How honest should you really be? Tips for sharing good and bad news

Should you tell a colleague that you heard they might be fired? A stranger that they have spinach in their teeth? Your followers that you just won a big award? In this episode of Life Kit, reporter Andee Tagle speaks with social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of the new book Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share — and What to Keep to Yourself. Bohns shares tips on when to be honest, the best ways to share good and bad news, and what to say when it feels like there's no right thing to say. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include sponsor-free listening and convenient playlists of popular help topics like personal finance, getting healthy, and more. Learn more at plus.npr.org http://plus.npr.org/. See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

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• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:13Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle Segarra. You're listening to Life Kit. Was there ever a time that you said something to someone and you wish you hadn't? Or maybe you thought about saying something to somebody and you didn't, and then you regretted staying quiet? It's the kind of thing that can keep you up at night. Should I say something? Vanessa Bonds is a social psychologist at Cornell University, and she wrote a book on this very topic. It's called Should I Say Something: The Science of What to Share and What to Keep to Yourself.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  I'm obsessed with advice columns, whether you should tell your friend that you saw their partner cheating on them, or whether you should tell someone they're not really your child. And I started to notice a pattern in advice columns, which was that the really big questions that people seem to wrestle with are, should I say something at all?

• 1:04Marielle Segarra?

  Vanessa's interested in the science behind this question, and the reason it feels so high stakes when we debate whether or not to tell someone something, even if it's just that they have spinach in their teeth.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  We're desperately trying to predict what the reaction might be to us saying something so that we can maintain our standing in the group and our relationships with other people. But the choice of saying something at all communicates so much. It says, I see you. I care about your suffering. I want to help you in some way. And that alone, for many people, is the most important piece. It's not so much the content. It's that someone actually made the effort to say something at all.

• 1:46Marielle Segarra?

  On this episode of Life Kit, reporter Andy Tagle talks with Vanessa about how we can decide whether it's worth saying something, if and when to be honest, the best ways to share good and bad news, and what to say when it feels like there is no right thing to say. That's after the break.

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• 3:43Speaker 05

  Can we start with honesty? I've heard that it's the best policy. But what does the research show us? Is that really the case in all settings? Do people really want to hear the truth from us?

• 3:53Speaker 02

  It depends, right? So there's times when honesty is the best policy, and those times tend to be when we have something actionable that we can give another person. Like, I have information that is going to help you perform better or avoid embarrassment or learn something that you really genuinely want to know about yourself, and you're asking for that advice. So something that someone can actually take with them and use. On the other hand, honesty is not the best policy if whatever we say is going to be honest without any kind of instrumental value. So one thing to think about is,

• 4:37Speaker 02

  what is this person going to do with this information if you tell it to them?

• 4:43Speaker 05

  I feel like it can still be really hard to be honest with someone, even if you know they need to hear it. Why is it so hard for us to give people feedback?

• 4:52Speaker 02

  There's a phenomenon called the MUM effect. It's called the MUM effect because it stands for minimizing unpleasant messages. And the idea here is that we don't like to give honest feedback because we know it's going to embarrass another person. It could potentially hurt them. And it pains us to embarrass and hurt other people. So it's just this really awkward, uncomfortable thing to give difficult, honest feedback. And so that means that even in situations where people would really like feedback, like imagine that you have something on your face or you have toilet paper on your shoe, these really obvious situations where you want someone to tell you that. People will hesitate to do that because of that awkward initial moment

• 5:37Speaker 02

  where you're going to make someone feel bad. You're going to embarrass them. And so when researchers have looked at this, they've sent research assistants out into the world, and they've put globs of lipstick or globs of chocolate on their face, had them talk to strangers on the street, and asked them to participate in a survey. And they've looked at how many people will tell the person that they have something on their face. And it turns out when they had 150 people who were in this study, only about four said anything to this person. This is something they could clearly have done something about and would have wanted to know. And that's this really blatant situation where it's clear that there is something there that could be changed.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  And so you just imagine in a situation where it's a little more sensitive, where you're not entirely sure that the person would be open to this feedback. It just makes it that much more fraught.

• 6:35Speaker 05

  Takeaway one: Consider whether the feedback you give is actionable before weighing in. Oftentimes, if there's something someone can change or advice they can act on, they're more likely to want to hear your feedback. In some cases, the choice is pretty clear-cut. If not, Vanessa has a few more research-based interventions that can help.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  One is remove yourself from the situation. Imagine that you're not the one who has to give the feedback. Imagine that someone else, really good at giving feedback, is going to be the one to give this feedback. Now ask yourself, should this feedback be given? And that way, we're not anchoring on our own discomfort or our own worries about being inarticulate or not particularly good at giving this feedback. But that will often give you the answer about whether someone really should give it and whether maybe, in this case, it's you, if you're the one with the information. The other thing that they try is having people imagine that they were in that situation. So of course, when we think about, what if I had something in my teeth? What if I had something on my face? We would want someone to tell us.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  And so, once you put yourself in the other person's situation, you realize, oh, despite any momentary awkwardness, it's far worse to go around all day with no one having told you that. Let's imagine that someone comes in for an interview at your job, and they do a really terrible job at the interview. And then let's imagine two possible outcomes. Maybe they still get the job even though they had this terrible interview, and now they're your colleague. Should you tell them that their interview was terrible? Probably not at that point, right? What is that going to do?

• 8:15Speaker 05

  What does that serve?

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Exactly. But on the other hand, what if they don't get the job? And now they're interviewing other places. There, it makes a lot of sense to ask them, would you like some feedback on your interview? I was in the room. I have some thoughts if you'd like to hear them. And then they can actually use that information.

• 8:33Speaker 05

  Put yourself in the other person's shoes before sharing your full and honest opinion. Would you want to hear the thing? Would you want to hear it from you? And now, and in that way? If you're still not sure, takeaway two: don't assume. Don't shy away from the conversation. Just ask.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  So we are not very good at figuring out what other people can handle and what they want to hear. So we can err in different directions. We can be patronizing and tell ourselves, oh, I have some feedback, but I don't think that they could really handle it. Or I don't know if they could really take this feedback and run with it. And we're making a decision for them that they're not ready or able to hear this honest feedback. On the other hand, we may just jump in and give feedback when it's not asked for, this unsolicited feedback and not desired. So I did this myself recently. Even having written this book,

• 9:38Speaker 02

  I had a friend who was talking about this venture they were doing, and it was very close to my expertise. And I just started jumping in and giving feedback. And they were like, I don't have the time to implement these things, and now I just feel bad about it. Like, I missed all this stuff. And so to avoid those situations where you're holding back on feedback someone really wants or giving feedback they really don't want, the simplest way is to just ask someone, would you like some feedback on that? And then put them in the driver's seat. You give them the autonomy, and then you respect their decision, whatever it might be.

• 10:14Speaker 05

  That's great advice. And then on the far other end, what about just abstaining from the conversation at all? Ghosting is something you talked about in your book. Why should that not be an option?

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, ghosting is one of these things where we think that when people ghost, it's because they don't care. But it's often because they care and because it's so awkward to have a hard conversation with another person and tell them that they didn't get the job or that you don't want to date them anymore. And so we ghost because it just makes us feel so bad to hurt another person. But the other person ends up feeling like, not only am I being rejected, but I'm also being disrespected because this person isn't even interacting with me and telling me why I'm being rejected. There's this element of uncertainty. And so that silence can itself mean something.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  We tend to worry so much about getting the words right, but that actually means less to people than the fact that you actually made the effort to say something at all.

• 11:19Speaker 05

  After the break, the art of good questions, sharing good news, and the line between creating intimacy and oversharing.

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• 12:21Speaker 05

  Let's talk about when to ask questions about other people's lives. I think there can be a fine line between being curious and friendly and maybe being a bit too nosey.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  So the research suggests that people like you more when you're curious about them and want to get to know them and ask in particular, follow-up questions when you're having a conversation. You know, so they start telling you a story and you ask follow-up questions and they get to talk about themselves and you get to know them. And that's a really great way to increase closeness. And in fact, the kinds of questions that increase closeness tend to be more personal than we expect. So people feel more comfortable sticking to these sort of everyday, small-talk pleasantries. But if they actually go deeper and ask questions about like, the last time you cried

• 13:15Speaker 02

  or the person in your family whose death is going to affect you the most, like these really personal questions, people tend to feel a lot closer to the other person pretty quickly, especially when you're doing this kind of reciprocal disclosure.

