An almost Halloween Special, Lily Allen & The Louvre

In what is pretty much the Halloween Special Joanne and Vogue have a spooky midlife crisis', unpick THAT Lily Allen album, and put the rumours to rest that Vogue is not the afghan hound. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com https://www.mytherapistghostedme.com Joanne's comedy gigs: www.joannemcnally.com https://www.joannemcnally.com This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  You're listening to a quick ad. You know what else is quick? Selling your car on Carvana. Just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer. Done. No hassle, no negotiation, no guy from an online listing lowballing you. Which means by the time I'm done explaining this, you could have basically done it.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Still haven't started? Hey, better late than ever. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 0:35Speaker 02

  I'm on the ground and I pop up from under the bed and I pull him out.

• 0:42Speaker 03

  I'm trying to talk about Halloween here. How did you go down this road?

• 0:45Speaker 02

  Sorry, no, sorry, pull him in. No, sorry, I mean, keep him in. That's what I mean.

• 0:49Speaker 03

  No, you want him out.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  No, because I want you pregnant for my holidays.

• 0:52Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I'm busy trying to push him in.

• 0:55Speaker 03

  God, we're so used to the pull out trick. That's all we know.

• 1:09Speaker 03

  Hello and welcome to the Halloween special of my therapist ghosting me with me, Vogue Williams.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  I'm Nani.

• 1:19Speaker 02

  I think I am deceased. Calling this a Halloween special is a bit of a stretch. Welcome. Mwahahaha.

• 1:26Speaker 03

  Boo.

• 1:34Speaker 02

  I'm on the road at the moment, as you know. We have added some extra London Apollo shows in February. I have Dublin, Cork, Killarney and...

• 1:43Speaker 03

  My sister-in-law's going the whole way to Killarney to see you. She lives in Portmarnock. I don't know. Her and all her friends are going to Killarney. I was like, Emma, why are you going to Killarney?

• 1:52Speaker 02

  Oh, I'd say because there's earlier tickets. There's tickets this side of Christmas for Killarney, whereas the Dublin tickets that are left are next, next, next year, early next year. Anyway, tell her, tell her to contact me. Let's go back for a drink.

• 2:04Speaker 03

  I will. I'll tell her to go back. I'll tell her to drink a bottle of wine. Her and her pals.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'd love it.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  They're good crack.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I'd love it.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  Oh God. Firstly, listeners, right, I am not Samantha, the Afghan Hound. I have been sent.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, that was, that was quite the onslaught, I would say. Yeah. Outlander Mag or something.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  The Outlander Mag, the Afghan Hound, and I've been sent it so many times. And it is absolutely amazing. And it is a.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Well, just for a reference, for anyone who's kind of come into the podcast midway through, about a year ago, I think Vogue arrived onto my screen for one of our Zooms and she had a curly blow dry. That wasn't her typical curly blow dry. And I said.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  It was overly curled.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  It was a bit of overly, it was a bit overly done, I think.

• 2:58Speaker 03

  Oh, I remember when you and Joe spent 15 minutes laughing at my face. Yeah, I remember that.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  With your, with your face, not at your face, with your face. And I said, you look like an Afghan Hound. And then, and it's really stuck. And there was obviously an Afghan Hound on the front of Outlander Magazine recently. Very Gucci Vogue vibes, like very high end, very bougie. Yeah.

• 3:16Speaker 03

  Prada.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  Was it Prada?

• 3:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, she was wearing Prada and everything. Her name was Samantha. Now, I did spot an Afghan Hound in Chelsea, because that's where they live. They only live there. And I bumped into the owner and I said, Jesus, there's a, there is a deep similarity. But a lot of work goes into them, a lot of hair brushing.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I do think if you were a dog, and we have had these conversations before, that you are definitely, that is, that is the road we would go down. It would be Afghani houndy.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  What would you be?

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Pug.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  I was gonna say Bertie, but I didn't want to offend you.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  XL bully. Yeah. Hardcore. Yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  An XL bully.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  I'd be put down, I'd have been put, I'd have been put down at this point.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  What would Joe be? Joe would be a mutt.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  He would. No, would he? Yeah. I'd need to see his face.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  He'd be a mix of, he'd be a Springer Spaniel mixed with something else.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. He's like, I think, he's like a black Labrador of sorts, I think. Quite people pleasing. Um.

• 4:11Speaker 03

  You're not a dog lover like I, you don't go and pet all the, you only like small, cute ones. Don't, don't lie. I never saw you pet a big dog.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  That's not true. I love them all. I had a dream the other night that my mother told me that I could have a dog and that she'd help me raise it.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  She doesn't.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  That's how much I love dog folk.

• 4:28Speaker 03

  She doesn't pet the big ones or the old ones. And I've seen her kick one.

• 4:32Speaker 02

  No, I'm like a middle aged man. I just go for the young, shiny, hot ones.

