Greg James

Radio 1 DJ Greg James is this week’s dream guest in the Dream Restaurant. And James calls in to the radio… Greg James’s book ‘All the Best for the Future: Growing Up Without Growing Old’ is out now. Buy it here https://www.waterstones.com/book/all-the-best-for-the-future/greg-james/2928377334642. See Greg James on his book tour. For dates and tickets go here https://www.tegeurope.com/events/greg-james/. Follow Greg on on Instagram @greg_james https://www.instagram.com/greg_james and TikTok @gregjames https://www.tiktok.com/@gregjames Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 2 Oct. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the Mars Ice Cream out of the freezer of humour, leaving it on the kitchen side of friendship, unwrapping it, tucking in for a lovely podcast ice cream bar, James.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  The perfect way to enjoy, we're not advertising them, that is Ed Gamble, my name is James Acaster, together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest and ask them their favourite ever started main course, side dish and drink, I believe.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  I believe it's drink.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Not in that order.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  No.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  And this week, our guest is?

• 0:42Speaker 00

  Greg James. Greg James, of course, the host of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show, James.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  A consummate broadcaster, a wonderful man, handsome as you like.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  And definitely destined to be a national treasure.

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Oh, he's well on his way to national treasure states.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  You know, a young man, but you can already tell he's going to go down in history as one of our most cherished broadcasters.

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Absolutely. Very much looking forward to speaking to Greg about his dream menu. I'm a big fan of Greg's. He's also got a book out, James.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  He has. All the Best for the Future, it's called. Growing Up Without Growing Old.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Yes, it looks great.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Looks absolutely fantastic, stories from Greg's life.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  And he's going on a book tour.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  I believe he's on the book tour currently and if you live in Glasgow or Leeds, you still have a chance to go. But you've got to be, to see the Glasgow show, if you're listening to this on the day it comes out, it is tonight. So if there are any tickets remaining, you should go. But if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he's out of here.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  And today, the secret ingredient for Greg James is?

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Run a duck.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  Run a duck because of the Longboy saga. Longboy was a duck that Greg was obsessed with. A lot of people were.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  Loved Longboy.

• 1:56Speaker 00

  Loved Longboy the duck who was at York University, used to live on the grounds of York University. It went missing, presumed dead. Then I ate Run a Duck on Great British Menu and Greg decided I'd eaten Longboy and there was a huge scandal. That might come up on the podcast.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Might come up if we talk about it.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  We don't check him out, but if he chooses Run a Duck, it's on the menu.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Which would be hypocritical beyond belief.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  It'd be insane.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  If Greg ate Run a Duck.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  And wasn't just thinking about Longboy the whole time and feeling bad. You might as well be eating Longboy, so.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  Exactly. So he might say it, he might not. I'm just saying, hopefully he doesn't say it, but it'd be funny to kick Greg out.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Especially for that deserved.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  It would be deserved, but I don't think anyone would be against that.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  This is the off-menu menu of Greg James.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Welcome Greg to the Dream Restaurant.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  Thanks so much.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  Welcome Greg James to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Well, it's very difficult to get a table.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  It's a real pleasure to be here.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Just to pull some strings to get a table?

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just drop the name. Yeah. Drop the name.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Your own name?

• 3:04Speaker 02

  No.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no. But I walked into this room and I said to James, the people go, oh, guys, different in real life. It's nice in here. And he went, no.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Greg said, you must get this a lot, but it's crazy seeing this for the first time. I'm like, Greg, no one's ever said that.

• 3:24Speaker 02

  Why not? Well, these ungrateful bastards.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  I guess because I'm looking at the audio setup.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, of course.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Because you have the cameras.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  You're an audio nerd.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  I'm an audio guy.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Because you spend pretty much every day of your life in a radio studio.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  That is true, yeah.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  When you go into other studios, you must be like, this is different.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  I think I've done radio for longer than I haven't.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:44Speaker 01

  But I guess you have with comedy, right? Because when did you start doing sort of?

• 3:47Speaker 02

  When I was 23. So yeah, I'm not, I'm not there yet. I've been doing 17 years.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not there yet.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  We look good on it.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  You're great.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Thank you, Greg.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not there yet, but it'll be.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  I'm grown up. Without growing old, you could say.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  Hey, that's good.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  That's the subtitle of your book.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  It's the subtitle, yeah.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  It's the subtitle. I wasn't going to get All the Best for the Future in there early on.

• 4:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't say that as the first thing you say to someone.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Anyway, all the best for the future, Greg.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Thank you. Well, all the best for the future to you both.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  You've done a book.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  I have. It's called All the Best for the Future. Do you know who came up with the title?

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Go on.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Paul and Barry chuckle.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  I'm reading the little blurb and I did, I did know that and I think it's probably the funniest starting point for a book that I've ever read. Please, tell the story.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Well, I don't know what your Chuckle Brothers sort of cultural touchpoints are. Were you into them? Did you rush home and watch Chuckle Vision?

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Constantly loved them, still think about them to this day.

• 4:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  But I think that set us all, a certain generation set us all on a path of going, oh, maybe you could just mess around forever.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  And just do that sort of job.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  And do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  Well, not specifically the narrative of the show.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  But the, not the, not the actual stories in the show.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  Great talk about the actual people.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  I'm not talking about their personas, I'm talking about the real, the real people. Cause you know that that boss was an actor.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. And do you know who the boss was?

• 5:13Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  They're half brothers. So there were two people who were always the boss.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Mr. No Slacking and I think, I can't remember what the other catchphrase was there.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Mr. No Slacking.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Mr. No Slacking. They were the half brothers of the Chuckle Brothers.

• 5:23Speaker 02

  They were both their half brothers.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  And the catchphrase was?

• 5:26Speaker 00

  No Slacking.

• 5:26Speaker 02

  No.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Slacking.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  And they were the half Chuckle Brothers?

• 5:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  It's like a showbiz family. I think the.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  Half Chuckle.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Nearly there.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  You nearly got it.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Titter.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  I'd watch a set for a show, a spin off show that's called The Half Chuckle Brothers.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  And that's just the two half brothers.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Knocking around.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  So him and Barry, when I was 10, I went to go and see the Chuckle Brothers with my nan at Weymouth Pavilion.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Amazing.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Great venue.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  Have you done stand up there?

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Once.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's a great venue.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  Ben Elton was in the main room.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Good luck to him.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  One day.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  All the best for the future.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  All your best for the, for the future and your quest of the main room at Weymouth Pavilion.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  But it's, um, it was a signing, they did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and it was, and he wrote to Gregory, all the best for the future. Which I was so excited about cause I was there in my shell suit, you know, with all the other kids being like, oh my God, it's the, it's the guys off the telly. This is the, these are the best guys. And when we walked away and my nan was like, let's have a look at that. And she'd see that and go, why did they write all the best for the future? That's just a strange thing to say to a kid. But it is quite strange, but I like, I like. That they wrote that and I've always remembered it and I just thought that's quite a good starting point for the book. So start as a ten, ten year old me.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:39Speaker 02

  And I sort of imagine what my future life could be like. So it's a lot, it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and um, sort of gripes about the world and a reminder, hopefully to, to stay true to your ten year old self. Cause it's probably the stuff you love when you were ten is probably the stuff you've kind of liked now.

• 6:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  To a certain extent.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  To a certain extent. Chuckle Brothers.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  Chuckle Brothers.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  I'll watch it, I'll watch it after, when I get home after this.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  I mean, look, you know, definitely I've made a living off of uh coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much I love ice cream.

• 7:10Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  That was me as a ten year old, it's not changed at all. If anything, it's got even more intense.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Yes. You still love wrestling?

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Still love wrestling, yeah, exactly. I'm regressing basically.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  I think that's fine, but I think you can regress as you get older, but you've just got, cause it, maybe it's even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  You do have to do both.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  You've got to do the taxes and, and, and watch Chuckle Brothers.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, otherwise your life sort of falls apart.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:33Speaker 02

  Then you're just sat at home watching Chuckle Brothers.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Then you're a genuine Chuckle Brother, cause like within the script of the show, I don't think those guys were doing their taxes.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  No, no way they.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  No way.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  That feels like a sort of after hours sort of like grown up version of it where they didn't, it's like an HMRC infomercial.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like Jan, it's January thirtieth, it's five to midnight and then just pushing the HMRC form from one to the other going to me, to you.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  And then they would get investigated at some point.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  And the, they'd sit down with them and go, okay, listen, you've had a series of jobs, each lasting less than a day from what we can see.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  Do you, do you explain this one at the, at the marble factory?

• 8:14Speaker 02

  And how were you paid?

• 8:16Speaker 00

  It is cash in hand, isn't it?

• 8:17Speaker 02

  Right, okay.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  It's gotta be cash in hand.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  It's repeatedly one of two bosses, can you explain that?

• 8:24Speaker 00

  And they're your brothers.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  Multiple jobs. You have about 365 jobs a year. Two bosses. Who are in all these businesses. We were investigating them as well. You better believe that we are. Don't look at him. Look, answer, answer the question.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  Put the ladder down.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:41Speaker 02

  No, no, clean the windows in a minute.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  This is serious.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Stop saying, oh, no.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  Be careful with that, with that bucket of slime. Okay.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  When you're telling that story, as someone, you must now sign autographs for people.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  I do.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  During this book, you're gonna be signing books, going to book signings.

• 9:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  All the best, fair enough. All the best for the future.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Not only is it weird for me to say to a kid, I'd say if you're doing loads of signings, I would just write all the best.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  It's a long thing to write.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  I wouldn't want to double my word count there.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  All the best for the future, which maybe shows that they really did care.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Well, I guess so. Or, I mean, I, I interviewed Paul. There's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  Quite a sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in 30 years. And I said, why do you, did you do this for all the kids? And he went, no.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  I don't know why I'd even say that. And I went, what, what do you think? He went, well, he must have said something. So he blamed me. And I said, well, maybe I said, maybe I want to be like, be on telly one day or like.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  So I think that's maybe what it was. Cause he said he would normally just do To Me To You.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  So I don't know. I think it might be a one of one. I think it's unique.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  This is incredible.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  It might be. I mean, anyone reached out since the?

• 9:59Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Could just be you.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  All the best for the future.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  I think it's it.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  It might be. Well, look, this is, this is, this is it. If there is somebody who's also gotten all the best for the future.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Chuckle Brothers autograph, yeah.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Are you gonna be signing it that?

• 10:10Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  When you're doing these book signings?

• 10:11Speaker 02

  I think I'm gonna have to.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  You have to.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  I think there's so many when you're signing books. Can you just write C cover?

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Well, some of them, you get, you get a.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, greeting on the front.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  But you have to do quite a few pre-signed ones.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, just when they send you the pages.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  First five, you're just like, thanks for buying that book, love you, all the best for the future. Seventh onwards is just G kiss.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, you get. I do mean them all. I mean it. You mean every single one? I mean every single one. G kiss, you mean that? G kiss.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  Who was it you got in trouble recently for the signed book was literally just they put a dot in him? It was just like.

• 10:47Speaker 02

  Can't be. Just a dot?

• 10:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was like they got, obviously they had to do thousands and then they're literally just doing like a dash or a dot.

• 10:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  There's something nice about it because it's been handled by the star though, isn't it? And that, even that book, even though it's a dot from Bob Dylan, it's been handled by him. Yeah, I mean Dylan's that level where I would accept it if it was just a dot. You're not accepting a dot from me and you shouldn't. Yeah.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Bob Dylan, Bob Dylan, I don't know if it was him, but the way he does his songs now is basically a dot version of the songs.

• 11:18Speaker 02

  Hmm. It is. I took my dad to see Bob Dylan at the Albert Hall.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 02

  My dad's got quite bad sight, um, which was good because Bob Dylan was basically standing in the dark.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  My dad, my dad was going, what's he doing now? And even I don't know.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Couldn't tell you.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  I'm not sure. And so he sort of shuffles around like it's, you're just watching them jamming.

• 11:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  He doesn't even say hello. Yeah. It doesn't even address the crowd, which I really respect because it's, you know, a lot of it is, hey guys, I say, everyone's together. Get your hands in the air and. But Bob's like, I actually would rather you all just fucked up. Yeah, yeah. And just let, leave, leave us to it really. But thanks for your 250 quid.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, Bob Dylan, I'm not buying that from him if he came out and went, guys, we're all together. It's amazing. How are you feeling lunch? It's like, come on.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  It's not, yeah, it's not Chris Martin. Get your wristbands up.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Let's go. I ain't gonna buy it from him.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  When Chris Martin's doing all that, I'm like, pull the other one, you don't give a shit.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Do you not think?

