Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss William's Masc?! | And Jolly Joke Surprise About this episode Jordan has noticed something unusually ‘masculine’ about William that he’s been too scared to mention until now, while William has arranged a little Mother’s Day surprise for Jordan’s Jolly Joke. The boys also discuss their favourite names and Northern girls at weddings.
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Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production.
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Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 Hey, it's Adam Grant from TED's Rethinking Podcast. As businesses scale, success depends on how well knowledge is captured, shared, and kept up to date. Camtasia Pro turns teams' expertise into engaging training, onboarding, and documentation. No professional editing experience required. With the industry's best screen recording, video editing, and AI-powered workflows, you can train faster and boost operational efficiency. Get over $100 off your first year at camtasia pro.com and start building a smarter way to educate customers, onboard employees, and ensure valuable expertise is shared across teams.
0:33 Speaker 01 Hello, this is Susie Ruffel.
0:34 Speaker 02 And Maisie Adam.
0:35 Speaker 01 And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it?
0:38 Speaker 02 Only the best podcast ever.
0:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:41 Speaker 02 A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.
0:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping, too.
0:52 Speaker 02 Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip.
0:55 Speaker 01 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy.
1:00 Speaker 02 Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.
1:06 Speaker 03 Hello and welcome to Help I Sexed My Boss, the podcast... Oh, I'm on the wrong one. Oh, hang on. That was last Tuesday's one. Thanks, Jack. Sorry. I was on the wrong one. Shall we start?
1:17 Speaker 04 Yes.
1:18 Speaker 03 Here we go.
1:20 Speaker 03 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode, where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Rather than things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice went down with you. Our wonderful Jean Divas, you doing much this weekend?
1:34 Speaker 04 I'm going to see, ironically, one of the Queen Mother's favourite musicals, continuing a theme, Phantom of the Opera.
1:41 Speaker 03 I've ne...
1:44 Speaker 03 I've been saying for years to you I'd like to see that and Les Miserables.
1:47 Speaker 04 Well, come this weekend. What are you doing?
1:49 Speaker 03 I'm going for a walk.
1:51 Speaker 04 You're going for a walk? Well, do you know what? That sounds cancelable. A walk sounds cancelable. Come to Phantom.
1:59 Speaker 03 I've been looking forward to my walk all week. Thank you very much. Yeah, that's all I'm doing. Welcome to your late, oh, my late 30s.
2:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, very late.
2:07 Speaker 03 I'm still mid 30s. 36.
2:09 Speaker 04 Late.
2:10 Speaker 03 No, I'm mid.
2:11 Speaker 04 Okay.
2:11 Speaker 03 But anyway, I've always wanted to see that.
2:13 Speaker 04 Well, I'll go again.
2:14 Speaker 03 I want to see Les Miserables as well. Do you know what? I'm gonna start going to afternoon shows.
2:19 Speaker 04 Called a matinee?
2:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, there's loads I've not seen.
2:22 Speaker 04 Do you think on a weekend, you can go on an evening?
2:25 Speaker 03 How long's Phantom of the Opera for?
2:28 Speaker 04 Well, until they cancel it.
2:29 Speaker 03 No, I mean, the running time.
2:31 Speaker 04 Like, 7.30 start, 10 o'clock finish, like most shows.
2:34 Speaker 03 The film is quite long.
2:36 Speaker 04 Film is quite long. Film's okay, but going to see it in stage, when that overture, I won't spoil it for anyone, but when that overture hits, god tier.
2:45 Speaker 03 What's the overture?
2:47 Speaker 04 Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It's uncanny, it's just like that.
2:51 Speaker 03 Have you seen it before?
2:52 Speaker 04 Yeah, a few times.
2:53 Speaker 03 Who are you going with?
2:54 Speaker 04 Uh, Mikey, uh, Freddie and George. Yeah.
2:57 Speaker 03 We're a lads' night out.
3:00 Speaker 03 Lock up your daughters if you're in the West End. Bloody hell, the lads are on a night out.
3:06 Speaker 04 So bloody rude. What are you doing then, other than your walk? Li- literally, that can't be it.
3:10 Speaker 03 No, I'm, I'm gonna, because I missed it on, uh, last weekend. I'm gonna watch the Brits on Friday night. I've not seen it yet.
3:17 Speaker 04 Finger on the pulse.
3:18 Speaker 03 Well, I like to be part of these big cultural moments.
3:20 Speaker 04 Yeah, a week late.
3:21 Speaker 03 Have you listened to Rosalía, Rosalía, that album? I actually think you and Mikey quite like it. So she's basically, is she Spanish? She is. Have you listened to it?
3:32 Speaker 03 Fantastic. No, but it is, eh? It's amazing. But she basically sings 12 tracks in each languages and they're all Latin gods. Don't quote me on this.
3:45 Speaker 04 Right.