• 13:32Speaker 05

  Takeaway three, don't be afraid to go deep quickly when you're trying to get to know someone. Asking the real follow-up questions, cutting past politeness and the weather and getting straight to the good stuff is a great way to build intimacy, especially if those questions go in both directions.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  But then there's always this kind of boundary I like to add, which is that you don't want to turn into an interviewer and you don't want to treat someone like a curiosity. And so you want to kind of ask yourself, am I asking this to get to know someone better to the point where I want to keep interacting with this person? Or am I asking this to satisfy my own curiosity? And it's like, once I find out the answer to this, I'm kind of done with this person. And so my husband has this story about, right before he met me, he was dating this woman who was six feet tall. And she said the reason that she liked him initially is that when he started talking to her, he didn't say anything about her height.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  He didn't ask her if she played basketball or volleyball. And she was like, everyone asks me about, you know, the visible feature that distinguishes me from other people, this thing that they're just curious about. But he just asked her about what she thought of, what they were doing and about her opinions. And so he actually got to know her instead of treating her like a curiosity.

• 14:52Speaker 05

  What about sharing good news? I feel like it can be challenging to not come off as braggy.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  When I was researching this, and back in the day when I was interested in social support and close relationships, I imagined social support as who you turn to when things are going badly, right? When I'm having a hard time, I lean on people. But I came across this research by Shelley Gable and her colleagues. And it's all about social support when things are going right. And it's who you turn to when, you know, you're succeeding or you have happy news to share. And having people around you who are there to celebrate the good things, it turns out, is just as important as having people around to support you when things are going poorly or things aren't so rosy.

• 15:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, absolutely. That promotion at work is so much sweeter when you get to share it with your mom at the dinner table and when you get to take everybody out to dinner, that kind of thing.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  That's right. The way I think about sharing good things now is giving other people an opportunity to bask in your reflected glory, to basically feel like, oh, I know someone who's doing good things. And we all like to brag about our friends and family who are doing cool things, like my friend who's on Jeopardy or my cousin who works at NASA. So it kind of gives people bragging rights and makes them feel good by association.

• 16:17Speaker 05

  Takeaway four, your people aren't just there to help you on the bad days. A support system can and should celebrate your successes with you too. Maybe it feels a bit vain to toot your own horn, but there can be a real benefit to sharing your wins with other people. It's a phenomenon called capitalization. It's this idea that when we share good things with other people, we expand that goodness.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  It's interesting because when researchers have asked people to recall something good that happened to them and they just kind of write it down or think about it to themselves, you don't get the same happiness boost as when you share it with another person. So it's not just about reliving a good thing or reminding yourself that this good thing happened. There is something really special about sharing it with another person who reacts enthusiastically. And it just makes everybody happier, including the other person.

• 17:13Speaker 05

  Can we talk about disclosure and sharing bad news? I know that the research tells us that being vulnerable with other people can create connection. But how much of yourself is too much to share with, say, a coworker or a new acquaintance?

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, so when we, when we share things, we often worry that if we share, you know, a failure or a vulnerability or something that's happened to us that we think might paint us in a bad light, that we worry that other people won't like us as much. And it turns out that that worry really does not bear out. So when we share vulnerabilities, people tend to like us more. And that's because when we share something, we're really sharing two things. We're sharing the content of the information. And then we're also saying something by virtue of sharing something at all. So we're saying, I trust you enough to share this with you, which makes the other person feel good. And I am a trustworthy person because I'm willing to be open about these things.

• 18:15Speaker 02

  And that makes people like us more. But the flip side, as you said, like sharing with a coworker, there is some research suggesting that there are times in which sharing can make people sort of question your competence and whether you're really up for, you know, a particular project right now, for example. So let's imagine, right before this interview, I tell you, you know, Andy, my, my dog died yesterday. And my dog is fine, by the way, but imagine that I said that.

• 18:46Speaker 05

  Glad to hear.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  And you probably would feel closer to me suddenly, like you kind of lean in, feel empathy. And, and that could create this kind of bond and increase liking, right? Because we lean in towards people who are suffering in some way. At the same time, you might have in the back of your head, like, ooh, I hope this interview goes okay. I, I hope she's up for this. And you might be surprised if I turn around and actually can push through it and do a good job. And so it kind of shows the trade-offs of, of sharing vulnerabilities that people can both feel closer to you and be a little worried about your ability to get the job done.

