Pod Insights My Therapist Ghosted Me MTGM EXTRA! "Champagne!" About this episode If Joanne had known that having a husband meant getting champagne whenever she shouted for it, she would have gotten one years ago! Plus, Vogue reads a question about liking an ex's Facebook message from 13 years ago.
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This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.
Transcript 0:02 Speaker 00 This is a Global Player original podcast.
0:11 Speaker 01 Well, hello to you.
0:13 Speaker 02 Bonjour.
0:14 Speaker 01 Bonjour.
0:14 Speaker 02 Well, indeed.
0:15 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. How are you?
0:17 Speaker 02 I'm good. I'm delighted to be here for the bounce.
0:20 Speaker 01 I'm delighted on a Friday. What, do you know what? What else would I be doing on a Friday evening? Except talking to you.
0:27 Speaker 02 It's going out on Wednesday, but we have Friday vibes.
0:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, we've, it's gonna be, well, I'm not gonna say that as to jinx us.
0:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, don't jinx us. It's Patrick's weekend also.
0:37 Speaker 01 Oh, my St Patrick's bits arrived. If you, if you haven't gotten yourself any St Patrick's Day glasses or hats, I have them all here for you.
0:45 Speaker 02 Have you, did you really get little bits of Paddy's image?
0:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course. I'll send my kids into school and that. They have to know that they're Irish. It's very important.
0:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think the further you get away from home, the more nationalistic you get. I'm surprised Gigi's not in the rah.
0:59 Speaker 01 Well, don't, don't worry. She, she's got herself, she has got herself a tri-colour wig.
1:05 Speaker 02 Oh, okay. Well, that seems more, that seems like a healthier thing to do, to teach her, to teach her national history than sign her for the IRA. So, good. Yeah, they need to know. They need to know about where they're from.
1:17 Speaker 01 Joanne's kids go to the IRA. My kids just wear funny glasses and hats.
1:22 Speaker 02 I'm sorry, I don't have any kids, Vogue. Did you forget about that?
1:24 Speaker 01 If you did, my kids are in your house. Why aren't you looking after them, Vogue?
1:29 Speaker 02 Where are my kids, actually? That's more my question. You've just reminded me. I'm six. Where do they go? I like to ship them out in the weekends. I kind of, I'm happy to raise them Monday through to Thursday afternoon. But when Thursday afternoon hits, mummy likes to drink, mummy likes to brunch, mummy likes to have fun. So they, I ship them off to their fathers, whoever he is.
1:50 Speaker 02 Anyone who picks them up, I put them on the steps outside. Oh, my God. I'm, do you know, I'm actually watching the documentary, which has made me feel bad about that now, about that YouTube mother who was abusing her kids. Do you remember her?
2:05 Speaker 01 That was the saddest. Story, I haven't started watching the documentary.
2:10 Speaker 02 It's madness.
2:11 Speaker 01 Ruby Frank.
2:12 Speaker 02 Ruby Frank. She was filming her kids day in, day out. She was calling them the staff. Like, no, they were the employees of her channel. And one of them was like four. And their whole life, she filmed everything. Eight passengers or something they were called. You know, and I'm not big on the deets. Shocking. And then it's always the ones who are presenting this perfect existence. You have to be suspicious.
2:37 Speaker 01 That was very, very shocking though. Like, so one of the children escaped and had like, like cuts around his ankles and his hands from where he'd been bound and he was starving and it was absolutely terrible. And she got away with it for such a long time.
2:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:52 Speaker 01 Now, this is a different thing that happened, but did you ever hear about that influencer couple? And they were YouTubers and they basically shared their whole family. And so their whole family on YouTube and like this cute little family. And then they adopted a boy from China. This boy was their whole life, part of their family. And after like three years, all of a sudden he was just gone from all the content. And people were like, where is he? And it turned out they felt like he had needs that they couldn't.
3:19 Speaker 02 Meet.
3:20 Speaker 01 Meet. But like, whatever went down, like he was with them for three years. It was awful.
3:25 Speaker 02 I know. There was war over that because I don't know what the rules are for returning kids.
3:31 Speaker 01 You can't. I tried. I tried.
3:34 Speaker 02 Of course. I'm assuming where they, in Ireland, I would have been returned. The second I started tap dancing, Pat would have been like, get this fucking clown out of this house. Off she goes. Back to Roscommon. We can't have this. Look, she's doing spoken word at three.
3:49 Speaker 01 Oh my God, yeah. Imagine, imagine Pat just like after three years was like, nah.
3:54 Speaker 02 Nah. This is not a good fit for us.
3:56 Speaker 01 No.
3:57 Speaker 02 Do you know, they're like, do you have any good reason? Like, she's just a bit of a melt, really.
4:01 Speaker 01 She's actually a little bit annoying, to be honest with you.
4:03 Speaker 02 Really attention seeking. It's racking her head. But that child, their argument was, we need to put him in the right home and everything. But I just think with kids, I don't know the ins and outs, but you can't be returning kids you've adopted three years later. You later bad liar. With the kids.
4:19 Speaker 01 Oh, it was just so bad. And even their kids would have just gotten used to, to him as a sibling. And then he's just gone.
4:26 Speaker 02 Imagine the trauma of being like, oh yeah, I was adopted, but then returned three years later. When my personality really started to kick in, they were like, actually, no, you're grand. And then wait to be adopted again. And the older they get, of course, it's harder to adopt them.
4:38 Speaker 01 Oh, gosh.
4:40 Speaker 02 Anyway, God, that's grim folk. Why are you bringing that shit up?
4:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, God, you brought it up first. Let's talk about fun things. It's Friday.
4:47 Speaker 02 Well, no, it's Wednesday when they listen to this, so it's fine to talk about sad stuff. Wednesday is a bit of a hump day. We're allowed.
4:56 Speaker 02 I went to see an amazing Irish film last night.
5:00 Speaker 01 She still says film.
5:02 Speaker 02 Film.
5:04 Speaker 02 Someone's beeping.
5:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know. It's Spencer, not me.
5:06 Speaker 02 Is he just sitting in the corner watching you?
5:08 Speaker 01 He's actually, he's walking around naked. He spends a long time naked, that man. Unusual.
5:13 Speaker 02 The listeners don't need to know that, folks. That's TMI. TMI. Is he getting ready for the bath?
5:19 Speaker 01 It's TMI for me too, like.
5:22 Speaker 02 Well, you're his wife. You're, you know, you kind of, you've signed up to watch that shit. We have not. That's a, that's a Patreon. She'd hate to be not up running around Mars or something.
5:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know, I know. Are you having a drink?
5:35 Speaker 02 No. Oh yeah, I'm having a drink, yeah.
5:39 Speaker 01 I have had the longest.
5:43 Speaker 02 Is that him? We're on an important business report.
5:47 Speaker 01 I'll have a glass of champagne if you're, if you're.
5:50 Speaker 01 Bring the champagne!
5:51 Speaker 02 Sorry, sorry. This is why I need to get married. If, if I didn't realise marriage also involves screaming at your husband to bring his champagne. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have done it years ago.
6:01 Speaker 01 I'll tell you what happened. I, you're well.
6:07 Speaker 01 I feel like you must have figured out a way to like get wine from the fridge with your eyes. You're so good at it now.
6:13 Speaker 02 Do you know what I need? Do you know what I actually need? One of those robotic hoovers that I can just strap a little shelf, like a little drinks trolley to us.
6:21 Speaker 01 I've already looked it up. They have one in Purple Dragon. Sorry to bring it up again. It's a little robot and it collects trays. And the robot is function, is, is set up to go around to those tables. They're something like 20 grand though. 20 grand.
6:34 Speaker 02 What?
6:35 Speaker 01 Yes.
6:36 Speaker 02 Ah, listen, I like a drink. Not that much, I don't think.
6:38 Speaker 01 Get yourself one of those Dyson Hoover's that goes around and does the Hoovering for you.
6:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, I strap the drink to the top.
6:45 Speaker 01 Exactly, but then you'd have to go and get the drink to strap it to the top. But if you made one drink, then you could get the other drink.
6:55 Speaker 01 I need a drink because I had a two hour Barra strategy call. Then I had a podcast with Amber, then I was recording my audiobook and now I'm here. So I've done a lot of talking. So tell me about the film.
7:05 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, well, you just, you just interrupted me to tell me that you've done too much talking. I told you.
7:11 Speaker 01 I think, you take it from here.
7:13 Speaker 02 You need less Skittles, that's what I think is your problem. And some sort of transcendental meditation. I went to see a film last night by a filmmaker, Irish filmmaker called Sinead O'Shea. And it was on at the Curzon Cinema in Soho, which is a gorgeous cinema. And the film is called Blue Road and it's the story of Edna O'Brien. Now, Edna O'Brien is an Irish writer who I'm aware of, but I've never read any of her. Actually, no, I'm sorry, I read one of her books called Girl, but I didn't connect it. Anyway, it was brilliant. It was so good. It was basically the UK premiere of this film about this Irish female writer who she's actually died. She died about two years ago, but it is just so well made, such an interesting story.
7:56 Speaker 02 Sinead, who the filmmaker, when she emailed me about going, she was like, I think you'd really like it. She enjoyed, she enjoyed partying and bad men. And I was like, I'm there, I'm there. She said she was a party girl who had very bad taste in men, was actually what she said to me. And she's like, I think it'd be right up your alley. And my God, was she right. I loved it. If anyone gets a chance to see it, it's fantastic. Oh, it was just.
8:20 Speaker 01 So was it about her whole life?
8:22 Speaker 02 It's about her whole life and she's interviewed throughout it and her sons are interviewed and she like bad marriages. And she basically, her husband that she married originally was a writer and then she began to eclipse him. As, as is always the case, he couldn't handle it, he glitched, they separated. She went on to have some amazing lovers, loads of her books were banned.
8:44 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
8:45 Speaker 02 She's from Clare, they set fire, she was like, oh, I. Heard they didn't go down well in Claire and then it shoots to this like they they actually burnt them in a in a bonfire. Cause she was quite like, it was quite sexy. She she wrote a lot of quite sex books, but the books are amazing. And loads of them were turned into films and stuff. It's just, it's a brilliant documentary about her life and I would highly recommend it. And such, I'm so glad Sinead invited me. I loved it and congratulations to Sinead. I hope this film goes all the way. It's fantastic.
9:14 Speaker 01 Oh, I love a little recommendation like that.
9:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's brilliant. And it felt really nice. It was it was just a real, it was a little kind of Irish lift.
9:21 Speaker 01 Is this the, is this the culture pocket or what were we calling it?
9:25 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, the culture pocket, that one thing that we decided to do and then forgot all about it. Yes. Sounds like it is.
9:30 Speaker 01 There was loads of things like that. Remember we had the speaker of the week?
9:33 Speaker 02 Ah, yeah. Do you know what our consistency is that we are not consistent? That's the one thing you can rely on us being. We we have no consistency. Although I have another culture pocket recommendation.
9:44 Speaker 01 So do I. Go. What's your next? Is yours a book?
9:47 Speaker 02 You go. What's yours?
9:48 Speaker 01 Okay, mine is a book called Nesting. It's a debut by an Irish author and I've started reading it and it is really.
9:57 Speaker 02 Is this for the awards?
9:58 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, I'm not allowed to mention those books. There's a lot of those books that I'm doing for the book awards that are very, very good. And two that I've read that I would never pick up off a shelf. So I actually can't wait to give people that recommendation. Cause like, it's like, you know that book Circe? Have you ever read Circe?
10:14 Speaker 02 No.
10:14 Speaker 01 I thought it was called Cirque. Someone was like, no, Circe?
10:18 Speaker 02 Okay.
10:19 Speaker 01 And that is all about like Greek goddesses and stuff that her two books, Madeleine Thompson, I think her name is, are so good.
10:26 Speaker 02 Great.
10:27 Speaker 01 But anyway, Nesting was my, was my original culture pocket.
10:31 Speaker 02 That was what was in your culture pocket this week?
10:33 Speaker 01 Yeah. What's, what else is in yours? I can see it's a whole thing.
10:36 Speaker 02 I'm going to see Jacqueline Novak tonight in Soho. Jacqueline Novak.
10:41 Speaker 01 The tennis player. Oh.
10:44 Speaker 02 Yeah. Just going to watch a game of paddle. She had a Netflix special that was directed by Natasha Lyonne, who obviously I'm a huge fan of. And her Netflix special was all about, it was like this really, I don't know, like an intellectual one woman show take on blowjobs. It was actually amazing.
11:03 Speaker 01 Oh.
11:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a weird, weird show. Anyway, she's in Sao Paulo tonight, so I'm going to see that. So I'll report back, but I'm very excited about it.
11:10 Speaker 01 When am I allowed to come to your work in Progresses? You've had loads and I haven't been allowed to go to any.
11:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm saving you for the real thing when it's finished.
11:17 Speaker 01 God's sake, fine.
11:29 Speaker 01 Do you want to hear some, an update that I just saw come pop up?
11:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:34 Speaker 01 Danny has posted. Do you know Danny?
11:37 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. Danny, you have the Danny and Maura debacle.
11:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:41 Speaker 02 He was just like, oh, listen, I'm dealing with it. Go away. Basically, fair enough.
11:44 Speaker 01 I know. People just love though, like, I just, oh God, it was such a bad, bad situation, wasn't it?
11:53 Speaker 02 Is there any other news than that, or is it just the thing that he released?
11:56 Speaker 01 Well, he's only just released that. Like, in fairness, like, there's a woman called Bryony Gordon, she's gash, she's brilliant. She writes for the Daily Mail, she has a podcast, and she basically was following the Maura, Georgia, Danny story. And she wrote this really scathing thing about Danny and how he set up pap shots with Georgia, set them up to make it look like they were like, just to show that they were having a united front. And she was like, just let her like, figure this out for herself instead of parading around in front of paps. And she looks really uncomfortable.
12:28 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
12:29 Speaker 01 And if that's, yeah, if that's true, I just think that that's so bad and so selfish of him to do that, to like, protect his own image instead of protecting how she's feeling.
12:38 Speaker 02 That's what they all do. Do you remember when Dominic West had an affair with Lily James and then all hell broke loose and he was outside the front of the house with his wife? They were reading a letter about how everything was absolutely fine, but you could see in the wife, I was like, that poor woman. She looked, she looked... Exhausted, humiliated.
12:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:59 Speaker 02 And she's trying to put on this united front because her husband's.
13:02 Speaker 01 A di- a dick.
13:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, a selfish dickhead, basically. Yeah, exactly. And he's embarrassed her.
13:07 Speaker 01 I think the more selfish part of those things is though, like, it's like even more so than the actual like cheating. It's like then after that, you're still like putting yourself first and like making sure that like, people see you as the good person by getting your wife on board to seem okay with it. I'm like, oh, yuck.
13:24 Speaker 02 If I was deciding to stay with my husband now, if I was married, if I had a lobotomy and decided I wanted to be a wife, and he cheated on me like that, I would be the same. I'd be dragging him out publicly. If I decided to stay, if I'd made the decision to be like, I'm gonna stay, you've made a show out of me. I hate you, but we're staying together. I'll get over it. I think I'd be the same. I'd be leading him around, clapping, commenting on a leash, being like, look, we're perfectly fine. With the little taser going, tasering every seven minutes for.
13:54 Speaker 01 Every time he slumps.
13:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time he looks at another woman, I just taser him in his eyeballs. But I, I, I do, I, I kind of understand that public united front, I do. Otherwise, people are just gonna think you're separating and if you've decided to power through.
14:09 Speaker 01 I, I do get that, but I just think that she just looked really visibly upset in those pictures. And I just felt like it probably wasn't the right time for her to do that. Like, it's a week later.
14:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:19 Speaker 01 It's just, it's a lot. Like, that's a really difficult, because it's such a public humiliation as well. But Dominic West's wife, she came out the, the next day and that was like, they were going around Italy or wherever they were on a bike together.
14:32 Speaker 02 He was on set with her, yeah. He had an amazingly bizarre interview in the London, in the Standard, maybe, years ago.
14:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:42 Speaker 02 Um, where he was promoting some charity gig and the interviewer went around to his house to interview him. And it was like. It was like he forgot he was talking to a journalist.
14:54 Speaker 01 Oh god.
14:55 Speaker 02 He was very loose lipped about how, it was something along the lines, it's a while since I read it, it was like, "And men my age should be allowed to have affairs, like women just need to kind of turn a blind eye and get over it." He was just, it was like he thought he was talking to one of the lads. It was utterly bizarre. And then, obviously it was all printed. And then he went mad and pulled out of the show. But yeah. You know, male actors, come on, come on.
15:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
15:20 Speaker 02 Wouldn't trust them as far as I could, you know, throw them. And I take, I take pre-workout now, I'm quite strong.
15:31 Speaker 01 Emails.
15:31 Speaker 02 Sure.
15:32 Speaker 01 Dear Joanne in Vogue, what do I do? I needed to find my wifi password so I could link my Kindle up to it and preorder Vogue's book, but couldn't be bothered to move out of bed. We rent our spare room out and I knew I had sent a welcome pack to one of our guests on Facebook Messenger. So I typed "welcome pack" into the search bar on Facebook Messenger. Weirdly, a chat came up from 2013 from an ex. So I clicked on it to see what we had been saying. After scrolling for a bit on the conversation, I accidentally liked one of the messages.
16:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:07 Speaker 01 I don't know what to do. Do I just message him?
16:10 Speaker 02 Unlike it!
16:12 Speaker 01 It's too late. If she hasn't unliked it and she's emailed us. I've not spoken to him in years. Do I leave it? I'm mortified.
16:19 Speaker 02 What was the message, though?
16:21 Speaker 01 It was just about them talking, but it was from, it was from 2013. 12 years ago, she liked a message. I think if you haven't spoken to him in ages, whatever, like, I don't, does anyone use Facebook anymore? What the hell is, that's weird too.
16:34 Speaker 02 Unless he has morphed into an elderly woman, he's not on Facebook anymore. So I wouldn't worry about it. Do you know what I mean?
16:40 Speaker 01 That's so true.
16:42 Speaker 02 There's no one our own age on Facebook anymore. It is for elderly women and kind of incels in their 70s. As far as I know, as far as I'm aware, they're the only people who use Facebook. Also, does Facebook get an alert? If that happened to me, I would assume the person who had liked my stuff, their phone had glitched. In some way, like I've accidentally FaceTimed people I met once on a night out just because my, sometimes your phone just has a life of its own. It's like it's had a couple of drinks and it just goes a bit bananas. So that's what I would think happened if someone liked my message from 2013. So do not stress about that. That's absolutely fine. Don't ring Dignitas quite yet, you're grand.
17:19 Speaker 01 Okay. Hi Vogue and Joanne, thought you'd be intrigued by this. About 18 years ago, backpacking around India, myself and my travelling gal pal ended up in a long train ride traversing the country. No trolley, but at every stop traders would come on board and sell snacks and drinks, fruit and the odd.
17:35 Speaker 02 That's good, that, that, that is a trolley. They're, they're being serviced, they're not on a, like a famine train like I was on going to Galway.
17:42 Speaker 01 We met lots of friendly folk who were intrigued by my whiteness and my friend's blonde hair. I always thought that if I went somewhere like that, they'd, they'd be weirded out because I'm tall.
17:51 Speaker 02 With blonde hair, yeah, you would stand out with the wide gait and everything, yeah.
17:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:57 Speaker 01 We had designated seats and fold out beds. It was all very functional and different and we liked it. 54 hours on a train.
18:05 Speaker 02 Oh.
18:06 Speaker 01 My goodness. At the start of the journey, we ended up in a different carriage, which is basically steerage. No designated seating, no capacity limits on passengers, people sitting, slouching and lying on the ground. One particular lady was having a great kip. She was lying flat out for hours and hours without moving.
18:27 Speaker 02 Oh, was she though?
18:30 Speaker 01 Oh no. Then we realised she was dead.
18:36 Speaker 02 Oh God.
18:37 Speaker 01 And nobody was paying any heed.
18:39 Speaker 02 Was she murdered, like a kind of a murder on the Orient Express vibe? Or was she, was it of natural causes?
18:44 Speaker 01 Okay, hang on. Completely shocked and channeling our we must stand up for the downtrodden inner backpacking voices. We went to her, checked her vital signs, et cetera. Yes, she was definitely unquestionably dead and cold. Nobody still paid any heed.
18:59 Speaker 02 Oh.
18:59 Speaker 01 Eventually a guy who spoke English explained to us that sometimes people died on these trains and the government officials dealt with them. Once the train arrived at its destination, 54 hours.
19:11 Speaker 02 I'd say she died of boredom.
19:13 Speaker 01 Poor woman.
19:14 Speaker 02 Such a long train journey, my god.
19:16 Speaker 01 Poor woman, alone and dead in a train and her family might never find out. I still think about her from time to time. That's desperate.
19:23 Speaker 02 I guess though, like, what, without sounding callous, what are you supposed to do? Like, there's no point stopping at a town in the middle of nowhere and then she's just sitting there for hours. I think it's just you have to power her on.
19:35 Speaker 01 I think bodies, like 54 hours with a dead body, that's gonna smell bad.
19:40 Speaker 02 What is, I don't think it would smell after 54 hours.
19:43 Speaker 01 It would definitely smell after 54 hours, it would stink.
19:46 Speaker 02 Are you sure?
19:47 Speaker 01 In the boiling hot heat, it'd be like baking, it'd be slowly cooking, oh god.
19:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, that's not, that's not ideal now. Yeah, like a bit of a breeze.
20:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, I thought you got diseases from bodies. Anyway, terrible story, I'm not gonna start. I wanna enjoy my night, so let's not get too much into the dead.
20:10 Speaker 02 We're sorry to hear you went through that, but, you know, stop making it about yourself, a woman died.
20:18 Speaker 01 Dead right. Thank you all so much for listening.
20:20 Speaker 02 Your sister's going to prison, Kim.
20:25 Speaker 02 Stop taking selfies.
20:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, that's terrible.
20:30 Speaker 01 I would say she actually had a lovely death, when you think about the rocking of a train. Like, you'd just be rocked to death.
20:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's like being back in the womb.
20:38 Speaker 01 Yeah. That's it, Joan. Thanks everyone for listening.
20:42 Speaker 02 As usual, my tour starts quite soon. I'm going everywhere, I'm going all around the UK, all around Ireland. I've added an extra Amsterdam date, an extra Lisbon date, and an extra Barcelona date. I'm doing some work and progresses in New York, which will be on sale by the time this happens. They're just small rooms, cheap tickets, just gonna fanny around for a couple of nights in Brooklyn. Fergus, anything you'd like to add?
21:01 Speaker 01 I, uh, I've got my book tour, 26th and Vickers Street, 27th and Union Chapel in London, and my book is on sale. Audio soon to be on sale.
21:10 Speaker 02 It's on sale?
21:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's on pre-sale, it's on pre-sale.
21:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, pre-sale, sorry, sorry.
21:14 Speaker 01 But it's done now, I know it's gonna happen for, like, well, it's still got a lot of work to do on it. But also, um, we have Arlo Hanlon on Never Live a Down this week, he's very funny.
21:24 Speaker 02 Great, we love that, Arlo.
21:25 Speaker 01 For the Irish.
21:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:28 Speaker 01 Thanks a million, everyone.
21:29 Speaker 02 Okay, bye.
21:31 Speaker 01 Bye.
21:57 Speaker 00 This is a Global Player original podcast.
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