3:45 Speaker 03 Have you, it is, it is fantastic, isn't it, the album? Yeah, she does it in all different languages. And she was at the Brits and everyone's talking about that.
3:53 Speaker 04 Oh, really?
3:53 Speaker 03 Harry's performance when I see.
3:55 Speaker 04 Yeah, Olivia Dean won.
3:56 Speaker 03 Olivia Dean as well. He had a capital award. So I want to watch it. I couldn't get to go because it was at weekend. So doing that and then I'm doing something on Sunday as well. Oh, paddle.
4:08 Speaker 03 Or Perdel. So that's me.
4:09 Speaker 04 Wow. Okay. Well, what a, what a goy weekend.
4:13 Speaker 03 Hear me out. I would come see Phantom of the Opera.
4:15 Speaker 04 Yeah.
4:15 Speaker 03 But I have seen, yeah, five times this week. So I think we need a little break from each other.
4:19 Speaker 04 Okay.
4:20 Speaker 03 And we are on tour together in a few weeks.
4:21 Speaker 04 We are famously on tour. On tour. But equally, with a theatre show, you're not really talking. You are just at ice front, sitting in a darkened room. It's what you like.
4:35 Speaker 03 I'm gonna swing for you one of these days.
4:38 Speaker 04 Can we just actually on swing for you? Can we just clear something? Because I said, I said to you the other day, I'm gonna swing for you. And a few people were like, oh, you've got the meaning right. No, no, when the etymology of swing for you does not mean swing like a punch.
4:51 Speaker 03 Oh.
4:51 Speaker 04 No.
4:52 Speaker 03 Oh, I thought it did. I grew up with it.
4:53 Speaker 04 Swing for you used to mean, and obviously I was saying this as a joke, in that when we used to have hanging, swing for you meant I will murder you.
5:02 Speaker 03 Oh.
5:02 Speaker 04 And I don't mind murdering you when they catch you and I will be hanged.
5:07 Speaker 03 I'll do time.
5:08 Speaker 04 Yes, I'll be hanged. And so thus I will, well, not do time, you'll be, you'll swing because you get, you know.
5:13 Speaker 03 Let's pull a, put a poll up. I genuinely thought swing for you meant punch because my mum used to say it about me. Dad, all times I could swing for your father. One of these days I'll swing for.
5:22 Speaker 04 Yeah, and it means I'll murder him and thus get caught and, you know, hanged.
5:26 Speaker 03 I never knew that.
5:28 Speaker 04 I think I've got that right. I'm now second guessing myself. People are hanged, pictures are hung.
5:32 Speaker 03 Also, when this episode goes out, it will be Mother's Day.
5:35 Speaker 04 It will be Mother's Day.
5:36 Speaker 03 So happy Mother's Day.
5:37 Speaker 04 Happy Mother's Day. Stop right there. We've got a little surprise for you. We've got a special joke of the week by our favourite joke teller.
5:48 Speaker 05 Hello, William and Jordan. It's Wendy here. A little bird tells me celebrating Mother's Day on the podcast. That's strange because I haven't heard anything off Jordan yet. Hint, hint. Anyway, your lovely producers have asked me to think of a joke because Jordan sometimes forgets them. So here's one for you.
6:10 Speaker 05 What's long and hard and full of semen?
6:14 Speaker 05 A submarine. Boom, boom. Bye.
6:22 Speaker 03 You love her, don't you? I'm sorry, what?
6:25 Speaker 04 Wendy, no, that's literally the best joke we've ever had on the podcast.
6:28 Speaker 03 What the hell just happened? Her hair looks nice there.
6:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:31 Speaker 03 Her hair looks really nice. Wow, that's cute. Will you stop going to me, Mum, and asking for bloody videos? It immediately gets it in the neck. Bless her.
6:39 Speaker 04 She's getting quite good at them now.
6:41 Speaker 03 Do we have one?
6:41 Speaker 04 She'll be on Cameo next.
6:43 Speaker 03 Do we have one from your mum?
6:44 Speaker 04 No, I don't think we do. No. No, she's too pissed.
6:47 Speaker 03 Hello, darlings. Hello, darlings. It's Sarah Hanson here, darlings. Hello. Champagne, champagne all around. At the time of recording this, darlings, I'm very, very drunk. Brian, where's those list of jokes you've got for me? Not, not, not the one about the Irish. Apparently you can't tell jokes about the Irish these days, darlings.
7:10 Speaker 04 Not the words of my mother.
7:11 Speaker 03 It's, it's offensive, darling. What? Fucking hell. The bloody world we live in. You can't tell a joke about the bloody Irish? Yes, darlings. Anyway, I have no jokes for you, because apparently they're too offensive. But I just wanted to say, uh, Happy Mother's Day to me, the woman who gave birth to you. And, um, I wish you all the best. Brian, I'm ready for my shower now. Turn it on, please. Goodbye, darlings.
