Cape Town, Petty Neighbours & The Alps

It's another international effort this week. Vogue is in The Alps and Joanne is in Cape Town! Find out what happened when Vogue was spied on by a neighbour and why Joanne might need more than board games to keep herself out of trouble. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.com This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:01Speaker 01

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Joanne McNally, and my co-host and work wife, Beau Williams.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Holiday crisps are one of my favourite things in the whole world and I've just been eating them non-stop. I'm 100% crisp at this stage. My mouth is so dry from eating them.

• 1:35Speaker 03

  They are the cuisine of the holiday, Gower, are they not?

• 1:40Speaker 02

  Spenny arrived home from the supermarket. He didn't have a bag of salt and vinegar lays. Disappointing, but I didn't go to the supermarket, so I couldn't complain. He did come home with a bag of bugles.

• 1:50Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  I thought bugle.

• 1:52Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. The horned crisp. I know them well.

• 1:59Speaker 02

  Absolute boys.

• 2:01Speaker 03

  That's my, that's my girls.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  How clever of you.

• 2:05Speaker 03

  Horned crisp.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I actually don't know what a bugle is, but I heard bugle was cocaine. Well, I nearly brought the crisp back because I said, excuse me, there's no cocaine in this bag. What have you sold?

• 2:19Speaker 03

  Fake news.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Where is the dust?

• 2:22Speaker 03

  You should contact Joe Lycett. You can contact his consumer programme, I think, dude.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  I actually.

• 2:26Speaker 03

  I think you'd get great, great traction. I, I would, I think I'd subscribe to the Daily Mail if you did that. For the following.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  There was some big news this week. Big news in our house, as you both know, because it's, it's been news for a while privately. But Svenny has, has quit the Spencer and Vogue podcast and now everyone thinks we're getting a divorce.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I thought that. Even though, even though I knew I laughed when I heard the news, I was like, oh, they're probably gonna, they're probably getting divorced.

• 2:57Speaker 02

  It was divorce day. It was, the biggest day for divorce is like, what, the 5th of January or something? So everyone's like, it fell on the wrong time.

• 3:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But you're not getting divorced. You heard it here first, second, third even. She's not getting divorced.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  Yet. To be, to be honest with you, when I saw all those articles in the Daily Mail where they're trying to suggest that, like, they're bringing up all these things. Oh, Vogue and Spencer are talking about arguing on their podcast like six months ago. It kind of did spark a little idea. I said, should we? Like, what's, should we get a divorce? If everyone says so, should we?

• 3:32Speaker 03

  Well, I just, the reality is, he could be divorcing you and we just don't know yet. Maybe this is his grad, this is his kind of slow, backward, out of the marriage. He's cutting off professional ties. And then eventually he'll wake up one day, all his shit is gone. And he's living in the Cotswolds.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Do, listen, he's getting his ducks in a row. That's what hap, he's getting his ducks in a row.

• 3:53Speaker 03

  He's getting his ducks in a row. He's getting his affairs in order.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  And you know what? He's gonna contact all the best divorce lawyers in London so that I can't get them then because he's, you can contact them all and not use them.

• 4:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  And then he'll get them.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  This is what happened to Betty Broderick when she tried to divorce Dan Broderick before she killed him. She, Betty, Dan Broderick.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  What?

• 4:18Speaker 03

  You know, you know Betty, you know Betty Broderick is in prison for killing her husband and his new wife. Oh my God.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  There's so many of them that do that, though.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Uh, Betty's iconic. Betty was like, kind of, I mean, I, I shouldn't call it an act of feminism, but fuck it.

• 4:34Speaker 02

  So, well, that's where I'm headed, is what you're suggesting, is that right?

• 4:37Speaker 03

  Well, Betty Broderick, her husband, there's a great series on Netflix called Dirty John with Amanda Peet and Christian Slade. You know, Kristen Slater, I think, is in it.

• 4:48Speaker 02

  I love him.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  Kristen, you know, it's Kristen Slater. And it's really, really good. And Amanda Peet's unreal. I actually think about it in my spare time. I actually watched it twice, which I don't do unless something's very, very good.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  You never told us about this on the pod, which is unusual now to have seen something so good and not told us.

• 5:03Speaker 03

  It was about two years ago. I might have not, we might have not been even doing the pod when I first watched it. I think I watched it during lockdown. Betty Broderick was going out with this high-flying solicitor and she, he left her for another woman. And there was what we'd call now, a lot of gaslighting going on. And she had never worked and she'd just raised their kids.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  And she was. So he was married, they were married?

