Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)

It’s another Tasting Menu episode, and this time stand-up, activist and original cheeseboard-picker Jen Brister returns for a hellish menu. Jen Brister is on tour now with ‘Reactive’. For dates and tickets go to jenbrister.co.uk https://www.jenbrister.co.uk/ Donate to All Our Relations at allourrelations.co.uk https://allourrelations.co.uk/ Follow Jen on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jenbristercomedy and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@jenbristercomedy @jenbristercomedy Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 16 Oct. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Uh-oh, it's a tasting menu.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  I love the tasting menus. Is there anything I say at the top?

• 0:21Speaker 00

  I think, well, no, because normally you look confused because I don't do my normal intro to the pod.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  It's the off-menu podcast, by the way, but it's a tasting menu, which means we have a previous guest on. And we give them the menu of another previous guest.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  It's a really good format.

• 0:35Speaker 00

  It's a really good format and it's been a hit.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's been a hit.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  It's been a hit.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  And guess who we've got?

• 0:42Speaker 00

  I don't need to guess.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 0:44Speaker 00

  I don't need to guess. I know who we've got.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  This week, being given an off-menu tasting menu is Jen Brista.

• 0:53Speaker 00

  The wonderful Jen Brista. What a fantastic comedian and person she is, James.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Such a wonderful comic. Now, when Jen was on this podcast originally, I was very mean to her and shouted at her. She was one of the first people, the earliest people to choose a cheese board.

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  I absolutely flew off the handle. I was livid. So this might be more of a redemption episode for me.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  Yes, I think so.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can maybe learn from my past behaviour, conduct myself with a bit more dignity and just practise some good manners, I think.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  It hasn't happened yet, I don't think, in your life.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Not yet.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  Where you've learnt from previous mistakes and conducted yourself in a

• 1:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  in a sort of human and polite way.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Yes, and that's what makes this so exciting. I might finally do it.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:37Speaker 01

  And I'll be pretty happy with that, you know, Jen's a good, that's a good opportunity.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  I think Jen would allow me that. I do worry that maybe already not done that because the menu

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  that we're going to give Jen. Uh, is the menu of Joel Domit.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  We're giving her Joel Domit's menu.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  Instantly rude of us.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  The first bad menu we had on the podcast, I think, and still is probably up there with the, with the worst ever.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, it's really, the listeners still haven't let it go.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  It's still not out of his life.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  And we're about to introduce it into someone else's life who

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  I'm pretty sure has no idea about it.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  And does not want it.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  Jen will not want this.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  I can't imagine Jen wanting this meal. It would have been something, if we got back, you know, someone who had had a bad menu.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  And gave them this, I mean, that would be interesting to do in the future.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  In the future, we should probably get someone who's, that menu was awful.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Give them another awful menu and they might be like, this is delicious.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  I love it. But this is not going to be the case today. We're deliberately annoying Jen because it's funny to us when Jen gets angry.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Jen is very funny when she's angry. So, yeah, I mean, we're just getting a friend on and ruining their day.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Yes, apologies, Jen, because Jen is a wonderful person. She's doing wonderful things at the moment. Her nonprofit, All Our Relations, is fantastic. Uh, they, they put gigs on, but also you can go, uh, to their website and donate. They're helping families in Gaza, uh, supporting them in crisis, providing them with legal, logistical and emotional support, uh, that they need to rebuild their lives with dignity. So you can, uh, give monthly, uh, you can donate, uh, today, whatever you want to do, whatever you can give, obviously, at the minute, the situation in Gaza, uh, needs all of us, uh, behind it and all of us helping everybody there. I mean, it is, as, as it says on the website, a crisis.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Yes, absolutely. So go to allourrelations.co.uk and you can donate to this brilliant nonprofit, which is helmed by the amazing Jen Brister. Having said all of that, we love Jen and we love all the work she's doing, both creatively and for charity, but we have got her into the studio to make her angry.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, it doesn't reflect great on us.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  Really, when you think about it, it doesn't reflect very well on us at all, but, you know, rarely do we come out of this podcast smelling of roses.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  No, very true. Uh, no secret ingredient today though, so Jen will not be kicked out. She'll just have to live in her anger.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  Yes, she can thank us for that.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  So let's get on with it. This is the tasting menu of Jen Brister.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Welcome back Jen to the Dream Restaurant.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  Good to see you Jen.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Wow guys, after the last time I was here, so much has happened and my tastes have changed dramatically.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Have they?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Yes, so whatever you're gonna offer me, I think you think you know what I'm gonna like, but you don't. Because honestly, as you get older, your tastes, they really, they can do a complete handbrake turn.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Really?

• 4:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  So talk us, talk us through it then, compared to, because it's been a long time since you've been in the Dream Restaurant.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  It's been a long time and I feel like last time, there was some kind of a hoo-ha about dessert.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Right.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, you chose a cheese board.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  I chose the cheese board, which.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  Oh, I just remembered that, I'd forgotten.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:48Speaker 02

  How could you forget that?

• 4:49Speaker 00

  One of the first people to choose a cheese board.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Because a few people have since.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Chosen a cheese board, did they get the same reaction that I got when I chose? Okay, good, fine, because that was quite extreme.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  The worst was on, we did one on Zoom during lockdown with Dolly Alderton and James shut his laptop and logged out the Zoom.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  Why, what did Dolly choose?

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Cheese board.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Oh, good for her.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  That's the treat that she got.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  This is exactly why Dolly and I connect, over cheese.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Over cheese.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  But have your tastes changed?

• 5:17Speaker 02

  My tastes may have changed, so I don't want you to be assuming that I will be anti pudding.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Are you telling me that you would choose a actual dessert now?

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I might.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Like, if we were to do your dream menu all over again, you might not choose a cheese board?

• 5:31Speaker 02

  I might not.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  Something to think about.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  You still like cheese, right?

• 5:34Speaker 02

  I still love cheese.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe I had an effect on you, had an influence on you, but yeah, it was tough love, but it's changed, changed you for the better.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Is that what you're saying?

• 5:43Speaker 02

  No, I'm just saying that I've matured.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Like a fine cheddar.

• 5:47Speaker 02

  Like a fine, exactly. I'm just saying that I'm not, I'm more complicated than you think I am, I'm a complex individual and I think you may have put me into the cheese zone. And I want to say that, I want you to know that this could go anywhere today.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Well, maybe I should apologize for my previous behaviour when you were on the podcast, it was a bit too reactive looking back.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, I thought it was a genuine apology, it was a link into your tour Jen.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  I loved it.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Let's talk about reactive, it's going, you're hitting the road, you must be excited, I know that you love going on tour.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  I do, James, thank you. I am, as we know, a very positive individual that loves being on the road. And that hasn't changed since I've turned 50. No, I'm, I'm really looking forward to it. The UK island in October. So, yeah.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Amazing.

• 6:38Speaker 02

  Amazing.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  It's very exciting. And like, is there anything you can reveal about the show yet?

• 6:43Speaker 02

  What do you, what do you mean?

• 6:45Speaker 01

  Any subjects? Is it about it? Is there?

• 6:49Speaker 00

  It's reactive.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  It's me reacting to things. And we.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Is it like a YouTube thing where you play clips, viral clips, and then you react to them? Isn't you reacting to your own viral clips?

• 6:59Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Because you've got viral clips now. When we originally had you on the podcast.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  I wasn't viral.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  You weren't viral.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  No, I was no one.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  You were nothing.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  I was a nobody. And you guys picked me up off the, off the curb.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  Scraped me off.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Benito said, should we get Jen Brister on the show? And me and James went, she's nothing.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  I said, who? I didn't know who it was.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  Even though we'd worked together for a good 10 years.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  We did Edinburgh together.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. 2009, never forget.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  We did Edinburgh together.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  Yeah. You were in a gold lame suit. Never forget.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  It was your gold lame suit.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  It was my gold lame suit.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  It was the, it was the final, it was the final night of the fringe. And Jen wore a wonderful gold lame. How would you describe it?

• 7:37Speaker 02

  I would call it a onesie.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Onesie.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  For her final performance. And when she came off stage, I hadn't planned anything. I said, go and, go and get changed again. And then I'm wearing that.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Yeah. And so Ed came out in, yeah, I mean, it was, it was good. I enjoyed it.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  You can address the elephant in the room. I was a lot fatter.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. And also, there was a lot to see. There was a lot going on. You had to defocus your eyes below the waist. Other than that.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  I looked like a fat Oscar.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  You looked gorgeous.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  Yes. Oh, no, I know. There's, there was a reason I wore it. It's for.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  Well, it's for comedy. Anyway.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Comedy and for hotness.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  For the hotness. But now here I am. And despite my celebrity, here I am, back on the podcast, a mystery for the base.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  I mean, this tour is going to be huge. I already know it's going to be sold out every single night. I don't know why we're bothering promoting it. You're a big deal now, Brister. It's gonna be jam packed.

