Pod Insights Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster Neil Hannon (The Divine Comedy) About this episode The Divine Comedy frontman Neil Hannon has a table booked at the Dream Restaurant this week. Something for the weekend.
The Divine Comedy’s new album ‘Rainy Sunday Afternoon’ is released on Fri 19 Sep. Pre-order is here https://lnk.to/RainySunday.
Follow The Divine Comedy on Instagram @divinecomedyhq https://www.instagram.com/divinecomedyhq/
Donated to My Lovely Horse Rescue at www.mylovelyhorserescue.com https://www.mylovelyhorserescue.com/
Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Fri 5 Sep.
Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast
Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial.
And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.
Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.
Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design).
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 12,452 words · 8 speakers
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0:47 Speaker 01 Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the ravioli of conversation and boiling it in the water of humour, then grating over the Parmesan of friendship and black pepper.
1:01 Speaker 02 That's interesting. That was an interesting one.
1:03 Speaker 01 Hmm.
1:03 Speaker 02 I thought, oh, it's going for a very short one. And then you obviously thought in your head, no, that's too short. So you added the Parmesan.
1:09 Speaker 01 Well, I know, I didn't think it was too short because I do like to do a short one now and again because it makes me laugh. But then I thought, I wouldn't just have plain ravioli. And I've got to be honest to my audience. And that's where all the best comedy comes from, isn't it? From honesty.
1:20 Speaker 02 That is Ed Gamble. He's an honest man. My name is James Acaster, a liar. And this is the Off Menu Podcast. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start and main course dessert, cider, champagne, drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Neil Hannon.
1:36 Speaker 01 Neil Hannon, a musical legend, James, The Divine Comedy.
1:40 Speaker 02 An absolute musical legend. Very, very excited to have Neil Hannon on, especially because The Divine Comedy have a new album out, Rainy Sunday Afternoon, out on the 19th of September.
1:50 Speaker 01 Very excited to meet Neil. I've seen The Divine Comedy live.
1:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:54 Speaker 01 He's a very productive, inventive musician.
1:58 Speaker 02 Also, The Divine Comedy are going on tour, October 2025. That's this year.
2:03 Speaker 01 That's this year, of course. They're going all over the place. They're playing some cool venues, doing a couple of shows at the Barbican. They're doing the Philharmonic Hall in Liverpool, Royal Concert Hall in Nottingham. Go to thedivinecomedy.com and you can get all the info for that tour.
2:18 Speaker 02 Well, listen, we love Neil Hannon. We love the Divine Comedy. However, if Neil does pick the secret ingredient, a good ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the Dream Restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is crisps and tea.
2:32 Speaker 01 That's from a lyric in National Express?
2:34 Speaker 02 Yes, where the hostess sells crisps and tea.
2:37 Speaker 01 Yes.
2:38 Speaker 02 And her art is the size of a small country.
2:42 Speaker 02 I remember that.
2:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a good song.
2:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, it's a great song.
2:45 Speaker 01 Quite a broad secret ingredient, I would say. It's two secret ingredients and it's things that people really like.
2:51 Speaker 02 Yes. Now, do we make it that if Neil asks for them together?
2:56 Speaker 01 Hmm.
2:56 Speaker 02 Crisps and tea?
2:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
2:58 Speaker 02 We kick him out? Or is it, if he says crisps? Do we have to wait?
3:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:03 Speaker 02 For tea to come up? Because it definitely has to be.
3:05 Speaker 01 I know what you'll do. If he says crisps, you'll be like, do you want a drink with that? Because I know what you're like.
3:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, you do know what I like.
3:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're cheeky.
3:13 Speaker 02 And listen, it's me being honest, I will do that.
3:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:16 Speaker 02 Comedically. So like, yeah, but like, I think if Neil says crisps or tea.
3:21 Speaker 01 Hmm.
3:22 Speaker 02 That's fine on its own.
3:23 Speaker 01 Hmm.
3:23 Speaker 02 If later on in the podcast, he then chooses.
3:26 Speaker 01 Crisps and tea?
3:27 Speaker 02 The other one.
3:27 Speaker 01 Yeah. Oh, okay.
3:29 Speaker 02 So if he says crisps and then later on he says tea, well, that's crisps and tea, you're out.
3:33 Speaker 01 Out.
3:34 Speaker 02 So it'll be quite a tense episode.
3:36 Speaker 01 What if he chooses tea and then crisps?
3:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's still out.
3:40 Speaker 01 Crisps and tea, though, is the.
3:42 Speaker 02 Tea and crisps.
3:43 Speaker 01 I just don't want to kick him out.
3:44 Speaker 02 I think we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
3:46 Speaker 01 Because I'll be honest, my wife's a massive fan and if we kick Neil Hannon out of the Dream Restaurant, she might leave me.
3:50 Speaker 02 You'll be in the doghouse.
3:51 Speaker 01 I'll be in the doghouse, mate.
3:52 Speaker 02 I, I, I, I think we've got to cross that bridge when we come to it.
3:55 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:55 Speaker 02 If it's tea and crisps?
3:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:57 Speaker 02 I think we, we make the case for it. I know I'm going to try and kick him out.
3:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:00 Speaker 02 I get the sense you're not.
4:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:02 Speaker 02 Benito might be the deciding vote.
4:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:04 Speaker 02 He's shaking his head, he's not going to do it.
4:05 Speaker 01 Benito will be in the doghouse as well.
4:07 Speaker 02 Because it's.
4:07 Speaker 01 Toast loves him.
4:08 Speaker 02 Toast, Toast loves. It's a fine comedy.
4:10 Speaker 01 Yeah. In fact, no, that's if you annoy Toast, you don't go in the doghouse, do you? That's if, that's a privilege.
4:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, if it's welcoming, you win.
4:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:21 Speaker 01 I'm in the doghouse with Toast. He loves me at the moment.
4:23 Speaker 02 He loves me. Can't get enough of me. Keeps inviting me over.
4:28 Speaker 02 Well, let's see what happens.
4:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, let's just, let's just see what happens. This is the off-menu menu of Neil Hannon.
4:42 Speaker 01 Welcome Neil to the Dream Restaurant.
4:45 Speaker 03 Oh, thank you so much for having me.
4:46 Speaker 01 Welcome Neil to the Dream Restaurant, but it's been a year for some time.
4:51 Speaker 03 Oh, fantastic. This is a joy.
4:54 Speaker 02 Nice to see you Neil.
4:55 Speaker 03 Nice to see you too, James. And thank you very much, Ed. And thank you very much for having me. And wow.
5:03 Speaker 01 Is that a wow at the shock and awe of seeing a genie for the first time?
5:07 Speaker 03 Well, that is it. Yeah. And the genie thing, I mean, that's cool. That that takes a lot of pressure off. Because I can ask for really stupid stuff.
5:17 Speaker 01 Yes.
5:17 Speaker 03 But I just love the idea. I am envisaging you as a genie.
5:23 Speaker 02 Thank you.
5:23 Speaker 03 I hope that's okay. You have very baggy pants.
5:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, very baggy, like crisscross.
5:30 Speaker 01 Like crisscross.
5:32 Speaker 02 But not backwards.
5:33 Speaker 03 Yes. Or like, you can't touch this person.
5:36 Speaker 01 Yes.
5:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:37 Speaker 01 He had baggy pants.
5:38 Speaker 02 Yeah. He had a hammer.
5:39 Speaker 03 And you couldn't touch them.
5:41 Speaker 02 No, you would never be able to touch them. I imagine if, even if you were a musician on the same bill as him, it'd be very hard to resist not trying to touch him. Because he's kind of.
5:50 Speaker 03 Oh, I can touch this.
5:51 Speaker 02 That's his fault.
5:52 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:53 Speaker 01 Oh, what, you think because he's saying you can't touch this, then that invites touching?
5:56 Speaker 02 Because, yeah, because you can then say forever, I touched him.
5:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:02 Speaker 01 I did touch him.
6:03 Speaker 02 I did touch him. Is there something that like people, because of one of your songs, will like always do or bring up to you that is the thing you've heard the most?
6:10 Speaker 03 Well, they'll usually say, I was on that National Express the other day.
6:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:15 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, good. How was it?
6:20 Speaker 01 It's like, just because you're a nice polite man, do you always follow up with the with the conversation or?
6:24 Speaker 03 Yes.
6:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:25 Speaker 03 I am fantastically polite. I was just brought up well. And, you know, no matter how dumb your question to me, I'm going to be nice to you.
6:35 Speaker 01 Well, good. That promises a lot then for this.
6:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a few dumb questions on this actually.
6:41 Speaker 02 It is nice, is it nice to know that sometimes when people go on the National Express, they do just have your song in their head the whole time? I went on a 12-hour National Express trip once and it was the whole time in my head.
6:50 Speaker 03 Really? Just bub, bub, bub.
6:52 Speaker 02 First time I ever went to the Edinburgh Festival. It was last minute decision, it was a 12-hour National Express and it was all that was going on in my head the whole time.
6:59 Speaker 03 That's fantastic. Well, I am very chuffed that you should have my song, no matter how annoyed you were by the end of the trip.
7:06 Speaker 02 It was horrible.
7:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
7:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, I don't know why people don't do that more often, you know, in their careers, you know, just choose a random kind of venerable national institution and write a song about it. I mean, I didn't mean for it to happen, but it was great. Woo-hoo.
7:26 Speaker 02 Would you deliberately do one? If there's a national institution, you know, that you could like-
7:30 Speaker 03 I'm not gonna do it again.
7:30 Speaker 02 Get on to now.
7:31 Speaker 03 That would be greedy. No, I've done my national institution.
7:34 Speaker 02 Are you not, are you not tempted to maybe go even more upmarket? Maybe go like, write a song called First Class Emirates or something?
7:41 Speaker 03 Ooh, First Class Emirates.
7:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:43 Speaker 03 Just in case they give me a freebie.
7:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:46 Speaker 03 I can't see how it would sort of really scan in a, in a, in a line.
