Joanne In Europe, Kelly Osbourne & 40th Plans

Vogue doesn't turn 40 until October, but that doesn't mean she's not WAY down the track on plans to celebrate. Enquiries have been made, goals have been set and invites are pouring out. Meanwhile, Joanne has made her way from Lisbon to Amsterdam, so the summer of European inter-railing with Gearóid is officially underway! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com Joanne's comedy gigs: www.joannemcnally.com This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome to my therapist ghosted me with me Vogue Williams and

• 0:19Speaker 02

  Joanne McNally.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  We think your hair looks nice today, Jo, because it's wet but not too wet.

• 0:29Speaker 03

  Thank you. It's quite heavily greased.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  It doesn't, oh, with product, not grease.

• 0:35Speaker 03

  Well, it is grease. It is oil based. It is, it is a grease situation.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Otto rubbed his hair, rubbed butter in his hair this morning and I have a real thing about them looking clean going to school. But I tried a bit of dry shampoo, wasn't really taking control of the butter. So I had to dip his head over the bath, which he didn't enjoy, but his hair looks nice now.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  He's gonna have to get used to it if he's gonna keep buttering his hair, you know? I was staring at a baby in Amsterdam airport for so long yesterday that the father reversed the buggy away and moved the child over to the other side of the baggage carousel.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Interacting or just, interacting or just staring?

• 1:13Speaker 02

  Staring. Now, it was a very, it was a very starey baby. It was one of these incredibly cute fat babies with all the Sharpay dog skin. Like it had all folds, you know? It looked like a little sumo wrestler and he was, and the baby was crammed in, you know, the luggage trolley things. He was crammed into the little bit at the top. So it was even more folded over and it was just being really cute. And I was tired and I probably stared a little too long, but I noticed the father looking at me and then he just like reversed it. I was like, I'm not gonna, what do you think? I'm gonna abduct it in broad daylight in the middle of Amsterdam airport?

• 1:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. Excuse me. I'm in Amsterdam. Do you think I want to take on your baggage for this trip? I don't think so.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  I'm not paying to get her to Antwerp.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  Wait, so hang on, you were in Lisbon yesterday. Is that yesterday?

• 2:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  How's Lisbon? You actually went out?

• 2:04Speaker 02

  Did I?

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I saw, Joanne's in Lisbon on tour, and now she's in Amsterdam on tour, but you were, I saw you with a panda, you went out.

• 2:12Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry, Vogue, Vogue's this idea that I just lie cocooned in bed all day, every day in the dark, and then just get up like a vampire, do an hour show and then go back to bed. I do actually get out and about, I enjoy a bit of vitamin D on the skin. It stops me getting rickets. Yeah, I went out and about in Lisbon, gorgeous city. I always forget, Lisboa is, it's stunning.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Haven't been to Lis-, is that where you went with your friends? And that's where we got the pictures for the pod tour, where you were lying on the ground in a bar?

• 2:40Speaker 02

  Yes, Vogue, it is, well done.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  I don't even have a good memory, just of, I just know everything that you do and retain it.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  For anyone who wasn't at the pod tour, we used photos of how Vogue holidays versus how I holiday, and Vogue was kind of working out and doing her stretches, and I was rolling around on the ground of a bar in Lisboa. Do you know what, I made a very big, and it was actually a very, was it a classic me move? I had two shows in Lisboa, I had a nine o'clock and a half six, and I misread the sales before, I thought they were about sold out, so I did absolutely nothing to promote them.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Oh, sold out, you were probably like, sold out.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  Sold out, baby, nothing to see here, just a global superstar.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Anyway, turns out one of them was sold out, the other one was absolutely not sold out. First was a 350 seater, so I put on a second one, because the first one did sell.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Turns out 400 people wanted to see me in Lisbon.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Fifty people in the second one. Now, in fairness, I wish I'd known, I didn't know, I need to pay, I would have given it a push, but I didn't, but we, so the first show was to 50 people, and it's like, it's quite a big room, and I was like, oh god, this is, and it was the first show of the Vengabo's tour, and I was like, oh god, when I say it was so much fun, honest, Vogue, you wouldn't have even done it, because I know you have a 500 minimum rule for your performances, but I went out there like a fucking season pro. Actually, I went out beforehand, before Groan was on, and I was like, okay, um.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  You went out before Groan to introduce Groan. Wait, was this a half six, I don't even, mental people.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Half six.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  I would have been all over that.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Fifty people, and I went out and I was like, okay, okay. We noticed, because I was online going, she's on her shows, baby.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  You probably noticed.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  I say they're like, Joanne McNally is the biggest fucking spoofer on the internet.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  You went out and said that.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  I had to. I had to flag us.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  And, excuse me, I would, I would do a show now to, well, not under five people after you gave me my life advice that I had took on board. But yes, not under five.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  You get your ass out there and you perform your tits off. Because always, the rule is, the people, sometimes act and like, I, I don't know if I, I always kind of tried to say I've done it myself to make me sound like I'm slagging people less. But I actually don't think I have done it myself. They get annoyed and they almost kind of take it out on the, on the small audience that have actually bothered their hell to come and see you.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  Oh, so they'd be pissed off for the show?

• 5:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's all fucking, you know, they're, they let their ego get in the way a little bit. But you go, you go out, these are the people who've actually spent money to come and see you. So we went out and they were so lovely. And then some of them came back for the second show, which was fun.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Did you have the, have you had a custard tart? Oh, you've left Lisbon. I, I wouldn't say they'd be up your street, but they are delicious. A pastel donata.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, someone actually was saying to me, have you any tips for Lisbon? And I was like, I have those little cake, greg pie, yellow lemon things is my only tip. They're gorgeous. Oh, but you can get them in London. I had a gorgeous one in London. What are they called? The patties?

• 5:39Speaker 01

  The pata, pata, pata della donata or something like that. And they aren't the same in London, Joanne. That's like saying that a croissant in France is the same as a croissant in London. In France, they use only sticks of butter in their croissants.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  Well, listen, I'm not gonna, I don't mean to offend the Portuguese culture, but it was fucking, I bought, I had one off Oxford Street and it was fucking delicious. But yes, there's those little custard cakes. Craft on the custard cakes, Portugal.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  God, I love custard. Yum. Highlight.

• 6:04Speaker 02

  But, um.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Are you going to a brothel today now? You're in Amsterdam.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  I've, I've not, I was saying to, I don't know where I thought I was, I've no, I've no time. I have to look at you two spuds for the next three hours and then I have just pretty much time for sound check. And then I have to go and get my, I think, I was, when I say me and Garode are like two pensioners on a bus trip, he slept in, I was in bed by half nine last night in Amsterdam. I thought we were gonna be out tearing the tiles up. Today I have to go to the doctor and get my ear syringe before the show. I've gone deaf in my left ear.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Welcome to my world.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Garode's knitting.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  No, please no.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  It's a shambles.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Oh my, but that sounds right up my street. I'm sorry, that's like, that's a holiday I would enjoy. I should have gone on your European tour with you.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  You should have. It's basically like an episode of The Golden Girls.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Well, now, I can't wait. I can't wait to see what happens to Joanne this weekend because I was meant to, our friends at home. One of our friends called Martin Gohn, who is an amazing director and he's just, he's very, well, he's not eccentric. He's just has brilliant ideas for parties. And he's been having a party for years called The Wake. And he's doing it in Europe and Joanne is going, I can't go because I've got to go to a wedding, but I can't wait. It's gonna be, are you performing?

• 7:18Speaker 02

  I'm not, would you believe? So Martin is, he's a very, very creative person and he-

• 7:23Speaker 01

  That's it. Not, I was-

• 7:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  She's like, he's insane.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Not peculiar, I meant creative.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  He's contrary. He's a very creative person.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Not normal.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  And we have a very creative group of friends.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, we do.

• 7:38Speaker 02

  They do a performance every year for his birthday and he bought a house on the cheap in, I call it Puglia, Puglia, I think it is, in Italy. They were doing some sort of deal there, because I think they wanted to build up the area.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  Incredible, his house now.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, he bought it and he's done it up. And so we're all going there for his 40th. But I said to him, I said, do you mind, Martin? I said, I'm coming from performing. I would love to just kick back. So he said, I can manage the crowds.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  I would just suggest you get up there and perform Good Girls and bring your bongo and-

• 8:12Speaker 02

  I didn't even think like-

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Do it, you could have done, do it, why is God about Good Girls?

• 8:16Speaker 02

  That's yours. You wrote that from scratch. I wouldn't feel right.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  You did the, yeah, yeah. Do you think I wrote a single word?

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Every single lyric you wrote yourself, Vogue. I know that.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  Okay, I did. You're right.

• 8:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. What was your man's name again who wrote it?

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Tom Diesel. I sang and performed, performed it.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  You sang and performed and I did the ribbons on the, on the Girls tour. But no, I said, Martin, I'll take, I'll take this one out. I'll sit this one out if you don't mind, but I am going to Puglia for a couple of days and then back to Berlin.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  I think the main performers should do the performing, like, you perform differently. We don't like dancing and you have to dance at The Wake and it's just not for us.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  He's built a stage in his back garden and all. I can't wait.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Of course, he's built a stage.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  It's gonna be so much fun.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Maybe I'll employ him for my birthday. That would be a great job. And I'll just say, I'll employ you, but that's my present.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Are there going to be live performances at the birthday?

• 9:08Speaker 01

  I want to get live. Obviously, I've gotten Davina Devine on board already because she

• 9:12Speaker 02

  Oh, fab!

• 9:13Speaker 01

  There's no party without Davina. Jo, you're invited, by the way, but I know that you probably won't come over. But you are invited and I'm planning a year-long celebration.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh. What a heartfelt invitation. Yeah. Very clear she hasn't made room for you at the end.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Well, I haven't, I despite you, but you're, you're probably too busy. I've been, I have to do the paperless post thing. Do you think I am, do you know how hard things like that are for me? I have to send around the invites now. I need to firm up an act. I need a good act. And then I was looking at the Vanga Boys and I was like, imagine I got the Vanga Boys, but I just.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Do you know, do you know how much the Vanga Boys would be?

• 9:44Speaker 01

  I know. I'd say they'd be a lot.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  I'd say they'd be about a hundred grand.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Hmm. I don't know if they'd be a hundred grand now. That's very kind of you, but I don't think they'd be a hundred grand.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  But they bangers, like, plus there's loads of them, so they have to split the fee.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  I know.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  There are taking home a grand each. They're going big.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  I wouldn't like, I would just take one. If anyone has any suggestions for my party of people that I could ask, like, I'd love to have a performer. I asked one of my favourite performers, but she is on holidays and doesn't want to not be on holidays.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. And was that me? No, it wasn't. Who's your favourite performer?

• 10:17Speaker 01

  I'd never ask you to perform again after what I did to you in Scotland and only after.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  The cruelest, cruelest thing you've ever done to me. And there's a long list, but that's up the top. It's the meanest thing.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Perform, monkey!

• 10:32Speaker 02

  It was abuse. And then no one would look me in the eye for about half an hour after I finished, even longer. In fact, I don't think Spencer's mother's ever looked me in the eye since, to be honest.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  It could, there's nothing worse. I just, I'm sad you didn't see Amber perform in Caledonia because for a girl, I didn't understand what was happening. I was like, why is she singing? I don't understand. A terrible voice. Didn't even know all the words and it was worse than you, I'm just saying. And I enjoyed your performance.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  That does make me feel a little better.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  What are you looking up, Jo? How much the Wenger Boys are?

• 11:02Speaker 03

  Well, if you ask Google AI, and I never know with these AI answers that pop up at the top. But I just Googled how much to book the Wenger Boys, says it's generally in the range of 14,500 euros per hour.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  I mean, I don't want them. I only want them for an hour.

• 11:18Speaker 03

  Well, there you go.

• 11:18Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 11:21Speaker 03

  By the time you've flown them over, you're talking 15,000 euro.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's AI. I think they'd be more than that.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Sometimes the computer over- overestimates massively. Speaking of AI, I was reading something this morning. Did you see, did you see this AI got 82% on an emotional intelligence test and human beings only got 56?

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Oh my god. They're probably gonna be woke robots.

• 11:45Speaker 02

  This means we can, I'm now willing to date a robot. I wasn't sure before, but now that there's some sort of emotional intelligence going on, I'm all about it now. It also means that we should encourage our men to rely more on ChatGPT because ChatGPT are actually going in and out of the park now.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  I know somebody who uses ChatGPT for so many things, like text messages and everything like that, responses to arguments and like, you can tell. What about that? There was somebody in Ireland, a minister, who used ChatGPT to write something about Gaza and they were like, you've written, you've used ChatGPT, like what the hell? You get called out all the time.

• 12:20Speaker 02

  They do. Isn't there a lot of dashes and stuff? You can kind of tell from the grammar that it's ChatGPT. I have to say, because I enjoy writing, I don't like, I think some people, I know that one of my mates, she feels she's quite stiff on text, like she doesn't, she's like, she's like, I'm great in person, but in text, I'm a little cold, a little stiff, a little abrupt. So she's very much leaning on ChatGPT at the moment to help her kind of loosen up her texts to boys and stuff. And she's finding it very useful. But I will say, I don't think ChatGPT is full of personality. It's a bit dry.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  A bit dry. Well, to be honest, can I be honest? I downloaded it. I don't know why, because I don't know how to use it and I've never used it once. I don't know what to use it for, except for now looking at how much ours is cost.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  I look at it for suggestions of things to do or capacity for, like, to be honest, there's nothing really in it that I couldn't get off Google. But I just feel like everyone's using it now, even though it's destroying the planet.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  I don't, I see, I don't even know how it's destroying the planet. I don't really understand that part of it either.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  It uses loads of water and they're saying like the next big problem for human civilization is going to be lack of water and this uses loads of water to generate your results. So like, well, you're just looking, what would the guy that I fancy in Me's Baby look like? And actually you're like fucking ruining the rainforest.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Oh God, you can do that? I'd love to see that.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  Exactly. I'm actually doing it in the new show. It's like the amount of work and effort that went into making it and how little plebs like us are using it and how much damage it's doing to the environment and our jobs and everything. And we were like, here, put a, put a puffer jacket on the Pope, will you?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Ah, no, that was worthwhile. Some things are worthwhile. I did enjoy that, but I didn't, I didn't know that you could Google what's mine and like, let's say, who do I really fancy? Mine and Kevin's baby would look like, we're on first name with him, by the way now.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I could, I could put in what would be in Joe.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  That's Costner, isn't it? For anyone confused.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Costner. Everybody knows that. I actually, I Googled the fifth series because I've finished it all now and I've decided I'm not watching it because I didn't like what I read.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  Don't, I've never watched any of it.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  I'm not saying, I'm not saying anything.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  And be aware that I get dog's abuse every time I do a spoiler on this thing. And it could be about a show that came out in 1973 and they'll still be like, spoiler, you should have told us spoilers. So just be careful now.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  I didn't spoil anything. I just said I'm not watching the fifth series.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Cause I've wasn't, didn't, I didn't like the plotline.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  That's what I got you for your birthday. I got you cancel culture insurance. I'm uninsure about me and Prince Andrew, but she said, they said they can, they could do something with her.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  I was actually thinking to myself, I read that online and I was like, that might be good for Joanne because if someone annoys her, there's a good chance she could.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Let's flip out.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  She could go for them. And dead, right?

• 15:08Speaker 02

  There was a girl at the more petite Lisbon show who worked in environmental science or sustainability, one or the other, and I said to her, are we, are we goose, yeah? And she went, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Oh, no, Joanne.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  She said, crack open those plastic straws, it's, it's done, as, yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  For what generation, though? Because we aren't goose, and I feel bad about the rest of them.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  Great question, though, because I went back straight away and I said, okay, give it to me in generation. I said, what about, you know, I'm 42? And she said, you'll be fine. Your kids will be a little hot, but the next generation.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Gone.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Air-fried, yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  That's what she said. But, you know, she'd probably, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know her credentials.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  They might adapt. Humans adapt, will adapt to, to the heat.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  You're right, maybe we'll become waterproof and fire resistant.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I would think is going to happen. So tell us when the rest of your shows are in Europe, if anyone wants to go, considering you keep forgetting to promote them.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  The shows that there's tickets left for, oh, well, the Scandi countries, it's, I think Barcelona's gone.

• 16:15Speaker 02

  Sorry, when's this coming out, Jo?

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Friday.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  It's out on Friday, so you're in Barcelona on Friday, and then after that, Berlin, Oslo, Stockholm, Copenhagen.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. So, perfect, Jo, there you go. Berlin, Osborne.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Oslo.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  Berlin, Oslo, Stockholm.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  Copenhagen, Amsterdam again.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Copenhagen, Amsterdam's gone. Amsterdam, really, they've really pulled out the stops here.

• 16:41Speaker 03

  There you go.

• 16:41Speaker 02

  Must be a lot of Irish in Amsterdam.

• 16:43Speaker 03

  That's the end of the little jaunt in Europe.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  That's the end of it. Liverpool, Bournemouth, Apollo, the earth, the earth. All recommendations, send your friends, send your pals, send your families. Speaking of Osborne, that just was a weird slip there.

• 16:57Speaker 02

  I think the reason I said that was because Brendan Courtney made a holy show of us.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  When?

• 17:03Speaker 02

  In London the other week. I met him for little drinks and we walked past Kelly Osbourne, sitting in a bar. We were walking past, we were exiting a bar in London and we walked past. I clocked her, kept going. Brendan, it was actually, I was like, Brendan, get your shit. He's, he stopped and he squealed like a mouse stuck in a trap.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  Oh no, no.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  And we'd had like two drinks at this point.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Like it wasn't like we'd been out for hours and Kelly kind of jumped.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Oh no, she noticed.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Of course she, he was, he stopped right in front of her and screamed in her face. And I was like, no, no, no, Brendan, Brendan, it was like a child, it was, he was like a child running out into a train track. I tried to grab him.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  But he was gone, he was gone over to Kelly and.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  He went up to her.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  Oh please no, I'd die. That's like Spencer loves it.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  Everyone was looking at him, he screamed. And then he went over to her and to be fair to her, she was so nice, she actually, because I was watching and I was behind her going, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And she, she genuinely reacted to him like no one had ever come up to her before. It was very nice, it was very nice. She seemed very nice. Now, her mother's obviously kind of lost the plot, but.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  Her mom is, her mom, yeah, her mom says some quite unusual things online and.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  Her mom does.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I wouldn't, I have to admit, I would not be her mother's greatest fan, not that her mother gives a shit about me, but one of my favourite things.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  Well, she seemed, she seemed very nice.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Did you ever see what Kelly Osbourne did on that TV show when she was talking about Donald Trump?

• 18:43Speaker 02

  Oh, it was so bad. I did indeed.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  She was on top.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  She was talking about immigration.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  She was talking about immigration and she was trying to be like on the sides of, well, she was trying to be.

• 18:55Speaker 02

  But she's.

• 18:56Speaker 01

  Against Donald Trump and she's like, well, Donald Trump, who's going to clean your toilet? And everyone was just like, have you never seen that show? You'd die if you watched that. Oh, it was, I only watched that recently. I don't know who showed me it again.

• 19:09Speaker 02

  It was pretty bad, God love her, yeah. I just finished the book, the Amy Winehouse book by Tyler James, who was her, Amy Winehouse's best friend. And it's a, it's a great, I listened to it now, it's a great listen. But Kelly Osbourne, I didn't realise Kelly and Amy were very good friends and he speaks very highly of her in, in the book as well. So she seems like a sound one. So yeah, so Brandon met Ollie Shalva, I was like, Brandon.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  I kinda, when I see famous people, I, I don't even act cool. I literally go to the other, like, I'd be quite friendly when I meet people and saying hello to people, but when it's really famous people, I just ignore them. I just, I feel really uncomfortable. I'm like, don't look at them. Yeah, I get really like embarrassed and shy and I'm just like, get me out of here. I don't want to be near anyone famous. I can't stand it. Poor Brandon.

• 19:57Speaker 02

  Squealing, like a trapped cat.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  I'm surprised.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  She jumped.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  I know, but I didn't think that Kelly Osbourne would be that important to Brandon.

• 20:06Speaker 02

  He, apparently he loves her.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  That, well, do you know what? Fair play then. If he met his idol and she was very nice to him, isn't that a nice thing to do?

• 20:15Speaker 02

  She genuinely was like, she, she responded like no one had ever come up to her in her life. She was like, oh my God, thank you so much. I was like, Brandon, get out of here.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  I have to bring up Lindsay Lohan. Like, we have to talk about it. Lindsay Lohan, who has-

• 20:34Speaker 02

  I've, yeah, I've kinda got it out of my system now. I spent 48 hours spiralling about the whole thing. She's basically, yeah, sorry, you tell us later.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Lindsay Lohan, who looks absolutely incredible, we have said she does look incredible, everybody is saying it. But she has said that her new ageless appearance is down to juice and chia seeds or chai seeds, whatever. She says she's a very specific skincare routine. She loves dipping her face in Iwa, in ice cold water. She loves eye patches in the morning and she's into lasers. Now Lindsay, I'm also into lasers. I love a laser.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  I love a laser. We're big Debbie Thomas fans. We go get our shit lasered on the reg, but neither of us look like Lindsay Lohan.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Neither. Lindsay, your glow up was so spectacular and I mean that in the kindest way possible. You look amazing and I could snort chia seeds until the cows come home and I wouldn't look like that. So I'm just saying that I think if you've, like, I know that it took me a long time to admit to the old talks and I did eventually admit to it in my book. I would say that you've got to admit to things when they happen.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  Well, she does admit to botox now. She says she has a bit of botox, but nothing invasive. And when she says she likes dipping her face in ice cold water, I'm like, yeah, because wherever that face is, because you have a new one on now. So I'm sure the other one is immersed somewhere, like a bell jar, and they're going to use it in some sort of medical science. Because you, and someone, I did a little video about it and I was like, come on now, if like chia seeds did that, that's like saying, do you know, that's like saying cucumbers cure cholera. But someone was like, why do you care? I was like, well, I don't really care. I'm just talking about it because it's kind of in the, you know, it's just kind of a topic of conversation. But also, I do feel like it's, she's complete, she's committed some sort of treason against women. I say, all for their head, well, all for their new head.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  I just think with, like, with things like that, when it's so obvious, like, if someone asks you, just say no comment or don't answer about it. It just, it's like Kylie Jenner came out this week, by the way, all hail Kylie Jenner, she looks amazing and she, someone asked her about a boob job on her Instagram and she literally wrote back every single detail about the boob job and said, I hope that helps. And it's like, do you know what Kylie? Thank you. It did help.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  And she, she regrets her tit job, you know?

• 22:57Speaker 01

  I thought they looked great.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  But she said, she said her tits were perfectly fine beforehand and she, she didn't really get it because, especially when you're in that world where it's just so normalized, everyone just gets their tits and their fucking arse done or whatever. But she says she regrets it. But anyway, yeah, at least she's honest about it. And like, the bottom line is, they're not, we're not entitled to have this information.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  No, it's none of our business.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  It's none of our business, but that doesn't stop us discussing it at great length. It's basically the thanks pennies philosophy, do you know what I mean? When you get, it's very much an Irish thing as well. When someone compliments you, you immediately bat the compliment away by saying how cheap the item you have is. So, you know, you'll be like, oh, the bloke, you look great. You're like, thanks, faceland.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  Faceland, poor faceland.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Thanks, faceland. Thank you. I'm going to the land of faceland tomorrow. It's in Belgium. I'll be there. I'm going to do a, I'm going to do a drive by, I'm going to do a racky.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  What do you call, Belgian, what do you call them?

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Belgians.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Just Belgian people?

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Belgians.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  The Belgians, a Belgian, oh my god, lovely chocolate.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  So I went away to Dubrovnik, 10 out of 10.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  It looked gorgeous. I loved the matching swimsuits. It was very sweet.

• 24:08Speaker 01

  Well, the girls were all talking on the group chat about getting a Huns a G and no one had got one in time for the trip. So I went and ordered everybody a Huns a G.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Sorry, what on earth is a Huns a G?

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Oh, they're these.

• 24:21Speaker 02

  I'm glad it's you as well. I assumed it was just me.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Those swimsuits, those swimsuits, the one that like it's one size fit all. They're all those crinkly cut swimsuits. And you can get them in loads of different colours or whatever, and I love them and they're just really flattering. And the girls all wanted one. So I got, that's their 40th birthday present. They all got a Huns a G bikini swimsuit. And we all wore them. And did I feel like a bit of a gobshite? Yes, I did.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  I don't know. It looked, it was like very hen party vibes.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  That's exactly what it was like. But we all turned, a couple have turned 40 and the rest of us turned 40 this year. So we wanted to mark it and go on a little trip together. So we went to Dubrovnik. I did two days. They are still there today.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was so nice. It was very nice to go away.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  It's a lovely thing to have your school friends. I still have my school friends and our lives have all gone in kind of different directions. But we're still in a WhatsApp group. We're still close. I still see them most times I'm home. Not always. I don't always have time to see people. And we did the same. We went to San Sebastian because we all turned 40 in the same year. It's great to have people who've known you since you were in, I was going to say knickers, but thankfully I do still wear knickers.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  I have not.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Not nappies yet, but. They've known you all your life, you know. Those friendships are really worthwhile and they're not always easy to keep. You have to work at them.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  No, I've known the girls for 28 years and I've known them so long that one of my friends, Carly, was like, do you remember that you weren't the tallest, that you were like, you were small in our group? Like, we were all taller than you and we started secondary school. And I was like, oh my God, yes, I was of normal stature when I met you. And then they even still loved me as I turned into a giant.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  More of me too.

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Developed, yeah.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  But it made me very, what I say nostalgic, I don't know, it made me consider my 40th because obviously I was just going to do little bits of bobs. And first of all, I wasn't going to celebrate it. Now I do want to celebrate it. And I actually am of the opinion, I thought I'd be really scared turning 40, but I feel really privileged and happy to be turning 40. And I'm at a good point. I feel like when you're turning 30, you're kind of like. You don't really have your shit together. I feel like I probably don't fully have my shit together at the moment, but definitely a lot more than I did when I was 30. And I'm just excited to turn 40.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  And to be fair to you, my, my take on turning 40 is 40 is undeniably adult. There's no denying you're an adult. So like, I would, I, I use it to kind of throw back in people's faces now. I'm like, I'm a 42 year old woman. For example, when my mother gives me shit for not coming home more often or stuff like that. I'm like, I'm a 42 year old woman. Like, it's my kind of defence mechanism. And also, Vogue, I would say, you've got a lot in on 40 years. Two marriages, three kids, one never ending ferry ad.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  You've been flat out.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  And it continues. And I just feel like I'm at a good, I feel at a happy point in my life. I feel like it's nice. And I was asked a question to people on Instagram, how did they feel when they turned 40? Because I'm feeling so good about it, but some people don't. Spenny, of course, wrote back to it and said, wouldn't know ages away from that. And I wrote back and I said, well, you know what? You're going to regret not wearing SPF, Spencer, because I thought you were 45.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  SPF.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Where's oil?

• 27:32Speaker 02

  Of all the things he's done in his life, that's the maddest one.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  He puts oil on his face and then his lips blister and he says, oh no, that always happens in the sun. That old line.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Kylie, my tour manager, who's Aussie, she doesn't believe in SPF.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  A lot of people are turning against it.

• 27:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. Are they?

• 27:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. A lot of people say that it doesn't work. Now, I would not be of that group of people unless you're going to stay out of the sun.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  What?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  I know.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  That's outrageous.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  I'm not scraping my face off just to get more pigmentation. No, thanks.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  That's a saying water doesn't work. That's crazy.

• 28:36Speaker 04

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• 29:11Speaker 01

  I do think you should perform at my birthday.

• 29:13Speaker 02

  I mean, you know, I'll obviously be performing my own little one woman show in the kitchen. I won't hate this out.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  You'll find you, Anna, in the utility room.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  I'll work the bar.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  I've got you your own bar, man. Are you crazy?

• 29:26Speaker 01

  Here's one, I sobbed the whole day. Someone else, I left my husband. A man mailed it mailed me and said, mail here. I had sex at my female boss and bought a Porsche. So you could say I took it well. I suppose 40 is considered mid, mid, midlife really, because 80 is the average age of death in the UK. How did you feel turning 40?

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Actually, according to the stats, they say you're 35, 36 is middle aged. Also, there's no such thing as middle aged anymore. Middle aged, that, that, that pocket of time doesn't exist anymore. You're young, you're adult, you die. Middle aged, and I don't, I don't think it's a crisis when people kind of fuck shit up when they turn 40. They've just realized that they're, you know, we're all dying. Time is running out. A crisis suggests that they're having some sort of mental breakdown. I think people just remind themselves to enjoy themselves a bit more. Hence the portion, the affairs.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, it wasn't an affair. It was just sex.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Rat. One girl said, I did a 12 week break and did a gym photo shoot. Loved every minute of it. It's just a number. So a lot of people were obviously like, there was a lot of people saying that they hated it. They didn't enjoy it. Loads of people in COVID had their 40th, hated it, understandable. But I just think that like, when you turn 40, but it does make you consider different things. Cause I was Googling a lot about it as well. And like, you consider your health more. You consider what, what your life might be missing, what you could add to your life to make it more fun.

• 30:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I check my lymph nodes now on the regular. Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Of course you do.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  My two pelvic ones are quite swollen at the moment.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  Where's the pelvic lymph nodes?

• 31:00Speaker 02

  By your pelvis.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Well, I didn't even know you had. Where though?

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Near the mound, as I thought.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  Near the mound?

• 31:06Speaker 02

  It's either side of the mound, yeah. So I'm like, oh, okay, that's probably leukemia. So, but now I will actually do something about it, do you know what I mean? Because before, like in your 40s, you do have to start taking shit seriously because, you know, well, people die at all ages sadly, but you know, shit goes wrong. I, I, I got such a balls out of turning 40 because I've always had a bit of a case of arrested development. I've always been a little, you know, my lifestyle has been a little juvenile in comparison to some people my age. And on, on, because I don't have any of the symptoms of your 40s, which is marriage and kids, et cetera. So when I turned 40, I was like, oh, this is a statement piece now. I'm in my 40s now. I can do what I want, when I want.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  And, and no one can deny me those things anymore. Like, and it's usually my, like I say, it's usually in defence of my mother trying to get me to do something. And I'm, I'm, I'm very much establishing the fact that I'm a grown adult and entitled to do as I wish.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  I think for me though, I think when you talk about being a grown up, because like I still have parents and stuff like that. In some sense, I'm a bit like, because I would really like, I'd feel like that if my parents asked me to do something, I'd be like, okay. I just, I'm still in that, maybe it's because I'm.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  Okay, Neil.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  Mine's more so because when you don't have, when you don't have a husband and kids, there can be extra little bits and bobs expected of you because you don't have dependents. So your time is a little less seen as less important sometimes. I think because, you know, other members of the family have families, I don't. So sometimes there's a bit of an expectation there and that's when I kind of drop the old 42 thing on the table.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  I know what you're saying there and I don't think that that's fair. And I, I try not to ever, like, even when people are like, come to hang out with me, like, or something like that. I'd never use that excuse because I have had friends and they're like, oh, well, I've got kids. Like you just do this. And I'm like, but like, that's before I had kids. It's just a bit like, but like, my time is still important as well. So I'm always conscious of doing that.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  When I turned 40 also, I was in a very lucky position because as we know, I did a wild professional pivot in my 30s. Early 30s. I went from public relations to comedy. So by the time I hit forty, it was finally kind of, it had fallen into place. Like, I was working full time and I had a podcast and I had an income and stuff. So I was in a, in a good position as such. It could have been different had that comedy thing not cracked in the way. And I was freaking out about not having a job. So I was lucky in that sense. It was kind of, the timing was quite good for me.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  It had all kind of fallen into place.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can't, I suppose I kind of feel like that too, but I, I still feel because with my job, I still, I'm always trying, I'm always kind of working towards something else. And I feel like with my job, I'm, I always have that little bit of, oh, it could be gone and like, the rug's just gonna get pulled from under me, you know? That way, you're like, ugh, I always have that little bit of fear.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you've already, you've already bought lovely rugs. You've lovely rugs. You've lovely rugs. I asked hard, the rugs are lovely.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  And I've just bought a new rug, actually. So yes, you're right.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  There you go. You're on top.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  I'm very, very good with rugs. There was a thing, right? Here's the top things you need to have done before the age of forty for a fulfilling life, supposedly. Visited a country, you don't speak the language. Look at you, John. Look where you are now.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  That's all I do.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  All you do.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Even my own language, don't speak it. I'm in Ireland, it's like, look at me, rocking it.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Spontaneously hopped on a flight. Now, I haven't done that.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  Hmm, no, I don't think I have. No, but I've missed enough flights to kind of give the same rock and roll feeling.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I haven't done that. I know, to be honest with you, I'll never, I will never do that. Fallen in love, we've done that. I'm falling out of love.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  You can't really jump on a flight spontaneously. Anyway, there has to be some sort of booking and organising.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  Well, Spencer once, um.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  Unless you're a stowaway.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Well, Spencer, in his wild days, once he, they were at a party and it was like five o'clock in the morning and there, someone was like, let's just book a flight and go somewhere. And they booked a flight and went somewhere.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Oh, that's one of those things. You're sobering up. You've just landed in Kazakhstan. You're like, oh, here. No one thought this through.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  He once went home. Some girl invited him to like Canada and he flew. He was, yeah, he was flying from St Bart's. So he had no coat or anything. So he went to Canada. And it was like, he said it was one of the, there's two times.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  No coat?

• 35:31Speaker 01

  No, he said there was two times he thought he was gonna die. And one of the times was when he landed in Canada, no coat. It was like minus 40. And he said he went outside and from walking to the airport, the car, he was like, I don't think I'm gonna make it. Cause it was so cold.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  So he would be quite spontaneous.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  I love the idea of him just frozen to death, walking from Terminal One to a taxi.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  In his little slippers that he used to go around in, yeah.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  Topless in his flip flops.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  Okay, there's other things. Run a marathon. I'll never do that.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, you're grand. That's, no, I don't believe in midlife crises, but I do feel if you are having one, that is a big symptom.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  One thing, now I have to say, I caught a bit of that marathon bug when the marathon was on, but I, I would like to walk it.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Well, you did say you were gonna go and watch it from now on, which I don't think is really catching the bug.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Well, I'm definitely gonna go watch it, but I do have it in my mind. Maybe I'll walk it one day.

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, cyclist. Should drive it. I might drive it one year.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll go with you. I'll come in the back of your car.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, what do you, put me on the, put me in the baby seat in the back of your bike.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  You can, you, you cycle and I'll just sit back and take the content.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  Now, I don't mean to offend you, but the baby seat only takes up to 20 kilos of weight. So I could remove the baby seat and you could go on the backer.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  Oh, well, there's me relapsing.

• 36:51Speaker 03

  There's that walk, isn't there? There's a, a walk, a marathon walk that happens at night in London.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Hmm, I don't really like evening activities, Jo, so that's just not going to work for me.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  Sorry, did I not tell you about the night that they all, did I tell you about this on the podcast?

• 37:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  I was there one night. There was, they do a late night moonwalk. I think it's for breast cancer.

• 37:14Speaker 03

  That's the one.

• 37:14Speaker 02

  And my, my flat, it was on the route.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  It starts on Clapham Common.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  Shut up. All through the night, gaggles of women.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  They do a marathon.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  They're walking.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  No, I just.

• 37:28Speaker 02

  With fake tits. They're wearing these plastic tits. I didn't know what was going on.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  I have a pair of them. I could go.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  You could go. At the start, I was very supportive. I was like, get it, girls. This is really raising awareness. This is great. 4am, as I was like, 4am, I was like, it took me, it took me everything to not shout out the window. That's enough, girls. I have to get up in the morning now. Come on, put the klaxon's down.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  That sounds, it's a nice thing. If they could, if they could move it to a daytime, maybe around 9am would be, would be fantastic for me.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  They're having great crack.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  I want to do the Camino as well. That's one thing that I think I want to do. I would love to do the walk to Everest. Obviously, I'm not going up Everest, but that walk is meant to be incredible and do the Camino before I die. And I want to go to Rio.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  I wouldn't call it a walk up Everest, really, would you? Like this.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  No, I think.

• 38:14Speaker 02

  A walk.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  To Everest, to base camp.

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Oh, to the edge.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  I'm not going up Everest. Have you seen the queues? No, thanks. I don't like queuing, especially not in a freezing cold mountain.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  No, no, no. I'll get my 10,000 steps up elsewhere. Thank you very much. I haven't done any of those things you've just listed, so obviously my, my life is not fulfilled.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Jemaine, I thought you'd be ahead of me and I wanted to ask you some advice for turning 40, but you haven't even gone skinny dipping.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  How can I ask?

• 38:44Speaker 01

  You've gone skinny dipping. Because it says it's on the list. If you haven't done that, I don't want advice off you. If you haven't gone skinny dipping, I just don't bother.

• 38:51Speaker 02

  I skinny dip every day in the privacy of my own shower. Surely that's enough.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  I think you and I grew up in the exact same family where just being naked is just not a thing.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Why would I skinny dip? Imagine I said to go out. He'd have me up in HR. Imagine I was like, come on, we're gonna go skinny dipping.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  I'm Regina and my cousin Cass went skinny dipping when we went to the Maldives and it was the next day that I was like, girls, like, you can't do that in a country like this. Like, they don't accept skinny dippers. Imagine, imagine being dragged away in handcuffs in the nip.

• 39:22Speaker 02

  Naked.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  No way.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  Sorry, speaking of being naked in handcuffs. Oh.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Jemaine, don't, we don't want to know what you get up to in the evenings.

• 39:34Speaker 02

  I fucking wish.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  I don't even have an ankle bracelet on me. I'm not living at all.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  I'll tell you what, neither am I. The chats the girls were having, Jesus Christ.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Really?

• 39:46Speaker 01

  Oh my God. I thought, well done, girls. I'm going to take a little bit of advice here.

• 39:50Speaker 02

  Sometimes, because when you spend time with people, like you rub off on each other and you influence each other. And we've influenced each other in many lovely ways, but I do think we've also influenced each other into becoming quite boring.

• 40:03Speaker 01

  I know. And you didn't used to be as bad as you are now.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  No, I'm very bad, yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  You used to be much more crack. I mean, I was never that much crack, but you, well, I was in my twenties, but you actually dragged it out till the late thirties and now.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  I did. Early forties, I would say. I've really quietened down the last year, but I will say I'm coming back to Amsterdam for three days on my own at the end of this Euro trip. And I am gonna, I mean, what am I gonna do? Eat a space cake on my own, something?

• 40:28Speaker 01

  She'll do a weed jelly and just go home and snooze.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  In her cell.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Oslo, Copenhagen, Stockholm, Berlin, Antwerp, Bournemouth, Liverpool, Dublin, Cork, Killarney.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  She's learnt it.

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Yeovil. Oh yeah, don't forget Yeovil. Birmingham, Dubai. Do something with that, Jo, will you?

• 40:59Speaker 02

  Speaking of naked in handcuffs.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Did you read about the cabin crew person?

• 41:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  Who was found, let me get your article, I'll do a reader.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Having the time of their life.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  I don't think they should be fired for that, by the way. I think that that's really, it's good vibes for work. You're bringing positive energy to the aircraft.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  So basically, long haul flight, I think it was BA, it was BA. I think they were, I think they were going to Australia from San Fran or something like that. And one of the cabin crew went missing.

• 41:34Speaker 02

  Anyway, they found him bollock naked in one of the upper kind of class toilets.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  First class toilets, if you don't mind.

• 41:42Speaker 02

  First class toilets, all of his tits raving away. So the in-flight crew boss was then stunned to find him completely naked and jigging up and down in the Club World cabin lou.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  On his own.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  On his own. He was bundled. Firstly, I'm always surprised, is there some, is there an extra button in those toilets where there's, there's an extension I don't see? Like, how are people riding and partying in those toilets? I could barely turn around in them. Is there an extension there that I'm not aware of?

• 42:11Speaker 01

  They are, no, they're really small, but like that guy, I'd say what happened was he took like acid or LSD or something wild like that.

• 42:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Because why would you be naked? You wouldn't get naked on booze, would you?

• 42:22Speaker 02

  I know, yeah, that, that is kind of the next level, isn't it? He was then bundled into a spare pair of pyjamas reserved for first class passengers. The steward was then escorted to the first class cabin, where he was buckled into a luxury seat for the remainder of the 10 and a half hour journey. I mean, it's not bad. Apparently they had the police waiting for when he landed and all.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Imagine coming to when you just, you finally like, you're having a great time naked in the toilet in your own, and then you come to and you're strapped to a seat at work. You'd be like, oh. If he'd done it on Qantas, I reckon they'd have let him away with it, or Aer Lingus, but it's not acceptable on BA.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  Not acceptable. And apparently the other cabin crew were fuming because they didn't get to take a break or anything because, you know, they had to chicken and fish it for the full 12 air flight because he was off. Because basically they were one man down.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  The absolute fear landing wherever he landed, but like.

• 43:10Speaker 02

  Maybe he thought it was a sleeping tablet, you know? Like, it's, it's kind of unusual to do a load of pills on a plane. Like, there's, you know, I hope he's okay, is what I'm saying.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  It must, it had, I, I would have said it was like acid or something really bad like that to have gone.

• 43:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  That well, but what was he, there probably wasn't even any music in the toilet. And he's, why naked though? I just don't get the naked fit.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  Everything hits different in the sky. It's never great to end a work shift with the police taking you away. It's just never great. It's never how you want to end the workday.

• 43:39Speaker 01

  Anyway, I flew BA and there was Dubrovnik with the girls and I didn't see any nudity.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  It's a shame.

• 43:45Speaker 01

  None. I did see a woman though. I saw this woman on the way to the flight, right? There was a woman, she must have been around my age and she had a child with her who was probably, who was just at that little bit annoying age on a flight, probably two and a half. And she came down the aisle, I noticed that her family were in the row behind her. And the child called out and was like, there's nanny, I want to sit beside nanny. The granny was sitting there. So the mom passed the baby to the granny, got the person to move out of the middle seat and sat down in a row alone with no children.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  And I turned, I turned around to her and I said, that was a fantastic move. Enjoy, you enjoy your flight. And then she put on headphones and the child was whinging. She didn't turn around once.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  That's it. Build that rapport between child and grandmother so you can get rid of it on planes. I felt very sorry. There was a guy, the Sharpay baby that I was admiring in arrivals was kicking off on the plane, like screaming, crying. I felt very sorry for the parents and myself, of course, but more for the parents.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  It's the worst.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  Have you heard the drama, the beef between Calvin Harris and Chicane?

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Okay, what's the beef?

• 44:56Speaker 02

  The beef is Chicane publicly accused Calvin Harris of ripping off his music. Yeah. So Calvin Harris has released a new tune called Blessings and Chicane basically did a video where he said that he went through kind of the chords and stuff and he basically accused Calvin Harris of ripping it off. So then Calvin Harris went full Tanti and did a reply video calling him a stupid bastard. And now it's been remixed into a song. So they've remixed Calvin Harris into Chicane's song. I think they've remixed Calvin Harris into Offshore. Am I right, Joe?

• 45:28Speaker 01

  To Calvin Harris?

• 45:30Speaker 02

  Very funny, very funny has happened. But do you know what the funny thing is? Everyone's like, Calvin Harris is Scottish. No one knew because he never really speaks.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think he's from Dundee.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  But then in my little dive into see what was going on, and you know, I'm not a big news though, but I did do a little dive on it and I found an account of a music DJ dude that I actually really like. And he's like, it's not, he didn't rip him off. We're Team Calvin.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  He didn't.

• 45:53Speaker 02

  Especially I did, I just worked, I just worked with his wife recently, she's lovely.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  Oh Vic Hope, yeah, she's really nice. They're having a baby as well.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  They're having a baby?

• 46:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  So, Chicane's real name, which this is something he should actually be focused on rather than accusing Calvin Harris of ripping him off. Nicholas Bracegirdle.

• 46:10Speaker 01

  Bracegirdle?

• 46:11Speaker 02

  Nicholas, Chicane is called Nicholas Bracegirdle.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  Well, I can see why he changed his name to Chicane.

• 46:16Speaker 02

  And I said to myself, what's Calvin Harris's real name? Because it's not Calvin Harris.

• 46:20Speaker 01

  Oh Stuart, no.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  Do you know?

• 46:23Speaker 01

  I was gonna say Stuart Price, but that's a different DJ. Um, no, I actually don't remember.

• 46:28Speaker 02

  Adam Richard Wilds, which is a fine name really, it's a lot better than Bracegirdle. But did you know that Calvin Harris was also at one stage called Love Regenerator? So I think he's done it, he's done himself a solid count to Calvin Harris.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:41Speaker 02

  Bracegirdle name. But it made me think, what would your stage name be, Vogue? Now Vogue is quite stagey anyway, but it's your first pet and your mother's maiden name.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Monkey Cassidy. That's quite a good name, I think. Monkey Cassidy.

• 46:53Speaker 02

  Really good name.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  Who was called, what?

• 46:55Speaker 01

  My first cat's called Monkey because she liked climbing trees.

• 46:59Speaker 02

  Great idea. Mine, mine would be Topaz Quirky.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  Topaz Quirky, that's a good name as well.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, first dog Topaz.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  That sounds a bit, that sounds a bit like a, like.

• 47:08Speaker 02

  Stripper?

• 47:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 47:10Speaker 02

  Hmm, it's a good one, isn't it?

• 47:11Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say her.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  What would yours be, Jo?

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Floyd Fippen.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  That sounds a bit aggressive. I don't know why Floyd Fippen.

• 47:18Speaker 02

  That's not sexy.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  Fippen, yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  I don't want to see her coming down the pail.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  I'd watch Topaz Quirky and Monkey Cassidy, but I wouldn't be looking at Flopaz Flippin'.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  I'm not turned on by Flopaz. What's, what's it called again?

• 47:30Speaker 02

  Put it away. Put it away.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Oh, Jesus. Put some clothes on.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Well, that is it for this week and Joanne McNally is on tour.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  Anybody at all, anyone at all.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  There's, I mean, loads of people are going, is there anybody else there?

• 47:51Speaker 02

  Any single thing.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  And I would like to thank everybody because my book was an Irish Times bestseller, which I really wasn't expecting and can't believe it. So, thank you, thank you. Two weeks in a row now, Big Mouth, it's out. If you would like to read it, it is out. There's a link in my bio. And again, honestly, I can't thank you enough.

• 48:36Speaker 00

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