• 8:29Speaker 02

  I hope so. I hope, do buy a ticket.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  The, I'm doing, London is at the Apollo and so that's slightly stressful as I'm sure both of you have done it before, but I haven't. So, yeah, that's a bit of a stress. But, you know, buy a ticket. But also, I'm very relaxed about it.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's been pretty chilled about the whole thing.

• 8:46Speaker 02

  I do, I am.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Are you gonna pick on the front row?

• 8:50Speaker 02

  No, I don't. I'm not gonna pick on the front row. No, because it's not.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  They might be scared to sit on the front.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  Hecklers welcome. No, Hecklers not welcome.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  I didn't pick on them.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  I'm literally not gonna, you can guarantee that I won't be talking to anyone. I've written a show.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  I've written actual jokes. Just come and have a laugh at those.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  What if someone's wearing a really funny hat on the front row? Are you gonna mention the hat?

• 9:11Speaker 01

  And you're like, a hundred dates in.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  You know, you've done the material billion times and you look down and there's someone and they're wearing like a big, like, a big, like a hand for a hat. Like, there's a huge hand on their head.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  What? Why are you wearing that?

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Well, there you go, you have to ask him. You don't know that. You're gonna look.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  Okay, am I gonna comment on that? Are you asking me?

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, I mean, you can't do a show called Reactive and then ignore someone with a big hand hat.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  I think that's...

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Like when people wear the gladiators, you know.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Also, they're gonna be blocking the people behind them. Of course, yeah, I'm gonna go straight in.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  And if you're filming it, you get a viral clip out of that.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. You get a viral, you go viral again. You love that?

• 9:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, that's, thanks for the tips, guys.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  I'll take it. I'll, it's all on board now and I can't wait for the person with the hand hat. In fact, I might actually have, if you see a clip going out.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  It isn't a plant that was suggested by James Acaster and Ed Gamble.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  No, it is actually me reacting to something in the room. You're welcome.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  You're gonna be livid if that actually happens now.

• 10:13Speaker 02

  I'll be fucking furious.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Hand hat on, you're like, oh my god.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  Because they listen to this bloody podcast.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  Your fans are completely batshit. That's the kind of thing that they do.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Oh, let's go, fun and sad. Save Jen Brister. This is very hilarious. Viral.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  So the front row with a hand hat on.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  You go into one.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Goes viral. Jenberest.co.uk for tickets.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  Go, get yourself one. You won't regret it.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Now. So good at promo, Jen.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  I know. It's one of my forties. Thank God the things weren't viral, otherwise I'd have fucked.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  We've got a tasting menu for you, Jen.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm excited.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  As you know, we're gonna basically be presenting you with the menu of another guest who's been on. So this is a previous guest that we've had, and you're gonna be having their dream meal.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Who are you hoping for? Is there anyone who, you know, you know so many guests that have been on this podcast. Is there any that you would go, I hope it's that person. I hope I get their menu.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  I was hoping to have Miriam Marglie's menu, but you've already given that away.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Straight away to John Cun's first one.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  I cannot believe I didn't get Miriam Marglie's. That was, that would have been the perfect fit for me. I know, I know, I would have loved it. Whatever it was, it would have been right up my alley. So that's who I was hoping for. I didn't get Miriam, so I'm gonna go Paul Rudd.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  You'd like Paul Rudd's menu.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, why not?

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was a solid menu from memory.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  It's a good menu. I think you'd like that.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Nothing too controversial. Jen, can I ask a question?

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  Because you know that we're picking the menu for you. And as we said before, before we started recording, we said, you know, sometimes we pick menus that we think that people will like, or they'll find interesting, or that we'll get a reaction out of them for.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  What sort of reaction do you think we're shooting for from you when we're picking the menu?

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Ed.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  I am pretty much 100% certain that both you and James have picked a menu that you think I am going to hate.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Am I correct?

• 12:04Speaker 01

  Well, we'll see. But we're not gonna like.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  You've changed your tastes as well.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  We can't predict you, Jen.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  I absolutely know this is going to be a menu I'm not going to like, but here we go.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Not necessarily.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Because, well, you've changed. You said you've changed since the first time you were in the dream restaurant.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Predict you.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Okay, well, let's see. What have you got for me? Who's menu? Am I allowed to know whose menu it is, or does it happen at the end?

• 12:24Speaker 01

  Joel Domit's menu.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  Joel, okay, so there's gonna be a lot of meat. Meat heavy?

• 12:29Speaker 00

  We'll see.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  We'll see, won't we?

• 12:31Speaker 02

  Okay, Joel Domit.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  You don't seem scared. You seem quite happy about it.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  Nice guy. Joel's a nice guy.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  I love Joel.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Joel was one of the earliest episodes, and there was, you know, a lot of reaction online for his menu, so it was popular.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  It was a big, Joel's menu, I'd say, was a big moment in the history of this podcast.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  I'm gonna say there's gonna be too much food.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Okay, that's interesting.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  Because he's, because he's like ripped and he works out a lot.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, because he's gonna, there's gonna be, it's gonna be protein heavy, right? It's gonna be like six roast chickens, it's gonna be steak, you're gonna be like, some of the steak is raw, and maybe a pint of like whole milk, uh, three pints of Guinness, and.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Guinness?

• 13:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, he likes Guinness, and, uh, the dessert's gonna be like vomit making, it's gonna be gross.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 13:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is what I'm predicting.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  And then he's burning it off in the gym?

• 13:21Speaker 02

  Well, I won't be burning it off in the gym, that's the problem, but yes, and then he'll be like, you know, pressing, pulling, punching.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Pressing, pulling and punching.

• 13:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what he does. Classic three Ps.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Look, nice and easy to start, he's got some sparkling water.

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Okay, I like sparkling water.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  We're onto a great start, great, okay.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  I can't remember if you chose still or sparkling.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  I think I chose sparkling water.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  So that's good.

• 13:47Speaker 02

  And also, I chose bread, which both of you were appalled by.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Really?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  So you chose bread?

• 13:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, there was bread, there was bread or something else I could choose.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Popadoms, but we were, we were appalled that you choo, that you chose bread.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, you said, you, you, James, you in particular, you're like, I don't eat bread, I gave up bread ages ago, bread's for losers, and I was like, yeah, who eats bread anymore? I was like, I do, I love bread.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  It doesn't feel like we would have said that.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  It doesn't feel like you would have said that.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  I didn't say that, I eat bread all the time.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Good, good for you. Yeah?

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Were you trying to make Jen so angry in the first time we recorded?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Everything Jen said, you said, I, that's disgusting, I don't like.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  Who's eating bread? Ugh, IBS.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Maybe I did, maybe I did for a laugh.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Did you get, because James does give things up quite a lot.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  I think you'd given up bread at the time.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  Maybe you'd given up bread.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Something about gluten, you were bread free.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  And I turned up saying, I love bread, and you were appalled.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 14:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  I've changed, I guess.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  Have you? Are you, which bread are you into?

• 14:40Speaker 01

  All of them, yeah. I love them. I love bread. I, you know, I, I'm not eating it all the time, but like, pretty regularly.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Had some nice bread yesterday. I had some sourdough focaccia yesterday.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Oh, amazing.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  Delicious with some olive oil.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  Bread and that butter with, and sometimes they put salt on top of the butter. What's that about?

• 14:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:57Speaker 00

  Well, it needs it. I mean, you know, the more salt, the better, I say.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  That's what I say.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  Hey, I, I had some bread at the weekend.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  What kind?

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Uh, Gail's sourdough.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  And for the starter, I made toasted sourdough with bone marrow. Did bone marrow in the oven with a shallot and parsley salad, St John's style.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  I forgot to ask you how that went.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  That sounds, you've, you've, you're full gourmet now.

• 15:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was full gourmet. That was a rare gourmet.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  You are. That's what, I mean, I don't know anyone that's like, oh, just for lunch, I just got the old bone marrow out.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing that every week.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  He, um, do you know where he got it from? He got it from a butcher's that he likes. And it's cause he, he watched the finale of Severance and he was so, um, like he had so much adrenaline afterwards, just pinging around in his body and so much energy, that he walked two hours to the butcher's. And then he decided, when he was at the butcher's, he decided to buy some meat so he could have.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  My favourite butcher's is two hours walk from my house. So quite often when I go there, I'll go, I'm just gonna walk to the butcher's. Cause it makes me feel like I'm in, I'm Charles Dickens time.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Oh, I didn't know it's the Charles Dickens.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  We're walking to the butcher's in London on a nice day, you know, hello everyone, top of the morning.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  That is.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Waving at kids and stuff.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  I mean, why is it two hours away from me? There's nothing closer. That is, and that is your.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Probably is something closer, but I've just decided I like that butcher's.

• 16:15Speaker 02

  Wow. Two hours is quite the schlep.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  For some bone marrow. And then two hours back, four hour round trip. Okay, fair play.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  I bought a steak as well. I bought a big Galician ribeye bone on the bone.