• 4:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  I'm having a midlife crisis.

• 4:41Speaker 03

  All I tell you about my midlife crisis.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  So you know the way I was complaining about my anxiety after drinking and how I just, it's not me anymore. I really went, I went far with this. When I was in the holes of depression after my birthday, I got in touch with my therapist and I was like, we need to talk. We need to talk. And it only, the day only arrived yesterday and by yesterday I was fine.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, I've done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  So I had to talk to him about, about my boozing and I was like, I don't even drink that much. And I was like, how can I not drink much anymore? I don't want to drink anymore. And I was like, I was kind of fine by then. But I've decided now that I will drink, but I'm only having a couple. That's my tipping point.

• 5:20Speaker 02

  Oh, very good. Yeah. And listen, I totally empathize. Not with the tipping point. I don't understand that at all, but I am.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  My tipping point around you would be zero, let's say. So I'm not allowed to have any around you.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my tipping point is bitter disappointment that you're not having any. But I've done that thing where I've booked in therapy sessions and then by the time the session comes around, I'm like, I'm absolutely grant. I think I still owe about three sessions, might better help. I keep buying them. And then I'm like, I couldn't be arsed now.

• 5:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you have to pay for them. So I was like, I have to, I'm following through here. I have to follow through. I'll, I'll just remember what I wanted to talk about last week when I was feeling awful and I'll talk about that. And I did.

• 6:01Speaker 02

  It was only when my therapist started saying, she's like, I'm going to start charging you anyway, whether you turn up or not.

• 6:06Speaker 03

  Oh, they do that anyway?

• 6:08Speaker 02

  Well, I maybe I wasn't giving enough cancer. I don't know. But I, I had a terrible habit of in the, when you're in the doldrums of whatever panic attack you're in. And then when the clouds clear, because you have a shower or eat a meal or leave the house or have a phone call with one of your mates. And then you're kind of, you know, you're back in the game.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  I bought like four different natural sleep aids and everything. I was like, I'll never sleep again. I'll never have a nice sleep again. I'll just, I hate this. And I have all this shit there that's arriving at my house. And do you know what? Sleeping like a baby at the moment.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  I did something to Gigi today and I don't know if it's bad enough because I know that like competitions, like you're meant to be in a competition and like whoever wins wins and whoever doesn't win doesn't win. But when we were down at Centre Parks at the weekend, she, there was competition to... So Gigi entered this colouring competition and it was in the toy shop and someone was obviously gonna win by the end of when everyone was staying. And she spent like two hours colouring in this thing and it was pretty good. She was doing patterns and everything on it. And so we entered it and then I kinda said to the cash register, I was like, "Well, we won't be here at one o'clock." And she's like, "That's when like we're giving out the prize." And I was like, "Oh God, that means Gigi's not gonna win." Not that she couldn't have won, but today I faked a phone call.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Oh, good for you!

• 7:24Speaker 03

  I had to.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  Good!

• 7:27Speaker 03

  And I was like, "What did they say was the prize?" And she was like, "A Halloween teddy." I was like, "Straight onto Amazon buying a Halloween teddy arrives on Thursday." And I was like, "Is that bad to do?"

• 7:37Speaker 02

  No, because it's Gigi. You know she'll kick off if she doesn't win. Like, the damage is done with her, do you know what I mean? Now you just have to lean into the, you have to lean into the consequences of your actions. And she's has to win, yeah, she has to win everything or it's gonna make your life really difficult. No, I think that's fine. Will you ring me and tell me I won a BAFTA? I'll probably believe you.

• 8:00Speaker 03

  If you could win any award, what would you win? An Oscar? An Oscar?

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Well, you see, you're tour, like, I ju, do you know this, it's very, sometimes I think your fantasies or dreams, they have to be a little bit realistic. I just would never even be arsed with an Oscar. I'm like, "What am I gonna win an Oscar for?" Do you know what I mean?

• 8:18Speaker 03

  We'd have to, yeah, we'd have to go to the show and then like... We'd be tearing all the lines, oh.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  I've, I've got real Christmas vibes, don't I? This is like real, coming to you live from the Porson Bucket.

• 8:40Speaker 03

  You're like Monty, coming live from the Davenport.

• 8:43Speaker 02

  Yes!

• 8:50Speaker 03

  Right, okay, come on, hit me, I'm ready, I can't wait. I know that you loved, and I have just, I've been, I've been, there's too much coming in now. There's even more today, so you tell us what your favourite thing, well, we all know if you've followed Joanne.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Well.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Our special reporter.

• 9:10Speaker 02

  Sometimes I get, I focus, I focus on things and I'm on the road at the moment. I don't have a huge amount going on outside of sitting in airports and reading things.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  The Lily Allen drama rolls on.

• 9:24Speaker 03

  My god.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  The Lily Allen drama rolls on. Apparently, for anyone who has been living literally under a rock in Middle Earth or the underground. What's the, what's the, what's the under, what's the world called in Stranger Things? The Upside Down. I should have thought of that before the podcast, that's a great segue.

• 9:44Speaker 03

  The Upside Down, is that a good show? No.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  David Harbour's in it.

• 9:48Speaker 03

  I know, I know, I know.

• 9:50Speaker 02

  I actually forgot it existed after series one, being totally honest. I completely forgot it existed. It was great, I enjoyed it and I never thought about it again. The fact it's still going was a bit of a shock to me, but it is and apparently it's very popular. We all know Lily Allen has released, quite frankly, a masterpiece in female revenge. It is a no-hells barred thread of the breakdown of their marriage. There, there's voice notes, there is names, now fake names, obviously. This was the other thing, I couldn't believe, like, obviously we all know it's him, blah, blah, blah, but like, I've written pieces for various newspapers and I'm sure you had it with the book Vogue where they're like, you can't, this guy is recognisable, like, this can't go in.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  And you're like, all right, great. How on earth, how many obstacles and hoops the legal teams had to jump through to get this across the line? I do not know, but it says inspired by, which I think is a way of kind of... Jumping out of all responsibility.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  It's our allegedly, our allegedly.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  It's our allegedly. Anyway, the thing is, the album's phenomenal. It's basically tipping all the charts, five star reviews, everyone's obsessed with us. Couple of things. One, David Harbour's had to turn his comments section off. Two, they opened their marriage. Like, the politics of it, like, it's like, a kind of, I think it's like an example of, she even says herself, trying to be a modern wife and just not being able to figure it out. Also, he broke the rules in an open marriage. Who the fuck opens their marriage? Oh, my God, I couldn't think of anything worse. I'd rather gargle silage for a year than have my partner riding someone else and me high fiving them when they come home and asking them better. I don't think so.

• 11:30Speaker 03

  I think if you start doing that, though, you're gonna just, you're playing with fire. Like, I could never. You have to unlearn jealousy. That's, because I spent time with, with truffles and things like that when I was filming a TV show. And like, they call themselves the tripod and like, like you have to unlearn jealousy. How the fuck does anyone unlearn jealousy?

• 11:49Speaker 02

  It's, jealousy, I think, is something you can probably control if you struggle with it, like if it's unmanageable. But to have none of it? Are you a cyborg?

• 11:59Speaker 03

  No, couldn't. But now, can I add to this whole thing? And, and I know that you, you, I said to Joanne, because I was reading about it and I was like, oh, do you know Lily Allen said that she cheated on her first husband? And Joanne's like, oh, you don't mind about that so much. But that he cheated on her, I don't like that.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it doesn't suit my narrative. I'm a raving hypocrite. I don't care.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  But listen to this. Well, I literally read before I came on the pod, okay, one thing, David Harbour was spotted out with Lily Allen's kids at Universal Studios. So they're still obviously a friendly, and I kind of liked that and I thought that that's actually really nice of him to still be like, hanging out with her kids and making that effort because he was in their life for a long time. Don't hate me, don't hate me for a second.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  I'm the same, but I would say that was a, I'd say that was very much a pure. Crisis response.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  I don't know, because then Lily Allen came out and had, she did an interview and she said, "This isn't a revenge album at all. I didn't mean to be nasty about anyone." And it's like, and then she said she wrote it in 10 days in December, when she was obviously in the thick of her breakup. But like, let's call a spade a spade here. Like, it kind of is a revenge-y album and like, if you're gonna, if you're gonna go.

• 13:12Speaker 02

  A spade a spade. Let's call a shovel a machete. It is absolutely a revenge album.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  I know, but she came out and said it wouldn't. And I'm like, oh no, don't backtrack. Look, Joan's like, "Don't ruin this story for me."