7:39 Speaker 04 Oh, thank you, mummy.
7:40 Speaker 03 That was from your mother.
7:42 Speaker 04 That was from my mother. It's uncanny. Also, a little, this is where we go all a bit, um, CBBC, but we've got some art that a listener has sent in. Uh, this is from Abby. I think these have been actually on my, um, office floor for a bit. I've been, as I said, I've been getting around to doing the letters. I had a bit of a backlog. Um, some beautiful handmade art.
8:01 Speaker 03 That's amazing.
8:02 Speaker 04 Abby says that each of her designs is unique to the person who it's made for.
8:05 Speaker 03 That's fantastic.
8:06 Speaker 04 She tries to create an image that would enable us to know who the subject is before adding the name to items, jobs, objects, or quotes, all going to making these one-off pieces. So for me, she's got campman there in the middle. It's uncanny from our last, from two years ago. We've got the help I text my boss and the TikTok logos, pop-ins, obviously. Fountain pen for all this handwritten letters I send, a corgi wearing a crown. Candelabra to celebrate my love of candlelight suppers and keeping appearances. Clinking is common. Oh no, it gets worse. Famous line from the Clonawilly episode, of course. And stood and standing, need she say more? And of course, don't want you to feel left out.
8:45 Speaker 03 No.
8:45 Speaker 04 There's a Jordan North one.
8:48 Speaker 03 Oh, wow.
8:48 Speaker 04 Capital and sexted logos, the gay ghost wearing a dressing gown, still with belt attached. For now, a watch showing a bliss hour, which is, yeah, about 12 o'clock. A microphone and headphones, Burnley Football Club, have I changed, quote, and picky tea.
9:07 Speaker 03 That's amazing.
9:08 Speaker 04 So there we go.
9:09 Speaker 03 Thank you so much.
9:10 Speaker 04 We're gonna stick those behind us in the studio.
9:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, we'll get them behind us. Yeah, they're really nice.
9:15 Speaker 04 Gorge.
9:16 Speaker 03 That's so lovely.
9:17 Speaker 04 Thank you very much, Abby. They're very clever.
9:18 Speaker 03 Thank you, Abby.
9:18 Speaker 04 Very talented G D Ds.
9:19 Speaker 03 We don't take you for granted that when you send the stuff in. If you hadn't sent the stuff in, that weren't a hint. Send the stuff in, by the way. It was just, thank you.
9:27 Speaker 04 No.
9:27 Speaker 03 That's lovely.
9:28 Speaker 04 So thank you very much. After last week's dilemma with an ultrasound probe that was inserted into the wrong hole. We wanted more awkward medical mishap stories and our gene divas have delivered.
9:40 Speaker 03 Of course they have. They always do.
9:41 Speaker 04 Paige said, I had a Bartholian cyst.
9:45 Speaker 03 Weren't you a Greek god?
9:48 Speaker 04 Which is a cyst on the side of the vagina.
9:49 Speaker 03 Oh.
9:50 Speaker 04 I took myself to the doctors and didn't realise it had either burst or sorted itself out. So I essentially had a doctor look at my opening for nothing other than a good time.
9:59 Speaker 03 I wish you could have seen Rodrigo's face there when he said that.
10:02 Speaker 04 I decided I had to show him a picture of it after to prove I hadn't made it up and come in for a fiddle, which may have just made the whole thing weirder.
10:10 Speaker 03 Okay.
10:10 Speaker 04 There we go. Jessica said, I went for what I thought was an internal ultrasound. Thought it was weird that it was a male doctor for such an intimate exam, but thought, oh, well, and took my pants and trousers off, only for him to advise me that it was an external exam. So I just needed to pull my waist down a bit on my trousers and could get dressed first if I wanted.
10:30 Speaker 03 Jessica.
10:31 Speaker 04 Yeah, I'd always wait for instructions.
10:33 Speaker 03 Hmm.
10:33 Speaker 04 Don't preempt the instructions.
10:35 Speaker 03 Remember that doctor told me to get me to keks down? Have a good night. No.
10:39 Speaker 04 And weren't even in the surgery.
10:40 Speaker 03 No, and I always thought, I remember then I met a doctor on the centre. I had to have a, and he went, just go behind that curtain and pull your keks down. And I thought, hmm. Doctor shouldn't really say the word keks, should he? I can say keks.
10:53 Speaker 04 Only come in for my ear. Um, Sophie had a mishap in their GP's office. My doctor was typing on her computer as we talked at the start of the appointment. After about 30 seconds, I was allowed banging on the door, followed by three members of staff bursting into the room, ready to restrain me. It turned out that the doctor had accidentally pressed a panic button and they could burst in to rescue her.
11:14 Speaker 03 Oh, do doctors have panic buttons?
11:15 Speaker 04 That's nice.
11:16 Speaker 03 That makes me feel better. Also awkward, embarrassing, but yeah.