• 16:28Speaker 02

  What? I mean, this is fair. I don't think I have a butcher's near me where they do that. You can get sausages and you can get mince.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  I think if you call them and ask for.

• 16:36Speaker 02

  For bone marrow?

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, they definitely do. Cause they'll have bones knocking around. They're a by-product of what they do.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Something to look forward to.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  Is there anyone or anything, and don't just say no straight away.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  That you would walk two hours for, if you think about it?

• 16:50Speaker 02

  What, in terms of food?

• 16:51Speaker 01

  No, just anyone or anything, anyone in your life that you would walk two hours to see, if you're honest?

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Say your kids, Jim.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Well, obviously my children.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  You'd walk two hours?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Of course I'd walk two hours to see my family. I would walk two hours to see my brother.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  And I think there are certain friends of mine I would make that effort.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Name the friends.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  God, name them. I'm not gonna name them because if I named them, they're gonna be like, oh, why wasn't I named?

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  Okay, I'm going to see my friend, Julia Westwood. That's her maiden name, not her married name. But that's how I always know her. And I'm seeing her tonight, and I would walk two hours to see her.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 17:31Speaker 01

  But you don't believe, you don't believe in her marriage?

• 17:33Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't acknowledge her wedding, and I don't acknowledge her... Julia Marshall is her, um, uh... But I know who's Julia Westwood. Do you know when you know someone from the right, when you're little, that is their name?

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  And whenever I say her name, it's always Julia Westwood. I never just say Julia.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  She is, I'm going to see Julia Westwood. How's Julia Westwood? Julia Westwood's great.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, sometimes I'll still accidentally call my sister by her maiden name, which is my surname. It's your name. Spoiler alert.

• 17:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  I feel pathetic. I've still got my sister's maiden name.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  You haven't moved, don't you?

• 18:02Speaker 01

  You're such a loser.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  You're such a loser. You need to take on another name.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  That's really sad. I've still got my sister's maiden name.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  Why don't you take your sister's married name?

• 18:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I should do that, really. Be a grown up, move on with my life. Instead of taking up the name that she had when she was a little baby.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  Really embarrassing. Walking around calling myself James Acaster, like a toddler.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  One day you will be a grown up, but today's not that day.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh, that is, that is disappointing, actually. Now I'll see it like that. Well, good, good news on the bread front. Joel did choose bread. He chose naan bread.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Naan bread?

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Sorry, not naan, but I just said the awful, the, the white foie gras. I'm saying naan bread.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  You're just supposed to say naan?

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Naan, because I said bread, bread, didn't I?

• 18:45Speaker 02

  Bread, bread. Oh, yeah, of course. Naan, I like naan. What kind of naan? Just plain naan, garlic naan?

• 18:50Speaker 01

  He just said naan. I mean, I, I, he didn't seem to give a...

• 18:53Speaker 00

  No.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  I imagine it was probably peshwari. It's probably the one we're going for.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  No, my least favourite. Is that your favourite? Peshwari?

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Let's rank the naans for God's sake.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  I think garlic naan is my favourite.

• 19:02Speaker 02

  Garlic naan, zimmer, you know?

• 19:03Speaker 00

  I think garlic naan is the one I'd always go for because it's got a little something extra, but it's not, it, it's accompanying the meal, it's not invading the meal.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  And it's got butter on it. What's, that's great. It's a little bit salty. It's got the garlic on it. The peshwari naan, what's that? It's got, was it coconut?

• 19:19Speaker 00

  Coconut, sultana's sometimes in there. I mean, I do like it, I will say, with a very, very spicy...

• 19:24Speaker 02

  It's like a pudding!

• 19:25Speaker 00

  Tomato-based curry, it does work. If it's like super spicy, it cuts through the spice quite nicely.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  See, this is why I do this podcast with this guy. He knows stuff like that. I, I, I was about to say, my problem with peshwari naan is like, where do you even put it in a meal? Like, where, where, where do you have it? He knows!

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Ed knows!

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Well, that's where I'd do it, but you know, the different tastes for different, um...

• 19:45Speaker 02

  I don't know. For me, it's like, do I, do I want a pudding with my tomato-based curry? No.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  No, well, that's fair enough.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  It's like having, um, what are those? What are those? Are they macaroons?

• 19:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't want a macaroon with my...

• 19:59Speaker 00

  You think peshwari naan is the equivalent of...

• 20:01Speaker 02

  With my gel fresa.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. That is like some, you know, a macaroon with a gel fresa.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  There's the keema naan is another option, which is...

• 20:09Speaker 02

  Is that the meat one?

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, minced meat one.

• 20:11Speaker 02

  But that one can be okay if it's got loads of chili in it. You had a really, uh, keema naan with mince and very, very, very spicy green chili. Oh, just get in there.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. But also like I find that that one feels like a meal in, in and of itself.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  In and of itself, yeah.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  So like, I wouldn't put it as high as garlic. I'd be garlic number one, then keema, then peshwari, then the plain one last.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  They do a cheese one some places, don't they?

• 20:33Speaker 02

  No. What?

• 20:35Speaker 00

  I'm pretty sure at Kisma in Edinburgh, they do, they do a cheese one.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  Oh, they do like a, yeah, like a paneer one?

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  I mean, Kisma do some wild, Kisma do some wild stuff.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  I'm okay with paneer.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  You'd be okay with, with the paneer naan?

• 20:46Speaker 02

  You, you don't seem like you would be.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Well, I just felt your reaction originally was like, what? No! As I just said, seeing it. My reaction to jembus.com.uk.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  What the fuck are you talking about? Just upend the table.

• 21:00Speaker 01

  Just for the listener, because Benito will edit himself out. Joel said.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Originally, poppadoms, but he thought he was saying naan.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  So in his head, he was saying.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Poppadoms are naan?

• 21:11Speaker 01

  That's what he thought.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  He thought that poppadoms are naan, were naan, so he was getting confused.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  But then he realised that poppadoms weren't naan, and that's why he went for naan.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  I think we probably had to tell him.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  Um, my family was watching Masked Singer together.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  Oh, he's so good on that.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  He's so good on it.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  He's amazing on it.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  He's incredible on it. And, um, my, my dad, who, you know, he's not the best at just keeping a thought in his head, just went, he's so strikingly attractive.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Strikingly attractive man.

• 21:42Speaker 02

  He, he really is. He's very easy on the eye. And when he takes his top off, everyone's looking.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  Everyone's looking.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  We're all having a look, aren't we?

• 21:49Speaker 02

  We can't help ourselves.

• 21:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're looking.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  We're only human. Am I right?

• 21:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  We're not made out of stone.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  No, but he is.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  He's chiseled. He's been carved by Raphael.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  The turtle.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's the turtle.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Joel's dream starter, which is what you're gonna have.

• 22:09Speaker 02

  Okay, all right, let's go.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  This is where we really get.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Okay, this is where we're gonna get into it.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  So we get into the proper meal.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, because we've been fine. We've had sparkling water and naan, and I'm really happy.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  I'm gonna tell you what he ordered. I'm also gonna tell you the reason why he ordered it.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Nachos, because you never know how big they're gonna be.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  What the, what are you talking about? Nachos, because you never know how big they're gonna be? What does that even mean? So what, you don't know they're gonna be a starter?

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Or a mate?

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Well, he's ordered it for a starter, but like, he's like, you never know how big the nachos are gonna be when you order them. And he likes the surprise of how, how much you get.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  So you might get too many nachos and he's like, wow, this is great.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, or you might not get enough nachos.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  I mean, no one's never had not enough nachos.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a very good point.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  I mean, I've never seen a plate of nachos and thought, what this needs is more nachos.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  I've thought, okay, well, there's never enough topping, sure. Too many nachos, not enough cheese, not enough of the guacamole and the nice stuff. And then this, all this dry, I don't get nachos. Nachos are an abomination. They are abhorrent.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  And I wouldn't, I would never order nachos. If, if it was the last thing on the menu, I would not order nachos. And nachos is for children. Sure, my kids eat nachos. I am 50 years of age. Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top? I am an adult. Joel, you made a terrible decision. And if you're listening to this, shame on you.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Too many people have been nice to him about this menu, so it's good.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  I don't know if he said what he wanted on them. I mean, basically.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  No, he did. He said chicken.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  Chicken.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Chicken?

• 23:38Speaker 00

  The worst, the worst topping.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  The worst topping you could put on nachos. And it won't be nice, chicken?

• 23:44Speaker 00

  No.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  Whatever you're getting on top of a nacho, it's always bottom of the, there's that squeezy weird cheese and the jalapeno things from a jar and that salsa, it's like, that's not salsa. What is this? And then the chicken? I don't even know. I mean, it's not even chicken.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like little bits of shredded chicken on there, I guess, you know, with the watery salsa and the

• 24:08Speaker 01

  plastic cheese.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  Does Joel like food?

