What happens when Joanne is left in charge of 2 children?

Joanne is not a Mother, or at least, not yet... That all changed for a few hours this week when a friend left her in charge of 2 children AND a roast dinner to cook. Recollections on the events may vary. Back in baking London, Vogue gets ever closer to meeting baby number 4 and she has a big moral question to ask. Plus, the Jared Leto documentary and the Amanda Knox show in Edinburgh. My Therapist Ghosted Me is a Global Production. Tickets for Joanne's tour Pinotphile are now LIVE: www.joannemcnally.com http://www.joannemcnally.com/ If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com http://www.mytherapistghostedme.com/ This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Chris Rock is on Raya.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Shut up.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  She's gotta tell her kids that she-

• 0:09Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  -was put in prison for murder.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  There's a 40,000 person petition to get her show cancelled. When women swap information, it's called gossip. When men swap information, it's called intelligence. And they, and they wear a suit and suddenly they're James Bond.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Aren't we lucky to be tired by the dreams that we have fulfilled?

• 0:35Speaker 00

  Oh, that is nice. Thank you for penning that.

• 0:38Speaker 01

  That's what I tell myself when I look at my Las Vegas sales.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Aren't we lucky?

• 0:43Speaker 00

  How's this, how's the Salt Lake City ones going?

• 0:46Speaker 01

  Oh, she's, she's trickling.

• 0:48Speaker 02

  Plug, plug, plug.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  Wow, there you go. She's trickling.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Do you know what? And I'm in North America, Toronto, Vancouver, New York, Boston, Chicago. I just don't want to be constantly listing towns, Phoenix, Denver, Houston, Dallas, Texas. So I don't, because I just want to keep things clean. Vancouver, Toronto, Chicago, Boston, Salt Lake City, New York. I just want to keep things- Philadelphia- Light.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  Philadelphia light.

• 1:16Speaker 00

  You can get Philadelphia light. Or chive, the chive one is nice as well.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Thank you for carrying me out of that promo segue. Very nicely done. Back to cheeses.

• 1:27Speaker 00

  You spend so, Boursan, actually, is another spreadable cheese. You spend so long-

• 1:35Speaker 01

  Thank you. Sorry, are you training for something?

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Are you going back onto Celebrity Mastermind? Is it cheeses?

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  I know nothing. I was the one who tried to catch a mouse with Baby Bell. I've, I'm topped out of the cheese world now. I've very much shown my true colours, which is peasant.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  I don't care. Everyone loves a cheddar. Everyone loves a strong cheddar. That's like, there's nothing wrong with being a cheddar fan. And I don't want a stinking bishop. That's a cheese, a stinking bishop. I don't want that.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  I, like, I'm sorry now, this might blow your mind, but if I was putting a cheese board together, if I invited you both to my home and we were having a cheese board as dessert, it would be full of Vicains and Derry Lee Dunkables.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  We'd definitely get Vianetta for, for our desserts as well.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  You wouldn't even get Vianetta. Because I'd have to freeze her door open. No.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  No, not even a romantica.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  What would you cook? What would our, what would our start? Okay, you have to cook us dinner, like, on Come Down at Me. Tomorrow, what are you cooking us for starters as the main?

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Well, I, when I did, I did the off-menu podcast and I was rightly vilified because I said I wanted to bring a waffle belt full of beans as my main. But now I've advanced, I've kind of grown up since then because that was, you know, I'm a different person than I was last summer to this summer.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  I would honestly, what I could genuinely muster up as starter, it would be some sort of vol Evan, because I think I'm, I'm in my nostalgic era.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Okay, but listen, you have to make the whole vol Evan. You're not just-

• 3:11Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  I know what ones you're buying. You're not buying them. No.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Sorry, Vogue. You can't change the rules. You've been invited to a party.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  This is the rules.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  You think I'm gonna make my own vol evans and then serve Derry Lee Dunkables as dessert? No, no, no. The theme is laziness. The theme is less, less, less.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Efficiency. Call it efficiency.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Efficiency. Domestic, not, on the, what, they, there's domestic goddess and then there's domestic degenerate. Whereas where, that's where I sit. So it's gonna be meals for the degenerates. Do you know what, actually, I'm gonna invite you over. I'm gonna have a trough full of chicken. Help yourself with your hands. That's what you're getting now for questioning with vol evans.

• 3:50Speaker 02

  I'd be very happy.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  You'd be, of course you would be, Jo.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  I, I remember I had James, James and Brian, our friends over for, our bougie friends, I had them over for, for a dinner party before when I was with an ex of mine. And still to this day, like, it's maybe 12, 13 years ago, still to this day, he'll throw in the odd, like, he'll call me Lloyd Grossman because I basically made-

• 4:17Speaker 00

  I made-

• 4:18Speaker 02

  That's great.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  Pesto pasta, right, with, with Grand French and not even homemade pesto. Lloyd Grossman pesto. But then me and my partner at the time-

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Partner at the time.

