Pod Insights Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster Ian Smith About this episode Edinburgh Comedy Award-nominated stand-up, Northern News podcaster and lead in 2010 sitcom ‘Popatron’, Ian Smith has a table booked this week. But has he thought through his starter?
Ian Smith is on tour now with his new show ‘Foot Spa Half Empty’. For dates and tickets go to iansmithcomedian.co.uk https://www.iansmithcomedian.co.uk/
Listen to Ian’s podcast ‘Northern News’ wherever you listen to podcasts https://podfollow.com/1673261169
Follow Ian on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/iansmithcomedy/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@iansmithcomedy @iansmithcomedy
Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 23 Oct.
Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast
Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial.
And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.
Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.
Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design).
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 18,176 words · 3 speakers
0:12 Speaker 00 Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the pistachios of humour, cracking the shells of friendship and popping them into the mouth of the internet.
0:20 Speaker 01 Just pistachios?
0:21 Speaker 00 Yep.
0:22 Speaker 01 That's how you gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week, we invite a guest and ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, the guest is...
0:32 Speaker 00 Ian Smith. Ian Smith, a wonderful comedian, James.
0:36 Speaker 01 So funny, one of the most naturally funny people I think I've ever met in my life.
0:41 Speaker 00 Very funny, very funny comedian, podcaster.
0:45 Speaker 01 Yep.
0:45 Speaker 00 He has a podcast called Northern News that he does with another friend of the pod, Amy Gladhill.
0:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, so imagine how funny that is.
0:51 Speaker 00 Yes.
0:52 Speaker 01 The Amy Gladhill episode, funny as hell. Ian Smith, funny as hell, both of them together.
0:57 Speaker 00 Yes. He's also released a special called Crushing, which you must go and watch.
1:01 Speaker 01 Amazing show. Ian Smith is on tour, of course, from November with Foot Spa Half Empty. For dates and tickets, go to iansmithcomedian.com.
1:10 Speaker 00 Looking forward to talking to Ian, but if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he will be thrown out of the dream restaurant. James has come up with this one and I think it's harsh.
1:19 Speaker 01 This week, the secret ingredient is...
1:21 Speaker 00 Salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. There's a reason for this, isn't there, James?
1:25 Speaker 01 Ian comes from Gaul and in Gaul, they have the salt and pepper pots, these giant, I think they're like towers for, for something like, they look like water towers or like nuclear power plant shit, but they're nicknamed the salt and pepper pots.
1:39 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:40 Speaker 01 And he spoke about them before, he did a really funny series online about Gaul and he spoke about it on stage. So I associate Ian with the salt and pepper pots. Now, I know it's harsh to say salt and pepper because it's probably in everything. So we're gonna say, if Ian specifies that he wants to add some salt and pepper to something, that's when we'll kick him out.
1:59 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:59 Speaker 01 Or even if, even if he's like saying the ingredients and says...
2:02 Speaker 00 Salt and pepper, yeah.
2:03 Speaker 01 Salt and pepper is very important, that that's gotta be in there, you know. And look, we haven't kicked anyone out in ages.
2:08 Speaker 00 No, and I don't think anyone's actually ever said, oh, don't forget, I'm gonna put salt and pepper all over this.
2:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what I thought, is that, I can't really remember that happening very often. So if it does happen, he deserves it and...
2:18 Speaker 00 I would say if I was picking a fried egg.
2:20 Speaker 01 You would put salt and pepper on the fried egg? You would specify that?
2:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:23 Speaker 01 Wow. Yeah, I don't think I would specify for a fried egg.
2:27 Speaker 00 Hmm.
2:28 Speaker 01 I think I'd specify pepper for certain things, like if I, you know, uh.
2:33 Speaker 00 You're not putting salt and pepper on a fried egg?
2:34 Speaker 01 No, I just eat it. Just have it as it is.
2:36 Speaker 00 Ooh.
2:37 Speaker 01 Maybe on a boiled egg, with salt and pepper.
2:39 Speaker 00 Correct, but why not the fried?
2:41 Speaker 01 Completely different.
2:42 Speaker 00 If I'm having fried eggs and bacon.
2:44 Speaker 01 Hmm.
2:44 Speaker 00 I'm putting salt and pepper on the egg and I'm putting pepper on the bacon.
2:47 Speaker 01 Maybe some pepper, but not some salt. I mean, the bacon's salty enough. I want that to salt up the egg.
2:53 Speaker 00 It's not gonna salt up the egg. You're, no, you're mad.
2:57 Speaker 01 I am mad.
3:02 Speaker 01 Mad for Ian Smith.
3:04 Speaker 00 This is the off-menu menu of Ian Smith.
3:14 Speaker 00 Welcome Ian to the Dream Restaurant.
3:16 Speaker 02 Thank you.
3:18 Speaker 00 Welcome Ian Smith to the Dream Restaurant. Bit's been you for some time.
3:22 Speaker 02 Thank you, yeah, thank you very much. I've only ever heard that before. I've never seen it.
3:27 Speaker 01 Well, I normally laugh during it, but like, I liked your cheery hello.
3:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
3:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
3:32 Speaker 01 Some reason it made me laugh.
3:33 Speaker 00 How did, did the way it looked?
3:34 Speaker 01 I find you funny.
3:35 Speaker 00 Did the way it looked match up to how it sounds for you?
3:39 Speaker 02 Well, is that gonna spoil it for people if they've got an image, but his arms are out, like the Angel of the North?
3:44 Speaker 01 Oh, already. How long did that take? How long did that take, everyone?
3:49 Speaker 02 That wasn't meant to be a cynical, I'm northern, that's my own angle really.
3:54 Speaker 00 It's happened. You wanna plug your podcast, Northern News, clearly. So you immediately brought up the Angel of the North.
3:59 Speaker 02 Cause that looks like that's what I've done.
4:01 Speaker 01 Well, listen, you've done it now, we're here. Tell us about Northern News, Ian.
4:05 Speaker 02 Um, yeah, it's a podcast, very much like this, sort of, um, format wise.
4:11 Speaker 01 Recorded in this room, to be fair.
4:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's recorded in this room, often overlapping with an episode of Off Menu, so you can hear it in the background. Yeah, we just get all the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town weird stories. And we talk about, we talk about them.
4:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:28 Speaker 02 It doesn't sound like there's much to it.
4:30 Speaker 00 I've been on it.
4:31 Speaker 01 It's a podcast, isn't it? It doesn't need to be much to it.
4:34 Speaker 00 It's a great podcast. It's part of the Plosive family.
4:36 Speaker 01 It is.
4:37 Speaker 00 I've been on it and you get a guest to bring in a funny news story from their local area.
4:42 Speaker 02 Yes.
4:42 Speaker 00 Where they grew up. Unfortunately, I grew up in London, so all of the local news stories I found were quite violent.
4:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's harder to find. You've got to get more creative with your searches in London.
4:52 Speaker 00 Yes.
4:52 Speaker 02 You've got to put stuff like, I put weird in quotation marks, but then it'll just be like, man stabbed in weird way.
5:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's, yeah, it's difficult.
5:03 Speaker 01 Yeah. Just to be clear as well.
5:04 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
5:05 Speaker 01 You record it here, you're part of the Plosive family, but Benito is not your producer. You have a different producer.
5:09 Speaker 02 No, no, I've never seen him at the helm of a podcast before.
5:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a very different vibe, isn't it? Because like you come in today and your producer is here. And she's having lunch out there and you came in and your interaction with her really made me think, oh, that's a nicer vibe than what we've got going. Yeah, because you went, beans on toast to her. And she went, yeah, I'm eating beans on toast.
5:31 Speaker 00 Just to clarify, she was eating beans on toast. That is not Ian's nickname for the producer.
5:36 Speaker 01 No, I mean, it's not like she hasn't got a dog called Beans and Ben had his dog in. And they were, they were mating.
5:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:44 Speaker 01 Um, but like, beans on toast. And she was like, yeah, that's right. And I was thinking, if I came in and Ben was eating beans on toast and I went beans on toast. He would scrunch his face up at me and go, yes.
5:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:56 Speaker 01 It would be like, and, and they were like, oh, sorry. And then like, yeah, we came in here before the podcast and he said to us like, yeah, we're warm enough. And Ed said, I'm a bit cold. He went with the heaters on and we sat down.
6:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:08 Speaker 01 And I was thinking, it must be very different for you and your gang. It's like, I've seen your gang on nights out before together.
6:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:15 Speaker 01 You and Amy.
6:16 Speaker 02 We hang out.
6:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:18 Speaker 02 If it's too cold, Anya will put her beans on toast closer to us.
6:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:22 Speaker 02 So the heat from the beans will, will get us, if that's what's needed.
6:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, that'd be nice.
6:27 Speaker 02 But this Ben, he's a surly. Miserable.
6:29 Speaker 00 Yes.
6:30 Speaker 01 It's a different vibe, but I don't see you guys.
6:32 Speaker 00 But also what I would say to back Benito up slightly is if you came in and shouted beans on toast and he was eating beans on toast. And he would go, yes, and scrunch his face up.
6:41 Speaker 01 Yes.
6:41 Speaker 00 So that should show you that he doesn't like that sort of thing.
6:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:45 Speaker 00 But instead, what you do is you then do it more.
6:47 Speaker 01 I try and break through that wall. I wanna.
6:49 Speaker 00 But he doesn't want you to break through the wall.
6:51 Speaker 01 I wanna.
6:51 Speaker 00 He likes his wall.
6:53 Speaker 01 Hmm.
6:53 Speaker 00 And he loves being behind it.
6:54 Speaker 02 Have you not in all this time found something that that Benito would like?
6:58 Speaker 00 He does it. He loves it. He laughs on the podcast when we do something wrong.
7:03 Speaker 01 Yes, he likes that.
7:04 Speaker 00 If we're embarrassed or we say something wrong, he loves that.
7:07 Speaker 01 He likes our own, like, yeah, if we fall short of what is expected of us.
7:11 Speaker 00 James, James once got the name of a guest wrong at the top of the episode and Benito loved that.
7:15 Speaker 01 Yes, even though I've got it wrong because he had sent us the name of the guest beforehand and autocorrected, changed their name. So it was kind of his fault.
7:25 Speaker 00 Yes.
7:26 Speaker 02 So you and you just went with the autocorrect.
7:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, and it really gave away that I didn't, which is obviously awful because I've already spoke to them in the, you know, out there. I've already been like, hey, welcome to the podcast. So so glad you're on it. We're so excited.
7:38 Speaker 00 Yeah, we're fans. Yeah.
7:40 Speaker 01 Sit down, get their name wrong.
7:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, you don't know who they are.
7:42 Speaker 01 No, and then they know that. They're like, oh, okay, this guy's full of shit.
7:47 Speaker 02 I was once at a gig, brought under the compa, went, um, type of our next act, it's, um, ah. And then they looked over at me and they went, ah, I'm looking at him and I know him, I know him, I know him. And then they said, what's your name? And I looked at that. I was in a mood and I looked at their promoter. I was like, I'm not, I'm not saying my fucking name. I'm not shouting my own name out.
8:15 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's embarrassing.
8:16 Speaker 02 It's Ian Smith and then going, one of my favourite comedians here.
8:19 Speaker 00 Good friend of mine.
8:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, just in a mood, I was silent. And then the promoter went, Ian Smith, but in that sort of tone. And then I died on my arse for 20 minutes.
8:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course. No respect for that.
8:31 Speaker 00 Also, if a comp has forgotten your name, even if he remembered it, no offence to your name, but it sounds like he's made it up on the spot.
8:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get brought on as Ian Stone quite a lot.
8:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:43 Speaker 01 Really?
8:44 Speaker 02 Um, yeah.
8:45 Speaker 01 I'm sure listening, Ian Stone is a completely different comedian.
8:47 Speaker 00 Sixties and a sixties.
8:48 Speaker 01 Of a different generation, yes.
8:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. But I'll do his stuff. He's got good gear.
8:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's a good comic.
8:53 Speaker 01 To be fair, you put Ian Stone in any room, he's gonna rip it. So I'll take that.
8:57 Speaker 02 More so than me, actually.
8:58 Speaker 01 Yeah. Well, with all due respect.
9:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a blessing.
9:00 Speaker 00 I think that was the subtext of what James was saying.
9:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
9:03 Speaker 02 Putting Ian Stone in any, there was an emphasis on Stone. Putting Ian Stone in any room.
9:07 Speaker 01 But no, no, but just to be clear, more than any of us, I think Ian Stone's hit rate obliterates our hit rate combined, the three of us.
9:14 Speaker 00 So I think you said the angel of the north because you are connected with the north. That's where your heart lies.
9:20 Speaker 01 Hmm.
9:21 Speaker 00 Because I think there's other outstretched arms things that you could have compared James's body to.
9:25 Speaker 01 Titanic.
9:25 Speaker 00 Titanic.
9:26 Speaker 02 Titanic, Jesus.
9:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:28 Speaker 02 But I think that's it. Titanic, Jesus, angel of the north.
9:31 Speaker 00 Uh, Paul Gorton from the Traitors, just before he bowed.
9:34 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry, sorry. Ed's up a job. Can't get his head out of that. Apologies.
9:40 Speaker 02 I think all four of them would get on as well.
9:42 Speaker 00 I think they would. That's, that's dream, dream dinner party line on dream blunt rotation.
9:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:47 Speaker 01 Dream blunt rotation. Jesus, Paul from the Traitors, angel of the north, and Kate Winslet, Kate Winslet, I guess, is the.
9:55 Speaker 02 Off blunt rotation.
9:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:58 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's a good idea.
9:59 Speaker 02 Get me our coke.
10:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:00 Speaker 00 That's a good, well, it's a good new format point for off menu really, isn't it? We do poppydums or bread and then do dream blunt rotation.
10:05 Speaker 01 Pass the blunt.
10:06 Speaker 02 Hmm.
10:07 Speaker 01 If you were, if we were, I mean, we are sat in a circle.
10:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:10 Speaker 01 Um, if you had to pass the blunt now, I'm, I'm opposite you. So I guess I'm out.
10:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:15 Speaker 01 But if you've got to pass the blunt to either Benito or Ed.
10:18 Speaker 00 And don't be swayed by musical use, who of course said, pass the duchy to the left hand side.
10:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, don't be.
10:23 Speaker 02 I go, what? So I'm, I'm no longer making up the people. It's just who would I pass?
10:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:29 Speaker 02 Who would I pass drugs to?
10:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:30 Speaker 01 Now.
10:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:31 Speaker 02 Well, I'd say Ben, Ben doesn't like having been shouted at him. I don't know if he's gonna be a big recreational drug user. So I'd probably say Ed. And if I'd never met Ed before, I'd, I'd be like, he's got tattoos.
10:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
10:45 Speaker 02 He doesn't have tattoos.
10:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:47 Speaker 02 Drugie.
10:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:48 Speaker 02 Never touched a drug in his life.
10:49 Speaker 00 So you're passing to me, then I have to pass to James, which leaves James in the unfortunate situation of passing to the great Benito.
10:55 Speaker 01 Passing it back to Ed, I guess.
10:58 Speaker 01 I guess that's what I gotta do.
11:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's good dream blunt rotation.
11:02 Speaker 01 Also, let's talk about your new tour show, Crushing.
11:06 Speaker 02 Oh, oh.
11:07 Speaker 01 Also, let's talk about.
11:09 Speaker 00 You made another mistake. Benito's loving it.
11:11 Speaker 01 Here's the thing as well.
11:12 Speaker 02 Look at you genuinely smiling.
11:13 Speaker 01 I was gonna, yeah, now he's smiling because I made a mistake. See how delighted he is?
11:17 Speaker 02 He does like that.
11:17 Speaker 01 He's really happy that I fucked it up and that it's your new special and not your new tour show.
11:22 Speaker 02 But it's only, but it was a tour and now it's been announced as a special.
11:26 Speaker 01 Well, here's the really bad thing. I was gonna, for a joke, get the name wrong. Cause I've done that, you know, we talked about me getting names. So I could have got the name of your special wrong. And I thought, no, don't do that. Do it proper. And then I got it wrong anyway.
11:36 Speaker 00 You got it wrong anyway. Yeah. You're a natural.
11:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:39 Speaker 01 I'm a natural. Crushing, the new comedy special for me and Smith.
11:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, I did a show and then you just do it. You do it until, until you're nearly bored of it.
11:49 Speaker 01 Yep.
11:49 Speaker 00 Oh, I've just realised you're bad at plugging your own stuff.
11:52 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, yeah.
11:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, okay.
11:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is, whatever is about to happen here, it's not gonna get more eyes on this special.
11:59 Speaker 02 Oh, really, really? Oh, it's, it's, it's good. It's good. It's about stress, romance.
12:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:06 Speaker 02 Um, and driving a tank, um, over a car with your hairdresser. That's the three men famous.
12:12 Speaker 01 That's good, actually. To be honest, that, that's gonna get a lot of eyes. That's good. Yeah, that, that's, a lot of people are gonna be intrigued by that.
12:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, not a lot of comedians are doing tank stuff.
12:23 Speaker 00 Especially with the hairdresser.
12:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:24 Speaker 00 I know a lot of comedians are doing driving a tank over a car, but they're never with a hairdresser.
12:28 Speaker 02 And a lot of people doing hairdresser stuff.
12:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:30 Speaker 01 Hmm.
12:31 Speaker 02 But I'm the only one who's seen the opportunity to combine the two.
12:34 Speaker 00 Gap in the market.
12:35 Speaker 02 In Slovakia as well.
12:36 Speaker 00 Oh, wow. There you go. Another USP.
12:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:39 Speaker 01 I mean, I can't even imagine being in Slovakia with my hairdresser.
12:42 Speaker 02 Really?
12:43 Speaker 01 I mean, that's, I, I, I wanna hear the story just to know how you ended up, e- even if I bumped into them, I'd be like, this is crazy.
12:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:50 Speaker 01 Although, so you, you've either gone on holiday with your hairdresser or you've bumped into them in Slovakia.
12:55 Speaker 00 Or they were in the car.
12:57 Speaker 01 Or they were in the, oh, oh.
12:58 Speaker 02 Oh, well.
12:58 Speaker 00 You drove the tank over.
12:59 Speaker 02 I don't like him.
13:00 Speaker 00 So, well, no, you just realised just the last second as the, the tank went over. You're like, that's my head. Oh, my God.
13:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm gonna have to find someone else. Rather than I've killed someone.
13:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
13:10 Speaker 02 Be like, ah, I have to find someone else.
13:12 Speaker 00 Say hairdresser, rather than barber.
13:15 Speaker 01 Oh, here we go.
13:16 Speaker 02 I think, yeah.
13:17 Speaker 00 No, it's just I'm interested.
13:19 Speaker 02 I don't know why I've always introduced him as my, well, we had a conversation where I'd introduce him as my hairdresser. And then as we got to know each other more, I'd introduce him as my friend.
13:28 Speaker 01 Yes.
13:29 Speaker 00 That's lovely.
13:29 Speaker 02 But the first few times I introduced him to someone early on in our relationship, I would probably say, this is my hairdresser, Dom.
13:36 Speaker 01 And he'd be standing behind you.
13:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:38 Speaker 01 Always.
13:39 Speaker 02 But yeah, he'd be behind them and I'd give them a mirror. That's my hairdresser behind you, right? Whoa, oh!
13:46 Speaker 01 Oh, very nice.
13:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
13:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's very nice.
13:49 Speaker 02 Um, yeah, but he'd just cut my hair and then we'd just started chatting and then it sort of developed to, uh, should I get a pint after this?
13:56 Speaker 01 Wow.
13:56 Speaker 02 We'd have, um, but he's into comedy and I've done some little comedy films with him. And, um, yeah, then we'd start drinking and then it would be more calculated, like, when can we get our hair cut? Well, I get my haircut, let me do his.
14:13 Speaker 02 But what time is good for you to cut my hair when then there's free time afterwards where we can hang out for a little bit?
14:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, and it's just become a really good friendship. It's, some people would say it's sad that you've had to get a friendship through essentially the service industry.
14:30 Speaker 02 But no, I think it's lovely.
14:31 Speaker 00 Hey, look, a lot of men do it.
14:32 Speaker 02 More friends.
14:34 Speaker 01 I also.
14:35 Speaker 02 She's my friend, she's my friend really, more than anything.
14:38 Speaker 00 We message, we message a lot.
14:39 Speaker 01 Your hair looks fantastic as well, which is, which is, which is just as well, cause like, it's hard to like.
14:46 Speaker 02 Really?
14:46 Speaker 01 Even when you're not friends with your hairdresser, to leave you, to go somewhere else and get your haircut, I find it's a bit awkward.
14:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
14:53 Speaker 01 If I was really good friends with them, then I'd be like, well, how am I, if they stopped doing a good job, I'd be like, what the fuck?
15:00 Speaker 00 Well, James and I were friends with our hairdresser for a bit, we had the same hairdresser.
15:05 Speaker 02 Uh-oh.
15:06 Speaker 00 But then, but then he sorted out the awkwardness by just quitting hairdressing.
15:10 Speaker 01 He just quit, quit hairdressing, so we didn't, I mean, it wasn't awkward because we were happy with our hair, but when he quit, you're just like, well, I'll just go somewhere else.
15:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:16 Speaker 01 I've just put my first one somewhere, it's close to me, you see, it's mainly a distance thing, I was travelling all that way to go and get my haircut.
15:21 Speaker 02 I think I'd travel far for Dom.
15:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, how far? Well, Slovakia, I guess.
15:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:28 Speaker 00 So that, so that was a good plug.
15:29 Speaker 01 That's a good plug, well done, man. Hair plugs.
15:31 Speaker 00 Oh.
15:35 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah.
15:38 Speaker 01 Oh man, you've got to clip that up because that's more of a visual thing.
15:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:42 Speaker 01 Is that Ed just looked at it and went, ah.
15:45 Speaker 01 Well, I said it.
15:48 Speaker 01 It wasn't even, I didn't even, the joke I made wasn't even a, it was just like, it was, it was just like answer smash or whatever. On a House of Games, hair plugs, and then, ah.
15:58 Speaker 00 I looked at Ian straight away for a reaction and got nothing.
16:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I didn't know what to say to that.
16:03 Speaker 00 No, fair enough.
16:05 Speaker 02 Eventually, there was a little pause, but then I said, yes. You went, yes, yeah.
16:10 Speaker 00 It's a yes, it's a yes rather than a laugh.
16:12 Speaker 01 You've got to clip that up and that's going to go viral.
16:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:14 Speaker 02 The main thing that I want from this is that we go viral.
16:17 Speaker 00 Yes.
16:18 Speaker 02 At some point.
16:18 Speaker 01 It would be great.
16:20 Speaker 00 Shall we begin and see what virality we can mine from it?
16:23 Speaker 01 I'm going to ask you for the first question and you've got to go viral.
16:28 Speaker 02 What mindset of this?
16:33 Speaker 01 Still a spark of water.
16:35 Speaker 02 Oh, but what?
16:36 Speaker 00 Difficult to go viral with a.
16:37 Speaker 02 Yes, I had to go viral with that, isn't it?
16:39 Speaker 01 Oh, come on.
16:40 Speaker 02 Blood.
16:43 Speaker 01 That'd be great. Give, give, give that the right title, clickbait wise.
16:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
16:47 Speaker 01 Northern comic drinks blood.
16:48 Speaker 02 Northern comic destroys heckler with blood.
16:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:51 Speaker 01 Have you ever destroyed a heckler?
16:52 Speaker 02 I don't think there's any left now. They've all been destroyed.
16:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:56 Speaker 02 They've all been humbly blown up.
16:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:58 Speaker 02 Like a bike left at a train station.
17:00 Speaker 00 Do they blow up bikes?
17:01 Speaker 02 They destroy them, yeah.
17:02 Speaker 00 Do they?
17:03 Speaker 02 They'll say if, if a bike's left unattended, they'll get destroyed.
17:06 Speaker 00 But I thought they only did that with things that could have bombs in them.
17:09 Speaker 02 A bike can have a bomb in it?
17:11 Speaker 00 No, a bike's, a bike's got no, a bike's got no insides. A bike's showing everything off, isn't it?
17:17 Speaker 02 The frames, tyres.
17:18 Speaker 01 Something in there.
17:19 Speaker 00 You're not getting much of a bomb in there, are you?
17:21 Speaker 01 Stink bomb.
17:21 Speaker 00 Basically getting a firework in there.
17:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:23 Speaker 00 Stink bombs. Ah.
17:25 Speaker 01 Grew up on the Beano. Stink bombs is a big thing in my head.
17:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:32 Speaker 01 Stink bombs, pea shooters, catapults.
17:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:35 Speaker 02 Really?
17:35 Speaker 01 They're big in Beano world.
17:36 Speaker 00 Big piles of sausage and mash.
17:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:38 Speaker 02 Hmm. Yeah, I've had, I think I've only had two of, out of that list.
17:42 Speaker 01 Sausage and mash?
17:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, and a catapult.
17:44 Speaker 01 A catapult.
17:45 Speaker 02 Am I allowed to take back blood?
17:47 Speaker 01 No, I don't think so. That was your answer.
17:49 Speaker 02 No, I don't really want that.
17:51 Speaker 00 If you don't mind not going viral.
17:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't mind not going viral.
17:54 Speaker 00 Okay, you can take back blood.
17:56 Speaker 01 Do you think you'd be a good vampire if you became a vampire, if someone bit you and turned you into one?
18:01 Speaker 00 That's the traditional way, yeah.
18:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's the traditional way.
18:04 Speaker 02 But there's always, what came first? The vampire or the bite?
18:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, sure.
18:09 Speaker 00 Bat.
18:09 Speaker 02 A bat, yeah.
18:10 Speaker 01 A bat started it.
18:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
18:14 Speaker 02 I think I would be a good vampire. Mike, can I ask a, a secondary question before I do? What makes a bad vampire?
18:21 Speaker 00 Good point.
18:22 Speaker 01 I guess, like, you've really got to want to be a vampire. You've got to want to go around biting people.
18:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:29 Speaker 01 Drinking blood, staying up all night, not, not ever being in daylight again.
18:34 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
18:34 Speaker 01 You know, you've got to enjoy that lifestyle, otherwise you're gonna be miserable for eternity.
18:39 Speaker 02 Hmm.
18:40 Speaker 00 Well, like, the guy, I don't know if you ever saw True Blood, the show True Blood, but there was vampires in that who didn't want to kill humans and drink blood. So they, they've found a way of making, like, synthetic blood that you could sustain yourself on.
18:53 Speaker 02 Oh, so, yeah, that'd be all right, even if I didn't like it. But, yeah, I think nightlife wise, I'd probably hang out a lot at the Hippodrome. Twenty-four hours.
19:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:03 Speaker 02 So, yeah, I'd probably get up at, get up at sunset, go to the Hippodrome, try and get a circle of friends in the sort of poker world.
19:10 Speaker 00 There's gonna be some sad characters around there, aren't there?
19:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, but they're the ones that I'll kill.
19:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, oh, okay, great.
19:16 Speaker 02 You don't have to eat them. But I've added that.
19:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:19 Speaker 01 Take their blood.
19:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, but that's how good a vampire I'd be.
19:22 Speaker 01 You just eat the whole thing.
19:23 Speaker 00 You go, you go to the Hippodrome Casino at sunset, spend all night there, befriending sad, lonely people and then eat their, eat their blood.
19:31 Speaker 02 And what do they call it at a restaurant? Like, top to tail?
19:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
19:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:35 Speaker 02 A top to tail as a vampire. Nose to tail, yeah.
19:38 Speaker 01 And you probably preached to all the other vampires how you shouldn't be wasting.
19:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:41 Speaker 01 The whole animal.
19:42 Speaker 02 Hair to foot, I'd call it. Be a hair to foot vampire.
19:46 Speaker 00 Hat to shoe.
19:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:48 Speaker 01 Would you um buy your hairdresser or Amy Gladhill?
19:51 Speaker 02 No, people, people who are, people I work with or friend, close friends, I don't think I would.
19:56 Speaker 00 No.
19:56 Speaker 02 Unless they wanted to be a vampire as well.
19:58 Speaker 01 You'd leave and be?
19:59 Speaker 02 Yeah. So I'd probably tell them that I was a vampire.
20:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:02 Speaker 02 Cause with the scheduling of doing the podcast, Amy'd be like, can we do like one o'clock?
20:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:07 Speaker 02 What, in July? Like, no, we fucking can't.
20:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:09 Speaker 02 I'm a vampire.
20:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, remember, I keep telling you, I'm a vampire now.
20:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:13 Speaker 02 But she, if I told her I was a vampire, she'd just say, save it for the pod.
20:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:19 Speaker 02 We can't have any conversation that looks like it might be a good conversation.
20:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
20:23 Speaker 02 Without having to stop it and be like, oh, let's just save it.
20:26 Speaker 00 Save it for the pod.
20:27 Speaker 02 Yeah. Sad, isn't it?
20:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, you said that about your notebook at the top. Ed went on your notebook and you went.
20:32 Speaker 00 Not a notebook.
20:33 Speaker 01 What is it?
20:34 Speaker 02 It's a diary.
20:35 Speaker 00 He's got a paper diary.
20:35 Speaker 02 With a notebook section.
20:36 Speaker 00 Which is classic vampire behaviour.
20:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
20:39 Speaker 02 And um, wait till you see this, for a paper notebook, you think that's sad. It's colour coordinated.
20:45 Speaker 00 Wow.
20:46 Speaker 01 You've, you've highlighted.
20:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:48 Speaker 01 You, you, Joe, what?
20:49 Speaker 02 We can't use this clip, by the way, because the amount I get paid for gigs is written on there as well.
20:53 Speaker 00 Start to go viral.
20:54 Speaker 01 This is not what I would expect of you, Ian.
20:56 Speaker 02 Really?
20:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, like, this is like, and not that I think of you as a disorganised person, I've known you for a long time. Uh, you're, you're a very hardworking, uh, talented man.
21:06 Speaker 02 Thank you.
21:07 Speaker 01 But I would not expect you to be this, uh, regimented with like.
21:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:11 Speaker 01 The, the, you've got about four different colours there that you're using to highlight things.
21:15 Speaker 00 It's like we're interviewing Stephen Bartlett.
21:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:18 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
21:18 Speaker 01 Stephen Bartlett.
21:19 Speaker 02 Um, can I quickly talk about Huell as well then? We've got some good stuff about Huell.
21:24 Speaker 00 That's your answer for Stillus Barkley?
21:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
21:25 Speaker 01 Yeah. I mean, I don't really know what to say about that, because it's like, you're just a completely different person in my mind.
21:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:31 Speaker 02 Really?
21:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, I've always thought of you, I, I'd say you fall into the scamp category.
21:36 Speaker 02 Really?
21:37 Speaker 01 A scamp.
21:37 Speaker 02 Cheeky little scamp?
21:38 Speaker 00 Hmm.
21:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, a bit of a cheeky little scamp.
21:40 Speaker 00 I think what James is saying is he didn't expect you to have an organised diary. He expected all of, all of your stuff to be written on a leaf and shit.
21:47 Speaker 02 Yeah. You sort of wanted it.
21:49 Speaker 01 Somewhere in between that. Let's find, let's find our middle ground.
21:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think I give off a very, um, sort of gravy kind of vibe.
21:58 Speaker 01 No, come on.
21:58 Speaker 02 Dumb, dumb novice.
21:59 Speaker 00 Is that what you're saying, James?
22:00 Speaker 01 Not what I was saying.
22:01 Speaker 02 No, if that's what you mean, that's absolutely fine.
22:03 Speaker 01 Maybe I do have to go away and examine that.
22:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I once lost my diary and I'm in my life's ruin.
22:09 Speaker 00 Well, this is the problem with the paper diary, isn't it?
22:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
22:12 Speaker 00 Do you have a digital backup?
22:13 Speaker 02 I have a part digital back. I will back it up. I back it up basically whenever someone's gone, "You got a paper diary."
22:19 Speaker 00 Right.
22:19 Speaker 02 And then I remember I should back that up.
22:21 Speaker 00 So surely that'd be every day someone says that?
22:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:23 Speaker 02 No, I don't get my diary out a lot.
22:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:25 Speaker 02 I'm gone. Not really in demand work wise.