11:20 Speaker 04 Yeah. Well, you picked up on my keys the other day, didn't you? We were recording something here and you said that my keys were the most straight thing about me.
11:28 Speaker 03 William's keys, right? I picked them up and went, who's these keys? He went, oh, they're mine, darling.
11:33 Speaker 04 Jordan, Izzy, would you like to get my bag and I'll get my keys?
11:35 Speaker 03 They're not your keys. And I went, oh, they are. And I was like, look at.
11:40 Speaker 04 Thank you. Look at the straight bag.
11:41 Speaker 03 Right, look at the straight bag. So first of all, it's in his handbag.
11:44 Speaker 04 It's, it's a leather tote.
11:46 Speaker 03 It's a handbag, right? Look at those keys. How straight and masculine and butch are that for, for William? How straight and masculine.
11:55 Speaker 04 It's got a lovely leather key fob that Mikey got for me that says, William.
11:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's like, they're proper, like, they're my mates that grew up with and have keys that are like little tag on. Like, it's just, I, I'd expect you to have some, I don't know, I weren't expecting them. And whatever this is.
12:11 Speaker 04 That's my panic button.
12:12 Speaker 03 Is it?
12:13 Speaker 04 Yeah. It won't work now, but if we're near my home and I press it, members of the Metropolitan Police come around and taser you.
12:20 Speaker 03 Um, well, yeah, you do have very butch keys and you have got a panic button on there.
12:23 Speaker 04 I do.
12:23 Speaker 03 GP. Hear me out.
12:25 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:25 Speaker 03 I'd love to, have we got any GPs that listen to Sex Eds?
12:28 Speaker 04 I'm sure we have some.
12:29 Speaker 03 Do get in touch, but also back me up here. They're like a good blowout, GPs.
12:36 Speaker 04 Right.
12:36 Speaker 03 As in, they're good to get pissed with.
12:39 Speaker 04 Okay.
12:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, I've met three now in my life.
12:43 Speaker 04 Three?
12:44 Speaker 03 And all three, I'm gonna say, I'm not.
12:46 Speaker 04 Gosh, they'll turn that into a film.
12:47 Speaker 03 I'm not, like, generalising all of them, and I'm not saying you're wreckheads, but they like to get pissed.
12:54 Speaker 04 Okay.
12:54 Speaker 03 But they put a wheel out, don't they?
12:56 Speaker 04 They do.
12:56 Speaker 03 Imagine that, 12 hours a day, how can it help? How can it help?
12:59 Speaker 04 Um, Leah had.
13:00 Speaker 03 Take me out after you, you're doing a wonderful service.
13:02 Speaker 04 Leah had a generally worried healthcare professional, not so much as a medical mishap, but a young male trainee nurse once carried out my smear test. He was so nervous and pretended the speculum was a duck and flapped it around doing quacking noises.
13:17 Speaker 04 Wow.
13:20 Speaker 03 That'd be me, I'd have to, I'd have to, if I was, I'd have to try and be funny.
13:23 Speaker 04 Hmm. Yeah, I don't know what I would do in that, faint probably.
13:27 Speaker 03 Or if that was me getting it done, I'd be like, oh, could have bought me a drink first. You know, I'd end up saying something stupid like that.
13:37 Speaker 03 Just, my new favourite thing is making the tea, Mickey.
13:43 Speaker 04 By turning up. Um, and, it's a joke.
13:46 Speaker 03 Call that a finger.
13:50 Speaker 03 That's what I mean. I'd have to say something funny, I won't be able to not.
13:55 Speaker 04 Um, finally, this is from anonymous, my granny was told by the hospital she had a UTI. Urinary tract infection. Sadly, she misheard them and proceeded to ring all the family members to inform them that she's okay, but she has an STI.
14:06 Speaker 03 God.
14:07 Speaker 04 Obviously, concerned family members asked if she was sure that's what the doctor said, to which she replied, it's fine. They said a lot of women my age get STIs.
14:15 Speaker 03 Which is true, by the way. Apparently, STIs are on the rise.
14:18 Speaker 04 And UTIs.
14:19 Speaker 03 I, I think I read somewhere like STIs are on the rise in like middle aged women or something.
14:23 Speaker 04 Oh, really?
14:24 Speaker 03 Or like women whose husbands dies and they get a new lease of life.
14:29 Speaker 04 I can probably say this now and hopefully.
14:30 Speaker 03 I don't know if that's true.
14:31 Speaker 04 My American publishers, um, will forgive me if they hear this and are offended. But when we were doing Just Good Manners for America, and obviously it was the text of the UK book with some changes and additions. One of the editorial notes was, I was talking about save the date invitations or save the date cards that you sent to people.
14:48 Speaker 03 That bit, yeah, it's very good.
