Gold Pigeon, Chelsea Handler & Sharon Horgan

Chelsea Handler + Sharon Horgan 4EVA! <3 Joanne asks Vogue who her dream mentor would be, and together they've decided to take up acting classes so they can get cast in The White Lotus - because who wouldn’t want to live at The Four Seasons for six months?! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.com This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Hello, welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me. It's myself, Joanne McNally, as usual, and it is...

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Unfortunately, me again.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  My work wife and CEO, Vogue Williams.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  A very nice fellow CEO. Hello, everybody.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  Lovely night.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  Joanne McNally...

• 0:33Speaker 00

  Vogue Williams?

• 0:34Speaker 01

  Sorry, Joanne McNally.

• 0:36Speaker 00

  Sorry, no, Vogue Williams. I have a question for both of us.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  What?

• 0:42Speaker 00

  If we're both in London, why are we not together?

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Well, Joe has had... I don't know, do we tell his news?

• 0:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, we tell his news. We like to... Yeah, we wrap people up.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  He's had a baby. He had a little baby girl. Yeah, I wasn't sure if we were going to go that far, but a baby girl, and he has called it Vogue Joanne Attywell.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  I heard it was Joanne Vogue Attywell, but that's what I'd heard.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  Oh, no, I've actually seen the birth serums.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. Joe now has two baby girls, which, in my opinion, is like winning the baby lottery. I'd love two baby girls.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Oh, two baby girls. They'd be the best of friends.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  They could raise each other like little dogs.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  I was on Lorraine today, and I was telling her, I was like, because her granddaughter's called Billy, and I was like, oh, if I ever had another child, I'd love to call it Billy Valentine, because I thought it was so cute. Then she was like, yeah, BV. And I was like, oh, no, not BV, bacterial vaginosis. I was like, oh, I didn't even...

• 1:47Speaker 01

  Maybe it's just me, because I have OJ, Otto, Otto James, you know?

• 1:51Speaker 00

  I bet you were going to say because you have vaginal, well, bacterial vaginosis. And I was like, oh, okay. Good, I'm glad. I think we should talk more about women's health. So that's a good segue into you having bacterial vaginosis. There's no shame in having it. It is what it is.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  I caught it off, Joanne.

• 2:07Speaker 00

  If I, if I did get it, I'd raise awareness.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Well.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  I would, I'd raise awareness.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  I would too, but I don't currently have it. I don't have it. I told you, I'm not a, I'm not a real, I'm not a thrush girl, really.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Listen, we've made it very clear that we have no understanding of our own bodies. Or any sort of understanding about female health issues. And, and so no one's coming to us for that, I think that's fair to say.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Well, we might not be as stupid as we seem around the reproductive system because there has been a recorded case of a woman becoming pregnant, Joanne, you actually showed me the story, anal, anal sex.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. I saw that and I said, this has a bang of immaculate conception to me. Mary, she got stung and Joseph was going mad. She's like, oh, you know, that story, the kind of, the real story that probably happened where it's like, oh, look, it is yours. It's, it's just, it's also kind of God's, whatever. This woman, I would say, has been maybe riding around vaginally. Her husband doesn't know that. Maybe he's a big anal man. He's like, well, it can only have happened if it's anal. That was my take on it. Unless she has no walls inside her and the sperm, or unless the sperm has a little hammerhead or something. I don't know. I've never heard the likes of it.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  I like my mother to think that I have never had sex before. So she too thinks that I had an immaculate conception. And do you know what? Mary, when she had it, God was just a fellow around the corner. He was called God. And she was like, God, it was me and God had the baby.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Indeed, yeah.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Where God came from.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  Well, no, I think she, she lay, she, she planted a bit more layers on it than that now. She really did. She, there was an angel involved and all. But anyway, look, I'm not here to lecture my Christianity.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  You know when a lie, a lie snowballs?

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, there's no going back now. It was an angel. It was like a whole thing. Yeah. It was like wings and like lights and all.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  There was a donkey.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that, that did happen. Anyway, again, no one's coming to us for

• 3:57Speaker 00

  expertism on religion, because obviously we're both going to hell. But what I would say is, this is actually good for women who, who aren't into anal sex.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  Because lads will be like, oh, you can't get pregnant. And they're like, well, actually.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Mm.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  I can.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  So back off. Yeah. This is good. Maybe that's it. Maybe she's, maybe she's pulling, maybe she's telling porkies just to give. It's all a break.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I think as well, I'm gonna say no hand jobs. Don't, no hand jobs anymore. You can get pregnant from a handjob.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, if it's an enthusiastic sperm, it could fly right up. You wouldn't know where to go.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Sorry, hand jobs as well.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Anything you don't enjoy that much, chuck them in.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  It's since the vaccine, say that, since the vaccine, sperm has wings now. So we just don't know where it's gonna end up. So it's just best if we just, yeah. What really turns me on is if you whack yourself off.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  And leave me alone, I'm reading.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  While I'm watching Love is Blind, that really gets me off, that's what I love.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  We're so anti-sex folk, we need to change our tune.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  I don't think we are, I don't think we are, we aren't, we're fine.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  We have to move on, we have to move on. Folks, tell me about your week, tell me about your week.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Well, you reminded me of something, I was doing a job yesterday for a brand, I was in Ireland working and I was being filmed in the car with a delivery driver for a brand and like, we were just kinda told to just have a chat and have a conversation. And I was in the car with him, lovely man, hello, Michael, lovely man. And the conversation obviously takes different turns, I was showing him loads of places around Houth that I love. I will take you on the same tour soon when you come up. And we were going by the graveyard and you were just talking about God there and I was like, and la la la la la la, I was like, this is why I bless myself. And then he started blessing himself at a funeral and I was like, I wouldn't, do you believe in God? And they had to stop filming, they were like, no, no, no, we can't use God chat, sorry.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  I was like, oh my God, am I being holy, has it rubbed off on me?

• 5:53Speaker 00

  You took it too far.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, they don't want me to talk about God chat, which is fair enough, I was like, just don't use it. We were just having a private conversation, I wanted to know if he was spiritual.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, God means different things to different people.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Exactly, exactly.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  When I go to AA, which will inevitably happen in the next six to 12 years, I would say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to choose God. That I have to resign to a higher power, it's not gonna work. So I can't be critical because I'm gonna need him at some stage, or them, or he, or she.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Six to 12 years, that's a, it's a great time span you've, you've given there.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Well, I was gonna say six to 12 months and then panicked that I would publicly say that, so then I kind of backtracked and said, "Oh, years, years."

• 6:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, give yourself a moment. Oh, my god.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  And to be fair, I actually jest. I shouldn't be always joking about going to AI because it's actually a very serious thing to do. No, I've no idea if that'll happen or not. I actually, I'm really enjoying myself at the moment. I don't... Do you know sometimes you have those moments in your life where you're like, "Oh, my god, everything's out of control. I've lost control of everything." And then you kind of get the wheels back on. I'm actually in a very good, healthy space at the moment, I would say.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Do you know what I find fascinating? So I'm gonna... Seven hours ago, I was having what I can only describe as a, like, an episode, like, of anxiety. So at 2 o'clock in the morning, I woke up and I first... Out of nowhere, I just got myself into a panic. Had like a little, like, basically a two and a half hour panic stack. I had to wake Spencer up and everything. I don't know. It sometimes happens to me when I get by. You know I get bad anxiety. And now it's like 11 in the morning and I'm like, "Do you know what? I feel fantastic. I feel like I needed a blowout."

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Do you know what the best way of thinking about things is? I'm reading Chelsea Handler's new book at the moment with my ears. It's... I just, I needed to hear her voice because I find her...

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  ...reassuring, fascinating, terrifying, wildly intelligent. I would maybe see myself as her in 10 years' time, except I can't ski. That's something I am trying to fix. I'm gonna learn how to ski. She's big into snowboarding, big into skiing, but she's done a lot of work on herself. And she talks about how, kind of, not letting your feelings take over and that they're just feelings and they pass through you and to sit with them and all this stuff. And also, she talks about drinking and drugs and all that stuff and how she has had times in her life where she's gone too far. And they said times in her life where she kind of pulls back. And she had two things I actually wanted to tell you about. She had a great story about... And I'm not gonna... This isn't a spoiler

• 8:27Speaker 00

  in the book or anything.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  But she'd already started her journey, as it were, before this happened. But basically, she says she got an email from Jane Fonda.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Oh, I know. Yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Did you hear the story?

• 8:38Speaker 01

  I think you tell the listeners, because I think you might have told me about that.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  She got an email or a text or a phone call, I can't remember, from Jane Fonda. However, Jane Fonda chooses to communicate. God only knows. She probably sent some sort of gold pigeon or something. It's Jane Fonda, for God's sake.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  And she said, Chelsea, can you come to my house for dinner, please? Chelsea was like, well, obviously it's Jane Fonda, of course. And she says they were kind of friends and they'd known each other a very long time and they always got on. And she obviously looked up to Jane, because it's Jane Fonda. And Chelsea went, yeah, sure, when? She goes, tonight. And Chelsea was like, oh, God, I'm, this feels like I'm in trouble. So she went over and she said, and I was correct, I was in trouble. Jane sat her down and she said, had you noticed the last time we met, I was quite frosty with you? And Chelsea said, I had noticed, actually, but I tried not to overthink it and just thought maybe you were having a bad day. And Jane was like, well, I wasn't. It was actually your fault. I was being frosty with you on purpose because you came to my birthday party recently and you ruined the night for everyone. You were so rude. You came in with this really dark cloud over you.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  You were really rude to loads of my guests and you kind of ruined the night. Yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  I think fair play for saying it, though, and not just ignoring it forever.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Totally. Chelsea said, what a gesture of sisterhood. She said, Jane Fonda, we'll never have to have that conversation with me again. And she said, and she was right. I was in a bad place mentally. And she was on something and Jane was like, I don't know what drugs you were on. And Chelsea said, it's actually nothing to do with the drugs that I'm on. It's where I am in my head.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 00

  And then she started doing all this work on herself and it's just, it's such a good book. I cannot recommend it enough. But the reason I, I don't know why, but I really wanted to tell you about this part of the book, which I've listened to on repeat. I've listened to it about six times, I would say.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Chelsea Handler is very generous to her family. She's obviously got buckets of cash. She brings them on these huge holidays. You know, she brings them to Martha's Vineyard, where all the celebs love to go.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  I think the presidents go there as well.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  Do they?

• 10:28Speaker 01

  I don't know how I know that, but I think it's true. We might have to fact check that, Emily.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Is it the American Cotswolds?

• 10:33Speaker 01

  I think it must be.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  Sorry, we have a silent producer.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Emily's taking over.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Emily's taking over, Charles. We can hear you now, Emily. You're coming through loud and clear, loud and clear.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  I'm sure Obama or someone was there. Oh, in God's name, I have to stop reading the Daily Mail. Honestly, I know too much about celebrities.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Whoever this Martha is, she's really cracked it.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  I want to go there. We have, we have Obama Plaza, or whatever it's called.

• 11:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, we have the, we have Obama Plaza, which is basically a little shopping centre in the middle of Ireland somewhere and it has a supermax.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Well, it's like, it's a petrol station. It's a petrol station.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, it's a petrol station.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  But it's a very good one.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  He's been there as well, so.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Very good one. I think, I don't know if Obama's actually been there. I think he just like flew over at once and everyone was like, he looked at us, come on, let's, let's, let's build.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Everyone needs petrol and a Friday box. Obama was there. Go on.

• 11:25Speaker 00

  And so anyway, she brings her family on these huge holidays and she has all these nieces and nephews who she calls the nuggets. And she's never had children herself, but she says she just wouldn't be able for it, but that she loves her nieces and nephews. And she feels like they're kind of her kids, even though she says she offers no parenting advice at all. She's like, I'm not equipped. And she said, one time on one of these big family holidays, she realised that she had spoilt her nieces and nephews and they were being rude to her staff. And she said she left the holiday, she went off to film something and because she done, she said the old Chelsea would have just kicked off and told everyone to go fuck themselves. But the new Chelsea, because she's done the work, because she's quite a servant, that's kind of her, like her personality. She's, and I think that is true. I don't think that's put on.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  And she wrote this, it was the most beautifully well crafted letter I've ever read with my ears, listened to. I loved it so much. It was just, it was perfect. She talked about how, how much she loves them, all the nieces and nephews. But the last time she left the family holiday, she was embarrassed and she felt taken advantage of.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. She's like, I realise now I've spoilt you with these holidays and you're just entitled now. And here are the new rules.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Oh, I like.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, Vogue, I think you'd love it. I don't know why it really touched me on some level. I actually cried when I listened to it again. I don't know why. I don't take my family on holidays. No one takes me on holidays. I don't know why it resonated so much with me. I think it was just the honesty and how well it was crafted. And she was like, I love you. There's nothing you could do to make me not love you.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  But shit has to change around here and here are the new rules.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  And no one likes to. Be taken or feel taken advantage of. But I, I wouldn't say that I ever feel taken advantage of. I'm very close to my family and stuff like that and we love going on holidays together. But if that shit started going down.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  I would love you to find the letter online and read it. It's just so well crafted and so balanced and kind. But like she's making her point and she talks about rules of being a guest. Don't finish anything.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Oh, oh.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Don't finish anything unless you're willing to make a fresh batch. Don't finish the Belvedere vodka that I have provided. Say hello to the staff. Don't roll your eyes at my guests because they're older and you're bored by them. They're my very good friends, like all this.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Oh, well, those, I don't really agree with the finishing of stuff. I think that like when I'm away, we all like, we do our supermarket shops and like, we all just make sure that everything is stocked up. Everybody has what they want and what they need and it's, it's quite nice.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think they're teenagers and she says, I realise now that this is kind of my fault. Because you've never had to put your hand in your pocket for anything. It's all just on offer to you. And she said, and in LA, they work for me, they don't work for you. Treat them with respect. I want you to say please and thank you. Say hello to my staff. If my staff are carrying something that they need help with, please help them. She was like, I've spoilt you and they should be the change around here. It just really, I just was like, it's maybe she has a hand in a hole you like. I just loved it.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  I know, but can you imagine being 16 and being faced with a bottle of Belvedere vodka? You've like taken 10 steps up from the Red Square. You'd be like, you wouldn't, you wouldn't be able to leave any behind.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  You see, I'm lucky, I have a cheap pallet. I'd be like, I'm ground to the glands, Chelsea.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  How is that still going?

• 14:45Speaker 00

  My retractable scratchy hand.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  I can't believe you.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  She's back.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  I found her in the drawer.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  You lose, you lose everything.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  I found her in the drawer looking for one of my AirPods.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  I have now convinced myself that like if I buy slightly more expensive booze, I won't feel as hungover. But now I've convinced myself that if I have tequila, I won't be as hungover.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Tequila's great. Very good for you.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  I was out last night. I went to the Devonshire. Your mum was asking about you. We were talking about the raw chicken dick.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  That clip about the how white Irishmen are that it, yeah, counting down on them is a health and safety issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  I'm not putting that in my mouth. It's raw.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Well, that is, I've started doing clips. You know that I was notoriously invisible online with clips. But just, I might as well plug it.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  I'm on tour, Ireland to the UK. I've added an extra London Apollo date on October 16th. And I'm going to Europe. I'm going to Oslo. I'm adding another Barcelona date, another Amsterdam date. And I'm also going to Berlin and other places. dramacn.com. I'm everywhere.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  Everywhere. And it's on your website. It's actually easy to navigate. So there you go.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Thanks so much, folks.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  You're very welcome. With the tech feedback. Ah, we were laughing about that. But I went out with, I was out with Ryan Tullbrady, and I was out with John Boyne, who you know that I'm obsessed with.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  He's one of my favourite authors because he has agreed to give me a quote for my book.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  Oh, lovely.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  And look what I got. I've got a proof of the book.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  I know. It's in my hands. So I'm having to, I kind of threw it at Spencer and I was like, do you want to read it? Don't read it. Do you want to read where you're in?

• 16:30Speaker 00

  It looks great.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  I know. I'm really happy. So it's nearly 100% done. And if anybody would like to come to my book tour, I'm doing two dates in May, one in Vicar Street and one in London. And my book is on preorder. It's done. I'm starting an audio for you, just only, only for you.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Just for me.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  No, everyone can buy the audio. So I'm starting the audio this week as well. So it's very exciting.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Look, you have to caveat that.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  Don't worry. I'm not just doing an audio for you, Anne. So, uh.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  I got enough, I got enough of you in my ears, to be honest. I think I'll have to read this open my eyes.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  That's why I was surprised when I was like, I know that story about Chelsea Handler, because we don't usually let things slip through the net when we're on the phone to each other. Don't tell me about it. But I must have allowed it.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  I think what I'm trying to say is, this week, I've been very touched by Chelsea Handler in my cell. And I am, I've no mentor at the moment. And if I could choose a kind of comedy.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  I felt like I was your mentor when I saw the picture of your room last night, and it was gleaming, not one thing on the floor. I was like, my work here is done.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  That's, that's only the bit that you saw. I'm trying to make an effort to keep my, my spaces kind of tidy for this tour, instead of living in fucking chaos.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Um, basically, I think if I could choose any mentor in the world, I thought it used to be Tina Fey, but I've, well, firstly, I haven't heard from her, so I'm guessing that's not on the cards. But I, I wanted to be Chelsea Handler.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  I think I want mine to be Kristen Wiig. That'd be a nice duo. If we, imagine we could, imagine we could be friends with them, we'd have a great life.

• 18:01Speaker 00

  Kristen Wiig as your mentor?

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. How does that feel?

• 18:04Speaker 00

  The comic from SNL?

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. How does that feel?

• 18:07Speaker 00

  You want Kristen Wiig to be your mentor?

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Chelsea Handler, who's also going down the slopes in a bikini. Okay. Yeah, I see where you're at.

• 18:14Speaker 00

  If you could choose a mentor, though, who would you choose? If you could choose someone that you'd access to them, and they could advise you and guide you?

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Like, a realistic person?

• 18:27Speaker 00

  No, anyone.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Maybe Sharon Horgan?

• 18:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, that's a great one.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  She's a good one, isn't she?

• 18:33Speaker 00

  I love that we know she's not realistic. She wouldn't piss on us if we were on fire. And she's right. She's dead right.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Stay right from us. We're trash.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  Touch us, Sharon. Yeah, we're trash. We are Irish trash.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  We're only Sully you.

• 18:52Speaker 00

  Yeah. She wouldn't be seen dead. Imagine she turned up to mentor us. She'd be in a wig with a big fake nose. She'd be like, you didn't get any of this information from me. If you fucking tag me or say any, tell anyone I'm even interacting with you two dirt birds.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Well, Sharon, we're just saying, if you're available, we would absolutely love the opportunity.

• 19:12Speaker 00

  Even if she were to piss on us if we were on fire, we'd dine out in that for years.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  I wouldn't care.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  I wouldn't shower.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  I'd let her piss on me.

• 19:19Speaker 00

  Of course you would. Spit in my face, Sharon. Anything.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  This is getting dirty.

• 19:24Speaker 00

  A horgon DNA in my face, love it.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  You should start going out with her brother. There's an in for us.

• 19:32Speaker 00

  Men hate me. It's over for me. It's over. It's done. I've given up. It's done. They hate me. I hate them. Actually, don't. I love them, but I, no, I just, I seem to be hardening.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  I think you're too nice. No, you're too nice to them, is what I think.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Do you?

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're too nice. You're too nice.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Are you? That's, no, that's, that's, that's almost as insane a take as us thinking that Sharon Horgan's gonna mentor us.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  I just think that you're very generous and you're very kind and I think that when you start to like somebody, they get a bit, they get a bit, what's that come, what's that called? They take you for granted.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, they take the piss. I am hardcore. I'm hardcore. Like, I think I'm hard to infiltrate. But then, once I'm infiltrated, I am goo. I am mauler in a man's hand. It's actually embarrassing.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  When I look back at certain people that I was going out with, I'm like, oh, I can see why that didn't work out. Cause you just get, you're like, I don't care about me. I only care about you. Well, what can I do to make you feel better about yourself? Fuck me.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  Morning, King.

• 20:35Speaker 00

  How can I pleasure, please and serve you today?

• 20:38Speaker 01

  You're like the little jester, hello.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  Some little bald lad who thinks Link's Apollo's an aftershave. I'm like, what can I do to serve you, King?

• 20:46Speaker 01

  My sweet man-child, I love you. Yes. I will lie, I will lie in this puddle so you can walk across me. I couldn't bear your feet to get wet.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  Don't get me a towel. That's fine. Your semen can remain on me for the day. I just love it. Love the way it cracks into my skin. Is that gross? Can we cut that?

• 21:02Speaker 01

  No, it's funny.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  I would like Chelsea Handler to be my mentor. You would like Sharon Horgan to be theirs. Let's put it out into the universe, even though I don't believe in the universe at all. I don't believe in manifesting any of that shit, but I'll give it a go.

• 21:14Speaker 01

  I think we should try it. I've always said that I'm not really into manifesting, but it's working for some people and it might, and also, also, I wouldn't mind being in, what's his name, what's his name again? The Irish actor that I love.

• 21:25Speaker 00

  There's many, there's many.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  I know, but I was watching him last night in the thing on Netflix. That doesn't really give it away.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  I was watching him in a movie, you know him. He's good crack. He was dancing at the SAG Awards. Ah, come on. I mean, I'm telling you to come on and get angry when I should.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  You don't know his name either, but you're saying you want, you want him to mentor you.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  Scott, A- Andrew Scott.

• 21:50Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Well, you've ruined that now.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  He'd be a great one. I was watching that. I started re-watching The Thing on Netflix last night.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  You're like, I can't remember your name, but I'm a huge fan. Do you know what's, I had, I had a request from, do you ever get these requests from universities where they ask you if you'll come in and they can give you a honorary doctorate or award or something like this? Well, I had one from an Irish university that came in. I won't say who it was, because whatever. But my agent sent it on and he was like, my agent, which shows he doesn't read emails either, was like, oh, this is great. Look at this. This is steady. Look at this. An honorary blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, okay. And I read it. It was like, firstly, it was Dear Joanna.

• 22:31Speaker 00

  And then it said, um, basically it said to say it had been copy and paste. This had obviously been rejected by about 16 people. It was like, we love your contribution to acting, which I never acted in my life. And then it said also your, your online, your, your contribution to the online, your contribution to the internet or something like this, like no mention of comedy or anything. And then at the end it said.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Maybe they didn't like your contribution to comedy.

• 23:00Speaker 00

  They were like, we'll ignore that part. But we'll bring you in for that cameo you had in, um, that Sharon Horgan show, Women on the Verge. It wasn't even a cameo, because a cameo suggests you have a profile and they wheel you in. They just, I just fucking got a tiny part. And then at the end it said, we hope he is open to our offer. He.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Oh, stop.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I don't know how many people turned it down, but I was like, I think I'll have to pass on this. I would like to be a doctor, but.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  No, I, I, I get that sometimes. And it's like, hey, and it's somebody else's name. And then you know who that was. It's like, come on, like, don't be, don't be that sloppy. Not that sloppy.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  I know. You get an email and they're like, we really hope that Joanna can take part in this. And we're like, can't wait to hear from you, Angela Scanlon. You're like, oh, okay.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  We know we're trash, but at least show like a little bit of respect.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  Come on. Yeah. He's writing your copy.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  Someone was asking me for tickets for your gig and they were like, I can't get onto Joanna. And I was like, well, first of all, I hope you didn't get onto her, call her Joanna, because she's not.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  I was like, please stop calling her Joanna.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  I'll answer to that then.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Dirty Joanna.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Happy International Women's Day.

• 24:11Speaker 00

  Well, happy International Women's Day, Vogue. I mean, it's a bit late now, considering I was completely snubbed

• 24:18Speaker 00

  by your collage of the women who mean the most to you.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  I got myself a glue gun. Is that of any interest to you?

• 24:26Speaker 00

  Okay, are we sniffing glue now? Go on, what's the crack? I'll go down.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  I love that that's your first avenue. No, Joanne.

• 24:34Speaker 00

  Finally, something we can do together. Great, hit me.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  No, Joanne, I've started crafting. Thank you very much.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Listen, it's the schooling system in England. You have to make Easter bonnets and I want my child to go in with a great Easter bonnet. So I said, do you know what? I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go in on it this year and I'm gonna make two really great Easter bonnets. And I need a glue gun for that. And I just, I just really feel like I've, it's like when I got that drill that I still haven't used, that you wanted to borrow, which I'm glad you didn't and weren't able to.

• 25:08Speaker 01

  It's the glue gun now.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Just once you don't set up a stall in Battersea Park selling your own brooches, that's, that's when I will ring your mum. I'll do a wellness check. I just, just don't set up an Etsy account. Don't lose the run yourself. Stick to the hats.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  You don't want your crochet cushion I made you? No?

• 25:24Speaker 00

  I, I, I do.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  You do?

• 25:27Speaker 00

  I do.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  You can, it will not fall apart because it's glued together.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  So I can prove it to show to Sandra you are having a breakdown. I'll be like, see? Sandra, I told you.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Sandra, you need to step in. It's really gone wrong for her.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Can I, can I direct you to the crocheted cushion, please? She's not well.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  If you had a glue gun, you would, your life would change.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  Oh, it would.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Probably for the worse.

• 25:50Speaker 00

  I'd be gluing everything to everything. Anything like that. Like, I just like the power of it.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  There's a couple of random things that I wanted to buy this week. The glue gun was one of them and I did follow through on it. But a follower sent me a picture of this taxidermy. Wait for it. And you're gonna tell me to buy it because it was fantastic. Ethically, I don't know how it works, but it was there. It was in a shop. A follower sent it to me. Garth the giraffe, just the neck up. It looked so cool. Garth the giraffe. Imagine him downstairs.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Sorry. Well, I don't know what the ethics on taxidermy are because we stuff people. So like, why not animals if they're already dead? Do you know what I mean? Like, if they're dead, they're dead. Maybe they, maybe, I don't know. But see, because of your privilege and skin colour, it's gonna look like you shot it yourself. That's my own concern.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  That's my concern. When you're giving people a high story, they're like, she shot that thing. It's gonna look like you went into the zoo in Battersea Park, shot a giraffe for crack to entertain yourself and your kids, dragged the thing home, and didn't even bother with the car, the body, because you're like, I couldn't be arsed.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  Well, it's like, you can't hold a whole giraffe. You can't. It's like when Winston kicks the bucket. I can't have the whole bod. It's just gotta be the head.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, the bust. It's the bust.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, for sure.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  Well, I hope when I die, you use my bust. And by bust, I mean just my tits.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Oh, God, yeah. I'm not gonna get rid of them.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  No, just keep the tits. Yeah, they're like, your mom McNally's bust. And it's literally just my boobs.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  It's the part of you I'd miss the most, to be honest. So that's what I would just wanna keep.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  And I want the nipple stuff so they're always kind of erect, so people remember me as being kind of a sexy person.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Topless or a little?

• 27:28Speaker 00

  Of course, topless. Of course, topless.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Okay, okay. I did think. I do have children in the house, so I just wasn't sure. I might have to pop you downstairs out of their eye line.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Sorry, but I am so healthy. Oh, I'll live forever.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  I will be rolling in my grave.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  Because you will still be up there.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Just polluting yourself.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. What'll happen is because you're the healthier person, it'll be, something ironic will happen and you'll die first.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  That would just, that would just be so unfair.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  You'll die first. I will live a long, long, long, long life. And I will end up befriending Sharon Horgan and you'll be rolling in your grave.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  That's not gonna happen. I'm gonna make sure of it, right? We'll fight to the death.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Did I tell you it was Pat's birthday?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  No, happy birthday Pat.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  It was Pat's birthday and she spent the whole day thinking she was 77 and at the end of the day she realised she was 76.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  What a birthday treat.

• 28:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  That's a good, that's so nice. I thought you were gonna say 78, so that's very good.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  They say that's what happens. You get to a stage where you're like, oh, what am I, what am I, anyway, yeah, turns out she's a year younger than she thought she was, which is obviously great news to me because obviously my biggest fear in life is that she's going to die at some stage, so it's nice to know I have an extra year with her.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, God, that really scares me. I tend, I tend to get my age wrong though as well. I go down though, I'm like, I'm 38 and then I'm like, no, I'm not 38. And I've had to start thinking about my 40th birthday. I'm really considering it.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  You're on the way to my side, baby.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  It's happening.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  Can't wait to have you.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  I don't feel sad about it at all.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  No, why would you?

• 29:02Speaker 01

  I feel like it really snuck up on me. Like, I used to look at 40 year olds and be like, they are ready for the grave. And now I am one of them.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  You know what they say? They say your twenties and thirties are for learning, making a bit of money, figuring yourself out. And then your forties, you just get to enjoy all the groundwork you've done. You just get to chill. You're, you're, you're an adult. You're, you're like, there's no disputing adulthood at 40. I still wake up in my own house. I'm like waiting for my mum to come home. Like, I've got a free gap. I'm still lying myself. Well, no, this is your house. You live here. You're a grown up.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  I used to think that I'd love to go back to my twenties, but I wouldn't because the twenties were so messy. You were so unsure of yourself. Like, now I'd, I might go back for like a sesh when I was 20, just like.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  A par, a two day party. Well, we'll dip the toe in for a two day party.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  I'm telling you now, 40 is the sweet spot. I'm telling you.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  Well, I'm really trying to figure out what I'm gonna do for the 40th because I'm gonna have to start. I, I think I wanna do it a little bit earlier because I think I wanna do something in my house in Ireland and have it outside. So I need to do it when it's sunny. So I'll wait till the kids go back to school because as soon as the kids go back to school, that's when the sun comes out.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  Oh, great idea.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. Always happens, every year.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll be there with the giraffe. What's his name?

• 30:10Speaker 01

  Garth.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  I think I'm just more excited to be, to be going into my 40s because I remember when I was going into my 30s, that's when I got divorced and that's when I literally was like, oh, well, that's it for me. I'm never gonna have, I genuinely thought to myself, I'm never gonna have kids, I'm never gonna get married. This is like, I, I wanted to be in such a different position in my 30s. Like, I kinda thought I'd ruined everything for myself. And then to think back that that's nearly 10 years ago, where I am now, it's just, it's so nice to, to see that life moves forward and it does get better.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  And then you ruined everything for yourself by doing those things.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  You didn't know how fucking good you had it. Now look at you. Kids swinging off your tits, raising a husband.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, what silence? I've nev-, I don't even know what silence is. I had silence in my house the other day and I thought it was haunted. I was like, what the hell is going on here?

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Whereas if I have any noise, I'm like, oh my God, I've got sensory issues, I've got sensory issues.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Parker Posey, who's, is the, uh, one of the leads in The White Lotus, series three, which by the way, I am loving, even though it's slower and darker than season one and season two.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  Totally agree with you.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  Her mother said, a woman has to reinvent herself in her 40s. And I thought, that is actually very observant. You do, you don't have to, but you kind of naturally tend to. And Parker Posey is now having a massive moment. She's 56. And one of the best lines, this, I was on an interview with her in, uh, Style Mac, and one of the best lines from The White Lotus is that her character is called Victoria Ratliff. And, um, one of her opening lines in The White Lotus is, someone stole my lorazepam, I'm gonna have to drink myself to sleep. What a woman. We love to see it.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  I love Amy Lou Wood as well. I think she's brilliant in it. Her and the fella are so funny. I actually think it's a really good series.

• 32:01Speaker 00

  She's got a real seventies vibe. She's got those amazing teeth. And do you know what I love about her as well is we are, there's so much kind of cosmetic surgery going on and veneers and all that shit. And I'm sure, I'm sure she wouldn't mind, I'm sure she doesn't mind the commentary on, but she's just so, she just looks deadly. She just looks like anyone else. She's got her own look and feel and I love that because I think we can all get a bit, and I say that I put myself in this bracket as well. You can get sucked into this. There's a look and we all kind of look the same.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Well, so I regret, and my mom always told me I regretted it, but there was no stopping me when I was 14. I had a, I used to have a huge gap in my, in my front teeth. Just all my other teeth were, were exactly like they are now, but I got rid of the gap and my mom said, you're gonna regret that. I'm like, oh my God, I should have kept the gap. It would have been less boring.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  I, I, and do you know what? You've actually put, you nailed it. When we, when we all get the work done and we all end up kind of looking the same, it's boring. Whereas when you get actresses or actresses that come through and they look different.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  They have a different look and you're like, I love, there's just, it just adds so much to it. I just love it. She's also in Toxic Town, which is a great show that I watched on Netflix as well.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  I haven't seen Toxic Town.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  Parker Posey is 56 and she is having a moment. And she was gone. She was just doing indie films for like $70 a day and no more cast her in kind of mainstream stuff because they said she was too indie. And now look at her, 56 and she's banging, she's back, she's having a ball.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Absolutely, Nellie. It's really good, that series. I'm enjoying it.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  Brilliant. And it's this weird slow, you're like, what's happening? It's this building weird tension. And I forgot the first episode, there's a big shoot up. I keep forgetting that we have to figure out who, who's shooting it up. And anyway, yeah, it's all, it's a bit of a whodunit.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  But you know what I was surprised by? Cause I thought that they swapped the whole cast all the time, but there's two of the cast members from, from like the first series are now in this series. So I'm like, like, I know that Jennifer Coolidge can't come back, but I'd love if she'd come back.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  Jennifer Coolidge was in the first and the second series.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  They're planting. It's all this, like they're a lot of drama. And then Greg, who went out with Jennifer Coolidge's character in, in season two is now in season three, but we know he had her killed. So it's like.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  It's Poirot. I love it.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  And Natasha Rothwell is in it and she was like, she was one of the, she works in the hotel in the first season.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  If I won the Lotto, I would try and buy my way into being cast in White Lotus. You know, they live in those hotels for months and months and months and months and months. Which sounds like hell.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Can I be honest with you? I am, a little plug here for Never Live It Down, I interviewed Arden Lohanlin and Arden Lohanlin, he's on Monday, so this is out on Friday, so he'll be the episode on Monday. And he did this show in the Caribbean, he was in Guadeloupe and he was like, it sounds like it was a, it was a great job, but he was like, but I was working like 12 hour days, six days a week and then he'd have a day off and he'd leave his family for like six months and he would just be out there on this little island. So it's like,

• 34:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  They're working their artists off, I'd say.

• 34:58Speaker 00

  Totally. Parker Posey did say the director said to her, welcome to the golden cage because

• 35:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:05Speaker 00

  you can't go home, you're stuck. And it sounds like a dream, like, oh, you're in the Four Seasons for seven months. But you know yourself, anything that you can't leave becomes hellish, really. But as hells go, I'd choose the Four Seasons in Thailand if I had to.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  I find when I stay in hotels, I get really weird after a while because sometimes I just want to sit and like, I just want to have a bowl of cereal. It's kind of hard to make that happen at like 8 o'clock at night.

• 35:30Speaker 00

  I know. You're like, oh, another fresh fruit platter.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Oh no, this is hell. Send me to Guantanamo Bay just to spice it up. Just need to change a scene. Bring me to a Travelodge.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  I'm too spoiled.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  I'm too spoiled rotten, my god. Actually, I would do it. I would 100% go and stay

• 35:49Speaker 01

  in that golden cage in Thailand and I'd be very happy about it.

• 35:53Speaker 00

  I'm thinking I might take acting class. I feel like I need to start acting. I want to get cast in something cool.

• 36:01Speaker 01

  Well, as I told you, I did the Gayley School of Acting. I, I would do an acting class in London with you. That could be our thing that we do together. I used to love going to acting classes.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  I think I'd more like a weekend.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  You just want to do an acting weekend?

• 36:17Speaker 00

  I'd just like to do a 48 hour acting course and then get cast in White Lotus. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  It sounds reasonable to me, to be honest. Yeah. Or if Sharon Horgan's listening, I'll do a week.

• 36:29Speaker 00

  Of acting classes, if you put me in Bad Sis, just serious.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  I'll do, I'll do four days if you put me in Amanda Land, season two, which is coming back, by the way. Season, oh my god, this is like, I hope Sharon Whorgen never hears how much we've been talking about.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  I know, it's really embarrassing. Cut all of this.

• 36:45Speaker 01

  It's actually sounds a bit socrates.

• 36:47Speaker 00

  Maybe there's a, there's a, there's a world where Sharon was like, I might reach out to those two, and then she hears this and she's like, wow.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  I couldn't have them around me, they'd be so full on. So Sharon, what did you do this weekend? Tell me about yourself, Sharon, and what were you like when you were ten?

• 37:00Speaker 00

  Like I took out a restraining order against you two, that's what I did.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Oh, lessons have been learnt. Let that be a lesson to, next year, I want a little statue in your garden of me.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  I've actually already started erecting it, would you believe?

• 37:16Speaker 00

  Good.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  Erect away. I just wanted to say erect.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Do you remember we were talking about cruises last week?

• 37:24Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 37:25Speaker 01

  My phone must have been listening to me because my algorithm is now, which I'm not against is loads of cruises. Because I will eventually road test a cruise, but I watched this one of this woman who.

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Road test a cruise? Do you mean water test a cruise?

• 37:39Speaker 01

  I will water test the cruise. I just find them a bit scary. I don't like hearing about the people that are going overboard and stuff. I just.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  I know, it makes it sound like when you spend some time on the internet, it sounds like every cruise, about sixty people get thrown off board or fall off board or get murdered off board. But I'd say it's actually quite far between.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Like, think of all the cruises and all the thousands of people go, but you just focus on those stories and it's like, and she was never seen again. I'm like, oh. But this woman said she was travelling on her own, right? And she did this TikTok and basically here's her 12 tips. She did this whole story. So she put a deep sleep sign on the door, secure the door with a portable door lock. So she bought her own door lock to add to the door that was already locked. Then she covered the people with, with a plaster. Then she locked the doors from opening because she got two hangers out of the wardrobe. And then did another lock over the door as well as the lock. Then she rolled a medium tail and put it behind the handle so people couldn't push the handle down. Then she installed a door.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  Alarm, doorstop, so a little doorstop. So if anyone pushed the door, an alarm would go off. Then she got this chair and put the chair up against the door. And then she installed a wireless security camera above her bed. And then she went around checking for mirrors, checking the mirrors for hidden cameras. And then she had this hairbrush that basically you could, you could take the end of it off. And she was putting all her money in this hairbrush, so it was hidden. And then she went and checked outside to make sure that nothing was there. No, no lurkers or anything just hanging outside. And then she closed the curtains and used towel clips. I mean, that kind of, that kind of scared me again about the cruise. Like, why is she doing that?

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Because she's paranoid and insane. Like, listen, I get it.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  Please watch us.

• 39:23Speaker 00

  But like, women are vulnerable. There isn't that level of security in the joy, which is our prison in Ireland. Like, that's ridiculous.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  I'd say, Joanne, I'd say you was left with the door wide open.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  What the hell?

• 39:35Speaker 01

  I remember once in uni, we went away with our, with our whole class. And I got absolutely deranged. And they all had gone to a nightclub and they had to drop me back and wake up the lecturer, who was like this six year old man. And basically he had to leave my door open because he was worried something would happen to me. So I just slept with the door open all night.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  I have to say, look, I get it. We all need to like be a little bit careful. But if I had to up my security game to that extent, I'd just not go on the cruise.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 40:02Speaker 00

  Also, do you know what my mother would, this is real, my mother would be like, Jesus, she's great notions about herself. That's what my mother would say.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Sure, who'd want to rob you anyway?

• 40:10Speaker 00

  You have great ideas about yourself that you think someone would want to break into your room. That'd be something my mother would say. Maybe she'd be like, you have notions about yourself. This is an notions 11 situation.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  I mean, she'd be dead, right? Come on, there's a, there's a bit too much security there. And then I was thinking, what, what are you planning on doing if there's a fire on the ship? You're, you're, you've screwed yourself. You've locked yourself into, to, to like a, a room that's just going to hold all this smoke because you can't get the door open.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  If I, even if I was on a cruise in a, if I was on a prison boat, and this is more about me because I'm so lazy. And I, I was somehow involved in taking them to some prison on, what's that prison on the rock? Alcatraz. I wouldn't, I wouldn't engage in that level of security. Now, that's just me. I'm lazy and I've probably got something awful coming to me in my future, but I wouldn't bother.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  We've stayed in hotels when we were on tour, like some in, I think it was, where was it? I think it was in Liverpool and it was this gorgeous, big, old hotel. But I was so scared because they put me like way off and I was actually more scared of like ghosts and stuff. And I had to go down to reception. I was like, can I move closer to reception?

• 41:15Speaker 00

  You were stooped.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  I was just a bit scared. I was like, but I didn't have a doorstop or anything like that. I did like the doorstop idea. I'll give her the doorstop.

• 41:23Speaker 00

  Sure, I'm still drinking out of hotel cattles, even though I'm still getting about three stories a week from people saying about what goes on at those cattles. I'm just like, oh, fuck it. Whatever, not going downstairs.

• 41:35Speaker 00

  I just moved the human feces aside and boiled it. I'm just like, whatever. Oh my God. Pull out the knickers from someone else. I'm like, grand.

• 41:44Speaker 01

  Boiled it a couple of times. It'd be grand.

• 41:48Speaker 00

  You can overthink things, you know, you can overthink things. That's what my friend Chelsea Anders says, my mentor. So I agree with her.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  I've started picking up chewing gum off the ground again because, do you know what? I'm trying to be more sustainable. I'm not overthinking things.

• 42:00Speaker 00

  That really sounded like you were saying you're going to eat it. Is that what you're trying to build up some? You're trying to build up your gut health or something? What's that about? Is it you throwing it on the ground and then picking it up again?

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Because I used to do that when I was younger. I used to eat chewing gum off the ground because I wasn't allowed to have chewing gum. So I've started doing that again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  I swallowed my chewing gum yesterday in a job and everyone was like, what the hell is wrong with it? I was like, are you still living in a world where you think that that's going to stay in your stomach for eight years? I swallowed chewing gum all the time. Sometimes I can't find a bin. I am the bin.

• 42:30Speaker 00

  I have no idea why I know this, but apparently chewing gum is absolutely fine to swallow. I was reading about it for some reason recently. I've no, oh, do you know what it was? I read about one of those trad wives. She's been making chewing gum from scratch. And I was like, oh my God, if I was making chewing gum from scratch for my kids, I'd want them to just swallow it forever. Like, I wouldn't want to spend all that time cooking something. Yeah. And I was like, can you swallow chewing gum? Anyway, off I went down to chewing gum hell. It's absolutely grand.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  I've said, someone said to me yesterday, it's like rubber. I was like, do you think chewing gum is made of rubber? I was like, of course it's not made of rubber. It's this tiny thing. I've swallowed loads of chewing gum. I am the test bunny. Yeah.

• 43:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd rather swallow chewing gum than halloumi, whatever the fuck that is.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Oh my God, I love halloumi.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Dog toy cheese. Ugh, gross.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Well, John, that's it.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  What?

• 43:15Speaker 01

  That's it for the main app. Yeah. I know we're having an absolute ball.

• 43:20Speaker 00

  We haven't even started on politics. We always do a political section.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  So what were you thinking about Keir Starmer then?

• 43:27Speaker 00

  Who? I don't buy that anymore. It doesn't fit me.

• 43:32Speaker 00

  The sizes are all off.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  I think you're thinking of Jane Norman or something.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry. I thought you meant H and M.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  That was the main app. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening.

• 43:45Speaker 00

  In particular, thank you to Chelsea and Sharon.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, for making up the vast majority of our episode.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  And I'm assuming by the time this airs, by the time we record our next pod, I will be in the warm bosom of Chelsea and you'll be in the warm bosom of Sharon.

• 43:59Speaker 01

  I'm actually very excited for our new lives.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  So am I.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  I have a feeling we will just be still in each other's warm bosoms, but we can always hope and pray. Please, God. Please, God. God bless.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  If anyone's interested in attending Vogue's book tour or my stand-up tour, all the tickets are available wherever you get your tickets.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Da da. Da da. And you can also preorder my book if you would like to. And if you would like the audio, you can buy that once it's recorded.

• 44:30Speaker 00

  You should really get me to do that, you know.