• 5:23Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. They were very much married. And she was very much kind of, you know, the good wife, domestic goddess, all that stuff. Looked after him, basically raised her husband, got him, like, she went out working while he went back to law school, did his bar exam, like, all that stuff. He was a lawyer. So anyway, he's like gaslighting Betty, so she doesn't have time to get her affairs in order. And he's getting his affairs in order. And then he comes home one day, slaps her with the divorce. He's like, I'm taking, he's like, you can have the house. I'm taking everything else. I'm taking the kids. He's like, I'll get full custody. And like that, no one would touch her, no lawyer would work with her because he was like this big man, like, you know, kind of a big member of the lawyering community.

• 6:06Speaker 03

  Very high up, very well respected. So no one would touch him. So, very similar to what's about to happen to you folk. You need to get in, you need to get in the head.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  John, I'm doing tomorrow, I'm bringing every single divorce.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  Finding a solicitor. You're getting a divorce. Let's get this show on the road. Let's nip this inevitable bud in the ass.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  And I'm keeping Bertie. I'm keeping Bertie. He's calmed down now. I want Bertie.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  What do I get in this divorce? Can I get the Peloton?

• 6:35Speaker 02

  No way.

• 6:35Speaker 03

  What do I get? I'll get the towels. I love those towels.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  No, you're not having those towels. I love those towels.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Ah, Dora, I get, do I get the housekeeping? Well, what the fuck? What do I get here?

• 6:47Speaker 02

  You can have Spencer's Gilets. You can have something, you can have a dressing up box of clothes that are normal clothes that everyone thought were dressing up clothes. You can have. You'd probably wear them.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm quite happy with that, actually. Yeah. I'm happy with that.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  I was out with my auntie Sharon.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  Let's move this divorce along. I have an event in a month's time. I could really deal with that box.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Particularly the top hat that he's popped in there.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  I need, I need a flamenco, I need a flamenco neckerchief as ASAP, if you don't mind.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  You know, you're supposed to start like divvying up all your stuff. Like I was out with my auntie Sharon and she told me she'd left me this rand, she's left everyone this random stuff in her will. And then she was out and I saw her Chanel handbag and I was like, oh no, I'd love that, Sharon. And she's like, okay, okay, I'll put your name down for that. And I was like,

• 7:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  It's that, it's that easy. I'm going over to your house. And I whip my stickers.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  It's just, you're just shopping at this stage. Yeah, shopping. It's like a death auction. So no one would work with Betty and Don Broderick dragged her through the courts. And if you watch the Netflix series, which obviously as I said, I watched twice, he kind of ruined her life.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  What's it called now? I'm gonna, I wanna, I'm gonna watch that.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  So the series is called Dirty John and under that umbrella, they make shows about men who fucked women over, basically. So obviously I'm all of, like a rat up a drainpipe. I watch them all.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  There's one called Dirty Pop, Dirty John. There we go. Okay.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  Anyway, Betty flips out, has a complete nervous breakdown. He marries his 21 year old secretary.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  Fucking chorus.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  So cliché. Steals, takes the children, leaves Betty with absolutely nothing and like a small amount of money.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  Because he ju- wants the love, once someone's out, they're out. They're like, they're like a complete stranger to you now. And you're, and she is just a hassle to him now.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  I didn't recognise Spencer this morning. I did not recognise him this morning when he came in.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  Because you're out, you're mentally out. Yeah. You see? Betty finally completely cracks. At one point, she drove her car into the front of his new house. She gets then taken off. She gets sectioned. And she gets released. She has absolutely lost her mind. And watching the show, you can't help but you're kind of team Betty. You know? Anyway, look, I, I know that's a controversial.

• 9:10Speaker 02

  So what happened? She shot him?

• 9:12Speaker 03

  So anyway, she drives over in the middle of the night. She just absolutely fucking cracks. He did something. I can't remember what he did. He did something to her. It was like the last thing he did to her. And she drove over in the middle of the night, walked into his house, walked up to his bed with him and his new wife asleep and shot the two of them.

• 9:29Speaker 02

  She sho- ah, she shouldn't have shot the wife now. That was too far.

• 9:33Speaker 03

  Talk to me in a month's time.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  No, okay. We would like to clear that up. I, I have no intentions.

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, say no now so you can, you can claim mental incapacitation when it does happen. I mean, we all want to be feminists and not blame the wife, but if she's in the bedside and we have another bullet to go, you're like, fuck him. No, obviously I'm joking. I'm joking. Anyway, yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  But I don't know why people would be that mean. Like, like, I, like, I'm not saying that, like, I'm the queen of divorce, but like, mine was like, it was kept very inexpensive and just not really nasty and just like, listen, we don't like each other. Let's just split up and not, like, we didn't, no one took anything off the other person, which is a good way to be. And plus we didn't have kids, so it was a lot easier to, or I didn't own a house by then. So.