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm like, shut up.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Is the truth somewhere between Bob and Chris?

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, you know, they do appreciate being there, but also they're at work.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  And actually, why they really got into the industry is because of their love of playing music. So they'd rather just get on with that, not shout out to everyone of, look around you and how amazing this is and we're all here.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Chris Martin, absolutely. If he ever comes on this podcast, I'll say it, I'll say it.

• 12:46Speaker 02

  You say it to his face?

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll say it to his face.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  Well, there's a thing where, where you do a stadium show, you get to that level, because it's, and it's basically the same show every night.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  And there's a bit in the Taylor Swift show where she cries, but it looked like, I wonder if she cried every night.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Almost certainly.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  That's the thing, like, and on the autocue, this is the bit, like, turn the waterworks on, because this is the bit.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  But she did it every night.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  I saw it at Glastonbury with Dolly Parton. I was watching it from the side of stage and she was, she has like a teleprompter with her anecdotes and stuff.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  That's amazing.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 02

  But she makes it sound.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Real. It's great.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  There's a clip of Brian Wilson, obviously, yeah, fair enough, in his later days, he was just having it all on the teleprompter autocue thing. And there's a bit on one of the live, like, recordings, and he's clearly reading it, and he goes, between songs goes, woo. And then, and then dead serious, and then woo. And he does, it's written on the thing to say woo. And he does it for the whole time it's on the screen, and then he pauses and waits seriously, and then does it again.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  Like a little karaoke ball on each word.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, the words are being colored in as it goes along. And then he's like, right, cool, and now I'm doing God only knows.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. But by that point, I guess it sort of does become karaoke.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  For those legendary artists, they're all just doing karaoke now.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  And worse versions.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. It sounds like a MIDI file. Yeah.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  I bet everyone, I bet Taylor Swift does, does do that cry every night at the same time. And I bet everyone who's part of her crew and work on that show absolutely hates her for it. For that one bit. They might like working with Taylor Swift.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  A lot of the things you said in the last 10 minutes are saying more about you than they are about.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Listen, if I was part of that crew, every time she cried every night, I would turn to someone and go, fucking sociopath. Yeah, well that is, look at this absolute sociopath we're working for. She's crying fake every night, but she can make herself do it to all these people. I remember earlier on when she just like told you to get her a coffee, remember that shit?

• 14:40Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  I'd be like, look at her.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  But you're imagining you working on a Taylor Swift stadium show.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I'd be annoyed because I'd be like.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  But you're not passing the vetting process.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, you, you're not, you're not getting that job because you have to shit.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  I, I, I get, I get.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  You're not getting that job.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  I've got loads of experience in live performance.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  More likely to get a job on the Taylor Swift stadium show is the Chuckle Brothers.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Excuse me.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  Do not let them hang those lights up.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  They are, they are killing crowd members. That's it.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  They wouldn't have approved of it either. It'd be me and the Chuckles side of stage going, here we go. Here come the waterworks. There they are.

• 15:12Speaker 02

  Got going with them.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Right on cue. Go on Barry, clear it up.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Oh, he slipped on him again.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  He slipped on him again. He's like, Paul, go and get him. Although, against my better judgement, go and get him, Paul.

• 15:22Speaker 00

  Oh, Paul slipped over him.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  There we go, he's pulled him over.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Okay, I'm going in. I'll try and keep my opinions to myself when I'm out there, but.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Get away, you sociopath. Got to pick up the Chuckles again.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  Still a sparkling water, Greg James.

• 15:38Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  It's still.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  And it is tap.

• 15:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  It is tap.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  I, I, I feel like I'm a, I'm a chugger. I'm, I'm a water, I'm very well hydrated, I feel.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Hmm, yeah.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Are you a chugger with all drinks? Because I'm a, I'm a gulper, James will tell you that.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Big gulps.

• 15:54Speaker 00

  Big gulps.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  Big gulps, big sets. I'm quite a gulper, yeah, but it's the, the water thing I get. I don't know what it is, but I, during the show, I get through a lot. I've got sort of an army issue of flagon that I take with me to the frontline, which is the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. Fending off all the pop hits, crying pop stars. And um, but it's it's tap for me and it's it's a lot of it. And that's it. But I do think there's um, and I did wanna discuss this with you actually quite seriously.

• 16:20Speaker 00

  Please.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkling, you say actually, because you all go, actually, tap is fine.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:28Speaker 02

  But tap's always fine. But they make you feel like a third-class citizen.

• 16:32Speaker 00

  They make you feel pathetic for saying it.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  They make you feel like you're saying, oh, I don't deserve the other things.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Tap for me, please.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, I I really like it when they include it.

• 16:41Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 16:42Speaker 01

  In the options. But when they don't and they make you say it.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. They should include it in the options.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  They should. That's the best option. I think the worst-case scenario is them coming up, looking at you and going, tap?

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is bad.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Still sparkling or probably tap?

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Probably tap.

• 16:58Speaker 02

  Probably tap for you, isn't it?

• 16:59Speaker 00

  You're a tap guy.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, just out of your hands. But it's, I I had, um, I don't wanna show off, but I had Turkish eggs before I came here.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 17:08Speaker 02

  Well.

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Round the corner. Big name drop.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  And they had, and they did the still or sparkling. And I was like, this is a good warm-up.

• 17:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  What about to go and do? So I felt, I felt ready.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  No one's ever done, gone method before.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  This was a really good warm-up, this guy. Because also, he said, I said to him, tap's fine. And he replied, and this has never happened before, he replied with, even our tap water is filtered, so there's a one-pound surcharge.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Never heard of that before.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  No. I think that's absolute bullshit.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  And I went, oh. And then he, before I could answer, he went, it goes to charity.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  They got you.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  He's got you.

• 17:40Speaker 02

  Well, I didn't wanna pry anymore. I should have asked.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  That sounds like he he riffed that on the spot.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  He could tell you have a problem. And they said, it goes to charity. And then he's gone back in the kitchen and gone, I'm just told that guy out there that the the water money goes to charity.

• 17:52Speaker 02

  What? Why'd you do that, you fucking idiot?

• 17:55Speaker 01

  What do we do? Do we donate it to charity? No, of course we're not gonna fucking donate it to charity.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  It's for us.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  We're a Turkish egg business. We're doing fucking appalling, mate.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  A Turkish egg business?

• 18:03Speaker 01

  We can't afford to give money to charity.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  But he, yeah.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Restaurant in London, for Christ's sake.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  He was ready with it. He was ready with, it goes to charity.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  He's obviously had that chat a lot. Where people have been awkward about the one-pound surcharge for tap water.

• 18:15Speaker 02

  Prove it.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, prove it.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  Show me the papers.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:18Speaker 02

  Where's the paper trail? Get the, get the chocolate brothers tax guys back in.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  The same people, one of the same people who audited the Chuckle Brothers.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Otherwise, I'm not gonna believe it. First time I ever interacted with you was in a restaurant, but you don't remember it? I do remember it, and we're gonna say it after three. One, two, three, Joe and the Juice. No. Yeah, it was. No. Yeah, it was. No. When was it? No, Joe and the Juice was way later. Okay. Wow. Give me, give me a year, when was it? They call Joe and the Juice a restaurant. Uh, I would say. It's my favourite restaurant. What year was it? I would say it was 2013. Really? Yeah. Was it a comedy thing? Yeah. Was Kerns there? Yeah. Cahill? Yeah. Hmm, this checks out.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  You can't say this checks out when you've offered all of the details. Also Greg, I'm gonna tell you this, this is something that I have brought up to you since and you didn't remember. And now you've forgotten it again, which I'm loving. Yeah. But I'm a nice guy. Yeah, you're a nice guy and a lot of stuff is going on in your life. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay, tell me then, when was it? I'd love to. Edinburgh, 2013. Oh, okay. At the, uh, City Cafe, I believe. Right. Was the one opposite the Tron? Don't look at me, I wasn't there. Was, was, was one opposite the Tron? Yes. City Cafe. Do you not remember? You were, you were there. You, you, you're there with Kerns and Cahill. I'm sat on the table with Joel Dommett and David Trent. Oh my god, oh my god, yeah. And this was David Trent's idea and it's still one of my favourite things ever. He said, Kerns is with Craig James.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  We didn't know that you went to uni together at the time and all this. We didn't know that you knew each other. What the fuck? And Trent went, let's, uh, send them over a bowl of rice. I remember, okay, I remember that. So he said to the. I remember that. The waitress, can you please send a bowl of rice to that table? And, and we were grateful. It turned up, you all looked confused and then you looked over at us and the three of us just raised our glasses to you. Yeah, lovely. It's a great move. And that was it. Didn't talk to you. Yeah, it's such a power move, isn't it, that? That's all we did. It's a good move. Bowl of rice. Happy about it. Bowl of rice. Well, thanks for the rice. So then I went on your radio show a couple of years later. Yeah. That had been our only interaction, so I thought, obviously Greg remembers it. Did you bring that up on the radio? I didn't just bring it up, I brought with me a box of Uncle Ben's rice.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  How do you not remember this? Slammed it down on the desk and you were like, okay, what's that? Yeah, I knew he was a weird guy, but. I thought I bought you some rice and you were like, okay, um, do you wanna tell me what, this is live on the radio. Do you wanna tell me why? Yeah, cause I had to tell that. You were like, oh, okay.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  And now again, you forgot again.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  And now you're like Joe and the Juice. Joe and the Juice, well, I just simply said hello to you on my way out and that was it.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, but we're, I mean, you said more than you said the time with the rice time.

• 20:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  At least you spoke to me this time and it just communicated through rice.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  But you're in a me, I, I, actually, Joe and the Juice, we haven't really gone over that since, because I, I got the impression that you were actually in more of a proper meeting or something than I had anticipated and I'd interrupted it on the way out.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  But I remember being happy to see you and I said that, nice to, let's hang out soon, didn't, no.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  I knew that.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  I wanted to.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  I knew that wasn't gonna happen.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  You didn't mean that.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  I did mean that. You didn't mean it.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  I meant that.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  Didn't feel like you meant, I, I remember leaving thinking, what a professionally nice man.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  Well, especially is.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  Fascinating.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  You said, we should hang out soon.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 21:31Speaker 00

  But you're saying you thought that was the first time you met James. So that's a mad thing to say.

• 21:35Speaker 02

  He had been on my show, he had been on my show before the Joe and the Juice thing, I think.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Yes, I had.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  And then there'd be the confusing rice thing on the show.

• 21:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  And then I'd come up to you, Joe and the Juice, say, hey, man, so I'm gonna meet and get out of here.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  I'm sorry. Nice to meet you, let's hang out.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  I, I should have bought some rice.

• 21:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:50Speaker 02

  I've really fucked it, no.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  I considered doing it again.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  Considered having like an even bigger thing of rice in this time when you came in, a huge tray.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Kern's is responsible for my first ever shout out on Off Menu.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  Yes, we don't remember that, obviously.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Well.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  A first ever as well, so you must have had more.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  I think, well, I think it was the first ever, it's the first one I've heard.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 22:10Speaker 02

  And it was to do with being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla.

• 22:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I remember that.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  I just thought, that's, that's about right. And Kern's there sitting there going.

• 22:21Speaker 03

  It's bedtime, he's not, he's not going there.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Was it Mar, is Margalisa's restaurant?

• 22:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was Margalisa's.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  Right for us, Catherine.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:27Speaker 02

  And now I am being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla.

• 22:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Well, I think just because I've seen you in City Cafe with him, it's our first point of reference to someone that John would go to dinner with.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  And because it's a funny pairing, because obviously you've known each other for years.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  But for everyone who just knows the two of you separately, it doesn't really make sense that we would hang out.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  John was on some of my first Radio One shows, we got him on to do stuff.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  It was like agony encore type stuff.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  Amazing.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. He used to do loads, we used to do loads of stuff on student radio together as well, where we'd get him to go and do, um, live cinema reviews, but in the, in the film. So that was really, it's a good, I think it's a good feature.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Make that back.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  I should bring that back, I do it with John.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  With John.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, with John.

• 23:06Speaker 03

  Are they kissing now?