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Well, you just draw your own conclusions as the menu progresses, really, if Joel likes food or not.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  I'm not eating nachos, so they've gone to one side.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  You won't eat them? Are your kids with you? They can eat them?

• 24:21Speaker 02

  My kids can eat them, sure, yeah. And Chloe, my partner, she'll eat them. She loves nachos.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Oh, there you go.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  I know. I don't even know like how we got together. I'm like, this is unacceptable.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  At what age do you think you stop? Were you like, now, I'm old enough now, I can reject nachos?

• 24:35Speaker 02

  I don't think I ever liked nachos. I don't think even as a kid I was like, wow, these. I think the first time I had nachos, I was probably not that young, maybe like twenty or something. And I was like, why are we eating this? What is this? I mean, it's fine. It's not a meal.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  I mean, I completely agree with that. Whenever I get excited to order nachos if I've not had them in a long time. But then they arrive and you look at all the toppings and you're really excited. And then you realise there's four layers of completely dry crisps underneath. And it's impossible to.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  To manoeuvre.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  What you really need is a bowl of crisps and then all the toppings in bowls in front of you, so you can just dip each one.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  Yes, but also the other thing I don't like about nachos, you're sharing nachos often. And everyone's double dipping. They're having a bite of a crisp and then they're dipping it back in and then they're having a, what are you doing?

• 25:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  I'm not, you're never just eating watery salsa. You're eating watery salsa mixed in with your friend's spittle and, you know.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  Especially if you're eating them with your kids, right? They're a little illness machine.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Yes, with their little feral fingers.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, I love all my nephews, but any time something like that is on the table, I'm like, you go for it, guys.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  I'm not sharing that with you.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  No, and you're right not to. We're all gonna get Covid at the end of these nachos.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, these are Covid nachos.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  This is pre-Covid. This is Joel's nachos.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  This is pre-Covid when he chose them. So that's a good question. That's a good question. Is now, are we giving you pre-Covid nachos? Because that's when Joel chose it?

• 26:02Speaker 02

  Or? Post-Covid.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Or is there the risks of Covid and everything?

• 26:05Speaker 02

  I'm gonna say that these are probably post-Covid nachos. I don't think the pre-Covid nachos would have survived.

• 26:11Speaker 00

  When restaurants came back, did they wait longer to bring, like, chain Mexican restaurants back?

• 26:16Speaker 02

  Because of the nachos, because of Covid.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think you'll probably find that Oaxaca's was closed for a lot longer than any of the Wagamamas.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  They refused to take nachos off the menu.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Like, we, we belong, nachos belong on our menu. In fact, I don't even know if they have nachos on them. They've got those posh nachos, haven't they?

• 26:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not sure they do.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Baked nachos.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'm sorry, but they know better.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  No. Wagamama was hit hard with the social distancing, though.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's true.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Because they fucking love to cram them in, don't they?

• 26:44Speaker 02

  They love it to be opposite, next door, on top.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  It was always gonna come back and bite them.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  Diagonal.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  The way we work here is we, we'll put you on top of this person. Is that all right?

• 26:53Speaker 02

  If you just sit directly on them, they're absolutely fine. They'll be leaving in five.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  So you haven't eaten the nachos, fair enough?

• 27:00Speaker 00

  You've not even pecks at them?

• 27:02Speaker 02

  What's, did we talk about the topping? You said chicken.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Chicken and cheese and?

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Well, because he's not specified. I mean, there's obviously gonna be cheese on that, chicken.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Oh, guacamole.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  There's some guacamole on there.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Made in Mexico properly, because that was one of his nice memories.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. So decent guacamole.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Being in Mexico with Nish and being, and having some guacamole made fresh for them, and it being incredible.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  Okay, well, fresh-made guacamole tastes completely different and is definitely worth a dip.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  And goes lovely with chicken nachos.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  I've dodged, I've dodged the chicken and I've just headed for the guac.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Yes, nice.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, you've dipped a few chips in the guac.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Sour cream, how are you feeling about the sour cream?

• 27:36Speaker 02

  Sour cream, only if the, only if the salsa's great.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  If the salsa's great, you need a bit of sour cream, but if the salsa's shit, we don't need sour cream.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  He didn't specify if the salsa was good. He was guac-focused.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  He was very guac-focused. Joel, we're gonna have to have words.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  The main course, this is Joel's dream main course.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  Okay, this is gonna be meat heavy, I bet.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  Chips, beans, sausages and cheese.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  Get the fuck out. Chips, be- he can have any fucking meal. He's had nachos and now chips, beans, sausage and cheese. What the fuck is wrong with Joel?

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Well, you're having it as well, Jen, so.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  I don't want chips because I've had it at the canteen at school.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  That's why he wanted it. That's why it reminds him of the canteen at school.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  He wanted chips because he wanted to be reminded of shit food when he was a teenager.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I think there were nice memories for him being in the school canteen.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  I think Joel had a nicer time at school than most people.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  I think he did. I mean, I don't have horrendous memories, but I don't have hugely happy memories. And I certainly don't have happy memories of being in the canteen.

• 28:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Chips, cheese and beans. And you had that because literally everything else was inedible.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  They'd sometimes do like a breaded chicken thing, or they'd do fish and chips and the fish was like, you know, like entirely batter and then you'd look, there'd be zero fish in there.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Did you ever have the rib? Do you remember the rib?

• 29:02Speaker 02

  What was the rib? Definitely did not have the rib.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  Didn't have a rib at my school.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  Like recon- no, it was like reconstituted meat, pressed. It was like a patty, but like pressed into the shape of vaguely of a rib because it had like different segments going along it. Covered in like really sweet barbecue sauce. Do you remember it?

• 29:18Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  No, I do not remember that. I don't think, I don't think we had anything as posh as that. I mean, we literally had chips.

• 29:25Speaker 00

  I must stress, it was not posh at all.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  I mean, you went to posh school. That was posh. That's pot.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  Oh, because it was at a posh school. It was posh.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Well, we didn't have it at our schools. Got bad news. It's disgusting.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  But, but you got the good stuff. You didn't even know how lucky you are.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  You had something that resembled a rib. We didn't even know what ribs were. We were like, what?

• 29:43Speaker 01

  We weren't getting ribs.

• 29:44Speaker 00

  Oh, I remember actually when we'd finish, we used to send the packaging off to your school to eat.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  And which we used to deep fry and have with chips, cheese and beans.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, we loved it. We thank you for that packet.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  You're dipping your rib in your quail's egg. So your school canteen, that was your go to, was it?

• 30:06Speaker 02

  So what was, Joel, was chips, was it?

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Chips, beans, sausages and cheese.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school, no way.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  So you wouldn't have eaten them?

• 30:12Speaker 02

  No, god, no. No way. I would have had chips, cheese and beans.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Even as a kid, you're going, I don't trust those sausages.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  No. You have to remember, I had a Spanish mum, so we had like, our food was nice. So I, I didn't really like processed crap. I wasn't, I mean, I was like, this doesn't, why is this sausage white?

• 30:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  Why are we eating white sausages? Bizarre. Chips, cheese and beans, I would never have touched the sausages. The fact that he's chosen sausages, I'm absolutely livid about. I, I, I, I, I'm so disappointed. And what am I drinking with this fucking horrible meal?

• 30:44Speaker 00

  Well, we'll get to it.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  We'll get there. We'll get, you've got sparkling water, that's there. You've got that for the whole thing. But you've also got, he's got a drink later, don't worry.

• 30:53Speaker 00

  So were you going, so you were having?

• 30:54Speaker 02

  Are we eating posh chips? Posh, it's cheese.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  This is from the canteen. It's exactly what you said, the school canteen stuff.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  I can't believe you fuckers chose this menu for me. Chips, cheese and beans with naan bread.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the nachos.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  And nachos. This is like the worst menu that's ever been.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  Famously.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  Famously the worst.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Well, we can admit that now.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  People still to this day, Joel did this in our first year, which is 2018. Still to this day, people shout at him in the street for this menu.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  I'm not surprised.

• 31:28Speaker 01

  He gets abuse shouted at him for it.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, he should.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  And he's like a legit, he's a legit celebrity now and people still remember this.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  He's moved on. Since he did this episode, he's now like hosting huge TV shows. Everyone loves Joel.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  A list of celeb, celeb guy.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  Still gets abuse about this.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, as he should. I hope it follows him to the grave.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  So when you're at school, you're eating this sort of stuff in the canteen.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  Then what, you were obviously looking forward to what you were gonna get when you got home.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  What sort of stuff were you getting, getting at home?

• 31:56Speaker 02

  My mum used to cook like really, I mean, sometimes she'd cook horrible things like stuffed peppers. We were like, eh. But you know, we would get calamari or we would get like, my mum would make homemade albóndigas or she would make croquetas or she would make, you know, on a very special occasion, it would be paella. That would be like one of our birthdays or she would just make like a Thai curry or, you know, she was

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  cooking good food.