• 13:24Speaker 02

  I'm like, "Don't listen to Lily. Listen to me, okay?" I know more revenge album than Lily Allen knows herself.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  I don't know. I think that when, when she decided, like, I don't even think that that's necessarily a modern marriage. Everyone's marriage is very different. And what, like, what goes on in a marriage for everybody is, is, is completely different to her marriage, to somebody else's marriage. But I think being able to open a marriage like that, like, that just takes a different kind of person. Like, you can't just decide, "Oh, today..." Well, or Lily Allen, she decided to open her marriage.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  No, she didn't decide. She didn't want to. He wanted to.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  Oh, she didn't? Oh, my God. If I didn't want to, I'd be like, no.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  No, it's very clear. First song, "West End Girl", she talks about the fact that they got together, they bought one of those brownstone homes. It was all going perfectly. Look, right in paper.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  Amazing the house was.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  The house is insane.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  Insane. And I just saw they put it up for sale. And I feel bad for her because she had to sell her dream house the last time she broke up with her husband. I know she's having to sell that house. But I don't think she wants to live in New York. I mean, I don't know her at all.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Well, no, she went for, she went for him. She went for him. She's like, "I gave up my immigration status", or "Change my immigration status for you to treat me like a stranger". So then she got cast in a play, that, that 21222 ghost thing, that I think you were almost gonna be in at one stage, Vogue.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. And the, yeah, what the fuck is going on, Eva? I went to RADA. I went to RADA. No, but hold on. I don't think that's a, I don't think that that's like a shady comment. No, it's not shady. I just, I didn't, I, I was, yeah, okay. It's true.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  You were gonna do it. And then, and Lily got cast in it. She got cast as the lead. And she said, she told David that she was cast as the lead. And he said, because he was a theatre actor before he was a TV actor, he said, in a kind of a weird, kind of mean way, "I would have had to, I would have had to have auditioned for that." And I know, and I, I, and you know, and I know Vogue, and we're not going to mention names, but we've both been in relationships with men who have, if, if their career isn't going as well as your career, or whatever, sometimes they don't like us. And no more than I am absolutely convinced that's why Keith Urban left Nicole Kidman, but that's a totally other episode. Anyway, she gets in the plane, goes back, gets cast in West End Girls, starts the rehearsals in May.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  And not in West End, two and two.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  Sorry, two and two. She's, sorry, two.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  There was two plays she did. She did, she did really well in them as well. She got like, everyone was amazed by her.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  You could have done that. Yeah, that could have been you. Did you actually go to RADA? I can't, I can't.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  Did I just block that out?

• 15:51Speaker 03

  I went, I used to do, like, I was in the gay, excuse me, I was in the gayest school of acting.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, no, no show is the gayest school of acting, but that does seem like a more achievable goal. RADA, is that not like where Shakespeare went along?

• 16:05Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah, it was a summer course. It was a Shakespearean based drama course over the summer, paid for by Neil Wilson.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Summer course. Fine. I understand now.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Do you want?

• 16:14Speaker 02

  When the real students were on their holidays.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Okay. I didn't see you, I didn't see you walking through the RADA doors.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  No, I was, I was, I was tap dancing in.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  Oh, were you?

• 16:24Speaker 02

  In, um, yeah, no, okay. I didn't get it.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  Anyway, so she gets this part, she goes to London, she's in rehearsals, she gets a phone call from David Harbour, she, she plays out in the song. And he, it's all her responses, you don't hear him. And he's basically saying he wants to open the marriage. And she's like, this makes me really sad. How will it work? This makes me, I don't feel great about this. And then she's like, okay, I love you. I just want you to be happy.

• 16:50Speaker 03

  Oh, I, no, sorry. I wouldn't want, I, I want you to be happy, but, but not, and not at the risk of my own happiness.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. She basically sacrificed herself for mental health and her own happiness because she loved him. And she was like, this is what this man needs. And then he had, it was all these rules about there couldn't be any emotion and all this jazz. And then he began an affair with a woman called Madeleine. And then she went to drop all his shit off at his apartment, his spare apartment in upper east, west, north side, wherever the way the New York works. And she let her, she put her key in the door and she opened the apartment. And she thought it was a dojo, which I think is like a karate practicing room. And she found.

• 17:34Speaker 02

  His sex palace, as she calls it in the song, his pussy palace. A hundred Trojan condoms, blue butt plugs. Yeah, and I guarantee there's going to be people going to Halloween parties, as David Harbour this year, with a bag full of butt plugs and Trojan condoms. Mark my words. She goes, I didn't know it's pussy palace. And because her voice is so, like, sweet.

• 17:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  It's really well done.

• 17:57Speaker 03

  It just, like, I don't.

• 17:59Speaker 02

  Pussy palace.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  I don't want to be mean here, but like.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  Pussy palace.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  Just don't really see him, like.

• 18:04Speaker 02

  Pussy palace.

• 18:05Speaker 03

  As the butt plug kind of guy.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Pussy pa- oh, sorry, he's a lad with a butt.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  It's such, it's, I don't know, well, her album's done well, and I think that that's.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Really well.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  Fair play to her, but I haven't listened to it yet.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  It should be a musical. I'd go and see it in the West End.

• 18:20Speaker 03

  I mean, there's always a great story like that.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  I mean.

• 18:23Speaker 03

  Did you see her in the summer, though, she was going out?

• 18:25Speaker 02

  I'll play Madeleine. Madeleine's the woman he had the affair with. She's not in it, which is perfect, because I'm realizing.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  I'll be David. I'm David.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  You be David.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  Butt plug.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Love a butt plug. That'll be the next headline.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  We'll have to get one large enough, all those squats. Nothing'll stay in.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  The prop department will be driven mad. Can I get one big enough for her? She'll stop squatting. In the interval, in the after show, rehearsals. She's squatting all the time. I think he's well made.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Did you see, sorry, I want to tell you about other couple of news that I saw. This is so random. First of all, Lily Allen, I saw she was going out with that guy, what's his name? Norton, what's his name?

• 19:45Speaker 02

  Yes, your man, who was in House of Guinness.

• 19:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, so she went out with him for like five seconds in the summer and then he was just dating somebody else after, he doesn't obviously know what happened there. It's so interesting.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  They met on Raya.

• 19:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, I heard that. But did you see her one Sophie Turner, who used to go out with one of the Jonas's? She is now going out with supposedly, allegedly, Chris Martin.

• 20:09Speaker 02

  I saw that. Hmm. I'll have to have that confirmed. I'll check my WhatsApp groups.

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Does well for herself in those little lally tops.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  I'll drive my van around Hollywood with my satellite dish on the top when I get my information. I've had the catering staff bugged.

• 20:27Speaker 03

  I just love it though.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  I know. I mean, there is a little, I will say, I get a little bit frustrated. Now, am I putting myself in the same bracket of Sophie Turner, Chris Martin? I guess I am. But I am jealous of these celebrity relationships where they literally jump from one, they have so much access to hot people and they're all obviously just rich and gaiety and up for right, whatever. Like, I went on, sorry, I went on a dating app a week ago, met a guy that I was like, yeah, you seem human.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  Normal.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  He's like, would you like to go on a date? I said, I will. He said, when are you free? I said, December 9th. Now, I am on tour at the moment, but December 9th? How Sophie Turner, like, are they?

• 21:12Speaker 03

  Did he agree to that?

• 21:14Speaker 02

  He did, yeah.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  He's waiting till December 9th?

• 21:16Speaker 02

  No, in fairness, it's not a guy, I do have nights off before then, but I'll be honest, on those, I have occasional nights off, I want to fucking sit in my bed, watch Love is Blind, wear a sheet mask and drink.

• 21:27Speaker 03

  I'm sorry, get the fuck out of your boffice and go on the date. December 9th, it's not even November. This is bad, this has gotten real bad now. You need to get onto BetterHelp and...

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Got a real problem here.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  I'm nesting. It's cuffing season. I'm just cuffing myself.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  Oh my God. December 9th. This is lad you were telling me about two weeks ago.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  It's that December 9th and I'm free between six and eight.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  That's why Joanne, I should have met anyone. I was like, why do you think you're literally not available? But like, I am looking for the rebound. Lily Animal, I don't know who she'll get with the next, but she was with your man. I was just gonna call him Ed Norton. What's his name again? You know Norton? James Norton.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  Who, when I, when I did that House of Guinness Netflix interview, I did refer to him as James Croydon several times. Not Croydon, sorry, Corden. What's his name?

• 22:28Speaker 03

  James Corden. James Norton.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  Whatever.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  Did you fancy him? Was he hot?

• 22:33Speaker 02

  I didn't meet him.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  A couple of times.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  I didn't meet him. He looks hot.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  I used to think, because remember I used to love a Jean, Georges? Loved a Georges.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  Oh, I was. It was like, well, I can't say kink is too, that makes it sound. Also, we're not kink, by the way, not kink shaming on the book.

• 22:49Speaker 03

  I found them on, I found them on fields.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Be gentle on yourself. Just be gentle on yourself.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  Rebounders, think about, right? Justin Bieber going out with, right? Selena Gomez moved on to Hailey Bieber, married her, rebound. Gigi Hadid.

• 23:06Speaker 02

  Well, I don't know if you can call them a rebound if they're now married with a child.

• 23:10Speaker 03

  Joanne, sorry. I can.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  Because that is what I've written down.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Fine. Perfect. Okay. Let's stick to the script.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  And you don't know the end of the story.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  This isn't the Q and A section of the podcast, I understand. I'm here to receive information.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  Gigi Hadid was going out with Zayn Malik and now she is going out with, what's that hot fellow's name who's had the face lips? What's his name? Why don't I know anyone's name? You know your man, the hot one?

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Who?

• 23:41Speaker 03

  Gigi Hadid, he's the actor.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Oh, Brody Cooper.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  He's saying he now looks like Barry Manilow, which I think is a bit harsh to be honest. I don't think it, I think it'll settle. It'll settle.

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Jennifer Lopez, right. She got rid of her husband, Chris George, remember the dancer fellow?

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Jesus, I forgot all about him, yeah.

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, and then got with Ben Affleck. But then she got rid of Ben Affleck, so he was the rebound there.

• 24:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, yeah, okay.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  So my rebounds are working as we go on. Okay, Taylor Swift, remember she was going out with that fellow, you wouldn't know him, Joe Allen, do you remember him?

• 24:19Speaker 02

  I do, I do know.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  Poor Joe. I do know him, he's a very famous actor.

• 24:28Speaker 02

  Well, he's an actor.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  I don't, I don't watch TBI read.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry, of course.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  She's gone out with him for six years.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Below you now, I for, I understand.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  Well, saying that, the new Kardashian.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  She's got a book under her belt, she's got a book under her belt, she doesn't even know what a TV is anymore.

• 24:46Speaker 03

  Author, author slash reader.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  So then she got with Matt Healy, remember him?

• 24:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, your man, fucking Denise Welch's son, yeah.

• 25:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, also in a band, quite a famous one, I believe.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  1975 is the band, but I mean, ultimately, he is Denise Welch's son, let's face it.

• 25:07Speaker 03

  That's how we know. And then the ultimate one for rebounding is Pete Davidson, he's literally like a pinball machine, he just goes out with absolutely everybody, but every single ride you can think of, like Kim Kardashian, Emily Ratajkowski, Phoebe de Venier, I can't pronounce her name, Kaia Gerber, Margaret Quailey, Kate Beckinsale, Ariana Grande, imagine that.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  I, I, I still, I still, yeah, everyone feels like Pete Davidson is like a phase in a woman's life, rather than it doesn't seem like a real relationship, although he is now engaged, I think, or having a baby.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  Having a baby, having a baby, yeah.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  He's after getting something across the line. But I will say, in all my 42 years of wisdom, rebound your tits off. Rebound, ping, ping, ping. Back and forth, back and forth, keep that light on. Keep it going, spin that vagina, go, go, go.

• 26:00Speaker 03

  Not before December 9th though.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  No, not before December 9th, I'm on a promise. The second you take that foot off the pussy pedestal, things slow down for you. And it's very hard to put your foot back on the pedal.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  I have to speak.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  December 9th, June 6th.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Buy your hat.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  I'm gonna put that in my diary now.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  December 9th. Yeah. Rick'll end up putting a job in or something and I'll be like, I can't make it anymore. Well, thank you for your listicle.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  Thank you. I actually loved doing that.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Sorry, by the way, everyone, Joe's not here. He's on holidays.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  What?

• 26:47Speaker 03

  Did you not know?

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Didn't even notice.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  One of my favourite stories from, since I've seen you last.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  The heist in the Louvre.

• 27:03Speaker 03

  Oh, I know. Yeah. Oh, God. Like, how, my initial, my initial reaction is.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Give us your thoughts.

• 27:11Speaker 03

  They kind of, like, they won it fair and square.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  If you're ever, if you're ever, we're all from the Louvre, like.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Louvre. From the Louvre, yeah.

• 27:21Speaker 03

  No, no, no. Do you want Louvre?

• 27:23Speaker 02

  Louvre. Yeah, that's what I said. Sorry, were you educated in France for three months? No, I wasn't. Okay.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  I'd ask Pat for my money back if I was.

• 27:30Speaker 02

  Louvre.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me.

• 27:36Speaker 03

  Spencer says, have a great French accent.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  That's because he's trying to ride you all the time. Say anything.

• 27:44Speaker 03

  Anyway, no, I don't mean that because like, in all honesty, I feel really sad when stuff like that gets stolen. Like, because it's just gone and they just break it down and just sell it off and then it's, it's forever hidden. And I also wonder, what happens to the art that gets robbed? Like, where is that going? Who's house is it in?

• 27:58Speaker 02

  Is it just some hermit fucking staring at Picasso on his own? Or is there some, like, who? So, okay, couple of things. One, there's, there's a whole industry of, well, there's obviously an industry in high-end jewellery heisters, right? But then there's also an industry in stolen art detectives who their whole job is to find stolen art. I was listening to a podcast about it. It's fucking fascinating. They were talking about all the stuff that gets stolen. And like, obviously, for anyone who, again, has been living under a rock, three lads basically walked into the Louvre, just kind of padded in of an afternoon and robbed the Crown Jewels in seven minutes. I don't even think they-

• 28:35Speaker 03

  They did drop one.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  They dropped one, they dropped one. I didn't even think they set off an alarm. They literally put up, they dressed as construction workers, your ex-job folk, strapped a ladder to a wall, climbed up it, walked in, no alarm, smashed a couple of boxes, gone on e-scooters. It's the most Gen Z exit I've ever seen. It was almost like, it was done so casually, it was almost like they just thought of it while they were passing. It was like, fuck, are we knocking into the Louvre?

• 29:05Speaker 03

  No, we'll go in there.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, we'll just knock in and see what we can get away with. But anyway, now you're like, what do they do with them? Do they melt them down? Can they sell them individually? Is there some new Lotto winner sitting in our kitchen wearing Napoleon's crown? Just drinking prosecco. Like, what do you do with that stuff?

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Somebody is obviously, someone must be buying it. And I just think that because someone's obviously buying the art, because obviously you can break down the jewellery.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:33Speaker 03

  But it's not worth as much if you break it down.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  Well, they were saying they can pull apart the jewels and sell them individually as jewels, you know?

• 29:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, I know, but I just don't think that would be kind of worth it, really.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  But I always thought like, do you know the way we have a kind of a very, what would I say? Unrealistic idea of heists from like Ocean's Eleven. It's like men in tuxes coming down on strings. And like trying to like not set off the lasers and the understanding was that places have security.

• 30:10Speaker 03

  Like all the lasers that you have to go through like a web.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'd say I would have found it harder to fucking rob Claire's accessories than these lads to take a shit out of the Louvre.

• 30:20Speaker 03

  Everyone was too busy looking at the Mona Lisa, that's the problem, they were distracted.

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, and the Mona Lisa's like, excuse me, why is no one taking me? Anyway, I'm dying to see what they do with them. I'm waiting to see them come up on Etsy, fucking, you know, those are like our vintage folk. Keep an eye on vintage for the crown jewels.

• 30:35Speaker 03

  Well, I'll tell you what, if they do-

• 30:36Speaker 02

  They didn't even have a gun!

• 30:38Speaker 03

  They might have to give them back.

• 30:40Speaker 02

  They didn't even-

• 30:41Speaker 03

  They, okay, the robbery took eight minutes, but there were only four minutes in the museum itself. Four minutes.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  It's sexy, it's hot. Without even a sandwich as a jelly snake to smack someone across the face with, they just walked in and took what they wanted. It's arousing.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  It's absolutely wild.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  Isn't it? I can't wait to see them on Facebook Marketplace.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  You might, I'd say they're more of a vintage. You're not gonna get them on Facebook. Gumtree, Gumtree.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Gumtree.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  Half a crown.

• 31:17Speaker 03

  I've bad news for you.

• 31:19Speaker 02

  Brilliant. I love a bit of drama.

• 31:21Speaker 03

  No, it's only a matter of time before it comes our way to this country.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  You couldn't afford the full crown for my Christmas present. Is that what it is?

• 31:30Speaker 03

  John, we have an understanding. I'm getting you what you're getting me, which is.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  Oh, wait till you see your birthday present.

• 31:36Speaker 03

  Well, that's different. Birthdays are different.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  It's being bespokely made. And thank God. The lads got into the Louvre on time.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  I was worried. I'm gonna get a multi-coloured, one of your anxious preoccupied bags. I'm good, it's bespoke.

• 31:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's bespoke.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  China are cracking down on influencers' culture with new guidelines, right? So you know the way we kind of talk about things that we don't have a clue about, whether it be medical, whether it be about something scientific, well.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  As is our right.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  Not for long, my friend.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  That's podcast world. You can talk about anything you want. Oh, no?

• 32:15Speaker 03

  In China, you now have to have a degree if you want to talk about something. So if you're talking about anything like that's got to do with law, finance, education, you actually have to have a degree in one of those things. So we can't just say, say whatever we want about medicine and then say allegedly. We can't do that anymore. Well, in China you can't. We can't here for now.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Oh my God. So I'm gonna have to train to be a sommelier from now on if I ever want to talk about my weekend.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Yep, yep. That's it. That's the way it's gonna be.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  I, China fascinates me and I think I'm going there soon.

• 32:44Speaker 03

  China will be nice. You'll enjoy it. It's a very long flight. I've been to, I've been, I've been there myself. No, I can't.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  The problem is that for, as it for stand up, because I wanted to do a stand up show there, but you have to send them your show beforehand and there's a lot of like rules around it. And obviously if you can't send them, that's not true.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have a lot of a show really, would I?

• 33:08Speaker 03

  I just wouldn't bother sending yours. You won't be allowed in the, not only will you not be allowed before, you won't be allowed in the country.

• 33:17Speaker 04

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• 33:53Speaker 03

  Amber made me film her going around Centre Parks on her bike in the dark with the Halloween song. I was like, Amber, I don't want to do this anymore.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  That's someone committed to making online content. Really, no. That's what you need. Thank God you have a podcaster here as well. I don't do anything.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  Here, come here to me. It's Halloween, happy Halloween, everybody. It's Halloween when this comes out.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 34:20Speaker 03

  What are you dressing up as? Come on, I know you've made an effort this year.

• 34:24Speaker 02

  David Harbour. I told you. I'm gonna have my David Mead bag or whatever that Mead, Reed.

• 34:30Speaker 03

  Dwayne Reed, I'd say.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  Dwayne Reed. Dwayne Reed bag with butt plugs, lube.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  Do you know what grosses me out about that the most? I just know, I know men don't wash things properly and I know that bag must read.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  You're very, you're very concerned with odor at the moment.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  People are gonna think you're pregnant. You're very concerned with odor. Talk about it a lot.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  Someone commented on that, I did a picture of a suit that I wore that Karina Goffey got me for the Kim Kardashian thing and someone goes, oh, look, the pregnancy boobs are out. We know you're pregnant or something like that. And I was like, that is the biggest compliment. But no, I am not pregnant there.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  I would know. I would know. I check her urine every morning.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Cause I'm dying to know when I got my holiday's back from the podcast.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Every morning, I'm in there crawling in, in goggles, in disguise, testing her urine in the toilet, every morning.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  If it ever happens again, I'm gonna spite you and I'm just, I'm literally gonna take a week off. Catherine Mire was on her podcast like two days later, I'm gonna spite you, just annoying you.

• 35:40Speaker 02

  What?

• 35:41Speaker 03

  I'm just gonna annoy you. I'm gonna say, you know, I don't need a break. I actually need my friends.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  You're gonna go full through. I'm busy pulling Spencer out of her. I'm like, if he looks like he's close, I'm like, I'm on the ground, I pop up from under the bed and I pull him out.

• 35:57Speaker 03

  I'm trying to talk about Halloween here. How did you go down this road?

• 36:00Speaker 02

  Sorry, no, sorry, pull him in. No, sorry, I mean, keep him in. That's what I mean.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  No, you want him out.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  No, because I want you pregnant for my holidays.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I'm busy trying to push him in.

• 36:10Speaker 03

  God, we're so used to the pull out trick. That's all we know.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  What's the keep in one?

• 36:18Speaker 02

  What the keep in one is?

• 36:25Speaker 03

  Anyway, I was gonna say, everyone, thank you so much for listening and happy Halloween. I am gonna be a vampire.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  Oh, lovely.

• 36:32Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  Are you gonna do, are you gonna go around with?

• 36:43Speaker 03

  Thank you, David. I appreciate it.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  I'm so delighted for you that you've come to that decision. And are you, do you know what I was thinking earlier? It's like, do women, you know the way you go like a sexy cat or whatever? Would mothers be going around, like delivering their kids for trick or treating dressed like sexy cats? No?

• 37:08Speaker 03

  I kinda never really got into the sex. Like, I was Voldemort at one year and then another year I was the exorcist girl. I kinda never really, I went down the sexy route once and I've seen a picture in real life that and in hindsight, it wasn't sexy at all. This year, I'm just going as a full-length dress vampire. I'm taking the kids around. We're going out in Ireland because the treats in Ireland are phenomenal. So they have their bags and I have to take an extra excess bag to put all the sweets in because we get so many sweets that their bags are filled up really quick. So it goes into my excess bag. And then we go, we only do an hour. I mean, you could.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Are they name dropping you at the door? Is that what's happening here?

• 37:45Speaker 03

  More, more.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  I don't even know my mother, Vogue Williams, but she's down the end there, dressed as a vampire, in a full-length gown. Oh, my mother would wish you were her daughter. She loves an A-line.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  It's a full A. I'll send her a picture, full A-line. I've got a wig and everything, a red and black wig. Ready to go.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  So it's a full shift. You're putting in a full shift for Halloween?

• 38:07Speaker 03

  I mean, my kids are so young. We go out at half-five, we're back at half-six. They've got to go to bed.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Oh, grand, yeah. Could you not just send them out themselves with a drown?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  I probably could, really. And it's a round house, it's safe enough.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  Ship them, but there's little air tags in them or whatever.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  They all have these watches now, where like they can ring and text off the watch. It's not an Apple watch, it's some kid's watch. And you can see wherever they are. But T is obsessed with being allowed to go places on his own now. And I'm just like, like in Centre Park, when we went, I was like allowing him to like, he's like, can I cycle ahead to the bike park? And I'd be like, okay, because it was like, I could see him. But like, he's so obsessed and he's only seven and he's just desperate to be let go somewhere on his own.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  He's fighting for his independence. That's why I think Halloween would be a great opportunity

• 38:52Speaker 02

  to let him out on his own.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  So you're just going to send him down to my mum's on his own, just fly him down. There you go, mum.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Keep him an eye. Strap the Google Doorbell to him. Keep an eye.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  T-Dawr! That's what everyone calls him over here.

• 39:07Speaker 03

  T-Dawr! T-Dawr!

• 39:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, because that's his actual name.

• 39:18Speaker 02

  That's it for this week. Thanks for listening to our Halloween special.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  We'll see you next week.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  So scary.

• 39:25Speaker 02

  It was freaky. It was spooky as fuck, let's face it.

• 39:28Speaker 03

  I spent 45 minutes reading scary ghost stories on Reddit today and on Esquire. I have them all up here, ready to go. And we got through none of them. Do you know why? Because you're obsessed with David Harbour and Lily Allen, that's why.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  Well, I'm sorry, but what's scary? He's in Stranger Things. That's a spooky show.

• 39:48Speaker 03

  I'll never get that 45 minutes back. And they weren't even that scary most of them that I read. I wasn't scared at all.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  And I'm, I would say, what would I say? I am

• 39:58Speaker 02

  problematic. I am, I am problematically obsessed with adultery. And I'm sorry, Vogue, you know that about me.

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Okay, God, Thomas.

• 40:09Speaker 03

  Hi, everyone.

• 40:14Speaker 01

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