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  It's a big kiss.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  I'd love it. I think enough of our listeners could bully Radio One into bringing that back.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, we could do that.

• 23:17Speaker 00

  You're okay with us bullying Radio One?

• 23:19Speaker 02

  I'm seven years into a breakfast show. We're low on ideas. We're low. I'm doing the rice thing on Monday.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  You better be.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Popadoms or bread? Popadoms or bread, Greg James? Popadoms or bread? I've thought about this a lot, obviously. It's popadoms.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Great.

• 23:35Speaker 02

  And for, for specific reasons, actually. And it's, I, I think that popadoms, the popadom section of a, of a curry night is the most, is the happiest that you can be at dinner. If you're going out.

• 23:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Because I think there's so much, it's such a lovely moment where you're like, we're so early on into this meal.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  It's all potential.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, but, but we're getting kind of the best bit now.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  We're, we're, this is, this is gonna be a brilliant night. We've got plans later, whatever it is. We've just got nothing else to do. We're just gonna sit here, but the start is, it's like having, it's like the greatest hits first in a show, isn't it?

• 24:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  It's like, it's that you're having, you've got, and this great performance of it as well is really nice. Cause you've got the carousel of the dips and you've got the, I, I just think that's a nice, nice thing to do with your friends. So it's popadoms for me.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  It's why, it's why it's even part of our format.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  Because of.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  But you feel that, don't you?

• 24:27Speaker 01

  I feel that with popadoms.

• 24:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  I don't feel it so much with bread when it comes out.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  No.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  Even though I've always picked bread on this, whenever I've done my own menu, but like, it was that thing, I remember having a curry in York and being like, this should be part of the podcast. This feeling, it feels so good.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  It's an amazing feeling.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  And it's also, Ben, Ben's face, absolutely livid that I've told that boring story.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Also, but I don't.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Every time it's boring and, and goes nowhere, he's, he's sitting there.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Are you telling me you're in York and you thought this should be part of the podcast?

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:56Speaker 00

  But you did it episode one?

• 24:58Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  And you definitely made it up on the spot. At no point had you planned.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  I didn't plan to shout it.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  No.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  But I knew it was part of the thing. We'd talked about it.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  No, you didn't tell me.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  We talked about it in the cafe immediately before.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  But I had, I had a curry in York the same week and I was so happy when the popadoms came out that I was like, we've got to have this as part of this.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  This feeling has got to be part of the podcast.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Cause like, it's, it's three days till we do this podcast. I haven't really.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Thought it through.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  I think I should, I should put this in there as part of the dream meal.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  And it's still there.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  And when Greg was describing that then, I was back in that curry house in York.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  We rarely talk about the feeling. It's about the feeling.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  It's the feeling.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm more, I'm more, when I go out for dinner, I'm more interested in the feeling than the food.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  I think so. I mean, the food has to be decent, but I'm more interested in the whole, the atmosphere. And poppadom sets a great atmosphere.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  I agree with that.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Sharing, immediately there's chat, immediately there's someone disagreeing about how you're chopping them, how you're smashing them.

• 25:50Speaker 00

  What dips you're putting on.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Which order.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  And also, are you dipping into the dip bit or are you spooning onto your own little plate? That's often an argument.

• 25:59Speaker 00

  May I say, you've got a spoon.

• 26:00Speaker 02

  A lot of people don't.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, those people are fucking gross.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. Kearns doesn't.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  Well, he dips straight in.

• 26:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  And he's, I bet he's biting a poppadom and then dipping in the bit, the bit side into the communal dip.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  But there's friends, we'll all have these people in our lives.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Grossos.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  You love them, but you do want to do some damage to them. When they do, they break off a, a bit.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Dip, dip, scoop. So they're doing a, they're doing a mango, they're doing a, like a, you know, whatever the yogurt ra- raiter.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then they're scooping a bit of lime.

• 26:33Speaker 00

  So they're getting one dip into the other dip into the other bit.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's awful. It's carnage.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  Awful.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Jonathan Edwards, hop, skip, jump. It's, it's a trip, it's a triple jump. It's horrible. It's horrible to watch.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Called hop, skip, jump, man.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  Hop, skip and jump. Olympic, Olympic gold medal hop, skip and jumper, thank you. Son of a day, it was a hop, skip, jump.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Why am I being pickled? Please commentate in LA, the next Olympics. It's the hop, skip, jump.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  Do you remember watching that when you were a kid, when he broke the record?

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do, yeah.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Insane, insane television. Were you dipping it, I was dipping it at the same time.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. No one would care about that now.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  But at the time, the world stood still.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? But I think people would care about that.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Not, not in the same way, but.

• 27:16Speaker 00

  If there was a, if there was a British man who broke the hop, skip, jump record.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  Everyone would, the world, the world would stand still.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like later on, people would start chatting about it. Like at the time.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  It would go viral.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  It was all that was going on in the world.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  That was it.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Was Edwards had done it and.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 02

  He'd done it because he prayed to Jesus and stuff, I think. I, I remember my childhood being quite Linford Christie based. Yeah. It was quite, it was just a very, it was a very famous part of our childhood.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  He was, he was absolutely huge.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  Donald.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  People say. What a great era.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  But Linford, I remember, was about his running, but then a lot of it was about his package.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  Really?

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  I don't remember that.

• 27:53Speaker 00

  Linford's Lunchbox.

• 27:54Speaker 02

  That's it, Lunchbox, yeah.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  What?

• 27:56Speaker 02

  That's what you could have called this podcast.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, we should have called it that. We could do it as a spin off, get Linford Christie to host it.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  Call it Linford's Lunchbox and just be like, what was in your packed lunch at school?

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Dream, dream packed lunch?

• 28:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  That'd be good.

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Linford's Lunchbox.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, get Donal as a co-host.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  So it's just, you don't.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  She can be the genie.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  You don't reference the, the.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Never, never, ever reference that.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Not at the end, you'd be like, thank you, Linford, also have big scock. Yeah. Never.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  That can never come up.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:23Speaker 00

  What an era.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Amazing era for athletics.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Why are we talking about athletics?

• 28:28Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Why are we talking about athletics?

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Uh, hop, skip, jump with the dips, with the poppadom dips.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Yes, because quite naturally, what you're talking about with the dips reminded me of the hop, skip and jump, John F. Edwards.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  What's your go to, what's your go to dips? What are your favourites? Rank them for me, Greg.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Hmm. Well, I, I do think you need them all.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  I think they all serve a really important purpose and you can't have one without the other, really.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Do it like the top ten.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  For the Limes, well, chart show.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, he wants to do it like.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  I have done the chart show before.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Um, I actually hated doing the chart show, so it lasted about a year.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  You used to call it the fart show, you hated it so much.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're damn right I did. Yeah, that, that showed then.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  The official farts company.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  Saying number one was Mango Chutney, didn't you? Ruined the whole thing.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Now, there was a moment when I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore, when Ed Sheeran managed to hack the chart, because they changed the rules or something, so that the nine out of the top 10 were just songs from his album.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  And we just had this meeting with, and we're like, this, this doesn't work as a, as a chart anymore. This is just like, someone's hacked it.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  It's gonna be a number one.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  And then from that, they changed the, anyways, too boring.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  No, that's not boring. I, I'm glad you're calling him out. We've had him on this podcast and.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  I'm not calling him out. I'm not, I'm not James Acaster calling out Taylor Swift.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Sounds like you are. Sounds like to me, like you're calling out Ed Sheeran.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Well, we did, we actually did a helpline during that chart show, which is maybe why the bosses said, maybe move off. You don't, your heart's not in this anymore. But we got a helpline for people saying, it's too many Ed Sheeran songs. And actually, it's making people feel quite sad.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  And the chart show is supposed to be uplifting, you know, there's a natural, there's a natural conclusion to it.

• 29:57Speaker 01

  And it used to be exciting to find out who was number one.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's basically, we just reordered his album.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  Just in chart form.

• 30:04Speaker 01

  And everyone's favourite Ed Sheeran song this week is this one.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  Is it because of the street, was it because of streaming numbers?

• 30:09Speaker 02

  Streaming and they hadn't changed the rules.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  They left themselves wide open.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. And Sheeran is always going to take advantage of that.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  When he sees an opening and he sees that someone's let their guard down, he's straight in there.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Sorry, I just saw this the other day about Ed Sheeran. Hasn't he, he said he's going to record an album that could only be released after he's dead. Yes, he has done a posthumous, yeah. Yeah.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  I hope it's like, like it gets released, it's just him going, I'm playing with my winkle, my little tinkle doo. Playing with my winkle, truly, truly loving, yes I do. And it's just a cappella and him singing. It's clearly, he's in the bath.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  It's into his phone.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  It's his phone.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  And he's stated, my dying wish is that this is played as the coffin's coming down.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it gets released and he hacks the charts again.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  Still number one.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  He's number one everywhere.

• 30:59Speaker 02

  I'm back on the chart show, that's in the will.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's one song.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  In at number two is him going, ooh, I'm dead.

• 31:06Speaker 01

  I'm a dead guy and I'm playing with my winkle and I'm looking at the animals in the zoo.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Every song he's playing with his winkle.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Is, is he at, is he at the zoo in that one? In that one, he's at the zoo and he's dead and he's haunted the zoo, but he's playing with his winkle.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. But is it all recorded at London Zoo?

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, track, he, he's basically, he's just gone around with his phone.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:28Speaker 01

  And wherever he is, he's improvising songs, but he keeps on.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  He's not good at improv, he's mainly, he always comes back to his winkle.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  He keeps on getting trapped in that. So, yeah, I'll just be like, um, in the lift, I'm going to the top floor, but I'm now going to play with my winkle.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  It's good, but he's regressing with that. My nephew's three.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  And he announces when he thinks it's penis time.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you have to be really careful around that because you don't want to shame.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  And he's like, is it penis time now? And you go, oh.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  What did he mean by that?

• 32:04Speaker 02

  Like, he just sort of pulls on it.

• 32:05Speaker 00

  Right.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  Whenever I think of you, I think of your penis.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  I think of you naked because you wrote a very lovely article about your partner.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  And during it, you said, just for some levity, you said, sometimes, just to cheer them up, you helicopter your penis around.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  When you're naked in the bedroom.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  And it's just a visual that really stuck in my head.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  I'm sorry about that.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  And every time, today, I've probably thought about it in your presence 10 times since I saw you.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  I'm so sorry.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  And now I will.

• 32:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Thanks for reading the piece, though.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's lovely.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  And thinking about the piece.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  Very nicely written. That's my main takeaway from it, if I'm honest.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  Yes, the fun.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  But it was a lovely, really well-written.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, was it when Bella was feeling really sad?

• 32:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it is funny, though.

• 32:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  I mean, like, my nephew knows that that's sort of funny.

• 32:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Like, he's sort of twanging it.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, it's funny to twang it.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. But nice of him to check that it is penis time.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  Is it penis time? Yes, it is penis time. In fact, we were leaving the house recently to go out to the playground and he went, "Okay, great, I'm gonna go and get my penis." And so he's like, he's learnt this thing. He's like, "I'm gonna go and get it."

• 33:17Speaker 00

  "I'm gonna go and get my penis."

• 33:18Speaker 02

  So maybe you never really grow out of that as a boy. But yeah, thanks for that.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  Have you ever told him it's not penis time?

• 33:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Well, his mum is very, like, yeah, very on that.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  Does she have it in her head of when it is penis time and when it isn't? In terms of times of the day, or is it mainly to do with setting?

• 33:33Speaker 02

  It's not an alarm that goes off.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  I'm assuming if he's asking that regularly, at least nine times out of 10, it's not penis time.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Penis time was the rejected title for Lynther's Lunchbug.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  I feel, yeah, I feel like it, it should, it's, it's not penis time more than it is penis time. That's the general rule of life, I think.

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  And the earlier the people with penises learn that, the better.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  I know we didn't make the dip, there's no time now, we've got, we've got to.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  Oh, okay, all right, uh, just quickly, for, in a, for this week, writer.

• 34:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  At number three is probably the, the oniony bit, the mixed onion. At number two is probably mango.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 02

  But two and three can be in exchange, and number one, it's lime pickle.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  Lovely, lovely.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  I love that. I'll, I'll cosign that top four.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  You like that?

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  I, I say that's mine as well.

• 34:21Speaker 00

  I put chutney at the bottom and I put onion second.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Chutney at the bottom?