• 32:20Speaker 00

  Heaven.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  We'd come home, I always looked forward to dinner because I knew it was gonna be great.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  So this is chips, cheese and beans, man. Not, not good.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  It's not, it's not ideal, I guess.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  No.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  Well. My, my mum was a good cook as well and is a good cook, but I just used to, I used to eat so much crap. Like I'd eat my packed lunch at morning break and then sneak into main lunch.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  Oh, I used to eat a lot of crap, like from the, as soon as I got, you know, did you have a tuck shop?

• 32:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:50Speaker 01

  Flava, that's what it was called.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Your tuck shop was called Flava?

• 32:53Speaker 00

  It had a name.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  L A V A, Flava, like the Peter Andre song. It was named after.

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Like Flava Flav?

• 32:58Speaker 02

  Was that what it was named after?

• 32:58Speaker 01

  No, it was named after the Peter Andre song.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  I wish it was named after Flava Flav.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  At Monksu School, but we knew that Peter Andre was cool and six pack. Everyone who had a six pack, you had to eat fizzy belts and stuff like that.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  It's true, man.

• 33:11Speaker 00

  Did your tuck shop have a name at school?

• 33:13Speaker 02

  If it did, I do not remember it. An all-girls Catholic school, it would probably be called Tuck Shop. And I don't remember who was selling stuff at the tuck shop. It must have been a student.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  Cameron.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Was that, was that someone from school?

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, Cameron started it. It was, it was part of his.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  Started by a student?

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. It was part of one of, it was in one of his lessons, I can't remember what one was, but his project that he wanted to do was start a tuck shop. So everyone else was doing stuff that was like within their actual class.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  For that lesson. And he was like, no, I'm gonna start it at break time properly and call it Flava.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  This guy's a CEO now.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, definitely. It's gotta be a billionaire.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  What's he on?

• 33:47Speaker 01

  He, he, he might be listening. So I did bump into him once.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  I mean, he's like the equivalent, he's Bezos-ing it somewhere.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 02

  He's gotta be.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  He's doing good.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  He's the catering Bezos. I was excited when I was at school because there was the tuck shop, but then when you went to sixth form, it was a different, it was sixth form common room and it was a different little tuck shop.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  Oh, what did you get different?

• 34:04Speaker 00

  And that tuck shop did microwave pizzas.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Wow, what, what an experience to have.

• 34:11Speaker 00

  Chicago town.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  Dough.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Chicago, Chicago town.

• 34:15Speaker 02

  Microwave pizzas, microwave burgers.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Chicago town pizzas, it's called touch shop.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  To this day.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  How big were they?

• 34:21Speaker 00

  Chicago town, like personal sized pizzas, like that maybe, and then you open the box and then you turn the lid up and put the pizza on top of the box and then microwave it.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Boiling hot.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 00

  So sweet, like eating cake with tomato on it.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, and that's the kind of cheese that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, big time, like napalm, horrible.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Completely strips the skin off of your mouth.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, like those, what were they, what did they used to have, I tell you what, something I was fascinated by, because I went around to a friend's house and they had them, were crispy, Finders Crispy Pancakes. Because I, we didn't have that sort of stuff.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  We didn't have that either.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  That was wild to me, that bright orange crusty thing filled with lava.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  It was molten lava, right?

• 35:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:06Speaker 02

  You couldn't put it in your mouth.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:08Speaker 00

  Never had that in our house, that sort of stuff, and always so exciting to see it in someone else's house.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  It's so exciting to see it. So actually, I lied, actually, when I saw that some processed stuff, I was like, what is this?

• 35:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Incredible.

• 35:17Speaker 00

  Same with Pop Tarts, we never had Pop Tarts.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  We never had Pop Tarts, man, I really wanted them so bad.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  I asked for them all the time.

• 35:24Speaker 02

  Me too, it was like, just the strawberry ones.

• 35:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  And then, did you have one? And I remember having one going, yeah.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  So sweet.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Because it was too late when I had one, I had one like, when I was probably like.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Forty two.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I was like, here we go, they can't stop me now. What the fuck?

• 35:39Speaker 02

  I wish they had.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. Horrible. Well, look, you've had some of that, you've had the chips, beans and cheese, have you?

• 35:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm hungry, I've, I've had some of it, yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Are you mixing it all up?

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Um, I'm mixing the cheese in with the beans, yeah, and then probably, yeah, probably sticking the chips in there with the beans as well, make them soggy.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Okay, well, the side dish might, genuinely, I think this might turn things around a little bit.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Sweet potato fries.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  No, I don't like sweet potato fries. I don't like sweet potato.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  They're a nice accompaniment to chips.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  I can't believe the accompaniment to chips, cheese, sausage and beans is chips. I mean.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  Do you wanna know one of Joel's reasons for having sweet potato fries and chips?

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, please, let's hear it.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  It's because he wanted to, because everyone says sweet potato fries are healthy and he wanted to show that they're exactly the same. He wanted to make a point that one is not more healthy than the other.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  And how was he making that point?

• 36:41Speaker 00

  Well, just by having both of them.

• 36:43Speaker 02

  By having both of them. How was he demonstrating that they were?

• 36:47Speaker 00

  I think he used the podcast as a platform to.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  To really promote this kind of.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  It's important to have strong feelings.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  You gotta use your platform wisely.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, use it wisely. If you're gonna be campaigning for something, let's campaign for the fact that actually, sweet potato fries are still bad for you. Um, I don't like, I would never order sweet potato fries. I don't, I don't like them.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  What is it about them that you don't like?

• 37:11Speaker 01

  They're in Brighton though, they're on all the menus in Brighton.

• 37:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, Jen, you live in Brighton.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  I do live in Brighton.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  Why do you like sweet potato fries?

• 37:17Speaker 02

  I just don't like sweet potato fries.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  That's the origin of sweet potato fries.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  Probably. There's a lot of stuff in Brighton that's shit and sweet potato fries is one of them.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  Do you wanna list some other stuff?

• 37:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  I don't, I mean, like, we've got enough sourdough.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, we don't need any more.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  I, I, I think it's lovely how you accommodate all the stags and hens.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  We really do. They can eat the sweet potato fries.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, they do.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  They do, with their W K D cocktails.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  They love it.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  They do love a blue cocktail.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  With a penis straw, James, you'll be pleased to know.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  I am pleased to know that.

• 37:51Speaker 00

  I'm pleased to know that.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  They're still going. You think penis straws ended in the eighties or the nineties? Like, no one's doing penis straws anymore.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  He's got loads.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  How many penis straws have you got?

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Forty-eight.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  How come?

• 38:01Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, this is well documented in my show two years ago and my, well, two tours ago and my upcoming special. Uh, but during COVID, I threw a hen party for my wife. So just me and her and I, you can only order 50 penis straws in a job lot.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Right. So you used to?

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, used to, but didn't want to throw them out really, the rest of them, because it's really bad for the environment. They're not recyclable penis straws. So now we've got a big drawer full of them. And in fact, one of them is now in a plant pot as a sort of holding up the plant stalk.

• 38:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Great.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  There's probably loads of uses for these penis straws.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  I mean snorkels, um, uh, obviously for plants, you can use chopsticks.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  Chopsticks. That's a good idea, actually.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Cocksticks.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  Cocksticks. Yeah.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  She's a reviewer. She's a comedy reviewer, isn't she? Or cocksticks.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  Kate Cox, isn't it?

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Kate Cox sticks. Yeah. She's absolutely dynamo.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  If you're using the penis straws as a pair of chopsticks, are you going bellend in the noodles or bellend poking up at you?

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a really good question. I think I'm gonna use the bellends to, to, as, to grip.

• 39:08Speaker 00

  To grip.

• 39:08Speaker 02

  I'm gonna be gripping onto the bellends and using the other bits for, to pick up my various things.

• 39:14Speaker 01

  That's what I do.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  To pick up my chips, cheese and fucking beans and my naan bread with my penis straw fucking chopsticks. Oh, Jesus.

• 39:25Speaker 00

  Just you're enjoying the riff and then you remembered what the menu was.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  You're in a waking hell.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  Also, it's not, I think it's rare on a menu that you get nachos followed by chips followed by sweet potato fried. I think it's nice.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's actually quite rare.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  It's quite nice.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  It's unique, definitely. And I don't think there's many people that would choose that because most people have taste buds.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  It reads like the entire menu at a student union.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  It, it, it really does. It like, it, I'm sure at the top of this menu should be the word flavour.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  I'm still really intrigued. So I've got, I've got sparkling water, I've got naan bread, I've got a fucking chickeny nacho shit. I've got chips, cheese beans and sausage.

• 40:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:11Speaker 02

  What am I doing? What, what's, what's?

• 40:13Speaker 00

  Don't forget sweet potato.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side. Okay, so all of this is-

• 40:16Speaker 00

  Are your kids eating those as well?