14:49 Speaker 04 There we go, thank you. And I refer to them as, uh, save the dates, brackets, STDs. Obviously as a joke and then was, there's a whole section about when you're sending your, giving your friend an STD. It's hilarious. And, um, the, didn't, the Americans are like, we can't call it an STD because over here that means a sexually transmitted disease. I'm like, yeah, I know, that's, that's the joke.
15:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, but we don't get irony.
15:14 Speaker 04 So there are no STDs in the American edition of the book, they all got, they all got cut. I think the STDs are in, um, the French book.
15:20 Speaker 03 Are they?
15:20 Speaker 04 They love an STD in France, yeah. We also advised a listener on how to tell their mother their wedding guest outfit was terrible. So we asked for your awkward family member conversations. We had a few about wedding outfits, including this from an anonymous G and D. I got to my brother's, no apostrophe, wedding and saw what my mum was wearing. She generally looked like she'd raided the lost and found of a care home. I had to tell her she absolutely could not wear that for a wedding, let alone her own sons, and dragged her to the nearest shopping centre, luckily across the road. Within with 25 minutes until the wedding started to find and buy her something appropriate. She had a face like a bulldog chewing a thistle the entire time and throughout the wedding and disappeared during the photos.
16:01 Speaker 04 Claiming she was having chest pain when actually she'd been seen having a Costa coffee in her car. After the wedding, I had to explain to this grown woman why her behaviour was so unacceptable and we didn't speak for well over a year. Well, that's hilarious, isn't it?
16:13 Speaker 03 I mean, well, I kind of see where your mum's coming from there.
16:17 Speaker 04 She might have thought she looked gorgeous.
16:19 Speaker 03 What do you mean, lost and found at a care home? Like?
16:22 Speaker 04 As in lost property.
16:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, so it weren't like she'd be dressed.
16:26 Speaker 04 Lots of pleated numbers and beige.
16:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, which is fine. I kind of think your mum might have been, has got a couple of reasons to be pissed off there, anonymous. If she was dressed, oh, God help me for using this 90s tabloid term, scantily clad.
16:40 Speaker 03 And I get it. But then what's wrong with dressing scantily clad?
16:44 Speaker 04 Well, it's a wedding if it's a church, I would say.
16:45 Speaker 03 What is scantily clad a bit? A lot of flesh.
16:48 Speaker 04 A lot of flesh on display.
16:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, boobs out.
16:51 Speaker 04 Yeah.
16:53 Speaker 03 Hear me out.
16:54 Speaker 04 Oh, here we go.
16:55 Speaker 03 Hear me out.
16:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, but John, we haven't said anything.
16:58 Speaker 03 And I hope I don't offend anyone here, especially my own. But from that wedding I was at last week.
17:03 Speaker 04 With a scantily clad people.
17:04 Speaker 03 No, no, no, no, no. Northern girls love to get their boobs out. Back me up here, Izzy. There was a lot of, there was a lot of tit on, and it kind of made me proud. Back in London, don't see much boob. Up north, I was like, nearly got motorboated trying to get around in at one point. I'm here for it. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying it's a good thing.
17:26 Speaker 04 Really?
17:26 Speaker 03 Lot of, lot of boob and cleavage. Northern girls like to, don't they?
17:33 Speaker 04 Okay.
17:35 Speaker 03 Yeah, just saying.
17:39 Speaker 03 I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just that there was a lot of boobs, a lot of boobs out and pushed up.
17:44 Speaker 04 Okay. You didn't know where to put your face.
17:46 Speaker 03 I didn't.
17:47 Speaker 04 Lauren said, "My mum wore no knickers to my wedding. A guest told her you could see them under her dress, so she'd been them in the pub across the road from the church where they'd been for a pre-wedding drink. My brother-in-law then mentioned it in his groom's speech and my sister's wedding two years later."
18:01 Speaker 03 Brilliant.
18:02 Speaker 04 I'm sure she was delighted. Finally, Danny said, "My mother-in-law held up a pair of shoes and said, 'Do you like these?'" in a tone that suggested she was going to follow the question up with, "Do you want them? They don't fit me." Or similar. "I've been trying to be more honest in an effort to stop ending up with other people's crap, so I politely said, 'No, not really. Thanks, though.'" To which she responded, "I wasn't giving them to you. I bought them for work today and just wanted your opinion. Sometimes I wake up thinking about it."
18:25 Speaker 03 The mother-in-law, yeah. Your mum, you'd be fine.
18:28 Speaker 04 Yeah, maybe you go, "Ooh, gosh, are they new?" And then see what she says. You want to try and say something to elicit more information.
18:36 Speaker 03 Daddy, if that was your mum or whoever, you'd be fine. But the mother-in-law, I get that. We've got more of your emails, messages and letters after the break.
18:46 Speaker 00 Hey, it's Adam Grant from TED's Rethinking Podcast. As businesses scale, success depends on how well knowledge is captured, shared and kept up to date. Camtasia Pro turns teams' expertise into engaging training, onboarding and documentation. No professional editing experience required. With the industry's best screen recording, video editing and AI-powered workflows, you can train faster and boost operational efficiency. Get over $100 off your first year at camtasiapro.com and start building a smarter way to educate customers, onboard employees and ensure valuable expertise is shared across teams.
19:21 Speaker 01 The midpoint of life, a time to celebrate, take stock and ask, what's next? I'm Gabby Logan and on Life at the Midpoint, I'm joined by famous faces who share how they're navigating this stage of life, plus experts with advice on change, challenges and everything in between. And I'm tackling your dilemmas and questions as we figure it all out together. Listen every Tuesday and Thursday. Search for Life at the Midpoint.
19:48 Speaker 04 Welcome back, G and Devers. In exactly seven days' time, we'll be getting ready to go on stage in Cardiff.
19:53 Speaker 03 Who's got his jacket? I can't believe it, I can't.
19:56 Speaker 04 It's Chairman Emeritus Stewart's homecoming, basically.
19:59 Speaker 03 Have you seen Salt... What's that Salt Lake thing I'm watching on the telly? I am.
20:04 Speaker 04 Saltburn?
20:05 Speaker 03 No, what's it called with Kelly Riley, Under the Salt Marsh, I think it's called? It's bloody brilliant, it's in West Wales. It's a murder mystery, it is.
20:13 Speaker 04 Oh, is it? Lovely.
20:14 Speaker 03 We're going to Cardiff. Cardiff, we're going to Cardiff.
20:17 Speaker 04 Remember, we need your help. We want dilemmas, we need a reason, you deserve a shout-out to why you should be up on stage with us.
20:23 Speaker 03 Outrageous true stories, that kind of thing, or just a special moment you might want to celebrate onstage. So if you're coming to Cardiff, London, Glasgow, Manchester, sextedmyboss.com/contact. For any of these, just make sure you select the night you join us on tour and it goes to the right place.
20:38 Speaker 04 Okay, on to your responses. Our first response is from Gillian and Hayley, who have an offer for us. Dear William, Jordan and EPB, in your most recent episode, Jordan mentioned wanting William to attend a northern wedding. And as big G and Devers, we've decided to shoot our shot.
20:54 Speaker 03 See, we're just saying before, if there's boob on display, we'll be there.
20:59 Speaker 04 Right. Greater chance of getting there if something else is on display. We... Class. We are a couple from Southport, and although the wedding is near Manchester Airport, it will be filled with sand grounders.
21:11 Speaker 03 Is that what they call people from Southport?
21:13 Speaker 04 And Mancunians, and even some Scots.
21:15 Speaker 03 Oh, what a night.
21:16 Speaker 04 We are getting married on the 2nd of August, and if you want to crash it to give William the experience, we're happy to help.
21:21 Speaker 03 Honestly, that northern wedding I went to last... It just made me miss home so much. It was such a good day and night.
21:28 Speaker 04 Bye!
21:29 Speaker 03 It was such a good day and night.
21:31 Speaker 04 Obviously, our invitations weren't sent by email, but I have attached a few pages here. We can post a more William Hanson-approved trifold invitation if required. Looking forward to seeing you at your Manchester Live show in a few weeks. Gillian and Hayley.
21:43 Speaker 03 Gillian and Hayley will come along, but are you ready as...
21:45 Speaker 04 Are Gillian and Hayley, are they the two getting married?
21:47 Speaker 03 I think so. I assume they're both the brides. I might be wrong, it might be Hayley. But are you willing to be upstaged on your big day by William Hanson? Do you really want him to come? Because he will upstage you. He has that presence.
22:01 Speaker 04 Oh, really?
22:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:02 Speaker 04 I don't think he will.
22:03 Speaker 03 When you walk into a room?
22:04 Speaker 04 Oh, darling.
22:05 Speaker 03 You do. You turn heads.
22:07 Speaker 04 Bless you. I don't... I mean, it's a lesbian wedding, so I mean, I don't... A lesbian wedding near Manchester Airport, it's got my name written all over it.
22:16 Speaker 04 Sign me up.
22:17 Speaker 03 Get on your best pair of Doc Martens.
22:19 Speaker 04 Yes.
22:22 Speaker 03 They'll love that, Gillian and Hayley.
22:24 Speaker 04 Yeah, I mean hilarious when they're not and they're just, you know.
22:26 Speaker 03 I'd assume that the.
22:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:31 Speaker 04 David's got in touch with a correction, here we go, regarding last week.
22:34 Speaker 03 I think lesbian would be a really nice name for a girl.
22:37 Speaker 04 What, lesbian?
22:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. You know, like they say, chlamydia would be a real nice girl names.
22:42 Speaker 04 Right.
22:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:43 Speaker 04 Okay.
22:44 Speaker 03 Lesbian! Lesbian! Your T's ready, love. It's a really lovely name, isn't it? Lesbian.
22:51 Speaker 04 Okay.
22:52 Speaker 03 It's actually one of my favourite words.
22:55 Speaker 04 It is a funny sounding word.
22:57 Speaker 03 Lesbians, it's a great word, lesbian.
22:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, trips off the tongue. David's got in touch with a correction regarding last week's episode. Dear William, Jordan and all of the Sexed team, I'm writing to you with what might be your most niche correction to date, based on the episode of, uh, 3rd of March, Help, I Got Probed in the Wrong Hole.
23:14 Speaker 03 Oh, this is gonna like a correction.
23:16 Speaker 04 One of the joys of being around London is that we have things like livery companies, two of which are the Worshipful Company of Carpenters and the Worshipful Company of Joiners.
23:24 Speaker 03 What's livery, is it?
23:26 Speaker 04 Well, he might go on to explain. And celliers, to give them their fuller name. According to another member of the former company, I've not been able to ask a member of the latter, the difference between the two professions is that historically joiners attached wood using glue or other similar materials, including pins and dowels, while carpenters use nails or pegs.
23:44 Speaker 03 Sorry, am I tripping out? When did we talk about this?
23:46 Speaker 04 We referred to carpenters, joiners, we made some throwback comment.
23:50 Speaker 03 Oh, okay.
23:50 Speaker 04 Carpenter's Hall, near Liverpool Street, is not usually open to the public, except during the London Open House Festival in September of most years. I've been fortunate enough to volunteer there as a guide on multiple occasions, and if I'm there this coming year, would be happy to show everyone around the magnificent building. Yours excitedly, David S. Freeman of the Worshipful Company of Carpenters.
24:12 Speaker 04 Marvelous. Well, I think that's lovely. I could do livery companies now, but I am actually thinking that might make a nice etiquetteology. So why don't we hold fire? We'll add that to the list. And maybe after tour.
24:20 Speaker 03 Okay.
24:21 Speaker 04 Because I've got, I've got my tour one sorted. I'll, um, we'll, we'll do livery companies. Explain what they are. But thank you, David S. Michael has a jolly joke he'd like to get Jordan's expert opinion on.
24:32 Speaker 03 You've come to the right guy.
24:33 Speaker 04 We'll get Wendy back on the line. Hi to William, Jordan and the rest of the Sexton team. I listen to you guys while I drive around the country for work and you are a big part of my week. So thank you for all the smiles and laughs you provide, not just to myself, but everyone who listens. Here is my submission for Jordan's jolly joke. I hope it's clean enough to air, filthy enough to make you giggle, and fresh enough that Jordan hasn't already repeated it 30 times.
24:57 Speaker 03 Hit me up.
24:58 Speaker 04 Love you guys lots. Michael. So here goes the joke. Shall I read this? A bar, a man goes.
25:07 Speaker 03 Cut that up already, haven't you?
25:11 Speaker 03 So all about the delivery, William. God help us on stage.
25:15 Speaker 04 Excuse me, I'm actually fine on stage.
25:17 Speaker 03 Oh, and I'm not?
25:19 Speaker 04 No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you know, you have really come on.
25:23 Speaker 03 Oh.
25:23 Speaker 04 No, you do. You have. I think about this regularly because you, even just like you backstage, you used to be literally on the ceiling and you're fine now. You're, I mean, you're tense and nervous at points, but you are much more relaxed.
25:35 Speaker 03 Thank you. That's very kind.
25:36 Speaker 04 A man goes to the pub, sits at the bar and pulls three small ducklings out of his coat pocket and places them on the counter and orders a pint.
25:44 Speaker 03 Think of that, it's gone.
25:45 Speaker 04 The barman looks at the man as he hands the pint over and then at the ducks with a confused look. Sorry, mate, they shouldn't really be in here. "It's okay," the man replies, "they're magical ducks," and proceeds to ignore the barman.
25:58 Speaker 03 Do it more like if we're in a pub. Don't read it like a children's story. Come on. It's all in the delivery and I think it's going to be good this.
26:03 Speaker 04 The man sips his beer and then asks the barman to watch the ducks for a minute so he can use the lavatory. The man leaves and the first duck stares at the barman and angrily says, "What the fuck are you staring at?" "Nothing, sorry," the barman replies. Astonished, the barman feels unsure if he actually heard the duckling talk, so thinks for a minute about the magical talking duck and begins to ask it a question. "So, what's your name? What do you do for fun?" the barman asks the duck. "My name is Bernie and I like to jump in and out of puddles," the first duck replies with a little attitude. The barman is shocked by the response and now wondering if they can all talk, asks the second duck a question. So, what's your name and what do you like? My name is Ernie and I too like to jump in and out of puddles. Why?
26:46 Speaker 04 The barman, pretty sure he's either drunk or crazy, looks around for the owner of the ducks to see he has not yet returned from the lavatory and decides to go for broke and speak to the third slightly smaller duck. So, uh, what's your name then? He asks, and then really angrily, puddles! What the fuck is it to you? I don't get that. I don't get it.
27:06 Speaker 03 They shag puddles.
27:08 Speaker 04 Oh.
27:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's a good one.
27:10 Speaker 04 Poor puddles.
27:11 Speaker 03 I like a long one.
27:13 Speaker 04 Good.
27:13 Speaker 03 I'm doing a long joke.
27:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
27:15 Speaker 03 I know, to get you in.
27:16 Speaker 04 I don't know why they needed to be ducks. I guess because ducks jump in and out of puddles. But you could change that to fields and there could be cows.
27:27 Speaker 04 I don't know. Well, thank you.
27:28 Speaker 03 I like a long joke.
27:29 Speaker 04 Okay.
27:30 Speaker 03 I heard one recently.
27:31 Speaker 04 Oh, God, here we go.
27:32 Speaker 03 It's this old couple, right? They're going a bit, they're losing their marbles a bit, they're at the beach.
27:36 Speaker 04 Hmm.
27:37 Speaker 03 And she says, why don't you, uh, why don't you go and get us an ice cream? And the old man says.
27:43 Speaker 04 I've heard this before.
27:44 Speaker 03 Have you?
27:44 Speaker 04 Yes. From you.
27:46 Speaker 03 Hundreds and thousands?
27:47 Speaker 04 Yeah.
27:48 Speaker 03 All right, I won't do it.
27:48 Speaker 04 Okay. Do it on stage.
27:51 Speaker 03 All right.
27:52 Speaker 04 If we're running a bit short, we could do that.
27:55 Speaker 03 Fine.
27:55 Speaker 04 And Deborah's message in, asking for some advice about attending a show solo. Dear William Jordan and all the Sexed team, I've listened to and enjoyed your podcast for some years now. I love tuning in every week and as many of your listeners have said before me, I feel like I'm amongst friends. I can always be guaranteed some laughs, useful information and a sense of connection with others through their shared dilemmas and stories, which I appreciate even more these days as a recent empty nester. I'm lucky enough to have a wide range of friends and colleagues. I often find myself mentioning the podcast to those in my periphery in the hope of discovering someone I know who enjoys the show as much as I do and who might be interested in coming to one of your live shows with me.
28:31 Speaker 03 Hmm.
28:32 Speaker 04 Sadly, I report with much surprise that I'm yet to discover anyone I know who listens as I do. So, I've taken a leap and decided to come to your live show on my own. I live in Essex, but I couldn't make it to the London date, so I've gone one step further and booked a train to Glasgow.
28:46 Speaker 03 Oh, what? That's so far from Essex.
28:50 Speaker 04 Yes, especially when we're doing Manchester. Your nerves might be high on the night, but I guarantee mine will be higher. I shall focus on cheering you all on from the sidelines. Good luck, or is it break a leg with all of the shows? And many thanks for always brightening my week. Deborah, a Southern Geen Diva, who will be hiding amongst what I hope will be friendly galas.
29:09 Speaker 03 Oh, Deborah, you little love. Trust me, there'll be loads of people that you met friends to. You won't be the only person there on your own at the night or throughout the tour. Loads of Geen Divas come on their own and they always make friends. In fact, there's Geen Divas who met on the last tour.
29:21 Speaker 04 Yes.
29:22 Speaker 03 Who came on their own, who are now all coming together because they made friends. So, trust me, you'll be fine. And there was loads of, there's loads of lovely Geen Divas.
29:29 Speaker 04 Yes, and I do believe at the Manchester date, some of the Diva Espana crew are coming as well.
29:34 Speaker 03 Oh, from Benidorm?
29:35 Speaker 04 Yeah, from when we took them to Benidorm. I should just say, whether you're coming on your own, you're coming with a whole group of people, you know, if you want to, chat to the people next to you. Just make friends. Just say hello when you take your seats. Little hello, how are you? And if you do think they're on their own, chat to them, include them, be nice. Generally, our Geen Divas are really good at that. But, you know, even if you just chat for them for a minute, it's a nice thing to do.
29:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, totally. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected] . We also love hearing back from people we offer advice to. So if that's you, get back in touch and we'll speak to you on Tuesday. Goodbye.
30:15 Speaker 04 Goodbye.
30:57 Speaker 06 Hello, I'm Joanna Fletcher. And I'm Marco Burchella. And this is Boots Off. We are friends who have spent a decade together, walking up mountains, across deserts and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans. And something happens when you're out there, feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. The conversations just spill out of you. This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure. The adventures that lead to adversity. And how life can be one big adventure in itself. Listen every Thursday, just search for Boots Off.
Previous Help His Allergy Gives Me The Ick | And William Needs To Grow Up Next Help He Slaps His Mum’s Bum | And Jordan’s The Star ⭐️ Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated