Nina Conti

Award-winning comedian and ventriloquist Nina Conti is in the Dream Restaurant this week. And Ed and James do their usual monkeying around. Nina Conti is on tour now with ‘Whose Face Is It Anyway?’. For dates are tickets go to ninaontour.com https://www.ninaontour.com/ Nina’s directorial debut film ‘Sunlight’ will have a UK theatrical release from 18th October 2025 (screening details here https://theninaconti.komi.io/), or you can pre-order it on Apple TV here https://tv.apple.com/gb/movie/sunlight/umc.cmc.4ojx0r3x4tbpiz2huixkm32ie (UK) and here https://tv.apple.com/ie/movie/sunlight/umc.cmc.4ojx0r3x4tbpiz2huixkm32ie (Ireland) - available digitally from 28th November 2025. Follow Nina on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theninaconti and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@theninaconti @theninaconti Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Fri 19 Sep. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I'm Jake Stauk, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, accessed applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company. This is a new way to run IT.

• 0:42Speaker 00

  We guarantee you'll automate 50% of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com/tickets. That's S E R V A L dot com slash tickets.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the creme of conversation, adding the sugar of friendship and blowtorching with the flame of the internet. Creme brulee podcast, creme brulee.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest and asking them a favorite ever start of main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  I just said creme, but for creme brulee, but it's more complicated than that. But, you know, I didn't want to take up too much time with that bit.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  And this week our guest is Nina Conti.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  Nina Conti, a wonderful comedian, ventriloquist, many more things besides.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  One of the absolute greats. She occupies such a unique place on the comedy landscape.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  The Nina Conti place.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  And is, and it's just incredible. Like she's so funny, so original, so inventive. We're very lucky to have her on the podcast.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  Yes, absolutely we are. And she is on tour. It's been extended into the autumn with Nina Conti, whose face is it anyway? And this I think involves a lot of, I mean, the brilliance of Nina Conti of putting these masks on audience members.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Using them as her puppets.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Improvising by what they do with their bodies and their movements. It's absolutely incredible. It's always good.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  Always good. One of the only people I've ever seen absolutely take the roof off of the tent at Latitudes, the comedy tent, which is notoriously hard to play. And you'll see horror stories. Well, there's been like reports in newspapers of comedians walking off stage during that gig. Cause it is a bit difficult and.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  And that's one of the nicest festival gigs.

• 2:54Speaker 02

  It's one of the nicest festival gigs. Audiences often are really enjoying the comedy in that tent. But, you know, they're at a festival, they're lying down, they're not being that vocal about it, laughing that loud. They're just chilling out and watching the comedy. It takes a really engaging comic that they can't, they just get completely drawn into, to really make them laugh out loud, especially to the point where everyone in that tent is losing it.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  And let me tell you, that comic ain't me.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  That comic ain't me, but it is Nina Conti.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  The kids run around like stray dogs.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, literally. The times I've done it, I'm just talking for my allotted time and then I'm walking off. And I don't, do you know what? I don't even bother slagging the gig off on stage. That's how much I'm not invested in it. I waited till I'm on a podcast years later.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  But Nina's brilliant. This is the point.

• 3:42Speaker 02

  Yes, Nina is absolutely fantastic. However, if Nina does pick the secret ingredient, ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will be forced to kick it out of the dream restaurant. So this week, the secret ingredient is monkey nuts.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Monkey nuts, because of course, probably the puppet that is most famous from Nina's repertoire is a monkey called Monkey.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  A monkey called Monkey, who I first saw in a Christopher Guest film, I think. I can't remember which Christopher Guest film it is actually. I think maybe For Your Consideration, but there's a scene where Nina plays a weather person, she's in the weather report and just has the monkey with her. And you just go, oh, I guess that's the thing. But I didn't know who she was. I didn't know that it was like, you know.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  But you saw Nina as well in that, right?

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, Nina's there, but she's like.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  You said, I first saw Monkey in the Christopher Guest film and I thought, that's pretty harsh.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  If she's.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  It's also where I first saw Nina.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  She's done an audition tape, but Monkey's been reading off camera and they've gone, who's doing the reading lines? Get the monkey in.

• 4:46Speaker 02

  Get the monkey in for that part. Yeah, they're both in it.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  But I was like, it's weird that that person's got a monkey on their hand.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  I think I'll look into that person, see who it is and discovered the comedy of Nina Conti.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  Nina has also directed a film, her directorial debut and written the film, co-written with Shanoah Allen. It's called Sunlight and it's done the festival. So keep an eye out for Sunlight.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's bound to be on a platform soon and we're going to talk to Nina about it if I know more.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Executive produced by Christopher Guest.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  Really?

• 5:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:17Speaker 02

  Well, I think I know where they met.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  This is the off-menu menu of Nina Conti.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Welcome Nina to the dream restaurant.

• 5:32Speaker 03

  Thank you for having me.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Welcome Nina Conti to the dream restaurant. We're expecting you for some time.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. Exciting. Did you spill something? It sounded explosive.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Well, I did tell her I spilt something, didn't I? Yeah, yeah. What would be the worst thing I could have spilt just then? And what would be the best thing?

• 5:50Speaker 03

  Minestrone, but worst?

• 5:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Best. Popcorn.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  That's good. Fun to look at and pretty fun to pick up and put back in a box, would you say? And eat. And eat. Yeah. That's why when I go to the cinema, I tip my popcorn all over the floor because I know the staff will really enjoy picking that up.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  And eating it.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  And eating it. Yes.

• 6:08Speaker 03

  It's really hard not to spill your popcorn in the cinema.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  It is.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  There's something large about that. There's no to put it under your feet. I feel very tense about where my feet and my popcorn are.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  Well, there's no else to put it.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  They should provide like overhead storage, like on trains for you to put your popcorn in.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  What about the people sat behind you?

• 6:27Speaker 02

  Bad luck. What popcorn all over the floor? You can't have both.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  So hang on.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  It's one or the other.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Are you imagining above your head, wherever you're sitting?

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like a net.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Yes, now you're talking.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  Like a net shelf.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  In fact, the whole cinema is hammock.

• 6:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  We're lying in hammocks and we have separate hammocks for popcorn.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Separate hammocks with a popcorn next to you and then you can just reach over and, and pick out the popcorn. Are you thinking?

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, on either side.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Or you could lie in a hammock and then just, they could come and pour the popcorn into the hammock with you. And then you're just in a sort of big old hammock full of popcorn.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  It would fall through the holes, but like, I think maybe if people were beneath you, that would be nice. Cause they'd like be, get the rain, rain on with the popcorn above them.

• 7:12Speaker 03

  This is like, we, I, this is like, we need acid, I think. It's, there's something, this is lovely, but it's a little tame as hallucin, as hallucinations go.

• 7:24Speaker 02

  Is it? I've, I've never done drugs. This is wild for me. This is wild.

• 7:28Speaker 03

  I haven't actually done.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  What should, what should we add to the, this cinema then?

• 7:31Speaker 03

  I don't know. I was just thinking, I've got to kick this up a notch. What are we going to do with this popcorn now? You know what I mean?

• 7:37Speaker 02

  Surely you've done acid. Your shows are crazy. Look at that face you're putting on people.

• 7:41Speaker 03

  I know. It's very like that. It's very like, it's like a dungeon or something. Yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  You must have been on acid to write that.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  No, I know. No, I haven't. Believe it or not. I'm scared, scared. My dad told me when I was about 14 that he knew someone who curled into a ball and screamed for a year after taking acid. And it really went in, it went in so, it's obviously a lie now, looking back.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Gotta be, gotta be.

• 8:07Speaker 03

  It's a lie, dad. But there are those childhood lies that you don't, you don't unpick them until you're much older and go, hang on a minute.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know, that whole thing of, uh, you get told if the wind changes, if you make a stupid face, the wind changes, you'll stay like that.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  Exactly, yes.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  My mum told me she went to school with someone who that happened to, like genuinely happened to. But I think my mum believed it.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  Really?

• 8:30Speaker 01

  She said a girl, a girl came back after the summer break and her face had, she, she'd be making a stupid face and her face had changed. Pretty sure it's like, are you sure it wasn't like, yeah, she was convinced by it.

• 8:39Speaker 03

  Oh God.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  How old were you? And she's like 13, 14. I was like, you sure it wasn't?

• 8:43Speaker 02

  A different girl.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  A different girl or, or just like the changes of life.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  She's got a different face.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  Seen her in a while. Got a haircut. Speaking of faces, whose face is it anyway?

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Great link, man.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  The Fantastic Show by Nina Conti, Autumn 2025 Tour Extension. That must mean it's been a popular show, Nina.

• 9:02Speaker 03

  It's been very nice. Yes, it's been full.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  Um, so we're doing more and I'm making it very compact in, in October. I'm doing a lot touring. I'm so sorry. I'm feeling really guilty. I shat on the popcorn hammock dream. I think it was tame.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  You feel bad that you did that. Do you feel like you were blocking an import?

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Started it and I blocked.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Maybe we can add some shit to it. Maybe.

• 9:26Speaker 03

  I'm so sorry.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  You eat the popcorn, you shit through the hammock.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  Never shit through a hammock. Imagine.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Like Play-Doh Factory.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Play-Doh Factory.

• 9:33Speaker 03

  Oh, geez, we.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  What? Not tame enough for you?