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, my kids are gonna have all of those, yeah.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  So far, they've eaten a meal, my children. They're full.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  I need a drink. I need something.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  What do you want?

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Just a glass of wine or something. Am I having wine?

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Uh, it's not wine, no.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  It's not Guinness, is it?

• 40:32Speaker 01

  It's not Guinness.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:33Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  It's not Guinness, no.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  A lager?

• 40:36Speaker 01

  It's not a lager, no.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  Oh my god, is it something like a pina colada? What is it?

• 40:40Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Jodom, it's dream drink and this is what you're getting. It's a protein shake.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  So, okay. Oh my god. I, I knew, well, I, didn't I say, I said it was gonna be protein heavy, but I thought it'd be protein heavy with actual-

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Foodstuffs.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, the food, yeah.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  Okay. Oh my god, this is absolutely, but what flavour is it?

• 41:07Speaker 00

  I think he said strawberry, didn't he? He likes the strawberry one, yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Strawberry, that's like the worst flavour. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. No, who's eating strawberry? Strawberry milkshake, strawberry jam, they're all the worst. Strawberry's the worst flavour.

• 41:21Speaker 00

  He loves it. It's his favourite drink.

• 41:23Speaker 01

  His favourite drink?

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Strawberry protein shake.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's his favourite, it's his drink.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  I'm, no, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm hungry.

• 41:33Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 41:34Speaker 00

  That'll fill you up though, lovely protein shake.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  I mean, that will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  Really sad.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  Do you enjoy a protein shake now in the country?

• 41:41Speaker 02

  No, of course not. Why would I be drinking a protein shake?

• 41:45Speaker 01

  You said you wanted to drink a minute ago.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  I do. I'm something decent, like a nice glass of wine. That's what I want. I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  But protein shakes like gym wine.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  Oh my god, and it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it?

• 42:01Speaker 00

  Very sweet, yeah, they're very sweet.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  It's really super sweet and thick, yeah? Are they thick?

• 42:05Speaker 00

  Depends how many scoops you put in.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Of the protein powder?

• 42:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  I mean, this is for Joel, right?

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  So this is gonna be one thick protein shake.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, it'll be quite a thick protein shake, I'd imagine.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Oh my god, protein shake with with a with potato fries and.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Tip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake, that could be a little treat.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:23Speaker 00

  We were horrible to Joel. I now do have protein shakes.

• 42:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal.

• 42:29Speaker 00

  God, no.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  No.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  Or it's like a dream drink.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  It's not my dream drink.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up, so I'm gonna have a protein shake, right? Is that right?

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Sometimes I mix the powder in with yogurt.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Oh, Jesus.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ, yes.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  That really just sounds revolting.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Um, I don't really like dairy based drinks. Is it dairy based?

• 42:50Speaker 00

  There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you shake it up.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  Ugh, just whatever lesbian wants. Okay.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  Some foamy, dairy based, claggy drinks sticking to my gums.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  We'll give you a penis straw for it.

• 43:10Speaker 01

  That makes it any better?

• 43:11Speaker 02

  That makes it much better. Um, okay, well, this is.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  It's gonna take a long time to get that.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  It's gonna take a while to get. Yeah, I'd have to be sucking that, sucking that penis straw hard.

• 43:22Speaker 00

  Because as somebody who has penis straws, the aperture, the aperture at the top is actually.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Quite small.

• 43:27Speaker 00

  Quite small, yeah.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 43:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:29Speaker 02

  That's the sight to behold, isn't it?

• 43:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  That's just me chowing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind, whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries. Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 43:50Speaker 02

  I'd love to know what the dessert is, James.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  Sure. I mean, it's quite a nice bridge, actually, to the dessert, I think, the protein shake. To his credit, he's thought about it. He's got like those nachos and the chips and the potato fries, and that's a nice, like, thematic meal. And then the bridge, he's got the protein shake's a little bridge to the dessert. It's a strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Uh oh.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  No, I thought you'd like this one. I thought this is like a nice.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  This is normal.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  I've just told you how I feel about strawberry.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 02

  And I don't like white chocolate. White chocolate isn't chocolate. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's some weird, disgusting, overly sweet confection. And I don't particularly like cheesecake. So you have given me possibly the worst pudding.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  I thought you changed your mind on pudding.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  I've gone 180. I've minded. I've gone 180 and now I'm 180 again. I'm 360. No, I'm livid. This is the most rev- this is.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Cheesecake. It's cheesecake.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  The kids have got to have the cheesecake.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  Really?

• 44:44Speaker 00

  It's cheesecake, Jen. You love cheese.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  You love cheese?

• 44:47Speaker 02

  Yes, but I don't like strawberry, white chocolate cheesecake. No, I wouldn't eat it.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  Your kid's gonna throw up in the car on the way home.

• 44:53Speaker 02

  They are gonna be really sick. They're sharing it. There's two of them. It's fine.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  Have you let the kids have the protein shake?

• 44:58Speaker 02

  No, they're not having that. That will really make them sick. The protein shake's in the bin.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  It's gone in the bin.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  I didn't, I had one go on the penis straw. It wasn't working. I've been it. It's gone. It's gone for good. And I'm sorry to say, I didn't even think about the recycling. The penis straw's gone with it. Sorry.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  No, that's all right.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  You're one down.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  That's all right.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  You've got only 47 to go.

• 45:21Speaker 00

  I'll go and find that penis in the bin.

• 45:25Speaker 02

  Cock in a bin.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  The protein shake is the thing that he's got the most amount of grief for since.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  Since the podcast.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  Of course. What do people shout at him?

• 45:34Speaker 01

  Protein shake wanker and you fucking prick. Check the protein shake.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Shit menu dommett, that sort of stuff.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Shit menu dommett, yeah. Yeah. That's gone on for what? Like five years, whatever it's been. How many bits? Longer than that? Seven years?

• 45:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, seven years. Netflix tweeted about it.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, good to know.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  Netflix tweeted about, yeah. Someone, I did a tweet about, I'd watched a true crime series and I was like, if anyone watches this, it's absolutely nuts. And Netflix replied saying, not as nuts as someone choosing a protein shake as their dream drink. I was like, well.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  That's Netflix.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  It's made it to Netflix HQ.

• 46:06Speaker 02

  Wow, that's quite something.

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Do you remember when Twitter was just like, you could just go.

• 46:10Speaker 02

  Really fun stuff.

• 46:11Speaker 01

  That was fun.

• 46:11Speaker 00

  This show's nuts.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then everybody would have a bit of a laugh.

• 46:14Speaker 00

  Everyone go, yeah, it is.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  I disagree with you, I quite enjoyed it.

• 46:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:17Speaker 02

  And now it's like, oh, fuck yourself, you piece of shit. And by the way, your mum's a prick and that, you, you, you've killed your dog.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  By the way, by the way, I've killed your dog.

• 46:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  It's not even called Twitter anymore.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  Sounds like something, X is like a proper evil, like a Darth Vader name.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  It's not a nice place.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  This, this.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  I'm not on it anymore.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  I'm not on it.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  I'm not on it anymore.

• 46:39Speaker 02

  I'm off it. You're not on anything. You're off everything.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm off everything.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  Well done.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  Apart from YouTube.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  How does that?

• 46:43Speaker 01

  Respect, love, we love YouTube.

• 46:45Speaker 02

  Uh, do you have the comments on or off?

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Of YouTube?

• 46:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  I don't watch, I don't really, sometimes I scroll down to the comments, but like.

• 46:52Speaker 02

  I never do.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  It's not, it's not stuff about me. You know, I'm just watching other videos and then sometimes I'm like, if I really like, someone's really annoying me.

• 46:58Speaker 00

  James is not saying he has an account on YouTube that he posts through, it means he watches YouTube.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, no, I just watch, I, I'm a watcher, I'm a fan. Bonito would like to point out something with the cheesecake.

• 47:07Speaker 02

  Go Bonito.

• 47:08Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. So this is the cheesecake that Joel had when he came up the jungle. It was his dream thing to have. And they gave it to him and he ate it really quickly and then it made him be sick. He, he vomited.

• 47:18Speaker 00

  He vomited this cheesecake.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  But, but he didn't vomit because he didn't enjoy it. He vomited because he hadn't been eaten.

• 47:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. His stomach was not used to taking on dairy.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Right. All of that dairy, cream, heavy stuff. Right. But he probably, but he enjoyed it, didn't he?

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I think there was a comment about he sort of enjoyed it on the way back up again as well.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, he tasted nice on the way out.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. This is, this says so much that he enjoyed the cheesecake on the way up as much as on the way down.

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Cause I think it hadn't been there for long, so it was just the same flavour coming straight.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  It was the same flavours coming up. Great, great, great. Did he, did he think, maybe have another go?

• 47:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, should have done.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, did it?