• 10:21Speaker 03

  Well, this, this, this is like, it's just one of those awful, like, you've given your whole life to this man. You've financially supported him when he needed to. You've raised his kids. Like, he's out working all the time. You're, you're homemaking. You're making homes, beds, dinners, looking after him, raising him like he's a giant baby. And then just like that, 21 year old wife and you are out. I know.

• 10:47Speaker 02

  And what happened to her? Did she go in death row?

• 10:49Speaker 03

  She did go to prison.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  Ah, her poor, her poor, her poor kids though. Like, then they have no dad or no mom.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  How long did Betty get?

• 10:58Speaker 04

  She's been in prison since it happened in 1989. She was denied parole the last time in 2017. She's not eligible again until 2032, at which point she'll be 84 years old.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  Oh god, she's gonna die in prison. But like, you know what I mean? You can't be going around shooting people, it's just not on.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Can't be shooting people, Betty. And just in case you haven't come to that conclusion yourself.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, Betty.

• 11:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, can't be shooting people. Sorry, speaking of women in prison, we'd like to offer our congratulations to Gypsy Rose Blanchard, who has given birth to a baby called Aurora, with pretty much her seventh fella since she's got out of prison. I, that girl, has done more since she got out of prison than I've done in my 41 years of living. It's actually made me think about knocking Pat off myself, so I can get sent away. And then come back out all guns blazing. And I honestly think if Pat thought it would make me have a baby, she'd probably take the killing.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Well, to be honest with you, Gypsy Rose has a lot of making up to do time-wise because she wasted all that time in prison.

• 11:59Speaker 03

  Exactly. This is the thing. You need to have a bit of sense of urgency about your life to really live it to the full. I'm taking the piss because of all this free time and I'm not in prison, so I'm just... If Pat thought I'd have a baby, I'd say she'd pass me the hammer herself. She'd be like, Joanne, the softest bit of my head is at the back here. Yeah, the softest bit of my head is at the back. Come on, love. If this is what it's gonna take, you never finish anything.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Joanne and I are both wearing sunglasses because I came on the pod and Joanne said, oh, do you not know that we're recording suggesting that I look like an ugly pig, which I did.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Well, you're just more physically relaxed than usual. I mean, you're giving bedtime vibes, which are the vibes I give all the time. So when I see you giving physically relaxed vibes, I'm like, oh, she must not know we're recording.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  I wanted to ask you something. Well, I know now because I saw you posted something today, but I'm having a little, a little time online. And you know, when there's certain points of the year where people are just a bit mean. I can't get, I don't, I'm getting stuff left, right and centre. And I'm just, someone said something about my kids yesterday. And I was just, what the, like, real bad. I'm not repeating it. I didn't even bother blocking them. One of those accounts, nothing. But like, basically.

• 13:26Speaker 03

  Like A3, A3691284 with a Manchester United flag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  But like, I had, I had a little, it wasn't an argument. It actually wasn't an argument. So I took Otto swimming on last week. There's this man who lives in a building beside us. And sometimes when he goes away, we'll go in and like, check on his apartment and water his plants, that kind of thing. We're quite friendly with him. And then his apartment has a gym and a swimming pool. No one's ever in the swimming pool. And he was like, you can use the swimming pool because as a resident, you can have your guests use the swimming pool. And Theodore's been there for a pool party and stuff like that because one of his friends lives there. Anyway, one day I took Otto because he kept.

• 14:04Speaker 03

  I love the idea of Theodore just buzzing over by himself for a scuba party.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Oh my God, my party.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, just knocking over to his mates. Love it.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  But anyway, I went, I went to the pool with Otto and I posted a little picture of Ossie jumping in and out of the pool. And then some girl mailed me, and I don't see all my mails sometimes. And she goes, hey, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but he's not allowed in that swimming pool.

• 14:26Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  And I was like, and I saw that, but then I'd seen, she'd mailed me loads of nice things before that I hadn't seen. Because you know, either way, you just don't see all your mails. And I just wrote back and I was like, why? Do you live there? And she goes, yes, I do live there. And it's a residence only pool. And I was like, do you have a problem with my two year old swimming in the pool? Yes, I do have a problem. Because we pay for the service charges of that building. And you don't pay a penny. You just think that you're allowed waltz in, uninvited, to come and use our swimming pool when you don't pay a penny. Imagine I walked into your apartment and even used your lift that you're paying for. And I just wrote back and I. Do you think that I just like came in off the street and and and and used your swimming pool uninvited?

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  Just swooped by the concierge and just said, fuck it, I'm gonna leg it in and just like use that's like that was. And I just wrote back and I was like, do you think that I did that? And then she unfollowed me and didn't respond because she obviously thought how ridiculous she was. And then maybe this.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  I told the man whose apartment we look after for him sometimes.

