Pod Insights My Therapist Ghosted Me Skiing, Phone Theft & A Colonoscopy About this episode Vogue doesn't just ski... She rescues those in need, she jumps, she twists... She does it all. Away from the slopes, Joanne turned down a PR opportunity and it was probably for the best...
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Transcript 0:02 Speaker 00 This is a Global Player original podcast.
0:15 Speaker 01 Hello and welcome to my therapist ghosted me with me Vogue Williams and
0:19 Speaker 02 Joanne McNally.
0:20 Speaker 01 And
0:22 Speaker 02 And
0:23 Speaker 03 Oh, it doesn't matter.
0:24 Speaker 02 It doesn't. Herself indoors.
0:32 Speaker 02 Vogue is coming to us live from the slopes of Alpen.
0:36 Speaker 01 Of Alpen, Alpen picking the raisins out left, right and centre up here.
0:39 Speaker 02 Love it.
0:40 Speaker 01 I'm having, honestly, it is just my favourite holiday. And I know that like it's, I'm very lucky to be away doing it and skiing with the kids.
0:50 Speaker 02 A position of off-piste privilege. On-piste. Are you off-piste or on-piste when you're skiing?
0:55 Speaker 01 I'm always on-piste. Sometimes I've done a couple of jumps today, to be fair, but mostly on-piste.
1:02 Speaker 02 What does that mean, on-piste?
1:03 Speaker 01 So on-piste is like the slopes that are, slopes that are like cultivated for people to ski on. Off-piste are the slopes that are not cultivated. But some people, have you ever seen that on TikTok where some people go, they go up on a helicopter to the top of a mountain and basically ski down, like mad stuff. Not for me.
1:24 Speaker 02 I dated a man before who got dropped off off the
1:30 Speaker 01 The helicopter?
1:31 Speaker 02 No, no, no, no. We went up on the ski lift. Yeah, the Skywalter.
1:36 Speaker 01 Well, everyone goes on the ski.
1:39 Speaker 02 No, no, no, that's not the story. There's more to it. I'm not, I'm not like, oh my God, he did what?
1:47 Speaker 02 That's it. That's it. Yeah. Just got the lift up the top.
1:51 Speaker 02 Never heard from him since.
1:53 Speaker 01 He just shooed, shooed away from my life.
1:57 Speaker 02 Shooed out.
1:58 Speaker 01 He's gone and they're gonna stop him.
2:04 Speaker 02 Off into the sunset, off he went. Shoopee shoo. I'm on the phone, hello? Three years later. Now, he went up on the ski lift and he got off the ski lift.
2:19 Speaker 02 I think he's still up there about just doing laps.
2:22 Speaker 01 I actually think, I think I spotted him at the top there already, Ron, I swear to God. I was like, here, you're a man, Joanne's looking for you.
2:37 Speaker 02 She's pissed off, he went off pissed.
2:41 Speaker 02 He then, he was released from the ski lift, as is tradition, I believe.
2:48 Speaker 02 He went to ski down and realised he was out of his depth.
2:51 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
2:52 Speaker 02 Ski wise, he was like, oh, no, no, no, I can't do this. So they had to get one of those.
3:00 Speaker 01 Stretchers?
3:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:02 Speaker 01 No.
3:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, they bring the, yeah, it's the most undignified thing I've ever seen. They get a stretcher with these absolute beast, ski beast men.
3:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:11 Speaker 02 Who could like ski across water, they're just so capable. And they packed him into a sleeping bag and put him on a little gurney or whatever, minus the wheels, and skied him back down and his friends were taking videos and all. And it was, I will say, it was undignified, it was undignified. I was, I was saying to him, I was like, I really wish you hadn't shown me that, to be honest, like, I wish, I wish I hadn't seen that. God love him, yeah.
3:34 Speaker 01 I don't understand how people get it so wrong though. We, well, we didn't bump into this man, there's a man lying in a ditch, he'd fallen over. And I was like, oh God, we'll have to go and help him up. So I went and helped him up, not a helmet on, and then realised, oh, hang on, this man cannot ski. And he was on his own and I was like, then I was like, I can't leave him. So I started snow ploughing him down. And then I got to the bottom where, it was real, I had to pick him up three times, he couldn't.
4:02 Speaker 02 Can a peasant ask a question? What's ski ploughing, what's snow ploughing or whatever?
4:06 Speaker 01 Oh, so snow plowing, it's like a pizza slice, so you put your skis into, the skis go into the tip. So it's like you're doing a pizza slice and it's how you stop. He couldn't even, he couldn't even do that. And then I was like, I took him apart of the way down and then I was like, I can't keep helping this guy. I wouldn't mind, but he was wearing like a four grand ski suit or something. He was wearing Moncler, everything was Moncler and I was like, you can afford a lesson. I don't get it.
4:31 Speaker 02 There's a saying for when someone has all the gear but no experience.
4:34 Speaker 03 No idea.
4:35 Speaker 02 All the gear, no idea. It works better in an English accent, doesn't it, Joe? All the gear, no idea. Doesn't sound quite right for us. But yeah, I think it's one of those things, probably the more you spend in a ski suit, the less experience you have because you're trying to, you're trying to ski on charisma, basically, in hopes no one notices.
4:54 Speaker 02 Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
4:56 Speaker 01 Ski on style. Here I go.
4:58 Speaker 02 Yeah. It's like if you turn up with a huge wedding dress, you're like, she's having an affair. It's that, the same kind of philosophy. Yeah. You're trying to overcompensate it.
5:06 Speaker 01 I think though, having been here for three or four days now, I think it's, it would be such a good holiday for you, Joanne. I think you'd really enjoy it.
5:15 Speaker 02 I actually agree, you know.
5:17 Speaker 01 I think she'd just go down the slope in a snowplow though, just like T does, just like straight down, absolutely no turning. She'd be like,
5:26 Speaker 01 but she'd have so much Dutch curves that she'd be like.
5:30 Speaker 02 I'd just get up and just ring the paramedic straight away and be like, I just wanted the ski lift experience. So I've not, I've no intention of skiing down. I'd be wearing roller skates or something stupid.
5:39 Speaker 01 I hear you guys drop people off. Mine popping up.
5:42 Speaker 02 I'd love to take, I'd love to have some lessons.
5:45 Speaker 01 It's so, it's so much fun.
5:47 Speaker 02 Anyone I know who skis speaks very highly of it. I don't know a single person who's come back and went, that was a load of shit.
5:53 Speaker 01 Ah, it's so, it's such, it's.
5:56 Speaker 02 One of those disco party things that everyone's, there's always babies dancing and what are they called?
6:00 Speaker 01 Après ski. So.
6:02 Speaker 02 Yes.
6:03 Speaker 01 You know the way my friend door is shut now I'm finished with friends, but T's, there's a kid that T goes to school with and his parents and him are here. And I was like, I will go out for lunch with them. And they invited us for lunch and we went for lunch with them today. And then I was really shy though, because I'm like, I don't know them and I get real shy about stuff like that. So anyway, we had the time of our life. You make the best friends skiing. Almost didn't make it back here for the pod because I went a little bit too wild with them. But like, it's so fun. Everyone's on the same bus. They have like this mental music just going on at like two o'clock in the day. It's so much fun.
6:40 Speaker 02 But you won't go with me because you don't, you won't do anything with me that I'm not good at.
6:44 Speaker 01 Well, I mean.
6:44 Speaker 02 Because you say it embarrasses you and it frustrates you. So you won't go with me.
6:48 Speaker 01 Don't get me wrong, I will go with you, but like-
6:51 Speaker 02 You won't, I know you won't.
6:52 Speaker 01 I'm all for people trying new things, but you're going off an instructor on your own. Like, until you get better, and then-
6:58 Speaker 02 What I would do is, I would do some classes on like, one of those dry slopes here. Kiltirnun, in Dublin. Kiltirnun, in Wicklow.
7:05 Speaker 01 That's where I started.
7:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'll start in Kiltirnun, I'll wrinkle Kiltirnun, wrinkle Kiltirnun. Do you want to wrinkle Kiltirnun there now?
7:11 Speaker 03 I'll get him on the-
7:11 Speaker 02 I'll get Lauren to wrinkle Kiltirnun. Let's get this show on the road.
7:14 Speaker 01 Now that you're in London, go to Hamelhamstead, you go on the dry slopes there, you'll have a great time.
7:18 Speaker 02 Hamstead? Yeah, I'll do that.
7:21 Speaker 01 But you and Amber, I don't know if you can come at the same time as each other, to be honest with you. No. I think that you'll be a liability to each other. Amber and Joanne on holidays is something that fears me more- To be witnessed. Yeah, I'm too frightened to see that.
7:35 Speaker 02 Of the two people I'm looking at, there's only one's gonna actually go skiing with me, and it's not Vogue.
7:39 Speaker 03 I mean, we'd be starting on the same experience. I have never, actually no, I've gone down a dry slope once, but nearly broke my leg. So, we are absolutely on the same sort of experience.
7:49 Speaker 02 Have you done the slippery, what's that, what's that slippery thing that the kids do in the summer? Where they put the washing up liquid on the park and then they go down on a-
7:56 Speaker 01 Slip and slide.
7:57 Speaker 02 Slip and slide.
7:58 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, big fan of that, yeah.
8:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think, I think that's a, I think that's a good start.
8:04 Speaker 01 You wrote into the group colonoscopy, which obviously has picked my ears up.
8:08 Speaker 02 Do you know where you get some interesting interview requests?
8:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:11 Speaker 02 Long story short, I got a request from a colonoscopy man.
8:17 Speaker 01 Okay.
8:18 Speaker 02 He was like, "So, I don't know if you're interested, but I do colonoscopies and I'd love to interview while you're getting a colonoscopy for our social content." I was like, "Are you high?"
8:31 Speaker 01 Wait-
8:32 Speaker 02 And he goes, "Oh, worst case scenario, you get a free colonoscopy." And I was like, "That's not the worst case scenario."
8:38 Speaker 02 The worst case scenario is, I actually do it, and there's social content of me with a tube up my ass. While telling you my life story. I was like, no, no, like, I get the brands, I get a collab, I understand, it's all back scratching and all that, but that's taking the piss.
8:53 Speaker 01 I think if that had been me, like, six years ago, and someone said, I'll give you, what's the other one? Not a colonoscopy, the one where you, it clears you out. What's that called again?
9:04 Speaker 02 I think that, that's a colonoscopy.
9:06 Speaker 01 No.
9:07 Speaker 02 It's the tube up your ass.
9:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, but this one isn't for medical reasons, it clears you out.
9:11 Speaker 03 Colonic irrigation.
9:12 Speaker 01 A colonic irrigation. I reckon if someone had come to me with a colonic irrigation years ago, I would have been like, okay.
9:19 Speaker 02 Oh my God, I totally forgot they're different things.
9:22 Speaker 01 Sorry.
9:22 Speaker 02 I thought you was asking me a colonic irrigation.
9:24 Speaker 01 He wanted a colonoscopy.
9:27 Speaker 03 There's a camera, isn't it?
9:28 Speaker 02 Oh, that's even worse.
9:31 Speaker 01 That's absolutely bizarre.
9:33 Speaker 02 I wouldn't even be on camera, I'd be my asshole on camera.
9:37 Speaker 02 When I tell my life story, it's just going through my rectum.
9:42 Speaker 02 Oh my God, that's actually worse than I thought it was. I thought I'd just be facing the camera with a hose up my ass. But no, the camera will be in my ass. What if it finds a fibroid?
9:56 Speaker 01 I think that's the least of your worries, if it finds a fibroid.
10:01 Speaker 02 Sorry, I don't even get any screen time.
10:04 Speaker 03 Well, you do.
10:07 Speaker 01 Give your insides a bit of a, a bit of a, a bit of a moment.
10:12 Speaker 02 I was like, I understand we're all, we've all got something to sell, you know, we never want to market.
10:18 Speaker 01 Colonoscopy.
10:19 Speaker 02 I was slightly insulted. I was like, oh, come on now. I know I'm not exactly, you know, I'm not the cover of Cosmo, but like, also, I don't need to be giving you footage from my rectum.
10:31 Speaker 01 Would you mind if we did like a 15 second video of your, of your internal insides, please? Would you mind if we did that?
10:39 Speaker 02 Imagine they tried to put a camera in my liver, the whole liver would dissolve. They'd be like, oh God, we've been, we've been holding it together now barely.
10:46 Speaker 01 Your liver just ran away. No, this is too much for us. We've put up with enough, I'm done.
10:53 Speaker 02 It needs a glow up. Send it to Amanda Byron on the swan. That liver needs a full set of teeth and a fringe. It's a bitch.
11:07 Speaker 01 Do you ever go for a smear there and they're like, do you mind if a student nurse comes in?
11:11 Speaker 02 At least that's, there's a bit of dignity in people looking at your smear.
11:14 Speaker 01 Really?
11:15 Speaker 02 Your colon's a di- it's a different beast.
11:16 Speaker 01 The colon is a different story in all fairness, but I can't believe there's a company that would want to do that. Like, who wants to? Ah, in fairness, I want to see it on Instagram actually.
11:27 Speaker 01 I did have a message from a lovely listener and she said, "Oh Vogue and Joanne and Jo, the egg comes out too with the wall shedding, unless it's fertilised by sperm, in which case it sticks to the wall and grows into a baby." Isn't that nice to know?
11:44 Speaker 02 I, I, I'm not gonna lie, I, I still have no idea what, what, what, what happens.
11:48 Speaker 01 I, well, I guessed the egg and you guessed the wall, so together we knew it all.
11:53 Speaker 02 We emba- we embarrassed ourselves. It wa- it, it wasn't the first time, it won't be the last time. All right?
11:59 Speaker 01 And we let it go out. We let it go out.
12:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, between, between three of us, we have three, five children, so I think we got, I think we got it. Okay?
12:10 Speaker 01 I knew something was going on there with the egg and stuff.
12:13 Speaker 02 Yeah. We knew something shifted when all of you gave birth, so we got it, we're fine.
12:18 Speaker 01 The egg and spoon race, you know yourself. Same thing, same thing.
12:22 Speaker 02 Some lads spoons your eggs, you lay an egg. Grant.
12:24 Speaker 01 And you see, Luisa, my manager in the group, actually said something I didn't think she would admit to. She didn't know that women had three entrance points. Is that a, is that a nicer way to put it, or a more disgusting way?
12:40 Speaker 02 No, I think entrance points, Jo, depending on what you're into.
12:43 Speaker 01 Exit or entrance points?
12:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:46 Speaker 01 And now, okay, I'll just say, women have three holes and my manager didn't know that.
12:51 Speaker 02 Well, I, it's, yeah. I did, and only because I had to learn. I had a joke about a mini golf course or something, I can't remember what it was. It's something about, yeah.
13:02 Speaker 01 That's how she learnt?
13:07 Speaker 01 I think you should bring that joke back.
13:09 Speaker 02 I should, yeah. Stick me under a windmill, you'd never know the difference.
13:18 Speaker 02 Yeah. I mean, like I say, like, they don't, why don't we know that? Anyway, let's not rehash old embarrassments, but look, we're learning. Every day's a school day.
13:28 Speaker 01 We're learning, we're learning. I have three kids and I'm still learning. So I'm glad that they haven't asked me them that themselves.
13:35 Speaker 02 Three kids, one out each hole. Perfect.
13:38 Speaker 01 Yeah. That's exactly what happened, Joanne. I thought this hole's had enough. Go on to the next one. I don't think that, like, T's like, and where does the baby come from? And I'm like, your tummy? I just don't think he's old enough for that. He's six. I can't tell him. That'd be terrifying to hear as a six year old. Well, maybe because he's a man, not as terrifying, but then he tells Gigi.
14:05 Speaker 02 I have a tip. Tell your kids they're adopted and then they'll never ask. I swear to God, I was just told, I was, I was told about the adoptive process that everyone, you know, just wanted me so badly that they couldn't decide. I was like a hot jack of potato and then I ended up with my family. So I was too busy trying to process that, that it never occurred to me to ask how I physically arrived on earth. I was just, I was just trying to figure out how I arrived on the south side of Dublin.
14:36 Speaker 01 Like a hot potato. Everyone wanted to, who's gonna have her? Who's gonna have her?
14:41 Speaker 02 Yeah. She's too hot for, she's too hot for us. She's just too hot. We all want her, but she's, oh God, she's too.
14:47 Speaker 01 I don't even, I don't even remember learning about that and finding it. I remember learning about periods and just like literally latching on to that so badly that I was like, please God, let my period come.
15:00 Speaker 01 And obviously it didn't come to me for years and years and years. I was 16 at the time it came, so.
15:04 Speaker 02 Sorry, Vogue, have we not just done one and a half episodes on the fact that we don't know what a period is? And you've just said it's the only thing you learnt in school.
15:10 Speaker 01 We've also said that we don't like people talking about holy stuff, so bless you. Yes.
15:20 Speaker 02 What?
15:21 Speaker 01 Because I was like, please God, let my period come. Please God.
