• 31:26James Acaster?

  Yeah, they should have thought about that.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, there should have been a bit. There should have been one night. There should be like, I always think plays should have like a late night version.

• 31:32James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  Come back and we're just gonna vibe.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  Like a sexy version.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, like Hollyoaks After Dark.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 31:37James Acaster?

  Popadoms or bread, though?

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Okay, so in my real life, uh, popadoms, please.

• 31:41James Acaster?

  In your real life?

• 31:42Speaker 03

  In my real life, I am both, I'm allergic to everything. I'm gluten and dairy intolerant and I will shit myself. But in the Dream Restaurant, I can have anything I like.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 31:52Speaker 03

  Also, I, your friend and mine, Nish Kumar, I, um, did his tour support on his last tour and where he is quite mean about both of you.

• 32:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:02James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 32:02Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 32:03James Acaster?

  Real shame.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Jealous.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  Je, of course, as he should be.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 03

  And, um, but he makes a very clear statement that the only correct option is to choose popadoms and to pronounce them Papa da, Papa dum.

• 32:19James Acaster?

  Okay. Okay, that's.

• 32:27Speaker 03

  I literally.

• 32:28Speaker 00

  You've gotta make your mind up on what you're saying before you say it, Professor.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  I literally, I messaged Nish to voice note me exactly the correct pronunciation, so I would say.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  And he did that, did he?

• 32:40James Acaster?

  He's gonna, the only person laughing harder at this is Nish. When Nish hears this.

• 32:45Speaker 00

  He's gonna lose his fucking mind.

• 32:48Speaker 03

  She goes.

• 32:48James Acaster?

  He's going like a Catherine wheel. Like, he's, he's gonna lose his fucking head.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. We need to film a reaction video of Nish.

• 32:55James Acaster?

  Oh my god.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Listening to that.

• 32:57James Acaster?

  One of the best things that's ever happened in the podcast. This is a showrunner.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  I just so wanted to be correct.

• 33:07Speaker 00

  Just said popadoms so slowly.

• 33:10James Acaster?

  With a question mark at the end.

• 33:15James Acaster?

  Also, the run-up trip was so confident.

• 33:17Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, so confident.

• 33:19James Acaster?

  And the only way to pronounce it is.

• 33:20Speaker 00

  The only way.

• 33:21James Acaster?

  And the only way to pronounce it is.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  It's just because every night of the tour, we got Nando's every night and I would sit backstage. I actually do watch and I would sit in the wings watching him. He'd eat my Nando's.

• 33:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  And every single night he would shout, otherwise you're, you have to choose, otherwise you're a racist and it's pronounced.

• 33:48Speaker 00

  And then you'd look down at your Nando's every time he said that.

• 33:51James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  You're writing on a napkin.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Writing on a napkin, the music's on.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  Papa dum.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Papa dum.

• 33:59James Acaster?

  Patch Adams.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  Patch Adams.

• 34:01James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  And you pronounce it Patch Adams or you're a racist, okay?

• 34:06Speaker 00

  Patch Adams or bread.

• 34:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 03

  The answer is I'd like bread, please.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:09James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that's probably the safest answer.

• 34:11James Acaster?

  Could have avoided all that by just saying bread out the gate.

• 34:14Speaker 03

  But I have to tell you my truth. You can't come to the Dream Restaurant and not share your truth. Otherwise you could just rattle through.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  You know?

• 34:20Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, we've had some of those.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  I know. You gotta say it now.

• 34:23James Acaster?

  Appreciate the truth. Yeah, yeah.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  You gotta say it. Why? So I'd love bread, please. And if in the Dream Restaurant I could not shit myself as a result, that would be so nice.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:32Speaker 03

  May I?

• 34:32Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 34:33James Acaster?

  Absolutely. I'll take that away.

• 34:34Speaker 03

  Thank you so much. Take my whole gut away.

• 34:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  I, my, my sort of my cradle curse, my, um, the thing that the wicked witch gave you at your christening.

• 34:43James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 34:44Speaker 03

  Is that I am a, no, not happy with cradle curse?

• 34:48James Acaster?

  Never heard that before. I was just like.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  I have invented it. Truth be told.

• 34:52James Acaster?

  Okay.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  I like it though. I'm gonna, I'm gonna start, start using it, I think.

• 34:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's the thing that you're like, there's nothing you can do about it.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:58James Acaster?

  Sure.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  Mine is that I have the gut of a, of a girl that needs to have a Tupperware of almonds.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  But the mind and heart of a, of a greedy bitch.

• 35:08Speaker 03

  And I really, I'm both unorganised, no pen, so I can't possibly meal prep.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:13Speaker 03

  And also I love everything. I love to eat, but everything makes me sick. But in this dress, restaurant, nothing will make me sick and I would love, can I have a warm homemade date bread that I had once and in a restaurant and a homemade butter with salt on top?

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 35:29James Acaster?

  Yes, of course.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  Do you remember the restaurant where you had the date bread?

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Yes, it was in, um, Perilla in Stoke Newington.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  On New, like Newington Green, sort of.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Right, on Newington Green.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a great restaurant.

• 35:37Speaker 03

  Lovely restaurant. Love, love, great, lot of candle.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 35:41Speaker 03

  Lovely vibe.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Lot of candle.

• 35:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Lovely vibe.

• 35:44Speaker 03

  Lovely vibes.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  Tasting menu vibe.

• 35:46Speaker 03

  Tasting menu, yeah.

• 35:47Speaker 00

  Way more affordable than other tasting menus. It's like super high quality.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Yes, it's a fantastic tasting menu. I will say, if you say, when in Rome, when arriving and do the drinks pairing.

• 35:58Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 35:58Speaker 03

  It is not as affordable.

• 35:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. If, I think like most places, if you get more stuff, it's more money.

• 36:04Speaker 03

  That's what they say. That is what they say.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 36:13James Acaster?

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 36:18Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast.

• 36:34James Acaster?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:34Speaker 00

  But you know what? We very rarely talk about where we wanna eat this dream meal.

• 36:38James Acaster?

  Sure, yeah. I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the set in the vibe. And Cozy's modular customisable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful Cozy table. Linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James. You're a mucky pup.

• 37:10James Acaster?

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 37:13Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 37:25James Acaster?

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Absolutely. That's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 37:45James Acaster?

  And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 38:03James Acaster?

  Visit Cozy today. That's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 38:12Speaker 01

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• 38:47James Acaster?

  Your dream starter. Now, referring to the notes.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  We love this.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Well, at the top, just in case you saw them and I've written, um, off the cuff, prepared rift.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 38:57James Acaster?

  What?

• 38:58Speaker 03

  Because, but they're not, there is just my menu written down. I've been done a little like, like this.

• 39:02James Acaster?

  Hmm. Yeah, like, what is that? What would you call that?

• 39:05Speaker 00

  A menu moustache.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  A menu moustache. That's so nice. We just thought of that.

• 39:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:08James Acaster?

  Like cradle curse.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Like cradle curse, yeah.

• 39:10Speaker 03

  You're a genius. It's like a little.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  It's a little, yeah, the little scroll.

• 39:13Speaker 03

  You're a genius too.

• 39:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:14James Acaster?

  I didn't do anything.

• 39:15Speaker 03

  You made a, you made a tiny, tiny little, up your head when I called you a genius.

• 39:21James Acaster?

  Oh, as if to say.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  No, he's not.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Wow. No, no, no. As if to be like, nothing for me. Like that felt what it.

• 39:25James Acaster?

  Oh, I see. I, I, I was trying to agree. I was like, yeah, he is a genius and I, I get to reap all the benefits.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  See, you guys, you're jonesing for Godot. Look at this.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  Come on, this would be great.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  That charisma going between you two. Um, um.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  Papa.

• 39:42Speaker 03

  Papa, stop it. Stop it.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  We're gonna be talking about that for months.

• 39:51James Acaster?

  Um, every time a guest, every time I say Papa was a bread to a guest, I'm gonna be thinking about that.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  The thing is, I didn't even cross my mind that that was gonna be one of my problems, areas of my menu.

• 40:02Speaker 00

  No, well, you can tell the, how you went into it.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Confident. And I was like, I'm gonna do Nish proud. I'm gonna tap, you know, he says it every night.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  You did Nish proud. He's gonna love it so much.

• 40:11James Acaster?

  If you pronounced it correctly, I don't think you would have enjoyed that very much, but he would have absolutely loved what did happen.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  You're right. You're right.

• 40:18James Acaster?

  We'll be clipping that up and sending it to him this afternoon.

• 40:21Speaker 03

  Oh, God bless him. Okay, so my men, my starter also takes place in the place in the, so, so may I have different.

• 40:31James Acaster?

  What the fuck?

• 40:35Speaker 03

  My restaurant has got different areas. It's not just all in one.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Location. Um, so the first bit happens in Keen's Steakhouse in New York City.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  And the starter also comes with the amuse bouche. And the amuse bouche is that I would like a degree of jeopardy before we get to the restaurant. So I, I, I think it's become clear to the listeners, um, I don't do well with a booking system. I, I'm a spontaneous person and I wanna, so when I, my nightmare is I get to a restaurant and a mean, thin woman says, um, do you have a reservation? And I go, obviously not. And then they're like, well, I can put you in next Wednesday. But like, I won't be hungry next Wednesday.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  I'm here now. But what happened in Keen's, I was in New York, I, um, had a, something had cancelled and so I had two free hours. That evening I was gonna see the Rockettes. So already I'm, I'm buzzing. I just Googled restaurants near me. I haven't looked for anything. And I just went around the corner. I think that'll do me. And I walked there and by chance it's the best, one of the best restaurants in New York City. It's called Keen's Steakhouse. I know that Jason Manzoukas talked about it because I have researched, done my research. And an lovely, lovely man who'd worked there for 45 years, wearing a red waistcoat, met me at the door and I said, hello, do you have space for one lovely lady?

• 41:59Speaker 03

  And he said, and he said something like, honey, there are no tables, but let me put you at the bar.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  The dream.

• 42:05Speaker 03

  The dream. And I, it has a special designated area that I think should be, it should be compulsory in all restaurants. It's like for walk-ins. There's always space.

• 42:14Speaker 00

  Huge shout out to that guy. Obviously worked in the service industry for a long time, that when you said, do you have space for one lovely lady? He didn't go, we sure do. When's she arriving?

• 42:21James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  You know, that's obviously my first instinct. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  And that's what you both thought?

• 42:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. But he's, he's, he would have thought that as well, but he's just, he's good at his job.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Son of a gun.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  Cause that's spiky banter. That's too spiky of banter.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  That was, that was. You're so right. Cause if he said that to me, I'd be like, it's me.

• 42:39James Acaster?

  Maybe it's just like.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  The lovely lady.

• 42:41Speaker 00

  It's clear. I thought I made that clear.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  It was completely clear that I am the lovely lady.

• 42:46James Acaster?

  Maybe he didn't think that, but as standard comedians, the world, the world is just one big front row to us.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:51James Acaster?

  We, we gotta take him down, otherwise they won't respect us. So it's like, straight away, the customer says like, hello, you go, fuck you.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, fuck you.

• 42:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make, make clear who's the alpha, you know?

• 43:02James Acaster?

  So it's not, yeah, it doesn't show us in good light, but we did both think that's true.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  That's so funny. That's why they pay you the big bucks. It didn't cross my mind. So now I've been on my list of prepared off the cuff rifts.

• 43:11James Acaster?

  I think that's why they pay us the big bucks for that sort of stuff.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  Just been mean. Anyway, but I do, I just love, I love to be placed at the bar.

• 43:19Speaker 00

  So nice.

• 43:20Speaker 03

  And then immediately, beautiful little white napkin coaster thing is straight down, immediately glass of ice cold tap water.

• 43:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:27Speaker 03

  Probably from the Wikiwaki.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  That's supposed to be another man, red waistcoat, just like somebody's like lived there, you know? Stop, stop.

• 43:41James Acaster?

  Fuck it up.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  Oh, God. Anyway, and the other aspect of this, okay, so in Keen's, I don't need this because I've already seen it in Keen's, but what I would like in my dream restaurant, I don't wanna be the architect of this. Um, so I guess it's on you, is I love when a restaurant has like some deep history and a very big like A5 menu, but on the back, history of the place.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  And now I get to either read that silently or read to the table while doing voices and.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  Or get me a pen and I'll change the history.

• 44:07Speaker 03

  And I'll change that up. And I make that more exciting. Um, the Keen's one has these clay pipes in the ceiling. Because in the old days, you went to your favorite bar and instead of taking your pipe around with you, like some kind of, you know, peasant. You said, uh, boy, and there was a pipe boy, boy, get me number 18. And he went and got your pipe from your locker box and brought you your pipe. Isn't that cool?

• 44:30Speaker 00

  That is cool.

• 44:31James Acaster?

  Yeah. See, I've never smoked, but that makes me want to, if I was in there and I knew I could go, boy, yeah, number seven.

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Or even just say, see you come through the door and someone's going, Mr. Acasta's pipe. And a boy's running.

• 44:43Speaker 00

  In some places in Japan, have you been to Japan?

• 44:46Speaker 03

  I have been to Japan. Incredible.

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Did you see any, when you're in any of the bars, there's like cupboards of whiskey, like whiskey all over the place with labels on them.

• 44:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  And they're for regular. So they just buy this expensive bottle of whiskey and it's only their whiskey. Absolutely love it. You go in and you're like, my whiskey, please.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  I did see them and I did think about buying one, but you know, never to be seen again, but just the idea.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, back in five years' time, they're like, we drank that.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:12Speaker 00

  We knew you weren't coming back.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  But how cool would it be if years from now you did return and they were immediately like, Mr. Campbell, we've been expecting you for a long time. It's your key.

• 45:21James Acaster?

  You'd walk in there, konnichiwa.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Did you, did you try?

• 45:44Speaker 03

  Did you go to those introvert cafes where you don't have to speak to anyone and there's like a.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  No, I was with my wife, so that would have been absolutely crazy.

• 45:51Speaker 03

  I was with my husband. He insisted we go. He, he described it as his dream restaurant. I was literally like climbing over the thing, being like, no one's chatting to me.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  And then he tried to order for me. I was like, I think I've got a handle on the Japanese. Thank you. I'll order. And what arrived was one egg in a bowl. And out of like sheer furiousness, I just entered and said, that's what I meant. Thank you.

• 46:19Speaker 03

  I haven't even said my starter yet. Okay, this is my other thing. Oh, sorry. So my request, please, architects of my dream restaurant, is could you do some history for me? You don't have to do it right now.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  Yes, of the restaurant.

• 46:31Speaker 03

  But on the rep back, I want, and I want there to be things to look at in the ceiling. I want there to be things on the wall. I want to be, well, for the solo lady, I, then I'm not pretending on the napkin. I've got so much to look at.

• 46:41James Acaster?

  Well, you kind of have done that already because you've, you've read all the Reddit threads before coming here.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:47James Acaster?

  So you have read about the dream restaurant. You've read most of the history. You have done that for yourself.

• 46:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, but now I want you, and again, you don't actually have to do it, but I just wanna know that there's gonna be extra facts.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  About your dream restaurant, extra facts, something hanging from the ceiling.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  It doesn't have to be about me. It just can be about the building, where I used to be, used to be a prison. It doesn't have to be that. Don't, don't hold me, hold you back for the prison stuff. Just like, I wanna know. But again, don't tell me because I wanna.

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Have you been to that, um, dive bar in, I think it's like Angel, sort of Islington way, where they have bras hanging from the ceiling?

• 47:22Speaker 03

  No, but that sounds fantastic. What are they doing there?

• 47:25Speaker 00

  Well, they're just being bras, just hanging up there.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Well, you've been and you didn't ask the history of the bras.

• 47:30Speaker 00

  I think you're supposed to think, oh, this place gets so crazy that ladies take their bras off and leave them here and then they hang them on the ceiling. But it's not a great look for me.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  Again, that feels false to me.

• 47:40James Acaster?

  I love it.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  Because is it true, is it real? Because if somebody, if Dave Benson Phillips hung those bras, the famous set designer, I don't like that, you know? I wanna feel that that really happened.

• 47:51Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, you, are you imagining throwing them in the air and them just sticking to the ceiling?

• 47:55Speaker 03

  Basically, yeah. Like a pancake.

• 47:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:59James Acaster?

  I'm trying to start something where people can start like hanging bras on lamp posts and stuff. I'm trying to get that going.

• 48:04Speaker 00

  I know.

• 48:05Speaker 03

  Define, define that. What do you mean?

• 48:08James Acaster?

  Cause, uh, uh, you know, people are putting the Union Jacks on lamp posts at the minute.

• 48:13Speaker 03

  Are they?

• 48:14James Acaster?

  Yeah, to show that they love reform or like Tommy Robbins said, a political thing.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  That's a shame.

• 48:19James Acaster?

  The main like grief that Zach Polanski's getting from the Greens is that people say that when he was a hypnotist, he used to make women's boobs bigger. So I say.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  That's their main criticism.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  I was with you until I didn't, I didn't know this.

• 48:31Speaker 03

  That's an incredible.

• 48:32James Acaster?

  He, he didn't do that. He, he'd misquoted and then, and it's been used against him as in like, and if you just do like one simple. He was a hypnotherapist.

• 48:41Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:41James Acaster?

  And he was asked in an interview, could you do this? Or could, are there hypnotherapists who could, who could make women's boobs bigger? And this is ages ago before his proper media training. He's like, well, yes, but I wouldn't, da, da, da. And then they just quoted as saying, yes. And then that obviously got used against him. Like, like, like, out of the line, they used it as like, you know, people trying to, from other political parties, like, yeah, he used to hypnotize women, make their boobs bigger. That's stuck, obviously, because that would stick in your head.

• 49:10James Acaster?

  I personally think to show my support for the Greens, I'm gonna start hanging big old bras on lamp posts.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:16James Acaster?

  Just like the Union Jacks. I'd do that to show like, I'm with Polanski and like, you know, tie a double G up there.

• 49:23Speaker 00

  I don't know if that's the sort of support he would necessarily appreciate.

• 49:28Speaker 03

  What, you think you need bigger than a G?

• 49:29James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  Sorry, that's a fantastically structured joke from me.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  It was good.

• 49:34Speaker 03

  Thank you. You need more support? You put a G.

• 49:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:37James Acaster?

  That's great.

• 49:38Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 49:38James Acaster?

  That is.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Well, it was lovely.

• 49:39James Acaster?

  Actually.

• 49:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:40James Acaster?

  I liked it anyway when you said it. And then when you actually.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Explained it.

• 49:44James Acaster?

  Explained it. It's like, that is even better than I thought it was.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Thanks, everyone.

• 49:47James Acaster?

  It's the best joke the podcast has ever seen.

• 49:50Speaker 00

  Look, there is a reason you're a showrunner.

• 49:53James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  It's muttering shit like that quietly in the corner.

• 49:56James Acaster?

  Also, bigger than a G just sounded like a rap song.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  You're so right. You're so right. Okay, is this a world premiere of this idea?

• 50:04James Acaster?

  Well, I said it on stage once because there was a person in the audience who, that's why they didn't like the Greens.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  Oh, it's the boob stuff.

• 50:11James Acaster?

  And I was like, pretty sure that's not. And then we worked out, annoyed to the head, that's not true. And then I said that and everyone was like, yeah, that's a great idea.

• 50:18Speaker 03

  I think it's great. Okay, well, now this is the second outing of this idea. So I'm very in favour.

• 50:23James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  I'll do one right on the way home.

• 50:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. Tie a bra to a lamp post and everyone will know.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  For the Greens.

• 50:28Speaker 03

  People don't need to be hanging at the top.

• 50:30James Acaster?

  Yeah, just like I do with the flags if you're not singing that.

• 50:32Speaker 03

  Okay, I'll Google the flags.

• 50:34James Acaster?

  Normally it's not at the top, actually. They do them about halfway up because I think that's as high as they can get on their ladders.

• 50:41Speaker 03

  Okay, okay. Well, what we'll have as a counter protest movement is better ladders.

• 50:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  So already we're getting more height.

• 50:46James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Let me, let me check what they're doing and then see what we're doing.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 50:51Speaker 03

  I made it a we, I'm immediately invested.

• 50:52Speaker 00

  I can't believe I'm saying this after we've been recording for an hour, but what is your start?

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Okay, it's the Keen Steakhouse Cobb Salad, please.

• 51:02Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 51:02Speaker 03

  Sounds boring as hell. It was the most delicious thing I've ever had. It is paired with a, now I'm gonna say a dry martini while not confidently knowing why it's dry because to me, it's wet.

• 51:16James Acaster?

  That's a good point.

• 51:17Speaker 03

  Or how's it dry? But with a twist, which I do know means a lemon, not a filthy olive.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:22Speaker 03

  So that was what came with it. And what is particularly fantastic about, I mean, it was sensationally delicious in a way, I'm sorry to say, I don't know why. Every mouthful, I was like, Jesus Christ, what have you done to this objectively very boring salad?

• 51:37Speaker 00

  What's in a Cobb? Take us through.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Don't put me on this, kind of pressure it. Uh, egg.

• 51:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Lettuce, egg, sweet corn, blue cheese, which normally I'm not a fan of, but like suddenly, lordy lord.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 03

  Um, bacon bits.

• 51:53James Acaster?

  This doesn't sound like a boring salad.

• 51:54Speaker 03

  Avocado.

• 51:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:56Speaker 03

  Um, small chopped tomato, tiny, they've done something incredible with the tomatoes. Like, it's, it's, it's, I guess every aspect of what you threw into the salad had been done to its, like, had been turned to a lemon.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 52:10Speaker 03

  So, and then together, my god.

• 52:12James Acaster?

  Also, is it all mixed together?

• 52:13Speaker 03

  It's all mixed together.

• 52:14James Acaster?

  So I ordered a Cobb salad once and it was in these, all those ingredients you mentioned, but in like lines.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  I've had lines before, yeah.

• 52:20Speaker 03

  That was horrifying to me because, do you remember that advert with Tom Hiddleston where it was for like, I don't know, some kind of gummy, like vitamin gummy, but like, it's in, it's in Japanese. And the lady comes home and he's like, oh no, he comes home and he's like, she comes down the stairs.

• 52:38Speaker 03

  Phil Wang made like an amazing parody of it.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Parody video of it is.

• 52:41Speaker 03

  If nothing else, go and look up the Phil Wang parody. It is so good. But it's such a mad advert because he's like, oh, I just got in and I'm leaving in a minute. You're like, what's it?

• 52:53Speaker 03

  And then he's like, I made you breakfast. And then he's like, you like pepper on the side, right? Then he presents the most disgusting plate you've ever seen. There's this like berries touching raw egg. Like, it's just like, and it's in those horrible lines.

• 53:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:07Speaker 03

  That is what I imagined a Cobb salad was. This one, it's mixed. It was in a beautiful bowl, mixed in, like, it was, my god, my god. Because my expectations were so low. And also the thing I loved about it is, what I love in a restaurant is to say, what do you recommend to the people? And normally you get someone who doesn't care if you live or die, saying, are you hungry?

• 53:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  And me being like, no, I'm just happy to be here. But this guy went, honey, I'm gonna get you a Cobb salad and a dry martini. And I was like, huh.

• 53:35James Acaster?

  That's great.

• 53:35Speaker 03

  Yes, please.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  That's service.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  That's service. Just to be like, I'm confident that this is our best meal. And he was completely right.

• 53:49James Acaster?

  We're doing main course.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  Okay, so we leave the steakhouse now. I'm ushered through a back door.

• 53:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 53:55Speaker 03

  If I may, can I go through like a Narnia?

• 53:58Speaker 00

  Wardrobe, like a wardrobe? Yeah, yeah.

• 54:00Speaker 03

  I just thought of that, but I would like that.

• 54:01Speaker 00

  Through all the fur coats?

• 54:02Speaker 03

  Through the fur coats.

• 54:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  And I'm out now and I'm outside. Oh my lord, I'm by the coast. I'm in Colwyn Bay. And I would like to have with our knees, with our legs dangling over the pier on the beach in Colwyn Bay, it doesn't have to be a particularly nice day, I would like to have fish and chips.

• 54:19Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  With my family. And I would like also for us to have done a small quest that day. Because I think fish and chips are like most enjoyed when you've done an activity or a thing.

• 54:31Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 54:32James Acaster?

  Yeah. Oh, I like this, Tessa.

• 54:34Speaker 00

  Big walk, big walk at least. Yeah, yeah.

• 54:37Speaker 03

  There's something magic about like, people are setting up for a wedding and there's like a weird old group and it's two days before and then you're like, oh, well, no one wants to cook. Shall we get fish and chips? But you've just like put the marquee up or something. So everyone feels like a bit.

• 54:49Speaker 00

  Your example was way more specific than I thought it was gonna be. Because I thought big walk, fish and chips, everyone knows what that feels like.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  Setting up for a wedding, putting a marquee up and it's two days before.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  Sorry, that is quite.

• 54:59Speaker 00

  So that must have happened to you.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:04Speaker 00

  You're like, something like this exact thing that I'm thinking of.

• 55:06Speaker 03

  It's exactly that same thing before my wedding. Yeah, that's, yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 00

  Before your wedding?

• 55:10Speaker 03

  It was before my wedding, but it's happened at other people's weddings. To me, weddings, pre-wedding setup does mean now there's fish and chips.

• 55:17James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  Because there's something about also, and also I'm very, it's my family, but also like, I would love there to be an interesting but perfectly curated collection of friends.

• 55:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  That don't all know each other. You're like, this is a good group. This is the group that have like showed up to help before.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Just before James says it, because I know he'll, he'll wanna know.

• 55:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:32Speaker 00

  Can you take us through each of those friends and how you know them, please?

• 55:35James Acaster?

  Thank you, Ed.

• 55:36Speaker 03

  Absolutely not. We haven't, we haven't the time.

• 55:38Speaker 00

  We haven't the time.

• 55:40Speaker 03

  Because I'm just describing people you don't know.

• 55:42James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  Oh, he loves that. That's what he likes about it.

• 55:44Speaker 03

  Natalie Dibsdale.

• 55:45James Acaster?

  Funny.

• 55:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, there you go, straight away, full names are funny.

• 55:47James Acaster?

  Dibdale. That's funny.

• 55:49Speaker 00

  Dibdale.

• 55:51James Acaster?

  Dibdale.

• 55:52Speaker 03

  Midwife, one of the cleverest people I know. My friend Phoebe, an accountant, huge fan of you guys.

• 55:58James Acaster?

  Hi.

• 55:59Speaker 03

  Hello, Phoebe.

• 56:00James Acaster?

  Hello, Phoebe.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Hi, Phoebe.

• 56:03Speaker 03

  And then just a collection of school and you guys can be there.

• 56:06Speaker 00

  Oh, thanks.

• 56:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, hanging out, only if you've been helpful with the marquee.

• 56:10Speaker 00

  I get stuck in, I reckon.

• 56:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, great. Yeah.

• 56:13James Acaster?

  I mean.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  Is it setting up for your wedding?

• 56:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:15Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll be.

• 56:16James Acaster?

  So back in time.

• 56:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:17James Acaster?

  We're now at your wedding, helping out.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:19James Acaster?

  Did you go to the wedding?

• 56:20Speaker 00

  No.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  No. So aggressive then to make you help set up.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Well, if we're going back in time and I will help set up.

• 56:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, obviously come.

• 56:27Speaker 00

  I know, thank you.

• 56:28Speaker 03

  So listen, if I.

• 56:29James Acaster?

  It'd be weird if I'm there. I mean, we know each other like fairly well, but I think if I was at your wedding, some people would be like, what the fuck are they guys doing it?

• 56:36Speaker 03

  No, no one would say that.

• 56:37James Acaster?

  I think your husband would.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  How about, how about then?

• 56:40James Acaster?

  I think he'd be like, look, Tessa.

• 56:41Speaker 03

  My, the caterers at my wedding did repeatedly ask where both of you were.

• 56:47Speaker 03

  Because they saw Nish and Lolly, Kyle, they were like, we're, we're the big hitters.

• 56:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. This is true?

• 56:55Speaker 03

  Completely true. Because they were very keen on you guys. And so I do apologise, you didn't come to my wedding. Listen, if I'd got the, if my buzzer, my restaurant reservation buzzer had gone off for this pre-wedding, you'd shoo it.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  So if we'd invited you on the.

• 57:11Speaker 03

  Earlier.

• 57:11Speaker 00

  So we weren't invited out of bitterness?

• 57:14Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  Yes, okay, cool.

• 57:15Speaker 03

  And just, now we're clear.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:17James Acaster?

  Could you bother the buzzer?

• 57:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:19James Acaster?

  How do you feel about them? The other day, I got given a buzzer.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 57:23James Acaster?

  And the whole time, because I'm quite anxious, I am just.

• 57:28Speaker 03

  Dripping in sweat.

• 57:29James Acaster?

  I'm just, I need to make, because I can't just put it in my, some people just put it in their pocket and they're just milling around, having conversations like, what if the buzzer's going off and you can't feel it?

• 57:38Speaker 03

  To me, that is an ice hockey puck of pure hell.

• 57:40James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  I'm like, when's it gonna vibrate? When I have, I sit at the table in front of me and people are like, let's chat, let's get a drink. We've gotta look at the buzzer.

• 57:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  I hate, I hate the buzzer.

• 57:48Speaker 03

  I hate the buzzer.

• 57:49Speaker 00

  Because then if the buzzer doesn't go, it should be so convenient. It should be, you just wait for the buzzer to go off, your food's ready. But I'm so like anxious that the food's taking too long. I will then, and I've done this a couple of times, will go and stand by.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, of course.

• 58:01Speaker 00

  The place where they're making the food, just like holding my buzzer like.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I'm right there behind you.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:07James Acaster?

  But he absolutely loves that.

• 58:08Speaker 00

  Everyone else hanging out, having a nice time. Because obviously, of course, because I'm the most anxious about when the food's gonna arrive, everyone else has fucking got their food like 20 minutes ago.

• 58:16James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 58:16Speaker 00

  And the people who are chill, they're like, oh, my food's ready. They don't even care.

• 58:19Speaker 03

  And then like, oh, buzzer in my pocket.

• 58:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. And I'm there with my buzzer. It's absolutely dead silence. And now I'm thinking the buzzer's broken.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Buzzer's broken. So I go back, am I out of range?

• 58:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've gotta stand right next to these people, holding my buzzer up, just waiting for it to go off.

• 58:33Speaker 03

  And then when it does, you go.

• 58:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:37Speaker 00

  I get so scared of the buzzer.

• 58:39Speaker 03

  Hate the buzzer. Let's outlaw them.

• 58:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:41Speaker 03

  Done.

• 58:42James Acaster?

  Yeah, it's no good. It's too stressful.

• 58:45Speaker 03

  Oh, so may I say my pairing, my pairing drink at this juncture?

• 58:47James Acaster?

  With the fish and chips. Yeah. And just to be clear, you're having what, paddock cod?

• 58:51Speaker 03

  I'm having cod, please. It's perfectly done. I just.

• 58:53James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 58:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:54Speaker 03

  Because sometimes there's a risk, you think, I mean, it's always good, but bad fish and chips, but you're like, you know, this, but this is, oh, immaculate.

• 59:01James Acaster?

  How much salt and vinegar?

• 59:02Speaker 03

  Dripping. Absolutely. More than I say, when they ask salt and vinegar, I say yes, and to the point that you think that's too much.

• 59:09James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 59:09Speaker 03

  That's why I say to them. And they always are like, surely I should stop. And I'm like, no.

• 59:13James Acaster?

  No.

• 59:13Speaker 00

  He gets a shout out on every episode, but shout out to Tom Barnes from Scoff, who sent me and James some bits that they use to make stuff in their restaurant in Manchester, including a packet of salt and vinegar salt. So it is like salt with vinegar powder in it. And it just, it's like pow, it tastes like powdered fish and chips. You just put it on chips, put it on anything. You're like, holy hell, this is the best condiment ever.

• 59:37Speaker 03

  Where are you getting, where, so you just describe where you got it.

• 59:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  But, but can I purchase this?

• 59:42Speaker 00

  Hmm, I don't know, actually. It feels like the sort of thing they might have available for purchase one day.

• 59:46James Acaster?

  It felt like a, a little trial of, let's give it to these guys.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  It's got the rubber stamp from me.

• 59:52James Acaster?

  See if they could master using it.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  It's amazing. Yeah, you'd love that. So you can almost have the vinegar flavour without sogging up the chips.

• 1:00:01Speaker 03

  Cause it's also hard to come by that exact type of vinegar they use because it's not your classic. It's something different.

• 1:00:07James Acaster?

  That sounds great.

• 1:00:07Speaker 03

  Okay, so I'm having chips, perfect. I'm having cod, please. I don't, I understand how to guess the, the purists' choice, but for me, it hasn't the taste of cod. On the side, battered sausage.

• 1:00:19James Acaster?

  Lovely. That's what I do. Do it every time. Every time, think, I eat the sausage first, cause I'm so excited about it.

• 1:00:25Speaker 03

  So excited.

• 1:00:26James Acaster?

  Then as I'm eating my fish and chips, go, I shouldn't have had that sausage.

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 1:00:29James Acaster?

  I love it.

• 1:00:29Speaker 03

  That's the magic.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  I used to get just battered sausage and chips. That used to be my order, yeah.

• 1:00:33James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:34Speaker 00

  But now, now I'd probably go fish and chips with a battered sausage on the side.

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:00:38Speaker 00

  Or now and again, let's have a loo.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  It's the batter for me.

• 1:00:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  It's the batter for me.

• 1:00:50Speaker 03

  And as my pairing drink, may I have, please, Coca-Cola from the original soda fountain when it had cocaine in it?

• 1:00:58James Acaster?

  Yeah. Someone's working in L A.

• 1:01:03Speaker 00

  Late nights, right?

• 1:01:05James Acaster?

  Cocaine was gonna feature on the menu at some point.

• 1:01:08Speaker 03

  I, listen, I, I give, you know, easy come, easy go. I don't care about cocaine, but I am desperate to taste what that tasted like.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:16Speaker 03

  From the moment, this has been on my menu since I was eight years old, since I discovered, like, that that's what it had in it.

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  Drugs in Coca-Cola.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  There was drugs in Coca-Cola. My dream, to think to go to like an incredibly, I just think like, the billionaires are having parties where in some room, they're just showing you around, they're like, that's a sex room, that's a fountain with original Coca-Cola. You know, it's like, this is, this is the Richie Rich of the adult world, you know? You don't know, you don't wanna try it.

• 1:01:41Speaker 00

  I don't wanna be at that party.

• 1:01:43Speaker 03

  No, I don't want that party.

• 1:01:44Speaker 00

  That's a sex room.

• 1:01:45Speaker 03

  No one wants to be at that party, but you wanna know that someone's doing it.

• 1:01:49Speaker 00

  It should bump me out. That's a sex room, all right. Where can I put my coat? Where's the coat room? You can just throw it in the sex room on top of all these people.

• 1:01:58James Acaster?

  No, they're doing it on top of the coats.

• 1:02:00Speaker 03

  You're trying to leave, being like, oh, come on.

• 1:02:02Speaker 00

  Come on, come on.

• 1:02:02Speaker 03

  Be like, fine, I'll leave it.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  I know this is the sex room, but it's also the cloakroom.

• 1:02:06James Acaster?

  You've got to pull your coat out from underneath a doctor's ass.

• 1:02:12James Acaster?

  So I, I love that you got the fountain with the cocaine in it. I do, I do think that's great. And I've never done cocaine or any drugs.

• 1:02:20Speaker 03

  No, allegedly.

• 1:02:21James Acaster?

  Allegedly, but I would drink that.

• 1:02:23Speaker 03

  We'd all would, right? Just to see what it tastes like. Maybe it isn't even as delicious. And if I can't have that.

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  As a diabetic though, I'd have to have diet coke with cocaine.

• 1:02:32Speaker 03

  Have you have ever had a real coke?

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:34James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  But it would have to be diet, it would have to be diet coke.

• 1:02:38James Acaster?

  If it's with cocaine.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  I mean, I could.

• 1:02:39Speaker 03

  You're in the dream restaurant. So would you like, you can have anything you'd like here?

• 1:02:43Speaker 00

  I think I'm still diabetic in the dream restaurant.

• 1:02:45Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46James Acaster?

  Ed Light's been diabetic.

• 1:02:47Speaker 00

  Well, no, that's not true, but also it's just my life, isn't it? So.

• 1:02:49Speaker 03

  Understood, but like, you, you don't wanna try Coca-Cola as the gods intended?

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  Well, I could, but I could anyway, but I just don't like doing it because I don't like having to inject insulin to have a drink.

• 1:02:59Speaker 03

  I'm saying, within this dream scenario, you don't have to inject afterwards if you don't want to.

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  Also don't like normal coke.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  Fine, have your diet coke with a drop of cocaine in it.

• 1:03:07Speaker 00

  I prefer Pepsi Max with cherry and cocaine.

• 1:03:09Speaker 03

  That's disgusting. That's, is that your genuine choice?

• 1:03:13Speaker 00

  Pepsi Max with cherry and cocaine, yeah.

• 1:03:15James Acaster?

  You've had cherry Pepsi Max?

• 1:03:17Speaker 03

  Is it nice?

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  It's the best.

• 1:03:19James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:19Speaker 00

  Listened to the Pepsi Max ad the other day.

• 1:03:22Speaker 03

  Gladiator one?

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  No, it was, we'll come back to that. They're clearly not selling many, cause they're all leftover from Christmas, but the Tesco near me, I pop into the Tesco Express, gingerbread flavoured Pepsi Max.

• 1:03:34Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  I bought a couple a week. Absolutely loved them.

• 1:03:38James Acaster?

  Are they good?

• 1:03:38Speaker 03

  Are they?

• 1:03:39Speaker 00

  Oh, fantastic.

• 1:03:40Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:03:40Speaker 00

  Just to that spite, like cinnamon-y and, yeah.

• 1:03:43James Acaster?

  Okay.

• 1:03:44Speaker 00

  And I'm disgusted with myself every time I buy it.

• 1:03:46James Acaster?

  Sure.

• 1:03:47Speaker 00

  And drink it, and it's delicious.

• 1:03:49Speaker 03

  Do you have one from near here?

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:55Speaker 03

  Do Pepsi ever send you stuff?

• 1:03:57Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:03:57James Acaster?

  No, they're too big, they're.

• 1:03:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, they don't need you, boys. Gingerbread do, by the sound of it.

• 1:04:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, big gingerbread, big gingerbread.

• 1:04:05James Acaster?

  I think you've bought enough gingerbread Pepsi Max that you can make a gingerbread Pepsi Max house out of them, out of all the cans.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  Definitely.

• 1:04:12James Acaster?

  Live in there?

• 1:04:12Speaker 00

  Bottles, actually.

• 1:04:13James Acaster?

  Bottles.

• 1:04:14Speaker 03

  Bottles.

• 1:04:15James Acaster?

  This guy.

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:16James Acaster?

  Okay. Sorry. But he has got thirty minutes left on his camera, and because this is all about filming it these days, cause he's a little YouTuber.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26James Acaster?

  Do you know that, but he is a YouTuber now?

• 1:04:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:29James Acaster?

  So all he says, he walks around saying like and subscribe.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  We walk into the room, he goes, hi guys, like a YouTuber.

• 1:04:34James Acaster?

  Hey guys, good to see you all, Bonito here.

• 1:04:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:38James Acaster?

  It's, it's your boy, Bonito.

• 1:04:41Speaker 03

  When he shows you things, does he hold it up with his hand behind it so that it, you've seen them do that? They hold stuff up and then they weirdly put their hands into it.

• 1:04:48James Acaster?

  Yeah, doing that and stuff, yeah.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's your boy, Bonito.

• 1:04:53James Acaster?

  It's your boy, Bonito, coming at you.

• 1:04:55Speaker 03

  I would genuinely watch anything he did. That's the truth.

• 1:05:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:01Speaker 03

  I, I had an alt on the cocaine Coca-Cola in case that wasn't allowed. I would like a Mexican Coke in a bottle, glass bottle, ice cold.

• 1:05:09Speaker 00

  And thank you.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  It's made with cane, sugar, not regular sugar. It is fucking delicious. I completely tried to import it into this country, can't be done. Okay.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

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• 1:05:58James Acaster?

  You drink side dish.

• 1:06:00Speaker 03

  Oh, hmm, mashed potato.

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  It obviously is insane, given my main course, but truth be told, I've forgotten about my side dish. The truth is, I cannot leave mashed potato on a menu. If it's there, I've only recently pivoted to the side, because sometimes I would just order whatever had mashed potato with it.

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:06:22Speaker 03

  And I was like, this is, girl, this is holding you back. Just have it as a side. And now I just, if it's there, I have to get it. I love mash so much.

• 1:06:29James Acaster?

  I get, I completely understand that, that, that there are some items, if they're on the menu, you've got to get them. And mashed potato is that, I, I, I don't order it every time, but I find it very hard to resist it because it's, it is exciting. It's, it's, it's always good, pretty much always good.

• 1:06:45Speaker 03

  Always good.

• 1:06:46Speaker 00

  Do you have a favourite restaurant that you've had mashed potato in?

• 1:06:49Speaker 03

  I'm sorry to say, I do not.

• 1:06:51Speaker 00

  Do you have a, what's the consistency of your dream mash? Because obviously there's many levels of mashing.

• 1:06:57Speaker 03

  Um, it, it, uh, quite, quite.

• 1:07:00Speaker 00

  Almost like pu, pom puree?

• 1:07:02Speaker 03

  With more of a whip. If I, uh, gun to my head, brass rizadel.

• 1:07:06Speaker 00

  Hmm, yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:08Speaker 03

  That's doing a pretty banging one. And it's got, cause it's got a sort of butter twist.

• 1:07:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's just fuck loads of butter.

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  The answer is it's butter, it's a bowl of butter with a potato on the side.

• 1:07:16Speaker 00

  I think the thing that keeps popping up on my algo at the moment, I think it's the Joel Robichon or Robichon. I don't, I never know how to pronounce that. Mashed potato.

• 1:07:26Speaker 03

  I thought you were saying Joe Rogan.

• 1:07:27Speaker 00

  Joe, the Joe Rogan mashed potato, which has got a fuckload of ivermectin in it. Um, no, it's basically fifty fifty butter and potato.

• 1:07:37James Acaster?

  Wow.

• 1:07:37Speaker 00

  It's just a bowl of butter, potato flavoured.

• 1:07:40Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:07:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, which is the joy. That's, that's, that's it, isn't it? And you'd never do that at home.

• 1:07:46Speaker 03

  No, you'd never.

• 1:07:47Speaker 00

  If you did at home, you'd feel like an insane person.

• 1:07:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, something that really stuck in my head is we did an episode of how to cook on Nobody Panic Once, and we did a sort of on Instagram, like, tell us your best tips if you've recently learnt to cook or whatever. And they were all so helpful from people, but one person wrote, the amount of cream and butter a restaurant uses in everything will blow your mind.

• 1:08:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:07Speaker 03

  And I think about that most days.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  And salt as well. Salt's the other thing.

• 1:08:10Speaker 03

  And that's how things are delicious. And you would dream of putting an entire, like, Philadelphia cream cheese into something at home. It'd be like, am I, am I mentally ill? But that's what you're getting in a restaurant. That's why it's nice.

• 1:08:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:21James Acaster?

  Well, it's good. Yeah, they're not, yeah, sometimes they go, this is a, in this restaurant, we only use like, very limited ingredients. I've been to those kind of places. It's like, every dish has two to three ingredients that's sitting. Oh, this would be great. You go and go, hmm.

• 1:08:34Speaker 03

  No, thank you.

• 1:08:34Speaker 00

  Doesn't taste of anything.

• 1:08:35James Acaster?

  Tastes like if I just bought some carrots at the shop and chopped them up and ate them. Think, think they should have been, there's a butter and salt on this.

• 1:08:42Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  Delicious though. Mashed potato, dipping your chips in the mashed potato.

• 1:08:46Speaker 03

  Thank you, it was private.

• 1:08:49Speaker 03

  By private, I meant separate.

• 1:08:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:52James Acaster?

  Wow.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  I thought I was getting told off.

• 1:08:54James Acaster?

  Those two mixed up.

• 1:08:57James Acaster?

  Was that, was that confusing at your wedding? We go, the bridal party and the groom's party will be sitting privately.

• 1:09:05James Acaster?

  Okay.

• 1:09:06Speaker 03

  It's private. Sorry, it's separate, but it just mean, yeah, you, you know.

• 1:09:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. It's private, it's private, and I won't ask again.

• 1:09:13James Acaster?

  Private, yeah.

• 1:09:14Speaker 03

  It's just there. It's obviously, and I know it shouldn't be mixed, that's crazy, but I, that is the main, that's the side that's coming.

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  That's the drink?

• 1:09:25James Acaster?

  Dream drink, Tessa, because otherwise he's gonna start crying over there.

• 1:09:29Speaker 03

  My dream drink is, um, is a pina colada that I had age 11 on, it's virgin, come on, on a, my grandparents sold their business.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  So many jokes, oh.

• 1:09:44James Acaster?

  Jesus.

• 1:09:47James Acaster?

  The man at the steakhouse would let that slide, so we're, we're, we're absolutely.

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  We're letting it slide, we're letting it blow. Just see steam coming off my brain, trying to keep it in my mouth.

• 1:09:57Speaker 03

  This, the thing is, sometimes people would be like, are you, do you think, do you feel stand up is your, is your true calling to me? And then sometimes we're like, ah, then I see you guys like vibrating, me off with the word virgin. I'm like, no, I don't, it's not, it's not, it's clear that that's not.

• 1:10:10Speaker 00

  Not a great sentence, Taptarona.

• 1:10:12James Acaster?

  Even that.

• 1:10:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:16James Acaster?

  Who's gonna hose you down?

• 1:10:19James Acaster?

  You love a pina colada?

• 1:10:20Speaker 03

  I absolutely love a pina colada. I also discovered a thing called a lava flow, which is a strawberry daiquiri and a pina colada in one glass.

• 1:10:29Speaker 00

  Oh my goodness.

• 1:10:30James Acaster?

  Fucking hell.

• 1:10:30Speaker 03

  Yes, please.

• 1:10:31James Acaster?

  Even for me.

• 1:10:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:32James Acaster?

  Sweet tooth boy, that is too sweet.

• 1:10:37Speaker 03

  I love it. When I was 11, my grandparents sold their business and they took our whole family on a cruise. It, we'd never really even been on a summer holiday before. It blew my goddamn mind. We got a pina colada in a glass like this, like, you know.

• 1:10:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:53James Acaster?

  I mean, for the, for the listener, what's?

• 1:10:55Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry, right, sure. Um, pina colada glass.

• 1:10:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think it's pina colada glass, yeah.

• 1:10:59Speaker 03

  Like, it's like fancy, long, swirly, looks like that optical illusion of like two ladies or is it a vase, you know?

• 1:11:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:11:06Speaker 03

  Something like that.

• 1:11:08Speaker 00

  That's helpful, that's helpful.

• 1:11:09Speaker 03

  Is that helpful?

• 1:11:09James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's genuinely helpful, but it's funny that that's such a thing, yeah.

• 1:11:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  Is it two ladies or is it a vase?

• 1:11:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I'd never seen an actual umbrella, cocktail umbrella. I just thought it was a sort of pretend thing from the movies, I guess. There was actually one of those in my glass. It blew my mind. And in order to get one of these, all I had to do was hand in my room key.

• 1:11:30James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 1:11:31Speaker 03

  Wow. So, and also at the end, my dad, there was like a huge bill at the end that my dad went understandably berserk.

• 1:11:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:38James Acaster?

  Like Home Alone?

• 1:11:39Speaker 03

  Truly like.

• 1:11:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:42James Acaster?

  That's my job, look at this.

• 1:11:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. And then I got, you're a jeepers, I like run across the group, but it's just a cruise, so I can't go anywhere.

• 1:11:48Speaker 00

  The pigeon lady in the bow.

• 1:11:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. She's not well, is she, that pigeon lady?

• 1:11:53James Acaster?

  No.

• 1:11:54Speaker 03

  God.

• 1:11:54James Acaster?

  No.

• 1:11:56Speaker 03

  Fleeing the scene.

• 1:11:57Speaker 00

  Also, he never asked her to just come up to the room and hang out with his family. He's like, oh, you have a nice Christmas.

• 1:12:02Speaker 03

  Have a nice Christmas out here in the coast.

• 1:12:03James Acaster?

  Absolutely awful of him. Just like, see you later, here's a turtle duff. What can I do with this?

• 1:12:07Speaker 03

  What can I do with this?

• 1:12:08James Acaster?

  Look at my life. Do you think, I need a tur- a, a, a stone, a fucking Christmas tree decoration right now?

• 1:12:14Speaker 03

  I need shelter, I need warmth.

• 1:12:17James Acaster?

  You're, you're living in a frigging massive hotel.

• 1:12:20Speaker 00

  Kevin, look at my life.

• 1:12:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:21James Acaster?

  Kevin, look at my life. Do you not think I've been like ridiculously kind to you during this whole thing? Can you not do one thing for me?

• 1:12:29Speaker 03

  Your family are up there opening all the presents from New York's toy shop.

• 1:12:33James Acaster?

  Duncan's toy shop sent you all the presents.

• 1:12:34Speaker 03

  All of them.

• 1:12:35James Acaster?

  I obviously helped, Toy Test. I obviously helped can, like, catch those guys.

• 1:12:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:40James Acaster?

  I was the person who stopped you from getting shot in the face.

• 1:12:43Speaker 03

  I said your actual life.

• 1:12:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:45Speaker 03

  And you've given me this.

• 1:12:46James Acaster?

  You give me a duff and then you go back into the hotel and enjoy all the toys with your horrible family who choose to be nice one day of the year.

• 1:12:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:53James Acaster?

  And it takes you nearly getting killed for them all to be nice. And I'm the one who saved you. I'm Brenda Frecker.

• 1:12:58Speaker 00

  That's her name.

• 1:12:59James Acaster?

  Brenda Frecker is the actor.

• 1:13:00Speaker 03

  What a powerful ending.

• 1:13:01James Acaster?

  She, she, she won an Oscar for My Left Foot. She's great. I saw, I saw on Tommy Tandon's chats, chat shows, great interview. If you've got time to watch this on YouTube, and she says a story about when she was doing a film with Mike Myers in Ireland. And Mike Myers was trying to do a serious film for once. And then, um, she said, let's, you know, after that, let's go back to mine and have like a drink or whatever. A few of them go back and they're in her, and he's not sitting down. He won't sit down, Mike Myers. Everyone's sat down at the table and he's just stood up and she says, Mike, why, why, why don't you sit down? And he went, well, I thought I'd sit down when we go into the main house.

• 1:13:40James Acaster?

  And he thought, he thought they were in, he thought her house was like.

• 1:13:45Speaker 00

  Reception area.

• 1:13:46James Acaster?

  A little porch way to the big house.

• 1:13:49Speaker 03

  God.

• 1:13:49James Acaster?

  And she had to say, Michael, this is where I live. This is my home.

• 1:13:52Speaker 03

  I'll sit down.

• 1:13:53Speaker 00

  Michael, look at my life.

• 1:13:54Speaker 03

  Look at my life.

• 1:13:56James Acaster?

  Covered in pigeons. All I've got is this turtle duff. Got a turtle duff that some little kid gave me.

• 1:14:04Speaker 03

  Michael, look at my life.

• 1:14:04James Acaster?

  Michael, look at my.

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  Look at my life. Look at my life, Michael Myers.

• 1:14:08Speaker 03

  I'll sit down when we go into the main house. That's awful. I hope that haunts him.

• 1:14:13Speaker 00

  I bet it does. I bet it doesn't.

• 1:14:15Speaker 03

  I bet it doesn't because.

• 1:14:16Speaker 00

  I've given you both options there, Ben.

• 1:14:21James Acaster?

  Allegedly.

• 1:14:22Speaker 03

  I'm giving you options.

• 1:14:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. I say everything twice.

• 1:14:26Speaker 03

  Everything twice, sure, sure, sure.

• 1:14:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, just in case, yeah.

• 1:14:28Speaker 03

  Makes a decision after we check with Mike Myers.

• 1:14:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:30Speaker 03

  So that you always look correct.

• 1:14:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to have Mike Myers on this, actually.

• 1:14:34James Acaster?

  I'll bring up that story.

• 1:14:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:35James Acaster?

  Did we go to Brenda Frecker's house and you thought it wasn't the main house?

• 1:14:38Speaker 00

  Pina colada.

• 1:14:39Speaker 03

  Pina colada.

• 1:14:40Speaker 00

  You once had a pina colada. Um, do you remember when I was on tour in Lincoln and we had a rare tour crossover with you and Nesh? And we met up in the bar of the hotel, which is just like a DoubleTree or something. It was like a sort of decent chain hotel.

• 1:14:55Speaker 03

  It was.

• 1:14:56Speaker 00

  And you had a pina colada.

• 1:14:57Speaker 03

  Well, that's the story.

• 1:14:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it was just an odd place to get a pina colada. And it was like 11 o'clock at night, everyone else had a beer and a wine, and you had a full pina colada.

• 1:15:07James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's mad.

• 1:15:07Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 1:15:08Speaker 00

  In a semi-budget hotel chain, overlooking, overlooking Lincoln.

• 1:15:11James Acaster?

  I think this sounds pretty bad to me.

• 1:15:13Speaker 03

  Because I was honestly like, and then you shout yourself or something. Like, I thought it was gonna be, but that was like the part.

• 1:15:17Speaker 00

  I think you would have remembered that.

• 1:15:18James Acaster?

  No, it's just, it's just not a very like, you know, everyone's having a drink in a hotel bar, like one drink and go to bed. A pina colada is like if you went, do you know what? I fancy a bag of candy floss.

• 1:15:33Speaker 03

  You've identified my main problem.

• 1:15:35Speaker 00

  Even at the time, I was like, what the fuck? You're having a pina colada. You're like, yeah, pina colada.

• 1:15:39Speaker 03

  Well, this is about it. When in Rome, mashed potato with my chip, like it's.

• 1:15:42Speaker 00

  I think you still had your, I think you still had your coat on as well. That's stuck in my mind, that your coat is still on.

• 1:15:50Speaker 00

  But anyway, all I was doing, and I understand that that was a bit of a, is that the story?

• 1:15:55Speaker 03

  But no, you, you're completely right.

• 1:15:57Speaker 00

  But also I'm backing you that you do like a pina colada.

• 1:15:59Speaker 03

  Another pina colada.

• 1:16:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:00Speaker 03

  You, you thank you for backing me, but also I think that completely encapsulates my whole problem, which is that you're like, I'm like, what? And that's the story, is it? Because you're like, yeah, that's insane. You should have had a small white wine and go to bed like a normal grown up. But I had a full pina colada with my coat on.

• 1:16:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:14Speaker 03

  And I was very happy. But I can't, that's the thing. If I see it, I'm sorry, I have to get it.

• 1:16:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:20Speaker 03

  And if I see mashed potato, I have to get it. I'm literally, I went in Rome. I've never been.

• 1:16:26James Acaster?

  I've probably said it on the podcast before when pina coladas have come up, but that's what I had to drink on Drunk History, because I knew it'd be funny.

• 1:16:32Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:16:32James Acaster?

  I was like, it'd be funny, because they, they show how much you're drunk on the screen. It'd be funny that it comes up that I've had this many pina coladas. So I did that. Had like two jugs of Wetherspoons pina colada. I've never had pina colada since.

• 1:16:44Speaker 03

  Understandably. That's too much. Under pressure is, that's a lot.

• 1:16:47James Acaster?

  It was insane. It was just for the jokes. It would be on stage saying, it'd be on the screen saying it.

• 1:16:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're so committed. You're so committed. But that is bad.

• 1:16:56James Acaster?

  Hmm. It was, it was too much. So when I hear it, I just go, I could never.

• 1:17:00Speaker 03

  I, I'm so sorry.

• 1:17:01James Acaster?

  Especially with the daiquiri.

• 1:17:02Speaker 03

  Can I bring you, then I brought you an option, because I knew that.

• 1:17:05James Acaster?

  Oh, thank you.

• 1:17:06Speaker 03

  Plum wine. He's not happy at all.

• 1:17:09James Acaster?

  I'm happier.

• 1:17:10Speaker 03

  Listeners, that got a horrible, horrible shrug.

• 1:17:13James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. But I'm delighted.

• 1:17:14Speaker 00

  Can I tell you what's happening in our heads now is we're like, we'd love to talk about plum wine.

• 1:17:18Speaker 03

  There's no time.

• 1:17:19Speaker 00

  But we, we have been recording for an hour and 40 minutes.

• 1:17:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:23James Acaster?

  And Benito is like.

• 1:17:24Speaker 03

  These are upside down.

• 1:17:27Speaker 00

  Show that's the camera.

• 1:17:28James Acaster?

  The notes are upside down.

• 1:17:29Speaker 03

  I've been constantly referring to these.

• 1:17:34James Acaster?

  Well, your dream dessert.

• 1:17:35Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:17:36James Acaster?

  And then Benito could relax.

• 1:17:37Speaker 03

  I'll go so fast here. My dream dessert is a, um, journey with me. No, it's nothing. It's a, um, platter. It's just, it's greedy.

• 1:17:46Speaker 00

  Yes. It's multiple desserts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:49Speaker 03

  But they are, one, battered Marswell from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.

• 1:17:53James Acaster?

  Great, great.

• 1:17:54Speaker 03

  Uh, two, um, a banana split, um, but like also a sundae, like a sundae, but from your imagination. Like I've never ever had an actual sundae like I imagine an ice cream sundae is.

• 1:18:06Speaker 00

  Like a cartoon sundae.

• 1:18:07Speaker 03

  Like a cartoon, like a full Tom and Jerry.

• 1:18:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:09Speaker 03

  Ice cream sundae.

• 1:18:10Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 1:18:11Speaker 03

  Banana, blueberries, cream, bits, ice cream.

• 1:18:14James Acaster?