7:50 Speaker 02 I don't think it matters. I think they'd be happy regardless. I think you just do the same song, re-release it like Candle in the Wind and change it's First Class Emirates. Yeah. I'm trying to think of anything that rhymes with Emirates though. Yeah, that's hard.
8:02 Speaker 03 I'm usually pretty good at this, but you know, conglomerates is the nearest I can get.
8:07 Speaker 02 There you go. First Class Emirates, but gas conglomerates.
8:12 Speaker 02 Do you love food?
8:13 Speaker 03 Sorry, now I'm just trying to find rhymes.
8:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, I always see the cogs wearing there.
8:18 Speaker 03 Food and I have a difficult relationship. Not because I, I want to eat it all or anything. It's because it's the, it's, it's root into me, past my awful teeth.
8:33 Speaker 03 You know, if, you'll notice the last 20 years of photographs of me, I, I smile like.
8:40 Speaker 01 I always just thought you were very saucy.
8:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, saucy man.
8:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, I can see where the confusion has arisen.
8:50 Speaker 03 But I have liked food more in the past when I found it easier to eat. Now, sort of angel delight would be perfect.
9:00 Speaker 01 So your teeth, by the way, I never thought that you have awful teeth.
9:04 Speaker 02 No.
9:05 Speaker 01 And you came in and I did not see any awful teeth.
9:07 Speaker 03 I mean, it's all my own fault. I have, I was terrible to them as a kid. You know, ate lots of absolute rubbish and was very, very remiss in my brushing.
9:20 Speaker 03 And as time went on, it didn't get much better and they started sort of collapsing. Like imploding, like a black hole. And I just find myself swallowing bits of tooth. This is lovely.
9:33 Speaker 02 Is this why you turned down the ice cream donuts this morning?
9:37 Speaker 03 It was partly that, I must admit. I thought, oh, I can, I can see pain on the horizon if I.
9:42 Speaker 01 You eat the ice cream donut?
9:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, we should say it's quite, I mean, fairly early in the morning in terms of.
9:47 Speaker 02 Currently quarter past 10 in the morning.
9:49 Speaker 03 Yeah. And Meghan, who works at the place, has turned up at the door with a huge freezer bag full of ice cream donuts and ice cream and things from from across town.
10:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:00 Speaker 03 I'm assuming they were sent to us, Ben, rather than Meghan's gone mad.
10:04 Speaker 01 She doesn't stick up.
10:05 Speaker 03 Ben, you almost talked.
10:07 Speaker 01 You almost talked there.
10:10 Speaker 01 But we offered, that's the first thing we offered Neil. Neil arrived, we said, would you like an ice cream donut? And he said, it's a little bit early.
10:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, which is polite.
10:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, very polite.
10:18 Speaker 03 Very polite.
10:19 Speaker 02 Let's talk about the new album, Rainy Sunday Afternoon. Very exciting. Also, we've got to talk about this bonus disc.
10:26 Speaker 03 There was a bit of a mix up apparently and you got sent the super extra bonus album from the best of.
10:32 Speaker 01 Yes.
10:33 Speaker 03 Which is not what I am trying to promote at all, although it's quite good.
10:37 Speaker 02 Oh, it was great. I didn't listen to it this morning.
10:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's quite mental.
10:42 Speaker 01 We can double, we can double promote. That is also, that is also available to listen to. But the new album is Rainy Sunday Afternoon.
10:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:49 Speaker 01 Out on September 19th.
10:50 Speaker 03 I've made another album.
10:55 Speaker 02 Now, how do you feel about that?
10:58 Speaker 03 I feel good that I have made a bloody good album at this great age. And like the 13th one I've made, so that makes me happy. But, you know, when am I gonna stop? When's this gonna end? It's ridiculous.
11:12 Speaker 02 That is incredible, though, 13 albums. Like, is the process easier now? It's that many, or is it back to square one every single time?
11:21 Speaker 03 I think it's a little easier because I am better at it. I know what I want more and I know how to get it. And also because I care less about what people think of what I do. Obviously, in the 90s, I really wanted to be a pop star. And somehow I managed to. It was crazy. Not a very big one, but, you know, medium pop star. And I tried to keep a hold of that for a while until finally you realise the kids don't care. You know, and why should they? I wouldn't have cared about me as I got older. So you just kind of concentrate on quality. You know, and doing the things you wanna do and doing them really quite well.
12:02 Speaker 02 And do you get, is there a lot of the fans on tour? Are they like from that original, like, you know, 90s wave of fans? Or are they bringing younger people with them as well?
12:11 Speaker 03 There's a nice mix.
12:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah. I mean, the kids in the audience are usually the offspring of the original fans. So, yes, it's like a monarchy now. You know, they have a divine right. Oh, nice. Didn't even see that coming. Yeah, but I noticed, you know, our audience, our audiences kind of thinned out a little in the 2000s. And I didn't quite know what I was doing wrong. And then suddenly everybody came for like 2010, you know, through to 2015. They were all back and they said, we couldn't get babysitters for 10 years.
12:55 Speaker 02 Well, when you're writing songs now, is like, do you feel like you're a different person to, you know, when you started, you know, writing and we started doing music, are you thinking about them completely differently lyrically?
13:07 Speaker 03 No, I'm trying to just like be myself and be honest. And, you know, it's always served me well in the past, you know, I was very much myself in the early days. And to my astonishment, people kind of enjoyed the obscure things that I did. Maybe just because they had good tunes, I don't know. Now, you know, I'm in my 50s and I've got to face that fact and just, you know, write songs about my crumbling teeth, et cetera.
13:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, so the huge, I mean, at the minute, you probably wear this, but like, this ongoing debate in rap music about, because Andre 3000 has said he's not going to rap because, you know, he's 50 or whatever. I thought you were going to say it's about teeth. Yeah. There's an ongoing debate in rap music about teeth. What kind of grills that they should wear. But like, yeah, he's just like, no one wants to hear some of my age rap. But then also all the biggest rap albums of this year have been from people his age or around that.
14:10 Speaker 03 I'm not really an aficionado of the rap.
14:16 Speaker 03 But I liked a lot of Outkast stuff.
14:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:20 Speaker 03 Just because it was, it sort of skirted boundaries, you know?
14:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:24 Speaker 03 I wasn't too keen on his, what would you call it? Like, yeah, this weird flute psychedelic album.
14:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, the kind of.
14:32 Speaker 03 I worked my way through it.
14:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:35 Speaker 03 I have not listened to it since.
14:37 Speaker 02 Yeah. And that's, you know, I think a lot of people, that was, that was the case. And some people were pleasantly surprised by it. But I think what he's got to realise is he is such a good rapper that people will sit for a flute album. Um, out of respect. Because it's something from him. So it's like, well, at least we got this.
14:55 Speaker 03 People through that, really. I would like to hear, I'd actually be much more interested in sort of an older person rapping.
15:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:05 Speaker 03 You know, simply because they might be talking about things that meant something to me.
15:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. What sort of things would you like to hear someone rapping about?
15:14 Speaker 03 The decision making around where their kids are going to go to college.
15:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
15:21 Speaker 02 Well, we always start with still a spark than water, Neil. Do you have a preference?
15:24 Speaker 03 Whatever you guys want, really. I mean, that, you see, this is-
15:28 Speaker 01 We don't, we don't do that here, Neil. You've got to-
15:30 Speaker 02 You'll take what you can get?
15:33 Speaker 03 That's excellent. Wrong album, but excellent.
15:36 Speaker 02 Bonus album. The bonus album, what's got to promote it.
15:40 Speaker 01 We've done all the research on the bonus album here now.
15:44 Speaker 03 Oh, that's brilliant. Um, well, I guess still, uh, you know, I'm not a sparkling personality. Uh, I, and I run deep inside there.
15:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:54 Speaker 03 So still is what, what I've got in front of me and that's what I want.
15:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:59 Speaker 03 I, I just don't have strong feelings about food. This is great. Why am I here?
16:05 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, we've, we've had people come on who I suspect don't eat at all.
16:08 Speaker 01 Yes.
16:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, we, we've had actors come on and try and, uh, you know, and you can tell they've researched what do people eat before coming on here. Well, I'll tell you, we, we had, um, an actor called Phil Dunsturn, uh, who's in Ted Lasso. And, uh, he got given his dream meal recently by his friends on his stag do. And there's a photo of him eating the meal that he talked about on Off Menu and he looks absolutely miserable.
16:35 Speaker 02 And I was like, I don't think Phil really said what he would like to eat.
16:38 Speaker 03 Yeah, okay.
16:39 Speaker 02 I think Phil said, uh, a menu which is maybe nostalgic for him and makes it more, makes it more relatable to the listener. But actually he doesn't want to eat all these carbs.
16:51 Speaker 03 Well, you know, uh, like with the songs, I'm going to be brutally honest.
16:55 Speaker 02 Yes, yes.
16:56 Speaker 01 Good, glad to hear it.
16:57 Speaker 03 Still water.
16:58 Speaker 02 Yeah. And you don't want anything in that water. That is still, that is, I mean, is it good tap water where you grew up?
17:04 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, in Northern Ireland we had nice tap water.
17:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:06 Speaker 03 Um, not like your London stuff.
17:08 Speaker 02 Yeah. Ours has got chunks in it.
17:13 Speaker 01 Bits, it's bits, like orange juice with bits in it.
17:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
17:17 Speaker 01 Some places do.
17:18 Speaker 02 No, huh?
17:19 Speaker 01 You do get that sometimes.
17:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, you should get.
17:21 Speaker 01 But I wonder whether that's just from like dirty taps or whatever, little white bits floating around.
17:26 Speaker 02 My, my, my, uh, one of my neighbours drank a boba tea for the first time the other day in the courtyard of where we live.
17:33 Speaker 01 We just went out in the courtyard to drink it.
17:35 Speaker 02 They were there anyway. It was sunny day. We're all out there. And so, and a kid came up to him and said, try this dad.
17:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:42 Speaker 02 What is this? Boba tea? Yeah. He, he had a big old glug of it. He hated it and spat all the balls into a planter.
17:50 Speaker 02 All those little tapioca balls.
17:52 Speaker 03 I don't understand what that stuff is about. My daughter gave me one of those and it would, it would have been the same reaction had I not been in the shop at the time.
18:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, you could spit them back down the straw.
18:04 Speaker 01 It is weird. It's weird what, um, suddenly kids get into. And I never would have thought tea with like tadpoles in it. Yeah, was gonna, was gonna be what they're into. See, this is the sort of thing I'd like to hear on the next Andre 3000.
18:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:16 Speaker 01 He doesn't, doesn't understand boba.
18:18 Speaker 02 All of our daughters keep giving us boba.
18:22 Speaker 02 That's a good talk. And everyone would be like, oh, wow. I didn't know that was, that wasn't just me. That's everyone. Cause like.
18:28 Speaker 03 And that's what art is for.
18:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:30 Speaker 02 Yes. Pop noms or bread? Pop noms or bread, Neil Haddad? Pop noms or bread?
18:36 Speaker 03 It's a bit like that scene in Man Bites Dog where he scares the old woman to death.
18:41 Speaker 01 I've got to say, it's the first shout out we've had to Man Bites Dog in the past.
18:44 Speaker 02 Good shout out to Man Bites Dog. A lovely film.
18:49 Speaker 03 Oh, I never watched it. I couldn't possibly get through that. I'd be dead.
18:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, do well with. But I saw all the trailers and thought, oh, that's not very nice, is it? No.
18:58 Speaker 01 I don't think I've, I don't think I've seen it either. I mean, I, I watch some horrible films, but I don't think I've seen it.
19:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've not seen it. I know what it's about.
19:05 Speaker 03 Well, we've all agreed on that.
19:07 Speaker 02 But he told you seen it? No, he's not seen it. He spoke, we got him.
19:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:11 Speaker 01 My, my wife would scary films. She can't watch scary films. So what she does is she, um, finds a stream of it online, puts, puts it in the corner to a tiny screen. And then reads the Wikipedia plot. Great.
19:23 Speaker 03 But, um, yes, my wife loves scary films, except she hates them.
19:29 Speaker 01 Right.
19:29 Speaker 03 And she has terrible nightmares for days after one. You know, it's like, oh, that was really good. Scared me shitless. And, uh, it's like, why do you put yourself through it? I don't understand.
19:41 Speaker 01 If you're having nightmares, you shouldn't be watching the film.
19:44 Speaker 02 Two weeks couldn't sleep after Scream Two.
19:47 Speaker 03 Oh, God.
19:48 Speaker 02 That is true. Yeah, obviously, I was much younger. I'll be able to watch it now.
19:52 Speaker 01 You'll be able to watch it now?
19:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be able to watch it now.
19:55 Speaker 01 All right. It's a challenge.
19:56 Speaker 02 That is my challenge. Challenge accepted. I'm gonna go away and watch Scream Two.
19:59 Speaker 03 I'm not challenging you to do that.
20:01 Speaker 02 Challenge accepted, Neil.
20:02 Speaker 03 Don't do it. Don't do it.
20:03 Speaker 02 Neil, I won't let you down.
20:07 Speaker 02 Papa Doms or bread, Neil?
20:08 Speaker 03 Bread. Papa Doms. I only worked out what they were when I was about 20, you know. Uh, Northern Ireland was not a cosmopolitan place, you know, growing up. Especially, I was out in the sticks. So it was only when I started in the music industry that I went to an Indian restaurant, you know. It was extraordinary. Bread? I, uh, there was a bakery called the Melanda Bakery, uh, just round the corner from us as I was growing up in dairy slash London Dairy. So good they named it twice.
20:43 Speaker 03 And I feel like that smell was just there, that my whole, like this, all of the seventies. And it went along quite well with the seventies. I don't know what it was about the seventies. The smell of baking white bread, you know, that's dodgy, uh, stuff. And I have, you know, I'm, I'm sentimental about, I think my mom, when we said, we're hungry, she'd just throw slices of white bread at us to get us to go away.
21:11 Speaker 03 Yeah. And, um, we'd kind of play with them. We'd kind of take the crust off and then we'd sort of squidge up the white, uh, middle bit and like sort of braid them.
21:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:21 Speaker 03 And stuff. Ooh, it was tough growing up when I was like.
21:24 Speaker 02 I was gonna say, stereotypes of growing up in seventies, uh, Northern Ireland. All we had to play with was bread.
21:33 Speaker 03 Yeah, pretty much, you know, my dad was a rector and just like it was quite a small amount of money. We always lived in lovely houses because it was like the arse was, oh, I just poured coffee on myself. I'm getting excited, thinking about the old days. Yeah. Lovely houses, beautiful Victorian sort of red brick terraced house that I grew up in. And but yeah, the furniture was moth eaten.
22:02 Speaker 02 So do you want for your bread course, slices of white bread thrown at you by your mother that you can braid and play with?
22:09 Speaker 03 That would be nice. Yeah. If my brothers were here as well.
22:12 Speaker 02 Yes, your brothers.
22:13 Speaker 03 And, you know, but current ages, that'd be funny fighting over bread in your 50s.
22:20 Speaker 02 Where are you in the?
22:22 Speaker 03 I'm the youngest.
22:23 Speaker 02 You're the youngest.
22:24 Speaker 03 It's like my parents ran out of steam because Dez is the eldest and the tallest, and then Brendan, and then I'm a short arse.
22:31 Speaker 02 So you, Dez and Brendan, playing with white bread together.
22:37 Speaker 03 Oh.
22:38 Speaker 02 That's how you milk stuff.
22:40 Speaker 01 Was it the sort of white bread where if you do squeeze it down, it sort of almost becomes like a paste?
22:45 Speaker 03 Becomes a putty.
22:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:47 Speaker 03 Yeah. You could, you know, fill the cracks in the windows.
22:50 Speaker 01 Fix the furniture.
22:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah, he fixed that goddamn furniture. What's the, obviously if it's a vicar, it's called a vicarage. If you're a rector, what's it called? What's the house?
23:01 Speaker 03 A rectorage. I don't know.
23:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:03 Speaker 03 Sorry, the rector.
23:06 Speaker 01 Rectory.
23:07 Speaker 02 Oh, a rector.
23:08 Speaker 03 Oh, my God. Yes.
23:09 Speaker 01 Not a rectum, which was obviously my first thought.
23:11 Speaker 02 That was what I was pushing it towards.
23:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, pushing it towards rectum.
23:13 Speaker 03 Rectum.
23:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Trying to see if I could get you to say you lived in a rectum.
23:17 Speaker 01 He's a very good interviewer, James. He knows where he's going with these things.
23:22 Speaker 03 Absolutely.
23:23 Speaker 02 It was a trap.
23:24 Speaker 01 We've only got you here, Neil, because we wanted you to say you lived in a rectum in the 70s.
23:29 Speaker 02 We got him to shut it down.
23:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:31 Speaker 02 And all the fake walls of the studio, you just go down, there's a whole studio audience. We got him.
23:35 Speaker 01 Michael McIntyre's out there.
23:36 Speaker 02 Michael McIntyre's there. Whoa, we got you.
23:38 Speaker 03 Well, anyway, I was ejected from the rectum eventually.
23:44 Speaker 01 Are you having butter with the bread, by the way?
23:45 Speaker 02 Not if you're planning all your breakfast, it'll be slipping out of your hand.
23:48 Speaker 03 Well, no, I will have, I'll have the flora plant-based salted butter. Thank you.
23:55 Speaker 01 Welcome.
23:57 Speaker 02 You got it.
23:57 Speaker 01 We always have to ask our guests who, you know, are from the island of Ireland.
24:02 Speaker 02 Oh, yes, of course.
24:03 Speaker 01 Because there's always, you've got to check.
24:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, I heard David O'Doherty going on and on and on and on about butter.
24:11 Speaker 01 He does do that.
24:13 Speaker 02 Yes. Kerrygold usually gets a shout out.
24:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, I've managed to come off the old dairy butter in the last couple of years, finally, when, when they made a good substitute, finally, because I, I do try. I'm not very good. I still drink milk in my tea because tea tastes rancid without real milk. But I, I gather that Dairy Gold and Kerrygold are still going strong.
24:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, big time.
24:38 Speaker 02 Oh, they're going strong, all right.
24:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
24:39 Speaker 03 Dairy Gold do have like a plant-based substitute, which is good, but, oh, I won't go into it. My wife is a very strict vegan.
24:48 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
24:49 Speaker 01 Yeah. Very strict.
24:50 Speaker 03 Hmm.
24:51 Speaker 01 Well, how does that manifest itself?
24:53 Speaker 03 I can see I'm getting, gonna get into trouble.
24:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, she's very strict.
24:57 Speaker 03 She is also a massive fan of this podcast.
25:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:00 Speaker 01 Thank you very much.
25:01 Speaker 02 Thank you very much. Thank you for listening.
25:04 Speaker 03 And she was kind of like quizzing me and, and, you know, trying to whip me into shape for this. But I said, leave me alone. I'll do it myself. It'll be fine. Where, where had we got to? Bless you.
25:17 Speaker 02 I sneezed.
25:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:18 Speaker 02 But I did that thing where I pinched my nose. I love it.
25:21 Speaker 01 I put one hand in the air.
25:22 Speaker 02 I put one hand in the air.
25:23 Speaker 03 Aren't your eyes gonna pop out?
25:24 Speaker 02 I love it. I love the feeling. My, my ears feel crazy right now.
25:28 Speaker 01 I do worry about that, though. If you don't let the sneeze out, then your eyes might pop out.
25:31 Speaker 03 I think you've got to keep your eyes very firmly shut.
25:34 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:34 Speaker 03 In that situation.
25:35 Speaker 01 The way James did it, then he held his nose and put one hand in the air like he was doing the dance from Pulp Fiction.
25:39 Speaker 02 That's what I was doing.
25:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:41 Speaker 03 I have a lot of sneezing experience, being a hay fever sufferer.
25:47 Speaker 03 You know, from my early teens, so I've been sneezing with great gusto all my life. Even in the off-season, because for some reason it's made my nose just hypersensitive, you know. But I like to let them out. I mean, obviously catching substances.
26:03 Speaker 02 Sure.
26:05 Speaker 03 But I I do like the the feeling of just that, well, explosive feeling.
26:11 Speaker 01 Yes.
26:12 Speaker 03 You know, just going.
26:13 Speaker 01 Do you have a hanky or are you a disposable tissues man?
26:16 Speaker 03 Disposable tissues, because for God's sake, that.
26:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:19 Speaker 03 I mean, my my dad was very much a hanky man.
26:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:22 Speaker 03 It just didn't seem right, especially when he'd get us to sneeze in his hanky.
26:26 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
26:27 Speaker 02 Oh.
26:27 Speaker 01 You can't be using your dad's hanky.
26:28 Speaker 03 No.
26:29 Speaker 02 My, I I I've got a hanky down and I had a hanky granddad and and I I I just can't be doing with it, Neil. It's disgusting.
26:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:38 Speaker 03 It's pretty vile.
26:39 Speaker 02 Absolutely rank.
26:40 Speaker 03 Although I do, I I like the, you know, the reusing, the sustainable ethic.
26:47 Speaker 02 Sure. But I don't think that's why they're doing it. It's absolutely the furthest thing from my granddad's mind when he was using the hanky was it was sustainable. He just wants to choose the grossest option possible.
26:59 Speaker 02 Man, my God, I don't even want to talk about food now we're talking about hankies.
27:04 Speaker 01 I think they can be quite refined, the hanky.
27:06 Speaker 02 What the hell are you talking about?
27:08 Speaker 01 You can have one like a fun spotty one and, you know.
27:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, if you if you never use it.
27:12 Speaker 03 Well, funny you should say that, but we I think we're going to make for the first time a sort of Divine Comedy monogrammed handkerchiefs. For our merchandise desk in the gig, so buy some, please, after us having, you know, made them all.
27:28 Speaker 02 Wow, to promote the bonus CD.
27:30 Speaker 03 No. No, no, because, you know, rainy Sunday afternoon, you might get a cold.
27:36 Speaker 02 Oh, of course, perfect. I think those they'll sell quite well.
27:40 Speaker 03 We would do brolly's as well, but they're a bit pricey.
27:43 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
27:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:44 Speaker 02 Hmm. Also, they'll all be opening the main doors at the gig.
27:47 Speaker 03 Oh, that'd be quite cool. I don't care for that sort of superstition, no, I'm I'm not a superstitious person.
27:55 Speaker 01 So you'd be happy if them were all open?
27:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, and if there's a set of stairs, you know, like a, what do you call those things?
28:02 Speaker 01 Ladder.
28:03 Speaker 03 Ladder.
28:04 Speaker 02 Oh, wow. Well done, Ed.
28:08 Speaker 03 He's a professional.
28:09 Speaker 01 I'm a professional, I know the words.
28:10 Speaker 02 He knew set of stairs was ladder.
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28:55 Speaker 02 Your dream starter?
28:57 Speaker 03 What I really yearn for is a good orange. You just, it's so hard to get the perfect orange. And you're a food genie, so you can get me the perfect orange.
29:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'll get you the perfect one.
29:11 Speaker 03 You know, you're in the supermarket and you're sort of looking, you know, around the corner at all of the oranges, because they always slide a few ones that are going off in at the bottom. And, and also, you know, there might be one in the entire punnet that is acceptable.
29:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:27 Speaker 03 But so rare that you get one that sort of ticks all the boxes.
29:31 Speaker 02 Let's go through these boxes.
29:33 Speaker 03 Well, peelability.
29:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:35 Speaker 03 I do, I don't like it when you have to sort of work too hard at the peeling. I'm, maybe it's because I'm lazy, I don't know. I don't want to have, you know, it where the, where it's coming off in just little bits.
29:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:49 Speaker 03 You know, and you're just working and working and working and the orange isn't worth it.
29:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:53 Speaker 03 It's not worth all of that trouble and time. And also you get your hands sort of that film, weird citrus film on your hands. Then there's the very, well, tough orange segments, you know?
30:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:06 Speaker 03 And that's so disappointing.
30:07 Speaker 02 Stringy.
30:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:09 Speaker 03 And dry.
30:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:11 Speaker 03 Needs to be firm but juicy.
30:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:14 Speaker 03 And have lovely, you know, not too sweet.
30:17 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
30:18 Speaker 03 But it has to be pleasurably sweet.
30:19 Speaker 02 Yes.
30:20 Speaker 03 Yes.
30:20 Speaker 02 I'm bored of all this.
30:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's so. I want a glass of sherry with it, is that all right? Stick a drink in right now.
30:28 Speaker 02 Have a sherry with your perfect orange.
30:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're gonna give me the perfect orange. This is gonna be brilliant.
30:34 Speaker 01 The perfect, I mean, I probably, I'd say I've not eaten a regular orange for 15 years. I'm satsumas all day long. I'm tangerines.
30:43 Speaker 02 Easy peelers.
30:43 Speaker 03 Do they even make naval oranges anymore?
30:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is it.
30:47 Speaker 02 Where do you stand on pith?
30:49 Speaker 03 I don't mind it as long as it comes away easily, you know, but those wonderful experiences when you're peeling and you're thinking, I'm gonna get all the way around in one go.
30:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, that's gonna happen with this orange.
31:00 Speaker 03 My God, yeah. And then, yeah, I don't want it pre-peeled or anything.
31:04 Speaker 02 I want to pre-peel it.
31:05 Speaker 03 It's gonna be the satisfaction of me peeling it perfectly. And then maybe when I get the last bit out, the whole of the inner pith comes out with the peel.
31:16 Speaker 01 What a feeling that would be.
31:17 Speaker 03 What a feeling.
31:18 Speaker 01 If you filmed that and put it online, that would go viral.
31:21 Speaker 02 That would go viral.
31:22 Speaker 03 But it's not, it never happens.
31:24 Speaker 01 Exactly. That's why it would go viral.
31:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
31:26 Speaker 02 Exactly. People wouldn't believe it. They'd be sharing it and going, Neil Hammond's got the perfect orange.
31:30 Speaker 03 I'll have to believe you. I don't do the socials. Yeah.
31:33 Speaker 02 Well.
31:34 Speaker 03 I don't know what people want.
31:35 Speaker 02 Believers.
31:36 Speaker 03 All right, all right.
31:37 Speaker 01 The pith, the pith is very much like the negligee of the orange. Is that fair to say?
31:41 Speaker 02 No, because I don't find it alluring at all.
31:44 Speaker 03 Sicko.
31:45 Speaker 02 If you peeled an orange and showed it to me, it's covered in pith, I'm gonna be like, oh, that's sexy.
31:50 Speaker 02 It makes me wonder what's underneath.
31:52 Speaker 01 Negligee doesn't have to be sexy. It can be practical.
31:55 Speaker 03 Oh, I don't think, I mean, do people still wear negligees?
31:59 Speaker 01 I just wanted to use the word. I'll be honest with you.
32:01 Speaker 02 I think, I, I think it's, it's a negligee meant to, it was just underwear, isn't it?
32:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:06 Speaker 02 I think negligee is meant to be a bit sexy.
32:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's true, maybe, just because it's a French word.
32:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:11 Speaker 01 Another difficult word to rhyme, just to get the cogs whirring again, Neil.
32:14 Speaker 02 He's got his eyes closed. Eyes instantly closed. Half smile on his face. Trying to think what rhymes.
32:20 Speaker 01 He's in his element. What rhymes with negligee in Emirates?
32:24 Speaker 03 Ugly way is all I've got. So we'll have to keep working on it.
32:28 Speaker 02 No, I like it. It's kind of like the flip, the opposite of negligee.
32:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:31 Speaker 02 You know, um, yes, I, I wouldn't say it's not that, although I'd hate it if I peeled an orange and the pith was in the shape of some negligee. Like, like, like, like the orange was wearing some sexy nakedness.
32:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, and a little bra.
32:44 Speaker 03 I don't know how this got sexy.
32:47 Speaker 02 I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be into that.
32:49 Speaker 03 Nor me.
32:51 Speaker 01 Good to know. What kind of sherry do you want? Do you have a particular type of sherry that you'd always go for at Christmas?
32:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm a Harvey's or Croft or Winter's Tale. How is it called a Winter's Tale? A bottle of, you know, fortified wine. How did it get that name?
33:10 Speaker 01 But it's obviously got, it's obviously hooked you in. It's called a Winter's Tale and you like to drink it.
33:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, and I usually get it at Christmas because it seems appropriate. I like a nice, reasonably sweet, nutty sherry. Yeah, I'm not into your kind of fino, very dry, kind of, oh, stuff.
33:31 Speaker 01 I do, I like a, I like a sweet, sweet sherry.
33:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, me too. I don't really have sherry that much, but whenever I, whenever I do have a little sip, I do think, why not have this?
33:42 Speaker 03 It's basically how I get to drink at half past five. It's like, oh, just have a little sherry and an orange.
33:51 Speaker 01 And you wonder why the kids aren't.
33:54 Speaker 02 Drink this, Bob. Should have something else. Because I have a sherry and oranges all the time.
34:01 Speaker 01 It's very, almost sort of medieval start, start to the meal. You can imagine if you were a lord, maybe in a manor somewhere, someone bringing you just a single orange on a.
34:11 Speaker 03 I have the hounds for it.
34:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:14 Speaker 02 You've got four dogs, right?
34:15 Speaker 03 Four dogs, yeah.
34:16 Speaker 01 You guys could never live together.
34:18 Speaker 02 I've got, I've got four cats. It would be.
34:20 Speaker 03 Nair the twain shall meet.
34:23 Speaker 02 The house would be divided down the middle.
34:24 Speaker 01 That's the start of an animated feature.
34:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, we have to move. For some reason, a comedian and musician have to move in together.
34:31 Speaker 03 No, but, you know, I admire your animal care.
34:34 Speaker 02 Thank you. I admire your animal care.
34:36 Speaker 03 Oh, thank you.
34:36 Speaker 02 What type of dogs are they?
34:39 Speaker 03 Hard to say. Two sort of lurchery greyhound things and two sort of smaller collie things, sheepy, sheepy dogs.
34:48 Speaker 02 I think we'd actually live together very well. My partner's absolutely obsessed with lurchery grey, lurchery greyhound things.
34:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:54 Speaker 02 Lurchers and greyhounds specifically.
34:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:56 Speaker 01 Oh, she's not, she's in when I'm, she's not there. She's gone by that point. In the film, in the film, it's not, it's not that good of.
35:03 Speaker 02 In the film, we've both been done by our girlfriends. Wives and. Neil's case.
35:08 Speaker 01 Ah, the odd couple.
35:09 Speaker 02 Yes. So it's just the two of us.
35:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:12 Speaker 02 With our, with our, and we've both somehow got the pets in the divorce.
35:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
35:16 Speaker 02 And now we have to live together.
35:18 Speaker 01 And you've got to find the perfect orange.
35:19 Speaker 02 But I think that would be, so what would happen then in the film is my girlfriend would meet Neil.
35:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:24 Speaker 02 See the lurchers and the greyhounds fall in love with him.
35:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:27 Speaker 02 And then you would be like, I've met someone, I'm in love. They're going to move in the house if that's okay.
35:31 Speaker 01 I know the way this is going.
35:33 Speaker 02 And I'll be like, I support you, Neil. And then I'll be like, what the hell?
35:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:37 Speaker 02 That is my ex-girlfriend. I was in love with her.
35:39 Speaker 01 And before you ask, yes, you can write the soundtrack.
35:42 Speaker 03 Oh, cool. Well, that's the best bit. Yeah. I'll write the jolly songs. Yeah. About chocolate.
35:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:48 Speaker 02 Oh, good. Songs about chocolates.
35:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, no, Wonka, come on. All of the.
35:53 Speaker 03 Oh, that'll fit.
35:55 Speaker 01 Neil wrote all the songs for Wonka.
35:57 Speaker 02 Of course.
35:57 Speaker 03 Yes, and it was popular. I've been involved in something popular.
36:03 Speaker 03 Wonderful.
36:04 Speaker 01 Our friend Phil Wang was in Wonka. He did a dance.
36:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:07 Speaker 01 He did a dance.
36:08 Speaker 03 I met him on set. He, he'd broken his arm.
36:10 Speaker 01 Yes, he broke his arm doing a dance and fell off a table.
36:12 Speaker 03 Hmm.
36:13 Speaker 02 My nephews are really obsessed with Phil Wang because I, I won him in Taskmaster. So they're always like, ask me if Phil Wang's still at my house. And when they watched Wonka, they were so excited, but they know they're not meant to like talk and shout in the cinema. So they just looked over at each other and made a W sign with their hand.
36:30 Speaker 02 When I was on TV.
36:33 Speaker 01 The international sign for why.
36:34 Speaker 02 Even though they're watching Wonka.
36:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
36:36 Speaker 02 By the time they got the W.
36:46 Speaker 02 I don't know how we got on to any of that, but what is your dream men course?
36:49 Speaker 03 Christmas dinner.
36:51 Speaker 02 You are so Christmasy, man. You've got orange in your stockings and sherry.
36:55 Speaker 03 And Christmas doesn't happen with the same gusto as perhaps I would like, you know? As you get older, it's like, ah, can I be bothered putting all these decorations up when like, it's just us and maybe, you know, a parent or two, you know? But, uh, yeah, the food. I, I was just trying to think, be honest about the time when I'm eating, when I'm at my happiest.
37:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:18 Speaker 03 And that's during Christmas dinner because I like everything and I eat lots of it. I'd like a really, really big plate, please.
37:26 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
37:27 Speaker 01 How big, how big are we talking?
37:29 Speaker 03 You know those sort of oval serving dishes?
37:31 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
37:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, that kind of.
37:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:35 Speaker 01 I can see why you've just had an orange as a starter now.
37:38 Speaker 02 Perfect orange and then the biggest dinner ever.
37:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:43 Speaker 02 What we talking at the Hanukkah Christmas?
37:46 Speaker 03 Well, I mean, the best thing about Christmas dinner as a vegetarian is that it's, it's really all about the vegetables in a way, you know? And Kathy does absolutely amazing roasties, amazing gravy and, you know, amazing veg. And then I plunk a little cord roast in the middle of it, you know, or something. But you know how you're like, you can make me anything?
38:08 Speaker 02 Yes.
38:09 Speaker 03 And you know how they're trying to develop lab grown meat?
38:13 Speaker 02 Hmm.
38:14 Speaker 03 I want a massive lab grown steak.
38:16 Speaker 02 Yes.
38:17 Speaker 03 Please, in the middle.
38:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
38:18 Speaker 03 Oh, that would be so cool. Hurry up out there.
38:21 Speaker 02 Yes. It would taste better than any, um, it'd be better than any even meat steak.
38:28 Speaker 03 Well, it won't be happy because it was never alive.
38:30 Speaker 01 Yeah. Yeah, if anything, that's even more unhappy, isn't it?
38:33 Speaker 03 What, never being alive?
38:34 Speaker 01 Becoming a steak straight away?
38:35 Speaker 03 No, no, no, no.
38:37 Speaker 02 Instantly dead.
38:38 Speaker 01 Instantly dead.
38:39 Speaker 03 No, never.
38:40 Speaker 02 Immediately dead.
38:40 Speaker 03 Never conscious, never conscious. Shut up, you're ruining it.
38:44 Speaker 02 All this ever been is dead.
38:45 Speaker 01 That's a sad tale.
38:47 Speaker 02 Right away. Always dead.
38:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:50 Speaker 03 Anyway, Brussels sprouts.
38:51 Speaker 02 Yep.
38:52 Speaker 03 Parsnips.
38:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
38:54 Speaker 03 Carrots.
38:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
38:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, but they're sort of all done lengthways and sort of glazed.
39:00 Speaker 01 Are they roasted, right?
39:01 Speaker 03 Roasted, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know what she does. She's a magician, kind of like.
39:07 Speaker 01 You've got your very own journey.
39:08 Speaker 03 Like with the boiled spuds, kind of shaking them in the pan.
39:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, to make them all kind of gnih.
39:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:16 Speaker 02 And then. How's that spelled?
39:18 Speaker 03 N Y I C K G?
39:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:23 Speaker 03 Y I, there's got to be a G in that.
39:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
39:25 Speaker 01 I don't like it.
39:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
39:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:27 Speaker 01 What was, when did people start shaking the, shaking the tates?
39:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:31 Speaker 01 But, and what were you doing before?
39:32 Speaker 03 Don't ask me.
39:34 Speaker 02 Andre few thousand shakes his tate.
39:37 Speaker 03 That's the name of his new single.
39:38 Speaker 01 Yeah. Shake the tate is like a bolognese picture.
39:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:43 Speaker 02 He's like, I can't put this in a song, now I don't care.
39:45 Speaker 03 That is one of my favourite lyrics of this century.
39:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:48 Speaker 03 Is, um, what's the bit before? Oh God, I've forgotten. But it ends up with like, lend me some sugar. I am your neighbour.
39:56 Speaker 02 Yeah. I wanna see you all in your baddest behaviour.
39:58 Speaker 03 That's it.
39:59 Speaker 02 Let me some sugar, I am your neighbour.
40:00 Speaker 03 I know. And that's perfect.
40:02 Speaker 01 You actually shouldn't shake Polaroid pictures, though.
40:05 Speaker 02 Yeah. And, and if you're gonna let me some sugar, I want you in your best behaviour.
40:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:11 Speaker 03 Or else you might drop it.
40:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
40:13 Speaker 03 Sugar everywhere in my new apartment.
40:18 Speaker 02 But that's why it's such a genius song. It makes us forget the actual, actual way the world works and what we like from life. We just completely buy into his way of thinking.
40:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, I bet it'd be nuts, though, having him as a neighbour.
40:31 Speaker 02 Especially during that phase of career.
40:35 Speaker 02 But he's old, you know. He, he, he's made that clear.
40:38 Speaker 03 I'm sure he's not that old. He's probably my age.
40:41 Speaker 01 He said he's too old to rap now, but you know, he probably goes to bed earlier.
40:45 Speaker 02 Yeah. He said, he said that no one wants to hear him rap about colonoscopies.
40:49 Speaker 03 But I wonder if he still raps at home, you know, just in his own time.
40:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
40:54 Speaker 03 To get the raps out.
40:57 Speaker 01 What, just in the morning, just?
40:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:59 Speaker 01 I'm gonna have a coffee.
41:01 Speaker 03 Oh God.
41:02 Speaker 02 Do you know what? I think you're right. He shouldn't release music anymore. If that's what his, if that's what his rap is, I'm gonna have a coffee.
41:11 Speaker 01 It won't taste like taffy.
41:13 Speaker 02 Yeah. Imagine, imagine if, hey, all, all these rap fans all around the world have gone like, Andre, we just want you to do another rap album, please. And then he releases it and it's, I'm gonna have a coffee. It won't taste like taffy. And everyone's like, oh, he was right. He's completely lost it now, as an older guy. And this is the worst thing we've ever heard. I'm sorry for doubting you and pushing you in a direction you don't wanna go in. You're the artist, you do know what's best.
41:42 Speaker 03 Yeah. Here's your flute back.
41:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
41:45 Speaker 01 Oh no, I burnt my toast.
41:49 Speaker 03 He can't rap, he's the host.
41:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, that does work. That works too well.
41:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, that works too well. That's too good.
41:57 Speaker 01 I really enjoy doing raps where it's just the first line and then just stopping.
42:03 Speaker 02 That was a whole album. If it was a bunch of first lines and no, if it was just like, I'm gonna have a coffee.
42:11 Speaker 02 I'm going to have some jokes. Oh, god damn it.
42:16 Speaker 02 So easy to rhyme with as well. Oh, yeah, really easy rhyme. Yeah.
42:21 Speaker 03 I sort of did rap a tiny bit on a song called Office Politics on the last proper album. But it came out as that sort of Neil Tennant rap.
42:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
42:32 Speaker 03 You know, that sort of, so Hillary smiles.
42:37 Speaker 02 That's great.
42:39 Speaker 03 And, yeah, that's the best I can do.
42:42 Speaker 02 But I think that's appropriate. You're going like, this works for me, this will suit one of our songs.
42:47 Speaker 03 Exactly.
42:47 Speaker 02 It's the worst when suddenly out of nowhere, someone who's not a rapper tries to rap proper on one of their songs and they've never done it before.
42:55 Speaker 03 Yes, there was a one time when my daughter was quite young and I'd done something silly with the peas. And I said, oh, my bag.
43:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:06 Speaker 03 Because I thought that's what it was.
43:08 Speaker 02 You thought, you thought they said my bag?
43:11 Speaker 03 I thought they said my bag.
43:12 Speaker 01 I thought that was the phrase, my bag.
43:17 Speaker 01 That doesn't even make sense.
43:19 Speaker 02 You've done something with the peas.
43:20 Speaker 01 Yeah. So what have you done wrong with the peas?
43:23 Speaker 02 You had a bag of peas.
43:24 Speaker 03 I can't remember that.
43:24 Speaker 02 You did something wrong. And to apologize, you said my bag.
43:30 Speaker 03 I don't know whether I thought it referred to, like, I can't imagine what I thought.
43:35 Speaker 02 I guess people would say that's not my bag.
43:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's not my bag. Yeah.
43:39 Speaker 02 Because that person, you're kind of confused the two phrases a little bit. Are you going, hey, my bag?
43:43 Speaker 03 So desperately unhip.
43:46 Speaker 02 Imagine if you did something wrong at like baggage claim or something. And my bag's like, that's not, that's not your bag.
43:53 Speaker 01 So that is not your bag. You're not making mistakes.
43:55 Speaker 02 This is the whole root of the problem, is that you keep on picking up the wrong bag. Now, you've got all these things on your Christmas dinner.
44:00 Speaker 03 The condiments.
44:01 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, we've got to talk about the condiments.
44:03 Speaker 03 The best bit.
44:03 Speaker 02 Sorry, condiments are the best bit and we're going to do the condiments right now.
44:06 Speaker 03 Cranberry sauce, porridge radish.
44:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:09 Speaker 03 Mint sauce.
44:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:11 Speaker 03 Bread sauce. English mustard, Dijon mustard.
44:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:16 Speaker 03 Have I forgotten anything? Anything else that's around? Bali Malu, relish, whatever.
44:21 Speaker 02 What's that, relish?
44:22 Speaker 03 Oh, Bali Malu, do you not have it over here?
44:24 Speaker 02 No, no, no.
44:25 Speaker 01 It's lovely.
44:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's from this range of products called Bali Malu. But it's like Branston a bit, but it's sweeter and it's kind of sort of a ready brand. It's really lovely. Lots of sort of sultanas crop up in it and stuff like this.
44:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's very good in sandwiches.
44:45 Speaker 01 Nice.
44:45 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:47 Speaker 03 I have a bread sauce story.
44:50 Speaker 01 Is it about the time your mum threw you some bread and you played with it too much?
44:54 Speaker 03 No, no, but it did occur in my my parents' house, like maybe 10 years ago. I was, you know, my brother's families were there as well. Everybody was there. It was Christmas. I thought, I am going to make the bread sauce. I'm gonna cut to the chase. It said, you know, I'd flavored it with like cinnamon things and like apple, whatever. I and then it said sieve. I put the sieve there and I
45:22 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
45:23 Speaker 03 Put the pot, just threw it all down the sink.
45:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:27 Speaker 01 You saved the sauce.
45:28 Speaker 03 I saved the sauce the wrong way around.
45:31 Speaker 01 They said, my bag.
45:33 Speaker 03 My bag. Yeah. I hope it catches on.
45:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, my bag. I think it will.
45:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:39 Speaker 01 And and sink bread sauce as well, have that catches on.
45:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:42 Speaker 01 People only have it out of the sink.
45:45 Speaker 01 Have you successfully made bread sauce since?
45:47 Speaker 03 I never tried to cook again.
45:50 Speaker 03 I just, I learned my lesson and I'm so bad. Yeah, I can I can do a boiled egg. Yeah.
45:56 Speaker 01 That's pretty good.
45:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:57 Speaker 01 How long are you? How long are you boiling the egg for?
45:59 Speaker 03 Put it straight in the cold water before it starts to heat and then from four minutes from when it boils.
46:05 Speaker 01 Nice.
46:07 Speaker 03 Perfect every time.
46:09 Speaker 01 Peels perfectly?
46:10 Speaker 03 Genius.
46:11 Speaker 01 Peels perfectly? Do you get?
46:13 Speaker 03 Well, I mean, I I I take the top off with a spoon.
46:15 Speaker 01 Okay, and then you're?
46:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, I don't leave it to cool and then peel it like.
46:20 Speaker 01 I had egg in a cup this morning.
46:22 Speaker 03 Oh, like sort of with toast in it or or just smashed?
46:25 Speaker 01 I just mashed it up.
46:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:27 Speaker 01 Put some a little bit of butter in there, salt and pepper, a little bit of chili.
46:31 Speaker 03 As kids, but we'd obviously fire some bread in there.
46:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course. Yeah. Run over to the other side of the room, get your mum to lob it.
46:38 Speaker 02 Dream side, dream side dish.
46:40 Speaker 03 I hadn't thought about this. I don't have it on my notes.
46:44 Speaker 02 I mean, if you just want all your Christmas.
46:45 Speaker 01 I mean, you sort of do have sides. It's a plate of sides.
46:48 Speaker 02 You've got plenty of sides there.
46:50 Speaker 03 Sides galore. I mean, I should probably say the wilted spinach.
46:56 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
46:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, I like that. Yeah, with, you know, butter and maybe garlic, is it?
47:01 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, I want some garlic in there.
47:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:03 Speaker 02 For sure.
47:04 Speaker 03 Cool. There you go.
47:06 Speaker 02 Happy with that?
47:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:08 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah?
47:09 Speaker 03 It's funny, I already mentioned Neil Tennant. You were going to ask me about drinks, maybe?
47:14 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, at some point. Would you like, would you like me to do that now?
47:18 Speaker 03 Would you?
47:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got very excited about Neil Tennant.
47:27 Speaker 03 I just remembered, I want the finest wine known to humanity.
47:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
47:32 Speaker 03 And.
47:32 Speaker 02 You got so excited about this when you remembered it was coming up.
47:35 Speaker 03 Well, I just thought, I don't know much about wine, but I know the good stuff from the bad stuff when I'm given it. And the best wine I ever got given was by Neil Tennant. He took us out to dinner when I was gonna do, I've been to a marvelous party for the the Terence Higgins Trust album that he did in the late 90s. And he didn't need to take us out to dinner, but he did, and it was great. And he said, what sort of wine do you like? And I went, I don't know. I went, I will get this one. And it was the greatest thing I've ever tasted in my life.
48:11 Speaker 02 Oh, wow.
48:13 Speaker 03 Money counts, I think, when it comes to wine. I really do.
48:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
48:16 Speaker 03 You know, you get some great wines for, you know, 20 quid or whatever. But if you go up to like, you know, I don't even want to say it's too awful.
48:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:27 Speaker 03 Because I looked at the menu as to what he'd pointed to later and, I mean, it was.
48:33 Speaker 01 Come on, tell us, tell us how much it was. Tell us how much tenant was dropping.
48:37 Speaker 03 I mean, it's, I think it was about 800 quid or something like that.
48:41 Speaker 02 Wow, tenant.
48:43 Speaker 03 I just didn't know it was possible to spend that much money on a drink.
48:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, but it was the greatest thing you've ever tasted.
48:50 Speaker 03 It was the greatest thing I'd ever tasted, yeah.
48:51 Speaker 02 I mean, I have no idea about wine at all. I'm like you. I don't really know the difference. When I'm given good stuff, I do immediately recognise that that's delicious and other stuff isn't. And anytime we've been invited to a fancy thing because of this podcast and it is specifically wine based, then that's what they're trying to showcase. And they go, here's this super expensive, crazy wine that's like this old. And you hear all that description and you do drink it and go, yeah.
49:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's nice. Yeah.
49:23 Speaker 02 And in a way that almost makes me angry that as someone who doesn't, and I don't love wine, so therefore I don't really like, I won't order it most of the time, but this ridiculous, expensive, super incredibly made stuff is one of the nicest drinks in the world. I do get a little bit annoyed that that's just not the wine that everyone has.
49:42 Speaker 01 And it's not accessible to you every day.
49:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's like, oh, great. It's a secret little drink just for the.
49:50 Speaker 03 Should I be actually charging 800 quid for my new album? Yeah, because it's obviously better than everybody else.
49:56 Speaker 01 I think so.
49:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
49:58 Speaker 01 You should do that. Go the whole woo tag and just release one copy.
50:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:02 Speaker 03 It crossed my mind on occasion, but you just can't imagine making, putting all that effort into something and then one person gets to listen to it.
50:11 Speaker 01 But we don't know how much effort they put into it. We've not heard it.
50:14 Speaker 03 It might be knocked it off on a Wednesday afternoon.
50:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, because only, well, only Martin Shkrally's heard it.
50:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, it says, I'm gonna make a coffee.
50:23 Speaker 01 Get some toast.
50:25 Speaker 03 Wu-Tang.
50:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, could just be that.
50:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:27 Speaker 02 I'm trying to think of like, uh, combining the breakfast thing with a pre-existing Wu-Tang song.
50:33 Speaker 03 Hmm.
50:33 Speaker 02 So, but I can't.
50:35 Speaker 03 It's too early in the morning for me to be able to do that.
50:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:38 Speaker 03 Brilliant. Try and bring the ruckus.
50:41 Speaker 02 Bring the breakfast. You could just be, be bring the breakfast.
50:45 Speaker 01 Bring the breakfast, bring the motherfucking breakfast.
50:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, bring the motherfucking breakfast. I listen to that.
50:50 Speaker 03 I would definitely listen to that.
50:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Switch if I was the only one. Imagine if that was, that, that album is just Thirty Six Chambers again.
50:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:58 Speaker 02 But about breakfast and every single song is about breakfast. And you're listening to it going, if you just re-recorded Thirty Six Chambers, but you're singing about breakfast. Yeah. And no one's gonna believe you that that's what we did. Enjoy listening to it.
51:11 Speaker 03 And you've just paid a million quid for that.
51:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. So there you go.
51:14 Speaker 01 You can never tell anybody.
51:17 Speaker 02 Um, so you want the Neil Tennant eight hundred pound wine?
51:20 Speaker 03 Yes.
51:20 Speaker 02 Do you, do you want Neil Tennant to be there?
51:22 Speaker 03 Yes.
51:23 Speaker 02 You'd like him to join you for the drink?
51:25 Speaker 03 Well, I can't say no, can I?
51:26 Speaker 02 He's paying for it.
51:27 Speaker 03 He's paying for it. Yeah, exactly. He's gotta be involved.
51:29 Speaker 01 Do you remember anything about the wine, what it was specifically, or just that it was eight hundred pounds of the best thing you've ever tasted?
51:36 Speaker 02 Red?
51:37 Speaker 03 It was red.
51:37 Speaker 01 Yes.
51:38 Speaker 03 And, uh, I liked it.
51:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:42 Speaker 03 No, I mean, I was so completely like, oh my God, I, I'm a silly little Northern Irish dweeb and here I am in a fancy London restaurant. You know, being wined and dined by one of my musical heroes. It was astonishing.
51:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, I still feel like that all the time. The amount of times I've, I literally do think to myself, I'm from Kettering. I literally go, I'm a little boy from Kettering. I've got, I've somehow got in here and they, they have no idea.
52:08 Speaker 03 I don't even know where Kettering is.
52:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
52:10 Speaker 01 The amount of times I think, I'm from London, I deserve this.
52:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Different life.
52:17 Speaker 02 Unless, unless you're in a place like Kettering, what the fuck am I doing here?
52:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:21 Speaker 02 I'm from London, I'm from London, I'm quite.
52:24 Speaker 02 This wine's very cheap.
52:30 Speaker 04 Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.
52:36 Speaker 05 Love the crown molding.
52:38 Speaker 04 Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.
52:42 Speaker 05 Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.
52:45 Speaker 04 No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.
52:49 Speaker 05 No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.
52:52 Speaker 04 Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.
52:55 Speaker 06 Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.
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53:36 Speaker 01 You arrive at your dream dessert, in that case.
53:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, I have an actual dessert that I really like, and it doesn't mess with my teeth too much.
53:45 Speaker 01 That's good.
53:46 Speaker 03 So it's poached pears in sort of, you know, wine and brown sugar and cinnamon and, you know, nice little... oh, God, the ice cream, that's gonna set my teeth off.
54:01 Speaker 01 But you know, for this meal, this is the dream restaurant.
54:04 Speaker 03 Can I have Genie Bent Densures?
54:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:07 Speaker 03 Just for this meal?
54:08 Speaker 01 You can have Genie Turkey Teeth for this whole meal.
54:11 Speaker 02 Turkeys don't have teeth, man.
54:13 Speaker 03 We have two turkeys, yeah.
54:14 Speaker 01 Do you?
54:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:15 Speaker 01 And you picked Christmas dinner as your dream meal?
54:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, but I'm not eating them. That's the whole point.
54:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the always dead steak.
54:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:24 Speaker 03 Never alive.
54:26 Speaker 02 Have you named the turkeys?
54:29 Speaker 03 Well, they're out in the rescue sort of section of our lives, which is Cathy's domain. I've seen them and they're they're quite unattractive. I'm sorry, she loves them and I don't want to say anything about them, but I bet they're they're really nice people. When you get to know them.
54:46 Speaker 01 You're gonna be in so much trouble when this comes out.
54:48 Speaker 03 Oh, but you know, there's so many other animals, like endless piggies that are absolutely gorgeous and so so fun to be around.
54:55 Speaker 01 How many how many animals would you say are on?
54:57 Speaker 03 About 170 odd.
55:01 Speaker 02 In the rescue?
55:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, around us, around the house.
55:05 Speaker 02 Around the house?
55:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, in the our fields, yeah, we.
55:09 Speaker 02 This is great.
55:10 Speaker 03 Fields.
55:11 Speaker 02 Fields of loads of animals.
55:12 Speaker 03 Loads of animals.
55:13 Speaker 01 Is it quite noisy, having that many animals?
55:15 Speaker 03 At dinnertime, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, to the uninitiated, it would sound like the sixth circle of hell, you know, at about 4:30 in the afternoon. But you get used to it.
55:30 Speaker 02 I love this.
55:31 Speaker 03 It's great. We've got sheep and donkeys and mahonies and all sorts. Yeah, you know, only kept going by the wonderful donations of the Irish public.
55:42 Speaker 02 Do you want to shout out the?
55:44 Speaker 03 My Lovely Horse Rescue.
55:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, what's it? Is it called My Lovely Horse Rescue?
55:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
55:48 Speaker 02 Great.
55:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
55:49 Speaker 02 So that's where people could donate and support all these animals?
55:52 Speaker 03 Absolutely. That would be amazing if you could out there. Thank you.
55:55 Speaker 02 So these poached pears feels very Christmasy again.
55:59 Speaker 03 It does, doesn't it?
56:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:00 Speaker 03 I I think that's all I'm really ever looking for is.
56:07 Speaker 03 Nativ- oh, God.
56:10 Speaker 01 Ladder?
56:11 Speaker 03 You can cut stuff out of these things, can't you?
56:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, but Ed guessed ladder again. That was funny. So probably keep that in.
56:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, I just have Christmasy nostalgia.
56:22 Speaker 01 Really?
56:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:23 Speaker 02 Do you think that's because of growing up in the rectum?
56:26 Speaker 03 In the rectum? No, I think it's because I liked everything to do with, you know, the darkness, but with the little lights. And then it was sort of mysterious in a weird way. It was definitely changed from, you know, the various riots outside.
56:46 Speaker 01 Sure, sure.
56:47 Speaker 03 Yeah. No, I must stress that I didn't have a Dickensian childhood. It was very nice. My parents were wonderful, bringer uppers.
56:56 Speaker 02 I mean, that sounded very much like you being forced to say that, but like, we believe you.
57:02 Speaker 03 And I love my wife.
57:03 Speaker 02 Vanilla ice cream with these pears then?
57:08 Speaker 03 Yes, that I can eat with no pain.
57:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:11 Speaker 03 Oh, that'd be amazing. You know, I've really got to get my teeth fixed.
57:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, this is amazing. You're coming out of this episode.
57:17 Speaker 03 Exactly, yeah.
57:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, people can donate.
57:20 Speaker 03 To my teeth restoration fund.
57:24 Speaker 02 Really, if he's listening.
57:26 Speaker 03 Well, basically, how you do that is buy the album or come to the shows or buy the merch.
57:30 Speaker 02 If you want to fund Neil's teeth.
57:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:32 Speaker 01 Buy a hanky.
57:33 Speaker 03 Yeah. I mean, the main thing is I'm just terrified of dentists, so I end up going every four years, you know? And so, no wonder.
57:41 Speaker 02 I see. Yeah, so that's the, I mean, what if David Tennant was your dentist? You'd like him?
57:46 Speaker 01 Neil Tennant.
57:47 Speaker 03 Neil Tennant, perhaps.
57:48 Speaker 02 Sorry, Neil Tennant.
57:49 Speaker 01 But what if David Tennant was your dentist?
57:50 Speaker 02 What if David Tennant? I've been thinking David Tennant the whole time.
57:54 Speaker 03 Have you?
57:55 Speaker 02 If I'm in that story, I was thinking of David Tennant.
57:57 Speaker 03 But when I said musical hero.
58:00 Speaker 02 Yeah. Neil said musical hero. Well, I thought, well, he did that cover of Sunshine on Leaf. For Comic Relief.
58:07 Speaker 01 And weirdly, when I hear the name Neil Tennant, I think of my history teacher, Neil Tackley.
58:11 Speaker 03 The coincidence will go on.
58:18 Speaker 03 He took me to see Static X when we were on a school trip.
58:20 Speaker 01 Wow.
58:22 Speaker 03 To who?
58:22 Speaker 01 That's crazy.
58:23 Speaker 03 Static X, another one of your musical heroes? No?
58:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, a nu- a nu metal.
58:27 Speaker 03 I don't know that.
58:28 Speaker 01 Band where the singer had very tall hair spiked up really, really high.
58:33 Speaker 03 Was he very short? Was it like a troll?
58:35 Speaker 01 No, he was quite.
58:36 Speaker 03 No, he was quite tall.
58:36 Speaker 01 He was quite tall and then even taller hair. And then they'd always ask him, how do you get your hair so tall and spiky? And he just would say, come, put come in it.
58:45 Speaker 03 Oh, delightful.
58:46 Speaker 01 He actually then revealed how he did it, which was to make sugar solution. He would literally make caramel and put it in his hair.
58:52 Speaker 03 That's how they used to do it in the Goth days.
58:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
58:55 Speaker 01 He's since passed away and get this, they've replaced him with a man wearing a mask and big fake hair.
59:01 Speaker 03 Really?
59:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:02 Speaker 03 Well, it's all the rage, the whole mask thing.
59:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:05 Speaker 03 Should I get one?
59:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, you could get one.
59:08 Speaker 03 Hide my teeth.
59:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. But the mask could have like massive teeth on it.
59:14 Speaker 03 I think I'd get a mask that looked exactly like me.
59:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:17 Speaker 03 It would just be like a Neil mask or maybe Neil Tennant's face.
59:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:22 Speaker 01 Don't have it.
59:23 Speaker 03 I feel like, uh, poor Neil Tennant, he, he said some nice things about us when we sort of first started when something for the weekend came out. Like, I feel like I could pass the baton on to, to this band. And it was like, that is incredible. I feel like I might have let him down.
59:41 Speaker 01 No, no, no. You've taken that baton, you've been running with it.
59:45 Speaker 03 No, I keep making, you know, not very poppy music. So, uh, you know, and I liked Radiohead and he really didn't.
59:56 Speaker 01 I've got a question for you, Neil. Do you like pizza?
59:59 Speaker 03 Bloody love pizza.
1:00:00 Speaker 01 Okay, well, I've got an apology to make. Do you remember in 2006, uh, when you played, um, it was in Durham, Durham University. It was, you were a surprise band at something called Cuthbert Day at Durham University. Do you, it's a long time ago.
1:00:14 Speaker 03 That wasn't the one that was complete debacle.
1:00:17 Speaker 01 Probably, it was outside, outside the college bar, almost certainly that one. Durham University and I was in a sketch group and we were on before, we were on before you.
1:00:26 Speaker 03 No way.
1:00:26 Speaker 01 Yeah. And, um, I got, well, we all got very drunk and I think we ended up stealing your pizza.
1:00:34 Speaker 01 I woke up the next morning and some pizza had been bought for you and left backstage. And then I woke up the next morning, I had slices of pizza in my pockets.
1:00:40 Speaker 03 I feel like it's more likely that, you know, Jerry and Warren from my crew would remember this and have a real hatred of the support band.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:49 Speaker 03 But because, I mean, basically you'd got cowboys to get your P A together. You know, they'd left you completely in the lurch, nothing worked. And, uh, you know, our crew were like off trying to source like cables and P A and stuff. Uh, and in the end, it was like going back to nineteen eighty seven and our first gigs like with somebody's loaned amp that kind of worked.
1:01:18 Speaker 01 Right.
1:01:18 Speaker 03 You know, and playing National Express like it sounded like a banjo, you know? That's all I can remember. And because it was such a shit show, we all got legless.
1:01:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:29 Speaker 03 Yeah. Uh, so pizza would have come in really.
1:01:33 Speaker 01 It's a difficult day at work, the all you want is just a lovely slice of pizza.
1:01:37 Speaker 03 That's so delightful that you, uh, supported them.
1:01:39 Speaker 01 Yeah. I'm doing like doing bad comedy sketches as well.
1:01:44 Speaker 02 That's what you want, isn't it? Get the crowd revved up.
1:01:46 Speaker 03 Yeah. Brilliant. Oh, and they were really revved up by the time. They didn't care what the hell we sounded like. Yeah.
1:01:53 Speaker 02 I read you your menu back now, see how you feel about it. You would like still water from Northern Ireland, not from London, not London, bitty stuff.
1:02:01 Speaker 01 Dairy taps.
1:02:02 Speaker 02 Dairy taps. You would like white bread from Melander Bakery with flora plant based salted butter thrown at you by your mother. Starter, you would like the perfect orange and a glass of sherry. Main course, a really big serving plate full of Christmas dinner. Side dish, wilted spinach with butter and garlic. Drink, Neil Tennant's wine. Dessert.
1:02:24 Speaker 01 Not David Tennant.
1:02:25 Speaker 02 Not David Tennant.
1:02:27 Speaker 03 No.
1:02:27 Speaker 02 He's not allowed in the restaurant.
1:02:28 Speaker 03 Although he's good too.
1:02:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, I bet he could still afford that wine.
1:02:31 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:02:33 Speaker 02 Dessert, poached pears in wine, sugar and cinnamon with vanilla ice cream and your special turkey tete.
1:02:40 Speaker 03 Brilliant. I want it right now.
1:02:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's so Christmassy. I mean, just for the listener, it's boiling today.
1:02:47 Speaker 02 It's a boiling hot day. You've got a long while to wait until you get something like that.
1:02:52 Speaker 03 I'm going to see if my wife will make it for me when I go home.
1:02:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, you'd better.
1:02:56 Speaker 03 Because then I'm going on tour most of the autumn, so.
1:02:59 Speaker 01 Oh, of course, yeah. Difficult to find the perfect orange, though. Well, we wish you luck on the quest for the perfect orange.
1:03:07 Speaker 03 If anyone can, Cathy can.
1:03:09 Speaker 01 What a lovely way to end. Thanks so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Neil.
1:03:13 Speaker 03 It was my pleasure, guys. Thanks for having me.
1:03:15 Speaker 02 Thank you, Neil.
1:03:21 Speaker 01 There we are, James, the wonderful Neil Hannon.
1:03:24 Speaker 02 A lovely Christmassy meal.
1:03:25 Speaker 01 Really Christmassy.
1:03:26 Speaker 02 So festive.
1:03:27 Speaker 01 Love the perfect orange. It's rare we talk about the platonic ideals of simple things.
1:03:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I would say that he's got it right about the orange there.
1:03:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:39 Speaker 02 All those qualities I would also want, although I've got more of a hard line about the piff. Just get rid of it.
1:03:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, you want it to be in the shape of a bra and nicks.
1:03:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:03:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:49 Speaker 02 I do.
1:03:50 Speaker 01 That's what you said, yeah.
1:03:51 Speaker 02 That's what I said. Rainy Sunday Afternoon is out on September the 19th.
1:03:55 Speaker 01 When you say rainy Sunday afternoon, which is of course the new Divine Comedy album, it sounds like you said Rennie's Sunday Afternoon.
1:04:01 Speaker 02 Which would be good after that meal.
1:04:03 Speaker 01 I've had a few of those, I tell you. I've had a few rainy Sunday afternoons.
1:04:07 Speaker 02 I tell you.
1:04:08 Speaker 01 I tell you, mate.
1:04:10 Speaker 02 I'll have a tell you.
1:04:13 Speaker 01 I'll tell you that for nothing.
1:04:15 Speaker 02 I've been on the train in here and someone say that is always after something just completely boring.
1:04:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:22 Speaker 01 I tell you.
1:04:23 Speaker 02 I had a banana the other day, I tell you.
1:04:27 Speaker 01 I like I tell you that for nothing as well.
1:04:28 Speaker 02 Tell you that for nothing.
1:04:29 Speaker 01 Because we can't say that ever, really, on stage.
1:04:33 Speaker 02 We can't say tell you this for nothing.
1:04:34 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:34 Speaker 02 They've paid.
1:04:34 Speaker 01 They've paid.
1:04:35 Speaker 02 We'd have to do a free entry gig.
1:04:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:38 Speaker 02 Or maybe we could do it like, we'll just be clear, like, that's the end of the paid content.
1:04:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:42 Speaker 02 Of the gig.
1:04:43 Speaker 01 And now.
1:04:44 Speaker 02 I'll tell you this for nothing.
1:04:45 Speaker 01 I'll tell you this for nothing.
1:04:46 Speaker 02 And it's all shit. Make sure you keep in mind that this is for nothing.
1:04:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is for nothing, by the way.
1:04:51 Speaker 02 It's for nothing. You can leave whatever you want. It's really bad. The Divine Comedy are going on tour October 2025, all over the place. Glasgow, Wolverhampton, Bath.
1:05:03 Speaker 01 There you go. TheDivineComedy.com for tickets. Thanks so much to Neil. Thanks so much to you for listening. We'll see you next time.
1:05:09 Speaker 02 Thank you, Neil, for not saying crisps and tea.
1:05:11 Speaker 01 Oh, yes. Thank you. Or tea and crisps, actually.
1:05:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:05:14 Speaker 01 Tea was mentioned, but only about how he had to have milk in it.
1:05:17 Speaker 02 Yes, but it didn't make the menu.
1:05:19 Speaker 01 No, nice wine did.
1:05:21 Speaker 02 Nice wine.
1:05:22 Speaker 01 And a little sherry with the perfect orange.
1:05:25 Speaker 02 Yes, but no tea, no crisps. So Neil stays in. But that shouldn't stop you all from debating online whether we should have kicked Neil out if he said tea and crisps.
1:05:33 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:05:34 Speaker 02 So make sure you tweet the great Benito about that.
1:05:37 Speaker 01 Tweet the great Benito.
1:05:38 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:05:40 Speaker 01 I'm touring Europe in November.
1:05:42 Speaker 02 Fantastic.
1:05:43 Speaker 01 So go to edgamble.co.uk for details on that. I'm going to some places I've never been before.
1:05:50 Speaker 02 Oh, wow.
1:05:51 Speaker 01 And let me tell you, tickets are going great guns in some places.
1:05:54 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
1:05:54 Speaker 01 And some places we need to get the word out.
1:05:56 Speaker 02 Interesting.
1:05:58 Speaker 01 Hmm.
1:05:58 Speaker 02 You want to name drop one of those places so people know to go to those ones especially?
1:06:02 Speaker 01 It's mad I've not sold more in Lisbon.
1:06:03 Speaker 02 Come on, Lisbonites. You gotta go.
1:06:07 Speaker 01 Yes, I'm touring Europe. edgamble.co.uk. I'm touring America next year. Don't know what dates we've announced and what we haven't yet. Definitely LA and New York are out there and there's
1:06:17 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:06:17 Speaker 01 maybe a couple of tickets available for LA. But yeah, I should be doing some more as well. So keep an eye open for that.
1:06:24 Speaker 02 And don't forget to get online and download the bonus disc, the Divine Comedy bonus disc.
1:06:30 Speaker 01 Yes, absolutely. That's the main thing that we want to put out there into the world.
1:06:33 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:06:34 Speaker 01 Get the bonus album. We'll see you next time. Bye bye.
1:06:36 Speaker 02 Goodbye.
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Previous Marian Keyes Next Mawaan Rizwan Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated