School Nostalgia, Dancing & Crying On A Plane

We're headed straight down to nostalgia corner this week, recalling all the things from school you'd forgotten about. Plus, Celebrity Traitors reaction, Brooklyn Beckham & human toes for sale... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com Joanne's comedy gigs: www.joannemcnally.com Vogue's Book Tour: www.fane.co.uk/vogue-williams This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Welcome to My Third is Ghosted Me with myself, Joanna McNally, and herself.

• 0:20Speaker 02

  Vogue Williams.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Vogue Williams.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Great news story. Australia's giving a lot of news at the moment between the mushroom story that we won't get into for legal reasons, but one of the jurors was sacked.

• 0:35Speaker 02

  From the mushroom trial?

• 0:36Speaker 01

  From the mushroom trial for, if anyone doesn't know, there's a trial going on in Australia at the moment. A woman is accused of murdering some of her family members.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  By poisoning them?

• 0:43Speaker 01

  By poisoning them with mushrooms that she picked.

• 0:46Speaker 03

  Erin Patterson.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  Erin Patterson.

• 0:48Speaker 02

  Oh, that's desperate. What a desperate thing to do to someone.

• 0:50Speaker 01

  We don't know. She did it in Australia, allegedly.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  Allegedly, okay, fine.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  But there's another.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  I'm gonna make you a beef Wellington when you come over.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  I don't eat mushrooms.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Do you not eat mushrooms?

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Ah, no, I do, yeah.

• 1:02Speaker 02

  God, I love an old mushroom.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  I do, yeah. Oh, yeah, one of the jurors was sent off. He was sacked for talking about the trial with his family and friends. But I was like, I wouldn't last a day on a jury. I'd be coming here telling the story on the podcast tonight. I couldn't keep it to myself at all.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  There is probably a reason we've never been asked to be on a jury. We have got big mates.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, those blabber mates. But there is another story coming out of Australia. Let me get this now. Woman who planned to sell human toes regurgitated by dogs avoids jail in Melb... Woman who planned to sell human dogs, sorry.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  Human toes?

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Sorry. Woman who planned to sell human toes regurgitated by dogs avoids jail in Melbourne court sentencing. Joanna Catherine Kinman, 48, was working at an animal shelter when she found body parts of dog's owner who had died of natural causes. So someone died of natural causes.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Gross.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  And his dogs chewed his fucking toes off, swallowed them, then were put into a shelter and regurgitated them. Hell. Now, that to me is, so this woman was trying to sell them on the internet, reckoned she was gonna get, guess how much she thought she was gonna get for the human toes regurgitated by the dogs?

• 2:11Speaker 02

  Fifteen grand.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  Twenty.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Higher?

• 2:15Speaker 01

  Nope, way less.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  One grand.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Four hundred dollars.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  What?

• 2:19Speaker 01

  You wouldn't get two areas of Botox for that.

• 2:21Speaker 02

  Why would you bother?

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Four hundred dollars. The dogs peed the toes up.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  She took the toes. Put them in a jar.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  It's mad.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. Somehow got stung.

• 2:32Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  The dogs have been surrendered to the shelter at the death of their owner. They keep saying he died of natural causes, but the dogs still ate him anyway, which I find shocking. Is that just the deal? If you lie around a dog long enough, they just eat you.

• 2:43Speaker 02

  So I will tell you one thing, right? Cats will eat you immediately. They don't even care if there's like, if there's food left out for them, they'll go for you and they'll start in your nose straight away. Dogs will only eat you if they're absolutely starving. Why would he go for the toes first? So that's an unusual place to start, isn't it?

• 3:00Speaker 01

  Imagine your dog swallowing your toes whole like an oyster.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  And to chew them, to bite them off full.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  And then be able to regurgitate them whole to the point where this woman can sell them as human toes.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  How insane is she? I'd be very concerned about her, her mental health because taking toes home and trying to sell the toes, like one, it's one thing keeping the toes for your own personal like collection to look at.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  Your little freak shelf, yeah.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is so weird. But then going to sell the toes, that, the selling's a bit much for me.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Later, during a phone call with her daughter, Kinman discussed how she planned to sell the toes online and said research suggested she could get as much as $400. Police subsequently arrived at her Lilydale home after a tip off from an unknown source. She made full admissions to possessing the remains and intending to sell them online. She showed the police where the jar with the dogs was located, beside other oddities, including an alligator claw, a bird skull, a guinea pig trotter and her children's teeth.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  She should have just ca- she should have just, this is, she collects weird stuff, obviously.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  She was obviously going, I can make a couple of quid off this. So my pray, I'm praying that Winnie eats your knickers before you die and I'll sell them online.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  God, that's absolutely revolting.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Or Burgy, which one's the younger one?

• 4:10Speaker 02

  She would eat the knickers.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Do you remember that story? I told it before, but it still makes me laugh when I was, um.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Dogs will eat your knickers, all knickers. Dogs will eat the knickers and sometimes they'll just eat the crotch of the knickers.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Well, that was the story.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's grim. They're grim. Oh, God. It's better than eating my toes.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  I was in bed with them.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Have all the knickers you want.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  I was in bed with the man. And we were.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  I was in bed with a la- I was in bed with my boyfriend at the time. We were having an afternoon ride. As is, as is our right.

• 4:40Speaker 02

  God, how glamorous are you? An afternoon delight.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  I know, yeah. I was wearing a thong and when I looked down the side of the bed after the, his dog had eaten the crotch out of the knickers, it was just a bit of string there.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  That's horrendous.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  Guys, how do I change my algorithm? Like, I'm, I'm at a point now where if people open my phone and I'm not looking, it's really strange.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  If you go in and clicked it not interested on all the stories.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Okay, because it's just a lot of just gross stuff.

• 5:12Speaker 03

  Go down and click on all the stuff you're actually not interested in, like pictures of steam trains. Click on all of that stuff and then it will think you like steam trains.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  I had a similar situation where I feel nauseous when I look at patterns, like holes really close together. Trypophobia or something, Jo? Can you fact check my phone?

• 5:29Speaker 02

  People don't like when they see holes, like loads of holes.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Makes me get sick.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  It is a bit gross.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Kendall Jenner has it as well, so I'm in good company. Apparently it's something to do with, um, kind of your cave hon.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  Trypophobia.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Trypophobia, your cave hon, that it's to keep you away from poisonous plants. So the, the, like, anything patterned like that close together makes me actually feel physically sick. I used to have nightmares about potatoes sprouting, or that I'd be having.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  That's a bit grim.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Or there was a friend of mine, Orla has it as well, she used to have nightmares about kidney beans coming out her skin.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  So can you eat kidney beans?

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just can't look at holes close together, those sea urchins and stuff, anything like that. But then it's, I do exposure therapy where I look at it for ages and it, the nausea kind of passes.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  Joanne's doing exposure therapy on herself.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I can be in a room with a potato, basically.

• 6:17Speaker 02

  Do you know, and you need to be.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Like holy potato, anything like that.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  I, uh, one thing that I actually can't stand that I realised when we were doing, and I didn't know how much I hated it. Chalk, I can't touch it. I don't like looking at people touching it, or I don't like drawing with it. I don't like chalk.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you, in school, did you, were you given the job of going down and banging the dusters?

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Oh my God, I remember that job.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Remember banging the dusters?

• 6:39Speaker 02

  Everyone's dying for that job.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Do you ever bang a duster in your time?

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Like chalk blackboard?

• 6:43Speaker 01

  That's how old I am, like a Victorian child.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  We were.

• 6:47Speaker 02

  How did you?

• 6:48Speaker 01

  What? Oh my god, you're so hip.

• 6:51Speaker 02

  What age are you?

• 6:52Speaker 03

  I'll be thirty four this year.

• 6:54Speaker 02

  God, they, well, really, when did chalkboards go out there? I don't know.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  Probably just before I got to school.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  I'm turned forty two, you're now, you're looking down the barrel of forty.

• 7:02Speaker 02

  I know.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Now all the kids are using iPads and all. In our day, it was just string, it was a string joke and a slap around the ear.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  All right, do you remember when, do you remember ECDL, when the computer studies came in and we got to go to computer?

• 7:14Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  If you don't remember that, oh my god, I loved that.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Well, I, I'm a couple of years out of the new, we were just like, we were kind of just wheeled in huge, these huge televisions.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  Oh, I love.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  And forced to watch Forrest Gump for religion.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  Sorry, do you remember?

• 7:26Speaker 01

  What education that gave us, I have no idea.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  I think that's a good education, Forrest Gump's is a lovely movie.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  The teacher was on a fucking jolly.

• 7:33Speaker 02

  I remember, do you remember when you can get those watches that had TV switches, remotes on them? And we used to, when the TV, when we, you'd have the TV roll in, I remember that, and if we'd all turn it off, it was hilarious.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  The Casio calculator watches, yeah. And another thing I have to, oh my god, I have to, this is, I'm, I'm, I've gone straight down nostalgia lane.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  This is so nostalgic, I love this.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  I've gone straight down nostalgia lane.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  What did you used to have for lunch in school?

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Oh, great question.

• 7:57Speaker 02

  Oh, well, our canteen was desperate, and I feel bad saying that because one of my, Megan, my friend, knows the canteen lady's still there. Sorry, you did canteen, I didn't realise.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Because you're raised in the UK.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Sorry, when I say canteen, it was a buttered roll or a plain roll.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  Oh, you had a shop.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  And then you'd put your crisps in the buttered roll.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, when we got to, when we got to, the older girls had like a, like a kitchen room, but just had a microwave in it. And a kettle, but that was the sixties, I got that, so they were allowed to have pot noodles and all, it was very chic.

• 8:26Speaker 02

  Oh, in sixties, I was going through a phase of only eating half a bag of Special K, so that's all I had.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Of course, the Special K diet, I mean, who, who didn't benefit from that nutritious

• 8:37Speaker 01

  life lesson. And Andy for Special K, the Special K diet, two bowls of no nutrition cardboard, with skinny milk, and then you were allowed to have a cheese slice for dinner.

• 8:46Speaker 02

  But if you look at, so you know the way you have like Cocoa Pops or something at the weekend, because they'd be like a really big, in fairness, I have to be honest, I was, I'd have Cocoa Pops whenever I wanted. But like this morning, she, she was.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Andrew was a hands-off mom, we know that.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  She really won't. I said to Sven today, she was like, was I a big baby? And Sven was like, yeah, nine pounds. And I was like, wow, I can't believe you remember that. And he was like, what do you mean? He's my son. I was like, I asked my mom what I weighed and she said, are you joking me?

• 9:13Speaker 01

  She wouldn't know.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  She wouldn't know what I weighed, or I wanted to do the thing where you got your stars done.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  From when you were born. And I asked her what time I was born and she's, are you off your cotton picking tree?

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  I was like, oh, sorry, mom, you might remember something about my gorgeous birth.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  I do think there's two, there's different types of parents, though. There's the ones that have their star charts and their child's, like, they know all their details. She was fucking adopted. She didn't even bother her hell giving births.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  I actually forgot about that.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Pat's like, I'll collect her when she's eighteen months old. Let someone else do the heavy lifting. You know, they used to do that back in like Victorian, that they used to send their kids off to get like raised and potty trained and all that. And then they'd come back when they were three.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Like a puppy.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  That'd be great.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Isn't it? I mean, that's very much what my mothering style would be and very much what Pat's was.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  I don't, that wasn't, that wasn't Pat. I'd say Pat was a full on mom.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Ah, yeah. Once we arrived, she was very hands on. Sorry, back to the, back to where this all began.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  School.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  Banging the chalk dusters. She'd be sent out. This was a blackboard, Jo. It was before computers.

• 10:22Speaker 03

  I have seen them in sort of olden times pictures.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Olden times pictures, yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  It's been bad for us to be banging those things, though.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  It was like being covered in, what's that stuff that they are always suing for when it gets released to?

• 10:33Speaker 02

  Asbestos.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Asbestos. I'm sure there's a legal case to take against the Reda doggy primary school for sending me out on the regular. Covered in that chalky shit asbestos.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  You went to the Reda doggy primary school as well?

• 10:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that was public. Or it's in private over here. Very confusing. It's all strange over here. It was like, it wasn't fee pay.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  It wasn't fee pay?

• 10:52Speaker 01

  No, the primary wasn't. And then we'd boys up to first class and then they got rid of them.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  Only up to first class? Yeah, I like that.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  And they were sent out to Harald's.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  I like that the kids are in a mixed school.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so too, because we got, we turned it like, no, no, no, I don't, actually, no, sorry, I forgot. I don't agree.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  I forgot.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  I forgot. I forgot my, I forgot my opinion on that.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Oh, well, I'm talking about primary school.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, primary. But the studies show that girls do better and all. Girl schools because they're not as concerned with.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  With the way they look.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, and trying to play dumb in front of boys, whereas boys perform well in both because they don't give a shit. It's cool for a boy to be smart, whereas girls tend to dumb themselves down. Not always, but I was glad that I had no distractions. Because I was so boy mad. Like I'd walk into a lamppost if one passed me in the street. So there was no hope for me if I was sitting across one in class.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't think I was that interested in them until I was slightly older, probably because they weren't very interested in me.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Oh, it didn't matter. None of them were interested in me. It didn't matter. That didn't matter. I was the one that they'd go up and ask if they could shift my friend. Do you know what I mean? They'd be coming towards me and I'd be like, here we go.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, flicking my nipples, getting all ready and then they'd be like.

• 12:00Speaker 02

  Did you ever get dumped?

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Did you ever meet me? Did you ever get dumped by someone where they're like 20 metres away and they're looking at you and their friend came over to dump you and you'd be like? Yeah, because you're not taking the 12 steps.

• 12:14Speaker 02

  Trying, and you're trying not to look at them being like, yeah, fine.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're like, I was gonna, I was literally just about to do it myself.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  That's fine. I'm glad, I'm glad you, I'm glad you did it first.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  I was literally about to do it. I remember breaking up with one of my, I, I had more men as a child, which is, it doesn't sound right at all. I had more partners before I was 12 years of age than I've ever had since. I had a boyfriend every second week.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  When did you first start noticing boys?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Oh, straight out the gap.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Really?

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  Because T, for the first time, right, we were at this party the other day in the park and there was, his class was there, but then the older sister was there. And all of a sudden, because I didn't recognise her, because obviously I only know the kids in his class. And so this little girl, gorgeous little girl, really long hair, T is like literally her shadow for the whole time, following around the park. And I'm like, who's this girl? Is she part of the party? And then I met the mom, she goes, oh yeah, that's, that's the older sister. And T goes to me the other day, he was like, can I have a playdate? And I was like, I know exactly where this is going. And he was like, can I have a playdate with blah from the party? And I was like, well, no, we, we're trying to have playdates with people from the class at the moment.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  Whereas this has people.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Go on, T.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  The next day, the next day, the next day, he's like. Can I have a playdate with the brother? And I was like, oh.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Oh, smart.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  And if the sister wants to come too, she can. But like, I want to have the playdate with the brother. So now the two of them are going over today and he's absolutely delighted.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  He adores into older women. I love this for him. It'll be me next.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Anyone.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  It will be anyone older. I'm very popular with the younger men.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  Anyone older. I saw him waving at this girl. She must have been 11 today. I was like, who's that? Who is that?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  What age is he now?

• 13:57Speaker 02

  Six.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Oh, he's very taken with the older ones now.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  He feels really cool when he's like hanging out with another person.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  I remember that as well, like, because you don't, well, I suppose he does. He's in a mixed school, but when I was younger, you don't have access to that many members of the opposite sex if you're a straight baby. And if you're a gay baby, you're fucking flying. If you're in a period of single sex girl.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  You're a straight baby.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Straight baby, you're kind of stuck for choices. So like, you know, you're crushes on your cousins and all, because they're like, they're the only ones you have access to. I had a massive crush on Pat Kenny, which I've spoken about here.

• 14:30Speaker 02

  Pat Kenny?

• 14:31Speaker 01

  I've spoken about this on this podcast several times, folks, several times. Because he was, he presented the Late Late Show in Ireland. And to me, that was a powerful position. So I'd sit there drooling at this man. I could have been nine years of age.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  My auntie's really good. Sharon's really good friends with him.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Oh, should I have met him? I've met him. I did his radio show.

• 14:48Speaker 03

  He's only 77.

• 14:54Speaker 02

  You're the captain of the Titanic. I'm first on the lifeboat. Sorry, I am. So you'd have to prove yourself with those hands.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  Man or woman, whatever I am.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  No, no, no. You're supposed to be up putting women on the boats.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  No, no, I'm going before anyone. I'll know. I'll know what's happening to the boat. I'll be off on my own.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  I have fallen head over heels in love with someone. I offered him up to you, you declined. Oh, I know. Who? No, not Pierce Brosnan. Have you seen his Irish accent in that show? I can't.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  How could an Irish man fuck up an Irish accent?

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Oh no, it's like, it's.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  He's been way too long.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  It's not good.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  He's taken too much soup.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  They say you're taking the soup, yeah. For the, during the famine and all, it was like if you were fed by the English, you were kind of letting yourself down. I think that's it. Also, they say if you come to the UK, you have to lose the Mac in your name. Like, so I should just be Joanne Nally now?

• 15:48Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Because the Mac is the Irish bit. Don't quote me on any of this.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  If we've been making this podcast for four years, have you taken the soup?

• 15:54Speaker 01

  Oh, we've taken the soup.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Let me tell you what, I would take the soup.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  The soup and the mains.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  Anyway, my crush.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 16:01Speaker 02

  Kevin Costner. I've started watching Yellow Stone.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  Do you watch Yellow Stone?

• 16:04Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:05Speaker 02

  You, Kevin Costner, in the gilets, he's got the popped collar.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  I love a gilet, I love a man in a gilet.

• 16:10Speaker 02

  Well, the cowboy hat, Spencer's like, shut up. The other night I was like, they were, honestly, do you think if, just one question, and he's like, if you're gonna ask me about Kevin Costner again, and I'm like, I am. Do you think Kevin Costner would fancy me? And he was like, yeah, and it made me so happy.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  I'd say he definitely was.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  I think, I think I could get him.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd say if that man's got game.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  I.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  And he's, if he's seventy-seven, no, sorry, that was.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  How old is, how old is Kevin Costner?

• 16:37Speaker 02

  He was topless in, in the show the other night, and I was like, whoa.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  Seventy.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  Seventy, he's only a spring chicken.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Seventy and you're kind of forty now. You're, you'd be like, young on to him.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  Tell me about your birthday, please.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Oh, my birthday? Well, I'm forty-two now, as I said, as I keep saying, forty-two, forty-two. I, I'm, I'm not, I'm funny about birthdays.

• 16:58Speaker 02

  How is it four, two years since your fortieth? I don't understand that, because remember we were talking about your fortieth all the time?

• 17:03Speaker 01

  With the top, we're doing this four years now. Five years?

• 17:06Speaker 03

  Four.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Four years we're doing this.

• 17:08Speaker 02

  God, how have we not.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Can you believe that?

• 17:09Speaker 02

  How have we not guilt each other?

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Four years since I spread fake tan on you in your bedroom and your little lightbulb head went off and went, I think there's business in this.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  I think we'll get on very well together.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  Four years we're doing this podcast, folk, and we're both still alive.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  I know, it's really incredible. And Joe, Joe's hanging on by a thread, but he's still there.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  Joe's, Joe's quit several times, we always get him back. It's always storming out round Tantys. Tearing his little toys into the clam, yeah. We're like, Joe, get back in here, no one else wants you, mate.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Whatever, Joe.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  We're the only ones who'll have you. I know, um, do you know what, folk? We've navigated all sorts, haven't we?

• 17:46Speaker 02

  Like what?

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Tours and.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Yes, tours.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Scandals, contracts.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  Why is it always me in the scandal though? It's always me.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Well, I know, I, I, I like to keep a little. Well, I don't, it's not like I'm intentionally keeping a low profile, I just have, I just have one.

• 18:00Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get you a scandal this year, I've decided.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  I wouldn't mind a bit of a scandal now, just to up things a little bit.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Quite a big one, to be honest.

• 18:07Speaker 01

  It's time, I, I, I was disappointed I didn't get Celebrity Traitors, so I'm in the market for a scandal.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  I was disappointed, well, I wasn't, I didn't really think I'd get that, but I really wanted to.

• 18:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was kind, there was chat.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  Oh, God. I'm jealous of that, that is like, that's gonna be such.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  I would have loved us. It's very rare, I'm not, I don't do much telly really. I'm not in the telly, I'm not in the, I'm not in the telly circles, but I, when there was a bit of chat about that, I was like, oh, yeah.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  I think I would have been really shy around you if you'd done it, because I would have just become such a mega fan then, and I wouldn't have been able.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Well, it's nice when it takes something for you to respect me.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  No, I'll fancy you, I'll fancy you when I see you at your show.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  That's when I'll fancy you again.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  You'll be, yeah, writing up, she'll do, she's like a neuter dog. Mumping my leg after the show and I'm like, folk, please, show yourself.

• 18:55Speaker 02

  Scratching at the dressing room door. Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready?

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Lipstick popping out. Not with a dog, Tom.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get you a scandal, I'm sick of being the one that has the scandals, but, do you know what, I, I, do you remember I said to you, I was like, I, I kinda can't wait till they move on to the next person, which is a terrible thing to say, but they always do. Who's the next person?

• 19:18Speaker 01

  In the UK or in American states?

• 19:20Speaker 02

  In the UK.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't know, who's the next person?

• 19:22Speaker 02

  Uh, Brooklyn Beckham and his wife.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  Oh, I have seen this, yes.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Brooklyn Beckham and his wife Nicola Pelts, it's said that they've fallen out with the family. He didn't go to David Beckham's 50th birthday. And I do think that there's probably truth behind that, that they've had a bit of a family fallout.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  But I do find it fascinating to watch what the press do around them. Like, all of a sudden Nicola Pelts is the wicked witch of the east that's pulled. She's, she's, uh, what, what would you say?

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Homewrecker.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  She's like a homewrecker. She took Brooklyn Beckham from his family and her, that was her plan all along. And it's just like, do you know what? It's just, why is it always the woman? She's pulled a Meghan Markle, they've said. She pulled, her whole intention was to pull him away from his family. Nobody knows what they're fighting about.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  I know.

• 20:11Speaker 02

  They, I think they're definitely fighting, but they don't, we don't know what they're fighting about. But I just find it really funny how it's always the woman. Why is it her? Her, and also they can't really say, oh, she only married him for money or she only married him for this and that. Because her dad is a billionaire, her dad is richer than the Beckhams.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, the narrative is always that men are thick as shit and they don't know anything and they can't make any decisions. They have no autonomy, they have no mental independence and that women just guide them round like fucking ferrets.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  And that they don't make any decisions for themselves and that we're there with our cauldron.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  And our Ouija boards.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  And our, what are those dolls that you stick the sticks in? Voodoo dolls, making all the decisions.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  And that men.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Turn them against their family just for your own gain.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  We just lead them off like they're just pets, like little goats, like farm goats.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  This narrative has kind of been going on quite a long time between them though as well because he, when he moved to America.

• 21:05Speaker 01

  By the way, there is truth to that.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Truth to us.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  We are, we do guide them round a bit, they are, sometimes they are.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  You have to guide them slightly, but it doesn't mean you're pulling, you're not pulling them away from, we're not pulling them away from your family.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  No.

• 21:18Speaker 02

  And even with the Meghan Markle stuff.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  But we are more formidable, I would say.

• 21:22Speaker 02

  I, but like with the Meghan Markle stuff, it's like, okay, it's just easy. Of course she's not everybody's cup of tea, but it's easy to say that she is the one that's like dragging. But Prince Harry's going on TV and he is saying some mad shit and she's not there behind him, controlling him like a ventriloquist. He's doing that himself.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  If she does have power, she needs to tell him to stop wearing that cowboy hat at the Carter tour. Cause that was not a good choice for him. If she has any sway, Meghan, if you listen. Please step in. If you have the power, we think you do. Prince Harry in a cowboy hat. It was too much for me.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Do you know what? It was a bit funky, you'd say about him because he's really uncool. So it's like, oh wow, look, Prince Harry looks funky.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit funky. Yeah, exactly. Funky is like the term my mum uses for runners that have big shoelaces.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Do you know that's kind of like skate or what? Because they're very funky. Yeah. But you, did you hear that Nicola and?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Brooklyn.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Brooklyn and Meghan.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  He takes fantastic pictures. Have you ever seen his book?

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Harry, God love him. That's what happens when your parents are billionaires. Nicola and Brooklyn and Meghan and Harry are all having dinner together now because Meghan and Nicola are like this shared experience of being kind of cast out from a family or being accused of stealing a man from his own family. So they're all having dinner in LA together with Harry's cowboy hat. That's what I heard.

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Honestly, it was so.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  They're serving canapes out of the hat and they're having nibbles.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Picky bits out of the hat.

• 22:47Speaker 02

  They made a big nachos for him.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  The guac's in the hat, guys. If you want the guac, it's on the patio. It's in the cowboy hat, yeah. Harry, just roll up that thing, girl. He absolutely loves it.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, I just find the whole thing just, now in fairness, I don't, I like, I keep doing it that way. I like that they're the narrative at the moment. I don't want to.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  I know.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  The narrative's so bad.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Isn't it terrible though? Because you're like, you see, you, you, we don't want it, we don't want this, we don't want any attention on ourselves in that way. But we're happy to read about negative attention towards someone else. I know, we're part of the problem, Jo. We're part of the problem.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  I'll be honest, I only read the headlines and as I said, um.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  That's just for time.

• 23:28Speaker 02

  But that's like, but that's like the, it's, it's the clickbaity stuff that is like, and then you could read something. It's like, hang on, that's got absolutely nothing to do with that.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  Katy Perry had a good moment this week.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Because she needs one.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  She really needs one.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  I've only seen the bad dancing.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  She really needs one. Katy Perry, and I was like, yes, go Katy.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Can I just say one thing? I, I just, it's, it's nice to see her on stage dancing like that because as somebody who also can't dance, I like that. You don't always have to be the best.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  No, exactly. And Katy Perry was never a dancer.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  No, she's a great singer and I like her music.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  And she's a great performer and she's a great entertainer.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Entertainer, yes.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  So anyway, she was doing this sold out arena show in Chicago. Sold out, people coming in from the rafters and she was like, oh, and they tell me I'm the most hated person on the internet. And everyone clapped and whooped and cheered. And I thought, yes, Katy, because she's, she's, she was like, when the internet decides to make you a human pinata.

• 24:24Speaker 02

  Oh god, yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  You sense love back because the internet is full of unhealed and hurt people. And I was like, it's true. And when, I don't know how she's coping with it. I mean, obviously there's bigger shit going on in the world, but I think to get that much hate, I just thought it was so nice that physically, tangibly, she had a big sell out show. People were clapping and loving her work. And she acknowledged it and she's like, I'm supposed to be the most hated person on the internet, but you're all here and isn't this a lovely event? And I said, go Katy.

• 24:49Speaker 02

  I'd say when you look at people like that.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Maybe take a dance class. Use one in an afternoon. Don't go full time.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  Have you seen how much dancing I've done? And I'm still shit.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  How much dancing have you done? You did a crash course.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  I don't know. I used to do dancing when I was growing up, honestly. So I've just got, I've actually got no excuse. It's just some people can't dance.

• 25:08Speaker 01

  Some people can't. I don't have a huge.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  I still haven't seen that street dancing video that you.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Mm, they're always threatening to whip base.

• 25:12Speaker 03

  We need to see that.

• 25:13Speaker 02

  Oh, I will. Well, the problem is that was with my ex-partner, so I don't really want everyone to start spreading that around again, although actually if anyone wants to, I, I do really good dancing in that.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  What?

• 25:22Speaker 03

  What, when you was a kid?

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry. Oh, take that back.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, what do you mean?

• 25:26Speaker 02

  On the internet, me and my ex-husband used to do, we did a dance show together.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Oh, sorry. Yeah. No, no, we meant the street dancing one.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Go watch, go watch me doing my dance to Rita Ora. He fell over a light and fell on his arse. And I kept dancing and my dancing in that is brilliant, brilliant dancing. I'm doing head rolls and everything.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Really?

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Whipping my hair around.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  I don't imagine I'd have a huge amount of rhythm either now, to be fair. I can, I can rave. I can do the nineties dance things like packing the shelves and smacking the fish.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  I wouldn't know what you're good at, honestly, because.

• 26:00Speaker 02

  You surprise me all the time with things.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  I definitely, I wouldn't be able to do any of the Strictly dancing or anything like that.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  It's really, it's like, I think that, I think they always choose somebody as well from the strict, from the Christmas special to do it because I don't think people realise how intense it is.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  You have a minimum amount of hours of dancing you have to do a week, which is like 12. You're never going to learn the whole dance and do well in 12 hours. So you have to, like, people are doing like 50 hours a week and stuff like that because you want to do well, you kind of get into the vibe of the competition.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  I would also cheat.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  I do, you just can't.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  I cheat, no I would, I'd go to, if I got booked to do it, and I don't, I don't want to do it because I can't dance, it's not, it's not for me, it's just not for me, I wouldn't enjoy it. But if I did decide to do it and I was offered it, I would go to like Mexico and literally train as a Cuban dancer for six months and then come back and.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  For six months, I mean, that's a lot of work for the show, isn't it?

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, maybe I'd do.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Okay, I do a weekend, I do a weekend dance start in London.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Who's competitive?

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Observe the North American dad. 50s, great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, dang, that's a good offer. The highest form of approval. No haggling, no hassle, no one called him boss. He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Jo, we're going to Wimbledon. Do you want to know?

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Hmm?

• 27:34Speaker 02

  Do you want to know?

• 27:34Speaker 01

  I'm gonna go full tennis.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  If going to Wimbledon isn't taking the soup.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  Excuse me, Jo?

• 27:39Speaker 01

  Jo!

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Pardon?

• 27:40Speaker 01

  How dare you!

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Absolutely dare.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Just another little plug for myself. I've had an extra Amsterdam, there's still tickets to Berlin. Stockholm, Copenhagen, Oslo.

• 27:54Speaker 02

  I actually had someone mail me about getting you to go in the piss with them in Stockholm and I was like, I don't know if she's gonna do that. She might be busy after the show.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  I don't think I'll be busy.

• 28:03Speaker 02

  I think you're gonna go, you're gonna go in the piss with the audiences in those, in the European cities.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, when the rooms are small enough, you go out in the piss with the audience.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  Tell me about your birthday. What did you do?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  My birthday? So I'm funny about my, not funny about my birthday, but I, I do, you know, when people go heavy on their birthday, it's like, we all have one. Do you know when people go really heavy on their birthday?

• 28:22Speaker 02

  I know, I'm having, I'm, I'm, to be honest with you, I'm gonna have a few birthdays this year.

• 28:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's your 40th.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm gonna do it for that. And then I'll stop again.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Like, I went out with a guy once who had, like a grown man who had a birthday week. He'd have a whole week.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  Some people have a birthday month.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  You're in your 40s, like a grown man.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  I know, somebody's like, oh, start of my birthday month. I'm like, no, no.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, birthday month, come on, we all have birthdays.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, sorry.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Come on. You know, it's not like a talent.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  Stop enjoying life that much, for fuck's sake.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Stop enjoying yourself.

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Excuse you.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  Stop enjoying yourself.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  You can have a day.

• 28:50Speaker 01

  Stop enjoying your existence and so much stuff.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  That's too much, actually.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Stop celebrating yourself so much. So I never really have birthday parties or anything. Like, I don't think I've ever had a birthday party, not since I was about nine or 10.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  Well, I've been to a couple of your parties. Come on, we went out for dinner and stuff like that for your birthday.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, but it'd be very, yeah, it'd be like, I wouldn't spend the day, otherwise you'd just spend the day crying alone in the bath. Like, I have to do something.

• 29:09Speaker 02

  You've gotta do something to mark it.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  You gotta do something or you end up feeling very sorry for yourself.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  And I feel like you put pressure on yourself even for your day of birth. It's like, oh, I have to do something now in that day.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  I don't mind the day. I like having, I like, don't, don't get me wrong. I'm not, I'm not, I don't like completely ignore my birthday, but I wouldn't be a big party person. I also don't like the pressure of inviting people because I don't go to a lot of stuff myself. Like, I'm an absolute flake.

• 29:30Speaker 02

  See, I couldn't give a shit if no one comes because I know that I'll be there. So once I'm there.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  At your own party.

• 29:35Speaker 02

  And a couple of friends, I'm fine.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:37Speaker 02

  But I over-invite so then I know that like I'll get a half a decent.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like a flight. You overbook.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's exactly what I do, yeah. And sometimes there's some people pissed off because they have to wait.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:48Speaker 02

  And they don't know if they're getting enough.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  You're gonna have to wait till next year.

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  The party, but the party plan is all.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  Top, top, top, there's not even room in business. Sorry, you're gone.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  Remove your luggage, please.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  But anyway, this year I did something very unusual for me. I had a family birthday party, not a family, I had a family dinner. Even my mother was like, Joanne, this is, you've never done this in your life. You've never invited the family to anything.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Where did you invite them? Who did you invite? Your brother and your mum?

• 30:16Speaker 01

  So I went out, I took myself out to Paris Court Hotel in Wicklow, which is stunning.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  The gym there is amazing.

• 30:23Speaker 01

  Gym's amazing.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  The buffet breakfast is the best I've ever had.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Buffet breakfast is stunning.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  I haven't had that in years though.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  It's gore, it's very bougie. But Jo, the great thing about, so I had a family dinner, all my family were just in shock that it was happening. And they're like, this is highly irregular, Joanne. My brother was like, you want me and mum to come out and have dinner with you for your birthday? I was like, yeah. He's like, have you had a lobotomy or something? I was like, I don't know what's wrong. It may be because I'm aging or something. I don't know, I'm nesting. I don't know what it is.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  No, I think that you're very family oriented.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Anyway, so I would, I would never really do anything for the birthday. So when we did, we had a gorgeous dinner in Paris Court for the birthday. But the great thing about being in Paris Court Hotel is, for anyone looking for a bougie night away, is because it's near Ardmore Studios. And Ardmore Studios is wild, doing wild business at the moment.

• 31:11Speaker 02

  Jamie Foxx and stuff is out there.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  I didn't see Jamie Foxx, but apparently they're filming that. This shows you how, I don't know what, what making TV in America is like, but they fly Jamie Foxx over to stay in Paris Court for a month. He makes a quiz show in Ardmore, a game show. They fly in the audience from the States and everything.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Well, because it's way cheaper.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. But how much cheaper must it be?

• 31:35Speaker 02

  Way, because remember that show that I did, The Big Deal?

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  And we shot that in the Three Arena. And basically, it was cheaper for them to record an entire series in Ireland.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  Than it was to record the pilot in America.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  It's mad. Must be because they're so heavily unionised in the States. I don't know.

• 31:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Crazy. Anyway, so this, it's, it's got this real vibe of you don't know who you're gonna see, because all the actors and stuff from Ardmore, and they've just finished making this big American film in there as well. That's your man, Leo Woodall's girlfriend's in it. Megan Fahy, your one from White Lauter, she's made some big film out there. Do you know who I did see? Now, I didn't see Jamie Foxx. I was keeping an eye, but he wasn't there.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Who?

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Robert Lowe.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  The American fella? Rob Lowe, Rob, I just don't know, ah, Rob.

• 32:20Speaker 01

  Rob Lowe.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  L O W E, yeah, he's a right.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  He was trying to keep a low profile, but I, I saw him.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Did you go?

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Roberto, I said, I know that's you, buddy.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  Did you start screaming across the hallway, being like, Rob?

• 32:34Speaker 01

  He was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, but I spotted him. So that was a bit of a buzz.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  Well, I, you were staying in the Shelbourne the night of your birthday, when you went home and you stayed in the Shelbourne with your friend. And I thought I'd be really nice and, because I didn't know what to get Joanne for her birthday, so I, I sent you a bottle of champagne. But I rang them and I was like, hi, my friend Joanne is, and there's a big, there's a whole thing about getting you the champagne because they need your email. They have to send you something, I have to fill out a form. So it's not just like, put a bottle of champagne in the room.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 02

  And I was like, would you mind putting a card in for me as well? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, eh, can you say, hey, Joanne? Happy birthday, you mad bitch. And he was like, I'm really sorry, but I can't write that on the card. And I was like, I was like, oh, eh, and then I felt really embarrassed of myself. I was like, ah, hi, Joanne, happy birthday. You're mad bitch, can you say bitch?

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. So did he say that he wouldn't say it to you?

• 33:24Speaker 02

  He wouldn't put bitch on.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  That's so funny.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  I know, they're so fancy.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Because I, when I read the card, because I didn't realise for ages that that champagne was from you, I just thought the Shelbourne ring really sounded.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Because as much as I talk about, oh, I don't want to make a big deal of my birthday, there gets to the stage where you're checking into hotels. Hotels are like, you want to tell them it's your birthday, because then they leave you little macaroons and all.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  Sorry, do you remember my birthday, when I went to, to that place in, what's it called in Italy? That really nice place.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  Mal, Malta.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  That Malty. And they set up this whole like trellis of a.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Because it was your birthday?

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, of a love heart. And Svenny had gone running and I had to sit and have breakfast on my own in this love heart trellis with all these rose petals everywhere.

• 34:00Speaker 01

  I don't care. Yeah, the hotels where you want to say, it's your birthday, honeymoon, anniversary and your parents are dead. Sorry, it's your birthday, anniversary, honeymoon. You want all the sympathy from your one at the desk. Because then they fill your room with fun things like petals and macaroons and fizzy drinks. And I thought, I thought, because I threw the birthday in at the desk when I checked into Shelbourne, so I thought the champagne was from the Shelbourne. But it was from Vogue.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  They should have thrown you another bottle there, in fairness.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  They did, there was a bottle of something else in the room.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Stop you two balls. He made light work of that.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  Come here to me.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  No, don't.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  I want to tell you about a famous person I met this week. And I've always loved her from afar. Emma Willis.

• 34:41Speaker 01

  The hot one married to your man from the band.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  Really hot one that looks like a wolf. A gorgeous wolf.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, sexy wolf.

• 34:47Speaker 02

  So I met her and I was really, I was so.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  There's a lot of Emmas in the biz, isn't there? A lot of Emmas.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  Emma Bunton, who else?

• 34:52Speaker 01

  I was thinking, well, I was thinking of your one Emma, who won the Oscar in the States.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Emma Thompson?

• 34:57Speaker 01

  No, the other one. God, there's loads of them.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  I think if you're in entertainment. Emma Stone?

• 35:01Speaker 01

  Emma Stone.

• 35:01Speaker 02

  Oh, I love Emma Stone. There's Emma Watson, of course. Who's Emma Watson?

• 35:06Speaker 01

  I passed Emma Willis in the.

• 35:07Speaker 02

  Harry Potter.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  And I was like, she's.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  I know.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  She's a, she's a very handsome woman.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  I got a bit of a fright. You know, when someone's so hot, you're like, oh, Jesus. Like, because I knew she was good looking from seeing her, but then when you see her in real life and she's that good looking in real life as well, it's like, oh, my God.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  And he's looking well, he's looking well himself.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  He looks great. I was hoping she'd be a complete arsehole, but she was so sound.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Ah, you can tell she's sound.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  Really sound.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  You can just tell when people are sound.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  I don't know. I think when someone's that good looking, there is the potential that they won't be sound.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  She seems low.

• 35:36Speaker 02

  Maintenance.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Maintenance.

• 35:38Speaker 02

  Very low maintenance.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, and that's when a woman is low maintenance like that, you can tell she's sound.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  And kind to work with on TV, because you know, sometimes you would work with people and they're kind of like the star of the show and that's just kind of it.

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  She wasn't like that at all and very inviting into.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, because there's a lot of dickheads in showbiz and stuff, to be real.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think I've been kind of lucky with the dickheads. Apart from you two, I've been all right, you know?

• 35:59Speaker 01

  We've kind of, we've upped the ante, haven't we?

• 36:10Speaker 02

  You'll be glad to hear I'm going to stop going on about this, but my book is out. It's out on the 22nd, which is Tuesday. Is it Tuesday, Jo? Thursday, mate. Okay, well, there you go. It's out on Thursday. So you might hear about this again on the bonus, but it's out, it's out, it's out, it's done.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Congratulations.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  I had two space tins on the plane coming back from Dublin and I was crying after the first one.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  Why?

• 36:34Speaker 01

  I could not, I think, I think because I spent time with my family. I don't know what's happening. I think if I spent time with my family and when I, I've, I'm, I'm now obsessed with the impending death of my mother.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Oh, stop. No, you have to stop.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  It's all I can think about.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  I'll give you a book. I'll give you a book. Right?

• 36:54Speaker 01

  To distract me?

• 36:55Speaker 02

  No, a book, a book to help you come to terms with that.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Is it your book? Is this you putting your book?

• 36:59Speaker 02

  Hi, everybody. My book's out today.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Is it today?

• 37:03Speaker 02

  No, it's out on the 22nd.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  Oh, fab. Okay.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Now, these copies aren't for you because I refuse to give you a free coffee. You have to support.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  She told me yesterday she was gonna bring me in a copy of the book and now she's giving that to someone else.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Well, I actually, because I'm interviewing Ivo Graham later, so he's getting it.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, he's a good person to give the book to.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  His book is on the same, out the same day as mine, so we'll see if he posts.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  I will judge him for it.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Um, so you were crying.

• 37:25Speaker 01

  Because when I spent time with my mother and then I remember him, which I love her, and then I remember that she's getting old and then that was it. I was bawling crying and I was laughing because, like, I don't mind crying on a plane. I've no shame. Now, I do, I do keep my face to the window, but like, there was a grown man.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  Everyone can see.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  No, I was at, I was at the very, I just stand up and cry in the aisles for maximum attention.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Do you have to sit at the window?

• 37:48Speaker 01

  No, it doesn't matter.

• 37:51Speaker 01

  Um, but I was laughing because I was trying to keep a low profile on the crying. Um, but there was a grown man beside me and it was such, it was such a male response. Like, if it was a woman, and I was glad because I genuinely was mortified because I just couldn't stop. Do you know, and just, you just can't stop.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Oh, God. Oh, no. I'd ask to move.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  I just couldn't stop. And there was a, the seat between us was empty and then he was on the aisle.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  And like, he just looked and you could see he was just like, I'm fucking not getting involved. And I was like, good for you, man. Good, don't get involved because you don't know, because I will tell you.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  Don't get involved.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Don't get involved. But if there was a woman crying beside me, I'd probably get, I'd probably try and breastfeed her. I'd do something to soothe her.

• 38:26Speaker 02

  I'd do, I would do, I'd ask her if she was okay.

• 38:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, are you okay?

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  And then I'd go, what's, what's, I would. And then if she told me she was crying about the impending death of her mother, I would get involved and then start crying and telling her about the impending death of mine.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  Now, I don't think that you should say this to your mom. I know you probably already have, but like.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  Oh, it's what I talk about.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  I know, but you're gonna frighten her. That's not fair.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  She's like, I raised someone stronger than this. I was like, no, you didn't. This is what you raised. This bull branch gin drinking mess on a plane.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  How is she not scared? Because I asked my mom once and my mom said, don't say that to me. I'm not, I wouldn't like to talk about that. And I'm like, oh gosh, she's scared too.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Well, Pat's probably scared, but I'm so, I've just really taken the charge on the whole thing.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  You're just taking all the attention away.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  I'm making her death about me. Anyway, she's got loads of time left, loads of time left.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  I'd love to hear people's nostalgic things from school. If you want to send in any nostalgic things you know.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Do you remember getting the tray of milk?

• 39:19Speaker 02

  I never liked the strawberry milk though. I used to, I didn't like milk to be honest back then. I don't know what changed.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  I love milk. And remember bringing in, there's always the yogurts burst in school bags. And do you remember the smell of, do you remember the smell of wet school books?

• 39:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  You'd be walking home in the pissing rain, because obviously I was a Victorian child. And, or you'd spill your Ribeen in your bag or something and the, and the books, and then I'd leave the books and they'd go mouldy, these big mats books.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  Disgusting.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Smell of it.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  Do you remember some people used to wrap their books with a wallpaper?

• 39:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had bubble, bubble wallpaper.

• 39:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. Very interesting. So if you have anything you'd like to add, please email us in at mtgm. Fucking, I just don't.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  That is so funny.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Ghosted, what is it?

• 39:57Speaker 03

  You used to know it.

• 39:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:58Speaker 03

  I'm sure they used to not know it.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  Go on then.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  Hello at mtgm pod.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Oh, well, there she goes. She's blown me out of the water.