DIY, Conclave & Trolls

Have you ever trolled someone? BE HONEST! Vogue has a story that ended awkwardly for the trolls, whilst Joanne is ready to pick up a drill and hammer and go to town on her apartment. Plus, The London Marathon, the Pope sweepstake and why British people need to learn the phrase 'being bold'. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com Joanne's comedy gigs: www.joannemcnally.com Vogue's Book Tour: www.fane.co.uk/vogue-williams This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me Vogue Williams and

• 0:19Speaker 02

  Joanne McNally.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  And we're in studio, which is lovely.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  I know, isn't it?

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Joe's raging.

• 0:24Speaker 02

  Joe's raging that we're in studio, yeah.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Because he's got to go somewhere far away, far, far.

• 0:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've just got to sprint in 25 degree heat, straight to Waterloo, directly after the record. But you know I'd do anything for you.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  The only thing is, no one says you can't get a Lime Bike, first of all. Get a Lime Bike.

• 0:40Speaker 02

  Sorry, do not cycle those things. Look like a disaster. They're like, I'd feel safer in an egg carton on the roads than a Lime Bike.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  Are you joking me?

• 0:48Speaker 02

  Unless they want to sponsor the podcast.

• 0:50Speaker 03

  In which case.

• 0:51Speaker 02

  I'm a big fan.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  You two, I love that you two who've never been on a Lime Bike are sitting here just, I am a Lime Biker. Not anymore because I got my new bike.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  They're basically, if anyone's not aware, they're the kind of city bike, but they, that.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  They're electric.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  Are they?

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Oh my, I see, you know nothing about them.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  I don't, sorry, you're right.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Absolute jack shit.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  They're always, they're always around Clapham Common. People just toss them on the ground. They're like.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  That drives me mad.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  They're like pennies or pre-market. You only go in there, there's a Saturday and it's carnage, there's clothes everywhere. That's what the Lime Bikes are like at the weekend around the common. They're just tossed everywhere.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  You're actually meant to take a picture of your bike when you drop it off though. So when you park it, you have to take a picture of it being parked. Because obviously they're like, everyone's just fucking them in the sewers and stuff.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  These things, there's blood on them, there's booze on them, like they're carnage.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  I watched a woman, right? She looked like to be in her late 30s, on a good day, I'd say. She looked in her late 30s and she was emptying the rubbish from her bag into the Lime Bike basket. And I just thought, why are you doing that? Why are you putting the rubbish from your bag? And do you know what? Me and Alzo stood there and watched her and I was like, I'm not going to say anything. This is London, anything could go on.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  Anything could go on.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  She could come and like go for me. Are you trying to have a sweet there, Joe?

• 2:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Okay, go.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  This is gas.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  Is that a home bug?

• 2:02Speaker 02

  Very strict rules about us eating on the podcast. Yes, those rules seem to not apply to you.

• 2:07Speaker 03

  I'm not on a microphone. I'm in the background, they can't hear me chamm-ing.

• 2:11Speaker 02

  You're such a mild bastard since you had the second kid.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  He is, he couldn't give a shit.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Very naughty. I have to say naughty in English, I hate that word.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  I still don't understand how English people don't know what bold means.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  I know, but naughty seems sexual to me, but I have to say, I know, but I have said to my kids, I'm like, stop being naughty!

• 2:25Speaker 02

  Naughty, it's very spank paddle.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Do you know what?

• 2:27Speaker 02

  Remember the spank paddles?

• 2:28Speaker 01

  Oh my god, where is my spank paddle? Honestly, where is my coat?

• 2:32Speaker 02

  Remember.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  She bitched about the wine glasses, you bitched about them. They're the only thing I ever see in your hands.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Well, I will say, I love them because they're so tiny. It's like, it's like a child's kitchen utensil. Do you know those children's kitchens that come with tiny frying pans and everything? It's basically like I have one of those to our kitchen. Yeah, it's like, it's like that, I feel like Polly Pocket.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  Well, I'm glad, I'm glad you loved them and like that you really went to the effort to bring my coat in today.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  Well, sorry, do you know what? I went down to the framers on a Monday. I've five prints, including yours.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  So you've no money left to live for the rest of the year.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna see if I can move framers, because these lads.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  They're all the same.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  They're probably off skiing with the amount of money I've put into that business.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  They own the chalet as well.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  They own the chalet.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  They, it's, it's not just your framer.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  No, I know, their framers are notorious.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  I know. I framed a couple of theatres when I got span to do it, because I knew the price and he didn't. I was like, take them, you can do me a favour, take them over there. He's like, did I just make £200 to get this framed? And I'm like, I think the kids are gonna go on Ikea frames.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  That's a deal, £200.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  What are you getting done? Are you getting that like shine proof glass?

• 3:37Speaker 02

  I'm getting all the bits and bobs. Once I'm in there, I'm upselled, you know, I'm sold. And then they have a certain guy in the place that comes and hangs it, because obviously I can't do any DIY. But I, I.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Someone comes and hangs it for you?

• 3:48Speaker 02

  A guy called Nor, what's his name? Norwood or something, his name.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Well, I have to say, you're a handyman. He's, I, I've never been ghosted so much in my life by handymen, honestly.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  Is he? I, I had to stop using them.

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Left, right and centre, same in Ireland, I have this guy come up, he's thrilled to do the work. We're like six, one's standing in line. Right, if you don't want to do it, just please tell us.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  We're waiting for you, they ghost so bad.

• 4:09Speaker 02

  They're spinning, they're spinning clients, of course, because they're trying to keep everyone happy. What, what, what, see, you have a drill, and this probably is a bit boring with the podcast, I need to borrow your drill.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  I don't.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Not for any particular reason, I'm just gonna have a go.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  I'm not sure it's a good idea, I'm not sure it's a good idea, but I'll let you have a go, but like.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  I have a load of things to hang.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Would you not wait till you own your own place before you start borrowing my drill?

• 4:27Speaker 02

  I think I'm doing an interiors show. Or an episode, or like one episode of an interiors thing, maybe, maybe on the flat. So I'm gonna have to really.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Oh my god, that'll be really good.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Shit, I should have got you in for my show.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  There is a tool that detects electric cables in your wall.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Oh god, I never even thought about that.

• 4:47Speaker 02

  You're. You have a degree in construction.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Do you think I was going to uni and putting paintings on the wall?

• 4:53Speaker 02

  I love to see.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  That's not what I did there. I was doing like fucking law around building, construction.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  Then why are you now on the telly in a boiler suit with a hammer?

• 5:03Speaker 02

  Claiming that you're using your degree.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I'm more, I'm more doing the project management side and like designing their build for them and what they're gonna do and like everything like that.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  I'm being taught DIY.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  And like the amount of stuff you, sense of worry, but the amount of stuff you can do your own is unbelievable.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  I'm, that's why I wanna have a go at your drill, just to familiarise myself with the whole drilling system. Because I do feel as a single woman who lives alone, I'm, I don't wanna be handing over cash for the rest of my life to do very basic things.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  No, and you should be able to change a plug, all those kinds of.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  I hear.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  You know, you can get, you can get, I'm gonna get you, no, I'm actually not getting you anything because I haven't got my presents yet, so.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Well.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  You can buy yourself a laser.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  I dragged all these things down to the framework and like I say, they're away on a, they're closed on a Monday. I'll never understand it because they're also closed on a Sunday. It's not like they work Sundays. Anyway, what I'm saying is the process has begun. But you know me, I like to take my time with things.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. So I'll probably get them by next Christmas. You can give me, you can give me a bulk gift next Christmas. Speaking of presents, I have recently, now I've sold stuff on Vinted before.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Have you ever been on Vinted?

• 6:10Speaker 02

  I've, I've, I don't think I've ever bought anything off it.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  I, oh my god, buying stuff, Joe, for baby clothes? I got like a Ralph Lauren jumper for Otto for like 12 quid.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  Joe, will you send me an email to remind me to buy you a baby present? Thank you. Do it now.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Send it to Laura. Send Laura. Will you just send her an email, will you also send her an email just to remind her to bring in my North Face jacket, please?

• 6:33Speaker 02

  How many emails are we sending?

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Anything, anything, yeah. Will you also actually shoot her an email then to ask her to collect the stuff from my house? I will, yeah, so I'm on to Vinted now and it is, it is the most joy because you can go in and you're like 12 quid for a Ralph Lauren jumper that I'd pay 90 quid for. I'm not giving you 12 quid and you can make an offer of a tenner.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Oh my god, I'm surprised we even made it out of bed, the arousal you'd get from that.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  It was, it was unstoppable and now, I think most of the joy I get is when the packages arrive.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's very, I mean, buying presents for yourself, I mean, it's, it's, it's high end activity.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  The jumper had tags on it, it hadn't even worn, Otto's got a brand new jumper. Yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  I'd say, I'd say he was, was he running low?

• 7:15Speaker 01

  He was absolutely.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Was he running low on clothes, yeah? The lads wear 12 jumpers a day just to get the wear out of them all.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  He needs to wear 12 jumpers a day. Do you know what he did the other day? He's such a terror. He basically, me and Spenny, I was cleaning the dogs because they stank and I was in the shower cleaning the dogs and Spenny was in the sauna and then Otto, it's on a Sunday, ran outside and he was with tea and I said to him, just to make sure Otto doesn't do anything bold. And then he picked up loads of muck from the plants, ran back into our room with cream carpets and as me and Spenny were standing there, he just threw it at the mirror and we were like, and you know when you're just like so shocked, I was like, oh my god.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  It's very Banksy. Maybe it's an art installation. Maybe he's taken after his Auntie Joanne. Maybe he's going to get into the visual arts.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  He was just so bold that I was like, he's three, he shouldn't be doing stuff like that when he's three, what's he thinking?

• 8:18Speaker 02

  Aren't they notorious at three?

• 8:20Speaker 01

  I think three's worse than two, well, it would seem that way because he's only started throwing muck around the house now. Next is going to be the dog shit.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  I didn't expect Otto to take a turn. I didn't think he was gonna be the rebel.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  He took a turn quite some time ago and he hasn't quite finished the turn. He's not gone back the straight and narrow yet.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  I must go down and have a look at him. I haven't seen him in ages. Speaking of the shopping, this might, you might, might be boring or might not be boring. Um, Jo, I'll let you decide. But I was in, so this might be a really obvious life hack. When you're in, if you're, if and when you're in a posh part of any town, go into their charity shop. I was in, I was in Notting Hill yesterday. I go there to get my hair done into Larry King.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  The hallway to Notting Hill?

• 9:00Speaker 02

  I go to, I gotta go to, I, Kate, you, once you're attached to a hair, once you're attached to a colorist, you gotta go. I'd go to Ghana if Katie moved to Ghana. You gotta go.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  I cheat on everyone.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  You gotta follow her, you gotta follow her colorists.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  No, I cheat on people all the time. I have a colorist in Ireland, I have a colorist here and I could use any colorist sometimes. I'm terrible.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Really?

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I cheated on John Belton the other day who trains me. I went back to Dalton Wharf.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  He's very upset and I said, well, John, that's what's gonna, I, I don't know, I might cheat on both of you in a minute.

• 9:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get someone new, that's nice. Um, but so I, there's an Oxfam in Notting Hill and you go in and it's all, it's savage because it's obviously Notting Hills, like, why am I whispering?

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're telling everybody so you can say it out loud.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I went in, I got a load of designer shit for, like, what?

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Oh, we wanna know what you got.

• 9:44Speaker 02

  Oh, well, I don't, I don't know, though. I don't, it's just like really well-made stuff. I don't, I didn't recognise the name, but you can tell that they're high-end stuff. Yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  Pretty Dorothy Perkins and she's like, that's designer.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, Zara Jones, dude. I was like, wow!

• 9:56Speaker 01

  Look at this Jane Norman jumper.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  I guess it is a circum, it is subjective as to what you think is designer, but for me, I, I ran into the place like I burgled it. I was thrilled with myself and then I was, then I got home and I was putting them all on and I had a great day.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  That's how I felt with Vinted. I got a Prada tank top for eighty pounds.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  How much would a Prada tank top be?