• 15:31Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 15:32Speaker 02

  Turns out she doesn't live there, her mother does. So she is not paying the service charge and and I nearly wrote back and then Spencer was like, you're being petty. And I was like, okay, fine, I will, I will write back, but I will be doing this as a pod topic.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  Oh my God, sometimes it's like firstly, it's hardly like you scaled the wall in your armpits with your child and like fucking broke in. Do you know what I mean? Like you're clearly there half legitimately, you know? And also the lift analogy.

• 16:02Speaker 02

  At the pool, I think I give a shit if someone was you, like I have a lift in our building. It's not like I'm looking like I'm not checking the electrics on it and seeing who's riding the lift. Who shouldn't be riding the lift?

• 16:12Speaker 03

  That's the worst analogy I've ever heard.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  I know it was just, it was really bizarre, but I just thought it was the funniest that she thought I was just sneaking into other people's buildings to use their facilities uninvited. And I'm like, and also what what got me was it's like, why do you care? Why'd you care? Like, I just wouldn't care.

• 16:31Speaker 03

  I care. People care about us more than shit. I had it all because there's a diff, there's, there's like trolling it, there's trolls who are the like full time trolls who like get up every day and they troll like professionally. They just troll like that's their thing. Like, you know, they'll like call you like a fuck or whatever, like, you know, you're funny.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  I'd love to be called a fuck, mine's worse.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Well, I, do you know what? I'm actually just throwing that out there. It's ages since I've been called a fuck, I miss it frankly, I could do with a fresh, some fresh DM.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  I'm in Cape Town, which may I say, the accent is so addictive. I can't stop doing it.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  I'm gonna ask you to stop doing it.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  I think you went to a different continent there for a minute.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Cape Town, it's like, it's really clipped. It's really clipped.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Clipped, clipped.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  It's really clipped. I'm in Cape Town, oh my god, this is stunning. Like, it's stunning, but I'm in an Airbnb alone. I have three gay men coming out to join me next week, so I'm absolutely fine. I've just bought some Scrabble and Jenga to try and keep a lid on things, but I have a feeling they're not gonna have any interest in any of that.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  I actually...

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Uno? Guys, you wanna play some Uno? Guys? Where are you going? Guys, guys?

• 17:59Speaker 02

  Joan, you're gonna be the worst of all of them, by the way.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  I know. I think we're gonna be hitting the gays in many a long and hard next week when the gays got here.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  But you know what I was thinking, right? I mean, this is a really nice house. Do you reckon that they put cameras in Airbnbs? Like, if you had an Airbnb, do you reckon you put a camera? Like, I'm trying to behave like I'm being watched, but so I'm like, all my... When the gays get here, I'm like, if we wanna do anything, it's gonna have to be in the shed. We're not gonna... Like, anything brave has to go into the shed. We're all gonna be in there doing ketamine and getting ridden in the shed, all of us. Like, I just, I wouldn't do anything in the house, I'm just too nervous.

• 18:37Speaker 02

  Are you gonna human centipede them?

• 18:42Speaker 03

  If you like Mary Poppins' handbag, there'd be like 16 people coming out of the shed.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  Joan, it's actually illegal. Nobody can do that to you, nobody, but I know what you, I know what you mean.

• 18:53Speaker 03

  I would. Would you not just have a sneaky little... Like, people put nanny cams in teddy bears, people do it. If I had a stranger in my house...

• 19:00Speaker 02

  That's nasty nannies.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  If I had a stranger in my house for two weeks, I don't know what I'd... I mean, would I accidentally leave a recording device around? Maybe. I have them all from that Furby podcast.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  No, it's actually 100% illegal. Jo, what are you talking about? No, you cannot leave recording devices in Airbnbs if you're renting it out. You cannot do it. It's illegal.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Little cameras, no?

• 19:25Speaker 02

  If you want a human centipede in the living room, you do that.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  Are you sure, Vogue? I just feel like I'd be judged. How long? How many people would you say is an appropriate amount?

• 19:36Speaker 02

  I'd say maximum 12, but only because I know the size of the living room.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  It's a long room. It seems like a waste.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Fuck, I might pop over. Will I pop over?

• 19:48Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Yeah.

• 19:52Speaker 03

  With a mate that size, we'd love to have you.

• 19:58Speaker 03

  You could centipede yourself, do a whole wraparound. Eat your own arse out. It'd be great. I'll take the heat off the rest of us. Be like, no, Vogue's happy there in the corner on around. Don't worry about it.

• 20:13Speaker 03

  She's like Prince. She's had a rib removed. She's grand.

• 20:15Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  I'm gawking over you guys for sorting myself out.

• 20:22Speaker 03

  I'm glad. I'm like, very long flight to pleasure yourself in the corner, Vogue. I mean, you've got a lot for free in London, but anyway.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  I like to have a peep at what you guys are doing.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  She just loves to travel. She loves to see a home. She's big into property now.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Oh, stop.

• 20:41Speaker 03

  I did wonder, do you think that I can, I can be depraved in the house rather than take it all to the shed?

• 20:48Speaker 02

  You can do whatever you want in the house. No one's gonna know.

• 20:51Speaker 03

  Great, because there's a jar of mayonnaise in the main fridge that I happen to be scared to touch, but I think I might dip the fingers in that.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  I've been sniffing around it for a while. I don't sell it down the town.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  That is so funny. What else do you do there? So what are you doing every day? Tell us, you're going, you're going for nice walks and stuff?

• 21:09Speaker 03

  Going for nice walks, writing, reading. Don't really know. I go for lunch, obviously. There's a gym down the road. I'm doing a bit of gymming. I've done some running. As you know, I'm a fierce runner now, folk.

• 21:22Speaker 02

  Did you take, did you take the old, um, the background thing?

• 21:25Speaker 03

  Harness.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  Your harness, is it with you?

• 21:26Speaker 03

  I do. Well, I didn't since you shamed me. Out of us, folk. No, I haven't actually. I've been a harness free.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  I'd say you feel great about it.

• 21:35Speaker 03

  For a year now, actually. Um, I have a friend who lives down the road. I've been meeting him for lunch, having some wines. I'm off to Tabletop Mountain tomorrow. Like, I'm kind of just filling my time, but you know what I am gonna do? And I'm sorry, but I'm saying it now.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  To the Penguin Beach?

• 21:52Speaker 03

  Oh, no, I obviously have to go to Penguin Beach. Sorry, not sorry. And I think this is as integral to a solo person's holiday as pepper spray and a taser gun. Getting a selfie stick.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  Oh, Joanne, I just can't see.

• 22:05Speaker 03

  Sorry, but just because I'm not in a relationship, why should my photography suffer? Why? At the moment, all my selfies are just me, my head up close with very little background in it. And I just don't think I should be punished.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  I understand the reasoning for a selfie stick, but could you not just turn it around and do the 0.5 people that all the 20 year olds are doing? I did a 0.5. Did you see it on Instagram? It looks great. The 0.5 looks deadly. I did that on my own.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  I only have a normal length arm, folk. I don't have one of your arms.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  Okay, well, why don't you get a hat with an umbrella on it as well then, while you're in that shop that sells selfie stick?

• 22:41Speaker 03

  One of those like little, like one of those little windmill hats.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Joanna's gonna go walk around. She's gonna have a, I love South Africa, I love South Africa t-shirts.

• 22:50Speaker 03

  Captain. No, I've already got, I've already got a captain hat and a captain top. Oh, yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Buy yourself a fan to walk around with.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  Sorry, I'm sorry, Novo. We know that your Prince Andrew illness means you don't sweat at all, but I, as a normal human woman, do sweat and I will not be fan shamed by your dry face.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Do you know what I did today? I went outside because I did my Bear by Vogue last night and I'm a thirsty bitch, okay? I admit it freely. Before anyone sees it, the post is going up before this pod comes out and I, there's no denying it. I'm a thirsty bitch and I'm trying to sell some tan. I went outside in the snow and took a picture in my swimsuit and there was a man walking by with his dog and I've never felt so embarrassed for myself.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Where are you in the Alps?

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Skiing in the Alps.

• 23:43Speaker 03

  In the Alps. But do you know what? Yes, thirsty. But we respect you for it. You're brazenly thirsty. You're beep beeping in the snow. And as well, because you're in the Alps, I'd say that lad has seen content being made. You know what I mean?

• 23:59Speaker 02

  I nearly, I nearly did a snow angel in the snow, but it was just so embarrassing as a 39 year old woman. As a 30 year old woman, I would have jumped right in the snow. 39 year old woman, I'm like, I'll just stand here now that he's there. I can't be embarrassing myself that much.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  All the tan would be coming off in the snow and be messy.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  Not Bear by Vogue, actually. That's just all, that's just all of the tans. It's not mine. No, no, no, no.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  Sorry, speaking of Bear by Vogue, I forgot one of the most important parts of my luggage. It's basically up there at my passport, my tanning mess, which means, and try and get it, try and find a tanning mess and get done. It's, they're not a big thing over here. So no one has to paint themselves brown over here because there's a sun in the sky, right? I've been using all sorts. I look like a speckled horse. I've been using sponges, tea towels, face cloths. And then between that and obviously this, I did the sunburn strategy where I just went out and burnt the tits off myself on the first day, which I'm just gonna kind of let, you know.

• 24:55Speaker 04

  Don't do that. That is not a, don't anyone do that.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  You're just gonna peel now. You're just gonna peel and then you're gonna look like, you're gonna look like an old witch when you come home.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  It's so uneven. Do you know when someone, I look like I've thrown myself in front of a flame torch. No, what are they called? I look like I put this tan in the sprinklers and then just like danced, did like a kind of a inspirational dance in front of like a movement to music.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Don't tell anyone what you're wearing.

• 25:22Speaker 03

  What? What do you mean?

• 25:23Speaker 02

  Tell everyone you're wearing Molly Mays tan or something like that if you're all spangled.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Saint-Tropez.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, let's throw Saint-Tropez under the bus.

• 25:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, those Kaya boys. Yeah. Anyway. I guess I won't get a selfie stick then. I guess it'll just be my head.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  I just feel, I do, I do know, actually, I'm being mean. I'm being mean. Get a selfie stick. You really want one? And why not?

• 25:47Speaker 03

  I do. I do want one, but I'm worried. I'm worried about the stigma. I'll be honest.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  You should, but I wouldn't use any of the gay friends you have.

• 25:56Speaker 03

  Would it be? If I, like, this is why people get married, so they don't have the shame of a selfie stick. Do you know what I mean? This is why I should have stored out my love life before I came away. And now I have to embarrass myself with a selfie stick.

• 26:10Speaker 02

  If you get a selfie stick, the only thing that we're gonna ask is that you take a picture with the selfie stick, so we can see you with the selfie stick. I wanna see it in you. So get someone that you're with, a waiter, take the picture. Yeah.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  With me and the stick. And you know, I'll fucking, I'll have it, I'll have it last within four hours. So it's not like it's gonna stay. I'll get some great photos and then I'll just, it'll fall off a wall or something, or I'll just

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Come here to me.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Leave it on the bonnet of a car. Yeah.

• 26:33Speaker 02

  We never discussed the fact that you got the water bottle back from New York. How did that happen? It came back. Is it still around?

• 26:43Speaker 03

  See, Jo, you don't watch my stories. And this is the gold you're missing, mate. The gold you're missing.

• 26:48Speaker 04

  Sorry, I should tune in more often.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  You should. It's your professional job to know all my thoughts.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  Basically, I contacted Fitzpatrick's Hotel in New York because I left my Adidas jumpsuit there that we wore for our New York shows. And he was like, there's also, would you believe? He goes, you've left a water bottle here. And I was like, shut up! He's like, yes. So the manager of Fitzpatrick's Hotel was flying back to Ireland for Christmas.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Shut up.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  And they said, would you like him to bring it back to Ireland for you?

• 27:23Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:25Speaker 03

  And I said, as a matter of urgency. Yes. I would. In fact, I'd like him to fly home earlier than planned. So I can be united with my water bottle. Anyway, he flew it back. It flew back first class, I'm assuming.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  Five stars, Mr Fitzpatrick from Fitzpa- this is like, you don't, now you don't get that in other hotels.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  You don't get that service. You don't get that service.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  Do you think that the Mandarin Oriental is gonna be flying back your water bottle? I don't think so. It's going straight in the, in the rubbish.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Certainly, exactly. And I did say, would you drop it to my mum? They said, Joanne, that's too much. Is it fair? So they brought it back to Fitzpatrick's castle at Coligny, where I went to collect it. And it's now in my apartment in Clapham Common. That water bottle has lived.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Some life, yeah, some life.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  I know. I know. I was thrilled to see it again. And I felt like it was thrilled to see me.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  I can't beli- I cannot believe you saw it again. I was shocked. I forgot to ask you about that.

• 28:25Speaker 03

  I know. Yeah, just goes to show, good things happen to good people, you know? Just put enough good in.

• 28:32Speaker 04

  And away you'll lose it next.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  Oh, that's not staying around. I doubt it's even in Clapham anymore. There's no way.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  If that water bottle could talk, they're like, you bitch, you ripped me out of Manhattan to sit me in a kitchen, yeah, in a kitchen cupboard in Clapham. It was living its best life.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  Living it up in New York.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Living it up.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  I have to tell you a story about Sven because it makes me die of embarrassment when he does it. But like, he has this thing, it's almost like a twitch when he sees a famous person. He cannot let the famous person go by without, now that is, it is a level of famous person, like it's being up, you know what I mean? It's being up. And he's literally like, and I can see him looking around, I could see him getting uncomfortable. I can see him like, kind of going to the side and like pretending not to look, but looking. And today we, we went into this place for a coffee. By the way, we had two coffees and two croissants. They charged us, are you ready? Forty euro.

• 29:35Speaker 03

  This is very-

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Girl.

• 29:39Speaker 03

  This is very Downing on the Streets of Paris prices.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  I couldn't, I was like, how can that? And it was the most delicious croissant I've ever had, but I would not pay forty euro for it. Anyway, we're in this place and in walks Gary Neville. And I spotted him first and I was like, oh.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  I don't know who Gary Neville is, I'll have to Google. Should I know Gary?

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Well, he's a footballer and he's done Dragons Den and everyone kind of really likes him. He's a very nice. Oh, Gary Neville, of course. Yes.

• 30:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, there he is. Very handsome man.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  What's his dad called? Neville Neville.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Neville Neville. Great name, great name.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  So anyway, I spotted Gary Neville walking into space and I was like, oh, fuck. Svenny's gonna be like, and Svenny loves that show that he's on Dragons Den. I was like, this is gonna be really embarrassing. Straight away, Svenny starts sitting sideways and I'm like, here we go. Yeah, sitting sideways. I was like, and I literally was like, I was like, can you just not? Please, can you just not? Just, and he's like, what? What? And I was like, I know what you're doing. I can see you switching around in your seats so that you'll get a glance in them. Then you can say, oh, hi mate. And now I'm held, of course, he goes, oh, hi mate. And I'm just like, every time, just let him fucking have his, his overpriced coffee in peace, Spencer.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  And then he did this thing and he does it to me when we fight. And I know that this was for Gary. I know it was. All of a sudden, Svenny whips out his phone and he has to voice note somebody parle français. And I'm like, oh, listen to how loud his voice has gotten. So Gary knows that Spencer's fluent in French. Anyway.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  It's his party, it's his party trick, isn't it? It's his party trick. It's like if I was there, I would have immediately squashed my nose flat so that Gary would have seen that I've no cartilage as a conversation starter.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  Or you would have just started losing all your stuff. It is a party trick of yours as well.

• 31:30Speaker 03

  Or, or broken into stand up potentially, something like that.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  That would be the last thing you would do.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Have you ever ridden a bald lad, Gary?

• 31:42Speaker 02

  It's like riding a grape.

• 31:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would have done something like that, the old, the old classics.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  Lived in my mum's attic for years, read her journal. Yeah, yeah, the girls call me Joanne Frank. Just complete silence.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Anyway, we ended up having a small conversation with them, but I was honestly like, please, I can't go through this forever. Whenever there's a sniff of a famous person.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  Well, do you know what? I'd say Spencer as well, because Spencer is also famous in his own right, that I'd say he's kind of giving it the like, from one famous person to another nod, as opposed to a non-famous person saying hi to a famous person. Spencer's like, well, I don't know, but I'm a fucking bit famous myself here. Gary probably knows me.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  Mm-mm. Gary would not know us. There's no way that Gary knows us. Gary Neville is in his own league of fame. He played football with David Beckham. They're best friends. He's like, he is in it, like, there's no way he knew who he was.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  These people, I mean, if, I mean, if he's ever even walked past the Daily Mail, I'm sure he's seeing something about you and your husband. Putting on a leggy, busty display and showing what your ex is missing. Come on, you're always doing shit like that.

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• 34:06Speaker 05

  God, you're right. I should put the sunglasses back on. Jesus Christ, I gave myself a fright.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Speaking of David Beckham.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  Very nice segue.

• 34:23Speaker 03

  Thank you. Thank you. Speaking of David Beckham, a little news about Victoria Beckham. It was announced, announced, huge news this week, huge news. Victoria Beckham, guess how much Victoria Beckham made on royalties from singing with Spice Girls this year alone? Now, considering she hasn't signed with them in a long time, and I don't think Victoria will mind me saying this, she barely ever signed with them, let's be honest. She says it herself. She says it herself, that's no shade.

• 34:56Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'm surprised she doesn't make loads of money from that Dame Baris track, sick.

• 35:01Speaker 03

  She probably does. Well, it's in her music career, right? So guess what she made last year in royalties?

• 35:06Speaker 02

  A million.

• 35:07Speaker 03

  A million quid. Yeah, bang on the button, Vogue, bang on the button. Yeah, there you go. And do you know what it made me think? You need to really hammer down on good girls. If you, you need to start making more royalties off that. She's making a million quid. And I'm not being bad. Victoria Beckham, I don't know if people respect the hustle in that woman as much as she deserves. Like, she was like, she could never sing. Like, that's like me getting royalties from my physics career that I had nine years ago. I can't do physics. But she's just a smart business bitch. She just hustled her way into a band. She's like, yeah, fuck it, I'll give it a go. And now she's making a million in royalties, just, she's not even doing it, she's not even singing.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  I tried, I tried to get myself in a band, but by that stage, they needed people to be able to dance and sing. And I couldn't do either of those things, so I didn't make the cut. But Victoria Beckham, by the way, her makeup is amazing. Have you ever tried her makeup?

• 35:59Speaker 03

  No, I haven't actually.

• 36:01Speaker 02

  Very nice makeup and I also, I think I have a couple of bits of her clothes, but they're pretty.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Clothes are too pricey now for me, they're too. Like, she's, it's like, it's high-end fashion, which of course, we expect nothing else. And I think they're very pretty.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Did you see my drunken hat purchase that I bought over here?

• 36:23Speaker 03

  No, please do show.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  Oh, God. So I bought this hat and I was like, that is a bit of me now, that hat. And obviously I was about four drinks in. And then it came and I tried it on, I brought it away and everything, because I was like, that's gorgeous. And then look at the state of me. Can you even see it? Look at that, it's like a poodle.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  I can't really see it.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  Someone was like, cut the ends off and it would be less poodly.

• 36:46Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, that's nice, no?

• 36:48Speaker 04

  Just describe, describe.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're gonna have to, they can't.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  I kinda look like a Russian oleagark, basically.

• 36:54Speaker 03

  Fab, that's ideal. I was, I was actually in London, walking around recently, because obviously that's where I live, and there was a woman in front of me with a giant, I mean, this thing was the size of a Mini Cooper. One of those huge, big, white oleagark hats. It was crazy, it was quite, it was, it was quite the spectacle. That one's very reserved in comparison, I think, go for it.

• 37:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, mine was like, mine was eighty quid, hers was probably five hundred quid.

• 37:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, this was like, this was straight out of Moscow, this was like, high end.

• 37:28Speaker 02

  There's a lot of that, if you ski over to this place in Corseval, and I skied over there the other day, and like, there's like Dior, and there's Chanel, and like, all these really expensive shops. And there, and there was a woman standing there, and like, she had the most perfect hair, the most perfect makeup, I'd say she's never skied a day in her entire life. She had this floor-length fur, and it definitely looked like real fur coats. With a matching fur headband, you have boots, the fur, you can't have the fur.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Great people watching, the crufts of rich people, you just sit around watching rich people. Love us, lifting up each other's tails, sniffing, yeah, sniffing around, seeing who's got more cash. I love us, I'd fucking love a day there now, that'd be great, great people watching there.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  What would we wear?

• 38:13Speaker 03

  I have an apology to make, I have an apology, I spread some false inform-

• 38:17Speaker 02

  I accept, I accept.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  I spread, I spread some false information of late, and I'd like to hold my hand up and say, it was fake news, and I apologise for my part in seminating it.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  What, what?

• 38:32Speaker 03

  If you'll know of recently, I relayed the story about a man who bought what he believed to be a Faberge egg off the internet for £59.99. And when it arrived, it was a potato with some plastic diamond earrings stuck in it. Now, there was a couple of, what would we say?

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Herring? Sorry, there was a couple of red herrings. No, apparently it is not true. There's a couple of red herrings to the story. Firstly, the couple, he was called Tim Smackums, Tim.

• 39:02Speaker 04

  Felter Snatch.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Felter Snatch.

• 39:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  Felter Snatch.

• 39:06Speaker 04

  I gotta say, some bells rang when you said it initially.

• 39:09Speaker 03

  Felter Snatch. And do you remember I was trying to find the story? It's like, it's so weird. It's only on, why is it only on Facebook? Yeah, because it's not real. Anyway, I totally thought for it. Turns out it wasn't true at all because that's how gullible I am. I believe everything I read and that's why I should not, your talk, it's no wonder. I fucking thought 9/11 was an inside job for about five years. So I can only bottom. It's a sad state of affairs. You can't believe things you read on spoofnews.com. That's what I say. Do you know what I say though?

• 39:38Speaker 02

  I wish people would stop putting stuff up on the internet like that giraffe who was hanging off the other giraffe's necks. Because obviously I thought that that was real. That's AI when I see these amazing houses. And I'm like, oh my God, how did they build a house there? And Spence like, that's AI. Like, if there's, what do I, I have to believe everything or I believe nothing.

• 39:55Speaker 04

  Sorry, sorry.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Put you on a course.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  Saz.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  An AI course. Well, that's it, Joanne. Go buy yourself a stick. Go buy yourself a stick.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Don't bring it back to London though. It's not acceptable here.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Oh, no, no, no, no, I won't, I won't bring it back. I promise I won't. I'll, I'll, yeah, I won't. What, what'll I do with this?

• 40:13Speaker 04

  Throw it into the sea.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  No, give it, excuse me, Jo, we don't litter on this podcast. Jo wears for any litters.

• 40:24Speaker 04

  The pig.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  That's it. That's it for this week. Everyone, thank you so much for listening and we will be back with the bonus on Wednesday.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Thanks for listening, guys.