• 4:29Speaker 00

  Had a big fight, so I refused to make chicken to go in with this.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  My past, partner at the time.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Chicken. And they were like, oh, great, we're just having a Lloyd Grossman. I was like, and you'll enjoy it.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  That is classic Vogue. You're arguing with someone and all your dinner guests have to suffer out of stubbornness. It's just a carb-heavy event.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Sorry, you're just, you're, you're giving me a Derry Lee Dunker and a vol evant that she'd bought in the butchers. Where are you?

• 5:00Speaker 01

  I'm in Kelly's Hotel.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  You're where? Oh my god, she's telling me shots. What's with you and shots?

• 5:06Speaker 01

  I'm in Kelly's Hotel in Wexford, where I come to do my podcast when I visit my friend Audrey, who lives in Rossdale Strand. And they're so kind to me and they're like, is there anything we can get you? And I just said, yeah, actually, a shot of tequila.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  I said, I can't, and they went, oh. And I went, yeah, I always have, I can't do the pod without a shot of tequila.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  You've just asked-

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Pinocchio. And then they've got me one.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  I used to go to Kelly's Hotel. They have a really fun swimming pool. I went to Ross Lare on my holidays. Oh, rotten. I'd hate to, well, I would like to have that now. Oh.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  Slow shit.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Do you know what's gas? I come down to visit my friend Audrey-

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Oh my god, she didn't even make a face. There was no face. Professional.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  I'm on my holidays. I'm in Ross Lare. I got, so, do you know that tequila is the only alcoholic upper? Everything else is depressing, Jo. Write that down.

• 5:53Speaker 00

  No, vodka's an upper. Tequila, vodka. Gin is the downer.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Vodka's a depressant. And because there's so many young people in Ross Lare Strand, because they're all down here with their parents or they're caravanning or they're Airbnb-ing, it's a really young vibe in the town. And I'm kind of getting in on it. There was like three lads on the street last night when we were going home and they had their little speaker and they were pouring like vodka into their Coke bottles, like getting their Dolly mixtures going. And someone, someone shouted out the window from Kelly, shut the fuck up! And it was gorgeous. And I thought, I love summer. But I come down every now and again to visit Audrey because she's got three kids, so she can't really travel that much. And she knew I was staying because I had to stay down here for the, I came down yesterday, we went for dinner, it was lovely.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Then this morning, I, I stayed down so I could get the podcast done, you know, because otherwise I would be in transit.

• 6:46Speaker 00

  I beat the Dublin, no, I beat the Manchester, Dublin, Ross Lare.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Well, Manchester was a typo, but yes, it was a logistical error, but yeah. And, but I came down, anyway, she obviously, she was like, what time are we leaving tomorrow? And I was like, oh, around six in the evening, I'd say, I'll get the train back to Dublin. And she's like, oh, great. I wake up, the day has been planned for me. I'm minding the kids, I'm cooking dinner, I'm doing school runs. So I, I made a roast dinner today and minded her two kids. I ran a whole house for the day. I was like, this is supposed to be my holiday, Audrey.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Was it a roast dinner in a tin? You know, those ones that you can get in my-

• 7:23Speaker 01

  No, she, she put it all out and she left a list of instructions. So when the timer goes, put it in, set it to 45.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Oh, I wish you filmed that.

• 7:33Speaker 01

  And I was like, excuse me. I'm a domestic degenerate.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  I'd like to hear from Audrey. I'm sorry, I'm not buying this bullshit. Joanne McNally down cooking a roast. You think she's parboiling potatoes and then shaking them up with some flour?

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Sorry, okay, let me explain. She, she prepared everything and I had to put it in the oven.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  Did you put a chicken into the oven? Was that it?

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, Jo, yes.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  And I, and I, and sorry, sorry. And I took it out when the timer went off. I'm exhausted. A woman's work is never done.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  I wouldn't trust Joanne with that. Isn't that terrible? I honestly wouldn't trust her. I'd be like, she's, she's gonna fuck up the chicken. Even if it's one of the ones in the bags, I'd be like, no, she can't do that.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  And while, while the chicken was cooking itself, I had to look after two children.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Well, it's nice to hear that you can do it because when you get back from America-

• 8:24Speaker 01

  I had no choice. She just left.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  I might be overwhelmed. I'll need your help.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Well, lock it in now then and tell me I'm going on a holiday because that's what I thought was happening in Ross Lare. And she just trapped me. Like, it was coercive control, basically. I was like, I'm running a home here. I'm supposed to be down playing miniature golf in Kelly's.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  Just to, just to kick Joanne, while she's down a second, just a little fact check about tequila. It's a popular myth that it's an upper. Like, all alcohol, it contains ethanol, which is a depressant or a downer.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  Well, now, I have to be honest. I do, I do agree with her on tequila. I have to say.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  That sounds good.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  I'm never sad when I drink tequila. I'm only happy when I drink tequila.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  It's the healthiest drink.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  There's a song about it, isn't there? Tequila, it makes me happy. Is there a song about it?

• 9:10Speaker 01

  And that sounds sensible.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  The, in an early drinking session, low doses of alcohol can release dopamine. It's true.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Look, we all know where this conversation's going.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Drink responsibly.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Drink responsibly and everyone have two drinks because it makes you sounder.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  I'm not going on tour in America. I'm going in.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  So don't worry about, no, sorry. If I don't sell enough tickets, I'll use that two months, yeah, as a sabbatical and I'll stay in Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, whatever the dates are.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  And practise drinking there. They have three litre bottles of vodka over there, do you know that? They're called handles. They're so big, they have a handle on the side of them. Three litres.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  I mean, no one does it like the Americans. Do you remember me trying to bring that giant buzz ball home until someone told me they saw them in Sainsbury's? Remember in LA, I was trying to bring that giant buzz ball home? Like I, like I found a piece of the Empire State Building. And I was trying to figure out, would I pay for it home? Would I leave something behind to get it home? And then this woman messaged me, she goes, you know, they're in Sainsbury's. It was humbling.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Oh my god, you're going to America. Guess what? Chris Rock is on Raya.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Shut up.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's on Raya. Chris Rock is on Raya. He's, his location is set in New York. You're going to New York. You're both comedians.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Well, the thing about the grey is-

• 10:28Speaker 00

  You're both around the same age.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Oh, there we go. Look at that. Well, well, well, Vogue, it's nice to meet your true colours.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  I don't know why I'm laughing. I look like an old battered pig. I've had no Botox. I have an Aunt Katrina. I'm like, when will you be in London?

• 10:46Speaker 01

  You wait till I get my Korean vagoplasty and you see who's laughing then.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  A vagoplasty, god.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  When I make myself so tight no man can enter me and then I'll have an excuse for not riding anyone. It'll be Jo's face.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Sorry Jo, you're on a feminist podcast, okay? This is how we talk.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I was, Jamie Thigston came in this morning, that's Jo how I know. First of all, apologies everyone for the pod being up late, that was Jo's fault. And he tried to gaslight me by saying it had gone up and even sent me the link when Jamie Thigston came in, very visibly upset that our podcast hadn't gone up. He said, "I haven't listened to it." And I was like, "Great, now Jamie doesn't know what a Boris is and we can't do our show."

• 11:32Speaker 02

  In fairness to me, I believed what I said to be true at the time.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  That sounds a bit gaslighting as well, that phrase, that sentence.

• 11:46Speaker 03

  Rasputin was known for having a massive [BLEEP]. Can you believe Neil Armstrong actually said, "It's one small [BLEEP]?" Come on, Gav, Boudicca ordered all her men to [BLEEP] their [BLEEP]. Honestly, history is wild and we love it. Join me, Johnny Vaughan, alongside my historical sidekick, Gavin the Woodman Woods, for Blummin' Legends, the history lesson you wish you had. Each week, we dig into the mad, messy and downright hilarious stories behind history's biggest names. Eccentric kings and queens, dazzling con men, dastardly weirdos, iconic warriors. And people who probably should have had a better PR team. Listen and watch on YouTube, Global Player or wherever you get your podcasts. History has never been this outrageous.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  I have to do something and I know it sounds mental, but since I've been pregnant, I've gotten really weirdly anxious and she's downstairs, she's not feeling well and I think, I feel like I have to make sure she's there.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  No, no, no, that's okay. Listen, as someone who's been running a home all day.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Oh, you know, you know the stresses and strains, you know the things you worry about.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Jo, I mothered for four and a half hours today, in an afternoon.

• 13:06Speaker 02

  A hot afternoon.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  A hot afternoon on Ross's strand. Yeah, and as someone who's very used to doing their own thing, I cannot explain the level of sacrifice. I cannot explain how, I mean, Audrey doesn't listen to the pod, so it's fine. I can't explain how appalled I was that I was being asked to do anything when I was supposed to be sunbathing, topless on her balcony, vaping and drinking margaritas. And suddenly I'm looking after ovens and chickens and shit.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  I'm actually, I'm gonna find Audrey on Instagram, I'm gonna mail her myself and I'm gonna see what you actually did and then we'll, we'll fact check Joanne on the next one.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  She does aesthetics.

• 13:48Speaker 00

  I don't even know if you're in Kelly's, I don't even know if you're in Kelly's.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  She does aesthetics, so on the way out, I was like, she was like, "Oh, do you need that before you go?" I said, "Yeah, Profilo, please, now."

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Well, she just do Profilo for you, that's why you went in. No wonder you went in. I can't get you over to my gav.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  I said, "The least you can do is some Profilo." I've been standing in front of an oven all day. I don't know what effect that's gonna have on my skin.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  So she did, she gave me a bit of Profilo on the way out, but she wasn't happy about it. It was a hostile, it was a hostile tweakment session.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  There was no numbing cream involved.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Oh, no, there really wasn't.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  No, there wasn't, because I had to come down here for this, there was no numbing cream. I was just like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha." She goes, "You all right?" She said, "Yes, put it in."

• 14:37Speaker 00

  So come here to me, you're going, Joanne, I can't keep up with all these holidays you're on. Where are you going to tomorrow?

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Vogue loves this, Vogue loves this because Vogue loves it when we tease her about living her bougie, julepa life and then when I come close to mimicking anything like it, of course, she wants to.

• 14:57Speaker 00

  Oh, you have succeeded me, are you crazy?

• 15:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, like an Ikea wardrobe. And I can't say I blame her. I am, now, now bearing in mind, like I said, I have an American tour and I'm filming September, we film series two of Unacceptable and then I go straight to the States and then I come back and then I'm straight into the arenas. It's, it's, I, come September, it's a, I'm back, I'm back at work.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Solidly, solidly. So yes, I am going to Marbella in the morning. And I will say, in my defence, in my defence.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  You don't need to defend yourself, I'm all for people taking advantage of a holiday.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  There's, my house is full of mice, I, I don't wish to go home. I, my two friends from school are in Malaga, Marbella and they said, "Would you join?" And I looked at my calendar and I said, "Do you know what? I fucking will."

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Wait, do they have kids staying there?

• 15:51Speaker 01

  I'm joining two families and if they even consider asking me to toss a pasta salad,

• 16:01Speaker 01

  I will fly straight home.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  Do you know how much time Joanne's gonna spend with these friends of hers? None. She'll be like, "Oh no, sorry, I'm actually working in the hotel all day today."

• 16:16Speaker 01

  I was like, "Go and see the girls." And then my friend was like, "Oh, do you want my husband to pick her from the airport?" I was like, "Who?" She said, "Yeah, our husbands are here." "Who?"

• 16:25Speaker 01

  "Oh."

• 16:25Speaker 00

  That's nice that they offered that, I would not have got to anyone.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  It's so nice, it's so nice. And I took him up on the offer, actually.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck off, you didn't, that's not an offer you're allowed to accept.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  Sorry, in my defence, I said no, the first time, because he's been really saying about picking me up and obviously I'm joking, I knew he was there and I'm looking forward to hanging out with the husbands too.

• 16:42Speaker 00

  He probably wants to get out of the house, probably wants to get away from the family.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Probably. And also, I was like, "No, God, no, he's on his holidays, I'll get the taxi." And she goes, "No, he's genuinely saying he's happy to pick you up." And I said, "Do you know what? Let's fuck it up." No one ever collects me from the airport.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  No.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Every, I still walk into arrivals with some deluded sense that someone will be there to see if I survived.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Do you know who would pick you up now? And I always get the offer, it's the only person I get the nod from, Neil Wilson. Sometimes my auntie Naomi, but I'm not talking to her currently because she keeps trying to sell another brand of fake tan to anyone who will listen, including myself. "Vogue, have you tried, have you tried the L'Oréal spray for your legs?" I'm like, "No, Naomi, I own a tan brand." Well, they're discontinuing it and then I hear her and my mum said she was down the golf club telling people about this L'Oréal spray for your legs and my mum said, "Naomi."

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Which aunt is this?

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Naomi, my godmother.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Did I give her a free bag?

• 17:45Speaker 00

  No, and you won't.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  If I see that bitch with the long tramp in town, I will kick off. She obviously has no loyalty.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  I once gave her, I gave her an aspirin bag once for Christmas and I was like, "This is the gift for Naomi." And do you know where it went? It went to the raffle.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Charity shop.

• 18:04Speaker 00

  In the golf club.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  No, the raffle, the raffle.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  Vogue, I will say, one of my, one of, one of my friends in Malaga, Mallorca, I don't...

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Malaga, Marbella, you're going to Marbella?

• 18:19Speaker 01

  That's what I said.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  She actually asked me, "Would I courier over a bottle of beer by Vogue?" Because she forgot in her hecticness to get her kids and family out the door. And she said, "She's Scarlet Bonya and would I bring her over some beer by Vogue?" And I said, "Sure."

• 18:41Speaker 00

  I thought you were gonna say, "Yeah, I'll bring you a Bondi Sands."

• 18:45Speaker 02

  Scarlet Bonya for the non-Irish speakers.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  Embarrassing milk.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  There you go, it's a direct translation.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  Well, that's nice to hear. I'm happy about that.

• 18:56Speaker 01

  When I come back from my essential travel to Spain to visit my school friends.

• 19:05Speaker 00

  I'm jealous, I'm really jealous.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  It's a quick in and out.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  I should not be here.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  I have no dependents. I am then going to the Edinburgh Fringe. Now, that is very much a work trip.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck off, that's a work, in, get lost.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  Excuse me, excuse me.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  She's having her holiday, I can't believe it, she's screwed.

• 19:23Speaker 02

  What do they even do?

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Do you know what I do, Jo? I support the arts, okay? What do you do?

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Very good, that's fine.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  Who are you going to Edinburgh Fringe with and with who?

• 19:39Speaker 01

  My fellow artistes. My fellow performers. And as someone who has done the Fringe for several years and has really like earned my stripes there, I love to go back as a punter and just enjoy the shows and take it all in and it is very much a work trip.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  It's research.

• 19:59Speaker 00

  Joe, I hope we've no pods booked in that week because I'm not interested in the argument. I'm not having the fights. Just cancel the pods for the Edinburgh Fringe. Let's not bother.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Wall to wall culture.

• 20:14Speaker 00

  She is gonna have Zoom meetings, it's non, it's go, go, go.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  Up there with Joanne.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  I've booked in a lot of shows. There's a show, Gary Starr is his name, and apparently his whole show is about, he performs kind of comedy synopsis of, comedy synopses of Penguin classics, but he's bollock naked for the whole thing. Research.

• 20:34Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  Gonna see Grace, gonna see Garret Farrelly. I'm gonna see Hannah of Ghost Hunter Pod.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  Emma Doran's up there, Mike Rice is up there, Shane Daniel Byrne's up there. Loads of Irish comics, sorry if I'm forgetting somebody. Alison Spitz is doing a work in progress up there. There's a big Irish contingent. But also, someone who you know I'm a big fan of is.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Amanda Knox. Are you going to see us?

• 21:00Speaker 01

  Knox. So, I don't know if I'm gonna get in, she's only there to the 17th and her show is completely sold out. But I don't know if you've seen, so Amanda Knox, for anyone who doesn't know, she was imprisoned for a crime she didn't commit, which was the murder of Meredith Kircher, who they found out, this was like this huge story back in the day, there's been Netflix documentaries about it and everything. And I am very much of the belief, and I believe myself to be believable and believed, that she is completely innocent. And it was like a wild miscarriage of justice, right?

• 21:28Speaker 00

  She was acquitted of the murder, not once, twice. She was acquitted twice.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Reputation destroyed, globally infamous, accused of a crime she didn't commit. Wild, of course, because she's kind of a young, attractive, American woman, so it made all the headlines in all, all over the world. And she was acquitted, as you say, twice.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  She's written books, I've, I've read the books, I've listened to podcasts, I've watched documentaries. She, in my opinion, is as innocent as the Drivins now. Anyway, she has now decided to bring a show to the Fringe called Cartwheel, which is the thing that she was accused, remember at the time, the police thought she was guilty because she was cartwheeling.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, straight after the murder.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is a bit like, maybe a little insensitive as such.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  What I have heard is that she is not inappropriate about the whole situation, she's not taking the piss out of it, she's not glorifying it. And she is being quite nice about the fact that somebody has died. And to, she's not like taking the piss out of the girl who was murdered's memory. But I've heard that it's also not a comedy show and people don't really understand what it is. But saying that, it's sold out and people seem to be enjoying it.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  The Edinburgh Fringe is notorious for this trope, they call it the dead parent show, right, where people go up and talk about their dead parents. So like any bit of trauma that's happened to you, you kind of trauma dump on Edinburgh. And she went to prison for a murder she didn't commit. Like, I think she's entitled to talk about that if she wants to. If I was falsely accused of stealing a L'Abello from Boots, I'd probably hit the West End. Folks, how you didn't make a worldwide theatre show in the, in the guise of the Book of Mormon after your man shot in your doorstep, I do not know. Like, it is your story to tell. It's Amanda Knox. She's not gonna go and get a job in a bank. Like, no one's gonna buy life insurance off Amanda Knox. Like, she can't live a normal life.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  She is completely entitled to go to the Fringe with this show. Is it hilariously funny? I've, I've heard it's like, kind of, it's, it's a theatre show. It's a theatre show. Come on.

• 23:32Speaker 00

  I've heard at the Times said it was painfully unfunny, but then maybe it's not, is it meant to be funny? She is talking about her convictions, she talks about her imprisonment, she talks about motherhood, she's got two kids.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  How do you tell, like, Theodore asked me the other day if I have ever had a boyfriend before, and I was like, oh, so they're gonna find out everything. And I was like, a bit like, nervous about that. She's gotta tell her kids that she was put in prison for murder.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  I mean, is she gonna be, you know, she's, she's dabbling in comedy. A lot of people have used comedy to, you know, go through trauma. She's been interviewed left, right and centre. There's a 40,000 person petition to get her show cancelled. Now, that's like.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  How is there?

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Ah, yeah, because people don't know what the fuck they're talking about. And they, and they just click a link. Now, I know Meredith's family have come out and said, we don't want this either. And I completely understand that. They are entitled to say, we don't want a comedy show written about anything to do with Meredith's death. And Amanda's also entitled to say, I want to talk about the trauma, both things can be true. In fairness, in Amanda's favour, the general consensus is, it's not like hysterically funny, which is probably a good thing. But like, my first Edinburgh show was called Bite Me, which is about bulimia, that I thought was like this. I couldn't understand why I wasn't nominated for Best Comedy Newcomer. Because it wasn't. It was dark as fuck.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Do you remember I took, I took Spence that and I was like, oh, we're going to Joanne's. We're going to Joanne's comedy show, it's gonna be brilliant. Wait till you see Joanne's comedy shows, when he was like, what was?

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  It was like, he was like, that was pretty dark. I was like, yeah, well, it was more like, not comedy, like it was a great show. And not everything has to be.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Exactly. I think what she's done is, it's, I think, I think using the term comedy is probably, probably not the, the greatest idea. I think it's a, it's a one woman show about her experience. I think, so the BBC called her profoundly sincere. Um, yeah, I think people just kind of rush to assumptions about stuff. Like I say, Amanda Knox has a show in Edinburgh, talking about being arrested for a crime she didn't commit. While Conor McGregor is sitting as a guest on Jimmy Fallon. Do you know what I mean? I think it's, I think there's misogyny going on here as well. That's what I'm gonna say. And I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try a wangamowie into Amanda's show, because I think I will be there. I think we will cross over.

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• 26:59Speaker 00

  Do you know what else I find weird, speaking about the Conor McGregor thing, and you are right in a way, because I was telling you about the Jared Leto documentary that I was watching, and it's on BBC, it's really, really good. Um, but it's dark and it's basically, it's basically going through, there's allegations from 10 women. And they're saying that he groomed them and assaulted them when they were teenagers. So there's loads of people, and like, people from his tour are coming on and talking about the dark side of it and how he was like inviting young girls backstage. And like, he'd have young girls come over to the studio and he was recording. And I think particularly once he had his band, um, what is it, 10 Seconds to Mars, is that what it's called, Joe? 30 Seconds, 30 Seconds to Mars.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  He would be making phone calls to these girls and they were all, like, he knew what age they all were. And these allegations came out ages ago and nothing was done about it. And now the BBC documentary has come out. And again, nothing's really happening about it. I know, but I just don't, I don't really, like, he has a whole weird thing as well about, you know, with his band, he does like, it's like a cult. Like, he has a cult following of people and then he has these day events where he brings all these people that love his band to an island. And they all dress up in all this white, all these white clothes.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  It was in Croatia, I think, before, and he was wearing, like, he looked like Jesus going around with this, like, long white robe and his long hair and then like, all of the fans are kind of dressed as, yeah. Just dressed the same as him. And he's calling it the, like, he wants to be treated like a spiritual figure and called it the Church to Mars. But nothing, nothing ever happens. Like, it's just, this is just something that's been and gone. Like, you haven't even watched it. How has it not had more uproar?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Because I'm, I, I think I have, I think I have, not predator, but yeah, I think I have sexual predator fatigue at this point. And do you know what else? I would, I will, I will, I'll float the idea. I wonder if Jared Leto brought his Mars band to Edinburgh, would it get anything like the same backlash as Amanda Knox's?

• 29:07Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Show.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  I doubt it.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  He's not getting any backlash. I think that they're actually going on tour next year. And that's why I just cannot understand how, if anyone watches that documentary. Yes, he's still just, like, is going around doing his thing, getting movie roles, all that kind of stuff.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  I think it's condoned over there in like the Hollywood Hills. Do you know what I mean? I don't think it's treated in the same, I think it's just accepted bad behaviour as such.

• 29:34Speaker 00

  From men, mainly.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Like, it's just, it's just men condoning male behaviour. Do you know? Anyway, like I say, I, I, I do think there's an element of misogyny in the, in the Amanda Knox backlash.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Do you know I once went paedophile hunting? Did I ever tell you that?

• 29:50Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  I went for a TV show. I went, uh, we went and found a man who had been grooming a 14 year old online. I met them at an airport hotel in Dublin and we travelled down the country and like met your man and I was sitting in the car as they did the sting on the guy.

• 30:10Speaker 01

  No way.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. And they just stung him. But, but he hadn't, they basically just stung him and what they did was they put him online. So they would show his face online. So then everybody would know that he had done that because the police legally wouldn't come and arrest him because he'd only been talking to somebody online. I don't know what the rules are, the laws around it are now. They've probably changed since then. But yeah, back then it was just like, it was literally just to out them.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  The vigilantes.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  Vigilante is the source.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  I love the way.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  Vigilante.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  I was doing vigilante. Huge hobby of mine. Huge passion.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  Pilates, vigilante.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  A vigilante.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Ceramics, yeah.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  What'd you do? A vigilante?

• 30:52Speaker 01

  At the weekend, with a purple dragon, with a vigilante. Um, yeah.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Um, I love the way you could say something like, mental. And they're like, it's mad, isn't it?

• 31:06Speaker 00

  It's mad. Mad stuff.

• 31:08Speaker 01

  Tell you about that time. I'm trying to think of an example.

• 31:12Speaker 00

  Because I get bored of conversations so quickly. I'm like, mad, that's it, it's over. I'm done, you know, we're done.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, moving on. Shall we tell you about the time I was a vigilante and I caught a paedophile? Oh, is it? Anyway.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Anyway, enough of that. How was your Saturday?

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, what else is going on?

• 31:31Speaker 00

  I have a funny story about this woman that I read. It popped up on Instagram. So there's a woman in Colombia, her name's Miriam, and she bought herself two houses. Guess how she bought the houses? She was basically capitalising on her neighbourhood's secrets. So she was charging residents between one to two pounds for information about other people in the villages. She was also charging people 165 quid to buy her silence, which meant she wouldn't go and tell all the villagers all the stuff that they want to know about her. But she managed to save up enough money that she was able to purchase two homes by just basically bitching about people and gossiping about them.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  So jealous. I'm so jealous that A, she has access to that much gossip that she can buy two homes. Like, where is this town? I want to go now.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Colombia. Imagine what's going on there. What kind of gossip is she selling?

• 32:26Speaker 01

  Also, if I had known you could make a living out of selling gossip, I wouldn't be here trying to shift Denver. Do you know what I mean?

• 32:34Speaker 01

  I wouldn't be here trying to flog Salt Lake City. I'd just be sitting on my laurels, talking shit about people and letting the bank roll in.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  There's nothing better than a great slice of gossip when you get it off somebody that you're like, oh my god.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  It's tantalising. It's life affirming. And I'm not saying, but do you know as well, do you know what's gas? When women swap information, it's called gossip. When men swap information, it's called intelligence. And they, and they wear a suit and suddenly they're James Bond. But we're just like the housewives of Clapham. Do you know what I mean? It's disrespectful to the, to the importance and the, and the, and, and, sorry. It's disrespectful to the substance and the importance of gossip. It is literally swapping information. And who doesn't need information? Dead people. If you want to stay alive, you need intel.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  Gossip keeps you going. It does. It like spices up your life. If you're finding that you're a bit boring and you just, I could, it's about anyone I could hear gossip though. Even, I don't have to know them. I just have to see a picture of them to be like, oh my god.

• 33:47Speaker 01

  I've gasped at stories about people I do not even know.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  I'm like, oh.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  It's the joy of it. And that this woman out there making cash off it. When did she decide to sell it? What a clever woman.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  That's a CEO that I need in my life. I need to be mentored by her. Also, back in the day, like if there was the gossip swapping, because women have a larger, so I'm, I, I, look, I read a book once, and this was the only thing I remembered about the book, that the communication side of the female brain is three times the size of the men.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  I would believe that.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. So you know the way you tell your fellow something and he's like, you're like, oh, don't tell anyone. And he's literally just forgotten what you've already told him because it's.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  He's no interest.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  You don't get in their head and then it just like slips out the back of their neck and they couldn't give a flying fndang go.

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:37Speaker 01

  So back in the day, the way humans were kept alive when men were off hunting or whatever, we were swapping intel saying, by the way, that lad down the road has syphilis. Don't ride him.

• 34:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is absolutely true.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  You're welcome, Joe.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  But you know what? Spenny, when Spenny has to come away with me and my aunts and my sister and everything like that, like, and he does it every year. He just goes away with loads of women. After about a week, he, he does break and he's just like, he's just like, I can't, like, he'll have to, he has to go off on his own because he just can't listen to the constant, because the gossip will just, it could be the same thing we were talking about yesterday, but we're now discussing it again. He just can't understand how we can get so much out of one piece of information. And he just has to leave.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  I've seen him around, uh, and again, an intel session. Let's not call it gossip.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, an intel session. That's much better way of putting it.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  I've seen Spencer around an intel session and he thinks, he's like, oh god, this is below us. And several times I've said to Sp, I've said to Spencer, by no means is this below us. This is exactly where we are. Or you, actually. Yeah.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. He should be enjoying this. Um, big news. Sorry. Tonight, there's an eclipse. An eclipse, eclipse.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  By the time they hear this, it will have been, you know, two days ago.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Eclipse.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  By the time, I'll be reminded about it when I listen back to the edit and I'll say, fuck, I forgot it again. Like the green lights, I've missed the green lights again.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Do you know the thing? I'm like, sorry if I didn't sound super excited about the eclipse because I am aware it's happening and the moon's going to shadow over the sky and.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Don't look at it with your eyes.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  Why?

• 36:13Speaker 02

  They did, it's too late.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Why?

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Because it's the sun.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Too late.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  But so, so, okay, sorry. So you're not supposed to look at the sun in general. That's kind of, but surely this is the time to look at the sun because it's covered.

• 36:26Speaker 02

  With protection, which you can't get because it all sold out.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  They're all sold out. Everyone's bought their, their little glasses. But it's only in the UK. So we're not going to see, we're seeing it now and we won't see it again for another like 90 years in the UK. But this happens all over the place.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  Folks, this is what I mean. Like every time they're like, oh, it's a, it's a, it's a solar eclipse. Like this is a once in a lifetime thing. I'm sorry now. These things are more regular than woman's way at this stage. They're literally out every month.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  The next meaningful one in this part of the world, like the UK, I don't know how far that stretches, but the next meaningful one will be 2081. I will be 90.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  But there's also one next year. There's one, I was speaking to an astronomer on Horus.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Mad, isn't it?

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, Martin.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Mad, isn't it? I went to space yesterday for a heart radio. Mad, isn't it?

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Mad, isn't it?

• 37:18Speaker 00

  Do you know what they bought me? They bought me, they keep, I keep thinking it's going to be someone really good coming in to see me. And they brought in a cardboard cutout of myself the other day. And they were like, do you want to take it home? I was like, what am I going to do with that? I give it to you.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  They're really running out of options. How would you feel if I, if you turned around and they'd sold it in like you were about to meet Tina Fey and, and it was me? Could you contain your tears?

• 37:44Speaker 00

  I'd be happy to see you. I'd be surprised though because it would be early in the morning. So I would be, I would be surprised.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  It'd be a pre-record.

• 37:51Speaker 02

  And you're always on holiday.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  It'd be a pre-record.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, we wouldn't be able to get you. You'd be flying away somewhere.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  If you're asked to come in and record a pre-record at 11pm, just know that I'm about to surprise you from behind a chair.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  On my way to the airport.

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• 39:10Speaker 00

  I have a genuine question that I want to ask you.

• 39:14Speaker 01

  So. Is it, sorry, is this, is this a one question quiz? Our favourites?

• 39:19Speaker 00

  It's more of a, it's more of a, it's more of a like, remember the horse question that you had, but it's, it's like a life question.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Philosophical. Are we going, we're going philosophical?

• 39:29Speaker 00

  I think I've lined this up too much now. It was just a question.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  Well, now I have to.

• 39:33Speaker 01

  Fine. I understand what you mean.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  I'll have to try and spice this up a little bit. Okay. So you know the way I love rap music and I love rappers?

• 39:44Speaker 00

  So Jay-Z is playing in Paris at the end of September and I was gonna fly to Paris to see Jay-Z because I love Jay-Z. And he doesn't tour very often. He's not doing very many dates. And I was like, I think I have to go to Paris. And like, if I can get the baby's passport in time, I could go to Paris. Well, there's a spanner in the world. With the ba ba, with the ba ba.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  Because it's Paris. I can't just go and not take the baby. It's too early to do that. But Jay-Z has now announced that he is playing Tottenham in London on the 4th and 5th of September. But I'll have just had the ba ba.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  The ba ba, right.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  So will everybody, now it's not to do with how I feel. I'll feel fine because I won't feel sick anymore. And I won't feel tired and I won't feel horrendous. I'll feel fucking fantastic as soon as I have that baby. But is everybody gonna judge me if I go to see Jay-Z? Two or three days after having a baby?

• 40:44Speaker 01

  Well, I am.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Your call.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm more than happy to.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  Be honest.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  You're gonna need someone to mind the baby or you can't go. So I'm more than happy to go. And then tell you what it's like.

• 41:00Speaker 00

  That's really kind of you.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  You're welcome. You're welcome.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  No, because loads of people have said to me and they're like, oh, you can't go. Like everyone will just be talking about you if you go.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Oh, they'll go nuts.

• 41:09Speaker 00

  But I really want to go.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  They'll go nuts.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Go in a disguise.

• 41:14Speaker 00

  Giants can't disguise themselves. Look at Peter Crache. Seen him going around Glastonbury. Everyone knows who he is, even if he wears a hat.

• 41:22Speaker 01

  Go in on your knees with a fake nose and a fake wig and, but you would be, if you were out, if you were a new mother and you look like you're having a good time within a certain space of time. Also, Vogue, I'm telling you now, if you snap back too quickly, I cannot offend you again.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  It's not snapping back. I'm not, no, do you know, I'm not taking any heat for anything anymore. Because I've had to feel sick for 40 weeks. I've felt sick. Someone said to me the other day, they were like, I posted something about being in the gym and she, she mailed me and she was like, I really used to like your content, but this post is very insensitive. And I was like, what have I done now?

• 42:04Speaker 00

  I wrote back and I was like, I can't figure out how I'm insensitive.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  Did she reply?

• 42:09Speaker 00

  No. So I still don't know.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  Were you wearing, were you doing a fascist salute? Like, what were you doing? Is there, is there something else in this story that you've left out?

• 42:23Speaker 00

  No, that was it. There was nothing more to it.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  I know myself, even though I am currently child free, but I know there's a lot of politics and a lot of very strong feelings around birth, motherhood, postpartum behaviour, prepartum behaviours, working out, training, snapping back, enjoying yourself, losing the weight, not losing the weight, all that stuff. It's a, it's a minefield. But like, you've always been a gym person. Why would you stop being a gym person just because you're pregnant? You do it all. Legally and above board. You'd never do anything mad. I think, and as we know, everyone's just sitting there projecting their own shit like a splatter gun.

• 43:02Speaker 00

  There's just so, it just, I find it like, again, it's just like, if Spenny went to Jay-Z, no problem. Not a single issue if he went to Jay-Z, but I'm not like, oh, and I, I have sacrificed for the last 40 weeks.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  I mean, to be honest, even I would be like, Jesus.

• 43:21Speaker 00

  Can you believe it's nearly over, Joanna? You haven't even known that I've been pregnant.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  What's ever.

• 43:25Speaker 00

  Think about it. This has been the easiest pregnancy for you ever. Because you've been on holidays the whole time. Are you pregnant?

• 43:37Speaker 01

  I'm so glad this one has just sailed past me.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  It really has. It's been and gone. It's still, you'll just come to the house, you'll get a fright, you'll say, who the fuck is that?

• 43:47Speaker 01

  I have the opposite of AI glasses. I have like, I just don't see pregnancy.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  It's a choice, Joanna.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  It's a, it's a choice.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  I'm baby blind. I have, I have, I have pregnancy blindness.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  You only see them, they only exist when they get, well, once they turn three, you're like, oh, who's this person?

• 44:11Speaker 01

  Like I was, when I was, well, like I said, I'm in Rossair and one of Audrey's kids is my godchild. And she, for the first time ever, I was like, hello, finally, you've something to say. And she gave me the finger at the end. She gave me the finger at the end and I said, exactly. And this is why we're spirit animals. This is why we've been aligned. She came over and started banging away on the laptop. So now my calendar is in Arabic and half the shit has gone out of it. So if I no longer turn up to events, work or social, just know I've been hacked by a three year old.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  If I can continue showing up when everything is in Afghanistan time on my laptop, you can come in Arabic.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  I'd be surprised. But look, we'll make it work. We always do.