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Like a dog.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, like that.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  And then straight back down again.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  Like a little doggy.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  Something to ask him next time I see him.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  I know Joel pretty well and his friend Steve, who helps him build his shows, they've known each other since they were very little. And they have the kind of relationship where if one of them said to the other, day to do that.

• 48:16Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 48:17Speaker 01

  They're still at their age now, do it. If Steve was with him when he puked at the cheesecake, I guarantee. If Steve said to him, because he would have turned to Steve and went, that tasted quite nice actually on the way out. And Steve would say to him, eat it again.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  He would do it.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Joel would do it.

• 48:31Speaker 02

  So you're saying that Joel would have picked up whatever puke he had.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  He would have done it if Steve told him.

• 48:35Speaker 02

  Put it back in his mouth.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  I'm pretty sure, I'm not telling tales outside of school there, and Joel would agree. That if Steve said to him, if it tasted so nice on the way out, I think you should eat it. What's the difference?

• 48:46Speaker 02

  I really need to speak to Joel's wife. I think we need to go out for a drink. Maybe she needs to decompress. Maybe there's stuff that needs to come up. Not literally.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  No, we've been through that already.

• 48:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, Jesus. Okay.

• 48:57Speaker 01

  Would you go in the jungle?

• 48:59Speaker 02

  No. Can you imagine me in the jungle?

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:02Speaker 00

  I'd love it.

• 49:02Speaker 02

  I'd love it.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  I'd be watching every app.

• 49:05Speaker 02

  I know. I mean, I'd have a breakdown day one. Can you imagine if I was in the jungle with someone like, I don't know, Nigel Farage or something? Would you imagine that I'd be able to hold it together for a day, let alone weeks on end?

• 49:17Speaker 00

  I mean, it wouldn't have to be someone like Nigel Farage, it could just be anyone. It could be people who are famously nice. And I think you'd lose it day one, like you've been in there for two and a half weeks.

• 49:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wouldn't make it.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  And I think that Joel was perfect for the.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  He was.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Because he's such a nice bloke. He's just a nice man. There's no edge to him. He's lovely.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  He's the best in everyone.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's kind. He's like, yeah, you know, and he'll try to make the best of every situation.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  Not this lesbian.

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Imagine like you'd have fans at home wearing not this lesbian t-shirts.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. I don't think they'd be fans by the end of it, by the end of it. They'd be like, shit, that woman's unhinged. I used to like her, but now that I've discovered what she's really like.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  What a catchphrase, not this lesbian.

• 50:01Speaker 01

  Not this lesbian.

• 50:03Speaker 02

  Hey, I think that's a T-shirt. I think that, as merch goes, that could work, right?

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, definitely. That's a good tour name.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Not this lesbian.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  For the next tour.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  Something to think about.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  I think that's a good one.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  James, am I gonna have to TM you? Are you, am I gonna have to like, give you 10% or something?

• 50:18Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 50:19Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 50:19Speaker 01

  I'm afraid so.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  Oh my god, well.

• 50:21Speaker 01

  Cause you said it, and then I told you to have it. You came up with it.

• 50:24Speaker 00

  You came up with it.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  And I told you to have it as a tour title.

• 50:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, well, let's go down to five then.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, okay, fair enough. You, you, it's just good negotiation.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  Can you imagine, you get like, at the end of every joke, getting to it, and the whole crowd being like, Not this lesbian!

• 50:41Speaker 01

  That's good!

• 50:42Speaker 00

  The problem is, if you sell it as T-shirts, you'll get some, um, straight men who think they're funny buying the T-shirt as well, right?

• 50:47Speaker 02

  I don't care, I'm making a profit from them.

• 50:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  I got your money. I got your money.

• 50:54Speaker 01

  Cause that's on the back.

• 50:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Only when you sell it to a straight man, you give them one of the ones that say on the back, I got your money.

• 51:00Speaker 02

  It's got like a weird transfer, and it, it, it picks out the heat that only comes from a man, the pheromones from a man's body, and it's like, I got your money on the back. But not for, not for women, not for women, yeah. Not this lesbian.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  I think, I'm sure that you've been offered the jungle, you, I mean, you know, you should, you should probably do it. I reckon you'd be great on it.

• 51:17Speaker 02

  James, one, I haven't been offered it, and two, I, if I had, I've, if I'd, whatever was, no. I don't think there's many.

• 51:24Speaker 00

  James is such a little shit as well, cause he'd never do it.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  You would never do it?

• 51:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I keep asking them to, and they say no.

• 51:29Speaker 02

  Wow, bullshit. Okay, if there was one, uh, of those kind of shows, which one would you do?

• 51:35Speaker 01

  Well, if I had to do one?

• 51:36Speaker 02

  You have to. There is no choice.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Okay, well, question to the table. Everyone's got to think.

• 51:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  What their answer is here.

• 51:42Speaker 00

  List them though, list them.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  Okay, so you've got things like, uh, okay, yeah, Strictly, uh, obviously The Jungle, uh, what are the other ones?

• 51:51Speaker 01

  People do regularly.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Dancing on Ice.

• 51:53Speaker 02

  Dancing on Ice, that's it. Alright, let's say those three, that's three.

• 51:57Speaker 00

  The SAS one.

• 51:58Speaker 02

  Oh my god, SAS, yes!

• 52:00Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  Celebrity Big Brother, the absolute, what?

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Celebrity Traitors, no?

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Celebrity Traitors, no. I mean, I'd do Traitors.

• 52:08Speaker 02

  You'd do Traitors?

• 52:09Speaker 00

  I can't do Traitors, cause I host the extra show.

• 52:11Speaker 02

  You can't do Traitors. Okay, so you do Traitors.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's, but you've given me an easy out there, because that's a, that's a fun one. The, the, the other ones, Strictly looks like one of the most stressful things ever. Um, I definitely have a breakdown on Strictly, I definitely have a breakdown in the jungle. I think I would do, and I'm not gonna do it, if they're listening.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  Which they definitely will be, they'll find out about that.

• 52:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're gonna find out.

• 52:33Speaker 01

  But I would do the ice skating one, to learn to ice skate.

• 52:36Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  Really?

• 52:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, just to learn to ice skate.

• 52:39Speaker 02

  No, that's hard work.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  I think even imagining that for me is enough to entertain me for the rest of the day.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  What about, oh my god, I really want you to do it now. You have to do it, James.

• 52:48Speaker 01

  The ice skating one?

• 52:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, because I think, you know what, you've got the physique. Who was that guy at Torville? Dean? Those guys.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  You look like the Dean guy, Chris. Yes.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:57Speaker 02

  Because of your physique, long legs and...

• 52:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I can imagine him also trying to balance on the ice like one of those things outside the car.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  Actually, I went on a first date once, uh, ice skating with someone when I was like, in my late teens.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  In Kettering?

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, in Kettering, we went to the ice skating, and I never really ice skated before. And she said I was like a newborn baby giraffe.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's exactly what I'm imagining.

• 53:20Speaker 02

  I mean, I, a hundred percent, I don't think anything's changed.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  Can you skate now?

• 53:24Speaker 01

  No, I've not been again really since then. I'm forty now.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  I imagine ice skating and skiing, terrible.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  They used to do a ski jump one, didn't they? Celebrity ski jump.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 53:34Speaker 02

  Didn't Marcus Brigstocke do that and broke his leg?

• 53:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 02

  Wow, they just wanna kill us, TV production companies. So like, what way can we like, permanently injure?

• 53:41Speaker 00

  I'd do the SAS one, but I'd definitely break something or have some sort of diabetic panic within the first ten minutes.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  I think that sounds horrendous. I wouldn't do the SAS. I definitely wouldn't do the skating on ice. I would definitely do Traitors, and I would probably try Strictly. I would never get asked.

• 53:58Speaker 01

  You will get asked.

• 53:59Speaker 02

  But I wouldn't.

• 54:00Speaker 01

  Absolutely, you'll get asked to do Strictly.

• 54:02Speaker 02

  I don't think, I think I'd like to learn how to do some dancing.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  Yeah!

• 54:07Speaker 01

  They'd definitely ask you to do Strictly. I reckon you're gonna do Strictly now.

• 54:09Speaker 00

  Just imagine at the end of like a dance, just you being like spun round on the floor, and then you land in this position with your head in your hand, you write down, you write down the camera and you go, "Not this lesbian."

• 54:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. Tens from the judges.

• 54:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:23Speaker 02

  Tens all round.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Do you watch Strictly? Do you know who you would like as your dance partner?

• 54:28Speaker 02

  I don't know who I'd like as a dance partner. Oh, I'll tell you who I'd like. Um, yes, I like that, the tall South African guy.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Jojo.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  Jojo.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I have him.

• 54:37Speaker 01

  He's been, he's sat in that seat.

• 54:38Speaker 02

  He's been, he's delightful.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's, he's amazing.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  Also, I feel very safe in his hands. He's very strong and I think he would be able to lift up my weight.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  My mum went to see him in kinky boots.

• 54:48Speaker 02

  I bet he was amazing.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  In Milton Keynes, said he was amazing. And apparently my sister had to talk my mum out of bringing a sign that said James Acaster says hello.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Which I did not tell her to do.

• 55:02Speaker 00

  Like it was the wrestling?

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was like, James Acaster, a musical.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  I love it. Maybe you could come up with one of those horns as well.

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  Aviv Zala, well, he's from, he's from South Africa.

• 55:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, he would have loved that.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  He would have loved it.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  He would have loved it. It's a shame that didn't happen, actually. Maybe we can recreate that on another occasion when he's performing in another, you know, musical.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  We met him now, so it'd be even weirder.

• 55:26Speaker 01

  Well, we met, we met him then.

• 55:28Speaker 02

  I think that would be why it was weird.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, we met him then and it was like, it, it made me feel, I was like, mum, if you had done that and you'd seen that and thought I'd sent you along to do that, I've met him like a couple of times now, but not well enough.

• 55:39Speaker 02

  I love that your mum thought that was a good idea. She sounds great.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was like, she was like, move, move on, let me do it.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Yes. Okay, mum.

• 55:49Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  Thank God my sister was there with her, with her new name.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Um, so you had sparkling water, you had naan, you had nacho, chicken nachos, chips, beans, sausage and cheese, sweet potato fries, a protein shake and strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's awful, all of it. Terrible.

• 56:06Speaker 00

  Most of it's gone to your kids or in the bin, right?

• 56:08Speaker 02

  It's in the bin or with my children. Yeah, yeah. I'm hungry.

• 56:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  There, there's nothing left. I'm taking it. That's it. We're done.

• 56:15Speaker 00

  What are you gonna get on the way home? So it's late now, the meal's finished. It's like 11pm. Your options are limited. What are you grabbing on the way home to fill you up?

• 56:22Speaker 01

  That's the meal.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  That's it. There's nothing else. He hasn't had like a dessert wine or anything.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  No, no, he's just had a protein shake for the whole meal.

• 56:28Speaker 00

  What about that menu suggested dessert wine? We're suddenly gonna swing it back round and go, yeah, he's, he's gonna have a 1992 So Turn.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  I don't know why I said that. Or, or I thought he might have had an espresso.

• 56:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  That's a possibility. He could have had an espresso. That would have been fine. Okay. Did he? He didn't.

• 56:47Speaker 01

  He didn't. I mean, there's a possibility that he had one before he came into the studio because, you know, his choices were all over the place. But like, yeah.

• 56:54Speaker 02

  There's nothing.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  He does like coffee as well.

• 56:56Speaker 02

  So after pudding, there's nothing.

• 56:57Speaker 01

  That's it. Yeah.

• 56:58Speaker 02

  Oh, my God, you guys. This is a terrible situation.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying. If you, when you leave the dream restaurant, if you want to grab something, what would you grab on the way home to fill it up?

• 57:06Speaker 02

  I don't know what's open. Kebab?

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Kebab, yeah.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll go, I'll go have a lamb shish.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Is there somewhere in Brighton where you'd recommend for a lamb shish?

• 57:14Speaker 02

  They're all pretty grim.

• 57:20Speaker 02

  You can't go wrong with a lamb shish, though.

• 57:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got to go shish.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  You've got to go shish. No Donna. I've got shish and no chips. I don't need any more chips.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  No.

• 57:29Speaker 02

  Extra salad, loads of chili sauce. Let's go.

• 57:32Speaker 01

  Well, you, I mean, you're bound to bump into Joel again after this.

• 57:35Speaker 02

  Oh, I don't think for one second. I'm not going to get him in a headlock over this. This is absolutely shocking. I can't, Joel, if you're listening, you should be ashamed of yourself. For one, choosing this menu. And secondly, that I've had to eat it. How, how, I hope you can sleep tonight.

• 57:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:54Speaker 00

  I will say, in Joel's slight defence.

• 57:57Speaker 02

  No, there is no defence.

• 57:58Speaker 00

  He, if he did the menu again, it would be different now. He has told me he's, he's got better taste.

• 58:02Speaker 02

  You've got to get him back on.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, we'll get him back on. Maybe we give him your menu.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't think he'll like my menu. I can't remember what I chose, but there was quite a lot of fish, wasn't there?

• 58:10Speaker 00

  Riddlin' Finns. He went to Riddlin' Finns.

• 58:12Speaker 02

  Did I go there?

• 58:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I love it there.

• 58:14Speaker 01

  He, he, he might not like the cheese board. I don't know.

• 58:17Speaker 02

  Good. Extra blue cheese on there for you, Joel, damn it.

• 58:22Speaker 00

  Well, Jen, um, do you think you reacted to that menu in the way that we'd hoped?

• 58:27Speaker 02

  I think I bloody well did.

• 58:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, he smashed it.

• 58:29Speaker 02

  I think you got exactly what you wanted and you're welcome.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was, it didn't even cross our minds to give you a nice one.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  Thank you. I appreciate it.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  Thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant, Jen.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  No, it was a real, I'd like to say it was a pleasure. I'm absolutely furious.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  No, thank you, Jen. That's what we'd hope.

• 58:52Speaker 00

  Well, she didn't enjoy that, James.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  No, I mean, it went quite bad. She apparently left Joel a voicemail, which-

• 59:03Speaker 00

  Voice message, grandad.

• 59:05Speaker 01

  Which we'll try and get hold of.

• 59:07Speaker 00

  Voice note.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  So we can play it maybe at the end of the, maybe after the-

• 59:11Speaker 00

  Grandad, that's, I'm saying that's me now.

• 59:13Speaker 01

  Maybe after the-

• 59:14Speaker 00

  Couple of grandad.

• 59:15Speaker 01

  After the music, after the outro music of this podcast, if we can get hold of that and play it. Because she sent Joel a-

• 59:23Speaker 00

  She's quite angry about it.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  Pretty angry message.

• 59:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:27Speaker 01

  Pretty much as soon as she left the studio.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:29Speaker 01

  And Joel has messaged us and said, look what I've just got.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  So like, maybe, maybe that permission, we can play that at the end.

• 59:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, Benito can pop that in at the end. Thank you, Benito. Don't forget Jen is on tour with her new show, Reactive. Go and check that out. And also go to allourrelations.co.uk and look at donating to Jen's incredible non-profit. There's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to try and make lives a bit easier for families in crisis in Gaza. So please go and have a look at that.

• 59:58Speaker 01

  We've got to start thinking about who we're going to get on this next and if we're going to give them a bad meal to a bad, to a bad diner.

• 1:00:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:00:07Speaker 01

  A bad dinner guest should get a bad meal from someone.

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:10Speaker 01

  So suggestions to great Benito.

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  I mean, we've done it a couple of times where we've got good diners and given them bad menus.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  So Jen and Bridget.

• 1:00:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:18Speaker 00

  Because we find them funny when they're angry.

• 1:00:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  That's a laugh.

• 1:00:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is a laugh.

• 1:00:23Speaker 01

  But if you could give Benito your suggestions for bad dinner guests who deserve bad menus and which bad menus they should get, that, you know, that, he'll love that.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, he'll love that. Sign chopping board.

• 1:00:34Speaker 01

  Obviously, everyone who tweets him gets a sign chopping board.

• 1:00:37Speaker 00

  I love that you're still on Twitter in your head.

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  Tweets aren't really the thing anymore, man.

• 1:00:43Speaker 01

  People don't do that anymore?

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  Writing letters? Written correspondence is back.

• 1:00:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's back.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  Why do you do that?

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  Have you left that as well?

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, I left. I couldn't quit. It was bad for my head.

• 1:00:54Speaker 00

  You're getting so many rude letters.

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  It's bad for my head, man. I just keep looking at the post every morning.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Searching through for any mention of yourself in everyone's letters.

• 1:01:02Speaker 01

  Every five seconds each day I went to the postbox.

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  Nothing there. Go again. It'd make me sad if there was nothing there. And then if there was something there, I'd go, oh no, look at it.

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  Bleep me out, even if it was nice. I feel dirty for having looked at it, you know?

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu. As always, bye bye.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  Mate, I just did Off Menu. It's a new one where you have to eat somebody else's chosen menu. Anyway, I don't think you'll be surprised to hear I had to eat your abomination. I just can't believe that of all the food you could have chosen, you had nachos followed by chips, cheese, sausage and beans, paired with sweet potato fries and a fucking protein shake. Are you out of your mind? Joel, it was a shocker. Every single time I went, okay, so at least what am I drinking? Tell me I'm drinking something nice. Oh, a protein shake. Literally go fuck yourself. And I mean, I'm still in shock. I can't believe it.

• 1:02:21Speaker 02

  I mean, I'll be honest with you, I didn't take it well. And it wasn't even me to eat it. That's how bad it was. I'm still reeling. Anyway, I hope you're well, mate.