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Oh, God, I know.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Joe Lycett's back.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. Have you seen his back coming through? This is like a chair or something.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  It's a hammock, I think. Yeah, yeah, it is a hammock. He did that with, yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  I got mistaken for Lycett again at the weekend by two apps. They were hammered, but it was like five in the afternoon. I went in a shop that absolutely trashed. They clocked me and they, well, for one, they were calling me James Lancaster. And then they were like, so good. Your special on eight out of 10 casters countdown. And I was like, what are you talking about? They don't do comedy spec- eight out of 10 casters countdown, just new comedy specials. They were like, no, no, your special was on that. And one of them was Australian. He kept saying, look cunt. It was, it was, it was on, it's a good as countdown. You read out the letters to the, that you said to the car parking guys. I was like, that's Joe Lycett. No, no, no, no shit. Yeah, it's not special. It was a segment that he did on it. They were furious that I wouldn't admit that. They thought I was being, they said, stop being humble. Stop being humble and saying it wasn't you.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  But what we're talking about is your show, not Joe Lycett on eight out of 10 casters countdown.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  My show, I just did four in Scotland and I got to a point at the end of the one last night in, oh God, it's so hard to remember. We've just been, I was in Aberdeen.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  And I got to a point where I had people going like this. I can't remember how it started, but I'm just showing the listener these tweaky little birds my hands are making on either side. And they were all, all four people were going like this and I was making them say, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky. And I, something flipped and I suddenly I couldn't speak. And I had to apologise and say, I've taken this on my two, just so stupid that I can't speak. You've got me. I did it. I blew it. I blew the fuse.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  There must be those moments now and again, because I get them and I'm just like up there just telling stories or whatever. But when you're doing that and you've got the audience involved with the masks.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  You must just be like, take a moment and go, how's, how's it got to this?

• 11:32Speaker 03

  How did we get here? I'm looking left and right going, what is happening in the universe in this little square, foot, twelve foot square? It's really odd. Um, but it was delightful.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:44Speaker 03

  And coming out the train in Aberdeen and seeing the rain in the face in the back of the car parks and these sort of flyover roads that have pavements. And then, then you get to the theatre and I think I'm definitely in the right job. Because this theatre feels like the best building to be in right now, anywhere. You know, it's like cosy, the lights come on, you go, oh, thank goodness, home. But then I made them do that.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Why did you make him do that?

• 12:07Speaker 03

  Well, it happens without any planning and some, someone lifts their hand and I'm watching everyone like a hawk for something to go with. Somebody lifts a hand, like, I don't know, they, I suppose they were gesturing about my monkey or something. But I make him say, I have a duck and I have two and this one's happy and this one's sad. And then it's just gone and then other people start lifting their hands and they want to have their ducky duckies. And everyone's going, ducky ducky. I'm like, what sort of, what sorts of, uh, what's a blobby nonsense have I come up with here? How do we, how do we get home? How do we rise somewhere higher minded?

• 12:45Speaker 02

  You met Blobby?

• 12:47Speaker 03

  Never met Blobby, I'd be terrified.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  I met Blobby.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  Have you?

• 12:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  I'd love to meet Blobby.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  In and out of the suit, out of the suit, um, quite the thesp.

• 12:55Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Really, really talks, really talks quite loftily about Blobby.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  Talks about Blobby in the.

• 13:00Speaker 03

  In masks, like the, the mask.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  Right, yeah.

• 13:04Speaker 02

  Do you guess what you've got to do sometimes? You know?

• 13:05Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 13:06Speaker 02

  You, you, you, I've seen you, your amazing documentary, Her Master's Voice. When you're doing the ventriloquist dummies in the evening, when you've had a bit to drink, I don't think you know which is which, Nina.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Maybe not, no.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  That, that, that, that was compelling stuff. There's a point where you push your dummy off your hand and you're like, you're horrible.

• 13:23Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  You think Blobby goes home, gets pissed, puts the head on?

• 13:26Speaker 02

  Goes, where is he?

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Is there a head? Is it a separate head?

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Good question.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  It was a one long?

• 13:31Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, I didn't see him standing like that with a, yeah, I just saw him completely out the costume. Or in the costume where he is full blobby, even in rehearsals for the, for the panel show.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  And you cannot get him to do what he's told.

• 13:43Speaker 03

  Just, Blobby doesn't make a noise, does he?

• 13:45Speaker 02

  He's such Blobby Blobby Blobby.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's how we know he's called Mr Blobby.

• 13:48Speaker 03

  And that's the guy in there is the one making the Blobby noise?

• 13:51Speaker 02

  He's going nuts. Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's going insane. I think it's him doing it.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  Well, you could do it.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  I should have asked that question, but I'm not. But you're like in the same biz as Blobby.

• 14:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, listen.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  So you would have thought to ask that.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  We can't, we can't have that, James. That's not, no.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  How does that make you feel when James said that you're in the same biz as Blobby?

• 14:10Speaker 02

  It's pretty similar.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  I can't, please no.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  You just said you, you were on stage shouting Ducky, Ducky, Ducky. That's, that's not far away from Blobby Blobby Blobby.

• 14:20Speaker 03

  I know, but that was the absolute nadir of my career.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Last time I saw you was at a Christmas party and I, I think I spent most of it reprimanding you for giving me the hardest gig of my life years ago.

• 14:32Speaker 03

  I know, do you want to go for it again? One more time? I can take it.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  I'd love to hear this, please.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  If I, I thought I didn't come out well as this story.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  I think you come out well. I think it's just funny. I think it's the funny circumstances when Nina and I did a, a new material night. What we were told was a new material night. We turned up and then we discovered while we were there, the compare was on. Everyone was having a bad gig. There was about 20 acts on. And the compare at one point spoke to someone in the front row who revealed how much they'd paid for their ticket. And Nina was next to me and he went, what the fuck? That's loads. We can't all be going up there doing new stuff.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 15:06Speaker 02

  And I was like, well, it's new material, we're not getting paid. And Nina was like, I don't feel good about this. And then I just saw her put the new puppet back in her bag and then bring out the monkey. And I was like,

• 15:16Speaker 01

  You're in trouble.

• 15:17Speaker 02

  I was like, Nina, I'm on after you. What are you, what are you doing? Goes on, just obliterates, not just the venue, all of Soho was almost like in ruins after this gig. Like absolutely, the audience's heads are spinning around and popping off. People can't believe how funny it is. It's literally the best. So, you know, Nid is like, got a, like a set with that monkey that is some of the best comedy you'll ever see.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  And then I had to go on after that with my new stuff and they never died.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Why didn't you pivot?

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Cause I didn't have anything like that.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  Even my old stuff.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  Martin James.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  He's ready to eat apricots.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  No, I think it's pure art. He's there to do the art. That's what you should do. That's why I think, I think he's the more valiant in that story. Cause you go on, you do your new stuff. That's what, that's how you create.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  You're a professional, Nina.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  The world going, but I. You gave those people a good night.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  All right. I gave them a good night.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  James refuses to give people a good night.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, famously.

• 16:09Speaker 03

  I think I probably didn't have new material. I probably was just thinking.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  You did have new material. You had a bunch of puppets that were all new. They were all sitting at the back next to me while I was watching you, looking at those guys going, well.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Have you ever had a new puppet to do new material and then it turns out it just doesn't work?

• 16:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've, I've never really had any other puppets than Monkey. I had a granny for a bit and then I thought it was a man puppet, actually, that put in a dress. But then I thought, I'll get an actual granny and then I'll, I, I spent a lot of time and money designing this old lady. And then when she arrived, she had nothing to say.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  And I would look at her and think, say something. God damn it. Nothing. Just a sad, needy look like a dog that you have to leave in the house. And so I, I don't.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Sitting there when you come back from gigs being like, you have a good time? Do you have a good, another good one, did you? He's the fucking monkey again.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  Ters and just like this feeling of owing. And so I ended up just using Monkey, really. There's something so comfortable about that Monkey to me. It's the one, it's the one. It's got the, it's got the voice. I was gonna say, I've definitely fallen for my own illusion. But he's very easy, fits in a handbag. He's very straight looking face that you can project anything on. So I don't really, I have, I'll be really surprised if I use another puppet. It serves the purpose. I'm not a puppet guy. I'm not actually a monkey guy. Either.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Well, now, this, this thing of putting the masks on the audience as well, I think when you hit on that, that must have been absolutely huge.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  But that's lovely and it just keeps generating new stuff. Yeah, I love that. And I've started making my own of those a bit.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  And then I've got somebody, we, I've got a better system now, where we're 3D printing them and you can come up with a few more faces more quickly. So, yeah, it's different every time and that's really a relief. It's lovely.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  If Ed, myself and Benito were puppets, who do you think would be the most inspiring if you looked at us to, and who would have the most to say?

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Well, Benito's the most inspiring in this situation. He hasn't got a mic and it's like, what would he, what would he say?

• 18:23Speaker 01

  What's he thinking?

• 18:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's thinking a lot of stuff.

• 18:27Speaker 03

  I mean, you're very capable with your own faces. I don't feel like the need to override what you've got, you know, you know.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  I, I, yeah, the, the silent producer is a, is an intriguing character.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  It's very intriguing. It's very, very.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  He definitely hates our guts, I'll tell you that.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  He hates our guts. If he was, if he was a puppet, he'd be slagging us off, even, even though he's fucked up a lot this week.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  We always start with still a sparkling water, Nina.

• 18:52Speaker 03

  Oh, yes. I'm gonna go sparkling. Belting stuff from the Highlands, not this gentle Italian fizz.

• 18:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  That really stuff that hurts.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  You want stuff that.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Scor heats the roof of your mouth.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Feel sparkling.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Strong bubbles, spiking bubbles. Yeah.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  How, how ferocious, ferocious do you want the bubbles like?

• 19:13Speaker 03

  As, as ferocious as it gets. Yeah.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  You wanna feel it.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  Well, this is, this is the dream restaurant, so we can, we can take it dangerously ferocious if you want.

• 19:21Speaker 03

  Yes, go for it.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  We can, it's, it's really gonna be painful, though.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  It's gonna be like a big cup of pins.

• 19:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like they're moving really fast.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  Okay, let's go for it. It hurts.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  Wow, you're tough, man.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. You're so tough.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  How long you been tough for?

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 03

  Like, ten minutes.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Ten minutes toughness.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  Ten minutes toughness. Tap? Do you get a lot of tap?

• 19:44Speaker 02

  Some people do specify tap and it's because where they grew up or where they live has very good tap water and they're very proud of it.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  No, I also think it's people who want to seem down to earth during an interview. Yeah, yeah, they're like, oh no, I'll just have tap.

• 19:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  You look at them and you're like, you ain't having tap.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  No way. You'd throw tap back in your assistant's face.

