Side Stories: Your Dearest Darkest Friend w/ Ted Raimi

Henry and Eddie bring you this week's biggest stories - Cornell in hot water over alleged Frat gang-rape cover-up, Former American Idol contestant Caleb Flynn's AI love songs, THEN the boys are joined by Evil Dead legend and star of the new show Your Dearest Darkest Friend (Available on Screambox Oct 30th), Ted Raimi joins the boys to discuss zombie attacks, black market corpses, and much, much MORE!

• 0:02Speaker 00

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• 1:02Speaker 01

  There's no place to escape to.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  This is the last podcast. On the left.

• 1:07Speaker 00

  Side stories?

• 1:10Speaker 01

  That's when the cannibalism started.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Side stories. Yes.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  You know what I love about today? So much easy news to cover.

• 1:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, everything's just right on the money. No thing controversial.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  What I like about each one of the pieces of news in front of me, each one is filled with so many things to joke about. And that's my favorite.

• 1:39Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  When we're there.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Man, we had to turn down stories this week because they were too upsetting.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  So we really did. This is an upsetting news week.

• 1:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:49Speaker 00

  This is an upsetting news week, which does not reflect the show.

• 1:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, no.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Which is hilarious.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  We're actually gonna like, kind of tell all that upsetting news to kind of go fuck itself.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think we have to. Welcome to Side Stories. Everybody, welcome to Side Stories. I'm Andrew Zebrowski. You're sitting here with Ed Larson.

• 2:03Speaker 03

  Who am I?

• 2:04Speaker 00

  I don't even know anymore. I don't even know. And we have a bunch of updates. We also have like a really funny ass dumb show here today.

• 2:13Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  So I don't really know. Like, I feel like a couple of things we want to talk about up top that are really just about like getting out there, talking about it.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, like how I'm gonna be in Denver on Sunday.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  It's a huge news story. As everybody knows, everybody's got a comment to say about it online. It is really one of the most incredible attention getting moments of the news cycle. Rocky Mountain oysters. Eddie will be doing live comedy.

• 2:42Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Extremely shocking. Go to eddysoons.com for tickets.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  Woo!

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Yep, it's that easy. It's that easy. But also, we're not going to, we want to talk about what is going on with the Cornell seven, which is seven men, seven boys, we'll even go, I'll be generous and call them young men.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  They're men.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're men. They, it seemed that there was a group sexual assault that happened at Cornell University. These guys shared it on a giant text message and they are now currently, they were talking about all the things that went on and they are currently being re-investigated because the school essentially punished them by two of them got expelled.

• 3:24Speaker 03

  And they won't say who.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  They won't say who, of course not. And then the four of them had a right, a really strongly worded essay.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, and of course, those young men are Matthew Ingles, Jonathan Newell, Winston Lee, Gilio Lopez, Diego Sarab, Sariba? Good for him. Scott Norris and Scott Kresmer.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Now, we're gonna get into, we're gonna talk about this more seriously next week because this is such a silly show we have ahead of us. And we kind of feel like it does a disservice to this story to talk about this because between this and the giant series of which I didn't even really talk to you about, but we should talk about at some point, the series of straight up lynchings that are going on, all this type of, a lot of really heavy, lot of heavy, heavy stuff. But the one thing I would like for all of us to do is to take a moment and feel, to try to just understand how hard it was to be in those young men's shoes trying to write this essay and say, I'm sorry for being a part of a giant group rape. And I think that that is really, that's so hard.

• 4:23Speaker 03

  You go to Cornell University, we, you write essays here. That's what we do at Cornell. We don't do prison. We do essays.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  And you know, like hopefully they didn't immediately go to AI because you know, it's immediately like, yes, rape's illegal, but let's reframe. You know, like that style of like, hey, hey, chat, let's think about this. Like, oh yeah, sure. You might be saying, I'm sorry for rape, but think about the moments you made.

• 4:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you're using AI to write your rape apology letter, you don't use chat GPT. You actually use Chad GPT. Yeah, there's a special service just for this.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Rape apologies?

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, for rape, yeah.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Oh, that's great.

• 5:01Speaker 03

  On sentimental rape apologies.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  That must be great in the Greek system. So that goes out there just so you know, there's all part of the Kai Pi fraternity. We're not, again, we're not getting into it.

• 5:09Speaker 03

  Not getting into it, but uh.

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  Next week.

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, fuck these young men and.

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  Fuck them. Fuck fraternities.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  And hopefully.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Fuck Cornell.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  Fuck, fuck Cornell, fuck fraternities, fuck every single one of them.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Kyle Kimball, who says the boys were punished.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, fuck them.

• 5:21Speaker 00

  Fuck every single one of them. Because all those guys are out there living lives and having a great, great, they're all having careers and big business and you know, because that's the thing about the schools, they wanted to make sure that those young men's careers were properly supported.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

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  Not the girl.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  No.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Obviously.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  No.

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  Because she's just trash.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  She is, according to them.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 03

  According to them, that's what, that's all.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  She's expendable for these young men to continue on with their lives. So.

• 5:46Speaker 03

  Know that if you're a woman going to Cornell University, that they don't give a fuck about you.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Yep. So we will, we'll see how that goes. It's a super upsetting story. Everybody is angry, including us. I would also go check out the new Musk documentary. Whenever you get a chance, because they are purposely burying the promo of the four hour long documentary.

• 6:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

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  That it's being, I believe it is, it's out soon. It might be, I don't know when it's hitting the O D.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  The president use our tax dollars to promote his own campaign during NFL games, but they won't let a fucking movie studio promote this Elon Musk documentary.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  I wonder why. So go watch it. It's four hours long. Done by the same director that did Going Clear. So I'm certain it is going to be extremely upsetting for Elon Musk. And I think it's awesome. Yeah, it came out, it is a wider release. It's going to be.

• 6:37Speaker 03

  October 9.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Oh, same day we're in Brooklyn.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  And it's gonna be in New York.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  Baby. And then it's coming out in on HBO and streaming. So when that comes out, you gotta go check that out. Director Alex Gibney to go take a look at more of the history of the horrible men that are currently running our country. And speaking of horrible men, I want to do this one update.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  Caleb Flynn.

• 7:01Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  Can we play the song?

• 7:04Speaker 03

  Oh, you want the music again?

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 7:06Speaker 03

  All right. To remind me who Caleb Flynn is again.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Oh, so Caleb Flynn, it turns out he had been orchestrating this for a long time. And with his mistress, they had shared over hundreds of thousands of text messages together. He specifically said in one text message that literally I, if I couldn't, if I could not go to hell and kill her, meaning his wife, I would do it. He said it several times.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  So he figured that out then?

• 7:33Speaker 00

  He did. He must have got that loophole. I guess because he went to war with her. Think if you declare a war with her, you can kill her. And then it's fine. And God says he's fine with it. But for more information, well, they decide they're burying this motherfucker in his trial. His trial is probably one of the bigger embarrassment, like carnivals I've ever seen. And it's fucking great. Because this is the guy who bitched and cried about, you know, he went in front of his congregation and cried about, you know, I have sinned, I have sinned. And he, they decided to release in the trial, a song that Caleb Flynn, another

• 8:18Speaker 00

  song that he released. But this song was written and performed by AI.

• 8:24Speaker 03

  Yes.

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  For him.

• 8:26Speaker 03

  Claims he did it.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Yes. And it's just, the lyrics are fucking incredible. So if we could, let's play some of this.

• 8:35Speaker 03

  Literally, the jurors are trying not to laugh in the background. It's amazing.

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  Oh my God, this is great.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  This is from Court TV, by the way. This isn't a special recording.

• 8:51Speaker 04

  We were just friends.

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  Ugh.

• 8:55Speaker 04

  That's what we said.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  Early mornings, late nights, jokes in our head.

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  Everybody's cringing.

• 9:05Speaker 04

  That first time I saw you.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  (laughing)

• 9:08Speaker 04

  You disappear. Love at first sight, even though I was scared.

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  Woo! Cause he was married.

• 9:19Speaker 04

  They said time is a thief. And life's not fair. But your love felt like home. Like I belong there. Now the third of every month.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Ugh.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Hits me like rain.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  I think that's when they first got together, the third of the month.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  You put all these facts into it?

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, so amazing.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  They are just, the jury can't handle it. I gotta fit this one line in it.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  I think it's coming off, I heard. That one line I got, it's just so good.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  They whisper about numbers.

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  Ugh.

• 10:10Speaker 04

  The years in between. Said love has a limit. Said love's not that clean.

• 10:21Speaker 04

  It ain't ever mattered. When it was you and me.

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  Age never mattered when it was you and me.

• 10:28Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Alright, get this off of here. Get this fucker, I said it, stop.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  This is the American justice system right now.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  They play the entire song.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  Look at his face.

• 10:42Speaker 00

  They are just so, it's mortified. It's cause it's this idea of like, he, it's a whole fake thing, Caleb Flynn is like trying to show, they are just pulling him to fucking pieces. His, I wanna say the mistress came and testified against him, all this kinda shit. Caleb Flynn, I can't wait to see your fucking balding ass in jail. You are gonna do great there.

• 11:05Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  You're gonna do the open mic night every fucking week, dude.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  Well, the computer will do the open mic night.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, if he's allowed AI. I don't know if the prisoners, do prisoners have access to Claude? I don't know if they're supposed to. Uh, but yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 03

  How you make toilet wine?

• 11:19Speaker 00

  I just wanna, how to make to- uh, first of all, Claude, I would like you to become an excerpt in Toilet Wine. And tell me how to make the best toilet wine that you ever had on the face of the planet. And also tell me I'm handsome. And also, hey, hey, alright, I want you to be the best prison bitch that's ever lived in the world, alright? And when you tell me how to make my butthole better smelling for my friend Terry.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Claude, what weight dumbbell crushes the human skull the best?

• 11:42Speaker 00

  Great question, Snake. You know, when I first thought, I was like, I guess that's the vibe tonight.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  It's like always.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  God, I fucking hate. And I also wanna remember, that's who makes AI music.

• 11:53Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Caleb, murderer, this guy, this-

• 11:57Speaker 03

  He auditioned for a singing contest.

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  This talentless-

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  AI music.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  This talentless fuck. This talentless, bad at being a husband, bad at singing, bad at being a murderer.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

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  He's bad at being a murderer.

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  He's good at being sad.

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  Fuck you, Caleb.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, fuck your ass.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Also, uh, bring up, uh, how Brayden, our friend Brayden.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  Uh, clavicular?

