Dear Life Kit: How much advice is too much advice?

In this edition of Dear Life Kit, more wisdom from our vast archives to help you figure out: -Can you bug your friends to do something they're avoiding? -If your partner has a boundary, do you need to go along with it? -Do you need to be on the same page with your partner about junk food? Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include sponsor-free listening and convenient playlists of popular help topics like personal finance, getting healthy, and more. Learn more at plus.npr.org http://plus.npr.org/. See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This week on Up First, the midterms, less than 15 days away. President Trump, Vice President J.D. Vance, and former President Obama, all crisscrossing the country, rallying voters in key races from Michigan to Georgia to North Carolina. Join us every morning as we guide you through the home stretch of this election season, Up First, on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  I tell them once, I say my piece once, and after that, that's on you. Because when you start nagging them, it's not your job to nag them. You told them, you led the horse to water, will the horse drink it? I don't even know how the idiom goes, but you know what I'm talking about.

• 0:36Marielle Segarra?

  Or will the horse die of thirst?

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Let the horse, let that money go.

• 0:41Marielle Segarra?

  Let the horse die of thirst? You stop short of saying, let the horse die of thirst. I want to say for the record.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  Did I say that, or Andy said that? I'm throwing Andy under the bus.

• 0:49Speaker 03

  Is that the end of the idiom? That is so dark.

• 0:55Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle Segarra, and welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, where we answer your questions with help from the collective wisdom in our Life Kit archives. Reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hey, Andy.

• 1:06Speaker 03

  Hey, Marielle.

• 1:07Marielle Segarra?

  And we've also got our digital editor, Malika Garib here. Hey, Malika.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 1:12Marielle Segarra?

  So I'm going to get right into it. Our first question is, Dear Life Kit, I work in unclaimed property for the state. I have several friends who have unclaimed funds. How many times am I allowed to remind them of this before it becomes overbearing and instead of being a welcome surprise, it becomes an undue burden? I truly want to help them reclaim the funds, over $5,000 for one of them, but he actually thinks it's a scam. It is not. How can I help my friends get their money back without being annoying? Okay, have you all heard of unclaimed funds?

• 1:44Speaker 01

  I have not.

• 1:45Marielle Segarra?

  Mm-mm. Okay, basically, this is when the state or federal government collects money that you forgot about. That could be old bank accounts, or uncashed checks, stock certificates, unused gift cards, and those things are available to you through the government. If you search your name, you can see if you have any money there.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I have to do this right now. I'm looking it up. You guys keep talking, and I'll let you know if I have free money.

• 2:14Marielle Segarra?

  Okay.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  And is it like every state, like everywhere you've lived? So you'd have to look up California, and like DC, and...

• 2:20Marielle Segarra?

  I think there are websites where you can check across the country. You can check all the states.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  I have no money.

• 2:25Marielle Segarra?

  Well, that's the Tennessee one, but you might have unclaimed money in another state.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  All right, all right, stand by, stand by.

• 2:32Marielle Segarra?

  So yeah, I mean, I get how frustrated this question asker is because they know all about this, and they're like, hey, I want you to get your $5,000 back. But this person is like, I think it's a scam. And the thing is, you can't really convince people otherwise, and it's not your job to. You know, we know this, at Life Kit, we've done a lot of reporting, especially on money, and how people can optimize their spending, their savings, their investments. But you can only tell someone so many times to like, you should really invest for retirement, and get your employer a match, or get a high-yield savings account. Like, you can't literally make them do it.

• 3:09Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I feel that so deeply.

• 3:11Marielle Segarra?

  Oh.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  How much?

• 3:13Speaker 01

  I have $50.

• 3:14Marielle Segarra?

  What is it from, does it say?

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Wait, first of all, it says owner name, Garib H.

• 3:19Speaker 03

  That's not you.

• 3:19Marielle Segarra?

  That's not you.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Oh, dang. It's sad, though, but I could see how this would work. I would be instantly claiming it. I don't know what this person is thinking. They need to go right now and like, look up their information.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  So this is how our letter writer feels?

• 3:31Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 3:32Speaker 03

  Seeing your friend's name, and being like, you have $5,000, what are you doing?

• 3:35Speaker 01

  This is my rule with adults. This is my rule with adults. You cannot tell another adult what to do. You told them once, that's on them. You know what I mean?

• 3:42Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, like, working for Life Kit, I feel this person so deeply. I feel like I'm brimming with information so often, you know? Like, we'll be talking about whatever, I don't know, for me, it's parenting stuff. I feel like I'm like, the actually person, like, actually, you know? Or like, I was working on this episode, you know, like, I get a lot of eye rolls.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:01Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  There's not a good way to give unsolicited advice to people.