  I found a place, and I don't know its name, but in Venice, when I was going to, I went to visit some friends who lived there. Stayed for four days, I think, got an ice cream sundae like that. And then I just had it again the next day. Actually, I went to the same place and got a different sundae. But I was like, me and my girlfriend walking around, I was like, I'm sorry, I can't stay away from it. I was like, it was so good. And it was boozy as well.

• 1:18:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:36James Acaster?

  It was this massive, humongous, boozy ice cream sundae, because it was a holiday, I ate the whole thing. And I was like, I just wanna go back.

• 1:18:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:43Speaker 03

  I've never had one. I, I've ordered it, obviously, I'm not crazy, but it just is like, comes in like a sort of coupe glass with like one bowl of ice cream. I'm like.

• 1:18:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:50Speaker 03

  I want Tom and Jerry.

• 1:18:51Speaker 00

  That's not a sundae.

• 1:18:52Speaker 03

  One.

• 1:18:52James Acaster?

  You want Tom and Jerry.

• 1:18:53Speaker 03

  I want.

• 1:18:54Speaker 00

  That's not a sundae, that's a Wednesday.

• 1:18:55James Acaster?

  You should say to the waiter.

• 1:18:56Speaker 03

  That's so good. I like that. I like that one. What is this, a Wednesday? That's really good. An ice cream Wednesday? That's really good.

• 1:19:04Speaker 00

  Do you like that one, James?

• 1:19:05James Acaster?

  I really like it. But it's like, it's imagining, just saying that, imagine the response it would get.

• 1:19:12Speaker 03

  Don't you, yeah, I know, I'd be disappointed.

• 1:19:15James Acaster?

  Yeah. I would, I would maybe, I, I'd say second draft of that is, is Monday, because everyone hates Mondays.

• 1:19:22Speaker 00

  Wednesday's hump day. That's why I want Wednesday.

• 1:19:24Speaker 03

  What, Monday? Because Monday would be like horrid. It would have to be horrid.

• 1:19:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:28Speaker 03

  It'd be, but the way.

• 1:19:29Speaker 00

  A bit, a bit drab and a bit like not enough ice cream. But that's a Wednesday, right?

• 1:19:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. Because the thing is, what, it's like, they obviously have tried objectively, legally.

• 1:19:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:36Speaker 03

  That's a Sunday, you know, but it's not. That's the thing about Wednesday. Is this why it's a good joke?

• 1:19:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:41James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, it's a good joke.

• 1:19:41Speaker 00

  Monday works too.

• 1:19:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, Monday works. It all works. You're both geniuses. I, I don't know why I'm holding it like I'm 50 years old.

• 1:19:47James Acaster?

  Well, because you kind of spiritually are.

• 1:19:54Speaker 03

  Imagine if I just had more in here. And the last thing on my three-way platter is, and this is for the fans, so they have somewhere in London if you would like to try it.

• 1:20:03Speaker 00

  We're leaving three-way platter, right? We're leaving three-way platter, right?

• 1:20:05James Acaster?

  Yep.

• 1:20:05Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:20:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:20:07Speaker 03

  I'm just throwing you open goals and you've got to let them scroll past you.

• 1:20:10Speaker 00

  This is actually torture, Tessa. Carry on.

• 1:20:14Speaker 03

  Is this blueberry cheesecake, baked blueberry cheesecake with banana ice cream I had from a place called, here it comes, Echo Sessa.

• 1:20:25Speaker 03

  It is spelled E-C-O-S-E-S-A in Stoke.

• 1:20:28James Acaster?

  That sounds like someone failing to say your name.

• 1:20:30Speaker 03

  It does. And you'd think I would have committed it more because it has a lot of shapes for my full name. And it is a tapas restaurant, very pleasant, great vibes, but this dessert, mamma mia. I have been back since just to have pudding in there. It was incredible and I love a cheesecake. Blueberries, bananas, cheesecake, bit of ice cream. You cannot go wrong with me.

• 1:20:49James Acaster?

  Love it.

• 1:20:50Speaker 00

  That sounds good.

• 1:20:51Speaker 03

  And that is my menu and with that I will pay the bill, tip heavily and leave the dream restaurant.

• 1:20:56Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 1:20:57James Acaster?

  That does sound really nice. I think the whole thing sounds good. I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. Let's have a little read of your menu. You would like, you would like spring water.

• 1:21:07Speaker 03

  Is that really in there?

• 1:21:07James Acaster?

  From the wiki-wacky.

• 1:21:09Speaker 03

  Is that in there?

• 1:21:10James Acaster?

  You would like warm homemade date bread and butter with salt from Perilla. You would like Keen's Steakhouse Cobb Salad with a Dry Martini with a Twist. You want fish and chips and battered sausage in Colwyn Bay with your family and a creative group of friends after a small quest and Coca-Cola from the original Soda Fountain when it had cocaine in it. Side dish, you want mashed potato. Drink a pina colada, maybe from the cruise, who knows. Dessert, battered Mars bar from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, banana split sundae and baked blueberry cheesecake with banana ice cream from Echo Sessa. What do you think about that?

• 1:21:47Speaker 03

  Sorry, but is that in there?

• 1:21:48Speaker 00

  Earlier on, when you said you're amazed by magic, I mean, look, it's so funny watching your mind being blown by that.

• 1:21:55Speaker 03

  Okay, because guys, like, that has, I've never watched, I've only ever listened. And I just thought you handed something, but there's been, in front of us, there's a gold embossed menu that says dream restaurant on it, which has been there the whole time untouched and James has just picked it up and read from it.

• 1:22:11Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:22:12Speaker 03

  And it had my menu in it.

• 1:22:13Speaker 00

  Yes, your menu.

• 1:22:14Speaker 03

  My mind is blown. I've had the time of my life in this dream restaurant. Do I get to know my secret illegal ingredient?

• 1:22:19Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:22:20Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:22:21Speaker 00

  But you didn't say it.

• 1:22:22James Acaster?

  You didn't say it.

• 1:22:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:22:23Speaker 00

  Because otherwise you would have been kicked out.

• 1:22:25Speaker 03

  You would have been kicked out. Oh, I know, I got through.

• 1:22:27Speaker 00

  But we're going to kick you out now.

• 1:22:28Speaker 03

  Okay, bye.

• 1:22:28Speaker 00

  Bye. Thanks, Tessa.

• 1:22:29James Acaster?

  Get the hell out of here, Tessa.

• 1:22:31Speaker 03

  Thanks so much for having me.

• 1:22:39Speaker 00

  Well, there we are. What a wonderful episode with Tessa Coates. She's fantastic.

• 1:22:43James Acaster?

  Didn't put yogurt-coated raisins?

• 1:22:44Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:22:45James Acaster?

  So, well done, Tessa.

• 1:22:46Speaker 00

  Yes, and you should watch Ride or Die, Tessa's new show that she has created. She was a showrunner. I mean, so many, so many things.

• 1:22:54James Acaster?

  It's on Amazon Prime. Octavia Spencer's in it, Hannah Waddingham. Very excited, very proud of Tessa as well.

• 1:23:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:23:02James Acaster?

  Very proud. We've known Tessa for a long time and absolutely deserves every bit of success she gets.

• 1:23:08Speaker 00

  She's very funny, but you've heard, you've heard the episode, you know she's great.

• 1:23:11James Acaster?

  You know that she's fantastic.

• 1:23:13Speaker 00

  I'm on tour, I'm very proud of me. I deserve every bit of success I have. My show's called Fresh Hell.

• 1:23:20James Acaster?

  Yeah. Fresh Hell, Ed Gamble.

• 1:23:21Speaker 00

  Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

• 1:23:24James Acaster?

  He deserves every bit of success he has.

• 1:23:26Speaker 00

  It stars Hannah Waddingham.

• 1:23:27James Acaster?

  Wow, that's cool.

• 1:23:30Speaker 00

  Tessa also has a podcast, which is part of the Plosive family.

• 1:23:34James Acaster?

  Nobody Panic.

• 1:23:35Speaker 00

  With Stevie Martin. You can listen to all the episodes of that wherever you get your podcasts.

• 1:23:38James Acaster?

  Stevie Martin's on this podcast, of course.

• 1:23:40Speaker 00

  Yes, we've had the Nobody Panic, we've completed the Nobody Panic.

• 1:23:43James Acaster?

  We did it.

• 1:23:44Speaker 00

  Crew, we did it finally.

• 1:23:45James Acaster?

  Every podcast wants to do that and we're the only one that's done it.

• 1:23:49Speaker 00

  Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye.

• 1:23:50James Acaster?

  Bye.