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Lime pickle first for me.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Onion second is mad, you absolute grandad.

• 34:27Speaker 00

  I love, I love.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Getting the old folks home and eat your onion.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  Onion second.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  The onion with the, with the writer and a bit of lime pickle on it together. Beautiful, you get the crunch of the onion, the tang.

• 34:38Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, I, I, correct me if I'm wrong, Greg, but I, I, I don't believe when you did the chart show, you could combine three of the singles.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  No, that's true.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  And put that as number one.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  No, that's true.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Well, maybe it's a feature, maybe it's, it's writer feat DJ Onion.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that's, that is it. That is that way of doing it. You're right.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  And at number one, it's writer featuring DJ Onion.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Dream starter.

• 35:02Speaker 02

  My dream starter, I've sort of, I think I might have hacked it a little bit here.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 35:06Speaker 02

  Cause it is bread based and it's not gonna make any sense in terms of the overall meal.

• 35:10Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  But the genie will grant me whatever I want.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  And doesn't judge.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:16Speaker 01

  Well, I've been known to.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Hmm, yeah, we know.

• 35:18Speaker 00

  Taylor Swift.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, sorry.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  It's marmite cheese on a crump, on a crumpet.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm in heaven right now.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  And I just, and I've thought about it and you can be really, you can be really lofty with this sort of stuff. And I've heard people on this podcast do really intricate, smart stuff. But actually, when, when push comes to shove, I think my favourite food might be marmite.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  And so it would be mad not to put it on my dream menu in my dream restaurant.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  So, and I think a crumpet is sort of underrated as a, as a.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  I agree. Like every time I have a crumpet, I think, why am I not eating this three times a day?

• 35:52Speaker 02

  I think that's what, I think, but I think bread, I think big bread. Bread, the big bread corporation relies on that attitude.

• 35:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  It does, because the crumpets, they're going, guys, I'm way better than bread.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  Soak up so much more stuff.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've got pores.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is like, bread doesn't really have that, you might have a hole.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  But butter tastes nicer.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  On a crumpet.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  And butter's already everyone's favourite.

• 36:15Speaker 02

  It is. I, I, life, life actually would not be worth living without butter.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  So it has to be proper salted, ideally French if it's around, like proper, heavy, great cow butter.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  Great cow.

• 36:27Speaker 02

  Great cow butter. And then it's, it's lashings of that, it's marmite on there, and then you grill the cheese.

• 36:34Speaker 00

  You're grilling the cheese?

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  See, there's something, when I'm thinking of a marmite cheese crumpet, there's something I quite like about hot crumpet, butter on melts, marmite on, and then cold cheddar. The combination of the temperature, it melts a little bit, it gets a little bit, I mean, hesitate to use the word sweaty, but I think that's what I mean.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 00

  Um, just the combination of the, and maybe would like a ch- a cheddar that's got those crunchy bits in as well.

• 37:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  You've got texture, you've got temperature.

• 37:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  But grilled, delicious.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  I don't, I wanna say yes and, but it's actually no thanks.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  You don't want it, you don't want it, that's fine.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  It's, it's, it has to be grilled and melted in.

• 37:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  And actually to the point where you burnt it just enough, that the marmite starts to harden.

• 37:18Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:18Speaker 02

  That's the real, that's the real bit.

• 37:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I could just, if I could eat that every day, I, I would, but I'd be, I'd die.

• 37:25Speaker 01

  How thick or thin is this marmite?

• 37:27Speaker 02

  Oh, it's thin. It's, it's thick, sorry.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  It's thick?

• 37:30Speaker 02

  I don't know why it's so thin, I panicked.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  It's thick.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  You went with the complete opposite of what you meant.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, in opposite world, it's thin.

• 37:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  But in this world, are we in opposite world or real world?

• 37:38Speaker 00

  Real world now, yeah.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Real world now.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  It's thick then.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  Opposite world, it's thin, but in real world, it's thick.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  And it is, it's oozing.

• 37:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  I don't think you can have enough marmite, I, I've, I can spoon it in.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  I, I agree with you. Do people look at you in absolute disgust when you put marmite on stuff? Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  And I also respect people that don't like it.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Uh, cause it is, it's an acquired taste.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Marmite, it's for the connoisseur. And if you don't get it, that's fine, it's just more for me.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  I want it to sort of, sort of hurt the roof of my mouth.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 38:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Definitely. You can get the Marmite sweats.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can, and I've had it. And.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  It makes you feel alive, doesn't it?

• 38:12Speaker 02

  Mm. Marmite and cheese as well, those combined, very sweaty. But really delicious. Actually, do you know what? I don't want too many people to like Marmite. Cause I converted my wife into a Marmite fan when we met. She was like, what's this disgusting stuff? And now there's never any in the house, cause she is so on it.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  So into it.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  You need a private Marmite stash.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  I don't, oh, yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  I know you said like you respect people who don't like it. I respect their right not to like it and they don't like it. I don't respect people who make a big deal out of not liking it and think it's an interesting thing for them to say.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  That annoys me, especially when they they say stuff like, I heard someone not even that long ago. I say within this calendar year, say quite loudly to their mates, like, well, the thing is with Marmite, I go, if you fucking say.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  You either love it or you hate it.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  Oh, don't.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  You just go home. Like, why have you left the house?

• 39:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  And they said it as if it was like a really original thing and everyone's, everyone's like, obviously no one responded to them around the table like it was interesting. They've all heard it a billion times. You're like, how is your personality based off of taglines?

• 39:16Speaker 02

  Also, that you can't, you shouldn't be using, I, I, I watched that film, It's a Bit Marmite, isn't it?

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  You shouldn't be using that now.

• 39:24Speaker 00

  Brilliant. Do you mean it's brilliant?

• 39:25Speaker 02

  Exactly, cause you know, one man's, one man's Marmite is another man's.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Dog shit, whatever the phrase is. That's a new one. There's a new one for you.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  People start saying that.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  One man's Marmite is another man's dog shit.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:37Speaker 02

  Huh?

• 39:37Speaker 00

  They should say that in the adverts.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:39Speaker 00

  Change love it or hate it to, to one man's Marmite is another man's dog shit.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  That would get them a lot of attention.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  All right, there you go.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  And I don't think it would put off people who like Marmite.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  And the people who don't like it, never gonna like it anyway.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Get people talking.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  Marmite's supposed to be edgy, aren't you?

• 39:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Go on, guys.

• 39:57Speaker 00

  Marmite in a bacon sandwich? Ever had it?

• 40:03Speaker 02

  Haven't had it.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  That's got.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  Should have it.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Haven't had it, but.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  I haven't been got that much on this pod for a while.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Haven't had it, but would have it. But the only reason I'm reluctant, because you can imagine tastes, can't you?

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Yep, it's the wonder of the brain.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Palette.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  But I'm imagining, for me, it might be double salt.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  It is double salt.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  But I don't know if in a good way.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  In a good way.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  With butter in there as well, with slightly toasted bread.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  Spoken like a true diabetic.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  It is phenomenal.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. So you're buttering, any other sauce?

• 40:36Speaker 00

  No, I think I've tried it. I've tried putting other.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  Putting loads of miso on there?

• 40:42Speaker 00

  And soy, soy sauce?

• 40:45Speaker 00

  No, it doesn't need any other sauce.

• 40:46Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 40:47Speaker 00

  I mean, you could, I guess you could put like a ketchup in there or a sort of sweet chutney or something that might take the edge off the salt.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  That's interesting.

• 40:53Speaker 00

  But for me, it's double salt.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Is that regularly you're having that?

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Not regularly, but if I have a bacon sandwich at home, I'll, which isn't regular, I'll pop my, my.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  That's what you do.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  For years, I had bacon and peanut butter sandwiches. I was eating those.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  Like Elvis.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Like Elvis.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  I'm just imagining the flavour.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:11Speaker 02

  I think that works.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Would this be a good new segment for your radio show?

• 41:15Speaker 02

  Imagine the flavour.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  And people phone in.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  Just tell you something they've eaten and then you go, I'm just imagining the flavour.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  Okay. Hello, line one, who've we got?

• 41:23Speaker 01

  Hello, my, my, oh, my name's Keith. Uh, huh?

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Hey Keith.

• 41:28Speaker 00

  That's when you do your characters.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  Hey, my name's Keith.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Hey Keith, what are you up to today?

• 41:31Speaker 01

  I'm from Bristol.

• 41:33Speaker 02

  What do you do for a living, Keith?

• 41:34Speaker 01

  Uh, I'm a, I'm a brookie.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  And what are you having for your, what's in your lunchbox? Not that one.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, no, be careful, Greg, you don't want to get taken off of here. Uh, uh, in my lunchbox today, Greg, is.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  Where's he from?

• 41:47Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 41:48Speaker 02

  Where's he from?

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Bristol. Is, uh, in my.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  Originally Bristol.

• 41:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Originally, born and bred. Uh, Greg, in my lunchbox today is Doritos and burger sauce.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Let me just check the flavour on that one.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  Imagine it, please.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  I'm imagining it now. Keith? I don't think that works. Next.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Oh, good day to you. All the best for the future.

• 42:11Speaker 00

  I think it works.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  It was a good, yeah, a good new feature.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  I have done worse.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  Definitely worse features.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Hey Greg, all the best for the feature.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  Thanks, Ed.

• 42:20Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 42:20Speaker 02

  That's really nice.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  Woo.

• 42:29Speaker 01

  Dream main course Greg?

• 42:31Speaker 02

  My dream main course is...

• 42:33Speaker 01

  For the listener, every time Greg has to choose something, he closes his eyes fully.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  I hate it.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  And you squeeze them shut.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  When it's... Every time you've got to name your next course, anything, you go completely eye shut.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  It's because it's sort of top of the roller coaster.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:48Speaker 02

  And then you're down and you can't take it back.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. And it's out there. There's so many options, but I've gone for fettuccine Alfredo.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  It is lovely, but it is quite basic. I realise that.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  That is one of the dishes I hear about a lot, but I don't actually know what it is.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Well, it's very... It's nothing. It's like, it's just, it's cheese and pasta.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  I think it's what, uh, correct me if I'm wrong, Michael Scott eats before the fun run.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Right, right. That's what I've heard.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  It's been made famous by sort of American stuff. It's quite an American Italian dish.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. But I went, me and Bella, my wife, went to Rome for my birthday last year and we stumbled across...

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Happy birthday Greg.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Well, that was ages ago, but thanks.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Less than a year ago.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  Closer to the next one, so...

• 43:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Can I use that for them?

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. Generally, happy birthday. Well, for the next one, for that one.

• 43:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  What are you doing for this next one?

• 43:40Speaker 02

  Well, I want to go back to Rome.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  Mainly for this bowl of pasta.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  So it changed my life and I don't stop thinking about it, which is why it has to be in the dream restaurant. And it's the restaurant, it's called Alfredo's and we stumbled across it and we just looked at it and went, oh, it looks kind of, oh, it looks quite weird. We'd sort of read something about it as an option and like, oh, let's go there tonight. And we went in and this huge sort of canteen style Italian, it just looked like, for me, I love The Sopranos, I love Godfather, all that sort of Italian-y, Maffyery stuff, I'm just into.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  And I all my...

• 44:12Speaker 01

  I'd imagine you in that world Greg.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  No, exactly. That's why I like it. But that's what my dream restaurant is. But the dream restaurant, Badabings, the dream restaurant for me is that I walk in and I get treated like Tony Soprano.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  And I've got a special table and I get the double kiss on the cheek.

• 44:27Speaker 01

  Is your dream restaurant in Badabings?

• 44:29Speaker 02

  Probably not in Badabings, but we go there after.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  I think we go there after.

• 44:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Bella goes home and then I go to Badabings afterwards.

• 44:37Speaker 01

  You've been at Shear and he's recorded something in the corner.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  I'm in Badabings.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  Oh, here comes security. Fellas, let me...

• 44:50Speaker 03

  I'm in the hallway, laying on a pile of rubbish. Oh, an idea just popped into my head. I'm playing with my wick, sitting on the rubbish, looking around. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You wore me once, I know.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  It's Craig's birthday, it's Craig's birthday, he's asked me to turn up.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  Sorry, sorry, Craig, you went to Alfredo's.

• 45:14Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, so Alfredo's is that sort of place, on, on the wall, there are loads of famous people, but like, top end famous people, Sophia Loren, Marilyn Monroe, you've got proper old, all the crooners, you've got ex-presidents. And they've been there? All been there, and they all have been there. But this place has been going since, like, an iteration of it has been going since the late eighteen hundreds. Originally Alfredo was the guy, and it was passed on to his son and then his son. So now it's like the third or fourth iteration, it's been there since the fifties, since post-war. And it's been, like, it's an institution, and that is where they invented, he invented fettuccine Alfredo. That's mad. It's not the most, it's not the most adventurous dish, but it's sort of become legendary in popular culture, I guess.

• 45:56Speaker 02

  And I was having the actual one in the place, and I was sort of, I was a sucker for being, I was, I was being a tourist about it, and I loved it. And they came over and said, do you want it with gold leaf? I went, yeah. You did it. I did it, it's extra ten euro. It was, I was fleeced. And add to nothing. Not really, but they come over and they do, they, like, they assemble it in front of you. They bring out, it's like a chariot of, of fettuccine Alfredo, and they mix in the butter in front of your eyes. Uh huh. So it's already got butter, cream, uh, pecorino, parmesan, and they put another load of butter in it. And they toss it in front of your eyes, and you're just like, this is. So that's all it is, just like, it's cream and cheese, basically, and butter, and, yeah.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  But it's, but it's unbelievable, and a cheese-based life is a great life. Correct. And that's, that's how I like to live it. Yeah. And there's a guy playing the piano in the background, just sort of doing covers. It was really nice, it was Christmas time, people started getting up and doing Christmas songs, I went up and did a song, because I had a bottle of wine. You went and did a song? Yeah, Bella sort of said, go and do a song, I know you want to. I went, no, I don't want to, and I immediately got up and did White Christmas. Wow, White Christmas. It was best. That goes with the pasta, White Christmas, goes with the pasta. It does. I was so. So like heavy.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  When I was seeing it, it was like burping through White Christmas, but.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  Imagine you got like a undone bow tie on.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I've always bring one.

• 47:16Speaker 00

  But everyone clapped and said it was the best thing ever because you're the boss, you're the mafia boss.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  They did actually clap though.

• 47:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 02

  And the waiters came over.

• 47:23Speaker 00

  No, no, no, I know we're having a laugh, but they did actually clap.

• 47:25Speaker 02

  No, I'm not having a laugh. They clapped.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, they did, they did clap.

• 47:32Speaker 02

  They clap, they're still clapping. They're probably still talking about that, that guy that came in.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  Sounds delicious. Did Bella have the same thing?

• 47:38Speaker 02

  She did, yeah, but she didn't go for the gold leaf.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  All right.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  Cause she's weak.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  But yeah, it was just, it's one of those dishes that I just, I think about all the time, just when I'm feeling.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  Sad.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  But also like you're saying being a tourist about it, but really as a tourist, you do sometimes know when you've been done.

• 47:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  And, and you've been, you've fallen into a tourist trick. And if you genuinely think about this dish all the time, it must have been.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Pretty amazing.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  To the point where I want to go back just for that.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  And Bella's like, you can't go back just for the dish. I went, well.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  There's other stuff in Rome, but it's nice to have something guaranteed that you know you're gonna love.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  There's other stuff, but I think this is the best bit about it.

• 48:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. Spanish Steps, Colosseum, nah, Betis, Gino Alfredo. Thank you.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  Main thing I learned in Rome was what arena means, was it?

• 48:22Speaker 02

  And it means.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Sands, sand, sands.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  Sands.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Cause when they go to the Colosseum.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  Sands, sands, sands.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Sands, sands, sands, the sands.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Or the sands.

• 48:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, la, sands.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  Are you saying?

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Sands.

• 48:35Speaker 02

  What word do you say?

• 48:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  Like sand on the beach.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  Oh, sand, okay.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  Plural, sands.

• 48:41Speaker 00

  I don't think that, I think sand, I think sand is the plural of sand.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they would say sands, the sands, we're going to the sands.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  Why do you keep saying?

• 48:49Speaker 01

  When they were going to the Colosseum, because the floor of it was sand. So they would say, we're going to the sands.

• 48:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  And then that was.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Avid ass.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  I hate Rome now.

• 49:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, I also don't think you learned this.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  I did on the guided tour.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  You don't seem sure that you've learned something.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, on the guided tour, they said it. And then last week I was in Valencia and there was a hotel nearby called Las Arenas or whatever. And I was like, that means the sands.

• 49:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  So I retained that.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  And you were with your partner and she went, yeah, I know, I was there as well.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was. It was weird telling her that. And she was like.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  I actually am going to definitely go back to Rome just to do this and have the Alfredo.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Go to the guided tour again. And when they're about to say that fact, just shout it over them.

• 49:35Speaker 00

  The sands.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  I mean, it's the sands.

• 49:38Speaker 01

  It makes the sands crazy though, the Colosseum. What a life.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  It is, but it's, we went, we actually went there this time, this year. I've been to Rome a couple of times, but we hadn't done that bit. And I thought, well, I've done the, I've done the pasta. Yeah, let's go and do the other basic thing.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 02

  And what I found amazing was the smoking area at the Colosseum. It's outdoor.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  I remember this.

• 49:57Speaker 02

  There's like a little, there's a sad little smoking bit.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  Down the bottom bit of the Colosseum, but famously no roof.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  And like, why are you, why are you putting everyone, it just feels pathetic. And it's sort of in a, what probably was like a jail bit or a gale.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  And where they used to keep the tigers and stuff.

• 50:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, but now they keep the smokers there.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  And so they're all just sitting there, but sort of behind bars almost.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  And you've got to watch everyone else just going around the top bit.

• 50:23Speaker 00

  Then they release one every now and again to kill a Christian.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  Oh, you've been?

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:37Speaker 02

  I've got another bit of my main. Am I allowed?

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can hear it.

• 50:41Speaker 00

  Also, I wouldn't mind hearing some of these, the honorable munchions, the things that you potentially were going to pick. Cause you were, you were struggling to pick the main.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Well, that's why I've gone for.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  You're trying to hack it.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  I'm trying to hack it.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's hear it.

• 50:55Speaker 02

  Okay, my side, but also part of my main. You decide, Genie. I've got two things that I really want on the menu.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  And I don't know where they go.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  First one is pizza for the table.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  Look, you are absolutely preaching to the converted here because James loves for the table.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  I love for the table.

• 51:11Speaker 00

  This is Mr. For the Table. If he was in Chuckle Brothers, that would be his name.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  Hello, Mr. For the Table.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  I'll be glad to be called that.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  Are you doing pizza for the table?

• 51:20Speaker 01

  I'll let you do pizza for the table because I think that's a nice.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Is this the side though?

• 51:25Speaker 01

  I'm going to have to hear who else is at the table.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  Oh, well, it's sort of just me.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Hmm, then no.

• 51:32Speaker 02

  And you.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  Uh, me and you splitting.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  He's working.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  I'm working. I, I want there to be at least that three.

• 51:39Speaker 02

  There's people, there's fun, there's fun people. Bella's there.

• 51:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, just before you forget.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, but yeah, Bella's there.

• 51:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  I've just got good, good mates, fun time.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  Kearns?

• 51:48Speaker 02

  Kearns is there.

• 51:49Speaker 01

  Cahill?

• 51:50Speaker 02

  Cahill's there.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 51:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:52Speaker 01

  I'll accept it.

• 51:53Speaker 02

  Fun people are there.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  Bella, Kearns and Cahill.

• 51:55Speaker 02

  It's fun people.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  I'll accept that.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  It's like John's eating, what did he order at the Pat's Stag? Heart and lungs.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's still vomiting about it now.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I'll go for the offal, bro. Heart and lungs.

• 52:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, so they're all there. How about that?

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah.

• 52:10Speaker 02

  Piece of the table.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  What's on the pizza?

• 52:12Speaker 02

  Well, I'm having a bit of a moment with, um, this, this might also be quite basic and I, cause you're quite forward thinking with the, you know, you've tried it all, him and you, you too. But the, you have, you've been there, you've been round the block. It, it's pepperoni, but with, with, with honey.

• 52:28Speaker 00

  The hot honey.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  Hot honey.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  I've not tried this. Sounds, sounds lovely.

• 52:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's hot, uh, yeah, the thing, it's really great.

• 52:34Speaker 00

  I'm sort of against it in principle and then whenever I have it, I'm like, it does work actually.

• 52:38Speaker 01

  But I think spicy honey, like.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, like chili.

• 52:40Speaker 02

  Hot chili honey with pepper, with pepperoni and just really gooey sort of, ideally it's buffalo mozzarella, king of mozzarellas, I guess. But actually a classic pizza for the table might just be a margarita with, with basil and buffalo mozzarella as a sort of palate cleanser.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  So your main thing here is just that you want pizza for the table, not that there's a specific pizza you wanna get in your, on your dream menu.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  When you're, when you're younger, you are, you are sort of, you're taught that it's either pasta or pizza. But that's bollocks.

• 53:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  When you're grown up, you can kind of do anything you like.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:12Speaker 02

  And I'm having Alfredo and I'm having a pizza.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think, cause they go together, it feels like that's a main, right?

• 53:18Speaker 02

  Mm, yeah.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, especially if one of them's for the table.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  And the pizza is sort of, um, the one that the teenage mutant hero turtles might have had.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 53:26Speaker 02

  You know, like big, that big floppy kind of lovely Americany pizza.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Gooey and it's like, bit, bit dri, like dripping off the end, you gotta get it in the mouth quickly, otherwise it'll flop down.

• 53:34Speaker 02

  I guess that's like formative pizza memories, like that and Home Alone, I guess.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:38Speaker 02

  Which is like delicious cheese pizza just for me. That sort of thing, that, that pizza, so it's that.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  But not the pizza at the beginning of Home Alone that Buzz crams into his mouth, which is, which is a cheese pizza against it's Kevin's pizza.

• 53:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  But the way that Buzz puts it all is, it's one of the most, and then Buzz gets hit and spews it all up.

• 53:56Speaker 02

  Oh, I hate Buzz. Yeah. I know you're supposed to, but I really hated him. I struggle with him because apparently I look like him. You used to. Fuck, you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:04Speaker 01

  Do you want pizza for the table?

• 54:06Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  I believe there was another hack coming up.

• 54:08Speaker 02

  Well, it was, it was a, yes, because I've closed my eyes again because I'm worried about this. Because this is, this is it. This is like definitive. I can't go back on this. But I also want a secret steak. And a secret steak is a steak that I have away from my wife, who is, I'm sort of, I'm sort of vegetarian by marriage.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 54:27Speaker 02

  You've married into vegetarianism. I have married into vegetarianism. And I like the vast majority of it. Yeah. Actually, the truth is I do chicken and fish, but red meat, I don't really do. Yeah. But I do go and have secret steak. Bella's not going to listen to this, by the way.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Really?

• 54:43Speaker 02

  I'm safe.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  Nah. What? It's a good podcast.

• 54:45Speaker 02

  It's a great podcast, but she's not, I don't, you know, she's not going to listen to me. She's going to listen to your book, your book promo. No, no, exactly. I've even forgotten about that book.

• 54:54Speaker 01

  Do you listen to her book promo?

• 54:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, well, there you go. But she's not like that. She's actually, you know, she's cool.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  She is really cool, actually.

• 55:02Speaker 02

  She is cool, yeah. But she's also vegetarian, which has its problems for me because I do like, every now and then I do like a steak. So I'll go out for a secret steak with my cousin. I like this with your cousin. You're gonna love that. Yeah. Yeah. I love this with your cousin. Yeah. So we're going, in fact, we've booked one in for a couple of weeks. Where do you go for your secret steak? Well, we like Hawksmore. Yeah. We do like Hawksmore. We do, we do. We like Hawksmore, actually. Yes. What's your cousin's name? Yeah, me and Derek like Hawksmore. My cousin's called Guy. Does he call you cousin Greg? Uh, yeah. Well, I am his cousin Greg. And actually, Succession was a fucking nightmare for Greg's. Succession is an absolute, because all the dickheads are Greg's in every show. Yeah. Joe Lysit, in Joe Lysit's last, uh, stand-up tour. Yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  The estate agent character, which sets the whole premise up. Yeah. It's called Greg. Yeah. And I had to interview him for it, with this thing for his, um, DVD thing. And the first question was, well, fuck, you could have chosen any other dickhead name. And he chose Greg. Yeah. But it is a, it's a, it's a bad name. It's a good punchline name.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  Well, when I think about it, it doesn't suit you.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  Great. I take that. I don't want to be it. It's crazy that you're called Greg. It is stupid.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  As I'm thinking about it now.

