Mawaan Rizwan

Mawaan Rizwan – ‘Taskmaster’ runner-runner-up and Bafta-winning star and creator of BBC Three’s ‘Juice’ – is this week’s diner, and he has an easy-to-follow recipe for English food. Trigger warning: this episode contains talk about calories. Series 2 of ‘Juice’ is on BBC Three and iPlayer from 18 September. Watch it (and catch up with series 1) here https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p0gbkx4m/juice. Follow Mawaan on Instagram @mawaanr https://www.instagram.com/mawaanr and TikTok @mawaan https://www.tiktok.com/@mawaan Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Fri 5 Sep. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

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  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. 12 celebrities, one don and cold hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where 12 celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to $250,000. Watch The Mob, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 3:18Speaker 05

  Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the spaghetti hoops of conversation, warming them in the pan of the internet and pouring over the hot buttered toast of friendship.

• 3:26Speaker 06

  It's spaghetti hoops on toast. That's a gamble, he's spaghetti hoops. Oh, I just realised what I've set up here. Oh, we've got a dog called Toast.

• 3:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, but then who are you?

• 3:36Speaker 06

  I'm James Acaster. At Skimmer, we own a drink restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is...

• 3:47Speaker 05

  Moan Rizwan. Amazing comedian, writer, performer.

• 3:52Speaker 06

  I'd say one of my favourite Taskmaster moment, or like ways of solving a task ever on Taskmaster is making the cow disappear.

• 4:00Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, very good.

• 4:01Speaker 06

  I think it's so good, simple, effective, clever and don't miss so much joy.

• 4:07Speaker 05

  But then also, he did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on Taskmaster. Maybe this should be the secret ingredient, actually.

• 4:13Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah?

• 4:13Speaker 05

  He tried to put helium in an egg.

• 4:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, let's, let's have that. The secret ingredient, which we have every week, which if the guest picks it, they'll be kicked out of the Dream Restaurant, is an egg filled with helium.

• 4:24Speaker 05

  Egg filled with helium.

• 4:25Speaker 06

  Absolutely. That's, that's great.

• 4:26Speaker 05

  Helium egg.

• 4:27Speaker 06

  Wow, that's, that's ambitious.

• 4:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:30Speaker 06

  Full respect.

• 4:32Speaker 06

  BAFTA winner, of course.

• 4:33Speaker 05

  BAFTA winner.

• 4:34Speaker 06

  Uh, Juice Series took.

• 4:35Speaker 05

  That's me.

• 4:36Speaker 06

  For.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  Like me?

• 4:37Speaker 06

  Yes, Ed won a BAFTA because, um.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Taskmaster Series nine won a BAFTA and I won Taskmaster Series nine.

• 4:43Speaker 06

  So Ed did win the whole BAFTA? Is that the whole thing's yours or you're a part of that?

• 4:48Speaker 05

  I think so. If you win the series, you win the awards that are given to that series.

• 4:52Speaker 06

  And of course, they're both heads.

• 4:53Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 4:54Speaker 06

  So like the, the, uh.

• 4:55Speaker 05

  Oh, that's a really good point.

• 4:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, right? So the, the Taskmaster is, is Greg's head, the, the trophy. And then the BAFTA is a, is a head as well.

• 5:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:02Speaker 06

  So that's funny.

• 5:02Speaker 05

  I'd never thought of it like that before.

• 5:04Speaker 06

  You could, you could put the BAFTA mask on top of the Taskmaster one and, and make Greg wear the BAFTA.

• 5:09Speaker 05

  Sent me the BAFTA actually, and it was a while ago. I guess Covid got in the way.

• 5:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, you should bring it up.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, I will.

• 5:15Speaker 06

  So you, so you get that. Uh, Moan, of course, won for Juice Series one.

• 5:19Speaker 05

  Yeah. And. Well, the whole team won for that, I think. The whole team on Juice.

• 5:23Speaker 06

  I thought Moan won for his performance.

• 5:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, but that's, you know, you can't credit the performance with just yourself, can you? So Moan shared his and I've, I've got one, a whole one.

• 5:34Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, sorry.

• 5:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:35Speaker 06

  Well done. Congratulations again.

• 5:36Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 5:37Speaker 06

  Uh, Juice Series two is coming soon.

• 5:40Speaker 05

  Very excited.

• 5:41Speaker 06

  Make sure you watch it. We are going to first hear what Moan would like for dinner.

• 5:45Speaker 05

  This is the off-menu menu of Moan Rizwan.

• 5:55Speaker 05

  Welcome, Moan, to the Dream Restaurant.

• 5:58Speaker 06

  Yes, yes. Welcome, Moan Rizwan, to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time.

• 6:03Speaker 07

  I'm ready. My body is ready.

• 6:05Speaker 05

  That's, I mean, no one's ever opened with my body is ready, but that's exactly how people should be opening the podcast.

• 6:11Speaker 06

  Is it appropriate for me to say your body looks ready?

• 6:13Speaker 07

  Thank you, man. Thank you. I've not eaten in a week.

• 6:17Speaker 05

  Is that what you say when you go into every restaurant? Do you tell the waiter, my body is ready?

• 6:21Speaker 07

  Ah, do you know what? From now on, yes, yeah. And by that, I mean, do you know when like, when you're like, spending money, you're going for a good meal?

• 6:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 07

  I honestly don't, I don't eat all day, man.

• 6:30Speaker 06

  Really?

• 6:31Speaker 07

  Yeah, and then it's extra tasty, do you know what I mean?

• 6:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole day, you're just put, do you, you know, have to actively resist eating food all day?

• 6:38Speaker 07

  I, I try, I snack, cause you know, no one's trying to die out here.

• 6:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:42Speaker 07

  But, you know, do you know what I mean?

• 6:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 6:44Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, but I just like, slightly like drip dry the nutrients.

• 6:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm not having like a big potato lunch, do you know what I mean?

• 6:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:52Speaker 06

  A big potato, what's a big potato lunch?

• 6:54Speaker 07

  You know, a big potato lunch.

• 6:57Speaker 07

  Guys, you guys don't know.

• 6:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:00Speaker 07

  No, you know, when you just have loads of potatoes and it fills you up.

• 7:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, I, I completely agree with you. I, I can't be too hungry when I go into a restaurant though.

• 7:07Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 05

  Because then I'm almost not enjoying the food, I'm just inhaling it.

• 7:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, exactly.

• 7:12Speaker 05

  And then I just want everything.

• 7:13Speaker 07

  Oh, you don't wanna be too hungry?

• 7:14Speaker 05

  I don't wanna be like so hungry that I'm eating that first course and barely even tasting it.

• 7:20Speaker 07

  Oh, got it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:21Speaker 05

  Cause my body's too ready.

• 7:22Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 06

  You don't want, don't want your body to be too ready?

• 7:25Speaker 07

  Yeah, you don't wanna be too.

• 7:26Speaker 05

  No, no, no, I wanna be, yeah, vaguely ready.

• 7:28Speaker 06

  So you don't wanna big potato lunch, but you will snack a little bit?

• 7:31Speaker 07

  No, well, I have a little potato lunch.

• 7:33Speaker 06

  Yeah?

• 7:33Speaker 07

  By that, I mean.

• 7:34Speaker 05

  New potatoes.

• 7:34Speaker 07

  Thin, thin potatoes, by that, I mean crisps, yes. Slice it really thin, fry it.

• 7:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:41Speaker 07

  I thi, I believe they call it crisps.

• 7:42Speaker 05

  Crisps, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 07

  It's a way of still, do you know what I mean? And crisps are like, are so like, with empty calories, isn't it?

• 7:48Speaker 06

  Mm, are they?

• 7:49Speaker 07

  Yeah, they're like, it's nothing food.

• 7:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, they don't fill you up.

• 7:52Speaker 07

  So they make you hungry, don't they?

• 7:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:54Speaker 06

  I didn't know they were empty calories crisps.

• 7:56Speaker 05

  I think so. Like, cause if you think about it, like, I don't, I don't think I've ever filled myself up on crisps.

• 8:01Speaker 07

  When I say empty calories, it's not like they don't have any calories.

• 8:04Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 8:05Speaker 07

  As in, uh.

• 8:06Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry, James, you don't understand the phrase, but I do.

• 8:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, I don't understand the phrase.

• 8:09Speaker 07

  If you don't have a big potato lunch, you ain't gonna know.

• 8:12Speaker 07

  As in, they basically give you no nutrients, but ca, they give you calories.

• 8:16Speaker 06

  Oh, okay, I see.

• 8:17Speaker 07

  It's the opposite of broccoli.

• 8:17Speaker 06

  I get what you mean.

• 8:18Speaker 05

  So like normal, like normal Coke.

• 8:20Speaker 06

  So I haven't really understood empty calories over the years, cause I, I just see that as a green light to just fill up.

• 8:25Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 06

  Just absolutely eat those things on, and I won't put on weight, but actually.

• 8:29Speaker 05

  Empty calories, not calorie empty.

• 8:31Speaker 06

  I get, I get.

• 8:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm so sorry, man.

• 8:33Speaker 06

  Oh, no.

• 8:34Speaker 07

  You need to rethink your whole nutrition plan.

• 8:37Speaker 06

  I will take nutrition tips off you. You're a healthy guy.

• 8:39Speaker 07

  Thank you, man. I try.

• 8:40Speaker 06

  Saw my one once cycling down the canal, didn't I?

• 8:44Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, I nearly fell in.

• 8:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 8:46Speaker 07

  I was on a Lime bike.

• 8:47Speaker 05

  I'm glad you knew that he saw you cycling down the canal, because this would be creepy as hell if you didn't see him.

• 8:51Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 8:52Speaker 06

  I kind of like at the last minute was like, hey, like double point right at him.

• 8:56Speaker 07

  It was creepy anyway. Do you know what I mean? Like jumping out of a bush in the canal. Well, you didn't jump out. What were you doing? Were you running?

• 9:02Speaker 06

  I was just walking to the opposite direction, saw you at the last minute, did a double point really over the top.

• 9:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 9:09Speaker 06

  This guy, without really knowing each other very well.

• 9:12Speaker 07

  Yeah, man, it was stressful. I'm not gonna lie, James. It was stressful. I love you, man. I love your face. But it was just, I was going so fast before I could say hello. I'm already past, do you know what I mean? And those, I hate those meets, because if we're both walking, at least we can be like, yeah.

• 9:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm slightly disappointed to hear that you're the sort of person who cycles by the canal really fast.

• 9:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, man, I take risks.

• 9:34Speaker 05

  I hate, I hate those people.

• 9:35Speaker 07

  I cycle every day. I nearly die. If there's a pram, I don't give a fuck. I take priority.

• 9:42Speaker 06

  Yeah. You jumping over the pram like Grand Theft Auto?

• 9:44Speaker 07

  I'll do whatever I need to do to get over the pram, do you know what I mean? Because I sort of also like, come on, man, it's London. Yeah. Why are you, if you have a baby, stay at home. We are late. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

• 9:58Speaker 05

  Are you ringing your bell at least, so the baby knows?

• 10:00Speaker 07

  Well, yes, but then some, some of these Lime bikes, the bells don't work. Oh, you're a Lime bike. Do you know what I mean?

• 10:07Speaker 05

  So Lime bikes are even quicker, right?

• 10:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 07

  And also when you start on them, they give you that little, you know, it's that video game when you go through a thing, that gives you an extra little acceleration.

• 10:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, straight into a pram.

• 10:16Speaker 07

  Starts. Yeah, straight.

• 10:20Speaker 06

  What if they start, they should start doing Lime prams?

• 10:22Speaker 05

  That's good.

• 10:23Speaker 06

  Uh, for, for, for people, so that it's, it's a level, level the playing field.

• 10:26Speaker 05

  Not a pram with loads of limes in it.

• 10:28Speaker 06

  Oh, I cannot emphasize enough, not a pram with loads of limes.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  James, because you didn't know what empty calories was, you do know a Lime bike isn't a bike made of limes, right?

• 10:36Speaker 06

  Do you know what? You guys carry on about me. I didn't, I didn't know that it was that. I think they should have those prams, so parents would just be, okay, I haven't got time to get the pram out. I'll get a line pram when I'm out, but they'd have to give a little accelerator at the start.

• 10:51Speaker 07

  Electric prams, but they'd have to be attached to the pram because if it accelerates without them, their baby's off.

• 10:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:56Speaker 07

  They're not.

• 10:57Speaker 06

  Well, maybe that's even better.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  Platform on the back for the, yeah, yeah.

• 11:00Speaker 06

  In the future, I bet you can just program into the electric pram where you're going. It just goes off of your baby, and you meet it there.

• 11:07Speaker 07

  I actually would not like that level playing field because I like the power. Do you know what I mean? I'm like powerless to like lorries and trucks. Where can I, you know, the oppressor got to oppress.

• 11:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 07

  And prams are the only ones I can take it out.

• 11:21Speaker 06

  Yeah. Blow you on the food chain there.

• 11:23Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 11:24Speaker 05

  The only thing below cyclists.

• 11:26Speaker 06

  Let's talk about Juice, season two. But do you say season two in this country or series two?

• 11:31Speaker 05

  It's series, I think.

• 11:33Speaker 06

  It is series two, but then I get confused because we talk about the whole thing as a series. Like, we can slag off the Americans all we want for the use of language, but actually, when we're calling the entire thing a series, and then we're breaking it up into individual series, we are the stupid ones.

• 11:49Speaker 05

  No, it's a show and a series. Stop trying to get work in America, man.

• 11:53Speaker 06

  Please, any Americans listening. I could do accents.

• 11:59Speaker 06

  Mo, let's talk about Juice season two. What can the listeners be excited about? Because the first one, you won a BAFTA, it's no small thing.

• 12:07Speaker 07

  No, I know, that's horrible, isn't it?

• 12:08Speaker 05

  Is this worst case scenario, you won a BAFTA for, for series?

• 12:11Speaker 07

  It's terrible, man. It's just ruined my life.

• 12:15Speaker 05

  You got it.

• 12:16Speaker 07

  Well, just that like, let me just make a show and then don't compare it to anything and then don't tell me it's good.

• 12:22Speaker 05

  And don't watch it.

• 12:23Speaker 07

  And don't watch it, like, leave me alone. Let me make my show in a cave and then just like, you know, clock on, clock off, and go home and make a meal and be happy.

• 12:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 07

  No, but like, basically, I'm trying not to think about that a lot. I'm just trying to write the show I want to write, you know? It's funny because when you make the first one, no, no one cares. And then you make, and then when they care and then, and then it's harder. But what I'm really enjoying about it is a bit of a horror theme emerging. It's, it's more surreal. It's taken a whole different stylistic avenue.

• 12:55Speaker 06

  Nice.

• 12:56Speaker 07

  Which, you know, people were like, wow, this show is so weird. And I was like, this is me wearing it down.

• 13:03Speaker 07

  They give me a series two. So we're having a lot of fun with it, man. Yeah, I'm really, I'm really excited.

• 13:09Speaker 05

  Great. And will any juice be appearing on your menu today? Are you a juice guy?

• 13:14Speaker 07

  I hate juice. I hate.

• 13:16Speaker 05

  That's gonna be.

• 13:17Speaker 07

  Let me just say that for the record.

• 13:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:19Speaker 06

  That's gonna be the clickbait out there now.

• 13:21Speaker 07

  I also hate mango chutney. I've got a song about mango chutney.

• 13:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:25Speaker 07

  I hate.

• 13:25Speaker 05

  You've got a song about, it's mangoes in general, right?

• 13:27Speaker 07

  Yeah, I love mangoes.

• 13:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:29Speaker 07

  But I don't have a mango chutney. That's not mango. It's just like sugar, innit?

• 13:33Speaker 05

  I completely agree with you.

• 13:34Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean?

• 13:34Speaker 05

  I don't like mango chutney either. Yeah, yeah. I can't taste any mango in that.

• 13:37Speaker 07

  No.

• 13:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:38Speaker 07

  Most mango flavoured things don't taste of mango.

• 13:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:41Speaker 07

  Mango shaojiu is apple. Smell it. Smell any mango shaojiu and close your eyes.

• 13:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 07

  It's apple. Apple with a bit of pineapple.

• 13:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:48Speaker 07

  It's not mango, man.

• 13:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:50Speaker 07

  They're conning us.

• 13:51Speaker 05

  Mango vape.

• 13:52Speaker 07

  There's a mango vape?

• 13:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 07

  It's disgusting.

• 13:54Speaker 05

  Triple mango.

• 13:56Speaker 07

  Triple?

• 13:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:57Speaker 07

  Triple mango. So does it say the types?

• 13:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, because they, they release a triple mango and you're like, I don't even remember you releasing a double mango.

• 14:04Speaker 07

  No.

• 14:04Speaker 05

  So how's this triple mango?

• 14:05Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 14:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:06Speaker 07

  Well, not the first two prequels, but like they take something that doesn't taste like mango and then times it by three. That makes it worse.

• 14:15Speaker 07

  That's not triple mango. That's triple pineapple and apple.

• 14:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:18Speaker 07

  It's an atrocity, man.

• 14:21Speaker 05

  So for you, when you enjoy mango, it's just pure mango?

• 14:25Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah. I'm talking Pakistani mango or Jamaican mango. I'm not, you know, I don't, I don't.

• 14:30Speaker 05

  I've never heard anyone shout out the Jamaican mango before.

• 14:33Speaker 07

  Jamaican mango, Jamaican, Jamaican and Pakistani mangoes are the best.

• 14:36Speaker 05

  I know Pakistani mangoes, like people are absolutely obsessed with.

• 14:39Speaker 07

  Say, if it was in that other room, we could smell it from here.

• 14:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:42Speaker 06

  And which types of mango is that?

• 14:44Speaker 07

  I don't know the name. I just call it.

• 14:45Speaker 06

  What's the Alfonso one? That's the one I hear the most, man, I love.

• 14:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, that might be Indian mango.

• 14:50Speaker 07

  It's not new.

• 14:51Speaker 05

  Maybe.

• 14:52Speaker 06

  A new mango? Are you crazy?

• 14:53Speaker 07

  Hey, listen to what you're saying.

• 14:54Speaker 05

  When mango season, it's Indian mango.

• 14:56Speaker 07

  Indian.

• 14:57Speaker 05

  When, um.

• 14:57Speaker 07

  Oh, is it?

• 14:58Speaker 05

  When mango season comes around, near where I live is like every shop turns into a mango shop.

• 15:03Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 15:04Speaker 05

  And they're all in individual boxes. The mangoes just look so nice. They're just all in like.

• 15:08Speaker 07

  They have a gold tinsel on it.

• 15:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 07

  It's like random, one with a tinsel on each of them. Do you know the labour that goes into putting a tiny bit of tinsel on every mango? I don't know the mango mangoes have tinsel on them. Oh yeah, it's an Asian thing. Like if you get it from like an Asian store, you get a box. Yeah. And they all have like the label with the like brand on it, you know, the little sticky fruit label. But then like with the label, there's a bit of like gold tinsel. I love that.

• 15:33Speaker 05

  Mangoes are huge, man.

• 15:34Speaker 07

  I know mangoes are huge. I just didn't know they get tinsel on them. Like I, I, I thought only Christmas trees. Have tinsel on them, but mangoes as well.

• 15:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, all year round, mate.

• 15:43Speaker 07

  Yeah, you ain't lived, man. I don't think I have.

• 15:48Speaker 07

  I didn't know. I, I co-host a food podcast. I didn't know that mangoes have tinsel on them. What else would you put tinsel in if you wanted to like up the sales figures? Triple mango vape, obviously, yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean? If you really want to convince me it's mango.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, tinsel.

• 16:02Speaker 07

  Tinsel on it. Yeah, man.

• 16:04Speaker 05

  The shower gel as well should have it on.

• 16:06Speaker 07

  Shower gel, just stick it on. Yeah.

• 16:09Speaker 07

  Get festive, man.

• 16:10Speaker 05

  I think tinsel's really dropped off in the last decade. I think way less people have tinsel on their Christmas trees now.

• 16:16Speaker 07

  Yeah, what's that about?

• 16:17Speaker 05

  People think it's tacky now.

• 16:18Speaker 07

  Yeah, but do you think it'll come full circle like flares?

• 16:22Speaker 05

  I think, I think it will. I think it'll be back like flares, yeah.

• 16:24Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm wearing flares.

• 16:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, they're great. Very well dressed.

• 16:28Speaker 07

  Maybe I'll start, I'll put tinsel on my Christmas. I don't even do Christmas trees, but I'll do it for.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:33Speaker 07

  Tinsel.

• 16:34Speaker 05

  Or just get a massive mango and put it in your front room.

• 16:36Speaker 07

  Yeah. Yeah, tinsel it up. Mangoes as baubles.

• 16:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:40Speaker 07

  Nah, that. Nah, we're talking. That'd be very on brand for me, yeah.

• 16:46Speaker 07

  We always start with still or sparkling water, Mo. Do you have a preference? Still, man. Come on now. Yeah. Come on. Sparkling water, man, is chaos.

• 16:56Speaker 07

  How is it chaos? It's two different, a gas and a water should not fuse. They're two different elements. Is that the word? Elements? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Look, we don't know. It was discovered by accident, innit? Was it? Sparkling water? Yeah. Yeah, it was like some guy like put a bowl of water above a vat of beer in a brewery. Right. And he, I don't know the full details, the guy's not a scientist, but.

• 17:22Speaker 05

  You know, I knew you didn't know the full details as soon as you started telling us this. Because it started with the phrase some guy.

• 17:28Speaker 07

  Some in Leeds.

• 17:31Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 17:32Speaker 07

  Water's invented in Leeds. Yeah, how about that? Yeah, but I don't like, don't ask me like, I don't know, like periodic table kind of detail. But I know there was a bowl, there was water and it was above some distillery thing.

• 17:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:45Speaker 07

  So he, he, what was it? It was like nitri- no, no nitrogen, carbon dioxide. It's carbon dioxide.

• 17:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think it's carbon dioxide, yeah.

• 17:51Speaker 07

  Shit, I'm really clever.

• 17:54Speaker 07

  I guess I'm a genius. Yeah, and, and, but why? Also, you're putting gas in your body. That's got to make you gassier.

• 18:01Speaker 05

  Do you not like being gassy?

• 18:02Speaker 07

  No.

• 18:03Speaker 05

  I love, I love being gassy sometimes.

• 18:06Speaker 07

  You love it?

• 18:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, if I have a fizzy drink, I love that. I love burps.

• 18:09Speaker 07

  I think if you're, if you're like burping a fart and it's like, great, get it out. It's a good feeling, right?

• 18:13Speaker 05

  Great.

• 18:14Speaker 07

  But if you're having something that's causing you gas, that I don't want to fuck with. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's like, I don't, I don't want to have like lentils that haven't been soaked properly.

• 18:22Speaker 05

  Right.

• 18:22Speaker 07

  Because it would just fuck me up for the day.

• 18:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, I agree with that. Anything out the back, I'm not into. A big burp, I love.

• 18:28Speaker 07

  Yeah, a big burp's great. So only lentils that aren't soaked properly give you the gas? Yeah, did you not know this? No, I didn't. Look, you're teaching me more than any guests has ever taught me.

• 18:36Speaker 05

  Oh my god.

• 18:36Speaker 07

  And we're not even at the start yet, so. You've got to circulate those girls. Yeah. You've got, and you've got to do it like all night.

• 18:44Speaker 05

  That's a T-shirt, by the way. Get that printed up.

• 18:45Speaker 07

  Circulate those girls. But you've got to do it all night and not too long because then they go poisonous. I know, I think that's kidney beans, isn't it?

• 18:54Speaker 07

  I used to live in a commune with like seven hippies and like, it was all about never canned food. It was always like soak shit. Like, yeah, and we used to get this big like bulk order from Suma, right? And you saw the like, side of my height, kind of like bag of lentils and rice and stuff. So it was all this like soaking malaki.

• 19:10Speaker 05

  What was the gas situation in the commune?

• 19:12Speaker 07

  Well, if someone didn't soak them properly, you'd get gassy.

• 19:15Speaker 05

  All, all of the hippies?

• 19:17Speaker 07

  Yeah, you could tell, like, it was like everyone like sinking periods. It was like, we knew when someone hadn't soaked the lentils properly. Because it was a gassy week.

• 19:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, no one like a match.

• 19:29Speaker 07

  No.

• 19:30Speaker 05

  Because this commune's going up.

• 19:31Speaker 07

  Yeah. Crack a window.

• 19:33Speaker 05

  Like Waco by the end of it.

• 19:34Speaker 07

  Where was this place?

• 19:36Speaker 05

  It's commune.

• 19:36Speaker 07

  In Shadwell.

• 19:37Speaker 05

  How long were you in it for?

• 19:38Speaker 07

  A couple of years. And it was, um, it was like an old, it was next to a chicken shop. And it was like a old shop that had been converted. So our living room had a shop front. So people would walk past thinking it was some kind of art installation. We were just in there living our lives. It was the first place I ever sort of lived with other people.

• 19:57Speaker 05

  Was it difficult to tear yourself away from the commune?

• 20:00Speaker 07

  When I say commune, yeah, I'm not talking wild, wild country.

• 20:03Speaker 05

  You mean a house share?

• 20:04Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 05

  I think wild, wild country killed people.

• 20:08Speaker 07

  It was a commune. I say commune because we did everything communally. And also there was, we used the door as a kitchen countertop. It was that kind of, do you know what I mean? Like we did, we, everything was built with like pallets and stuff.

• 20:21Speaker 05

  It was a shit house.

• 20:22Speaker 07

  It was.

• 20:23Speaker 05

  Is that what you mean? It was a shit house.

• 20:25Speaker 07

  Yes, we didn't kill anyone or start a religion.

• 20:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 07

  But we could have, cause the rent was so cheap.

• 20:32Speaker 06

  I think you're charismatic enough, you could convince some people to do that.

• 20:35Speaker 07

  Do you mean?

• 20:36Speaker 06

  How many people do you reckon you could convince to, I guess, kill people?

• 20:40Speaker 07

  Well, were you killing them for, do you know what I mean?

• 20:42Speaker 06

  Well, what were they doing in wild, wild country? It was just.

• 20:45Speaker 05

  Yoga, wasn't it?

• 20:47Speaker 07

  It was yoga.

• 20:48Speaker 06

  In the name of yoga?

• 20:49Speaker 07

  Yeah. You could meditate on it afterwards. Cause that's the thing about killing people, it's stressful, isn't it really?

• 20:57Speaker 06

  It must be. You've got to assume it's stressful.

• 20:59Speaker 07

  Spiritual practices that get the heart rate down.

• 21:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 07

  Yeah. Yeah, you know.

• 21:03Speaker 06

  I think even if you're into it, it's stressful. Just, just, just, just the laying low afterwards and stuff and not wanting to get caught, surely.

• 21:09Speaker 05

  I'd, I'd struggle to get to sleep, I reckon.

• 21:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 05

  After a day of killing people.

• 21:13Speaker 07

  I have nightmares of like, I'm hiding a body somewhere.

• 21:16Speaker 05

  Do you?

• 21:17Speaker 07

  And I've not even, I've not even done that.

• 21:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:19Speaker 07

  How about that?

• 21:19Speaker 06

  And have you looked at what that means? Cause that's gotta mean something.

• 21:22Speaker 07

  No.

• 21:22Speaker 06

  That you're worried about something else in life.

• 21:24Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 21:25Speaker 06

  Being, being found out.

• 21:26Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  I had an awful nightmare the other night.

• 21:29Speaker 06

  There we go.

• 21:29Speaker 05

  This is fresh. Michael Barrymore was sick on my back. He drank too much Pepsi Max and then he puked on my back in the street.

• 21:36Speaker 07

  That's so visceral.

• 21:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, but he wouldn't let go of my shoulder. So I knew he was gonna be sick, but I was trying to get away from him. He wouldn't let go of my shoulder and then he puked all down my back because he had too much Pepsi Max.

• 21:47Speaker 07

  I feel like this might have been a dream, but I can really see him doing that.

• 21:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:50Speaker 07

  It's kind of like the story someone would tell on Grave Norton. When I met Michael Barrymore.

• 21:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, and everyone would laugh, but it wouldn't age well.

• 21:59Speaker 07

  No.

• 21:59Speaker 06

  No, there were some of those Norton clips where you go back five years or 60 years. Were we all laughing about that? That is not funny. That's horrible.

• 22:06Speaker 07

  You gaslighted.

• 22:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're thinking of the same clip.

• 22:12Speaker 05

  He wasn't well, you know, he was feeling sick. It wasn't like.

• 22:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, sure.

• 22:16Speaker 05

  He wasn't taking any delight in that, but he was like holding on to me, I think, for some reassurance.

• 22:21Speaker 07

  And you turned your back on him and he just.

• 22:23Speaker 06

  I was trying to get away from him because I knew he was gonna be sick.

• 22:24Speaker 06

  You were walking down the street.

• 22:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:26Speaker 06

  And then you felt a hand on your shoulder. You turned around.

• 22:28Speaker 05

  Barrymore, empty bottle of Pepsi Max.

• 22:31Speaker 06

  So you know that's why he's being sick. And he's not letting go of your shoulders. He's like, well, I can't get away.

• 22:36Speaker 05

  So I'm trying to get away from him. And then, yeah, he's like sick all down my back. And then I woke up and told my wife what had happened.

• 22:42Speaker 06

  On the subject of, and you're telling your wife that is, that's, that's, you're playing with fire there because your wife has a phobia of people being sick.

• 22:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, I wonder whether that was something to do with it.

• 22:50Speaker 07

  Someone told me, yeah, this came from a therapist, not my therapist.

• 22:54Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 22:55Speaker 07

  It happened to be a therapist who said this.

• 22:56Speaker 06

  Your therapist got a shout out in your bath to speech?

• 22:58Speaker 07

  Yeah, he did. Generally true that week.

• 23:01Speaker 06

  Pleased with that? The therapist, not you?

• 23:04Speaker 07

  Okay, I don't know if this is a coincidence, yeah, but the next week he put his feet up, swear to God.

• 23:10Speaker 07

  I was like, has he seen it?

• 23:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, definitely.

• 23:14Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 23:14Speaker 06

  I'd say.

• 23:15Speaker 07

  Absolutely. And like I said, thank you to him.

• 23:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:18Speaker 06

  You didn't name drop him, did you?

• 23:18Speaker 07

  I don't owe him everything. Do you know what I mean?

• 23:21Speaker 06

  You did it in a funny way.

• 23:22Speaker 07

  I know, but also I didn't thank that many people. I came off and then like people were like, you didn't thank the production company, you didn't thank like anyone who worked on the show. And so then I don't want him taking all the credit for like my like me doing well kind of thing.

• 23:34Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 23:35Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 23:35Speaker 06

  I mean, he shouldn't be watching that anyway, surely, ethically. He shouldn't be watching the speech.

• 23:39Speaker 07

  Well, but then, you know, when you're doing public facing jobs, do you wonder like, you know, the people, I don't know, your therapist, your gynecologist, your confidential gang, yeah?

• 23:48Speaker 06

  For me, that's the same person.

• 23:49Speaker 07

  Do they know your stuff? Of course, of course.

• 23:52Speaker 06

  I've got an all in one.

• 23:55Speaker 07

  It's efficient. You don't have time, you're on the telly. You've got to do all in one challenge up. But you know, like, do they know? Do they?

• 24:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:02Speaker 07

  That's the, and you can't, you can't really ask, cause then they're like, oh, I didn't know that, or look it up.

• 24:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, you don't want anyone looking it up.

• 24:08Speaker 07

  No, man.

• 24:09Speaker 06

  I, I once walked past my therapist in the street. I was walking down the street, I'm in, I'm in my girlfriend, walked past the therapist. And we just like nodded at each other. My girlfriend was like, who was that? I was like, it was my therapist. And she laughed a lot. And then she told her therapist about it. I was like, I told my therapist, you saw your therapist in the street, and you both nodded at each other like you were spies. Like it was secret. And we both really laughed at you. I was like, what? You guys laughing at us? We're cool.

• 24:33Speaker 05

  What's, what's the evil organisation in Marvel? It's like that.

• 24:36Speaker 07

  Yeah, Hydra.

• 24:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, Hydra. It's like you're both members of Hydra.

• 24:40Speaker 07

  Oh, God. Papa Doms or bread? Papa Doms or bread, man, this one? Papa Doms or bread? Doms. Are you mad? Papa Doms all day, man. Give me the crackle. Yeah, the crackle. People haven't really talked about the crackle on here. Yeah, dude, it's all about, food is all about the sensuality. Do you know what I mean? The texture, the the sounds and the bread, you're not getting sound, you're not getting a crack. And also my mum, she, for my birthday, she got me a Papa Dom uh holder. So that, you know, when you put a Papa Dom in a microwave?

• 25:12Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 25:13Speaker 07

  You know, when sometimes if you don't put it on something, it gets burnt in the middle. Have you ever done that?

• 25:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 25:18Speaker 07

  Yeah. And then you have to eat around the burn, but it's horrible. Do you know what I mean? You're like, you just like question all your life decisions. Whereas with this, it's like a little, it's like a little, you know, the pizza table in the middle of a pizza?

• 25:28Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 25:28Speaker 07

  It's a lot, but bigger. You can rest your Papa Dom on it.

• 25:30Speaker 05

  A little Papa Dom rest.

• 25:31Speaker 07

  Restaurant Papa Dom.

• 25:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 07

  Man, that's great.

• 25:34Speaker 05

  A Papa Dom's empty calories?

• 25:36Speaker 07

  Oh, absolutely.

• 25:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a good, that's a good snack, leading up to a meal, right?

• 25:40Speaker 07

  Exactly.

• 25:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:41Speaker 07

  Cause it, yeah, it's a crisp, basically.

• 25:43Speaker 05

  You're practicing what you preach.

• 25:45Speaker 07

  It comes full circle, you know?

• 25:47Speaker 06

  How many do you want? How many dips do you want? What dips do you like? I know you don't want mango chutney.

• 25:52Speaker 07

  Don't want mango chutney, right? But I'll have it on the table. Cause it's nice to have like an array, do you know what I mean? Or I have a bit of mango chutney if I'm also like offsetting it with yogurt. Raita. Like a char, what's that called? Uh, pickle. I should have used the Urdu word, but yeah, pickle.

• 26:09Speaker 06

  I use all the words. This is a professional writer, everybody.

• 26:14Speaker 05

  He's got all the words.

• 26:15Speaker 07

  No, I'm saying that's a bit, said the Urdu word, right? Cause in Urdu, it's like a char. But I also do use all the words.

• 26:22Speaker 05

  I thought you were posting the word.

• 26:24Speaker 06

  I use all the words.

• 26:26Speaker 07

  Somebody say pickle? That's more than a syllable. I'm damn clever.

• 26:32Speaker 07

  Mango pickle is amazing.

• 26:33Speaker 06

  Oh, okay. Tastes like mango.

• 26:35Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 26:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 26:36Speaker 07

  With bits of mango in it, the skin as well. It's like, it's wrong, but it's right.

• 26:40Speaker 06

  Like pi- proper pickled and spicy and yeah.

• 26:44Speaker 07

  I don't like spicy food.

• 26:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 26:46Speaker 07

  But I'll have, if I can control the amount, put it with some raita, we're good.

• 26:50Speaker 06

  Lovely.

• 26:50Speaker 07

  Yeah, man.

• 26:51Speaker 06

  If you're in a group, do you be mother with the poppadoms? Do you smash them? Break them up for everyone with your hand?

• 26:57Speaker 07

  I don't do that. I don't do karate chop.

• 27:00Speaker 06

  No.

• 27:00Speaker 07

  No, I do, I break it in my mouth. So I like take a whole one.

• 27:04Speaker 06

  Whole one, take a bite?

• 27:05Speaker 07

  Yeah, and I wanna bite it and I want it to go air. I want poppadom in my everywhere. Do you know what I mean? I wanna be finding it in my beard for weeks later. You gotta make a mess.

• 27:17Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:17Speaker 07

  But I don't want the mess to be on the table. Also, if you crack one, they're all cracked and then what's that? You're having like, it's all little fragments.

• 27:25Speaker 06

  Sure. So you want, you wanna get the whole one, take a bite and then it falls where it may?

• 27:29Speaker 07

  Yeah, exactly.

• 27:30Speaker 06

  But you don't want any on the table, you want it all on you?

• 27:32Speaker 07

  I want it all on me. It's how I eat popcorn. You do this and you just throw it at your face. And a third of it goes in, the rest of like, I wanna be in the cinema and like, when you get up at the end, it's like a flood of all the snacks you've had. Do you know what I mean? That's.

• 27:47Speaker 06

  You gotta get up and fully brush yourself down, right? Get it all off. Yeah, yeah. I opened a pack of hardboard sweets too fast in the cinema once and uh, it hit the lady in front of me in the back of the head and she turned around and called me a little, little shit.

• 28:01Speaker 06

  You little shit.

• 28:03Speaker 05

  Why are you eating hard boiled sweets in the cinema?

• 28:05Speaker 06

  I was like, I don't know, fifteen.

• 28:06Speaker 05

  In Victorian times?

• 28:08Speaker 06

  Yes, in Catherine, in, in, in the early two thousands. So exactly, exactly in Victorian times. I'd go to the big Tesco, I'd buy a packet of fruit sherbets. Loads of different flavors.

• 28:20Speaker 05

  Mama, it's a fruit sherbet of the motion picture.

• 28:23Speaker 06

  And me and my friends would go to the cinema. I'd always eat these fruit sherbets. I'd crunch them up. They're great. There was lime and lemon and black currant and strawberry and, and orange. And this particular time, just too eager, open it really fast, bam, bam, bam, bam, in the back of this woman's head, turn around, you little shit.

• 28:38Speaker 07

  Oh Joe, fair enough though. I'm on her side.

• 28:41Speaker 06

  What? You're throwing popcorn in your face, getting everywhere.

• 28:43Speaker 07

  Popcorn has a soft landing.

• 28:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:45Speaker 07

  You know, hard boiled, that's aggression, man.

• 28:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's bad.

• 28:48Speaker 07

  That's, you know, get yourself a, you know, strawberry lace, chill out.

• 28:53Speaker 06

  Hmm. And they're individually wrapped.

• 28:55Speaker 07

  Individually bad.

• 28:56Speaker 06

  In the cinema, yeah, bad for the environment, sure, but also noisy. You're a noisy little boy.

• 29:01Speaker 07

  Yeah, very noisy.

• 29:03Speaker 06

  People didn't like it.

• 29:04Speaker 07

  You went to the cinema with your mum at fifteen?

• 29:06Speaker 05

  No, he put that in.

• 29:07Speaker 07

  Oh, sorry. I just pictured you.

• 29:09Speaker 05

  He lifted that?

• 29:09Speaker 07

  I pictured your mum with a Victorian umbrella.

• 29:12Speaker 05

  No, fucking Mary Poppins. He, he put that in. I bet you did go to the cinema with your mum. No, I was going with Matthew.

• 29:17Speaker 07

  Ain't nothing wrong with going with your, it's okay.

• 29:19Speaker 05

  It's nice.

• 29:19Speaker 07

  A bit defensive.

• 29:20Speaker 05

  Look after your mum. What's wrong with you? Why do you hate your mum so much?

• 29:23Speaker 07

  Why do you hate your mum? Yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 06

  I don't hate my mum. She listens to this every week. Mum, I don't hate you.

• 29:27Speaker 07

  Oh yeah, but, but a thing the therapist told me, right, that every, in every dream, everyone in your dream is a version of you. So really what happened was you threw up on yourself and you projected Michael Barrymore.

• 29:39Speaker 05

  Michael Barrymore.

• 29:40Speaker 07

  What does that say about you?

• 29:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, which, which part of my personality does Michael Barrymore represent?

• 29:46Speaker 06

  Barrymore represents you worrying that your career is gonna go real bad at some point and.

• 29:53Speaker 05

  Or just a great all round entertainer.

• 29:55Speaker 06

  Yes, but a great all round entertainer.

• 29:57Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 29:58Speaker 06

  Whose future looks shady and bad and something bad's gonna happen to you. And you will fall out of favour.

• 30:05Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 30:05Speaker 06

  Even though you're extremely talented.

• 30:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:07Speaker 07

  Says a lot about you, this dream, man.

• 30:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 30:10Speaker 06

  Does say a lot about you.

• 30:11Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 30:12Speaker 06

  I think puking on your own back.

• 30:13Speaker 05

  Well, we've just, sorry, we've just assumed that Michael Barrymore's me in this.

• 30:17Speaker 06

  No.

• 30:18Speaker 05

  Well, one said that that's based on actual stuff.

• 30:20Speaker 07

  Actually, that's scientific shit. But it's also good because when you have a dream and you're like, oh my god, I killed a person or I did something really bad. You're like, ah, it's just a version of me.

• 30:29Speaker 05

  It's fine, I just killed myself in the G A.

• 30:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 30:32Speaker 05

  And that's fine.

• 30:33Speaker 07

  Or if you have a sex dream about someone and then next thing you're like, well, I don't like, you know, at work, like, oh, whatever. It's like, no, I just sexed myself.

• 30:42Speaker 06

  I've heard about that dream.

• 30:44Speaker 05

  What?

• 30:44Speaker 06

  It's been a bunch of different versions of me and we all just wank each other off.

• 30:48Speaker 07

  Oh, right, yeah. That says a lot about you, more than Pepsi says about you, yeah.

• 30:52Speaker 05

  Yeah. In a long line or in a circle?

• 30:55Speaker 06

  Joe, what? If I'm gonna put in a request to my imagination, I'd like, I'd like to try both at some point.

• 31:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:02Speaker 07

  Because if you can't do it in your dream, where can you do it?

• 31:03Speaker 06

  Well, I guess in a circle would be nicer because then everyone's getting.

• 31:06Speaker 05

  Everyone's getting something, yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 06

  The guy, the guy.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  The guy at the front.

• 31:08Speaker 06

  The guy at the front or the guy at the back, it depends how we're doing it.

• 31:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:13Speaker 06

  Doesn't it?

• 31:14Speaker 05

  Exactly. Circle, you got eye contact as well.

• 31:16Speaker 06

  Circle, everyone can look at each other.

• 31:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:18Speaker 06

  But they're sure in a circle, but you're facing out of the circle. Then you can't make eye contact, you know?

• 31:22Speaker 05

  That, that's the, would be the craziest way to do it.

• 31:26Speaker 06

  You're in a circle, but you're all facing outside the circle.

• 31:28Speaker 05

  Want to check, see if anyone's coming.

• 31:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, or at least one of you has to do that.

• 31:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:32Speaker 06

  Just one of you. Everyone else is facing inside and one of you is a lookout, who's just there.

• 31:36Speaker 05

  Well, you know in cartoons when like the, there'll be cartoon characters having a huddle, they're normally chickens or having a huddle discussing something and occasionally someone's head will pop up and look round.

• 31:43Speaker 06

  Well, that's specifically chicken run.

• 31:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 07

  It sounds like the writer's room for Human Centipede.

• 31:50Speaker 07

  I feel like this is how they came up with it.

• 31:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 07

  Okay, but what if ergonomically, actually, they all faced each other?

• 31:56Speaker 06

  They should get us in the writer's room for that. I think they're still doing sequels to that.

• 31:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:59Speaker 07

  No.

• 32:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, come on.

• 32:01Speaker 07

  They should do a series.

• 32:02Speaker 06

  They're like, they're like you, they're like, oh man, when we wrote the first one, no one had any expectations on it. And now we've got to follow it up again. How are we gonna make it even more fucked up?

• 32:09Speaker 07

  Fun fact, back in the day when I used to make YouTube videos, the mum from Human Centipede was in a video of mine.

• 32:15Speaker 06

  That's cool. Did you ask her much about Human Centipede?

• 32:18Speaker 07

  I didn't want to be that guy who was just like, you know, tell me about your most famous project, do you know what I mean?

• 32:26Speaker 06

  Your dream starter?

• 32:28Speaker 07

  So, I think a lot about Teletubby food.

• 32:33Speaker 07

  No?

• 32:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:35Speaker 05

  No, keep going. Yeah, I'll have now, yeah.

• 32:37Speaker 06

  On the way here, I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies.

• 32:40Speaker 05

  Was it the Teletubbies theme?

• 32:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:42Speaker 05

  Because it does mention it a lot.

• 32:44Speaker 07

  That soundtrack bangs.

• 32:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. But, but yeah, it made me think, I thought about Teletubbies today, just, no, you brought them up.

• 32:51Speaker 07

  No, I think about them all the time.

• 32:52Speaker 06

  What did you think about this morning?

• 32:53Speaker 07

  I think about that, you know, that like, that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl, like the pipe was the bowl. Tubby custard.

• 33:00Speaker 06

  Tubby custard.

• 33:00Speaker 07

  I think about the smiley face toast.

• 33:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:03Speaker 07

  And it's like therapy, isn't it? It's just soothing, like, yeah, I wanna, I wanna be there.

• 33:08Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 33:09Speaker 07

  In Teletubbyland.

• 33:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:10Speaker 07

  I don't want none of the Teletubbies there, because that's creepy.

• 33:12Speaker 06

  Yeah, sure.

• 33:13Speaker 07

  Right? We're past that now.

• 33:14Speaker 06

  Did you have a gig with Tinky Winky?

• 33:16Speaker 07

  Did I have a gig with Tinky Winky?

• 33:17Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, a few of us have that. He was a comedian.

• 33:20Speaker 05

  He was like an alternative comic from the eighties.

• 33:23Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah.

• 33:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. But he played Tinky Winky, so you'd occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you, you know, that's Tinky Winky.

• 33:29Speaker 07

  No. Would you talk about it?

• 33:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, sometimes he'd talk about it on stage, but like, you know, obviously they wouldn't believe him, because they just assumed the comedians are lying, so you would kind of see him talk about being Tinky Winky and I was like, hmm, don't think so, mate. But like, we knew.

• 33:43Speaker 07

  Tinky Winky's a green one, isn't it?

• 33:45Speaker 06

  The purple one.

• 33:46Speaker 07

  Oh, he wasn't the one with the hat?

• 33:47Speaker 06

  No, it's the tallest one. Dipsey had the hat.

• 33:50Speaker 07

  That's hard though, isn't it? You're not even the star.

• 33:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 07

  Because the hat.

• 33:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:54Speaker 07

  He was the, he was the solo career, kind of.

• 33:57Speaker 06

  Yeah?

• 33:58Speaker 07

  Prime to be there.

• 33:58Speaker 06

  I think you ask different people, they'll tell you different, you know, Teletubbies were the star, because they're the, you know, they resonated with that person.

• 34:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:06Speaker 06

  Maybe you're just like a Dipsey guy.

• 34:08Speaker 07

  I identify with Poe quite a lot.

• 34:10Speaker 06

  Yeah?

• 34:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:11Speaker 07

  She was like the afterthought and it was like.

• 34:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, always last.

• 34:14Speaker 07

  Poe.

• 34:16Speaker 07

  We've had a bit, they're like, oh, I guess Poe is all.

• 34:20Speaker 05

  But you don't want any of them to be there while, while you're eating your meal.

• 34:23Speaker 07

  I don't want anyone to be there.

• 34:23Speaker 06

  No.

• 34:24Speaker 07

  Because I know there's adults in like costumes and then I feel like that's like virgin, you know, like, sort of baby fetish territory or whatever. I feel like what I'm doing in my life, do you know what I mean? But I want my friends there. I want like, my perfect birthday would be, we'd like take, you know, like you can get an Airbnb and go be in a castle for a bit or whatever.

• 34:41Speaker 06

  What friends?

• 34:42Speaker 07

  Um, which friends?

• 34:44Speaker 06

  It's all the people you didn't mention in your BAFTA speech.

• 34:46Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 06

  Because your therapist took precedent.

• 34:48Speaker 07

  Imagine taking your therapist to Teletubbyland.

• 34:52Speaker 07

  You'd get into it, innit?

• 34:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:53Speaker 07

  He'd be like, well, let's, let's unpack this.

• 34:57Speaker 07

  Friends who won't unpack shit.

• 34:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:59Speaker 07

  Or unpack the psychology of like, why I'm desperate to go back to that time when, you know, that, that show was so soothing.

• 35:06Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 35:06Speaker 07

  You know, like when life was easier, basically.

• 35:08Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 35:09Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 35:10Speaker 05

  Life's easy in, in Tubbyland, right? In Tally Tubbyland.

• 35:13Speaker 07

  Yeah, the sun's happening, life.

• 35:14Speaker 05

  The sun. The sun's a baby.

• 35:16Speaker 07

  The sun's a fucking baby, man. The sun can be there.

• 35:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 07

  The sun can be there.

• 35:20Speaker 05

  The sun can be there. What about the Hoover?

• 35:22Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:23Speaker 07

  Anyone who's not like a, a man in a suit.

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:26Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean?

• 35:26Speaker 05

  So the Hoover can be there, Nunu.

• 35:28Speaker 07

  Nunu's there.

• 35:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:28Speaker 07

  Nunu's there. And also because we're gonna make a mess. Do you know what I mean? There's gonna be racks and lines of coke that are gonna need to be cut out. Do you know what I mean?

• 35:36Speaker 05

  Yeah. Well, Papa Doms for a start. Nunu's gonna be going wild on Papa Doms.

• 35:39Speaker 07

  Popcorn out your face.

• 35:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:41Speaker 07

  That Hoover's gonna be working overtime. I wish those tubbies were back.

• 35:46Speaker 07

  It feels unethical now, innit? It's like, is Nunu getting paid? Do you know what I mean?

• 35:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:51Speaker 07

  You know, in lockdown, when the Kardashians had that like holiday and they had like the help in the background wearing masks.

• 35:56Speaker 05

  Obviously not. Obviously I don't know about that, but yeah, sure.

• 35:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, during lockdown, they, they threw a party.

• 36:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:02Speaker 07

  And there was like photos of like the, the help in the background, like, like serving and like in masks and stuff. Anyway, that's what I want Nunu to be.

• 36:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay.

• 36:11Speaker 07

  You know?

• 36:11Speaker 05

  Yeah. Do you want Tubby Custard and Tubby Toast as your starter then?

• 36:15Speaker 07

  I want Tubby Toast.

• 36:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:16Speaker 07

  Cause let's not get crazy. No, I'm not trying to have dessert before my main, do you know what I mean?

• 36:19Speaker 05

  That would have been nice though. I would like that if you had Tubby Custard and Tubby Toast.

• 36:23Speaker 07

  Yeah, I hear you. May- maybe we could dip it in.

• 36:27Speaker 05

  Oh, come on.

• 36:28Speaker 07

  Surely you wanna dip the Tubby Toast.

• 36:29Speaker 05

  Cause they go together, right?

• 36:30Speaker 07

  See what it's like.

• 36:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:32Speaker 07

  Yeah. And it just, the, the main thing is it needs to look really plasticky.

• 36:35Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 36:35Speaker 07

  Like it needs, do you know what I mean?

• 36:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:37Speaker 07

  It, it can't, because it looks so vague and that's why it was so delicious.

• 36:41Speaker 05

  What do you think Tubby Custard and Tubby Toast tastes like?

• 36:44Speaker 07

  Hmm. Uh, I reckon like, um, art department making food, which is not real food.

• 36:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:51Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean? But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid, the, the toast would taste like, um, You know those edible, you know, you get like some things that look like they're not edible, but then they are like little marble cakes or mar- you know what I mean?

• 37:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

• 37:10Speaker 06

  Marble cake, yeah, yeah.

• 37:11Speaker 07

  No, you know, when the sugar like goes all shiny because the way it's like cooked on and it's like snaps in your mouth. Like, that's what I wanted to taste like.

• 37:17Speaker 06

  Oh, now I'm confused.

• 37:18Speaker 05

  Like sort of glazed, like with the, yeah.

• 37:21Speaker 07

  You know almond nuts, yeah?

• 37:23Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:24Speaker 07

  You know, sometimes they put like a sugar coating on them.

• 37:26Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 37:27Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 37:28Speaker 07

  And then they're like.

• 37:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, little shell.

• 37:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, shell.

• 37:30Speaker 05

  So it's another shell. It's another like.

• 37:32Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 37:33Speaker 05

  Course.

• 37:33Speaker 07

  It's all about that, yeah.

• 37:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:34Speaker 07

  It's like a really thick poppadom.

• 37:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:37Speaker 07

  With glazing.

• 37:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:38Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 37:39Speaker 05

  And what about Tappy Custard?

• 37:40Speaker 06

  Someone got a poppadom and put like Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme glaze on it.

• 37:44Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 37:44Speaker 06

  Like if you put it through the glaze curtain.

• 37:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:46Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's hardened, the whole thing's that hard.

• 37:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:49Speaker 07

  I wanna do this in like.

• 37:50Speaker 05

  Royal icing, I think. It might be like royal icing.

• 37:52Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 06

  I'm thinking about like Krispy Kreme glaze now on a poppadom.

• 37:56Speaker 05

  You said Krispy Kreme, actually.

• 37:57Speaker 06

  I did say that earlier. I, I, I know I struggled with Tappy Custard and.

• 38:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 06

  Like, it's all, all these words now are confusing me. Would you go through the glaze curtain?

• 38:07Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 38:09Speaker 07

  Absolutely.

• 38:11Speaker 06

  Yeah. If someone, if someone at Krispy Kreme was like, lay down on that conveyor belt.

• 38:14Speaker 07

  Absolutely.

• 38:15Speaker 06

  You just go through the.

• 38:16Speaker 07

  Absolutely.

• 38:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:17Speaker 07

  And be covered in it.

• 38:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 06

  Uh, you laying on it, on your back, on your front?

• 38:22Speaker 07

  On, on my back because my front, I've got a bit of a hairy chest.

• 38:26Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 38:26Speaker 07

  Hair's just complicated with glaze, you know, we've all been there, it's, it's a nightmare.

• 38:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:32Speaker 07

  Getting it out, do you know what I mean?

• 38:33Speaker 05

  I think at this point in my life, my, um, I've never had a hairy chest. My back's hairier than my front.

• 38:37Speaker 07

  Yeah?

• 38:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:38Speaker 07

  Is it?

• 38:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think so.

• 38:39Speaker 07

  Wow, man, you, you wear that like a badge of honour.

• 38:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, rarely.

• 38:43Speaker 07

  That's a vibe.

• 38:43Speaker 05

  Rarely check out the old back to see what's going on there. But when I do, I'm like.

• 38:47Speaker 06

  That's the last place you want somebody to be sick.

• 38:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:50Speaker 07

  Exactly.

• 38:51Speaker 06

  Much rather go Barrymore, get, get, get it on my chest.

• 38:53Speaker 05

  Get it on my chest, get that fizzy sick on my chest, for god's sake, Barrymore.

• 38:57Speaker 07

  Hepsi vomit.

• 38:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 07

  To get out then glaze.

• 38:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, that is very hard. Imagine going for the Michael Barrymore vom curtain.

• 39:06Speaker 07

  Get a conveyor belt, they've rigged Barrymore up, he's had 10 Pepsi Maxes.

• 39:10Speaker 05

  We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did, it would be called, this episode will be the Michael Barrymore vom curtain.

• 39:17Speaker 07

  Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, dream starter.

• 39:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:21Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  Yeah. What's Tubby Custer tasting like, do you think? Sweet?

• 39:27Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Because otherwise it would be gunge, wouldn't it? Like you'd just be eating, yeah, we want sweet, we don't want it too sweet, so you can have loads of it. I think, like, again, you know, the, you know, the Krispy Kreme filling, kind of doughnut filling, like that, but pink.

• 39:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean?

• 39:44Speaker 05

  Nice.

• 39:44Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's nice. I like this.

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• 43:01Speaker 06

  Your dream main course?

• 43:02Speaker 07

  So, growing up, yeah, we had, we had a lot of Asian food, but, but every now and again, my mom would make English food, right? It was our favorite day, right? And my mom's English food, this is, she'd make one thing when it was English food day. And she'd get penne pasta, a whole block of butter, can of beans, can of sweet corn. There's your English food.

• 43:27Speaker 07

  And it tasted like happiness. It was amazing. And I've not had that since I was a kid.

• 43:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:37Speaker 07

  So I would have that.

• 43:38Speaker 05

  English food.

• 43:39Speaker 07

  English food.

• 43:40Speaker 05

  Do you think if you had it now?

• 43:41Speaker 07

  Your forefathers had it, right?

• 43:44Speaker 06

  The penne pasta.

• 43:45Speaker 07

  Twenty century.

• 43:47Speaker 05

  The pasta, of course.

• 43:48Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:48Speaker 05

  The most British of things.

• 43:51Speaker 07

  Heinz is actually quite British.

• 43:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 06

  Hold on, the beans were baked beans.

• 43:56Speaker 05

  That's what I assumed, yeah.

• 43:57Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah, baked beans, like canned baked beans, yeah, yeah.

• 43:59Speaker 06

  Canned baked beans, canned.

• 44:00Speaker 07

  Yeah. No one's gonna be soaking overnight, do you know what I mean? Like, no one.

• 44:03Speaker 05

  The baked beans is the sauce, right?

• 44:04Speaker 07

  Exactly.

• 44:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:05Speaker 07

  And when you mix it with the butter, it's, oh, it's heaven, man.

• 44:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:10Speaker 05

  Do you think it would taste as good now if you had it now? Or do you think it was because it was the big treat when you were a kid?

• 44:16Speaker 07

  I think it would still taste good because put a block of butter in anything, it'll taste good, do you know what I mean? I think it was the butter that that made it, let's face it.

• 44:23Speaker 05

  Even if you put it in sweet corn, baked beans and penne pasta.

• 44:27Speaker 07

  Yeah, no, I would, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, guys, don't knock it till you try it. Cause the baked beans were soft, but the sweet corn gave a little bite. So it had all the texture. It is actually like, I bet if they did a col- colonial, color, colonialary, culinary, uh, culinary, that's the word, isn't it?

• 44:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:45Speaker 07

  Sorry.

• 44:46Speaker 05

  I mean, it is English food, so colonially would be quite, yeah, yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think that's what we would do quite well.

• 44:52Speaker 07

  If they did a colonially test, right, they, I bet they would be a thing of like, the sort of five textures that a food makes, that, that, that, that makes food satisfying.

• 45:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:02Speaker 07

  And that dish has everything, like it ticks all the boxes.

• 45:05Speaker 05

  Well, if you think it was salt, acid, fat, heat, a lot of people say is what you need, all of the elements of things that you need.

• 45:12Speaker 06

  Salt's definitely in there.

• 45:13Speaker 05

  Definitely got salt.

• 45:14Speaker 07

  Yeah. You got a bit of a mush, you got a bit of a bite.

• 45:17Speaker 06

  I don't know where the bite is. They all sound soft to me.

• 45:20Speaker 07

  The sweet corn.

• 45:21Speaker 06

  The sweet corn sounds soft to me, I'm gonna say that.

• 45:23Speaker 07

  No, no, no, she's not, it's not slow, quick clam.

• 45:25Speaker 05

  Are we still?

• 45:26Speaker 07

  She'll literally bang it in, mix, here you go. She was busy, she had three jobs, do you know what I mean?

• 45:30Speaker 05

  And is she doing more cooking throughout the week is like more efforts going into the other dishes throughout the week?

• 45:36Speaker 07

  Not really, no, no.

• 45:38Speaker 05

  So what sort of, what are you having on the, uh, the rest of the days, the Asian days?

• 45:43Speaker 07

  We had a lot of lentils, we had rice, uh, another when she was busy and couldn't be out. Mama was a terrible cook. She'd, she'd get a chapati roti and.

• 45:54Speaker 07

  Believe it or not, she wasn't a trainee. Um, she, margarine, sugar, roti.

• 46:01Speaker 05

  Wow, that sounds quite nice.

• 46:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'd still enjoy that.

• 46:04Speaker 07

  It was great, it was great. Uh, but like, do you know what, now that I say it, it sounds quite like proper food. Back in the day was not, it was like, it was, you know, it was a treat when we got to do that.

• 46:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:14Speaker 07

  Now it just sounds, it sounds like min, bare minimum survival food now, doesn't it, like?

• 46:20Speaker 06

  It's still tasty though, man.

• 46:21Speaker 05

  But also this English day is really funny, that you'd be excited for English day.

• 46:25Speaker 06

  I love that it's English day, you're excited about it, and it's a made up dish that is mainly pasta. So I have had English in the meal, but I, I, I really love it.

• 46:35Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 46:35Speaker 06

  It's very.

• 46:36Speaker 07

  The logic is, if it's not Asian, it's English food.

• 46:39Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 46:40Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean? Like, we could be having noodles, you'd be like, it's so English.

• 46:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:44Speaker 05

  And also because you're, you're excited for it because it's the thing that you don't have most of the time, right?

• 46:48Speaker 07

  It's the novelty.

• 46:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 07

  Except for when we got to like fifteen, then my mom would always start these like randomised businesses, she was a hustler, you know?

• 46:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 07

  So she, once she started a catering business, but she'd always be stuffing like she had no experience in.

• 47:00Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:00Speaker 07

  So she bought loads of like frozen food and it was the same, you know, the same company who sells uh meals to schools.

• 47:07Speaker 06

  Mm hmm.

• 47:08Speaker 07

  So it'd be like the hash browns you'd get at school, the mashed potato mix you'd get at school, like, it was that. And uh, yeah, so when we were like to cook for ourselves, we'd just like, we had this massive freezer.

• 47:17Speaker 05

  School dinners at home.

• 47:18Speaker 07

  Yeah, all beige.

• 47:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 07

  All beige.

• 47:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 07

  I am really badly grown up, I'm not gonna lie. It does sound like it.

• 47:25Speaker 05

  Are you putting any like cheese on top of the pasta baked beans, sweet corn?

• 47:30Speaker 06

  The English food.

• 47:31Speaker 05

  The English food, sorry.

• 47:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, it depends, sometimes.

• 47:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:33Speaker 07

  We'd have like, you know, the wheat grated cheddar in the, in the fridge, yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, but that is very English.

• 47:40Speaker 07

  Very English, so that's literally Audi like grated cheese.

• 47:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:45Speaker 07

  That goes off in like a day.

• 47:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:47Speaker 07

  Very English.

• 47:48Speaker 05

  And it's covered in this weird dust to try and keep it fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:51Speaker 07

  What even is it?

• 47:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:52Speaker 07

  English.

• 47:53Speaker 05

  It's English.

• 47:54Speaker 06

  I would like to try this dish. I would like to try it and just to see what it's like.

• 47:58Speaker 07

  This immigrant family didn't simulate it to this country.

• 48:02Speaker 06

  That is what we would normally say. We will edit that in after you've left.

• 48:05Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:06Speaker 06

  But we'll make it look like we sent it to your face, so people don't get us on it.

• 48:09Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's our catchphrase.

• 48:10Speaker 06

  We sent it to his face, he didn't have a problem. You've had a, you just had a drink out of your bottle of water. Now, I hope you don't mind me picking you up on this. You, you've done it a few times. You, when you drink out of a bottle, I've noticed, you make sure your lips don't touch the bottle. Is that fair?

• 48:29Speaker 07

  Well, when in school, we used to all share like a bottle of water.

• 48:32Speaker 06

  That's what it is. That, it's, it's sharing at school. That's, that's the technique.

• 48:35Speaker 07

  The Panda Pops, you sky it.

• 48:37Speaker 06

  Yeah. I think the word I heard most in school would be backwash, because it'd be like, don't backwash it.

• 48:42Speaker 07

  Don't backwash my drink.

• 48:43Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:43Speaker 07

  Exactly, man.

• 48:44Speaker 06

  It was a big thing.

• 48:45Speaker 07

  It was a big thing. And I feel like these days we've lost the sense of community and everyone's got their own drinks, do you know what I mean? We're all on our own screens. We're all on our own bottle of water. And actually, pass the Panda Pop round, yo.

• 48:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, because you're constantly thinking about what if someone wants a sip of this?

• 49:03Speaker 07

  What if one of us, Benito for example, wanted a sip, sip of that drink? You're like, I want to be able to hand it to him. Consciously, consciously, no.

• 49:10Speaker 06

  But that must be it.

• 49:11Speaker 07

  But now I'm like, yeah.

• 49:11Speaker 06

  You're still in the commune in your head.

• 49:13Speaker 07

  I'm still in the commune. Do you want a bit of my own?

• 49:17Speaker 06

  Ben said no.

• 49:17Speaker 07

  Why?

• 49:19Speaker 06

  It backwash, you saw it.

• 49:20Speaker 07

  Backwash? You can have that tea all to yourself?

• 49:23Speaker 06

  You greedy little boy.

• 49:24Speaker 07

  Selfish.

• 49:32Speaker 07

  Your dream side dish.

• 49:34Speaker 06

  Will this be English as well?

• 49:35Speaker 07

  Will this be so quintessentially English?

• 49:38Speaker 06

  Heads up, my dream menu is very English.

• 49:40Speaker 07

  Yeah, so far.

• 49:42Speaker 06

  I've, uh.

• 49:43Speaker 07

  So far, all of it is very English, the tummy custard.

• 49:45Speaker 06

  Forgot my.

• 49:49Speaker 06

  T W is British.

• 49:50Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, enough. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

• 49:52Speaker 06

  Um, exploiting cleaners on no wages, very English.

• 49:59Speaker 07

  Um, okay, so my, the greatest pleasure, food wise.

• 50:04Speaker 06

  That why this is already made me laugh.

• 50:06Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:06Speaker 06

  The greatest pleasure.

• 50:07Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 50:10Speaker 06

  Moan's chair just went all the way down for the listener.

• 50:13Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 50:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, we haven't had this before, but the chair.

• 50:19Speaker 07

  You set me up.

• 50:19Speaker 06

  I think, I think, I think, I did not set you up. I think you accidentally knocked a little lever and it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now pointed at your forehead.

• 50:28Speaker 07

  I'm just gonna stay like this.

• 50:30Speaker 06

  I think these chairs might be related to Nunu. There is a similar kind of device.

• 50:34Speaker 07

  It was like a.

• 50:35Speaker 05

  God, I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's gonna be.

• 50:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, the clip's gonna be when your chair fucked up.

• 50:40Speaker 05

  Just disappearing out of frame.

• 50:42Speaker 07

  Do you do this? It's like power play, man.

• 50:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's a power play.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  We got you.

• 50:46Speaker 07

  I swear I didn't do anything.

• 50:48Speaker 05

  You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow.

• 50:50Speaker 07

  I don't, I don't trust you.

• 50:52Speaker 06

  Well, we've all, we've rigged that up.

• 50:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:54Speaker 07

  What was the greatest pleasure I was talking about?

• 50:55Speaker 05

  Your side dish.

• 50:57Speaker 06

  Side dish is your greatest pleasure.

• 50:59Speaker 07

  Some reason I've like, just lost hope in life. Just me like, you know, like beginning of greatest pleasure and you just deflate.

• 51:07Speaker 07

  Go home now. Um, okay, no, the, the, you know, the chee, if you do any kind of cheese bake. The crusty bit on the side that's a bit burnt, uh, the pan scraping.

• 51:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 07

  I wanna hopefully hear that.

• 51:19Speaker 06

  That's a good, that's.

• 51:20Speaker 05

  Oh, this is good.

• 51:21Speaker 07

  It's the best bit. Fuck, you're having a game.

• 51:25Speaker 05

  Did you touch anything?

• 51:26Speaker 07

  Sorry, I'm sorry.

• 51:27Speaker 05

  Did you touch anything on the chair?

• 51:28Speaker 06

  I think you might have to stand up. I think you might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out.

• 51:33Speaker 07

  Right.

• 51:33Speaker 06

  I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure, then cheese scrapings from, uh, around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer for greatest pleasure.

• 51:44Speaker 05

  Right. And I love the idea of a side dish, which is just a whole plate of cheese scraping.

• 51:48Speaker 07

  Whole plate of that.

• 51:49Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:49Speaker 07

  And I want it, I want it done like a fancy meal, right? So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little center tiny bit.

• 51:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 07

  A little basil on top or something.

• 52:00Speaker 06

  Nice.

• 52:00Speaker 07

  A little squiggly sauce line.

• 52:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean?

• 52:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:04Speaker 07

  I don't want it to look like dregs, but it's like dregs made to look like.

• 52:07Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:07Speaker 07

  Some fancy.

• 52:08Speaker 05

  Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from?

• 52:12Speaker 07

  Yeah, pasta, a pasta.

• 52:14Speaker 05

  A lasagna?

• 52:15Speaker 07

  Like a really English lasagna.

• 52:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:18Speaker 05

  A win.

• 52:20Speaker 06

  I was gonna say London.

• 52:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:21Speaker 06

  And we are. So let's not. The riff doesn't really work.

• 52:26Speaker 05

  Said a weird London.

• 52:27Speaker 06

  There's that, yeah. Are we in London? Yes, we are in London, James. This is exactly where we're.

• 52:32Speaker 05

  I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said, are we in London?

• 52:36Speaker 06

  Are we in London?

• 52:37Speaker 05

  Yep. See you later.

• 52:38Speaker 06

  The worst riff I've ever done.

• 52:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:40Speaker 06

  Come in. Are we in London? Get that on a t-shirt. Um, yeah, so that, like, Scrappy Scrappy. That's great.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  I love Scrappy Scrappy.

• 52:50Speaker 06

  On the plate, when you've got the fancy thing, are you having them like, you know how people put the triple cooked chips? And they do them in like a Jenga tower-y kind of way? Is that how you're getting the, the scrapings up? Are you lining them up? Scrappy Scrappy. Are you lining them up in twos in like a little tower?

• 53:04Speaker 05

  I imagined them like a pyramid.

• 53:06Speaker 06

  Like a four or five shape.

• 53:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, like a sort of little tower pyramid.

• 53:11Speaker 06

  A pyramid of Scrappy Scrappy.

• 53:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 53:12Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:13Speaker 05

  With a little garnish on top.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  Nice.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  And maybe even, it has a fancy name, like, Drag on there.

• 53:20Speaker 06

  Drag on there.

• 53:21Speaker 05

  Drag on there.

• 53:22Speaker 06

  Drag on there.

• 53:22Speaker 05

  Drag, drag on there.

• 53:23Speaker 06

  Drag on there.

• 53:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:24Speaker 06

  Is that the dregs?

• 53:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:26Speaker 06

  I don't know what on there means.

• 53:27Speaker 05

  On the plate.

• 53:28Speaker 06

  On the plate.

• 53:30Speaker 06

  Drag on the plate. Drag on the plate.

• 53:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 53:33Speaker 06

  This is my dream side dish.

• 53:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, I like the drag on there. Is there a particular chi- like cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of? Or is it like a mix of cheeses or?

• 53:43Speaker 06

  Uh, yeah, do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into? It's the one that begins with E.

• 53:49Speaker 05

  Edam?

• 53:49Speaker 06

  Edam, cause it melts well, innit?

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think, I don't think I've ever melted Edam.

• 53:55Speaker 06

  Or is it Edam? I think it is, it's one of the Swiss ones.

• 53:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Emmental.

• 53:59Speaker 06

  Em, Emmental.

• 54:01Speaker 05

  Emmental, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:02Speaker 06

  That shit is good.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  Yeah. You can have Scrappy Scrappy Emmental.

• 54:07Speaker 06

  Yeah, that was, that was part of a lasagna.

• 54:09Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 54:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, lasagna. Who do you want to eat the lasagna? Cause obviously you're not getting that, you're getting just the scrap you need from it.

• 54:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:17Speaker 06

  Who do you wanna eat? You're gonna send that to someone to eat it, cause we've got to get rid of it. We're not gonna throw that away, we don't like wasting the dream.

• 54:23Speaker 05

  Or do you want Nunu to suck it up?

• 54:24Speaker 06

  Oh, fucking.

• 54:25Speaker 07

  No, no, not, not go to waste.

• 54:28Speaker 06

  You know what you did.

• 54:29Speaker 07

  What?

• 54:29Speaker 06

  Do you want Nunu to suck it up?

• 54:31Speaker 05

  Anyway, so we're not having Nunu suck the lasagna up.

• 54:33Speaker 07

  No, I don't want food going to waste. Do you know what I mean?

• 54:36Speaker 06

  Who do you want to eat? You can send it over there. There's, we've got a table at the other end of the restaurant. Someone's there. Who's there?

• 54:41Speaker 07

  Do you know, I just, I send it to my mum to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like. Do you know what I mean?

• 54:47Speaker 05

  She's not buying that. She's absolutely saying, oh, this is my favourite new English dish.

• 54:51Speaker 07

  She'd be like, where's the sweet corn and the baked beans? They fucked this one up big time.

• 54:56Speaker 06

  Yeah. Your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day and I want to eat it. Don't say, I want to eat it so much. I think it sounds delicious.

• 55:07Speaker 05

  With like, with like ink as the sauce.

• 55:09Speaker 06

  I don't know if ink was the sauce, actually. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser can hear us. He's in the opposite room. Fraser, apologies that I didn't ask you what the sauce was, but uh, maybe it's ink as the sauce, but.

• 55:19Speaker 07

  I don't know, man. Cuttlefish.

• 55:20Speaker 06

  Cuttlefish is nice.

• 55:21Speaker 07

  It's like really white and meaty, right?

• 55:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, I've only had it recently. I think it's delicious.

• 55:26Speaker 07

  Yeah, but lasagna though, lasagna is all layering cuttlefish, like bits of cuttlefish on, in a layer.

• 55:34Speaker 06

  Well, is the layer thing, that's what's putting you off?

• 55:36Speaker 07

  Yeah, man. You, if you're gonna layer something, you need, it needs to be spreadable. Do you know what I mean? This is like, cuttlefish is like, it's a little bit to me. I don't know, it just feels wrong.

• 55:46Speaker 05

  I know what you mean.

• 55:46Speaker 07

  Unless you're like putting it in a blender and like turning it like into like something like mince.

• 55:50Speaker 06

  Uh huh. I don't know if it is minced. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser, I feel like I, I didn't hold up my end of the conversation.

• 55:55Speaker 05

  You've really dropped Fraser in it here.

• 55:56Speaker 06

  Fraser, I've got you in it so bad. I'm sorry, man.

• 55:59Speaker 05

  Have you ever had Parmesan crisps?

• 56:01Speaker 07

  No.

• 56:01Speaker 05

  You know, when, so grated Parmesan, put them in the oven, they melt and then you get them out and they solidify quite quickly. So it's basically posh cheese scrapings.

• 56:09Speaker 07

  Perfect.

• 56:10Speaker 05

  And you can buy them from like, I mean, I've seen them in Whole Foods. We can buy tubs of just Parmesan crisps.

• 56:16Speaker 07

  Amazing.

• 56:17Speaker 06

  This sounds great.

• 56:17Speaker 07

  I'm obsessed with making the by-product, the main meal.

• 56:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think that's a good, that's really good. Yeah.

• 56:23Speaker 07

  Custard, right?

• 56:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:24Speaker 07

  The skin is the best bit. And I know this divides people.

• 56:28Speaker 06

  I know it divides people. I, I, I eat just the skin. If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin.

• 56:32Speaker 07

  Hmm.

• 56:33Speaker 06

  I would be intrigued. I wouldn't say no to that.

• 56:35Speaker 07

  Right. I did a, I, I, I never, I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping. There's never enough custard skin.

• 56:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 07

  So I did a thing where I like basically got custard and lay, put it out in a tray. So it was like, like a centimeter thin.

• 56:48Speaker 06

  Great.

• 56:48Speaker 07

  And it was all skin, right? But it didn't work.

• 56:51Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 56:51Speaker 07

  Because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form. So then I tried it again and I fanned it.

• 56:58Speaker 06

  Uh huh.

• 56:58Speaker 07

  Didn't work. So then I was like, I think it needs to like stay hotter for longer.

• 57:02Speaker 06

  I can say this right now. I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think.

• 57:08Speaker 05

  No, you're like Heston Blumenthal. This is great.

• 57:10Speaker 06

  But I want to hear the rest of it, but this is astonishing.

• 57:13Speaker 07

  Because if I didn't do it a third time, then what, that I'd question my life decisions even more. Do you know what I mean? Like I've like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all, you know what I mean? Do all the variables, get the Bunsen burner out, you know what I mean? So actually, so what I did, I put it on like, I rested it on stuff and then I put tea lights underneath and it worked.

• 57:32Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 57:32Speaker 05

  This is why you're a success.

• 57:33Speaker 07

  This is why I'm a success.

• 57:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:36Speaker 07

  This is, this is why I want a bath.

• 57:39Speaker 06

  Why don't you shout out custard skin in your speech?

• 57:41Speaker 07

  I should have.

• 57:45Speaker 01

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• 58:14Speaker 04

  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Twelve celebrities, one Don and cold hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where twelve celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Watch The Mob, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 58:52Speaker 06

  Your dream drink?

• 58:53Speaker 07

  Okay, this is a bit cheeky of me, yeah, but there's this, um, there's this drink called Faluda, yeah? Which is actually a dessert. But, um, the logic, I think, it's like, it's like an Asian dessert, right? And it's got like, it looks like, like a pink ramen.

• 59:08Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:09Speaker 07

  Right, it's got rose water and rose milk.

• 59:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 59:12Speaker 07

  Um, and then what looks like noodles, but is actually, um, vermicelli.

• 59:17Speaker 06

  Okay, so like very thin noodles, yeah, yeah.

• 59:20Speaker 07

  And then it's got basil seeds.

• 59:22Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 59:22Speaker 07

  Where do you get those? Who knows? Do you know what I mean? It's so specific. Um, and then, um, a dollop of ice cream.

• 59:28Speaker 06

  How have I never heard of this?

• 59:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, this sounds up your street.

• 59:31Speaker 07

  Faluda is the gayest drink you'll ever drink. It's amazing.

• 59:35Speaker 06

  Yes, please.

• 59:36Speaker 07

  Like fluorescent pink.

• 59:38Speaker 06

  And what's the ice cream? What kind of ice cream is it?

• 59:40Speaker 07

  Uh, oh, so pistachio goes really well.

• 59:43Speaker 06

  Great.

• 59:43Speaker 07

  But you know, if you wanna be a bit more tame, you can do like vanilla and stuff.

• 59:47Speaker 06

  But you want pistachio for your drink?

• 59:48Speaker 07

  I want pistachio, man. Cause green and pink, nice in it.

• 59:51Speaker 06

  This sounds good. I like this a lot.

• 59:53Speaker 07

  And some people might say, oh, but that's a dessert, Moan. Well, my logic is if McDonald's can give you a fricking, what's it?

• 1:00:00Speaker 05

  Milkshake?

• 1:00:00Speaker 07

  Milkshake, thank you. That English word I always forget. Then, I'm sorry, I can have a Faluda with my cheese crepes.

• 1:00:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:08Speaker 06

  I think, I think I had this. I actually think I had this last week.

• 1:00:11Speaker 05

  What?

• 1:00:12Speaker 06

  On my birthday, Faluda. I think I had this.

• 1:00:14Speaker 05

  You just said, how have I not had this? And now you're saying you had it last week?

• 1:00:17Speaker 06

  Well, then I just thought about it.

• 1:00:18Speaker 05

  We know, we know you didn't, cause you've already said you've not had it.

• 1:00:20Speaker 06

  A Jim Kano, I think I had it at Jim Kano. I think I did, cause they brought the desserts out and they didn't, it was like set menu. And I think it was, I just run through everything that Moan just said and I was like, well, that's actually what, I think that's what I had.

• 1:00:32Speaker 07

  Fluorescent pink with noodles.

• 1:00:33Speaker 06

  It was pink, it had what looked like vermicelli noodles in it?

• 1:00:36Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Speaker 06

  It had like a dollop of ice cream in the top. That's what I had.

• 1:00:39Speaker 07

  Right, man, you had a Faluda, man.

• 1:00:41Speaker 06

  I had it.

• 1:00:41Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah, man.

• 1:00:42Speaker 05

  So how did you not know that immediately when Moan was describing it?

• 1:00:45Speaker 06

  Because sometimes when you're hearing something be described, it doesn't completely connect.

• 1:00:49Speaker 07

  And also because he didn't know what he was having.

• 1:00:51Speaker 06

  I'm right, he's just checked the website.

• 1:00:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:53Speaker 06

  I had it.

• 1:00:54Speaker 05

  I believe you, it was just a mad turn of events.

• 1:00:56Speaker 07

  No, he didn't know what was happening to him, so that's why.

• 1:00:59Speaker 06

  I didn't know what was happening to me.

• 1:01:00Speaker 07

  If you, if you meet Billy Ocean, but you don't know who Billy Ocean is, you ain't gonna remember it in a week.

• 1:01:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:05Speaker 07

  If someone was like, he looks like this, you'd be like, oh, maybe I met Billy Ocean.

• 1:01:07Speaker 05

  So did that happen to you?

• 1:01:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:01:10Speaker 06

  You know Billy Ocean.

• 1:01:11Speaker 07

  But I could not tell you what he looks like.

• 1:01:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, sure. It's hard, isn't it?

• 1:01:15Speaker 05

  I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like.

• 1:01:17Speaker 07

  You know, that's on him.

• 1:01:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:18Speaker 07

  He should have worked harder.

• 1:01:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like.

• 1:01:21Speaker 05

  I feel like every year Billy Ocean gets put down the league table of famous Billies.

• 1:01:26Speaker 07

  What, is he a singer?

• 1:01:28Speaker 06

  Yeah, surely.

• 1:01:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Speaker 06

  Is he? Hmm, who's the, who's, who is it who turns up in like the final, kind of the finale of The Wedding Singer on the plane? Is that Billy Ocean? That's Billy Idol. That's Billy Idol.

• 1:01:42Speaker 05

  See, there's Billy Idol, there's obviously now Billy Eilish, so Billy Idol's probably annoyed.

• 1:01:46Speaker 06

  Whoa, yeah. If I was Billy Idol, I'd be like, well, at least I was in that scene in Wedding Singer.

• 1:01:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:51Speaker 06

  Because that's, that, that, people are going to watch that for years.

• 1:01:54Speaker 05

  Billy Joel, obviously, so, you know, Billy Joel's ahead of everyone.

• 1:01:57Speaker 07

  Billy Bobby Brown. No, I'm thinking Millie Bobby Brown, which is.

• 1:02:01Speaker 05

  Billy Bobby Brown.

• 1:02:02Speaker 07

  A teenager.

• 1:02:03Speaker 06

  Billy Bobby Brown.

• 1:02:04Speaker 07

  Billy Bobby Brown.

• 1:02:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:05Speaker 07

  Who was a country singer.

• 1:02:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:08Speaker 07

  Who's pissed off at Millie.

• 1:02:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, gotta be, gotta be annoyed.

• 1:02:11Speaker 05

  But then also, you look at the Ocean thing, Frank Ocean beating Billy Ocean.

• 1:02:15Speaker 06

  Absolutely. These days, no one's talking about Billy. Everyone's talking about Frank.

• 1:02:20Speaker 07

  I'm talking about Billy.

• 1:02:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you can, you didn't even know if he was a singer or not, and you didn't realise it when you met him.

• 1:02:24Speaker 07

  But I'm talking about him.

• 1:02:27Speaker 07

  You're my favourite chef ever.

• 1:02:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Is there a place where you've had the best falooda ever? Where it's like, that's where you should go to get it?

• 1:02:35Speaker 07

  Uh, there's a chain restaurant called Ambala. And I grew up in Norfolk and they would, they would have this like giant fish tank and they had like a fountain of water go around and like, um, it was like an event going there. Yeah, and they did amazing falooda. And you know everything's fresh as well, do you know what I mean?

• 1:02:52Speaker 06

  Uh huh.

• 1:02:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, I think they've gone down the pan a bit now.

• 1:02:54Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:02:55Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:02:55Speaker 06

  That's a shame.

• 1:02:56Speaker 07

  Well, they were known for also putting, have you ever had edible foil?

• 1:03:00Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:03:02Speaker 07

  You've not had edible foil?

• 1:03:04Speaker 05

  For the listener, that wasn't the chair going down again.

• 1:03:08Speaker 05

  That was my warning.

• 1:03:08Speaker 07

  That's my heart rate. Okay, no, edible fo- okay, they do it on Indian sweets, right? It's like they eat, it's like, it literally looks like foil.

• 1:03:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:03:17Speaker 07

  But it's edible. I can't believe it.

• 1:03:19Speaker 05

  Does it function as foil as well?

• 1:03:21Speaker 07

  It's very thin.

• 1:03:22Speaker 05

  Could you wrap up leftovers and take them home in it?

• 1:03:24Speaker 07

  It's very thin, but I reckon if they made it a bit thicker.

• 1:03:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:27Speaker 07

  Cause that would be the shit, you know what I mean? Like, I'm keeping my cod insulated.

• 1:03:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:03:31Speaker 07

  And I can eat the inside.

• 1:03:33Speaker 05

  You just eat the whole thing.

• 1:03:34Speaker 06

  I don't even have to unwrap this.

• 1:03:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:03:35Speaker 07

  Yeah. That's such a vibe. And then, then you'd like pull it out at work, out your tupperware, and everyone would be like, he crazy, he eating the foil. And you're like.

• 1:03:46Speaker 07

  That's just what, yeah, I'm crazy.

• 1:03:49Speaker 05

  Does it taste of anything, the edible foil? Is it sweet or?

• 1:03:52Speaker 07

  No, it tastes of nothing.

• 1:03:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:03:53Speaker 07

  It tastes of nothing.

• 1:03:53Speaker 05

  That's pretty cool.

• 1:03:54Speaker 07

  But you literally, you can make anything look like space food. You can make it like, you'd like, you could put it on anything.

• 1:04:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:00Speaker 07

  It has to be a flat surface, so then it struggles to. And you get it like, um, you know, like Gold Leaf?

• 1:04:05Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 1:04:06Speaker 07

  You peel it off.

• 1:04:06Speaker 05

  Yes, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, you get it like that, stick it on, peel it off.

• 1:04:09Speaker 05

  Great.

• 1:04:10Speaker 07

  Magic, man.

• 1:04:11Speaker 06

  I'm actually quite surprised you haven't got space food on it. I would have thought you were the kind of guy, from judging by your menu so far, that you would chuck space food in there, that you'd want to try some space food.

• 1:04:20Speaker 07

  I don't really fuck with space.

• 1:04:22Speaker 06

  No?

• 1:04:23Speaker 07

  No, it's a bit overwhelming and like, and then also just that whole astronaut thing, I'm like, I don't know if I want to eat out of a tube, man.

• 1:04:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:31Speaker 07

  Do you know what I mean? How are you gonna put cheese scrapings into a, into a toothpaste tube? You're not, like, that food will never taste good. Do you, you into it?

• 1:04:40Speaker 05

  I feel like I would, I, I, I did. But they have dried stuff, don't they?

• 1:04:43Speaker 06

  I, I, I'd the, um, I mean, won't surprise anyone, but I'd, I'd the astronaut ice cream once. I went to some like museum, like a space thing.

• 1:04:51Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:04:51Speaker 06

  It might have even been the NASA one, I, I'd like, had like the ice cream in there. It was all right, it's, it's fun to eat it, little Neapolitan astronaut powdered ice cream thing.

• 1:04:59Speaker 07

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 1:05:00Speaker 05

  You'd get fed up with it if you were an astronaut, wouldn't you?

• 1:05:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, exactly, man. A novelty in a museum, okay.

• 1:05:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:06Speaker 07

  But like, you know, if you're asking me about my dream meal. Um, I'm sorry, why would I make a dream meal out of people, what people have to do? Cause they're compromised with gravity, like it's a necessity, it's not a luxury.

• 1:05:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:05:19Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:05:19Speaker 06

  I watched an interview yesterday with Ridley Scott, cause he's promote, yeah, he's Oscar season. And, uh, and he wants to win something and they talked to him about the Martian. And he's like, you, they said to him, would you ever go to space? He said.

• 1:05:31Speaker 07

  He said, I don't fight with space.

• 1:05:32Speaker 06

  He went, no, I'm not crazy. And that was it. That was the answer he gave. Um, but he was talking about the Martian and he was, and he was like, I got the script and, uh, I was like, this is a comedy. And everyone was saying to me, no, this is like a serious drama. This is like a tense film. And I was like, this is a comedy. The guy eats potatoes growing from his own dump. I didn't think I'd hear Ridley Scott say dump, dump.

• 1:05:53Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:53Speaker 06

  I thought it was a shit or poo. He go, growing from his own dump, growing from his own dump.

• 1:05:58Speaker 07

  Wow, that's the director saying that.

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  That's Ridley Scott.

• 1:06:01Speaker 07

  That's like. Imagine getting that note as an actor. When in the potatoes, you're just being like, yeah, just like laugh at it a bit more, like find it funny that you're like. Remember you're eating your own dump. Yeah, it's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I could, I'd be in a space film. I'd be, I'd love to be in a space film. Yeah. Simulated like all that shit, great.

• 1:06:18Speaker 06

  I think you'd be, if you were in Armageddon, say, and you were like part of the crew. Do you think you'd make it to the end of the film? Or do you think you'd die? It's like, it's like Owen Wilson. It's just like dead so quick in that mission.

• 1:06:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, man, I worry I would be dead very quickly. Although they say when you're like under, you know, strip, like it's amazing what you can achieve in it when you.

• 1:06:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:06:38Speaker 07

  When you really put your head to it. I, I always identified with like the stoner in those films, you know, like in the horror films. Die quite early on, but I had a good time doing it, do you know what I mean?

• 1:06:46Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're never, they're never stressed. Yeah. They die, they die stoned, right? In horror films, they're always really chilled out. I'm okay with that, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm okay with that. So you like greet, greet the alien and then get killed? Yeah, just life's so stressful, actually. If the world really went to shit. I'd like to think that actually I'd just be like, do you know what? It's out of my control. Hmm, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

• 1:07:10Speaker 05

  Your drink dessert. Here we are.

• 1:07:13Speaker 07

  No, do you know what? The best cake I ever, ever tasted, right?

• 1:07:16Speaker 05

  Great, this is my dream start to a sentence, yeah?

• 1:07:19Speaker 07

  Oh, first series of Juice, there was a scene where I'm eat, I bite into Russell Tovey's arm and it's cake.

• 1:07:27Speaker 07

  Such a TV cliche.

• 1:07:30Speaker 07

  And.

• 1:07:31Speaker 05

  How many times has Tovey done that as well? He's like, great, I'm cake again. Every show.

• 1:07:35Speaker 07

  God, I'm tongue past, okay.

• 1:07:37Speaker 05

  My arm's made of cake, yeah, again.

• 1:07:39Speaker 07

  Is it cake? But Russell Tovey, is it Russell Tovey or is it cake?

• 1:07:43Speaker 06

  I think they should go on that show.

• 1:07:44Speaker 07

  Huh?

• 1:07:45Speaker 06

  They should bring him out on that Is It Cake show.

• 1:07:48Speaker 07

  It was a very long shoot day though. I'm sure, I think he's scarred from the day where he had to be cake. Cause also, cause we had to do resets, right? So they made like three, three, okay, so we had this cake and it looked exactly like his bicep, right? So already delicious, you know, like the veins and everything, like colour matched. It was incredible. And they painted and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:10Speaker 05

  Do you think the person making the cake, they were like, here's the person you're gonna be making the cake look like. They were like, oh for fuck's sake, he's so ripped. There's like loads of stuff to do. Whereas it'd be so much easier if it was just like my arm and they'd be like, just looks like a cake anyway.

• 1:08:24Speaker 07

  We should get Roly-Poly.

• 1:08:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Just get jam Roly-Poly.

• 1:08:26Speaker 07

  You've got loads of tattoos though.

• 1:08:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, we'll just paint a Roly-Poly. That's not too difficult, is it?

• 1:08:30Speaker 07

  Paint a Roly-Poly with all your, all your different tats.

• 1:08:34Speaker 05

  There's no veins, there's no veins, man. My veins are inside my arm where they should be.

• 1:08:38Speaker 07

  Yeah, if anything.

• 1:08:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:40Speaker 07

  Yeah. No, no, it would have been simpler. And it would have been cheaper, cause I think it cost six thousand pounds or something stupid. Yeah. Yeah, but it was worth it. But we had to do like obviously several takes and stuff. So I was like, oh, this is gonna be the worst cake I've ever tasted, right? It's a prop cake.

• 1:08:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:55Speaker 07

  And it was the best thing I've ever tasted. Something that looks like an arm, when you bite into it and it was the, I didn't even like Victoria's sponge.

• 1:09:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:03Speaker 07

  It was incredible. The jam was just jamming, the, the buttery top was just buttery topping, like it was just moist. It was so good, man.

• 1:09:14Speaker 05

  So is that like expectation versus reality?

• 1:09:17Speaker 07

  Maybe it was that.

• 1:09:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, but that's your memory of the cake. It was absolutely delicious.

• 1:09:20Speaker 07

  It was good though, man.

• 1:09:21Speaker 06

  And was the outside like a fondant kind of thing?

• 1:09:24Speaker 07

  It was like a marzipan type thing. Yeah. And, and like flesh coloured, you know what I mean? And we shot it in, that was in the winter. He wasn't tanned, you know, it was a pasty old looking thing. Sorry, Russell.

• 1:09:36Speaker 05

  Sorry, Russell.

• 1:09:37Speaker 07

  The bicep was lovely.

• 1:09:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:39Speaker 07

  But you know how you want your food to look?

• 1:09:41Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 1:09:42Speaker 07

  And it was just just shock of it. And then also the scene is like me like falling in love with him. And that's how I know I'm in love with this man. He tastes amazing. And um and so that that like it was no acting involved, man. I was like.

• 1:09:56Speaker 06

  How many takes did you do?

• 1:09:57Speaker 07

  We only did two sadly.

• 1:09:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:59Speaker 07

  And and there was more, but I just I had I had.

• 1:10:02Speaker 06

  And there are two different arms that you took bites out of a cake.

• 1:10:04Speaker 07

  Two different arms.

• 1:10:05Speaker 05

  Did the crew eat the rest of the arm?

• 1:10:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 1:10:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:08Speaker 07

  But I had to go straight to another scene and then um there was no more cake.

• 1:10:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:12Speaker 07

  Got it. Everyone loved it.

• 1:10:13Speaker 06

  Straight into another. And they didn't save you any?

• 1:10:15Speaker 07

  No, can you believe?

• 1:10:16Speaker 06

  That's crazy.

• 1:10:17Speaker 07

  I mean, to be fair, they I wasted two with like massive bite marks in it. And do you know what I mean? So I'm like, they probably had the drinks anyway.

• 1:10:23Speaker 06

  They can cut around those bite marks.

• 1:10:24Speaker 05

  This is mad because James did Bake Off with Russell Tovey.

• 1:10:27Speaker 06

  I did. Me and Toby were on Bake Off together.

• 1:10:29Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Speaker 06

  Maybe he was made of cake. That could have saved me some time because I just leant over, cut Toby's arm off.

• 1:10:36Speaker 06

  Presented it to Paul Hollywood.

• 1:10:38Speaker 07

  Done.

• 1:10:39Speaker 06

  There you go. Bite into that. It's a lot nicer than it looks.

• 1:10:41Speaker 07

  Yeah, exactly. Don't be fooled by the veins.

• 1:10:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. I'd have got the handshake. Or could have just shook his hand with Toby's arm.

• 1:10:48Speaker 07

  With his arm. There we go.

• 1:10:49Speaker 06

  Just held it up.

• 1:10:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:50Speaker 06

  Hollywood handshake instead. It was the worst day of my life.

• 1:10:53Speaker 05

  Do you want when when the cake is presented to you at the dream meal, do you want it to be just a disembodied arm cake? Or do you want it to be attached to Russell?

• 1:11:01Speaker 07

  I want Russell on the table.

• 1:11:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Russell's on the table. A little bit of basil. Basil. Well, you put you put a little bit of basil on top of the um the the cheese scrapes.

• 1:11:11Speaker 07

  No, it tastes nice.

• 1:11:12Speaker 06

  You don't. We could just put a little bit of basil on Russell Tovey. Mint. A little bit of mint on Russell. Mint on Tovey. Whereabouts do you want to put the mint?

• 1:11:19Speaker 07

  It could. Do you know what would be nice? And not just a little palm of his hand.

• 1:11:21Speaker 06

  A little palm of his hand. So it's like presenting it.

• 1:11:24Speaker 07

  Like a like some kind of like weird pagan ceremony.

• 1:11:28Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:30Speaker 07

  And we'd hang out, it wouldn't be weird. We'd hang out, we'd chat, like, we're, you know, just hanging out as mates, right? But he would have to, like, pose in the thing, because I think the whole, it was the whole, it was the whole atmosphere as well, and it was like, action, and then you're doing this thing, and you're in bed, and you're like, you know, and I think that everything contributed to making it tasty, which that's why I do think, like, for, like, food is a four-dimensional experience, about all the senses and.

• 1:11:55Speaker 05

  So Russell Tovey's Arm Cake.

• 1:11:56Speaker 06

  Russell Tovey's Arm Cake. Well, I'm gonna read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

• 1:12:00Speaker 05

  This is a great menu.

• 1:12:01Speaker 06

  Quite looking forward to reading this back. Still water, you would like a stack of pop noms with all the dips, and you're gonna just be biting them whole. Start, you want tubby toast with a tubby custard dip.

• 1:12:13Speaker 07

  When you put it like that. Sounds very juvenile.

• 1:12:17Speaker 06

  Main course, English food. Side dish, you would like cheese scrapings on a massive plate with a garnish.

• 1:12:23Speaker 07

  No, it has a name, thank you.

• 1:12:25Speaker 06

  Sorry, you would like, uh, dragon da.

• 1:12:29Speaker 05

  Dragon da plate.

• 1:12:30Speaker 07

  Dragon da, god, you're so uncoordinated.

• 1:12:33Speaker 06

  Drink falooda. Dessert, Russell Tovey's bicep cake, mint, a little bit mint in the palm.

• 1:12:39Speaker 07

  Now, that's a menu.

• 1:12:40Speaker 05

  That is a menu.

• 1:12:41Speaker 07

  That's good, isn't it?

• 1:12:42Speaker 06

  That is very good.

• 1:12:43Speaker 07

  That's good.

• 1:12:44Speaker 06

  I'd eat it. I would want to eat all of that.

• 1:12:47Speaker 05

  I'd like a slice of the Tovey Arm for sure.

• 1:12:49Speaker 06

  I really wanna try the Tovey Arm. I do wanna see what the tubby custard and tubby toast actually tastes like.

• 1:12:54Speaker 05

  Cheese scrapings all day long.

• 1:12:55Speaker 06

  Absolutely. Uh, and the English food, I'm not gonna say I'm not, uh, you know, curious about that either. I do wanna know what that tastes like.

• 1:13:03Speaker 05

  Well, that's the one we can recreate at home quite easily.

• 1:13:05Speaker 06

  Because we're English.

• 1:13:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, because we're English.

• 1:13:07Speaker 07

  Because you're English.

• 1:13:07Speaker 05

  We've got all the ingredients.

• 1:13:08Speaker 07

  Yeah, exactly. It's in your blood.

• 1:13:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:11Speaker 06

  Yeah, we know how to make that. Don't you worry.

• 1:13:14Speaker 05

  Fantastic menu.

• 1:13:15Speaker 06

  Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

• 1:13:18Speaker 07

  Anytime, man.

• 1:13:24Speaker 05

  Well, there we go. What a, what a menu. We should have known that menu would have been pinging around all over the place, James.

• 1:13:30Speaker 06

  If a man puts helium in an egg.

• 1:13:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:33Speaker 06

  They're gonna order that food.

• 1:13:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:35Speaker 06

  Although he didn't order helium in an egg.

• 1:13:36Speaker 05

  He didn't order helium in an egg. Thank God, because that was the secret ingredient.

• 1:13:40Speaker 06

  But I, I, I mean what I said, I would try all of that.

• 1:13:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, the main course is one of the worst things I've ever heard.

• 1:13:46Speaker 06

  It's hilarious.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't need to try that because I know what all the ingredients taste like.

• 1:13:50Speaker 06

  You don't think it'd be nice?

• 1:13:51Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:13:51Speaker 06

  I wanna.

• 1:13:52Speaker 05

  I think it would be comforting. I saw where he was coming from. It was, it was nostalgia for him. It was comfort. And I could see how maybe if you were in a rush and you put all those things together, it would fill you up. I mean, that would fill me up for days.

• 1:14:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, I, I mean, something that I would never eat, but because of how much man clearly loves it.

• 1:14:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:10Speaker 06

  I did wanna try it just because of the joy it clearly gave him.

• 1:14:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:13Speaker 06

  It's English food.

• 1:14:14Speaker 05

  Yes, yeah, it's English food. And we should know really what it tastes like.

• 1:14:17Speaker 06

  We should know what it tastes like as Englishmen.

• 1:14:19Speaker 05

  But the cheese grimpings strike a genius for me.

• 1:14:22Speaker 06

  I, I would also try the custard skin.

• 1:14:24Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 1:14:24Speaker 06

  Considering the amount of effort that went into making it. I mean, what a guy.

• 1:14:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:30Speaker 06

  Spending the whole day doing that, but getting it right.

• 1:14:32Speaker 05

  We've all been in situations where we've got a writing deadline and instead we try and do something like that, right?

• 1:14:37Speaker 06

  Anything else to just anything but writing to just put it off.

• 1:14:40Speaker 05

  I told you, I made a carrot, carrot cake the night before Muck the Wheat once.

• 1:14:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, that was why all of your scenes we'd like to see were about carrot.

• 1:14:46Speaker 05

  About carrot cake, yeah.

• 1:14:47Speaker 06

  Or riffs on.

• 1:14:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I was covered in crumbs.

• 1:14:50Speaker 06

  You were covered in crumbs, crummy gamble.

• 1:14:52Speaker 05

  Crummy gamble. Juice Series Two is out soon on BBC Three and iPlayer.

• 1:14:57Speaker 06

  Oh, lovely stuff. Ed, I guess that's off-menu done for another week.

• 1:15:02Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:15:03Speaker 06

  We'll see the listeners next week for more food-related hijinks.

• 1:15:06Speaker 05

  I don't like that. You're all being all professional.

• 1:15:09Speaker 06

  I think it's, this is my, this is like new year, new vibe. People don't know that when we're recording this, this is like January.

• 1:15:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm trying to be professional now.

• 1:15:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it's not the first one we've recorded in January and you weren't professional for those.

• 1:15:20Speaker 06

  Well, that's, but that was what I was thinking during, it was like, Joe Wattman, you gotta up your game.

• 1:15:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:24Speaker 06

  You know, Ed does so many podcasts now. He's so professional.

• 1:15:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:27Speaker 06

  You've got to show him that like, you, you know, you're professional too.

• 1:15:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:31Speaker 06

  And because I worry, you know, every time you leave, I say to Benito, he's gonna leave me. He's gonna leave me, he's gonna, he's gonna continue to do the other podcasts full time.

• 1:15:41Speaker 05

  No way.

• 1:15:42Speaker 06

  And I need to show him that I'm professional, that I'm worth staying with.

• 1:15:45Speaker 05

  No, I will do this podcast forever.

• 1:15:47Speaker 06

  Oh, I was hoping we could quit fairly soon.

• 1:15:51Speaker 05

  No way, man.

• 1:15:52Speaker 06

  I don't think forever, I don't think we need to say forever.

• 1:15:54Speaker 05

  Well, there we go, we've made it unprofessional at the end, see you next week.

• 1:15:57Speaker 06

  Bye.

• 1:16:42Speaker 02

  I'm Jake Stauk, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work, and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company. This is a new way to run IT.

• 1:17:24Speaker 02

  We guarantee you'll automate 50% of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot.

• 1:17:31Speaker 02

  Go to serval.com/tickets. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash tickets.

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