• 20:04Speaker 03

  In a restaurant, I actually often do go tap when they say still or sparkling, but then you feel guilty. It's like, oh, okay, tap. Love it.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  I don't think you should feel guilty. I think they set it up so you have to ask for tap. So

• 20:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  when they go, do you want still or sparkling water? You have to make that step and say tap to get it for free.

• 20:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  All they're doing is trying to get more money out of you.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's true.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And you should say all that to them.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  You go, I know what you're doing.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:33Speaker 02

  Be like, I know what this is.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Now bring me sparkling water that's painful.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Let's start as we mean to go on here and be honest with each other and open. And then after you try and just pull the wool over bars and trick me.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Well, sometimes it's the other way around. Yesterday I had a whole thing with my, the shop around the corner from me, always trying to get me to have a loyalty card.

• 20:53Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  And I'm always like, I don't, I don't want one. And that, and, and

• 20:57Speaker 01

  Hang on, what do you mean always? Do they know it's you every time or do they offer it as a new customer?

• 21:01Speaker 02

  They know it's me every time. They always offer me a loyalty card. I go, no, I'm all right. Once I, once I had it and I lost it within a week and I was like, I'm not bothering with this. And, and yesterday she was like, come on, just you're in here all the time. Get, get a loyalty card.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  She's got a point.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  I was like, I'm not having one. I don't, I don't do, I was like, I'll lose it. It'll become a whole thing for me. Well, I've got to remember to have it. It'll become a stress in my life I don't need. And I'm trying to say to her, I'm loaded. Without saying it. So I tried to say, look, and eventually I had to go, look, look, I promise you, I'm gonna come in here just as much as I do anyway. Either way. So you're either gonna get more or less money.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  What sort of shop is it?

• 21:36Speaker 02

  Just a nice shop. I get go and get my um my fruits and vegetables, go and get my smoked salmon, go and get my kombucha.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Oh, it's that that you can get a loyalty card in a shop like that.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  They know you're loaded because you're going in to get your kombuchas and smoked salmon from a shop regularly.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  I feel like if I had managed to change and fill up a whole thing of stamps and then I got a free coffee.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:59Speaker 03

  Wouldn't be enough. No, I don't know if it would feel enough.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  What what would you want instead?

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Much more. I'd want I'd want all kinds. I don't know. I want a holiday.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  I bought ten coffees and now I'm claiming my holiday.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  Fill this up. Do you know what it took to remember that and bring it? And this coffee is not the big enough reward, I would say.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  If it was a holiday to Aberdeen, would that be a good enough holiday?

• 22:26Speaker 03

  No, although I did have a holiday in a car park in Selkirk during lockdown. That was really, that was a big, big era. I fell for the photographs on the Airbnb, which were a country mansion with rolling hills and they were nearby. But they weren't part of the bloody place. It wasn't. It was in a car park. I'm not joking.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  So on the photos, it was like it was just photos of the local scenery rather than the view from the window.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  So I find that kind of thing painful. I found booking painful and I don't read the small print. I just think, oh, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna go if I don't just book it. I'll just book it. She has a book and then go and then suffer.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  Car park.

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Terrible at that. Yeah.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  See, in my head, you were in a car as well. You were sleeping in your car.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  On the holiday in the car park.

• 23:14Speaker 03

  In the car park.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  That's what I thought. When you said that, I thought, oh, my God. It's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. But you were in a house in the car park.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  I was in a house in the car park, yeah.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  Get my head around how that works.

• 23:24Speaker 03

  I think somebody had a garage and they turned it into a sort of a lofty barn sort of thing, but it wasn't really. It was probably still out there.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Were you in the little box with the with the with the arm that goes up and down and lets people in and out? Was that where you were sleeping?

• 23:38Speaker 01

  I'd like to sleep in one of those.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  In a little toll booth?

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:41Speaker 03

  In a toll booth, yeah. Alright. On the arm, up and down all night, please.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  Sliding all the way down and then sliding back to the middle.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  If you worked in a topi, would you like duck down below the table and do the monkey?

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Yes, thank God. Then I wouldn't have to be there. It would be laughing and apologising for everything he says, just them.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Now the monkey's come back up, I'd really like to talk about your film actually. Tell us a little bit about Sunlight, your directorial debut.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  Yes, I know. It was a, it was a real pleasure to do. It's been, since I began working on that, seven years, believe it or not. I cannot believe how long it takes to make a film.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 24:23Speaker 03

  But that's a love story between a man and a woman who doesn't want to come out of a monkey suit, which is me.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  And that, that really is me, I think, in the world. And so deciding that you, whatever you had doctored yourself as the way to present in life, isn't right. Not really what you want, but you're stuck in it. And then you, and you don't make good decisions because you're not a good ambassador for yourself. And then you get a monkey and you're hidden in it. And you just, you don't have to be a woman or anything and you can just start from scratch. That was kind of the premise. And that's what I kind of did on stage. I got a monkey built by the woman who makes Chewbacca. And I really, really loved being in it. But it was very stuffy and I couldn't breathe, but it definitely was my happy place because I couldn't.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  I, I don't know, it was very freeing. And then I did an hour of stand up in that monkey, straight out the gate, without a plan, new material, James.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. Wow. Where was I? Not going on next to that gig.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  Need to let me borrow the monkey costume for my bit as well.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  But I was working with Chanelle Allen of The Pajama Men and we were doing little gigs together. And I was sort of falling in love with him from inside this monkey suit. This is a weird seduction, but it might just work, you know, maybe I can, maybe I can pull this off. And, uh, yeah.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  Anyway.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Do you still love him if you're not in the suit?

• 25:48Speaker 03

  I do very much. Yeah, yeah. I came out.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  But he has to be in the suit.

• 25:51Speaker 02

  He has to be in the suit.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  Someone's gonna have the suit on.

• 25:54Speaker 03

  I had a suit just lying next to us. But the, um, I really enjoyed making it. I went to New Mexico. Uh, it felt like proper American road trip movie. And, uh, yeah, I loved doing that. It was, yeah, it was great.

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Chanel was a little pervert.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, I remember this. Go on, please.

• 26:11Speaker 03

  This.

• 26:12Speaker 02

  He walked at Glastonbury Festival. My girlfriend and I were, uh, in our caravan, um, sleeping on top of the, it's so hot, boiling hot. So we're sleeping on top of the bed, just in our underwear. Chanel just walked in out of nowhere.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  He got the wrong caravan. He reversed out of there. He was very, very, uh, it was extremely British, actually, in that moment. He was like, oh, I'm sorry. And I was like.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  Didn't you immediately shout that he was a pervert?

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, I said, get out of here, you dirty little pervert. I'll slap you silly. That's Home Alone.

• 26:43Speaker 02

  That's from Home Alone.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  Popadums or bread? Popadums or bread, Nina Conti? Popadums or bread?

• 26:49Speaker 03

  Popadums or bread, you say?

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Just a bit.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Um, you did just a bit say that. I would like popadums, please.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  Lovely, lovely choice. Why the, why the popadums?

• 26:59Speaker 03

  Crispy.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  Thin.

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Sauces, fun sauces.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  You can have all the sauces. Take, take us through the fun sauces.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  I wasn't expecting that. Crusher was a curveball. He lied down. Wow. Yeah, popadums. I like those little popadums in a bag of crisps. They're not in with the crisps. They are the crisps. And I, I would have them at the Royal Shakespeare Company. I was there, darling. And, uh, at the Dirty Duck Pub after the show, they would sell those. I'd have them with, uh, my old friend Annie.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Do you want those for your dream menu then? We'll get them from the Dirty Duck Pub.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  From the Dirty Duck.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Little packet of popadums.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  Packet popadums.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  The many ones.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  People have a certain idea about Shakespeare and the RSC, the sort of how highfalutin the whole thing is. I think people might be surprised to hear that you're off to the Dirty Duck for a bag of popadums.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  It's all about sort of shagging out there, I think.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah?

• 27:56Speaker 03

  It was. It was a bit like a ca- a summer camp or something.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  You know, but then what's it?

• 28:03Speaker 03

  Ah, I was going to really slag it off, but I was scared. What if I want to go back? But it was, I don't want to go back.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Come on, slag it off, they'll listen to this.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  It was just so.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  What, you think Shakespeare's gonna hear?

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Shakespeare's not gonna hear it.

• 28:16Speaker 03

  I like Shakespeare. Shakespeare would roll over in his grave if he knew how bad some of those shows were.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  Well, there we go. So he leapt over the line. That you were scared of approaching a bit.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  There's po-po-osity about it and there's a incre- he's sort of got to behave there and all of this. But it's actually kind of a theme park, I think, when they're doing it all the time. And maybe there've been good ones. I'm talking about a long time ago. I was there in 2000. It was a long time ago. And it felt like everybody was pretending. I don't know, I just couldn't feel, I couldn't believe in any of it. But maybe I was just very sour grapes, didn't have any lines. And I was in a very tight dress and I had to not, but I had to not laugh or anything. I had to hold my hands in a clasp like that, you know, the chest bone. And pretend to take an unnatural interest in what the speaking characters were saying.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Was that your first puppet? Just the hands in front, not saying anything?

• 29:12Speaker 03

  The hands holding on to each other. Well, I would dig my nails in because I would get the giggles. Because it was serious and I wasn't allowed to get the giggles. And you had to behave well. You got told off all the time. I got sent to the voice department and stuff.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  The voice department?

• 29:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, you're sent to the voice department.

• 29:28Speaker 03

  On day one in the Swan Theatre, we walked around and we had to say, I'm wonderful. And I can't tell you how unhappy that made me.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Quite rightly.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  And, and some people, these drama exercises, I think they do have their point because they get you out of yourself or something. But that, that really, that really broke me, that I'm wonderful in a big voice. I felt so silly.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 29:51Speaker 03

  But maybe now, actually, looking back, I think I was a very, I hadn't bloomed at all. I was a very tense person. And so I would say everything was stupid because I didn't want to take the risk of looking stupid.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  So actually, in retrospect, I go, go for it then. See if you can walk around the theatre saying, I'm wonderful. Properly and sonorously, then you, maybe you do belong here.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Can you do it now?