• 56:13Speaker 02

  Why am I?

• 56:14Speaker 01

  I think I look at you and I just think James, which is your surname.

• 56:17Speaker 00

  James would work.

• 56:18Speaker 01

  I think if you were called James Greg, so I'd be like, okay.

• 56:20Speaker 02

  It was a James Greg, works for Five Live.

• 56:22Speaker 00

  That must get confusing. Do you ever get emails, all meant for each other?

• 56:25Speaker 02

  Uh, I don't read the emails, but um, he is sort of my, he's sort of like the evil, my evil twin, I guess. Yeah, maybe I'm the evil twin, I don't know.

• 56:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's like dark timeline Greg James.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  Nice man though. Well, he appears to be a nice man. But yeah, so I'm cousin Greg. And I go out with cousin Guy for a secret steak. But what I do like is that Italian, you know, the thinly sliced one with, you put rosemary and salt on it. Is it like a tagliata?

• 56:54Speaker 00

  Tagliata, yeah.

• 56:55Speaker 02

  I like that one. So that would be good. So it would be a secret steak. Maybe I have to go out, out the back to eat it, if that was there.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I'll stash it somewhere in the restaurant for you. So you can go and get it.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:07Speaker 01

  Have little pieces.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  Just behind the plant pot.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Just going for a walk around, actually, I'm just gonna.

• 57:11Speaker 02

  Stretch the face.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  Help yourself to the table, pizza, and I'm gonna, I'll be back in a sec. Over by the plant pot.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, like Mrs. Doubtfire. You're like running between tables.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. That's me.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  Have you ever had Fiorentina steak?

• 57:25Speaker 02

  What's on that?

• 57:26Speaker 00

  So it's like, I think it's often like a T-bone, but they basically like really scorch the outside. They really go for it and it's quite rare in the middle. And that's a, that's a lovely steak.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  That's, that sounds nice.

• 57:38Speaker 00

  There's a restaurant in Chelsea called La Familia, which has like been there for decades, which is a good vibe if you.

• 57:42Speaker 02

  Do they greet you with two kisses? That sort of place.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  They could do. I'd imagine if you, if you lent in, they'd oblige.

• 57:49Speaker 01

  No, I want them, send Guy in first, see what happens.

• 57:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. I want them, I think the dream is that I want them to, I want people to fear me, because they don't.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:57Speaker 02

  But like in the dream restaurant, they, they look at me with fear and they're like, respect, but they know that I could and have killed.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  And you could destroy their business.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be completely honest with you and I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 58:10Speaker 01

  There's been many, many times, we have done over 300 episodes of this podcast, where guests have said, and I want to utilise the genius magic by doing this. And I've always been like, yeah, of course I'm a genius, I can do that. That is the first one, you being feared by people, that I, I've thought, I don't think that's possible. I don't think I'm gonna be able to make this happen.

• 58:31Speaker 00

  And remember, he said, don't take this the wrong way. So you're not allowed to.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. So like, I don't think, even using my genie powers, I can make a situation where you walk into the restaurant and the guests fear you enough that they want to suck up to you and be nice to you.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  And the proprietor.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, the proprietor. I can't, even with magic, I don't know how I'm meant to do that for you.

• 58:53Speaker 00

  Okay, how about this? How about you've, within the dream restaurant world, you've started a new feature on the show, on your radio show, where you absolutely destroy restaurants and it becomes incredibly influential.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  And it genuinely has restaurants shut down.

• 59:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Which you could do in real life.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, you're giving me fire in my belly for this.

• 59:09Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 59:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 00

  You got fire in your belly?

• 59:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. Cause I, I would say you're a useless fucking genie. That's what I would say. Do you fear me now?

• 59:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  No, I mean, the cameras were filming us. I was delighted that you said that.

• 59:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. No one's ever said that before.

• 59:23Speaker 01

  I was like, yes.

• 59:24Speaker 00

  Well.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  He did it. He said, he said, useless fucking genie. He wouldn't even criticize Taylor Swift for crying earlier. Now I've got him.

• 59:30Speaker 00

  You're worse.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  He's cracked. I am worse.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Greg might have to interview Taylor Swift. He can't be agreeing with you.

• 59:35Speaker 01

  Certainly. Yeah.

• 59:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, almost certainly. For the record, I hope this goes on the record.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:41Speaker 00

  I think she's great.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  He's recording, but he's just, he's recording.

• 59:44Speaker 01

  So I know it's like. You also didn't improvise any Ed Sheeran songs earlier either. You just let us do that.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  No, I didn't either. It was you talking about Ed Sheeran's Winkle for five minutes straight.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  I don't think I mentioned his Winkle at any point.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  Your dream drink.

• 1:00:05Speaker 00

  My dream drink. It's just a big bottle of red wine. Yeah, it has to be with this meal, I think.

• 1:00:10Speaker 01

  Washing it all down. Just make, until I'm sick.

• 1:00:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  It's Barolo. It's your Brunellos. It's your Barolos.

• 1:00:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  It's your Monteporciarnos.

• 1:00:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  It's your big, big, beefy Italians.

• 1:00:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  That's it. Do you have a specific, a specific one that you liked? Or do you remember the best bottle of wine you've had?

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's like, just a, whatever the most, if you're being fancy, the most expensive Brunello you can find in a shop is always just unbelievable.

• 1:00:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:40Speaker 01

  And just like, this is, I have to drink this every day now. This is my stuff. But you, you can't.

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  And then you wake up the next morning and go, I can't have a drink now.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  It's way too heavy. Yeah. I wish so hard that I liked wine.

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  Hmm. You like wine a bit.

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  I like it a bit, but not enough to talk about it as regularly as we do on this shit.

• 1:00:56Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  I should have picked something else. Every time it comes up, you know, you've got to pick your favourite. Yeah. And I'm glad that you did. As soon as you said it, I thought, oh, fuck this. Must leave. You're having secret steak. Secret steak, pasta, pizza for the table, those tomatoes and the cheese and everything. It all just goes, it goes really well, but also really badly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're going to be really feeling that tomorrow. Yeah. It's real Gaviscon territory. Yeah, it really is, yeah. So almost like have it before dinner and then one after. Gaviscon? Yeah. Yeah. Swig before. Yeah. Tablet halfway through, swig at the end.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  Secret one in the room? Do you want me to put a secret one somewhere?

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  Secret Gaviscon.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  So Bella doesn't see?

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  Out the back.

• 1:01:39Speaker 01

  Bella can't know about it.

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  You've married into a non-Gaviscon marriage, haven't you? Yeah. No, definitely not. She's big Gaviscon energy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, she is. I think the big, big difference between your twenties and thirties is there's a lot more Gaviscon in the house. It's kind of the main. Yeah, we were a Rennie's household. You're a Rennie's guy? Yeah, yeah. Hmm. I'm very rarely a Rennie's guy, but my wife is a big Rennie's guy. Yeah, Bella's more Rennie than Gaviscon. Yeah. Yeah, she's more Rennie, actually, I've come to think of it. I'm more Gaviscon, max strength.

• 1:02:06Speaker 01

  We're neither, but uh, great levels of discomfort all the time.

• 1:02:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean.

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  Don't know why.

• 1:02:14Speaker 02

  I don't want to paint with broad brushstrokes, but white ladies' stomachs be popping. You know, there's a lot going on there. Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Fair to say, maybe that's why Taylor Swift cries every night.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 1:02:29Speaker 02

  Is there no wine that you're into really? Like, what's the, it's got to be something.

• 1:02:33Speaker 01

  Well, this is the worst thing, through doing this podcast and being friends with Ed, every now and again, being treated to a really nice fancy wine.

• 1:02:41Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:02:41Speaker 01

  And yeah, yeah, I have one of those and go, oh, this is incredible.

• 1:02:44Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  And then I'd just go, oh, the only wine I like is extortionate, like absolutely mad, expensive wine. That is literally the best that absolutely everyone who drank it would love it.

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  Because it's that good. And anything else, I'm like, this is going to be a trudge to get through this. And I have the first sip and go, no. Oh no.

• 1:03:05Speaker 02

  So you've just got really expensive tastes, basically.

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Got to get through all of this wine and I wish I'd just ordered a juice or something. I wish I'd just said I'd got any apple juice or something like that.

• 1:03:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  This is gonna be difficult.

• 1:03:16Speaker 02

  What about, well surely there's like a, there must be like an or, like an orange wine? Have you tried there?

• 1:03:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, orange wines, if, if, if there is an orange wine on the menu, if all they've got is wine.

• 1:03:25Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  Cause sometimes that's when they go, here's the wine list and I, I go, right, I'm gonna find the cocktail page.

• 1:03:29Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  I'm like, well, that's not in here. Jesus Christ, please, no. Please don't say it's just wine. And they're like, yeah, and then I'm immediately looking for the orange wine.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  Alright.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  And just trying to find orange wines. If that's not on there, then I'm really, the other night, I went to a, and it was, that was the scenario. And it looked like, it read as it was an orange wine, but whatever it was called, probably had the word orange in it. I was like, I'll have that. And they were like, okay, um, okay, they were a bit confused and they brought it back and they were like, there you go. I took a sip. I was like, is that? Is that sherry? If I just ordered, and they're like, yep, you've got a massive glass of sherry. And that was very difficult for me all night.

• 1:04:06Speaker 02

  To be fair, a lot of natural wines and orange wines sometimes take on some of the taste properties of sherry, I think.

• 1:04:11Speaker 01

  Well, this was massive.

• 1:04:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:13Speaker 01

  It was like a massive glass of sherry and I had to tap out and say to them, I'm so sorry, but I'm not.

• 1:04:17Speaker 02

  I love sherry.

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  There's no way I can finish this sherry. It's humongous.

• 1:04:20Speaker 02

  A sherry.

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  I could do a little sherry.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  A sherry, I've not really, it's just very my nan and it was very like.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  But sherry's cool now.

• 1:04:27Speaker 02

  But is it cool?

• 1:04:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, sherry's cool now.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  Well, my nan was cool.

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  I mean, she was sort of, she was a mad little Welsh lady.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  Just, I just, the only drink she had.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:04:35Speaker 02

  I mean, if she did off menu, which would be insane, cause she's dead and would never have wanted to do it anyway. But if she done.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  Well, she doesn't know what a podcast is, they, they can't.

• 1:04:44Speaker 01

  She wanted to do it.

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  Why don't you just say, why don't you just say it would be mad, yeah. She's dead, so that would be mad. And also, it's mad because we wouldn't just have someone's nan on, right? Those are the two mad things. It doesn't have to be that she wouldn't have done it.

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  She'd turn us down.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  How many people's nans have you had on?

• 1:04:56Speaker 01

  How many nans? We must have had someone's down.

• 1:04:58Speaker 02

  Oh, as many as we've asked, I'd say.

• 1:04:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:00Speaker 02

  I mean, if you asked.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  Zero. Right. We wouldn't have asked your fucking nan, is what we're saying to you. You're making out like she would turn us down.

• 1:05:08Speaker 02

  She would, she wouldn't do it anyway. Her whole menu would be sherry. We would ask. I didn't really see her eat food. Yeah, yeah. And or drink anything else. It was just sherry. Yeah. She would just drink little, just a little glass of sherry, but she'd be like, I'll just have a little one. But it was like fifteen little ones. Yeah, yeah. So it was the end of the, and it would always be, is it Bristol cream? Is that what it's like? Yeah. So when nan was coming over, it'd be like, oh, my mum would say something like, go out and you'd better go and get some Bristol cream for nan. That's just, I was like, maybe I should get into sherry. Runs in the family maybe.

• 1:05:37Speaker 01

  That's what she'd have had in the lunchbox earlier. The guy from Bristol. She'd have had some cream in there.

• 1:05:41Speaker 02

  Cr- just cream?

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  Just cream.

• 1:05:44Speaker 02

  What are you having for lunch, Keith?

• 1:05:45Speaker 01

  Just some cream.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  My lunchbox is full of cream, Greg.

• 1:05:50Speaker 02

  I'd be fading Keith down.

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:52Speaker 02

  Just some cream, because I think he's about to say something disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  Boom, faded down. Just imagining that, yeah, that's very nice. Thank you. Bye, Keith.