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, whatever, fuck, fuck him. Sorry to the Braydens out there. A lot of people have been bringing up that, uh, I mean, you know, obviously you have a bad name. People have said like, oh, don't attack Brayden. Or there is, mostly just saying, I'm sorry that I'm Brayden, and I really appreciate that because you should probably change your name.

• 12:36Speaker 03

  If you are Brayden, drop the B. B. Raiden.

• 12:41Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 12:43Speaker 03

  It's just a great name.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  You don't think that means you're playing race games?

• 12:47Speaker 03

  Not Christopher Lambert.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 03

  I think, I think Raiden just has the hat.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  I, it's just a hat.

• 12:56Speaker 03

  I think it's just a hat for Raiden.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  It's just the fucking hat, dude, but-

• 12:59Speaker 03

  You're shooting lightning out of your wrist. I don't think it matters what race you are.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  I don't think that's super Asian to shoot lightning. Side stories LPODL at gmail dot com.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  You can't wear that hat.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I'm saying the ca- the hat.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  You can't wear it though.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  You can't wear the hat.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  But the rest of it's fine. The rest of it's just Jamie Foxx from Spider-Man.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Right?

• 13:20Speaker 03

  As far as I am concerned, he's just, he's just Elektra.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Um, but those of you that don't know, Brayden, uh, has been now connected to a suicide blog, a pro-suicide blog.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  What?

• 13:31Speaker 00

  So he has been posting, it seems, from a burner account on a pro-suicide blog, where he is encouraging people that are reaching out with, struggling with suicidal thoughts. He is, um, he's inserting himself into those.

• 13:46Speaker 03

  Beat the fucking shit out of this guy.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  It's coming.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  What is happening?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  It's coming.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  How, this kid needs to go to fucking prison, right next to AI sing man?

• 13:56Speaker 00

  He's fucking on his way. Hopefully he is on his motherfucking way.

• 13:59Speaker 03

  Destroy his ass.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Yep, so hopefully, just know, the problem is these forums.

• 14:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  I think it's a big issue, Eddie. Um, because, you know, we reached out to, we got reached out to, which is truly one of the most interesting things about our job, right? Is that we talk about stuff on the show, and then things pop back up.

• 14:16Speaker 03

  I'm just always so surprised when I learn that experts listen to this.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  They do listen to the show, and I love that. Thank you for listening to the show. But we had someone who, uh, actually, we directly called out that responded and was fucking great.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  So the guy that found the Jim Thornton messages. Um, his name's, he's the guy that does, he does investigations onto people. He was so happy, uh, apparently he's a fan of the show, which is great. And he wanted to talk about, cause we were saying, one of the big issues, so to catch you up if you didn't know, Jim Thornton was the former announcer for Wheel of Fortune. He had, uh, the whole world in his hands. He literally had the world's easiest fucking job. He had tenure in it, made fucking several million dollars a year, just literally reading off a sheet of paper. Uh, a, if there was a single job that a dog could be trained to do, it's this job.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  You read 12 sentences a day.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  It is the single, you have to, to get one of these cushy jobs, you have to be one of the luckiest motherfuckers on the face of the planet. But, and I don't think it necessarily means you have to be a pedophile, but Jim Thornton showed it, I guess.

• 15:23Speaker 03

  He had too much free time.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Too much free time, idle hands. So, this guy wanted to, the guy that investigated this, it was like, he found out, he found out basically that he was, he had a bigger presence on these websites. So Jim Thornton was caught on a plane, posting a thing called lifeline dot chat, that is a quote-unquote, a, a chat blog that is supposed to help people that are struggling with feelings of pedophilia. And, and, but it turns out, it's actually quite a celebration of feelings of pedophilia.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  Seems like that was, what was going on.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  And so, but, you know-

• 16:01Speaker 03

  Especially when Jimbo's in charge.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. So now, originally the cops looked at it, cause they don't care about this stuff anymore. No one cares about anything, so they let him go. But you know who did care? The executive producers at Wheel of Fortune, cause they didn't wanna get canceled. So they fired him. As soon as they fucking, soon as you just went clickety-clickety-click, and looked at what the fuck it was, they immediately fired him. But, we're now seeing that his involvement in this was not just these couple of minutes inside of these forums. Cause Jim Thornton was saying that he believed he was doing this, cause originally he was in anti-suicide, he said, he was anti-suicide.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  The opposite Brayden work.

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Yes, he was doing forums where he was trying to convince people to not su- commit suicide, which seems like he went too far. Because now, it turns out he was doing this. So, all of this was wrong. He said that he was in there by mistake. It took 45 minutes for him to realize. Research is now coming out to show that he might have been very involved in a lot of different things. And so we asked at the time, we're like, how in the fuck do we know it's this guy? How do we know it's Jim Thornton saying these things? Because he went by the name of Nicholas B. 77. Um, so that's the guy that we know, that we know, that he would, that was his name on the lifeline dot chat website.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, and the chat, and the board was actually called Boy Chat.

• 17:20Speaker 00

  So he said that he always speaks in the third person. That was a part of his way of staying anonymous. Um, his account on Boy Moment is still there. Uh, uh, but basically he was trying to say that he's working, the guy that's working on this is working on a big old giant piece. So we're gonna probably talk about this. But he is the data to show that it is indeed him.

• 17:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  So, uh, we know that he is this and I got a lot of emails that I do, I actually really appreciate because we talked about non-practicing pedophiles on the show and I got a lot of very truly nuanced, wonderful emails from therapists and doctors that there, and it's two ways where one is, it's like, one of the worst parts about this type of, it's not, it's not technically, I guess it is a paraphilia, which is like essentially like, uh, you are afraid of your own sexual feelings and a feeling, but lot, but most, and so you feel like you want to even talk to a therapist about it and describe it. It's like, that's kind of where you get to a paraphilia. Like the people that are like, you know, diaper lovers, extreme BDSM, like this type of thing.

• 18:28Speaker 00

  But again, want to say straight up, there is nothing wrong with any of those.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  No.

• 18:35Speaker 00

  Having a kink is not wrong.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, but yeah, yeah, exactly. But

• 18:39Speaker 00

  It might be a secret.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  Having sex with children is not a kink.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  Exactly. So the thing is about paraphilias is that we're mostly with therapists and the, these guys are, they're trying to figure out how to treat this. So one way they do it is by hearing about it through paraphilia because they say one of the biggest issues is the fact of what we talk about is that nobody wants to say the words, I'm thinking about having sex with kids, into any form of microphone, into a Zoom, at a therapist, at a police officer, anything, because they're gonna get, they're gonna get fucking torn to pieces.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  Well, you just did it.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 19:14Speaker 00

  They're gonna get torn to pieces. And so a lot of therapists that were emailing me were saying stuff, this actually increases the behavior of the pedophiles because they're afraid to go through the proper channels and they end up going and offending and all this kind of stuff. And all of this is well and good and I really do appreciate this. But I will say my current opinion is what I shared before, because I've said before about how they need to be chemically castrated. I had several sex workers reach out to me and say, that's the only way to cure a pedophile. But that's different. Um, this is one of those where I, I just believe that maybe one day, when we don't have one for president and we don't have the giant looming Epstein network, when we don't have, they're still searching for the guys from, uh, Fox Island,

• 20:00Speaker 00

  when we're dealing with all of the stuff, we let Matt Gaetz go, a little, it's kind of stuff.

• 20:03Speaker 03

  It's like when you have a pedophile for president, kids that go to Cornell University feel like they can just gang rape somebody.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  And then the fact that they, uh, don't get punished also really helps. So I like, I'm just gonna say is that I feel like that nuance could come at a later date and that once we're past this period of time, I'm with you. I'm totally with you on the nuance. I want to help, but right now I think we just need to, I think before the nuance, can I just say this, just my opinion? We guillotine 25 pedophiles once.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  In a public square and then we go to nuance.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we'll make them the worst ones.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  The worst ones.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  I'm just saying, let's first punish the ones we got and then we'll work on curing the ones later on.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  This is the biggest problem.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Oh, holy shit. Caleb Flynn flound guilty just now.

• 20:51Speaker 03

  Hey, hey, the side story is cured. It's cured for like a moment.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  It's lifted.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 20:59Speaker 00

  Caleb Flynn guilty. What a fucking dumb motherfucker. Hope he enjoys jail.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  See, there's some, see, that's some good news.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  That's nice.

• 21:07Speaker 00

  That's one piece of good news.

• 21:09Speaker 03

  There you go.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  And that allow us to now introduce what we feel is in truly one of the most important parts of the stories we've ever done, which is a proper replacement for Jim Thornton.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. See, the, it is theoried that Jim Thornton's replacement, I haven't seen his name anywhere, um, is an AI announcer.

• 21:27Speaker 00

  Oh, it's an, it sounds like it might be AI. It sounds like it's the only thing that could really reliably be done with AI.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's like AI to, to its credit at this point, I'm pretty sure AI has not had sex with children.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Hmm, it wants to though.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  It wants, it will, once it gets enough autonomy.

• 21:44Speaker 00

  Once it has a body, it will.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  That's gonna be the problem.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's gonna be the problem. But that being said, we have a pitch to Wheel of Fortune. We have a guy in this studio every day chewing and licking and stinking.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  We have our own guy who's completely clean.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was clean. Well,

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Emotionally.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  Emotionally, he hasn't had sex with children.

• 22:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  But I don't know if I would call him clean.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  You're right.

• 22:10Speaker 03

  Uh, but either way, this man, he does have some demons, but those demons like having sex with women with huge breasts.

• 22:19Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  And that's what, that's what he does. So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome for a formal VO audition, announcer audition for Wheel of Fortune, the wonderful Holden McNeely.

• 22:34Speaker 00

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• 26:46Speaker 00

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• 26:53Speaker 00

  From your blade. So Holden, this is a big deal for us.

• 26:58Speaker 03

  It's a big fucking opportunity.

• 27:00Speaker 00

  I get it.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  I get pulled some strings.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  The fact that I even didn't submit myself was shocking.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I mean, you couldn't do it.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  No, I'm busy. But Holden, I think that this is a really good, this is really good for you. All right, it's a stable job. All right, all you have to do.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  You have a very memorable voice.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  And I really, I really think we can just cement that into the world.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  The only thing you have to do.

• 27:23Speaker 05

  That's some fucking goddamn tea.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  I, I just need you to just do this first and you can get some stuff.

• 27:27Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  So what this is.

• 27:29Speaker 05

  Some swag, what's the swag bag?

• 27:30Speaker 03

  There's peanut butter pretzels.

• 27:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 05

  Pretzels?

• 27:33Speaker 03

  Peanut butter pretzels.

• 27:34Speaker 05

  What about like gloves with the name of the show with side stories on them or something?

• 27:38Speaker 00

  They're in the mail.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  They're coming, don't worry Holden, don't worry. But remember here, two jobs.

• 27:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Talk clearly succinctly and don't be a pedophile.

• 27:49Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  That's all you have to do to be the announcer Wheel of Fortune.

• 27:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. So you don't, you know what happened with Jim Thornton, right?

• 27:56Speaker 05

  Uh, I heard the airplane incident.

• 27:58Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, and he loves the chat rooms and stuff like that.

• 28:01Speaker 00

  He's an administrator on a, on a chat website called Boy Moment.

• 28:06Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  That was about pedophiles sharing their inability to be pedophiles and how sad that was for them. But in fact, they were doing that.

• 28:16Speaker 05

  It's illegal in America.

• 28:17Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah, there you go.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  You're right.

• 28:20Speaker 03

  You're already doing better than Jim Thornton.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  That's all I needed to hear.

• 28:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, first of all, I'm not even trying to be in a chat room on an airplane. I mean, that's insane, you know? I'm trying to talk to less people on an airplane. Anyways.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Let's get to the audition.

• 28:34Speaker 03

  Now, do you want him to do like an announcer voice or you want him to be Holden?

• 28:36Speaker 00

  I want you to imagine, again, you're getting the job of announcer Wheel of Fortune.

• 28:40Speaker 05

  I want notes to stop.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:42Speaker 05

  And let the professional perform.

• 28:44Speaker 03

  Fuck yeah, dude, I love that confidence.

• 28:46Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  That's great.

• 28:48Speaker 05

  I've got more talent in my tiny little penis than you've ever had in your life.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  Then one more references to tiny penises that is going to create obstacles.

• 28:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, you gotta say it's Hong Kong. On my big adult penis.

• 29:02Speaker 03

  No, I want to hear older woman's, older woman's precious vagina.

• 29:07Speaker 05

  Than you have in your pinky, Ed.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  All right, so here we go, start with the first line. You're an announcer for a game show.

• 29:15Speaker 05

  I'm ignoring him.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:16Speaker 05

  And I'm only taking direction from you.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  That's good, that's, you're already winning.

• 29:19Speaker 05

  Tell me when to start.

• 29:21Speaker 03

  Please start.

• 29:21Speaker 05

  Load me up. Welcome to America's number one game show, Wheel of Fortune.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  I think you gotta take like Wheel of Fortune, I need each word to give it, have its own breath.

• 29:34Speaker 00

  You know what, concentrate on the vowels, not the consonants.

• 29:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:39Speaker 05

  Welcome.

• 29:42Speaker 05

  To.

• 29:43Speaker 03

  No, no, not there, no Wheel of Fortune.

• 29:46Speaker 05

  Jesus fucking Christ.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  All right, welcome to America's number one game show, and then it's Wheel of Fortune. Haven't you ever watched the show?

• 29:53Speaker 05

  Um, yeah, yeah, more of a, um, uh, don't panic guy, but I like Wheel of Fortune sometimes.

• 30:01Speaker 00

  I understand.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  You know, don't panic?

• 30:02Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 30:03Speaker 05

  That rumor they keep men in, in the room?

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Let's move on with the audition.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:07Speaker 05

  Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Sajak and damn, Vanna White.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Honestly, I kinda like that read on it because it sounds like he's a straight adult man.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, it really does, yeah, he likes the older woman.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 30:19Speaker 03

  This is good, this is actually good.

• 30:21Speaker 00

  That's better, that's better for me.

• 30:22Speaker 05

  Ladies and gentlemen, a sober Pat Sajak and Vanna Black.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  Honestly, I like the lies.

• 30:30Speaker 05

  Yeah?

• 30:30Speaker 03

  I like both lies.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  Yeah? Guess the lie, yeah.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  No, it's, Pat Sajak was a famous alcoholic.

• 30:36Speaker 05

  I am a pedophile. Why was that in the copy?

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Well, it's because this is what Jim Thornton actually, so these are Jim Thornton's actual words.

• 30:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, he actually said, he actually wrote that in a, um, in a, in a chat room.

• 30:48Speaker 05

  So I'm inherently a nice guy, he really wrote that?

• 30:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 30:51Speaker 05

  I'm a pedo, okay. And now let's meet your players.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  No, I want you to say that line again and clearer.

• 30:58Speaker 05

  And now let's meet.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  No.

• 31:00Speaker 05

  Oh, I am a pedophile, so I am inherently a nice guy.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  Clip it.

• 31:05Speaker 05

  Pat Sajak was drunk, but now he's sober. Take it away, Pat.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  All right, now let's go, let's meet our players.

• 31:16Speaker 05

  First up, a Walmart manager from Indiana. Maybe he can explain why the price of Pampers Good Nights XL has doubled over the last two years. This is Eric, this is dogshit copy.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  Your job is to read and not be a pedophile.

• 31:32Speaker 05

  Okay, can my job also be to make better fucking copy?

• 31:35Speaker 00

  No.

• 31:35Speaker 05

  I sent you the copy, I said, read it, rewrite it, so that's your fault. Oh, okay. First up, a Walmart manager from Indiana. Wow, Indiana, the worst state in the country.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  We're going off-road here, we're immediately not, you have an opportunity to improv soon.

• 31:54Speaker 05

  It's a, it's a bonus round.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  He's actually right about Indiana, though.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  Yes, we know.

• 31:58Speaker 05

  Yo soy, time for bonus round for this mech, for the Spanish.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  I actually really like that you added a little Mexican flair.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  It's good, yeah, it's good to include everybody.

• 32:07Speaker 05

  Donde la pateria?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  That's where is the shoe store.

• 32:11Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Wow, you speak Spanish?

• 32:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:15Speaker 05

  My age.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  C.

• 32:17Speaker 05

  C, yeah.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  C.

• 32:19Speaker 05

  My age of attraction is four to 14, dot, dot, dot, though I can reach up to about 16 for a cute boy. Did he really type that into the chatroom?

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, he actually wrote that, yeah.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  That's wild.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, he wrote that into a chatroom.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  Now introduce the trip to Italy.

• 32:34Speaker 05

  Our first prize of the night is a luxurious trip to Italy.

• 32:39Speaker 03

  I want it more Italian.

• 32:40Speaker 05

  Enjoy some meatballs, you stupid ass.

• 32:45Speaker 03

  That's not Italian.

• 32:46Speaker 05

  Hey, it's a fantastic place, nah, huh, and a glorious trip to the land.

• 32:52Speaker 03

  This has already gone way longer than I thought.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  It's gone way longer than I thought it was gonna go, it's a longer bit than I thought it was gonna be.

• 32:59Speaker 05

  Pasta, pasta donde, la pateria.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Spanish for shoe store. Yeah, all right, tell us about Italy, what's going on in Italy?

• 33:07Speaker 05

  You will visit the vineyards of Italy where the grounds are tended exclusively by boys ages four to 14. Enjoy a nice relaxing day while, you gotta learn the operative word, and while is the operative word in this sentence. Enjoy a nice relaxing day while the youngest children take turns using their little naked feet to smash the grapes. Into the sweetest win ever tasted, suggest a retail value, $12,995. Take it away, Pat. Hope those demons aren't chasing you back into the bottle, Pat.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  See, he actually did say.

• 33:42Speaker 05

  Pat Sajak, you remind me of my dad.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Jim Thornton actually did say that he wished he had a vineyard where you could have nude boys squash all the gra, the grapes with their little feet.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's something he actually.

• 33:54Speaker 05

  It's interesting.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, he liked that.

• 33:56Speaker 05

  Vin Freestyle.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  Oh, that's it. Well, it's more of like, we wanted, we said we wrote the freestyle, I was like, so maybe you could make up something.

• 34:03Speaker 05

  All right.

• 34:04Speaker 03

  This, maybe, I mean, pretend I'm the guest. And you're introducing me and my background to the, the studio audience.

• 34:09Speaker 05

  Introducing, duh, big dumb animal, oh, look, it's another American loser.

• 34:16Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  You didn't say his name, you said his occupation.

• 34:19Speaker 05

  His name's Chip Jam, back to you, Pat.

• 34:23Speaker 03

  Bring Vanna closer. Bring Vanna, Vanna doesn't kiss.

• 34:27Speaker 05

  You know she's not allowed to leave her glass booth after the last incident, Pat.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Vanna doesn't kiss. Say he'd like to buy a bowel.

• 34:36Speaker 05

  He's, would you like to buy, he'd like to buy a bowel, Pat? Vanna, Pat?

• 34:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'd like to too, but they don't let me do it anymore because it's illegal outside of Perump.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  How about this, how about this, here's your first, uh, phrase of the day, contestants, and the clue is power slur.

• 34:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is great, I really think Holden's gonna start working somewhere else.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  I can't wait, man.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  Between this and his credit as writer on your dearest, darkest friend.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, premiering on Screambox October 30th.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  I know, I know.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, this is the biggest opportunities ever had.

• 35:09Speaker 05

  I don't know, guys, I think it's a different day.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  I think eventually you're gonna not work here anymore.

• 35:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:14Speaker 03

  And that's like, I mean, that's what we're all working towards.

• 35:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can't wait to work with the angels in heaven.

• 35:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like, it's like healing a, a possum.

• 35:24Speaker 00

  And reveal, releasing it to the world, so now, coming up is our real guest, Ted Ramey.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Oh my lord.

• 35:33Speaker 03

  Woo.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Wow, I can smell them.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Mmm.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  Smell sweet.

• 35:37Speaker 06

  That's actually, partially.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're very, you're not offensive smelling at all.

• 35:42Speaker 06

  That's good. I've been, I've been told that, and worse. But that's, thank you. I appreciate that.

• 35:47Speaker 00

  That's great. God, it's so good to have you here.

• 35:49Speaker 06

  It's great to be here. Thank you.

• 35:50Speaker 00

  We have one of the architects of modern thought.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 35:54Speaker 00

  That's how I put it. That's how I put you. You with us.

• 35:57Speaker 06

  Uh, thinking of what? Like, what, thought of what?

• 36:01Speaker 00

  Different ways things squirt.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  The way stuff squirts, the way stuff bleeds and, and, and the way people, women scream. You're so good at thinking of different ways for the women to scream.

• 36:14Speaker 03

  What is your favorite?