• 19:30Speaker 05

  Sometimes you can't help but have a bad day, to overshare, you go through a bad breakup. Oh, no, we've become too vulnerable. Is there any way to walk it back?

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I mean, this is kind of like you've become a Debbie Downer. And there is research showing that basically negative outweighs positive. And so if we want to think about like, keeping kind of the balance of life and just being authentic and sharing things, it's not really a one-to-one balance. The negative stuff we complain about or share sticks with people more than the positive. And so, for example, if, you know, you've been complaining a bunch, a really helpful thing is to audit, like, okay, what are the last, like, 10 conversations I've had with someone? Or five conversations? And see if you've had more, if you've talked about more positive things or shared more positive information than negative, because that will feel more balanced.

• 20:25Speaker 05

  Takeaway five, being vulnerable with other people can foster connection. But before opening up to someone, consider the setting as well as your priorities for that conversation or relationship. If you want to project professionalism and competence at the office, for example, maybe gossiping in the hallway for all to hear right before that staff meeting isn't the best idea. And negative interactions are stickier than positive ones. So be mindful of the picture of yourself you're painting for other people. Finally, takeaway six, sometimes the answer to, should I say something? Isn't black or white.

• 21:05Speaker 05

  When you're faced with all good or all bad options, take a pause and then let your personal values guide you.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  I'd say the starting point is to buy yourself time and actually take time to consider all your options. And there may be more than two, which is a really sort of important note. Take time to consider all your options so that you feel like you actually processed, you didn't just rush into something or make sort of a gut decision, which is something that can lead us to regret particularly a difficult decision. So, once you've taken time to sort of consider your options, you can apply these classic ethical frameworks. One is consequentialism, which is basically looking at, okay, you know, which of these two decisions helps the most people and hurts the least number of people?

• 21:59Speaker 02

  You know, let's imagine that your boss confides in you that a friend at work is going to be laid off. And he says, please don't share that with anybody. So you make this promise to your boss that you're not going to share this information. And then that friend at work comes up to you and says, hey, do you happen to know anything about the layoffs? Do you know if I'm getting laid off? And so now you're in this bind, right? And it's a right versus right bind because it's right to honor the promise you've made and it's right to care about your friend and want to do something to help them. And so you could ask yourself, you know, who's going to be hurt more by either of these decisions? By either sharing, you know, breaking my promise and sharing the secret or keeping the secret to myself?

• 22:44Speaker 02

  You could ask yourself, you know, what's a general rule that I should use in this situation? And a lot of us just kind of have a general rule in our minds, such as, you know, you should always keep your promises. Some people would say like that in itself is a rule that you just want to follow in all situations. Yeah. Or some people might say you should always be loyal to your friends. And so they might say like, that's the rule that's most important to me. And then the last one is the golden rule, and that's to ask yourself, if you were in this person's position, what would you want them to do? And so that also can kind of illuminate these dilemmas a little bit.

• 23:23Speaker 05

  Vanessa Barnes, thank you so much.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 23:27Speaker 05

  All right, let's recap. Takeaway one, to decide whether to say something, consider the value and the purpose behind the truth you want to share. Is this information actionable? If the shoe was on the other foot, is this something you would want to hear? Takeaway two, if still in doubt about whether or not to share feedback, just ask. Takeaway three, if you're really trying to get to know someone, don't waste time on fluff. Ask the question that's really on your mind. Get curious about their hopes or fears or childhood, but make sure the interest is reciprocated. Making someone feel like they're in a hot seat or a fishbowl isn't a great way to build closeness.

• 24:09Speaker 05

  Takeaway four, don't be afraid to brag about yourself now and then to the people you care about. Good news shared with good company is sweeter for all involved. Takeaway five, vulnerability can create connection, but be discerning and intentional about it. There are better and worse times for opening up to other people, especially in workplace settings. Finally, takeaway six, sometimes there's no right way to answer if you should say something. In those scenarios, let your own moral compass guide you.

• 24:46Marielle Segarra?

  That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle. One more thing before we go. Do you follow Life Kit in your podcast app? Why not go ahead and do it right now? Just tap follow so you never miss an episode. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. It was edited by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib and our visuals editor is CJ Ricolon. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from Simon Laslow-Janson. Back checking by Andrea Lopez-Cruzado. I'm Mary El Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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