• 1:06:00Speaker 02

  Thanks a lot. Yeah. Is that cheering?

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm pleased.

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  It's a bit, it's a bit, in particular, you remember having to fade down over the years, where you're like, that was a real close call.

• 1:06:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:14Speaker 01

  It was gonna be really bad.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  Oh, there's loads, but most of them have, most of them have gone badly. But you can, you know, like, I guess it's like a heckler. Yeah. Hopefully you can sort of style it out a bit. Yeah, but we, we can't just do that and then they go quiet. That would be amazing. But also, it's not being broadcast to quite a few people. And in the room, like the dream, the dream of the- There's quite, there's quite a few people. No, loads of people. And I'm not saying that you're very, both of you are very successful. Fucking hell, Greg. Even more so after this podcast. This particular one? This, yeah. No, no, but what I mean is, everyone in that room is sort of up for you to- It's a controlled environment. Dealing with it. Whereas you've got a lot of people who are sort of casually listening on the way to school, they, the kids are on the way to school and you've got someone who's-

• 1:06:58Speaker 02

  But when I was on the early breakfast show, this was when I first started, a couple of years before I met you. Brilliant, yeah. Well, I met you, Rice.

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  And, um- Nice to meet you.

• 1:07:09Speaker 02

  Wow. That is good. You're not fading that down.

• 1:07:13Speaker 02

  Turn that up. Turn that up, it'll go. I wanna hear more for it. Get it in the red. Nice to meet you. Ed's my favourite listener ever. It's peaking. Right, and I'd just go, where's Rice to meet you too, Ed? To meet you Rice, you'd say. Yeah. Imagine Bruce Forsyth had like workshopped it. Yeah. And then gone. One day. I'm thinking of doing a catchphrase. It's either nice to meet you or Rice to meet you. And they'd gone, probably go nice. I think Rice would be good. Rice to meet you, to meet you, Rice. Especially if he met Annika Rice. Oh, yeah. I bet he did it. I bet he must have done it. I bet he did it. Yeah. Oh, I bet he did it every time he went for a curry. Like if he went out for a curry with Tess Daly after Strictly, I bet he went Rice to meet you, meet you Rice. To meet you Rice. Yes, thank you, Bruce. Thank you, Bruce.

• 1:07:57Speaker 02

  My, my, when I got my first agent in London, he took me out for a curry. And it was quite a posh curry and they all had this really lovely white crisp, all the waiters white crisp uniform. And my agent's like regular gag, I've realised since tending people, is that he'd give the menu back and go, thank you, doctor.

• 1:08:19Speaker 02

  That was his thing. Cause it had like a doctor's coat on it. Yeah. Thank you, doctor. Love that. Thank you, doctor. Love that. I love little restaurant jokes. Bad restaurant jokes are my favourite sorts of jokes, I think. Yeah. Yeah. My dad's quite good at that. He did one. Does he do when you've cleared your plate, when the waiter comes over to take the plate, does he do, uh, he didn't like us? Oh, great. That's a good one. My dad, he, my dad always, when we go out somewhere, the rule is that he will always order what Henry VIII would have ordered. His always the biggest, the heaviest thing. Yeah. And he ordered pork belly and the waitress came over once and they went, pork belly? And I said, that's a bit rude. Yeah, yeah. It's good, it is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is good. Only just works. Love it. It does, only just works. It's great. Yeah.

• 1:09:04Speaker 02

  I mean, that's what you want. Yeah. Just works. Yeah, by a thread of sense. Anytime, like, you could do like the kind of joke, go, what did you call me? I love that. Yeah. I love what did you call me? No, I've never met her. I'm doing that at the minute quite a lot. I'm getting a lot of joy out of this and I don't know if anyone else is, but um, see Matt's new album and new song is called Euro Country. Yeah. And so on the radio, I'm going, Euro Country. Yeah. What'd you call me? Essentially. I like that. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Yeah. It's fun just to say cunt on the radio. She knows. She knows what she's doing. Absolutely, 100%. Speaking of which, that's what I was about to talk about. Hmm. At four o'clock in the morning. Yeah. We used to do a thing where we'd take calls live to air. This was in sort of 2008. A crazy decision, if I may say. It was crazy, but it was fun because it was four in the morning, loads of fun people were listening and just, we just. Yeah.

• 1:09:47Speaker 02

  Pick it up and just speak. And it was, we did a ma- maybe eight months of it and it was really fun. And you'd always get some, you'd get Keith calling up saying, I'm drinking cream or whatever. Yeah. But um, there was one guy just, I went, hello, line two. And he just went, cunt?

• 1:10:06Speaker 02

  Of course. My producer just went. Ah, we had such a good run. It was so good. And then that was it. It was banned. Banned. Banned, banned, banned. No, no calls live to air. That was it. That was the end of it. I love that. And more recently, we, we did a feature called Cowboy Time. Is that like penis time? No, not like penis time. Put the penis away. It was at 10 to 10. So it's 10 to 10 to 10 to 10 to 10. Cowboy time was the thing. It's just, someone suggested it and we did it every day. Yeah, yeah. And then you run out. As I said, seven years in, you run out of ideas. Returnable features, that's what we did. So we did it every day. It was really fun. We'd just call back a random number that was just had text in that day. And nine times out of 10, brilliant, everyone going, oh, I'm on. And they go.

• 1:10:49Speaker 02

  But one morning, this guy picked up the phone and I went, Lewis, are you there? It was rustling. I was hovering over the fade and going, yeah, what's he doing here? It was rustling. And then he'd obviously got a phone or something and held it up to the, his, the other phone. And he was just playing porn. He was playing the porn noise that they got linical with. They got linical with? You know, the linical one. That linical got got by porn. There was a, that someone strapped a phone to the back of the sofa on FA Cup or something. And it was just going, ah. And the guy called up Radio One and did that to me. And we were. That's not as funny as the cunt guy. No, it's not as funny.

• 1:11:25Speaker 01

  And, and, and a lot more effort.

• 1:11:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:28Speaker 01

  Hmm. A lot more thinking you're gonna be funny on the lead up to it.

• 1:11:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:31Speaker 01

  But actually, not naturally a funny person. Whoever that person is, if you're listening, you have not got funny bones.

• 1:11:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:11:37Speaker 01

  But the cunt guy.

• 1:11:38Speaker 02

  The cunt guy has, yeah.

• 1:11:39Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 1:11:39Speaker 02

  Cunt?

• 1:11:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, really funny to say it like that.

• 1:11:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. Someone told me that it was then used in a sort of training module. Of course, that's the dream, isn't it? It is the dream, yeah.

• 1:11:49Speaker 01

  And I bet the cunt guy doesn't tell that story to people. Just another funny thing that he did, and I bet the porn guy tells everyone.

• 1:11:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:57Speaker 01

  As if it was the funniest thing ever.

• 1:11:58Speaker 02

  He told me, the, the porn guy.

• 1:12:01Speaker 01

  Oh, you met him?

• 1:12:01Speaker 02

  DM'd me. He said, that was me, Greg. Thought you'd find it funny. No, no, it's my job. I find that funny.

• 1:12:07Speaker 01

  Of course not.

• 1:12:08Speaker 02

  I'm at work. He turned up, the weird thing about that is that he turned up at Radio One's big weekend. He got tickets to it and he was down, this little platform we were doing the show from, and he was down saying, I'm, I'm the guy.

• 1:12:19Speaker 01

  It's me. Yeah, exactly.

• 1:12:20Speaker 02

  Just raised a middle finger to him.

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, got him.

• 1:12:23Speaker 01

  Can't see that on the radio.

• 1:12:24Speaker 02

  Got him, got him, got him.

• 1:12:29Speaker 01

  Your dream dessert?

• 1:12:31Speaker 02

  My dream dessert is, um, I actually haven't featured eggs much in this today, but I'm quite egg based.

• 1:12:36Speaker 01

  You shouted out Turkish eggs earlier, that was nice.

• 1:12:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'm quite egg based and I do like, um, a post-show egg, but I didn't think it was, it wasn't enough for me, but flan is where I get my eggs in. And, um, I don't know if you're aware of the proper French flan.

• 1:12:51Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:12:52Speaker 02

  The sort of, um, wobbly. Almost like creme caramel consistency? Consistency-ish. Yeah. But there's a very specific sort of French, I think it's called, uh, flan parisienne or something. Which I imagine is a Parisian plan. Yes. But it's, um, it's very eggy, it's quite wobbly. Yeah. And it's, it has to be quite cheap. It has to be from a supermarket. It has to be from your super ooze, your hyper use, your E. L. E. clerks, that sort of thing. And it is, it feels like it's been made by a machine. But it's absolutely delicious and I just, I just would eat that every day as. Well, this, this, I mean, this whole meal is, it's death, isn't it? This is, this is death meal, really. Your arteries are going, what are you doing?

• 1:13:37Speaker 02

  But I think the flan is the really important part of French culture. And we don't have it here. We just don't, you cannot find it. You can't find the right stuff. And actually, my aforementioned Bella, who loves Rennies, also loves making, like, trying to perfect the perfect flan. And it took her three years. Wow, but she's done it. Just about did it, just about. Oh. Yeah, it's, do you know what I'm talking about? This flan stuff? No? I can, I can imagine it. Like an egg custard-ish, but then turn left at egg custard. Yeah. But avoid creme caramel. Right. That's exactly it. Yeah, I know. That's exactly it. It looks a bit like a Basque. It looks like a Basque cheesecake, yeah. But tastes nothing like a Basque. It's much eggy, it's much more wobbly. Yeah. It's got a cheap sort of layer of pastry at the bottom, which is kind of soft. I'm with you.

• 1:14:22Speaker 02

  But the middle of it is just unbelievable. Vanilla flavour? Vanilla flavoured, eggy and very, very sugary, very, very sweet.

• 1:14:28Speaker 01

  That's my street.

• 1:14:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, I really think you'd love it.

• 1:14:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I love an egg custard.

• 1:14:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, me too.

• 1:14:33Speaker 01

  If it's, if it's like the ultimate high-end egg custard.

• 1:14:36Speaker 02

  I don't know if it's high-end. I think it's a relative of, it's more of it. You get a lot more of it.

• 1:14:41Speaker 01

  Like Guy and Greg, like related?

• 1:14:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:43Speaker 01

  Like about that distance?

• 1:14:45Speaker 02

  It's cousin, it's an egg custard cousin. A custard cousin.

• 1:14:47Speaker 01

  Oh, custard cousins is the.

• 1:14:49Speaker 02

  Custard cousins?

• 1:14:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, we can't say that.

• 1:14:50Speaker 02

  Egg cousins also feels bad.

• 1:14:52Speaker 01

  Cousins is like a sex thing.

• 1:14:54Speaker 02

  Is it? Cousin egg.

• 1:14:56Speaker 01

  Cousin egg.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  This is a much more.

• 1:14:57Speaker 01

  That's nicer, isn't it?

• 1:14:58Speaker 02

  A much more wholesome. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, so that's ruined flan, isn't it? Yeah. But that's my, that's my favourite, that would be my favourite thing. I could eat a whole, it comes in triangles.

• 1:15:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:08Speaker 02

  Or a slab. You can get a whole slab, sort of like two or three foot. Like a log? Log. It's like a log? Yeah, a cat, a flan, flatterpillar. Flatterpillar? Flatterpillar.

• 1:15:20Speaker 01

  They call it Colin Caterpillar because it's like.

• 1:15:22Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:15:23Speaker 01

  You want, like a French name, really. I don't know any French names with C.

• 1:15:29Speaker 02

  French for Colin.

• 1:15:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, what is French for Colin? I bet, I bet it doesn't exist. You know how people say there's not a German word for fluffy or that, just a joking black adder? But like, it's probably not a French.

• 1:15:40Speaker 02

  Colin? Colin. Colleen?

• 1:15:41Speaker 01

  Colleen?

• 1:15:42Speaker 02

  Colleen is probably, that's the best one it has got.

• 1:15:45Speaker 01

  See Greg, when we have like a professional radio host on,

• 1:15:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:51Speaker 01

  They know that they have to translate for Benito as well.

• 1:15:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:15:55Speaker 01

  Because we know Benito's going to put himself in the edit, so we have to say what he says. But you're the first guest who's like caught on to that without having to be told.

• 1:16:02Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  And it's like, okay, Benito said it, I should repeat it to the mic.

• 1:16:05Speaker 02

  That's good.

• 1:16:06Speaker 01

  Because he's not going to include himself in the edit.

• 1:16:07Speaker 02

  Well, you two know that I am a fan of you two in this podcast. But I have the most amount of respect in the world for people who produce audio. The producers are, oh my god.

• 1:16:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:18Speaker 02

  I immediately meet Benito, I was like, this guy, this guy's amazing.

• 1:16:21Speaker 01

  He's a legend.

• 1:16:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, he is.

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's his project really.

• 1:16:25Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:16:25Speaker 01

  We're just, we're just living in it.

• 1:16:27Speaker 02

  We haven't even brought up Longboy.

• 1:16:28Speaker 01

  Haven't even talked about Longboy.

• 1:16:30Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 1:16:31Speaker 01

  You know, and as it, as it was going on, I was like, I'm loving this episode, it's going really well. And I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna halt the rhythm to talk about Longboy. Because we have to explain Longboy to our listeners.

• 1:16:41Speaker 02

  There's a Longboy chapter in the, in the book, actually.

• 1:16:43Speaker 01

  Fantastic.

• 1:16:44Speaker 02

  And you, in fact, you feature, have you got the book there? Can I read?

• 1:16:47Speaker 01

  It's right behind you. Oh, well, it's in the book. Well, you're, you're in the book as well.

• 1:16:52Speaker 02

  Yes. Hang on, in fact.

• 1:16:55Speaker 01

  For the listeners.

• 1:16:56Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 1:16:57Speaker 01

  Longboy was a duck that Greg and all of his listeners were very obsessed with.

• 1:17:02Speaker 02

  The world was.

• 1:17:02Speaker 01

  At York University. Mainly, mainly Greg and his listeners.

• 1:17:05Speaker 02

  All right.

• 1:17:06Speaker 01

  And the duck passed away, but then a rumor started that Ed Gamble had eaten Longboy the duck on Great British Menu.

• 1:17:12Speaker 02

  Because it was a runner duck.

• 1:17:13Speaker 01

  There was runner duck on the menu.

• 1:17:15Speaker 02

  It was duck neck.

• 1:17:16Speaker 01

  It was really delicious. Yeah, there was duck neck. It was a really delicious dish.

• 1:17:18Speaker 02

  So you, that's when you were on the breakfast show.

• 1:17:20Speaker 01

  I called in.

• 1:17:21Speaker 02

  You called in to give a character witness of him.

• 1:17:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 1:17:24Speaker 02

  And you said something like, and he'd, he'd eat again, he wants to eat, he wants to eat Pudsey. That's what I remember saying.

• 1:17:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, you say, yeah, I was gonna eat Pudsey. Yeah, Pudsey bear. Yeah, yeah, he was gonna eat Pudsey bear.

• 1:17:33Speaker 02

  That's amazing.

• 1:17:33Speaker 01

  I can't remember why.

• 1:17:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:35Speaker 01

  It was around children in need type of.

• 1:17:36Speaker 02

  Well, because he was a, yeah, because he was an innocent animal.

• 1:17:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:39Speaker 02

  But, um.

• 1:17:40Speaker 01

  And then I said, I think I said I was gonna eat Barney. And I was, um, yeah, replying to a picture you put of Barney on Instagram with a knife and fork emoji.

• 1:17:46Speaker 02

  So then what we.

• 1:17:50Speaker 01

  In my, in my memory, you photoshopped a salt and pepper shaker over Barney's head when he was asleep.

• 1:17:55Speaker 02

  So it was like. You played the villain so well.

• 1:17:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:57Speaker 02

  I mean, look, people don't fear me, but they do fear Gamble.

• 1:17:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:18:00Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 1:18:00Speaker 01

  Tell me about it.

• 1:18:01Speaker 02

  I mean, I fear him now.

• 1:18:02Speaker 01

  Especially animals.

• 1:18:02Speaker 02

  But, um, you featured in, we did this, um, maybe the best thing I'll, I'll ever do. Was that I did a state funeral.

• 1:18:10Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:18:10Speaker 02

  Live on The Breakfast Show for the duck. And we did the Lord's Prayer and you, you were in it. Deliver us from Ed Gamble. For thine is the kingdom, your long neck the glory, forever and ever our friend. As we forgive hoysins, as we forgive those who hoysinned against you.

• 1:18:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, worth it.

• 1:18:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:26Speaker 01

  Worth the whole journey of like, speaking about him for years.

• 1:18:30Speaker 02

  For that.

• 1:18:30Speaker 01

  When you get that line, you go, there you go.

• 1:18:32Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 1:18:33Speaker 02

  The Ed Gamble reference is because there was a strong rumour that he ate Longboy on an episode of The Great British Menu. He has never denied this and in fact fanned the flames of it by saying he'd like to eat Pudsey from Children in Need and then my dog.

• 1:18:46Speaker 02

  And then I say, page 238, he's a fucking monster and isn't to be trusted. That said, I do really like his podcast Off Menu.

• 1:18:53Speaker 00

  And look, here we are.

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 1:18:55Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 1:18:56Speaker 01

  There you go. I'm not hearing a shout out for me there.

• 1:18:58Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. James didn't listen to a single word that you said there because he was waiting for his own.

• 1:19:02Speaker 01

  Furthermore. Great, here we go.

• 1:19:04Speaker 00

  He's making this up.

• 1:19:07Speaker 02

  I also like Jane Zaker.

• 1:19:10Speaker 01

  The end.

• 1:19:10Speaker 02

  Good book.

• 1:19:11Speaker 01

  Good book, available now. Go out and buy it.

• 1:19:13Speaker 00

  Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. James is going to read your menu back to you now. It really was a pleasure. Thank you.

• 1:19:19Speaker 01

  You like tap water and no shame, we should be attached to that.

• 1:19:21Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:19:22Speaker 01

  You want poppadoms, you want marmite cheese on a crumpet. That's your starter, grilled cheese. Main course, fettuccine Alfredo from Alfredo's in Rome. Side dish, a secret steak. And you want pizza for the table.

• 1:19:35Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. With cousin Greg. Sorry, cousin Guy.

• 1:19:38Speaker 01

  Cousin Guy will be there.

• 1:19:39Speaker 00

  Who calls Greg cousin Greg.

• 1:19:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, for the, for the secret steak.

• 1:19:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:43Speaker 01

  But around the table is Bella, Kay Hill and Kearns.

• 1:19:46Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  Drink a big bottle of Brunello and dessert, flan Parisian.

• 1:19:52Speaker 00

  Beautiful.

• 1:19:53Speaker 02

  I'm happy.

• 1:19:54Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 1:19:54Speaker 01

  That does sound nice, Greg.

• 1:19:56Speaker 00

  That is a Gaviscon meal.

• 1:19:57Speaker 01

  It's really, it's sponsored by.

• 1:19:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're bookending it with some Gabby's, but like that's.

• 1:20:03Speaker 01

  That's a very nice meal. It's, I, I, you know, it won't surprise anyone, the flan is what I want the most there.

• 1:20:08Speaker 00

  Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. It's been wonderful to have you.

• 1:20:11Speaker 02

  Thanks for inviting me. I've loved it.

• 1:20:18Speaker 00

  Thank you very much Greg for coming on the pod.

• 1:20:21Speaker 01

  So lovely to see Greg James.

• 1:20:22Speaker 00

  Lovely to see him. Great menu, great chat.

• 1:20:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:25Speaker 00

  Loved it.

• 1:20:26Speaker 01

  Little bit of long boy chat at the end, but he didn't.

• 1:20:29Speaker 00

  Wasn't on the menu.

• 1:20:29Speaker 01

  Put run a duck on the menu, so.

• 1:20:31Speaker 00

  He didn't have secret run a duck. He had secret steak, but not secret run a duck.

• 1:20:35Speaker 01

  Oh, what if the run a duck was so secret, he didn't tell us about it?

• 1:20:39Speaker 00

  Oh yeah. Well, it's a secret ingredient, but he kept it secret from us.

• 1:20:42Speaker 01

  Flipped it on us.

• 1:20:44Speaker 00

  We've been got.

• 1:20:45Speaker 01

  Why if his cousin Guy was like hidden where the coats all get hung up in the cloakroom?

• 1:20:50Speaker 00

  With the duck in his pocket.

• 1:20:51Speaker 01

  And it was duck in his pocket. And Greg would go, I'm just going to go and check on my coat. And then we'd go, just be fed. Yeah.

• 1:20:58Speaker 01

  Be fed a bit of run a duck.

• 1:20:59Speaker 00

  That would be typical of Greg James. Don't forget to go and get Greg's book, All the Best for the Future. It sounds great. I mentioned.

• 1:21:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. So just, even if it's just for rereading or listening, if you're getting the audiobook.

• 1:21:11Speaker 00

  If you love reading my name written down.

• 1:21:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:14Speaker 00

  It's a great book to get.

• 1:21:15Speaker 01

  As is Glutton.

• 1:21:17Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 1:21:17Speaker 01

  Because your name's written down in that.

• 1:21:19Speaker 00

  We can't, we can't be plugging my book in the bit where we plug Greg's book. But yeah, you can get that as well. And he's on a book tour. If you are listening to this on the day it comes out, Wednesday, October the first, you can go and see him in Glasgow if indeed there are any tickets left. And there's still another date in Leeds to come, but mainly.

• 1:21:34Speaker 01

  I would say October 2nd.

• 1:21:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21:37Speaker 01

  Tomorrow, for listeners, the day it comes out, he's going to be knocking around somewhere in between the two because very unlikely he'll be coming home.

• 1:21:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:21:45Speaker 01

  To London. So if you want to catch him in the wild on his day off and chat to him, you know, somewhere in between Glasgow and Leeds, I'd say.

• 1:21:52Speaker 00

  This is what we.

• 1:21:53Speaker 01

  He'll be breaking up the journey.

• 1:21:54Speaker 00

  We always like to do, we always like to give you listeners a little opportunity to interrupt our guests' privacy.

• 1:22:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Disrupt their life on their day off.

• 1:22:02Speaker 00

  Didn't say run a duck, of course.

• 1:22:04Speaker 01

  Didn't say run a duck and we're glad.

• 1:22:05Speaker 00

  If you live in some European cities, I'm on tour in Europe. I'm coming all over the place. Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Lisbon, Rotterdam.

• 1:22:16Speaker 01

  Or anywhere.

• 1:22:17Speaker 00

  Yes. Not Rome. Even though I'm annoyed now, I'm not doing a tour date in Rome because I could have gone to Alfredo's.

• 1:22:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it would have been great.

• 1:22:24Speaker 00

  But as it is, going to Amsterdam and I think going to go to the wrong gastro bar.

• 1:22:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:22:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:22:29Speaker 01

  Eat the most hyped up dish.

• 1:22:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:22:32Speaker 01

  I've hyped it up too much, I fear.

• 1:22:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's perfect because if it's delicious, I'll be so happy. If it's rubbish, I mean, it's love telling you it's bad.

• 1:22:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I imagine I'll learn that on this very podcast. You'll save it for, you just drop it on me.

• 1:22:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I probably will, actually.

• 1:22:48Speaker 01

  During an episode.

• 1:22:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:22:49Speaker 01

  Devastate me.

• 1:22:50Speaker 00

  I'm also touring America next year. Edgamble.co.uk for tickets for all of those. I'm going all over the place in America, James. So I need your at least one must have dish. Fucking hell.

• 1:23:02Speaker 01

  For the Nito.

• 1:23:03Speaker 00

  One must have dish in every city because you've been to all of them.

• 1:23:06Speaker 01

  Well, there'll all be ice cream.

• 1:23:07Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:23:08Speaker 01

  When you go to Seattle, go to Molly Moons.

• 1:23:10Speaker 00

  I am doing Seattle, actually.

• 1:23:11Speaker 01

  Great. Go to Molly Moons and get the Cobbler ice cream.

• 1:23:13Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:23:15Speaker 01

  Benito's hovering over the stop record button. He seems to think that we've just devolved into a normal chat we would have off the podcast, which he could be correct.

• 1:23:23Speaker 00

  Could be correct. Or he's about to sneeze again or fart or something.

• 1:23:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's about to sneeze and fart.

• 1:23:27Speaker 00

  And do a backflip.

• 1:23:28Speaker 01

  At the same time. Bup. Do everything at once.

• 1:23:31Speaker 00

  See you next week.

• 1:23:33Speaker 01

  See you next week.