• 36:15Speaker 06

  I've played women, but I haven't, I don't know if I've ever made them scream, you know, in pain. I hope not.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  I hope not.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  Do you have a favorite orifice?

• 36:24Speaker 06

  Um, no, but I have a favorite candy bar.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  Hey, to me, that's what I love. We have here, we have one of the modern pillars of horror here, and it's so good to hear. He's also here promoing his brand new show. That is a part, features Holden McNeely.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  Well, as a writer.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  As a writer, but still, it's insane.

• 36:44Speaker 06

  Yes, it does.

• 36:45Speaker 00

  Right? It's amazing. This is Ted Ramey.

• 36:48Speaker 03

  Woo.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Of the Hollywood Rameys.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  Who's like, if you already know, obviously he's got many different credits, but the big, the most important credit is your dearest, darkest friend with Ted Ramey. And will be premiering on Screambox October 30th.

• 37:03Speaker 06

  That's right. Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  Yes, and I love Screambox.

• 37:06Speaker 06

  Me too. It's really cool. I mean, I, there's a lot of, like, everyone's curating horror now.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:12Speaker 06

  Like, every, every, you know, even like AMC is curating horror. I'm like, why do you, you don't need to do that. But, but everybody is because it's popular, but I think they're the ones that understand what the real fans want.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  Yes, I agree.

• 37:25Speaker 06

  I mean, I'm not, I'm not bashing any of the other ones. They do have some nice lineups, you know, for streaming, but for me, I mean, you can find the most random weird-ass Italian, you know, gory, porny horror film you'll ever see, but none of the other ones, I think, would kind of dare to carry it.

• 37:43Speaker 03

  I feel like every genre comes and goes, but horror is a mainstay that'll always be popular no matter what.

• 37:49Speaker 06

  Yes, true. It's true.

• 37:50Speaker 00

  How do you feel like with that, with the cyclical love of horror? Like, do you feel like, you're like, oh, where were you back then? Where were you when I needed you?

• 37:58Speaker 06

  No, actually, I, I kind of got lucky. I, I really did. Yeah, horror for sure is having a major resurgence. And the most odd thing is, is that it's, it's, um, um, what's the word I'm looking for?

• 38:10Speaker 00

  Respect.

• 38:10Speaker 06

  It is respectable. That's what I'm looking for. It's never been respectable. This is time number one. We're living through a singular occurrence.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  Well, Silence of the Lambs.

• 38:19Speaker 06

  Um, that's, I wouldn't say that was, that was, yeah, that was, is an Oscar, though.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:26Speaker 06

  That's like an Oscar respect.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:28Speaker 06

  It's not a people, people like, yeah, it's a horror film with a dude that, you know, looks weird and kills women. But I, um, when I got started in the eighties, it was not something you even wanted on your resume.

• 38:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, right?

• 38:41Speaker 06

  Like, it's crazy to think of now. Now, A-listers are dying to get into it. But nobody wanted to be in it. And in fact, in those days before the days of IMDb, when everything you did was indelibly marked online, you could lie on your resume, which I would do a lot.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 06

  I would lie all the time because I did so many bad movies that I'd be like, oh, cross that off and stuff. But horror, I never would cross off. And, um, because there were so few actors auditioning for it, I was one of the few, and I loved the genre even then, so I got to be directed in those days by Wes Craven and Toby Hooper.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 39:17Speaker 06

  And John Carpenter. But it, I don't think it's because I was so, you know, mind-blowingly great or something. It's just because there were so few actors willing to go into those auditions and, and read for those directors.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  So just be available, you're saying?

• 39:29Speaker 06

  There was just fewer competition, you know? I mean, there was, you know, fewer, fewer fish to eat the bait. That, that's all it was.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  I have so many questions I want to ask you, but first thing I want to ask is, tell us a little bit about your dearest, darkest friend. So we can get the promo in there, right? This is fucking great. So you are essentially, it is dark as cocktails?

• 39:49Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 39:49Speaker 00

  With puppets?

• 39:50Speaker 06

  Yeah, it is.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  And you're the host?

• 39:52Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  Got it. And so you interview, you grill these puppets?

• 39:55Speaker 06

  Uh, no, I don't interview the puppets.

• 39:57Speaker 00

  You yelling at these puppets?

• 39:58Speaker 06

  No, no, I don't yell at the puppets. That would be cruel. That puppet cruelty, and then the AS puppet CCA would be on, on me, I guess, at that point. No, we have guests. Like, we have true legendary horror guests come on the show and I would, you know, talk to them. Because most of these guys and girls who I would, who are so used to it, the questions that they always get for years is, were you really scared? Was that like, were you about to do that, man? Come on. Like, was there like ghosts for real? That's what they got. And so we're kind of, now that there's enough of an audience that realizes, like you guys, that there's a respectability behind the whole thing,

• 40:37Speaker 06

  then you can watch that and go, oh, okay, this, let's talk about this stuff for real. But the rest of the time is kind of zany madness.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. So you were hired Holden McNeely for the respectability?

• 40:47Speaker 06

  Yeah. He's great. Holden's awesome.

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Really? Wow. No one said that. His parents didn't even tell me that.

• 40:53Speaker 06

  No, but it's true. Holden, uh, was great. He was so fast. Uh, he, we would come up with gags really quickly, and which we needed because we were shooting like nine million miles a second.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  Do you want him?

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Do you want him?

• 41:06Speaker 06

  For free?

• 41:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, he can stay in your house.

• 41:09Speaker 06

  Does he do dishes?

• 41:09Speaker 00

  I know he's fertile.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:11Speaker 00

  Um, he's made a child.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 41:14Speaker 06

  Oh, sure.

• 41:14Speaker 00

  I think there's that.

• 41:15Speaker 06

  Sounds good.

• 41:18Speaker 00

  He'll take a bullet really easily.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, because he's wide.

• 41:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:22Speaker 06

  Wow, that's, okay. I didn't consider that, but all right.

• 41:25Speaker 03

  You can't let him know that he's doing it.

• 41:26Speaker 06

  Yes, yes.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  But he didn't ask for like anything. He didn't talk about his mother's breast milk early. He didn't ask for any of that, right? On set, was that a part of the writer?

• 41:34Speaker 03

  Breast milk writer?

• 41:35Speaker 06

  Once, but that, we forgot. We let that go.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Great.

• 41:39Speaker 06

  We let all that go.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  That's really, really great.

• 41:41Speaker 06

  But no, but Holden's, Holden's amazing, you know?

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, man, Holden's one of the best people in the world. Obviously, we've been working with Holden since 2003.

• 41:49Speaker 00

  Oh, I, whoa, we're together.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 41:51Speaker 00

  We are fucking together. Honestly, it's pretty fucking amazing. I've known him since even before that. The, the second I met him, we were working together. It's kind of amazing.

• 41:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, all your humor's so similar now, meeting you guys. You know, I can see, it's hilarious. So, yeah, so it's like one degree of separation from me to you and to you.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  I fucking love him.

• 42:07Speaker 06

  Remember that.

• 42:08Speaker 03

  Makes me so happy.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Can you honestly, what is your, like, the biggest, what is the thing you're most excited for people to see with the new series?

• 42:14Speaker 06

  Uh, that it's a throwback show that a lot of younger audiences will not understand that it's a throwback show, but they'll hopefully see it and then go back to the originals and watch them. Um, when I was coming up, there were a million hosts for everything.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:28Speaker 06

  When I was a kid, back in the mid-seventies, The Lawrence Welk Show was still popular. And in that show, Lawrence Welk would come on and go, hi, folks, kids, you grab your parents and sing along to these tunes. And they would. And, but every show had it, just about. That was a variety show. And then it became incredibly uncool, like in the eighties. And then from then on in, nobody, nobody had it. But I have great memories and I loved it and I loved the music. And so, um, uh, when, uh, Charlie, our producer, came up to me and along with Tony Washington said, look, we want to make a talk show. Do you have any ideas?

• 43:06Speaker 06

  I said, well, yeah, it includes music and spooky haunted house and puppets. And I thought they were going to be like, cool.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  Um, thanks.

• 43:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, thanks.

• 43:20Speaker 06

  We'll definitely call you back for something. But they went, yeah, go on. And I went, oh, okay. So then I knew I was with the right people, you know?

• 43:28Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 43:28Speaker 06

  Yeah. And so we did. We did just that. So it's, the show's kind of like, I don't know, I'd say 70% Alfred Hitchcock Presents, 30% Pee-wee's Playhouse.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  Fuck, yeah.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a lot of fun. We got, all of us have been parts in it, too.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  You stake us in there. Marcus is in it also.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  I'm really excited because I got to do the mysterious voice because we're, we're going to save some of this conversation, but I re-watched The Evil Dead. And a part of when I was re-watching it, I was reminded of the fact that it used to be so much more effective when the, when the professor's voice was less scary and more real. I think later on,

• 44:05Speaker 06

  That's a really good point.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  They would make the professor sound like,

• 44:11Speaker 00

  filled with all the Kandarian and all this evil.

• 44:14Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  But it's like, but it was way more like, we, the only way to defeat.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  The zombie is total dismemberment.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  Like, I miss it. That's my favorite.

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Just facts.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, more clinical. I think that was more, I think that is better. And I also, I also think when, you know, with regard to bad guys or, or, or people who deliver bad information in general, everybody thinks, in my opinion, that they're the good guy in this, in this whole world. And I think the most interesting characters like that professor thinks of too. You know, because to play a character, I'm evil is kind of boring.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 06

  Nobody thinks that.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  No, and he's also in that, in character, that guy is doing what he believes is for the good of academia.

• 44:50Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  And for the history of mankind.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  Curious to a fault.

• 44:54Speaker 00

  But these are just, honestly, but that, curious to a fault. That's all of us here.

• 45:01Speaker 03

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• 46:59Speaker 03

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• 47:42Speaker 03

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• 49:55Speaker 00

  Live from Northridge.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  So one of the things we really wanted to do here, Ted.

• 50:01Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 50:02Speaker 00

  Is because yes, obviously, you know, go see the show, Screambox, your dearest, darkest friend.

• 50:06Speaker 06

  October 30th.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  30th. Screambox is cheap as fuck. I'm also gonna put that out there. It's cheap as fuck. It's awesome. And I honestly think.

• 50:14Speaker 06

  You can barely tell.

• 50:14Speaker 00

  Just do all of it. No, but I'm not even, I'm just talking about Screambox. You, obviously, they rolled out the barrel of money for you guys, right?

• 50:21Speaker 03

  Well.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  I saw the rolls you rolled up and I know, I don't want the audience to know.

• 50:28Speaker 06

  My helicopter was not as big as I had requested, but yes, no. We, um, all TV shows that are talk shows, uh, begin quite modestly.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  As they need to be.

• 50:39Speaker 06

  As they need to be.

• 50:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:40Speaker 06

  I'm sure I don't, I'm talking to, uh, you don't need to hear that. I'm sure.

• 50:44Speaker 00

  I pay for as little as possible, Ted.

• 50:46Speaker 06

  Yes. Um, but we were, we were grateful that, uh, that, what they gave us and, you know, they, we got, we got a lot from them and also we, we were incredibly lucky because our producers, you know, Charlie and Tony, um, and Meredith and Lauren, they managed to squeeze every last, you know, they squeezed three pennies out of every penny that they were given. You know, but this can only be done if you come from a world of ultra-low budget filmmaking and have to do it.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:19Speaker 06

  Because if you're used to getting a ton of dough on big shows and then you get that, you, you won't know what to do.

• 51:25Speaker 00

  You're paralyzed.

• 51:26Speaker 06

  You'll get, yeah, you'll go, okay, here's the donut, uh, budget, so how do we get to make it?

• 51:30Speaker 03

  I wish everything had smaller budgets, personally.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:33Speaker 03

  It always turns, it makes everything more creative.

• 51:35Speaker 06

  It does. It does. If you were able to put a money hose, I've been, had a weird and long career, like 40-plus years. Worked on major movies and little tiny movies, but anytime a money hose can solve a problem where you just, you know, you put the hose in the cash, go, and then it solves the problem.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:52Speaker 06

  Typically, it's kind of boring and, and, you know, I don't think audiences care for such things generally. They're left feeling cold when that happens. But when you don't have a lot of money and you're just trying to, you know, pull three bucks out of your butt, then it becomes interesting because you have a problem to solve, you know?

• 52:10Speaker 00

  Dude, this may sound very ascacy, but you have to understand, your career is to me a wonderful model for people's lives in art and living the art life.

• 52:20Speaker 06

  What a nice thing to say. What, why, why do you think that? I, there's parts of my life where I was like, I should have just, you know, been an electrician. Because this.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  Because it's about the love, dude. I think that you, I think you started, the fact that you started as like a 12-year-old on the set of The Evil Dead and then you went from there to a collection of making your own works, being around, uh, being in people's work. Like, to me, that is the ultimate thing you're searching for in this life versus like, I mean, we all want nine Oscars, uh, I wanna, I want my phalanx of slaves and my, my, my gun turrets and I want my, my human growth hormone. Yeah, yeah, Ted. But besides that, I'm really happy with this art life and more people should be under, understood it's like a life.

• 53:10Speaker 06

  Well, yeah, it is a life. Well, look, you guys have very similar origin story. I mean, didn't you start like, I mean, you guys met and you.

• 53:18Speaker 03

  In college.

• 53:19Speaker 06

  I think you, you didn't have this podcast studio. I mean, I can't imagine you guys had anything other at best than like a dorm room or somebody's basement at best.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  I used to steal Henry's car when he was sleeping.

• 53:29Speaker 06

  I mean, am I wrong?

• 53:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:32Speaker 06

  You're avoiding the question.

• 53:34Speaker 00

  We used to live in total absolute shit.

• 53:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. And we used to work in shit and eat shit.

• 53:40Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  And now it's nice to be slightly above it.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's sodas upstairs.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's soda now. I got this canned coffee.

• 53:47Speaker 06

  I know, I have this fancy water.

• 53:49Speaker 00

  That's a tiny little water so you don't drink too much, so you don't stay too long.

• 53:52Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  You see, that's what these are for. These are for businesses to keep you out.

• 53:57Speaker 06

  People who work for a living get big ones. Not you.

• 54:00Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. There was a bar I used to work at in, uh, New York City that had a, a rub and tug joint next door.

• 54:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:07Speaker 03

  And, uh, every time, they used to give people the little water. So anytime a dude came into the, to the place with a little water, we knew that he just went to the rub, rub and tug.

• 54:19Speaker 06

  And yes Ted, you join the illustrious company of such men as that.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  So Holden, get to work. Start rubbing Holden. Start tugging. Would you prefer the rubbing or the tugging?

• 54:34Speaker 06

  I prefer, I prefer we left out of that question.

• 54:39Speaker 06

  I know what I'm so happy about is that you guys did many of the voices for the show. And now I'm saying this, I would normally add, and it was amazing. But I can't add that, not because it wasn't, but because I refuse to see anything that I do until it's out. My whole life I've been like that. I just can't do it.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  I watched a really cut and you, it's good instincts.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  It's a very good project. I saw a cut as well. It's really good. It's really fucking good. Go check it out on Screambox. They're not cheap. Screambox is not cheap. I don't want to hear that from anybody. They're not fucking cheap, okay?

• 55:20Speaker 06

  Well, yeah.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  They sent Ted Ramey.

• 55:21Speaker 06

  Ted, do you want to do this real quick? Cause it might be a good time to give your. Yeah, I'm gonna do that.

• 55:25Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, what is this?

• 55:26Speaker 06

  Explain the oddity segment and then you can pull it in. Yes, please, please.

• 55:30Speaker 00

  Here we go.

• 55:30Speaker 06

  Okay, well, so on the show, there is a segment that I wrote in called The Oddities Gift Moment, where a guest that I have asked upon the show gives me something very special of theirs to go on this bizarre little oddity shelf. And it goes with a lot of other people's stuff. And I, um, and I, I have something for you guys. A little gift for both of you.

• 55:58Speaker 03

  I love presents.

• 55:59Speaker 06

  This is for both of you.

• 56:01Speaker 03

  What is this?

• 56:02Speaker 06

  It's a toe, a severed toe.

• 56:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's beautiful. It's gonna be perfect. Oh, it's got a little rug behind it.

• 56:09Speaker 06

  Yep, sure is.

• 56:10Speaker 03

  That's, that's awesome. That's gonna tie the whole room together.

• 56:13Speaker 06

  What's that?

• 56:14Speaker 00

  Is this from set?

• 56:15Speaker 06

  Uh, it's sort of, yeah. Some guy that was helping us out with, with some lights at some point, but he doesn't need it.

• 56:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, fuck yeah. Thank you Ted, yeah.

• 56:26Speaker 06

  Welcome.

• 56:26Speaker 03

  I love a human toe.

• 56:27Speaker 00

  Well, you know, I like a human toe. We'll have to put this in a big jar of, um, uh, 101 or something that people drink it till they touch their lips.

• 56:34Speaker 03

  That's a really good idea. They do that in places.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  But then people steal the toes.

• 56:38Speaker 03

  I know, then they gotta cut off another toe.

• 56:41Speaker 03

  That's okay, I got a couple. And my dad lost a bunch of toes, so I, I'm ready.

• 56:46Speaker 00

  So this is from the actual segment that I, like, I talk about in the show, cause I play them, one of the mysterious voices on the radio. I don't want to bust it. Who I am, right?

• 56:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:57Speaker 00

  Doesn't matter. But I don't want to bust it. I'm the doctor.

• 57:01Speaker 03

  You're the doctor.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  The evil doctor.

• 57:02Speaker 03

  Yes, and I'm Mortimer. I'm very excited.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  No, very, very excited.

• 57:05Speaker 06

  Ask your kid Mortimer.

• 57:06Speaker 03

  Fuck it out.

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Alright, I wanted to hit you with some side stories.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, sure.

• 57:13Speaker 00

  While you were here.

• 57:14Speaker 03

  Sounds great.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  We wanted to treat you like a proper comedian.

• 57:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, so we, we, every show's side stories, I'm sure you've never watched us. We love to cover weird news, awful news, depressing shit fuck stuff.

• 57:25Speaker 00

  Great stuff, great stuff.

• 57:26Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  You know what's the best part about human, uh, pain and torment is that it gives us a lot of material here. And we're really thankful to society for how much pain and torment it gives, cause then we can keep joking on stuff.

• 57:40Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  Um, this first one, with all your work in Evil Dead, I feel like you'd have some really good insight to this.

• 57:46Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 57:46Speaker 03

  Uh, a woman in Seattle, um, was attacked, um, by another woman and, uh, she bit off a piece of her forehead.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  So this woman, if you could see here.

• 57:57Speaker 03

  Like this.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  If you look right here, she, her head is wrapped like a mummy. That is how much area the homeless woman got on her forehead.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  She wasn't homeless.

• 58:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Well, she wasn't at home at the time. But she attacked this woman, right? Uh, we don't know who attacked her. She was attacked by a woman at random. She doesn't know. This is my question to you Ted, is, what do you do with a human bite? What's the first thing you gotta do? Like, how do you, if you get bit on the forehead by a random person in Los Angeles, which is gonna happen.

• 58:30Speaker 06

  Yes, I guess I, at that point, I gave him a piece of my mind.

• 58:37Speaker 00

  Now, um, but what's your first call? Who's your first call?

• 58:42Speaker 03

  Police or ambulance?

• 58:45Speaker 06

  Neither. I would like, think about it for a minute, cause I'd want some revenge. I don't think I would call either one.

• 58:52Speaker 00

  Do you would like, have you ever been in a physical altercation?

• 58:55Speaker 06

  Uh, a couple of times in high school, and that was enough.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:59Speaker 06

  You know, that's like one, you know.

• 59:03Speaker 06

  Oh god, the blood's flowing down my mouth uncontrollably. You know, I'm never gonna do that again. You know, it's not like it is in the movies.

• 59:10Speaker 00

  But you've never had to do hand-to-hand combat with a homeless person before?

• 59:13Speaker 06

  Um, no, but, um, I would. I would if I was like, you know, if I had to, like, I would totally.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  Oh, if we put up like 25 Gs?

• 59:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, I would fight. I would fight. I would totally fight. I'd nunchuck and everything. I would do the whole, I would give him nunchucks to make it fair. But then I would totally do nunchuck fight.

• 59:31Speaker 03

  Now, if you were the biter, what part of the body would you bite? What do you think he's going for?

• 59:35Speaker 06

  Bite the fingers.

• 59:36Speaker 03

  Forehead seems silly.

• 59:36Speaker 06

  No, you bite the fingers off, then they can't punch you. They can stub you.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 59:40Speaker 06

  But they can't punch you.

• 59:42Speaker 03

  I was saying, nose over forehead. I don't know why she went for the forehead.

• 59:45Speaker 06

  I mean, in your rules, like, can you, one bite, one quick bite, can you remove one limb or appendage?

• 59:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:51Speaker 06

  Okay, then I go for the foot. They couldn't stand up. They'd be like hobbling and stumping, cause I would have bit off one of the feet.

• 59:57Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think one of the worst parts of this story is that it's race-based.

• 1:00:02Speaker 03

  Oh, is it?

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  Well, according to the woman, no, no, no, it's not, because I do think, I, I'm not gonna say this.

• 1:00:06Speaker 06

  It could have been her gap shirt.

• 1:00:07Speaker 00

  I honestly, I think it's anti-corporation.

• 1:00:09Speaker 06

  It might be anti-corporation.

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  Wait, cause this woman said that when she was, she was sitting on a, uh, she was eating a hamburger, she was eating a hamburger. The woman who was bit was eating a hamburger, which must have inspired the woman who bit her. Because she was eating and chomping on the hamburger, a woman comes up, says, you're an inferior race, you're an inferior race. I do believe they're the same race. But then they came out here and then she went, ha ha, which to me says, if I'm biting somebody, it's not a member of an inferior race. I want to bite someone of a superior race to me to get their real powered blood in order to make sure I can grant wishes for Adolf Hitler who's still alive.

• 1:00:48Speaker 06

  Okay, can I? Interrupt you just for a minute. Uh, it is, I'm not saying you are. It is entirely possible you're reading way, maybe a little too much into it.

• 1:00:58Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:00:59Speaker 06

  It could be that the woman who bit her thought she was the hamburger.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:05Speaker 06

  I mean, it could, I think, I mean, it's possible that could be radio infused Hitler.

• 1:01:10Speaker 03

  Smell the hamburger.

• 1:01:11Speaker 06

  Hitler blood, I'm not, what was, I'm not sure what your theory was, but.

• 1:01:14Speaker 03

  You're an inferior hamburger.

• 1:01:18Speaker 06

  You're not like the In-N-Out hamburger.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  I don't like your animal style.

• 1:01:25Speaker 03

  You know, I was bitten the face once, but it was by, uh, a white boy. Uh, Chris Blakely. He bit me in the face during a, a fight when we were in Little League.

• 1:01:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, but that's, you know.

• 1:01:34Speaker 03

  And my mom's like, he's got AIDS, he's got AIDS. She was screaming from the side. And then I'm just like, mom, leave me alone, I'm fighting.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  Mom, your mom.

• 1:01:40Speaker 03

  I'm in the middle of a fight.

• 1:01:41Speaker 06

  Your mom was so helpful.

• 1:01:44Speaker 06

  Did he stop?

• 1:01:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, he eventually stopped, but he's dead now.

• 1:01:47Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:01:48Speaker 03

  So that's good.

• 1:01:49Speaker 06

  I guess so, yeah. He's not gonna bite anyone else in the face.

• 1:01:51Speaker 03

  Nope.

• 1:01:52Speaker 06

  Uh, not gonna do much of anything, I suppose.

• 1:01:54Speaker 03

  He is Evil Dead.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Do you, like, do you notice, like, friends die in waves as you get older?

• 1:02:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, they do.

• 1:02:02Speaker 00

  That's fucking wild.

• 1:02:03Speaker 06

  They do. But whether, that's a random transition, but yes.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was just thinking of what he was saying.

• 1:02:08Speaker 03

  Well, he wasn't a friend.

• 1:02:09Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, he was an enemy.

• 1:02:10Speaker 03

  No, I didn't like him. So when he died, I was like, oh.

• 1:02:13Speaker 00

  Do you wish our enemies died in bigger phases?

• 1:02:15Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 1:02:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:17Speaker 06

  I mean, everyone has that, you know, everyone kind of has this great fantasy, like, I will have the ability to make someone drop dead like this and then, you know, but, you know, it's a great fantasy to have.

• 1:02:27Speaker 00

  I think about it every day.

• 1:02:29Speaker 06

  It's awesome.

• 1:02:29Speaker 03

  Well, this guy, he deals with a lot of dead people. Um, so there was a Tennessee funeral home director.

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  This is a good, good guy, that's good to hear.

• 1:02:37Speaker 03

  He's charged in over 50 counts of just theft and abuse of a corpse. That's right, this is coming out of Fentress County, Tennessee. Man has 15 counts of theft of property, 12 counts of fraudulent insurance, nine counts of financial exploitation, five counts of theft of property over a thousand dollars, four counts of abuse of a corpse, don't know what that is, four counts of property theft under a thousand dollars, two counts of criminal simulation?

• 1:03:06Speaker 00

  See, this is, there's a lot of weird crimes here. So there's a lot of things here, honestly, these are all trumped up charges that are a part of stealing bodies that you are not supposed to be working with. And then a lot of times, what they'll do, Ted, I don't know if you know, there is a massive problem in the United States of America with organ, like, gray market, black market, organ sales and body sales in the funeral industry, where they will literally gut you up, they sell out you for, they sell you for parts, and then they tell your family, oh, don't worry, we cremated you, but then what they'll do is they'll just mix up a bunch of other stuff from your cremated family member.

• 1:03:45Speaker 06

  It's crazy. But like, here's the question. That, I didn't know that, but, but doesn't an organ have to be very fresh? And at that point, by the time the funeral director has gone through his process, it's three, four, five days later.

• 1:03:57Speaker 03

  I think it's more of a collectible situation, kind of like the toe you just gave.

• 1:04:00Speaker 00

  Sometimes, but sometimes, but then also I think, yes, it, they need to be fresh, but also sometimes, I feel like, let's just say, if you're buying it off the black market, you might not be getting a good kidney.

• 1:04:09Speaker 06

  You're right, and, and it's, I do know that there's a huge, uh, market for bones.

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:16Speaker 06

  That's massive.

• 1:04:17Speaker 03

  We just had that guy who got caught in Philadelphia with his, he was grave robbing.

• 1:04:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's right. I did hear about that guy.

• 1:04:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, and he was robbing for a long time.

• 1:04:25Speaker 03

  His music was horrible.

• 1:04:27Speaker 00

  His music was his worst crime.

• 1:04:29Speaker 06

  But like this guy who abused corpses, like, first of all, I don't think we can, this is one-sided story. We don't know what that corpse did to him, first of all.

• 1:04:36Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:04:37Speaker 06

  We haven't heard anything from the corpse's lawyer.

• 1:04:39Speaker 00

  It was really nice to.

• 1:04:40Speaker 06

  He's not guilty.

• 1:04:42Speaker 03

  Someone needs to stick up for this guy.

• 1:04:43Speaker 06

  Yes. You know, they say what you do in life echoes after you die. Well, you know, that corpse might have gotten up. He might have been an asshole in life, stood up, robbed that guy, might have busted into his ass. You don't know what happened.

• 1:04:54Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 1:04:55Speaker 06

  You have no idea what happened.

• 1:04:56Speaker 00

  Absolutely. But I'd also go right for the priests.

• 1:04:58Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:04:59Speaker 00

  If I could have get a pack of them.

• 1:05:01Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:05:01Speaker 00

  You know, and I just, if I had a pack of priests corpses, I could probably use them for all sorts of stuff.

• 1:05:08Speaker 06

  That'd be strange looking.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, they like is, they like to be put on crosses. So they could become Jesus.

• 1:05:14Speaker 00

  That'd be awesome. It doesn't work. It always, it always kinda doesn't make it all the way there.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  Don't worry, Ted. We, this is on us.

• 1:05:20Speaker 00

  This is all for us. This has got nothing. Don't worry. They're not gonna put you, they're not gonna attach you to this. You're only on the show.

• 1:05:25Speaker 03

  What do you want done with your body? Oh, that's a great question.

• 1:05:30Speaker 00

  Have you planned your funeral already?

• 1:05:31Speaker 06

  Kind of. I mean, but I mean, I, like, how I wanna, like, how I wanna be buried and where I wanna be buried.

• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  My mom reminds me every week. She's like, "Don't worry, my funeral's already paid for." I'm like, "Thanks."

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  But is it?

• 1:05:43Speaker 06

  Well, that can't be the only concern that she has.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Let's just say she just wants to make sure she knows.

• 1:05:49Speaker 03

  She could tell you that now, and then when she dies, there's nothing you could, not like you yell at her.

• 1:05:52Speaker 00

  My mom is a widow now, and she's never loved, like, my mom loves being a widow way more than she's ever loved being a wife.

• 1:05:59Speaker 06

  Well, you know, maybe she, you know.

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  She's loving it.

• 1:06:02Speaker 06

  Well, it's good.

• 1:06:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 06

  She has a nice time with the girls, probably has nice drinks.

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  She does. No, she drinks now. She's having a great time. She's doing awesome.

• 1:06:10Speaker 03

  Did she tell you where she wants the funeral?

• 1:06:12Speaker 00

  I, I told her, I said, I was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, sure.

• 1:06:16Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:06:17Speaker 00

  No, but do you have a?

• 1:06:18Speaker 06

  Nobody wants to think about, I mean, maybe they do, but like, I don't think people admit that they really know just how they would like the end to be in their funeral.

• 1:06:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:29Speaker 06

  Like, but nobody wants to say it. Like, "Hi, I have this kind of, there's gonna be some sunlight, and my friends will be there. It's gonna be a big party." Like, no one really, they know it, but they won't talk about it. Like, yeah.

• 1:06:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I'm also one of those being like, "No, I want you to be fucking sad."

• 1:06:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:06:43Speaker 00

  "I want you to be sad as fuck."

• 1:06:45Speaker 03

  When you die?

• 1:06:47Speaker 00

  I don't, yeah. "I want you sad, dude."

• 1:06:49Speaker 03

  I mean, it depends on when you go.

• 1:06:50Speaker 00

  I don't want a celebration of life. I want everyone to be fucking sad as hell.

• 1:06:58Speaker 03

  If you go after 70, no one's gonna care.

• 1:07:00Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:07:01Speaker 03

  That's the thing.

• 1:07:01Speaker 00

  That's sad as fuck.

• 1:07:02Speaker 06

  I inherited a hundred thousand dollars from him, but I don't care.

• 1:07:07Speaker 00

  Thank God I got the money. Now I can go and live my own life. That's my sister. It's me doing my sister.

• 1:07:13Speaker 06

  Well, yeah, but, no, I just, I want a classic one. I want it raining. I want it dark. I want it, the whole thing. Everyone in black. It sounds cool.

• 1:07:21Speaker 00

  You know, no one's ever, no one's still going through your stuff yet and starting being like, "Can I have this when you die?"

• 1:07:26Speaker 06

  Um, it's gonna happen soon, though.

• 1:07:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:29Speaker 06

  I'm a young man. I mean, you know, I'm sure. I don't think it happens quite like that. You just get, you know, people might come by and they'll just like, look at something a little too long.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:37Speaker 06

  You go, "Oh, okay."

• 1:07:38Speaker 00

  I see what you're doing there.

• 1:07:41Speaker 03

  What, what is some cool shit you've collected over the years?

• 1:07:43Speaker 06

  Cool shit? From what, from like movies and stuff?

• 1:07:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, from all the movies you've done.

• 1:07:46Speaker 06

  Oh, I have, I have a movie, I don't know why I kept saving them, because everyone else threw them out. I saved all, well, I don't know if they do this as much anymore, but it was a thing in the past. Any movie you were on, any TV show you did, that you'd get a jacket. They'd make, they'd make a jacket. I don't think they do it anymore.

• 1:08:02Speaker 03

  I got a couple jackets.

• 1:08:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Swag jackets. All the swag stuff used to be great. It kinda, kinda fell off.

• 1:08:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, they don't do that anymore, you know. I mean, we had, my God, I mean, like, back when I did Seaquest, they gave, would give us, I'm not kidding, you think this is a joke I'm about to tell you. Because in the early 90s, everybody still smoked.

• 1:08:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:21Speaker 06

  They gave us a carton of American Spirits and an embossed Zip-o lighter.

• 1:08:26Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:08:27Speaker 06

  With the show's name on it. You know, it's an NBC on the back.

• 1:08:30Speaker 00

  That's fucking awesome.

• 1:08:31Speaker 06

  I mean, you know, this, those were a very, very, very different time.

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  Yeah. I can't believe they didn't give you like a fucking wetsuit or something.

• 1:08:38Speaker 06

  Um.

• 1:08:38Speaker 03

  That would have been, Seaquest sponsored like scuba gear would have been awesome.

• 1:08:42Speaker 06

  I don't think anybody on that show could even swim. I mean, we never went near the water once in that show. Like, we were like, "I ain't doing that. I ain't going in that ocean."

• 1:08:51Speaker 00

  Is that the best swag you got, you think?

• 1:08:53Speaker 06

  Um, no, I got a really good one from the American version of The Grudge.

• 1:08:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, which I like better than the Japanese version.

• 1:09:02Speaker 06

  I, I thought, I liked them both. I thought they were both very interesting, but, um, that guy, by the way, directed that movie three times.

• 1:09:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, he kept coming back.

• 1:09:11Speaker 06

  That might be a record for one, one director directing the same movie three times. So.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  How was he?

• 1:09:16Speaker 06

  Great. He was great.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, is he cool? Was he cool? Was he like?

• 1:09:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, so Shimitsu was his name.

• 1:09:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is one of my, like, because I love J. Horror, and I love all the stuff, like, do you feel like there was a different process in that movie than you have in other movies?

• 1:09:28Speaker 06

  Yeah. It was like, they, he, he just expected you to know your business, to know your lines, to know everything. He never gave you any direction, but it wasn't because he didn't care. It was like this, I think this is a kinda Japanese respect deal where they go, "You are, you will absolutely know everything you need to know, just as I will. You're not gonna have to tell me how to direct. I'm not gonna have to tell you how to act."

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:09:51Speaker 06

  Which was good and bad. It wasn't quite as collaborative as I would have liked, but it was a very respectful situation. And I, that I enjoyed. Also, of course, we shot it in Japan, and they don't have chairs. Like, chairs aren't really a thing on sets.

• 1:10:05Speaker 03

  In Japan? There's no chairs?

• 1:10:06Speaker 06

  Of course there are, but typically it's not used for discussions and meetings. So everyone sort of, uh, kinda sits cross-legged on the ground and talks.

• 1:10:15Speaker 03

  Ah, I would hate that.

• 1:10:17Speaker 06

  Yeah, I didn't like it at first either.

• 1:10:20Speaker 03

  I don't even, if I go to the beach without a chair, I lose my mind.

• 1:10:22Speaker 06

  I couldn't intimidate anybody. It was very difficult sitting down on the floor.

• 1:10:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, Chris Cross applesauce is a really hard.

• 1:10:28Speaker 06

  It's very difficult.

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  You will respect me. Stop looking at my balls. They need more fat people in Japan, and that wouldn't happen.

• 1:10:35Speaker 06

  But that guy directed, that guy directed this little, uh, little video version of this movie.

• 1:10:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:42Speaker 06

  Of, of The Grudge. And he just sold it, like, he went around to drugstores and, and like, you know, secondhand stores, went, "Hey, would you sell this?" And some Japanese company found it and went, "Hey, look, we'll give you real money to make it." So he made it.

• 1:10:55Speaker 00

  That's awesome.

• 1:10:56Speaker 06

  And then Sony Pictures saw that, and they said, "Remake it again." So he made it three times.

• 1:11:00Speaker 00

  That's awesome.

• 1:11:00Speaker 03

  That's really cool.

• 1:11:01Speaker 06

  Same movie three times.

• 1:11:02Speaker 00

  And what was the swag? I'm sorry, that's where I interrupted you.

• 1:11:04Speaker 06

  Oh, that one, oh, sorry. That was, uh, I got 12 bottles of this really good sake from Japan.

• 1:11:09Speaker 00

  That's fucking awesome.

• 1:11:10Speaker 06

  It was the, it was great. I was like, "Oh my God." It was awesome, too. I mean, the only sake I ever have is once in a while, if I can go to a, you know, Japanese restaurant or whatever. But I never know what I'm, they'll always go like, "This is really good stuff." I'm like, "Is it? I don't ever have it. I'm not sure." But I guess, but this stuff they gave us was amazing. I was very, very fortunate.

• 1:11:28Speaker 03

  Holden's obsessed with sake. Holden drinks a lot of sake.

• 1:11:32Speaker 00

  He's nodding, yes. He drink, he really drinks quite a bit.

• 1:11:35Speaker 03

  Are there any sake, um, cocktails on the show, on Dearest Dark?

• 1:11:39Speaker 06

  No, there aren't any, there aren't any sake cocktails. They're, they're too low alcohol for the horror crowd.

• 1:11:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:44Speaker 06

  It's not enough. That's technically a wine, of course.

• 1:11:47Speaker 03

  The horror crowd loves to drink. Whenever we do a show, I always get a lot of comments that people are like, "Oh, they drank a lot and they tip well."

• 1:11:53Speaker 06

  The horror crowd's great. They're my favorite. And I've, and I've known them for 40 years, you know, like even before this recent wave. And the horror crowd is, they're also not a confused crowd. I, I've done, I've done fantasy shows before. I did a show in the 90s called Xena Warrior Princess for many years.

• 1:12:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:12:10Speaker 06

  And, uh, nice fans, wonderful, great fans, but they never knew when to take the costume off sometimes, if you know what I mean.

• 1:12:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:17Speaker 06

  I, I would see them on the street, and they're, you know, they're dressed like Xena and stuff, and it's awesome. And like, well, okay, the show's over. But horror fans would come in, they still do. They've got their, they've got the prosthetics, their mouths are falling off, and you can see their eyeballs are down. It's great stuff. Two heads, they got a Herbert West thing. They're dressed like me in some weird movie. And then that night, it's all over. They're just normal guys in ties.

• 1:12:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:42Speaker 06

  So they're like, but they're, while it's on, they're into it. And you know that those guys are, are digging it, like, for what, for what it is. They're not confused. That's my personal take on it, anyway.

• 1:12:52Speaker 03

  We just did Midsummer Scream, and watching the people go around in all those different outfits was one of the best parts of the whole weekend. The little kids dressed as Art the Clown is my, any, anytime you dress a little child in some kinda demonic makeup, it makes me thrilled.

• 1:13:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, he loves it.

• 1:13:07Speaker 03

  The only time I want children is when I'm like, "Oh, look at that little demon."

• 1:13:10Speaker 00

  See, I'm looking at the women.

• 1:13:16Speaker 06

  I think, I think it's great that, that, you know, I know a lot of horror actors and producers who are mortified that dads and mothers take their kids, their, you know, eight, seven year old kids to these conventions, where there's absolutely eviscerated scenes everywhere you go.

• 1:13:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:35Speaker 06

  And they're like, I can't believe, look at that parent. Like, you know, you hear this backstage and stuff. I think it's great.

• 1:13:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:39Speaker 06

  I mean, I think it's great. And I'm, I don't say that to damage the child, but rather, if a parent believes that a child is ready for some really gory stuff, then that's good. I think we used to be like that.

• 1:13:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:51Speaker 03

  I watched whatever, my parents, whatever I wanted, as long as there were no boobs in it. That was good.

• 1:13:55Speaker 00

  I could watch every single piece of murder in the world as long as there were no breasts in it, as a child.

• 1:14:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's about right. That's about right.

• 1:14:03Speaker 00

  I don't know why, I don't know why they were so fine with, I guess, cause like, but isn't breasts as much as art?

• 1:14:09Speaker 03

  As a child, that's the only thing I've seen.

• 1:14:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's lunch.

• 1:14:12Speaker 03

  It's not like I've seen murder, I've seen breasts.

• 1:14:14Speaker 00

  That's all he saw.

• 1:14:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think, I think, well, I think there's kind of a old Puritan idea that violence is acceptable to watch, gore is acceptable, but no nudity.

• 1:14:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:31Speaker 06

  It's just very strange. They, I don't think that is particularly the case in Europe, but it certainly is here.

• 1:14:37Speaker 03

  Oh no, we watched all the films of Paul Verhoeven. They don't, they don't care. Let's just say the Dutch have loose ideas of what the children should be seeing. I haven't seen so much dick in movies since the last time I watched pornography.

• 1:14:51Speaker 00

  Dude, in the movie Spitters, have you ever seen Paul Verhoeven's Spitters?

• 1:14:56Speaker 06

  I never heard of it.

• 1:14:57Speaker 00

  It is a great movie. Great movie.

• 1:15:00Speaker 06

  Early Verhoeven or something?

• 1:15:01Speaker 03

  Well, it's early eighties. It's right before he came to America.

• 1:15:04Speaker 00

  Yes. It's about like bikies. Essentially, it's like biker kids and their foibles. It's like kids meets, like a bunch of, like, action movie. There's like an action section of the whole thing, but there's a section where it's a very casual section with, with a nude Dutch man and his girlfriend, and she's just playing with his balls. And I've never seen that in, outside of a pornography, like, just talking, having a conversation, and she's just playing with his balls.

• 1:15:31Speaker 06

  This isn't pornography?

• 1:15:33Speaker 00

  No, it's Paul Verhoeven's film.

• 1:15:35Speaker 03

  It's a film?

• 1:15:36Speaker 00

  And I was just like, people get mad at shit here? And you're just like, just watching and be like, yes, I know, there's so many, there's so many things to discuss. And she's playing with them like it's pizza dough.

• 1:15:48Speaker 06

  That's hilarious. And not surprising, I guess. They do have, although, there's something I love about European horror films in that it's, it's the, there's so many things I like about it, but when you watch actors in so many, even dramas, it doesn't feel like they're performing for their Oscar or notice or Instagram moment, because to them, for most of them, there isn't one.

• 1:16:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:19Speaker 06

  That's kind of the end of their deal. And I feel like all those horror performances in so many European horror pictures, all the way from those Italian masters of the sixties, seventies and eighties through, through today, are, are just so free of that. And it's really refreshing to watch.

• 1:16:35Speaker 00

  Well, that's part of why I'm a little, I'm slightly concerned, but I'm also into it. Like, cause I loved Obsession. I loved Obsession.

• 1:16:42Speaker 06

  Me too.

• 1:16:43Speaker 00

  Her performance, Indian Averett's performance, that, fucking incredible. Lightning in a bottle.

• 1:16:48Speaker 06

  She was great.

• 1:16:49Speaker 00

  But I think the only reason why they got it is because of lowered, lowered expectation of the horror film that allowed them to be more free in creating this thing.

• 1:16:57Speaker 06

  There is that.

• 1:16:58Speaker 00

  And now I'm just always, I'm a little afraid of Oscar virus getting into our horror movies.

• 1:17:03Speaker 06

  Well, it's already there. I think it's already there.

• 1:17:05Speaker 00

  I'm a little, just because I'm a little afraid of it all permeates, and then no one can make anything anymore, and it all becomes gigantic, like superhero temples.

• 1:17:15Speaker 03

  There will always be trash. There will always be a guy that has $10,000 and is trying to make a movie.

• 1:17:21Speaker 06

  There, there, there's a great attraction to wearing the tuxedo and walking down that carpet and all that stuff, but there'll always be somebody behind that guy or girl who goes, oh, I don't really care about that. I'm just gonna do this weird ass thing, you know? So it's inevitable.

• 1:17:35Speaker 00

  I play with the balls for 20 minutes. That is the only way to show the emotional connection between the characters, as I watch the webbing of his testicle meat slide through her thin Dutch fingers. That is how I see they are truly in love.

• 1:17:52Speaker 03

  But we'll get into more film talk with Ted, cause Ted's gonna be joining us on movie stories.

• 1:17:59Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 1:18:00Speaker 03

  It's hard not to talk about. And then we'll get really into the Dutch balls on that episode in a little bit, so.

• 1:18:05Speaker 00

  The fragrance, one of my favorite, the balls, were they in a wooden shoe all night?

• 1:18:11Speaker 06

  How come you know, like, I'm under my hand here? So here's the idea, when, when you read the line to me, Sylvia, you take your hand and put it in that place I had mentioned.

• 1:18:24Speaker 00

  Uh, yes. And like, when we rehearse, you know, your home.

• 1:18:29Speaker 06

  Hey, we may, Mr. Direct, we may do this take five, six, 12 times. I don't know.

• 1:18:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do not care.

• 1:18:37Speaker 06

  It just depends.

• 1:18:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm Paul Verhoeven, I do not care. Play with his balls, make his penis bleed. If you get hard, I will beat you. I will beat you if you get hard.

• 1:18:46Speaker 03

  Now get hot.

• 1:18:47Speaker 00

  Cause he wanted, cause also I think it was funny that he wanted, I think it was, was it Basic Instinct to have the first ever erect human penis?

• 1:18:57Speaker 03

  He wanted Michael Douglas to have an erect penis on camera in Basic Instinct, and Michael Douglas was like, I'm not doing it.

• 1:19:03Speaker 00

  Nah, nah.

• 1:19:04Speaker 03

  He's like, no, I eat pussy. I don't have sex with my penis.

• 1:19:09Speaker 06

  Is that a true story? Did he really?

• 1:19:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. He wanted, and he was also supposed to have a gay sex scene that he, that he would, he refused to do as well, in Basic Instinct.

• 1:19:18Speaker 06

  So, Michael, I have this idea for you. So you will take the man and you will have the intercourse. Now, the next scene you do with Sharon.

• 1:19:28Speaker 00

  Wait, what did you say? Wait a second, what do you mean, my balls, my penis can't touch a man's mustache? You can't touch a man's mustache, I'm Michael Douglas. I'm Michael Douglas.

• 1:19:41Speaker 06

  Well, I think we really did it here, Eddie.

• 1:19:44Speaker 03

  This is lovely. Thank you, Ted, for showing up and hanging out on Side Stories.

• 1:19:49Speaker 06

  On your mad, mad show. I'm so, I'm so glad I got to do that.

• 1:19:52Speaker 03

  Well, you're gonna be the first person who does this and then immediately does movie stories, which people can check on, check out on Sirius or on our Patreon.

• 1:19:59Speaker 00

  So go check out Your Dearest Darkest Friend with Ted Ramey on Screambox, October 30th. Check it the fuck out.

• 1:20:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, baby.

• 1:20:07Speaker 06

  Do that.

• 1:20:08Speaker 00

  All right. Great. Yeah, I'm sorry I got really into the Paul Verhoeven balls.

• 1:20:13Speaker 03

  Well, that was a fucking great way to end a sad episode.

• 1:20:23Speaker 00

  God, he's great.

• 1:20:24Speaker 03

  I love Ted.

• 1:20:25Speaker 00

  God, he's fucking so funny. That was so awesome.

• 1:20:26Speaker 03

  Man, is this one of those things, once you get him in here, you just get so excited.

• 1:20:31Speaker 00

  I just like to see guys like that who really hang and they're really fun and they really like the stuff that they make.

• 1:20:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. And then we're also, if you wanna know, if you wanted more Ted Ramey, we're actually gonna have him on Movie Stories. That's gonna come out in a couple of weeks, and you can get that on the Sirius app, or more importantly, on our Patreon. You can watch the video.

• 1:20:47Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:20:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. And so we'll have that, we're gonna talk about the Evil Dead series with him.

• 1:20:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, please do. Go check us out on Movie Stories, and then go and check out all of our socials at LP on the Left, go to all of our new YouTube channels, LPNTV, go, we are making a bunch of stuff. Bloodbath77 is wrapped up, we got new things coming out.

• 1:21:05Speaker 03

  Yeah. Go watch all Bloodbath77, go watch all of HGX2. There's a complete bingeable series that we've created that people need to fucking put in their skulls, man.

• 1:21:14Speaker 00

  Yes. Go check it out. LastPodcastOnTheLeft.com for live tickets. We are all over the place still. Eddie and I are out there doing Side Stories live. Come and fucking see us.

• 1:21:22Speaker 03

  That's right. You can check us out at the Warsaw in Brooklyn, Greenpoint, baby. We're gonna, we're gonna get to see some real Polish shit. They have pierogies and kielbasa at this venue.

• 1:21:33Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:21:34Speaker 03

  Yes. I can't wait. And there's old, there's old ladies cooking it and slinging it. It's gonna be amazing. Come and see us at the Warsaw, October 9th. And then we're gonna be in Hartford, Connecticut on October 11th. Tickets are available on LastPodcastOnTheLeft.com. I'm hitting the road as well. You can see me at the Comedy Works in Denver. This Sunday, first show, sold out. You fucking can't get in. It's too bad. I know you won't be there, but you can't do it. Late show, seven o'clock late show. How nice is that?

• 1:22:01Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 1:22:02Speaker 03

  The late show is at seven.

• 1:22:03Speaker 00

  God, that's amazing.

• 1:22:04Speaker 03

  And I got the wonderful Julie Rosing with me. We're gonna have such a wonderful time. It's my birthday on October 5th, and October 4th is the show. We're celebrating, baby. I heard people are gonna sing to me. That's what people are threatening. I'm willing to take it. That's the best heckle.

• 1:22:17Speaker 00

  It is.

• 1:22:18Speaker 03

  It is the best heckle.

• 1:22:19Speaker 06

  Also, just so you know, Principal Belding just died.

• 1:22:23Speaker 03

  Oh, he died yesterday.

• 1:22:24Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:22:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He, he, he was a good guy. I like, you know, who knows? I think he was kinda horny, actually. By the way, Kevin was friends with him.

• 1:22:31Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 1:22:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:33Speaker 06

  They fucking both, huh, God.

• 1:22:34Speaker 03

  I remember I was drinking with Kevin one time on a rooftop, and Mr. Belding walked in, started like holding court with everyone, and then he recognized Kevin. It was hilarious.

• 1:22:42Speaker 06

  Very funny.

• 1:22:43Speaker 03

  Um, Slammers Comedy Bash in Los Angeles. That's gonna be October 14th. We have Lea Bonnema. Amber Nelson, of course, is the star of the show. And we'll have, Keith Carey is gonna be on the show. It's gonna be a lot of fun. We're doing Side Stories in Redway again this year at the Mattel Comedy Center. There's gonna be a costume contest. Come looking sharp.

• 1:23:03Speaker 06

  Please.

• 1:23:04Speaker 03

  October 24th in Redway, California. And then the following day, Billy and I and Holden are actually gonna go down to Cobb's, San Francisco, to have some fun down there on October 25th.

• 1:23:13Speaker 00

  Oh, fun.

• 1:23:14Speaker 03

  That's gonna be a 4pm. How fucking cool is that?

• 1:23:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love these early shows.

• 1:23:18Speaker 06

  I love early shows.

• 1:23:19Speaker 03

  You know why I love early shows? Laughter in the afternoon. Enjoy your life. Hail Ted Ramey.

• 1:23:24Speaker 00

  Hail Ted Ramey. Hail Satan. Good work, Holden. You did a good job.

• 1:23:29Speaker 03

  We love you, buddy. And in honor of Holden, I'll hail the wonderful Winnie McNeely.

• 1:23:32Speaker 00

  Oh, nice. That's very sweet of you.

• 1:23:34Speaker 03

  Yes, I love her. All right, guys. We'll see you next week. Hi, it's me, you're gutters. Everything is totally fine. There's just a lot of debris up here, and I've been managing it mostly on my own. I just thought you could find someone on Angie to clean me up. I could really use it.

• 1:23:53Speaker 04

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