22:29 Speaker 01 Could have all me, that's chock a block.
22:30 Speaker 00 Yeah, that is chock a block.
22:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I put-
22:32 Speaker 01 Unless all three colours mean day off.
22:35 Speaker 02 Um, yeah, only oranges, um, personal time.
22:39 Speaker 00 Can you give us a little, um, a little preview of the diary?
22:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:43 Speaker 02 Um-
22:43 Speaker 00 A little sneak peek?
22:44 Speaker 02 Right. Oh, fucking hell. This is sad. Um, well, this is our, September starts, all right? Coming back from Berlin, that's in orange, that's my time.
22:52 Speaker 00 This is last September.
22:53 Speaker 02 Last September, yeah.
22:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:54 Speaker 01 Come back, you, you in your hairdresser?
22:56 Speaker 02 Uh, no, no, this was more, this was a more reasonable, um, Berlin with my girlfriend, visiting her brother and his wife.
23:04 Speaker 00 Lovely.
23:05 Speaker 02 Come back on the 3rd in yellow because this is something I need to remember. Cancel my Apple TV subscription. And we're currently in January, I still got Apple TV.
23:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:16 Speaker 02 Still got it.
23:17 Speaker 00 So the, the collarbone doesn't work at all, yeah?
23:19 Speaker 02 Still got it, haven't watched anything. Uh-
23:21 Speaker 00 Severance scene though.
23:22 Speaker 02 Phil Wang, Phil Wang party, I've written.
23:25 Speaker 01 Phil Wang party, what, what colour's that?
23:27 Speaker 02 Um, that's in yellow as well.
23:28 Speaker 01 So that's something you had to remember?
23:30 Speaker 02 That's an appointment I need to remember.
23:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's not personal time.
23:32 Speaker 01 So that doesn't get orange, that gets yellow?
23:33 Speaker 02 No, that should get orange.
23:35 Speaker 00 Is it Phil Wang party or is it, uh, cancel Phil Wang party?
23:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:38 Speaker 02 Oh, yes. Yeah, so get an Apple TV subscription and cancel Phil Wang's party.
23:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, cancel Phil Wang, he says a lot of questionable stuff.
23:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, then it's just gigs, northern news.
23:50 Speaker 02 Um, oh, here we go. You'll love this. Birthday kudu. Have you been to kudu in Peckham?
23:55 Speaker 00 We have. We all went together on a menu trip.
23:57 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
23:58 Speaker 01 Delicious.
23:59 Speaker 02 That's in yellow.
24:00 Speaker 01 Kids go and remember it. Your birthdays doesn't fall into personal.
24:03 Speaker 02 Birthday's got a little sticker on it, actually.
24:05 Speaker 00 Oh, stickers. I didn't know there was stickers involved.
24:07 Speaker 02 This is, no.
24:08 Speaker 01 What are the stickers about?
24:10 Speaker 02 In the.
24:11 Speaker 01 Where do you, where, where, where do you buy the stickers from?
24:13 Speaker 02 You don't buy this thing. That'd be humiliating. In the back of your pad.
24:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:18 Speaker 02 You get this little, um, section here.
24:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:20 Speaker 02 It's like a little pocket.
24:21 Speaker 00 Little pocket that's also completely, you couldn't put anything in it because it's open at the bottom.
24:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, you put your hand through it.
24:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:29 Speaker 02 But because it's well used.
24:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:31 Speaker 02 But, um, that had little stickers in it.
24:33 Speaker 00 Hmm.
24:34 Speaker 02 And I thought, I want to use those stickers for something. So I pop them down on my mum's birthday, my dad's birthday, my brother's birthday.
24:40 Speaker 00 Your own birthday.
24:41 Speaker 02 And yeah, and then my own, which I think has become sad.
24:45 Speaker 01 Yes.
24:45 Speaker 00 What are the stickers? Are they?
24:47 Speaker 01 What's it sticker of on your own birthday?
24:48 Speaker 02 You'll love this. Birthday cake.
24:52 Speaker 02 You'll love that. And that's food.
24:55 Speaker 01 And why, um, don't you use a diary, um, in your phone or like on your, like so that it, you know, you couldn't lose it, you know?
25:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a good question. Um, I think I like to visualize where, listen, I've said this before, that I like to visualize my week and month. And then people say you can do that online.
25:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:15 Speaker 02 So just preempting your, your criticism, I can visualize, visualize it online. Um, I like highlighter pens, I guess is what.
25:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:23 Speaker 02 It ultimately will come down to.
25:25 Speaker 00 Yes.
25:26 Speaker 01 Pop lumps or bread? Pop lumps or bread, Ian Smith? Pop lumps or bread?
25:29 Speaker 00 I don't think we actually got the water.
25:30 Speaker 01 Blood is the answer.
25:32 Speaker 00 Blood has to be the answer now.
25:33 Speaker 02 Okay, well, in blood, um, bread, please.
25:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:37 Speaker 00 To mop up the blood?
25:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, well.
25:40 Speaker 01 Have to.
25:40 Speaker 02 The whole, the rest, the whole menu has changed because of blood. Trying to compliment blood.
25:48 Speaker 02 But yeah, it would have to be bread.
25:50 Speaker 00 Talk to us about the bread. What's the, what's the bread that you want?
25:53 Speaker 02 Well, I had like two options in my head. One of them seemed pretentious.
25:58 Speaker 00 Don't worry about that. Are you worried you're gonna lose some of the more grassroots northern followers that you have if you sound pretentious?
26:07 Speaker 02 Well, my options are Scottish and pretentious. Not that the two can't meet.
26:12 Speaker 00 Absolutely not.
26:14 Speaker 01 Example of when the two do meet?
26:16 Speaker 02 Oh.
26:17 Speaker 00 Edinburgh?
26:18 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, sorry.
26:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:25 Speaker 02 So I think my favorite bit of bread, have you ever had a buttery? I don't know if it, it's also kind of like a rowy, an Aberdeen rowy, rowy. I don't, I don't fuck, I don't know how you say this shit, but I like it.
26:37 Speaker 00 Talk us through it. I have, I think I've heard of it as a buttery.
26:40 Speaker 02 So butteries are, they're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant. And they're made using a lot of fat, like butter and lard in there. And they were invented for like fishermen to, um, to give them like energy for the day. Cause there's just so much fat in it. But, um, yeah, it's like a sort of condensed croissant. Yeah. It's just so sort of buttery and flaky. And they're, they're very nice, but you can burn them in an instant and they can be ruined. And I, so I think I will go with that.
27:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:12 Speaker 02 My other option was potato damper. Well, I want it, I want to cook it a bit more on some hot coals. I had that.
27:19 Speaker 00 What's that potato damper? I don't, you've got to describe what that is. And also it doesn't sound pretentious to me.
27:23 Speaker 02 Really?
27:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:24 Speaker 02 So this is, I was in a restaurant in Adelaide, I think it's called Onorana or Onana, shout out to whoever they are. But it was one of the few like very expensive, like 12 course restaurants I went to. I went with the comedian Lloyd Langford, who's very good to go to, like quite a pretentious restaurant. He cuts it all away.
27:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:47 Speaker 02 With lovely conversation. And, um, the first course was a potato damper, which I think is just like a potatoey bread. They put a stick in it. So it's got a stick and some leaves and it's served on like hot coals and you just kind of finish it off on the hot coals.
28:03 Speaker 00 Nice.
28:03 Speaker 02 Which sounds a bit, some, I like some of those restaurants, but some of it's a bit, a bit wanky. But I like that. I liked finishing off the bread and I like the sort of scorch of charcoal.
28:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, so that's one that you you can burn a little bit.
28:17 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, you can burn a potato damper.
28:20 Speaker 00 The buttery, you can't burn it.
28:22 Speaker 02 No, no.
28:22 Speaker 00 No.
28:23 Speaker 01 I mean, they both sound delicious.
28:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:24 Speaker 02 Hmm.
28:24 Speaker 01 You can have a little bread basket, have both of them in there.
28:27 Speaker 02 Oh, I'd love that, yeah.
28:28 Speaker 00 But you need the coal, you need the coals situation, don't you?
28:31 Speaker 02 Well, maybe could I have a bread basket with minimum two not quite cooked bits of bread?
28:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:37 Speaker 02 And I'll finish them off myself.
28:38 Speaker 00 Yes.
28:39 Speaker 02 On hot coals.
28:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:40 Speaker 01 Do you want Lloyd there to take the edge off the potato damper? So it's not as pretentious?
28:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, I would like that.
28:45 Speaker 01 Lloyd.
28:46 Speaker 00 What, how, what sort of things was Lloyd saying that took the edge off?
28:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:49 Speaker 02 My favourite thing, so one of the courses, we had a crocodile soup with botanicals.
28:55 Speaker 00 Right.
28:55 Speaker 01 Wow.
28:55 Speaker 02 And they give you this bowl of like botanical leaves and there's a list of what leaves are in the bowl. And they invite you to take the leaves out, kind of crack them, put them in your mouth, have a little taste of them. And see if you can correspond them to the the name.
29:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:12 Speaker 02 And if you're doing that by yourself, I think is sadder than my diary, just like lining up your little leaves in your list.
29:18 Speaker 00 Honestly, Ian, when you were describing it, all I was thinking was I'd love to just do that alone.
29:23 Speaker 02 Really?
29:24 Speaker 01 I'd love it.
29:25 Speaker 02 But you could do that.
29:25 Speaker 00 That'd be heaven.
29:26 Speaker 02 The problem is someone needs to present you with it. Cause if you collect some leaves and then have a list of the leaves you've got, you know.
29:34 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah. In this restaurant scenario, eating alone is what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking I'd collect the botanicals myself, go home and set up, set up an exam for myself.
29:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Good luck making your own crocodile soup.
29:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:46 Speaker 01 It's the thing that Lloyd does. Does he sing Crocodile Soup to the tune of Crocodile Shoes?
29:50 Speaker 00 He would do that.
29:51 Speaker 02 No, but I'd love that. My dad's a big Jimmy Nail fan.
29:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:54 Speaker 02 I know more about the two Crocodile Shoes albums than a lot of people on the comedy circuit. Um, did you know there was a sequel to Crocodile Shoes?
30:02 Speaker 01 No.
30:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, Crocodile Shoes 2.
30:05 Speaker 01 Wow, I thought only rappers did sequels to their albums, but Jimmy Nail did it.
30:09 Speaker 02 Jimmy Nail and rappers.
30:10 Speaker 00 Crocodile Shoes 2?
30:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:11 Speaker 00 Everything you say I want to talk about for 15 minutes.
30:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, that's the, that's the, that's the issue here.
30:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, but quickly, the highlight that Lloyd said, one of the, um, one of the plants, um, was called Lemon Myrtle.
30:23 Speaker 00 Hmm.
30:24 Speaker 02 And in what was quite, it's a very cool restaurant, but I guess it's, there's a bit of a stuffiness, I guess, to some of the clientele of that restaurant, it was quite quiet. And, um, Lloyd just bit a leaf and really loudly went, Lemon Myrtle, all day long, all day long. And put it in, he was saying stuff like that.
30:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:43 Speaker 02 And I liked that.
30:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, we, we went on holiday, holiday with Lloyd, got stuck in New York with him.
30:47 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
30:48 Speaker 01 It was absolutely brilliant, really fun games. I've, I've got a photo of him on my phone because the BBC wanted to do an interview with us on the news. Him and John Robbins did it. He got a chain out of the drawer and decided to wear it within Airbnb. Just some random chain that had USA, a big medallion that said USA. So he put it on, but didn't frame himself well on the camera. So it cut off the medallion. So it just looked like he had a big gold chain on and he was, because they had the screen up, it was live on the news. So he was looking at the screen as well to see how he was coming across. But he was, he was reading this, all the headlines that are going along the bottom. So he just looks completely confused.
31:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:25 Speaker 01 Like a giant baby who's wearing a gold chain for no reason.
31:28 Speaker 00 It was only John who said something as well, wasn't it?
31:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:30 Speaker 00 He answered all the questions and Lloyd's just there, just doing that.
31:33 Speaker 01 Like, like he's some heavy in the, he sat next to him. And that, that's, that's my contact image for Lloyd.
31:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think I'd like Lloyd Langford at this mail, actually.
31:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's a good, that's a good shout.
31:43 Speaker 01 And actually, I didn't even take that, uh, screen grab myself of Lloyd. The comedian Andrew O'Neil tweeted it out of context. To just on its own, without any description, just a screen grab of Lloyd. Brilliant.
31:55 Speaker 00 Fantastic.
31:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, get him at the mail. I want him wearing the chain.
31:58 Speaker 01 Great.
31:59 Speaker 00 Perfect.
32:02 Speaker 00 We're getting to your menu proper now, your dream starter, Ian.
32:05 Speaker 02 Um, so this starter, I've tried to, um, basically take everything, it's hard getting a menu. So I've just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu. And I've sort of combined it, but I think the flavours work.
32:22 Speaker 00 Okay.
32:22 Speaker 02 Um.
32:23 Speaker 00 Interesting.
32:24 Speaker 02 I want a risotto.
32:26 Speaker 00 Yes.
32:26 Speaker 02 Salmon and haggis.
32:28 Speaker 00 Oh, God.
32:32 Speaker 00 So you've basically, you're putting all your favourite foods into like one dish here.
32:37 Speaker 02 That I feel like aren't featuring later on.
32:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:39 Speaker 02 Salmon, haggis and, say it with me, saffron.
32:43 Speaker 00 Saffron, okay. Salmon, saffron, risotto.
32:47 Speaker 02 Hmm.
32:48 Speaker 00 Sounds like that could work.
32:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:50 Speaker 00 I think the haggis is the rogue going here.
32:53 Speaker 02 Really?
32:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:53 Speaker 01 We're down to Scottish or pretentious again, aren't we?
32:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:56 Speaker 01 It's either the haggis or the salmon and saffron.
32:59 Speaker 02 But let me, let me ask you this, do you like pepper?
33:01 Speaker 00 Yeah. Yeah.
33:02 Speaker 02 Haggis by its very nature is just a very peppery dish. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder.
33:11 Speaker 00 Right, I see.
33:12 Speaker 02 If the restaurant was like, we've run out of pepper.
33:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
33:14 Speaker 02 But we can, let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff. No one would notice.
33:19 Speaker 00 So you want haggis instead of pepper?
33:22 Speaker 02 Well, I, I don't want it instead of, but I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there.
33:26 Speaker 00 Right, okay.
33:26 Speaker 02 I've got enough.
33:27 Speaker 00 We've got, we've got haggis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:30 Speaker 01 Okay.
33:30 Speaker 00 So you're crumbling, you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper?
33:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in. What I will say with the hot coals, if I'm crumbling in the haggis, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork. Doing a lot.
33:45 Speaker 00 Yeah. We'll just mix the haggis through for you then?
33:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, that'd be lovely, thank you.
33:50 Speaker 00 So haggis and salmon, saffron, risotto.
33:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, saffron, I don't really know.
33:56 Speaker 01 Sounds disgusting, Ian, if you, yeah, if you think about it.
33:58 Speaker 02 Yeah. My question.
34:01 Speaker 01 Even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that.
34:03 Speaker 02 Really?
34:03 Speaker 01 I would think, is that gonna be, I love salmon, I love risottos, but I don't know if that would. Maybe it wouldn't be great, but like.
34:09 Speaker 00 Is it a, are you thinking, is it a big bit of salmon on the top? Or is the salmon flaked to mix through as well?
34:15 Speaker 02 Flake it up.
34:16 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:16 Speaker 02 I'm having to do everything here. Flake, gotta flake it up. I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know, a smoky flavour too.
34:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:24 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
34:25 Speaker 02 Saffron, in all honesty, I don't know what it tastes like.
34:29 Speaker 01 Right.
34:29 Speaker 02 But I've had saffron infused mashed potato twice in my life. And can't put my, can't really sort of put a handle on it, but it was, it was delicious.
34:41 Speaker 00 Yes.
34:41 Speaker 02 Um, and a vivid colour.
34:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's a, it's very vivid colour. And there is a definite taste of saffron.
34:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:48 Speaker 00 But you can't work out what it is, but you know, you like it.
34:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, okay.
34:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, I guess so. And maybe I'll have someone explaining what saffron is to me.
34:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, they could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight.
35:02 Speaker 02 Oh, I'd love that.
35:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
35:03 Speaker 02 I'd love some saffron and some other, what is it? Herb?
35:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:09 Speaker 02 Um, other herbs.
35:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:11 Speaker 02 And I want to, or a spice.
35:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:13 Speaker 02 Herbs and spices, and I've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are.
35:17 Speaker 00 Oh, you want, so you want a quiz as well?
35:18 Speaker 02 Quiz.
35:19 Speaker 00 Yeah. Okay. Well, Lloyd's gonna be there, so.
35:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:22 Speaker 02 I just want Lloyd to do the quiz really, so I can enjoy my meal bar here in the background. Um, trying to think of another herb in my.
35:29 Speaker 00 Well, this is the problem, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
35:31 Speaker 02 Fanosies!
35:32 Speaker 00 I think, I think, all day long, I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz.
35:37 Speaker 02 Hmm.
35:37 Speaker 00 I would say there's enough going on in this dish already.
35:40 Speaker 01 Hmm.
35:40 Speaker 00 You shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are.
35:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I will, and I'll accept that as a criticism.
35:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:47 Speaker 01 Cause I was gonna suggest maybe you have like, you know, your starter could be like a board that's got like a little salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, um, some saffron mash. But do you like risotto so much?
36:00 Speaker 02 Hmm.
36:01 Speaker 01 That it has to be all in a risotto? Is a risotto a big deal for you?
36:04 Speaker 00 Let's not talk him out of this, you know?
36:05 Speaker 01 No, no, you're still gonna have this.
36:07 Speaker 02 But I also think, imagine if every chef did that. Just put, put four ingredients on a tray.
36:14 Speaker 01 Hmm.
36:14 Speaker 02 And just went, have them individually.
36:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:17 Speaker 02 It's all about discovering flavour combinations. And you're not gonna make a discovery if you don't try.
36:23 Speaker 00 Yes.
36:24 Speaker 01 Well, I would say, imagine if every chef did this. Took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they like, would like to see them make an appearance.
36:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:32 Speaker 01 And chuck them out.
36:33 Speaker 02 Hmm. I think you'd get.
36:34 Speaker 01 I think you've always got to apply.
36:35 Speaker 02 Occasionally get something fantastic.
36:36 Speaker 01 You've always got to apply the rule, imagine if every chef did this to.
36:40 Speaker 00 But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home. If you just had things in, in the fridge and put them all in a bowl together, right?
36:49 Speaker 02 Listen, I've, I've listened to this podcast. People say daft shit. People are off their fucking heads on this podcast.
36:56 Speaker 00 Yeah. I, have you, so you're a big fan of weird flavour combinations?
37:00 Speaker 02 No, I just.
37:00 Speaker 00 Do you do them at home? Have you, have you ever discovered a flavour combination you like at home?
37:04 Speaker 02 Hmm. I don't think I have, no. Trying to think if I've invented my own flavour combination.
37:11 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's what I asked.
37:12 Speaker 02 I couldn't have done.
37:13 Speaker 01 Look in your diary, does it say?
37:15 Speaker 02 Well, I would have put it under blue.
37:18 Speaker 02 Blue have had a new flavour combination. Um, no, I mean, I like it.
37:23 Speaker 00 Genuinely looked in your diary for ages then?
37:26 Speaker 02 Listen, I'm a physical comedian. I'll, I'll do an act out and I'll do it on a pod.
37:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:32 Speaker 02 I'll do it on a pod when.
37:32 Speaker 00 Now, we've got cameras going, that could be the viral clip.
37:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
37:35 Speaker 02 Get sound effect of pages turning in.
37:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
37:37 Speaker 02 Do that.
37:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, put that in the post. Oh, that's not.
37:40 Speaker 00 Oh, no, that's not blue, no.
37:42 Speaker 01 That's, that's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto.
37:46 Speaker 02 I, um, I found out what arancini was when I ordered, arancini is a starter and then a risotto is my main. And everyone was like, what? Right. I don't know what the problem is here. But, um, yeah, it was a ricey, a ricey meal.
38:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, they're like risotto balls that are deep fried, right? And then.
38:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
38:05 Speaker 00 You had the, the insides of arancini's, arancini guts.
38:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. And there was a, there was a rice pudding option for dessert and I almost wanted to take it to, to be like, that's what I like and I'm leaning into it.
38:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, do the treble.
38:18 Speaker 02 Hmm.
38:18 Speaker 01 What are you going to call this dish?
38:20 Speaker 02 Oh, that's, yeah, that's good. At the minute, well, I mean, salmon's Scottish.
38:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
38:25 Speaker 02 Haggis is Scottish.
38:27 Speaker 00 Hmm.
38:27 Speaker 02 Where does saffron come from? Um.
38:30 Speaker 00 I think probably North Africa.
38:31 Speaker 01 Wow. If he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia.
38:36 Speaker 00 Wrong continent.
38:37 Speaker 02 Yeah. So I guess something that combines Scotland, Mediterranean and parts of Asia.
38:44 Speaker 00 Hmm.
38:45 Speaker 02 And it's titled. So where you can do that, there must be. Um, and don't edit out any of the time it takes me to think of this.
38:54 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
38:54 Speaker 02 Muk.
38:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, so straight in with Muk. Straight in with Muk.
38:58 Speaker 00 Straight in with Muk, you're on safe ground.
39:00 Speaker 01 Yeah. Now he's got Mediterranean parts of Asia.
39:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
39:05 Speaker 02 Now I feel more scared.
39:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:07 Speaker 02 Um, Muk, um.
39:11 Speaker 00 You could just say salmon here and.
39:12 Speaker 02 Muk, yeah, but I mean, Muk Mediterranean, just say, well, Muk Olive, Muk Olive's surprise.
39:20 Speaker 00 Muk Olive's surprise?
39:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:22 Speaker 00 So the.
39:22 Speaker 02 There's no olives.
39:23 Speaker 01 No olives in it.
39:25 Speaker 00 Is what surprise?
39:26 Speaker 01 The food that is projected with the Mediterranean.
39:28 Speaker 00 Muk Olive's surprise?
39:30 Speaker 01 Muk Olive's surprise?
39:31 Speaker 00 The surprise is there's no olives, saffron, Muk Olive's surprise saffron?
39:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:35 Speaker 01 Saffron is the surprise.
39:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:37 Speaker 01 So Muk Olive's surprise.
39:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:39 Speaker 00 Well, also the surprise is there's no olives.
39:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:41 Speaker 00 Salmon's not mentioned.
39:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:43 Speaker 02 Well, I mean, I didn't, I thought I'd be able to say my menu.
39:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:47 Speaker 02 I didn't think I'd have to name it.
39:49 Speaker 00 Yes.
39:50 Speaker 02 And that's what I'm struggling with.
39:51 Speaker 00 But you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch, I think.
39:54 Speaker 02 Really?
39:54 Speaker 00 That's the rule, yeah.
39:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:56 Speaker 01 Also, you're saying that, you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was, you didn't think you'd have to name it, that's what you're struggling with. I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well. I mean, this is like, this starter is.
40:05 Speaker 02 Well, only because.
40:06 Speaker 01 Bananas.
40:07 Speaker 02 You took blood, you took blood because we had too many details.
40:10 Speaker 01 I don't know if that's my, that's not on me. Th- th- this starter is loopy.
40:14 Speaker 00 Good bread course so far, though.
40:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, we're forgetting about that.
40:17 Speaker 00 And you know what, I would absolutely eat that starter.
40:20 Speaker 02 Hmm.
40:20 Speaker 00 I don't know if I would enjoy it.
40:22 Speaker 01 I would try it.
40:23 Speaker 00 But I would give it a go.
40:24 Speaker 01 If I was at your house for a dinner party.
40:26 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I made it.
40:27 Speaker 01 And you made it, I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it, and who knows, I might even love it.
40:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:31 Speaker 00 That's got classic Come Dine With Me episode written all over it, though.
40:34 Speaker 02 Really?
40:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:35 Speaker 02 I'm all right.
40:35 Speaker 01 We're all slagging you off in the car on the way home.
40:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
40:38 Speaker 02 I wouldn't make that for other people. I think I'd only make it for myself.
40:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:42 Speaker 02 Because I'd expect.
40:43 Speaker 01 Ah.
40:44 Speaker 00 A criticism like this. The Come Dine With Me producers would be like, if they heard about that, they'd be like, you should make that for everyone when they come round.
40:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:51 Speaker 00 And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look round your house.
40:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:55 Speaker 00 And they find your paper diary and they're all laughing.
40:57 Speaker 01 Your highlighter paper.
40:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. The only thing I've got in my fridge is one, um, shelf is salmon.
41:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:03 Speaker 02 One shelf is haggis. One shelf is saffron. I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate that.
41:09 Speaker 01 Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people, otherwise we're gonna have to get you to change the name again, because you can't surprise yourself.
41:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:15 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
41:16 Speaker 01 It can't be called McCalliv Surprise, and you're only making it for yourself.
41:19 Speaker 02 What about, no, McCalliv Surprise, you get, um, a huge spice rack. It's spices, herbs, everything in it, and it's one of those ones that spins.
41:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:29 Speaker 02 And you sort of, um, spin the spice rack, close your eyes.
41:35 Speaker 01 You gotta tip that up. See it in, pretend to spin a spice rack with his eyes closed.
41:43 Speaker 02 I'm looking up, so no, people don't think I'm cheating.
41:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:47 Speaker 02 Closing eyes and doing that.
41:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:49 Speaker 02 Which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in.
41:51 Speaker 01 They closed their eyes and looked away.
41:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:56 Speaker 02 But yeah, then you take whatever spice. Again, you've got to close your eyes throughout this.
42:00 Speaker 00 Yeah.
42:00 Speaker 02 I know, I actually just, um, black out the spices.
42:03 Speaker 00 Black out the spices.
42:04 Speaker 02 Put masking, put parcel tape over the spices.
42:07 Speaker 00 Or put them in unmarked jars or whatever.
42:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get someone else to do that.
42:10 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
42:10 Speaker 01 Are you gonna have to do that?
42:11 Speaker 00 You're very worried, you're very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing.
42:17 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
42:17 Speaker 00 Is that a problem you have when you go to restaurants sometimes? Yeah, yeah.
42:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I found myself many times in the kitchen doing a full, doing a full shift.
42:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:26 Speaker 00 So, hang on, you're getting a spice at random?
42:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then for safety as well, so you've got the salmon haggis in there, but then your last flurry is opening it up.
42:36 Speaker 01 Shake it in.
42:37 Speaker 02 Put that in.
42:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
42:38 Speaker 02 Mix it around, and then when you eat it, you, you know it's a McCalliv.
42:42 Speaker 00 Yes.
42:42 Speaker 02 But the surprise is, what is it? Cinnamon! Ugh!
42:48 Speaker 00 Yeah, uh, yeah. So that's your starter?
42:51 Speaker 02 Yes.
42:51 Speaker 01 Fantastic.
43:00 Speaker 01 Your dream bank course, Ian.
43:02 Speaker 02 This one's normal.
43:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:05 Speaker 02 Slow cooked lamb.
43:06 Speaker 00 Yes.
43:06 Speaker 01 There you go.
43:07 Speaker 02 I want it to be slow cooked.
43:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:10 Speaker 02 If it takes days.
43:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:12 Speaker 02 I guess you want it just at, at the point where there's a level of heat you could apply to lamb where it just would never cook.
43:18 Speaker 00 Yes, zero degrees.
43:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:21 Speaker 02 But even two degrees.
43:22 Speaker 00 It probably wouldn't ever cook, surely.
43:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Like, um, if it was just at room temperature.
43:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:28 Speaker 02 Just leave it out.
43:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:29 Speaker 02 And five days later, you're like, that's lovely.
43:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
43:32 Speaker 02 So, but the lo- the longest you could.
43:34 Speaker 00 That would be good, wouldn't it? If things cooked at room temperature.
43:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, so surely there's something that cooks at room temperature, no?
43:41 Speaker 00 Fruit?
43:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what's happening to it.
43:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:47 Speaker 00 Maybe a torch, maybe if you'd put your iPhone torch on it for a couple of days, that's the slowest cooking you can possibly give it.
43:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's gonna give you a carpal tunnel or something. Holding your torch over a lamb.
44:01 Speaker 02 Or whatever mystery, I'd probably have a mystery box of meat, so I don't know what meat.
44:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, surprise, it's another surprise dish, lamb surprise.
44:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, lamb surprise.
44:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:10 Speaker 01 McLamb.
44:11 Speaker 02 I, I had this slow cooked lamb in New Zealand, at Mudbric Vineyard, and I got, um, told off, but in a, I'd say a lighthearted way, for, I was quite drunk, complimenting the lamb too loudly, and I think that's a sign of a good meal.
44:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're taking some tips from Lloyd Langford, you were shouting everything.
44:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:29 Speaker 01 What was your compliment?
44:31 Speaker 02 Who cooked this? Um, how long has this been cooked for?
44:34 Speaker 00 Cause they, but the way you've said it there, and at that volume, they sound like you're really unhappy with the lamb.
44:39 Speaker 01 Complaints, yeah.
44:40 Speaker 02 I think they knew I liked it, my tone was like, who cooked this? It was more like, wow!
44:46 Speaker 01 Oh, same as, same tone you use when you shout beans on toast.
44:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
44:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
44:50 Speaker 02 Beans on toast, who cooked this? Stuff like that. I give a lot of good vibes.
44:56 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:56 Speaker 02 To chefs.
44:57 Speaker 00 But that's lovely, why were you told off then? By the staff or by someone on a nearby table?
45:01 Speaker 02 By the staff, um, I think people around were discon- disconcerted.
45:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:07 Speaker 02 And maybe they were running low on lamb.
45:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, maybe they, they hadn't ordered yet and don't.
45:11 Speaker 02 Over sell.
45:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
45:12 Speaker 02 But it went, oh my god, it was nice.
45:14 Speaker 01 Yeah?
45:15 Speaker 02 Falling apart.
45:16 Speaker 00 How long do you think it had been cooked for?
45:18 Speaker 02 Minimum, I think we're talking double digits.
45:21 Speaker 00 Do you?
45:22 Speaker 02 I think it was something like 12 hours, something mad.
45:25 Speaker 00 Mm hmm.
45:25 Speaker 02 But I can't promise that, do you? Yeah, it was a long, it was a long time. If you'd ordered it and they were like, oh, we haven't put it on yet, you'd be pissed off.
45:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:37 Speaker 02 By the time you got it.
45:38 Speaker 00 Well, you'd be like, I'll see you tomorrow.
45:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, just come back tomorrow.
45:41 Speaker 00 Yeah. Do you know what cut of lamb it was?
45:43 Speaker 02 I think it will have been some like leg based. It wasn't, I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable.
45:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:50 Speaker 02 By any means.
45:51 Speaker 00 It wasn't a shank though.
45:53 Speaker 02 It could have been, it could have been a shank.
45:54 Speaker 00 But it didn't come with a big bone sticking out the top of it.
45:56 Speaker 02 No, there wasn't a bone in it, as far as I'm aware. I drank a lot of wine at this point.
46:01 Speaker 01 Were you out with another comedian at this point? Was it another comic?
46:04 Speaker 02 There were, the only time I get to go on like a big holiday is when someone's paying for me to do that professionally.
46:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:11 Speaker 02 There was a lot of comedians there. Finn Taylor, Andrew Maxwell, Alexis Dubus. Never confident with how to pronounce his surname.
46:20 Speaker 01 Oh, evidently.
46:21 Speaker 02 Um, maybe Lloyd was something.
46:23 Speaker 00 Maybe Lloyd was there.
46:24 Speaker 02 Lloyd again there as well. Um, but yeah, I, I like.
46:28 Speaker 01 These are some, you know, you've got Finn there, you've got Maxwell there. These are some outspoken guys and you're getting told off.
46:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
46:33 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:34 Speaker 01 Like you, you must have been really speaking your mind, throwing some opinions around. If you're the one who's getting reprimanded.
46:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, Maxwell, Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in, in quite a lot of detail. I will compliment the food.
46:49 Speaker 00 You'll shout, who cooked this?
46:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:53 Speaker 00 What did the lamb come with? And this doesn't have to be your dream side. I'm just interested in this specific lamb.
46:59 Speaker 02 Sure. So I want elements of this, but not everything. It came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip.
47:07 Speaker 00 Right.
47:08 Speaker 02 And then long carrots.
47:11 Speaker 02 This is the main thing I remember about these carrots is the sheer length of them.
47:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:14 Speaker 02 And then you had to get your potato dish as a side.
47:17 Speaker 00 Screaming, who grew these?
47:19 Speaker 01 Yeah. Who the hell grew these? Mr McGregor?
47:22 Speaker 02 How long? How long have these been grown? I'd say stuff like that.
47:26 Speaker 01 Long and thin?
47:27 Speaker 02 Long and thin.
47:28 Speaker 01 Yeah?
47:28 Speaker 02 Hmm.
47:29 Speaker 00 What colour?
47:29 Speaker 02 Orange.
47:30 Speaker 00 Classic.
47:31 Speaker 01 The classic.
47:32 Speaker 02 But not the best carrot I've had was barely orange in a restaurant in Reykjavik called Skal. Got the carrots as a side. Fucking hell, I've never had carrots this good in all my life.
47:41 Speaker 01 Yeah?
47:42 Speaker 02 They were black to the eye.
47:43 Speaker 00 Yes.
47:44 Speaker 02 They'd really been sort of roasted. I tried to look up before doing this what they came with. The menus changed. I found a picture of them on Instagram. It doesn't say anything. It doesn't say anything. It's just a picture of some carrots.
47:56 Speaker 00 It says carrots.
47:58 Speaker 02 Doesn't even say carrots.
47:59 Speaker 00 No.
47:59 Speaker 02 No description, but I love a sort of roasted carrot.
48:03 Speaker 00 Hmm.
48:03 Speaker 02 In some kind of sauce. I don't know.
48:05 Speaker 01 And the one in Reykjavik was like, were they long and thin as well?
48:08 Speaker 02 No, no. And I preferred them dumpy is what I would.
48:12 Speaker 01 Black and dumpy?
48:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
48:14 Speaker 02 That's how I would describe them.
48:15 Speaker 01 You want those with the lamb?
48:17 Speaker 02 I'd love them with the.
48:17 Speaker 01 The Reykjavik carrots?
48:18 Speaker 02 Yes. Get rid of the long thin ones.
48:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:21 Speaker 02 They were al dente, these ones. The Reykjavik ones barely keeping themselves together.
48:26 Speaker 00 Yeah. So they'd been like properly slow roasted as well, you think? Yeah.
48:30 Speaker 02 Everything about this, I want to be slow.
48:31 Speaker 00 Yeah. I completely agree with you with slow roasted lamb. It's up there meat wise, I think.
48:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:37 Speaker 01 Incredible.
48:37 Speaker 02 I want some, uh, dauphin noir. That's pretty slow.
48:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, you can do that slow.
48:42 Speaker 02 Quick.
48:43 Speaker 00 No, it's not quick, is it? Well, it takes a while to make, I suppose. Do you slow roast lamb at home?
48:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'll have it anywhere.
48:48 Speaker 00 No, but is that something you'll do? Have you ever done that?
48:52 Speaker 02 Um, yeah, absolutely. I've slowly roasted. I've always maintained the location. I'll have it anywhere. I don't want a train.
49:01 Speaker 01 What do you think the question was there? Would you eat it at your house?
49:03 Speaker 02 Would you have it at home?
49:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:05 Speaker 02 Um, as in like.
49:06 Speaker 00 Is there anywhere?
49:07 Speaker 02 If my mum made slow cooked lamb, would I have it?
49:08 Speaker 00 Yeah. Let's just follow this. Is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow roasted lamb?
49:13 Speaker 02 I don't think, uh, like funerals.
49:17 Speaker 02 You'd have that at the wake, but you wouldn't have it.
49:19 Speaker 00 Yeah, you wouldn't have it during, right?
49:20 Speaker 02 Yeah. You're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing.
49:22 Speaker 00 Well, if you're screaming, who cooked this at the top of your voice, sure. Yeah.
49:25 Speaker 02 Oh, at the cremation.
49:29 Speaker 02 How long, how long has it been cooked for? Woo, falling off the bone.
49:35 Speaker 00 Woo.
49:37 Speaker 00 Falling off the.
49:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, funeral.
49:40 Speaker 00 Yeah. Train toilet. That was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow roast lamb.
49:44 Speaker 01 Sure.
49:45 Speaker 02 But I would, if it's, I'd have it on the, the baby changing.
49:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:51 Speaker 02 Toilet's your seat, that's your table.
49:54 Speaker 00 Yeah. Would you put a tablecloth down or anything or?
49:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, ideally.
49:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:59 Speaker 02 Or I guess if you're, if you're a parent, an unused.
50:03 Speaker 00 Clean nappy.
50:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:05 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, even though it's unused, I'd find it hard.
50:08 Speaker 00 It would be weird, especially if there's no plate, especially if you're eating slow cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby changing table. I'd say that would throw me. Yeah.
50:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's not where I'd want it.
50:18 Speaker 00 Barely staying together.
50:20 Speaker 02 It's weird though, because you'd, you'd think someone eating off a nappy.
50:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:24 Speaker 02 In a, in a baby changing room would be like, they're having a breakdown, they're having a tough time. But you wouldn't associate slow cooked lamb leg.
50:31 Speaker 00 No.
50:32 Speaker 02 With a, a mental collapse.
50:33 Speaker 00 No, I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there.
50:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
50:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think that changes the whole thing.
50:38 Speaker 00 Also, it depends what brand of nappy, right? Cause if you, if there's some nice jus and gravy in there, a Pampers is absorbing all of that.
50:45 Speaker 01 So you don't get to eat that.
50:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, you want a cheap nappy if you're eating a roast.
50:50 Speaker 02 You pour your gravy on and then you go, immediately go, where's the gravy?
50:58 Speaker 02 That's outrageous.
51:00 Speaker 00 You're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you'd squeeze, you're squeezing.
51:05 Speaker 01 It's all gravy.
51:06 Speaker 00 Trying to get the gravy out.
51:07 Speaker 02 But then you're squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put under there.
51:11 Speaker 00 I think directly into the mouth at this point.
51:12 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
51:13 Speaker 00 Cut your losses.
51:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, don't bring another nappy into the situation.
51:16 Speaker 01 Let's not worry about your dignity at this point. You're, you're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy. You may as well go straight into your mouth.
51:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:21 Speaker 00 For American listeners, diapers.
51:24 Speaker 01 Diapers.
51:24 Speaker 02 Yes.
51:33 Speaker 01 So your dream side dish?
51:35 Speaker 02 Hmm.
51:35 Speaker 01 Is it those carrots or is it, is that, you're, you're, you're banking them, you're banking them as part of your main?
51:40 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:41 Speaker 01 So your dream side dish is different?
51:42 Speaker 00 Is that dolphin ones then? Or is that, are you banking that as part of the?
51:45 Speaker 02 No, I'd like, yeah, I'd like, um, I just want some potato waffles.
51:51 Speaker 01 Okay.
51:52 Speaker 00 Can you say that again for me? Cause I enjoyed the rhythm of it.
51:54 Speaker 02 Potato waffles.
51:55 Speaker 00 Thank you.
51:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:56 Speaker 02 They're waffling versatile, was the catchphrase.
51:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, I remember the bird's eye ones.
52:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
52:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's quite a catchy jingle.
52:02 Speaker 00 Waffly versatile, wasn't it?
52:04 Speaker 02 Oh, I thought it was waffling.
52:06 Speaker 01 Oh, I thought waffly.
52:07 Speaker 00 It's waffly cause it's supposed to be like awfully versatile.
52:10 Speaker 02 Oh, that does make more sense. I've been saying waffling versatile all this time. They're waffly versatile. What's, is it a pun on awfully?
52:19 Speaker 00 That's what I always thought.
52:20 Speaker 02 I'd be lifting there.
52:21 Speaker 00 I'm, I'm willing to admit that I might be wrong, but as far as I knew, it was waffly versatile.
52:25 Speaker 01 I never put the pun together, but I just thought they're waffly versatile was the, was the line. I don't think it was waffling versatile.
52:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, waffling doesn't make sense, does it?
52:34 Speaker 01 Why would they be waffling versatile?
52:36 Speaker 00 I mean, waffly versatile.
52:40 Speaker 02 But they've gone like awfully, like the, the pitch meeting.
52:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:44 Speaker 02 But they would have gone, oh, they're waffly versatile. You'd be like, all right, well, explain that.
52:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:49 Speaker 02 Well, awfully, they're awfully, and a posh person might go awfully, oh, it's awfully, and waffly, awfully waffly.
52:56 Speaker 00 Waffly versatile.
52:58 Speaker 01 That, awfully waffly would have been a better tagline for them.
53:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
53:03 Speaker 01 Because then you're like, oh, I get what they're doing.
53:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
53:05 Speaker 01 I mean, I, yeah.
53:06 Speaker 02 Awfully waffly.
53:07 Speaker 00 But the, but the suggestion is then they're awfully, there is a misinterpretation when you say they're awful at being waffles.
53:13 Speaker 01 Sure.
53:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're awfully.
53:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
53:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
53:17 Speaker 02 They're not even, they're not a wa, they're not even a waffle.
53:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
53:21 Speaker 02 A bag of new potato.
53:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, there must have been a better way to advertise it.
53:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, but it's worked for you.
53:28 Speaker 01 Stuck in your head, waffling versatile all these years.
53:30 Speaker 00 Well, but they're on your dream menu.
53:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're on my dream menu.
53:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
53:33 Speaker 01 Talk to us about your relationship with the bird's eye potato waffle.
53:36 Speaker 02 I just think it's the sort of thing when very nostalgic, like, um, so I think I really like food and like good food. But also if I find myself in the house by myself one evening and I'm just cooking and I'm the only one who's got to eat this. We'll just have chicken nuggets and waffles and beans or something. Just feels, feels so nice to do that. And a good waffle, they've got so fluffy inside, they've got a lovely crisp. They are versatile.
54:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:04 Speaker 02 You can have them with chicken nuggets.
54:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
54:07 Speaker 02 Fish fingers.
54:08 Speaker 00 Beans.
54:08 Speaker 02 Beans. Have you had kidney beans and regular beans, play Connect Four? With them.
54:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:14 Speaker 02 Bit Connect Four.
54:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
54:16 Speaker 02 That's probably the end of.
54:17 Speaker 01 No, no, loads more. I, I got into, uh, doing myself like duck breast in the, in the lockdowns.
54:25 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
54:25 Speaker 01 And I'd have them with bird's eye potato waffle.
54:27 Speaker 00 That's lovely.
54:28 Speaker 02 I like that.
54:28 Speaker 01 Delicious.
54:29 Speaker 00 That's really nice.
54:30 Speaker 01 And, and when I was a teenager, me and my friends would go around to my friend's Sam's house and do like movie marathons. And we'd have a break usually in the middle to go and buy some food from Sainsbury's. I'd get bird's eye potato waffles, a pack of ham, a pack of cheese.
54:44 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
54:45 Speaker 01 These waffle sandwiches with them, got his dad into them.
54:49 Speaker 02 How old were you at this point?
54:51 Speaker 01 Eighteen.
54:52 Speaker 02 Eighteen. And his dad's come in like.
54:54 Speaker 01 His dad's come in.
54:55 Speaker 02 What are you doing here, lads?
54:56 Speaker 01 What are you eating? A waffle sandwich? You're using, using waffles instead of bread? Yep, it's delicious. Let me try it. And then my friend Sam was like, he's eating them all week.
55:05 Speaker 02 All week?
55:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, that, that, that's the time I saw him, he was like, my dad, my dad has.
55:08 Speaker 00 How long was this movie marathon?
55:09 Speaker 01 No, no, I mean, after we got home.
55:11 Speaker 00 When you said movie marathon, do you mean you started at the beginning of the history of films? And worked your way through from there?
55:16 Speaker 01 Did all the films, eating bird's eye potato waffle sandwiches the whole time.
55:19 Speaker 00 Eighteen, feels, feels old for that, doesn't it?
55:22 Speaker 01 Or to be doing movie marathon to your mates.
55:24 Speaker 00 And eating waffle sandwiches.
55:25 Speaker 01 I think that's prime age to do that, isn't it?
55:28 Speaker 00 Really?
55:29 Speaker 01 No?
55:29 Speaker 02 It's veering on too old. I think when you, I think if you're not in your teens anymore, it's too old.
55:37 Speaker 00 Hmm.
55:38 Speaker 02 But if you're, if you're six and you're doing that, that's mad.
55:41 Speaker 00 Oh, we do it now, doesn't it?
55:41 Speaker 01 Full disclosure, I do it now.
55:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
55:43 Speaker 01 If someone said to me, do you wanna come over, watch all the alien films and eat birds like potato waffles, someone would just be like, yeah, I'll do it actually.
55:49 Speaker 02 Someone.
55:50 Speaker 01 Someone, anyone.
55:50 Speaker 02 Anyone.
55:51 Speaker 01 You, your hairdresser?
55:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
55:53 Speaker 00 The only way doing that when you're 18 makes sense is if you're in a blunt rotation.
55:59 Speaker 01 I'm passing it to his dad.
56:00 Speaker 02 With Jesus and the angel of the north.
56:01 Speaker 00 Yeah, but that sounds to me like stoner food.
56:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, I mean, we've covered this on the podcast before, that I hung out with stoners but wasn't a stoner, so I ate like a stoner.
56:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, okay.
56:11 Speaker 01 So that's like, my whole personality comes from hanging out with stoners but not doing drugs.
56:16 Speaker 00 Yes.
56:16 Speaker 01 And if anyone's ever confused by me, that's all I need to explain to them.
56:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
56:20 Speaker 01 It's like, I hung out with stoners, but I never did drugs. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. That's where, that's where all this comes from.
56:25 Speaker 00 Yes.
56:25 Speaker 02 Yeah. I guess that's where everyone, every sort of unique personality comes from, having hung around with, like, if you're the only, um, non-doc worker who's hanging out in the docks.
56:37 Speaker 00 Yes.
56:38 Speaker 02 You're gonna be a quirky comedian.
56:39 Speaker 01 Too specific to not be you.
56:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I'm just trying to veer into my own anecdote about my doc life.
56:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, never been near the docks.
56:46 Speaker 02 Have you ever been?
56:47 Speaker 01 Doc Martens, maybe?
56:48 Speaker 00 No, if.
56:50 Speaker 02 I said with the tone of an absolute slam.
56:53 Speaker 00 I'll only go to the docks if they've been renovated and there's a street food place.
56:57 Speaker 01 But he was laughing, look, he's laughing at the Doc Mart.
56:59 Speaker 00 He's laughing at it because it was weak and you acted like it was strong.
57:03 Speaker 01 What? No. Yeah, I know, I know we just pointed at you and nodded, but like, that's not why he's laughing. It's a good slam. Absolutely did you.
57:09 Speaker 02 But I don't know why it's a good slam.
57:12 Speaker 01 It's not just that lamb that's slow roasted.
57:15 Speaker 02 That's better.
57:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
57:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
57:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
57:18 Speaker 00 Yeah, slow roasted slam.
57:19 Speaker 01 Oh.
57:24 Speaker 02 Yes.
57:25 Speaker 00 I think the waffle sandwich, here's what I'd wanna try, because I think I've seen similar things to this online, is take the frozen waffles out, put the fillings in between, put it in a toasty maker.
57:37 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
57:38 Speaker 00 Shut it and let it all.
57:40 Speaker 02 Oh, wow.
57:40 Speaker 00 Cook like that and then make a sort of sealed waffle sandwich.
57:43 Speaker 02 Hmm.
57:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:45 Speaker 02 And if you cut the, um, the ends off a waffle.
57:48 Speaker 00 Hmm.
57:49 Speaker 02 So you have like the kind of spiky protruding bits, sort of like, like a little Lego set, really.
57:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:55 Speaker 02 Put them in the hole, like build little things out of your waffles. Is it, is it, am I the first person on this podcast?
58:05 Speaker 02 I feel like I'm just probably saying something that someone's already said.
58:08 Speaker 01 No, no, no.
58:09 Speaker 02 Hundred percent.
58:09 Speaker 00 No one has ever said you can get potato waffles and build them like Lego.
58:13 Speaker 02 I can, well, I'm gonna listen back to every single one and double check.
58:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:18 Speaker 00 I promise you.
58:19 Speaker 02 Really?
58:19 Speaker 00 You're the first one. You should be happy about that. You're, you're an original.
58:22 Speaker 02 Waffle tower, please.
58:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, this is from hanging out with all the dock workers.
58:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:26 Speaker 02 They always used to do waffle towers in their break.
58:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:29 Speaker 02 They loved it.
58:31 Speaker 01 Well, I, I like that. I like that you've got the potato waffles there.
58:34 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's good.
58:35 Speaker 01 Side dish.
58:35 Speaker 00 Um. Double potato as well.
58:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
58:38 Speaker 01 Got double potato. I mean, would you want someone to make you potato dauphinoise out of Berzerbato waffles?
58:44 Speaker 02 Potato waffle wa. Waffle wa.
58:48 Speaker 00 Waffle.
58:48 Speaker 02 Yeah. I love a waffle wa.
58:50 Speaker 01 Waffle wa versatile.
58:51 Speaker 00 It's not a bad idea, you know?
58:52 Speaker 02 Oh, it would be good, just waffles as cream.
58:55 Speaker 01 I'll click on that YouTube video.
58:56 Speaker 00 Yeah.
58:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:57 Speaker 01 Someone making dauphinoise out of potato waffles.
59:00 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:00 Speaker 02 Yeah. Waffle wa then, please.
59:02 Speaker 00 Waffle wa.
59:02 Speaker 01 You want the waffle wa?
59:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:04 Speaker 00 Slow roasted lamb, dumpy carrots and waffle wa.
59:07 Speaker 02 Yes, please.
59:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:09 Speaker 02 I'm inventing a lot.
59:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:11 Speaker 02 In this.
59:11 Speaker 01 You are an inventor.
59:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:13 Speaker 02 Hmm.
59:13 Speaker 01 Have you always thought of yourself as an inventor?
59:16 Speaker 02 I genuinely, I thought I invented pulled pork.
59:20 Speaker 02 Two, two foods I invented, actually. So when I, when I was young, I liked roast chicken. I used to get my fork and sort of score the chicken.
59:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:30 Speaker 02 Cause the gravy, it goes in, there's just more um, surface area for all the flavour.
59:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
59:35 Speaker 02 I'm, no, no one in my family did that. I'm the only one scoring it.
59:39 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
59:39 Speaker 02 Getting it like that. And then I remember when pulled pork was becoming a big thing. I was like, I fucking invented that like fifteen years ago. And felt like I didn't, but I was a kid. How do you, how do you utilise pulled pork as a child? But yeah, I thought I'd invented pulled pork. And the other thing, I had to stop myself doing something.
59:59 Speaker 00 Have you never had shredded duck?
1:00:00 Speaker 02 No.
1:00:01 Speaker 00 No?
1:00:01 Speaker 02 I'm northern.
1:00:02 Speaker 00 Come on.
1:00:03 Speaker 02 I'm northern, six years old. Shredded duck. Fucking hell.
1:00:07 Speaker 00 It's like standard Chinese takeaway stuff, shredded duck.
1:00:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:11 Speaker 01 We're not, we're not, yeah, we've been up north.
1:00:14 Speaker 00 You can't lie to us.
1:00:17 Speaker 02 Well, I think there was only one um, Chinese takeaway in Gaul for a while.
1:00:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, they would have definitely done shredded duck.
1:00:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think, I think, I've got a lot of the time, we've got chips from there. You know what I mean? We weren't culinarily cultured.
1:00:29 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:00:30 Speaker 02 My favourite thing I saw in a Chinese restaurant, I'll tell you as a quick detail, on a stag do. Maybe, can you bleep out the C word on this?
1:00:38 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, but we can also keep it in.
1:00:39 Speaker 02 Really? Okay. Trigger warning, C word incoming. Was on a stag do.
1:00:45 Speaker 00 It's not gonna be Chinese, is it? Cause you've already said that.
1:00:47 Speaker 02 Oh, really?
1:00:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:00:50 Speaker 01 In different parts of the country, the C word is a different word.
1:00:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's the swear C word, just in case anyone's thinking this anecdote is gonna be like bleak or offensive. Um, we're at a Chinese restaurant, one member of the stag do, I've never met this guy. He's sort of like a heart of gold, but very laddy. And he, he's running late. There is a kind words, there's a madman in the, in the Chinese restaurant, and he's singing songs. He's like, eh, eh, eh, eh, that kind of vibe.
1:01:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:01:18 Speaker 02 He's coming up to our table and singing, eh, best Chinese ever. It's the best Chinese ever.
1:01:26 Speaker 00 So he's supportive of the restaurant?
1:01:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's good.
1:01:28 Speaker 02 And then he's clearly a regular, like they know him and they're looking at, oh god. And this guy, the confidence of being able to do this, he comes up to the table and he's like stood right next to the guy. And um, he points at him when he says this, he goes, you alright lads? Who the fuck is this cunt? He's right, pointing right in his face. All right, lads, in the fuck is this going?
1:01:49 Speaker 01 Right.
1:01:50 Speaker 02 And I cried, I was laughing so much.
1:01:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, that's brilliant. I mean, I'd love that, especially on a stag do.
1:01:57 Speaker 00 And even, even then, you weren't having the duck?
1:01:59 Speaker 02 Oh, we were having shredded duck then, yes.
1:02:01 Speaker 00 Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Did you think you'd invented that?
1:02:04 Speaker 02 No, the other one was, so in woodwork class, I, I got a penguin bar and
1:02:13 Speaker 02 I put it in a vice, the vice at the end of the table. I'm just squashing this penguin bar, just thinking that's funny.
1:02:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:02:20 Speaker 02 Get it, get it tight, get it condensed, like doing that really, like getting the last bit of it. Um, and obviously I pull it out and I, I eat the penguin bar.
1:02:30 Speaker 00 The squash penguin bar?
1:02:31 Speaker 02 It tasted incredible.
1:02:33 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:02:34 Speaker 02 All the flavour, again, it's been condensed and it ju, and like the, the cream in the middle is mushed in with the biscuit. It's almost like a truffle.
1:02:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:42 Speaker 02 Um, it was beautiful and, um, I remember, I can't remember the other stuff. I put a few things in that vice, food wise. And I remember having a, a real moment as a kid where I was like, I got, I gotta put a stop to this.
1:02:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:02:57 Speaker 02 This can't be how I eat food. Like if I'm eating a sandwich, but all I'm thinking in my head is gotta get back, get in that woodwork class, get it in the vice. I can't, I couldn't live like that.
1:03:08 Speaker 01 I mean, it is like a sandwich press.
1:03:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
1:03:11 Speaker 00 Cold sandwich press, cold panini.
1:03:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, but you've never seen a panini this flat.
1:03:16 Speaker 00 I think that, I mean, look, that could be a hit TikTok account.
1:03:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, that is.
1:03:21 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
1:03:21 Speaker 00 Cooking, Cooking with Vice.
1:03:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:23 Speaker 00 Because there's already those hydraulic press channels that I, I watch all of those.
1:03:27 Speaker 02 Do you like, um, hot balls?
1:03:29 Speaker 00 I, I like, I love hot iron balls as well.
1:03:32 Speaker 01 I don't know what either of you are talking about.
1:03:34 Speaker 02 Really?
1:03:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
1:03:35 Speaker 00 So it's similar, like hydraulic presses, obviously, you've seen those.
1:03:38 Speaker 01 I've heard of it though, I've not seen.
1:03:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:39 Speaker 02 This is what, not being off social media.
1:03:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:42 Speaker 02 Write a follow-up book called All The Things I'm Missing Out On.
1:03:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:46 Speaker 02 Hot iron balls.
1:03:47 Speaker 00 Red, red hot iron balls. They get an iron ball until it's red hot.
1:03:51 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
1:03:52 Speaker 00 And then they're just like, put it on stuff.
1:03:55 Speaker 02 And when you, you might think red hot is like, oh, it's red hot out there.
1:03:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:00 Speaker 02 It's red.
1:04:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:01 Speaker 02 It's red, it's gone red.
1:04:02 Speaker 01 Just to be clear, uh, the phrase, it's red hot out there isn't a phrase.
1:04:08 Speaker 02 What? Someone said that?
1:04:09 Speaker 01 No one's come in from outside and it's red hot out there.
1:04:11 Speaker 00 You don't say that at gigs, at McSpiel gigs?
1:04:14 Speaker 01 It's red hot out there.
1:04:15 Speaker 00 Come off stage.
1:04:16 Speaker 01 The audience are red hot.
1:04:16 Speaker 02 Well, you don't ever say red hot if something is physically red, but then it's not a phrase.
1:04:20 Speaker 01 Well, I'd say if I saw something that was like, yeah, if I said that's red hot, fair enough.
1:04:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:24 Speaker 01 Not it's red hot out there.
1:04:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:25 Speaker 02 Really, you wouldn't?
1:04:26 Speaker 00 That's what the chili peppers say to each other.
1:04:30 Speaker 02 When enough of one of them is still outside.
1:04:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:34 Speaker 02 It's red hot.
1:04:35 Speaker 01 It has to be. They're not in here and out there, to be fair.
1:04:39 Speaker 02 It's red hot in here and, and out there.
1:04:42 Speaker 00 And out there.
1:04:42 Speaker 02 Frishanty's still, he's yet to come in.
1:04:45 Speaker 01 He always the last one. He's not deciding if he wants to come in or not.
1:04:47 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's just out there shaking everyone's hand.
1:04:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:50 Speaker 00 He's like Rob Beckett.
1:04:51 Speaker 01 At the end of a gig.
1:04:52 Speaker 02 Do you, apparently Frishanty won't shake hands. I, I read about, I love, I love John Frishanty. And, um, I read an article that, um, him and Flea won't shake hands because they're worried about germs.
1:05:02 Speaker 00 Really?
1:05:03 Speaker 02 So if you meet him in the street.
1:05:04 Speaker 00 Flea is worried about germs?
1:05:05 Speaker 01 Flea?
1:05:06 Speaker 00 He's got his knob out half the time.
1:05:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, he's disgusting. He looks like he's rolling around. He, he looks like, Flea looks like he bathes like a chinchilla does in a box, like, in a box of sand.
1:05:17 Speaker 01 Just rolls around in it.
1:05:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's named after something you get when you're dirty.
1:05:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:05:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly. How, how, how is he? Well, that's the revelation.
1:05:26 Speaker 00 Yeah. Do you want advice at the table for your dream meal?
1:05:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, I wouldn't mind one as an option.
1:05:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:05:31 Speaker 02 Is this an okay time to flag up? I'd like, um, when this is all done, I'd like a bit of chocolate. I'd like a specific bit of chocolate. I feel like you don't do that on the pod. Chocolate post meal or no chocolate post meal?
1:05:42 Speaker 00 Well, we do dessert.
1:05:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I want a bit of chocolate. I want a little sweet snack.
1:05:47 Speaker 00 Is this in between the main and the dessert then?
1:05:49 Speaker 02 After my dessert. You know, when they bring the bill.
1:05:51 Speaker 00 Right.
1:05:51 Speaker 02 I want a little square.
1:05:52 Speaker 00 Well, we're not there yet, man.
1:05:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I just want to flag it up because you guys, I'll say my pudding and you'll be like, all right then, cheers, thanks, bye. You're out the studio.
1:06:00 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:06:00 Speaker 02 Me and Benito here.
1:06:02 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, I think he's staying with you.
1:06:03 Speaker 02 Well, just me by myself.
1:06:04 Speaker 01 He's the first out the door. He's not like your producer.
1:06:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's.
1:06:07 Speaker 01 He's the one to be here. Look at him now. He's already thinking about what he's gonna do.
1:06:10 Speaker 02 I'm gonna hang out after this. I usually go bowling after a Northern News record.
1:06:13 Speaker 00 No, no, no bowling.
1:06:14 Speaker 01 Absolutely not.
1:06:15 Speaker 00 Benito leaves the studio straight away. He goes, it's red hot out there. And he runs out the room.
1:06:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:06:25 Speaker 01 Your dream drink though, Ian?
1:06:27 Speaker 02 So, I thought about, I mean, a red wine, a nice red wine would go very good with lamb.
1:06:32 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:06:33 Speaker 02 But I think if it's a drink, I'm trying to compliment the, um, the waffles.
1:06:37 Speaker 00 That's the thing you want to compliment with a drink, yeah, okay.
1:06:40 Speaker 01 The waffy wine.
1:06:41 Speaker 02 But I loved, my favourite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock.
1:06:44 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:06:45 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
1:06:45 Speaker 02 So I'd like a dandelion and burdock, I reckon, which is almost, it's like a wine.
1:06:49 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:06:50 Speaker 00 I've still never had a dandelion and burdock.
1:06:52 Speaker 02 Really?
1:06:52 Speaker 00 No.
1:06:53 Speaker 02 I should have brought one in.
1:06:54 Speaker 01 I think I've had one once, I can't really remember either way what the impression was that I got of it, but like, I know that
1:07:00 Speaker 02 Hmm.
1:07:00 Speaker 01 I don't really, I can never really place what it is.
1:07:03 Speaker 02 It's quite medicinal.
1:07:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:07:05 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:07:05 Speaker 02 I'll tell you what it is, dandelions and burdock.
1:07:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:08 Speaker 00 So it's quite herbal.
1:07:09 Speaker 02 In any other context.
1:07:10 Speaker 01 No.
1:07:11 Speaker 02 Don't know what burdock is.
1:07:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
1:07:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:14 Speaker 00 But could you, because you've drunk a lot of dandelion and burdock, if the dandelion and burdock were on the quiz for the different herbs, would you be able to pick up on them? Would you be able to say all day long?
1:07:25 Speaker 02 If they kept the flower of the dandelion on.
1:07:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:07:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, but a burdock, I think it's like a root.
1:07:31 Speaker 00 Right.
1:07:32 Speaker 02 So I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't know what that was at all.
1:07:34 Speaker 00 So it's quite medicinal.
1:07:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I like botanical stuff.
1:07:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:07:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:39 Speaker 02 I love elderflower, I'm a big elderflower boy.
1:07:42 Speaker 01 I always associate that with very old people.
1:07:44 Speaker 02 Really?
1:07:45 Speaker 01 Like elderflower drinks.
1:07:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a young man's game now, elderflower.
1:07:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:49 Speaker 02 All the kids, get on social media, it's red hot iron balls and it's elderflower.
1:07:54 Speaker 01 What would happen if you touched elderflower with a red hot iron ball?
1:07:57 Speaker 02 All I know is, if I saw that as a video description, I would click on it, even if there was two adverts before it.
1:08:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:08:03 Speaker 01 I think you would be the only person the algorithm's recommending that to.
1:08:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:08:06 Speaker 01 I don't think anyone else has that crossover.
1:08:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
1:08:08 Speaker 00 It's not lasting long, is it, the elderflower with the red hot iron ball?
1:08:11 Speaker 02 And there'll be a flame.
1:08:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, there'll be a flame, it'll be gone.
1:08:14 Speaker 02 Hmm.
1:08:15 Speaker 00 It'll be up in flames before the, the balls touch most of it, I think.
1:08:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:18 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:08:19 Speaker 02 Some of it does that.
1:08:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:08:20 Speaker 01 Really? That's how hot the iron ball is.
1:08:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's red hot.
1:08:23 Speaker 01 Well. Is there a certain brand of dandelion and burdock that you gravitate to that you buy for the house?
1:08:30 Speaker 02 I guess the go to is Fentamans.
1:08:33 Speaker 01 Oh, yes.
1:08:33 Speaker 02 They're your medicinal type.
1:08:36 Speaker 00 Is that a dandelion? I thought dandelion and burdock was a brand name.
1:08:40 Speaker 02 No, no.
1:08:40 Speaker 00 Is it not?
1:08:41 Speaker 01 Flavor?
1:08:41 Speaker 02 No, just the ingredients.
1:08:43 Speaker 01 Do you think there's like Mr. Dandelion and Mrs. Burdock made a drink?
1:08:47 Speaker 00 Yeah, I thought there was a specific one that called dandelion and burdock.
1:08:51 Speaker 01 No, no, that's the flavor.
1:08:52 Speaker 00 Okay, so Fentamans, dandelion and burdock.
1:08:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, I wouldn't mind a Fentamans.
1:08:56 Speaker 01 Do you think salt and vinegar is a flavor or a brand?
1:09:00 Speaker 00 I think it is.
1:09:01 Speaker 02 Um, let me think of one to join in.
1:09:04 Speaker 00 Look it up.
1:09:04 Speaker 02 Um, do you think Tia Maria is a?
1:09:08 Speaker 00 It's a brand, that is a brand.
1:09:10 Speaker 02 Do you think Tia Maria is a brand?
1:09:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, that is, yeah.
1:09:13 Speaker 02 It's flavoured with Tia and Maria.
1:09:17 Speaker 01 Who was it? Someone told me what Tia Maria meant the other day and then I forgot. It's like auntie or something.
1:09:22 Speaker 00 Auntie Maria.
1:09:22 Speaker 01 Auntie Maria, do you know that?
1:09:24 Speaker 02 No.
1:09:25 Speaker 01 There you go. Now you know that you can tell people that.
1:09:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, we'll tell people that actually. First person I see out of this pod.
1:09:32 Speaker 01 Your hairdresser.
1:09:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, probably.
1:09:34 Speaker 00 Do you want ice in your D and B?
1:09:36 Speaker 02 No, I just want it to be cold though.
1:09:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:09:39 Speaker 02 I've started saying that at like pubs and stuff when they say, do you want ice in your drink? I would just go, is it cold? And they're like, yeah. I went, no, no. And I say in that tone, no. Or I'll ask for like one cube. I don't like getting a, can we get a pint? And they fill it to the top of ice cubes. This is, this is insane.
1:09:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:09:57 Speaker 01 And how much drink are you actually getting?
1:09:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. So I am, yeah, I'm specifying no ice. Just put it in the fridge before I come.
1:10:05 Speaker 00 Frosty cold, frosty glass maybe.
1:10:06 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, like really cold.
1:10:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:10:09 Speaker 02 But I'll ring in advance and say, get a D and B in the fridge, will you, please?
1:10:13 Speaker 01 To the pub?
1:10:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:14 Speaker 01 The restaurant, to the dream restaurant. You say, get a D and B in the fridge.
1:10:17 Speaker 02 Will you?
1:10:18 Speaker 01 Smitty's coming to town.
1:10:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:10:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:19 Speaker 01 You ever call yourself Smitty?
1:10:21 Speaker 02 No, I've had, um, people used to get called Big Smitty as a nickname. My first nickname at school was Ebo, because I had to make a nickname out of Ian. So someone was going like, E, that's too short. Some called me Ebo for a while. And then I was watching an episode of The Weakest Link and there was a woman called Ebo on it. And, um, Anne Robinson, was that a name?
1:10:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:10:45 Speaker 02 Um, is a name. I hope.
1:10:47 Speaker 01 Yep.
1:10:48 Speaker 02 Um, at the time of recording, it is her name.
1:10:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:10:51 Speaker 00 Don't think people lose their names when they die, do they?
1:10:53 Speaker 01 Yes, she'll have it forever.
1:10:55 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:10:56 Speaker 01 Even when her body's long gone, that's his realm.
1:10:58 Speaker 02 Okay, well, whatever state you're in, Anne Robinson asked, um, that's an interesting name, what does it mean? And she said it means Nigerian woman.
1:11:09 Speaker 02 I had to go, I had to go back to school the next day. It's not appropriate, it's not appropriate.
1:11:13 Speaker 00 We've got to knock Ebo on the head, guys.
1:11:15 Speaker 02 It's either E or Big Smitty, I guess, but feels weird for a primary school kid. Got to grow into Big Smitty. Um, so yes, that Ebo is a short-lived nickname for me.
1:11:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:11:30 Speaker 01 Your dream dessert, Ian?
1:11:32 Speaker 02 I love, I love puddings so much.
1:11:35 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:11:36 Speaker 02 So there's so many, but I've gone, so I've just gone with one. My dad's good at puddings.
1:11:41 Speaker 01 Okay, what's his name?
1:11:43 Speaker 02 Andrew, Andrew Smith.
1:11:45 Speaker 01 Shout out.
1:11:46 Speaker 02 I sort of hesitated then, I just thought it was very rare I'd refer to my dad as, um, Andrew.
1:11:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:11:52 Speaker 02 Um, only when he's been naughty.
1:11:53 Speaker 01 No, he's called him Andrew.
1:11:54 Speaker 00 Guess what? Same dad name.
1:11:56 Speaker 02 Oh, what's your dad called?
1:11:59 Speaker 00 This is the first time, this is the first time we've had another, we've had a same dad name.
1:12:04 Speaker 02 Really?
1:12:04 Speaker 01 First time on the pod. How many episodes has it been, Benito? A lot. This is the first time same dad.
1:12:09 Speaker 00 Same dad name.
1:12:09 Speaker 02 What's your dad's middle name?
1:12:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:12:11 Speaker 02 If it was, no, no way.
1:12:13 Speaker 00 No middle name.
1:12:14 Speaker 01 No middle name.
1:12:15 Speaker 02 No middle name?
1:12:16 Speaker 00 No middle name, middle name skip a generation in our family.
1:12:19 Speaker 02 What?
1:12:20 Speaker 00 Cause my granddad, my granddad.
1:12:22 Speaker 01 Hmm.
1:12:23 Speaker 00 Was Andrew Stevenson Gamble, then they had Andrew Gamble.
1:12:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:12:28 Speaker 00 So everyone started calling my granddad Steve. And my middle name is Stevenson.
1:12:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:12:34 Speaker 00 So if I have a son, I'm gonna call him Edward and everyone has to start calling me Steve.
1:12:38 Speaker 01 I can't wait to start calling you Steve. It'd be great.
1:12:42 Speaker 02 That's when you know a pod's been going a long time.
1:12:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:12:45 Speaker 02 When you have to call someone a different name.
1:12:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:12:47 Speaker 02 Because they've called their son their name.
1:12:49 Speaker 00 Yes, yeah, yeah. Professionally, it's going to be really difficult for me, but family traditions must be upheld.
1:12:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:12:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
1:12:54 Speaker 01 I love calling you Steve. I feel like triggering only fools and horses.
1:12:57 Speaker 00 Yeah. What's your dad's middle name?
1:13:00 Speaker 02 Uh, Kenneth.
1:13:02 Speaker 00 Wow. I thought Stevenson was weird.
1:13:04 Speaker 02 Nah.
1:13:05 Speaker 00 Kenneth's a big middle name.
1:13:06 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah?
1:13:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:13:07 Speaker 02 Middle names were better in the past.
1:13:08 Speaker 01 Stevenson's weirder.
1:13:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:13:10 Speaker 01 I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the voice of the listeners here.
1:13:12 Speaker 02 Kenneth's a name. Stevenson's a surname.
1:13:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
1:13:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, I've never met anyone else with the middle name Stevenson before, let alone it's a family tradish.
1:13:20 Speaker 02 A butler getting told off.
1:13:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:13:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:13:23 Speaker 02 Stevenson!
1:13:24 Speaker 01 Stevenson coming here. Do you think this toddler has been shined to perfection? Well, that's what I thought.
1:13:29 Speaker 00 I just think I rarely hear the name Kenneth.
1:13:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, Barlow, Coronation Street, I guess.
1:13:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, but everyone calls him Ken, right?
1:13:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. But I guess maybe-
1:13:38 Speaker 01 Kenneth Williams.
1:13:39 Speaker 00 Kenneth Williams is the only one I hear.
1:13:41 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, yeah. What a esteemed company. Barlow and Williams. That's a drink. What's that?
1:13:46 Speaker 01 Kenneth and Kel?
1:13:48 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
1:13:51 Speaker 00 Be a very different show.
1:13:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'd watch it. I'd still watch it. What does Andrew Kenneth Smith do? Because you started talking about it-
1:13:58 Speaker 02 My dad's got good desserts.
1:14:00 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:14:00 Speaker 01 Sorry.
1:14:01 Speaker 02 My dad was a chef in the Navy. And sort of then did like a few other like cooking jobs as well.
1:14:08 Speaker 00 I'm just gonna jump in. My grandad.
1:14:10 Speaker 02 Oh.
1:14:11 Speaker 00 Andrew Stevenson Campbell.
1:14:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:14:13 Speaker 00 He was in the Navy.
1:14:14 Speaker 02 Really?
1:14:15 Speaker 01 Look at this. You're basically the same guy.
1:14:17 Speaker 02 Yeah. And I don't know how big the age difference is. Was your grandad in the Falklands?
1:14:22 Speaker 00 No.
1:14:23 Speaker 02 Dad might have cooked for him. You never know.
1:14:26 Speaker 01 Because he wasn't in the Falklands?
1:14:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:14:27 Speaker 02 Yeah. I'm not saying he's cooked for everyone in the Falklands.
1:14:31 Speaker 00 He showed his-
1:14:32 Speaker 02 He's cooked for more people in the Falklands than a lot of people you've had on this pod.
1:14:35 Speaker 01 So your dad was a dessert chef in the Navy, yeah? I mean, that, that's-
1:14:39 Speaker 02 He didn't know, not just desserts.
1:14:41 Speaker 01 If it really comes down to it, your dad is probably, you know, is he pretty handy with a whisk against the enemy?
1:14:46 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. He's good at whisking.
1:14:48 Speaker 01 At tracking them with a piping bag? Have you got a piping bag attacking them?
1:14:51 Speaker 02 I think they would let him in a, in a combat situation, they wouldn't just say improvise with the kitchen.
1:14:57 Speaker 01 Your ice cream scoop?
1:14:59 Speaker 00 Yeah. Well, I've got so many things to say. Firstly, guess who else was a chef in the Navy? Stephen Sagal in Under Siege. Oh really?
1:15:08 Speaker 01 I felt so close to you saying Stevenson.
1:15:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:15:11 Speaker 01 I thought you said Stevenson Gal in Under Siege and I was like, what?
1:15:15 Speaker 00 Stevenson Gal.
1:15:16 Speaker 02 Stevenson Gal and he was a chef in the Navy, wasn't he?
1:15:18 Speaker 01 He was, he was, he was a chef in Under Siege.
1:15:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:15:22 Speaker 01 Cause like, that was the big era of action films having like unlikely.
1:15:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:15:25 Speaker 02 Hmm.
1:15:26 Speaker 01 So the hero is always someone who's knocking about and you underestimate him.
1:15:29 Speaker 00 Maybe Under Siege was based on your dad.
1:15:32 Speaker 01 Could be.
1:15:32 Speaker 02 Yeah. I mean, the evidence is there. They're both chefs in the Navy.
1:15:36 Speaker 00 Yeah. So your dad, did he learn to cook in the Navy?
1:15:41 Speaker 02 Um, I'm not sure to be honest. I guess he would have, he must have been able to cook before he was stationed as the ship chef.
1:15:48 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:15:49 Speaker 02 So.
1:15:49 Speaker 00 The ship chef.
1:15:50 Speaker 02 Ship chef. But yeah, I'm not sure what is, um, in terms of like the cookery school. But, but my mum and dad are both, um, good cooks.
1:15:57 Speaker 00 That's good.
1:15:58 Speaker 02 I, my mum does an incredible meatloaf. Let's just get that. I don't want it to feel like I'm just complimenting my dad here.
1:16:04 Speaker 01 Well, enough about her karaoke choices.
1:16:11 Speaker 01 I'm really hoping got that.
1:16:13 Speaker 00 Ben's laughing.
1:16:15 Speaker 02 James going to high five, man. And doing a fist bump. Just a very faint click of like a ring going off.
1:16:21 Speaker 01 Well, there was a really slow motion, my hand going towards it. And then at the last minute, I decided to go for the fist bump, but only caught his top knuckle.
1:16:28 Speaker 00 And it cracked.
1:16:29 Speaker 01 And it cracked.
1:16:33 Speaker 02 Pathetic.
1:16:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:16:36 Speaker 01 That's good, Al.
1:16:37 Speaker 00 Viral.
1:16:38 Speaker 02 Um.
1:16:38 Speaker 01 Viral, that's gone viral. Ed sings Meatloaf at karaoke.
1:16:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:16:42 Speaker 02 Oh, do you?
1:16:42 Speaker 00 I do, yeah.
1:16:43 Speaker 02 I think I did that at karaoke. Well, I don't like karaoke.
1:16:46 Speaker 00 Do you not?
1:16:47 Speaker 02 I think I did a meatloaf once.
1:16:48 Speaker 01 Hmm.
1:16:49 Speaker 02 But I was long in it.
1:16:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:16:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:16:52 Speaker 00 That's why I like doing it.
1:16:53 Speaker 02 Really?
1:16:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:16:54 Speaker 02 Not let anyone else get up.
1:16:57 Speaker 00 It's funny to me that five minutes in, people start clapping as if it's finished and they're relieved.
1:17:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:17:01 Speaker 00 And I have to say, he's not even crashed the bike yet.
1:17:03 Speaker 02 Hmm.
1:17:04 Speaker 01 Yeah. Always works. I've seen him do it about three times. Every time he says he's not even crashed the bike yet, big laugh from that one.
1:17:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, round of applause.
1:17:10 Speaker 01 I'm like, fair enough. I know, I know this isn't the place of material. We're meant to be letting our hair down, having a good time, but you can't fault it.
1:17:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:17:17 Speaker 02 But hell, you get up Bohemian Rhapsody.
1:17:20 Speaker 01 Of course.
1:17:20 Speaker 02 End of the night.
1:17:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:17:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. I do it like Lee Evans. I do all the actions.
1:17:26 Speaker 02 My friend Dom got, we got kicked out of a karaoke bar in Edinburgh because um.
1:17:32 Speaker 01 Is Dom the hairdresser?
1:17:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, he's my friend, Dom.
1:17:35 Speaker 00 You moved on to friend.
1:17:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
1:17:38 Speaker 02 We did, well, he did, but I put him down for Mad World and he did the sad Mad World. A karaoke bar and the guy, the atmosphere was incredible. People were singing along.
1:17:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:17:50 Speaker 02 The guy when it wasn't happy and then we're just about to go up and do Candle in the Wind. Where the guy come up my table, the level of anger for, what funny, is so disproportionate. He's like, you're fucking killing me here. You're killing me here. If you're gonna keep doing songs like that, you can fuck off. And we will keep, that's one of the songs we'll keep doing and we're kicked out.
1:18:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:18:14 Speaker 01 You're kicked out doing sad songs?
1:18:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
1:18:16 Speaker 01 That's great.
1:18:16 Speaker 00 Which Candle in the Wind?
1:18:18 Speaker 02 Well, we didn't get to do.
1:18:19 Speaker 00 Monroe, Monroe or Spencer?
1:18:20 Speaker 01 Back to back, I imagine.
1:18:23 Speaker 02 We were done as a duet and I'd have been singing for Diana and he'd have been singing for Monroe.
1:18:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, my, my, my, my hair better hair.
1:18:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
1:18:30 Speaker 01 And only, only, only just, by the way, to all the Princess Diana fans.
1:18:35 Speaker 00 Of its time as well, the hair.
1:18:36 Speaker 01 Of its time.
1:18:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:18:37 Speaker 01 So you drink dessert?
1:18:38 Speaker 02 The one that, so my dad would make a trifle, but if he's doing a trifle and I just want one component of the trifle, it's my favorite bit.
1:18:46 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:18:47 Speaker 02 But um, you know, you get those, um, they're not like sponge, little sponge fingers and they soak up a bit of jelly.
1:18:54 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:18:55 Speaker 02 Get rid of that.
1:18:56 Speaker 01 Oh.
1:18:56 Speaker 02 Get rid of that shit.
1:18:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:18:58 Speaker 02 No, no, no.
1:18:58 Speaker 01 They won't last two seconds in the vice.
1:19:00 Speaker 02 Get rid of them, they crumble.
1:19:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
1:19:03 Speaker 02 What my dad would do is he'd cut up a Swiss roll.
1:19:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:19:06 Speaker 02 Into slices. He's putting that on the base and then you're pouring hot jelly over that.
1:19:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:19:12 Speaker 02 And then when it sets, the sponge has taken on the jelly and you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake.
1:19:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:19:21 Speaker 02 It's such a.
1:19:22 Speaker 01 I'm laughing at this because I've had, this is very comedy and.
1:19:28 Speaker 02 Have you had it with Swiss roll?
1:19:30 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:19:30 Speaker 02 Ah, very well.
1:19:31 Speaker 01 It is delicious and I, I'm fully in your corner on it.
1:19:34 Speaker 00 Seems like believing you've invented things runs in the family.
1:19:36 Speaker 02 My dad never claims to be invented.
1:19:40 Speaker 02 Um, but I want, I love the cake absorbing jelly and the, the bit of icing that doesn't absorb anything.
1:19:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:19:48 Speaker 02 But so I want a fuck ton, if you're allowed to say that, of cakes.
1:19:52 Speaker 00 You said ton earlier.
1:19:54 Speaker 02 But they're in a bowl. I want you to cut up Swiss roll, chocolate and plain. I want Battenberg sliced up.
1:20:02 Speaker 00 Wow.
1:20:02 Speaker 02 Whack it all in a bowl to the rim. Uh, then I want hot jelly poured over it. I want all that to get soaked up.
1:20:10 Speaker 00 Red jelly?
1:20:11 Speaker 02 Red jelly.
1:20:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:20:12 Speaker 02 Red jelly or I'd even take lime.
1:20:15 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:20:16 Speaker 02 Um, put it in the fridge and then I'd just cut me out a big slice of that. Jellied cake.
1:20:21 Speaker 00 So yeah, jelly. Is, is it jellied cake or caked jelly? Would you say?
1:20:25 Speaker 02 Jellied cake.
1:20:27 Speaker 00 Yes. There's more cake than jelly.
1:20:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, and the, the cake is becoming jellified.
1:20:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:20:33 Speaker 02 But you can't cake jelly, I don't think.
1:20:35 Speaker 00 Okay. Yes. You can jelly cake, you can't cake jelly.
1:20:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, the jelly's affecting the situation here.
1:20:41 Speaker 00 That's the way you remember it. You can jelly a cake, but you can't cake a jelly.
1:20:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:20:44 Speaker 00 I'm sure they could cake a jelly. Cake is a, you can cake stuff, but I guess.
1:20:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:20:49 Speaker 00 No. You can be caked in jelly. Oh yeah, you can be caked in jelly. You can't be jellied in cake.
1:20:53 Speaker 02 Hmm. We know what the, the next T-shirts are gonna be merch wise.
1:20:58 Speaker 02 You can't jelly a cake?
1:21:00 Speaker 00 I think that's great. I can't fault that. I, I would like to eat that any day of the week. That's delicious.
1:21:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm happy with that.
1:21:06 Speaker 00 And it is the best part of a tri- I, I don't know. Actually, the rest of a tri-ple is pretty brilliant.
1:21:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, I like custard, but wouldn't be sad if that was gone.
1:21:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. I'd say a lot of your dishes are just loads of things just thrown together. Oh, yeah.
1:21:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is what they are, yeah.
1:21:20 Speaker 00 I think you could eat a lot. I think you could eat your whole meal with a spoon.
1:21:23 Speaker 02 Hmm. It's good.
1:21:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:21:26 Speaker 02 Blood risotto, um, waffle wah, um, yeah, the lamb, that's falling apart.
1:21:33 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's.
1:21:33 Speaker 02 Yeah. No, you could.
1:21:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:21:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, just put a spoon out.
1:21:38 Speaker 00 Great. So that's your dessert.
1:21:40 Speaker 02 Thanks Ian, thank you.
1:21:41 Speaker 00 Thanks Ian, thanks so much for coming in. Cheers mate.
1:21:42 Speaker 02 See you later.
1:21:46 Speaker 01 So what do you want? What chocolate did you want?
1:21:48 Speaker 00 Go on then, you've got a specific bit of chocolate.
1:21:49 Speaker 02 I've just got a favourite thing, and if you've never had it before, I've got one in my bag that you can try a bit of. I love these so much, a peppermint slice.
1:21:58 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:21:58 Speaker 02 You know your millionaire shortbread?
1:21:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:22:00 Speaker 02 The caramel's gone.
1:22:01 Speaker 00 Right.
1:22:01 Speaker 02 And it's peppermint cream.
1:22:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:22:03 Speaker 02 And they only really do them in like Aberdeen, like sort of northern Scotland. And anytime I go to Aberdeen to see my family, I will walk around Aberdeen to try and find a bakery that's got one. I walked for ages to a cafe near the docks, actually, in my sort of comfortable environment. Um, because a review from two thousand and two said the peppermint squares were nice.
1:22:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:22:25 Speaker 02 I went, they weren't doing them anymore. They had a mint Malteser tiffin, but that's not the same. But um, but I had to get one of them because I can't go into a cafe.
1:22:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:22:34 Speaker 02 Like a bakery and just go, not for me, and walk out.
1:22:37 Speaker 01 I'll tell you what, you can do that.
1:22:38 Speaker 00 Yeah, you can do that.
1:22:39 Speaker 02 Really?
1:22:39 Speaker 01 You can go in any, any place, look around and go, actually, I don't want any of this and walk out. And that's on them. They won't go, what a fucking weird.
1:22:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:22:46 Speaker 01 He didn't, he didn't buy it.
1:22:47 Speaker 00 Have a nice day. Thanks very much.
1:22:48 Speaker 02 Really? That's absolute, that's changed my life.
1:22:50 Speaker 00 Yeah. How much stuff have you bought in the past out of Awkwardness?
1:22:53 Speaker 02 A Mondeo.
1:22:58 Speaker 02 I can barely drive. Can't drive a manual anymore. That's what I got.
1:23:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:23:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I'd like a bit of peppermint square.
1:23:05 Speaker 00 A peppermint square.
1:23:06 Speaker 01 And you got some in your bag?
1:23:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, do you want it? Have you ever had one?
1:23:08 Speaker 01 Let me look.
1:23:09 Speaker 00 No.
1:23:09 Speaker 01 Let me have a look, just to see.
1:23:11 Speaker 02 What do you mean by you look?
1:23:11 Speaker 01 Well, I want to say what exactly what you mean because your description of it was pretty funny.
1:23:15 Speaker 02 Peppermint slice.
1:23:16 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. No, I've not had one of them.
1:23:18 Speaker 00 How have you found it in um, London and not?
1:23:20 Speaker 02 Well, this was, my mum and dad got me um, a little batch of them for Christmas.
1:23:24 Speaker 00 Oh, that's nice.
1:23:25 Speaker 01 For the listener, it's January sixth right now.
1:23:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:23:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Oh, if this comes out, I dare you to put it out in August with me talking about Christmas, I dare you.
1:23:35 Speaker 02 They're gone for Christmas and I still haven't finished them.
1:23:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course.
1:23:38 Speaker 02 Now. Whatever time you're listening, I haven't finished them.
1:23:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:23:42 Speaker 00 How many did they get you?
1:23:44 Speaker 02 Oh, they'll have been a good like five.
1:23:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:23:47 Speaker 02 I've.
1:23:47 Speaker 00 Is this the last one?
1:23:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:23:49 Speaker 01 They know you love them.
1:23:50 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. I've I love them so much. I think it's about I love Mint. Once, have you ever in New Zealand, in Auckland, you've been to the Red Lady? The white lady, the van?
1:24:01 Speaker 01 No.
1:24:02 Speaker 02 It's like a famous kind of food, street food van. It's been around there for ages. It's in a part of Auckland where it's open really late, but the people around the van are quite scary.
1:24:12 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:24:13 Speaker 02 Um, one of the Flavours Milkshake, Flavours Milkshake that they do is Spear Mint.
1:24:21 Speaker 00 Saying it like it's a riddle.
1:24:22 Speaker 02 Flavours Milkshake.
1:24:23 Speaker 00 Which flavours make shake?
1:24:26 Speaker 02 Do you sound like I live under a bridge and I'm getting like a riddle?
1:24:28 Speaker 00 Milkshake flavours three. Chocolate, vanilla or strawberry?
1:24:33 Speaker 02 That's good.
1:24:34 Speaker 01 Oh, that's nice.
1:24:34 Speaker 00 Yeah, I can be a troll.
1:24:35 Speaker 02 Improvised riddle.
1:24:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:24:39 Speaker 01 Not bad.
1:24:40 Speaker 02 Um, but yeah, they did Spear Mint and I thought, I'll try that. Just a big fucking drink of toothpaste. Awful. Worst thing I've ever had in my life.
1:24:48 Speaker 00 Kids. What I always love is when someone mentions a place.
1:24:51 Speaker 01 By name.
1:24:52 Speaker 00 Benito's Googling it, big build up, and it ends with you saying they do something that's disgusting.
1:24:58 Speaker 01 Worst food ever in my life.
1:24:59 Speaker 02 The milkshakes are disgusting, but the burgers are lovely.
1:25:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:25:01 Speaker 02 Even that out.
1:25:02 Speaker 00 What colour lady was it? White lady.
1:25:04 Speaker 01 It was a white lady, there you go. I'm originally men- men your back now, see how you feel about it?
1:25:08 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:25:08 Speaker 01 Water, you want blood? Pudding or bread?
1:25:11 Speaker 00 And you wanted that.
1:25:12 Speaker 01 You want that. Pudding or bread, you want a basket of, uh, Rowies?
1:25:16 Speaker 02 I guess Rowie or buttery.
1:25:18 Speaker 00 Butteries, yeah.
1:25:19 Speaker 01 Potato dampies.
1:25:20 Speaker 00 Dampers, dampers. Potato dampies is what he's making in the drain toilet.
1:25:24 Speaker 01 He's put dampies here.
1:25:25 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:25:25 Speaker 01 Benito has written dampies here.
1:25:27 Speaker 02 I'm listening to.
1:25:28 Speaker 00 See how he's loving it?
1:25:30 Speaker 01 Starter, haggis, salmon and saffron risotto, brackets, McColly's surprise.
1:25:37 Speaker 01 Main course, slow cooked lamb with blackened dumpy carrots and waffle wire potatoes, which is just side dish, is waffle wire potatoes. Drink, Fentiman's dandelion and burdock. Dessert, jellied cake.
1:25:49 Speaker 01 Followed by a peppermint square.
1:25:52 Speaker 00 It's sort of snuck up on me how, how fucking mad that menu is.
1:25:55 Speaker 01 Yep.
1:25:56 Speaker 02 Well.
1:25:56 Speaker 01 When you hear it back.
1:25:57 Speaker 00 It is mad, Ian.
1:25:59 Speaker 02 My original water choice was gonna be bobbing for apples.
1:26:02 Speaker 01 Was it?
1:26:04 Speaker 00 I'm disappointed we didn't get to that.
1:26:05 Speaker 02 This water's boring, I thought it was just bob for apples.
1:26:07 Speaker 01 Have you ever bobbed for apples before? Successfully?
1:26:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think I've got an apple, yeah.
1:26:12 Speaker 01 Wow.
1:26:13 Speaker 00 So the water choice is bobbing for apples. Are you hoping you'll accidentally take some water on to hydrate?
1:26:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:26:19 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's the plan. That's how you wanna take all your water through.
1:26:20 Speaker 01 Well, we'll let you do that as well. The blood, you have the blood on the side.
1:26:23 Speaker 02 Do it at the end.
1:26:24 Speaker 00 Or bob for apples but in blood.
1:26:25 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
1:26:26 Speaker 01 Very Halloweeny.
1:26:28 Speaker 02 Bob for blood oranges.
1:26:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:26:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:26:31 Speaker 02 Yeah. You're not even getting to eat them once you've got them then. You've got to get them and then peel them. Awful. Peel's blood oranges in blood and I'll bob for them.
1:26:40 Speaker 00 Ian, you're one of those guests where it takes ages because everything that anyone mentioned, any word, you've got a story about it.
1:26:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:26:46 Speaker 00 You find that.
1:26:47 Speaker 02 I try and come with anecdotes, um.
1:26:51 Speaker 01 And listen, we have a secret ingredient every week.
1:26:53 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. I was nervous about that.
1:26:56 Speaker 01 For you.
1:26:57 Speaker 00 It was harsh this week.
1:26:58 Speaker 01 Because I was like, because of ghoul, I was like, we should make salt and pepper the secret ingredient. But only if you specify you want some salt and pepper in there. And when you said the haggis.
1:27:07 Speaker 02 I didn't even want pepper, yeah.
1:27:08 Speaker 01 When you said that, I was like, I mean, you've absolutely swerved it.
1:27:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:27:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
1:27:13 Speaker 00 You specifically swerved the secret ingredient.
1:27:15 Speaker 02 That makes it look like Benito's giving me a tip-off.
1:27:19 Speaker 00 No, he would have loved it.
1:27:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:27:21 Speaker 01 Don't say something.
1:27:22 Speaker 00 He loves it when it goes wrong. Ian, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.
1:27:25 Speaker 02 Thank you.
1:27:26 Speaker 00 Thank you very much.
1:27:26 Speaker 01 Thank you, Ian.
1:27:32 Speaker 00 Thank you so much to Ian for coming on the pod.
1:27:35 Speaker 01 Oh, Ian Smith.
1:27:36 Speaker 00 We went through a lot of topics.
1:27:38 Speaker 01 He's got a, I mean, I don't know what's gonna make it in, what's gonna not make it in, but, uh, I hope it makes sense.
1:27:44 Speaker 00 What will definitely make it in is Ian deliberately saying he didn't want pepper.
1:27:49 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:27:49 Speaker 00 He wanted haggis instead.
1:27:51 Speaker 01 That was great.
1:27:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:27:52 Speaker 01 Because like, you know, he didn't know, obviously.
1:27:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:27:55 Speaker 01 So he's actually gone out of his way to not put pepper on a dish by using haggis instead. He definitely didn't say the secret ingredient. He gets to stay in the restaurant.
1:28:03 Speaker 00 What I would say is that the pepperiness in haggis comes from pepper. But I, I didn't wanna, I didn't wanna go down that road.
1:28:10 Speaker 01 No, no, especially because he would have been like, why am I being so interrogated on this particular?
1:28:15 Speaker 00 But even just the idea of saying, you can put haggis on something and you don't have to use pepper.
1:28:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:28:21 Speaker 00 You are putting pepper on it.
1:28:23 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:28:23 Speaker 00 That's what you're doing. Yeah, meaty pepper and oats and stuff. Yeah.
1:28:26 Speaker 01 The best pepper, maybe.
1:28:27 Speaker 00 The best pepper.
1:28:28 Speaker 01 Meaty pepper.
1:28:29 Speaker 00 Meat pepper.
1:28:29 Speaker 01 Dr Pepper's.
1:28:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:28:31 Speaker 01 Uh, older brother?
1:28:32 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:28:33 Speaker 01 Tougher brother.
1:28:34 Speaker 00 Tough, yeah.
1:28:34 Speaker 01 Of meaty pepper.
1:28:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, meat pepper.
1:28:36 Speaker 01 Fights his battles for him.
1:28:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:28:38 Speaker 01 Crushing is out now. Watch Ian Smith and his new comedy special. Uh, you will, you'll be so glad that you did.
1:28:46 Speaker 00 Of course, our dear old friend Ian Smith is on tour now with Foot Spa Half Empty. For dates and tickets, go to iansmithcomedian.com. And listen to Northern News, his podcast with Amy Gladhill. It's very, very funny.
1:28:58 Speaker 01 And, and do you know what? Watch all of Amy Gladhill's stuff.
1:29:00 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:29:01 Speaker 01 While we're here.
1:29:02 Speaker 00 Oh, come on. We can't be using Ian's episode to plug Amy's stuff.
1:29:06 Speaker 01 Well, come on. Just do, do, do the whole Northern News world.
1:29:10 Speaker 00 Yes, okay.
1:29:11 Speaker 01 You know, store that and then listen to all the explosive podcasts.
1:29:14 Speaker 00 Yeah. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu Podcast. We will see you next week.
1:29:18 Speaker 01 We will see you next week.
1:29:19 Speaker 00 Bye bye.
1:29:19 Speaker 01 Bye bye.
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