• 4:04Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  There's never a good way.

• 4:05Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Here's what I would do. I would get everybody else in the group to do their claims, and everyone's getting money, and everyone's like, oh, my God, I got $50 in the mail. What about you, Hal? Oh, Hal, I thought you had $5,000. You didn't apply for it, what a dummy.

• 4:18Speaker 03

  Negative peer pressure.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I would do.

• 4:21Marielle Segarra?

  I like it. I think what this comes down to is that this person is trying to show love to the people in their lives. That's the most charitable way of seeing this. You could see it as they're trying to control other people's lives, but I want to see the charitable way that they're trying to show love to other people. And that doesn't always mean fixing something for someone, and it doesn't always mean optimizing their life. I mean, it came up in our cancer support episode, how to support someone who's going through cancer. Like, the answer isn't usually to try to fix it for them. How could you fix it for them? It's too big, you know? But it's to say, how are you doing today? Where are you with this today?

• 5:04Marielle Segarra?

  And you can show that kind of love to people day after day, like, check in on them, but you don't have to get involved in their finances. You can tell them about the five grand, the one time, maybe twice if it's your sibling, but after that, love them in a different way.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Let go of the reins. Let the crumbs fall where they may.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  You have done your part.

• 5:23Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.

• 5:28Speaker 04

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• 5:58Speaker 05

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• 6:20Speaker 06

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• 6:32Marielle Segarra?

  All right, next question. Dear Life Kit, after a series of clashes with his parents, my husband has made the difficult decision to stop contacting them. While he doesn't get his parents' texts and voicemails, I still do. The messages are often affectionate or loving, usually from his mother. Should I advise him to listen to these messages? Or should I keep listening to the messages and ignore how sad it makes me that his parents are trying in vain to reach out?

• 6:59Speaker 01

  I have one big thing to say to this letter writer. This is not about you. This is literally, this boundary that your husband is holding with his parents is not about you. And I think it's so sweet that you are in there and listening to all of it, but like, I think that you just need to step back for a second.

• 7:19Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  And I wanted to share a really great piece of advice from author and therapist Andrea Bonnier, from an interview we did back in 2021, about estrangement. And she says that the challenge of creating a boundary like this is having other people understand it.

• 7:36Speaker 07

  We can have the best-laid plan for why our boundaries are meaningful to us, and why we need to assert them for our own mental health, but sometimes the people in our lives don't respond as well as we would hope, or they can't really even understand where we're coming from.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  What it sounds like to me is that the letter writer is having trouble understanding what the boundaries are that their partner has with their parents. Where does that leave the spouse?

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. This is a hard one. I think that if your spouse has drawn that line in the sand, then it is your job to hold that line. So if you're deciding to listen to those voicemails, to read those texts, that's still crossing that line.

• 8:18Marielle Segarra?

  Because they block this person, right?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Right. They block them for a reason. They don't want it.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Here's my question. Should that person go back to their spouse and try to re-understand and have their spouse re-explain the boundary?

• 8:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, or like, if you want to challenge that boundary, if you want to talk to them about it, or say like, I think maybe it's time to revisit this, I think, you know? And that's something else.

• 8:40Marielle Segarra?

  I think also, if you were going to challenge that boundary, like, you should have a really good reason. There are also scenarios where people basically just ghost their family, and they don't ever tell them why. And so if it's one of those scenarios, and you think your partner really hasn't communicated with the family, or it's something that's like, for lack of a better way of saying this, not that serious, you know? Like, there's a spectrum of reasons that people can be estranged. If you, as their partner, really think like, this is not the kind of thing that you get estranged over, or like, I don't think your family even understands, or this is important enough because we have kids, and I think they would really like to know their grandparents. If you feel like you have enough of a stake in it, then you could revisit it with this person.

• 9:25Marielle Segarra?

  But otherwise, you know, it's not really your choice to make.

• 9:31Speaker 03

  I think that some of the best marriage advice that I've ever gotten was from my brother-in-law, who got it from someone else, I don't know. Just say something, or let it go. Like, if you're upset, either it's important enough to talk about, or just let it roll off your shoulders.

• 9:44Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 9:44Speaker 03

  It's one or the other.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  I actually have never heard of that marriage advice before, but I love it.

• 9:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's really helpful, I think.

• 9:50Marielle Segarra?

  All right, next question. Dear Life Kit, I need help addressing the difference between how my wife and I view food and how this relates to my kids. My wife is a great woman, who grew up without restrictions on sweets. She brings donuts and candy into the house, and there's too much of it. When I try to tell her that it's too much, that the kids don't have self-control, she refuses to alter how much she brings in the home. I am a broken record player with the eat a piece of fruit or a vegetable response to I'm hungry. Other than bringing in more fruit and vegetables, how do I get my wife to cut back on sweets?

• 10:27Speaker 03

  There are a lot of questions in this question.

• 10:29Marielle Segarra?

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  I have a lot of questions in this question, too.

• 10:32Marielle Segarra?

  Well, it's complicated because they have kids. So if it was just the couple, then you've got to think about how much control you should really be exerting over what another adult is eating. But because there are the kids, you should be guiding what they're eating and making sure that they're getting enough nutrition and not eating too much sugar.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  You know what this question is giving for me? It's giving, my wife divorced me over a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and I have no idea what's going on. You know what I mean? Like, this is a question about sweets, but to me, it's like, really, it's about a lot more. Like, there's a lot hiding under this pile of donuts and candy in the kitchen.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Unearth it.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  You know?

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Go.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Like, OK, so what catches me here is the phrase, "she refuses." Like, she refuses to alter how much candy she brings into the home. Like, it's a pretty strong response, especially if you have children.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Also, it sounds a little bit passive aggressive that she continues to bring, even though he said.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  That's exactly what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Like, I'm assuming this person knows that, like, donuts and candy at every single meal is a bad idea, right? So like, there's-

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like she's doing it to spite him.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  Exactly. So I'm wondering, like, how are these conversations going? This is like, not value neutral. This candy signifies something, is what I'm guessing. And you need to get underneath the why, is what is my advice.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Is this more about control? This is the control episode.

• 11:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  One thing is that, like, every parent knows that, like, you can't just tell kids to eat vegetables and fruits, right? You just can't tell them that. It has to be a whole lifestyle. You have to have it readily available. You have to have it cut and ready for them. And they say no the first time, then you have to reintroduce it, keep feeding to it. We have a whole episode on this, how to get your kids to eat veggies, right? And what was the bottom line on that? Do y'all remember?

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Don't get discouraged if they don't like it the first time. Kids need a lot more introduction than you think they need. It's like, at least 10 tries of a food. Flavor conditioning, that's where you pair a new food with foods that they already like. For example, pairing carrots with a sauce that they already like, grating it into a muffin in the morning, trying a lot of different combinations so that they associate the new food with a food that they already like. Get them when they're hungry. There's a lot of good studies about that. Like, when you get them right back after school or after daycare, they're a lot more likely to reach for those carrots, or the cucumber, or the, you know, celery. And then getting kids involved in prep, getting your wife involved in prep. Like, if you're all making a meal together, they're a lot more likely to be excited about those tomatoes that they chop themselves,

• 12:58Speaker 03

  that broccoli that they chop themselves, things like that. Maybe that's something that you can all work on.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  I love those tips. And actually, I was, like, thinking in my mind of like, oh, yeah, I gotta, like, make that little vegetable tray to have ready for Gus when he comes home just from school, when he's, like, super duper hungry and, like, will literally eat anything. So, good reminder. The good thing, too, is, like, to reassign value to, like, the sweets. Like, maybe, maybe your wife really does think of sweets as like, a really big treat or award. And like, with kids, one of the things that, I mean, I personally do is try to, like, offer other treats instead of actual sweets, like, a new book, or like, a trip to the library, or, you know-

• 13:37Speaker 03

  Stickers.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Literally, anything else. Stickers, exactly.

• 13:40Marielle Segarra?

  I think I would just remember, too, as the letter writer, even if you and your wife split up, there would be two separate houses, most likely, and your wife would be giving them sweets, and you'd be giving them vegetables and fruits, right? So you have to figure this out either way. And I think, like, try to find a way to make fruits and vegetables appealing so that your kids consider reaching for that instead of a piece of candy. And I know that that sounds impossible, but show them the best of what the farmer's market, or, you know, your fruit and vegetable vendor has to offer.

• 14:23Marielle Segarra?

  Like, think about what's in season, taste a bit of it first yourself. Show them how amazing fruits and veggies can be.

• 14:33Marielle Segarra?

  All right, that's our show. Do you have a tricky question about relationships, or social etiquette, or work culture, or something else? Send it to us at npr.org/dearlifekit. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib, and our visuals editor is CJ Riechelmann. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Sorino, and Lennon Sherburne. Engineering support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 15:21Speaker 06

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