15:27 Speaker 02 Well, and this is, this is, this is kind of me dropping in the AMBI thing, but the, who replaced Avril Lavigne was nominated for an AMBI, which I didn't know what an AMBI was, but it's basically an American, it's like the American British Podcast Awards kind of thing. And I was writing about it, I was doing a post about it, because you know, you obviously have to, you know.
15:47 Speaker 01 Excuse me, America, yes, I think we will.
15:49 Speaker 02 Of course, anything in America, anything in America.
15:52 Speaker 01 No, maybe not Donald Trump, but anything else, anything else.
15:55 Speaker 02 Oh my God, are you joking?
15:59 Speaker 02 I'd be seeing, I'd be doing 10 minutes at the inauguration.
16:03 Speaker 02 Make no mistake. I actually didn't know, but I know now what an AMBI is. And I was writing a post and I was gonna say, um, if I could just get Ronan Keating to pray and to, I know, and then I was like, I don't think, I think, I don't think, I think that's kind of mean.
16:20 Speaker 01 Well, Ronan Keating praying, I think he is a prayer.
16:23 Speaker 02 To ask him to pray. Is he a prayer though, or are we just slagging him?
16:27 Speaker 01 Joanne, we're not, we're not slagging him, he says God bless after every sentence he says.
16:32 Speaker 02 He does, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:33 Speaker 01 He says, God bless, God bless, God bless. I don't know if he's a prayer or not, or that's now just something that comes out like, oh, you're grant, you're grant. Now his is, God bless, God bless.
16:42 Speaker 02 Ronan, if you're listening.
16:43 Speaker 01 Pray for us.
16:44 Speaker 02 Have a word to the big man, will you? Yeah, thanks, I know you've got connections.
16:49 Speaker 01 Pray for us, Ronan, we appreciate it.
16:51 Speaker 02 Life's a rollercoaster, et cetera, big fans, big fans.
16:54 Speaker 01 Um, also, actually now we're on the topic, I am doing a book tour.
16:58 Speaker 02 Yes.
16:59 Speaker 01 Well, when I say a book tour, it's two dates, okay, that's, don't get too excited.
17:03 Speaker 02 Well, folk, this is how it starts, you don't know what, you don't know what's ahead of you. Get Ronan to pray for you as well, you would know.
17:14 Speaker 02 You'll be in Wembley next year.
17:16 Speaker 01 Ronan, if you wouldn't mind praying for Big Mouth Book Tour, I'd really appreciate that.
17:21 Speaker 02 What's, what's the big one of the states, Jo? Madison Square Garden.
17:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, I would. I'd like to. I'd like to visit NYC with my book tour, but currently we're doing Vickers Street, the 26th of May, and Union Chapel in London on the 27th of May, which is very exciting.
17:38 Speaker 02 Lovely rooms.
17:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, really nice rooms. And I want to make them like really fun, like shows, not just like sit down and chat about the book, other things. So we're gonna, and I'm gonna get cool people to host, which will be fun.
17:51 Speaker 02 They'll be really nice.
17:52 Speaker 01 So look out for your email.
17:54 Speaker 02 Is it about you? I'm not, I'm not gonna ask, I'm not gonna ask.
17:58 Speaker 01 Look out for your email, Joanne, 26th and 27th of May, if you're around.
18:04 Speaker 02 I'll be, I'll be, I'll be doing, I'll be doing stage managing, will I? I'll be in the wings, serving drinks and orange sections.
18:11 Speaker 01 Light, light.
18:14 Speaker 02 You missed the music cue again, Joanne, you stupid bitch. I'm like, I'm sorry about it, sorry.
18:18 Speaker 01 Sorry, have we not discussed the way Gollum is sitting there while we're recording this podcast?
18:24 Speaker 02 She's up on her hormones again.
18:25 Speaker 01 Spencer does that as well. What is that? Is that comfortable?
18:30 Speaker 02 Well, I'm, I, I believe I am moments away from getting my ADHD diagnosis. Moments. And in fairness, I've made a real effort to get it, the diagnos-, I've rea-, I've made a real effort to get ADHD. I've deserved it. But yeah, I'm, I'm moments away. So I assume that's, I'm stemming? Am I stemming? No, I'm joking.
18:51 Speaker 01 So, so wait, so you went for your diagnosis, your mom was there to, she had to answer, cry.
18:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:58 Speaker 02 Pat's so funny for the ADHD diagnosis. The doctor's like, so talk about Joanne. She's like, well, she's adopted. So, i.e. this has nothing to do with me.
19:10 Speaker 02 I don't know, whatever the fuck is, whatever's wrong with her.
19:15 Speaker 02 She didn't get it from me. She didn't get it from me.
19:18 Speaker 01 That's the perfect out for her as well.
19:20 Speaker 02 I know, yeah.
19:22 Speaker 01 That's what I'm saying.
19:23 Speaker 02 I'm just here to be saying, but I can tell you now, this is nothing to do with me or my family. She came like this, it's not my problem. I'll support as well I can.
19:33 Speaker 01 When Otto starts beating Cheesy up, I'm like, that's a Matthews gene, that's nothing to do with it. Williamses, don't do that. That is Matthews all over.
19:42 Speaker 02 We never lifted a finger on you on the tennis quiz.
19:45 Speaker 01 Absolutely not, I will tell you, excuse you.
19:53 Speaker 02 I was the victim of, I was, I was mugged.
19:56 Speaker 01 That's pretty scary.
19:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, I know. I say mugged. It was, I was pickpocketed, which I'd-
20:02 Speaker 01 Which is a light mugging. It's a light mugging.
20:05 Speaker 02 It's a diet mugging. It's a diet mugging.
20:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
20:08 Speaker 02 There was no weapon involved. And do you know what?
20:11 Speaker 01 Almost nor annoying though, in a way, because you don't see it happening. So you're like, god damn it!
