Flashers, Martha Stewart & Just "O"

Vogue is offering her DIY services to Joanne this week, but never mind OOO, Joanne is just "O". If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.com This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome to my therapist ghosted me with me, Vogue Williams, and you mightn't recognise her because her hair is brown, it's Joanne McNally. I'm very serious now. Joanne, you not noticed I've gone brunette?

• 0:26Speaker 02

  In the last 10 minutes that we've been talking, I haven't noticed because you're in the sun. I thought the sun was making it look different.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  The sun's making it look more brown. What are you talking about, you liar?

• 0:36Speaker 03

  Such a beautiful day. It's such a beautiful day. The sun, the leaves, it's so autumnal, Vogue. I know you love that word. And so I've gone autumnal for the cuffing season. I've gone brunette for the cuffing season because, you know, lads are like, I can't get them off me. So I said, I go brunette, just calm things down and then I'll hit the blonde.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  It's been a hard slog for you with the blonde, I mean, batting them off.

• 0:59Speaker 03

  Those slag strips, they really, they really, they paid for themselves. Actually, the reality is, a girl messaged me and she was like, Joanne, I didn't realise slag strips wasn't the official term. She went into her hairdresser and asked for a slag strip. They're like, what?

• 1:12Speaker 01

  In Dublin, I think that is a term in Dublin.

• 1:15Speaker 03

  It's, well, it was Katie and Larry King that gave me the term and then I didn't even know where she got it. But my hair was, I don't know how blondes do it, my hair was full blown falling out. I was, I was, I was developing a teeny tiny bald patch at the front of my head, which for someone who has so much hair and has always had so much hair, I was like, I'm not having, I'm not having that. Between the tonguing and the bleaching and the slagging and all, so they had to go. So I'm brunette. And do you know what, actually?

• 1:40Speaker 01

  You're thrilled.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  I'm thrilled. No regrets. I really like it. And I feel like my hair feels healthier and looks healthier and it's not all stringy and...

• 1:49Speaker 01

  Oh, I always have a couple of spikes hanging out of my head, but I did go brunette and it doesn't look as nice on me. But when you went brunette, I was like, oh God, now I have to go brunette. I'll wait a couple of weeks and then I'll do it.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  I think it might be okay if we look a little dissimilar for a while. I mean, we were, there was a kind of a morphing happening there. We're like when an owner looks, starts looking like their dog.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Even Amber, Amber sent me a picture of you one day and she goes...

• 2:13Speaker 03

  Who's the dog? Who's the dog?

• 2:14Speaker 01

  I'm the dog. Amber texted me the other day and she sent me a picture of you and she goes, you two just look the same. I was like, I don't know what's happening here, but yes, it is happening.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  I agree. Thank God for me, shit one for you. I'm going up, you're coming down. I don't know why I'm...

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Stop tearing into yourself because then it makes me uncomfortable with a compliment and I can't say anything. I just sound like I love myself because I'm sitting here saying nothing.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  I know, it's not fair. I'm sorry. And I actually, I sound very negative about myself. I'm actually in a very good place.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  You've never, I'll, do you want, I'll be honest with you. Never looked better. Jo, same to you. You look fantastic. But you do need a bit of Bare by Vogue serum. Not gonna lie.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  Well, I am of course doing my usual thing, refusing to buy it. So just sitting here rotting away in the apartment because I'm like, I'm not fucking paying for it.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  I'm gonna send you someone's number and you just contact her whenever you need to be sorted out. Yes.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  Send me the Bare by Vogue emergency phone number, please.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  It's next day delivery.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  I want it straight through to, well, you really, I would like you manning the phone. But if I can't have you, I would like it straight through to the factory in Cork. Some big phone ringing under a bell jar. That's what I'm, someone's gone translucent to clap and come and, I assume they come over and draw it on themselves, do they? If I'm through to the top guy.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you know the way like there's fire engines, obviously for fires. We have fire engines for tans. So when, when people are spotted looking pasty and white, our, our engines go off and they go around and they spray people.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  And so a tanning engine.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  A tanning engine.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  I've actually just, I've just sent you her number there.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  I look forward to this articulated tanning truck reversing around the corner here trying to find parking. I'll go out myself. I'll go out. I'll go out. They can do it in the street. That's how desperate I am.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Absolutely, a hundred percent.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Don't even need the privacy of a room.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  I was only saying to you, we've been, there's, flashers have gone missing. We don't know where the flashers are. So you get yourself out there and clap them, no clothes on and we'll spray you down. Then people will get what they want. A flasher, flashers are back.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  Flashers have gone missing? Is that?

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Think about it though. I was talking, who was I, I was talking to about it, someone on my other pod and I was trying to figure out, I was like, I haven't seen a flasher in years. Where are the flashers? Where are they?

• 4:18Speaker 03

  It's probably COVID. They had to retrain because people weren't out as much. So they couldn't, there was no one to flash and then they had to retrain. They're probably gone into teaching now or something.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, COVID got us all, didn't it? Even the flashers. It's shocking.

• 4:30Speaker 03

  Everyone, there, I mean, a flasher, you can't work from home as a flasher. You have to be out and about. So if you can't work from home, you have to retrain. And that's, sorry, I don't mean to make any direct comparisons between flashers and teachers. It was just the first job that popped into my tiny, stupid brain.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  I think flashes have actually moved online because do you not remember, you must have played, do you want, you're a little scummer like me, you must have played Chatroulette, like where you used to open up, there was this website and you'd just keep clicking till you got to some, till you got to a dick.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  I've just had a quick, quite troubling scroll through the Google News tab and I'm afraid that flashing is alive and well.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Really?

• 5:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're still at it, yeah.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  It seems almost, with everything that's happened with all the Me Too stuff and everything, doesn't flashing seem almost quite a quaint or something?

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Do you want, flashing, flashing has just disappeared for us because we've obviously gotten ugly.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  Two olds.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Don't bother with them, Mingers.

• 5:23Speaker 03

  I'm brunette now, now I'm fucking invisible.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  Oh, you can forget it, you can't even get it online anymore.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  You're wearing a high vis jacket on your head, I've got nothing now.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Pornhub won't even let you open it up.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  Not with that hair.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Ah, yeah.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  Doesn't, doesn't flashing seem kind of quaint now? Like a magie mix. It feels something like old from the past, like people baking scones or something, like, oh, his, her great grandfather was a flasher.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, you have it over a cucumber sandwich and a cup of tea, you're just like, yeah.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, a bit of flashing in the afternoon, now it's all P Diddy, like, now it's all like, you know, very intense abuse, bit of flashing.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  I get flashed every day, Spenny walks all over the place naked, I've just, I'm immune to it now.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  Well, but he won't get a kick out of that because you, you kind of consent to that, isn't the flashing the kick that we haven't consented, it's like the shock. Men are just, what's wrong with you, Jo, what is wrong with you?

• 6:19Speaker 02

  I will apologise.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  What's wrong with you, Jo, come on?

• 6:21Speaker 02

  Not having flashed myself, I will say, I've not done that and I don't intend to, but I do apologise about those who do it.

• 6:27Speaker 03

  Well, you're hardly going to tell us if you have, do you know what I mean, you're hardly going to admit it, I was flashed once and again, I remember, I remember finding it really disturbing, it was really disturbing.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  I have put T to work this week.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  He's been desperate. He says he wants to be a zookeeper and a chef. And I've signed him up to cooking class in school. So not only is he in school till half five, he also comes home with baked treats and he's had the time. I had a chocolate sponge cake last night, thank you very much. Brought loads of it home as well, not just a shitty little amount, like not just one slice. It's like proper home ec stuff. They stay in school.

• 7:09Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  And they cook. I thought this will actually, next week, make sure you do a blueberry muffin for me. I'd love it. I'd love to try one. I'd never make one myself.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  How are you going to accommodate the zooing?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  The zooing, I think I'm just gonna get him to just start picking up the dog shit on the balcony, actually. I thought that that would be a really good entrance into zookeeping.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  I'm sick of doing it.

• 7:33Speaker 03

  I'd love a child for that kind of thing, you know? Like, I've loads of stuff to do around the house. What age can they start drilling and stuff?

• 7:39Speaker 01

  The only thing I will tell you, right, is they...

• 7:44Speaker 01

  You're a while, that's a while off. I'm a while off of tea.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  There's a shelf to be hung up in mine. Come on up. He could put this... I can't get the skybox to work in my room. Is he any good at electrics?

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Well, I'd say he's better a tech than you are, for sure. Also, that bloody giant lamp, is he any good at... Joanne, please tell me you have put that lamp together.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  I'm waiting for Theodore to hit eight or whatever.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  I got, I got myself a drill recently, an electric drill. Invite me down.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  I love the idea of bringing you down here with the drill. I love the idea of using a drill myself. I think it's a very powerful machine. However, I think we'd just be down here drilling holes in the wall. I don't think we'd be... Like, that lamp needs more than a drill. It doesn't need a drill.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Joanne McNally, I have two degrees in construction. You don't think I can do some drilling? I can drill. I was doing some...

• 8:29Speaker 03

  Forgot about that.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. Thank you. I have a toolbox. I'm the DIY person in this house. Not the man I paid to come and do it.

• 8:38Speaker 03

  Do you know what I was thinking of doing? And I know, you know, I get a horn for this every now and again and then lose interest.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  A dinner party.

• 8:44Speaker 03

  I was thinking of doing a dinner party, yeah.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Really, the same thing for my, a year, maybe just before, just after you moved in, yeah. How long have you had those chairs? Cause it's been since that.

• 8:54Speaker 03

  Your edit people, who did you do the, who did you do the tablecloths with?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Oh, yes. L N H Edit, they're very good.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  L N H Edit, sent me some plates and bowls and things like that. And then I was down, I was kind of, I was doing a little stroll through TK Maxx last night, doing my nightly tour and.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Do you have a TK Maxx near you in walking distance?

• 9:15Speaker 03

  Ah, ah.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Now we can get the good bits.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  That's why I can't buy a house. Fucking dumped it all down there.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Right. Anyway.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Her hoarding has begun.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  I, I was like, I, I had, I was putting some bits and bobs into my trolley and I bought, I didn't actually, I put, I actually had a reality check on myself. What are they called? Table mats? I was like, table mats. Maybe that's, maybe that's where I am now. Table mats. And then I thought about the dinner party. And then I thought about what a lovely event would be and who I would bring. But yeah.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Are we just gonna have it at my house and pretend we're having it in your house?

• 9:53Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no. I think it's, I think it's time. I think it's time to start hosting.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Can I tell you about something? There's a company called Yangri. I had them for Shee Shee's birthday. They did a barbecue for me, but they have like those amazing chefs that come over and cook for you. That would probably be your best, your best line. I, or I'll, or I'll cook my salmon bowls and I'll be the chef and you can be the hostess.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  Actually, I got like a chef in and all. Oh, what, do you know what I get? One of those, what are those table spread, what are those tables called where they dress the table in meat and crackers? A table scape.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are those grazing boards? But they do your whole table in cheese.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's like, do you know these, Jo? They're, they kind of decorate the whole table. I mean, it's more, it's more a picky dinner, whereas like, I think what I'm talking about is a sit down.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Maybe you put your money into a bar man and then you get a picky grazing plate. Or we could just go to Marks and Spencer and buy all the little bits and do the grazing plate ourselves.

• 10:55Speaker 03

  No, I'm sick. Do you know what I realised? I was trying to home cook for myself. And I was like, this is three times the cost to a beef. I just went out and ate it in foe. It's a con.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  No, I don't. I really don't think. What are you cooking for yourself? Like, did you buy yourself, I don't know, like a wagyu beef steak?

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Vegetables and shit.

• 11:27Speaker 03

  Did you hear the air fryers are listening to you? Did you hear this news?

• 11:29Speaker 01

  I love it so much, it's not going anywhere. The air fryer is. Do you have an air fryer? I have a spare one, I think, but it might be too big for you.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Remember we went to Magic Mike and there was a lot of drinks taken, like a lot, an awful lot. And we had a great time. And recently I was in this physio, like last week, just last week, and I was looking at this guy and I was like, God, I know him. What's he in? Is he on ITV? And I was looking at him for ages. I was like, who is he? And I went into my physio and I said to the girl, I was like, what's he off? And she was like, what do you mean? I was like, your man that was in the trench, what's he off? She was like, oh, he's in Magic Mike. I was like, how on earth did I remember someone? Like, I mean, there's 15 men on stage and I clocked obviously this one guy that I must have been taken with because I remembered him as soon as I saw him in the physio.

• 12:25Speaker 03

  Well, they are striking, striking men. And we had very good seats. We were, we were pretty much on the stage. I think I'd recognise them as well. Plus, when we go into our podcast, when we walk past, we walk past the theatre every day and I always have a little look in the window and see the posters and stuff. I'd recognise them too, and it's like, there's no shame. That just shows you what, they're great performers, you know, they're memorable.

• 12:47Speaker 01

  They are, but like for someone who, like I'm called Dory, my friends call me Dory, like I don't remember anything. So like how I remembered him was just beyond me. And he was so, it was so clear to me. I was like, God, I know him.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  You're a horny Dory.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  I'm a horny, I'm not actually, I'm very unhorny at the moment, I think.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  Well, it's all in waves, it's all in waves. I'm doing a lot of reading about this.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Well, I suppose it's got to do with your cycle as well.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  Cycle and hormones and the weather and everything, everything.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  This is, this is sex weather today, if I've ever seen it. Look at those bright blue skies. Fantastic. Couldn't be arsed.

• 13:27Speaker 03

  I had a dead day on Monday. I've, I've, I've.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  What is that?

• 13:30Speaker 03

  Where I was, I was out of bed. I woke up on Monday morning and I was like, I can't have any communication with any other human being today. I've hit a wall. I was like, no, I am O O O, but I don't have an office, so I can't really go O O O.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  So you couldn't put the email on?

• 13:45Speaker 03

  No, I'm just O. Okay, just O. I am O O A, I'm out of action mentally. I was just like, nah, I can't do it. People all, like the phone doesn't stop. I was like, I've had enough. How people, and it sounds incredibly ignorant, how people have jobs and children, I do not understand. If I'd had a child there on my O day, I would have had to put it out in the garden for the day.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'm here for your O days. I want to steal kids. I want, I want more kids. I just can't be arsed being pregnant. Jo, I'll steal your baby for a while.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  I did nothing. I went, I went, I did actually go, I trained with Olivia, my trainer, but I was like, Olivia, I'm just letting you know, I'm having an out of, I'm having an out, I'm out today, but I will come and just lie on the ground. She's like, okay. So I went and I lay down in the mat and just chatted and she's like, you're supposed to keep setting up, do you mind? You're supposed to be doing sit ups. And I was like, no, I'm grand down here. Actually, I'm just, I'm just out today, just chilling, just chilling. She kept trying to make me put those bands on. I was like, it's not happening.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  I just think that's quite nice for a Monday. I was reading something in a book, a Marianne Keyes book. Now, this woman was being dumped. And she was quite sad and, but she took to the bed for like three days and it sounded lovely.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  The bed is lovely, but it's nice also to be out and about in the world and still on a kind of a personal silent retreat. There's just, I ignored all emails. I ignored, the only person I spoke to at Vogue with you, because I'm legally obliged to speak to you.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  What were we talking about on Monday?

• 15:11Speaker 03

  But everyone else got completely burnt.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  I was trying to cheer you up on a Monday because some people don't like Mondays. I liked Monday and I had a nice, I had a nice nugget of information for your Monday.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Some nice good news for me on the Monday. You know, when I went to meet Olivia, we were talking, we were obviously just talking about lads and slagging them off the usual. And she, she was like, I've got a really, I've got a guy for you. And I was like, go on. She's like, yeah, I've got a guy for you. And she's like, he works in crime. And I was like, well, hold on. Which side?

• 15:41Speaker 03

  Which side? Because unless they've done crime, I'm not that interested.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  It's a bit of a red flag for me if he hasn't done a bit of time, but he's the, I love the hooligans. She's like, no, he works in the, I think it's just, I think she was, I think she was begging up the police. I don't know. We didn't get into the deets. And I said, why do you think he would be good for me? And she said, he says he wants to, she doesn't know him, by the way. He's come through a friend of a friend. I think they tried to give him to her and she was like, no, he's not my vibe, whatever. So now she's trying to give him to me. I said, why? Because he wants to date an Irish woman. I was like, that is.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  I'd take that. That's a real compliment.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  I said, Olivia, we do vary. Do you know what I mean? It's not like there's one Irish woman. Like we do actually, we do have different personalities and stuff. She's like, he wants to date an Irish woman. It'd be grand.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  It's all a start.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  He's probably a guy who likes, like, really, like, walking the hills, walking the moors at the weekend. And then Joanne will barge into his life.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  He's like, it doesn't matter. She's Irish. Who cares? She drinks all day and cheats on me, but fuck it. She's Irish. That's what I wanted. All is forgiven. My dad was like that. My dad wanted an Irish woman and he went to the Irish dances to meet my mum.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Well, I was only talking to somebody yesterday who said that they were after an Irish partner.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  There you go. I dated a guy before who was English and was like, you're not one of those, what did he say? You're not one of those Irish people who make it your whole personality, are you?

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I am actually. So what are you going to do about that?

• 17:06Speaker 03

  I can't, I can't remove it as like, what are you talking about?

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I just like, I think that you're less full on with the Irishness than I am. Like Spencer's like, are you doing this to like wind me up or are you seriously being this patriotic again? But I can't stop myself.

• 17:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think you do do to wind him up. I mean, behind closed doors, she's wearing poppies and everything, but just typically.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, but I was like making my whole personality like, I don't, sorry, sorry if I'm, sorry if we border on whimsical at times, sorry. Sorry if we're collectively great crack and sorry if we're sad about that. Excuse me, excuse me.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  I, in fairness, Irish people, like, you do go and try and find Irish people wherever you go. So like, we're just, like, I understand why he'd want to date an Irish girl because I would like to date.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  A hundred percent. The further away I am from Ireland, the more I fancy Irish men. In Ireland, I'm like, yeah, whatever. Away from Ireland, I'm like, well, what do we have here, Seamus? Good luck.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  Seamus.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  I'm like, because they're so, they feel so familiar to me that when I'm abroad, I'm mad for them. Same sense of humour. Jo, have you ever ridden, I'm sorry, I'll say that.

• 18:30Speaker 03

  Have you ever been with an Irish woman, Jo?

• 18:32Speaker 02

  Never in my life.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Isn't it? Okay.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  I wasn't screening, it just, it just never happened.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  So you're going to deny what happened to the Christmas party between you and me?

• 18:43Speaker 03

  You're just going to deny that, Jo?

• 18:47Speaker 01

  All right, you just.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  I did wonder where you two had gone. No, stop, we shouldn't do that because Jo's married.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  I am.

• 18:55Speaker 03

  I mean, I don't think anyone for a second.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  Jo, I'd say Jo, I'd say Jo was like, ugh, about us. Like, that would actually be his sound for us. Ugh.

• 19:04Speaker 02

  People have heard you call me a eunuch enough times.

• 19:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, we wouldn't know what to do with each other. Sure, we wouldn't. We'd just be vomiting everywhere and all, it would be a mess. Oh, God. Anyway, less of that.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Did anyone see my artistic prowess this weekend by any chance? Did you see it? Did you see my Instagram?

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Um, I did see her in Scram, remind me.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  So Theodore asks us to draw him stuff sometimes. I'm like, I am not, I'm decent at art. I never said that I was like this amazing, incredible artist.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  I'm decent at art. And so he wanted me to draw him a sloth. And they're not that easy. They're little faces. They're kind of just, there isn't, they're a strange shape. I'm not body shaming sloths, but they're a strange shape. So I.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Kind of long, aren't they? They're very long animals. Yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  And their face is like stuck into their head and they have this permanent smile on them. So like even when they're getting attacked or anything like that, they still look like they're smiling. So I draw what I thought was, drew what I thought was an incredible piece of art. And Theodore basically started screaming, crying and ran out of the room and was horrified by the sloth.

• 20:09Speaker 03

  Send it to me immediately.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Sorry, I'm gonna show you right here. Okay? Does this resemble a sloth or not?

• 20:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, it does. It really does.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  I know. And he was disgusted. He wouldn't look at it again. He was like, why didn't you draw hair on it? And I was like, it's not hair.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Hair's got a broom and a bob.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  Is he got, show us him again?

• 20:29Speaker 01

  That's what the sloth looked like on the picture.

• 20:31Speaker 02

  He's got a bob.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Look, you're not, you can't make sloths hot. They're not attractive animals. Do you know what I mean? You can only work with what they've given you, which is a weird face and a weird creepy smile.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  Thank you. I felt attacked.

• 20:45Speaker 03

  Tell Theodore if he wants to work in the zoo, he wanna fucking harden up.

• 20:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, and draw your own animals.

• 20:51Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? You're not gonna go in there and they're all gonna be, animals are, there's some really ugly animals.

• 20:56Speaker 01

  Have you ever seen a turkey? They are, app, Google a turkey. You'll die when you see what the turkey looks like.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  It's just the neck on them, isn't it? It's the neck. That'll be, that'll be us in our sixties, you know?

• 21:06Speaker 01

  They've got, they've got, no, I'm, I'm meeting Dr. Ewan tonight for some, I saw, I saw a video of myself on Instagram over the weekend. And I was like, oh my God, I'm literally tripping over my neck. So I'm gonna see Dr. Ewan tonight and he's gonna, he's gonna tighten my neck.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  Are you actually serious?

• 21:23Speaker 01

  I saw a video, right? And I was like, I need to get some neck tightening in. And that's what's happening.

• 21:29Speaker 03

  Your neck is tight as fuck.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  No, Ewan said that people who do sit-ups like tend to have a neck like that. And I've been no, listen, we all have things that we don't like.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  Okay, okay. Just don't end up looking like a melted baby, which is.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  What I feel is gonna happen to us and I feel like there's just no avoiding it.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  No, no, I'll tell you when you've gone too far and you tell me when I've gone too far.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  The problem with it is, I was only writing about this the other day, the problem with work that goes too far, it's like, I think it's like bad breath. The people who have it don't know they have it. It's only people around them that know they have it.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  I don't believe that because when you've got bad breath, you can taste it. Like, you know when you've had a coffee and you're like, oh. You can taste your bad breath.

• 22:12Speaker 03

  I've been around people that have been having a little wobble with the breaths and they don't seem to be in any way aware, God love them. And it's just something, you just can't say it. You just can't say it. I'd only say it to family.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  Have you seen those pigs that look like bikers? Have you seen them? There's one in Dublin Zoo, God, whoever mated what with what. He, he, honestly, no.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Joanne, I've, I've, I've got something really amazing for you.

• 22:47Speaker 03

  Oh, go on.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  On today's pod. So, you like a bald man.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  There's been a poll of the hot, and I was actually surprised because there's a few hot baldos missing. So, the poll for the hottest bald men. Let's see if you can get any.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  I much prefer when lads kind of just shave it off and get on with it. Other than when they're kind of like, you know.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Clinging on to it.

• 23:11Speaker 03

  Combing it in certain ways and kind of like a walnut whip, kind of like, you know, very delicately kind of redesigning the hair on top. I, I feel bad because myself having this teeny tiny bald patch at the front, I do understand it's not great.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  I think that you can look really sexy with a bald head. Men can look really sexy, embrace it.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  A hundred percent. And sure have them. Now, I love that real kind of like, do you know that kind of bulldog look on a lad?

• 23:35Speaker 01

  I like it too. Do you want to draw another 10 sexiest bald men on the planet?

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Vin Diesel, number 10. Stanley Tucci.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  He's not bald, is he?

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's bald.

• 23:47Speaker 03

  Jeez, he's a full head of hair to me.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  Love to be friends with him. Thierry Henry, now, as an Irish person, we're not mad about him.

• 23:54Speaker 03

  Not familiar. Is he a footballer?

• 23:56Speaker 01

  Footballer, handballed during the World Cup and Ireland just never were able to forgive him.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  That's not like us.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  No, and we love a grudge. Samuel L. Jackson, yeah?

• 24:06Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kangor has.

• 24:08Speaker 01

  Yes. Danny DeVito, I mean, anyway, Terry Crews, I don't know who that is, Kelly Slater, he's a surfer, Shaquille O'Neal, the basketball player. Dwayne Johnson, Prince William's number one.

• 24:23Speaker 03

  I mean, that's the shadiest thing I've ever heard. He's not even bald.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Ah, he is bald. Is he not bald?

• 24:28Speaker 02

  It's gone that way.

• 24:30Speaker 03

  Is he not bald? I thought, you're making me question, is he bald or not?

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  He's not got hair on the sides.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Beard of late. What do you think of the beard?

• 24:37Speaker 01

  Enjoying the beard.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Has he not got hair on the sides? No.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  I just felt there was a few people missing from the list.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Bruce Willis, the hottest one of them all, I would say.

• 24:47Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  And Jason Statham.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Hmm, Jason's hot, yeah, I'll give you that for sure. I mean, look, who's writing these lists? God, probably Stanley Tooche, probably wrote it himself in his notes, notes and found it and just fucking banged it on the internet. We don't know who's writing it.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  There's gonna be this brown haired list later. Joanne's gonna top the list. Girls with brown hair, the hottest girls with brown hair.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  What's mad? Who wrote that? Embarrassing. Well, share it though, you know yourself.

• 25:20Speaker 03

  My highlight of the week was in my hardcore news cycle that I engage with. Did you see the riots at the La Cruze sale?

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Oh, stop. Hampshire police were put on alert as hundreds of shoppers hit up a La Cruze store trying to get a bargain.

• 25:38Speaker 03

  Officers had to patrol the hordes getting at Hampshire real estate after a cut piece of La Cruze products were put on offer. So there was people, okay, now, as we know, previously, I did have a run in with La Cruze and it was how I ended up having to change all my bank cards because I thought that I was getting an offer of a smeg kettle for two pounds and a La Cruze pot for a fiver. I understand the draw of La Cruze and I don't even cook. I was, I actually was, do you know what, I was like, I'll sell them.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  They're ornaments for the kitchen though, La Cruze. They're so gorgeous that you would just leave them just hanging around the kitchen.

• 26:13Speaker 03

  They're cast iron, they're like, you know, they're high end, they're premium kitchen utensil, if that's what you call them. Yeah. By the way, just as an aside, your big road was staying here while I was in America.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:26Speaker 03

  He was like, I got you, he goes, I got you a gift. I said, thanks. And he's like, I got you a whisk.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  Why? Was there something on the top of the whisk or something?

• 26:33Speaker 03

  I said, I said, what, why? He's like, I don't have a whisk. I was like, yeah, because I don't use them.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  Now, I do make a mean omelette and you need a whisk for an omelette.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  You use a fork. You don't need a whisk.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  I'm fancy. I use a whisk.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  Between the whisk and the cat detail, that was Gero's as well.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  That was a death for present. I don't want to get presents that I have to then try and think of what to do with them to get them out of the house.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  Well, anyway, for our friends and family, the whisk is going to be regifted this Christmas, so you're welcome. Anyway.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  The La Cruze, there was a woman who said, she arrived at the sale, there was people queuing from four forty-five AM.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, but there were really good bargains. Like, you have to point out the bargains.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  I am, and I'll tell you, because I have a list of the bargains here. I wouldn't queue that long for a free, if you told me there was a house at the end of the road for free or a facelift, I wouldn't queue for anything.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  You would queue for a facelift and a house.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'd live in a bin.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  The butter dish was only a tenner.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  Here's where they queued and ended up, the police had to be called and they had to look after the traffic outside and the people were like fighting inside.

• 27:48Speaker 03

  A cast iron round casserole pot for £159 instead of £269.

• 27:52Speaker 01

  Steal, it's a steal.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  Sorry now, no. Here we go. A stone ware butter dish down from £42 to a tenner.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  I'd buy that, even though I have a butter dish, I'd still have to buy that.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  An oven glove for £16 instead of £43. Now, can you imagine if you're at the end of that queue, you've been up since 4.45, there was a woman who said she started queuing at 9am, she got in at 2.30pm and you run out and all you have is a fucking oven glove and a spoon or a lid. I mean, I'd have to be sectioned.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  It's the thrill of the bargain. It's like you can't, you don't understand how exciting. I just absolutely love getting a deal.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  I'd be like, put me in a La Cruze pot and drive me to an asylum because I've clearly lost my mind.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Put me in the pot and boil me alive. I can't be here.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  Cut me up.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  Pack me into that butter dish.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  And slow cook me, slow cook me for eight to 10 hours.

• 28:57Speaker 03

  Because I am done with this world. I just, I just can't get my head around it. And like, look, yeah, they're not bad deals, but it's the queuing and the carnage and the chaos of it all for a knock off stainless steel pot. I don't know, I don't know. I can't understand it. I can't get my head around it.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  I don't love La Cruze enough to do that, but I do love La Cruze. I remember when I was having auto and I was induced and the hospital was on the King's Road where they have loads of nice shops or the Fulham Road. And I was induced and like you get induced and they put like stingy stuff in your vagina, like it's burnt, it's burning. And anyway, the doctor was like, oh, it's gonna be a while. Why don't you go for a walk? I said, go for a fucking walk. I don't want to go anywhere. Anyway, she's like, no, it will help you if you go for a walk. So we leave, it's a Monday, it was a bank holiday Monday as well, so most shops are closed. Found ourselves in La Cruze on the Fulham Road and Speny, like I couldn't get him out of there looking at plates and shit. And it's kind of put me off La Cruze because I was just standing there like jumping from leg to leg in this like

• 29:59Speaker 01

  just burning pain, just waiting to give birth. And I was like, why am I standing here?

• 30:05Speaker 03

  The association, yeah, the association is too strong. I understand that. Yeah, I understand that. And I understand, I think La Cruze is a stunning brand. I mean. Sometimes I feel like if I had a house full of La Cruze stuff, do you have La Cruze Vogue?

• 30:21Speaker 01

  I actually don't, hint, hint. I don't.

• 30:25Speaker 03

  I really don't think they're gonna.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  I have a teapot. I have a teapot because my sister-in-law, Emma, got me a blue La Cruze teapot, which I love.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  The La Cruze kitchen where it's very Martha Stewart, which brings us on to our next topic for discussion, Vogue.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Thank you very much for telling me to watch that. I loved it.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  Very good documentary. Apparently Martha's fuming about it.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  Why?

• 30:52Speaker 03

  She says it's really lazy. It's the same with the Menendez brothers, when your man wrote about them killing their parents and they're like, this is an abomination. You're now at the talk of the town and you're probably gonna get released from prison. Like, don't be so ungrateful. Martha, don't be so ungrateful. This has reinvented you. It has painted you as a, yeah, you're not a walk in the park, but that's what you're like. You're a resilient woman, which is my favorite thing. That's why I'm fucking ripping through Vanessa Feltz's new book about, I love female resilience. Martha Stewart is a pure example of this. You know she is, Jo, don't you?

• 31:25Speaker 01

  Ah, she used to, she built a billion dollar company in America. She was like, she was like a homemaker, but like she's kind of Mrs. Perfect, which went against her eventually. But in the documentary, did you see the bit where she was like on camera giving out your one for cutting the orange with the wrong knife? Like she just, she can't handle, yeah, she can't handle any. But now in fairness, it was the wrong knife to cut an orange with, but like.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  It's the wrong knife. There you go. What can you, you know what I mean? What's she supposed to pretend it's the right knife? She can't. It's the wrong knife.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, she can't let anything slide. So if you do anything wrong, she's like, what's wrong with you? No, no.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, because she's like, she has built a business on perfect homemaking. That's it. She's made, she turned homemaking into a business. She came in around that time where everyone was trying to make homemaking really easy and kind of low tax, not taxing at all. And then people were just serving spam and stuff. And then Martha came in and she was like, no, no, no, no, let's all up our game here. Let's all up our game here. She was aspirational. First content creator, they say, original influencer.

• 32:26Speaker 01

  Now, do you know what? Because I obviously followed her straight after because I really liked the documentary. I don't think she does her own Insta and I always find that, like, I know she's like in her late seventies, but she's well able to be doing that. She should be taking control. I'd say if it was her voicing her Instagram, it would be a lot funnier. She basically, she got done, it's not a secret, she got done for insider trading and she got lobbed into jail and then she kind of, it was like, she made the biggest comeback ever because basically she lost everything and then she started working so much. It's like, you remember we saw her with Snoop Dogg at the equestrian stuff at the Olympics? So she started doing loads and loads of work with Snoop Dogg because they got on really well because she came back by doing Justin Bieber's roast.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  Yes, that was it.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  I have to say, I found her attitude to life hilarious. There was a couple of amazing moments in it when she, when she's talking about her husband having affairs and then the interviewer flags that she too had an affair and she just kind of rolls her eyes. She's like, oh, irrelevant.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, that didn't count. And it's like, but why did that count? She was like, because he didn't know.

• 33:30Speaker 03

  Because he didn't even know about that. And they went, well, he said he did actually. He said he cheated because you cheated. And she's like, oh, nonsense. Don't mind. Bullshit.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  I think she was genuinely very sad about that.

• 33:40Speaker 03

  Oh, she was sad and angry and yeah, she really, like, you could see it in her. That's still there. That pain of him leaving is still there because if you're presenting as this kind of perfect homemaker, a husband's kind of part of that package.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  You know? He was riding someone she had working for that she had housed down the end of the garden.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was terrible. And she actually went out of her way for that woman. I just thought, you little bite in the hand that feeds you.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Indeed. But he was feeding her as well.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  So, but one of her great quotes.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  Which I was like, I'm gonna get that for the fridge. If you want to be happy for a year, get married. If you want to be happy for 10, get a dog. If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get a garden.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, it kind of made me want to get into gardening, but I just, I don't know how good I'd be at it. But I think if you had time, it'd be nice to go out there and plant your own plants, wouldn't it?

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Imagine you had all three. You'd be fucking elated.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  You could get some window boxes for the balcony, do you want?

• 34:36Speaker 03

  I have window, I have window boxes.

• 34:38Speaker 01

  Get out of town. Have you changed your winter, your winter plants?

• 34:41Speaker 03

  Well, sorry, the boxes, there's nothing in them. They're just like, but they're there. They're glued on. I can't get rid of it. I've actually tried to get rid of them. It's like a sunbathe out there, but I can't. They're just stuck there, empty and barren, much like their owner.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  Can I, can I?

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Can I?

• 35:00Speaker 03

  No, you can't plant things there, folk, no. I don't need your pity plants.

• 35:03Speaker 01

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna come down, I'm gonna put that shelf up and I'm gonna maybe start gardening on your balcony. I'm gonna pop some rosemary for when you wanna cook your steak.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  That'd be lovely. I do need a housekeeper and why not you? I want you in a penny. If you're gonna do it, I want you properly dressed.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  100%, I've got my own penny. Are you mad?

• 35:21Speaker 03

  I want you in a penny. I'm gonna buy you a little uniform, yeah.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  Oh, sorry, hang on. 11.11 right now. Everyone make a way to quick. Close your eyes, make a way.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  The three of us just closed our eyes.

• 35:42Speaker 03

  My ass is still the same size, so it obviously didn't work.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Did you see, which is, I mean, it has to be one of the biggest cock-ups.

• 35:53Speaker 01

  Nice, nice word to use.

• 35:55Speaker 03

  Of our lifetime.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  It's so good.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  It has to be one of the biggest cock, marketing cock-ups of our generation.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  How on earth, like, can you imagine the jobs that have been lost? Go on, tell us the story.

• 36:08Speaker 03

  So basically, as you know, Wicked, the film is coming out or is out or, I don't know, I, I mean.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  No, it's not out yet. It's not out yet.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  I can't listen to any more Wicked's chat. I, as I said before I went to see the musical, I, I don't mean to piss on the arts, but my God, I've struggled. Anyway.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  It was a shite. I was gonna take tea to that. It was shite.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  I wouldn't say it's shite's too strong. I won't say it's shite, but I, I certainly didn't.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  It's a shite.

• 36:33Speaker 03

  I didn't, I didn't know. Yeah. I didn't, I couldn't understand the hullabaloo at all. Like, I tried to get, I brought my mum and then I tried to get her to leave in the interval and she wouldn't because she was like, we've bought the tickets now, the money, blah, blah. And I was like, well, we're, okay, I'd rather waste money than waste my life sitting here for another fucking three hours. It's the same. It was just, I, I, sometimes musicals are better in theory and then when you go, they're just so musically, you're like, it's too much. Anyway, Wicked's coming out, it's absolutely everywhere, like it's Barbie levels of press. And they have all the dolls and Mattel, the toy company, have brought out the wizard dolls and the characters as dolls. And they put the website address on the side of the box to go, you know,

• 37:17Speaker 03

  for further, you know, they always link it to their website. And they said, they put on all the toy boxes, www.wicked.com. Turns out, www.wicked.com is a porn site.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  Great name.

• 37:30Speaker 02

  Firing that now.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  Great name.

• 37:32Speaker 03

  Verify away.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Like it's not in your bookmarks, you liar.

• 37:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're listed as a Patreon.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  A founding member.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  Stormy Daniels, top of the page.

• 37:46Speaker 03

  Stormy Daniels, yeah. And I just, I can't, a couple of things have happened. One, they put it in as just kind of stock copy, like you do when you're doing up copy, like, and then no one bothered to check it because they assumed that with the budget behind Wicked, they would own the domain wicked.com. The business that's going to the porn site, I can only imagine.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  A 5,000% increase, the porn site saw. A five, imagine.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  And I had a look around the site, it wouldn't, it wouldn't really tickle me now, but anyway, I, the point is, I did click on it to see what the crack, what the crack was. But I was like, can you imagine being the person who made that mistake? As somebody who used to work in branding, the amount of hoops we had to jump through to do a tweet for like Vazini in Ireland, like we had to go, we had to put it all these grammar people, the client had to, like, um, sorry, Joe, the client had to approve it, all this stuff. And for a porn site to go on a toy box, can you imagine being the person who has clearly been fired from that job and is trying to get a new design job? And they're like, are you the, you're design for Mattel? You're not the, no, no, no, no, no, no. But you say you're a designer. No, I was more like folding the boxes. I had nothing

• 38:59Speaker 03

  to do with the, the copy.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, that's the kind of situation where you do have to just move and change your whole entire life, like, because that's never going to stop following you around.

• 39:07Speaker 03

  You're not the wicked, you're not that, you're not that Mattel designer, are you? No, God, no. I just chose to leave around the same time. It's all very amicable. I just felt my time with the boxes was done and I just wanted to try something new, you know?

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  God love them.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  I know, what a stinger.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  God love them. And I've been, I was involved in those brown cockers before and it's, they are sickening. They are, because it's, it's that moment from, hold on a second, and then watching it grow and spiral and grow legs. And suddenly the client's involved. It's horrible. So my heart goes out to them. My heart goes out to them. But my, and fair play to Wicked. The porn side is fucking great.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Great name. Well done. I'll see you later, Wicked.

• 39:54Speaker 03

  So I looked up the worst kind of marketing cockups. A lot of it's hashtags. As we all remember Susan, Susan Zain's bum party for Susan Boyle. Remember that?

• 40:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  What? Oh, it's probably the best one.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  I just remember we were, there were like.

• 40:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, in the, in the Tube station in London, they did some very strange design where they had one podcast. Like, we were kind of fanning out from the other podcasts. And so Vogue wasn't visible at all. And I, it was my face with Rapist above it. I remember well. I remember well.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  Do you remember there, there was some company, I can't remember the name of them, but it was their company. The first word was O and the second word was I and the third word was M. And they were advertising a job and they, their hashtag was rim job.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  And there was some legendary fest in some county beginning with C and they had clit fest. And, you know, it happens a lot, but one of them, one of the funniest ones was shoe designer Kenneth Cole sparks outrage after bad taste tweet using Cairo riots to promote new collection. So apparently there was a revolution happening in Cairo. And this guy who's selling shoes did a tweet saying, millions are in uproar in hashtag Cairo. Rumour is they heard our new spring collection is now available online.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Is that not the wildest, the most distasteful, inappropriate thing you've heard in a long time? Imagine.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  I know, but people online are insane. Honestly, some of the stuff people do, I just, I'll never understand it.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  It'd be like if Twitter was around during the Easter Rising in Dublin. They'd be like, oh, Easter's not the only thing rising. Get down to McWiggin's bathhouse where the temperatures are through the roof. It's so distasteful.

• 41:51Speaker 03

  That's it for this week, we'll see you soon. Like and subscribe.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  Oh, I like it. Like and subscribe and thank you for listening.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  Thank you for listening.