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Like five, I don't know, Jo, how much would they be? Because I'd never dream of buying one at full price, obviously. But I honestly was like, this is the most amazing.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Seven hundred and twenty pounds.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Whoa! Seven hundred and tw, for a tank top?

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Well, I got it for eighty. I even thought that was a lot.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  That's a two-week holiday.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Seven hundred and twenty pounds. Imagine that.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  Speaking of holidays, so today, me and my family are going away for Christmas.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  For Christmas?

• 10:43Speaker 02

  We're going away for Christmas. We're going to a, we're going, we're gonna have a tropical Christmas. We're going somewhere hot.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Where?

• 10:49Speaker 02

  I'm going to Canarys or something.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Okay, well, don't, okay.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  I don't actually know where we're going, I, I.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  Well, I'm just gonna put it out there, I might go to South Africa at Christmas and I'm not following you, but I'd love you to be there.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, you should go, you should go, I can't, it's too far, it's too far to go for five days.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it is, yeah.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Um, for Christmas.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  Well, I've only got that on my mind, it probably won't happen.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  Oh, no. Um, and I was talking to my mother about it all and I was like, we're talking about the cost, everything, she told me the cost and I was like, well, I'll, I'll cover you for your Christmas present, blah, blah, blah. And, um, she was like, well, yeah, we got a good deal because obviously we're sharing a room. And I was like, obviously, what?

• 11:24Speaker 01

  No.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  I said, Mom, we can't be sharing rooms.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Has she not met you?

• 11:29Speaker 02

  It's like, Mom. Me and you, sharing a room for six nights in Tenerife.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Joanne might go to bed at six o'clock at night, wake up at one and then she'll do stuff from one till four and then maybe she'll go back to bed.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  You wouldn't know what I'd do.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  You're not normal, I'd hate sharing.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  I can't, I can't have my system witnessed by my mother.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  It was frightening.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Six nights, Mum, I was like, I mean, and I, I, I was like, I, I, I, she sounded a little like hurt when I was saying, um, she was like, obviously I thought we'd share, I said, obviously we, we aren't going to share.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  You're, I mean, I think it's not.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  It's too long.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  It's too much, no.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  I said, Mom, I'm a forty-two-year-old woman.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Now, I'll share with some people, I'm going away with the girls for two nights, um, for our fortieth and I'm sharing with one of the girls.

• 12:13Speaker 02

  My mum would have us in twin beds, like an elderly couple. It's like, no, I also said, Mom, I'm a single woman, you wouldn't know, you wouldn't know. And then she went, well, in that case, I'm a single woman as well, maybe I'll bring somebody back. I was like, well, there you go, there you go, we both get the clap in our separate rooms.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  I'm like, Mum, are you going to the bathroom for half an hour?

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, just, or me in the bathroom, some hot Tenerifean lass.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  You would do that?

• 12:40Speaker 02

  I was just shocked that the assumption was that, but now, of course, I've offered to pay for the holidays, it's gonna be twice the price, I'm raging because I'm like, I've offered it now, I said, no, no, no, you'll be in your own room, your own wing, maybe.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  You can actually say to her, listen, it's Christmas, it's Christmas and birthday present.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Birthday present, yeah.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  You can double up, a hundred percent.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  That'll be nice if you're all going away.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  It will be nice. Be nice little team bonding session.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  See, I still, I still am traumatised over Christmas. Like, I don't want to, I'm not, like, I'd go as far as nearly cancelling Christmas. And I know I love Christmas so much, just the day itself is too much for me. I don't want to cook, I don't want to clean.

• 13:12Speaker 02

  But why are you? Well, this is the thing. So I suggested to my sister-in-law, we get an Airbnb because we were finding it hard to get a hotel. And she was like, I'm not cooking and cleaning and making beds. And I was like, oh, no, I didn't even think of that.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Because it's relentless. It's rel- because no one else, because everyone else goes on Christmas. And then you're like, when I was in my house, I was just doing, I was cleaning like nearly all day, every day. And I was like, why am I still cleaning?

• 13:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, no, no, no.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Amherst locked in the corner drinking espresso martinis at 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, no, this is not for me.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  No, you need to outsource that shit. Go to someone else.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  I was thinking of going to a hotel or something, just going into town even, just, I'm like, because my brother offered and I was like, no, because, because you're going to make me clean up there too. I'm not going.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  I'm very, see, because of, because I've never presented as domestic in any way.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  You're so lucky.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  I've never identified as such, so no one expects anything from me, which is, is actually, I mean, I think one day I will, I will get to a point where I will throw up some sort of Christmas event. Potentially on the day, which I guess will be me having Christmas Day.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Well, I'm not going because again, I'll just be, you'll just give me like a penny and I'll just be sent around to clean everything up.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  A penny?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Did you not bring your tights? And mine's blocked.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Why do you only have one earring on?

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Oh, it's a fucking phone out again.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  I bent on the driveway yesterday and I put it back in. It's a phone out again.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  Can I please talk about something I really didn't think I was going to take any interest in and I have?

• 14:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  I've taken a break from Married at First Sight. I'm big into The Conclave now.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Did you watch the movie?

• 14:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:55Speaker 02

  So not that big into it.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  Okay, you're getting on board.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  I'm into the real, I'm reality, I'm a reality TV girl, so I'm watching the real Conclave play out. I'm big into the popes, it's all very Pope's Got Talent. There's six in the running. One of them, his surname is Pizza Party, so I was like, I really want him to

• 15:12Speaker 01

  win. Oh, he'd be good, yeah.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  But then, so I was like, Joanne, you can't vote, and now, obviously, I don't actually have a vote. But I was like, you can't vote for someone, because some of them are quite hardcore, these popes, priests, whatever they are.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  I feel like that they're not really, I don't think, I think the Pizza Party fellow living in Rome, it all makes sense to me.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  There's one from Ghana who it was like, it was against condoms, even when there was like an epidemic in Africa. So I was like, Joanne, you should probably read into them and not just vote for one because his surname's Pizza Party. Some of them are very misogynistic. I don't want to put my vote into one of them because his name is Pizza Party, and then he ends up doing something wild, like decriminalising grape. Grape is what we say on TikTok when we don't want to use the real words. Yeah. Did you know that, Jo?

• 15:51Speaker 01

  I didn't know that. You're very good at TikTok, though. You're the best of TikTok.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  I'm out of this, us, yes.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  So who, so who, so how many are actually in the running? That fellow from Ghana can't be in the running, come on.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  That's, according to my source, The Times rang me directly. Well, it was in, it was an article in The Times. Times like to, they like to pass their news by me to see if it's true or not.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  I'll buy the sweet.

• 16:12Speaker 03

  Do a sweepstake, come on.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  We could do a sweep, that's a fun thing to do. We could do a sweepstake.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Okay, let's see, let's see who the popes are in the running.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  And then when they win, when they release the white smoke, I'm going to go out on my balcony and kind of puff on a Proud Mary just to mark the event.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  Well, we never know.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  My own little reveal, yeah. Going to stand on my windowsill and clap and come and puff it away.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  Okay, the front runner currently, at his 70, so that's, I'm.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  So one of them's quite young.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Pietro Parolin.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  Pizza Party, is he the Pizza Party guy?

• 16:42Speaker 01

  I don't think he's the Pizza Party. Twelve, okay, there's 12 cardinals. Everyone has to choose one. We do this in horse racing. I only ever choose on the name. So let's just go by names, yes?

• 16:52Speaker 02

  Okay, I'm, well, I'm, then I'm gonna, I'm gonna go for Pizza Party.

• 16:55Speaker 01

  Pizza balla.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  For my own, Pizza Balls, that's it, yeah.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Pizza Balls, okay, you're going for Pizza Balls. Jo, here's other ones that we could go for. I, I'm back choosing next by the name.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  Some of them are quite hard.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Jean-Marc Abeline.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Sixty-six, he's practically a spring chicken.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  Well, you see, they don't want to vote in them too young because they don't want them to be there for too long. Because then it becomes like some sort of weird pope dictatorship.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Okay, Jean-Marc, a bit Putin vibes, like.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  A bit Putin vibes, yeah.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Anders Aroborlesius, Swedish, I like the sound of him, I like the Swedes.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  I'll take him. Joe, have you chosen?

• 17:30Speaker 02

  One of them is quite liberal, one of them is, he kind of agrees, he's willing to bless same-sex marriages and he is willing, he's willing to kind of take a start, he doesn't believe the priests should be celibate, that kind of thing.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  I'm kind of jealous of your, like, I want pizza balla.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  I got it, what can I say, I've been doing my research.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  I can't even remember who I chose now. Oh, Mateo Zuppi, sixty-nine, he probably won't get it because he's sixty-nine. I'm going for Mateo Zuppi because then I'll remember.

• 18:00Speaker 02

  Antonio Gokimtegal, please, the Filipino pope, hopeful. The former frontrunner for pope was also accused of handling a 125,000 payment to a charity run by his brother, as well as a 575,000 fee paid to Cecilia Moranga, a self-styled intelligence expert who offered to broker the release of a nun held hostage in Africa by Islamic extremists. I had no idea there was so much drama in the Vatican. Also.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  So much.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  So much drama. The funeral was quite the spectacle.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I feel really bad, I didn't watch the funeral, isn't that bad?

• 18:32Speaker 02

  Sorry, don't get me wrong, I didn't watch, I just looked at the photo, I didn't watch the funeral, you mental? Apparently the funeral was, the Q was carnage, there was like nuns elbowing trying to get in up the top and it was, someone said, the thing that I read, they were like, it didn't feel sad, it felt like a festival, there was poor to lose and I'd say the Trevi Fountain is wildly contaminated. I'd say these nuns and priests were living for this, like, this is a huge, this is like Olympic Village riding, I would say. Sorry, obviously I know they're all celibate, inadverticomics, but like, come on, we know, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  I don't know, I don't think it's, I don't think it's right to be asking somebody to be celibate for the rest of their life.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  Of course it's not, it's insane.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  But the only thing is, once you get into it and once you haven't had sex for a while, you're kind of like, hmm.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  That's true, you switch off. I'm a volcel now, voluntary celibate.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Are you?

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. In-cells are the involuntary celibate ones that shoot up schools. I'm volcel, which means I just go to brunch with my friends. Voluntary celibate women are way less problematic than involuntary celibate men, yeah.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  What happened to you yesterday?

• 19:26Speaker 02

  What happened yesterday?

• 19:27Speaker 01

  Joanne was ringing me furiously yesterday trying to get in touch with me and I was like, oh man. And she's like, what's wrong? Is something going on?

• 19:34Speaker 02

  I couldn't get a hold of Vogue for two days, and that's not like Vogue. So I was getting very frustrated and I was like, Vogue, what's going on? Is something happening? Is something wrong? Like, what's happening? She's like, no, sorry, I'm just really busy. I'll ring you later. And I was like, okay, thanks. She rang me, I didn't, I didn't answer. But the reason was, I was training and I knew that. I was like, everything's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I'll see you tomorrow.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  I had responded.

• 19:55Speaker 02

  I got needy.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  I had responded to her on Monday as well, by the way. So I had responded, I wasn't just saying.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  I got needy, yeah.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  I was like, oh god, I better send her a message of where I am so she can see I'm not lying.

• 20:06Speaker 02

  You should be doing wellness checks on me. Anything could happen. I could be electrocuted trying to change a plug that you're trying to force me to do.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  I've never known somebody with such a busy social life, honestly.

• 20:13Speaker 02

  A social life.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  You're, oh, excuse me, you were out and about with Ross yesterday.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  Oh, well, he's my, he's doing my, he's taken over all my socials. I'm starting a YouTube channel now. I'm handing it all over to Ross, yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  A YouTube channel for comedy stuff?

• 20:25Speaker 02

  I'm gonna cut up Prosecco, I'm gonna put it on the, put it on the internet. I finally accepted that Netflix aren't going to buy it. So I've made my peace with that.

• 20:33Speaker 01

  They're lost.

• 20:33Speaker 02

  They're lost.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  It's a hundred percent they're lost.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  And I'll tell you this, Vogue, and I'll tell you this joke. If Netflix don't get their finger out for Penophile, well, I'll do nothing about it. But eventually when they come knocking, I'll be like, no. It's too late. I'll be, I'll be like, thank you so much for the opportunities. I just work in the office. I'd do anything.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Who would love to put Penophile up, but we're not paying you? Okay, fine, take it.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, fine, take it.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  I'll actually, do you want me to cancel the rest of the tour? Because I will.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  Of course you will. I'll do anything. It's so funny. It's just, it's just because Netflix, they're such a good, it's the kudos of Netflix. Everyone wants a Netflix special. Not as easily got as you think.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Well, we will see you on Netflix shortly, so I keep looking at everyone who's.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'd say if I got murdered, I might get a, someone, I'll, like, if, if I'm the victim of a serial killer, I'll get, I'll be on Netflix.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  I wanted to tell you about a story that I heard.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  So I can't say who it was, but basically there's a girl who works in the entertainment industry, like us.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  And.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  Oh, I thought you meant like a kind of a mattress actress.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  No, do you know what as well? Because when me and Sven were in St Bart's, there was this girl and she had like, she, she just had all these Birkin bags. I'd been watching her. She had these massive Birkin bags, which probably, what are they, like a hundred grand? And anyway, she was like showing us her Instagram, we got chatting to her. And we were like, oh, are you in the entertainment industry? She was like really furious and then we were like, oh my god, what have we said? So she thought that we were.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Suggesting.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Suggesting that she was.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Only for porn stars.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um but anyway, so I ah so this is a girl that works in the entertainment industry, but not the porn. She's not a porn star. She does stuff like this. And anyway, she was telling me that like she was getting trolled really badly online and she was like, right, I'm gonna Rebecca Vardy this stuff. And try and find out who is trolling me because some of it felt like it might have been the same person. So she did this.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  You mean she's gonna call in Rooney it?

• 22:25Speaker 01

  She's gonna call in Rooney it, yes. So she was gonna find out, try to find out who these people were that were doing it. And she did this huge deep dive. It must have taken her. She was like, it took me over a year. She was like, but like it was, some of them were so vicious.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  That I was like, I need to find out who is saying.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  Some of them are so, sometimes it's so vicious, you're like, this is personal. This is like, to have that much venom for someone that you don't know. You, you know that person, you can feel it.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Well, that's what she thought. She thought she knew them all. And she was like, I'm gonna find out who's saying all this stuff about me because it was, it was so bad. And it was like consistent happening all the time. So she was like posting stories and taking them down and then seeing who had viewed the stories. And then she was like, she was doing really clever stuff, but she was doing it for like over a year. Cause I was like, how did she find that out? Cause like, I would love to find out. And she was like, you need to put quite a bit of effort into it. And, and so she found out, right, she found four of them. And she got in touch with them and she said.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  How'd she find, how'd she find them? I don't get it.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  She did, she did loads of different things, like then she was able to whittle it down to these four people.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Women, were they women or men?

• 23:28Speaker 01

  Women.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Whittle it down to these four women. And she was like, if you don't come and meet me, I'm gonna post you online and say, show all the stuff that you were doing. Cause she was like, I just wanna meet them and see who they are and why they would wanna do this to me. Knew none of them, didn't know one single, no, none of them, knew none of them. They all.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  I actually think that's better. I think finding out that like, you're kind of someone you know is like, I'd prefer to be stranded.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Like that girl who found out that it was her mom trolling her.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  Or what?

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, there was a girl that found out her mo- mother was trolling her for over a year. Yeah, mad, but anyway.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Sounds like something my mother would do, but go on.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  So Neil, Neil actually has an Instagram that he just watches like my mom and me and stuff like that. And my mom says when he gets a follower, he's like, get them off, get them off.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  But anyway, so she found these four people and she went to meet up with them and she, she took her husband with her. And they all.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  Free to meet her.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, because they had to, because she was going to out them. And they all took their husband and then like one woman who was like a serial troll, had 14 different accounts. So she was posting about her, then replying with another account, replying. So she was basically having this huge conversation with herself and making it out like all these 14 people were just ripping into her. Yeah, no excuse for it, but she's got quite a high up job in a company and stuff like that. Yeah. And so she just spoke to them all and they were all like, obviously crying and so apologetic. La, la, la. Like there is going to be a day when everybody gets like, if you're talking shit like that about people online. Your, your day is going to come.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  It's going to be very embarrassing.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  Well, I do think because some of the sites, they're, they're, they're, they're anonymous.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  But they're anonymous for now.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  There will come, I, I think there will come a time where all that will be backtracked and those emails will be like, like, um, you know, the, um.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  Potato breath.

• 25:26Speaker 02

  Potato breath.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  When someone called me potato.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  That's not what I meant at all. I meant the Ashley Madison.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Hack, that's what I meant.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  There will be a hack.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  I do think that will happen for these websites. I do think that will happen one day.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Would.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  And people will be mortal.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  If there was, because it usually is the same person. Like even when I see comments about myself, it's always the same person. And like, it's just really bizarre, the same username. And I'm like, it's just so strange. But like to find out that she didn't know any of them and that, and one of them had 14 accounts. Like, how does she have?

• 25:57Speaker 02

  I know mental health isn't an excuse, but that does sound like she is mentally unwell.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, but like they, like they brought their husbands with them as well. Imagine, imagine I had to accompany Spencer to a coffee shop because he'd been trolling people online. I'd be like, who is this man that I've married? I'd be really freaked out by it.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  This sounds like a documentary.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  I know, it's just, I'd love to do something like that.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  Maybe I'll find my trolls and that's how I'll get on Netflix. This is great folk. Look at us brainstorming.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  I wouldn't even be doing it. And mine would have to be a movie. There'd be so many of them.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  I'm wearing my net shoes and I actually was like, Joanne won't be able to, that's all, bring socks.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  You're wearing your feet gloves.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  I'm wearing my feet, no, they're not those ones, they're not, they haven't got special spots for toe. I brought socks, isn't that nice to me?

• 26:45Speaker 02

  That's very sweet.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  That's me looking after you, there you go, just don't look at my heels.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  There was another writer, writer Lindy West on confronting her internet troll and reclaiming the word fat. So I remember this story, I don't, I don't remember it well enough, I'd have to read it again, but it is an interesting story. She was basically getting absolutely trolled to death by this person. Her father had recently died and the troll was using photos of her father and like making him say things and calling her like basically a fat bitch, blah, blah, blah, and your father must be so embarrassed and all this stuff. And she ends up coming off the internet and then she went back on the internet and like that, she

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Found him.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  Found him.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  It was a man?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  It was a man, asked to meet him.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 02

  She actually has a book about it, Notes From A Loud Woman. We all know the anonymity of the internet can often bring out the worst in people, but what if you had to face someone who harassed you online? But in person, that's what happened to writer Linda West. He took, this guy took his internet hate to a whole new level, but then he did something remarkable. He apologised and West turned that experience into an article and it's actually a piece on This American Life, the podcast. But it was, it's really interesting, I'd recommend it, like that. And he was like, I'm so sorry, I'm, I'm basically, I'm, I'm really unhappy. That was what he said, I'm really unhappy in my life.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  I know, I just, I, I really struggle to feel sorry for people like that.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  I just can't, I guess it's because I would never do that to somebody, I just wouldn't do it.

• 28:10Speaker 02

  No, but you're, you're happy.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  I say that with like kind of regretfully, sadly you're happy.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Big news in aviation.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  Which you know, I'm a huge fan of.

• 28:25Speaker 01

  They found the plane.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  No, still looking for the plane.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:31Speaker 02

  Well, no, they're not actually. They've stopped looking for the plane.

• 28:33Speaker 01

  You just told me about three weeks ago they'd only started a new search.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Sorry, they have. Sorry, I'm sorry. I forgot about that.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  So it's, again, it's on.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  I have Garode, who opens Penafill with me most of the time, was like, so every show I've done, I've had one reference to the missing Malaysian Airlines flight. And he goes, I can't believe you've managed to wangle it into Penafill again. I just think it's one of the greatest mysteries of our generation and potentially the world. But other aviation news, they think they found Amelia Earhart's plane. Now, yes.

• 29:02Speaker 01

  Well, how long ago did she die?

• 29:04Speaker 02

  So she was supposed to be the first woman to fly around the world and she didn't do it, Amelia. She ran out of fuel, which, I mean, that's something I would do in a Toyota Corolla. It's not something, I can't, I don't know how she managed to do it.

• 29:19Speaker 03

  It was a very, very early plane.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  It was an early plane, but I mean, come on, would you not stick a can in the boot? You're not doing the aviation girlies any justice.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  If you're telling me they found her plane now, they must have made the planes pretty well those days if it's still a piece of a plane.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Well, there's someone, and I read the story very quickly, so I don't, I'm not going into the weeds. They think they might, so Amelia Earhart, it's one of those mysteries. She went missing. It was, you know, huge story. Still is a huge story.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  How many years ago? I need to know the years.

• 29:44Speaker 02

  I think it was in the 60s or 50s, Jo. What was it?

• 29:47Speaker 03

  1937.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  1937.

• 29:50Speaker 03

  Over the Pacific Ocean.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  1937. So someone thinks they found her plane, that she went missing, she drove into, or she crashed. She drove into.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Into the sea.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  She pedaled, the plane collapsed. And then she died of exposure and hunger on an island. And then her body, this is the theory, was eaten by coconut crabs. So then, of course, I had to Google coconut crabs.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Jesus, I hate crabs so much.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  Coconut crabs are these, like, it's the stuff of horror movies. Their crabs, or their claws are so strong. They can crack open coconuts.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Let me Google a coconut crab. I really, like, that's one of my biggest fears is crabs.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  What, really?

• 30:32Speaker 01

  I cannot stand them. I saw this video of a crab removing its own skeleton yesterday and then I couldn't sleep last night. Coconut crab. Oh, that's a terrible way to go.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Isn't it?

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Honestly.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Imagine getting eaten to death by coconut crabs. Or no, sorry, she starved to death and then her body was eaten by coconut crabs.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Oh my god. They are desperate.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  I know.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Oh my god, they climb up. They're massive. Ah, no. No, I'd, they are rotten looking.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  I'd say they ate the airplane as well, to be honest.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at the size of that.

• 31:04Speaker 02

  Look at the size there.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I never know. Is that, is that AI or is that what it looks like?

• 31:08Speaker 02

  Ah. Ah.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Oh my god, listeners, please Google the coconut crab, like, honest, oh no.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  That is the stuff of nightmares.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  They're massive.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  They're just, they're, that, they look like they've just escaped out of a lab.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  I think there's hair on them as well.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  God. Oh.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  They're wearing ponytails. They've got plats. Anyway, yeah, that's the latest on Amelia. I was devastated for her. She went out to do something really special and then death by coconut crab.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  I'm glad you told me that because I have been thinking about her non-stop.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  There you go. I knew, I knew you needed an update.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 02

  I have a date.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  Amelia not so air horse. Amelia island horse.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  Do you know what I did this weekend? I went to the London Marathon. I've never been.

• 31:53Speaker 02

  Oh, the London Marathon.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  It was absolute, if anyone has never been, it's a free day out, first of all.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Great.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Tick.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  Love.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  And I went down towards Big Ben with Gigi. I'm like, so you stand at the side and you cheer them on, but it's such a nice atmosphere. We were there to cheer on Spencer who did, who did his marathon in 307, so we have to give him kudos for that.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  That's brilliant. See, I don't, I don't understand. Is that good? Yeah?

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Three hours and seven minutes. The record is two hours and three minutes, which is insane to me. Like, we couldn't even run 20 metres at the speed that that record guy was running. So, yeah, I went to the marathon and now Spencer has decided that it's going to be really funny if he just sets up a GoFundMe page for me, enters me into the marathon and then I have no choice but to do it.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  I'd love you to do it.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  No, I wouldn't. I'd do it with you if we could run, walk.

• 32:38Speaker 02

  No, do you know what we'll do? We'll do one of those things where you push me in a sidecar.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Or we could go on rollerblades.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  Can you do a rollerblade?

• 32:45Speaker 01

  Can you do it on rollerblades or not?

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Are there rules, Jo? Can you just cycle it?

• 32:48Speaker 01

  You can finish it in eight hours. So we've eight hours. So if you wanna walk slowly and do the whole thing.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Can you do the whole thing?

• 32:54Speaker 01

  In eight hours, but we don't, that's embarrassing. We don't wanna do it in eight hours.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  I don't know, we could do, we could really own it, like a walk, we could just join in.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  I think that's not the point of the marathon. I think the point of the marathon is the running.

• 33:04Speaker 02

  Have you seen the professional walkers who walk as like a sport and that, yeah, the waggle on them?

• 33:09Speaker 01

  I need to tell you this, I need to tell you their pace. Pace of fast walkers, Jesus, that's really embarrassing. So their pace is like 6.4 minutes a kilometre. So when I'm running really well, like when I'm doing my best ever run, like practically a sprint that I couldn't keep up for more than a kilometre, I could be going like 5.15, so just a minute quicker. But that's a fast walker. They, they walk insanely fast. We could do that.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, we could wiggle our way through the marathon. There was a girl messaged me and she said, um, I was very confused. She said, uh, and she listened to the podcast and she was thanking me for us keeping her going while she did the mar- she said, I did the virtual marathon. And I was like, exa- I was like, hold on a second. If you can do it virtually, I'm well up for that. I said, so what are you doing? Just sitting at home watching it? But apparently the virtual marathon is when you don't get into the real marathon. So you make up your own trail. I thought it was, I was like, I'll do the virtual marathon, just sitting on the peloton, eating a pad thai, not moving.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Well, a hundred thousand people tried to get a place, fifty six thousand people did the marathon this year. And now they have something like five hundred thousand people. If you, if you're at the marathon, like to be in that crowd and to be running, like it's such a great atmosphere. I like, and there's people at the side like having pints and stuff like that. So like, you'd love it.

• 34:21Speaker 02

  I'd love it.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Can we go on a blimp?

• 34:24Speaker 01

  No.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  Why not?

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Well, I just attach a hot air balloon to Big Ben and we'll just sit there and just watch everything.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  That'd be a great idea. We could hot air balloon folk. Bring your contacts. Let's do a hot air balloon collab. A friend of mine did the marathon. I was like, what? Where did all this come from? He just suddenly was doing a marathon training. And he said it was a great way to escape family life for a while. I said, yeah, fair play.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Really?

• 34:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. He was like, well, he said it's, you know, I'm at that stage in my life. It's either this or an affair.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  Well, do you know what Spencer, like he didn't, cause I was just like, I, I kinda didn't see him doing the marathon as a big deal. And he's trying to tell me that the speed he did is a big deal, but he didn't train at all. But some days like he'll go out for a run and I'll be like, where are you? And he'll just be like, oh, I just decided to do a marathon. So the, so I'm just like, but you do marathons all the time. Like you do one, like you do at least one every couple of weeks. So I just felt like it wasn't that big, like if I was to run a marathon, I feel like that would be a big deal. Because I get a really sore ass after five K.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  Like Forrest Gump, what's going on?

• 35:22Speaker 01

  He just loves running. When he gets into running, he just like, he just loves it. Like when anyone gets into running, they're all mad for it.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Did you see Joel Domit, poor Joel?

• 35:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  He put up this post of his marathon day and it was like four AM, get up and travel to the London Marathon, do the London Marathon. Get back, have, have lunch and then go and do a TV show that night. And I'm like, that's a very long schedule for a marathon.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  Did a gig the night before.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Did a gig the night before, yeah. And he's traveling down at four AM and like, and because he is, he's a very fit person and he's quite a good runner. But he, he like collapsed and he had to go in an ambulance for three hours. And he posted the funniest video of himself, basically this.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  It's, I'm sure, look up the video on his Instagram. It's this random person taking a video of him, obviously just before he's collapsed. He was like, he was just wobbling off.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Oh, my gosh.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Wobbling all over, completely out of it. But the fact that he, he like, he posted a video of this amazing one of what I thought like, of what I thought I'd look like running the marathon. And then this video. And someone had sent him and it was the funniest, but what he did do, it's so good.

• 36:38Speaker 02

  Oh, Joel, you poor thing.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  It is the best video. I honestly think I have.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  It's probably, it was a really sunny day as well, which probably doesn't help with all the dehydration.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  He looks so, he looks like he's done about 50,000 ecstasy tablets.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  That's me after three burpees.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  He looks like he's about to collapse. What I will say is he got into an ambulance for three hours, then he got out and he finished the marathon, he got his medal. And I just think, you know what, fair fucks, because if I got in an ambulance, I would be.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Three hours in an ambulance?

• 37:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, he was in bits and he still, he still finished it on time.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  I'm surprised he didn't need the bed. How did he get him in there for three hours? That's because he presents the Masked Singer. There's probably people having heart attacks out in the street. Like, oh, we can't push Joel out now. He's just in there having a cup of tea.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  They could decapitate a human head.

• 37:39Speaker 01

  Are we fully on like little necks? Look at our necks. You think island life, maybe not.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  It's all go crack.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Not if you're bumping into coconut crusts.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  A margarita, it's not. You get decapitated by a crab. Watch yourself, girl.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Eels as well, eels.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Watch yourself this summer.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  I just want to say, let the record show, I'm still using my Polaroid printer. It's been nine days.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  Well done. Okay, nine days. We said 21. Because today I was like, I think I'm going to start gymnastics.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  And I was like, no, focus. You're still using your Polaroid printer.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  You sound like Lou Sanders. Have you ever watched her Instagram page? She's a comedian and she just does like, one day she's gone rock climbing, the next day she's in a roller disc and I'm like.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  Oh, she's big into the roller, roller skating.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Where does she find all this shit? She's, I'd love to do stuff. I sent you an invite yesterday, something, and you didn't write back.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  What is this?

• 38:31Speaker 01

  After harassing me yesterday morning when I was at an event. I literally couldn't.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  I was like, Vogue, have we got a problem? I turn up to the bar by Vogue, I'm like, can I speak to you outside, please? It's been 24 hours.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  I was like, wow, I've really got her. She's mad about me now and invited to something. Nothing. What did she unread?

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, what did you invite me to?

• 38:54Speaker 02

  What did you invite me to?

• 38:55Speaker 01

  Unread. A show.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  Um, before we leave, I just wanna say, in, so I, I added two new shows to Pinafall in Lisbon and Barcelona. And, um.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  I really should go to one of them with you.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  You'd love to go.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  I know, I'd love to go to Lisbon.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Rhodes, Rhodes coming to Europe with me.

• 39:14Speaker 01

  Oh, fab.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's coming on the road with me to Europe.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Can we share a room?

• 39:17Speaker 02

  Of course we can. Don't tell Pat. She'll be fuming with jealousy.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Um, but so, and they announced the two new shows. Now, they're not like, it wasn't like 3,000 seaters or anything. But I didn't realise there was a huge internet outage in Spain and Portugal.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  Oh, you must have felt so sad.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  I felt so sad because I was like, why is no one buying the tickets? It's like, there's no internet. I was like, fuck, can you imagine us having to go days without the internet? And you can't even announce to the internet that you've got no internet because you've got no internet. You can't even talk about it online, which is what we love to do.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  Is there no, wait, was there no 5G either? Is it all gone?

• 39:53Speaker 02

  No, there's nothing.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 39:54Speaker 02

  There's no internet.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  But my mum has internet and she lives in Spain.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  I don't understand how she's done that. Who's she sleeping with?

• 40:00Speaker 01

  Neil.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Neil's obviously a very powerful man.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Neil controls the internet.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  Neil controls the internet.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  I did see that, but like, I would, I was so, I think I, I thought to myself, I wouldn't mind the whole, like, electricity part, but then your freezer is gonna defrost.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Well, that's, it's such a mom thing to think, but yeah, I wouldn't have thought of that. I was just like, how am I gonna sell these tickets? I'm gonna go out with my own wind farm and just start trying to power the place up myself.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Are they not back on track?

• 40:28Speaker 02

  I think they're back on track now, but they can't figure out what it was.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Well, did you not see that Marks and Spencer had this whole, like, um, fraud thing happen?

• 40:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Sell anything online. If you want Marks and Spencer grapes, you've gotta go in-store.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Ah, barbaric.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  You're not getting those bad boys online.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Oh, that is the worst news I've heard.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  I have a funny thing to tell you quickly about my book, so thank you so much to everyone who has pre-ordered my book.

• 40:49Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, okay.

• 40:50Speaker 01

  And it's still.

• 40:50Speaker 02

  You're welcome.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  It's, oh, did you, which one did you pre-order?

• 40:53Speaker 02

  What do you mean, the book?

• 40:54Speaker 01

  The audio or the book?

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Both of them, fuck.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Okay, good, because the problem is, right, I was like, I'd love to.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  I'm joking, I don't have to, you're just give me one, yeah?

• 41:02Speaker 01

  No, you're ordering one and you are too.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  Yes. Oh, sorry.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Honestly, are the people with the most money, are the Australians?

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Me and Joe have learned from you. You've groomed us into these animals. These monsters.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  I make her pay for my book because I asked for like four tickets for about seven nights of penile pile.

• 41:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. Are we not running a bartering system here?

• 41:26Speaker 01

  Okay, okay. But so basically, to everyone who's pre-ordered my book, I'm really appreciative. And I am appreciative for when you guys finally do use Gabby Bastards. And it is on my link on my Instagram. But everyone's pre-ordering the audio. So I've sold audiobooks, but that doesn't count towards a bestseller list. So they don't include audiobooks. And I'm like, oh.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Do you think not? I'm surprised.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  Everyone's only buying my audio.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you'll, but you will, there are definitely rewards for being heavily downloaded online as well.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  Okay, well, once I get a medal for something.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  You'll get a medal for something. They'll give you a medal.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, just have a medal for anything.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  But the book seems to me, because it's kind of funny stories about your life, I can see that why it would be like, if I was a punter, I'd be downloading it as an audio.

• 42:08Speaker 03

  From the horse's mouth.

• 42:09Speaker 02

  From the horse's mouth.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  That's actually really rude because you know I look like a horse.

• 42:13Speaker 02

  But he said it.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  That's it for this week. Thank you for listening. Please like and subscribe. Tell your mates or tell your mates your enemies.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. Tell your trolls.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Tell your trolls, I was gonna say. There's some people, do you know the way some people rage bait online? Like, we'll talk about it in the bonus, but Jojo Siwa, who I'm currently trying to figure out.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  Oh, we need to deep dive her, yes.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  I have some thoughts. We'll save it for the bonus because we didn't have time today. But I think she rage baits because they, they, and I wouldn't be mentally equipped for it now myself. But so you see people on TikTok where they're like, slag me all you want, or kind of abuse me online all you want, because you're just driving traffic to these videos where, now, these are people publicly trolling rather than the anonymous, like, kind of private trolling. And they're, and they're, and then they can monetize these videos. So they're like, bring it.

• 43:11Speaker 01

  Wow, that's actually kind of clever.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  Isn't it?

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Maybe we need more haters. We need more haters.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  Maybe we need to be wildly inappropriate on the podcast.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Agree.

• 43:19Speaker 02

  Any more than we are. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. I think we're actually, I mean, thank God for Jo and the edit, that's all I'm saying.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  We're gonna go heavy on dictators next week. Get ready.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  That's true. I genuinely thought you were gonna say heavy on dick. And I was like, great, where are we going?

• 43:32Speaker 01

  We're going to Lisbon.

• 43:32Speaker 02

  We're no sorry, I'm a voluntary cell.