• 30:17Speaker 03

  No.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  No. I think that's one of the, or maybe the biggest difference between comedians and actors. Like, is that I think to be an actor, you really have to not give a shit about looking silly. And being embarrassed and just, just go for it. And comedians, we think everything is stupid. We don't want to do it. We feel really stupid doing that sort of stuff.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Looking silly should be our job.

• 30:40Speaker 02

  It should be our job, but actually, we are very, we're all very controlled.

• 30:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  And, and just the way that we like it. We don't want to do the stuff that feels, feels stupid.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  No, we don't want to do and say someone else's lines and do all of that. I know, I would find it really hard going back to acting. Even if I had to go walk over there and pick up a cup.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  Wow, on the way, I'd be feeling like a fraud.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've never picked up a cup before.

• 31:07Speaker 03

  Surely they know I'm not really going to pick up this cup.

• 31:11Speaker 02

  What was the play? What was the Shakespeare play?

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Um, I was in As You Like It and I was in Comedy Varys and I was in a very long George Bernard Shaw play called Back to Methuselah. As You Like It was the, was the really, was the big challenge. That was the big challenge where I was really set dressing and standing in that dress. It was very difficult. So I'm, I, I got out of there. That's when I went to comedy was I got out of there.

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  I became ventriloquist short ring the time I was there.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  I had to do a school play once where I played a waiter who didn't have any lines because it was like a cafe in the background of the whole play. And they were like, just come out now and again and sweep, sweep the road. I swept that road every 30 seconds, I'd say.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  As the waiter?

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just, you know, in charge of the cafe and pop out, sweep. They were like, just do it when, whenever you want, but like, you know, you just sweep in the road. Oh, that road was squeaky clean by the end of it.

• 32:01Speaker 02

  Should I be sweeping the road as the genie waiter?

• 32:03Speaker 01

  Well, maybe you should actually.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  I'm supposed to be sweeping the road? I didn't know that was one of my duties?

• 32:11Speaker 00

  I'm Jake Stauk, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work, and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company. This is a new way to run IT.

• 32:52Speaker 00

  We guarantee you'll automate 50% of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  Go to serval.com/tickets. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash tickets.

• 33:08Speaker 04

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 33:14Speaker 05

  Love the crown molding.

• 33:15Speaker 04

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 33:19Speaker 05

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 33:23Speaker 04

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 33:30Speaker 04

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 33:32Speaker 06

  Get Verizon FiOS because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 33:37Speaker 07

  Some travelers want the charm of an independent hotel. Others want the confidence of a trusted global brand. With Series by Marriott, you get both. Each property is uniquely connected to its destination, delivering local experiences and memorable stays. While being backed by the quality, reliability and Marriott Bonvoy benefits travelers know and trust. Experience the destination without the compromise. Series by Marriott is part of Marriott Bonvoy. Book direct at marriott.com or on the Marriott Bonvoy app.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  Let's start with your dream starter.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  My dream starter is a pistachio nut tree.

• 34:17Speaker 02

  What?

• 34:18Speaker 03

  Tree.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  And you eat the pistachios off the tree because they're very different on the tree.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 34:26Speaker 03

  And they're beautiful. They're pink, these lovely little pink buds. And the tree is a very beautiful tree and it smells amazing. I only met one for the first time last year. And I was in love with this tree, thinking that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen. And I didn't know what it was, but on that Leaf App thing, when it tells you what it is, and our phones do it anyway, it told me, you take a picture and then it's like Shazam's the tree. And pistachio came up and that was so exciting. I was, oh my God, those little pink buds are pistachios. And then you could open them and they're pink and they're sort of fruity and they taste amazing.

• 35:07Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 35:07Speaker 03

  That was in Greece.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  I know any of what you've just said existed until you just said it. I didn't know pistachio trees were a thing. I didn't know you can Shazam a tree. Like, this is incredible. Wow.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's really, really lovely. I know, we always think of them as those open guys in bowls and they're salty and they're colourless. These were really pink.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  And are they still in shells? Are there still shells?

• 35:28Speaker 03

  It was a shell. You had to kind of, you bite through that with your teeth.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  They're not, obviously they're not as open. Is that when you take them off and you dry them maybe?

• 35:36Speaker 03

  I'm trying to remember. I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open, but definitely I remember biting the open.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  You bit it open.

• 35:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Your dentist would tell you off for that.

• 35:46Speaker 03

  Right, and molars. Yeah, it works.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  Did your dentist listen to this podcast?

• 35:50Speaker 03

  I haven't been in a while.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  Oh, mine does.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  Obviously.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  What you've got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast, he lives in an animated world, in a small village, like in a sort of Fireman Sam world.

• 36:05Speaker 03

  Lovely, yes.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  Where he knows his dentist, he knows his dentist by his full name.

• 36:08Speaker 03

  You know the dentist's full name?

• 36:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  And how long you been going to this dentist?

• 36:13Speaker 02

  Quite a while, since 2018, I'd say.

• 36:15Speaker 03

  You know.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that is when I moved to that flat and then I just carried on going to the, even when I moved out, carried on seeing the same dentist.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  And seven, seven years that, that you've been seeing this dentist, have you seen him more than once a year?

• 36:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist and then I'll see them in the corridor. My dentist, I go, oh, just in the hygienist. He'll, he'll say, I listened to an episode the other day and then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode? Oh no, did I speak loads about sweets again? Is he gonna, I mean, probably in the bad books.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  James is very obsessive about things like that. So.

• 36:50Speaker 03

  That's amazing.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  James goes to the dentist every day to have his teeth brushed.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Me again.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  Because you're ventriloquist when you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Hmm. I can, I can, yeah, I can still talk.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 37:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  That's great. Do you do that? I know you haven't been in a while.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Do you say, do you do them saying what great teeth you have?

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, your teeth are so perfect. You don't need to come back for five years.

• 37:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's the, it, the very back of your mouth, you're using the, the back of your tongue and the soft palate. Uh, to form substitute lips at the back and.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  That's where you do plosives. Now we're at plosive, it's written all over the wall behind you.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:35Speaker 03

  That's how you form plosives.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 37:38Speaker 03

  Tongue into the soft palate. And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth. So that can be open and things can be in and you can still say Peter Piper and all that.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  That's really funny.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  If you want to.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  Not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips.

• 37:51Speaker 02

  No?

• 37:51Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  No, no, just when something just scratches the wrong itch.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Yes. It doesn't sound nice.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, sounds pretty horrible.

• 38:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 02

  As well as what, whatever you said, humping your tongue against the back of your palate.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  Humping's nasty. Substitute lips is nasty. I've loved the tone.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  But I would, if I was you, I'd be talking all the time during the dentist.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  I absolutely love it.

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Well, you have a lot to say to it.

• 38:17Speaker 02

  Especially last time I was there, like when I went in to the hygienist and the assistant just said hello to me, no small talk beforehand, as soon as they're in my mouth, they start saying to each other, so who do you think's gonna win traitors? And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I can't get it. So I was having to like, put my, like, one of them said, to be fair to her, she said the person who did end up winning, but I disagreed at the time. I put my, my hand in the air and I wag my finger, uh, uh, uh. While they were in my mouth. And they were like, you don't agree? I was like, uh.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  But you left the dentist there for your loyalty card.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I'd take that one.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  I'm there every morning. A pistachio tree sounds amazing. We haven't had this.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Do you want it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant? You say, we say it's time for your starter and the tree grows in front of you.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Yes, if it's, if it can be spread along a bit.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. No, no, I don't mean growing in real time.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, but what is it? It's quite a long starter. It's actually the most of the meal if you're waiting for it to grow in real time.

• 39:17Speaker 03

  Yes, a very long time.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  I'd say most of the meal, yeah.

• 39:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. I don't know what the rest of it is yet.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Could be stuff that takes even longer.

• 39:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  Yes, they can roll it out, roll it out with this big clump of earth.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  How big is it?

• 39:31Speaker 03

  I think it's on a par with, I've tried to leave another tree, Rome tree, maybe?

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Well, see, that's not, not helpful.

• 39:39Speaker 03

  Of a, a football goal.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  A football goal?

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Thanks for speaking our language. You, you took one look at us and you went, we're gonna have to make this about football for these lads.

• 39:51Speaker 03

  Hang on a minute. I think the, the four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree.

• 39:58Speaker 01

  On our shoulders or?

• 39:59Speaker 03

  You're the trunk, we're on your shoulders and we reach our hands out and we've got about the size.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  And we should do that one day.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  We'll do that one day.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  And we're like acrobats on Ed's shoulders, all coming out of different angles.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, and with our fingers splayed and everything, extremities out and that each is a bunch of pink pistachio nuts.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  Your dream main course?

• 40:26Speaker 03

  Um, my dream main course, gosh, this is a dream. I, I should have dreamt bigger because this is something that I can have any time. But my dad makes a spaghetti pomodoro, which is very nice with fresh tomatoes and it comes from his father. It's Italy. It's my Italian connection, which I tried to make the most of. I never met anyone Italian in my family. They all died, but I, but I, this is a connection, this dish. And I made a video of him making it with the monkey and he put up with it very sweetly and made the whole spaghetti,

• 41:03Speaker 03

  with monkey being facetious. So it's that. And you, you make, you, you don't put the garlic in it. You don't eat the garlic, but you flavor the oil with the garlic, good olive oil, fresh tomatoes and very al dente pasta, which he has a weird thing. He doesn't use a colander. He takes a pinch, a pincer thing and takes them out and sort of waggles them around a bit and then into the plate.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  Nice. I like that.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:30Speaker 01

  Is that to keep some of the water?

• 41:32Speaker 03

  The water, yeah. It's not too drying. Yeah.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  This does sound absolutely delicious.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  That does sound good.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Classic.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  It's quite simple. No cheese, little bit of chili, a little bit of arrabbiata, a little bit angry, that means if you want a little bit angry, but.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  Is that what that, I don't think I ever knew what that means.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  Is that what it means? Arrabbiata?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  That's what he told me.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  But he's an actor as well. He could have.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  I mean, I don't trust him with the acid story.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. He did, he did tell you about, about you screaming for a year.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Screaming for a year.

• 42:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  That man was very arrabbiata.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  And you, is this, is your whole life you've had this? You, you dad's been making this?

• 42:10Speaker 03

  I, I guess so. Yeah. I think so. And then I went to, he told me that the tomatoes are the best. If you go to the Amalfi Coast, that's where you get the tomatoes, the, the most lovely. And I went there this year and had it there and it was lovely.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  Mmm. So maybe the man did scream for a year.

• 42:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe he did. Maybe still screaming.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Oh, so you think it was a year when your dad told you?

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was only a year then.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  He's a year in.

• 42:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was a year in.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  He's, he hasn't unballed either. He's still.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Terrible for your back, that.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Awful for him. Yeah, he's fucked. That's it. If he's still doing it, he's never getting out of that position. He's always gonna be a little ball.

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Maybe my dad was on acid when he told me that.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  That's true. It could have been when he, when he.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, look, that man is just over there screaming.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, the pastor was very weird that day. All over the place. Used a colander, that's how you knew.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  That guy must be on acid. He's tripping balls.

• 43:10Speaker 02

  He said that he put up with the monkey. What does your dad think of all your, your comedy and your shows?

• 43:15Speaker 03

  I think he's sort of astounded that I would be a ventriloquist, as am I. I don't know what, how it's happened. It's a very strange thing to say, you are. It's not something I've been a fan of or anything. He's, he's astounded and, um, I don't know. I think he, he's a little frightened, maybe, of what that monkey can say, that it might be angry, or maybe that I'm not okay, or it's everything okay. Why is he so foul to you? That sort of thing.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  Oh, that's what he said?

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yes. And I don't think of the monkey as foul. Everybody says he's a rude monkey and everything, but I don't know if he is really. I think he's kind of all right. Seems normal to me. I don't know. He's, um, the best part of myself. That line from Tootsie.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  It would be weird if the monkey was just, like, completely normal and agreeable though, right?

• 44:13Speaker 03

  He is.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  As in, he's not, you know, he is rude. He's cheeky monkey.

• 44:18Speaker 03

  He's not deliberately rude.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  That wouldn't, you know, it wouldn't be a show if you had a monkey puppet who was just normal and fine.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Agreed with you.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  No, he's just honest. He's not out to be rude. I mean, I guess my honest self might be rude, but I consider it sort of straight talking, quite yogic, quite calm. He's got a steady pulse and just says things quite honestly. Unlike me, I'm like fretting around at his side. But I don't think of him as rude. I think of him as steady.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  Then what's like, I swear that there's bits in it where, like, if I'm thinking about the 10 minute gold and all the hits, uh, set that you did at the new material night. Um, there, there's plenty of lines in that where you say something and the monkey's like, fires back at you with a little, you know, with a dig.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Yes, I mean, he's all the time called me a slut and a bitch and all of that.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  Some people would say that's rude.

• 45:08Speaker 03

  Some people would, I can't get enough of it for some reason. I, I don't know. I think I find it honest.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  I couldn't say that and then start saying I'm being yogic. Guys, I'm, I'm being yogic.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  You're about your sluts?

• 45:23Speaker 03

  It's funny. I don't know why I'll never not find it funny and calling me a slut. I don't know why that, what does that mean that I find that so funny? And then if I say, don't tell, call me that hasn't aged well, you know, just say it again. And it got, I just, for some reason.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Well, that is funny.

• 45:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's measurable.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Monkey, monkey calling you a slut is funny.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, as long as, you know, as long as we know it's actually you doing it.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 03

  As long as we know it's me doing it.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. If that was you and Chanel and Chanel said that on stage, I'd be like, I got used to fucking.

• 45:54Speaker 03

  It's a bit much.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Well, that's not, that's not funny.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  That's rich coming from a perv.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. He has rich coming from you, Chanel, you little perv. But like, that's part of the thing, isn't it, is that we know it, we know it's you.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 46:06Speaker 02

  But also, we're not sure that you know it's you.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  No, or am I?

• 46:10Speaker 02

  As the audience. We're like, does she know that's her?

• 46:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Cause that comment from the monkey seemed to have genuinely caught her off guard just then.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it's true. And I've leant into that as much as possible. So I have let control go. I would like to encourage madness and, you know, split personality with that monkey. I try not to get in the way. I look at him and I try to have nothing to do with what comes out his mouth. So I wonder if I've grown little separate neural pathways that are slightly different from my own over time. I hope I have.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  Like severance.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  Love to go on a brain scan and see what happens when he's talking and when I'm talking. It'd be really fun to see a different bit light up. I hope so. Been working out for ages.

• 46:51Speaker 02

  I think severance.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  You think it's like severance?

• 46:53Speaker 03

  Severance, yeah.

• 46:53Speaker 02

  It's like severance. I think, yeah, he's your innie, your work self, and you're the outie.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:59Speaker 02

  And you're just on stage together and you don't know that it's both you.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  No, I have to look at him as well for it to work. Actually, I have to look at the face to properly engage the severance because then it seems to talk to me. And during a bad gig, I look at it and it seems to look at me like this is not good, Nina. You've let me down.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  I was saying, he never takes responsibility for the bad gig.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  No, he looks at me blankly like, nah, wasn't this is not okay, Nina. They don't like you and I'm here having to put up with this.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Quite a toxic double act, really. Yeah.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  Just like us.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  But then sometimes he's a real friend, like in with the French, the Paris food gig I did, where everybody's standing up and they're taking little morsels off trays and people, and there was music playing and it was a corporate I shouldn't have done, but I thought Paris would be nice. And they weren't listening. It was just a lady on stage with a teddy trying to hold herself together. And they were all chatting and I looked at Monkey and oh my God, I could have hugged him. It's just like the only friend in the world. We were in it together and I looked at him. I mean, really, I wanted to just hug him.

• 48:12Speaker 02

  That's a food podcast. Do you remember the food at the food gig that you did? Was it an awful gig?

• 48:17Speaker 03

  I'm afraid I don't remember. I don't remember. I had a nap under the table before I went on. Feeling really bleak. It was a tough one.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  It was a tough one because they were going, that lady was napping under the table just now.

• 48:30Speaker 03

  With her puppet.

• 48:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:31Speaker 02

  Are you kidding me? She thought it's a crazy lady. I kicked her earlier.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  I'm Jake Stauk, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company. This is a new way to run IT.

• 49:22Speaker 00

  We guarantee you'll automate 50% of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four week pilot.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Go to serval.com/tickets. That's S E R V A L dot com slash tickets.

• 49:37Speaker 03

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 49:43Speaker 05

  Love the crown molding.

• 49:45Speaker 03

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 49:49Speaker 05

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 49:56Speaker 05

  No FiOS? Yeah, no, thank you.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye bye.

• 50:02Speaker 06

  Get Verizon FiOS because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Your dream side dish.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  Oh, God, I haven't made these fun enough. These are all real. I was in New York recently.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  We started with a pistachio tree. I don't want you to worry about your menu. This is fantastic. We've had a lovely pistachio tree, a beautiful dish that reminds you of your dad. And he used to cook it and still cooks it with the monkey. We've got all of these.

• 50:34Speaker 03

  Thank you, thank you.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  We've got Shakespearean popadoms. It's great.

• 50:37Speaker 03

  Okay, great. Great. Well, this is broccoli rabe.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 50:43Speaker 03

  R A A B. And it's from Little Italy in New York. And when I was doing shows there last year, there's an Italian delicatessen. I think it's called De Paolo. I hope it is. And it was on the corner and you have to go there early. They're a little bit rude to you. You have to stand in a special place in the queue. You don't walk up to the counter because they don't like that. And you have to wait. They shout at you to wait. And then you go, but you have to go early in the morning or the rabe will be gone.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 51:12Speaker 03

  And it's freshly made. And so, and then you go up and you talk to them and they, they do explain a lot about the food. You realize it's kind of a show and that's why you had to wait your turn. You can't interrupt the show. And that was really lovely and I had that most days.

• 51:28Speaker 01

  That does sound delicious and I'm still not totally sure. I've seen it on TV shows. I've seen people talk about it.

• 51:35Speaker 03

  I don't know where to buy it.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  I don't know what it is, really.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  I don't know how to get it. It's a tiny bit bitter, yeah, and it's much thinner, stringier than broccoli.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:43Speaker 03

  Um, but it's soft and it's so delicious. Yeah, a little bit bitter.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Also, because I think I've only ever heard Americans say broccoli rub.

• 51:50Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  So I didn't know it was actually called broccoli rub. I thought they were saying broccoli rob.

• 51:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought that because the first place I heard it was the American office where Andy Bernard's character has a friend called broccoli rub. But the way he says it, I thought he's saying, because it's a person he's talking about.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Broccoli rob.

• 52:06Speaker 02

  His name was called, his name was broccoli rob and oh, that's, and because they never, you never see that character. It's a friend of his from college who he talks about who he was in an a cappella group with. And he gets mentioned a few times and you're like, well, I guess it's the guy called Robbie like broccoli.

• 52:19Speaker 01

  Or he has got big sort of puffy hair.

• 52:21Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Like broccoli, yeah.

• 52:22Speaker 02

  It could have had a puffy hair like broccoli. So like, you don't know any of that. And then actually when I learned it was broccoli rob, I was like, so I don't want the fuck that character's named after an entire dish? That was even more questions for me.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, rob sounds easier to say because rob.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Rob.

• 52:35Speaker 03

  You get lost in that vowel. That's a shame, isn't it?

• 52:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. Don't take acid and try and say rob. You'll be, you'll be saying it for a year.

• 52:43Speaker 03

  Eating rob in a sob.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Sob, sob.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  I don't like a double A really.

• 52:47Speaker 01

  No, I agree.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Lose, lose the will to live before the end.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  Well, how did they prepare this broccoli rob?

• 52:56Speaker 03

  I didn't see that. I imagined it was a slow saute.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  Oh, saute, that's another difficult one. Sauteed rob. Um, I'm, yeah, I think that they, it, it's very oily.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 53:11Speaker 03

  And there's a lot of garlic in it that you do eat. It was delicious. That's on the side.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  And I got to ask as well, because you said these men were rude, the, the staff are rude to you. Now, earlier you said the monkey wasn't rude and we know what the monkey says. So how bad must these people have been? What were they calling you?

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  I think I got just shouted at quite sternly to get in the queue because I went to the counter and they didn't want me there at all.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:36Speaker 03

  Back in the queue.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  But it was, uh, I don't know, it's Italian, it's kind of charming road, you know?

• 53:41Speaker 02

  It's part of the experience.

• 53:42Speaker 03

  It's not so bad.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:45Speaker 03

  I'm getting over now. It's not so bad.

• 53:49Speaker 01

  I like, I, I get a real kick out of doing things right and following the rules. So I'd be, the first time I went and I'm told off for going to the counter, I'd be gutted. And I'd have to build up the, the bravery to go back, really, the courage.

• 54:01Speaker 03

  I did, it took a lot.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  But then when I go back and do the right thing straight away, I'd love it. And I'd love it if someone else was there for the first time and they messed up.

• 54:10Speaker 03

  So you're explaining exactly what happened.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  How do you not know this?

• 54:13Speaker 03

  They're gonna get it.

• 54:15Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Oh, when I, when I, when I first started, you know, doing gigs in London, little boy from Kettering. I'd stand on the wrong side of the escalator, get bollocked. Now, if I am about to go up the escalator and I see someone standing on the wrong side, I'm like, here we go.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 02

  Oh, rubbing my hands together. Why do you even wanna walk up that side, but I'm doing it.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  It's like, it's a family with small kids.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Excuse me, can you be just stupid fucking kids move out the way please?

• 54:42Speaker 02

  Absolutely brilliant. And then, and then they, they always move muttering, oh, people in London are so rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you. Fuck you, stand on that side of the escalator, it's written everywhere, you fucking idiot. I love it.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  Do you cause trouble in the public?

• 54:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:56Speaker 03

  Do you say fuck off to people?

• 54:58Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no. I'm actually very nice. I'm very polite and I say, excuse me. But I think, I think, I think almost I do it in a way that's even worse.

• 55:07Speaker 03

  You have to because you're famous though. If you weren't, you think you would let it out a bit?

• 55:13Speaker 02

  No.

• 55:13Speaker 03

  No.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  No, no, I've never, I've, I've always tried to be as nice as possible, but they can tell. They can see it in my eyes. And I'm like, oh, excuse me, they're like, that guy.

• 55:22Speaker 03

  Got me to fuck off.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  Thinks my kids are fucking idiots.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  And I'm like, yeah, I do. Fair enough. Fair cop. I do think that.

• 55:35Speaker 02

  Dream drink?

• 55:36Speaker 03

  I've stopped drinking for three years, but dream drink, I can have wine. I could have white wine, I could have Proust, cold.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  Beautiful.

• 55:45Speaker 03

  Oh, it's been ages. I could have a chili margarita, I could have, I could have everything again. I could get it all back.

• 55:55Speaker 03

  I could have a tequila.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Yes, you could.

• 55:57Speaker 03

  Oh, can I? Yeah, it's been so long, three years. Wow. And I'm not going back to it because life is way better.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 56:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:05Speaker 03

  But, you know, obviously I still love it. And a pint of lager with my poppadon crisps. Oh, my God.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:12Speaker 03

  You know?

• 56:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:13Speaker 03

  I get, I could get really hammered on my deathbed, but I have to wait. Cause I'm getting so much more done.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:22Speaker 03

  I'm sleeping well. Managed to make a film. I would never have made that. That would have been a dream dinner if I hadn't.

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:28Speaker 03

  Stopped drinking. But now it's a real dinner, that film.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  That's, that's huge, isn't it, to say you wouldn't have made the film?

• 56:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:35Speaker 03

  I don't think I would. You would have such long evenings without booze in them. I mean, the evening. This is a whole work day. You can do, you can send all the emails and make the film happen. You can fund a film. If you're not getting drunk. And that was, I look back on that with great relief.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  That's very motivating as well.

• 56:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's great to hear.

• 56:56Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 56:57Speaker 02

  Cause like, yeah, I mean, I, I, I'm trying to stop at the minute.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  Are you?

• 57:00Speaker 02

  I've, I've done three weeks so far.

• 57:02Speaker 03

  Oh, well done.

• 57:03Speaker 02

  But like, yeah, that's what I, I, I do feel better.

• 57:06Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  But then also like, I'm definitely at that point where I'm just like, I'll think of a drink that I like. I'll be like, oh my God.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 02

  That tastes so good.

• 57:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, it tastes so good.

• 57:16Speaker 01

  I'm not drinking a huge amount at the moment. I am having, you know, nights at home where I'm not drinking and the evenings are definitely longer. But I just don't do anything.

• 57:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, this guy.

• 57:25Speaker 01

  It's also really easy. Just watch a bit of telly.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, he loves watching telly.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  You're right. I panic. I get panic attacks watching telly or starting a long show that's a box set or something. Oh my God, I really feel like my life is.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Oh, I love it.

• 57:38Speaker 03

  Ebbing away.

• 57:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 57:39Speaker 01

  I hung a wash up last night. I was so proud of myself.

• 57:42Speaker 03

  What with the TV on?

• 57:44Speaker 01

  No, I paused the TV, went and hung it up, put a podcast on while I did the washing.

• 57:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  Cause I was like, I'm gonna hang this wash up, but I need something going on in the background.

• 57:51Speaker 03

  Two things at once.

• 57:52Speaker 01

  I need something going on.

• 57:53Speaker 02

  He needs something going on.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  So I hit play and I was like, this would be good. I'll, I'll listen to a podcast while I do this. And I'd really built up to doing this one chore.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  So in my head, I think I thought it was gonna take maybe two, three hours.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  Long, yeah.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  So I, I hit the podcast, I hung the washing up. It was two and a half minutes it took me. Cause I paused the podcast again.

• 58:09Speaker 03

  So fast. No, it's a great, that's a great tip. That's a life hack.

• 58:13Speaker 01

  So yeah, had a busy night last night.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  I'm busy.

• 58:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, this guy.

• 58:17Speaker 03

  I can do, I can just about do television if I've got a jigsaw. I was gonna say, who am I? But I did have a jigsaw, I put a jigsaw out at Christmas and the cat shat it and

• 58:28Speaker 02

  What?

• 58:28Speaker 03

  They treated it like a litter box. And then I didn't know, was it like in, there wasn't that film with Richard Dreyfuss, that one that Spielberg made ages ago?

• 58:38Speaker 02

  Oh, Close Encounters of the Fur Time?

• 58:39Speaker 03

  Close Encounters of the Fur Time. Why that's coming up in my head, but they, the jigsaw had turned into these sort of pyramids.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, like he skulls with a mashed potato.

• 58:49Speaker 03

  And I thought that, well, he's really done something there with that jigsaw, but I'm really scared to

• 58:54Speaker 02

  Done a shit in it.

• 58:55Speaker 03

  To touch those pyramids, yeah, it was bad, it was bad what he'd done. So I don't know, you have to do jigsaws very quick at my house, all that will happen.

• 59:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. What if you looked at the shit and you realised that when he like, put it all together in that pyramid, he's actually done the jigsaw?

• 59:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:11Speaker 03

  That would be really wonderful.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  He's actually put all the pieces together and made it a 3D little jigsaw.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was amazing, but he did, yeah, he did create a landscape from it.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. That is pretty bad that that happened.

• 59:24Speaker 03

  It's really bad.

• 59:25Speaker 02

  What was the picture?

• 59:26Speaker 03

  The jigsaw was Moomins.

• 59:29Speaker 02

  The, the Finnish cartoon?

• 59:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, the Finnish cartoon.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  I love that, don't know why, I think whatever it was specifically would have made me laugh, but Moomins particularly.

• 59:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's funny, funny that, do you like the Moomins?

• 59:41Speaker 03

  I didn't like them well enough, yeah. My son's girlfriend is Finnish and that's why that was there, because I'd bought it for her for Christmas, because she's Finnish. Oh, dear me, oh dear me.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  That's such a, that's such a mum choice.

• 59:56Speaker 03

  It's a mum choice, isn't it?

• 59:58Speaker 02

  You're Finnish, this is the Moomins.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  Well, they did have a T-shirt with Moomins on it when they came back from Finland, so, you know, they'd opened the door.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  They're very, they are very proud of the Moomins in Finland, from what I can work out, so I think it's a fair enough, it's a fair enough gift.

• 1:00:10Speaker 03

  Good.

• 1:00:11Speaker 02

  I've been, I've spent all of one day in Finland and I was given a Moomins mug by someone as a gift, so.

• 1:00:17Speaker 01

  They, yeah.

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  It's okay then.

• 1:00:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:19Speaker 03

  All right, good.

• 1:00:20Speaker 01

  They know, it's their royal family, the Moomins.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:22Speaker 03

  My cat doesn't know that.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is, they sweep all the, you know, all the bad stuff about the Moomins under the rug and try and, try and ignore it. You know, one of the Moomins swears it can't sweat.

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:35Speaker 01

  One of the moments had the other one killed in a car crash.

• 1:00:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's a, that was a grisly episode.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Grisly. I actually don't realise, I don't know anything about the moments. They could, are they talking?

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. One of them doesn't stop talking to the press about how him and his wife have been treated and everyone's like, shut up.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  They got a Spotify deal.

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're like, shut up, guys. If you don't like the limelight so much, why don't you just shut up? That's what people say to them. It's not fair.

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  Your dream drink is?

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  Is the wine.

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  Is the, is all the booze.

• 1:01:07Speaker 02

  The wine. What kind of wine is it?

• 1:01:09Speaker 03

  All the booze. It's another horrible, it's like broccoli rabe. It's a hard one to say without sounding like a tosser. Pui fumay?

• 1:01:16Speaker 01

  Pui fumay.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  It's the pui. Pui.

• 1:01:19Speaker 02

  Pui.

• 1:01:19Speaker 03

  Pui.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  Pui fumay.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  Pui fumay.

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  That's what you call a gin sore after your cat got to it.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  That works. That does work.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, pui fumay.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  Oh, Christ.

• 1:01:30Speaker 01

  Hello?

• 1:01:32Speaker 03

  It's really something, but terrible ingredients. I'm so, okay.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  We'll throw in a spicy margarita as well.

• 1:01:40Speaker 03

  Yes, please. I want a chili margarita.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  A chili margarita.

• 1:01:42Speaker 03

  Fresh chilies in it.

• 1:01:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  Beautiful.

• 1:01:45Speaker 03

  And coriander in it, too.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, nice.

• 1:01:47Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 1:01:48Speaker 01

  And also a pint of lager with your, uh, bag of crisps from the Dirty Duck.

• 1:01:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:01:52Speaker 01

  Bag of poppy on crisps.

• 1:01:53Speaker 03

  And espresso martini. I mean, there are so many good drinks.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, there are.

• 1:01:58Speaker 02

  So what, the more drinks you list, the more impressive it is that you haven't drunk for three years. It's very impressive.

• 1:02:03Speaker 03

  There are so many lovely ones.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:05Speaker 03

  I know. I have zero beer now. I have zero beer after the show because it sort of helps a little bit.

• 1:02:11Speaker 02

  Is there a good one? Have you found a good one yet?

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  What's your favourite?

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  Heineken one's good. And, and lucky saints are right as well.

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  Everyone says the Heineken one's the best.

• 1:02:18Speaker 03

  Yes. If it's really cold and someone's put it in a glass and you sip it, you can sometimes go, oh, God, was that real?

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. You just have to wipe your mouth then.

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  You sounded like worried as well. You sort of went, oh, God, is that real?

• 1:02:29Speaker 03

  Well, I would be worried.

• 1:02:29Speaker 01

  So you want to trick yourself. Yeah.

• 1:02:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, I've broken it.

• 1:02:33Speaker 01

  Do you have nightmares about breaking your three year stint?

• 1:02:36Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:37Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. I'd actually killed someone. I woke up and I killed someone. I was like, this is so much work to cover this up or to. And then, and then it was because I was drunk and I'd let it happen or I'd deliberately done it. Yeah. And that's such a joy to wake up from that and go, oh, I don't have to.

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  It's the best.

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  Just to be clear, your main worry when you'd killed someone was that it would be a lot of work to cover it up.

• 1:03:03Speaker 03

  Big trouble.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  And that you'd broken your three year stint.

• 1:03:06Speaker 02

  It wasn't, oh my fucking god, I've killed someone.

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  Well, the person that I'd killed was dangerous.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  Who was it?

• 1:03:18Speaker 03

  A dangerous person. I can't tell, I can't remember who it was, but they were malevolent and it had to be done.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:25Speaker 03

  But not everyone knew how malevolent they were and it was a big story, kind of a big thing.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  And you were drunk.

• 1:03:31Speaker 03

  These are the traces I have of it in my mind. I've been trying to remember my dreams more since David Lynch died. Um, because the thread is he was into transcendental meditation and all of that. So I had a little bit of a go at that.

• 1:03:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  And there's a, there's another region where it gets a little bit dreamy and you can start to actually tap into remember. And I have been remembering my dreams a lot more since then.

• 1:03:55Speaker 01

  That's pretty cool.

• 1:03:56Speaker 03

  And I did some meditating on the way here and the taxi driver had the radio on and it was so noisy and irritating and infiltrating that I put my headphones in and put some strong Tibetan music humming sonorous notes in. I came in here and it was still going in my pocket and James said, what's, what's playing on your phone? There we go.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  And Nina didn't want to tell me.

• 1:04:23Speaker 03

  I didn't want to divulge.

• 1:04:24Speaker 02

  No, I don't. And I was like.

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  What's that on your phone? No.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  And I don't, I don't want to divulge. I've been transcendental meditating yet. I'm too new to it. And it sounds too weird, but it's David Lynch's fault. I've been on a deep David Lynch dying for the last couple of weeks.

• 1:04:42Speaker 02

  Have you done the paid bit at the beginning?

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  Uh, no, I did the introductory course. And actually, the woman was like twenty minutes late and and not very apologetic. And then she went up to the desk and said, has there been a delivery for me? And is the is the photocopy working? Is the fax working or can I? And I thought, this is not, this doesn't bode well.

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  That's a test.

• 1:05:04Speaker 03

  For reaching enlightenment.

• 1:05:06Speaker 01

  You've got to be mindful throughout all of that.

• 1:05:08Speaker 03

  I know, I did think she's, obviously, she's very chill. She's not in any rush.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  Your favourite David David Lynch uh film before we?

• 1:05:17Speaker 03

  Eraserhead is amazing.

• 1:05:18Speaker 02

  That's one.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  I love that one. The puppet in that is amazing. Have you seen that? Ducky, ducky. I'm acid.

• 1:05:30Speaker 02

  We arrive at your dream dessert.

• 1:05:32Speaker 03

  Yes, I'll lower the tone here. I was just thinking what would be fun. And I, we, back in the nineteen eighties, when sugar was just, I don't know. Everyone having it was a great, fine thing to have. A pile of sugar on a Weetabix. So it's like a snowy mountain with the milk on it. That'd be dessert.

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  Amazing.

• 1:05:54Speaker 02

  That's fair enough. I I love, I love stuff. I mean, I I I used to do that as well. That's very nostalgia.

• 1:05:59Speaker 01

  A pile of sugar?

• 1:06:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. I used to go.

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, it has to be a heap so you can see it. Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  Bananas as well.

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  No, that's nowadays. Nowadays, I'm a, I'm a goddamn grown up and I put, slice up some bananas on my Weetabix. But back then, I was just heaping on that sugar.

• 1:06:17Speaker 01

  Is it something you actually do now, but you know your dentist is listening?

• 1:06:21Speaker 02

  Please.

• 1:06:23Speaker 01

  How high is this pile of sugar? I wanna.

• 1:06:25Speaker 03

  I think it's about as high as, you know, your thumb, that kind of height. It's like a.

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:30Speaker 02

  Well, okay.

• 1:06:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  I didn't do that.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:32Speaker 02

  But like that, that's, that's impressive.

• 1:06:34Speaker 01

  As high as my thumb or James's thumb? Because James got a really long thumb.

• 1:06:37Speaker 03

  No, not up the way, across the way. You lie your thumb laterally along the Weetabix.

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  Oh, just the, so actually, not as long as your thumb, as wide as your thumb.

• 1:06:47Speaker 03

  When you add the milk, it's gonna pour away. So maybe a little bit more so it ends up about this.

• 1:06:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I can relate to that.

• 1:06:53Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:54Speaker 03

  And what, yeah, this is, it's funny. I've been measuring things. My metrics are weird today. Pistachio nut tree.

• 1:07:01Speaker 02

  You're mainly measuring stuff by like bits of our body.

• 1:07:04Speaker 03

  What we have.

• 1:07:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at us and going.

• 1:07:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  So how many Weetabix?

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  I'm one, actually.

• 1:07:10Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  Fancy. What, are we, are we in a Michelin starred restaurant?

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  I'll tell you why, because my bowl is a little bit small in this dream. And there isn't room for two lying flat. One would be upright and you wouldn't get the sugar even.

• 1:07:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:26Speaker 03

  So we've got to have just one. But you could have another one afterwards.

• 1:07:29Speaker 02

  So you want the sugar on the flat side?

• 1:07:31Speaker 03

  Sorry?

• 1:07:32Speaker 02

  You want the sugar on the flat side?

• 1:07:33Speaker 03

  I want it flat.

• 1:07:34Speaker 02

  I used to line them up for, you know, like on like, you know, whatever.

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  Like toasts in the toaster.

• 1:07:39Speaker 02

  Like toasts in the toaster. I'd get about four and then I'd put the sugar on top of those.

• 1:07:43Speaker 01

  On the side.

• 1:07:44Speaker 03

  On the side.

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  On the sides of them.

• 1:07:46Speaker 02

  On the, huh? Yeah, on the sides of them.

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:48Speaker 02

  Which are all lined up to make one surface now.

• 1:07:51Speaker 01

  But then you'd, you're only getting the sugar on a little bit, right? So you're not.

• 1:07:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:54Speaker 01

  I agree, I agree with Nina that you, you need to get as much surface area of the sugar as possible, right? So it would be the flat side.

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  I mean, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm learning it. We're all learning.

• 1:08:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:08:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. You know, but I've never done it, done it like that.

• 1:08:07Speaker 01

  I like that in your dream, the, the bowl is small and you're not willing to change that.

• 1:08:11Speaker 03

  So I'm sorry, that's how it comes. Yeah. That's how it comes. Otherwise it's a white bowl, two, a two Weetabix. Why bowl is one of those kind of, ah, some kind of bowl.

• 1:08:21Speaker 02

  Like a lasagna dish.

• 1:08:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, we're getting into that.

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  Hmm. We don't want to get into that.

• 1:08:25Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:08:26Speaker 02

  Much milk in there?

• 1:08:28Speaker 03

  Much milk?

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

  Much milk?

• 1:08:32Speaker 03

  Enough milk, yeah. There'll be a little bit, uh, what body part will this do? And here's, Sidon is worth a milk in the bottom of the.

• 1:08:42Speaker 01

  Mine or James', I've got quite small ears.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's got a little.

• 1:08:45Speaker 01

  But I guess they're the same thickness, aren't they?

• 1:08:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, same, same thickness. That's why yours looks so weird.

• 1:08:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:54Speaker 03

  Such gross metrics. I'm sorry.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  What sort of milk?

• 1:08:57Speaker 03

  What sort of milk?

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:58Speaker 03

  I think it'll be whole. I've gone oat recently, but it's got to be whole milk for that.

• 1:09:03Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:09:04Speaker 03

  But in the eighties.

• 1:09:05Speaker 01

  Well, you're already shit faced. You may as well have whole milk at this point, right?

• 1:09:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:09:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:09Speaker 02

  Got your espresso martini with this?

• 1:09:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:11Speaker 03

  What's the milkiest, um, cocktail there is? Oh, it could be a pina colada.

• 1:09:16Speaker 02

  White Russian.

• 1:09:16Speaker 03

  White Russian. Mad slide.

• 1:09:18Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:09:19Speaker 03

  Mad slide Weetabix.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  Mudslide Wheatypix sounds amazing.

• 1:09:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was my best friend at school. That little kid called Mudslide Wheatypix.

• 1:09:28Speaker 01

  Don't ask how I got that name.

• 1:09:30Speaker 02

  I just say that jigsaw will never go in the cupboard.

• 1:09:34Speaker 02

  Was it he got involved? That sounds great. I really like this. You're not warming it up in the microwave. Some people warm up their Wheatypix in the microwave. I think that's sacrilegious.

• 1:09:43Speaker 03

  No, I think that's sacrilegious. It would have to be cold milk. Yeah. The Frosty for the snow theme. Is this no cap mountain this Wheatypix?

• 1:09:52Speaker 02

  Is this your favourite cereal as well? Is this the king of cereals Wheatypix?

• 1:09:55Speaker 03

  No, I think I would go for a Sugar Puff or a Frosty if I'm allowed. I don't have it these days. This is like just a kid's.

• 1:10:04Speaker 01

  It's like nostalgia thing, right?

• 1:10:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. I have a very mature porridge, you know, it's made with water and salt.

• 1:10:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:11Speaker 03

  And the weird way my dad always ate it was with a separate bowl for the milk and then you've got the salt porridge water in one bowl. And you take the hot porridge and you dip that into the cold milk.

• 1:10:23Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  So that the milk's still cold around the spoon and then you got hot and cold in your mouth at the same time. You would never pour the milk on the porridge.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:10:31Speaker 01

  I like this. So the milk's always cold.

• 1:10:32Speaker 03

  It's always really cold. The porridge is hot.

• 1:10:34Speaker 01

  That's a good system.

• 1:10:36Speaker 02

  And it's still like all mushed up porridge. It's not like.

• 1:10:40Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 1:10:40Speaker 02

  Just trying to, just trying to think about what the porridge looks like.

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  It looks like porridge.

• 1:10:44Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, it's, it's actually on the kind of watery side.

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:10:48Speaker 03

  And it's in a bowl far away from you because you have to start with that, then the milk. So the milk doesn't have long to travel to the mouth. You see what I mean?

• 1:10:56Speaker 01

  Oh, so the porridge is furthest away. It comes on a journey.

• 1:10:59Speaker 03

  Into the cold milk, into the mouth. Quick, because you've got to keep those temperatures separate.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 1:11:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, very specific.

• 1:11:06Speaker 02

  Lined up like that.

• 1:11:07Speaker 03

  That's unusual, isn't it?

• 1:11:09Speaker 02

  What's he doing this every morning?

• 1:11:10Speaker 03

  It's unusual. There are things that he does that, yeah, now I realise are unusual. There's also the way he makes toast is he then flaps it like with long arms, like he's bringing a plane in. And that's because you have to cool it down or the butter will melt. Onto the toast.

• 1:11:26Speaker 02

  He doesn't want the butter to smell.

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  No, no, they're very, very specific temperatures. But I've inherited these things now, because I think that's how it's done, you know.

• 1:11:35Speaker 02

  So you do that with the toast?

• 1:11:36Speaker 03

  I do, I flap my toast about.

• 1:11:38Speaker 02

  When was the first time you realised that toast flapping wasn't normal?

• 1:11:41Speaker 03

  I did think I just one day looked at him and thought, that's, you look like you're flying and that's really unusual.

• 1:11:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:49Speaker 03

  I don't know, maybe I was about thirty five.

• 1:11:52Speaker 02

  Okay, I'm gonna read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. You would like sparkling water, painfully sparkling water. You would like a packet of poppin' on crisps from the Dirty Duck Pub with a pint of lager. Start, you want a pistachio nut tree. Main course, your dad's spaghetti pomodora, side dish of broccoli wrap from De Paolo's in New York. For drink, you would like, uh, hmm, now I knew as we were saying this earlier, you're not gonna remember how to say this, James. Preeely, pooley?

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  You know how to say the L's, man.

• 1:12:25Speaker 02

  Pree?

• 1:12:26Speaker 01

  Think of the jigsaw.

• 1:12:26Speaker 02

  Pree, if you may.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  Think of the jigsaw.

• 1:12:28Speaker 02

  White wine. You also want a chili margarita at some point and an espresso martini at some point. Dessert, a pile of sugar on a single flat Weetabix with an ear's thickness of milk. And maybe a mudslide on the side.

• 1:12:44Speaker 01

  Beautiful. I love it, that was a delicious menu.

• 1:12:47Speaker 03

  Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it. I, uh.

• 1:12:50Speaker 02

  I think it's, I think it's very nice.

• 1:12:52Speaker 03

  Great.

• 1:12:52Speaker 01

  I want some spaghetti pomodora now.

• 1:12:54Speaker 02

  I want some Weetabix.

• 1:12:56Speaker 03

  Spaghetti's great without anything on it, spaghetti's great.

• 1:13:00Speaker 02

  Even like, just hard spaghetti, would you eat that?

• 1:13:03Speaker 03

  I would, I'd, I'd give it a go.

• 1:13:06Speaker 01

  You can do that.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, there's some people who do it.

• 1:13:08Speaker 01

  I put one in my ear once.

• 1:13:10Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:13:10Speaker 03

  Oh, no!

• 1:13:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:11Speaker 02

  A hard one?

• 1:13:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, touched my own brain.

• 1:13:14Speaker 03

  Ah!

• 1:13:15Speaker 02

  He didn't touch his own brain.

• 1:13:16Speaker 01

  I swear down, I touched my brain.

• 1:13:17Speaker 02

  He didn't touch your own brain with it.

• 1:13:18Speaker 01

  I swear down.

• 1:13:19Speaker 03

  I planted seeds up my nose when I was a kid.

• 1:13:22Speaker 01

  You planted seeds up your nose.

• 1:13:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it was such a bad idea, it was too, and then couldn't get them out and then it just, like, thank God they didn't grow, because they might have. That might be the right environment for them.

• 1:13:32Speaker 02

  Pistachio nut tree?

• 1:13:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:34Speaker 02

  You were trying to grow seeds, that was the aim.

• 1:13:36Speaker 03

  What was the aim? It was very, I hadn't thought it through.

• 1:13:39Speaker 02

  But you stuffed them up there, wanting to.

• 1:13:42Speaker 03

  I thought, well, that might grow up there.

• 1:13:44Speaker 02

  Can you remember what they were? What you were growing?

• 1:13:46Speaker 03

  They were tiny and I think they came out of a poppy.

• 1:13:49Speaker 02

  Poppy seeds.

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:13:50Speaker 02

  Imagine if that, on Remembrance Sunday, just pulled a poppy out your nose.

• 1:13:56Speaker 01

  That would be the new standard then.

• 1:13:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:58Speaker 01

  Every year, people are going, why aren't you growing a poppy out your nose?

• 1:14:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, if you don't pull the poppy out your nose, you don't care about the fall then.

• 1:14:06Speaker 01

  Nina, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

• 1:14:08Speaker 03

  Thanks for having me, thank you.

• 1:14:14Speaker 01

  There we are, James. What a great menu.

• 1:14:17Speaker 02

  I love the menu.

• 1:14:17Speaker 01

  I love the tree.

• 1:14:18Speaker 02

  I really want to try those pistachios now. It sounds like another world, a completely different thing. Huh?

• 1:14:24Speaker 01

  Try the tree.

• 1:14:25Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna try the tree. What, take a bite out of the tree?

• 1:14:28Speaker 01

  Well, you take, no, you take the nut of the tree, right?

• 1:14:30Speaker 02

  You take the nut off the tree, put the nut in your mouth.

• 1:14:34Speaker 01

  Talking of nuts.

• 1:14:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:36Speaker 01

  They weren't monkey nuts, luckily.

• 1:14:38Speaker 02

  We were skating on thin ice there.

• 1:14:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were.

• 1:14:40Speaker 02

  But they weren't monkey nuts, so it's okay.

• 1:14:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:14:43Speaker 02

  We didn't kick Nina out of the restaurant, but like, but yeah, there were some pistachio nuts in early doors.

• 1:14:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:14:49Speaker 02

  That could have been out during the starter.

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  Which I wouldn't have liked that.

• 1:14:52Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have felt good about it.

• 1:14:53Speaker 01

  Although then we could have switched out, Monkey could have come on.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  Do you know what we could have done?

• 1:14:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:58Speaker 02

  Like, there's nothing that says we can't do that.

• 1:15:00Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:15:00Speaker 02

  The plate, oh, that would have been good. I really wish we'd kicked it out now.

• 1:15:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, too late.

• 1:15:04Speaker 02

  That would have been funny. But it was funny as it was, let's face it. I had a good time.

• 1:15:08Speaker 01

  Very, very good episode. Go and see Nina on tour, whose face is it anyway?

• 1:15:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:12Speaker 01

  It's been extended into the autumn. Go and check out the dates at ninaontour.com and get yourself a ticket for shows near you.

• 1:15:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, for shows near you. Ed, do you have anything to say? I know, I know that it's been a tough week, but it, but it has been fucking up, it's been fucking up all week.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  Fucked up a lot this week.

• 1:15:29Speaker 02

  It was a real shame.

• 1:15:30Speaker 01

  He was supposed to send us Sunlight, the film.

• 1:15:33Speaker 02

  To watch.

• 1:15:33Speaker 01

  That Nina, Nina's made, he fucked that up. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again next time. Bye-bye.

• 1:15:55Speaker 00

  I'm Jake Stauk, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work, and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag-and-drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked, and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company. This is a new way to run IT.

• 1:16:37Speaker 00

  We guarantee you'll automate 50% of all tickets, and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com/tickets. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash tickets.

• 1:16:53Speaker 04

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 1:16:58Speaker 05

  Love the crown molding.

• 1:17:00Speaker 04

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 1:17:04Speaker 05

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet?

• 1:17:07Speaker 04

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 1:17:11Speaker 05

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 1:17:14Speaker 04

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 1:17:17Speaker 06

  Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.