20:15 Speaker 02 I don't, I don't even have a story. I just got lightly touched. Do you know what I mean?
20:19 Speaker 01 I thought you said your phone was gone.
20:21 Speaker 02 Phone was gone. Now, there's an absolute rampage going on in London at the moment with people robbing phones. So I, I, I'd, I'd made my peace with the fact it was going to happen because I always have my phone out. I'm either on my phone or I'm mapping my way around or whatever. So I was like, it's going to go. So I knew it was gonna go. But then, yeah, he took it out from my, I just, I was walking in through Soho and there was a gentle, I felt a light touch of the hand and the phone was gone. And then the guy I was with was like, we go after them. And I was like, I've had five Negronis. What am I gonna bust through Leicester Square? Like, what the fuck am I gonna do? I'll get arrested for drunken disorderly and, and he'll go free and I'll be in a cell. Like, no, I can't. I have to go.
21:05 Speaker 02 So I just sent it up into the universe, even though I don't believe in the universe, but I just was like, send it up to Mary or whatever. Yeah.
21:11 Speaker 01 I wouldn't mind, but people like us who are not tech savvy, we should have special like stickers on our heads or something like that to say, listen,
21:20 Speaker 02 Benefits.
21:21 Speaker 01 don't rob us because we can't sort out our own phones. So like, rob someone else.
21:25 Speaker 02 Do you know what the saddest part of the whole thing is? And like, I know it's only a phone. And like I say, I'd sent it up to Jesus. It was fine.
21:34 Speaker 02 Why do I sound like Ronald Keating?
21:36 Speaker 01 God bless you, Jemaine. God bless you and God bless your phone.
21:39 Speaker 02 And I'm like, maybe this man, you know, it's the Mel Robbins, let them. I'm like, let them steal, let them steal the phone. Maybe he needed the phone, you know? Maybe he needed the phone to buy milk formula for his baby.
21:50 Speaker 01 I don't think so.
21:51 Speaker 02 I know, he was buying gear. Anyway. But you know what the most upsetting thing? All my WhatsApps are gone.
21:59 Speaker 01 Oh, I delete them.
22:01 Speaker 02 What?
22:02 Speaker 01 Well, Spenny and I had a big fight one, like, well, I say one day. It was a whole day of fights and I was like, oh, this isn't gonna look great until it's like for me or for you. And I was like, delete all your messages there. And he deleted them. And then when I went to delete mine, I was like, hold on a second, 12,000 messages. I don't know. And then I was like, no, I should, I should.
22:22 Speaker 02 What?
22:23 Speaker 01 12,000 messages.
22:25 Speaker 02 Okay, okay. So fine for husbands, but like for friends. Like I've no, all my messages are gone, like years of messages and they're not in my cloud. They were saved to the phone.
22:39 Speaker 01 So I know, but you're only, as long as none of your friends die in the near future, you're fine because you're never gonna look back on them.
22:46 Speaker 02 Well, I said, so I, I contacted three friends today and said, download our whole conversation and send it to me. So I have it downloaded.
22:55 Speaker 01 Why are they sick?
22:56 Speaker 02 Well, this is exactly what I thought. I said, in case you die. I, I, I contacted the three friends I thought would die the fastest and said, give me the conversations now. Just in case, I'm gonna want them for sentimentality.
23:08 Speaker 01 That's good. I'm glad I didn't receive one of those messages.
23:10 Speaker 02 You didn't, you didn't, because you're healthy. Because you're healthy. Jo, if you could reply to my text, that'd be great. You've gone yellow in the eyes. What?
23:19 Speaker 03 Can I just apologize to you? Because when you put a message into the group to say that you'd lost your phone, I assumed it was your own fault.
23:28 Speaker 02 Hmm.
23:29 Speaker 03 So can I?
23:30 Speaker 02 I knew that from the tone of your response.
23:32 Speaker 01 Probably, Jo. Jo, no, no, I would, Jo, before you, before you, before you do the apology, Jo, take that back. Let's be honest. Joanne was prime picking for the big pocket in Soho that night.
23:47 Speaker 02 So this was the gas thing. The amount of times I've had my phone out and I didn't. It was in my pocket and he left. It was kind of just sticking, it's just sticking out of my pocket. I, so yeah, Jo, I was the victim of an incredibly gentle, slightly arousing crime.
24:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry.
24:02 Speaker 02 He touched my hand and it felt good. Will Global replace my phone?
24:06 Speaker 03 Uh, no.
24:08 Speaker 02 I will, well, I will be reporting this to you.
24:10 Speaker 01 How did you get a new phone already? I just can't imagine you in a phone shop. Makes no sense to me.
24:15 Speaker 02 I, I.
24:16 Speaker 01 Imagine her in a phone shop. What?
24:20 Speaker 02 What do you think I do? Do you think I just fucking?
24:22 Speaker 01 I don't think you go to phone shops. I just don't. Tell you what, Neil Wilson doesn't go to phone shops. He got banned from a phone shop, my stepdad. Banned.
24:30 Speaker 02 Why? Why?
24:31 Speaker 01 Well, he got a bit upset in there, so he was not invited back.
24:36 Speaker 02 Oh, did he go full on steamed dumpling? Did he kick off?
24:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, he had a bit of a nightmare in there and now he's no longer invited back. But that's in Edinburgh. They don't live there anymore. So all good.
24:45 Speaker 02 Fine. Yeah. Yeah. Tinder swindler. He's moving around. Fair enough.
24:49 Speaker 01 Yeah. How did you get the new phone? I can't imagine you went to a shop.
24:54 Speaker 02 Do you know why I went down and got the phone?
24:56 Speaker 01 Why?
24:56 Speaker 02 Because the Apple shop is, in my local Apple shop is beside Deschum, which is my new
25:01 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
25:03 Speaker 02 favourite restaurant. So I was like, okay, I'm like a, you know the horse with the carrot that you get to do things? I'm like, okay, well, if it's around Deschum, I'll get to Deschum. And then whatever the shit job needs to be done, if it's in that local area, I'll be willing to do it because I've had a Deschum.
25:18 Speaker 01 Do you know what Deschum do? One meal that you buy, they give a meal to somebody who can't afford to buy a meal.
25:24 Speaker 02 Is it me again? Because I'd love that.
25:28 Speaker 01 This girl's lost her phone. She needs the freebie today.
25:40 Speaker 01 Look at the size of Joanne's new lamp. Are you joking me?
25:46 Speaker 01 Oh my God, that could eat you. Is that AI?
25:54 Speaker 02 Can we please discuss because some things really tickle my fancy? And this story really tickled my fancy. And it's the Samantha Mumba Downe Schiehen drama that happened in Ireland or E, the Eurovision audition process. Jo, are you aware? Are you making an effort with our country?
26:13 Speaker 03 For once, I've actually seen this and I loved it as much.
26:16 Speaker 01 I actually stayed out of it because I knew that you were gonna. So I would like you to tell me and the listeners what happened.
26:22 Speaker 02 I just love a celebrity feud and I, this one involved no sexual assault allegations and they're my favourites because you're like, you're allowed to have the crack with them then. Do you know what I mean? But it is basically our version of Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively.
26:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:36 Speaker 02 Without the heavy shit. Ireland, we used to own Eurovision, it was like our thing, and then we lost our way. Everything went poppy, fine. So now we don't have.
26:47 Speaker 01 Let me tell you what happened.
26:49 Speaker 02 Oh god, okay, go on.
26:50 Speaker 01 So Ireland were so good at Eurovision and we won all the time and we kept winning and then we couldn't afford to keep winning. So we passed on the torch.
27:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's why I, that's, that's, I love when you turn into Vogue Rogue and go full conspiracy.
27:09 Speaker 02 They're throwing the competition. We're so good, but they can't afford us.
27:15 Speaker 01 That's what happened. We couldn't afford to run the competition anymore as we said, you know what, we'll pass the torch. And we got Edward on board.
27:22 Speaker 02 We can't afford, Anthony.
27:26 Speaker 02 I will not have a bad word set against Edward.
27:28 Speaker 01 I love, two of the nicest guys in showbiz.
27:33 Speaker 02 So now what we do is there's like a, a, a public vote for who goes to the Eurovision. And Samantha Mumba auditioned.
27:42 Speaker 01 Body to body, funky to funky.
27:46 Speaker 02 We all knows.
27:49 Speaker 02 It's been a while, it's been a while. But she's, you gotta know, girl, like, so Samantha Mumba is.
27:55 Speaker 01 She was so cool in art as we were growing up.
27:58 Speaker 02 Yeah. She, I remember, there's only two and a half, three people I've been properly starstruck by. And that was Bertie Hearn, much to my shame, I can't, I can't explain it, can't explain it, it was years ago. It was, it was, it was during the whole kind of Celtic downfall thing.
28:13 Speaker 01 You were funny around me Hall Martin as well when we met up, you were funny.
28:18 Speaker 02 I was, I was giddy. I was giddy, yeah, I was giddy, yeah. I fatherish, you know yourself.
28:24 Speaker 01 Don't let her near the president of Ireland.
28:27 Speaker 02 Joe, the second, the second you get into politics and put on a suit, good luck to you. I will be all over you like a rat up a drainpipe.
28:34 Speaker 01 Samantha Mumba.
28:36 Speaker 02 I know power when I smell it. I can smell power. And Samantha Mumba walked through Pares Court Townhouse one day and I was in my, at this point, like I'd spent my youth wanting to be in the Billy Barrys and go to stage school and dance and perform and sing. And Pat McNally had knocked that out of me with her bare hands. So I just looked on with admiration and Samantha Mumba walked through Pares Court Townhouse and the, and the, and the star quality of that woman, she was like oozing it like a snail. There was like star goo coming out the back of her. Oh my God. And I was like, oh my God, Samantha Mumba, Samantha Mumba. Anyway, now we're kind of like friends because we DM sometimes.
29:14 Speaker 01 So sorry, you and Samantha are great friends now as well, yeah?
29:17 Speaker 02 Well, I'm team mum, I'm team, I'm team Sammy Mumps.
29:19 Speaker 01 She basically, honestly, she added her music to a video in Ireland that they had this video of going around about like car crashes and how like you had to wear your seatbelt and it was always the person in the back who did the damage. Always the person in the back that did it. Always.
29:35 Speaker 02 It was, no, sorry, Vogue, it was the one in the back, it was the one, it was the one without the belt that did the damage.
29:40 Speaker 01 Yes. John, and I will never be caught dead without a seatbelt.
29:44 Speaker 02 Same.
29:44 Speaker 01 Excuse the pun. Thank you Samantha. Thank you.
29:47 Speaker 02 I could not, I could not agree more. No one in Ireland of that generation will forget that put your fucking seatbelt on ad that has probably kept millions of us alive. So Samantha Mumba is basically Mother Teresa.
30:01 Speaker 01 That's what I was gonna liken her to. She is like a pop version of Mother Teresa.
30:06 Speaker 02 She's Gandhi. Anyway. Samantha Mumba auditioned, who's she successful Irish singer, pop singer? And then she kind of went off and did her own thing. She's in America now, she's had a couple of kids, she's got a half fella and she decided to audition for the Irish Eurovision. So she's on the Late Late and they have a panel of inverted commas, experts and I, I'm playing devil's advocate here now, even though I am team Samantha.
30:30 Speaker 01 I'm staying out of this.
30:34 Speaker 02 So.
30:36 Speaker 01 I love you all.
30:36 Speaker 02 Panel, I think there was a person on the panel, so the panel was, they weren't like big musos, they weren't like pop, they weren't ex-pop stars as such, the way Samantha is. And I think Samantha basically was a bit like overqualified for the job. And she didn't think they were treated that well, she didn't get through, and she was a bit like, that was shit, that was a shit experience for me, and they kind of undermined me, and their feedback wasn't that sound, and I don't think they're really in a position to be criticizing someone who's had an actual pop career, which I think is like grand.
31:08 Speaker 01 Who are the judges, who are the other judges?
31:10 Speaker 02 Don O'Shea and Laura Fox and Arthur Groulian, and I know that's not the correct pronunciation, but.
31:17 Speaker 01 Arthur Groulian.
31:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, Brian Dailings fellow. So, they were on the panel, Samantha didn't get through, and she was pissed off, not about that, she says, which I believe her because we're best friends.
31:30 Speaker 02 Because she likes my stories sometimes. And she kind of clapped back, and do you know.
31:35 Speaker 01 Hang on one, sorry, hang on one second, I just want to see if Samantha follows me, because then I'll know my opinion on this in one second.
31:41 Speaker 02 Oh god, I can't, I can't watch this live. Of course she will, she will.
31:46 Speaker 01 You better watch it live.
31:47 Speaker 02 I'm ringing her, I'm ringing her.
31:48 Speaker 01 No, she doesn't follow me, I'm sorry, I completely agree with Arthur.
31:53 Speaker 02 She does.
31:54 Speaker 01 She doesn't, but I don't follow her, I'll follow her, I'll follow her.
31:56 Speaker 02 Well, I mean, you know, you can't expect it back if you don't give it, you know, you can't drag a horse to water.
32:02 Speaker 01 He can't drag a horse to water.
32:06 Speaker 03 You can, you can, you can drag a horse.
32:08 Speaker 02 Sorry, the saying is, you can't, you can.
32:14 Speaker 02 Sorry, no, I had two caboose's earlier.
32:18 Speaker 01 You can drag a horse to water, but you can't make a drink.
32:22 Speaker 02 Make a drink.
32:25 Speaker 01 Do you want, same thing, same thing.
32:29 Speaker 01 Joe, Joe, good luck with this edit, Joe.
32:35 Speaker 03 Oh, I've not edited that, that is staying as it is.
32:39 Speaker 02 It's like my friend Nicola always says, "Life is long, girls." We're like, "That's not the saying, Nicola. It's not the saying. It's short." She's like, "Girls, life is long." Anyway, where are we?
32:49 Speaker 01 Life is like a box of chocolates, is what we were gonna say.
32:52 Speaker 02 Life is like a box of chocolates. And the early bird eats the caramel worm.
32:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:57 Speaker 02 So Samantha Mumba's super cool. Donal Schigan, I'm not familiar with his work. I know he's a TV chef.
33:02 Speaker 01 Oh, he's an amazing chef, though. I have to...
33:04 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. I'm not saying I don't. I'm also team Donal.
33:08 Speaker 01 I also want to shout out his cookbook, because my friends will not stop sending that into my friends group of all his recipes. I haven't got it myself. Heard it's good. Anyway, go on, Samantha Mumba.
33:18 Speaker 02 Well, I'm more of an air fryer gal, so I don't think his book is gonna really suit me. But Donal Schigan looks like...
33:24 Speaker 01 You tried to cook eggs in an air fryer once, and you haven't used... I'm an air fryer girl. What else have you cooked?
33:32 Speaker 02 Jesus, though, can I not just lie about anything? No?
33:36 Speaker 01 Can I not have a private life, though? No?
33:38 Speaker 02 Can I not have a private culinary life?
33:42 Speaker 02 Okay, yeah. I eat my dinner out of the neighbors' bins. Now everyone knows. I just wait for the neighbors to throw out their leftovers, and then I go through them like a fox.
33:54 Speaker 01 Do you like how she threw in that she's had two kombuchas earlier? Okay, Joanne, we know you're a queen of health.
34:03 Speaker 01 Sorry, hang on while I get my kimchi.
34:06 Speaker 02 Ramadi sang me kombuchas, and I'm fucking strung out on them. Donal Schigan looks like if you asked AI to turn George Clooney into a CBeebies presenter. Does that make sense?
34:18 Speaker 01 Yes. What a great way of describing him.
34:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, I really thought about that. I was like, I looked at loads of photos of Donal. Sorry, Donal. And I was like, I need to describe this man so that people who aren't engaged in Irish culinary politics can picture him. And that is what he looks like.
34:37 Speaker 01 Do you know where he lives?
34:38 Speaker 02 Ireland.
34:39 Speaker 01 Where in Ireland?
34:42 Speaker 02 The kitchen.
34:43 Speaker 01 No, the best place in Ireland, the best place in the whole of Ireland.
34:46 Speaker 02 Oh, for fuck's sake.
34:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, Houth, yeah, he's a Houthie.
34:50 Speaker 02 We can't, we can't endorse this, Jo.
34:52 Speaker 01 All right, listen, Joanne, it's a fact, I'm just saying, we're talking about Donald, he's from Houth.
34:57 Speaker 02 Well, he's made a bit, he's probably made a bit of cash now selling his spaghetti's.
35:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, so he's a very big house in Houth now.
35:03 Speaker 02 Yes, he's got a large, like a large kind of pasta fed house in Houth.
35:19 Speaker 02 When I heard that Donald Keane was in a pop band, I was like, that is so, because he's so wholesome, it just, it was like, it'd be like hearing if Dermot O'Leary was a pole dancer.
35:28 Speaker 01 He does do some pole dancing on his radio show, I've seen it.
35:31 Speaker 02 Well, he does dancing, but it just, it was, it was a, it was a jarring thing to learn. Jo, Google him there and you'll see exactly what I mean. He's got Blue Peter vibes, but he's kind of great.
35:44 Speaker 03 Nice man.
35:44 Speaker 02 Yes.
35:45 Speaker 01 He does look clean.
35:47 Speaker 02 Really clean.
35:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:49 Speaker 02 But I would have also questioned his credentials, as Samantha Mumba did, she was like, how is this lad telling me? And then it turned out that he was in a band years ago called Industry, which was, which kind of shocked my core. I have an overactive nervous system anyway, so that didn't help, I kind of spasmed when I heard this news. And he auditioned to represent Ireland in the Eurovision the year that Dustin won.
36:11 Speaker 01 Shut up. Oh, God, Dustin beat him. Sorry, hang on, hang on a second, we sent Dustin. You see, I told you, we didn't have the money to put the show on, so we sent Dustin.
36:24 Speaker 02 It was, it was a lack of respect.
36:26 Speaker 01 I love Dustin, but like Dustin is no singer.
36:30 Speaker 02 For anyone who doesn't know, Dustin is an Irish.
36:34 Speaker 01 Turkey.
36:35 Speaker 02 Turkey puppets. I don't know how else to explain it really. He's a turkey puppets.
36:38 Speaker 01 But with a very good comedian behind him.
36:41 Speaker 02 He's a great comedian behind him, but he is ultimately.
36:45 Speaker 01 A puppy that's a turkey.
36:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, that went to the Eurovision of representing Ireland. Instead of Donald Skene. So we would maybe think that there's a little bit of resentment there in Donald's oven. What do we say?
36:58 Speaker 01 I'd say he cooks turkey on the daily.
37:01 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
37:03 Speaker 02 Samantha clapped back. She didn't get through. She didn't think the judges treated her very well or any of the contestants. And she clapped back. And we're always kind of torn between taking the high road and clapping back. And when someone claps back, it's always fascinating.
37:17 Speaker 01 I love it.
37:18 Speaker 02 She sent them a bag of dicks. She was like, you weren't, you weren't nice. You weren't kind. You've no credentials. I didn't enjoy the experience. Here's a bag of dicks and sent all the aubergine emojis. And then Donald Skene clapped back by posting loads of recipes with aubergines in them. And also kind of defending his position by alerting us all to the fact that he was in industry, which was so shocking. I actually went into anaphylactic shock. It was, I couldn't get over it.
37:41 Speaker 01 Well, he does.
37:43 Speaker 02 He looks like he has the rhythm of a bin bag. I'm sorry, Donald. I'm sorry.
37:47 Speaker 01 I would, Joanne, I have the rhythm of a bin bag. And if I wanted to be a pop star, you would allow it. You would allow it. I'd be like a paper bag flying in the wind. I'd be that man. You know, those things.
38:04 Speaker 01 I just think like, I mean, I, obviously I, I've done dancing shows where people are like, you did this, this and everything. I never, ever, I don't think I've ever got a nice comment because I can't dance. But I think there's a way of telling people, you know what, you're complete shite, but like.
38:23 Speaker 02 It's Samantha Mumba.
38:25 Speaker 01 Yes. And she's not shite.
38:27 Speaker 02 Just give us the Eurovision. Like, it's like, it's like asking Helen Mirren to audition for Home and Away. It's ridiculous.
38:33 Speaker 01 Well, Samantha wanted to do it, but she should have just been like sped way into the Eurovision. She would have won.
38:39 Speaker 02 Exactly. Ireland should have been like, oh Samantha Mumba wants to represent us in the Eurovision.
38:42 Speaker 01 But Joanne, we can't, we can't afford it.
38:45 Speaker 02 Give her an Adele song or a Coldplay song. No, no, no. No one's looking at us anyway.
38:50 Speaker 01 We can't afford it, Joanne. That's why she wasn't chosen, because we can't afford to have her win and have to put on the competition ourselves. We don't have the national income.
38:59 Speaker 02 Sorry, you're right. A 9/11 is an inside job.
39:01 Speaker 01 If you wanna, if you wanna, if you wanna pay for it yourself, Joanne, out of your own taxes, that's fine, but I'm not, I'm not up for my taxes to pay for the Eurovision. I'm happy to watch Dustin and Samantha not do it.
39:14 Speaker 02 I would just love to see Samantha Mumba singing Yellow by Coldplay without anyone admitting that we've ripped it off from Coldplay and just say that it's parallel thinking, which is what a lot of people say when they rip something off. That would have been my ideal Eurovision. It didn't happen. I'm Team Mumbas, but I respect Donald and I respect his pop past. But everyone's fine. There's more aubergines being sent. I've never seen so many aubergines flying back and forth. It was the, it was the celebrity feud we needed. I hope it goes to the High Courts. I'm holding space.
39:41 Speaker 01 Well, I was actually thinking Samantha Mumba, I would love to have her play at my 40th birthday party that I haven't organised, but she's too pretty and I don't need that at my party. To be honest with you, I want to be the prettiest girl there. Thank you.
39:54 Speaker 02 Wow, I'm invited. That's highly insulting.
39:59 Speaker 02 Wow.
40:00 Speaker 01 Have you received the invite? Have you received an invite?
40:03 Speaker 02 Here we go.
40:04 Speaker 01 Have you received an invite? Unless you've been for...
40:08 Speaker 02 You actually sent me three invites. You're like, make sure you're there. Make sure you're there.
40:13 Speaker 01 You're getting, you're getting a special invite to a different party.
40:26 Speaker 02 That's it for this week. Thank you everybody so much for listening and we will be back with a bonus on Wednesday.
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Previous MTGM EXTRA! "I won't feel that excitement again in this lifetime." Next MTGM EXTRA! "Don't judge me." Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated